Sex With Emily - How Sexually Compatible Are You?

Episode Date: January 10, 2023

Ever feel like your relationship is on cruise control? Do you continue to have the same conflicts, stale sex routine, or toxic dynamics and want to break the cycle and be with someone who’s actually a great fit? I’ll help you break out of all that. Today’s episode is designed to help you build better sex, dating and relationship habits. From incorporating kink and exploration into a relationship with someone who’s more reserved, to tips to work through jealousy in a relationship - we can all learn so much from this episode. I’ll also go over some exercises to build intimacy and share your top “green flags” when it comes to dating. All this and more on today’s show.Show Notes:Sexual Wellness Trends to Try in 2023VUSH Empress 2 (code SWE50 for 50% off)Tips for Better Communication & Other GuidesArticle: How to Have More Sensual SexArticle: Ask Emily: How Do I Tell a New Partner About My Fantasies?Article: What to Do When Your Partner Says ‘No’ to Trying New ThingsThis episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/sexwithemily and get 10% off your first month. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I do believe that sexual incompatibility could be a reason to end a relationship but never without trying. Never without trying to communicate in a different way. Tell them that how important is to you. It's not just throw away comments, but I really need your help making sure that I'm pleased to and how important it is to you and how you feel that it's not prioritizing your pleasure as well. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation

around sex. You ever feel like your relationship is on cruise control? Do you continue to have the same conflicts, stale sex routine, or toxic dynamics, and want to break the cycle and be with someone who's actually a great fit. Well, I'll help you break out of all that. Today's episode is designed to help you build better sex, dating, and relationship habits. From a corporate and kinked exploration into a relationship with someone who's more reserved, to tips to work through jealousy and a relationship, we can all learn so much from this episode.

I'll also go over some exercises to build intimacy and show your top green flags when it comes to dating. All this and more on today's show, Intentions with Emily. For each episode, I want to start up by setting an intention for the show and I encourage you to do the same. My intention is to help you learn practical behaviors for strengthening your sexual and romantic connections and habits. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, Sexual Wellness Trends to Try in 2023 is up at sexwithemily.com and linked in the show notes.

Check out my YouTube channel Social Media and TikTok. It's all at sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily, or call my hotline, 559-tock sex or 559-825-5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show, and you can totally change your name or choose to remain anonymous. Before we get into today's episode, I want to tell you listen to the show. And you can totally change your name, or choose to remain anonymous. Before we get into today's episode, I wanna tell you all about Vush. You've heard me talk about Vush before,

they make such incredible toys, and they have a whole new campaign. It's the I come first campaign, which essentially is a 30-day masturbation challenge, which, as you can imagine, I can get behind that, can you? So I know that there's a lot of concerns around masturbation and people think they don't have time for it or they feel guilty, but when you commit to masturbating, it shows that

you prioritize yourself and your pleasure for an entire month. So you know you're going to see some growth and improvement. So I think you have to check out their Empress II Clitoral Vibrator to help you on this challenge. It's a literal vacuum stimulator and it has these pulses of air that are similar to oral sex. You know it feels good.

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Enjoy this episode. [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ that could just get you out of the rut, change a state urine, and the first one is a staring contest. Set a timer for two minutes, and I want you to sit across from your partner, and stare into each other's eyes without breaking eye contact. Now, this might sound super scary to you, and the reason why I thought about bringing this up

is because I have a friend who's been in a relationship for a few years. I would say they haven't done a lot of deep work around emotions and there's stuff going on. She said to me, we went to therapy. And the therapist made us stare into each other's eyes for 10 minutes and it was horrible. She said, but then it was great. And this is so not my friend that I was going, oh, thank God she had you do that because it's all about it. and it was horrible. She said, but then it was great.

And this is so not my friend that I was going, oh, thank God she had to do that because it's all about intimacy. That's why it's so terrifying. It's about creating intimacy. And this is what we do. We, we, we, we, we read each other's facial cues, right? That's most of what we say is nonverbal anyway.

Most of what we communicate is nonverbal anyway. Most of what we communicate is nonverbal. And so to do a practice like this where you have to stare and teach who each of your stomachs eyes for two minutes, it's okay if you laugh, it's okay if you giggle or you look away, you know, we're not like, no one's gonna, it's just something that you're doing too deep in your connection. And then afterwards you just share feelings like what came up for you during the exercise. What did it make you think? It's a very awkward thing but if you think about it, it's your partner. It's someone you love or you're connected with. Shouldn't we be able to stare into their eyes for two

minutes? Even that. That's a way of a U.S. Roy saying it's hard to communicate. I understand, just look into your other eyes for two minutes. Two minutes. I won't even make you do it for 10. You'll see what comes up and that also reminds me. I had to do that when I was taking a somatic therapy training course. It was a five day a week course over a period of six months. So every other month, I went to San Francisco. And for five days, it was really deep,

somatic, which means embodied experiences. And our very first day of the six months was turning to the person next to you and staring in their eyes for, I think it was five minutes. That was also in a different place than two. I was like, oh my God, first off, don't have me break into a group. I hate when we were like breaking the small groups now, I'm like, oh my God, first off, don't have me break into a group. I hate them for like breaking the small groups now.

I'm like, oh, I hate that. And then not only that, I had to turn to the person next to me and stare in their eyes. And I remember he was like six foot five and I'm five two. And like my neck hurt, I'm staring at him and I'm like, can we sit down? It was just awkward. It was a guy and there weren't that many guys in the classes. I'm like, is this gonna be sexual? It was a whole thing.

But what happens is once you get past the weirdness and the eye contact and like the awkwardness, then you start to, you just breathe through it and you're both in it, right? It's not like you're staring at someone's eyes and they're not. It's that you're doing it together and just seeing what comes up.

That's it. Set your old phone, two minutes, and then talk about it. I'm telling you, stuff is going to come up for you. So that's my first thing. Do a staring contest. It'll take you five minutes. Five minutes with your partner, two minutes to stare, three minutes to talk about what happened.

The other thing is, oh, this is fun. The roller coaster. this is 20 minutes. Set the timer for 10 minutes and have one person describe one of their highest moments and one of their lowest moments. Then the other person just listens, listening is key and make sure not interrupt, add details or comment. This is a hard thing to do.

I have to do these in a lot of therapy classes I take in courses and you're like, oh, but what about, nope, you can't talk. You're like, remember that time? Or wasn't it fun? No, you let them, you give them the floor for 10 minutes. They're highest and they're lowest on it. Then you switch and you get to do it as well.

And it's actually a great thing you could do every week with your partner. And there's something very clearing about that because a lot of times we want to fix our partner. We want to help them. We want to make them better, but sometimes you just need to listen. So I'm suggesting you can do all these exercises at once. First, you do the staring exercise, which is the most grounding.

You stare into each other's eyes and you just feel. You really, it drops you in to a very intimate place with your partner without the sex. Then you do your 10 minutes, you're high in low moments, then you do a clearing. And this is where you set the timer for 15 minutes. So here's this, you know, we talk a lot about relationship check-ins.

This is a great one for the check-in. You sit across from each other, one partner finishes each of these statements as many time as they can. Something I want you to know is something I see in you that I see in myself is something I like about you is the other person again, you listen without responding, without commenting, and then you switch. So it's sort of a clearing, and it helps with listening.

It helps engage, it's sort of a great exercise, so you can get to a place of connection. I mean, those are some really real things to share. Like, I want you to know place of connection. I mean, those are some really real things to share. Like, I want you to know something about me. I want, you know, I, you know, something I like about you. And so when you're forcing ourselves to keep answering these statements, you would find that you're gonna start to reveal things that maybe you wouldn't reveal.

Maybe you wouldn't, cause you keep going around, you keep saying it, you keep going. That's the brilliance of this exercise. So sometimes there's old resentments that come up, right? If you keep going in around something I want you to know is, and you just keep saying it, but you each have 15 minutes to do it. And how this works is your part of what keeps saying, like something, you know, if they'd say something I want you to know is something I see and you I see myself, and you do it

for 10 minutes, imagine what could come up. Listen, resentments are the things that are killing your relationship. I promise you that you think you're just not having sex and that's the problem, but there have been resentments. There have been things that have built up over time. Now, some couples get, it's too late. You get to a point where it's too late and you're never going to get past the point of the resentments. But if you start clearing them now,

this is a clearing exercise. It will help you move along. Okay, now I want to take some of your questions. The first one is an email. It comes from Jewel. She writes, I've met an amazing, strong, loving, healthy, and caring man. However, my boyfriend of three years is quite introverted.

We see each other three days per week. We've been out of town together three times. He's met my family, but he's never been out of town to their homes. I have two children, which has brought him pause for spending more time together and moving in. I've been in school and working in a demanding healthcare career as well as single motherhood.

So my time's limited. I graduated and I'm ready to move the relationship forward to get involved in more outgoing activities. Can this relationship survive? Should we seek countly? What are your recommendations for me? Okay, you're really, really busy right now, Joel. You're a single mom.

You're working two jobs. You're raising the kids. And you want to know if it can last because you want to be more outgoing and you said he doesn't like to go out. I think right now you need to choose yourself and you need to choose your kids and let me tell you a gift right now. Sometimes it's okay to say I don't really have time for a relationship right now. If you feel like you need to take a pause because I don't want your next pressure to be I have to go out all the time and do all these things with a partner that you don't want to do. And that's just saying that he's very introverted

and you are extrovert, and that's already a problem. Like if you're saying, no, I want to go out and he doesn't, that doesn't go away. So when you date somebody on their potential, like, well, maybe once we get married or we spend more time together, then they're going to want to go out with me. Nope, I know a lot of people who are introverted and their partner's like, well, maybe once we get married or we spend more time together, then they're going to want to go out with me. Nope.

I know a lot of people who are introverted and their partner is extroverted. And either you know it going into it, I'm going to be doing a lot of things alone. I'm going to go out without my partner or you just decide that you want someone who shares who's your partner in life, who shares everything with you that you do that you can share activities with and that likes to go out and be social. So that's really something I think that you could do, dual. If you want to, you don't have to figure this out in your own. I would be very honest with your boyfriend and say, really busy, got a lot of my plate.

Twice a week, I would love to have you go out with you and try something. I would love to have a date night once a week. And then once a night up, wake up when I got my friends. Can you commit to once a week doing a fun activity that we plan together? And then if he's like, I can't guarantee it or I never want to do that, well, then you have your answer. But if you make a commitment about what it looks like

for you guys to be on the same page about, you know, what you want to do together, like, I think that that's what we got to get clear on is that you're not asking for anything crazy and you're asking me if it could, if it could survive, goes into, to like, think of how many relationships would be so much more successful. If we had these really realistic, practical, pragmatic conversations, like, you know, we didn't just think, well, maybe one day they'll see my way to say, no, this conversations. Like, you know, we didn't just think, well, maybe one day they'll see my way to say, no, this is what I need.

I'm still sorry about it, but it looks like I will be satisfied with once a week out in the town with you. What is that, how does it look for you? And then see what they say, and then you can plan those things, activities that you both like, and then you get on the same page.

It's just conversation. It's communication. It's being vulnerable because these conversations aren't easy. If asking for what you want and your needs, if asking for what you want and getting your needs met was easy, everyone would be doing it. We wouldn't have any problems. I'm pretty satisfied. got my needs met.

My relationship is fantastic. We communicate, we have the most excellent communication. We know exactly how to talk about what we want in and out of the bedroom. It is a skill set, we have to develop it over time. Oh, Tim 63 in Las Vegas. Thanks for calling. What's going on? Hi, I'm great. How are you?

I'm good. We have been together for 10 years. We've always had a great relationship. We both have very high management, upper positions, crazy working hours. So we didn't have as much love making her sex prior to COVID. For the first time in our entire 10 years we're together 24, 7, 365 and we loved it. It was great. I love it, Tim. Right. So we actually got to have a lot more sex. And we're both in great genetic work out, no health issues or anything like that.

She is kind of opposite of a lot of your listeners that we listen to in that. She, in orgasm, very quickly. And she can do it. An attrition. She really likes that. She can, she can already have them clitorally also, but she's very quick to orgasm. Great. And so we will have foreplay. We've always used toys. We've always done different things. And the one thing that I've noticed is, hey, I'm 63. I can't. Every day I can, I don't have any problems

with a erection or anything, but I'm not going to ejaculate every day. And unless there's a lot of foreplay. And so sometimes, well, most of the time, actually, I would like to do a lot of work. I would like to do a lot of work. I would like to do a lot of work. I would like to do a lot of work. I would like to do a lot of work. I would like to do a lot of work.

I would like to do a lot of work. kind of tried to figure out some things. We even talked about, you know, because sometimes we can go fairly long time. One, we had like this two or three hour session and she's like, I haven't had one of those for like years. But in that was huge fun. That we've even talked about adding somebody in to kind of help extend things out. What do we do? So I'm trying to figure out what can we do to kind of get that fourth play longer and sort of slow her down in terms of I need you now. Yeah, it's a great question.

So what you're saying is, did you have more time during COVID? And now you don't? OK, so now there's four play. Now back to that whole 12 to 14 hours, working for the hours, you know, it stays a week. And now we don't have that quality time that we're used to have even.

How about the weekends? I think that setting up and letting her know, painting a picture of what four-play looks like for you. So do you know what your most excellent four-play looks like when you feel the best? What happens? What goes down? Paint the scenario. And then you could explain that to her, but tell me too.

It starts mentally actually, because we'll talk about, we'll talk about different things in our life that we've, and she was in a really controlling relationship for a long, long time. And I got to tell you, your show really helped move her out of that body, she, me, and I feel guilty, you know, about sex type thing and really has move her out of that body, shaming, I feel guilty about sex type thing and really has helped her embrace more of her sexuality, which has been terrific. But so mentally it helps, you know,

if we spend some time, you know, we've even played a little strip poker and stuff like that, which has been huge fun where we can, you know, whoever loses wins, I think. And blow jobs are terrific, having or helping or orgasm with the toy and stuff like that's also a turn on too, but But you said also it was mental so talking about it too. So how are you? I mean really it's just a matter of scheduling it saying that we're gonna

You know going away for a night and saying we're going to Get out of this room and you know we're gonna get a hotel room even for a night in your own city. So I'm switching up our environment because you've been home so much. But you know, if you've been listening, I always say you have these conversations when you're, you know, outside the bedroom, having a drink at dinner and like,

start to paint our scenarios that you really like. You love when she texts you things in the morning, talking about that evening or air at night when you talk about, you know, start building up because the foreplays all about anticipation, whether it's mental or physical. So there's something that you need, like your ideal, because if you're talking about time, like really, like you get in bed and you guys are exhausted and there's no time.

I understand that. That's something that, you know, but the, but on the weekends, would that be enough for you? Maybe on Sundays, there was more for a player, Saturdays, because maybe if you painted the picture or you're like one day a week, we're gonna make this our date night,

we're gonna turn off our phones, we're gonna take a bath, or we're gonna get massages, or you're just gonna like, it's okay to plan it out. And you can always have surprises, like bringing new toys, or bringing a third, like you were saying, but I feel like you're gonna to have to do, you know, some of it because if there really

isn't time and she's not expecting it, you know, that's tough. The other thing is like I said, when you're sitting down letting her know, I think I come myself up, but letting her know when you're having a conversation outside the bedroom, you know, I, these are all the things I love about our sex life, but I realize that I get the most the most aroused, the biggest you know, ejaculate release when I have a little bit of foreplay. And so I know we're really busy. Ask her for her suggestions. So this is the thing that's core to my arousal.

How do you suggest me work it in? Because I'm sure she wants to please you. Most of our partners want to be really great lovers. We actually are pretty good about having those conversations outside the bedroom, thanks to listening to you actually. We've been pretty good about that, but just in the physical act, there just gets to the point of where she's like,

okay, I don't have any control. I just need you now type thing. I'm like, hey, I'm not ready yet. But... Well, what if you just like teens are like, I'm not going to get, I'm not going to get it to you now or you, you know, you just sort of made it a, like you touch her for a minute and then she goes down on you and then you go back to her and then she goes to you and you could, that's the best sex and that is for play.

The build up, the anticipation, the edging yourself until you get to orgasm is so hot. We don't do that enough. Yeah, and I just want actually thought of a mixed sense. I thought about that. I thought about, well, because actually, for most of our relationship, the focus has been on her orgasm and her foreplay and those types of things. And it's now like, maybe maybe we're not going to break that toy out or maybe I'm not going to go down on you until you have some time with me.

Yeah, absolutely. But if you say it like, you know, I would just say, you know, I realize it, the best sex we have or when I feel the most aroused and I really want to go down to you is when you go down on me first, it means a lot to me. Do you think she recognizes it? Like, have you ever talked to her about it? Yes. Okay.

But you know, if you would like to do that. Okay. She probably just forgets or gets busy. But I think if you bring it up again in a really heartfelt way, like not with a threat, and I know that you're kind of joking, but not just with a threat, like not with a ultimatum, like I'm not going to go down and you unless you go down to me. But I think if you generally come from a place of, I know. But if you come from a place of why it makes you feel turned on

and aroused and why it's important to you for her to tease you and do foreplay, I'm thinking that any wife is gonna be like, okay, I hear that's a need. And you might have to say it again, because sometimes we get busy and we forget. It's really hard to change a habit. It's really hard to start a new behavior that we've never done. Which by is never done it.

You've always been going down on her. Yeah, so just be kind, be patient, but still bring it up to her. You deserve it. You do deserve yours. Absolutely. I will do that. Okay, thank you. After the break, I'll be talking about relationship, green flags, and taking more of your questions.

So don't go anywhere. So some things I wanted to talk about is that we asked this question on Instagram, and our Instagram is sex with Emily, how about that? And the question was, we often talk about red flags, and I want to talk about green flags. And so I'm just curious, what were some green flags for your relationship, right? Red flags are like, oh my God, they're a smoker, or they're yellow a lot, you know?

But I love, we got so many great answers. When they have a therapist is a green flag, which I love, and I love, we got so many great answers when they have a therapist as a green flag, which I love. And I agree. Shivalry. Having the same values and being a good communicator, also a green flag. And one that really stuck out to me said, he knows I struggle with my relationship with food. One night, I texted that I was struggling to eat. He offered to come over to sit with me while I ate. No judgment, just support. And I think that's

so important that if somebody makes you feel judged like you're walking on eggshells, leave. Just leave that relationship. It might feel okay because you might think, well, it's familiar. And maybe I'm just gonna say this, perhaps you came from a household where you felt like you were always walking on eggshells, where you were being judged by a family member. And perhaps that could transfer into kind of you're tricking yourself that that's attractive to you

and a partner and I'm telling you, a judgmental partner, you know, is gonna judge you. Like even if they judge other people, they'll probably be judging you. I just have a hard time with judgment, judgements, don't like it. So that one's stuck out to me. What else?

Not being afraid to show effort and interest. A guy being apprehensive to do things because he respects you and your body. I like that one guy who's like, I don't want to just make assumptions here that you need me to fix this or do this thing for you. Some other green flags, I know you could say in a relationship, is consistency and communication. That's a big one. I think that, you know, if somebody, let's say it's three months in and you're like, well, they're really consistent during the week, but then I don't hear from on the weekend or they were great the first month and then they were and now they're back, that is going to be the blueprint for your relationship. If someone's

inconsistent in the beginning, they're going to be, they're inconsistent. If they are in the beginning, they're going to be inconsistent. If they are not making effort or making you feel judged, I mean, typically that's how it's going to be. People show you who they are, believe them. Independence, we could function on our own, we want each other, we don't need to, that's a big one. You don't want to be with someone because you feel like you need them, they have to save you. need. That's a big one. You don't want to be with someone because you feel like you need them. They have to save you. Um, openly discussing insecurities with a growth mindset. That's a great one. You know, I remember it took me a while dating somebody where I was like, he never shared anything that he felt insecure about or that was wrong. And I'm like, I just don't trust like everything's great. And then I realized he was always talking about or that was wrong. And I'm like, I just don't trust him. Everything's great.

And then I realized he was always talking about other people's problems. He loved talking about his friends' problems. And the drama, his friends were having in relationships but never talked about his own challenges and securities because we all have them. So now that would be a red flag for me. Someone else said, open about mental health,

encourage me to get therapy. Now, the opposite of that be, for me, a red flag for me. Someone else said, open about mental health, encourage me to get therapy. Now, the opposite of that be, like for me, a red flag would be, didn't talk about mental health and thought that therapy was nuts, right? Tipping well at a restaurant and treating the staff with respect, I agree. Green flag, red flag, no tip and being an asshole, right? So, you know, what were some of your green flags that gave you the go ahead and what were some of your red flags in a relationship? Let's get into some more questions. This email comes from Sarah. She's 23 and lives in North Dakota. Thanks for an amazing podcast. My question is this. I'm 23. My husband's 28. We've been together for a little over three years. From the beginning of the relationship, I express

to him how would I want the bedroom, what he wants, and I believe communications key I've had this talk so many times with him. I can't count. It always goes back to him finishing in two minutes I'm left there. He also does not like my kink such as saying daddy or sucking toes I have no pleasure and now little interest in sex with him I feel like communicating my needs, but I always go back to him just finishing and I'm disappointed. I've reached my limits in expressing my needs, is sexual incompatibility enough to end a relationship. Other parts of our relationship are good, but I feel lost. Side note, he also doesn't want me to get more tattoos or a literal piercing.

I feel as he's trying to put me in a box because he doesn't find what I like sexy. All right, so like a lot of these questions, it's not just about the sex. What I hear here is that there's a control thing going on. He's telling you what you can and cannot do. He's now, so I'm wondering if there's other areas of your relationship where you feel controlled. When he's saying to you, I know, you know, you can't get a literal piercing, you can't get another tattoo, you can't have me pleasure you. I mean, that's what it sounds like.

Because when I read the first half of your email, I was like, oh, okay, this is that classic. I've told my partner six times what I want in the bedroom, and they don't do anything, what should I do? Because the truth is, he might not know exactly what you want, specifically sometimes having these conversations outside the bedroom, you're like, tell him why it's so hot for you to call him daddy. If you understand that those things are primary parts of

your arousal, then he might be more willing to please you. However, you're also talking about the fact that he comes in two minutes or less, which means he's a premature ejaculator. Got news for you. Sarah, that doesn't change unless he works on his premature ejaculation. If you go to sacriotelme.com and you look up premature ejaculation, you'll get tons of blog posts that are going to give you some information, how to deal with it, but my best tips are he could practice a stop start method, which is when he's masturbating, he goes from one to 10, like 10 is a ejaculation,

one is not a rouse, and when he gets to like an 8.5, he doesn't orgasm and he goes down, he goes down in a rouse all, then he brings it back up again, then he goes back down and brings it up, meaning at that point he can ejaculate, try it a few times and it's a practice. He has to do it all the time, it's called edging or stop start. There's also doing his kegge muscles to strengthen

his pelvic floor. And the other thing is permessant, which is a quickly absorbing delay spray that helps men last longer in bed. But I feel like he's gonna have to work on it. It takes time for men to get over premature ejaculation. Now, the other thing is, if he comes quickly, he should be pleasing you in that moment.

He should be going down on you sucking your toes whatever it is you need So I do believe that sexual incompatibility Could be a reason to end a relationship but never without trying never without trying to communicate in a different way Like try to Tell him that how important is to you. It's not just throw away comments But I really need your help making sure that you know, I'm pleased him that how important it is to you. It's not just throw away comments, but I really need your help making sure that I'm pleased to and how important it is to you and how you feel that he's not prioritizing

your pleasure as well. So that's what I recommend Sarah. And then if you've tried all that, he still says, I don't care, I'm just gonna calm. Now I'm gonna go to bed after that. And I don't, you know, then we gotta talk. Let's talk to Brian 42 in Iowa. Hi Brian, what's going on?

Thanks for calling. Yeah, no problem. So I just kind of responded to these. Yeah. Now, I suspect I'm eating and you know, what my wife and I do is we kind of put her on each other. So because we both believe that, you know, it's really easy to have jealousy, jealousy feelings, you know, depending on the situation.

So we make sure that we take care of each other versus, hey, it's your problem to try to figure out this jealousy. We make sure we help them through it by doing different things. It's got a light convention. You know, we have open access to phones, computers, emails, it doesn't matter. And we actually open up to talk about if there is any type of jealousy. And you openly address it. That's been a great way, Brian. It sounds like that's really worth telling if you guys have been together. 15 years.

Great. Was there ever a time where you felt jealous early on in the relationship and then you kind of had to put these practices in place or you've always sort of intuitively know what to do. More of her than me, she deals with it a little more. And so I've always kind of accepted that as something that I need to do to make sure that in our relationship, whatever happens, my actions, everything that I do, I make her feel comfortable, so she can feel safe, but not after worry about a relationship. Hmm, that's great, Brian.

I love that, and you guys check in about it. That's good, thank you, Brian. I appreciate it. Super helpful. No problem. You're talking about all things. Thanks a lot. I appreciate it. Yeah. You know, I know that there's a lot of people I know who are in open relationships or alternative relationships.

And they sort of find a way to transcend the jealousy. They part of maybe they feel it in the beginning or, but they talk about it all the time. And then you realize after, after some time of being with someone in a, in a healthy place that you just sort of get to that point of compulsion we talk about where you are actually experiencing joy if your partner's experiencing pleasure with someone else. People I know who are in healthy open relationships sort of don't really have the jealousy in that way because they work around it and I think that people in monogamous relationships can do the same kind of things with jealousy.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review where ever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email.

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