Sex With Emily - How To Ask For What You Want

Episode Date: September 13, 2024

So your partner is great… but you want them to bring the heat, and don’t know how to ask for it. Now what? On today’s episode, I answer calls about how to ask for exactly what you want, or conversely, don’t want. I also give advice about how to achieve orgasm without relying too heavily on porn or toys, what to do if your partner’s penis is too big for anal, what to do if YOU like giving oral but your partner isn’t as down to receive, and how to enjoy casual dating. In this episode you’ll learn: How past negative experiences can impact your current reactions to physical affection, and discover strategies to rebuild a positive relationship with touch. Understand the importance of transparent dialogue with your partner about your needs and boundaries, and how to approach these conversations constructively. Explore the challenges of casual dating and the significance of self-awareness in identifying what type of relationship dynamic suits you best. Show Notes: Join the SmartSX Membership: Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. Yes! No! Maybe? List & Other Sex With Emily Guides: Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides.  SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website  Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok | Threads | YouTube Let’s text: Sign up here Want me to slide into your email inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com (link to specific show notes in WordPress)

There's so many different ways to experience pleasure in a relationship. I think that we focus so much on penetration and we forget all the other things that can help us build to orgasm. But if you take the focus off of the orgasm, that's part of the journey. That is sex. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So your partner's great, you love everything about them.

You know, you've so much fun together, you're best friends, but you don't know how to ask for what you want in bed. What do you do? Well, on today's episode, I answer calls about how to ask for exactly what you want or conversely don't want. That's important too. I also give advice about how to achieve orgasm without relying too heavily on porn or toys. What to do if your partner's penis is just a little too big for anal? What to do if you like giving oral but your partner isn't so down to receive,

and how to enjoy casual dating. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. It helps get the shot to more people and it just takes you a few seconds to do it. You can just do it right now. Look at your phone, look at your app that you're listening to this on and review us.

We so appreciate it. You can also find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, OREX, and Facebook. All the places. It's all at Sex with Emily. My new articles, How to Master 68 Sex Position and Kegel Trainers for Bigger, Better Orgasms are both up on sexwithemily.com. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. I asked my Sex with Emily audience their most embarrassing penis questions and one that kept coming up was, how can I increase my ejaculation? Helped by the ever growing popularity of the money shot in pornography, semen volume seems

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vegan, non-GMO, made from the very best ingredients and scientifically proven to work. Plus I got you a code so you can check it out. Save 20% with code EMILY at popstarlabs.com slash Emily. That's code EMILY at P-O-P-S-T-A-R-L-A-B-S dot com slash Emily. So check it out and let me know how it goes. Let's talk to Claire 28 in Los Angeles. Hey Claire. Okay, well this is a first, never have I ever. Okay, love it, welcome.

Here is the scoop. I can't orgasm when I'm having sex. I have been using a vibrator and porn for like 10 plus years. I'm now in my like first adult relationship. I've never been able to orgasm with someone else. I'm able to do it myself. And I'm now in a relationship with a very nice guy, good guy.

This month is one year and still nothing. He takes it personally. I think it's me. I've thought it was me being in my head this whole time. Now I think maybe it's the porn aspect. Yeah. I mean, how is your connection with him? Do you get turned on with him?

Do you guys make out? Is there like arousal and desire with him? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. The whole like eating out thing doesn't really do it for me, which, you know, I've done my research and like, typically that's what should do it for someone, I think.

For many people with vulvas that does do it, but some can't, some don't like it, but some people don't like it because they feel dirty or like they don't like their labia, they don't like their vagina. And so they are keeping themselves from actually having some amazing pleasure. And I don't know which camp you fall into. I just feel like like I'm just kind of like okay like great but like it's not anything like okay like this is

where it's at. It's not really I don't think I have enough experience to be like, okay, can you do this instead? Can you trust, like I don't know. Most people don't. Listen, it's actually, I always say, I always use age as a factor, but it's like, it doesn't even matter. People of all ages are still learning this stuff. So 28, 48. If you haven't had greater oral sex, you haven't been in a long-term relationship with someone where you actually are learning together. I mean think of this as like it's been a year and now you guys can learn together like do some things that are a little bit awkward like start to talk to them about what does feel good and what

turns you on. I would do some mutual masturbation together maybe where he's getting off and you're getting off and then you're using you said you use a toy. I use a toy but I also a toy, but I also use porn and I've been doing this homework assignment where I'm trying to get off without porn and it took me literally almost an hour. Okay, well you did it though. That's a great assignment

because that's what I would tell you is that it's like anything. It's like when we have to try and quit something or quit drinking or smoking or getting ourself into a new routine of exercise. It's a little bit hard at first, but it's not like you're addicted to porn. It's the only way, just the neuropath.

It literally, it's our brain. Our brain circuitry, your brain is used to this, this happening before this, before this happening, and then I have orgasm. So if you remove the porn, yeah, it's gonna take a beat, but for sticking in for an hour and then having an orgasm, you're great. You're doing so much more than most people who wouldn't even get past five minutes.

So that's awesome. Now, what if he becomes your porn? Like, have you guys ever tried any, like, have you ever seen him masturbate? I think mutual masturbation is so much fun because you know you're gonna have an orgasm, he's gonna have an orgasm, but also you get to look at each other and it's like a show and tell. You can see how he touches himself and what's hot for him. You could even have it one time it's just focused on you and then just focused on him. Maybe you just need some more breathing and slowing down and kind of having him explore what does feel good to you.

So it's like, that's the thing. It's not that vibrators and porn are wrong for you. It's just, it sounds like you want to learn other paths to pleasure. Has he done anything that has made you feel good with his hands or does sex feel good? Yeah. I mean, when he like manually... Great. ...girds me, I guess, so to speak. Do you have an orgasm that way? Not that it's all about orgasm. No.

Okay. No. But I've been close and I get close when we're having like sex sex. Okay and then what happens? It just never... Do you ever put the vibrator on your clitoris? Oh yeah. Okay. So we've already introduced using the vibrator. Okay that's great. That's good. Yeah. So maybe you are and like so what happens at that moment? You're just, you think, what are you thinking about during sex? I'm thinking I can't come. Okay so that's the thing that, okay so another practice for you is, right, of course, I mean listen when you're, when you are having those kind of thoughts during sex, the blood is rushing to your head away from your genitals. Like there's just no way you're going to be able

to be in your body, be embodied. Is there anything that you guys could share together that would turn you both on? Like do you ever do any dirty talk or could he tie you up or you tie him up or do blindfolds or massage or just something like that that would be a joint activity besides just the penetration where your brain isn't worried about orgasm? Yeah I mean I could probably come up with some things. Yeah, and I have tons of stuff on my website, but also another thing that I always recommend

when your mind is wandering during sex, then this might also help you when you're doing your porn homework or no porn homework. When you think about the five senses, I really do this where I stop in the moment and I focus on my five senses. I think what am I feeling? What am I smelling?

What am I tasting? What am I hearing? My hands are on his body. My, you know, he's tasting his lips. I'm hearing this music. And then the second you anchor yourself in your five senses, you become immediately present and your thoughts go away.

Mindfulness. Yeah. I mean, I meditate, so you would think I would be really good at that. No, it's practice. I was gonna say it's like a whole other ball game when you're having sex and you're trying to, Right.

So called meditate. But after a year, what kind of, have you guys had any conversations about your sex life? Have you talked about fantasies or what you guys are into? Have you? Yes, we have. Okay, anything fun? Yes, we have. Okay. Anything, anything fun?

Anything new and exciting? I mean, I feel like, like all guys, he would like to have a threesome at some point. He knows that I'm like open to anal also at some point, but I'm almost to the point right now where it's like, let's get me to have a vagina centric orgasm and then we can graduate to, you know, Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, but some women can have an anal orgasm too.

And it's just kind of all built on each other. You know, there's not just one way to orgasm and they're all sort of the same sort of nerve endings that get channeled. So it might be fun to play. and maybe if you're focusing on other kinds of play like anal play you'll get your mind off your orgasm and maybe it'll just happen. All right thank you. I'll keep chugging along. I'm here for you. Keep me posted. Thanks. Bye. There's so many different ways to experience pleasure in a relationship and I think that we focus so much on penetration, and we forget all the other things that can help us build

to orgasm. But if you take the focus off of the orgasm and say, I want to figure out what it feels like to be touched in a certain way, and I want to slow everything down and try new things, that's part of the journey. That is sex. So focusing on this one thing, the orgasm, it just really messes a lot of us up. So I'm gonna keep encouraging you every day of my life to focus on the pleasure and not just the orgasm. My next caller is Cassandra, 24 in Pennsylvania. Hi

Cassandra, how's it going? Hi Emily! Tell me what's going on. So my boyfriend, he's uncircumcised. And I feel like I've dated guys in the past and they've been uncircumcised. And it's been either hard for them to come or they want me to do different things than I would normally be doing. And for him, he really, I don't feel like he really enjoys getting head. So then he's really not big on giving me head either. And I really love giving head. I'm a people pleaser and I like pleasing my partner. And I try asking him, what do you like? What would you like me to do?

And he's like, just keep doing what you're doing. I don't really like that response. How long have you been with him? Eight months. No, see now you're guessing. You're like, I think he doesn't like it or now he won't go down on me because of that. But let's have a conversation with them and say,

I would love to know more about, you know, your penis. The foreskin, I mean, if a guy still has the foreskin intact so he's not circumcised, it means that it's really sensitive. Think of the tip of the penis and the foreskin, like at the clitoris, it's like really sensitive. Think of the tip of the penis and the foreskin like the clitoris. It's like really sensitive, but every guy likes something different. Like some guys want it touched in a certain way, some don't want it touched, but like you could kind of like pull it down over the penis,

or you can use it as like to go up and down the penis, like as a up and down the shaft. But really you got to ask him, say, show me how you like to be touched. And you also might want wanna do like the suction, like when you're with a circumcised penis, sometimes you do a lot more suction. Just think of it like it's a sensitive, it's the most sensitive part of the penis, and it's really not that different.

But really just ask him how he likes to be touched. So this would be a conversation that you have and you say to him, like, I would love to do more, like maybe we could do some mutual masturbation because then you can see how he masturbates and how he touches his foreskin and then you'll know and then he can see how you touch yourself it's really hot trust me we have tried mutual masturbation and he kind of made me feel awkward why cuz I was just in my zone vibe in and he's like you're just

you're just laying there and I'm like I'm relaxed like this is what this is how I masturbate so now I'm a little bit self-conscious to like masturbate. Oh he's like you're just laying there? Yeah but I was just laying there vibing you know like right you know in my zone. What do you think you were doing? What else were you doing? He thought that I wasn't into it because he probably hadn't seen someone masturbate before. That's what I was thinking and I do try asking him how he what he likes and show me how you want to be touched and he goes what you're doing is fine. I like how you're touching me and then I'll just try other tips that maybe I hear about or read about and sometimes he tells me that I hurt him but I mean

lube has been really helpful and he loves lube. Game changer. And what about him going down on you? That's important. I don't know. I don't I don't know if it's because usually guys are like, they're begging me for it. They want me to give them heads and I think they like will try to give me head as an incentive. But he, I'll have to beg him to give him head. I'm like, can I please give you head? I really want to give you head baby. So I don't know. I have to kind of ask him for it and I've never had to really have a guy ask guy to give to give me head usually they're like I want you you taste so good you know I'm keeping my hygiene good I don't I'll bet you do well I this is a conversation maybe he hasn't had a lot

of experience maybe he doesn't I think a lot of guys just don't do it maybe because they don't know how maybe they had a bad experience with it once I would ask them and just tell them it's a really important it's like you love it say like I love when you go down to me I fantasize about it it'd be so awesome if you do I always hear you in my head I always hear you in my head and I'm like timing tone and turf because I'm I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable or things like that but I mean he has he has done it more than the beginning of a relationship. So I think the little tips that I've been listening to you and it has worked.

But I'm so glad I want him to like love it. And I just feel like he doesn't. And I'm like, well, maybe it's because he doesn't love getting head. So maybe if I made that more enjoyable for him, he'd be open to maybe loving, giving it more. I don't know. What about like giving him like a, do you ever slow down and take,

cause like the foreskin is kind of cool. Like do you ever just take it in your hand and like just work on the tip and like work your thumb and like a circle around it and not just like do like a hand job, like maybe just use your hand to kind of get to see how he reacts. No, but I'll try that. Kind of like you're polishing around the tip and just kind of moving it around. With your thumb? Yeah,

I'm kind of picturing like a thumb around the head like it's just because there's a wider surface area and maybe he has some shame around being uncircumcised, which is crazy because most the world is uncircumcised but not in America. So I think like letting him know how sexy you think it is maybe more it's been eight months which is great but not forever so there still sounds like there's some more work to do maybe some more trust maybe he does have something but definitely find out if he's invested in your pleasure and getting you off with oral because that's important yeah I mean and when he does do it it is good

so I'm like good what he's doing but then just not enough time you know I'll be going down and I love keeping head so I don't know it's just kind of like sometimes I just feel bad because most guys like want it and at first I'm like when I was in a relationship with him I'm like oh wow he's like the one guy not forcing my head down and then I'm like does he never want head? See this is the kind of thing we always think that every guy wants blowjobs They must every guy which they don't like there's some guys who really don't like it who their pips It's too sensitive for them or yeah They prefer and some guys feel weird because they can orgasm that way like everyone's got hang up

So I think having kind of timing tone and turf outside the bedroom is saying I want to know about like What are your experiences blowjobs? Have you had great blow jobs? Like, what do you fantasize about? Like, have you guys had those kinds of conversations? Yeah, I do. And I try opening up, I think he does have a little bit of shame around sex because it is kind of tried hard

to get him to open up and fantasize. And it is usually me putting in the idea of new stuff and different stuff. And I'd be like, hey, this is my fantasy. Hey, I wanna try this tonight. Hey, look at this article from Sex is Emily that I just read, what do you think about it? I love it.

So I'm trying to open it up for him because I think there is a lot of shame around sex for him. And I'm trying to get him to know like, it's a safe space. Right, that's what's keeping a lot of us back from pleasure is the shame. So we'll work it out. The antidote to shame is pleasure. Thanks, Cassandra. Thanks, Emily. Okay, bye. Maybe this is relatable to you. Are you with someone who has a lot of shame? You know, it's really tough. Reassurance helps. But the most important thing is to get your

partner to talk these things through, talk about his shame. He can talk to a therapist, you know, if he can see a therapist. There are also options if you need to find a therapist. There's Open Path Psychotherapy Collective. There's Good Therapy or even Psychology Today has a directory. Next, we've got Krista, 30 in Boston. Hi. Hi. What's going on?

Yeah, thanks for calling him. Thanks. So here's my deal. I'm in a new relationship. I was in a relationship for like 17-ish years and it was good and everything was good, but I've got this new relationship. Everything's going great. All the things that everybody ever wanted is happening and it's great. You know, I'm getting everything. He's getting everything. But of course, you know, you just keep upping the ante. And so in my past relationship, as far as size wise, I was able to handle a little bit of anal. And I'm feeling like there's a strong possibility that I'm biting off more than I can chew in my current relationship. And so I guess my question is two-parter one is It really can be too big correct like I'm not crazy to feel that way right too big for anal. Yes I would recommend definitely

Practicing on your own using a butt plug making sure that you're open and you're using lots of lube and lots of foreplay But how big is it? I mean I'm not to make me sore on a regular basis. I may or may not. I would say somewhere between the 7, 8, 8 and a half length, but then he's got some width to him too. It's the girth. It's girthy.

Yeah, it's girthy. So it's a little bit of everything. I mean, I can handle a decent amount, you know vaginally, but you know, there are definitely days where I'm just like, okay, dude, like, I can't take any more. You got to stop. And like we're in that really hot and heavy phase. And so it's happening and it's good. It's so good. Wow. Okay. So it ain't all something that you've enjoyed in the past. Yes, with a very different partner. Right, very different size partner. Listen, our anus can stretch, but I don't want you to hurt yourself either.

So, you know, it's all about breathing, foreplay, going slow. Now there's something called the O-nut. Have you ever heard of the O-nut? It's like a stopper. It's like a, it falls under the category of sex accessories, sex toys. But it's almost like I said, it looks like a donut

and it goes around the penis and it sort of stops it from going in too far. So it's like a donut, it's like a peanut stopper. Yeah, it's like a stopper that would go at the base of his penis, kind of like a cock ring. Now that's not gonna help the girth part, but that could help if it ever hurts too much, like vaginally.

And Annali, honestly, I just don't want you to hurt yourself. I want you to just do all the things. There is a chance that it's too big. There is a chance that you won't be able to get it in, but I've seen people do amazing, people have done amazing things, but I just, I think if you don't do it all at once, you literally all at once, but then also over weeks, period,

you train and you go slow, use some fingers. I think I just don't even want, like, I think honestly, at a point where like I just needed someone to say it really is too possible to be too big and just leave it alone. Like it's okay, everything else is great, it's okay. I'm telling you that if you think it's too big it's giving you some fear. Buy a beginner anal kit or something. Be Vibe has this great beginner anal kit that builds up and maybe he'd have fun putting those in and out of you and playing with you that way. Yeah. But yeah, it might be too big. It could, I haven't seen it, but I'll take your word for it. And there's many other ways to play. I think because I've had success before, it makes me feel like I have a general sense that, I mean, if everything else is good, like, yeah, many, many relationships thrive and they do not have anal sex. Right?

Right. Right. It could be. Yes. Totally be a success. Yeah. Don't worry about it. So have fun. Yeah. Yeah. Did you say you were in a relationship for 17 years? I was, I married my ex husband. We got, we got together when we were 19 and we got married and we were together 10 years. He's the only person I've been with. And so then, and it was good, but then this new relationship is like a whole another level, like great communication. Right. I got really lucky that my first sexual experience, like I had a

G-spot orgasm from the beginning. And so it was one of those things where it's like, yes, yes. Who gets that lucky? And so nobody I have I have that Plus I have all the squirting and plus I have all the outside stuff. I have it all. Oh my god You really do it It's like multiple times and it's with sex and without sex without sex and with foreplay and with that. So like really, I just need to like stop. Why take it up a notch?

You know what I mean? So. Yeah, it sounds like it's been a good time. So he's not pressuring you, right? No, no. It's really more me because I had a successful, because it's something I did in the past. So in my last relationship was good, don't get me wrong,

but that was the ultimate, you know what I'm saying? And so because it was something I was able to do with him, I have this idea that it's something I should do in my new relationship. But like, the more I think about it, the more I'm just like, I just don't like why, like, because it's gonna take so much work and like- I really don't know that.

What you should do, should, I hate to, I don't wanna should all over you, but what you could should do is you could talk to him about just what is he into? What are some sexual fantasies he has? Go to our website, download the yes, no, maybe list, just start to talk about, maybe he's like, oh, anal's not my jam.

I've seen guys who are like, not into anal, not my jam. Don't like it. Like it just, it's not like it's, you have to, oh, good girls do anal or whatever. All desirable women do anal. Not like that at all. He really left it in my like it's you have to check out good girls do it or whatever all desirable women do it all. Not that I left it in my ballpark. Hence the reason I'm calling you. He was like, What do you want to do? Is it

something you want to do? He's like, My fear is I would never want to hurt you or to be a uncomfortable situation for you. Hence the reason he's never done it with anybody. But it was like one of those things for me like, Oh, well, I've done it before. Maybe it was so it was all completely up to me it was all you it was like a challenge to maybe like I'm gonna be that girl yeah I know I hear I see you I see you the work it'll take is just gonna be more than I need if everything else is going well you don't need to rock that boat right now so take it off you know put something

else on the table have some fun Explorer but it doesn't have to be anal right now. Yeah, yeah. How's that? All right. Thanks, Crystal. I appreciate you. Bye. Are we all perfectionists in some ways? We're like, I wanna be the perfect lover

and I wanna give him anal and give him all these things. But the truth is like, there are no shoulds in relationships. You get to figure out what works for you. I cannot recommend this beginner anal kit enough by the way by B-Vibe because I've never seen anything like it. Literally it's like has an anal loop shooter in it and has all these little butt plugs that build up in size. And it's just if you want it, if that got your anal interest peaked, check one of those out. But the only thing that you should pressure yourself into doing sexually is to talk about sex. That's the only thing I'm gonna pressure you into. And maybe a little masturbation.

Everything else. It's up to you. Rob 37 in Texas. Hi Rob, what's going on? Hey, Dr. Imway. Thanks so much for taking my call. I can imagine you reading it up front going, wow, do I want to talk to you? No, I do, Rob. It's a really good question. I actually love this. I want to talk to you about this. I'm like, yes, bring it. Excellent. Well, so Emily, last year you gave me the word compersion. I called in and asked about thoughts that I had and things that I had experienced with my wife and we both enjoyed. And you gave me the word compersion, which I've read up on it since then and studied

it and have fallen in love with the word because thation, which I've read up on it since then and studied it and have fallen in love with the word because that's exactly what it was. And the reason why I like the word compersion is because I don't like the word cuckolding. And everything I've read about cuckolding has a kind of degrading type of sense to it. And that's not anything close to what I feel

on the degrading side. I enjoy seeing the pleasure that somebody else gets from an external point of view rather than being physically wrapped up in the moment like when she and I are intimate together and is amazing. I get a different sense of a mental pleasure out of seeing it in another situation. But in talking with her about that and discussing those types of things outside the bedroom, thanks to your advice,

she kind of gets it sometimes that I want her to be with other people and that's not it. It's not that I want her to be with other people. It's that I enjoyed seeing pleasure from an external point of view, if that makes sense. And I'm just having trouble having that discussion without her thinking that I truly just want her to go be with other men, which is not the truth.

And just wanted to show that she can see what you thought. Yeah, no, this is great, Rob. Let me just kind of catch everyone up here. What I talk about is compersion. And that is a word that people who are in open relationships or they swing or they cuckold, it means that you actually, and this is a stage that people go through and you can get there from some people, that they actually get joy and pleasure from seeing their partner have sex with someone else, be intimate with someone else,

that truly gives you joy that your partner is being pleasured by somebody else. And that is something that I've seen, you know, I think I was talking about it in reference to open relationships and people are like, oh God, I would be so jealous if my partner was with someone else. I said, well, ultimately, for many people I know who do it in the right way, they have compersion. They actually get through the jealousy and say,

well, I'm really glad that my partner is experiencing that. I'm happy when you're happy, right? It's like if your partner gets a raise and you're like, oh, babe, I'm so, you're genuinely happy for them. But then cuckolding, it's typically men watching their female partners or wives have sex with another man. And you're right, it does have negative connotations in the sense of the man watching, it's the most disgraceful thing you can imagine and then actually watching that somehow twists on it and makes you feel even so worse that it turns into an erotic pleasure. You know? And what you're

saying is no, you don't feel any shame around it. Rob, have you guys opened up the relationship at all? Has there been any swinging or playing with other people? Early in our relationship we have done that and we don't really do it as much anymore, because kids are involved and life gets in the way. However, occasionally we will go to a club here in Texas that allows on-site, you know, type of activities. And we just play with ourselves, however, it is at times in group settings. So, you know, we don't have any problems with that and don't have any problems with other people. But yes, we do have that in our history. And

that is times open and it is fantasized about and talked about, just not really experienced as much at all as it has in the past. But you know, that some of the underlying features are still there with the compersion that I have mainly. And I don't expect it out of her. I don't expect to be with another woman But I do get the pleasure out of seeing her Being pleasured in different types of situation. It could be with another woman It could be with another man both of those things have happened But she sometimes in a negative light at when there's too much stress or anxiety

I think that I have i'm hung up on a fantasy that I want her To go out and be with other men. And that's over the edge. That's nowhere near close to what I feel. Okay. So I get that. So you're saying that you actually have more pleasure when you are watching her with someone else. What does she want, Rob? What turns her on? Interestingly enough, the past six months she has discovered how to squirt and squirt multiple times. And so that's been her big turn on lately. And mine too is that we've discovered this new found ability that she has

and how to get her to that point. So. Yeah. Right. Does she want to be with other people? Like, does she want that right now, current day? Well, we talk about it at times, but I can't tell whether she's saying that to please me in a fantasy mode or whether that's something that she that she really wants because you know it it's a different times of you know alcohol involved in party and all

night and hormones getting involved but i can't really break that down enough to see whether that's truly a box or that's something that she's saying because she knows that that's what i want even in a fantasy type of situation well that's what we gotta get to them out i don't think it's about her believing in compersion or not. I think it's just another, you said you listen, timing, tone and turf, outside the bedroom conversations. This is something that you need to have again and again, and to be open and curious and honest.

Now, how long have you been together, Rob? We've been together 15 years. Okay. I feel like when we're authentically ourselves and we keep tearing down the walls and all the things that we put up that she would know that this is something you authentically derive, you're not getting mad at her, you're not getting angry with her.

So I just think that there has to be just more talking and unpacking. And I think that a lot of the stuff that we want our partner, which they would just get this is education, exploration, listening to shows together or reading together. I don't know why, you know, again, a lot of times when our partners won't see it, maybe there's something else going on with her, like all I could think is maybe she doesn't actually really want to be swinging or seeing other people. Because what would be the thing if she doesn't believe compersion? What's the opposite

of that? She believes that you actually don't feel good about it. Like what is her belief around you wanting to see her with other men? I don't know. I don't know if she believes that you actually don't feel good about it. Like what is her belief around you wanting to see her with other men? I don't know. I don't know if she thinks that maybe I expect the inverse of that to be with another woman because I don't and I don't have those wishes. Well, you should tell her that. We have been with other couples and well, and I have, and I have. It's just sometimes talking to it, it gets exhausting on her side.

It's almost like she feels like I beat it into the ground by talking, I'm a communicator and she's not as much. We have to listen too, you know? Sure, true. You really listen, ask questions, get curious, tell me more about that. So you think it's that I really want something else, well, tell me more about that, tell me more about that

and just ask her questions, it's a practice. Listening is a practice and so I think that everyone can talk and communicate. They just have to feel safe. So I think you just have to have a little bit different kind of conversation, Rob, with her. You have to really listen, really pay attention because I don't think it's about the compersion versus cuckolding. It just sounds like there might be something else going on and I'm not sure what it is.

But I think, Rob, as a communicator, you could get there if you really want this. Absolutely. I will definitely do more listening. I promise. Okay. Thanks, Rob. Keep me posted. Okay. Let me know. Go. Thank you so much. Of course. Thank you for calling. Of course. I appreciate you too. Listen, asking for what you want is important. You got to be clear, be specific, tell your partner why you're interested in exploring with them,

but it's equally important that you listen to your partner during these conversations. Like, really listening and doing some practices of maybe reflecting back on what they said. Just try to understand what they want and why they want it. Then you can both have your dream sex life together. After the break, I talked to Desiree, who just moved, but she wants to stay in contact with the man she was dating. Should they keep things going long distance? Stay with us to find out.

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All right, it is finally here, you guys. I'm so excited to announce my very own SmartSX Community. We just launched the membership, and I'm really excited to tell you about it, and hopefully you will join us. So I've been doing the podcast for 20 years, and here's what happened. I got really sick of this one-sided

Conversation. Yes, you go back and listen to thousands of episodes and get my advice and read the blogs and check out the videos But the way that we actually make changes with sex and relationships is when it's a dialogue It's a conversation so I can work with you It is time to do the work. Now this membership has it all. There are AMAs, you can ask me anything. There'll be live coaching, guest coaching, workshops, webinars, along with weekly exclusive Q and A sessions with me,

exclusive content with some of the best minds in sexual health and wellness and so many other things. But I gotta tell you something. I don't know exactly where this membership is going. And that's because I'm building it right alongside you. I'm catering this membership to the members, to you. I wanna know what you want and I'm gonna fulfill your needs.

Cause you know, I go on all these retreats, I teach retreats and workshops and we have all these big breakthroughs and we're all connected. And then people go back to their towns and they're like, I have no one to talk to. I don't know what to do. And so with SmartSX,

you will have the opportunity to connect with like-minded community of people who are also passionate about improving their intimate lives. You're gonna build connections, share stories, find advice, all in a really safe space. So if you're interested in this membership, it has it all.

We are starting a pleasure revolution and I would love you to join. So go to my website, sexwithemily.com and click on the membership tab, that's sexwithemily.com. Click on the membership tab. That's sexwithemily.com. Click the membership tab and I will see you there. Next up we've got Desiree, 24 in Virginia. Hi, Desiree.

Hi. So tell me what's going on. Yeah, thanks for calling in. Yeah, so I started traveling for work in January and I moved away from my home state about seven and a half hours away. I started traveling for work in January and I moved away from my home state about seven and a half hours away. I started dating a guy in March and we met on Tinder, went on a date, we had a really good connection and when it came time for my next assignment, which is in Wyoming where

I'm currently at, it was really hard for me to leave him behind the night that I had to say goodbye to him. I was super upset. I had like a straight panic attack on the way home because I knew that I was moving across the country and that he didn't want to be long distance basically. And the time that we were talking, I'm not good at social dating.

Even though I knew we weren't going to be in a relationship because he was going to get deployed and I was going to continue traveling for work and visit a couple more places before I settled down. I was still so attached to him and I would go out on dates with other guys. I just was not interested at all. Like I couldn't make myself want to date any other, any other guy, basically. So we officially called things off last week. Um, we had a conversation and he basically told me that he thinks that I want a

relationship and that he's just not ready for that and that he's not going to be ready for a relationship until he's in his thirties. And I'm like, okay, I don't see how you can really put a timeline and say like when you're going to be ready, I feel like it just kind of happens. And I do have a date lined up tonight and tomorrow. So I'm trying, but it's just really hard for me to socially date. I always get like obsessed with one person and then after that I'm not interested in others. That's when you say socially date you mean like casually date? Yeah. Is that the same thing?

Okay got it. I haven't heard it called socially date but I like that too. I kind of like that. So you know casual dating or socially dating isn't for everybody and I think that we don't know what you are yet. Like I think in the way that maybe up until now you haven't been a casual date or a social dater't know what you are yet. I think in the way that maybe up until now, you haven't been a casual dater or a social dater, but I mean, you are still figuring out your, I could see him saying he doesn't want to get married or be in a relationship until he's 30. I mean, I do think your 20s are a great time

to be exploring who you are and what kind of people you like, and maybe you just socially date a few people, and maybe there's one person and then you both agree, like this is going well, let's try to commit. But I think there's something to be said for sort of dating and exploring and getting to know other people. What part of it do you think it doesn't work for you, the social dating? I honestly just don't want,

because I get fixated on one person and if I were to know that he was talking to other people, it would hurt me, even though we are technically socially casually dating. We have the permission to do that, but I'm just not interested. So I guess I expect the guy not to be interested in socially or casually dating too. And so once he told me that he just didn't even really want to focus on, he's going through a divorce right now, which it didn't get really dramatic or anything until recently when she started asking me

for more money and stuff. So he was super stressed out about that. Honestly, we were good up until that point and until I moved away and then we just kind of died out. Right. Well, what about this part of you? I want to go back to your language of I get, what did you say?

You said I get obsessed or I get, I get. I get like, I get fixated on someone. Fixated, okay. So that's, I get fixated on someone. Fix it. Okay, so that's, that's something to look at. Because that is about your challenges, your own childhood wounding, if you will. It's like, we're never a hundred percent safe in any relationship.

We don't know what could happen. But the fact that you already know that you have a tendency to get into it so much and that it's so intense, I feel like that might be something to look at. Like what does it feel like to think that someone could be dating someone else and you? It hurts, I think I get jealous.

And I also got out of a relationship in January when I moved away and I was cheated on on that relationship. So I think that that has a lot to do with it too, having trust issues. And I'm just the kind of person, I wanna know where we stand, I wanna know what we are. And I just kind of, I'm very straightforward. I'm just gonna ask you, hey, are you talking to other people?

Like, let me know so I can kind of prepare myself to not catch things for you. Yeah, but that's really hard to do. And I think that sometimes that's really scary to say to someone, what are we, where are we at, who are we, when you don't know yet. See, this is the messed up thing about dating is that we're like, you go out and do a few dates

with someone and then you think, okay, well, let's just lock it down right now, but you don't really know them yet. You're still getting to know each other. And so this takes some work on yourself. And I think it's a longer conversation, but it's about like, I feel like this stringency you have and this need to control it,

and we all have it in different ways. Like I'm much more open in relationships, like I don't want to commit. It's all the same thing, but like opposite sides of the same coin, if you will. But I think it would be interesting to look at like, we know your last boyfriend cheated on you and what happened to that, like this distrust.

And maybe there's a certain like sense that you want them to like you and you want to lock it down but maybe you don't even know for sure are they the ones for you sometimes. So I think it might be good to do some of your own work on yourself. Have you done anything yet? Any therapy? Have you talked to anyone about this? I did start seeing a therapist back home when I was in a relationship but then once I moved away it's kind of hard to, because I go to a different state every three to six months. So right now I don't have a therapist, so we're doing like a meeting once a week and I can text her or call her. And right now she's

really just trying to get to know me and what I want to work on. So that's helped some. And then I told myself I was going to branch out as far as going on dates. So I got on Tinder and Hinge, no luck with Hinge, but I got back on Tinder and have a date with a guy tomorrow. So I'm excited for that. And then tonight I'm actually just going to hook up with a guy. He's an older guy, he's into BDSM,

which I'm into as well. So I'm excited for that. I'm hoping that's gonna help me really get over this. Well, I think it might. I mean, this is the Desiree that I wanna see. Like you are out there exploring and not getting attached to a guy who's going through a divorce,

that you're not living in the same state anymore. Like that's like the neurochemicals in our brain getting attached to someone right away and wanting to know what it is and fix it. The guy, feelings for him, but like, is it realistic at 24 when you're moving around that this is your guy? I mean, I know this is all very logical

and love and attraction and romance is not, it's more biological and psychological, but I'm just trying to give you like a broader perspective of the way you're coming at it, but I like the part of you that's gonna go out and maybe have an experience with an older guy consensually and go out on dating apps and see is it maybe, cause maybe you'll find that you are someone

who can socially date. Maybe it doesn't mean you have to socially have sex, but you socially are going out and meeting people and trying to figure out what kind of person do I wanna be with whom I really attracted to. And just, especially if you just got out of a relationship as well, you know, I just don't think it's about this guy who's not available

and not gonna sell down until he's 30. He would drive you insane. You would never trust him. You would never trust him. I mean, that's the thing, we don't listen sometimes to what people say to us. We have to remember, like, he told you that. And that's something that doesn't make him, like, very desirable, right? In some ways, like, a lot of people would be like, okay, well, then I'm out. But there's something in you that's still attracted to that. And maybe it's, oh, I can change him or he's gonna see the way. So I think just catching yourself in these thought patterns and associations that you have with dating might help you sort of reframe it and look at it differently as you're on this path of learning.

I think so too. It's easier hearing it from someone else. Good! Well, that's what I'm here for. I'm here to. It's easier hearing it from someone else. Good, well that's what I'm here for. I'm here to give you perspective. So I hope that's helpful. Have fun, enjoy your life, and don't get hung up on people that are not available. All right, thank you so much Emily.

You're so welcome Desiree, have a great day. I appreciate you. You too, bye. If you feel like you are sort of stuck in a pattern of dating or you just think well I can only sleep with people this way or this is what I want and you're so definitive about it I hope that this will encourage everybody to think maybe that's no longer who I am Maybe that's not serving me anymore. Is that true?

Is it really true? And once you start to look at it and say well Maybe I can kind of experience a new way of dating and a new way of connecting people, you might surprise yourself. And I think these are that this is the time to do it when you're single and you're exploring. And just to kind of say, I'm gonna let go of my preconceived notions of what I thought it meant to be in a relationship or to be committed or to be sexual and just be open and then check in with yourself. Journal after dates, journal after sexual experiences. Then you're gonna start collecting data about who you are as a sexual being, who you are in a

relationship, and it's gonna help inform you for all your relationships going forward. My next caller is Libby 20 in British Columbia. Hi there. Hi. So how can I help you? What's going on? Yeah, so I emailed because I had this problem for a little while and recently I found that it is starting to get better, but it's something I definitely need to get fixed because I care about this relationship a lot and I wanna make sure that I'm working

to be healthier going forward. But basically I have found that because of a couple different factors, I'd become really hypersensitive to touch and often kissing or making out it would be what set that off Hmm. Okay. Yeah, so I think it could be because of a couple things I mean a big thing that I talked to my doctor about is because I have ADHD and a lot of the Hypersensitivity can come from that but yeah past partners. I've definitely started to associate

Negative experiences with like kissing from dumb and brought that into my current relationship, which is more or less what I want to work on. So really you think it comes from ADHD? I thought that could be something just because that's something my doctor had mentioned, but one of the things I thought of before that was I kind of had a negative experiences with kissing before. My past partner would only kind of like make out with me before sex and he kind of withhold that from me and you're about to have sex so because I wasn't having very fulfilling sexual experiences with him every time we made out I was kind of

like I don't want to say filled with dread but I definitely wasn't excited right so then from that I just kind of began to associate the two things with each other and then that's kind of carried on whereas now like if my partner goes to make out with me and I'm like oh sorry I'm not in the mood right now they're like that's okay sometimes it's just nice to make out. Yeah oh okay well it's good that you know this yeah it's good that you're recognizing these patterns because maybe it's small baby steps like it doesn't do making out maybe you just start building back up with like small touches

and like light kisses and it's like a slow process of getting to get comfortable with it again without the association because now that you know where it comes from, we have to build new reward systems around it, new neural pathways in our brain because you're so used to that reaction that if you just, maybe you could let your partner know you just want like small kisses and light kisses

and to let you know when he's gonna kiss you and you could also practice with touch, like light touches on your arm and just, it's really somatic, which means like in our, our embodied experience, like being in our body and it sounds like if you really start to pay attention to what feels good, you'll have have new you'll be able to associate new sensations with touch and a new partner. Yeah exactly I think it should be a

relatively easy process but it's just been so tricky because I really don't want to come across like I don't like it because I want to work on making sure that it's something I can do more but yeah it's definitely been a bit of like a mental block for me in the past like trying to make sure that I'm not totally ruling out making out a kissing as a full option. Yeah. You're with someone right, your boyfriend now, could you talk to him about this and just say, I want to be able to work on this, would you help me just like slow it down? Because I'll bet once you, you know, it's like baby steps of rebuilding the connection to kissing again and not have it be something that's so triggering and it's kind of traumatic. For sure. Yeah. And he's been very understanding of my needs and like it works really hard to address them. So I think that's definitely something.

But then, yeah, I just, I'm kind of curious about how to phrase it, not to say like, hey, when we make out, I find that it's really overwhelming for me or sometimes when you do this, it really sets it off and like trying to find a more positive way to spin it and be like, because I like it so much, I want to make sure that we're doing it x-wise. Yeah, I just want to make sure no feelings get hurt. Yeah, I mean that's the thing. And I love that you're saying this too because the reason why most of us don't have conversations about sex is because we're so afraid that our partner's gonna get hurt.

So you can just say to them, listen, this is something that's awkward to say, or it's uncomfortable, because I want you to know that I love our sex life and our connection. Here's all the things that are great. And I've realized that I have this association with kissing, and it has nothing to do with you.

It has to do with my past. So I'd love to kind of slow down the way we make out because I know that I'm so attracted to you and I'm so into you and I need to build this, these circuitries back up, this reaction back up. But it's something my doctor told me to do. And would you be down with doing this for me? Would you be down, you know, it has nothing to do with you.

This has been something that I wanna, I need your help. Yeah, exactly. Working on this. It's gotta reinforce it. And you said that he's been very attentive to your needs. Yeah. And I think you're gonna find once you have permission from somebody,

like I have a feeling once you do that and you're with a willing partner, it's gonna take you no time to have a different relationship with kissing and touch. Taking away all the negativity, you know, when you shed the light on the thing that you think is like a darkness, right? That's sort of how it can blossom

and how you can be released from those shackles of that problem, if that makes sense. I totally get you, yeah. There's some power in like a partner who's willing that you're like, oh, I was actually just afraid of all of this and now he's there kissing, shut this down. I just have a really good feeling about this for you because you're very articulate. You're aware you're on the path. Thank you. Yeah. I think bringing it up will be huge, especially because it's like right now, I think a lot of the fear

just comes from, is it going to happen this time? And I think if I just address it, then a big portion of that fear is going to be cut out too. That's it. Just address it. That's the fears. A lot of times false evidence appearing real so it's just something in your mind that's creating this triggering effect and having a healthy talk would be awesome. Let me know how it goes. Thank you so much I really appreciate it. Thank you for calling of course I got you have a good day. You too. Bye. Our darkness becomes our light. The things that we are hiding, like we are so afraid of being not loved, someone abandoning us, judging us,

hurting our partners, that we keep things so deep inside of us and then it becomes even more intense and more exasperated. Healthy communication and being in intimate relationship is all about sharing your secrets. The things that you think you cannot say, the things that you think that make you unlovable and that you can't imagine telling anybody

and if you told your partner this, they're never gonna be with you. Those are the things that you need to talk to your partner about. Not every single one of them, not at once you gotta sit down and dump it on your partner, but I'm saying something like this in a way that's like, this isn't about you,

can you help me, we're in it together. The right partner who cares about you and your pleasure is gonna be like yeah babe, of course, no big deal, let's slow it down, let's make out like we're teenagers, you know, it's like and then you realize there's such a weight that gets lifted because it's it was really just your false evidence appearing real, it was your fear and none of that ever pans out to be as bad as we think. And in fact, it makes everything better once we shed light on our darkness. That's it for today's episode.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or a partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, or X, and Facebook. It's all at Sex With Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email.

So sign up on SexWithEmily.com, and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or just go to SexWithEmily.com slash Ask Emily. Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at SexWithEmily.com.