Sex With Emily - How to Ask for What You Want in Bed (For Better Sex)

Episode Date: June 6, 2025

In this captivating episode of the Sex with Emily podcast, Dr. Emily welcomes back adult film legend and author Joanna Angel to discuss her brilliant new choose-your-own-adventure erotic novel "Club 42." From her transformative days as a stripper to building a porn empire, Joanna shares how embracing her sexuality became the foundation of her confidence and success We dive into Joanna's fascinating journey of sexual self-discovery, exploring how stripping taught her to embrace her femininity, develop unshakeable confidence, and connect authentically with others. Her new book takes readers on multiple erotic adventures through a strip club setting, allowing you to choose your own path through various sexual scenarios—from hooking up with fellow dancers to exploring BDSM and everything in between. This episode is packed with practical advice on dirty talk, sexting, and vocal expression during intimacy. Joanna breaks down why authentic communication is crucial for great sex, how to move beyond performative sounds influenced by porn, and why being genuinely expressive enhances pleasure for everyone involved. We also explore her weakness for "band guys" and how sexual attraction doesn't always align with our feminist ideals. Key Topics Covered: How stripping transformed Joanna's confidence and sexuality The art of choose-your-own-adventure erotica Dirty talk vs. sexting: different skills for different situations Moving beyond porn-influenced sexual performance Why authentic vocalization enhances pleasure Sexual confidence and embracing your desires The psychology behind attraction to "bad boys" Creating inclusive, diverse sexual narratives Joanna's refreshing honesty about sexuality, combined with her literary talents, offers listeners both inspiration and practical tools for expanding their own sexual adventures. Whether you're looking to spice up your relationship or explore new fantasies, this episode celebrates the power of choice, authenticity, and unapologetic pleasure. Show Notes:  00:00:00 - Joanna's journey from stripper to porn entrepreneur 08:00:00 - How stripping built unshakeable sexual confidence15:00:00 - "Club 42": Choose-your-own-adventure erotica 23:00:00 - The art of authentic dirty talk and sexting 31:00:00 - Moving beyond performative sexuality 38:00:00 - Listener questions and practical advice This episode reminds us that great sex starts with knowing yourself, embracing your desires, and having the confidence to ask for what you want—whether in the bedroom or on the page. Join the SmartSX Membership : ⁠https://sexwithemily.com/smartsx  ⁠Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. List & Other Sex With Emily Guides: ⁠https://sexwithemily.com/guides/ ⁠ Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides. SHOP WITH EMILY!:https://bit.ly/3rNSNcZ (free shipping on orders over $99) Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website: ⁠https://sexwithemily.com/ ⁠ Let's get social:  Instagram ⁠https://www.instagram.com/sexwithemily/⁠  X ⁠https://twitter.com/sexwithemily⁠ Facebook ⁠https://www.facebook.com/sexwithemily⁠ TikTok ⁠https://www.tiktok.com/@sexwithemily ⁠ Threads https:⁠//www.threads.net/@sexwithemily  ⁠ Let's text: Sign up here ⁠https://sexwithemily.com/text 

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Dirty talk and sexting is like you're telling a story. You're telling a story. Think of it like a story. I love that of breaking down a sexual experience that you had with this person or that you want to have in the future and get descriptive, get dirty, whatever that means to you. Yeah, that is sometimes like the tense, like you have to act like it's happening right now,

you know? And then I was like, do this and do this and like, now fuck me, now give me your cock and do this, like if you really are sexting, like you are having sex. Right. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to just ask for exactly what you want in bed?

Like not hint around it, not hope your partner magically figures it out, but actually say the words out loud. I know, I know, it sounds terrifying. I mean, most of us can barely order what we want at a restaurant without second guessing ourselves. I get it. Let alone communicate our deepest desires. Like, it's all hard.

But here's the thing. The people are having the most incredible sex. They're not just lucky. They're not just naturally gifted. They're just really, really good at one thing and that's talking about what they want. And nobody knows this better than today's guest. Joanna Angel is an adult film star.

She's a writer, director and author who's built an empire on understanding desire, communication, and yes, getting exactly what you want. In today's episode, we're diving deep into the art of dirty talk, why most of us freeze up when it comes to expressing our fantasies and how to build a confidence to ask for what you want and what actually turns you on. Plus, Joanna's sharing some of her favorite techniques for making those conversations feel less awkward and way more exciting.

Whether you're looking to spice things up with a long-term partner or just want to feel more confident expressing yourself sexually, this conversation is gonna give you the tools to transform how you communicate about pleasure. So let's get into it. ["The First Man"]

Joanna, first off, congratulations on your book. Thank you. Club 42. It is a thrill. It's a choose your own adventure erotica, which is brilliant. So what was your inspiration for this one? Most people know me for my work in the adult film industry. So I don't really talk about my time as an exotic dancer really ever. So this was like a fun thing to write about, you know? And the fascinating thing about the exotic dancer world is like, or stripping, whatever you want to call it. It's like, you know, when you're on a porn set, everyone on the porn set is in the porn industry.

So you're kind of just, you're in this closed circle and there's like unique things that happen and everybody comes from their own walks of life. But it's different. It's like, you know, once you're in the day to day motions of porn, like it starts to become, you know, like a very regular job. But strip clubs are a unique world because you have half the room is in the sex industry and half the room isn't and they're all meshing together you know and and especially like even just the staff of a strip club is always like fascinating because you'll have like a manager of a strip club who before that maybe managed like an Applebee's or something you know

I love all the characters it's yeah tell me what did you learn about yourself doing that I mean I think that's so adventurous to just do that you must have learned that was like this first step on your journey. It was, I wouldn't be who I was if I never became a stripper. I think it really helped me embrace my femininity. It helped me embrace my sexuality.

It helped me like be more confident. It really helped oddly my like people skills, you know, because it's your job as a stripper to just sit down and talk to every single person in the club and figure out how to get money out of them. You know, I learned so much about myself. It's almost like I became like this sexual superhero on stage, you know, and I, like, you can't go on stage at a strip club and not be confident, you know?

Like, it doesn't matter how you actually feel about yourself or how you view yourself. Like, you have to be sexy on that stage. You have no choice. And I think being sexy and being confident and that side of me was never very, like, developed. And I really, like, found it at a strip club. And the first time I just like got on stage

and I really felt like everyone in the room was like in love with me, like that feeling. And it was like, when I walked on that stage, nobody cared. Like I said, I was not the most beautiful girl at the club. So you could tell I walked on stage and people were like, you know, they weren't like blown away, but I captured them with with my dancing and with my connection with each person and with, I don't know. So I just kind of learned how to find the sexual demon in me. Yeah, it was a very transformative time in my life, you know,

and then it transferred into porn, where I was like, I don't know, feeling- You could do anything. Yeah, I don't know. I think the Stroop Club gave me this feeling of like, I could conquer anything, like being able to go in there and conquer that room. That is such an intimidating thing.

I mean, you know, a lot of my listeners are having a hard time just having that confidence in the bedroom with one person. Right. And that takes a very special skill to be able to get out there and just get naked and be confident when you don't have any other experience ever doing it before. So what could we teach people like from that experience? Like how could we take that Joanna spirit and bring that into a situation that might be? No, because it's really everything. I feel like once as a woman or a man for that matter,

once you lose your confidence, you lose everything, you know, and it's hard to be confident in this world. It's very hard. This is a hard world to be in, you know? Really hard. You know, battles that you face every day. You have to come into the bedroom with that umph, you know, I don't know if you can find that, um, in the bedroom, you've got to come into it.

Yeah, so like outside the bedroom, get to know your body, get to know, you know, masturbation, look in the mirror, like look at yourself, right? We're always looking for ways to expand our sexual repertoire, to get more adventurous. And I just think it's really, it grabs you from the top. Like you are in, you want to know where you go on this adventure in the strip club, through the people you're sleeping with, through the others, the staff. It's really fun Joanna.

So club 42 you guys get it and I think it's good for Valentine's Day now people can get it read it with your partner. You can get a signed copy too. Okay. But yeah, you can just or you can order it on Amazon or anywhere that books are found. I think the actual release date is February 9th, but you can you can order it. Yeah pre-order it I am going to be doing a virtual reading of my book through skylight books on Valentine's Day at 3 p.m So tune in with okay tune in and they can find it. I'm Lee. I want to come I want to come I got no plans up. I'll be around I would love to yeah, I will I mean Joanna, but this is exactly what I was thinking I was like this is the erotica because some people they're not into watching porn

There's a lot of girl girl sex a lot of boy girl sex and there's a there's actually a chapter I don't know if you got there yet with them where she has a relationship with a trans woman There's a whole section of the book where she tries to become a dominatrix. So, and so she experiences that. So there's, you know, there's just a lot, there's like every kind of sex in this book. That's what, that's what I was gonna say. It's like, it serves you up. It's like a tasting platter, a restaurant was like,

would you like to try a little bit of everything? You are totally drawn in and turned on and it's an adventure. Yeah. Okay, but Joanna, so congratulations on your book, Club 42. I also wanna get into a little bit about Dirty Talk because we've been getting so many emails and questions as we always have about Dirty Talk,

but I think there's something about the pandemic. People are sexting more. People are digitizing their sex lives right now. And so they're like, what do you- It's a very important skill. It is. So where do you start? Like my partner asked me to have dirty, what do I do?

Like, where do I start? Okay, you have to dive in, get into the sex. It was actually hard for me, a porn star to do that. So every woman out there, like just understand that this is something that like requires like a different, this is not even about being good in bed. This is like a different part of your brain and your sexuality that you're using.

But you gotta just think of like something really filthy and like get aroused by it and just write it down. Like that's just what you have to. So practice maybe. I always say practice, practice in the shower. Listen to erotica, read erotica, watch porn and write down things that kind of speak to you that turn you on.

And then just practice it. So, but let's just back up before the filthy because sometimes, because I think it can be filthy, but you're like, what does that mean? I'm a nice girl or I don't want to be filthy, but it can also just be starting off with like what words are you comfortable with maybe like I don't want to be called a whore, but I want to be called this or that. Or do you think just start with finding what excites you? Even slow, sensual sex, something and go with it.

Right. Like write down what you want done to you, you know, like right out. Like, OK, if so and so was here right now, what would you want them to do to you? Right. Write it down and be graphic and be descriptive. Like exactly what do you want them to do? You know, or or what do you want to do to you. Right. Write it down and like be graphic and be descriptive like exactly what do you want them to do you know or or what do you want to do to them? I mean I sext my fans all day on my OnlyFans channel. You do on your OnlyFans? Okay tell me about sexting. Okay should we just talk about sexting then? How do you I know it becomes a muscle because I'm actually out of practice right now but I used to be a big sexter and I was always like I could be doing anything anything. I would just come out and then I'm like, oh shit,

just so everyone knows it is a muscle. And if you don't use it over time, I'm like, I need a refresher as well. You want to be really descriptive. You want to describe things in detail, like what you're wearing. I always heard like what I love about them, what I like. And then I'd be like, I'm wearing right now, like this sexy thing. I'm picturing you going down on me and picturing you like ripping it off with your teeth. No, you have to get more descriptive than that.

Like I'm picturing you going down on me. You have to be like, I want you to spread my pussy lips open and take your tongue and go up and down my clit, you know? Like, and then I want you to taste my moisture inside of me because my pussy juices are so sweet right now. And like, I mean, you gotta get, you can't just say, you can't just say that. You can't say go down on me.

You need to describe what your pussy juices taste like that day and like what you want them to do with it. And like, I don't know, you need to like really, like if you're gonna go for it, there's like no reason to dirty talk if it's gonna be lame. Do not be a lame dirty talker. Be a lame dirty talker because you don't have to dirty talk. It's going to be lame. Do not be a lame dirty talker. Be a lame dirty talker

because you don't have to dirty talk. It's not like a law, but if you're going to do it, you know, then just talk about something else. Talk about your favorite Netflix show and have a really intense conversation about a TV show or movie. Okay, so what would you say to a guy then about him? Let's talk about you describing sucking their cock.

I mean, like I said, everybody's dynamic is different. You know, be like, I wanna suck your cock. I wouldn't put it all the way down my throat. I want you to come over. I wanna suck your cock. I wanna lick your balls. I wanna stick my tongue in your asshole. I want to drink your cum.

I wanna be your little cum slut. I want to be on my knees while you throw my head against the wall and you just fuck my face. I want to taste your pre-cum. I want to, you know, like, what do you want to do? Like, just say it or, like, do you want to just get, you know, or you, like, want to give a more sensual blowjob? I want to take my hands and stroke them up and down your cock.

You know, it's also a good thing that I should actually look into more, like look up, what is it called? Gooning, where you're like, or edging, you know. Oh yeah, edging. Oh, I wanna like tease, you know, so then maybe- I'm not gonna let you come, I'm gonna, yeah, I wanna tease you.

You know, I wanna stroke your cock, like I'm touching my pussy right now, like, you know, make it so like you have to get off and he can't get off, you know, if you wanna play with that and like just see how long you can kind of keep him horny. But you know, if you wanna suck a guy's dick, you're not prude.

So talk about how you wanna suck that dick. I love that you're going from zero to 60 cause some people are like, I'm gonna be like, I'm so wet right now, I'm thinking about you. Like I'm thinking about you. That's lame. It was everyone. We're all wet right now. We're all wet. Exactly. So you have to get into the details. Tell me more about it, you know? Oh, God.

Why is your wetness different from the other wetness? But if you've never talked dirty and you're a beginner and you're sexting someone to be like, I want you to spread my pussy lips open and taste my juices might be a little too... And me, Joanna, you've been doing this all and you probably can't... It's hard to scroll back to like starting. But like, if you've had oral sex before,

like describe what's going on in your head. I'm just thinking about my listeners. What has helped me is to write about my sexual experiences and then go there because then you've already written, like you said, writing your book. It just rolls off the tongue. I mean, I'm telling you, I did that in the very first draft of my first book when I was like, and then he went down on me.

And I remember my editor, which was so funny for me. I'm a porn star. I'm a porn star who's been gang banged, you know. I had been through many years of doing every kind of filthy act under the sun. And I have a woman who's an editor that like works at a publishing company in glasses and a skirt being like, you need to be more dirty.

Do you know how weird that was for me? You're like, I am dirty. I was like, who are you? And then she wrote back a disc, this complete like school teacher looking woman that sits behind a desk and edits books for a living, not just sex books, but other books. She was like, here's how you should write this.

And I was like, oh my Lord, you know? Like, so I'm telling you, you kind of have to go from zero to 60. Like there's really no middle ground when it comes to dirty talk. If you've given a blow job before, like describe what you do when you suck a dick, you know? Like you're not gonna describe it as, and I suck dick,

like, or, and I gave a blowjob, like. I licked your shaft, I swallowed your cum. Yeah, what did it taste like? Like what, you know, did you want it hard? Did you want it soft? And if you wanted it hard, why did you want it hard? Was like the blood rushing in your body that's saying more, more, you know, like, are you like grinding your crotch like, like against him because you just can't take it

anymore. Like, I don't know, like these are feelings and thoughts that you already have. You just have to get them out on paper, you know, cell phone or whatever. That's it. I think you're take the notes, practice, practice on your phone, writing it. And then I love the idea also of using Dirty Talk and practicing with sexting, because then let's say there's something you wanna try, you could just kind of test the waters there. Like maybe you want your partner to edge you,

you want your partner to tease you. You could say, I picture you coming home and like, I'm in, you know, you tie me up and you won't let me come. You just explain to them what you want in detail and you try it out. And then if it doesn't happen, then you know, maybe they weren't into it.

But it's a good way to communicate when you're not looking eye to eye with someone. Yeah, but I think either you have that kind of relationship with someone or you don't. But people prematurely sex, because some people are just starting out and then you don't, cause I know what you're saying. I've been in relationships where it's super dirty all the time like that and then somewhere it's just not and I probably need to be bringing it there and I just

am like, am I really invested in this relationship? But yeah, you just fucking go there. You could be the leader of it. There's no blueprint because they want it too but no one knows how to do it. I hear from men, I hear from women. But is that because of the dynamic you have with someone? Or do you know what I mean? Well, here's the thing. I think you're absolutely right. I think sometimes we have this dynamic and your partner's like, I want you to talk dirty to me.

I just said, I want to fuck you so hard. Now your turn. And you're like, well, I've never talked dirty. And they might not be giving you enough. They don't know what they want either. So I love the idea of people buying your book and when they read it to each other, the words come out of their mouth and that's a practice.

If you've never said any of these words, why do you think in the bedroom where you might not be the most confident or you might be a little nervous, think that you should all of a sudden be able to be the perfect dirty talker. But there's two different, I mean the dirty talking with sexting

is way more descriptive. Dirty talking in the bedroom is just like, I mean, I don't really say that much during sex other than fuck me. Oh God, that feels good. Like fuck me harder. You know, like. I know, that's what I've defaulted to.

Talking in the bedroom is just whatever comes to your brain, you know? And then it really will sound stupid if it's not natural to you. But dirty talking sexting is like, you're telling a story. You're telling a story. Think of it like a story. And I love that of breaking down a sexual experience

that you had with this person or that you want to have in the future and get descriptive, get dirty, whatever that means to you. Yeah, that is sometimes like the tense. Like you have to act like it's happening right now. And then I was like, do this and do this. And like, now fuck me. Now give me your cock and do this.

Like if you really are sexting, like you are having sex, right? You know, you're not like, I want you to do this. It's like get in the moment where the two of you are like, okay, now take your hands and put it on my this. Okay, now do this. Now shove me this. Like if you're really sexting, you're doing it. You're in the moment.

Exactly. It's happening. You, it is on, it is on. Oh my God. Exactly. And then you're describing it. You're in it together. And then when you see each other, it's kind of like you're having, it's sort of like foreplay. I was like foreplay all day. Like what a great way to like build up. Then you know, when you see each other, you'll be so that much more turned on. And it also helps to masturbate while you're actually be doing it, be doing the thing. So you're in that mindset. You're like, I am turned on and wet right now and I'm gonna go there. It helps fill your fantasy life for sure or build it. What about role playing? Do you ever do any of that? I love role playing.

I mean, I think it's so much fun. I think it's especially fun for women. Give me some tips for that real quickly. We love to buy clothes. And this is an excuse to buy like different clothes to wear in the bedroom. Like it's awesome. I love it too.

Here's one question we'll do really quickly. This is from Miranda, 28 in the UK. Any tips on dirty talk? This turns I partner on so much, but I find I get totally tongue tied. I feel instantly nervous and self-conscious. I find it hard to vocalize despite being a very sexually experimental and open person.

Why is talking in the moment so hard? You might feel awkward at first, but you just kind of do it and then practice in the shower. Practice when you're alone. Practice when you're going for a run. Start to, just start by like moaning, you know? Like some people are just too nervous to even like moan. You know, a lot of times things just come out like. They do. If you're not moaning, you know? Like some people are just too nervous to even like moan. You know, a lot of times things just come out, like.

They do. If you're not moaning, I love it. Start with moaning because there's some of it, so self-conscious. If you're not making noise in the bedroom, like walk before you run, start to moan. Some women don't. I think that they're self-conscious of that as well.

And they go back to your doing your own handiwork, masturbation, I think. Cause then you could practice when you're masturbating. Practice all of this when you're masturbating and when you're alone first. So you don't feel so, so like, so she doesn't feel so nervous and self-conscious. Yeah. It's like you practice your lines before you,

do you practice your lines before you do a porn? Well, of course, yeah. So there you go. This is like that. You guys were like performing something, know it ahead of time. Yeah. Yeah, Joanne.

But also it's okay, you know, like you can have sex without dirty talking. Actually, I think too much dirty talk can be weird. Yeah, I think that people are thinking that they just have to say something that's perfect and literally can be like, fuck me harder. That feels so good. Your cock's so awesome. That's why I think also in the moment, just describe what you want. Yeah. Describe what it feels like. Yeah. That's what you do in the moment, just describe what you want. Describe what it feels like. Yeah. That's what you do in the moment.

And then sexting, you get to tell your own erotic adventure. Yeah. Like your book, Joanna. Yeah. It's happening. Yes. It's all happening.

Make something happen. Then it becomes like fun. Like when I'm with someone in it, it's like, it's exciting. It's fun. It's a thrill. It's magical. And you get turned you on. You're creating your own erotica that's going to turn you on.

And then you go back and read it. This is what I always say, foreplay all day, keep sex top of mind. Because people just don't think about sex. They're busy, they're working, they're stressed out and they get in the bedroom like, oh, now I have to perform. But this is such a great way to keep it going all the time when you're not with your partner. Yeah. I love it.

Thank you, Joanna. This was super helpful. I'm glad you dropped in, Joanna Angel. Good, I'm glad. And I'm really, I love your, I can't wait to- I'm glad I enjoyed the book. I really did. Yeah, absolutely.

We all did. I can't wait for people to get it. Thank you, Joanna. They can find you at Joanna Angel everywhere. Yeah, yeah. Just Joanna Angel on Instagram, Joanna Angel on Twitter. If you wanna, if you wanna sext with me,

sign up for my OnlyFans. There you go. They could just sex with you and learn. I love this, Joanna. Thank you for being here. So good to see you. Thank you. Thank you for having me. Buy the book, Club 42.

That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily. And if you love the show, please like, subscribe and leave a review wherever you've got your podcasts. And hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something. It usually does. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook

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