Sex With Emily - How to Be a Master-Dater with Zara Barrie

Episode Date: March 1, 2017

Dating: How do any of us do it? And more importantly, how do we do it right? On today’s show Emily is joined by writer, talk-show host, and overall badass Zara Barrie to unpack the hot topic of dating in the digital age — the good, the bad, and what it means for us as we try to find our match. Are you experiencing dating burnout? Not sure how to initiate casual sex? How do you find the silver lining from your break up? Emily and Zara discuss tips to help you get out of your dating funk, meet the right people and feel good doing it. And of course, there’s no shortage of hot sex tips, from breast play to teasing to the oral sex secrets you need to know. From toxic relationships to dating yourself first to lesbian sex myths debunked, this show is jam-packed with life, love and sex lessons. Don’t miss it! Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep this podcast FREE: Intensity by Pour Moi, Sportsheets, System JO, Promescent and Womanizer... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm joined by writer, talk show host, and all around badass, millennial, and smarty-hody, Zara Berry. We're getting so many hot topics, including tips for bicarious women, what we can really learn from breakups and hookups, and how to casually date today. And I promise you, some really, really, really good oral

sex tips in my favorite. Thanks for listening. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubize they call them in a bag on me. Hey, Aveline, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

The girls got a hair stand. Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here.

So, so, so. Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … You're listening to Sex with Emily, we're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexethemely.com. You can have a goddamn party at our website now. Have you not been there lately? Because every day we're posting blogs, videos,

everything you need to have better sex and relationships. And it's really easy to subscribe to our website, all of our social media, just amazing content there. We're at Sex with Emily across the board, Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, all that good stuff. And I love you all, thank you for listening. And I'm really excited for my guest here today. Hi, Zo.

I'm so excited to be here. This is so fun. This is so fun. And I'm honestly a huge fan of yours. And I have been for a long time. Like, way before I started writing about sexuality on the internet, how did you find it? I think they're Dr. Drew.

Like, I'm a big Dr. Drew. Oh, yeah. Yeah, okay. I'm in a group with like the love Drew. Like I'm a big Dr. Drew. Oh yeah, okay. I'm gonna grow up with the love line era. I was a little young, but I had older siblings. So yeah, I think I'd like discovered you through him maybe. And then I just think what you do is so amazing. Thank you. Like you're such a sex positive voice

and that's so needed. And like I just, I, yeah. Well, that's why you're here because you're taking ads. I mean, I, I love Zara. We met actually at, in New York, at the, the expo in September. I think I spent the time there. I don't remember.

It seems like, oh my god, this year's been, oh, that was last year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But who knows the time is gone. And Zara, she's a New York-based writer, a talk show host, and you do, you, I love all your writing. I mean, it's like, she writes about sexuality, a talk show host, and you do, I love all your writing. I mean, it's like, she writes about sexuality, heartbreak fashion, emotional discontent.

It's like a roller coaster, we just have to get a good way. Like exhilarating and break ups and break through, break downs and just sacks, it's all just so good. So I'm so glad you're here. You're gonna share your insights on dating, meeting, navigating sacks, it's a millennial. I can't wait for you guys to hear what she has to say. Like, how are you doing? I'm good.

I'm in LA. Loving being in LA. And it's really, it's been actually really interesting because I lived here when I was like very young. I lived here when I was 17. And I lived here until I was 22. And it was just like kind of when I sort of came out as a lesbian.

Right. And I was like going kind of when I sort of came out as a lesbian. And I was like going to all these crazy lesbian, it was just like a very, I worked at Fred Seagull. Oh my god. I was like, I did this very lost. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. But it was like this big coming of age time for me and to come back now at 30.

And kind of like, now I'm a writer. And I sort of have like more direction and focus in my life. LA is like a different experience. Right. Exactly. You know? LA is like, it's such a bad rap. And in all the things that people think about LA and that way are true. People are here to find the dream.

There's a lot of superficial, you know, things going on. People and the whole business and everyone's out for their own good and wants to see what you could give them. They're a superficial at superficiality. But you find your people and you find your space and there is a lot of sophistication here in culture and things going on are good people. And everybody's so nice.

I know, right? Like everybody's chatting. Like as a New Yorker, it's almost like I was in culture shock. I was telling my brother and my sister both live here and I was like, I'm in total actual culture shock right now. Like everyone's making small talk, everyone's smiling, the sun is shining, I was like, what is going on?

No, it's true. And you would think people like, oh, LA, everyone's kind of snobby, it's not like that at all. And even say I used to live in San Francisco, I moved here four years ago, and everyone's like San Francisco's like everyone's really snotty and they're really like people are just, what do they say there?

They're very clicky and they don't talk to you, but here it's like, yeah, it's true, I realize it. They're just like, I think it is the weather, they're having finally the suns out because it's been raining for like six weeks and it's like I'm apoplectic. I'm like, when did this happen? It didn't used to be nice here, like you forget.

Yeah, yeah. No, it's good, it's fun. I'm glad you're here hanging out, but you're gonna go back to New York, you're not gonna move here. Well, I would like to do like a bicostle. I mean, that's sort of my dream. You're here hanging out, but you're going to go back to New York. You're not going to move here. Well, I, you know, I would like to do like a bicostle. I mean, that's sort of my dream, yeah. You're like a writer.

You can do that anyway. Yeah, I feel like also, since I've been here, I've like all this new content. Like I'm always writing about New York. It's always this character in my articles. It is. Yeah. And I'm like, ooh, LA is like the sexy new character that's come in and I can't wait to write about it.

And like, it's just, and everyone here so eccentric. I feel like people in more so New York is much more focused and serious. And I feel like LA is kind of wild. That's interesting. So what do you mean by that exactly? Just that people are kind of, like they're not as driven. I mean, they're driven, but not in a different way. And in a different way.

Sort of casual, like that is a sort of more of a casual open. Yeah. And just fashion-wise, like, New York gets this reputation as this, like, fashion-forward wrist-taking town, and it is, but, I mean, LA is like, I know, right? There's some freaks. Well, I mean, and I say that as a compliment, but, like, there are some wild freaks walking around

in the city. I'm just, like, I can't stop staring at people's outfits, and, like, my brother lives in Highland Park. You've been over there? Yeah, a little bit. And, like, everyone's, like, it's just like, I can't stop staring at people's outfits. And like, my brother lives in Highland Park. Have you ever been over there? Yeah, a little bit. And like, everyone's like, it's almost like, if I was a costume designer, and I was like, trying to style people as like,

LA hipsters, it's like, everyone is so perfectly unstyled. Like, their hair is messy and the tattoos, and it's just like, it's hilarious. Is it kind of like Brooklyn though, and that way, or Brooklyn's more... I think Brooklyn is like, a little still more tame. I think that was wilder. I love hearing this through other people's eyes.

So have you been like out? Are you single now? Are you dating? No, I'm in a relationship. With the woman I met? Yes, I got it. Got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's great. I thought maybe you broke up because I was reading, writing about you went through a breakup like in January. And I'm like, oh, I don't know. Yes, I did. Not in January. That, oh my god. Oh, yeah, yeah. Not in January, that was like last January. Oh, okay, got it. I thought it was 2019.

I was like, oh my god, she was so great, but then, no. Okay, got it so you guys are committed relationship. Committed really, like living together. I know. Okay, that's good. Okay, because then I thought you'd have some good sex stories for me here. Yes, of course.

But you have sex stories. But here though, in LA, you have been like sex since you've been here. I just thought you might give me some stories. Oh, yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's cool. But God knows she's got some great sex stories. I've got some great stories. Like, like enough to last a lifetime that it doesn't matter if you had any great sex last week. So, um, so we are going to get into all your amazing stories and life experiences a lot for the age of 30 that you've been through. And I love that you write with like,

out of bandin, like you really are your authentic self and share a lot and you're writing. It's great. So I'm so excited for you and all your success. And if you wanna read, we'll give all this on our website but zaraberry.com. zaraberry.com, yes. The R-I-E.

Okay, so let's do some sex in the news. Will you join me? Yes. Okay, dating burnout is totally thing. And here's how to fix it. So singles in America is a survey that match.com puts out every year. And they found that a whopping 54% of women

felt dating burnout for looking for a partner. If you ever dated, especially since the rise of dating apps, you know, exactly what that's like. Going at dates can be exhausting in the best of circumstances. So it makes sense that a good number of women are just over it because dating takes up time. It really does. I feel like, have you done the apps before?

Oh, yeah. Right? heavily. I mean, I'm the girl I'm with now, I met on Tinder. My last relationship, I met on OKCupid, the one before that, Tinder. I mean, I'm all about the app. Right.

OK. So you get this. It can be like, you can feel like it's really unproductive. I met on OkayCupid, the one before that, Tinder. I mean, I'm all about the app life. Right, okay. So you get this, and it can be like, you know, you can feel like it's really unproductive, you're going bad dates, it can be frustrating, like you feel like you're not making really good connections. And it goes on and say that dating is harder now than it's ever been. I'd like to readdress that, go back to that a minute,

but it says it's so encompassing. And whether we're looking for partner friend, lover, companion, potential co-parent, and a CEO of a potential family, kind of like we're looking for more and out, we're looking for everything, which I think is also a problem to think that one person fill all those needs.

100%. But like, whatever the case may be, it can be frustrating. So, how do you know if you've crossed an burnout territory? Well, you might have started canceling dates in the last minute, find yourself having the same conversation with dates repeatedly, or you just don't feel excited

to go out with new people. And also, your expectations in coming to play, if you just want to have a good time, but you aren't necessarily looking for something serious, you're probably not burned out. You might be annoyed that the dates are to start a separate, not burned out. But if you're looking for a relationship,

and you really want to find that person, you could be overwhelmed with the process. So there's some tips in here, like give yourself a break, like skip dating for a while and be grateful for all you have in your life and don't focus on the lack, which is kind of a life lesson

that you should practice, I think. I think everyone needs to remember relationships are all around them. It's not just the relationship with the lover, but think about your friendships and all the relationship with your family. I mean, it's so true. We put that romantic relationship, I think, unnecessarily on such a pedestal.

I absolutely agree. It's like the goal. And then once we get that relationship, we're going to be happy and everything's going to be fine. I never are. You never are. Like I always say, like, Greta is always greener on the other side of like

the couples look really happy when you're not when you're single and then. Yeah. But what was it that Chris rocks at something like either you want to be single or you want to be lonely or you make a choice of relationship. You want to be lonely or bored. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm just saying for people like you're in a relationship you're kind of bored or you're a single and you're lonely. He's like just choose lonely or bored. And I don't know that it's that's kind of the cynical version just saying for people, like, you're in a relationship, you're kind of bored or you're single and you're lonely. He's like, just choose, lonely or bored. And I don't know that it's, that's kind of the cynical version of it, but it's like wherever you're at, just kind of be happy where you're at. You're like, I mean, and look at your life

and the abundance and that, you know, they do say that when you're not looking, it seems cliche to say that we're not looking, that's when you find someone, but I do think, and you've written a lot about breakups, which we're gonna get into, but like, there's such good work you could do on yourself, like being alone, like being on your own and figuring out what you really want, because I think if that's your goal and you're looking to like check things off

the list, like you're just, you're not going to find that person, you're not going to have to be happy. And I also think when you have that obsession, like I need to find a husband or a wife right now, I think that you sort of, you repel people because you have this desperation about you and I think in our culture, desperation is the number one turn off. Yeah.

And that's why we always say, like when we're dating, like, you know, I'm in a relationship now and I feel like way more girls hit on me than when I'm single, you know, just because like I have this confidence about me because I'm not looking and I'm actually just trying to get to know people And I'm doing my own thing and I'm independent and that's sexier than when I'm at the bar And I'm on the prowl and I'm desperate and I'm sacked defeated and you know all that

Dispression what's an ugly cologne? What's that saying? Oh, I didn't for that. Yeah, desperation. Who said that is like the ugly? Look it up. I love that. I love that. I can't think of it now. I think he could. No. I mean, that's what that is. Desperation, it's like somebody.

Okay. So anyway, it's true. And I think if you can somehow embody that confidence wherever you, whenever you're out and just think like, I don't know who I'm going to meet right now. Yeah. I'm just going to be myself. But I think that for women a lot of times we're like, well, I don't want to be really going to meet right now. I'm just going to be myself. I think that for women a lot of times, I don't want to be open and flirty.

Even nice, this person starts talking because they're going to think I'm interested. But I think there's a different... It's actually good practice to start talking to people whenever you're out. You never know who you're going to meet. And yeah, just to... I don't know how to be desperate when you were raised

with this notion that like the most important thing in life is finding a partner. Like we're raised as like little girls, I guess employees too, that like that's the holy grail. Yeah. I never got that message, so that's for better for worse why I'm where I'm at, but I know that for many it's like Cinderella. I never got that message either, and I'm blown away. I feel like I've been living under a rock because I would have like 23 year olds at my job like well, I'm gonna be 25 so you know, I need to start getting serious and I'm like 25. I'm 30. I'm not ready to get married I'm not ready to have children. I'm nowhere near like I'm career focused adventure obsessed You know like that's not even on my radar that I can't believe like it blows my mind every time I hear women say that they feel like You hear that still all the time. I guess I feel like it's changing a little bit

But I think in New York in LA. It's definitely like my friends in New York and LA are not as obsessed with that But as soon as I venture out and I'm in suburbia, it's amazing Yeah, well the question I think else to do there's nothing else like where I go Michigan like everybody was definitely married by 30 Yeah, you know, and so I mean sometimes I think maybe that not that I would have stayed in Michigan There's nothing else to do. There's nothing else to do. Like where I go to Michigan, like everybody was definitely married by 30. Yeah. You know, and so I mean, sometimes I think, maybe that not that I would have stayed in Michigan, but it's a little easier. Like you kind of don't have a lot of options.

Like that's what you do if you choose to stay there. But when you're in New York, and LA and the coastal cities, maybe it's the coastal towns, coastal cities is a little different. But I do think that it's like, again, like this notion that you're just defined. So I'm like, we're not told as little girls.

I've just been thinking about the same thing. Like, maybe one day, I'll graduate from college and then I'll go break these glass ceilings. I have this great job or I have this figure job, but it's like, yeah, just get the person. So I think even if we might know that, or even we start leaving those times are different now, there's still this like, I'm broken or I'm empty if I don't find a person. Yeah. So it's like taking out that desperation. And if you're feeling like you are going back to the story,

like if you do feel like you're burnt out, then like take a break. Okay. You're not running out of time. Or just have fun with it. Like that's my whole motto. And like I love dating personally. And I've gone on terrible dates and I've gone on amazing dates. But if I'm feeling bored on the date, then I'll just have fun.

I'll start laying out my red flags, see kind of how far I can push them. I mean, it sounds a little crazy, but I love it that. Yeah, just enjoy it. Like, okay, you know, if this person is boring, at least we're at this great restaurant, I'll just have fun.

I have another glass of wine and, you know. That's so true. Like, it's almost like, that's serious. Yeah, take a job interview. Like, you say you should take any job interview, like when you're really looking for jobs. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're like, I'm not so into this person, it's serious. Yeah, take a job interview. Like, maybe say you should take any job interview like when you're really looking for jobs. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're like, I'm not so into this person.

It's a good practice. Yeah. So you like lay out your red flags? I have. I have. You know, it's the first time I did it. It was an accident. I've written about this.

I saw it. No, I've read your... Yeah, exactly. I just sort of word vomited. Like, every red flag. I was like, oh, you know, like, I had a sip of wine and I was like, oh, you know, I just started pro-zac. So I don't know how can interact with wine. And then I was like, I got, then I realized that was weird. And then I like, over laughed. And then I was

like, looking, I remember there was this weird painting behind the girl. And I was like, oh, this painting is really making my obsessive, compulsive disorder flare. I was like, really just going for it. And I couldn't stop myself. And then I realized that she was more drawn to me than usual. Just gonna say that, right? Of course. Yeah. Because it's so refreshing, people are who they are.

And the real and the authentic. And I think that's what people would know that when they see it, they're like, yeah, that's so real. Most people are just like, you know, we always say you bring your representative on your first few dates, because we're not really ourselves. But you're like, so do you found that like even now, now after that when you move people, you're more open like that? Definitely.

And now it's all the internet. That's the most freeing thing about my job is that everything I've already, I've ripped the band-aid off. I've written about the most embarrassing things that could happen to a person that when I meet people, they can just Google and find out. So I might as well just be open and feel about it. How freeing that is. It's so free.

Especially someone who grew up not that way. You know, like parents are much more. My parents are very open. My mother is a character. She's British. She's fabulous. But I'm very open about sex. But I think just in general, I grew up in Connecticut.

And it was very wealthy perfection know, sort of wasp kind of territory. And I've never naturally been that person. And I think, you know, I always felt like a little alienated because I always have been just blazingly honest that this job has just been like to actually now like make money off of just being yourself, then telling your stories and sharing your experiences. It's like very empowering. It is, it's right.

And it's such a good example, right? I think that everyone can learn from this, because I think that we're so afraid to show who we really are when we're dating or in life. And I guess we'll blow up. I could never tell my boss, and it's like, I was joking, so I'd speak, but like, and I'm not saying you should all do this,

but I could Madison and her job interview. It's so bad to say again. I love that. But it's like. It was like a deal breaker thing. But for what? Right. But it was like, you were going through something.

And like, that's real. I'm not saying you guys cry. I'm just saying, I don't know why I've said that. But Madison, she's been over three years. I'm not saying it's funny. But it's just true that we just think that we were told, and we all know what's going on with everyone else. We're supposed to present this front. That's just true that we just think that we were told, and we all know what's going on with everyone else, but we're supposed to present this front.

That's just not authentic. So the more I think examples of people doing it like you are, I don't have anything to hide on the show guys, been 11 years, I think I've said so much. And that's what I think is so refreshing about your show, is that it is so real and honest and raw. And I think that people are really hungry for that. And this filtered Instagram kind of life, you know exactly Like I do filter my pictures everywhere. I don't have filter. I do I do all of it

No, but you're so right. It's funny because I went on a date the other night with a guy and he was like I just came from doing shows. He's like, oh my god Are you like due to like exhausted like due to switch like from Emily sex with Emily to who you are now like I'm exactly the same person. I might be a little more articulate on the air because I know that people are listening. No, but I mean, I might, I don't know, just funny. I don't think I have to say certain things here and be a different person. Me, it's in the world, right? Yeah, very, very freeing.

So, okay, so to wrap this up, you're right, you said to have fun on dates is a great thing. I was also going to say that, like, think about dating is something that enhances your plans and not like makes your plans. So maybe you've already been wanting to go to the museum or go to the restaurant like bring that person along with you. If you can kind of switch your views of dating and how you date and then it's not just like a to-do list item but it's like oh well I got to go I want to go do this thing anyway. Yeah. Someone else along. So okay we are going to take a quick break and then we're going to come back and we're

going to talk more about sex and all this stuff you guys love. So thanks for listening and thanks for supporting our sponsors. We love you. We're back. Okay, everyone, I'm back. Here was Zara, Barry. And Zara, you're awesome. This is so fun.

I'm so excited because I was reading through all of your writing. Oh, you're writing? Oh, yeah. Yes, oh my god. And like, wow, it was exhilarating. It's a thrill. It's a thrill to read everything. You're like, your heart breaks and your sex capades, like I said, and break throughs.

And so, let's talk about a little bit like where you are today. Okay. So you say like you're a mascara lesbian. I'm a mascara lesbian. Yeah. I'm a mascara. Well I suppose that like a mission,

because my mother's English and for some reason, that's like the only, I can't say mascara. Like I don't, I've tried it. I've been a Midwest, like air, I say the only thing. I would try, because I get made fun of, but no, so I say mascara lesbian, but I guess it would be mascara lesbian. Right. Okay. Got it. Like lipstick lesbian. Like lipstick lesbian but I never

identified with lipstick lesbian because when I think of making out, I don't think of wearing I love lipstick but like if I'm feeling hypersexual, I wear like a nude lip because I want to make out right. Whereas it looks like a bloody scene, you know? So I identify with the mascara list. I love mascara. Right, we've great eyelashes. Thank you. It looks amazing. So as you should.

So how, what's yours, so you've always, no, you've had a whole bunch of different sexual experiences. Yes, yes, with the lots, yes. Okay, and so now you're in a committed relationship with a woman. Yes. And so what I think is interesting though is that you've gone through a lot like you, when you were younger, tell me about your like sexual when you first discovered you were.

You know what? I think I was talking about this with a friend last night. I first discovered that I was a lesbian when I was in the seventh grade and I got drunk with a bunch of my friends. Like we like stuck. when I was in the seventh grade, and I got drunk with a bunch of my friends. Like, it was like very like typical suburban dark story where like a bunch of like kids in the suburbs, like raid the liquor cabinet, and then we all ended up sort of like making out. And I remember afterwards, and giving each other hikis, we're like, let's practice kissing, and I'm pretty sure I instigated it.

But, and then afterwards, they were all laughing about it. And I remember feeling like, oh, like, this kind of meant something to me. And I could tell it didn't mean anything to them. It was just like, you know, like a friendly, you know, kids experiment with each other, whatever. But for me, it like haunted me. And I couldn't stop thinking about it. And then I like started thinking about boys. And I was like, I just, I realized that there was a disconnect. Okay. And I knew what lesbians were. I have liberal parents, I knew what they were, but I just also didn't,

there wasn't lesbians in the media at that time. There was Alan was kind of, that's like it. That's it. And I love Alan to death, but I don't necessarily identify with her. So I was like, how, I was very confused because I'm so feminine, you know.

Well, you are so, that's the thing. I feel like you're probably always getting hit on by men. Not as much as you are. I was so weird. I was so excited to meet you. I actually am so rarely around straight men. I feel like I'm always around women and gay men that when I am around straight men

and they start hitting on me, I'm bewildered. You know? But you come out and say, like, what do you do? What do you do? I sometimes I play along for a second and then I'll like go in for the kill and mention my girlfriend just because it's funny to sort of see, I mean, that sounds so funny.

There's no, but they're like, right? Like, there was like, what? Like, because they don't mean you typically don't see, mean you do, or not, wherever, but you see it, but you don't also typically, I don't know, like see, I get it. But I often will talk to straight men, you know, is if they're just like,

bros and I'll start talking. And then when they realize- They probably like you because of that though. Yeah, because you're so comfortable. Yeah. But then when they sort of connect it and they realize that I'm a lesbian, they're like, oh shit, I got freaked out.

But- And do they have, like, I can let's try to- Turn, yeah. Exactly. But like, gay guys say, well, what do you say? Like, if I went straight, I'm like, really, are you really having some of these? Like, you're not gonna go straight because of me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you guy says, well, what do you say? If I went straight, I'm like, really, are you really having some of these? Like, you're not going to go straight because of me.

And like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, you're like, this is so boring. Are you really having this conversation? OK, so you wrote about, you wrote a lot of things, but you wrote about sex myths about lesbian sex. Yes. And I think that I've been doing thousands of podcasts and stuff, but I've had gay straight,

so many of the different people on the show. But I think that like lesbian sex still really is this mystery to a lot of men and women. I mean, if they're just like confused by it and they're like, do you hate penises? Like how does it really happen? Like lesbian, Beth, uh, Bed death or, yes. What is it? Bed death.

Bed death. Bed death. Yeah. All that stuff. But let's talk about some of the myths. OK, let's see. And I think you're so right. People are fascinated by lesbian sex, because I think that we are, lesbians in general are very elusive creatures.

I think gay men are more putting themselves out there more open, but we're absolutely a little mysterious. People don't. They really, like, they're so confused. And I know it's been a while since I've had so like on the show, like, I've had lesbian gay, we don't get into it because it's like, I feel like people know, but with you,

it's like, this is what you do when you talk about it. So, like, let's shed some light for some people. Yeah, and I mean, look for a long time, I always tell people this, people would say to me when I first came out, like, what's lesbian sex? And I'd be like, I'm not telling you, but it was because I didn't know. But I was too embarrassed. And then like, like, to you on that. Yeah, girls would be like, oh'm not telling you, but it was because I didn't know. And I was too embarrassed. And then like,

I'm like, Yeah, girls would be like, Oh, like, did you have sex with her? And I'd be like, no, but I wasn't sure if I actually did because I didn't know what it was either. How do you define sex? I mean, how do you define sex?

And there's some, and like, that's the other thing, is that different lesbians define it differently. So some lesbians would say, you know, when you use a strap on, it's sex, or when you, any kind of penetration is sex, or oral sex. And Zwid say, you know, when you use a strap on, it's sex or when you, any kind of penetration is sex or oral sex.

And I just say, anytime someone has an orgasm to me, it's sex. And when I said that to my girlfriend, she was like, oh, my number just got cut in half. She went down and how many people she thought she'd slept away because she didn't define it like that. Yeah, because then you feel like, oh, orgasm, it's not orgasm, it's about the connection.

So people think it's just like, there's no, because I guess people think it's, there's no pain, well, there are not painstances, but like, you know, those or there's, there's just, I don't know, oral, I mean, what are some of the things I hear a lot are, definitely, scissorsing people are like, that doesn't happen.

For some reason, straight people are really protective of me with these kind of things. And my old editor would be like, oh, come on, people don't sizz or like, Zara isn't that stupid. People think like, lesbian, sizz or, I'm like, oh, I'm a sizzler. Yeah, right.

If you like it, then shake your legs or come in together, like, yeah. Right, yeah. I mean, I think it's complicated. It's complicated, right. Yeah. But it's not, like, not every night, like. Not every night, but like, people do.

And I think people are always like like oh, that's a porn thing But I I scissor I'm Zarbari and I say I totally okay with that so What else do I hear? Oh, yeah, but I think that people think that we're all experts on oral sex too Well, I hope you are cuz I was hoping to pick your brain. I mean I'm an expert in oral sex That's only just because I've had a lot of practice. But you know what took me a while to, first time I went down there,

like just because I have the same parts, doesn't mean, I know what I'm doing. And women, every woman's body is so different. And what she likes, I feel like with men, and my experiences with men, it's pretty straightforward what they like. Yeah. And women, it's like each woman has a different trigger point.

Some women, you know, each woman has a different trigger point. Some women, you know, like penetration, some hate penetration, and each time you get a woman in front of you, you have to figure it out. You have to figure out what she likes and listen to her body. And I've definitely had plenty of sexual experiences with women where they didn't know, you know, what they were doing. It was like being with a guy almost. Do you know? Oh, they don't know what they're doing with you. Yeah, yeah. Do you feel like we're guy almost. Do you know, oh, they don't know what they're doing with you? With, yeah, yeah. Do you feel like? We're not all great lovers, unfortunately.

Yeah. We're really not. But it can be taught. I say so, yeah. I exist here on the planet. But I feel like, um, and do you have a lot of women coming to you? Like, oh, I haven't been with any old woman. And I want to be with you. Yeah.

I get people more of, like, come to me for tips. Like, I have a lot of, like, readers that are bicurious. bicurious and you know I don't even know how to talk to a woman and that's why I try and talk about this stuff so openly because I remember being like that. Yeah you know starting out there so I we get a lot of questions like that as well so and I know you've written about this extensively too but what are some tips for women who are like Jamie he's in the other room who works when she was like just saying on the show last week that she's like, if it happened, like I might be interested. And I think there's a lot of women who just feel like

you're open about it, but they would not know where to start. So what would be some tips? I mean, I think that the best thing to do if you're bicurious is to get on Tinder, honestly. And be upfront. And just say that you are bicurious or bisexual and that you're looking to experiment but you're inexperienced because you don't want to what lesbians hate is sort of being

fooled. Like they don't want, like say they go in a date with you and then you realize, oh, you know, I'm not into this. I'm only into men. It doesn't feel good. Right. You know, just like we wouldn't like it if a guy came up shut up. He was, you know, whatever. You don't want to be in himself. Totally. You don't want to be anybody's experiment. But then there are plenty of women who are down to experiment with you. So just be open about it. Be honest. I mean, there are plenty of women who are actually, I know tons of lesbians

who are turned on by being the teacher. I'm not. Right. You know, I like someone who's more experienced than I am. Personally, I feel like I'm a leader in so many aspects of my life, sexually please. That's how I feel too. I feel like that's my yeah. I know he could use my help so much but like I help like millions of people do the podcast every I don't I don't want to teach this guy like I want him to learn I just want to be like listen to some episodes and then we'll get out again. Yeah yeah yeah yeah. I know what you mean so see what someone who's I get it. Yeah yeah yeah this is our job. Totally. I want what you mean. So see, want someone who's, I got it. Yeah, yeah. This is our job. To hold it like, I want like off time,

when I'm having sex. Let me do it. But I do think it's true, yeah, I'm trying to think about it. And I've like experimented, I've download. Yeah. And I'm trying to think of what I think I just, yeah, maybe I was a little confusing at first. But you just, yeah, I mean, you just kind of like,

be honest. Yeah, and I think. And then what you get down there. Yeah, but what did I do? I kind of remember, I was a little drunk. I mean, definitely with think down there. Yeah, but what did I do? I remember I was a little drunk. I mean, definitely with women communication. You know, women like it, like, I think, my experience, like women love when you ask them what they like.

And just, you don't have to pretend like you have it all figured out. Just be like, does this feel good? What do you like? You know, you can even say, like, I don't really know what I'm doing. Can you help me? And I think a lot of like women are into that They want to help you and also like listen to her body I feel like with men women everybody. I'm sure you feel this way

Like if she you can tell if someone's responding to you So don't get so in your head and worry about what you're doing and instead put your focus on the person Get out of your head everyone get out of your head. It was so worried about what they're thinking and how they put the information right there. Yeah. Like pay attention. Like, is your breath changing? Is she moving toward you? Wait for me. There's a lot you can tell.

Yeah. In the moment, but I think our brains are, you know, large big enemies sometimes, right? I think that's the best sex to have ever got. It's funny because my mother used to always, I was always shy growing up and she'd say, okay, if you're shy, put your energy on the other person, start asking them questions. And then I've sort of translated that to sex. Like if you're feeling self-conscious,

just instead fixate on their body. Like, are they in tune with you? Is this making them feel good? Are they moaning? And then before you know it, then you're out of your head and you're into the sort of meditation of sex, which I think is when the best sex happens,

when you're just sort of like, like when you let go, it's like dancing. Exactly, that is the best. Your body knows what to do. You know, the brain. It is the brain. The brain is, I think like so many of the questions I can answer, it's like,

I can't have an orgasm or something to do. And it's like, get out of your head, but you don't wanna totally get into trance, but there is a point where it starts to flow like dancing and you're not wearing it and it is true just like in life like you know you got to give to receive that it's a really good tip that like when you're worried it would just keep like giving

by giving I mean like asking questions or saying like what do you like and there's a lot of women though I think I hear like I don't know what I like like I don't know I don't know that's when I was like just masturbate I hear like, I don't know what I like. Gage straight up, I don't know. I don't know. That's when I was like, just masturbate like figure. How did you figure out what you liked? Did you always masturbate? You know age?

Totally from a very young age. I mean, and you know what's really funny, as I always tell people this, is that when I first masturbated, I thought that it had given me HIV. Because I knew it's such a weird stuff. It just goes to show like lack of education to people. Because I knew that one of my mom's friends had passed away from AIDS.

And I knew it was something sexual, but I didn't know what sex was. And then I figured out that masturbation was something sexual, but I couldn't, no one had ever talked to me about it. So I spent like six months in third grade, like convinced that I had HIV. Oh my God, for the world.

And that my parents were gonna like hate me because I was selfish and I had I like I couldn't resist the temptation and then finally somehow I connected the dots and it was like a huge way like I remember it I remember being like oh okay I'm fine but yeah I started masturbating young and I think it's so important I know it's the most important thing I know I we essentially for women to figure out because I think a lot of women feel like their partner are just going to figure out or just happen during sex. We just know that that doesn't.

For some women, that doesn't happen. No, and also, for me, for you, no, me neither. And for me, I always thought that sex was like, you know, even as a lesbian growing up the way I grew up, I always thought that like it was, sex really wasn't for women to be enjoyed. You know, it was about pleasing the other person. And I hear that all the time, like, and you know, you think of high school and it was like,

this girl gives great head, but you never heard rumors about like, oh, this guy is like, I'm afraid of going down on girls ever. Like, you know, I didn't even do it. They did it. You're so right. It's always about this, like,

or this slutty girl who was able to do stuff. You're absolutely right. We are not, and I'm trying even do it. They didn't know you're so right. It's always about this like, or this slutty girl who's labeled as doing stuff. You're absolutely right. We are not, and I'm trying to change that. And I'm seeing, even with young girls, I know today like 17, like high school, they're like same thing. Like it's about pleasing the partner. They don't master rate.

They don't make some feel good. So if you're young and you're listening or your parents are young children, they don't know. They're not gonna figure it out on their own. It's the same thing. And it's like horrifying, because I'm like, I really think things have changed. I really think that young women today,

a young girl, it just would be different with all the sex out there, but it's in many ways. It's not. It's about like pleasing the guy or looking good for them or putting out because of like a more, or whatever it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just not the case.

So I think, okay, I'm gonna get into more, I'm gonna make you all wait for oral sex tips because I have some specific questions for you. But there's, I found it interesting. And a lot of you're writing, like, okay, so one of the first self-help books I read, God knows like, when I moved from San, I must have had, I was there for 20 years,

like, I had like, boxes, like, maybe 300 of them I gave away. I'm like, okay, I read that. I mean, I read that, I saved all my sex books. No, I had so many of them, but one of them was like, be the person you want to find. And I've tried to remember the woman who wrote it. I can't recall, but it was such a,

it was like this boot is literally into bootism and meditation and all this stuff. And it was about like, we're always looking for someone to complete us. Like, we're attracted to people that have traits that we want to have in ourselves, or the strength, or their, I remember dating guys who were like, we're always to wanna be their writers.

They're really good public speakers. Or they just, in a lot of ways, I'm like, well, I don't have that, so I'm gonna have this person fill me up. And I didn't have the confidence in myself, or I didn't even think that it was in me already. And I feel like you've written about a lot about finding your strength, like through

relationships. Like it's kind of an adjuring for you too. Totally. I mean, I think I used to completely do that. And I love that quote, like be that person. And I used to always date people that were like sometimes writers, creative people who own their own businesses, people who are doing everything that I wanted to do with my life. But like you said, I didn't had no confidence of doing it. And then I think once you, I just think dating is such a mirror, don't you? Yeah, it is. Such a mirror in so many ways, like it's like, yeah. So I think for me, I started becoming, I think I started becoming those things when I realized that no person was ever going to like

fully satisfy me and then at the end of the day I was always stuck in this relationship with myself so I might as well make that relationship whole. Most important. But it was like a hard lesson and I still, I think we all still struggle with it. Absolutely. Like the break, because then you talk,

I'll also break up so I was like thinking about You know? Because then you talk about also breakups. I was like thinking about like how people, and I talked about this like, I think it was late last year about how I really, all you know, oftentimes it's really easy to give advice, you know, take your own advice. But I really for this, I mean, throughout my life I've done these things,

I've had breakups, but I really was like, tell people you have to, and I started to do this, but like take that time to figure out like, you can be upset about the breakup, and you can wonder like, tell people, you have to, and I started to do this, but like, take that time to figure out, like, you can be upset about the breakup and you can wonder like, what happened and why, but really like, what did I learn from it? Is it a mere, like, we all have responsibility, there's two of you, it takes two to tango. You are responsible for 50% of that relationship.

Like, even if the person was a total asshole and take that time to like, figure out who you are without a person in your life or what you can learn from every relationship. You'll just serve you so well moving on rather than just being a serial data or a serial monogamous. But I did that whole thing too. And I think that I'm jealous of people when they have breakups.

Honestly, I know it's gut wrenching, but it's like the perfect reset button for your entire life. So true. And it just like, you do the deepest work on yourself when you're heartbroken. I mean, I remember my last big heartbreak, I had like the biggest life of piphany, you know? And it just, I would have never learned that had I not been in that kind of thing.

What was your piphany? I realized how bad my self-esteem was because I had been dating somebody who was really disapproving of me. And you know, with what I do, I get, you know, I get my internet trolls, but I also have like a lot of amazing followers and readers that write me the nicest messages and I feel like they're friends almost. And I'm

like, why am I dating this person who disapproves of everything that I'm doing? And makes me, you know, feel shamed that I'm writing about sex. And that's the opposite of what I'm preaching. Like I couldn't, I couldn't figure it out. And then when we broke up, I realized that her opinion of me matched my opinion of myself. So I was constantly trying to change her opinion of me so I could really change my opinion of myself. That is really so.

Then I had to take time being single and develop that confidence. I mean, it's not perfect. I have terrible days. I struggled with so many things, but I really think had I not like the universe put that relationship there So I could really like do the deep work Yeah, I mean, I want it okay, so I want to stop with that for a moment because I really want Everyone to get this because that is such an important message that I think a lot of us are in relationships where

Our partner really doesn't make us feel that good. Yeah, and we want to change them. You should never go into a relationship thinking you're going to change someone because you're not. They won't change unless they want to. But like that are critical or that like our core, our core beliefs, the things that we believe in most, they don't approve of. Like our jobs or the way we just, whatever, the TV shows we want to watch, or the kind of friends we hang out with and it out with, and it's interesting to me that connection,

that if it's what we believe in so much, why aren't we giving ourselves, why aren't we standing, why would we even put up with that? And I think it's because we all, a lot of us have this neck, we're so hard on ourselves. So I think we all are hard on ourselves. We're all hard on ourselves. So it's almost like, yeah, it was like that X to you

was like the voice in your head. It was the voice in my head. It's not working hard enough, you're not, I can't believe you're doing set, was like the voice in your head. It was the voice in my head. You're not working hard enough. I can't believe you're doing that. Or like you could ever mix things. So it felt sort of comfortable because you beat yourself up, I beat myself up as well. It's like, well, at least someone else is doing it.

It's comfortable. It's comfortable. It's comfortable. So if you're in a relationship, this is like echoing, if this is making sense to you, it's almost like you probably have that tape in your head as well.

And that's so interesting that you were able to step outside that and that's powerful. And that's like the biggest thing what you were saying, it's like when you've been in a toxic, bad, dark relationship, you can like, it's so easy to play the victim and say, this person was just horrible and I got caught up with this bad person. I don't know why. And I did that for a while. But you really have to, the deepest question is, why did I allow myself to be treated this way? You know, why?

And you see confident women all the time letting their partners treat them terribly. And I think it's like, it's so telling of how they really feel about themselves, and it's so sad. Right, right, I think, yeah, I think that's what you could point. I see it all the time.

All the time. Yeah, I guess, and it's so, a lot of times it doesn't start out that way, or you don't know how you got into it, but it doesn't really matter. I just say you should be with someone who brings out the best in you. And you probably, well, again, you've heard these things, these words. And you think, oh, I can't find someone. No, you can find someone who celebrates all the things I had a friend who just went through

a breakup a few weeks ago. And she was like, he just doesn't see like, and I said this to her because she was like, well, he doesn't understand why I'm always looking for new jobs or new experiences and new things. I'm like, because that's who you, like that's your poor. Yeah. That's your beauty. So he's not getting this beauty that all your friends see about you.

And she was kind of like, yeah, you know, and she's been in a lot of relationships. She's not 22, but it's like, you just, sometimes you just have to keep learning these things. Yeah, I know. So you said that you've dated and you've been through a lot of different things and you talk about something that I think is really important. And that's dating with anxiety, mental illness.

Oh God. Everyone's on meds, everyone's on something. I feel like how has that been for you talking about that? And do you feel like more people are like, I'm taking ProZac as well, or I'm? I think that was actually the scariest thing to write about just because our culture stigmatizes anti-depressants and I mean, just the name mental illness.

Right, it sounds so scary to me. And I think that, you know, I hate a lot of my problems for so long. I lived in London for like a lot of my early studies. Oh, yeah, they always deals with anything there. Don't need deals with anything. Yeah. So I kind of stuffed it down and that led to like, you know,

the monsters aren't going to go away just because you want them to. So then that kind of led to like a big breakdown. And yeah, I just, I harbored so much shame around it my entire life. So I was so nervous to talk about. Inside a press conference or my experiences with having a life. So I was so nervous to talk about anti-depressants or my experiences with having a needing disorder when I was younger.

Something I still struggle with also just being on medication and how much it's helped me. I just felt like so shy to talk about these things, but as soon as I did it was like amazing. I just, I think people were hungry for it. I developed such a deeper connection. I mean, I think the reason I do what I do and I I'm sure you can relate to this, is I just want to connect with people. I love connecting with people. That's my addiction. And if I'm hiding such

a big part of my life from them, that connection isn't as deep. Right. You know, you never really have that exactly. You can. If you think you're someone knows all of you and it's authentic, if you're hiding this huge part of who you are, then you're really in like your piece missing. Yeah. And you know, dating with anxiety, I mean, I have chronic anxiety. I mean, terrible. Oh my god, who doesn't so do I?

Does anyone know? Like raise your hand. Who is not frigging anxious to? Are people, are we talking about it more? Are we just more anxious today? I don't know, but of course I make so much anxious. I can't figure it out though. Are we talking about it more? Are we just more anxious today? I don't know, but of course I make so much anxious. I can't figure it out though. Are we talking about it more?

Or is our culture just like feeding into our anxieties with social media? I think social media. I think caffeine. There wasn't a star, but I remember I was in college the first coffee shop, but it was a crazy. But it's like, I mean, it's everything. But social media, and the instantane,

like you have to get your phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This thing is like an addiction. I can't take completely. It's an addiction. I think I was going to take a stamp. I'm like, like, you have to get your phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This thing is like an addiction. I can't take completely. It's like an addiction. And he was gonna take a stamp. I'm like, no, I can't believe my phone's right in the show. Because God, look, my mom just texted me.

Yeah. Love your new TV set. Like, I need to see that during the show. That's a distraction. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're right. Social media, I don't know. Everyone's anxious.

And I just, I'd like to slow it down for people. Yeah. I'm talking about that. That's hard. It's hard. But do you, I don't know. I guess, have you, what have you found helps besides medication? Do you do?

Oh my God, so many things I found that help. I think for me, really hooking into the moment, like taking a breath, feeling my, it sounds so cheesy, but like I will literally feel my feet on the floor, take that breath and just become present, and like, like focus on our conversation, and listening to and just become present and like, like focus on our conversation and listening to you and the back and forth and then all of a sudden, like the voices in my head slow down and with dating, that's also something great to do.

Yeah, I was just gonna say just like sex. It's just like, I think also a lot of the anxiety happens before you do something, right? Yeah. Just almost like once you get in it, like it's fine. It's fine. Yeah, it's fine. So if you can just kind of in that moment, you're having the anxiety.

Yeah, like the breath is so important. We forget to breathe. Especially during sex, a lot of people forget to breathe. Yeah. I get light head and after sex all the time, and I think it's because I forget to breathe. Yeah, it helps women too with like orgasms and stuff like that. So yeah, and I think I'm also telling your partner

that you have anxiety, but speaking about like, okay, going back to orgasms, I'm going to go to orgasms and breath. So many people who have sex with women, like they don't understand that, first of all, it's not just about, not really don't they understand vaginas, but they don't understand that it's really not just about the orgasms. Other orgasms are important. And so I think I want to get into a little bit more about just, yeah, understanding women, bodies, and the work of themselves and sex.

And I know I could do, I was like, I weeked do an entire show about this, about like all sex and stuff, but I think that, like, I know you were to blog what we've written, probably a ton of blogs, about all sex, stuff and stuff. And I know that I've been talking about it a lot for like 12 years, but some things like don't get across

and when I read your blog, it was like, I always say tease, right? I'm always like, and I have like male coves, typically. Yeah, I do. And there's like, what do you mean, like men? And so it was like, what do you mean, tease? Like I don't get it. Guys like teasing animals.

Please, and you're like, I don't understand why it's such a hard concept, but it's like almost everything. I feel like the times when I'm teased and it's not like, uh, nin-nin, it's not teasing you. Like, you think it's like approaching and then pulling back and approaching. And it's such a huge part of like, it's like almost works. It's almost like the sure thing. Yeah. I mean, I think teases everything. Right. And I don't, what did you write here? Like, I copied it because I was like, I mean, I think teases everything. Right, and I don't, what did you write here? I copied it because I was like, you know, like, you wrote like then before you even get to her clip,

kiss her inner thighs, pelvic area, go slowly get into it, you know, get into it, keep teasing, you know, you can tell how excited she is up putting your finger down there, like, is she wet, like, and before you go in for the, like the kill, like breathe hot air on her, like go back to her and her thighs, like it's like this fall. Don't go right for the clitoris.

And like can't, I've said it in a really different ways, but like, what else would you add to this? I mean, surprisingly, like women's struggles, like women lovers I've had. Tell me do this, rockle with it too. They just go right in for the kill sometimes. And I'm like, it's the whole art of the tease. For me, sex is all about like make me beg for it. Like do not give

it to. I don't want something I can have easily. I'm very like female that way. Most women are. And I'm all about the like like you were just saying, like kiss around the thighs, breathe a little air, maybe do it for a second, and then go back to the thighs. So she's like tortured and tortured feel. Yeah, you can feel go back to the thigh. So she's like tortured and torture feel Yeah, you can feel when she's at that point where she's moaning and she's begging and you know Even if you think like okay, I've really let it go on for a while keep going chances are probably isn't it probably isn't yeah I always say like go five times slower than you think you should like you think you're going fast Yeah, go like slow it all down like slow it down and breathe yourself. Yeah. And like pay attention.

So what are some other, uh, I mean, it doesn't feel good when someone's just, I for instance, I, my body needs to be warmed up, right? You know, and like it doesn't feel good if somebody just goes right in for the kill. I'm not into it. I don't feel women do this to you because you feel like less than men, because I've got sex with men.

Yes. Definitely less than men, but some do, with men. Yes, definitely less than men, but some do. Especially when they're, I find that like, when they're newly out and they're really excited, and they're like, oh, girl, body, I'm so excited, like they become overwhelmed, almost like, like when you hook up with a young guy. Exactly.

And then like, girl, slow down, like, you know, I know we're excited, girls are touching each other exciting, but like calm down. If it doesn't even feel good, like, I don't know unless it's like it's scratching your own back doesn't feel as good as someone I'm trying to think of a good example when you just touch me like it's cool. It's not even I can't feel it like it doesn't Yeah, like that does not feel good when I scratch my own back if you just touch me I can't you go right down. I'm not turned on you put it in my pants. I literally feel nothing I feel nothing I go cool down there. Yeah, maybe I'm comfortable Maybe I'm hungry and I want to leave or something. Yeah, I don't even know. I'm not turned on. You put your hand in my pants. I literally feel nothing. I feel nothing. I go cold down there.

Yeah, maybe uncomfortable. I'm maybe hungry and I want to leave or something. I don't even know. I'm over it. It just doesn't even. Daydreaming, I start thinking about work, articles, what I have to do this week. I mean, it's not pleasant at all.

So I think that's the biggest thing. I also think like using your hands, I feel like I've definitely been with so many people who just go right in with the tongue. It's like, no, it's so, you have a hand. Use it. That's what they're for. That's what they're there for.

That could be so useful, right? Use it and like, and not all women, like fingers inserted necessarily, but like the label, it's not just the clitoris, if you hope you know where the clitoris is, but just like the label, like all around around they're using your fingers to like massage, like your lips and it's like, yeah. Totally.

And I also think like not only slowing down, but don't go so aggressively. You know, I think that especially men don't realize, and some women, shockingly again, some women, don't realize it's a sensitive area, you know? It's not like a penis, you know what I mean? Like, it's delicate, sensitive area, so you don't have to go so hard.

You know? I always think it's like the lighter, the soft licks or the breathing, like even almost like butterfly licks or kisses. And I think rhythmic too, like circular, like if you find a spot that's working and she's really into it and like don't move the Don't stop. Don't stop. Like those are reason why you guys on that. Yeah, we lose it so easily It's like you could the hand the finger of your slightly or the tongue of your slightly and all of a sudden

I'm like, oh, that's gone. Do you know what I mean? Oh god, do I know you find really fine? Stay. Yeah, stay there Right exactly. God, it's so chill mean it's got really fine. It's a real sad thing. Stay, yes, stay there. Right, exactly. God, it's so chill. Now, what about breast play, nipples, all that stuff? I love that. I mean, I love that. Do you feel like most women you're with like that or do you think it changes from,

I think it changes from women to women. It's interesting. I've also dated some girls in the past who feel very disconnected from their breasts, I think. Yeah. And there's actually, I've had a few partners who are much more into, like, pleasing the woman. And they've explained to me later, it's because they didn't feel that comfortable in their

woman-ness. They felt maybe a little bit more male. So if you touch their breasts or you, for instance, you know, try and penetrate them with your fingers, it feels foreign to them. Right. And they don't like it. But if you taught them to like learn to relax, I'm like, they just tried, but sometimes it's really deep rooted.

Like I've definitely tried. And I think as often as like people get older and start maturing, that becomes a little bit less. Right. But if you imagine if you grow up gay and you feel like you identify more with boys, you're very tomboyish, maybe more on the sort of butch end of the spectrum, you just don't feel connected to your womanness at all. Yeah, I get that.

And boobs are like, they're all, don't be. Yeah, because I just did a whole thing a few episodes ago. I was like, can we just talk about, just kind of breaking down like the nipples and like what feels good for women? Because I think it's confusing for a lot of people like I think so they just ignore it or people are confused and so but I personally love press and I love to have my breasts played with and I think it's sad when I think I know I know I was just having some but believe it or not. No people like bad sex like just bad Not too many but like in a row like guy who's like really like you don't like just bad, not too many, but like in a row, like guy who's like

really like you don't like you skipped right over the whole body. I thought guys love boobs. I thought you loved it. Like what part of this did you not see? Yeah. So I spent a lot of time on that on a show. I'm like listen, people. Well, there's so many sweet spots.

And I think like you should tend to those before you go to the clip, you know, before you go right into that. That was like playing like stuff. Yeah. Like around. Yeah. All of that collar bones, like next, why don't, why doesn't that kiss thing happen

as much as a child I don't understand? Like it's so sensitive for men and for women. Yeah. It's very confusing to me. I think it goes back to what you're saying. Slow down and like be present. There's no rush, right? You know, unless you're having a quickie, which is and like be present. Don't there's no rush. Right.

You know unless you're having a quickie which is a whole other thing. Right. That's fine. Everyone's fine. But not every time. Not every time. Especially not with a new partner. Like if you're, which was my experience, I'm going to share it down and I got dinner.

Okay. By myself. Okay. Let's do some emails. Okay. I just, we're going to honor. I'm against me. I got so, I was like, oh wait, I need you to help me your answering emails.

Okay, if you have a question, you want me answer on the show, I love that. Just go to sex with ummi.com, click on the Ask Emily tab, fill out the form, hit submit, so easy, check the box if you want to be called and we'll set up a call with you. You can also leave me a voice mail at 818, ask SWE1 and as always, leave me your gender, your age where you live

and how you listen to the show. Okay, ready? Hey Emily, I was in a relationship for about eight months that ended in July, which is long term for me. I usually end relationship at the three month mark. Anyway, I took a few months off to heal from the break up and I've had a few months of fun. I've started a day to get in hopes of a relationship and I can't get a good date. I've tried all the dating apps and it just seems like the guys I meet just want to know.

It seems like the guys I meet just want to get laid or they just come to the date. Super high. I've also you in California. I've also met guys in person and just asked them out, but I just can't seem to connect with someone. Am I doing something wrong? Do you think it's just bad luck? How can I open myself up to connecting better or how can I make sure I got with guys

who are looking for a relationship? Haley age 26, Texas. That's a very relatable question. I think that we've all been in that place where like, what am I doing wrong? Like is everybody just not interested or does everybody suck or whatever it is that I think also since dating right now, I guess I mean I never went back to that from that article. Like is it the hardest time?

Is it more complicated now than ever? I think it's all relative. I think people, whenever you're single, you think it's complicated. But perhaps now with all the options and online dating and people delaying marriage, so you're dating for a lot longer. It is challenging right now. So I just think it takes practice because it sounds like the guy she's going out with it, I think of what about vetting people before you date?

What's your experience with finding some more suitable mates when you're dating or people that are better matches? Well, I think the apps are not a good way to go when you're looking for something serious. Even though I met my girlfriend on Tinder, when I met her, I was actually like, we were like, oh, let's just be like hook up buddies, but it didn't work out like that. But I think that the websites are better. Like I think okay, Cupid or like e-harmony or match tend to drawing people that are more serious. I think especially e-harmony and match because I think when you have to pay a little bit,

you're investing in wanting to find someone, so it's going to be people who are looking for something deeper. That's a great point. That's a really good, and I still hear that today, people who, I think people think that's done or I should be just swiping, but I'm so glad you brought that up because. Definitely. I mean, I went on OKCupid a few years ago just because I was so I've new Tinder was like that it was just people looking for hookups or you know and I found like people who were more mature and looking for

relationships but I also think you're not doing anything wrong it's just really hard to connect with someone right it's really hard to meet someone that is authentic that you connect with and I think the more complex and interesting and multifaceted you are, the harder it is to meet someone. Absolutely. So give your, I think it sounds, you're asking yourself like,

what am I doing wrong? Probably nothing girl. Yeah. It's probably them. You just are not finding someone you're connecting with because you're super cool and you're living your life and you're doing a million things. And instead of getting upset about it, A, when you go on a bad date, just think of like,

what a good story it's going to be. Just tell me you're on Prozac and you're OCD or something. Tell them Prozac, tell them you're OCD, which is like, not bad. Massive with our heads. Do what I do. And maybe start a funny blog or email chain with your friends where you guys all tell like your horrific dating experiences. Don't take it so seriously.

Instead of looking for someone too, you're 26. This is such a good time in your life. Maybe channel that energy into doing something completely awesome. Right, exactly. Exactly. Yeah, and when you're doing that awesome thing, like let's say you're looking for a new career, you're looking to awesome thing, like, like, let's say you're looking for a new career, you're looking to like, you know,

Galey grow in your profession, like, there's things you could do, or like, start a new hobby. I mean, hobbies. Like, take a class, do something like that. A lot of the hobbies, I always say that. I don't even have hobbies anymore. I feel like no one, I had that breakdown,

like a few months ago, I was like, do I not, I'll never have work or go out. Like, I don't have hobbies, but then I thought when I was little, like, what did I love to do? Like, I love to draw, not because I was like, do why not? I'll never have work or go out. Like, I don't have hobbies, but then I thought when I was little, like, what did I love to do? Like, I love to draw, not because I was like good and wanted to be professional, but because I gave me joy. Right.

Or I like to, like, go to an acting class, or like an improv class. Like, what did you like to do? Like, wine tasting. Or like, that kind of thing. They could do so many different things like that, that you're exactly. Book clubs.

I mean, I just, I just actually joined like a feminist book club. I love it. it's so fun. We get together with wine. We read a different feminist book like we talk shit. We break it down. We all get emotional. And it's like, find a book club.

Honestly, that's a great, that's a great suggestion. And like find your, tell your friends also, let people know that you're single. I always say like, if you let everyone know, like just be like, hey, if you know any good people, because they might not know in that moment, but they might meet someone you never know. So my questions for you quick is our, what about vetting people before you went on dates? Did you ever like not just Google like track course? Of course we do that. But like do you have like, FaceTime then before, or doing something like that?

You know what, I am so oddly, not in these kind of situations, but I'm so shy, especially when it comes to talking on the phone or FaceTime, that that to me seems terrifying. I'm better in person. I think I dated somebody. It was like a weird, long, distant, okay, cupid flirtation.

And we FaceTimeed a few times, but then I realized that was just like me projecting, like I was going for someone who lived far away because I had to project my fantasies on to them. But I don't know, what do you think about that? Yeah, I don't know. I've been thinking about it lately, because my time is so precious.

I don't want to waste a night, even in an hour driving across town and getting ready. For someone I don't like. And my friend was like, I always face time. I've just been, I don't know. I have a lot on that many dates. I know, I was like, I always face him. I've just been, I don't know. I haven't learned that much in a day.

I know, I was like, you would kind of like have that moment of like maybe knowing or hearing, even talking on the phone. Yeah. I feel like talking, even just talking for like two minutes and just hearing like, can you put sentences together? Is there a connection? Yeah.

Although some people give bad phone. So I just think it's another layer maybe from not having so many bad dates. I mean, I think I do vet people with like, I'll try and go like, do we have even texting chemistry? I think you can feel what their sense of humor is and you know, like maybe when you're texting and you're planning on meeting up, go a little bit deeper and ask them, you know, like a more serious question or maybe like ask them what they like to do or like, you know, citing like that, that's going to be really revealing. Right. You know, exactly. If you to do or like, you know, citing like that that's gonna be really revealing.

Right, you know? So if you're phone phobic like me and most millennials, they are right. Yeah, I would definitely like. You can't look at what? I know, it's calling. You died. Terrible.

Right, I got it. Yeah, that's a good one. I think, Haley, you've got this. So like, just don't be hard on yourself. It's true, your 20s. Think about it is like, it's a fun, it's an experience right now. Like it's not looking for the one and the relationship

and you just had eight-month relationship. Like, it's pretty good. Like, just see if you can have experiences with people. Yes, and each bad date is gonna bring you closer and closer and closer to finding like a cool person. That's what I've noticed. Anytime I got upset about like, somebody not liking me back, it always ended up like I found something so much better.

And I realized like, thank God it didn't work out with that person. Absolutely. OK, we've got one more. Hey, Emily, I recently discovered your podcast on Spotify and instantly got hooked. My confidence in my sexuality has skyrocketed. My question for you is this, how do you initiate casual sex

with someone without it coming across too forward? I've only ever had sex with my ex-boyfriend. We broke up a year ago, some inexperience in terms of sleeping around. I've dated around and decided a relationship is not what I want now because I have a lot of jealousy issues that came up in my last relationship. So I'm looking for something with no strings attached. I like the idea of having sex casually so I can learn what I like. I've been speaking with a few guys that I've known

for years and they seem interested, but I don't know how to start off the conversation about starting to have casual sex. It's been a long time since the last time I sexed some little shy in that area, any advice we appreciated, Lydia 18 Manchester, England. So yeah, so she just wants to have casual relationships.

Lydia, you're looking for casual relationships and want to know how to start it with people. I think you're going to meet up with them and they'll just kind of happen, right? Yeah, I mean, I have definitely been in that place where I'm like, you know what? I don't want to catch feelings and I need to work on myself. That's really cool.

I mean, you realize you have jealousy issues and you don't want to carry that baggage into your next relationship. So like, good on you for that. But I think it's okay to sort of like you're saying, meet up with them and be honest. See that, yeah, be honest. Be honest, yeah.

I'd be so happy to know. Probably they're attracted to you too. Yeah. I don't know. And if not, maybe they, you know, you go out with the group people too. Like that could be helpful too. Like meet up with a bunch of friends

and then start to practice. Like I think it's more of with a group of people too. Like that could be helpful too, like meet up with a bunch of friends and then start to practice. Like I think it's more of like a flirting and being open. I think for a lot of women and men, we kind of shut down our sexual energy. We put out there and you can be flirting with people that you don't actually even want to have sex with. You mean, you gotta start with everyone too. I flirt with everyone too.

I feel like I've gotten less flirting. Like not, it wasn't even a conscious thing, but I feel like that was my thing for so long that whenever I dated someone, they're like, you flirt with everybody, you're so flirting. And maybe I just, LA is different, or my life has changed, but I think it's, it was never, because I was just who I am.

I think she's your friend. I think it's a flirty. So I think if you're just, these are your friends, you can go out with them. I think you might be overthinking it, because if you, Lydia, because I feel like, if you just go hang out with these guys That you've been friends with and it sounds like they were a little bit interested. I think

You just start talking to them when you're out and you know I say don't like hey, what do you think about that like broke up my boyfriend like yeah things be kind of fun to like kind of Hang out more like I'm not looking for anything serious But I feel like I've this chemistry. I always think what making out with you. Yeah, you know I'm excited I'm not that so happy. I like your guys' dream to hear, you know? Like the biggest dream, like that's always ever one video I give.

I like your, you have to be careful in the sense that any time I've tried to do this is when people end up liking you. You know what I mean? I think especially with men. The second, you're like, I don't want anything serious. Let's just like, you know, be like friends with benefits. Oh yeah, yeah, that's cool. And then like, they, because everyone's drawn to that unattainable energy.

So just be aware of that. You can't have exactly. Be aware of that. I feel like that was, yeah, that was the main thing. And I was not even, like I truly, I never really did want anything serious. No, yeah. For so long. And my friends are like, why do all these guys like, why do they like you?

I'm like, I'm being honest. I really didn't get it, but it is kind of true, we want one we can't have. But also the thing is with that was just, so yeah, look out for that, but also the thing with friends with benefits is that yeah, eventually someone's gonna, I mean, it's great when it works.

Yeah. And it will work for a while until somebody wants more. Yeah. Oh, he's an expression date. So Lydia, be careful of that because you've jealousy. Let's just talk about this for a second. Yeah, always an expression date. So, uh, Liddy, be careful of that because you've jealousy. Let's just talk about this for a second. Yeah.

This FWB thing if you have jealousy's not might not be so easy for you. Yeah. So gonna rear it head if you, uh, I mean, it's hard for me, you know, like if I'm sleeping with someone I don't want them. Even if I say, oh, you can go sleep with other people. if I find out that you are I I can't handle it Right so like it just love me like how could you yeah, I'm not enough, you know exactly God we so hard we all know the answers, but we also are going the same thing so we are one. Yeah, thank you Zara This is so fun. I love it. Thank you for being here and how can everyone find you? Well, Zara Berrycom is my website. You can find all of my articles, except for the ones

that are deeply ashamed of that are really bad. I spared you guys from. So I write a lot for Elite Daily. I also write for Go Magazine, which is a lesbian magazine. It's really cool. And you can find me on Instagram, zarbarry, Twittery, Twitter at Factory Girli Girl and Facebook Zarbari Words.

Awesome. And we'll have all this on our website. And thank you so much for listening. And thank you everyone for listening. Also thank you to Madison and Eddie and Michael and Laurie and Jamie and Ken and my amazing team and my amazing listeners. I love you all. Thanks so much for listening.

Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com. you