Sex With Emily - How to be a Penis Genius with Dr. Sadie Allison

Episode Date: February 16, 2018

On today’s show, Emily is joined by sex educator and author, Dr. Sadie Allison, and the two go deep into all things sex – because what else would two sexperts do? The two talk about the fine lines between sexual pleasure and pain, specific tips for clitoral foreplay and the lost art of the handjob, how to really talk to your kids about sex and masturbation, why slow, sensual touch is so arousing and how to work with your body to have a more satisfying and orgasmic life. Plus, they reveal the number one thing men crave in bed and it may not be what you think. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: We-Vibe, Promescent, JO Jellies, Womanizer Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm joined by Sex Educator author and longtime friend, Dr. Sadie Allison. We cover all your sex and relationship questions, and we're going deep. Because what else would two sex experts do? Topics include discovering the ins and outs of backdoor play and the fine line between pleasure and pain. Why slow, sensual sex is so arousing. Grounded advice for answering your children's sex questions are number one tip for literal foreplay

and how to work with your body to welcome more orgasms into your life. All this and more, thanks for listening. I'm gonna get obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized, they call them in a fight on me. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kinda cute. The girls gotta have her standards.

Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, but only? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I want to here. So, I'm going.

Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithamely.com. You can check out our website, our amazing blogs, and all of our sex and relationship advice. And follow me on social media. Because I love seeing you there and hearing from you.

And we just did 14 videos leading up to Valentine's Day that you could actually use any time of year. And I think you will. You guys have really enjoyed those. So it's all at sex with Emily on Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, and Twitter. So please follow me there because it's a good time. Oh, one more thing I want to mention to you guys is it really helps when you guys review app chat and Twitter. So please follow me there, cause it's a good time. Oh, one more thing I want to mention to you guys is,

it really helps when you guys review the show. And I know you guys listen to it and you enjoy the show and you're already there on your phone. So whatever app you use to listen to podcasts, if you would just review us and go in there, we read them all, I love getting your feedback. We so appreciate it when you take like two seconds out of your day to do this.

Okay, I hope you enjoyed today's show with Dr. Sadie Allison. She's amazing. We met way back when I first started and it's going to be a great show. So thanks for listening. I'm excited to welcome my guest Dr. Sadie Allison. She is a America's pleasure coach, a sexologist, a sex educator, a dear friend of mine, and she's the founder of TickleKitty.com, a website, a pleasure boutique, and she's the author, ticklekitty.com, a website, a pleasure boutique, and she's the author of some of my favorite sex books. I've talked about them on the show and I'm just so glad that you're here again. You've been on the show. I think it's my third or fourth time. Yeah, you were on the show in like 2006, early on, and then like a few years ago, and she wrote

the infamous tickle, his pickle, your hands on guide to penis pleasing. And I always cite this book because I love all the different, I mean, there's like, who knew there was like 50 ways to touch the penis, right? And it really gets into it. And her new book is the mystery of the undercover clitoris. And she is two other books, tickle your fancy, tickle my touch. And they're so, I love that they're so digestible and easy to read and great gifts. And I don't think any man should exist without reading the new one under all of them actually undercover Clitoris. So welcome to the show, Sadie. It's so good to see you. I'm so happy to be here again. Oh, it's fun. And she's also at Dr. Sadie Allison, Instagram, Facebook Pinterest and at Tikka. Okay, what is going on with you? I am telling me everything. Gosh. No, we've been on the our national tour for Valentine's Day, just spreading the love, spreading the

knowledge, encouraging people to actually let go of all the pressure that people have around Valentine's Day, the expense of dinners, the flowers of chocolates, let all the traditional stuff go and get authentic. I hate it. And get into the mindset of what your lover might really want. It sometimes it doesn't even cost any money. Exactly. I love this. So now that Valentine's Day has passed, though,

and I thank you for stopping by on your tour, what are some things from that, from what you've been talking about, Lily, that got you excited on the tour, that Valentine's Day passed, but what could they learn from that? Because I think stress-free talking about sex and... Right, you know, like we all say, you know,

it's the day of love, and every day should be like Valentine's Day, but really that's unrealistic to say that we're going to have great sex every day. But I always suggest for women especially because so many grow up with a lot of shame and guilt and negative sexual messaging unfortunately to just like use this time to just let that go create a new space for yourself and say you know what I'm going to open up, I'm going to have an open mind, I'm gonna try some new things.

Cause I hear that all the time from guys, they're like, you know, I wish my woman would just open up and let me do this to her or let me go down on her, whatever it might be. And so like, instead of going out from expensive dinner, I'm talking about just changing your love life around. And I have some tips on my blog, it's the New Year's Resolution Program.

Oh, tell me. And so people say, well, what is that? And it's like, well, instead of making your New Year's resolutions, like we do, you know, December 31st, take this time in February to say, you know what, I'm gonna make some resolutions that in the next 12 months,

I'm gonna make these kind of changes and turn my love life around. And one of the things that's easy to do that's not even in the bedroom is focusing on your health because you've got your mental health, but they're also physically. So if you're not feeling good in your body, it's easy to not want to take off your clothes and feel good in the bedroom. Right. So easy enough, start walking, do something that makes sense in your life to make you feel

better. Eating is another big thing, and again, this isn't even sexual, but just taking care of you and your spirit and your soul, that's gonna help you open up in the bedroom, too. Right, it's so nut, because when people do, we heard those questions all the time that why won't my partner do this or that,

that's most of the questions are around, how do I get my partner to do blank, or why can't this happen? And a lot of it does go back to, like you were saying, we have so much trauma and so much shame around sex. And I'm wondering since we've been, you know, you and I both been doing this a while a long time. And so do you feel that that's changing it all, the sense of that where people are more open to hearing about it, or what do you still see the challenges are around that?

Yeah, I feel that in today's world it's lovely to see I think women are coming through now, like they're much more empowered and this when the internet came about and everyone was able to actually talk to each other and find out, hey, I'm not the only one or she's doing that, I want to do that too. So women are much more empowered in today's world and especially our millennials because they have so much information that we didn't have growing up right on in the palm of their hands. So people are open to sex toys now.

Guys are open, more open to sex toys. Thank God. Yeah. And you know, I even tell men, you know, they ask me all the time, how do I get my girlfriend and my wife to have more sex with me? And I say, well, let's take a step back. And let's talk about being a generous lover. That's one of my quotes I love, be a generous lover.

And I say, what are you doing with her in the bedroom? Are you focusing on her pleasure? Tewa, she's even going to want to have sex with you. Are you really focusing on her pleasure? So I recommend all guys to have one way pleasure sessions. So take 20 minutes where you take turns. And so it's not about you or your penis. He's going to be happy by the end of the evening.

So focus on your girl and what she needs. Take your time because when you do that and you're able to please her, that's when you get it back 10 fold. Exactly. And it's such good advice because I think that guys just don't realize that, I mean, yes, we're talking about foreplay and boring, you know, the way we all get a rose differently. But also it's just the women are not incentivized, if you will. Like, why would I want to say to you,

I don't have orgasms all the time, you walk in with your erection and ready to go, and I'm sitting here doing a million other things, so I love that. So like, and then it takes their pressure off, like, because a lot of women too, we're pleasers. So sometimes without speaking of this specific time which I love that idea, one might be thinking yeah he's going down

to me but he's going to want to blow jump next. So her mind can't get into even receiving pleasure. Right. And the one thing guys really need to understand is like we talk about four play and 20 minutes is great to get warmed up. But we really, we love four play, it feels great but we have to have it because like you were saying, the wind blows, you're ready to go. Guys, you know, they're programmed from a primal standpoint to pro create and have sex. So they're ready. We need to be warmed up just to even match where you guys are starting. And that's why there's so much of a mismatch

in there because when he's finished, she's just getting to a point where she's like, okay, I'm now I'm warmed up, I'm ready, and he's already falling asleep. Exactly. So if you get her warmed up for 20 minutes, so she's got blood flow to her genitals, she's getting excited, give her an orgasm or two, before you even go for the gold.

Right, exactly. Right, then you guys can be on the same page. Yeah, she comes first, you know? For I think like, like, in corners of my brain, your book I love because this undercover clitoris, I just thumbed through it, if you will. And I just, I think you would love, it is a technique. But what I love about this is that if guys are thinking,

well, 20 minutes, what am I gonna do? Like this is to give such great, very specific tips, lovely pictures of the vulva. Any finger movements. It is a lovely place. Yeah, so I think what you get in there, you know, what about guys who are like, ah, 20 minutes, we don't have it,

we have kids, we're super busy. How do you have 20 minutes every time? I mean, a quickie's okay, sometimes. Which, but we need to make the time. Yeah, you gotta make the time, it's that important, it's her pleasure. And if you really wanna please, you have to do it. So the question you just mentioned,

I get that a lot about men, but what about the women who are like, I have that a lot about men, but what about the women who are like, I have a low libido, I'm never in the mood for sex. What do I do to even get in the mood? And a lot of times I think it's not even that you've a low libido, you just don't understand a rousal desire and really how to get yourself turned on because sometimes women who are just out of the game, whether they're not thinking about sex, they're not masturbating, they're not touching, they're not having a right time to have a mind.

And then sex comes along and they're like, what? So what do you recommend to be more embodied? Right. I think both people have to take responsibility for that. Like you were saying, she owes it to herself to do some of it, whether it be wearing a new pair of sexy panties that morning, or masturbating and kind of getting yourself in the mood, taking long showers and playing music that you like, and doing things like that that make you feel sexy. And then also guys still need to understand that she needs a little help and he's got

to take her time like we were just talking. So really for people to come together, it's understanding each other and communicating. You know, as I think you've said this too, communication is lubrication. Yes, yes it is. And women, you know, our biggest sex organs are our brains. And so if men can understand that, and it's just the little things, like for example, if he got up one morning and got the kids off to school for her, or went down to the corner and got her her favorite cup of coffee and brought that back,

those little things that a man can do, that's going to get her juices flowing. More than you realize. Exactly, they don't understand it, right? I mean, that's all so true. Those little things and communicate about it. What do you think it is, oh, I coupled as much as I've been saying this, and you've been saying this for years, why do you think it's so goddamn hard for couples to even talk about sex?

People weren't role model. When you think about like baby boomers and having parents that came from generations where we may have grown up, not seeing our parents communicate at all, that gets passed down. So if someone's got to be the champion in the relationship and make that happen, and I even suggest for guys, like when it comes to oral sex or touching a clitoris, like I have in the undercover clitoris book, open up the dialogue for her. Because women, we can be really shy, intimidated, don't want to hurt his feelings, all those things.

So if you're touching her clitoris and you were proactive and said, honey, how does that feel? Do you want me to go slower, faster to the left, to the right, and give her easy, yes, no questions. Right. Because if you say, how does it feel, she might just say, good, I find it's great. It's good.

It's fine. Oh, fake orgasm now. So really care about her pleasure and make it easy for her because you can help her. And we looked to our partners to help us feel safe and comfortable. So I encourage guys to kind of put yourself in her shoes and make her feel comfortable, make it easy for her to open up. Yeah, so true.

Sadie, what do you think has changed in the last 15 years with sex? Well, we've been in itie, what do you think has changed in the last, let's say, 15 years with sex? Well, we've been in it. So what do you feel? People open up. Sex, relationships, all of a sudden. But now there's so many subsets. You know, there's the pansexual and the asexual

and the gender fluid. And it's almost too overwhelming. Like, even our teenage daughter comes home from school and feels like she needs to identify with one and like say that she's something because of the pure pressure at school. Even though she came on one day and she said, I think I'm pansexual.

And I said, well, actually, you're nothing sexual right now. Right. You're a nonsexual. You will be a nonsexual. You are nonsexual. She's 13. She's 14. OK.

Almost 15. And it's cool, though, because the kids are so open and they've got so much more knowledge She's 14. She's 13. She's 14. Okay. Almost 15. And it's cool though, because the kids are so open and they've got so much more knowledge and they can, for the ones that do want to identify, know where they are, that's great. And they can bond with others. But I think because sexuality and the internet and everything, so polyamory, it's so big now. Right?

And I think it can be confusing for the younger kids. I'm so good. Yeah, absolutely. But when did you start talking about it? How did you, what have you found that's useful? Well, as early as they start asking questions, which is, you know, six or seven, you know, they're hearing stuff at school or they're seeing stuff. And you know, the average age that a kid sees

poor now is 11, whether it's on their phone or one of their friends' devices. So I'm having conversations with them. As soon as I'm learning that things are coming up and they're asking good questions too. What are they asking? I tell them I'm surprised you. Gosh, well, this is what's more silly,

but my 11 year old said, Mommy, what's a slut? And I said, well, that's kind of a girl that sleeps around with a lot of guys. She goes, well, isn't that a hoe? I'm like, well, actually, yes, they're kind of the same. Right. You get to do like slut shaming and how like slip sound even really like, I don't know, a thing.

But I get it. So that's a perfect thing. But what I do is whenever they ask a question like that, and it usually has a negative connotation, that kind of thing, I always give them the other perspective. Because they're going to continue learning things and hearing things from their friends. So I always want to interject so they have a good perspective that a whole different way

to see it. So she taught me about the slut thing. I said and actually see that that's something that women do but it's not always a bad thing like it might seem as school. It's okay to embrace your sexuality in a song you're having protected, safe sex, then it can be fine for people. It doesn't have to be a negative. So I kind of always do the other spin so they have all the information.

Right. And then she'll decide what she's gonna do, but I wanna make sure that she has that information. Yeah, what about masturbation? I know you know we still don't teach pleasure in schools, we don't talk about it. Do you talk to her about masturbation? Oh yeah, she talked to me about masturbation.

She did? Yeah, so she she talked to me about masturbation. She did? Yeah, so she started when she was seven or eight, and I'll let everyone know that it's normal for young kids to masturbate. They don't shame them or blame that. They don't be calling into the show in 10 years, right? I think, okay. They don't know that it's sexual.

They just know that it feels good. So I say, honey, I saw her on the living room couch doing it. I'm like, oh, Kate, so I'm going to talk. So I walk in there and I'm like, okay, it's time to get the talk. So I walk in there and I explain, you know, what you were just doing, I know that feels good. Mommy has that spot too, and I do it as well, but I want you to know that it's something that's very private. So you only want to do that in your bedroom when you're at home, never anywhere else.

And I also say, if anyone ever talks to you about that or asks you about that or wants to do that for you, especially grown up, you need to tell mommy right away because that's inappropriate. So I want to let them know just that there's other things out there to really understand, even though she, you know, and I reiterate that every year because I want her to understand that it's OK, it's safe, and no one else should be involved.

You know what I love about that, Sadie? Is that I feel like people of our generation were like, oh, yeah, my parents had the sex talk, and it was a talk, and it was once, maybe. And the parents think they have it covered, but you're like, it's ongoing. If you do say it every day, every year, every month, that's how we learn, too.

And the rule of thumb is you give age appropriate responses. And each year it's going to get deeper and more information. So my oldest daughter, I learned that she had seen some anal sex on some porn on someone's phone. And so I knew right then and there, as soon as I got that information that I wanted to, again, give her the other perspective on what that really is. So I explained what adult entertainment is

and that that is a good thing too, but it's for grownups and it's for a certain thing. And then I also went on to explain that that is a good thing too, but it's for grown-ups and it's for a certain thing. And then I also went to on to explain that that is another erogenous zone and that's something that grown-ups do. And there's a lot of things you would need to know that are precautions on how to do that and we can talk about that later. But I kind of respond to whatever I'm learning, she's learnings. And which is why you have to have conversations to pry it out of them to you. Right. Because they don't always give it up. No, that's so true. That's really good way to think about it. You got to ask the questions. Right. It's really disurvising your kids if you're not asking those questions. Because if you don't tell them, they're going to learn it from their friends or porn.

What do you think is the most misunderstood thing about the clutter? So what do you think people really could get from this that they don't know? Well, it's really just going slow and gentle. Here's an analogy. A lot of guys are heavy-handed. They might be used to touching themselves, which can be a lot firmer, stronger, and faster than what a clitoris wants. And if they're not communicating with their lovers, or she's too shy to be telling him, you're kind of missing it every time.

A lot of girls that tell me that they don't like oral sex, for example. Yeah, let's talk about those. I'm really surprised, but I know some of them say, well, he's just doesn't do it right, and I keep trying to tell him he doesn't. So I just tell him, I don't like it and don't bother. But really, he's not doing it right. So that's why I wrote the mystery of the undercover clitoris to give guys all the real inside scoop that she's not telling you.

And here's a good analogy. Yeah. When you go to touch a clitoris, you want to start so soft. So guys, if you had an eyelash stuck in your eyeball and you went to go and rub it out, how gently would you be touching your eyeball? Hmm. Pretty darn soft. Yeah. Every time I tell that to a guy, they're like, oh, like that.

Yes. Like that. Right. That's a great way to say, I would say go five times slower. That is a great analogy. That's good. No, that's awesome great way to say, I would say go five times slower. That is a great analogy. That's good. No, that's awesome because it's like, so go slow.

And then communicate from there some women will like it faster and harder, of course. But start there, it's a sure way to slow. Okay, so what about the penis book? So what's the, let's talk about some things about the penis that are misunderstood in here, because I learned a lot from this. I think everyone can. Hand job extras, literally 35 ways to give a hand job. And more job.

No, like, right, that's just one page. That's just one page. It's just one page of a hand tips. I use the, I can try to remember the twister of names. I've read this on the show. I've read this on the show. It's been a while. That's awesome.

I tell people to read it in their best English accent out loud. Why don't you try that? Can you do that? Oh, God. What's your, pick a out loud. Why don't you try that? Can you do that? What's your pick a European accent? I don't have a great Anyway people at home makes it fun. Just a few more pointers. We'll go good How into a virtuoso performance a sensitive guy just like you may be ultra sensitive to direct little stimulation He might squirm from over stimulation of his head see how he reacts Squam. Uncircumstead. So tell me where, what don't we stuff? Thank you. Nice.

You can be an actress. For skin, how to? Oh, this is it. Okay, this is the two handed hand jobs, the double twister. Same as the twister, which is above, but two is both hands. Now, twist together in one direction, then back again, just glide smoothly over his camera. But I just the cigar roller and they work. They do work. Like, I remember this was years ago when I read, I think it was that, Articles Fancy, I read something on your box and I probably told you this, it was like 2004, it was before we met. And I gave a guy I'd been dating like a year, a blowjob. And I think I like to fancy myself that I'm pretty good. And I did something that I'd been dating like a year, a blowjob. And I think I like to fancy myself that I'm pretty good

and I did something that I just read in here and he was like, and he was like, amazing. What'd you just do? I can't what it was at this moment. I know, dude, I should've never. But like, at least you know what's in there. It's in the book, but what I'm saying is it was like, something very, maybe it was like the hand,

like the perineum or the finger. It was something that I hadn't done. It could've been like, I might have put my fingers on this printing. I'm going to be like, whoa, I don't think I'd ever known to do that. Yeah, because men's prostate glands are right in the middle above where the taint is, the pruning.

So just to reiterate where that is, is this landscape between the base of his balls and the butt hole. Right. Taint the balls. Taint the balls. Exactly. Same for women. There's that little landscape. Same thing. So if you're giving a blowjob and you use your other hand, in the butthole. Right, take the balls. Take the balls. Exactly. Same for women.

There's that little landscape, the same thing. So if you're giving a blowjob and you use your other hand, because your other hand is stroking as well, so you use the free hand to push up and you want to put a good amount of pressure more than you might think. Like a few fingers. Push up. And that way you're putting pressure on more stimulation for him while you're giving the blowjob.

And here's a lot of women that don't learn how to give them because we don't get taught in school how to give and receive pleasure. No. I mean, it's one thing to give, but also to feel comfortable receiving. Right. So, that's why I even wrote the books is, you know, step-by-step guides, really easy to read, bullet points, lots of drawings. But the one thing that a lot of women don't realize is to use your hands.

Right. It sounds so simple, but a lot of women think it's all about the blow job, but that's your mouth. Exactly. And that's porn. I'm like, no, no, your hand is your best friend when it comes to a blow job. You don't need to do all the deep-throating in its own ear mouth, and that's why you're getting tired.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So there's the techniques that are important, but there's also the number one thing that one is enthusiasm. Dissolve. They say that much rather have a girl giving a blow job that's into it and trying to please him, then a porn star that can finish him off in a minute. Right.

Now how do you describe into it? Because I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was saying it, but I know that you have, like, how would you describe enthusiasm? Like, what a woman was she going, well, I'm into it. How do you describe enthusiasm? Physiasm. Physiasm is using all of the things that you can, okay? So the first of, is your position.

So if he's laying down and you get into a position where he can see the round of your back and your ass, so if you're on your hands and knees, turn yourself sideways and kind of shift yourself so he can see your body. Exactly. Because visual. The other one is to use a lot of spit and sound is great. The sound of sex and sucking and licking and sloppiness, guys like that too.

The sound of you moaning, right? And even pausing to say something sexy. I love how you taste. Oh my god, your cock is so big. You know? Right, right. Shall we go on? Yes, we should.

I'm looking at my man over here right now. I know he's like, yeah, I know it's a nice baby. So things like that eye contact is another one and it's okay to pause because if you're like going at it And he's like almost there and you stop that's edging right get in a close that's a tease So showing your enthusiasm to do those kind of things that you know can even make it even better for him Those are such good tips. Okay, what about good tips for? Kind of like us.

First, some of your favorite, if you're guys, if they don't really know the landscape. Okay, well, first of all, you don't want to go just right to the clitoris. Like, it's can be shocking and surprising. Like, hey, whoa, whoa, hey, like glide up the inner thigh with your fingers to the areas. The tease is so important.

That could be a party for a play. That could be a few minutes off your foreplay. You should try to look at the clock. Don't forget to make out. You need to women like that sensuality, the caressing, the sweetness. So if you look into her eyes, kiss her a little bit, and then as your hand is sliding down at the same time

while your French kissing her, that'll get her wet real quick. Yes, the kiss. Someone's like, bring back the kiss. I'm kidding. Harning now, you're asking me all these great questions that'll get her wet real quick. Yes, the kiss. I'm almost like bringing back the kiss. I'm getting horny now. You're asking me all these great questions that I can't usually talk about. I don't know that they're here.

Oh, you can't because you've been doing radio. You're reading, yeah. Yeah, yeah. We got no rules. I have to speak in code all the time. I know, right. It's like the pleasure buttons. And go round the back door.

The back door. I know anal sex. Exactly. That's what we do in the town. Any other ways can we say anal sex? Back door, buzzer, Emily. I could say it. You can say it, maybe. You can say whatever you want. It's interesting how anal becomes such a thing.

Like, I feel like when I was going up, it wasn't really a thing. And now anal is everything. We're going to answer some questions about anal shortly. So, but don't you feel that that's been kind of the main thing that's been is. Yeah. And when I was in high school, blow jobs were the big deal. Now, anal sex is like an easy thing to just well, especially girls wanting to save their virginity. It's like no big deal. It's like no big deal. Yeah. Can we, I mean, so wrong for women to like think that's going to be like a lesser of an evil if they're thinking

evil to have sex with or giving something up. I think that women stop the front door. Who is the front door anyway? The front door. The gold. Exactly. I've been thinking a lot about and talking a lot about intimacy on the show. And the difference, you know, how someone

of his crave intimacy, especially since we're also separator were attached to our phones, and we don't connect. And something like, well, we have sex all the time, but I don't feel intimate. How would you define the difference between sex and intimacy? Well, intimacy is when I think you're connected emotionally and mentally with your with your souls. There's something that that more than just the in and

out and the physical of it. And that's where the kissing and the eye contact taking your time to touch. I mean, people in long-term relationships, they tell me like, you know, we just kind of go at it. He doesn't even touch my boobs anymore. Right. Because we, it's so easy to just kind of like get into these ruts. Right. And so I think date nights are really important. Yeah, date nights.

Especially for busy and you have kids. Even though it's a sound corny, it's actually can be a really cool thing because if you know Friday night is the night, you're gonna have PIP in your step all week. You might be like brushing up on some stuff, you'll work out a little bit women. I say go out and get a new pair panties or something like that It makes you feel good and makes you feel sexy, right? And then he can stop pounding you all week and know that it's gonna be Friday Like right when they're not right at the same time and then she feels like she's rejecting them and then he feels Yeah, the whole thing that's I love the date night idea at first What I heard about scheduled sex early on,

I was like, no, that sounds so not sexy. So do you feel like you're still learning stuff? What's as anything surprised you lately, and if you don't answer for that, how is your life changed the last 15 years you've been doing this, that you've been in this industry? Wow. It's so interesting to see,

I deal with a lot of products. And nowadays, with what's available, everyone's, there's the thrill seekers, right? And you know, whether it be Viagra and like just going on light now and just for fun, I even encourage that. I've done that before. You've tried Viagra. I haven't tried, there's a Viagra for women now. I haven't done that. I don't know if it doesn't work. I'm not sure. I haven't talked to anybody. I don't know. I know, you know, like you can create blood flow. It's like it's the mic, but you still have to have everything else.

But for men to take siallis or viagra, it could be a lot of fun to like make your date night because for men that either have erection issues or poop out early when she's just getting started, you can go all night long. Right. But they don't really need it. Would you say that recreationally? Like it's fun. Yeah, it's fun. night long. Right. But they don't really need it. Would you say that recreationally? Like, it's fun. Yeah, it's fun.

Right, I had a drug, yeah. Yeah, I mean, John and I've done it before. And he's like, I am man. And he's like, wow, look at me. Right, so back, I came about. It's just fun for the thrill of it. Right, what about toys? What's your favorite thing right now?

So they've been using. So they've changed a lot. Well, not that I've been using, but the East Tim stuff is really interesting. Oh, I got some of their, tell me about that. Electric stimulation. Yeah. So, they've got these wands and it's got like the blue lights that goes through it. And thankfully, you can have it on low.

Right. But there's all kinds of different attachments and there's like these little taser sticks that are out there now that just like the type of stimulation that people are enjoying. It's like to each their own. For me, I don't know, it scares me. But to others are like, yeah, I have an employee and I give her free toys and things.

And the one thing that she finally bought with her own money was an East M kit. I'm never going to know that. I was like, oh, this is where you'll actually spend some dough. Exactly, I got it. Interesting. I mean, what do you say to people who still think? Because I feel like it's gotten better over the years that we've been doing this.

But further like, oh, I want to try to toy, but I'm afraid, or my partner's going to judge me, or I don't even know how to start the conversation. So how would you cover both of those? First of all, the urban who are still threatened by toys that whole canundrum. One of the easiest things to do is to get a vibrating cock ring, something that you use together at the same time. Right. That way it's even, it takes the pressure off of her that it's just a rabbit or something. And now he gets stimulation that he's never felt before because cock rings are

great. They're great. They like, they men never feel vibrations. And you're like, whoa, they love the vibration and makes their dicks bigger, makes their erections last longer. And when he comes, it's super explosive because it's got to make it through that tight ring at the base. Yeah. So if I were a guy and I can enhance my orgasm, shit, why not? They don't realize the potential for enhancing orgasm.

I love the weave-eye pivot. Have you tried it? It's stretchy. I haven't. I've seen it though. That looks interesting. Yeah, it's really, it's a fun one. It's a fun one to play with. That's where your penis and the balls go through, right? Yeah. No, that's the verge.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah, but the pivot is just a conquering, but I love it too, because it's like a two for it's a literal as well. I just use it as a literal vibrator. So it's a good travel vibe because you could use it either way. Nice. That's what I think. So, Sadie, I need you to answer the five questions that we ask. I asked you to, honey. I need you, honey. And then you're gonna, you're gonna answer some emails from listeners.

So, I love that you're here. Okay, ready? Your biggest turn on. Essential slow touch. Like if we're just laying there, facing each other, each on our side, and he takes his fingertips and just glides them down the side of my ribs and over my waist and over my hip real slow.

It's just real gentle. That's true. That's just turned on by that. That's true. Biggest turn off. Going too fast. And also only letting me have one orgasm. Because our first is not our last.

Exactly. Exactly. we have one orgasm. Because our first is not our last. Right, exactly. Yeah. I've, I did 15 once in the course of a full evening. Wow. It was hard. With a toy, without toys. With a person, only a person. I've been self-pleasuring since I was a young girl.

I am a pro. Right. And thankfully, I can get there quickly. Right. It's different when someone else is giving it to me of course though. But after like four someone else is giving it to me for more so. But after like four or five, you have to really concentrate, and squeeze your pelvic muscles on really push them out.

So after a while, it doesn't even feel that good. You have like one last contraction. No, that happens to me, but I'm usually using the magic pal. How many have you done? Oh, I mean, using it, I've never done 15 on my own. So my hat goes off to you. I did write the books. So you literally wrote the book. I would say with a vibrator or a toy, you know, forever.

I mean, I don't even know, I lose count. Probably 15, 20. Wow. So you're out there? Yeah, no, I can keep going and going and going. How many were like, I'm late for meetings, you know? You're your first good big one of a session. How many contractions do you have?

When I'm in a session, I would say, well, now I've actually been learning a lot more about just really breathing into it, expanding it, and actually practicing all that. I would say I would have about two to three. Yeah. What about you? That's normal, common. Good, good strong ones. 5, 6, 7.

Um, interactions. And can you explain what you've learned about the contractions? What do you mean? I'm just glad that the orgasm happened to me. So here, let's talk about this. That's great. And this is important because people don't get that. Right.

So when a guy comes, they come out in squirts, right? Then we see that, we know that. And he has the same pelvic muscle that's squeezing and contracting. So when you have an orgasm, it's kind of like the next closest thing that your body can do is a sneeze. You get to that point of no return and it's going to happen, you can't stop it.

And so what happens with your pelvic floor is it's the muscle that gets to that point and then it just contracts and squeezes. And so for a guy, that's why his come is coming out in squirts because of the muscle squeezing. So for women, the same thing happens. We just don't see it. So when we're talking about contractions, it's the pelvic muscle. You reach that point of no return of your orgasm and then it's releasing and having the

orgasm and it's those that muscle contracted. And you keep contract it. You pump your kegge muscles. Right. And does it on its own for the orgasm. And then you can kind of keep pumping it and push them out. Exactly. That's what I've learned.

That's why strong kegels are very, very important. Okay. We'll go back to your questions. Sexiest part of your partner's body. I would say God, he's got great legs. My man is a swimmer. He's a lifetime swimmer. And he swims out in the San Francisco Bay with just his little trunks on and a cap.

God, it's so high in the chitis. Yeah. It's at the Dolphin Club down at the Fisherman's Wall. Oh, you still live right near that place. Oh, yeah. So it's an old, old club in there since the 1800s. Yeah. It's super cool.

So he goes out there and he'll swim for like a half an hour in the freezing water. Oh, my God. But it's super healthy in your body. Yeah, it's so good for him. Yeah, so he's gotten really nice legs. I, it's so good for you. It's great. Yeah, so he's gotten really nicely. I love it. Crazyest place you've gotten busy.

On a golf course in high school, I think we went to a keger and I lived near a golf course. And I remember the next morning, I had grass in places that it shouldn't be. I love it. OK, so last question is, what's the one thing you wish you could tell your partner about your body's needs, which I'm sure you've already done, or you can say what something that a partner has taught you about your body's needs?

That you didn't know, although you're so profeSh. I mean, you've been doing this. I was a late bloomer. I wasn't like you. The girl always talked about sex. I went into the back end. Double entend're there. I don't, I don't know like I've, I've known my body for so long,

but I don't know that anyone's taught me anything. Yeah, I'm sure that's why I knew you could mention that. I'm sorry. That's why I so I don't want to make anything up. No, and you never what? You're amazing. Dr. Sadie Allison is so fun having here. So stick around. This is the Dawson. You can check it out. Tigglekitty.com. And then we're Allison is so fun having you here. So stick around, this is been awesome. You can check it out at tigglekitty.com. And then we're gonna come back and answer emails.

So thank you for being here. And thank you everyone for supporting our sponsors. They're awesome and so are you. We'll be right back. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

All right emails, Dr. Sadie, here we go. If you have a question you want me to answer on the show, I will answer it. I will, I will, I will. We love hearing from you. We read all of your emails. It makes us so happy. And if you want to email us, you can text us, text Ask Emily all one word to 7979 or you can also go through the website, which is really easy.

It's sex with Emily.com via the Ask Emily tab. And what's really fun is you can select that you'd like to be called. It says, there's a thing that says, do you want me to call you during a future color show? If you indicate yes on the forum, we will call you. And I'm loving the color shows, because then we can really get into what's going on with you.

And I feel like we've healed a lot of relationships, a lot of sex lives that way. So either way, I love hearing from you, always include information that helps me help you, your gender, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. This is from Annelise, 22 Washington State. Hey Emily, I recently tied the knot with my boyfriend of three years. We've known each other for seven years.

My husband is great and he's the first guy to make me orgasm. However, I feel that our sex life is getting boring and has become routine. We're both very busy and have hectic work schedules. I really want to spice things up and he's expressed an interest in anal sex. I gave it a try, but I didn't enjoy it. How do I change that? Any tips. So Sadie wrote the book, Tickle My Tush, on anal. So I'm going to fill this to her, but yeah, it is very common. First time experience is not so great. And I love that you have so much information here. So let's talk about the first time and what to do. The most common. Yeah, the most common reason that it's not enjoyable is because it's not done right. A

lot of guys don't realize that it's very different than the vagina. It's a whole different erogenous zone. And there's things that you need to know to do it safely and comfortably. And so if you don to know to do it safely and comfortably. And so if you don't study up on it first, you might hurt her. She's not going to want to do it again and that's very, very common. She closes the back door forever if you mess it up once and so. So I suggest is take the knowledge part. You take that and take control of that because this is your body.

You learn about the right way to do anal sex and some of the main things are there's got to be lubrication because your anus does not produce any loop like your vagina does. You have to be warmed up so have sex for a while, have some orgasms, neck up, your clitorar orgasms or whatever. Yeah, this shouldn't be that something you do out of the gate. You do kind of at the end of a sex session and make sure you go really slow and communicate and work up to his penis. So start with gentle finger play and move up to that. And if you follow those steps and go slowly,

have your body be relaxed and engorged and hot and all of that. And breathe. Don't hold your breath. I think that we're so nervous sometimes that we're like, and then we are tensing our sphincter muscles and you gotta release them and breathe. And you have to relax them so it can go in.

And at first, when you're first getting into anal sex and getting used to it, it can be a little bit uncomfortable. But it's kind of also be that hurt so good feeling. Right. Where if you're fully relaxed and you're lubricated, you can actually turn that little bit of that pain into pleasure. I think that they get also if you want to try it again, you could start with this fingers next time or using a butt plug or something like that.

So you just get used to that fullness. And you take it upon yourself to learn these things. Get a copy of Tickle My Tush, read up on it, it's real easy to understand, and then you guide him, and then you take control of your own pleasure. Pleasure. This is Christy 23 from Florida. Hey Emily, I can orgasm when I masturbate,

but I've never been able to orgasm during sex. It's really frustrating. I often fake my O because I feel bad for a partner and they can't get me there. Since my youth, I've been masturbating by humping a pillow, and I can't seem to get that same pressure or stimulation on my clip during sex. When my partner even rubs or licks my clip, it doesn't feel like much. It led me to not really care or like having sex because it doesn't feel as good as pressure from the pillow. I'm really frustrated and I wanted to hear your advice about this.

Thank you. So yeah, this is Chrissy 23. So what's interesting, you know, for Force of All, like we've talked about most women, it's common for women not to be able to orgasm, do I get a course? But just because you haven't yet, doesn't mean that it couldn't happen for you.

But she's 23, she's starting out. She's young. There's total hope for her. Total hope. First of all, I love her honesty. Yeah, me too. That's awesome. First thing I would suggest is lay off the pillow.

She's become accustomed to that particular stimulation. Stop everything, let your body kind of recalibrate and get used to your man's touch. Okay, so that's number one. The next thing is to understand that most women don't come during intercourse. And so you want to make some adjustments whether it be the position that you're in and in right-em-calgural, my book,

I have a whole chapter on positions where your clitoris will be stimulated. But she should also bring either a sex toy into the picture or use her own hand and fingertips to massage herself the way she likes, the right pressure, and at least start having orgasms during your course. And then she can start to teach her guy. Because guys typically want to please their ladies, they just kind of don't know how and women aren't speaking up.

Right. They're not speaking up and she doesn't know because the pill is not there, but that's a great thing. Yees off of the pillow. Absolutely. Because other ways, totally, it might not happen the first night, the first week, the first month, like you're retraining your body. And it doesn't mean you can't end with humming the pillow. Like maybe I always say, like, start out and try all these other things.

If it doesn't work and you want to orgasm, you go back to the pillow, maybe towards the end. I think if you just can't give up with the pillow, but then our goal is to get to, is to wean you away from the pillow, right? Re-calibrate. Re-calibrate. Yeah, that's really true. And otherwise you're leaving your guy out and it's going to stay that way. Yeah, we want you to give him the orgasms.

Yeah, give him the opportunity. Yeah, no faking. No faking. No faking. We just don't want to get it. Because then you're never going to get it out. No one fake out. Exactly.

So this led me to another question I want to talk to you about because I've been getting this just a lot more lately. You know how they think sex questions. They don't change that much, but there's sometimes really get so many it want, like over the years, like I feel like in the last year there's been a trend towards more men actually asking about prostate play, for example, like on their own,

just things change, but the one thing I keep getting, and it's from women and from men, is how do I stay focused during sex? How do I get out of my head and into my body? I'm so distracted during sex, and we always know when we're thinking of their to-do list and men are thinking of whatever, maybe the same thing or fantasy, and they can't be present and focused in the moment.

What do you say to that? Sometimes music can do the trick. Whatever that kind of music is that really gets you going, that you love, that can help be the thing that you're focusing on. Another idea would be to put on some erotica or some porn, right? that you go in, that you love, that can help be the thing that you're focusing on. Yeah. Another idea would be to put on some erotica or some porn, right? So that it's taking your mind off of whatever it's on and into something else that's involved

in the bedroom. Exactly. Have you ever seen Andrew Blake porn? No, but tell me I want you porn. Oh my God, I'm waiting it down. Check it out. Okay. This is one of my favorite directors.

I love this, Tony. He makes really classy, central, beautiful, romantic porn. A lot of women on women, which a lot of women like to watch, because it's more sensual. But the production quality and the scenery, and he shoots in Paris and all these cool places with really gorgeous women. So I suggest finding some porn that you like

to put on on the TV, even if it's just low in the background. Okay. It'll be a distraction, but the right kind of distraction. Exactly. So get your mind off the other stuff. And you also have to make make it a priority that you don't want to sit there having sex thinking about the laundry. Right. Tell yourself, I'm going to do some of these things and try these things because I want to be present in the moment. Yes. Thank you, 80. Okay, we've got another email. This is Jessica 24 Ohio.

Hey, Emily, I love your podcast so much and I'd love some advice. I always have had issues about sex. I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and it has made sex extremely complicated. However, I enjoy having sex with my boyfriend of two years because he's sensitive, doesn't pressure me, and there's never an issue if we need to stop. I get into sex after 20 minutes or so, but I really dread it ahead of time. I'd like to become an overall more sexual person. I really want this. Maybe I need help changing my mindset about sex. I don't even know where to start, and I'd appreciate your tips. Jessica, she's 24. First of all, it's so articulate and you're so self-aware at Jessica.

So I love that you're even asking this question at your age and that you're pinpointing it. Right. And caring that you want to change. And that's the first step. This is kind of one of those things. It's like if you don't acknowledge that you have a problem with something, you can't fix it. Right. Just like addicts.

You know, until they want help, no one can help them. Exactly. So great first step, the fact that you're thinking about this and you want to evolve. And so, I went and put pressure on yourself. You've come through some hard times. I understand that a lot of us have. So, it's really just about taking baby steps. Don't put so much pressure on yourself.

You are working on it, just thinking about it. Therapy sometimes is good. Yeah, you know, for trauma, yeah. Yeah, every human being can use it. Everybody, I say this all the time. And I'm like, you guys are gonna not gonna like the answer, but I'm gonna tell you go to therapy. Yeah, I'm not gonna tell you all the answers help.

It does help. It's been and it's totally helped. Yes, oh my God, it's everything. Right, and I feel like it's not even a one and done. Like, my throughout my life, I've been in and out of therapy. So it's just, it's like you go in for, you know, a check out, right? And finding the right one is important. It's like finding a good doctor or a good employee or anything like that. You have to interview different

people to find someone that you connect with. Exactly. It's about connection, it's like a relationship. It really is a relationship. It's a very intimate relationship. So a lot of people with untreated trauma will continue to see a lot of the impacts of that throughout their lifetime. So that's why it's really good to knit that. But you dread it ahead of time, changing your mindset about sex, I think if she could somehow, I'm thinking for you, Jessica, to kind of link up. Because when you say, when you start going, she really enjoys it.

But it's that disc that there's something inside it. So I'm trying to think about how to like, after you have it to bask in that glow and be thinking about it, and really have it get into your body. I feel like that this feels really good. I know I was nervous at the time, but remember how you're feeling. Like in the moment, just say, well, right now my body's tingling, my head feels clear.

I feel really connected to my partner. And then maybe when you start to feel that dread come up, which sounds like you're self-aware and you recognize that you can think, oh, but wait, I felt those, and then kind of channeled to that. Tap into those feelings. That's great advice. Yeah. and think, oh, but wait, I felt those, and then kind of, tap into that. Tap into those feelings. That's great advice. Yeah.

And I've been in that situation where I've been headed towards a big show appearance. And I was stressed out, like, oh my God, if I say the wrong thing, or I can answer a question, and I was talking to my spiritual. He still think that too? Sometimes, yeah. Like, shit, I do that.

That's how, no, don't ask me about whatever, but I can only ask. And so I was talking to my spiritual advisor once, and I was tripping out, and he's like, say, let me ask me about whatever, but I can only end. And so I was talking to my spiritual advisor once and I was tripping out and he's like, say, let me ask you something. He goes, have you ever screwed up that bad and not been able to get through it? And I was like, well, no, he's like, have I ever been able to not kind of answer a question at least give some value to the listeners and get through it? And I said, no, I've kind of been okay.

He's like, well, why are you tripping out then? You've done it. You know how to do this. So can I give this number? Yeah. So for your listener, I would suggest, just like you were saying, she knows that she gets into it and ultimately enjoys it and to tap into that. So as soon as she starts feeling anxiety again,

stop, be headstrong and say, you know what? I'm gonna work at not letting myself go down that path, and I'm gonna let my mind go down this path. Because our minds and brain play tricks on us. So it's barely just kind of taking control of your mind, not letting it control you. Exactly, which is a whole life's work. Never stops.

You can do better at it. You don't go as far down the road. You're like, oh, that was my voice in the head. That wasn't actually real. So Sadie, I want to finish up with something that, like I said earlier, you have inspired me to give a bigger, better hand job because of your book. I'm saying.

I like how I affect people in so many ways, but this tickles pickle. Now, I feel like there's a lost art of the hand job. And I get it. I used to have this debate with men as he's on the show and he's like, oh, man, we'd rather we'd blow job if you give him any day, rather a blowjob over a hand job. Like it's not about that. I'm not saying that you'll never get a blowjob again. I'm saying you can combine them, but there's so much like mess.

He's like, well I got my hand. I can do that. That's his like male perspective of his one-sided view of things. But let's talk about the art of a hand job and why we should bring it back. Well, it's lost as like you were saying You know, we do it in high school a lot of times when you're still a virgin and you're doing everything else But the deed you get into hand jobs But so many people forget to use their hands and these are the best sex toys we have is exactly these two hands and these 10 digits So when it comes to hand jobs men appreciate a really good hand job more than you realize for one reason It's because women aren't doing it.

So when you pop out the hand and you actually know what you're doing, they're totally mesmerized. I've even given a hand job see for and had a guy say, wow, it's like you have your own penis, how do you know? And it's really cool when you can get a penis genus. But it's really like if you put yourself in their shoes and think like, so your clitoris is like a mini penis. They have all their nerve endings on the head, just like our 8,000 on the tip of our clitoris.

And just think like what it feels like when your clitoris is rubbed properly and with confidence, because you can give a hand job and if you're not like really doing it with confidence, you're kind of like not squeezing hard enough. And it's really about like rhythm and technique. And using lube, absolutely, right? A little bit of spit at first, but that might not be enough. I just have lube, I have vats of lube in my house. Vats of lube, suitcases of lube.

Right. So let's talk about it. So the hand job, just some things that people might not know about different techniques. Well, first of all, you can use both hands and a lot of women leave that out and twisting. Twisting. Twisting is so important. And it's not, you know, all the sensation for him is at the head.

It doesn't mean you want to stay at the top the whole time, but you definitely want to focus, like on the top third of his penis, especially when you're trying to make him climax at the end. You kind of do the go over the head to think to up and down. But you want to make sure that you want to make it like it's for play and have a variety of sensations. So you want to make sure you're touching his balls and playing those gently like two gentle little eggs

that you're rolling around in your hands. Use your other hand to do other things and mix it up. So don't go straight for the gusto like you're trying to make him come right away, which is a certain speed, a certain rhythm and consistency. Before you get to that point, have fun. Take it slow. Tease him. Do all the things to him that you wish he was doing to you.

Exactly. Do on to others as you were doing. And don't tell you as you would like to do it. Yeah. And don't be shy to the Bible. Men can take it. There are actually a lot, a lot firmer and rougher than we might think.

So you can communicate to find out, but you can like squeeze harder, go faster and ask them, does that feel good? Do you want me to stay up here? And then he'll be so happy you asked. And then you'll be so thrilled that you actually know how to please him even better, and then sex will be better all right.

It's so true. Yes, I just got so excited. I wanna go find a penis right now. That's how excited I am. I'm not gonna do that. That is such great tips. And this is a lot in Tickle's Tickle, Dr. Sadie Ellison's book, and all your books, ticklekitty.com.

Thank you. And Emily, can I say to you? Yes. I am so proud of you. I've known you for 12, 14 years. We go way back in San Francisco when we were just little pups and I have seen you blossom and bloom and stay in the game and grow and evolve and I just been watching the whole way and I just think it's so awesome. Thank you, Sadie. You're welcome. I keep going. You're doing a great service

to everybody out there with this podcast. Thank you, honey. Well, thank you for being here for supporting me along the way. You've always been there. I call you. I'm going to call the tickles, pick a moment. We have a girl. And I will always be there for you. Thanks.

Same thing. I love you, sweetie. I'm so glad you're doing your kick and ass still. And thank you for being here. I love it. I appreciate it. So fun. So fun.

Okay. Well, thank you, everyone, for listening and thanks for listening to the show. Thank you for supporting the show. Thank you for reviewing the show. We love when you subscribe. We love when you review. And iTunes, I do read them and to the show. Thank you for supporting the show. Thank you for reviewing the show. We love when you subscribe. We love when you review and iTunes. Or I do read them and helps the show. And thank you to my amazing team, Ken,

Jamie, our volunteers Shannon and Jenny, producer, Lark and Michael. Thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Text Ask Emily to 7979-7979. 7979.