Sex With Emily - How to Be A Sexual Superhero

Episode Date: September 10, 2014

This week’s show is all about the secret to your sexual powers, your sex drive! Emily talks about how to get the amount of sex you crave and what to do when your libido takes a dive. She covers some of the lesser known sex issues, including a woman with a secret porn habit, a few ladies whose husbands aren’t into sex, and a man who divorces his wife over her insatiable sexual appetite. Throughout the show, Emily tackles common misconceptions and gives you the real sex drive facts. Whether you’re male or female, older or younger, you can have a fulfilling sex life. Just commit to a sex date and make it happen.  Emily explains why you must know your relationship limits: How do you know when to call it quits? She advises a listener with a stagnant sex life, and helps a woman whose post-baby sex life is less than satisfactory. From mismatched libidos to mismatched desires to the best ways to spice up your married sex life, this episode addresses the most common sex drive challenges and answers a few unexpected questions! Don’t miss out on the latest Sex With Emily podcast. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, welcome to this episode of Sex with Emily. Today it's all about sex drive. How do you have more sex? What happened when your libido takes a dive? We're gonna tell you how to spice it up in the bedroom. But first a word from our sponsor, Permanent who's exactly about that. So, Permanent is all about helping men

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and you're not thinking about baseball. Because who wants to do that? Promescent is the only FDA approved treatmentved treatment for premature ejaculation, so check it out at promescent.com. That's PROMESCNT or go to sexelmy.com and click on the promescent banner. Thanks for listening. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized they call them in a bygone day. Hey, Aveline, you got a boyfriend?

Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean like laundry? It shrinks. And we not talk about sex so much.

Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so sorry. Oh my god, being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com. You can check out our podcast, our blogs, our sex and the news, and all

of our funny, great informative stuff happening. And please do sign up for our mailing list. If you've not done that yet, because I will not spam you, I will not sell your name or anything like that, but I will send you useful information that will change your life. So today's show, we're going to be talking about sex drive. You know, I always hear from you guys. It's like probably the most one of the most common things that get asked is, you know, my partner wants more sex than I do. I hear from men and women. They want more sex. He wants more sex. She wants more sex. He wants more kink. She wants, you know, and everyone just trying

to figure out why aren't they having the most amazing sex like they had at the beginning of their relationship. Believe me, I hear this every single day. I hear it when I'm walking down the street. I hear it from my hairdresser. I hear it from Anderson. No, just kidding. Anderson, you wouldn't talk to me about your sex life yet. Hi, Anderson. Hi, I am.

How you doing? I'm doing well. It's great to see you. It's good to see you. I know. Every week we start off with a little affair. I know, but it's so true. But yeah, it's totally honest.

It's like a real love affair. It really is. I know. It's a microphone love affair. Guys, I ever once settled down. I'm a married man. No, you are a married man. It's cute. And I saw a picture We're gonna see a picture from your wedding. Oh, it was on someone's Instagram I think it was maybe dr. Drew's or something or he was there and it was a cute picture of you guys kissing The last time dr. Drew did a shot in the first time in about 10 years that drew to that shot was that my wedding really

Got married up in the Madonna Inn, love that place. Where is that, I don't even know. San Luis Obispo. Oh, nice. Beautiful hotel. Every single room is completely different. Very romantic. I didn't know that, and it was a few years ago, so anyway.

So yeah, interesting to see you, how was your holiday weekend? It was great. I'm very excited about today's show though. Yeah, because I want to hear these emails, I always think it's weird when I hear ads for like, increase your libido, do you want to increase your libido? I don't get that at all.

In fact, my libido, and I think that's the case with a lot of guys that I know, I get interferes with my life. I wish I had less of one. Oh, because you're still, you've never. And if it went away, I'd be like, cool, I wouldn't be like, oh, I wish I was horny all the time.

Yeah, okay, so you've never had a point in your life. You're like, nah, I don't really want sex that much. Not as of yet. That's good. Should I be knocking on wood? Yeah, you should be because you know, it's really common. I may, I hear it, but you've been married, let me let me let's talk next year. Well, I think that I've been with her for like 11 years. Okay, I got it. I think I'd be a very, very successful, successful person if I didn't have a sex drive. Why? Because you wouldn't be thinking about sex all the time? I just wasted so much energy and time on sex, making sex happen, having sex, thinking about sex.

If that was filled with something productive, I know that sex is literally productive. Right, no, I know what you're saying. I know what you're saying. So you're still preoccupied now, but have you ever been, we'd have to talk about your wife, but in your life, in a long-term relationship, where you were ready to go at it and she wasn't wanting

it. Oh now if it's that's what you're talking about getting the ladies going. I'm talking about mismatched libidos in relationships. I'm talking about where she wants it all the time and he's exhausted after work or vice versa because I hear I hear this from I mean people all the time or after childbirth when she have kids, the whole sex period of children. There's a lot of psychology behind it too. There is psychology behind it.

There's a lot of psychology behind it. There's a lot of psychology behind it. There's a lot of psychology behind it. There's a lot of psychology behind it. There's a lot of psychology behind it. There's a lot of psychology behind it. There's a lot of psychology behind it too. There's a lot of psychology behind it.

There's a lot of psychology behind it. There's a lot of psychology behind it. There's a lot of psychology behind it. There's a lot of psychology behind it. There's a lot of psychology behind it. There's a lot of psychology behind it. There's a lot of psychology behind it too. There's a lot of psychology behind it too.

There's a lot of psychology behind it. There's a lot of psychology behind it too. There's a lot of psychology behind it. There's a lot of psychology behind it too. There's the fact that they were after you so much for it. It was almost like, I got this one girl like she'd come home late from work and I was tired and then she'd always be like, let's do it. We're gonna have to do it. Now it's like, I feel like I have to do something. I don't want it. Okay, I am so glad you said that because this is what happened to me this morning. So I have my very best friend in the whole world. This is good. From San Francisco, we talked, we've talked almost every day for like 25 years. And not as much now that I'm in LA, but the point is we talk every week for sure. And she called me this morning and she said to me, first thing she said to me was she goes,

I figured out why I'm gonna call him Bob. She goes to his, her husband of 12 years. She was Emily, I figured out why Bob annoys me. And I said why? She said because he's my husband. And I was like, what do you mean? She's, he just like annoys me like I love him like they have a great marriage. Like to be honest, one of the strongest marriage ever, everyone I, everyone, anyone I know. And

whenever it's sometimes a talker and she's like, I'm so into Bob. And then sometimes she's like, he annoys me. She just, but it's because he's my husband. So she knew what I told him the other day. I told him that from now on, I don't want him to introduce me as his wife. I want him to introduce me as his wife, I want him to introduce me as his lover. And now he's calling me lover around the house and she said because the problem is I feel like wife, I just hate that term wife that like I'm his property, she was you know what I didn't take his last name.

And there's a reason for it. And she said it's just he comes home from work and you know they have two kids and she's that I'm making dinner or I'm doing something and he just wants sex and he grabs me and he demands it. And she said, so, you know what? Kiss my neck. And then maybe go upstairs and come back to, it's like, this is what I've been talking, like, warm them up.

So, same thing, this girl comes home like, Anderson, wake up, I want sex now. No one wants to be, no one wants to be pushed into sex. And I think the problem is is men and women approach it wrong They approach sex in a way that turns their partner off and there's ways to get more sex If you kind of know how to warm up your partner and what gets them in the mood So what she said to him was, you know, you know don't come in and grab my crotch like Kiss my neck warm me up make out with me for a while. I mean, it's a women's mom We're not it's shocking to get to season telling me after 12 years I know well yeah I mean

it's not that she hasn't believe me it wasn't the first time a little hippie-dippy little hippie little calm you ask because the whole love her term but very said you know maybe but she's like I'd rather be your lover than your wife just because that that takes away the whole he's my ball and chain you know yeah the word wife it does have a kind of a negative connotation. Yeah, and I don't even like the term boyfriend. Like when I date guys, like, oh, so now you're like,

when they say girlfriend. Well, that's because that's a commitment thing with you. I mean, that's a whole different story. We don't have time for that now, but no, I just, I never liked it though. Okay, so I've never wanted to come up. I don't like, she's my boyfriend. I'm your girlfriend.

We are together. You own me, I own you. I just, I don't like, I don't like labors, man. Don't back me in. Kind of related If you're ever looking for a way to break up, but you don't know how to like say the words Sex with you is like a chore usually works Oh, I've said that a couple times and that that's the end of the relationship. Oh my god

This woman who came home bang into wake banging you to bang actually talk about it Well, I'm like you know, I just feels like a chore with you and that was the end of the relationship. We've got to move on. It's C. That's a good point. That's interesting because again, a lot of these emails, they're all kind of a variation of couples struggling with whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew,

whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, of this too. Not, you know, I mean, glad you guys are doing well. It's been, but you've been together a long time and your wife's awesome. So, that's good. Okay, also, I want to say, if you haven't done this yet, you need to get out your phone right now.

And if you like me, you should follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram, which is all sex with Emily. And also, are you doing that now, I'm interested? You don't follow me? I'm following exactly what you said. I got it. My phone and I'm following. And then also, I do a Twitter chat on every Wednesday, 12, 30 to one, Pacific Standard. I answer your tweets, really quickly. That's PM, yes.

PM, what does that mean? You should. No, you just said 12, 30 to one, but you do love lines, so you're like, like, my person. Oh yeah, true. No, it's PM. It's PM on Wednesdays. And then another thing is, I am the host of this huge thing

called the Sexual Health Expo. And we just announced it this week. It's happening. Oh god, I don't know if the press release here in January. Do they have a logo? Yeah. What is it like? She and it's my picture.

No, no, no, no, for the sexual health. Oh, really, you're the logo? I'm the logo, my picture. Oh, because you know how no, for the sexual health, oh really, you're the logo? I'm the logo, my picture. Oh, because you know how every, like, Olympics has like a cartoony logo. I was hoping that it have some kind of like, you know, like sexual thing. It's me, I'm the logo.

But it's really cool, it's the first, let me try to find, can you guys someone pull up the dates and the press release, but anyway, it's in San Francisco, I mean San Francisco, it's in Los Angeles, and it's the first of its kind, it's for consumers to come. There's gonna be workshops with like leading sex experts and to think Francisco, it's in Los Angeles and it's the first of its kind, it's for consumers to come. There's going to be workshops with like leading sex experts and to think it's in January and it's going to be all about helping men and women have better sex and they come in and there's going

to be again workshops, there's going to be sex toys and it's going to be just the one-of-a-kind event in Hollywood and it's going to be super fun. January 17th and 18th in West Hollywood and it's gonna be super fun. January 17th and 18th in West Hollywood and we will get you the actual venue before the show. January 17th and I think it's the Sophie Tal actually, I read that. So it's January 17th and 18th, it's called the Sexual Habitat Expo. And so if you don't live in LA, this is a great time. You can give it plenty of time.

January 17th, 18th, 2015. Come to this Expo because it's to be friggin' rockin' and I'm the host, and I'm giving the keynote. It's right across the street from the world, famous Beverly Center. Exactly. Oh, good shopping, totally. So that's what I have to tell you all about that.

And then I have a little bit of sex in the news for us. OK, court grants the size and towards that. But court grants man the size into our topic. Court grants a man divorce over wife's demand for excessive sex. So this is Guy. He sought separation from his wife alleging that she was aggressive and autocratic with an insatiable appetite for sex

and was granted divorce by a family court and won by. The man in his petition said she was showing an excessive desire for sex and harassed him since their marriage in 2012. He alleged that she used force. She forced him into having unnatural sex and whenever he tried to resist it she would abuse him, following which he had succumbed to her pressure and persistent demands. She said to him he administered him medicines and also forced him to consume liquor. The woman even went to the extent of threatening that if his demands were not fulfilled, she

would go to another man without caring for her emotions and feelings. He was also hospitalized at one point for a stomach ache and was advised to avoid having sexual relations, but guess what? She kept demanding it from him. He had appendicitis, all this stuff discharged. She forced him to have sex. This is in 2013, another operation, and the wife threatened him and and it sounds pretty horrible. I mean the wife didn't appear at the hearing and the judge granted him his separation and said, Ron Mann, Ron, he's out of it. However, however, you said Mumbai, right? Yeah yeah so god knows maybe she wants like once a week

you think what what I also picked up on the unnatural sex what was she begging for anal what what was that yeah I think so she was begging for uh I don't know it doesn't say yeah what's his unnatural sex so maybe it was anal but who knows what it was a dog? It could be doggy. It could be doggy. She might have wanted sex with the family dog. We really don't know. That's not what I meant.

Oh, what you mean, a doggy cell? Yes. That way it is jump straight to the pet. Jesus Christ, this is the world I live in. I'm a big B.C.D.L.A. My brain needs to be rewired. OK, so go and get sex drive and the beadow and all this stuff. I've got a pop quiz for you. Anderson, you ready? Or for anyone listening, ready? Most

men reach their sexual peak at 18 and most women experience theirs in their 30s. True a false. True. Don't tell me it's false. That's what I've always heard. Exactly. This is why it's your pop quiz. It is false. It's true. Younger people have sex more frequently, but research has shown that this sexual peak is not a fact. And I actually, before I started working in sex, I thought this was true too, but it's actually not true. So what's the Cougars' excuse to?

So exactly what the Cougars' excuse is that women, as they get older, they get to know their body better, they know it Adam orgasms, they know they're more comfortable with their body women in their 20s are just learning, you know, except for the ones that work for me that, you know, learn really quickly. You're calling your girl's horse? No, I'm calling them women who are sexually empowered and know their bodies, but no, a lot of women in there, I just adore them. So I'm just like, they're freaking awesome. And I think that women in their 20ss a lot of times I'm not as confident They're brought up to and I hope this is changing a lot, you know people listening to my show and just becoming more sexually aware

But they're just I mean, I remember I didn't know what we guys are doing the jackhammer. You are doing the jackhammer in your 20s What are you saying? You were pounding way to woman They you know what they faked it. They thought they liked it because they thought that's how sex was going to feel because they like the power of the jack hammer. Yeah, they like the power of it, but they don't know what an orgasm is. Does it always have to be soft and slow? No, it doesn't, but sometimes it does. So it's a variation. And so the truth is, is that adults, the sex from Indiana University, many adults continue to active pleasurable sex lives past their prime.

And they even found that women tend to orgasm easily as they get older. So the low libido that people talk about have less to do with age and more to do with hormones. So a lot of people have, you know, hormones, hormones fluctuate or rheumatoid taking the birth control pill. And it really does mess with your sex drive. And women don't realize this because I went on birth control when I was like 18 and I remember not having but has much of a sex drive as I did before that and I

didn't know that that was the cause of it. No, the doctors aren't like they're like don't get pregnant. So here's a pill, but you might not have the same sex drive. And there's so many different kinds too that do different things. Exactly. Some make it moody. Exactly. I got fat moody. I got big boobs though. I mean, my boobs work. I grew, I had the biggest boobs on the planet.

Like, I almost wish I did. Bigs on the planet. That's a bold statement. For me, they grew two sizes. My boyfriend at the time was very happy. And I got skinny. You said that word that you don't like. What do I say?

You said boyfriend. You had a boyfriend? Well, I was in college. Great experimenting with boyfriend. I didn't know then that I didn't want boyfriends but he was my first boyfriend we were dating for two and a few years and i actually had a dream about him the other night just remembered this i had a dream that my boyfriend mark from college

we date of my school to college went to prom that he like showed up my dream and he's like we should be together and you know why because he forget lives in michigan and my brother sees him all the time and he says successful doctor and he's like we should be together. And you know why? Because he freaking lives in Michigan and my brother sees him all the time and he's a successful doctor and he's like why didn't you marry him? So your brother said me all the time. He's like he's so cool. Why didn't you marry him? I'm like are you friends with Mark's wife on Facebook? We should send her this episode. I am not friends with my friends with him on Facebook and I just like to picture him

in his whole family the other day. So we're all good. I'm sure that that wife appreciates that. It's been forever. So I get to, oh, I'm not gonna give it. What? I did something really bad at a wedding. What'd you do? Okay. So, oh, maybe it's okay at a wedding once in my 20s. After I broke up with him, we sealed mutual friends and I was a wedding and I was drunk and I was talking to some of his friends. This is like the worst thing.

This is how stupid I was in my 20s that I said, his friends were trying to egg me on about our sex life and I'm like, yeah, well, I never wasn't that great. Like I never had an orgasm with them. And I blamed him just like many women do for my orgasm, for not having an orgasm and not pleasing me. But I didn't know how to have an orgasm with a guy. And so I just thought he was bad and bad. Like a lot of women. So he broke up with you. No, I broke up with him. I've never had to be a problem. You break up with him and you talk shit to his friends and away. I know.

I'm embarrassed. I was drunk. I'm still upset. I can't believe what you're talking about. What you said was true. But that's a lesson. But that's a lesson to everybody that I was ignorant and I didn't have a lot of sexual information that knowing that like women, it's not his fault.

It is not his fault. If you've explained to him, it's only his fault. If you've told him what you need and showed him and he's still like banging away You are not paying attention then it's his fault But it's not his like I thought I was like the Rubik's cube that he needed to figure out that how to make it all the colors on one side and he didn't do it I just peeled this ticker's up. He didn't crack the code. Oh, that's smart So the thing is about one in three women actually do experience low sex drive According to the American Health Association and here's how the symptoms, obviously one of them

is you have a decreased desire to have sex, you fewer sexual thoughts and fantasies, a lesson response to sex, and the problem is there's so many things that contribute to it, because it can be personal, like stress. It can be non medical factors like you know low self-esteem. That's another big killer, lack of sleep or it can be medical factors like depression, side effects of medication and also again hormones. And that is the biggest thing for women too, and men that they have really low self-esteem they feel in bed. They don't feel sexy. They feel like the guys looking at the fact that she gained two pounds, she doesn't take her clothes off, she wants lights off, things like that.

These are all going to impact her sex drive. And it's actually most women who are experiencing this are just blaming themselves and wondering what's wrong or they're blaming their husbands, but they're not reporting it. They're not seeking help for it. So I hope that if this is you, no matter what age you are, and you used to have a higher sex right now you felt the difference that you should you know talk to your doctor about it People are so weird about talking to the doctor. I so I do this Twitter channel Wednesdays, right? So guy was tweeting me Yesterday and he lives in Australia. I don't know if that's anything to do with it

But he said to me now I have a lot of Australian listeners. So I don't even know I said that but he said I might he said to me I'm 52 and I and i have a lot of australian listeners so i'm going to i said that but he's i might he said to me um... i'm fifty two and i always about as a reaction that he said i can't stay going on a pack of exactly that yeah that was him that's good he said i can't stay hard i can only stay hard whatever was i can stay hard long enough as long as i want to

and i said he said i can get hard for a blowjob and not for intercourse, I get soft. And I gave him all these ideas, they on Twitter back up where they said, well, if you talk to your doctor, he said, no. Can't talk to my doctor because my friend goes to the same doctor and I don't want my doctor. And I said, well, you're a 52 year old man, your health is important.

You're holding facts back from your doctor because you think it's like doctor patient privilege he's not gonna share this question. Australian doctors are different. They do a lot of barbecues, have fosters, get to talk to you. They get drunk and they're like, hey, you mean. Your buddy can't get hot during a hot,

that's impossible. That's impossible. So people just don't, and I was out in my friend's last night, it was a doctor, and he said, yeah, I've said to people I've ever talked to you, but no, things like they don't talk about their sex life. And it's like, that's what your show's talk to. But also like nowadays, especially,

like you only get like four or five minutes with your doctor when you make an appointment. And you forget about a lot of stuff. You do. And you only talk about the really important stuff at that moment. You're probably not talking, thinking about sex when you're sitting in the doctor's office.

Like I just saw my doctor for the second time, ever. I have a broken, I broke my back when I was 20, so I have tons of metal in there. I have a computer chip. That's at the base of my spine that someone forgot to take out. One of the doctors forgot to take out. Two major surgeries, I'm missing a rib.

They had to take a rib out, like massive stuff. My doctor has no idea. I forgot to tell her, both times. See, you gotta take notes. You gotta like keep throughout the year when you go back to your doctor and think about these things. Keep it on your phone, like important things

to bring up with doctor. Yeah, totally. I mean, how many lists do you have? You must have like lists of movies and stuff about these things. Keep it on your phone. Like important things to bring up with doctor. Yeah, totally. I mean, how many lists do you have? You must have lists of movies and stuff. I got a cognitive list on my private Facebook list. I find it easy. So that's important. So also for men, though, let's talk about what causes it, you know, low sex, I for men,

we always think that men are ready to go like Anderson. But not every guy is like that, or they go through periods where they are. The male libido is always an overdrive is what we think, not true. One out of five men actually have a low sex drive. So here's another cause of low sex drive in men. So most men are in the normal age range. Some are externally driven toward addiction-like sexual behavior.

But the other end of the scalar man was low sexual interest. And these men could have hypodhypoactive sexual desire disorder. That could be one thing. And again, this could be psychological issues, stress and anxiety from the strain of daily life, family problems, depression, mental disorders, same thing. They could be on medications. They could have diabetes.

They could be taking heart medicine. I mean, there's all these different things that contribute. I've been there, I've been really, really depressed, and it's weird. Like you think about sex and look at sex, and it's just like this weird, odd thing, it doesn't really even make sense. There's nothing interesting about it.

No, you're like, there's nothing. And you look at it completely, like objectively for the first time. It's very strange. See, so you have, you haven't always been rare and to go Anderson. I've had stretches. So it's depression, it's anxiety.

A lot of times when men are worried about work or financial situations, stress, they don't accept. The penis is going away. It goes inside and inside them like a turtle. But like I've always heard that the more successful you are, if you get a promotion or a raise or something, your penis actually grows a little bit. Swared a God.

Come on. Swared a God, it's a real thing. What do you mean your penis grows like temporarily? I don't know if it's from testosterone boost or what? Maybe testosterone but I'll be temporary. The girl your girls are laughing but that could be temporary. Hey guys look it up. Look it up. It could also be hormone. If you been reading all this about testosterone now it's like the big thing. There's on the cover of time magazine. No one reads anymore. I mean, I barely have time to read.

All right, but testosterone is like, it was on the cover of time magazine a few weeks ago. And the whole thing was about this, it's a billion dollar industry that men are taking testosterone supplements and the rub and the creams on them. And it's the hormone of desire arguably and women are taking it as well. Because low testosterone levels usually mean a low sexual desire.

So women and men can take testosterone. Again, you could talk to your daughter about this. And your doctor. And the levels for men, they dip as they age. So that's why so many guys are taking hormones out, are taking testosterone, but there's also a lot of side effects. You could also have low dopamine, but the key to it is really, it might seem like this is counterintuitive and it's kind of like the thing where I always tell people, you know, like getting to the

gym is the hardest part, but once you get there, you're going to keep working out. So sometimes if you're feeling like you don't want to have sex, it could be counterintuitive, but if you're really stressed and you're waiting to feel like you're in the mood and you're waiting to feel horny Sometimes it's better just to Have a plan to have sex and then stick to it and to go through with it because you never have sex and like regret it Do you or at least a little sex with yourself? I mean give give a masturbation hey speaking of gyms. I was gonna actually talk about the gym real quick. I recently learned That if you do leg exercises, especially like squats and stuff, raise your testosterone

naturally, I've been doing leg exercises for the first time of my life, because I have giant massive muscular legs, I've never even bothered working them out, because they're just big, I don't really even like them, I don't want them bigger, but I gave it a shot, it could all be what do you call it? Psychosomatic, yeah. But I feel like maybe the wife's dealing with me a little bit more often? Wow, so she's happy with that or not?

No, that's interesting never heard that before but it is true if you're safe easy, but also could be just that you're work You do always work out I always work out But I used to do like you know like the core and and the arms and chest, but I heard that you have to do the legs If you're gonna to make any progress. So I, now for third day, I do legs and I do feel a difference all around. That's so interesting. I haven't heard that, but that would totally matter. And I'm getting older now too. I'm over 40 now. So I got to, you know, take a cut. Did you see a birthday?

No, I was a bug. Okay. And so also the thing about this is the kind of like duty sex women are making things. So duty sex, that duty like a duty in the bathroom, like D U T Y. Oh D U T Y. Like it's a duty, oh we have to have sex and people always say I don't want to plan and planning sex is so lame but the truth is if you're not having sex, this way you know, like let's say you say Saturday night is date night and we're going to have sex this Saturday and then you know then you know that all week long you don't have to be

like oh he's going to come home and try to sex or she's gonna jump and you just know every Saturday we're doing it. And so if you kind of have this ritual of knowing that it's gonna happen, it'll get you into the mood of having sex even if you don't, like if you're waiting to feel it you might never have it but if you know you're gonna have it or you plan it, when she start doing it. I thought I've heard you say you're against appointment sex. No I'm not. I know. I'll get to point. And in fact, in theory, if I didn't know more about it, I would be, but since I've been doing this and I've talked to a lot of couples

and actually had a guy say to me once that, you know, I was a married man. He said, I was so against it. It seems so cheesy cliche. Like, well, my calendar is going to go to the gym, pick up drug cleaning, fuck your wife, you know, and he said, but the truth is, it takes the pressure off. I'm not trying. She's not, we know what's's happening on Saturday And maybe it happens more, but you know that's your night So if it works for people, I'm not gonna say no You know what I've noticed that if you do have sex, but you know, I'm still a newly wed So it's not like I have that much experience, but I've been with the same girl for a long long time And then notice that you know if sex happens before you guys like go out

It's usually a better time especially the lady seems to be much more Sex happens before you guys like go out. It's usually a better time. Especially the lady seems to be much more Attracted and happy and confident and comfortable. I think that's true because she had orgasm. She had a release Well, I don't bother with that, but I mean you know just the you don't bother with the orgasm The guard is talking to me. Oh, it takes a lot of work. Oh, oh, I don't know why because the guard sucks He doesn't understand how things work so So he said to me. Um, oh, what was I saying what we're saying? Oh that oh, yeah, it's true. I actually have had orgasms and I'm I was actually seeing a guy and we hadn't seen each other a long time and the last thing that I wanted was to have sex with him

I got was kind of over him and then we had sex and I was like had the orgasm I had because I even myself with all my sex toys and then we had sex and I was like at the org as I had because I even myself with all my sex toys and my all my sex talk. I've been stressed at times and not masturbated and I had sex for you know maybe a month or something which is probably the longest I've ever gone and the second I did have sex with this guy was like whoa I'm really into it. So I've heard just really like Dr. Drew was talking about and it sounded like witchcraft or magic but he was saying like the sweat like combines and creates is almost like this potion and like a pheromones and Sometimes it really does connect I create this like actual chemistry bond like a chemical bond between the two people

Oh, yeah, yeah, absolutely. That's crazy. What the sweat off your bodies and the pheromones That sweat and then it mixes up like some kind of like witches, witches potion. Yeah, fair moments are a real deal. It's true. So I think you should bang your wife on when you got it over a good time, right before you got it. Right before you go out and maybe you, if you can, even when you come back. Yeah, exactly.

And I was kidding. Of course, you know, you make everything happen for her. And then you take care of yourself. Took me 20 years to learn that, but that's what you do. Did she teach you that? No, she doesn't teach me anything. She's quite a girl. You know what's funny?

As I've heard the word, hormone, all my life, I've never broken it down, she doesn't teach me anything. She's quite girl. You know what's funny as I've heard the word hormone all my life? I've never broken it down where it's like hormone until just tonight on your show right now. But it's nothing to do with whining. I know, but they're kind of- But you're right, leave it there. We could do something fun with that. Hormones. Yeah, I wish it had something- We need her. I've never even thought about it that way, but it's not really out the go, but I think it's funny.

Okay, we can get into some emails, but first I'm going to give a shout out to some of our sponsors here, because we love them. I've got to tell you a little bit about, you know, we're talking about sex drive tonight, and so I'm going to talk to you about my spice and things up. No better way to do it than with a Emily and Tony massage candle. Right Anderson?

Okay, so a huge part of sexual razzle stems from desire, because women, they don't want to feel like they're like, a sex object, they want to feel romance. And that's where my Emily and Tony massage candles come in. People like, what the hell is a massage candle? Well, they're actually these beautiful or romotherapy candles that smell amazing. And so they get you, like sexy sense, they get you turned

on. It looks like a regular candle, so it's not even like every time you light it, you have to use it for a massage, however, when you do light it, it burns cooler, it's not even wax, it burns into, it's vegan, it burns into coconut oil, soybean oil, it's made out of all these natural ingredients, and it sets the mood. And then you say to your partner, hey babe, I know you've had a stressful day. Why don't I give you a massage? You blow it out and you pour it on your partner's body and you know you've used it.

It's a genius idea. I can't believe that these things haven't been around since like the 20s. Exactly. So I love that I meant it and people freak out. We've been emailing me. They said, well here's okay. Here's an email that's got from listener. My girlfriend was skeptical at first but agreed to try the warm, he said he bought the candle. He said, she agreed to try the warm oil on me first, gave me a backrop, then I was supercated and we had amazing sex.

She cannot stop talking about how good the candle smells and how great the massage oil feels. I am convinced that the scent and the candle helped us through some of the barriers to sex we have faced lately. So there you go. I created these candles so you can do the best sex of your life. Go to emilyantony.com. Use coupon code emily for 20% off.

That's emilyantony.com. It'll be a perfect product if you could somehow turn it into a birth control as well. You know what I mean? You massage, you bang, no baby, done. Exactly. That would be great. But you can't put it inside you bang no baby done exactly that would be great But you can put it inside you I want to do a lube can I shouldn't give my idea away But I want a lube can always I do that all the time a lube cam candle a lube candle Okay, I can know guys can masturbate with the candle

I can't insert so you could masturbate with the candle What happens if the old candle liquid goes in the You know, it's actually fine because it's all natural ingredients. It's vegan. Vegan. Yeah. Except for the beeswax parts, it doesn't really make it vegan, but the point is, all of our products are, is that it's just a little bit of the scent that we use. It could affect a woman's page balance, and you're not just about anything with a scent inside of a woman's vagina.

That makes sense. Yeah. You put a little scent in there. I'm sure the guys have been trying to beat off with candle wax for centuries. I know, and the freaking hurts. I bet it was probably awful for centuries. I know and the freaking hurts. It's not easy. But the thing you know, the candles are like moisturizing, they feel good.

So, all that stuff. So check it. Okay, so let's get into some emails. Let's go let's some time here. All right. This is about sex after baby. Hello Emily. I've been so bothered by my no partner sex life or lack of, that there are in the last six months.

I gave birth to her first child in March and he has not had the urge to touch me since. Sex has happened, maybe a handful of times, all initiated by me. He says, nothing's wrong and he's still attracted to me. For me, I just can't see how you don't want sex to the person you're supposed to love and be attracted to. I don't know what to do anymore. Myself is seeming confident and has flown out the window and in spite of me telling him how I feel, nothing has changed. What's going on here? This cannot be normal. Thanks for your help,

Nicole. So the deal, this is interesting because I often hear from men who say their wives don't want to have sex after childbirth, right? We hear this all the time in love line, but this isn't really as unusual as you might think. It could be, you know, a lot of guys, they observe their partner is giving birth to a baby and it could change the way they think about the baby. Some feel more connected to it and some might feel traumatized,

which is still why bringing the guy into the, you know, you see Madden, right? I don't want to ever see that. I never see that. If I had a baby, I would want my guy to be like, you know, outside smoking and cigar. It's gonna be the 50s again when I went my way. I know.

I just think that could happen sometimes. But also, the bottom line is, I don't know what is deal is that I'm gonna not even be it Nicole. Maybe he's more stressed about work or he's stressed about the baby crying and he's, I don't know what. But you have got to be honest with him about your feelings. And if you tell him, you know, that everything's fine, nothing's changed, it'll be okay, then he's going to think it's okay.

But you have to be really upfront about your needs and tell him that they're not being met. And you have to remind him that you are a sexual being on top of being the mother of his child. And maybe you could try, I don't know if he's just not in, I'm trying to see what you said if you're initiating it. It's all initiated by you. He still attracted to me.

He's not initiating it. So I feel in herself a scene, which you know her body's probably not back to normal, but I love that she's, you know, at least she's wanting to have sex. So you've got to do things. This is the kind of thing where it's great to start now because the more that you don't talk to them

about this, the worse it's going to get. They would say sex is not a problem in a relationship until it's a problem and then it takes over the entire relationship. It is a problem. So, you know, you have to remind, you know, I'm a sexual being, you know, I met with some mother, maybe you guys,

you might need a night away. And here's the thing, I know your kids only a few months old and this is another thing for couples that, all the time couples, like, oh, I have a six-year-old, I have an eight- eight-year-old we don't have sex and I can't have you guys ever had a night away together No, we never have I've ever had a vacation with that kids know Especially nowadays because people are so fucking paranoid. I know I know trust anybody It's all about the kids my my parents left us all the time. I was a stranger's all the time all the time probably did old I turn out okay. Well you did old. I think I might have come up we'll see how i don't know where they're talking

about all the uh... i'm fine i'm good uh... that's a very big how dare you people need to leave the kids strangers every now and then exactly they do and i think that it's just changed the way kids are so caught on these days and it's all about like the kids and not about the relationship and the truth is that kids watch their parents.

If their parents, they don't see their parents be affectionate and loving, that's gonna impact the kids. So people parents think that it's selfish if they take time for themselves and the kids. That's a really good point. You don't invest. What if we miss their first step? What if we, what if something happens?

They're gonna be fine, okay? My mom like practically tied the baby bottle to the crib and like went out, you know what I'm saying like both parents are angrily watching the first step angrily yeah exactly so I'm gonna do somewhere else so other say you guys have to build some communication around this and also another thing Nicole I don't know how it was before your marriage so I mean it's been six months and so I just gotta say that it's only happened a handful of times and so so maybe yeah, I think you guys gotta get out of your place. Maybe you gotta change after work again.

This might sound cliche, but put on some laundry, take a bath, like do something different, like make a dinner, get a babysitter to come over and leave that, you know, or take the kid to your mom's if she lives nearby. Just do something, set the mood, but talk to him about it and tell him that. And again, just like we started the show off saying like, you don't want to demand it, you don't want to be angry. You don't want to say, I need this for you because the second you tell them like, I need you to start, he's not going to hear you, right? When you demand sex, but there's a way to do it to say like, this is

how it makes me feel. I've always been and I initiate a lot. And I would love, it feels so good to me if you came home one day and just started kissing my neck or making out with me or whatever But not like in a mean angry way you're not mean angry, but you bring it up casually Don't you think that's much more effective than being angry? Yeah, you just let you got to let your your person know that It really is affecting you know if they actually do care and love you that they're gonna see that and they're gonna actually make a concerted effort to fix it Exactly before we move on I've had two separate friends, who had the identical issues with their wives after they had the baby.

And it was really weird. They both talking to me probably because I work on love line and they feel like I'm in the fight. Sometimes too much. I don't need to hear about sex life, but I heard all about it. Both these guys and their wives were freaks before the baby. Like really fucked up sex.

Like when I say that in the best possible sex. Right, like kinky crazy stuff. A lot of kinky shit, yeah. and then when she gave birth all of a sudden she became like mommy she became like oh my god that's my my child's mom and like this whole new like respect and like they didn't want to do anything that they used to be into but unfortunately that was the only way that they knew how to have sex so they couldn't even have normal sex and he didn't want to neither one of them want until like do the like the kids with mommy but they both didn't want to yeah they got over

and they got back to everything but it took time and I I don't even know how they did I mean I think it's that it shifts I think that it's funny because again my friend last night I was out he said to me you know what about the home of Don oh he got married and he said what about the home of dawn or thing he's one of these guys you know I he was married he's divorced he said I just can't imagine he's like I kind of she she became the mother my children and I just wasn't really I couldn't see my wife wanting to do all these crazy kinky things and I think that's really sad because I would have to be with someone who

still valued me as a mom could see me as a sexual being and then also the mother but I think some guys just can't separate that was at the issue with your friends they was at two both of them yeah both of them exact so I think that again you got you know yeah I think that this is a they just need to some dialogue around it so you know it can't I don't know how you change that you're wired but you got to like work on it. And I think you gotta show them, like remind them what you were before the baby. And that's when you go back to the cliche

with like night out or lingerie. Lunge, lingerie, get a blindfold, get a sex toy. Lunge, you're a little bit more. Because now you're like two different people almost. And they're in your life. You're girlfriend, wife, and then now mommy to my child, which is kind of freaky. Exactly. So get some candles, get some eminute,

and massage candles, have the atmosphere, it comes home, you're wearing lingerie, you're wearing heels, you give them lingerie, you're wearing heels, give them a massage, you want them up, and you do your kinky crazy stuff. Have you had them? I can't imagine that. I just have them in a cage,

just like seeing the boobs and all of a sudden it's like a food source for like the thing that I love the most, and now I wanna, I don't wanna like, you better think this to those. Well I did it, see you, it'd be hard. You must be kept pristine. You're not gonna have kids, are you? So the baby, aren't thinking about it.

Are you? Thinking about it, adopting or having, we never tried, so we? So the baby. Aren't thinking about it. Are you? Thinking about it like doptian or happy. We have never tried, so we might. Really? Okay. Well, busy people, busy people. But you've Stanley.

Stanley's a dog and he's going to die. I know. Okay. Okay. Hello Emily, my boyfriend I have been together for two and a half years. The first year was filled with wonderful sex. Anywhere and anytime. It didn't matter.

About a year ago, I started some new medication which really stopped my appetite for sex. Now a year later my appetite is finally back but I feel like my boyfriend's gone. It almost feels like if I'm not in thigh eyes and a plaid skirt he doesn't want me. I have tried to plan sex slowly lead him into it and walk around naked to get him turned on but nothing. I even tried to get him to go out and buy a new toy with me and he just didn't seem interested. I love dressing up but sometimes I just want to be taken care of. We used to be so kinky this is exactly what we were talking about but in these days we

have dominant but now all the lust has gone away. I don't know what to do. Please help Lindsey C. Okay so first of all I'm really glad that you got your sex drive back and you take control of the situation because a lot of time women go on meds and they don't realize what it is. You mentioned that you've done all these things like to try to get them out of the situation because a lot of time women go on meds and they don't realize what it is. You mentioned that you've done all these things like to try to get them out of the show, but if you actually talk to them about it, you actually said, hey, what's going on with

you? Why aren't you wanting to have sex anymore? Do I really need to be wearing the plants? Because this is like the opposite situation that she feels like she's got to pull out all the bells and whistles or he won't have sex with her. And now after two and a half years, I understand that the sex life, you know, might take a little more work, but maybe you guys can get into something new together. So watch some porn together, go, you know, read erotica, sex toi shopping. I mean, you've got to communicate your needs to limb, let them know that you've been there

with that wine of sex because you've overcome this. And if you don't willing to communicate, I always say, you know, counseling. I believe that every couple needs counseling. Two or a half years. Other kids? Not yet. But maybe it's just the end of the relationship. Well, maybe it's the end of the relationship.

Right. Of course. Yeah, that's true. Two and a half years, first year wonderful sex doesn't matter. Okay, medication, here's the thing. Yeah, I guess not. I guess you know what? If you, if, if you talked to about this sex, doesn't matter, okay medication, here's the thing. Yeah, I guess not. I guess you know what, if you talk to him about this and it doesn't change, this is my problem.

This is what I got to tell everyone, is that you guys gotta set time limits on this stuff, because these are the kind of problems that could go on for years and years, and like two years for now, you could be like looking back and going, yeah, this is going on for two years. Do you really wanna waste two years of your life waiting for him to start banging you

again just the way you liked it and having sex? No, you don't. So what you need to do right now, Lindsay, is put a note in your calendar, whatever today's date is, and then three months from now, put, say, you know, call it D-Day, whatever. And then say, in these three months, in these next three months, this is what I want to happen with our sex life. You just sit be your own personal thing, like write down what the picture of your perfect sex life would be to you.

And then do everything you can in your power to make sure that you get that by communicating with him, by doing whatever the hell it is. And if it doesn't change at the time and you believe that you've done everything you can, and he's tried and you've tried, it might be time to end the relationship.

Call it Break Up Day, have a big star. Yeah, no, I did this. I love the idea of him coming over to your house so and seeing like it says Break Up Day on the 21st. Well, don't do that. What's this Break Up Day all about? No, I would just leave it on your own personal calendar, but no, I actually the same friend

that I started out with talking about in the show is that I was dating this guy years ago, and I, probably 10 years ago. One. Not Mark, no, that was long ago guy years ago and I um five ten years ago. It was more. Not Mark. No, that was long ago. That was even longer ago. Longer ago. What for more many more years ago. It was when you're in high school. It was like five years ago. Exactly. Five years ago. So this was actually seven years ago when I was in my twenties and he, no, he was um I was I was dating for two and a half

years and I complained a lot about him and she finally said to me, you know what? I'm sick and I, okay, well she loves me but in in a loving way, you've been saying this for a long time now. Let me just be honest with you, I mean, and so we set a date on the calendar and it was like December 15th. And so in my mind, I got into this, like, I have a deadline and we were together a long time, he wanted to move in. I'm like, so I got, we went to therapy, which was, you know, I've always been pro therapy. Like I've been in in therapy since I was, my parents like threw me in therapy, like, when I was like, there was born, I swear to God. So we went to therapy and the couple, it was great because we worked out all these things

and I was able to say things to them in therapy and said, I wanted to work on them. We really tried. And so I made this effort and the day came and I dumped them because things didn't really change. And I had this day and I know it could have gone on for another freaking time. I'd be married to him now miserable. So I'm saying he will pay attention to these problems wherever he is and start working on it.

This is sobering thought, but have they done a study on how many, like the percentage of couples that are actually happy? Married or unmarried? I mean, I would, if I had to guess, I would say the majority of people that are together right now are not happy and should maybe move on.

I mean, I don't want, yeah, it's so hard to measure. I would say that I mean 50% of marriages and in divorce. But even before marriages like this girl, like complacency is so easy to settle in. Exactly. I know. It is so easy. I probably spent eight years in the wrong relationships. On me too. We all know. I could have had sex with so many other girls if I didn't waste my time for those eight years in the wrong relationships. I called it a day. Only two, we all know. I could have had sex with so many other girls if I didn't waste my time for those eight years.

That's why I don't commit now unless I'm a hundred percent sure and it's been a really long time since I've committed because I'm so tired of wasting time because we all commit what happens is, you're having the best sex, you're like, of course sex is amazing. I could have sex, amazing sex with this

freaking microphone for the next nine months. Yeah, I probably could. I mean, we would have a great time together, take it out, it's very phallic shape. I love it. Oh my god. Make out. Blow jobs.

Don't think. I mean, you know, it's from one episode. And then after nine months, I'd be like, ah, not so much. But maybe we'll go back to that time when things were so romantic and passionate. But people start having sex and they don't think there's any problems in the world. And then the sex dies. And then they're scrambling.

And they start to look at each other and they're like, oh, can we get back to that? And so that's why you need to constantly be like taking a look at your relationship, start talking about the sex like early on, like, are you getting your needs met or whatever, and like just don't waste your life and you're like, it's actually your 20s. You don't need like an opposite sex roommate, you know? No. Who you used to be. Exactly.

You do not need a roommate that you used to be. Then you gotta keep down, you gotta split everything up's pain in the ass. Don't rush into it. Go out and get some strange. Get some strange. Yeah. Wait till you're 30 to get married at that. And then you know yourself better anyway. Do you time for one more? Yeah. Let's do it. One more. Okay. Okay. I'm going to find a good one here. Not that there aren't all good, but here we go. This is from a guy. Here we go. From a dude.

From a dude. OK, I'm a 20 Emily. I'm a 23 year old boy. Crazy. Wait, I don't get this because it's signed. OK, got it. Sorry. Emily, I'm a 23 year old boy crazy.

It's from a woman. I'm a 23 year old boy crazy and a sexual female. I. I'm a 23 year old boy crazy and a sexual female. I've always been strictly, dickly, but I have a little secret. I've always been more interested in lesbian porn rather than straight. I've been in a relationship for over three years now and I feel like I'm hiding something from my man as he has no idea when I masturbate or watch porn. But this is my preference. Although I'm sure vagina is definitely not for me,

is this abnormal? Furthermore, am I keeping a secret that could be destructive? Can't wait to hear from you. Thank you, Donna. Donna, you are totally in the norm here. I'm telling you, most women, many women masturbate to female to lesbian porn and get some turned on. I'd say even more so than not, that's what they prefer.

And the thing about female, I mean, I'd say even more so than not, that's what they prefer. And the thing about female sex, I mean, I doubt that your straight boyfriend is masturbating to homosexual porn, but female sexuality is so fluid, like if you look at the Kinsey spectrum, you know, women are just more fluid and open about their sexuality and they experience more rousal

from a much wider range of stimuli than men do, right? So you're not concerned about how to have a sexual porn, but women do. And so, you're not concerned about how to have a sexual porn, but women do. And so, a lot of women are just as aroused by watching females, you know, as they're watching men. So, the fact that your boyfriend doesn't know, first of all, there's nothing wrong with you masturbating to porn, and I don't think you should be ashamed or embarrassed at all. I mean, and I'm wondering what you're worried about.

Are you afraid that he's going to judge you and he's going to think this is bad? In fact, he's probably going to think it's really hot and want to watch, I would think, right? Or, you know, I don't think that he would be upset. I think you'd be very surprised that the fact that you master bet and the fact that you're a sexual being and you're taking care of yourself, you would probably find it really hot. And mutual masturbation is one of my favorite tips for couples because you guys can watch prom together. You can masturbate, you can watch how you get off, you watch how you get off and it's like fun for the whole family. So I say, don't fun for both of you.

I'm just, you know, the saying. I'm from a nuclear family, my children. I'm from the nuclear, the two of you. But I really think that you guys can watch it together and it's funny that there is all this shame that a lot of women have and men around sex and around their desires and their fantasies. And just because let me tell you something, but you're also, it's very common, Donna. It's common that you would masturbate to something that you absolutely have no interest in trying, that you want to go nowhere near a female vagina.

That is a female vagina, as opposed to a male vagina. You want to go near a vagina? Totally normal, that what turned you on is it necessary something that you want to gain, so I think it's really common and good for you from masturbating and finding what makes you all hot and bothered. I love it. So that's what we have time for today, Anderson. I liked it. It was a fantastic show. I enjoyed that one. It's because of you. A lot. Really? How come? I don't know. I feel like you were very concise and we got to like three things and just stuck with them and you got some good stuff.

I'm not usually so linear. You're pretty linear right now. It's going on, you're drinking tea. No, and I'm so freaking tired only at three hours of sleep and I was afraid that I wasn't gonna be as linear tonight. So don't get me wrong, the reasons why I love you so much is because you're all over the place.

And I think we were especially in today's day and age with like all the things going on and everyone's on their Twitter and on stop and Facebook. I think that these kinds of shows and people like you and I who are scatterbrain are really good. I think that people actually tune into that if that makes sense. Yeah, I get it. But it's nice every now and again to be the linear as well. Yeah, I try. Well, I didn't even try. So that's funny because I for us sleep. Anyway, okay, so Anderson and what's going on with

your podcast? I don't even remember what we did. What do we do? I don't know. Everyone's just it was good. Good episode. The top five bullies in film history. going on with your podcast this week. Film vaults and I don't even remember what we did. What do we do? I don't know, everyone's just... It was good episode. Top five bullies in film history. It was pretty good one. Okay, yeah. Everyone, to check it out, thank you Anderson and thanks everyone for listening to Sex with

Emily. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithamlee.com So everyone, thanks for listening to the show and I know you got some good tips about keeping your sex life alive. Well, here's another one. You got to buy the fleshlight. It is the number one sex toy for men.

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