Sex With Emily - How to Be Happy w/ Dr. Amen

Episode Date: March 10, 2021

What if being happy was a moral obligation, like voting and recycling? Would you take steps to be happier? Today, I’m joined by brain health expert, and New York Times best-selling author Dr. Daniel Amen to talk about how our thinking patterns shape our lives in and outside of the bedroom. We discuss the ways stress affects your sexual performance, give tips to combat your automatic negative thoughts (ANTS), and discuss his new book Your Brain is Always Listening.We answer a question from a habitual cheater on how to break the cycle and discuss how Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) can get in the way of your orgasm. I also answer your Rapid Fire questions covering everything from tips for hotter shower sex to bring up your kink to a partner.Show notes:Find out which dragons you have here: KnowYourDragons.comOrder Dr. Amen’s latest book Your Brain Is Always Listening here: YourBrainIsAlwaysListening.comFor more information about Dr. Daniel Amen, visit: danielamenmd.comFor even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

No matter what situation you're in, you can still train your mind to look for what's right, rather than just focus on what's wrong. Because happiness is a moral obligation. Wrap your mind around. I just blew my mind. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Betrubize they call them in a fight on day. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. I'm joined by psychiatrist, brain health expert, and New York Times best-selling author, Dr. Daniel A. M.M.D. to talk about how our thinking patterns shape our lives in and outside of the bedroom. We discuss the way stress

affects your sexual performance, give tips to combat your automatic negative thoughts or ants, and discuss Dr. Amin's new book, Your Brain is Always Listening. We also answer a question from a habitual cheater on how to break out of that cycle and discuss how ADD or attention deficit disorder can get in the way of your orgasm. Then I answer rapid fire questions covering everything from tips for how to shower sex to first-time vibrator recommendations. Intention with Emily for each show, join me in sending an intention. What do you want to get out of the episode? I do it, I encourage you to do it. So maybe it's, oh yeah, I want to stop being hard on myself and control my negative thoughts. My intention is for you to recognize how your brain health could be impacting your sexual health.

All right, everyone. Enjoy the show. So we're here to talk about your new book. Your brain is always listening. Tame the hidden dragons at control. Your happiness, habits, and hang-ups. I devoured this book. I saw myself in so many of these dragons. So first let's just talk about the book and then we can talk about identifying our dragons. Tell me about it. Well, you know, I actually wrote this identifying our dragons. Tell me about it. You know, I actually wrote this before the pandemic. I was just finishing it as the pandemic started and went back and revised it because the pandemic is spawning, the whole new level of dragons breathing fire on our emotional brain. So the idea is your brain is always listening to the

dragons from the past, from the baydem and other dragons. You know, it's people alive and dead that your brain is still listening to, like I still listen to my grandfather who died 30 years ago, I still listen. And it's not a psychotic process. But I still hear his voice in my brain and my dad and their birth order and sibling dragons. Your brain is always listening to your habits. What you do day in and day out, there's a whole chapter on the scheming dragons, which is it's listening to the news,

it's listening to the food pushers who try to sell you cheeseburgers with half naked women. And so I really just wanted to teach people your brain is always listening. Here are the influences you get to control. Right. huge fans of you know people getting into therapy and examining their history and their background and you know so people just don't want to look at oh my childhood was perfect or i have it all figured out but the fact that you were able to share that your birth order hits such an impact or the way your brother your older brother bullied you or your dad you know you weren't the first born so you definitely want't you know the preferred child like I think that when people read your book they're really going to see parts of themselves in all of these dragons and it's not a bad thing either right like we we're gonna have struggles in our lives but when you're able to kind of flip it you know like you you're able to look at like shaming for example like if we put the shaming dragon about how we all have shame

but you even have the show some positive sides to it How we cope with it. I love that you have affirmations. I love that you have the movies that if you identify this dragon These are the movies you're gonna watch and then you have the meditation self heal with it And I'm gonna use this book as a guide to just flip up and like I have a friend who's going through a grieving process right now So I've been trying to help her and I was like, okay I literally looked at your grieving chapter. And I like sent it to her. I was like, these might be some helpful affirmations.

So I really think that this is going to be such a great book for people just to have, to open to whatever you're struggling with. Shame or grief or judgment or all of them are in here. So it's really well done. Thank you. Great resource. Well, thank you, my friend. It's a very personal book. But I found the older I got,

that those are actually more meaningful when people can relate to you as a fellow traveler along the road. And if they can get inside in my head in a more real way, like my primary dragon is the abandoned invisible and insignificant dragon, came from my childhood. So, I spent my whole life working to be significant. And sometimes it causes you to overwork or overattach to the work you do at the expense of important relationships. And so if you know it, so yes, there's an upside to that dragon.

And it's caused me to do really good work for people, but I have to be careful with it. And see myself as special. And ultimately, the story turns out great because, and my dad was harsh. I think a lot of people have harsh fathers, but the last five years of his life, he did everything I asked him to do and got well and turned out to be my best friend. Yeah, I mean, that was such a beautiful story that you were able to say, you said that I should visit my dad,

I should visit my dad, and then you said I get to visit him, or I want to visit him. And it's such that reframing of language that is so helpful, I often try to remember that, like don't shoot all over yourself, you know, but I get to, I get to, and so that was really helpful. And then the other thing I want to say, going back to, you know, but I get to, I get to, and so that was really helpful.

And then the other thing I want to say, going back to, you set me a dragon quiz. And I think first off, it is so well done. I enjoyed taking your quiz, and we're gonna put in the show notes where people can take the quiz. But we have the same primary dragon, because mine is also abandoned, invisible,

or insignificant dragon. And then I go to the inferior or flawed dragon, or these in order of our dragons. I'm the anxious dragon. But I think the shudder shaming dragon, and I guess I mean, there's so much fun back here, like how we've both individually handled it, abandoned invisible and significant.

So imagine when you're in a relationship with someone, and the average number of dragons people have is six. Oh, okay So Tana actually has ten Tana. We love Tana. Okay So if you have a lot it just means there's good work to do but imagine your Dragons interacting with your partner's dragons or your children's dragons or your own parents dragons. And so it causes you to be kinder. I had my whole executive team take the dragon quiz. And I just it just just knowing each other's dragons helped us to not wake them up, you know, not,

have not to trigger each other. I'm upset. Yeah. Is there a common dragon that most people that you find like, that's more predominant? Most people, the most common dragon is the angstress dragon. The anxious dragon, okay. By far, 30% of the population before the pandemic struggled with significant symptoms of anxiety. Now that's more than half the population. Wow. And in the

dragon quiz takers it's like 65% of them have the anxious dragon. The responsible dragon is also very high. That's the codependent drive. It's growing up, you worried about someone and you wanted to take care of them, but struggled. And so you end up taking care of people, but sometimes to their detriment, where you can actually create codependence when really the best strategy is helping people take care of their own ones and not making them dependent on you. I felt that the co-depended dragon is a person who is always helping and they always feel drained because they've done so much for people and then they start to resent them because of that.

That's a really tough one too. You have great affirmations in there for dealing with it, so you can kind of reset, because it's just something that it becomes your way of being and how you get love, but ultimately it's detrimental, truly. I guess they all are right to the extremes of all of them. They can cause great emotional pain. I think the most interesting of all the dragons, I actually have him with me, the ancestral dragon. And this is where the issues you have, they're not your issues. You got them from your grandmother, your great uncle, or your dad. Forks, I tell the story in the book of my grandfather, who immigrated from the Middle East as a teenager

and when he was 19, his brother was killed when his car collided with the train. And my grandfather never drove. And my grandfather was angry at his sister who loaned his brother the car. And that level of angst and anger and unhappiness and anxiety was in my grandfather before he made my dad. So it actually was written in his epigenetic code. And as a child, I was anxious all the time. Now, yes, I have no other brother who was beating me up and I wet my bed and so those didn't help. But I just have this sense that my grandfather's unresolved anxiety and grief impacted my nervous system. And I think it's really important for everybody to know their family history. Yes.

And before my dad died last year, I spent a lot of time just talking to him about his childhood and about his mom and about his dad. And you know, it's a scar at risk. I like doing that. Right. We're talking about epigenetics. How like each generation they say, I heard certain things transfer. Like I say seven or eight generations, like perhaps if you were at incest or rape in your family or trauma, it carries on for that many generations And so you said you spent time with your dad understanding it

I was thinking I've got my 23 and me test sitting here. I haven't taken it yet I've this that what we're talking about is kind of understanding where you came from and then having talks with your family to understand Understand the story and just know if you're struggling with something it might not be yours It might be your carrying the burden from another generation. Or you may be carrying the strength from another generation because both good and bad get ridden in our genetic code. How do we deal with it then? So how would you say we kind of work on that? Because it's not ours, but it's in us.

Well owning what's yours and blessing and sending on what's not yours is just free. So I think the knowledge and there's this section in the book on how to rewrite your story because the dragons create the stories we tell ourselves, but you and I love to create content. Well, you can create a different ending. Where you bring your attention will determine how you feel. I think it's just one of the most powerful things I've ever heard. Where I focus will determine how I feel and if I focus on, feel. You know, I think it's just one of the most powerful things I've ever heard, where I focus will determine how I feel and if I focus on being a failure or I focus on being

less than, I'm going to feel bad. But I focus on where I want to go, I'm going to feel more hopeful. It's such good advice because I spend a lot of time. I think a lot of us do on what could have been or what's wrong or the negative thoughts. That's a big one for me too. So that's why I quote you on your ants all the time, automatic negative thoughts. What helps me too is just having notes in my phone too, you actually gave me some great new affirmations to put in. Like when I do my meditations in the morning, I often have statements that I'll say. And it's, there's such people might be here and this ago that so woo, woo, and then you want me to light some incense and do, yeah, I actually do

want, why don't you do some of this work because if you're the only one who's left in charge programming your brain, you're the one who's saying all the negative thoughts and that's all that you're hearing all day, it would be great for you to have something just to turn to when you're phone, like I have a note page of just the things that you want to replace it with. And I love expanding that with writing your own story. Like what is your reality? Where do you want to go? And you train your mind and often negative thinking is a bad habit. And it's just sort of the habit that you grew up with. You have a negative mom or a negative habit. And it's just sort of the habit that you

grew up in. We had a negative mom or a negative dad or you didn't have the right guidance. And so you allowed your brain to go to a dark place. And then it does, your brain does what you teach it to do. And there's a whole chapter on a whole section of the book on the bad habit dragons and how to rewire your brain. Negativity is one of the worst bad habit. In the hopeless and helpless dragon section, I talk about something I love called positivity bias training. Okay, let's talk about it. We do start Start every day with today is going to be a great day. And that way your mind will start looking for what's right, rather than what's wrong.

And then before you go to bed at night, go what went well today? And write it out. Just find three things that went well. And I love that exercise so much that I turn it every night into a treasure hunt. And so I put myself to sleep starting at the beginning of the day, go, so what went well to that. And all days for everybody is filled with good things and bad things. But don't put yourself to bed with the worries because it'll mess up your dreams and it'll mess up your sleep.

And so I even look for the micro moments. I figured out how to make brain healthy hot chocolate and just the first taste. I'm so happy with myself. Always one of my micro moments. But it could be looking in tantas eyes. It could be having an interesting conversation with one of the kids. You know, it's the day to day stuff that you appreciate. And let me tell you how powerful this could be. So May 5th last year, I lost my dad. And you know, he's obviously a central figure. He shows up in a lot of my boss. And it was just the worst day. And part of it was COVID. And when I went to bed that night, because it's my habit. So this is the point. We do things that we allow ourselves to do. And I went to bed. And I set a

prayer, and then I went, what went well today. And then the other part of my brain, and we all have it. I actually give my mind a name. Hermi, after my raccoon when I was 16, Hermi holds up the sign. Like, seriously, you're going to talk about what went well today. You obviously didn't love your father, your terrible human being. And but then because it's my habit, I went to an interaction between my mother and the police officer, quite honestly, was hysterical,

that even after this horrible thing happened, the police officer said, Mrs. Aiman, we have to do an investigation because someone died at home. And she looked at him with a straight face, even though I knew she was kidding. And she said, do you think I was having an affair? My 89 year old mother.

Do you think I had him murdered? And it was a storm. And then I remember the hundreds of texts I got from my friends found out. And then I remember sitting with him before they took him away and holding his hand. I just remember how soft his hand was. And then I went sleep. So no matter what the situation you're in, you can still train your mind to look for what's right rather than just focus on what's wrong. And that's not a bad thing because happiness

is a moral obligation. Now, wrap your mind around. I just, my mind just blooms. I just do my mind. The moral obligation, if you've ever been raised by an unhappy mother or been around an unhappy coworker. You know the devastation that causes. So it is incumbent upon us to work on the negative thoughts because they're contagious. Relic. Wow, that's so powerful.

I mean, I always say pleasure is our birthright, but being happy and controlling your negative thoughts is just like it's our duty. If we want to be good partners, good lovers, good citizens. Yeah, and our sex organs work so much better when they're not stressed. I mean, you know that when your stress did negatively impacts blood flow. And it gets us distracted. And I'm working on a new study you'll love

the unhappiness and the brain. Your brain is healthy. You're way more likely to be happy. And, you know, we often, you and I went on your show, we talk about blood flow and whatever's good, hard is good for your brain is good for your genitals. Well, it's good for your level of happiness that the better blood flow, especially to the front part of your brain and your emotional brain, the better blood flow, the happier you are, which I think is so interesting. So sugar is not an age, their happiness, the sugar lowers blood flow to the brain. Yeah. You've helped me realize the power of movement and exercise and dance and doing other kinds

of things to stimulate the blood flow in my brain. And I just look at it so differently right now. I mean, everything, because it's probably been about a year, right? Since we've been doing it, and it's just so, we just don't think about, we don't, you know. You're right, we don't think about the brain, which is sort of insane, right? It's insane.

It's insane, because your brain controls absolutely everything you do. And when it works right, you work right. And we always think of people in four big circles. So what's the biology? That's why we looked at your brain. And if I don't look, how do I know? And psychiatrists all around the world

are giving people drugs without ever looking at the organ-nate treat. No other medical doctor has. That's what shocked me. And so learning how to control those negative thoughts, because even someone like myself who knows that that is probably my biggest challenge is that I just go to the negative. My team, my staff knows it. I'm like, this is wrong. I immediately see what's wrong. And so I have to work on that as well. But if I'm doing it to them, I know

that I still do it to myself, even with meditation and journaling. But I don't think I have a habit, because I know it takes, how, if they take 21 days to have a habit because I know it takes how it takes 21 days to build a habit I think sometimes it's for me it's about 40 days But to have that exercise at night even when your father died to be able to flip it is so helpful Like I actually want to do that tonight. I want to start that for real because I have journals everywhere I often just don't stick with it starting new habits But so I'm wondering if someone's just like hearing about this right now, like where could they even start? Three things. And you know, I've been working with BJ Fogg, Stanford, the persuasive tech lab on how people change and he's like, make it small.

Right. So on the top of your to-do list every day, just right, today is going to be a great day. So if you forget to say it when your feet hit the floor in the morning, it's as soon as you're looking at something, look, today is going to be a great day. And for those of you that have children, do it at breakfast, you know, go with the kids. So why is your day going to be a great day?

That's great. Set it with your kids too. Yeah. First thing. And as you go through your day and, you know, her me for me, when your mind goes up with the negative signs, just go, well, is it true? If you could just keep those three words with you, right? So these are all three second habits. Today is going to be a great day.

Is it true? So I get the thought, oh. Today is going to be a great day. Is it true? So I get the thought, oh, you're a bad son because you're going to look at what went right on the day your dad died. Is that true? It's like, no, I loved my dad. And he loved me. I'm not a bad son. So it's a lie. And I want to tell myself the truth, right? It's never really about positive thinking for me. It's about accurate thinking, accurate thinking, and habits. Before you go to bed, what went well today? And you'll just notice your better boss, your better partner, and you like yourself more when you are training. And you know, you and I both want to be physically healthy right workout try to eat right

you can't do that once right people who come to see me sometimes it's like well they don't feel better the first time they don't come back because they just expect like mayor right and so I work on it every day every day why shouldn't we be working on our minds every day? If you want to be physically healthy, you have to eat right most of the time. If you want to be mentally healthy, you have to think right most of the time. And it's a practice. So if you have a diet of negative thoughts, you're gonna have the consequences of that. Like if you have a diet of fast food.

You're gonna have a fast food of mine. Right, God. And you would have was thinking about is that how people sometimes say to me, oh, I tried therapy, it didn't work. But did you go for a year and commit every week? Oh, I went three times, I didn't like it. So it's just like people saying, yeah,

I go to the gym, yeah, once a year, you're not gonna have the abs that you want, I suppose, or the health. Let's take a quick break, but when we come back, Dr. Aiman and I will answer a question from Ryan who's wondering why he's had such a strong urge to cheat. Dr. Aiman, will you help me answer a few emails from our listeners? Questions? Anything you want. Okay. I love it.

All right. This is from Ryan. Hi Dr. Emily. I've talked with the counselor before, but they only came with ideas that I had somehow been scared of childhood or had a family member influence me in a negative way. But the issue is, I cheat. Mainly, I have several women I start to sleep with at the same time and then a relationship solely forms with one but I don't end it with any of the others.

So this last time, I started to see a therapist and ended up working through things with my girlfriend and we got back together. It's been over a year and I haven't cheated but it's a struggle daily. I would compare the urge to what I would imagine a drug addict would have if he went too long without a fix. I find myself yearning for more kinky stuff. I don't have it with my partner, but I don't want to bring it up because she gets mad that I watch porn from time to time. I'm not sure what to do. I can give you more information if you need it. I'm trying to give you a little intro. Let me know if you can help. So this is a combination of like having the impulse to cheat an addiction. It truly is. You know, he went to a counselor who said, oh, it's a scared childhood, but he's not giving

him steps. And what I'm thinking about is maybe your addiction dragon or helping him with some of this pattern and just thinking like, what are the small steps? Because it's his brain that's telling him, this is a struggle. I want something else I can't have. Sex addiction is real. And odds are are I'm just thinking of the story I did with Dr. Phil on compulsive cheaters and Jose who I evaluated cheated on his wife eight times and four years that we know him.

I thought we know about right. His wife had a gun and was going to kill. And so I made a great Dr. Phil. Great Dr. Phil, yeah. And so I saw Jose and he had damage to his final looks. And he played football in high school in college. He was a mixed martial artist. He used to have a party trick of breaking beer bottles with his forehead.

He could like, boom, break the bottle in sync. And when we fixed his brain, he did so much better. We had all these tattoos on him. He tattooed on his forearm, then what? If I do this, then what happened? So consequences. Because his goal was to be married. He didn't want his daughter to be raised

in a broken home like he was, because his dad was to be married. He didn't want his daughter to be raised in a broken home like he was, because his dad was a cheater. So there were brain issues, there were social modeling issues, and he also had the inferior and flawed dragon. And so he used the affairs to tame the inferior flawed dragon and created the angry dragon is what? Right. But now, this was 10 years ago.

They're married. He's not cheating. And he went back to school and now he's a nurse anesthetist. I'm so proud of him. Wow. So with Ryan, do you think it's similar than like he, and this is what it is because I used to be a cheater. I don't know if I've told you this, but I've told my listeners this.

I mean, like years ago, I would, I kept finding myself like in my 20s, I would just cheat. And I never got caught that I didn't have consequences, but I just knew I'm like, this doesn't seem right to me. I don't want to be this person. And then I realized that for me,

a lot of it was about wanting to get the attention and feel more significant or feel desired and wanted. Because it was just like a fix, right? Oh, this person wants me, and maybe things got hard in my relationship. So with Ryan, I mean, it's like, he's getting somewhere, and I love that he's seeing a therapist,

but he's kind of saying it's a daily struggle. So would you say like the microchange here would be, or the little mini habit could be thinking about, and that like, what does he want? Because he's saying he wants to get married, or he wants to in his relationship and he's gone a year so far which is pretty good if you're talking about, you know, if not cheating but like is there a practice maybe thinking of writing his story of what he wants. And when your frontal lobes are sleepy it's hard to control your impulses even though you want to. And so first thing to do is what do you want?

Write it down. Like if you want a kind, caring, loving, supportive, passionate relationship, well, you know cheating isn't going to get you, right? So that's what your frontal lobes do. It creates goals, and then it matches your behavior consistently over time to get them. And so the little habit is, does it fit?

Does my behavior fit the goals I have? So not what you should do, not what somebody else thinks you should do. Well, what do you want? And if you want a kind, caring, loving, supportive, passionate relationship, you cheat, you're going to blow that up. Because if your frontal lobes are sleeping, we'll get caught. Mine were sleepy. You told me that.

Mine were sleepy when I came to see you, but I don't think they're sleepy anymore. So it's exciting for you. And nobody knows it, right? I mean, when you're really bright, like, you're really bright. You come up with all sorts of explanations about your behavior, they may have nothing to do with the truth, because no one's ever looked at your brand. People with sleepy frontal lobes can be drama, driven, excitement, seeking, negative seeking. I think maybe we talked about that. I never thought of it that way that the negative was like, I have to beat myself up to get myself

to do something, and it never made sense to me. Why? Why was like, I have to beat myself up to get myself to do something. And it never made sense to me. Why? Why could I just be nice to myself? But it's because it was an intense reaction. It was like, it made me so, I was making myself so caught up in it that I had to act. And that's so common. Like kids who have ADD, if they have a bad morning at home, which made mom

yell on the thumb a lot, they have a good day at school. But if they have a good morning at home, which means mom's yelling at them a lot, they have a good day at school. But if they have a good morning at home, like there's a lot of kindness and sweetness and cooperation, they often have a bad day at school. So they are actually using mom's anger is a little bit of riddle and that's a bad thing. Oh my god, I never thought that that's stunning to me that fact, that is that make and That makes so much sense. We've also gotten questions lately because I mentioned on the show recently that I had ADD.

I've mentioned I had ADD and it was like a throwaway comment. But you are also the leading, I believe ADD expert in the country. I had first read about your clinics in the 90s and I was like, I want you to just check in and live there if you can help me with this ADD. And so what about ADD in relationship? So there are any just like a few things we could talk about or how it comes up in like a romantic partnership? Because it's often the missing link to what all struggles so much. It's so common. And you know, you know, you know, you have ADD short attention span, but not for everything. It's short attention span for regular routine every day thing.

Homework, paperwork, short, routine stuff. For things that are new, novel, highly stimulating, interesting, or frightening, people that ADV pay attention. Just fine, because they have their own intrinsic dopamine. But short attention span for routine things easily distracted, tend to be disorganized for time and space, procrastinations, their middle name, they put things off, put things off, and impulsivity, and sometimes restlessness. Now, all of us have some of those, everyone's in a while. People have ADD, have them all the time.

And in relationships, initially people are drawn to them because of their spontaneity, but over time, the unpredictability grates on them. And I must say this five times, please, please don't say everything you say. Well, it just gets out. Staff it. Oh, super, super, vice, don't say because I don't want to forget. So here's everything. Yeah. Right.

And it's always good to filter it with will this bring me closer to my partner or will it or find my partner? So having a filter is a good thing. And when it comes to sex, this is very important. Tell me, yeah. You're very talk about this. But after I treat women for ADD, when they come back, they have this smile on their face. And I know what it means. It means they can have an orgasm.

Mm. As women with untreated ADD, what is an orgasm required? It requires focus. You have to pay attention to the feeling long enough to make it happen. But if your brain is all over the place and many people with ADD are hyper sensitive to the environment, their senses are heightened, but they were too much, they see too much,

they feel too much, my first wife had ADD. And I just thought she didn't like me. I mean, I don't think she really liked that much. And Jenny, but it was really hard. And many ADD women, they have to sleep with white noise. I do. Always. You know, I'm the winner, the fan.

Mm. Yeah. White noise. And even when I'm home and there's no, I listen, I have my headphones on. Even when I'm reading at home and there's no one here, like I have to block out everything to focus.

Yeah, so classic. And sense is like, I can't wear wool. Like if it's anything, it just me, I'm actually uncomfortable since I was like five. I'm like, mom, take off the tags, you know? Of ADD. Because they were just, from the time they were little, they were taking their clothes off. Yes. You know, scenes would bother them.

And then when we treat them, you know, with a little bit of a stimulant, they can focus and their sex lives are better. That's happened to me exactly. I couldn't focus. You're like, oh, that feels good. But look, who's someone coming in the door? What a wavonitch.

Oh, do I look? It's true. It is focused. I thought you were going to say also letting go, but we're pretty good at letting it, because that's also an ingredient to orgasm, but focus being able to breathe. That's why breath is so important for me, for orgasm and for everything. It sort of redirects when I remember to take a deep breath. It just sort of stops my thoughts.

There's a specific breathing pattern I want you to try. Okay. Three seconds in. Hold it for a second. Six seconds out. So big breath. Hold it. And then six seconds out. Then hold it out for a second. Repeat that ten times. It'll reset your nervous system. Do that just a couple of times a day. Like nothing we have talked about is more than two minutes max. And that breathing pattern will trigger a relaxation response. I already felt that and I know it. I've taken breath work classes, but that already helped me. Because we just don't have to breathe correctly. So I don't, I know I'm like a shallow breather,

I try to breathe in the morning. That was very helpful. And that helps with everything. I think even before you have sex, or you with your partner before you have sex, or when you're trying to have a conversation with someone if you breathe together, I've done that with partner sometimes just to kind of, it resets.

And it helps to be intentional. Your brain is always listening. It helps to be intentional to guide your brain, rather than to let it be a victim of our crazy current society. Mm. Dr. Daniel Aiman, thank you so much for being here. I always feel wiser, more grounded, better, thank you so much for being here. I always feel

wiser, more grounded, better, smarter after you're on the show. So thank you so much. Thank you for being here for my listeners, for being my doctor, and so many others. Your brain is always listening is your latest book. And everyone should get it. We're going to put it a link in the show notes. And also everyone should take the dragon quiz. We're going to put that in there as well. Know your dragons.com. Thank you for being here. Thank you, my friend.

After the break, I'm answering your Rapid Fire Questions. Stay with me. Alright, let's do some Rapid Fire Questions where I answer as many of your questions I can in the shortest amount of time. How to ask your partner to trim down there? Very carefully. You can just be talking about it outside the bedrooms, and I've thought about how it would be to shave you.

Would you be down if I did that? How to help with razor burn on your private parts, tips to not feel insecure about them? Well, first off, apply cold wash cloth to reduce itching and swelling. And next time before you shave, you can exfoliate and be sure to use a fresh razor and to moisturize. But also, insecure listen, bumps happen, we have weird things that happen on our body. And if you're not insecure about it, I'm telling you your partner is not going to care

either. I don't know, I'm telling you, your partner's not gonna care either. I don't know, I just say keep going and that's what happens. You're shaving for yourself and your partner and if they're not cool with the bumps, then maybe they're not, it's the your person. I've been with my man for over a year and now sex kinda hurts.

Listen, a lot of women have paid, 80% have pain during sex at some point in their life. So I would examine it, is it's certain times a month because sometimes it could be when you're ovulating? If it's really painful to have anything inside of you, I would try to see a pelvic floor physical therapist and pay attention to mark down when the pain happens. Check that out. We also have great episodes with Heather Jeff Cote about pain and sex. You'll love it. Why do I last longer with certain girls compared to others?

Well, it could be anxiety, it could be connection, maybe the closer you feel to someone and the more you trust someone, the more you're likely to last longer, if it's a new partner, maybe you're nervous, and you come quicker. So I just wouldn't trip on it. You only you can answer what that is. You know, are you drinking more with a certain person?

Or are you, you know, think about that. Also, remember, promescent, quickly absorbing delay spray that helps you last longer in bed. We love them. Can you recommend a lubricant to people prone to UTI? Well, I recommend something with fewer ingredients. I love pure women nude.

It's a form of specifically for women who have sensitivities. So try those out, let me know. Okay, I've seen a lot of talk about literal vibrators, tips and tricks for first time users and product racks. Well, first, check out a recent episode I did about Get Your Masters and Master Basin

because that gives you a lot of tips for it and clip vibrators. I love Wee Vibes touch or their tango. Those are great first-time vibes. And remember, use-loop, go slow, helps do it on your own, and to go into your first-time masturbation or first-times without the goal of orgasm but with the goal of exploration. Okay, what are the best positions for hot shower sex? Well, here's a few tips. Holding hands on your ankles so you don't fall over. So you're essentially bracing yourself.

Okay, think about it that way, you won't fall over. And sport sheets has a really cool sex in the shower line that's suction cup to the wall and you can hold onto them so you will not fall. And remember, always use leave in the shower and it's great to use a silicone lube because it lasts longer than the water base. What Shower, and it's great to use a silicone lube, because it lasts longer than the water base.

What can I do to get my wife to have a lighter and more playful attitude about sex? Well, talk to her about it. Ask her what's memorable about your sex life. What is she loved? What she into? What does she fantasize about? Download her, yes, no, maybe listen, have fun playing with her. Maybe she's in a time of her life where she's really anxious and it's hard for her to relax and get into

sex. I say, give her a massage. Tell her that you just want to do a night of just pleasing her. And maybe if you can help her get into her body, that'll help her get into sex and some more play time. What if I have a kink and I talked about it with my partner and she's totally not into it? Well, again, I recommend the Yes, no, maybe list. What is she into? Download or yes, no, maybe list? What does she like? If she doesn't like kink, and sometimes our partners hear kink and they're like, oh god, what do you mean? Are you going to do a red room of pain and tie me up to the ceiling? Maybe you could show her what you mean by kink and kind of see what she is into because I think it's

okay to say what we don't want, but what does she want? That's important. How do I tell my partner I'm ready for a sec for the first time without freaking them out? Well listen, before you've sex with a new partner, it's important to kind of talk about your relationship. Are you in a committed relationship? Are you getting used to protection?

What are they expecting? What are you expecting? I mean, I think that rather than just springing on and freaking them out, talk to them outside the bedroom, download my communication guide on the site. Don't just do it in the moment, don't spring it on them, but say, hey, I've been thinking about us and I'm ready. I've been fantasizing about having sex with you and having a trade of sex.

What do you think? What do you think? If you think your partner's going to freak out though, I definitely think you should have a conversation ahead of time so you both can consent and be looking forward to the day. Can you give examples of role-play scenarios a dialogue? I want to try it but I think I'll sound dumb. Okay remember this about role-playing. It will be awkward.

You will laugh. It is funny. Try teacher student sexy stranger where you meet at a bar and you have different names. Just know that it's going to be funny and awkward but you can move through. We have a great article on our site about role playing so check that out as well. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review where every listen to podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner. believe me, if you got something out of this, they will too.

Find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all at Sex with Emily. If you want to ask me a question about sex dating or relationships, you can email me feedback at sexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. And check out my website. We have so many articles on there helping you better, and you can check out our guides at sexwithemily.com slash guides for free guides that will give you expansive tips and activities.

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