Sex With Emily - How to Fix Your F*cking Mistakes with Gigi Engle

Episode Date: April 28, 2020

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is joined by sex educator and writer Gigi Engle to talk about her book, All the F*cking Mistakes – and how you can feel comfortable being the amazing, sexual being you are! Plus, she’s answering your sex & relationship questions. They discuss ways to get past the shame and stigma around sex that society, friends, and family may have put on you, with awesome some sexting tips that will have you tingling in your fingertips. Plus, advice on what to do when your partner’s constant rejection is actually messing with your self-love moments, and if regaining trust is actually possible.Follow Emily on all social @sexwithemilyFor more on Gigi Engle, visit http://missgigiengle.com/For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit http://sexwithemily.com/  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The easiest way to control women is through sexuality, through slut shaming, through sexual shame, through shaming masturbation, through making us seem like if we stand up for ourselves that we're off-putting, and like you won't, you know, like that old, I don't like, my grandma would be like, oh, you'll never get a man with that mouth, that kind of thing. Right. And like if you are somebody who stands up for yourself who has your own opinions and like, and honestly, like, this is like, I say this a million times, it's like, I don't give a thought. And it's like, you can like take it or leave it. And if you're not, and if you are scared,

like, not your scary to men when you're like that, because they have no control and they are scared shitless of a woman who's going to be like, no, I'm not taking my ship for me. Right. Exactly. Well, that's why I love the way you lay it down who's gonna be like, no, I'm not taking my shirt from you. Right, exactly. Well, that's why I love the way you lay it down, because you're like, and guess what, if you tell a guy that this is the person you're with, that this is what you need and they don't want to,

why do you give a fuck? And I just love it, because you're like, yeah, why do you? Why have I cared for so goddamn long? Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and on today's show, I'm joined by sex educator and writer, Gigi Engel, to talk about her book, All the Effing Mistakes and how you can feel comfortable being the amazing sexual being you are.

Right now is the best time to have a solo sexual awakening, don't you think? Or if you and your partner are healthy, keep the bedroom spark alive. Plus, I'm answering your sex and relationship questions. Topics include ways to get past the shame and stigma around sex that society, friends and family may have put on you. Awesome sexing tips that will have you tingling in your fingertips. What to do when your partner's constant rejection is actually messing with your self-love moments. And is regaining trust possible? It is. But it's not a one-man job.

All this and more, thanks for listening. I'm an obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized, they call them a bygone day. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I want to feel so drunk. Being bad kidding me? Oh my God, I'm so proud. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. Find all of our social media is sex with Emily across the board. All right, intentions with Emily.com. Find all of our social media is sex with Emily across the board. All right, intentions with Emily. So for each show, I start off by setting an intention for the show, and I encourage you all to do the same. So what it mean is, what you're listening, like, what do you want to get out of listening to this episode? What attracted you to this episode? How could it help you? It could be, I've always felt that as a woman, I couldn't express my sexuality and I want some tools how to get past that.

Or maybe it's, I want to get a better understanding of why my partner doesn't feel comfortable with sex and gain any insight. Well, my intention to show anyone out there feels like they might have some shame around sex or trying to be more comfortable with sex overall that you're not alone and you can turn any negative message you have and do something positive. Alright guys, enjoy the show. I'm super excited you guys, my guest. Gigi Engle, her book is all the f-ing mistakes, a guy to sex, love, and life. Gigi's a word-winning feminist author. Certified sex coach, sex-al just sex educator.

She's, we're frequently in the same circles and the articles and you're also love the womanizer, but a sex part for them. Gigi, how have we never even talked? We like, tweaked. I'm so excited right now. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. Gigi, I'm so excited because like, first off, like, I think it was during our show.

We were doing the show live and you like, tweeted, like, if I could be on your show, I'm like, oh my god, like I think it was during our show. We were doing the show live and you like tweeted, like if I could be on your show, I'm like, oh my God, I would love to be on your show. And then, yeah. I think a lot of courage for me to even do that. I was like, you think, she's no so I am. Why? Oh my God, well, Gigi, I love your book.

I read it in an oxygen chamber last night. I talked about it earlier in the show, but I've been doing this whole like oxygen thing, don't ask, but helping my brain and I was super focused. I feel like that's the perfect way to absorb my earlier in the show, but I've been doing this whole like oxygen thing don't ask but Helping my brain and I was super focused. I feel like that's the perfect way to absorb my book I loved it and then I want to start a better way. I was super inspired I was like I want to start sexting everyone and I want to start like Doing things I went to get reminded me of a lot of things and I got to say first off It's such I love I love your writing style

I love the way you are also breaking down so many stigmas. And it is kind of like you kind of joked out the book that I'm your aunt Gigi. I'm your big sister. And I feel like you really do a great job of this in your book. Walking through all the stigmas. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah.

And I appreciated also, I was reading it. And it was like you that I was quoted in it, which I didn't even know. So thank you for that. Oh, of course. And I appreciated also I was reading it and it was like you that I was quoted in it, which I didn't even know. So thank you for that. Oh, of course. I mean, I honestly idolized you forever. So GG, that's of course you would be in there. Oh, GG, I'm so honored and I'm so I think your book is awesome, all the fucking mistakes.

So can we just talk about you for a second? I love the way like you lay out all the stigmas about different ways to touch yourself. We talk a lot about masturbation here in white. I love your whole life. I don't give a fuck. You've got a clitoris. No one tells you about it. Let's talk about the tutorials for women, why they need to touch themselves, why masturbation

is important. I think masturbation is one of the biggest questions that I get from readers and from clients is like, the shame they have around masturbation, not understanding their own anatomy, not like how to talk to their partner about what they like. And I find that masturbation is really like a core of every female body person and woman's confidence is like really understanding your own body, knowing what you like, knowing what gives you an orgasm or what brings brings you pleasure, because as soon as you have the tools to like, show a partner how you want to be touched, or you yourself know how to give yourself an orgasm and don't rely on anyone else,

you can pretty much just like take on the entire freaking world, because like nobody is going to control that aspect of you. And I find that a lot of the shame that women have around masturbation is very face and patriarchal roots. And the fact that like, seeing all sexuality is something that scares the shit out of men. And so as long as we can try to, as long as they can try to control it and try to tell you that like, you need a man, make you happy or you need a man, make you satisfied, then you're controlled. But as soon as you break those barriers and you get your full sex place and you start loving on your body and understanding

that you're this like incredible vibrant woman full of the pleasure potential like the sky's the limit for you. Absolutely. And I love that you start off saying like, yeah, nasty woman, I'm going to take that back. Like, let's get nasty. So why are sexually liberated women? Why are we so scary? We're scary because there really is no control. I mean, the easiest way to control women is through sexuality, through slut shaming, through sexual shame, through shaming masturbation,

through making us seem like if we stand up for ourselves that we're off-putting, and you know, like that old, I don't like my My grandma would be like oh you'll never get a man with that mouth that kind of thing Right and like if you are Somebody who stands up for yourself who has your own opinions and like and honestly like this is I say it's a million times I don't give a thought and it's like you can like take it or leave it and if you're not and if you are scared like not you're scary To men when you're like that because they have no control and they are

Scared shitless of a woman who's gonna be like no, I'm not taking my ship for me. Right exactly Well, that's why I love the way you lay it down because you're like and guess what if you tell a guy that this is the person You're with that this is what you need and they don't want to why do you give a fuck? And it's just I just love it because you're like, yeah, why do you? Why have I cared for so God damn long? It's about my pleasure. I have the whole idea for the book. You tell me everything.

It's like women being like readers and women coming to me being like, I mean, like, I don't know how to talk to my partner about this or like, my partner doesn't want to do that or they get upset when I masturbate after sex, which is like LL who's gonna tell them They're like they It's like are they get like really like anxious about how to have about how to own that power how to Because it always comes back like not wanting to set up set a man not wanting to like hurt anybody's ego Not wanting to be too much or too in your own body And it's like, why

the fuck you, what's somebody who cares about that? Exactly. Exactly. Choose someone who actually makes your life better, who wants you to have great sex. But we're not told that. We're told, well, it's all about, you know, the man's pleasure. It's all about, you know, what they want, them pounding away at you, like the jackhammer and all those things. So I love that you break it down. And I and I was thinking like I would love to send this book to all the the young women I know like I think it really parents are always calling in and and just every young women are listening to like I think this is the book I feel like this is a book for people to share with their daughters their friends

You know who up mean our listeners all the fucking mistakes a guy do sex love in life you guys can find it in our show notes our listeners, all the fucking mistakes a guy do sex, love, and life you guys can find it in our show notes. But GG, I just think that it is so well done because if people, you just drive it home. And that you're right. I mean, I'm sure after writing about sex, you wrote for so many people, you know, all the magazines, all the publications, Cosmo, Marie Claire, Elle magazine, Teen Vogue, you were like, yeah, I've got to get this out because there's the same questions all the time, right? Yeah.

And it's still going on today. I get, I still going to say where I said that these exact same questions and now I'm really excited to have the book out in the world and I can be like, read my book, get my book, like, yay! And I've gotten a lot of really amazing emails from mostly from like, like, there's women in their 20s and 30s and 40s who have written me and came up and be like, I've been touring your book around and I'm upset with it. But I've gotten a lot of messages from like moms who have bought their books for their teenage daughters or their daughters who are just going to college. Yes.

So I just wrote, I just got an email like the other day from the song who was like, I gave us my daughter. It's like one of the only sex books I've been like, oh my God, she'll actually read this. Yes. And I like, stand, wrote them up mother daughter thanks the letter. It's like, it's really, I didn't really realize it was going to be such a, I thought it was more going to be kind of like the party girls' anthem

to having better sex when I was like first writing it. Right, okay. Yeah, and like as I was like developing it, I was like, so wait, these like these Lawson's are super universal and more than that, they're like really, really important kids in their teens and 20s. Because like, they're like really, really important kids in their teens and 20s because they don't have these tools.

I may feel like I was more sexually liberated than most. When I was younger, I had a very liberal family and my mom and dad are like a best of everything that I do. And so I didn't realize until I started doing this work. Seriously, the other day my dad got cornered by a man in a restaurant. He was in a very conservative rural town in Illinois. And the guy recognized my college structure that he was wearing.

And then he went on a rant about how I'm a sexologist. And I wrote a sex book on all the ethnic mistakes. And he felt proud of me. And you could pick it up as a local bookstore. And he went to the local bookstore and made sure they were selling it. So like, so like, we would that is like, I've thought that like, you know, by the time people were where my age when I wrote the book, which was like, my late 20s, I was like, oh, people like already have these lessons.

And then as I, yeah, no, and I was like, no, I got certified in sex education. And I started doing a lot of work with like couples and with women. And I was like, oh,, oh wait, everybody needs this. People don't have this foundation. Exactly. Yeah. It was just like, that's what you were saying. You needed to be sad.

I love your dad. I can picture him because I'm from Michigan. My mom tells her we're never dating show, right? So she's not as, you know, now they kind of found out, but that it's sex, but that's so awesome. I can see that in your parents are supporting you you know So you never really felt the shame so you've been really like even though you're you know You wrote this younger you've been involved with it through all your twenties

You were very comfortable that you didn't have that shame growing up because that's what we're trying to do with people shame misinformation taboo Trauma all those things you didn't have that You're so kind of trying to be like, my mom was really liberal. She had a really conservative Catholic mom. And she had a lot of like kind of, as there were mixed messages, she was giving me because she was very sex positive.

But like some of those messages from having a conservative mother, like they speak through, you know, like the, you won't find the cow with the milk is free stuff like that. Like out there's about meat, like, understanding that those were sex negative messages. So, like, my whole idea of being a sex educator is to kind of be like, that same mode, but like, even more sex positive,

which is like, why I'm kind of like your sexy, ugly, ugly ham. You really are. I mean, I'm my, Neenie says the amp, but I'm buying this for my Neesys. And I want to tell everybody here that you should buy this for the young woman in your life. I just, I love really Gigi,

that's so glad that you've been hearing that as well, because I feel like, essentially, our listeners, because doing a podcast was a different thing, but then also being on series of last year, I realize it's reaching so many people around this America to different places that are like, people don't have these messages, we really don't, wherever I go in the world,

people don't have these messages. So really don't. Wherever I go in the world, people don't have these messages. So we talked a lot more parents on here. So I just, I think it was like such a great, such a great service. And you do it so well. And you're right. Younger women would read this. But we all need that. That's a thing.

Also, you're probably, it's the young women. But then I'm sitting with my friends. You're in their 40s and married. And they're like, what's the third hole? I'm like, really? You have two kids. She's like, there's three holes. You know, so people are all different levels

of their, you know, sex information. So I think it's important. And also, Gigi, I want to talk to you about this. I really loved your kink. Well, I was thinking about this. Someone just called in and he was talking about his, I was like, oh, I wish Gigi was on the phone because he was talking about, he was,

what was his name, James? His hair cut. Garrett. Garrett. He's 32 and his wife, his fiancee wants to cut his hair. And he's like, they're into BDSM. He's kind of into it, but not really into it. And I love the way, like if you could kind of,

and I was talking about negotiating what you want, and I just love the way you break down kinky because so many people don't really understand what that means and I just think you give a great tools in here for people how do they negotiate how they figure out what they want are you kinky um I am yeah I am yeah used to be a lot of more involved in like a kink scheme um but I mean, I would definitely say me, and my husband are pretty gay. But yeah, we breaking it down was kind of like, it was coming from the place of like,

people being a lot of my readers and people I worked with being curious about it and kind of thinking it was like, that BDSM was very, because you know, the only thing people have really to reference in the mainstream is like, very problematic things. You see in 50 shades of gray where it's basically glorifying like a semi abusive relationship and then you have like the money aspect of it which just like is more confusing. Of course, you have a helicopter. Yeah, I don't think I can't even like a third

up much. I'm grateful and made it like more mainstream for people sort of like thinking about it. Not so good when I found out that like people on first 10 or days were choking each other. Right. Exactly. I was like, I had to be concerning. Yeah. So like my whole breakdown of kink

is to kind of be like very, very basic kink for beginners where it feels like somebody who was like an actual, I talked a lot of practitioners in the chapter. It's like, it feels like it can be something that if you were a kinky person, you could learn it can be something that if you were a kinky person you could learn something, but also if you're a beginner, you have all of the basic tools that you need to not only do it in a way that's fun and sexy, but also

very safe, consensual, and gives you tools to actually negotiate what you would want to do, what you'd be interested in doing, like how to bring it up to a partner, how to negotiate things that might be uncomfortable to one partner. If you want to do, what you'd be interested in doing, like how to bring it up to a partner. How to negotiate things that might be uncomfortable to one partner, like if you want to try spanking and your partner's like, oh, like I'm not trying to do spanking, like you can do, sexual bucket lists, and swap them and kind of figure out what kind of cheesy stuff you'd be interested in giving a shot.

There's, King is not all about pain, and it's not all about like, and it has nothing to do with wanting to hurt somebody, so like the pleasure of like causing someone harm. Right. And so that's kind of like, it's explaining it as this like, as this like way of sexual expression of playing with dominance and submission of playing with different power dynamics, especially now in like the new me to era like what that means for a couple right yeah exactly and kinky you know and that's a thing also people think well I don't want pain so I'm out or

it just seems really hard but really I mean what I have found when I've done like kinky your things or role playing or blindfold and all the things that just helps you with your focus it helps you stay connected and keeps you in the moment don't you think like it's sort of just an activity so because so many people as you know, are distracted during sex. They're in their heads. Well, if you're actually playing with your, because I think Kink is play, you know, and haven't you found that? Absolutely.

It's like looking at Kink is nothing. It doesn't have to have anything to do with thinking or rods. Or he doesn't even have to have anything to do with bondage. What's Kinky to you, if could be just like wearing a blind fold and your partner is like running a feather kicker over your body or you have a glass dildo and you put it in the freezer and use it for temperature play. Like why you're just playing with each other, that can be kinky, that can be kinky to you. Because that's like the other like, tinky to you. Because that's like the other big thing about kink and kink role title in DDSM. It's like, it's going to mean something different for every person.

Right. Like, you might think that like French, you might be somebody who thinks that like, French kissing is kinky. Exactly. And that doesn't make it not kinky. So, because somebody else is like, that's not kinky. Right. Well, that was my, well, I, that to quote myself in your book, but really, I was so honored that it was like, King is whatever outs, this is the quote of, in your book, King is whatever is outside of your comfort zone, whatever the comfort zone may be.

Yeah. King varies from different words. And that's so genetic. And that's so genetic. And it's lubrication, it's like, regurgitating your line. No, no, I don't mean that, but I'm like, you're so, I just love, but, yes, but thank you.

I'm like, embarrassed even. I didn't even know that i was in your book and it's funny that you wouldn't even want to reach out i think you're you're doing such a great service here and what i else i loved is so i know you're in a long you've been along distance relationship so you have been really it sounds like but for years you've been honing your sexting skills oh yes that is i heard uh i had my husband and I were in a long this

relationship before he went freelance and then we started living together but like before that I was in a long-term relationship and like I started teaching a texting workshop because my boyfriend was so fossil at it. Because I was like I had been seeing this this guy before I started dating him and he was like, and he taught me everything that I knew. Like, he was like, porn star level sexer. He was like a tax attorney in real life.

Like, the most porn job you could possibly think. That's the dirtiest guy in the sack ever. That's amazing. Right, exactly. He's got to live out somewhere. And I'm like 21 years old and I'm like, I'm like getting all these crazy stuff. And I was like, oh, I like have to keep up because he was like an older man. So it's like, I have to be cool. So I got really filthy with it. And I like realized it was like a skill that I was like picking up

that I was doing it. So then I have this my friend who's just like, I would send him like the dirtiest facts. And he would send me like a thumbs up emoji. And I was like, yeah, that's And I was like, yeah. That's great. Oh my God. Dude, that is the worst. You're like, I'm dying right now. I've been so busy about like, you know, like bending over table. And he was just right like, hot.

Would I? No. No, I'm commasin' point. I'm just like, I'm the worst. And I would just be like, cool. Cool, thanks. I feel really good about that. Because it is really vulnerable to like send the sex and

I love that because you talk about all your friends, you know, coming you for help about everything masturbation. But I love that your friends are like, you're like, hand your phone over to your friends. And here's how you sex sex. But we get a lot of that. I was talking about it in the butt. I love it. One of my friends, Lauren, who like, she left me her name in the book.

She like, I'm texting this guy, like, let me, like, let, like, sex in something. I don't know what to say. And I like wrote what I would write to him. And she was like, I'm texting this guy, let me let, let, let, like, sex in something. I don't know what to say. And I like wrote what I would write to him. And she was like, whoa! I think I got it. Exactly. And I was like, oh, okay, well, I'll write that. What about, yeah, the choking your cock choking.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, choking on a cock. Choking on a cock. Yeah, like, yeah, it's like, it was, and to me, I was just like, that's just the fact. And she was like, no, look how far we it was, it was, it was like, that's what the set. And she was like, no, it's like, how far we've come. We're so different. Exactly. But I love it. I was like, oh, I'm actually really good at this.

So I started taking some workshops, and then I started teaching one. That was called how to get your sex on without being weird about it. And it's like all about, like, and I literally use, I'm an online boyfriend at the time, fucking hate it, that's why I would use screenshots of our sexing conversations where he would spend like stupid things back and he was like, don't do that, I'm gonna like, piss your own fault. Yeah, this is what not to do, don't send the thumbs up. Right? Yeah, okay. I do like, do not send this.

That is so funny, because it's an art, and what I also love is that you really encourage, I think your book is so, like if we talk about like if, you know, we don't wanna feel shame, we don't wanna feel bad, I love the way you write it because it is so encouraging for women, you know, for anyone reading it, like it's okay, and it's like, it's okay that you're not gonna be sexting,

like it's an art form, like it takes work, you have to work at it, and I think that's sort of the theme like throughout your book, like it's okay that you don't know this but I'm your Anti-Gigi and we're gonna get down to it so fuck whatever you've heard it's all wrong let's go Exactly it's basically just like look nobody knows what the fuck they're doing everybody is just trying to like be sexy but like And we think acting like we all know what we're doing but really nobody was given a skirt for this and Magically know how to do all set, and we don't know shit. Have we supposed to know?

Never get it. Right, and I love it, because I really, it was like a refresher. It's like, I love that you break down to the sex scene, because I get no one also, and if anyone has any questions about this, I'm talking to Gigi Ingle. Her book is all the F-ing mistakes.

A guide to sex, love, and life. And it's also Gigigingle on Instagram and Twitter and miss ggingle.com. You can get this on our show notes. And that's g-i-g-i-e-n-g-l-e. I love that you break down the sexting into three different kinds. Romantic, cheeky, and filthy.

I'm like, go gg, break this town. Because if you're filthy and you're with a romantic, and I'm like, I kind of like the romance. Like your lips are so luscious and soft I want to taste them is like romantic right and then cheeky like I want to fuck you right now and then filthy that wasn't even filthy like filthy yeah so he is like it's like the whole thing is like the more adjectives, the dirtier again. Okay, so tell me some of your basic tips for sexting because I think we're all trying to sacks their dirty talk in some point.

What do we do, Gigi? Where do we start? Please. Well, the sexting is like a lot of times it's like people are like, I don't even know like how do I even get a sexting conversation going. Right. And really it's like it can start with like any time. I have to have a whole list of

like your kind of basic openers to kind of be like to remit, but easiest way is to reminisce about something sexy you did previously. Yeah. Um, like maybe you guys like have like you gave your boy your boyfriend, for instance, like a really good blowjob last night and you were just like, oh, I really like loved the way that you were moaning while I was like going down on you last night and you were just like, oh, I really loved the way that you were moaning while I was like going down on you last night. Like, that was so hot and that kind of gives them kind of some fuel to like, oh, that's what we're doing. Right, exactly.

And if they don't want to do it, they send a thumbs up. But anyway, okay, so yeah, so replay something that happened. Love it. And when it, yeah, please play something that happens, you can also talk about like a fantasy that you've had or maybe you talk about like You could talk, you want to talk about a fantasy which you don't maybe you're like, I don't want them to think that I think about this Like in a like as a sex thing you could also pretend it was a dream. I've done that before

Yeah, I had a dream that like this happened and you can kind of gauge Like how they felt about that. Yeah, like were they like writing into it? Were they not into it? That's always like fine. They're like, no, I wouldn't want that. You're like,'re that like writing into it, where they not into it. That's always like fun. But they're like, no, I wouldn't want that. You're like, yeah, we're such a dream. Or they're like, yeah, I'm down. You're like, see you at six.

You're not so weird. Yes. I like, like, great. Pack it up. I think those are always like really good ones. Right. So smart. Yeah.

Yeah, and it's just so like, is if you want to be extra filthy dirty with it, like go with as many adjectives as you can think of. Like hot, wet, and pink in front of the word pussy, it goes a long way. True. Right. Okay, Gigi, you're awesome. I'm so proud of you.

I know you're moving to London, like tomorrow. Like tomorrow. Wow. When am I going to meet you? Could we, we got to meet in person? I'll come to California, come to London. That's a, I will be in London. I know, no one wants to visit me here.

I would have come to London. Is it me in London? No, I'm gonna come to London. We're gonna stay in touch, Gigi. I'm gonna tell everyone to buy your book. I'm telling them now, but all my friends I'm buying it for, they're their kids. It's so well done.

I have to ask you the five questions before you go that we ask all of our guests. So you ready? I'm ready. Okay, your biggest turn on. Five questions before you go that we ask all of our guests. Are you ready? I'm ready. Okay. Your biggest turn on? Um, a cute butt. Biggest turn off.

Uh, a flappy killer. What makes good sex? Communication. Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships. If you can make yourself come, then you rule the world. Number one, sex tip. Communicate with your partner, tell them what you want, or not a mind reader.

Nice. Gigi, and well, thank you so much for being here. So appreciate you, your book, All the Fuckin' Stakes, a guide to sex, love and life. Thank you for having me. Of course, Gigi, have a great night. Thanks for calling in. All right, we're gonna take a quick break and we come back. We are going to get into your emails and I just want to thank everybody for supporting

our sponsors at this time. They need you. I need you. We all need you. We all need each other, but they are still in business, so thank you for supporting them and thank you. We'll be back. All right, we're going to get into your email questions. I love answering them. So thank you, everybody for staying in touch and sending me your emails through through all of our platforms.

It's great to send it first through sex-only.com. Click the Ask Emily tab belt, the short form, or just email feedback at sexwith-emily.com and include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. Thanks, guys. This is from Sherylyn25 in Connecticut. Hi, Dr. Emily. In a past relationship, I was slut-shamed by an ex-boyfriend

who may be telling how many guys I'd been with before him because he was worried I slept around. It was ridiculous because I'd only ever been with two guys before him, but even so, this judgment scarred my perception of sex. I have a feeling of shame related to sex, and now I worry about judgment for having a lively sex life. How could I heal this block and step into my sexuality? I love that you're able to pinpoint

to the exact time when you started feeling shame. Do you know how many of us can't even go back to that? We just have this universal, this kind of fuzzy, foggy shame that we just feel about everything, but you know that's when it flipped for you. You had an X shame you. And so for a lot of time, something happens in our life and we just hold on to these beliefs. But then we get to say, okay, does this still serve me?

Are these messages true? Is it who I still am? And just because we get notices or messages from our family or society or religion, we get to decide at some point, wait, are these my beliefs? Are they cultural expectations about a woman should and shouldn't do?

And then we get to go deeper into that route and say, okay, you know what, no, Emily, I don't believe that just because my boyfriend said it, I don't believe that anything I'm doing is wrong or shameful. But those are just words. Like the shame is like a label. But how could you really go deeper to that and say, there is no way I could feel shame because I actually know that being sexually healthy and being a sexual being in a whole and complete, being a whole and complete woman, I believe, is about really understanding who you are sexually

and what really works for you. So the more you can figure out, Sherlyn, well, who am I as a sexual being? What do I love sexually? How can you give yourself more pleasure, more orgasms, taking the time to masturbate and experience pleasure with yourself and with other lovers if you're ready for that. We'll make you realize that this is a non-negotiable.

It always becomes like food for our soul. That's what sex can become food. Sex can become like something that you're like, this is a requirement. This is part of what makes me a healthy being is that I am sexual. I think once you experience this sexual power and knowing woman who knows herself and trust herself then you'll have this knowledge and realize that you deserve the pleasure and the shame will just have no place. It will have no place and it won't be a

replacement. It won't be you won't allow the shame to come in once you realize it like I am oh this pleasure It's who I am when I don't have this pleasure. I feel less than so really It's a practice and maybe just hearing my words will allow you to unblock it and Practicing it every time you're thinking that to think like I am I am not this is nothing to feel shameful about and again Uping your practice of masturbation, upping your practice of self love, gratitude, all those things really works. Replacing all these negative tapes that don't serve us

with the thoughts and actions that make us feel better. So thanks for your question, Sherylyn. All right, this is from Scott Forty in New York. I've had a lot of porn questions. You guys a lot of porn, a lot of masturbation questions during the COVID-19 shutdown. Hi, Dr. Emily. My wife and I love your show, listening to the podcast and series show weekly. It's really helped us open up about what we like and what we want to explore. I recently found out that my wife has a fantasy of watching porn together, which is great. I asked what time of porn she would be into, and she said whatever, and unsure what she likes.

The only porn I know, of course, are the porn hub types of sites, which I feel isn't the best for couples and not to turn on to watch together. We would like to play out this fantasy, but don't want to fumble through bad porn, which would kill the mood. Do you have any recommendations on where to start to find porn that is best suited for couples? Love the show and thanks for all you guys do. All right, Scott, great question and thank you for listening to the show. And I think you're right. I think, first off, a lot of the porn we see out there isn't gonna serve everybody. And a lot of it is created by men,

for men with the male gaze. It's what some guy thought was really hot. And then since that's all we see, it continues to perpetuate that's how sex is. So yeah, I don't know that would be right for your wife. Also, makes sense that she doesn't know. She just has a hunch that watching porn be great, but how would she know if she never watched it?

So here's some ideas for you. There's a site called Make Love Not porn. Cindy Galt started it maybe over 10 years ago. You can find some porn there and kind of search different verticals and try to find porn that works for either one of you. I think you do have to pay for it, but I think it is worth it, worth it, worth it.

Lady Cheeky is a site that my friend L Chase, she started on Tumblr years ago, and it's actually a Tumblr site of images, and they shut it down because Tumblr decided they weren't gonna do sex content, but she just started it again. So ladycheeky.com, she's just getting up and running. It's great for images,

and there's also links to some great porn. The next one is Litteradoca. Litteradoca also has some great porn that's friendly for men, women, for everybody, couples. I love Erica Las, I talk about her a lot. It's another great site. And another option to start, which I think is really wonderful working with a lot of couples is a site called Quinn. Try Quinn.com is their URL because it's like online, or rotica, audio rotica. Because sometimes just listening to somebody talk about sex is really hot. And I think these sites have been doing well. There's another one called Dipsy. Also at sexwithamily.com, we have a lot on this as well. At the go porn, we have some classic films

that you might really like of the porn genre. So check those out and thanks for your questions Scott. All right, this is from Shan, 25 in Florida. Hey, Dr. Amlee, I was going through Instagram story tonight and thought I would give you, ask me anything, a try after being a long time listener and admiring your work so much. I'm 25-year-old female, my boyfriend is a 30-year-old male and he struggles with low libido but we're working on it and the constant rejection the bedroom is heard to mess with my enjoyment of masturbation. How can I get back to to myself love time without

feeling so sad and pathetic. Thank you for everything you do and I wish you and your team the same illness and simple joy your podcast brings me every day, especially during these tough times. Oh, thank you, Cheyenne. Feels really good to hear that. My team is still working super hard during this and thank you for that. And also we're all in this together and I'm happy to be able to help out. So, feels really good to read your words. All right, so I am super glad that you guys are working on the low libido with your partner. And I would add to that that that this is also time to work on your feelings around sex with your partner. So,

I understand how bad it can feel to be rejected. And any stretch and any place it feels bad, but especially sexually. I hear this from everybody, no matter what your gender. If my partner rejects me sexually, I feel like it's me. I'm no longer attractive to them. They don't like my body. I don't do the right things. We can't help but go there. It's like how we's me. I'm no longer attractive to them. They don't like my body. I don't do the right things. We can't help but go there. It's like how we're wired. But I feel like,

just like I told our friend Sheryl and above it, this would really be a time to say, like feel your weight into your own pleasure. Like the more you can, you're saying that it's hard having you a hard time with self-love because it's making you feel sad and pathetic, I'd say that this is the time we all up our masturbation game. We up our self-love. Self-love isn't just about words and taking long-hot baths and massage or shopping. It's really like like I can't think of a better way to self-love than to give ourself pleasure and orgasms. The more you do it and feel good, the more you're going to want to do it, which is just like going to the gym, the more we work out, the more we want to do it, and we can't imagine

not running in the morning. We can't imagine not. And the same goes for sex because sex begets sex. However, the thing I want to also get to is you're feeling bomb because when you initiate you get rejected. I know you guys are working on the low libido challenge, which is great, but also what about the initiation challenge? Maybe your partner needs to know. First off, how it's making you feel. It doesn't make you feel great when you initiate a reject you. So maybe you guys could find a solution together.

This is key. This is key for everybody listening who's in a relationship with someone and you are not hearing each other and you're not getting your needs met sexually. I will say this every day until you get this. It is not only up to one of you to handle the sex challenge. It's just not. You are in it together. You have a dynamic you've created and you both have to figure out what works for both

of you. So, you can let him know number one when I initiate and you reject me, it doesn't feel great. Number two, you can let him know how you would maybe like him to initiate. Maybe he will initiate, but he doesn't know how. That's a tip I always give is let him know what that looks like for you. But you might not be there now, because he's not as a little libido, but number three, this might be the time

for you guys to schedule sex. Maybe you're living in the same place right now. Maybe you were quarantined together, however, I think that, and this is something I've had to deal with, so I can share my own thing. I thought I've got all this time now, and I'm gonna be able to do more shows, and I need to be able to talk to everybody, no. and I'm gonna be able to do more shows, and I'm gonna be able to talk to everybody now,

and I'm gonna be able to get my exercise routine down. I'm gonna clean out the house, and we do all these things. When there's another layer of stress and anxiety and all these things, it's really hard. It's really hard to scratch off all of our goals and to knock them off the list. So scheduling it right now,

and saying like, you know what, let's plan on Saturdays at three o'clock and then it becomes a date, especially during these times. You're like, we look forward to Saturday at three. And so you make sure your bedrooms all set up in a sexy place. Your toys are charged. You are building up towards it. Maybe you guys do our yes, no, maybe less, which you can find on the site, which gives really great inspiration for couples to figure out what they're both into. And then it's an event that you're looking forward to. So scheduling everything right now is key, and especially

you might need to schedule sex, because then you're not dealing with rejection. You're going to feel much better. You're not going to be worried about rejection. And then you'll feel better about yourself love in times, because you know when sex is going to happen. So those are some some hacks to work around in this situation right now and Shan thank you so much for for listening and we are here for you. All right this is from Tom, 41 in California. Hey Dr. Emily, I've been having problems in my relationship. I've lost my wife's trust from talking to some other woman behind her back. I really love her and I want to reconnect and I keep trying different things, but everything keeps failing. Today, she sent me this text.

I'm having a really hard time trusting you with my emotional wellbeing. I don't feel safe with you in that way. And when I do, try, I get hurt. That has led me to not feeling connected to you. I feel lonely and sad all the time. I really needed and wanted to feel connected on Tuesday. And again, it was all you and is making's making me shut down and not caring more. Please help ASAP.

All right, Tom. Here's the thing about trust. Maybe this will make you feel better. There's literally no way without the help of a third party, meaning a therapist, a counselor, that she will be able to rebuild the trust. This is science, this has been proven, not just me, but many other therapists will share this with you. When trust is broken in a relationship,

it can be really, really hard to rebuild. And couples can come out of this. They can come out of emotional fairs and come out of physical fairs. But the only way they do is when they repair. And that repair process takes a little bit of time. But on your own, you're going to keep reassuring her and she's going to keep having flashbacks to you talking to other women. And then every time you don't call her, you don't see her, you don't come home on time. She's thinking you're with someone else. We just, our brains get very rewired very quickly when the trust is broken. It just automatically, it's like, we can't go back. We don't remember how things were in the past. And so having a therapist sit down with you both. And right now you could do it on Zoom if you need to.

And then you could start to rebuild the emotional connection. You'll find out what she needs from you to feel trust again. You're gonna find out why you did it. What was lacking for you that felt that you needed to talk to other women? There's a lot of things that might come up for you, but you still have work to do in this as well. And I'm not shaming you.

I'm not saying that was a wrong thing to do, but because I think a lot of couples I do know this. That listen, every time trust is broken or someone cheats or something happens, it is a wonderful opportunity. To figure out if you should stay or you should go and many couples are able to rebuild, they're able to repair and they come out stronger on the other side of broken trust or an affair. They really do. Now, some don't make it. Some definitely don't make it, but I believe you can't go down without trying. And in therapy is the way that you can slowly unpack it

and see like, what were you getting from it, Tom? For example, maybe you were like, you needed like an ego bus boost because maybe your partner, she wasn't giving you the words of affirmation you needed. Perhaps that's your love language. Maybe you needed more words from her. And she was, she weren't getting enough of that.

And you were feeling like maybe she didn't think you were sexy anymore. Didn't think you were a great man or a great, your job. And maybe these women you were texting with, it says you were talking to other women. I don't know if there was sex that happened. But maybe you were getting some need filled by these other women. It was like ego boost.

The more honest you are, Tom, and the more vulnerable you are, and into safety of a therapist's office or online or however you see this therapist is going to be able to heal both of you on a deeper level in a place where no matter what happens in the relationship, you're going to know that you did everything. But trying to solve their own, especially from the tone of her email, you know, she's taking care of herself. She can't just snap her fingers and trust you again. And maybe this language it really scared you. That's why you're saying, hey, SAP. So there's your ASAP. Find a therapist. Go to waxmansextherapy.com. It's my friend Jamie Waxman. She's great. Wherever you don't find the therapist near you, when it's covered in your insurance,

but they're available right now and they're ready to help. This is from Rob 24 in Los Angeles. Hey, Dr. Emily, my girlfriend, I've been each other's first and only sexual partners together for five years. The sex is great. Question. About two years ago, after performing oral sex on my girlfriend, she got a large herpes outbreak that required a doctor's visit in several sick days and a lot of pain. It was determined I had mouth herpes that was the cause. I frequent mouth sores and

likely didn't pay attention if I had an outbreak. She now takes a suppressant medication, has no issues, but no more oral sex. It would mean a lot to me to re-explore oral sex. Is there a suppressant medication I can take? Or is it as simple as me being very aware of what I have a mouse sore? And how should I reopen that discussion? There seems to be no hard feelings. I anticipate if she agrees to try to roll again with proper precautions, her being nervous, and not being able to joy or all in the moment. Other note, before her infection, she still seemed tense about receiving Oral.

I think she was uncomfortable with her body and such attention, but since then, she's become much more open, much more comfortable, and engaged with sex, which is why I think we could really, really enjoy it all now. All right, great question, Rob. Thanks for all the details here. So here's the thing. Okay. You have a Herbie Simplex.

One, it sounds like you've the mouth, herbie's, oral. She's taking a daily suppressant. Definitely if you are careful with, and you don't have an outbreak, you're less likely to transfer it. However, it's still a possibility. You could take a daily suppressant. You could also use a dental dam, which is like a condom that's kind of like a latex shield

you put over her. And it actually feels really good. People don't often use them, but I'm telling you, they feel really good. The extra latex there, any kind of material over the vulva and the clitoris feels amazing because there's so many nerve endings. But before we go down any that road, let's first have the conversation with her about oral. Now, if you're each other's first partners and you're 24 years old, I mean, it would make sense because statistically speaking, women that are all the time, they're not as comfortable with oral in early on in their sexual relationships. You're the only part

that she's been with. It's likely that she did feel shame and she did feel like weird about it. Maybe it didn't, she didn't really know how to make it feel good yet to her. And that's a common lying experience. So I would just open up to her and say, and because you also said that your sex is better now. And you're sex is more open and comfortable, which makes sense, because it's been five years. So I would just when you guys are hanging out and you're talking about your relationship or you just bring up your sex life and say, you know, I've been thinking a lot, or how hot it would be to go down on you. And I know we haven't done it in a while. I know we didn't have a great experience with our herpes, but I think that it would be so sexy.

I love the way you taste. I love, you know, it would be. And then and then see what she said. She might say, nope, nope done for business. And then you get to say to her, tell me more about that. Without, do your best not to be mad and be judgmental and just say, oh really, what do you think that is? Let her say, well, I don't want to get her busy. And you can say, well, I could use dental dam or I could take as a present.

I could just, you know, I've checked with a doctor. Actually, if I'm not showing any signs of it, there's a no break, I should be okay. And she's on a daily suppressant, so you're actually really pretty safe, you know, safer than not. And then you could say, then you could have her say, well, no, I just don't feel safe. Well, then I would say you both go to your doctor and get checked out. She get more information. Because if it's

really just about her worried about the transmission, you could actually have her sit there in doctor's office and get more information. So she feels safe. But if she says, well, it's not that she might say, well, I don don't know I feel like it's wrong or I don't know if it feels good. Well then you get to say well I I would love to take it slow I would love to explore that area again and see what might feel good to you. Maybe we could just try it for a few minutes. Just kind of have a conversation to get a little bit deeper with her on it because she might not even open it up. She might not even thought about it. She might just need some time because she might have made up in her mind that it's closed for business and to me that's unfortunate.

If I was still my 24 year old self that didn't let anyone go down to me and didn't like Oral and thought it was weird and I didn't understand how I could receive her, give, receive pleasure, I would be missing out a whole world of pleasure. I am so glad I realized how great it was. So I mean, I don't know what the answer is for your girlfriend because there is a percentage of the population of vulva owners who actually doesn't feel good. Like it literally, they're clitoris. And typically in these women what I found is they're really sent, their clitoris is really sensitive. And they have a lot of orgasms internally. So it actually doesn't feel great.

But that is not the majority of women. I think the majority of women find out that fingers and mouth actually and tongues feel really great. So it's a process, it's a conversation and good luck with it. Let me know how it goes Rob. You guys can also call in together if you'd like once you get the phones back, wish you will. But I appreciate it. I think that helped a lot of people as well. All right, another email you guys, thank you everybody for emailing me feedback at sexwithembly.com.

This is from G. She's a female. She's 32 and in the USA. And let this reminds me of something. You're going to be emailing me now, feedback at sexofmla.com. You can change your name. I don't care if you use your real name. You don't even just say where you're from. It does help, but what I want is your age. That's really important to me. And you could say the state you're in.

I don't care the state you're in. We are not here too. Because I get that the phone calls when you were calling into the show, maybe that felt more anonymous. There was more anonymity, but again, if you change your name, you don't give your name, I'm fine with that, but it just helps me to know what region you live in and how old you are. That's the stuff I really need. So, okay, hi, dear Dr. Ebbley, when and how

do you switch positions during sex? Obviously, if it's uncomfortable, I'd reposition. However, is there a bliss point to avoid the sex getting boring or interrupting orgasm? All right, gee, I love this question because it's this is also a practice, okay? So and it's something that you learn by like having sex more often and just kind of doing it is that you just kind of move like you kind of look at your partner and you just you just kind of doing it is that you just kind of move. Like you kind of look at your partner and you just sort of do it. Like you're like, okay, like let's move now. And I think once someone starts to move, you do it when you feel like you want to do it.

There's a knowing and a trusting to this process that I have to say. It kind of is like riding a bike after a tough sex, that you just kind of know when it's right. Now, this is something that, if you feeling like it's time to move positions, you're probably not gonna ruin the orgasm point. Now, if you're worried about your partner's orgasm point, you can have this conversation with your partner and say, like, I've been wanting to try some new positions.

Like, what do you think about that? And then you both know that the position's coming. You could be like, I've been wanting to try a doggy style. I've been wanting to put my legs over your shoulder when I'm in missionary. So there's not one point. It's kind of like dancing. Like, it's trying to explain to you like,

how we can all dance with our partner and move in different positions. It's like, it's feeling your way through it. And I think if you're getting bored, the other person's probably getting bored. So you'll know when to move positions. And I think the more in touch we are with our partner, like if you're, if you're actually, because sex is energy, right? So when we're having sex with someone, even if we're not staring into each other's eyes,

which I know a lot of you kind of freaks you out, which I think it's actually really hot and how you connect. But if you're not disassociating and you're brain fantasizing or thinking of something else, you can kind of tell energetically if it's time to move, if things are getting, you know, just a little uncomfortable or boring. So it's more like that.

Like I think that you're gonna know when it's time to move and you're not an interrupting orgasm, how's your orgasm? So I find that if you focus on what feels good to you, also G, this is like that you kind of know, oh, this is feeling, this is kind of hurting or chafing, or I need some more lube, like get some lube, stop. Because the other thing I want to say is sex is not linear.

It's not about the kissing, the foreplay, and then you go right into penetration and then we penetrate until someone orgasms and it's over. Totally fine to actually stop in the middle of sex. Just stop and talk to get into glass of water to go back to it. Like, it's okay to get awkward even at first and saying, I want to switch positions and maybe then laugh about it. And then go back to it.

Because the more you try this without worrying of how it looks, like, how is my partner going to think that I awkwardly try to go into this other position, the easier it's going to get. And acknowledging that sex is something that you get to, you are co-creating with your partner in the moment. There's not like a blueprint of ways to move positions and how to have sex. I give you the options here. I'm like, here is a buffet of all these different things you can try. All these different ways to communicate, all these different sex positions,

ways that I suggest feels good for women or men in different positions, but you guys have to try it on. You have to see how that works with a partner. So, I'm glad you'll move if it's uncomfortable, but there is, in the bliss point, you're going to know what that point is. And I think the more you guys are in touch and communicating about sex, but you're not in the bedroom, you're going to realize there's a groove. But maybe you just eat some permission from who you're having sex with that it's cool. But I'm telling you, it's okay to move. But I think once you name that and you say, I've been feeling like I want to try some things and they know it's coming and then you won't be worried what people think, but you still shouldn't be worried what they think. So there's nothing to avoid. There's just everything to gain here by experimenting with positions

and after a while, just gonna feel like you kinda know what you both need. There you go, G, thank you for your questions everybody. Thank you for getting in touch. Okay guys, Ray does review us wherever you're listening right now, just look down at that platform, whatever app it is, and just let us know what you think. Give us five stars.

That'd be awesome, it really helps. And thank you, my awesome team, Ken, Kristen, Alisa, Brian, producer, Jamie us five stars. That'd be awesome. It really helps. And thank you, my awesome team, Ken, Kristen, Alisa, Brian, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.