Sex With Emily - How to Go From "Eh" to Amazing in Bed

Episode Date: April 8, 2017

Sex and dating is complicated. From exes, to dating to orgasms, it can be a lot to process. On today’s show, Emily is answering your questions about everything in the love department to show you how you can simplify the dating game, so you always come out a winner! Also, what really makes a guy a great lover? How do you get your brain aboard the sex train? What tactics can you use to hook a hottie at the gym? Emily gives you her tried and true advice on these sex and dating queries, plus yet another scientific reason (science!) men need to focus on the female orgasm—as if there weren’t enough reasons already! Don’t miss this show packed with solid advice on how to up your dating and sex skill set. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep this podcast FREE: Blue Apron, System JO, Magic Wand and Adam and Eve. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm answering your questions on sex, dating, and everything in between. So, topics include how to find a hookup at the gym. What makes a guy a great lover? How to get your brain on board for sex? Plus tips to increase your sexual stamina, and yet another reason why guys should be focusing on the female orgasm. All this and more, thanks for listening. You got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand.

Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common all the way? What do you mean like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here.

I'm so gone. Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com. It's easy to subscribe to the podcast and check out all the great content on there and

all that stuff that we have blown out on the site that I always tell you about. But I just want to say that I want to thank everybody. We had a new record in March. We had 1.3 million downloads in one month. So first, I just wanna thank all my loyal listeners and then welcome all the newcomers. Cause if you just started joining and listening to Sex with the Emily,

I'm so glad to have you on board. And I love that you're here. Cause you know when you listen, your sex life, your dating life, everything else will improve. Here all the time. So I think we should just keep this momentum going. So if you like the show, tell your friends about it. Tell your partner about it.

It's a good past time for couples. I'm telling you guys, sit, listen together, warm me up. It's kind of for play. So I also love when you subscribe to the podcast. You can do it so easily through your app or iTunes. And we do two shows every week. So when you subscribe, you'll never miss an episode again. here's the thing about subscribing it really helps our ranking. So that's how you rank an iTunes which in turn it makes it easier for new listeners like you to find us.

Thank you all and I just love you, I love hearing from you and thank you for supporting the show. Okay so on that note okay a lot of people we talk a lot on the show about X's right like should you have sex with your X? Can you be friends with your X? And if you've been listening for a while, you know that when Menace is here, he's always making fun of me because I have a lot of X-boyfriends. And not only do I have them, I'm friends with them. Like there's one that I travel with.

You know, we've gone on trips with my new boyfriends at the time and his new girlfriends. We've ensure the dog together and he finds us crazy. But I actually have a new ex. Well he's an old ex, but now we become friends. So I've been thinking about this and like, God, we're friends now. And so I wanted to share you all the secret to this, okay? It takes time. You're not going to become friends with someone right away.

You can't. Like to say, hey babe, let's break up, but we can be friends. No. You need some separation. You just do. You guys got a heel. I did a breakup show. I guess it was recently, a lot of you said it was a really

helpful show where I talked about this because there is some rules that you really should follow and just be mindful of when you break up with someone. You shouldn't be in contact. You shouldn't stock their Instagram and probably not even be friends with them anymore on Facebook and take that time to heal. And we did that.

We born and touched. We didn't take time to heal and we hung out again. We hung out last night and you know, take that time to heal. You know, and we did that. We born and touched. We didn't take time to heal and we hung out again. We hung out last night and I, honestly, it's been like a year and I felt like we were friends again. And we really will be friends. And okay, let me just, here's a caveat. If you're dating someone who's like an asshole, a jerk and you never want to be friends with them again,

I totally get it, right? There's a lot of people that you date. You're like, okay, good riddance. If I never see you again, great. But then there's also those people that we think about. You spend time with of people that you date, you're like, okay, good riddance. If I never see you again, great. But then there's also those people that we think about and you spend time with these people, you know, you date them for a while and you become so close to them, you know, you have history and there's an intimacy

that you share and really a friendship. And so, and then you break up and maybe you break up just because you know, for whatever reasons you're in different places, again, it could be timing. You both don't want the same thing out of a relationship but you still have this like deep respect for each other and like a love for each other and you still want them in your life.

And we tend to just like throw these relationships away. So the thing is timing is important. I do think you need to take that separation. And it's okay to take that time. I think that we blame ourselves and we think, you know, God, I should be over this person by now or why can't I move on and we're getting back to the breakup thing. Not even the friend part, but just the, I should be over this person by now. Or why can't I move on? And when getting back to the breakup thing,

not even the friend part, but just the, I should be over this person or why don't I want to date again? And it's just, I think you just, again, need to take that time to heal, to look at like why it ended, what you learned about yourself and the relationship. Kind of, when you go through breakups,

it's sort of like those stages of grieving, like when someone actually dies in your life. A lot of times you start out just sort of, you know, it's hard to accept it. And you go with the anger phase and then you go to the acceptance phase and there's those stages of grieving. I won't get into all of them but it just just be kind to yourself and again look at breakups as a time to really heal yourself. So even though breakups can be hard and we struggle with them, there are great places to grow in your life. And if you choose to accept this mission,

when you do break up with someone, just look at the signs, like do I want to date someone like this again? Would I want my next partner? What did I learn about myself? And take the time, it's best not to jump into another relationship. I did that for a really long time.

Just went from one to the next, because I think it's kind of easier so we don't have to feel the pain. Anyway, I didn't do that this time, and I'm excited to have a new friend that happens to me in X. So really, it's not, you know, breakups aren't just an opportunity for you to, you know, have that personal growth, and to really take a look yourself and take time for yourself,

but hey, you don't, you never know. You'll have like a lifelong friend if you guys can mend things and become friends again. Okay, now we got some sex in the news. God, I love when I love the sex in news. Like, the team here sends me a bunch of things, stories, and I look through them, and you know, news items, and when I see one like this, I'm like, oh my god, thank you. Because there's some science behind what I've been saying. Giving women orgasms is great for guys too, according to science. So orgasms are fundamentally good things. That's why everyone loves to have them. The good news for guys is that by attending to your

partner's desires to get off, you will find everything gets better in the bedroom for you as well. So it's like that's like, oh, we talk about, right? You give them pleasure, you get pleasure. So University Michigan researchers, they, my school, my alma mater, so I have to give them a shout out, go U of M, go blue. They discover that not only were your lady love the intention, but men who help get a woman off feel more manly. They end up with stronger self-esteem and feel better psychologically in general.

So they feel more masculine, have higher sexual self-esteem when they imagine that a woman orgasm during sexual encounters with them. These results suggest that women's orgasms do function, at least in part, as a masculinity achievement for men. So the authors also stated they felt these findings indicated a positive societal shift that celebrates pleasure and sexual liberation for women. If you've been sort of confounded by the female orgasm and you're wondering if your partner has one or you're not sure how to do it, just keep listening to the show.

And I'm talked to your partner about it and figure out because apparently you're going to feel a lot more like a man, like, you know, sure, maybe like lifting weights at the gym or, you know, beating your friends at basketball or gaming, whatever you, games you play, what games, whatever you do, but giving an orgasm good for you too. So thank you, science. Because, you know, I have, you know, I talk a lot about orgasms on the show and I honestly, like I feel like so many of our questions about, did she have an orgasm or how come I can't orgasm during intercourse?

And it's just this whole, I understand that the vagina is the Rubik's cube of life and it is very confusing. From Ant-Anne, for many, many women who are like, I don't know if I had an orgasm and guess why? If you don't know, you probably didn't have one. So if this is just another extra added incentive to back up, what I've been telling you all for 12 years, orgasms are good for everybody. And especially, you know, your partner's going to feel good and for guys to get on board with figuring it out. Here's the other thing. Every woman

you're with is different, right? We're like snowflakes. Vaginas are like the same with your paint sys, but Vaginas are like snowflakes. So just because like your last girlfriend like something in the bedroom doesn't mean that this one's gonna like it. So look at this way. Even if you're like, God, I failed the last clause with. She didn't have an orgasm. Guess what? This new snowflake that you're with, whole new opportunity because every woman orgasms differently. So you're not a failure in that department. You can learn along with her how to orgasm and, you know, you're not supposed to figure it all on your own. I encourage women all the time to, you know, the most important work you could do truly is spending time masturbating, figure out your body, understanding what you like, what

makes you feel good, how to orgasm so you can also show your partner what to do. That helps as well, right? Guys, I know I know there's a lot of stress you're like, yeah, but I've been trying to give her an orgasm, but it's not just only your responsibility. You know, it's great for your part of to communicate to you as well. We do, I know some women we expect to be mine readers, but I've never met a mine reader.

I really haven't, doesn't work that way. So again, better communication, more orgasms, more happiness in the world, all around. Now we're onto your emails. If you have a question you want me to answer on the show, you know how much I love that. It's so easy to submit your questions. Go to sexwithmwe.com, click on Ask Emily, fill out the form and hit submit. That is all you do.

It's so easy. You can check the box if you want to be called because I love talking to you. We've been doing some call shows and they're awesome. You can also leave me a voicemail. It's 818-275-79931. All this information is on the website. It also includes the information that helps me answer question best. You have to put in your aid you guys. I need it. I need it. It helps. Where you live and how you listen to the show. Can't wait to hear from you. Hi Emily, my friend introduced me to your podcast and I've been listening for about a month now.

I'm 24 and I've been single after dating Guy for about a year. I'm loving being single again, but I would like to meet someone mostly for sex, but also someone who's funny and fun to be with. I go to the gym often and I'm wondering, how do you start up a conversation with someone at the gym? I have Bumble and I'm open to meeting someone genuine on there, but would also be happy with casual sex with someone from Bumble. Help! Thanks Sarah, age 24 on Tario. Okay Sarah, I love this.

I love hearing that more and more women, like they're just down for casual sex and men. I feel like there's a lot of trends on this show, like in your emails and stuff. And I feel like lately the trend has been that a lot of you, men and women are saying, how do I have casual sex? Like how can I find people just have casual sex with?

Which is just interesting. Find that's a little trend. So keep it up. And here's the thing about talking to someone at the gym. We're talking to someone anywhere. Like, just don't overthink it. I know it's easier said than done. But like, how would you talk to a girl, a woman you found

at the gym? You're like, oh, she seems cool. You just start saying, hey, where'd you get those cool sneakers? They're awesome. Or, you know, I love your top. I do that at the gym all the time. Like, I go to social cycle and like, oh my god, where did you get that sports bra? So, so think about like, what is happening in the moment? Like, if you go to the gym regularly, I think it's a great place

to meet someone. I used to say like, oh, don't talk to me at the gym, but honestly these days, we're also busy, we're setting our routines, everyone's looking at their phones. I think the gym is a great time. You can like, do it at the drinking fountain, like before you're waiting in line for a class. I mean, there's like so many things to talk about and so many things happening at the gym is a great time. You can do it at the drinking fountain, like before you're waiting in line for a class. I mean, there's like so many things to talk about and so many things happening at a gym. So here's a tip for you, you can remember. So I think the best way to start a conversation

is to first observe something happening. So I think there's a cute guy and you've had your eye on him. Even if it's for a second, you're like, he's hot. Observe something happening in the moment, okay? So let's say the gym is super crowded and you guys are waiting in line for the treadmill Which is one of my pet peeves by the way It's like I'm here to work out and if you make me wait five minutes longer I'm gonna go home

But anyway, you're waiting in line for the treadmill and you can observe say don't kind of never seen the gym so pack at this time Right casual like I would say you don't have to say that and then you share something You know, I've been wanting to run, you know I wanted to get these runs in the treadmill But I can't take the wait and then you ask a question so it's you observe you share and. You know, I've been wanting to run, you know, I want to get these runs in the treadmill, but I can't take the weight. And then you ask a question. So it's to observe, you share, and you ask. And you can say, how are you dealing with these crowds?

Is it, you know, is it always busy this time of day? So this is just a very casual, never seen the gym so packed at this time. I've been wanting again this treadmill, but I just have to take the weight this time of day. How are you dealing with these crowds, right? So there you go, it's observe, share, ask, right? And that's it. Like, and don't ask a yes or no question. Like, do you come here often? That's a yes or no. You had an opening question. Um, and think of it

just like a really good practice, you know, because if you don't find a guy, you know, to hook up with, you might make some friends at the gym, like in the process, especially if you go to the gym all the time. And it's great practice because that doesn't seem like you're coming onto them. Like there's a million things to observe. Maybe you're waiting for the yoga class, and there's a new teacher. Have you taken this teacher before? I hear there's great yoga classes here.

Which ones do you recommend? So I think it's really just observing, and there's again, I don't know if you go to my gym, there's a lot to talk about there. I'm in LA, and it's just a breeding ground for conversation. And you got bumble as a backup. I love that you're in bumble. A lot of people hook up there, and it's just a breeding ground for conversation. And you got Bumble as a backup. I love that you're in Bumble. A lot of people look up there

and that's also about observing, sharing, and asking question because on Bumble, as you know, that's the app for women to make the first move or make, you know, you match and then you have to send the first comment. And so observe something in their profile and then share something about yourself and then ask a question.

You can do the same way there. So you're gonna be great, Sarah. I think you're healthy. You wanna find someone to hook up with? You're 24, good luck. You got this. Okay, next thing about dear Emily, I'm a young guy, 20 years old, and I'm pretty new to sex. I absolutely love sex as I believe it's a way to transcend

our normal everyday reality, and I love to learn, especially about sex and relationships from you. My question is this, what advice can you give to young guys who wanna learn how to be great lovers? What are some key things that every guy should be aware of and be doing when he's with a new partner, having sex for the first time to make it as great and experience as possible for both parties?

I love new experiences and new lovers, and I want every girl to have an amazing experience when she's with me and do everything possible to help her climax. Jordan, Tampa, Florida. See Jordan, you didn't need science to tell you how important it is for four orgasms either. You know, it's important, but I like that you're saying that you want you, you know,

both of you want to have a great time during sex because that is what it's about. You know, I know I was just focusing on female orgasms, but we should all be having good time. And I love that you're asking this question because there are so many guys they never ask or they never really think about how could I be a great lover? Like, what can I learn? I think a lot of guys just stress about being great lovers and they worry about being great lovers

and they pray that they're great lovers. But you're actually asking and you're young enough, like you're 20, I think it's just, I love that you're thinking this way. So obviously, I could probably devote like an entire show on this topic, but let me just give you some basics because I don't want overwhelmed you.

But if you keep listening to the show, I promise that you just, you can't help but being a great lover from digesting these podcasts. Okay, so when you're with a new partner, before you even get started, it's really important that you know, you wanna make her feel desired,

because I'm sure you're with her because you do desire anyway. So don't like block yourself from telling her, like complimenting her and letting her know that you find her sexy, you know, she smells good, like you love her, you know, the top that she's wearing her earrings are, you know, be specific. Her eyes, you know, God, I didn't know how to say your eyes, you know, they change colors,

or just something very specific to her. Because you want her to feel comfortable and feel good about being with you. So that's like setting the tones you guys are relaxed. You also want to set the atmosphere. I'm like on this whole clean sheet thing lately, but really clean sheets, good smells, good sense, get a candle, they sell candles everywhere. You don't want to think distracting or gross around. And I get it and you're just hard sometimes to clean up and make it, but this is like just make that a priority. But I'm telling you, it makes a difference. Like all these things with sex, we can get distracted. She comes in, there's like mess on your sheets.

It's not good. That kills the mood. Music, also great, place some great music. So that's the whole thing about the atmosphere. Like just like music and sheets and smells. Okay, and then foreplay. If you remember anything from this, foreplay is key, it is not just like a light suggestion, it is a requirement. So even though you're super excited to be having sacks, which I get so excited she's there, she's in your room, and I think a lot of guys what happens is we rush, and you go really quickly because you're so excited to be having sex and maybe she's going to shut you down and you just want to get there. But it's so important to go slow. Like I always say, go five times slower than you need to. You want to slow it down and you want to warm her up and you want to warm both of you up. You want to kiss. You want to touch

slowly, you know, slowly and dresser, take your time exploring her body. Remember, there's more to her body than her breasts and her vagina. There's like so many nerve endings going on between those zones, especially her neck. Like the neck is just so often ignored, like lightly kiss her neck. Actually, the right side of her neck, if you kiss the right side of her neck, it actually activates the left side of her brain, which can really turn her on. So I mean, don't ignore both. Kiss the left-hand the right, but they're saying about kissing the right neck.

That will ignite this part of her body that will get her super turned on. Yeah, next, next. God, you guys, next. I just, I love the next thing. I'm telling you, and it's funny because I actually hooked up with a friend recently who's been listening to the podcast. It was casual sex. I'm doing it as well.

And he's like, I know you're like, you're neck kissed. I'm like, I do. Thank you for listening. So yes, that's why I'm a little obsessed with it. Because I feel like what happens, it was sex a lot, is that we just, we do. We just skip through all the foreplay. You go right for the sex.

And for women, we just don't get turned on the same way. I know that you're ready to go, but she is not, okay? So going slow, kissing, and again, all those nerve endings, like not just a neck working your way down, like kiss her breasts, kiss her stomach, tease her thighs, like kiss them, rub them, like wait before you like head right in, right? Like you, and definitely like warm up her vagina,

like use lube, if you drop a lube on her clitoris, before you start touching her, don't spit into your hand, I know guys do that, it's just, it's just not good. Wash your hands too. Did I mention that? Wash your hands. But use a few drops salue. Joe Lou is amazing.

Put it by your bed. She's not gonna question you, just own that. Like just few drops. Put it on there. Also for sex, pay attention to her reactions. This is how you're gonna know how she's reacting to you and if she's turned on and how it's going. Because again, there's so much going on in your head.

Probably you're like, am I doing this or that? She's going to tell you everything if you pay attention. Is her breath quickening? Is she responding to you? Is she air-face-flushing? Is she moaning? Her body will basically tell you everything you need to know and how she's feeling in the moment. So pay attention to her eyes.

Are they open and staring at you? Is she like, what? What are you doing? Or is she like moaning in the moment? So I think I think that's good to start with Jordan. So for play make her feel good, set the atmosphere and go slow. You're the man Jordan. Hi Emily, my husband aged 33 and I've been married for two years together for 3.5. In the beginning sex was fun, passionate, frequent, as usual at the beginning of relationships.

Now it seems like my libido is non-existent and I'm perfectly happy having sex once or twice a week or less. His libido is as high as ever and he wants it once or twice per day and doesn't really like masturbating though he will when he's desperate. When we don't have sex as often as he wants, he gets frustrated and very cranky. So I feel obligated to get him off as frequently as possible, but sometimes I'm just plain tired or feel lazy. Sometimes I just have sex with him, even if I don't want to, hoping that I can get a rouse during it. Half the time this works and I orgasm, and half the time I'm just going through

the motions that usually work and nothing, not even close. It's like I can't get my brain into it no matter what. We have toys, we try things, we do some for play's like I can't get my brain into it no matter what. We have toys, we try things, we do some foreplay, but I could always use more. This is extremely frustrating for me and him. I used to be super horny in my teens and 20s and now I can hardly care less. How can I get my brain to want more sex? And am I just getting old? FYI did go off the pale body year and a half ago. Help! Jill age 36, California. Oh, Jill, this is just loaded here. There's so much going on, but here's gonna tell you

first, Jill, go easy on yourself. You're being really hard on yourself. We all do it. Yeah, there's a lot going on here and you're beating yourself up. You are having sex to connect with your partner and for your pleasure and sex shouldn't be stressful, although I know a lot of us make sex stressful, which is what a lot of these questions are about.

But it's really, I wanna try to make it more fun for you and I want you to relax around this because let me just give you a Reality check here. The fact that he's being cranky and that you're beating yourself up is not a good combo. And you're having guilt sex. You're basically saying, you know what? He's all cranky and he's the only master rate if he has to, so I'm just gonna guilt myself and having sex with them. So you guys gotta address this also because if he wants it once or twice a day and he's all cranky and upset

and he stomped around the house without it, this is that kind of imagine your husband like throwing a tamped room. That does not leave any room for compromise and compromise is so important in relationships. You know what it comes to sex? I mean, it's very common that there's miss Bachelobitos that one partner's gonna want sex more often than the other.

Like, it's almost guaranteed it's gonna happen. But with your husband who wants a twice a day, you're just sending yourself up for failure. Because that just that's sustainable twice a day. Like, you know, he's gotta adjust his expectations and so you guys can find middle ground. So, you know, you gotta sketchling sex, you guys. I used to be against it when I first heard about it years ago. My scheduling sex, that is a buzzkill buzzkill like if you put sex on my calendar I'm just gonna not do it

But here's the truth scheduling sex is great for couples especially couples like like both of you Jill because The thing is once you know what's gonna happen and he knows it's happening so you're like okay Saturday night We're having sex because then you know what's gonna happen He's not gonna keep trying on Friday because he know it's having Saturday and you can start getting your brain on board for sex and you can start thinking about sex ahead of time. And so that would kind of put you both at ease

and I think scheduling sex great to four couples. So you asked about getting your brain on board and here's the thing, a lot of women have this issue and this challenge, in fact, I think most do. You're not gonna automatically be on board for sex every time, especially not twice a day. So just know that. Women and men become aroused so differently.

And here's the thing, like men, he sees you, he's beautiful wife, you walk in the room and he's like, I'm ready to go. And you're like, I really was just sitting here finishing this text message. I didn't even know you were home, you know? And that's okay.

That's okay that we work differently, but that means that it takes a little extra work on your part. So it's important to like develop a rich fantasy life. I've been talking a lot about fantasy in this last year and a lot of women naturally have fantasies and by fantasy I mean, just those moments that you can think about, it could be as simple as the hottest sexual fantasy

or moment you've had with your partner. Like maybe you guys had amazing vacation sex last summer and you can like think about that moment when you were so turned on under the palm trees or maybe you would breed a rhodica or you watch porn, you know, think back to sexy times that you can like tap into when you wanna get turned on. So again, you may already have those

and if you don't, again, reading a rhodica watching porn, getting some, if you go to, like, scenarios will totally help you get on board. Masterbaiting. Masterbaiting will get you on board. This might seem kind of counterintuitive to you, but it is proven that the more you masturbate,

the more you desire sex. It's like working out. The more you go to the gym, the more you wanna go to the gym, right? The more you do anything. That's how you develop a new habit. So, and masturbation is great. Masturbation will decrease your stress,

helps with migraines, helps with PMS, some say it helps with your skin. I'm not so sure about that one, but hey, let's just say it does. It helps with everything. So masturbation is just a great habit to get into, plus you'll be able to learn your body more and you'll understand like,

hey, maybe I didn't know that I could work and I have multiple orgasms or whatever it is. Also, part of getting your brain in bored is having a pre-sex ritual that makes you feel sexy and you feel desirable. So if your husband's like, I just want to get down, I want to have sex right now, you know, you got to figure out what gets you in the mood. It could be like setting atmosphere like lighting candles, taking a shower or bath, like finding great music or playlists that gets you in the mood, like you can have a sex playlist

on your Spotify or wherever you listen to music and be like, this does it. Like I have a running playlist playlist like I seriously would not run if I didn't have this playlist because I listened to this one song, it just gets me going. And sex is kind of the same way. So fine, what happens? Like, find what can get you going because women's arousal starts in your mind. And that's where you gotta like put your attention to that. And you said that four plays not happening enough. Why? Ask for it. Tell him. Let him know. It sounds like you have asked for it

Okay, I'm sure you have said to him, babe, I need more four-play and you will be like, yeah, babe whatever and some guys don't get With that means but we require like we we need like 15 to 20 minutes at least to get warmed up There was a study that said actually it's 18 minutes if you want to Sight science, but let him know. I mean you can say babe, you know, I really like it when you make out I keep fantasizing about that hot kiss we had after dinner last week or when we pulled over the cart on the side of the road or when you're kissing my neck. I'd love to do that more often. I think that would help me be in the mood more often. So if he sees it like he's doing something bright, you're not saying baybart and give me like oral, but you're like, or maybe yeah,

maybe you want to go down to you. Can't believe I forgot that one. It's one of my favorite, that is for play. I love it. So let him know like this is something that makes you feel good and we'll lead to sex more often. I think you got some work set up of my favorite, that is for play. I love it. So let them know, like, this is something that makes you feel good and will lead to sex more often. I think you got some work set up for you here, but you can totally do this and all these things. And they're fun. Remember, sex is fun, masturbation is fun. So go do it, Jill.

You got this. Hi, Emily. I love your show. I listen on the podcast app in the Boston area. I'm 45 and newly single after a bad marriage. I've had this issue for years though. During oral or foreplay, I can last for three minutes or more. The minute I'm inside a woman, I last about two minutes.

I've tried delay sprays like KY Delay with no luck at all. It seems the moment the glands and frenulum come into contact, the sensitivity rises to the point, I can't control it. Can you help with this? I've tried not letting my partner touch me till it's time for intercourse, so it's not to get any penal stimulation,

but I have the same results. I always make sure my partner orgasms at least once, if I can, or earlier manually, I just don't want to disappoint. Thanks, Eric, age 45. Okay, Eric, I'm gonna give you some kudos here. Kudos to you for making your partner orgasm first. Very admirable.

She comes first, great book by Ian Karner. Love this book, but it's true. Just make sure she comes first. I always tell guys who, you know, have PE, they come before they want to. Make sure she's taking care of. So you're doing that. That's awesome. Check that box. Um, but you can work on this. And it takes some work on your own. And a lot of men have overcome premature ejaculation by putting in time to train themselves. Yes, it takes some training. Okay, so here's a few things you can try. You can practice during masturbation. So this is when a lot of your your practice is going to happen. You can masturbate with the fleshlite stamina training unit, which is awesome. We've been talking about the fleshlite for years. It's a male masturbation sleeve that actually is, you know is made to look and feel like the real deal like of a giant on has like patented technologies that's made from like NASA, like NASA invented. Anyway, the thing with the flashlight, the Stammatrinny unit is you use

a dream masturbation along with the stop start method. I mean, you start to masturbate with it, right, until you you feel like you're about to go over, right, until you feel about the orgasm and then you stop. It's called edging. So you stop, you keep going, and then you stop, and then you start again, and then you stop. And this way, you learn your ejacletory control. So you're like, you get that under control. So you know, I'm about to orgasm. So when you're having sex with the partner, you can be like, oh, this is when it's about to happen. And then you can adjust. And this will also help you last longer, because you'll know when it's going to happen, and you'll just learn to train your body. Doing your keg-electro sizes for men, also really important, that can also help you with a jacletory control, showing your penis.

I have an iPhone app called keg-al-camp that you should totally download because you can just remind yourself every day, five minutes a day. Also pick positions that don't involve thrusting when you're having sex, so you can focus more on like rocking and grinding motions like woman on top or Missionary position. Sorry, I know you guys love doggy style, but I'm gonna have to tell you no doggy style No jackhammer actually ever and whatever position you end up with like just take it slow go slow and try to play with these Different positions have sex first also you could try having sex first. I am you're 45 years old and wanting if you tried this But have sex or guys and quickly no big deal on her pleasure, go down on her for 20 minutes, you know, play

with some toys and then go again. Have you tried that? Because that can work for you. Maybe you're a factory period, you can come right back in 20 minutes and no problem, right? Women are very forgiving with this. I think, guys, you know, a lot of this also has to do with, you know, PE, here's the complicated thing. It's really hard to discern like what exactly like, is it your body, is it anxiety, is it because it's been happening for all these years that you just expect it's going to happen? Can you rewire your brain to think, you know what, it's not going to happen, I've got this under control. I think you can. So if you try some of these tools and know that you're focusing on it, I really

do think if you stick with this, you're going to be able to control it. Okay, last thing, you mentioned KY, just don't buy anything KY, don't buy the lube, and I would typically say don't buy anything in drug stores that like if you can't understand the ingredients, you shouldn't put it on your penis or on your vagina, except there is permessant, which is now available at right aid. So, permessant, you guys, I've been talking about it

for four years, it's truly revolutionary, it's the only FDA-proof treatment for premature ejaculation, it's also a delay spray, but it works a lot better for PE. Use like three to five pumps on your penis, and then you can like, work up from there. See how it works for you, but you gotta wait 10 minutes. It absorbs into the thin membrane, the skin on your penis, so it doesn't transfer to your partner when you wait those 10 minutes.

And you can last twice as long. If you start playing and with a few of these tips, I'm not saying I do every single one, but commit to a few like doing your kegels every day, like neck every other time you masturbate, you you know, try the stop start method either with the flush item without, and then buy some remess in, you don't have to do these all every single time, but I think that you'll start to gain more confidence, you'll know that you're doing something to proactively get in front of the pee, and you'll start to have better sex. So let me know how it goes.

Thank you so much, Eric, for writing and thank you for everybody for writing and being in touch and snapping and emailing me and tweeting me and all that good stuff. So yeah, follow me everywhere. Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, it's all at sexwithemily, Facebook.com slash sexwithemily. Thank you everyone, thank you to my new listeners and thank you for helping us hit an amazing goal of, you know, over a million downloads this month 1.31.4 something like that Let's keep it going tell your friends and welcome to the sex with Emily family and also thank you to my amazing sex with Emily team

For making this happen. Thank you to a producer Madison, Jamie, Michael, Helena, Ken and Lark. You're all amazing Thanks for listening. Was it good for you? email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC