Sex With Emily - How to Handle Your Sex Life with Hannah Cranston

Episode Date: December 15, 2018

On today’s show, Emily is joined by Hannah Cranston to talk about her new podcast Too Much to Handle & how to own your sexuality. They talk about ways to not let societal views influence how you date, mate, and live your life, tips that will help you date more efficiently for the best results, and how to make sure your pleasure is a priority in a relationship. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Apex, Hot Octopuss, We-Vibe, Sirius, Adam & Eve Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For More on Hannah Cranston: Click Here Follow Hannah on instagram & twitter: @HannahCranston  Listen to Hannah's Podcast Too Much to Handle: Click Here For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit: sexwithemily.com Check out even more Sex With Emily on SiriusXMStars 109 Mon-Fri 5-7pm PST!   Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm joined by Hannah Cranson to talk about our new podcast, Too Much to Handle. Topics include how to own your sexuality as a woman, ways to not let societal views influence how you date, mate, and live your life. How to make sure your pleasure is a priority in a relationship, and tips that will help you date more efficiently for the best results. All this and more more thanks for listening. Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean like laundry? It's shrink?

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here. So, I'm gone. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between.

For more information check out SexWithEmily.com and all the amazing things we have going on there to help you have better sex. We love when you review us and find the show wherever you listen to podcasts. Iatunes is great. That helps a lot. But also, you guys, if you haven't checked this out yet, I am right now on Monday through Friday. I have a daily show on serious XM

from five to seven PM Pacific, eight to 10 Eastern on Channel Stars 109. Do you guys have to tell you it has been a dream because people you can call in, we can talk, answer your sex relationship questions. Kind of look what we do here on the call shows, but now it is literally 10 hours a week. So if you check out our site,

we do have a place where you can get a free 30 day trial. If you don't have a serious exam, a lot of cars come with it now. So anyway, it's been a blast. But for many of you who've been concerned, the podcast is not going anywhere. We're still gonna do the podcast. And as always, you can find me at all social media

at Sex with Family Across the Board. I'm so excited to get into my guest, Hannah Cranston, she's been on the show. I think there's our third time on the show. Yeah. You might have to give them a chance. Third time's a charm. Third time's a charm.

How many sex toys do you can leave at this time? I think you're on three times. You get like a Sibie or something. Handa Cranston. Handa Cranston is host and content creator, and she just launched her new podcast, Too Much to Handle. What's your on? I'm on.

You're on. I just recorded an episode. We're doing a marathon today, and I just love Hand on. I'm on. I just recorded an episode. We're doing a marathon today, and I just love Hannah. I was like, I knew, but you should have a podcast, and now she does. It's a show for every woman who's ever been told that she's just too much. They're having the conversations.

You're already having behind closed doors, and we just had a really great conversation. Our Instagram's at Hannah Cranston, and the other episodes, if you want to go back, that she was on Section of the Emily was, turns on and turn off. And the next episode was, the real deal with dating. Hi Hannah.

Hi, how are you? I'm good. How is it going? Tell me about, so you've doing the podcast. Yes. Yes, it feels. It feels so great. It feels like, you know, when you do something

and it just feels right, like you're doing what you're meant to be doing That is how it feels for me because I'm talking about the things that me and my friends are talking about on our own And I'm just kind of getting into it about I'm providing a lot of history a lot of context a lot of statistics Because a lot of things that we face as women are a little taboo and we don't talk about them in public But a lot of women are facing it, so might as well talk about it. Well, let's talk about some of those things. So let's talk about, when you let this show

and you start thinking about it, what are those things in particular that, like I'm so excited of a platform to really talk about that? Yeah, actually, the way that I started the podcast was talking about what we talked about today is, are you still a feminist if you like to be dominated in bed and how do you really reconcile that?

That was one of the main topics that I wanted to get into because I do think that is something that so many of my friends have dealt with and have expressed. And so I was really excited to obviously break that down with you. That was really fun. Yeah, and another one is that we did last week,

which I was really excited to talk about was, is body positivity only for plus size women? Because the body positivity movement really just encompasses women who are larger and thin-shaming happens, fat-shaming happens, yes. But how do we sort of figure out whether thinner women who are thin-shamed can be part of that movement too. What do you tell women then who are feeling that? Do you talk about how to have that confidence too for women and how to feel really good about it? Do you guys talk about that? Yeah, we talk a lot about that

and like feeling good in your body, regardless of like the size or the shape or whatever it may be. I think what we really look at is, okay, why is the shape may happen? Like where does this come from? And I think understanding understanding where things come from and why you think the way you do, like looking at things with a critical eye,

like what you talked about on our episode about, you know, wanting to be dominated, can really be helpful in overcoming any sort of like shame or insecurities that you may have, because then you can see, oh wait, this is why I feel the way that I do it. This is why I'm receiving the negative backlash that I'm receiving.

And then you can kind of be like, well, where do I feel authentically? What do I, you know, what do I, where do I get to decide? Right. Because, well, I think it's so interesting because I mean, I'd love to actually go and kind of talk about what we just talked about

because it's almost like a re, now that it would be repetitive, but like a recap because for me, or it's a different angle, it was so interesting, because I didn't grow up thinking like the things that I was doing wrong sexually. I just thought that like I wasn't really sure what I was doing and I knew I wasn't having a lot of pleasure.

So I want to get into that in a second, but what's so interesting is that I think that what we're talking about is that a lot of us are raised with these certain beliefs from our parents, from society, from the certain beliefs from our parents, from society, from the, you know, religion, from our friends. And then there comes a point when you become like a young adult, let's say in your early 20s, you go away to college that you have to stop.

And some people, I think this is where the problem's coming. If you don't do this, you need to take time and go, okay, stop at my tracks. This is what I've been told. What do I believe? Yeah. Like maybe my parents thought it was wrong for me to have premarital sex, or to, I don't know what, to like whatever it is, get blow jobs.

You know, like the watch porn, but we get to decide when your adult what works for you. And that can be really like, it can be very inspiring for a lot of people to realize, oh, I have a choice. Those voices in my head are my moms. They're not mine. But that's, it's so hard. It's so hard. Because your mom's voice becomes part of your belief.

It does. It does. And so I'll give an example. Like, even last night when I told my mom I was going to be talking about sex, I think she had like trepidation about it. And that transferred to me. I felt that projection and I, in compass, I was like, maybe I shouldn't be talking about sex. Maybe I shouldn't, and I like had to take a step back

and be like, no, I know, I know myself. I know the impact that I want to have and what I want to do and freeing women to feel confident in themselves. And so, yes, sex is a huge part of that. Right? And I don't want to perpetuate that shame by not discussing it or like scurrying around the issue. And your mom's coming out from like, oh my god, my little Hannah. Yeah, and I don't want to alter it all. Of course, she's a product of her upbringing and all of that. Well, that's the difference that we have to realize, like our parents come many parents with the best intentions to protect her little girl.

But what you're doing though, is yeah, by having the conversation that we just had on your show, which everyone should check out, is that so many people are gonna be like, oh, I guess I can have enjoyable sex. Now, and still be submissive in the bedroom. So I think it's a service. And that's something that your mom, maybe she'll listen to it and she'll get that.

And how great would that be that you, maybe she won't, maybe you'll hide it from her, who knows? I hit baby steps. But I think it, I think that's interesting. So after our conversation, though, because this is something we haven't talked about at least a while in the podcast about a lot of women feeling that. Maybe we can talk about that,. When we're having sex that we don't feel like that it's hard to ask what we want or to be dominated because we don't feel like we're a feminist. And you're seeing a lot of your friends felt that as well, they felt guilt.

Yeah, they felt a lot of guilt in maybe wanting to be like spanked or something like that or choked. They felt like, or any sort of like rough sex. I mean, for me personally, like, not, not really, it was my thing. That's not really my thing, but even just like wanting to be on bottom, I almost felt like anti-feminist

because I was like, oh, I should want to be in control and I'll be on top and I'll, you know, make sure I get mine first, you know? And that's not what I find as enjoyable. Just like that's how the cookie crumbles. And so I think like being able to reconcile like, no, I can still be a feminist. I'm almost more of a feminist

because I'm seeking out what I enjoy and not letting society like determine what I'm allowed to or not allowed to enjoy. Right, we all get to decide. That's true. I thought that was very helpful. So what about these topics? So I'm thinking about, so you talk about,

let's talk about being too much to handle, because I think that I understand in the sense of, you know, dating, I've always been that, well, I'm like, oh God, I'm leaves a lodge. She's a handful, or like, I love Emily, but there's a lot of energy when Emily comes over, you know, even guys, like they love that about me, but it can also be like, whoa, intimidating.

Yeah, so is that kind of go back to the like, women are intimidating or men don't want to be with a strong woman? Is that kind of part of the origin of the title and what you were thinking? Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I was always told that I was like, quote unquote, too much to handle.

And I think I was told like, I was too loud. I was too opinionated. I was too needy. And I was just like too much. And I think a lot of women are also told that their bodies are too much, which I don't even understand how that's a thing. And as I've gotten older, I felt a lot of shame around that, right?

And I wanted to. You don't have to think too much. You don't have to think too much, yeah. I tried to make myself smaller both physically and emotionally and the way that I interacted in the world And then as I got older I realized that those qualities are flipping awesome And now we should celebrate that in ourselves and in others and that's kind of what the podcast is about Like we really get into some of the things where like

My first podcast was about slutty Halloween costumes, right? Like you can still wear a slutty Halloween costume, you can wear a slutty outfit whenever you want, and that doesn't say anything about your sexual promiscuity or your efficacy in the workplace or anything. It doesn't say anything about you, except for the fact that you decided you won't wear a slutty Halloween costume.

Right. But I think we judge women and we judge ourselves so much. Yeah. We're all more discredits. Yeah, exactly. And women in fighting is a big issue too. Like we judge each other because we feel we're pressed in certain ways.

And so we want to be like, if a other woman looks really free or liberate, we're, sometimes we're jealous of that. We're jealous, jealous. And so we, you know, get angry at each other and it's just bullshit. I think I'm allowed to say that. Yeah, of course, yeah. And one of the more you step into who you are and that power, so do you feel like

even by having this show that you feel like you are stepping into it as it feels good now, like you're too much handle, it's great. You feel more like you see how with your strength, it sounds like your strength. Yeah, that really is. I love it so much. I'm excited to record it every week

and I get giddy about it. And I like my poor boyfriend because we were like driving in the car we on a road trip this past weekend. And I was like, did you know, let me just tell you about the statistic about like feminism in this, like human sexuality and,

I just get so excited about it because it's not as mainstream to talk about these things. Right. And it does feel like so liberating to get out and be like, okay, no, like, F this, I'm gonna talk about things that were like, quote unquote, not supposed to talk about. Right. But that's so many women are thinking about.

Exactly. Well, I think that you give them through this and through what we both do is that we're giving women permission to take up space. Because I think that women do try to be small. In every space, we don't take the space up that we need to, because we feel bad, we're pleasers. We feel like our needs come last, and that we are.

We're so concerned what other people think. And so once you get to that place, we're like, I can still take up space, be strong, be smart, and be powerful, and still have concern for others. I don't have to be a total bitch, and be steamrolling everyone. I can still be a woman who has a lot of power, a lot of influence and takes a lot of space and still spread a lot more love.

I just feel like the more you get into yourself as a woman, the more like it, you know, that's the world. So what kind of feedback have you been getting from your show so far? The feedback's been really great. I mean, my favorite thing in the entire world is when teenage girls message me and DM me

that I've like informed their feminist ideology. Like I could just die a happy woman. Like that is all I need in life. But some of the feedback actually has been from men saying that like, you know, conversation on feminism can be really intimidating and they can be really excluding towards men. And so a lot of men are saying

that it's more approachable for them. And I love that too. Because like, I always say like, we can preach the choir all we want, but we do need men on our side too to achieve equality. And so I love that man are like super into the show too and are digging it. So that's been-

It's to be inclusive. Yeah, that's how I've bought my show too and are digging it. So that's been- It's to be inclusive. Yeah, that's how I've always felt about my show too. I've never said on this show, I think, you know, my long time list was, well, no, that I'm never about like, well, you know, men, they're just jerks or they're assholes. Because I don't believe it. I don't believe all women are crazy, which is like, that was when your first podcast.

None of that's true. And so I'd be like the more inclusive we are because there's so much hate out there and there's so much judgments we all do to ourselves. And others that the more we can try to find these unifying factors to bring people together So I love that it's feminist, but it's you know, it's for for men and for women. Yeah, I think that's um and for gender non-binary Everyone everybody so what about um what about like all this was social media and how do you think that that is impacting? You know you grew up with it. Let's say like how do you think that's impacting everything that we're doing now and being like a

feminist like like even posting a hot photo but then still being saying something, you know, having a message like what do you still think that there's part of it that like you always have to look perfect and look great on social but yet you still, you know, how do we do with that? Because we're so all attached to our phones right now. I'm just sort of obsessed with not being attached to my phone though I still am. And I don't know how to reconcile that because we need for the best. No, I've been doing it, yeah.

Where I see the concerns around trying to leave it outside the baby at night and stuff. So I think it's really hard, right? I think that when you put yourself out there, whether you have like a more public personality, like you or I do, or if you're just somebody who likes Instagram, like most of the world,

I think it's hard because you know the second you post something and make it public, you have eyes on you. And I think that is difficult for a lot of people, especially for women, right? So my whole thing is like, I love one women post selfies of themselves where they're just like totally feeling themselves. I love I personally love posting

bikini shots or or shots where I think I look attractive because I think we have to love ourselves more and I don't think enough of us do like lean down like ourselves and like the way we look and like the way that we move through this world and so I think by posting those kind of photos, you can almost like sometimes fake it to you make it, you know? You know, what do you mean? Like, you post it, you're like, I feel hot, but would it, let's say I'm feeling insecure. So most of the time, I'm pretty confident with that.

I don't know if you could tell, but I'm pretty confident with that. But there are times when I don't feel super confident, but I'll like, oh, like this is an attractive, like selfie. I feel good about this selfie, so I'll post that and like showing the world that I'm confident almost makes me feel more confident. Yeah, yeah. Like you're just presenting as confident and then I feel more confident in that because I'm putting that face forward. I see, yeah, but I have to be back.

I see that, I see that. Yeah, I mean, it's the same thing. It's like, I'll give myself like pep talks before going into a meeting or before doing a show or something like that where I'm like telling myself. You got this. Yeah, you got that. Well, that's so important.

I think like affirmations, like I have notes in my house. Yeah. Sometimes that like, you know, I change them out. Like, just say things to me that remind me of things. It's important. The more we can affirm and then surround ourselves by really good people. If you go on through this phase up,

do you have friends, because you women talk a lot about, and I guess I don't have this out. I'm so averse to negativity or toxicity or friends who are jealous or have, I don't know, I just don't have those people in my life. I literally can spot it,

but I feel like, what do you do about that when you friends who are looking at your success, you've known for a while and they they have jealousy, or they might even try to do things that sabotage. Have you ever had any of that, and what do you do? How do you handle that? Yeah, I'm pretty similar to you.

I really try to stay away from negative people. I had a friend who I was really, really close with, and she told me that she thought my Instagram was annoying. And I understand where she was coming from it, because I do think, of course, there's a difference in what I put on Instagram and who I am in real life. Like, spoiler alert, Instagram is not reality. I hate to break it to you. But, Exactly. But Instagram is part of my career. Reality to it, right? Yeah, right. And so when she said that, it felt like an assault.

Whereas like a stranger, a troll could tell me, they hate my Instagram, I'm like, I like f off. Like, you know, I don't really care. She's your friend. This is my friend. This is somebody in my real life. This is somebody in my circle who I've allowed in my circle. And to have that felt like she was disparaging my career.

Whereas I don't go into your accounting office and how you're doing your ex-self-sheet wrong. Or your ex-self-sheet annoying yet. And she's hit right. You know, I don't like. So it's a guy I don't think people because it's so public see that there's a parallel there. And so I honestly, not so caring.

Yeah, I guess it's a competition offense who are like, competitive like that are weird. And probably it's, you most of the time when people say things to you, it has to do with their own issues, not you. But most of the things that earth does about people is not about us at all. She probably doesn't love her Instagram,

or wishes hers was more like you or whatever. So it's some, but if you're not a friend or a partner, which has also been an issue for me in the past, that like can't celebrate other people's successes, like by Felicia. And nobody has time for that. And you should be the woman

to who can celebrate other women's successes, or your partner's successes. That is so crucial. That's something that I think you learn it. I don't know how I always pick that up, but I think as a woman to tear a man if you're hearing this and you're getting, you feel like you're being, you have friends that you're feeling compared to with or you know, you can flip that kind of just keeps sending love,

keep supporting them and you realize it, it evaporates, it goes away. And it can be really motivating. If somebody else can achieve kind of what you want, be like, oh wait, it's achievable. I could do that too. Exactly. It can be really inspiring. Yeah. inspire you not to bring you down. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good point.

Okay, so Hannah also, so I wanna go back to sex real quick. Yeah. We just have to. So on that thing, is that something you like to talk about a lot? Yeah, I do. Sometimes I like to get to sex, I do.

So okay, so you have this boyfriend now. I do. And so you're saying that, like I wanna talk about real quick, like, is there anything, I don't know, what I was going to say here, that you've learned about sex in our last discussion, how you felt, for example, I just think it's a good example about the blow jobs,

about how in the past you might have felt that it was something that was degrade. Like, can we talk about this from the inside? Yeah, no, yeah. I think it's very relatable. So I mentioned on too much to handle. I guess. I, in the past, when I was younger,

because of the portrayals that I'd seen women going down on men, giving head to men, like always looked so degrading. It was a man's foreshowsing her. But it seems like you're choking her. Forcing that for you some porn. Yeah, that's what you've seen. And she's putting stuff all over her face and everything.

And it just seemed so degrading and so disrespectful So I always thought that giving head was something that was Anti-feminist right that it was that it was degrading that it was something that is not respectful towards a woman Until I got older and I started to sort of like break down that like oh there is a way to do this respectfully Because like that we just not show that right we're, there is a way to do this respectfully. Because like that, we're just not showing that. We're not showing a woman being into it, right? No. Well, that's in the porn that you saw going up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You talked about how you grew up just seeing it and you're right and that's, you could, yeah. And so you get like, you get so caught up in that. And then when you have like real life experience because another spoiler alert, porn is not reality, right? Either. But when you get older and you start having real experiences

and you love somebody, you want them to have pleasure and you want them to enjoy themselves. And you can find, like, I found my own enjoyment in doing that. Now, I've made such a switch because it's like, oh, like, I'm doing something that is giving my partner pleasure and that is, that is it in itself pleasure oval. Exactly. Then that's what relationships are about. Yeah. You're sick. You bring them chicken soup.

Like you want to take care of them. This is a very nurturing thing. And this is maybe think too because we've been getting actually on the serious show. We've been getting a lot of calls about. And we get this on the show too. Women who just don't like it. They don't like giving blood ups. And I always say well it's probably is it the taste is it whatever it whatever, but I never, I hadn't, from your perspective, thought like they actually think it's degrading, which not in a while have I thought about. This is kind of bringing it to mind that I could actually, it's something interesting. I think that there's probably a lot of people listening, or I'm like, huh, I wonder if that's it. And so for, I hear from a lot of men who are like, why will my partner do this? It might be interesting to take

this conversation into your bedroom and ask your partner like, is there something about blow jobs that you think isn't right for you? As anti-feminism or that you feel like it's going to be degrading because it's because what you mostly saw, you're right, a lot of porn. If you go to Pornhub, you are going to see him shoving your head down and choking, coming places that, you know, he has not asked, and she is not consented to. Right. So I think that's really, I think that it's just very illuminating for me. Yeah.

And I think I at least I know a few of my friends who feel the exact same way. And who's still to this day feel like giving head to them is just something that they think is check off the list. Yeah, that's not for that. They don't they won't even do it. Oh, they won't even do it. They're just like, this is if a guy wants me to do this like that. It seems too forceful for them. And I think a lot of that comes from like the context that we have around head. Exactly.

So I think it's so interesting because these same men, they're having sex with probably girl watching the same porn where they don't, not only do women think they don't know how to give it, men don't know how to receive. So they think for me to receive a blow, I got be shh, she's gotta deep-throated. I gotta make it aggressive. And so I just think that this is interesting. It's an interesting debate. This could be more oral, you know, who knows?

Oral sex movement might explode right now, for this. No pun intended. Exactly. Exactly. All right, we're gonna take a quick break and then we'll come back with more. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ and then we'll come back with more. Here's my question for you, Hannah.

Bring it to me. Okay, so you talk about women being too much. What do you think about this? Because I often heard this when I was single and dating, and I never believe this, and he's like, oh, he's probably just, are guys intimidated by you? Or they're probably really intimidated by your,

not just because of the sex thing, I get that. People I get that, but you probably got that as well. You're successful and beautiful and smart, and what do you think that you call BS in that too, or maybe a guy is, but he's not your man, what's your position on that? Yeah, I think a lot of the times that stems from insecurity, and I don't think that has anything to do with the woman, because I think a lot of the times women feel like they may have to play down their smarts, or play down their successes for a man, because we're taught that if we're too successful,

or if we're too opinionated, or too whatever, that's going to be somehow masculating. Right. And I think a lot of times we do hedge ourselves for men and the men that you're supposed to be with aren't going to be, aren't going to feel insecure. Exactly. But I think when we say like intimidated, that makes women out to be scary,

right? And we're not scared. You're not intimidating. He's intimidated. Exactly. There's a big difference there. Good way to switch it, because I do hear from women a lot who are single or they're on the dating apps and they'll call into the show and they'll say, oh, I think it's because I have a really good career and I know what I want and I'm really strong and men just they're not into it. And I always say like, then you probably just haven't found that that man yet because I think that women have a history of trying to make ourselves smaller and like what your podcast is not taking up too much space

and that really wants to encourage women just to keep being you and you are gonna find that person. I think it's important for women who are like super alpha like I am and like you are to also show that like, I'm also vulnerable. You gotta be, you want to show all of it. So it's okay to have feelings and emotions. You can still be tough and strong and be a woman in the world

But to also show like you know your heart and it's okay to show what you want. That's a practice Yeah, absolutely and I think it's really important for couples to remember both You know women and men and gender non-binary that when you are in a partnership Winds and successes are team wins and successes. It's not like the other person's success somehow detracts from your own success, right? It's a team win. Like when you succeed, I succeed. Exactly. And we can celebrate that with each other and flourish in that rather than have it be

like a power dynamic or some sort of, you know, any competition, competition that comes up. Yeah, I think that can happen with a lot of couples, the jealousy and the competition, and I feel like, and even in friendships, like if you could kind of look at it, if I win, you're winning. Like if you're in a loving relationship to support your partner and their successes

and their failures, that's what love is. That's how you have the true intimate relationship. So Hannah, when I saw you last months ago, you didn't have a boyfriend. I know. And now you do. I do. And I'm so what you seem really happy.

I am very happy. And I want to say you met him on an app. We did. So on an app. I was on a dating app. I mean, we've talked about this before. We've talked about it on your podcast, the dating app world, and how it can be really disheartening, because you keep going on your podcast, the dating app world, and how it can be really, you know, disheartening,

you know, because you keep going on these dates and sometimes you go on a lot of bad dates and you get discouraged, and it's hard, it's hard out there. Now so what is hard out there? Yes, so what, first of all, what kept you going and what have you learned from the apsocure? Where are some good tips you could share?

Yeah, I hate this phrase, but it is a numbers game. It is, and I know that sucks to hear, because that means going on a lot of bad dates sometimes, but it is about putting yourself out there. I guess that's a better way to say it, right? Putting yourself out there, and even if you have a bad date, or even if you face rejection or something like that, still going on another date,

because there is somebody out there that you are going to click with and have something really special with, it just might take a little bit more time and maintaining that patience is something that you really have to practice. So I would say patience but also efficiency. I think that's a big one because I think for me, like, I don't, I don't want to waste my time and I don't want to waste somebody else's time. And so figuring out if that person's going to be a good match for you is really important.

I asked my current partner on the first date, I was like, are you a feminist? Like, tell me about your thoughts. Like, I want to know your political beliefs and because those are things that matter to me. Now, that doesn't matter for everybody and that's not a priority for everybody. But we had that discussion, we had this discussion about

like if we both wanted kids and marriage really early on, really early, because I don't wanna waste time, I don't wanna waste my time. I know what I want out of a partner, I would know what I want out of life, I know where my priorities are. And so being efficient and covering my bases for the things that are really important to me, I think is also a good tip because I think a lot of women

feel like if they bring up something that's important to them or if they bring up marriage, if they bring up kids and expressing that they want those things, they're worried they're going to perceive, be perceived as quote unquote crazy or too needy. And the right person for you isn't going to think that. they're gonna be perceived as quote unquote crazy or too needy. And the right person for you isn't going to think that. Exactly. I've been told I was all of those things in previous relationships.

And my partner now was like, no, I don't think that about you. Like I don't think you're high-mightened or any of those other things that you've heard before. And so that's how you know that it's a good fit. You didn't have to change who you are. For God's sake. Yes. You were full on Hannah Cranston

and he fell in love with you all of it. Yeah. So I think that that's such a good tip because why should we mess around? Like being efficient if you know you want kids and you know your religion's important to you or you work all the time in your workaholic, but you only have time on the weekend. Whatever it is, bring it up as early as you can because why date someone five times? Those are five nights of your

life. You will never get back. If you could have found on the first date, they don't want kids and you do. Or there's, you know, but you're out. If that's a deal breaker for you. Right. And knowing yourself, right? Knowing yourself, knowing what's important for you, knowing what sort of things that you really want out of a relationship is also really important. And getting in tune with your self and being confident in yourself, I think is another really great tip that we forget, because it's all about like the other person. Yes. Do they want to date me?

It's like, no, wait, do I want to date them? Exactly. Like, do I feel in my body and in my brain? Yeah, like you're interviewing them as much as and again, women being pleased or sometimes we're like, I just want every guy go out with to really like me and I love sports and I love hot dogs. Yeah, I'm into casual sex. Like great if that's you, but don't like fake it to make it. I think the more yeah, the more real the more authentic we are, the more we show our true

selves, it's that's gonna get you more which you want a lot quicker. So what about just the active, and I did some of the apps for a while, and I did get overwhelmed with the messaging and getting back to people, and I mean, did you have like a good hack for that or a good system for keeping track

or just things that you learned, like what not to do's and don'ts of the apps? No, I go set a lot of people. Sorry, I apologize to all of you out there. No, it is hard, it's super overwhelming. I think there are some apps that like consolidate the number of matches they give you, and I think that was really helpful for me, because it's like, oh, it'll give you three in a day or 10 in a day or whatever it is. And then you're done. So like it's a little bit like that.

Yeah, it's, it's more, um, like an efficient, I guess, I guess that's a common theme. And so I think that's really helpful or a lot giving yourself an allotment of time because you could sit and swipe. I mean, it turns into a game. You could sit and swipe for hours. And so I think like giving yourself a boundary for how long you want to be on the app is really important. But honestly, my current boyfriend, when we started talking on the app, he was so engaging with the conversation. Like he was telling me a lot about himself and what he was doing and asking so many questions.

And so for me, I wasn't going to let the conversation fizzle because it was so engaging. Right. You ghost on the guys were like, what's up? Yeah, we were like, we matched, but give me something. Yeah, like, oh, like, how are you doing? Oh, I'm really hungover. Okay, like cool. Like ask me something or tell me something

a little bit more that I can work off. Like, I'm pretty good at talking. You are. You both got in my job. I'm gonna talk her. It was a good talker that, yeah, you wanna engage. I think that that is all. If you're single too, I feel like a lot of people,

like well, I'm never doing the apps or I'm never doing it. It's like if you really wanna find someone and you're not on the apps and you're not trying different things that you say you'll never do, you're probably not gonna find someone. I think if you're single and you don't have to do the apps and but just do something, make a step every day towards finding someone. It think if you're single, and you don't have to do the abs then, but just do something,

make a step every day towards finding someone. It's like you're looking for a job, tell everybody you know that you're single. Like let your friends know, let your people, you run into it a party, and you know anyone, you know, to make it party, you'll do something different.

Say yes to those weird Facebook invites that you get from people that you don't really know. Right. But you might meet someone. Like, people, there are single people everywhere. You have to work at love and getting a relationship and maintaining a relationship just like you would work at anything. It's like going to the gym, it's like going to work.

It is about putting in the time and effort. And I think so many people are so, especially when it comes to dating apps, and especially when it comes to older people, they're so concerned with the story that they're going to tell, right? Nobody wants to say like, oh, we met on a dating app. Like, oh, we'll come up with like, oh, we met at Whole Foods or stuff.

We met at a bar, we met, you know, whatever it is. And I'll tell you, like, I was sort of in that camp. Like, I was like, I don't really want to meet a partner on a dating app. And now, once I found somebody who I love and I cherish, I was like, I don't really want to meet a partner on a dating app. And now once I found somebody who I love and I cherish, I'm like, I don't give an F, like I will, I'm at HeyMeth, a dumpster, I don't care. Just like, it doesn't matter. It does not matter because at the end of the day,

it matters who you find wherever you found that. Absolutely, I feel like that, and I do feel like that stigma is gone a little bit, I mean, because we're all doing it. Well, I'm happy that you found love and he doesn't think that you're too much to handle. Because you're not too much to handle. And nobody's too much to handle. No, we're not. I think that women are, you know, what would even the equivalent be of a guy being too much to handle? Does that even exist in the world that you're like, oh, so we did this pod. We did this episode on my podcast about women who are called crazy. And it was really interesting because red flags that are what men consider

to be red flags for a woman to be crazy are like, oh, she cries over stupid things. She talks about kids, you know, she's too emotional, whatever it may be, right? And then what women consider red flags for men to be crazy are like, oh, he tried to strangle me in my sleep. He said he was gonna rape me. That I was completely, completely opposite. So it was these extremes where men are calling women crazy because we're women like a human. Yeah, and then when we use that term for men, it's because they

might actually be mentally arranged. Yeah, super interesting. That's interesting and then kind of disturbing. And so I love that you talk about, I feel like every guy you ever talked to, would you say, so why'd you guys break up? I'll say, she was crazy. Yeah, that drives me crazy. It drives me crazy.

Can you put a little more texture to that? It's not even interesting. Like I'm like, oh, wait, and I'll even say, now, wait, let me crazy. Can you put a little more texture to that? It's not even interesting. I'm like, oh, wait, now, let me even say, wait, let me guess. Was she crazy? Yeah. I'm like, oh, well, you know, I just feel like it's a cop out, too. It is. It's a total cop out because it's a lot easier to say, like, she was crazy versus, oh, she

had legitimate concerns about my communication skills and I was unable to deliver. That's a little bit harder. It's a little, you know, wordier. Right. Exactly. But I would love everyone, man, and that's the only men to do it too, but I think we all could learn to communicate around all these things.

I think that I think we learned so much from every single relationship, even if we got out of them, I think it's nothing to be ashamed of. And I think it's good to understand why a relationship ended, and then have an articulate story about that. If I'm going out with a guy, and he says, oh, my ex, she was crazy, I get concerned. I'm like, well, then I'm like, well, what really happened? I think to have your, you know, some people break up and they don't take their part in it, because there's 50, 50, there's two.

And even if your partner did something, not if you strangled your man like that's to range. But usually your whist somewhat takes two to tango so we all have our part in it. So I just think it's better to talk more intelligently about your why things ended. You learn so much about what you want in a future partner but you also learn about yourself and I think taking the time to figure out, okay, how can I be a better partner and how can I be my best self within a relationship is really important reflection to, you know, take the time to do as well. Absolutely, Hannah. We're not too much.

Not too much at all. Hannah Cranston, I have to ask you before you you go, I have five quicky questions for you. Let's do it. Let's ask all of our listeners. Let's have a quicky. Okay, Hannah Cranston, what's your biggest turn on? Humor. Biggest deal breaker.

Cat person. I deal first date. You're ideal first date. Something like Arcade, like something interactive, competitive. Fun. Sexiest body part to you. Forums. Oh, number one dating tip.

Be honest. I like it. Love this. Hannah Cranston, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for having me here. I'm so excited. How can people find you? People can find me on my new podcast too much to handle on iTunes and anywhere else

that you listen to podcasts. They can also find me on Instagram and Twitter at Hannah Cranston and on Facebook at Hannah Cranston Host. Thanks for being here. Another fun conversation with Hannah Cranston. Okay guys, we are onto your emails. You know how much I love answering your questions. So if you want to question an answer on the show,

go to sexwithammy.com, click the Ask Emily tab, fill out the short form, check a yes if you'd like to be called. Or email me feedback at sexwithmwe.com and please, please, please include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to this show. Thanks guys. Okay, Jamie's here with me and she's going to read the emails. All right, this one is from Aaron, who's 27 in Maryland, he writes, hi Emily, first off, love your show, and sharing the podcast with my friends.

Out of general curiosity, I wanted to get your take off of something one of my friends said when the topic of sex came up. She had said that she has hooked up with a guy many times, but by her definition that did not include vaginal sex. Her reasoning behind this was, you don't fuck guys you like, and when you finally have sex, the men have all the power. My initial response and conversation was, to be careful with that line of thinking, as leading the guy on for too long, may lead him to moving on, and just not bothering at

the whole waiting game. Later when I got home, I was thinking about it more in depth, about how in my mind, sex shouldn't be thought as a power struggle between two individuals, rather a time where both people can come together. It's not often I hear this perspective from women, I'm just curious if this is something be thought as a power struggle between two individuals, rather a time where both people can come together. It's not often I hear this perspective from women, I'm just curious if this is something a lot of women think about when it comes to sex with someone they like. Thanks.

All right. This is a really interesting question, Aaron, and I really like it because I really, it really got me to think and I was like, okay, huh. It's a great point because the fact that she says, you know, you don't sleep with the guys you like when you've sex and men have all the power is actually, I've heard that a lot from women, you know, I guess women of all ages,

but especially I feel like it's younger women who feel that the second they give it up, that they guys are in control and they can decide if they get to sleep with them or dump them or move on and that you give up your power. So yes, I believe that women do think that way, but I hope that many people have listened to this show realize that that is just a really not helpful way

to think about sex. And then your response, though, was, well, leading the guy on for too long may lead him to moving on. And so why are you playing, so it's all about game playing as we're talking about here because I also think that women worry, well, I want to wait, wait, want longer, but what if he leaves me and then some women sleep with guys too quickly because they're afraid the guy won't like them. And so the whole challenge here is what our beliefs around sex is that we have to play

some kind of game with someone and not really lead with our true hearts and minds and feelings about what actually feels right in the moment with each partner. We all have different views on sex. So I think that her way of thinking is common, but I'm hoping is becoming, will become outdated with realizing that men, women have equal power. That sex should not be seen as a power struggle and that we should sleep with people that we want to sleep with. And that we should sleep with people that we feel safe with. I mean, I always say I'm never going to give you a number like, wait three dates, wait three months.

But what I will tell you is that it's best to wait to sleep with someone until you feel like you can trust them and that you know them well enough to feel like this is a good decision. So I think when sex goes wrong is when we play games like, oh, I have to wait three months because, you know, if I do this, then this. That doesn't work. We never know who anyone is thinking in a relationship. We don't, everyone is different.

Like I think that when we are true to ourselves and we have honest and open communication with someone, which is what you know I'm all about, that if you are in a relationship we don't everyone's different. Like I think that when we're true to ourselves and we've honest and open communication with someone, which is what you know I'm all about, that if you're in a situation with someone and you're like, oh, I want to see with them, but I'm not going to, because you're thinking that they're waiting to talk about these things. You can say, I'm not comfortable what she could rather say with a guy,

your friend, for example, if she's dating someone, and she likes a guy, she could just wait and see, like, you know what, I'm gonna wait on the sex. I'm not feeling like, you know, this is something, I want to sex with someone that I feel like I have a connection with, like a real connection and I'm just not ready for it. Like, I think that the more that we're really honest with people and take out all the game playing that you're gonna easily be able

to weed out the people that you actually want to be with because not everybody believes in playing these games. Like I said, it's common that women believe this way. I talk to young women. I have a friend's daughter who's 19 and she's always like, oh, yeah, guys have the power. I'm like, no, you don't realize that we all have power. And I think, again, antiquated way of thinking. I remember thinking in college too, if I super the guy, he's going to think that he got something for me and

then he's in charge. That is a familiar way of thinking, but I think again, it's antiquated and I know that it's not a true way of thinking. So I think that if I could impart anything to everyone is that make decisions on your own and have honest communication before you sleep with someone. And I can also tell you that for women a lot of women That feeling that you're with a partner that you can trust and when you feel safe is when you have the best Most pleasurable most connected sex, which is what I think we all want

Thank you Aaron. Okay This one is from Sarah who's 26 in Idaho. She writes high Emily My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half, and recently our sex life has been almost non-existent. He's voiced his frustration with this a few times as he even said that his confidence has taken a hit because I constantly turn bound for sex. The truth is, I've become extremely resentful

towards him for not prioritizing my pleasure. A session usually lasts between three to five minutes in one position with very little foreplay. I attempted to explain that I need more foreplay in order to feel turned on, but the most I get is a couple minutes of him going down on me which feels forced and rushed. He did buy me a vibrator but then said that sensation was uncomfortable for him when we use it during sex so he expects me to use it on myself afterwards while he lays next

to me, not sexy. I don't know how to bring up these issues in a way that it won't upset or hurt him. We have a great relationship otherwise, but at this point, I feel absolutely no sexual attraction towards him. Please help. Okay, Sarah, I totally get this. So here is the deal. Again, there's also a lot going on here. Remember this, Sarah, that you're both coming into this and you both need to learn together as in every sexual relationship. Like I say, great lovers are born, they are not made.

And so there's always a little bit of teaching in every relationship and learning and paying attention to what each other's want. So I feel like you both want the same thing. You both want to have great sex. And I believe that he's doing the best he can right now with what he knows So even though you've told him that you need for play I'm gonna guess that he probably doesn't really get what that means yet

So it's gonna take a little bit more of explaining like he thinks you know for some guys like yeah You put your hand on my penis for five minutes. I'm ready to go but for women You know I say like if a guy goes out of me for three minutes, like you might as well, like just gonna fill my carpet gas or gotten me a sandwich or something is way more useful than three minutes of oral. Like we even started the party yet. I think it also bought you a vibrator shows me that he's actually interested in your pleasure, but yet to say that it doesn't feel great during sex is because that's another thing is that sometimes vibrators don't feel great on the settings that women like.

So maybe you can use it during sex, but make sure that it's either further away from his penis. So your hands kind of covering it as it's on your clitoris if you're using a higher setting or turn the setting down a little bit lower. So it could just be that one time you used it, that's happened to me before where I'm like, oh, it can kind of startle men or like you just got to kind of play with it. So I think there's a little dance going on here and you both have to just kind of have more talking about the fact that, you know, that foreplay to you, you appreciate, you

know, this is a conversation you have outside the bedroom and in a not judgment away and open not shaming, not blaming and just saying, I appreciate that, you know, you've made these efforts around, you know, I know we've talked about foreplay, I know I so appreciate you want me a vibrator and let me explain some things to you that for me to get warmed up, sweetie, I really need like, I want to kiss and make out and have you go down to me for like a while and take some time, take in our clothes off and important to get you warmed up. I suggest using the vibrator beforehand, like she comes first, right? So maybe when he's, you're using the vibe beforehand to get warmed up, then you'll be ready to get going into sax and that could also count as some of the

foreplay. So you can let him know you're liking that it's starting to make some changes, but you can't orgasm from penetration alone. And that's the other thing that men, you know, they need to learn that. Like, this is something that you guys know I've been saying for almost 15 years, but every single day there's someone who hears this information and they're shocked,

that only 20% of women actually have orgasms during intercourse. So, and of those women, not every time. So it just sounds like it has to be a little bit of like slowing down, really thoughtful on his conversations where you guys are working on it together. So it's not a, he said, she said, but together you're like looking forward to the next time you have sex because he's now getting what you want.

He's not going to feel like, you know, rejected anymore and you can let him know that the reason you're turning him down is you never want to make him feel that you're not into him, but you're not getting your needs met. And again, as much as you can affirm him, because when we feel on the defensive, we get a tack mode. If someone we ever feel bad, and even he's even going to feel inferior right now, because he's not going to realize that he actually possibly couldn't know this at this point, because, you know, no one's teaching this in school.

If he's not listening to the podcast, and I suggest you guys probably listen to the podcast together. That would be great. A lot of couples do, and it's life changing. If he's not listening to the podcast and I suggest you guys probably listen to the podcast together That would be great a lot of couples do when it's life changing So again, there's just education information and keep talking about it And this goes for everybody in a relationship having the conversation once or even twice isn't gonna cut it It's ongoing. It's checking in. How did it go? Did it feel better last time? I mean, I think that people believe that talking about sex takes all the thrill out of it, but I think it becomes fun, like talking about sports. So, yeah, babe, when you went down to me, it felt amazing. I was really close.

The next time, blah, blah, and it becomes hot doesn't have to be in bed. Maybe the next morning, you're talking about it. And then you guys, if you are both willing to really work on this and all the things you're talking about here, Sarah, I think that you can get there that you guys are having great sex. If you can get past him feeling defensive and upset and really listening and then you kind of having some patience around it, who knows what could happen.

Possibilities here are endless. So thanks for your email, Sarah, and have some good talk. Communication is a lubrication. All right, everyone, I hope you enjoyed this show. I love having our returning guest, Hannah Kranson on the show. Thanks for your emails and just everyone for supporting the show.

And to my amazing team, Ken, Sarah, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemley.com you