Sex With Emily - How to Have a Playful Date

Episode Date: October 22, 2024

Variety is the spice of life – as well as vital to your sex life. But how many times have you turned to your partner on Friday night and said: “how about dinner? Usual spot?” Planning a creative date requires thinking outside of the box. That’s why I’ve done the legwork for you of helping you create playful dates that are as unique as they are arousing. From role playing sexy strangers to planning out a sensual dinner at the farmer’s market, these date ideas will give you a break from the norm - while also building sexual tension and enhancing intimacy. In this episode, you’ll learn: Tips on how to align your dates with your unique arousal style, whether it’s through touch, adventure, or conversation, to keep things fresh and fun Fun, creative date ideas—like role-playing as sexy strangers or planning a sensual dinner at the farmer’s market—that spark connection and curiosity How to break free from routine and create exciting, playful dates that build sexual tension and enhance intimacy Show Notes: Try VIIA Hemp! https://bit.ly/viiaemily and use code "EMILY"! Join the SmartSX Membership: Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. Yes! No! Maybe? List & Other Sex With Emily Guides: Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides.  SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website  Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok | Threads | YouTube Let’s text: Sign up here Want me to slide into your email inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com

All of these little things that you try, they might feel a little bit uncomfortable because they are new and you've never done it before, but those are the ingredients that are really important for your arousal and for your attraction. Because the opposite of that is doing what you've always done. You go to dinner, you go to movie, you come home, you brush your teeth, you get in bed together and then you have sex and then you fall asleep and then you're bored and then you're emailing me, what do we do to spice it up? You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Friday is a spice of life, as well as vital to

your sex life. But how many times have you turned to your partner on Friday night and said, your sex life. But how many times have you turned to your partner on Friday night and said, how about dinner? Usual spot? Planning a creative date requires thinking outside of the box. That's why I've done the legwork for you of helping you create playful dates that are as unique as they are arousing. From role-playing sexy strangers to picking out ingredients together for a sensual meal. These date ideas will give you a break from the norm while also building sexual tension and enhancing intimacy. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the podcast. It helps get the show out to more people

and so I can keep doing more shows. It just takes two seconds. Please, right now, I'll wait. Well, I won't wait, but you know what I'm saying. You can also find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, X, all the places, all social media. It's at Sex With Emily. Check out my new articles, four menopause problems and how to solve them. And we tried the world's first silent vibrator. Here's our honest review of Whisper Bullet. Are both up on SexWithEmily.com.

Before we dive into the episode, if you haven't heard the news, I have to tell you about my brand new membership community, Smart SX. It is officially live and I've had a blast the last few weeks. Cause this membership is everything I've ever dreamed of and more. We're talking exclusive content, interactive workshops with top minds in sexual health, there's polls and so much more, all made for the membership community.

But honestly, my favorite part is the community. It's a safe space where like-minded people support each other, they're sharing experiences, they're breaking down all the taboos around sex and intimacy. It's truly empowering. So if you're ready to really bring more pleasure into your sex life and take the steps,

SmartSX is for you. So join the pleasure revolution today. Just head over to sexwithemily.com, click on the membership tab, or head straight to sexwithemily.com slash smart S-X. All right everyone, enjoy this episode. Today I want to talk about something that's super important, your vaginal health.

Think about it. We have products to use for our face and creams and lotions for our body. So why would we not have something in our routine for one of the most important parts of our bodies, the vagina? And that's why I'd like to introduce you all to V-Health. V-Health is a serum that uses four targeted

bioengineered human growth factors to naturally restore vaginal health while you sleep. You just apply some of the serum at night just like you would on your face but you put on your labia minora, majora, your clitoris and when you go to sleep it's gonna generate the vaginal mucosa and tissues. As we age the vagina ages as well and can begin to exhibit different symptoms like you might have dryness or pain. Well, V-Health can help with all of that. It moisturizes and soothes your vaginal tissue so it is reducing dryness, irritation,

and just regenerating new cells. It helps to promote a healthy pH balance, reduces the frequency of UTIs, helps with painful sex. I mean, what can't this product do? It's really an amazing thing for your vagina and it's completely hormone-free. And if you're not experiencing these symptoms currently, think of this as a preventative measure you can take

to maintain the health of your vagina. It's a really exciting product. I've been using it for about a month. Women on the team are using it here and we're just loving it. It's a great way to care for yourself. Try it out. You can save 20% right now when you go to getvhealth.com.

Use code EMILY20. That's G-E-T-V-H-E-A-L-T-H.com. Use code EMILY20. That's G-E-T-V-H-E-A-L-T-H.com. Use code EMILY20. So do yourself and your health a favor and check it out. Are you ready to unlock a game-changing secret for boosting your mood, your energy, and yes even your libido? Let's talk about your G-spot. Well not that G-spot, but your other G-spot, your gut health. Your gut microbiome isn't just about digestion, it's a key player in your sexual health too. The thriving gut helps balance your hormones and regulate neurotransmitters allowing you to

fully enjoy every intimate encounter. I've tried every probiotic out there. You know those trendy drinks, the refrigerated options, but then I found Just Thrive and it's a total game changer. I have more energy, I'm not bloated anymore. After a meal, I'm not tired. I didn't know any of this could happen, like just from taking a probiotic and then I noticed when I don't take it when I travel. So I'm a little bit addicted to it. A balanced-cut microbiome is key

for reducing stress too and anxiety. So if you wanna elevate your health and your sex life, give Just Thrive a try and you can try it risk-free because they offer 100% money back guarantee because they know you're gonna love it. And for a limited time, you can save 20% off site-wide at JustThriveHealth.com with promo code SexWithEmily. That's JustThriveHealth.com and use code SexWithEmily

for 20% off your order. Give your gut the love it deserves and watch your overall vibe and your intimate life transform. deserves and watch your overall vibe and your intimate life transform. Today's episode is all about adding a variety to your dating life. So doesn't get boring, it doesn't get stale and that's pretty much what a lot of people are craving in their relationships. something new and something exciting. So I wanna start out with this email that you sent me that I think really illustrates the predicament

that we are tackling today. Tell me if this resonates. This is from Lydia, she's 28 in Virginia. "'Hey Dr. Emily, I love your show and follow other podcasts when you're a guest.' All right, this is a hard one for me. "'My long-term boyfriend and I maybe have sex once every four months, if even.

We both want to have sex, but so much time passes between intercourse that it becomes too awkward and vanilla. There are no relationship issues outside of little fights, you know, leaving the toilet seat up, ha ha. I love some insight on how to attract each other back to the bedroom without being weird about it. We have great communication, everything except sex.

We plan date nights to initiate intercourse, but then we just lay around and fall asleep. It's like we become too comfortable with each other. What do we do? Okay, I got you Lydia. Here's the thing. This is the classic, classic challenge that many people have in their relationships.

You're best friends, you love hanging out together and everything's great. You're so comfortable, you know, you're like roommates, especially when you're not having as much sex. So right now, my suggestion to you would be to get curious and have some really great conversations with your partner about your sex life. Like, think about it. Have you ever partner about your sex life. Like think about it. Have you ever talked about your sex life first off? Have that conversation, talk about the three T's

of communication, timing, tone, and turf. Have it at a good time when you're hanging out and you guys are kind of just in a good space together. Your tone is light and curious and open and it's outside the bedroom. So you say, you know what? I realize that we both are trying to have sex. It seems like we both know it's important,

but we're falling asleep and we're doing all these things that aren't quite working. So how about this? Let's each write down the three most memorable times you've had sex and then swap the list. Well, you know what happens when you do that? Then you can look at it and you're like, oh, this was a memorable time for you.

Well, this is a memorable time for me too. Or let's kind of figure out what we've learned, right? So then you can look at that're like, oh, this was a memorable time for you. Well, this is a memorable time for me too. Or let's kind of figure out what we've learned, right? So then you can look at that and go, oh yeah, that time that we were on vacation, that was really, really hot. Or maybe you notice a theme to them that every time you had sex is when you initiated or when he initiated.

And then you see what I mean? You're like learning what elements have to be in place for you both to be turned on and to be willing and ready for sex. So it sounds like you have the intention behind the sex. We've got to crack that code about what actually works for you. So I want you to learn to prioritize your sex life again.

It seems like you're doing that, but what steps do you take? And this is for everyone listening. This is probably a very common scenario that a lot of people are hearing right now. How do you get back to what you loved about your sex life so much so that you're inspired to take action? You're inspired to have sex again. It doesn't become like a chore. So I'm going to give you a lot of ideas, Lydia, here expanding on that and also for everybody listening. Okay. So let's talk about why it's so important in our

relationships to have a dating life where you feel inspired. I don't think that I'm the first person to tell you how important it is to have a night a week that is your date night. Okay? We all know that. And what I often hear from people is, yeah, I know that it's important, but you know, we can't afford a babysitter, which is a real concern. I get that. Or we just get, we're so exhausted. We don't have time for it. But I have to tell you this, that there have been study after studies that has shown

that couples who prioritize one night a week, one night a week, where it's just about the two of you, they are statistically more likely to enjoy high quality relationships and lower divorce rates. Just as important as the frequency of having a date night, couples who engage in new and exciting activities report having more intense feelings for one another. Okay, so now I've laid it all out for you. You know, it's important to have a date night and you know, it's important to do something maybe that's a little varied and exciting.

But how do we do that? How do we make dates exciting and interesting and memorable? First, it's important to know your arousal style or your desire style. What does that even mean? But let me tell you what they are. Through conversation, you get aroused, and feel ready for sex through touch, through visuals, through physical adventure, and play. So what is arousal? And often arousal and desire are conflated. But for purposes here, arousal is the physical manifestation of your desire. So desire is the wanting to have sex. It's that drive in your head like, I want to have sex, right? And then arousal is the physical manifestation of your desire.

So here I am, I'm thinking about sex and now I'm getting aroused. So arousal is the physical signs that happen in your body when you're turned on. Okay? So your breath is quickening, your heart rate is increasing, you can feel the blood flow to all of your erogenous zones, which of course include your genitals, right? You feel that pulsing in your body, so that is arousal. But let's just get into the arousal types

because it's important to know, okay, I hear you, I wanna get aroused and I wanna be turned on for sex, but what can I do to kind of correct this code and make it easier for myself to actually do that? So arousal types. If you're aroused through conversation, it means that you get aroused through emotional connection that you and your partner create. Do you like talking and laughing and relating and having like deep conversations?

Maybe it's about your relationship and you feel closer to your partner. You feel more aroused and turned on before any touching occurs. It's almost like that is your foreplay. My partner and I, you might be thinking, yeah, we have these great conversations about what our desires are for the future, or great book we read, or a television show we're watching. That really turns me on.

Okay, then we have touch. So this means that touch, like you require touch to get your heart racing, to get you in the mood for sex. It could be like your partner just brushes your arm lightly, maybe they touch your cheek, maybe it's a kiss, and that's gonna get you going. And that's gonna get you the most turned on. The next one is visuals. You know, you get turned on by what you see. The way your partner looks, your partner looks really sexy, maybe you look at photos of them, and it could be you, it could be your own reflection

and how sexy you look to yourself, it could be a fantasy, but that just means that for you to be in your peak arousal state, you are visualizing something, okay? And then play. I always say that couples who play together, stay together. And this means that if play is your desire style, you love when sex is playful and fun. You try a lot of new things in your life in and outside of the bedroom.

And when you're doing something new and exciting, you are feel the most alive and the most yourself. And particularly for this case, you feel especially turned on when you are playing. Maybe you guys are playing games in the evening together. You do wordle every morning. You have an ongoing backgammon game. You love play. Okay, physical adventure. So this is like, you feel vital and alive

doing physical activities like working out or hiking, which releases feel good chemicals in the body. And so this is prompting you to feel sexual. Like when you and your partner do your hikes on the weekends, you feel the most aroused. Or maybe you take an exercise class once a week and you're like, we are always turned on after that, okay? So that's a little refresher there.

But now you know about this, how do you have a date that sort of slots into your arousal type so you know that there's more of a likelihood if I do one of these things, that sex is gonna follow. Maybe this is gonna be the kickstart into your sex life that you've been craving. Okay. Conversation.

If this is you, this is your arousal type, try the learning date. Okay? So a date where you're learning, and this is a turn on, you know, if you enjoy taking in new information, learning a new skill, figuring out something together like an escape room, right? You guys could do an escape room date. It's going to require conversation. It's going to require your minds coming together and kind of figuring out a solution. There's a lot of talk about sapiosexuals in recent years, meaning that you are most

attractive to somebody that you feel is intellectual or you have really deep conversations with them. So it's like your brain. You know, when I say your brain is the largest sex organ, that definitely applies for sapiosexuals. And so it could even be, you know, when I say your brain is the largest sex organ, that definitely applies for sapiosexuals. And so it could even be, you know, the perceptions of a high level of intelligence in another person is like so substantial that that's going to get you really aroused and turned on and it might be more so than any attribute. And I can relate to this. Like I've never been somebody who's thought, oh, this person's really hot.

I want to have sex with them right now. I usually, for me, it's like, do I know this person? Have I connected with them? Have I had a conversation with them about something? And then that's when my attraction starts going for somebody. Okay. That is like a requirement for me. And also when you learn with somebody, it can be vulnerable, right? You're actually sharing what you know and you're sharing your opinions and expressing them and you're engaging in a new activity. It's really have some serious intimacy building there as well. Right? When you're like learning and growing and maybe even challenging each other. Right? That spark. So here's some specific date ideas. Maybe you go see like an art house movie together with subtitles even. Like those kind of movies, you go to

dinner after you talk about it and that just might be the spark that you needed. Maybe you go to cooking class, you get a recipe together, you're problem solving and then you have a great meal after. You could play games together. This is the thing about playing those games like those 36 questions to fall in love. It was that New York Times article that came out years ago now that showed that these are the 36 questions to ask any partner to fall in love. You could take a pottery class together. Pottery classes are really hot these days. Have you heard about this?

I feel like all my friends are like, you want to take a pottery class? I'm taking a pottery class. I'm like, okay. So that's the thing. You can go to a tea ceremony and learn about the ritual of that. You take a Shabari class together, which is like Japanese rope tying. And you can learn if you're into some bondage play, that would be a really fun way to do it. You could also hire Dominatrix and they could teach you BDSM skills.

The other two arousal styles is touch and visuals. So this is really using your five senses. So I'm going to put these arousal types together. I'm going to expand this arousal type to include all five senses when we talk about dating. Because really touching and sight are the two that we really associate with pleasure. But studies have shown for sure that utilizing all five senses, especially in an experience with our partner or with anybody, not only makes us really more present, but it's also

directly related to our happiness. Think about a concert, okay? Why we love concerts or many of us love concerts, going to like a live public event, it's because all of our senses are stimulated, right? They're all in the moment. You are visually looking at this great concert, this display, maybe there's like a light show,

you're smelling, you know, maybe it's the familiar, like the popcorn or the, you know, food at the concert, or maybe it's like, I don smelling, you know, maybe it's the familiar, like the popcorn or the, you know, food at the concert, or maybe it's like, I don't know, marijuana, whatever people are, you're smelling, you associate with a concert. You're moving your body, right? There's touch with your partner and you're dancing together. Taste, maybe you're like eating that food that the concerts that you love. I don't know, I always love popcorn or these things. So why these events are turned on is because when we're having positive sensory experiences, it gives us those dopamine hits

and those like the risk reward system in our brain, which are closely linked. The more immersive a date is that is it all of your senses are engaged in the moment because remember, when we are engaged in all of our senses, when they are all connected, when you are present and you're aware to what you're hearing, smelling, tasting, feeling, you're present.

You literally can't be anywhere else but present when all your senses are engaged. Okay? So what are some date ideas when we're focusing on touch and visuals? Well, you can go see an immersive art installation. If you notice it, like art's been flourishing in the last year, which I love. You can see like, um, a la Meow Wolf. Here's a really fun date idea. You know, I love a panty vibe, which means you essentially are wearing this little

vibrator in your pants and your partner can control it from wherever you're at. You could be at a rock concert, you could be at a dinner, you could be doing something and you know, you never know, but all of a sudden your partner is going to be vibing you. So they're in control of it and you start to feel some vibrations between your legs. Talk about stimulating some senses, right? Having a good time, being present. I don't know. That's a really fun, playful date. That's almost a date in itself. It really doesn't matter what you do, I think, if you're wearing a vibrator between your legs. You could also make fondue at home. Think about making fondue, how sensory that is. You could go to a sensory deprivation tank, meaning you're removing all your senses. So think about how much, you know, how much, what that does when you

remove all of them. You really do have a kind of presence that you can't really experiment. You can't really explain unless you actually go into one of these tanks. I don't know if they have them in your city, but check them out. They're all over, um, I know in Los Angeles and they're really good time. They're also part of self care, to be honest. It's a very cool experience to deprive yourself of senses and then to come back to them because everything feels that much more intense.

You could go to wine tasting, candlelit bubble baths. Those are my favorite. I love a bubble bath. Get a couples massage or give each other erotic massages. Can I just say, I think this is a really underrated activity for couples to give each other massages and know you don't have to be a massage expert. You really just need some oil and just tell your partner to like lay down and then you can just start to like explore their bodies.

They can just lay on their stomach. It doesn't have to be sexual, but it's a way of using touch to kind of calm your partner's nervous system, get you guys more connected and sort of take sex off the table also. You know, it's something, it's a great precursor to sex. And I think that couples who could have learned to play with erotic massages

sort of learned to really like serve each other. And what I also love is having a erotic massage where like one week it's your turn for the massage. So you're just receiving and the next week you're giving it. And I think that couples who kind of play with this, sometimes it can be a lot to say like, we're both gonna give each other a massage tonight, but it's something that I've done in my relationship as well

where one like Monday nights, because Mondays can suck. I'll give him a massage and he gives me a massage. There's nothing better than getting a massage and knowing that you don't have to do anything afterwards. So kind of taking that pressure off your partner, but knowing that you both are like kind of connecting and doing something for each other and that yours is coming around next week or the next night

can be a really great connection and agreement with your partner. I'm recalling my podcast I did with Sean T. You guys should totally check that one out. But he and his husband have photos of themselves. Like they know they are visual. And they have photos of themselves in the bedroom. Like naked, seductive, really sexy photos of them

in their bedroom. And in that, they know when they see that, it gets them in the mood, it gets them turned on. They feel very connected to each other. And like after over a decade of being married, they still send each other naked pics throughout the day. And they're like, I love to see my partner naked. And they just both know that it's a visual thing for them

and that's how they get aroused. So again, this is all about you guys realizing like how can you focus on the senses, knowing that perhaps senses is your arousal type and how do you hone in on them on a date so you feel more connected, more turned on, more likely to want to have sex. We'll be right back after a short break, but first, God, I love Vaya. I've been using their

products for years, specifically their Hi Love series. Their Hi Love libido gummies are delicious. They have this strawberry crush flavor, so they're made for being in your body. They have CBD and THC, plus it increases blood flow so you're really waking up your senses to really get you in the mood while also helping you be calm and truly embodied. These gummies are a unique blend of cannabinoids and aphrodisiac exotic herbs that are both known for the libido enhancing effects and they work for all people all genders And if gummies aren't your thing, try their THCA High Love Vape. This is the first legal THC vape specifically designed to enhance intimate

moments by increasing your libido. I mean, hello, there's just something really unique about all of Vaya's products and it's just like super balanced. You won't feel too high and there's like mellow effects, calms your mind and while you have more sensitivity. VIA also offers the Hi Love Bundle which combines both for the price of $65 so you get the gummies and the vape but when you buy them separately it would be $90. Spice up your love life with VIA Hemp's Hi Love THC libido gummies. Visit viahemp.com use code EMILY to get 15% off your order. That's V-I-I-A. H-E-M-P.com, use code EMILY for 15% off

or just click the link in the show notes. Stick around. ["Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy"] The next one is play. Okay, so for this one, you love play, you love playing with your partner, this is going to get you feeling connected. I recommend fun, loving dates, playful dates. They can be very imaginative, they're connected to fantasy. You might get turned on and you actually thrive when you and your partner are engaged

together in new experiences, whether you're in the bedroom or out of the bedroom. Well there actually have been studies that show that that translates into the bedroom. So you're a really playful couple and you might just find the more playful things you do outside you're going to be experienced to do them inside. And the other thing about having fun, playful dates is that it really helps spark creativity. And I think that we're all kind of craving that, right?

And it's really nice when you feel creative with a partner. And then the turn that also allows you guys to bond more. Like we are bonding over this creative experience and then that bonding can lead to more arousal and connection. Here are some date nights for you if you find yourself craving play and that is a big source of your arousal. I would write a fantasy script for my partner. Like if you're the writer of the relationship, which I'm the writer, I might say, okay, maybe I'd send them a text or like a shared note. I'd say, this is our plan for tonight.

You're going to come home, we're gonna make dinner, maybe it's some special kind of meal that we've both been craving. I know for me, I'd be like, and then I'm gonna come out and be wearing this new thing that I got because it's really, really sexy and accessible. Do you ever feel like side note that you wanna be wearing something that you feel sexy in,

you don't remember to put it on during the day or you don't have time after a date, but I wanna work it into a script that I know that it's part of the plan and it's also anticipatory. So if I write a script like we're gonna have this great meal, we're gonna make fondue, we're gonna have our favorite dessert which is this little chocolate filled cupcake thing we have that when you warm it up that the chocolate comes out of it and then we have whipped cream and we have these meals that we love eating together and then I would wear this sexy dress, this baby doll

dress. So I would write this all out and I would say this is our date night because first it's just hot to know that you are thinking about something. You've anticipation to what comes next and we're sort of co-creating a really fun playful date. Some other date ideas. Throw a costume party with a group of friends. He goes, the reason why people love costume parties beyond Halloween is because you get to show up in something that maybe you wouldn't normally wear. A lot of times we wear things that make us feel our most powerful, our sexiest, our most desirable. And then you're at a party together.

So all night you're wearing this thing, you're wearing this outfit that makes you feel good, and then you get to get home and take it off of each other. But that whole night, you're sort of acting as an alter ego perhaps or another version of yourself. You know, clothes can make us act and feel sexy, playful. So think about incorporating more costumes and you know, maybe even a wig can be something that mixes it up, right? Like you're always a brunette, but tonight you're gonna wear a blonde wig. Playing sexy stranger, I love this. I love playing sexy stranger.

You know, you say to your partner, like tonight we're gonna be at our local bar and we're both gonna get there at eight and we're gonna show up and we don't know each other. So I want you to come with a different name. Maybe it's somebody that you always, you know, pictured yourself to be, or you thought that this is another version of yourself,

and you get to think about, who am I? How old am I? What career do I do? What are my sexual turn-ons? And then if you're giving a different name, then you and your partner get to rekindle that whole first meeting of each other. But now you're actually other people,

but you know they're still the attraction, and it's just a fun, playful game. And side note, you might be thinking, I could never do that. That's so awkward. My partner, I know each other. We would laugh. Well, this is probably a great time for me to remind you that dating and sex and all the things are funny and fun and you laugh.

And I would say the more you laugh and the more you play together, the more fun you have together, the better sex you're going to have. So it's much better to try these things out and just see how it goes. Cause I think you're going to be like, oh yeah, we couldn't really get into the role play at first. I kept calling him Bob and that's his name. So what? All of these little things that you try, they might feel a little bit uncomfortable because they are new and you've never done it before, but those are the ingredients that are really important for your arousal and

for your attraction. Because the opposite of that is doing what you've always done. You go to dinner, you go to movie, you come home, you brush your teeth, you get in bed together and then you have sex and then you fall asleep and then you're bored and then you're emailing me, what do we do to spice it up? Another great thing is reenacting your first date. Where did you go on your first date? How did you feel? What was really fun about it? And do that. Maybe you can wear the same thing or plan that for your partner. Again, these little surprises. Take a dance class together. So many ideas. Play truth or dare. Another really fun thing to do is

to go to a sex toy store with your partner or a lingerie store and go in and kind of just let yourself be guided by what's on the tables there, what section are you attracted to? Maybe once you're both in it together, you're like, what do you think about this toy? What do you think about this lingerie? Then you get to try it out, you get to feel it. Maybe there's different lubes or massage oils.

I can't think of a more fun date night that's gonna stimulate all of your senses. It's gonna be playful, it's gonna be new, it's gonna be that variety, which a lot of things that we are craving in our relationships. Okay? Those are playful dates. Let's get into physical adventure. That is your arousal style.

For this arousal type, I recommend dates that are going to get your heart pumping and your blood flowing and your adrenaline racing. Because a lot of times when we are having challenges with arousal and we're not feeling as turned on anymore, it's usually because of blood flow. You can't get erection. You're not feeling any of those pulsing your genitals. It's because the blood flow isn't flowing. These things are going to help you move that along.

So when we do something like this, we're releasing all those feel-good hormones, right? Like endorphins are an instant mood elevator, right? And then when you feel elevated with your partner, then you're naturally connected. Here are some date ideas, okay? Go hiking together, go trail riding, rent bikes. Rent bikes in your own city that you live in if you don't have bikes. I love bike riding. It's adventurous, you can go places you wouldn't normally go. You can do indoor rock climbing, hot yoga. My partner and I do hot yoga all the time together and we love it. You're hot, you're sweaty, you got the adrenaline going, you're like looking each other there sweating and then you

know it's a good time. You go home, shower. It's a fun activity. Try working out with your partner. Another thing, axe throwing. There's trends of axe throwing bars everywhere. Is that your thing? Would you like to go axe throwing? It's a great one. Wherever you live, you can find places that say like, what's happening in the city this week? I don't care how big or small your town is, there is somebody in your town that is collecting everything that's happening and all the fun things to do. Roller skating is a good time. Ice skating. Visit the farmer's market.

Talk about sensory stimulation. Going to the farmer's market with your partner because you're planning food for the week. You're smelling and you're tasting different things that you want to try. You're touching the vegetables together. You're planning. I think the farmer's market is actually a great place to continue to stay connected and then kind of plan for future arousal. Maybe you're gonna make a sexy dinner one night. Don't stay inside. Get outside and play. Especially if you know that your arousal style is all about adventure.

Okay, those were some date ideas that you can build around your different arousal styles. And now I'm gonna get into some of your questions. This is from Michael in California. Hey, Dr. Emily, I've been fascinated with massage as a way to get closer to my wife. I love it, but I just can't seem to get my wife interested in it. Do you have any ideas?

Of course I struggle with the right way to approach her with the idea. Help. All right, Michael, I get it. It can be really hard to talk to our partners about what we really feel that we are requiring from them, especially when it comes to our time in the bedroom. It's not easy to talk to our partners, especially our long-term partners about it. First I would talk to her outside

the bedroom and just say you really would love to work on ways to connect more intimately. Now I know you said you've already tried that and you said she's not into massage, but maybe you could tell her a little bit more about what you mean by massage because there are so many benefits to couples massage. Maybe you could tell her a little bit more about what you mean by massage. Because there are so many benefits to couples massage. Not only does receiving touch stimulate all those feel good hormones like dopamine and serotonin and oxytocin.

But once you do that, it works together to really lift your spirits, improve your mood. You'll experience increased amount of affection and attraction and more intimacy. And it's just a really great way for couples to spend time together without having to be looking at your phone or dealing with problems

or being out at a dinner or even being at home navigating sex, who's gonna initiate, who's not. So when you decide that you are going to give each other massages, you can decide that one day it's your turn to give a massage and then the next time it's her turn to give a massage. Because when we really receive erotic touch from our partner, not only does it feel incredible and has all those benefits, I said, of receiving touch, but it's just a really connected way to enhance intimacy, to feel closer to your partner, and to being able to receive without feeling like you have to give in the moment, right? It's so nice to have a date where you are just receiving touch from your partner and you don't feel like you have to roll over and give back to them.

So I recommend that you just let her know that you have been sort of diving into understanding couples massage and you really think it's something that's going to enhance your intimacy, that she's really going to appreciate, that's going to feel intimacy that she's really gonna appreciate that's gonna feel good you could even ask her what her concerns are about it listen guys anytime your partner says no to something or they're not into it you're allowed to say oh okay well tell me more about that what do you think it is about massage that doesn't sit right with you and this is where we have to become really good listeners you know say maybe she says oh I don't know, I just feel like

it's another code word for sex. Well, you could say, oh no, I'm actually not trying to have sex. I'm actually trying to connect intimately and find new ways to touch each other because we have so many places in our body that feel incredible when touched. And also it helps release tension and stress and anxiety.

And I feel pretty safe saying that a lot of us experience anxiety. Maybe at least one of you in the relationship if not two. So there's just a lot of benefits to it you can just just let her know it's a new way to connect. But again, hear her out because I think maybe once she hears what you had in mind with massage she might come around and be willing to join you. And Michael here's a great tip for massage too. I'm obsessed with massage candles if you've been listening to me for a while. It's not a regular candle, so don't be lighting your regular candles. It is a candle that is made for massage. So you light it and Jeju makes the most

glorious massage candle that has this incredible fragrance that just really gets you in the mood for a massage. What you do with these, you just allow the candle to melt for like 15 minutes and then you just pour the wax onto the skin. I like to blow it out first and it's just so sensual to feel this warm oil because really it turns into oil on your skin and it's super sexy and I love that it's a twofer because not only does it smell great, it's lit and then you blow it out and pour it and how fun to like put a blindfold on your skin and it's super sexy and I love it. It's a twofer because not only does it smell great,

it's lit and then you blow it out and pour it and how fun to like put a blindfold on your partner. Let me know how that goes, Michael. I don't know, I love massage with my partner. It really is one of the best things that I think you can do and really learn. There's some great courses online you could take about erotic massage.

You don't have to be perfect. You don't need the skill set. It's really just touching your partner in a way that, you know, feels good to them and they can guide you and let you know what they like. This is from Kyle. He's 25 in Ohio. Hey, Dr. Emily, my wife and I just welcomed our son

to the world at the end of April. It has been about five months without sex, which is understandable because I know how she felt at the end of pregnancy, losing herself and all the other changes were occurring. Plus, you know, we have to wait six weeks postpartum. And since we're not having sex, I needed to channel my feelings and emotions and find resources and podcasts to help improve our sex life. We're still young and I don't want to lose what we had before kids.

I haven't been able to find anything that's really helpful. I think it'd be really challenging to be intimate with a newborn in the room, not to mention if the baby starts getting fussy in the middle of sex. We do talk about sex. I've asked about the possibility of scheduling sex dates once a week, but we decided it would end up becoming another chore and us just pushing it back a day or two when something else comes up or if we're just too tired. We still do back robs and such to keep some sort of physical contact, but we both want our sex life back.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Kyle, congratulations on the newborn and thank you for your question. You know, I have to say that this is a really common question and it takes couples a lot longer than advertised to get back to a more normal sex life. I get that five months is a long time though, but the challenge is the six weeks that doctors say postpartum also and usually it's a lot longer than that.

It's really important that you both continue to connect intimately and I love that you're giving back rubs. Maybe there's some other things you can do. So much about sex right now could be painful. Maybe penetration is just off limits. Takes vulva owners time to heal. Some recommendations would be mutual masturbation where you both know that you're getting off but you're still connecting. Does she need her free massage? Is she just really, really tired at the end of the day or are there some more things that you can help with around the house? She just wants to feel taken care of and loved maybe without the pressure of sex.

So how else can you be supportive and loving and get her back into her body and feeling sexual again? You know, I think I just want to normalize the fact that it can take women after giving birth, it can take them five months, it can take them a year, but at the same time, again, we got to work at great communication and really connecting. Could you get a babysitter? I

think that date night is a non-negotiable and I think that couples as sooner they can start getting out without the baby, maybe you go out and talk about the baby because you still need to prioritize your relationship. It is just as important as a relationship you have with your child. Alright thanks for your question. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review

wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or a partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, or X and Facebook, it's all at Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up on sexwithemily.com, and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure.

And if you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline, 559-TALKSEX. That's 559-825-5739, or just go to SexWithEmily.com slash ask Emily. Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at Sexwithemily.com.