Sex With Emily - How to Have FaceTime Sex (Without the Awkwardness)

Starting point is 00:00:03 If you get most turned on by a little distance and mystery, particularly with a casual partner, maybe you can warm each other up with some sexting before you turn on the camera. So just remember, anything goes here. You can play, you can titillate, there's even no pressure and even show your entire body ever, or maybe you want to show your body and not your face. Again, you get to decide.

Starting point is 00:00:25 You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today's episode is all about FaceTime sex or video sex, whatever platform you use, and how to pull it off from feeling comfortable on screen to what to actually say in the moment. Plus, I take your questions on FaceTime sex like, how do you spice it up and how do you end a sexting session? Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show.

Starting point is 00:01:00 Just do it right now. It takes you two seconds and it really helps get the show out to more people and more sex positive people like you. You want to have better sex. You can also find me on all social media at Sex with Emily. If you're there, I'm there. Also, don't forget to sign up for my emails. You can find the link in the show notes.

Starting point is 00:01:17 All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. All right, let's get into it. I'm talking about FaceTime sex today or any video platform you use. So it's a topic I'm definitely getting more questions about. And it's something that's been on the rise in recent years. and I've been getting these questions from couples who want to spice it up and try something new, people in long-distance relationships, and singles who are simply having casual FaceTime sex, particularly younger singles. Hey, Gen Z. So let's discuss some reasons why you might want to develop this

Starting point is 00:02:00 skill set, this new way to play. Well, first, it's summer and you're traveling, and you want to stay connected with a partner while either of your way. Makes sense. Or maybe you're in a long-distance relationship, And virtual sex is one of your primary ways of being intimate with your partner. Or maybe you're in a long-term relationship and just want to spice things up a bit. Or you simply might enjoy getting sexual this way, regardless of your relationship status. In fact, I know some people who really enjoy only engaging in virtual sex, as in they're actively on the apps, they're texting people, maybe even sending some pictures, but really have no intention of ever meeting in person. You know, do you have any friends like this? I have a friend who is just the other day.

Starting point is 00:02:43 And she was like telling me all about this guy she's been seeing and they're having this whole relationship. I was like, what was it like? What was it like? What was a sex life? He's like, oh, no, no. But we've been like having FaceTime sex and flirting and sexting, but we're going to be meet in a few weeks. So this is, you guys know.

Starting point is 00:03:02 You heard this before. Now, this is not my personal play of choice. You guys can do what you want to do. But my only thing is, I don't know. Some people like think these are real relationships. and they have expectations, for example. Like, my friend had an expectation for this guy. Like, why isn't he calling me back?

Starting point is 00:03:18 He hasn't said he was going to visit and he hasn't. I was like, all we know of this guy is that you're having FaceTime sex with them and you know what his penis looks like, but you actually don't know how tall he is. You don't know what he smells like. You don't know how it feels to have his actual hands on your body. So all I'm saying is when we inflate these relationships, we think that they're like this really serious partner and we start putting expectations on them when really you're having FaceTime sex with them,

Starting point is 00:03:38 which actually could be really fun. I just want people to check your intentions and expectations. So every year, Match.com does a Singles in America survey, which I've talked a lot about. They found out 48% of people want to get to know each other over the phone. And yes, this includes things like flirting, sexting, and FaceTime sex. I mean, COVID normalized a lot of new things for us, including FaceTime sex. But even before COVID, I always vouched for getting to know someone over the phone before meeting in person. I've been on dates before where I get all dressed up. I drive across town because I met this guy in an app. We swiped. We texted. Only to get there and immediately realize this was not going to be the person for me. So how much easier would have been if I had hopped out of chat with him? I'm not talking FaceTime sex with them, but just video chat. And the other thing is right now, there's a lot less stigma around things like sexting and sending nudes. In fact, the same survey from singles in America showed that even before COVID,

Starting point is 00:04:41 40% of Gen Zier's texted nudes. And then talking to some of the younger people in my team, they've pretty much all sent nudes or engaged in virtual sex before. So I'd love to hear from you about your views on sending nudes. Are there generational differences around it? I just come from a place where I believe it's important to know that if you send a naked photo to somebody, that there is a chance that somebody else is going to see it

Starting point is 00:05:09 besides your intended recipient. I've had so many friends, receive a dick pick, receive a picture from a woman, anyone, and they turn to me and they go, look at this, look at this picture.

Starting point is 00:05:19 So it's like, I think I've never been in a place where I felt comfortable knowing that. Like, I'm going to send this rando of nude and then their neighbors are going to see it.

Starting point is 00:05:29 So that's just me. I'd love to hear from you, though, would have been your experiences with it. And now when talking to people on my team, they're totally comfortable with it. They're like,

Starting point is 00:05:36 yeah, I don't care. If that's just part of life. You said a naked photo. I felt, good in this photo, I'm okay with it getting out there. So again, you have to decide on your comfort level and just be aware of the consequences if it does get out there. Maybe you don't care. Maybe you're like, I feel great in my body. I really don't care who sees it. And it's all good.

Starting point is 00:05:57 I mean, back in the day, you'd say you got to delete everything on your Instagram if you want to get a job and you're never going to get hired if you have naked photos out there. And it depends. If you're trying to be an FBI agent, that's probably true. But, you know, for a lot of jobs, today. I mean, we've seen presidents full on naked, having affairs with prostitutes, and they still get elected for office. So all I'm saying is the world is a different place right now. Maybe we're not as judgy around nudes and what people do with their sex lives. And so, you know, just proceed with caution. Even though some people are getting more comfortable virtual sex overall, if it's not your jam, zero pressure. And also, if a partner ever makes

Starting point is 00:06:36 you feel pressured into sending a nude or text that you're not comfortable with. Feel free to read that as a giant red flag and of course say no and walk away. I am telling you, you do not have to do anything you don't want to do in a relationship sexually, sending photos, sending nudes. It's not going to make you more loved, more liked or anything. And if someone's going to give you a hard time for it, again, walk away, not your person. But FaceTime sex, like all sex, should be mutually and enthusiastically consenting. Because, as I mentioned earlier, there is some risk.

Starting point is 00:07:14 Anything shared over the internet could be leaked or shared. People could be recording it. That happens, even if they don't tell you they're recording it. So it is incredibly important that you trust your play partner to be respectful about anything you sent them, whether this is your longtime partner or a virtual one-night stand. There are virtual one-night stands. It's all good. So I highly recommend having this conversation at a time completely separate from the virtual sex while you're both fully clothed.

Starting point is 00:07:42 And it's also important to set boundaries during this time like saying like I, there's no screenshots or no screen recordings unless you both mutually consent to that. You also want to make sure that you're using a private, secure platform like signal or confide. FaceTime, which is exclusive to Apple products, also has end-to-end encryption. And even though you're not together, Foreplay is still incredibly important for virtual sex. If you find sex most satisfying when you feel connected with your partner, maybe you've dinner together over the phone first, make it a virtual date, drink a glass of wine, talk to each other, seduce each other before it all gets sexual. You don't have to jump right into having sex with somebody on the phone, FaceTime.

Starting point is 00:08:28 If you get most turned on by a little distance and mystery, particularly with a casual partner, maybe you can warm each other up with some sexting before you turn on the camera. So just remember, anything goes here. You can play, you can titillate. There's even no pressure and even show your entire body ever. Or maybe you want to show your body and not your face. Again, you get to decide. So getting back to FaceTime sex, essentially, this is really mutual masturbation with the help of your phone.

Starting point is 00:08:57 And you know I'm a huge fan of mutual masturbation. I love what it does. I love that mutual masturbation is a great way to get to know your partner and what they're into you. And you also know it's a sure thing and you're both going to get off. And of course, there's elements of dirty talk involved in mutual masturbation. And for everyone reading smart sex, this is an example of the things I talk about with sexual intelligence, namely collaboration. Because FaceTime sex is a form of collaborative. communication. And ideally, it's not one person performing for the other. Both people are turning

Starting point is 00:09:34 each other on. Both people are experiencing pleasure, which I think is really, really important. And listen, in hetero couples, it so often falls on the woman to look hot or perform for their partner while they watch. This is not about that. In fact, I don't think that any sex should be about that at all. I think that the best sex, the most hottest sex, is when you are both genuinely being turned on and aroused. But anyway, mutually beneficial FaceTime sex is not a performance. It's really isn't it should never be. No sex should be a performance. So please don't sign on for FaceTime sex because your partner says they want you to do FaceTime sex. Don't send a nude because your partner wants to send him a nude. So with this pleasurable FaceTime sex, yes, you're turning yourself on,

Starting point is 00:10:20 but you're also collaborating with your partner to turn each other on, but you're really focusing on your own pleasure because at the end of the day, mutual masturbation, faytime sex, the hottest thing is when we are genuinely turned on and we're not worried about how we look and what's really going on with our partner. We're in our bodies. We're truly embodied, which is the first pillar of sex IQ, and we are feeling ourselves. And when we're feeling ourselves, our partner can feel us. So yes, you are collaborating with your partner here, but at the end of the day, you are in your room by yourself, genuinely turning yourself on. Like the responsibility is yours, okay? So this is all about your pleasure.

Starting point is 00:11:02 You're touching yourself. No one else is there. So let's get into the how. How do you pull off FaceTime sex? The first thing to keep in mind is this. If it's your first time, of course you're going to feel a little. nervous and maybe awkward and that's totally okay. So I'm giving you tips today to help you feel more prepared for this. And it's also all right to tell your partner, hey, this is my first time doing this

Starting point is 00:11:28 and I'm a little nervous. And by the way, it's always okay to tell your partner it's your first time doing something you're nervous. That's vulnerable. That's real. That's how someone can really get to know you is when you are truly honest about what you're experiencing. And that'll instantly allow everyone just to breathe a little because you're not pretending to be a professional here. Okay. And they're probably a little nervous too. So let's talk about preparation. How do you prepare for this whole thing before you FaceTime your partner? Well, I recommend getting yourself into a sexy vibe first. Take a bath or a shower, maybe have a glass of wine, like anything that's going to help you relax and put on something that makes you feel sexy. Is it lingerie? Is it some hot underwear?

Starting point is 00:12:14 even a full outfit with hot underwear underneath. You can do a little strip tease. You can feel what makes you feel your sexiest self. And I think it's also really fun to look in the mirror beforehand to practice, take a few deep breaths, maybe even start touching yourself, maybe start masturbating a little bit, get yourself aroused, get the blood flowing, get yourself turned on. And I even recommend that you take some videos of yourself masturbating,

Starting point is 00:12:40 which can totally be deleted after. This just allows you get comfortable like being naked on a screen. That's a whole new experience to actually see yourself. And so maybe you're thinking, well, there's a reason why I don't have any digital images in myself or I don't look at myself naked because I don't feel comfortable naked. I'm not really feeling great about my body. But here's another way to think about it. There's actually been research that has shown, particularly for women who are experiencing

Starting point is 00:13:05 some concerns around their body, when they do look at themselves in the mirror, turned on and aroused, it actually gets them more arouse and feel better about themselves, boost their self-confidence, and just feel better in their body and feeling better naked. So if this is something you've struggled with, I highly recommend this process, even if you're not going to mutually masturbate, I recommend the process of looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing how hot you are when you are turned on and embodied. And I know it's FaceTime sex, but I still think you want to create a great vibe in your place. So make sure it's neat and tidy, light some candles, set the lights down low, some music,

Starting point is 00:13:45 keep your favorite masturbation supplies nearby, whatever that is, lube, sex toys, anything you want for cleanup, you know, just do some prep work. All right, logistics. Literally, how do you set up your device? So I think there's some pros to using a laptop or an iPad and not a phone. So it's easy setup. You can place it on a stack of pillows. You can lay down on your side, facing the camera.

Starting point is 00:14:15 You can also adjust your body position. So the parts that you want them to see are in view. You can also have more agility and creative freedom with this setup. You know, with the laptop on your pillows, you can kneel in front of it on your knee so your partner can more easily see your chest, your torso, your genitals, you know. They're just a better view. It's kind of camgirl, camboy. Cam Boy vibes. Another nice thing about using a laptop is that you can easily see yourself. So if you'd

Starting point is 00:14:45 like to make a visual adjustment at any point, it's just a lot easier to do. Now, let's talk about why it's fun to use a phone. Well, you could get super creative with angles. Obviously, simply by just holding it in your hand, you have more control. You can turn in the selfie mode, angle it towards places you want them to see. And if you're brand new to this, you can simply keep the phone turned towards your face while you give them a play by play of how you're touching yourself. Or maybe you want to tell them what you imagine doing to them or what you imagine them doing to you. You know, it's turn on to keep some things to the imagination, which, listen, face-time sex that's

Starting point is 00:15:24 limited to the face only is super hot. There is like zero pressure here to show your genitals at all. A lot of this could just be face-to-face, sort of a knowing that you're both touching yourself, but you don't need to see it. There's a lot of different ways to feel connected and aroused. And another thing is, as you're both getting more and more warmed up, you can sort of give them a reward by showing them more of your body as a sex progresses. So it's a tease. It's basically the foreplay for the FaceTime sex. So that's the handheld, which I think is a little bit more difficult, especially if you've got one hand in your generals and one hand on your phone. It's just a little bit

Starting point is 00:16:04 more to think about. So I love the idea of a phone on a tripod next to your bed or your bath or wherever you feel more comfortable and your hands free. So now you've got both hands available to touch yourself. Those are some ideas for some device setup. Now let's talk action. What do you actually do during FaceTime sex? Well, you really get to do whatever you want. So wearing something that makes you feel sexy. And here I'm really speaking to everyone, all genders, all sexualities. So let's stop make this about one gender performing for the other. We both want to turn each other on while turning ourselves on. Exception would be exhibitionism. So if it turned you on to perform it in that way, in more of a one-way performer, viewer context, go for it, right? You could be

Starting point is 00:16:57 doing a dance for your partner while they're watching or maybe you decide you're just going to watch them. It's all good here. There are really no rules per se. I just want to make sure that everyone's getting something out of it, right? So it's okay to be a one-way performer. That's different than being performative and just doing something that you think your partner will think is hot, but you're actually numb inside and not feeling anything. That's not what we're talking about. Okay, so now what, what do you say during these mutual masturbation play sessions? So I do have all kinds of of resources on my site for Dirty Talk. A lot of you ask about Dirty Talk, but the number one piece of advice I want to give you

Starting point is 00:17:38 is to be in the moment. Be present. Rehears lines unfortunately sound a little cringe, but a genuine reaction, you know, say to someone take off piece of clothing and you simply saying, wow, I mean, that is sexy because you're legitimately feeling it, but you might already know how to say wow. But you want to know what else would you say over FaceTime? So I have some ways that you could start to practice your own dirty talk. Audio Erotica apps are great for this.

Starting point is 00:18:07 Listening to how people relate sexually, how they talk to each other, how they turn each other on, those could be used for some inspo just to hear people being sexual with one another. And I'm not saying that you need to memorize what they say, but you can't sort of internalize their energy, their vibe, and use that to fuel your FaceTime sex. Some more quick tips for FaceTime dialogue. You can take turns directing one another. Like, you know, take your shirt off, for example.

Starting point is 00:18:37 That could be hot, just like take your shirt off. You can dom during FaceTime. You really can. With their consent, tell them precisely how and where to touch themselves. So you're directing them, right? Tell them when they're allowed to orgasm. That's hot. Like, don't orgasm until I tell you to.

Starting point is 00:18:54 And, of course, they can do the same for you. They can direct you and your actions this time. Maybe it's a fun time to talk about, you know, the most memorable time you've had sex together. Remember when this happened? Remember when that happened? You know, and the memories guide the conversation and you're using that as fuel to get you both going. And another great thing is to be present to the kind of sex you want to have together. You can create a fantasy.

Starting point is 00:19:18 Take turns describing, you know, what you would do to each other in different scenarios or what you want to do to each other, you know, in the future. So those are ways that you can use real material that might be in your head already and just tell each other. And your dirty talk voice is a little bit slower, a little bit more intentional. Maybe you're making eye contact. So that's sort of the difference between it. But thinking about something that's happened in the past, something that you want to happen in the moment or something that you're looking forward to happening in the future are some great rules to go by if you're trying to come up with some FaceTime or Dirty Talk material. We'll be right back after a quick message from our sponsors, but first, I want to talk about something I've been loving lately, the Lalo Sona 3. So if you're not familiar with Lalo, they're a legendary company known for creating beautifully designed intimacy products that focus on comfort quality and helping people connect just more intentionally with their bodies.

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Starting point is 00:21:04 This is from Emma 35. Hey, Dr. Emily, my lover and I can't be together at the moment, but are beginning to explore pleasuring ourselves over FaceTime. Besides what one would consider to be standard masturbation, what are ways to spice things up for each other? I'd like this experience to feel a little more special than standard masturbation. It's still sex. Do you have resources to recommend? Well, first, make it a date night. I love the idea of starting off having dinner together, a glass of wine, asking each other questions. A lot of you are loving the 69 questions that I have my book, Smart Sex, just as an example.

Starting point is 00:21:41 Like, getting to know each other on a deeper level, I have a friend who's been married for 14 years, and she's like, my husband and I did the questions together, and we learned so much, and it was a total turn-up. It's an easy way to facilitate conversations about intimacy and be vulnerable in, like, a game, setting. Sex toys now are so cool because there's a lot of them that are remote, meaning you can control each other's vibrator from different parts of the world, country, rooms, next to each other. It doesn't matter. It uses your phone and Bluetooth technology. So that could be really hot. You have a toy and your partner's controlling it or you're controlling their toy or both at the same time. That's a fun way. You could also play a fun sex game like truth or dare, strip poker. There's a lot of

Starting point is 00:22:24 really fun sex games. So think of something clever. Think of a game that you already like playing and then make a strip version. Role playing is really fun. You could both decide that you're going to show up as different characters. Maybe you're just wearing a wig, something different. You could also try directing or taking direction from your partner if you're into some dumb subplay. And remember this, just like all kinds of sex, aftercare is really important, particularly FaceTime sex. You want to make sure that you're in your partner take time to really connect and pillow talk after you stop playing. You know, you don't want to just like hang up because when you do, you know, you're going to be alone in your room again. So you still want to feel connected to a partner

Starting point is 00:23:03 after the sex ends. All right, Emma, thanks for your question. This is from Sarah. She's 24. Hey, Dr. Emily, I've been engaged for just over a year now and my fiance and I are very open when it comes to trying new things in the bedroom. He's been away for work for a couple months, but we've been keeping things fun. We've used this time apart to explore, but there have been some things that he likes that I haven't really been into. We like sexting and video chatting,

Starting point is 00:23:29 but there are some kinks that I don't find appealing, but I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel like he can never bring stuff up. The sexting involves him asking how he should come and what he should do with it, like eat it. He likes being stepped on and likes when I make him beg to come. I want to still be intimate with him virtually, but some of the stuff he brings up takes me out of the moment.

Starting point is 00:23:51 Sometimes it just goes on too long or there are too many questions which can take the fun out of it. I just don't know how to say I'm not a fan of some of those things he likes. How do I talk about this with him without making him embarrassed? I know that we won't always like the same things, but he has made me so comfortable since the first time we had sex. I was a virgin, and he's never shot down anything I like or wanted to try, so I don't want to do that to him. Thank you so much for this question, Sarah. And I have to say it makes sense that some of these

Starting point is 00:24:22 conversations you're having with them in the moment are making you question things or making you a little bit uncomfortable or you're unsure about him. You know, it sounds to me like he is really into being dominated essentially. He wants you tell him when he can come. He wants you to step on him. That might be an area that you have not explored yet. Might not be one of your turn-ons for you to dominate someone else. I don't know, maybe you want to be dominated more. You're learning more about his kinks and you said that he's been into what you're into. But what a wonderful time to have a conversation with him outside the bedroom about where his fantasies are coming from, what he's really into. You know, maybe he got it from porn. Maybe it's not really his interest. Maybe

Starting point is 00:25:02 it's just how he's dirty talking to you. But this might be what he wants more of when he sees you in person. But listen, this is your fiancé. This is someone that you're going to marry, you're going to live with, you're going to be with. So I think it's really important to next time, maybe you do this virtually, next time you guys are having date night on phrase time and just say, hey, let's talk about some of our fantasies, you know? And again, you remember, you want to be open and you want to be curious and you want to be compassionate. You don't want to yuck his yum. You want to listen to his fantasy, tell me more about that. I hear you asking me questions to like dominate you and step on you like you could say, is this a genuine fantasy of yours?

Starting point is 00:25:36 Where does this fantasy come from? Tell me more about it. What would you like for me? Is this something you actually want me to do? Have this conversation casually outside of a sexual context. Do it in a way that doesn't make him feel bad. That's just curious. Like, oh, really?

Starting point is 00:25:50 I'm just curious about it. You really have to watch your tone here. And then you said that he's been really down with what you're into. And I'm just thinking that this could be a great time for you to really explore more about what you're into too. What have you liked? What have you learned that you like? Would you like him helping you figure out more of your fantasies?

Starting point is 00:26:06 Because it sounds like you just started having sex. And I want to remind everybody that it takes a while doing something, doing really anything, to learn what your real preferences are and what your real turn. are. You can explore with him. And you can let him know that when he says these things to you as well, how it makes you feel. You could say, I really want to understand your kinks around me stepping on you and me dominating you. It doesn't feel as comfortable to me. So maybe you could explain to me more about it, you know, and just be open and hear what he says and ask him questions and then keep going. And these are the kind of conversations that I highly encourage couples to have often. So you can really understand though, are you on the same sexual page? Do you both want the same things? you're going to be able to compromise because if he says to you, you know what, my top fantasy is being dominated. I actually need to be with a partner who really wants these things. And if you do want to tell them that you're not into it, remember whenever giving constructive feedback around Zaks or anything really, lean on the reliable compliment sandwich.

Starting point is 00:27:04 You can tell a partner, hey, I love it when you're sharing your fantasies with me. Next time, you could share a different fantasy with me. You can tell them straight up. I'm not sure that I am on board with the same fantasies that you're into, but let's try to find some other ways that we can connect. And then you wrap it up with a compliment that says, because I think if we can really both figure out what our true, genuine, erotic fantasies are, that we could really be great lovers to each other.

Starting point is 00:27:30 You start with a compliment. You give the feedback, the questions, the concerns in the middle, and then you end it with another compliment and wrap it up. All right. So let me know how that goes. Thanks for questions, Sarah. this is from Maya 26 in Virginia. Hey, Dr. Emily, my boyfriend and I sometimes sexed, and I never really used to sex, but I feel like

Starting point is 00:27:51 I've gotten better than the last couple years at both composing messages and also initiating it. But I still feel like I don't know where the conversation is supposed to end up. How do you know when you reach the end of that interaction? I find that usually we get interrupted by just getting too busy in the day to continue or someone falling asleep at night. But now I'm sitting here trying to make an effort to really go for it. And I don't even have to know when it's over or how to wrap it up. Can you shed some light on the topic for me?

Starting point is 00:28:19 My first instinct here is they like, please don't overthink this. Like sometimes we're just sexting with each other and it's titillating in the moment and then we got to go answer an email from our boss or we got to get into a media or something else happens. But just the act of getting each other a little titillated and turned on in the middle of day can be really fun. Like sometimes it just ends that way. Or you pick it up later, just like sex, right? Sex isn't always so linear. I think we think sex has to be so linear, but sometimes we can just like start fooling around

Starting point is 00:28:46 and then we end it, we go back to it later. But if this is truly a concern of yours, talk to your partner about it, just say, hey, I love our sexting. It's really hot. And I'm curious, what happens when it just drops off? Is there something that you're going to need or that we should do together to kind end it or wrap it up or note that this sex thing is ending right now? You could also incorporate another text.

Starting point is 00:29:04 Like you could be like, oh, hey, did you pick up the dry, cleaning and, hey, that text earlier was really, really hot. You just got to remember that when our partners are making our effort, we want to keep it going, we want to acknowledge it. And I always say foreplay all day. Keep your pilot light lit. Keep it going all day. I love foreplay all day. Sounds like that's what you're doing and you're doing it right. This is from Lex 30, California. Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm a happily married woman. My husband and I've been together for over 10 years. We've married for five. Like any marriage, we've entered into the routine of work, bills, projects, you know, your daily routines. Our sex life is at a constant one to two times a week depending on stress or

Starting point is 00:29:44 energy. Until last week, when I started sexting with someone from a travel group I joined, our conversations are dirty and involve pictures. However, as I get incredibly turned on by our sexting, I get even more turned on by my husband now. For some reason, another man paying me attention has boosted my sexual appetite and my husband I had sex four times just over the weekend. My husband has even noticed the change and I've started sending him naughty messages as well. I guess this is really my dilemma. I know that what I'm doing is cheating, but it's sparking new energy in my marriage that I'm enjoying. I'm devoted to my husband and would never take this fantasy seriously, but I am worried that I've discovered an emotional or psychological

Starting point is 00:30:25 issue that I need to address. I greatly appreciate your input. Next, great question here. First off, I think you're handling this in a really mature way. I appreciate you messaging me about it. Sometimes outside partners simply fuel the desire and the passion and adornment relationship. That just happens. Sometimes people say that full-on affairs brought them closer to their partner and brought them back together. Now, this is not all the time, but it sounds like you have found just the catalyst that you needed.

Starting point is 00:30:56 And my hope for you is that you continue to build this with your partner. that it doesn't need to be the other person sending out these missives that are then getting you turned down by your partner. And since your partner's responding and turned on, let's keep your attention towards him. I highly recommend that you don't tell your partner about this guy. It sounds like you're not interested even in beating up with this guy, which I really hope you stick with that, you know, and find other ways to fuel the connection with your partner. Variety and trying new things are such important parts of keeping sex really hot. And it sounds like after 10 years, you found just the thing that's going to do that.

Starting point is 00:31:34 And now that you know, sexing is something that turned you on, you could try other things. Maybe you can write erotica together. Find some porn that turned you both on. Expand the relationship with your husband. It doesn't need to be about this other guy. And I find that a lot of people will misplace attraction to the other person or like on affairs. Like, oh, but this person's going to be my best lover. No, this person came along at a time and taught you a really, really cool thing.

Starting point is 00:32:00 about your own arousal runway, and now you get to play with your partner. Maybe you could do some role playing, you could do some sexting from different numbers if that's hot for you, so it feels like a stranger. But use this really interesting stimulating fuel to stoke some other fires within your current relationship. All right? Thanks for your question. I appreciate you.

Starting point is 00:32:30 That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to sex with Emily. And if you love the show, please like, subscribe, and leave a review wherever you get your podcast. And hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something. It usually does. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and X. It's all at Sex with Emily.

Starting point is 00:32:52 Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at Sex Withemly.com for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure. Okay, so let's talk about one of my favorite ways to upgrade your solo or part of play. It is the Hera by Jeju. It's a sleek, powerful rabbit vibrator that's basically the best of both worlds. It's incredible for internal stimulation and those rumbly, mind-blowing clitter vibes Jeju is known for. Here's what I love. The external ears are powered by the same motor as the Mimi, which you've heard me rave about before. I love the Mimi. And the internal arm delivers deep satisfying vibrations right to your G-spot. It's super soft, ultra-quiet, and it moves with your

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