Sex With Emily - How to Have Game: The Dating Show

Episode Date: October 25, 2022

So what’s the hardest part about dating? Meeting people? Making conversation? Figuring out if there’s enough chemistry? How do you have dates that leave you happy, aligned and energized, rather than defeated and hopeless?On today’s best-of show, I’m here for your dating dilemmas. He’s new to dating, and nervous to talk to women – I give some talking points. She wants to have sex, but also wants it to be more than casual – I help refine her approach. He’s super honest about being polyamorous, but they think he needs to grow up – I coach him on how to find the right partners, while still being open. Because when it comes to dating, your people are out there – you just have to learn how to look. Show Notes:Higher Dose Infrared Sauna Blanket (use code EMILY 15% off sitewide**)Got A Sex or Relationship Question? Call me.Ask Emily: How Do I Attract a Healthy Relationship?How to Make an Awesome Dating App ProfileIs Casual Sex Right For You?What Exactly is an “Open” Relationship? **(excluding Full Size Saunas) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The thing about dating is you don't really know what's going on with the other person. Like I would say that it's all about people dating for a few weeks so they might be seeing a lot of people. He might not be looking for whoever it is. The grand he's like dating a bunch of people or maybe he got back together with his ex or maybe he just wanted sex or he has no time for relationships. There's a million reasons why relationships don't work out, but women and men we do is we blame ourselves.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Amley, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So what's the hardest part about dating? Meeting people? Making conversation? Figuring out if there's enough chemistry? How do you have dates that leave you happy, aligned, and energized, rather than defeated,

and hopeless? On today's best of show, I'm here for your specific dating dilemmas. So he's new to dating and nervous to talk to women. Well, I give him some talking points. She wants to have sex, but also wants it to be more than casual. I help refine her approach. He's too piranhas about being polyamorous, but they think he needs to grow up. I coach him on how to find the right partners while still being open.

Because listen, when it comes to dating, your people are out there. You just have to learn how to look. Intentions with Emily for each episode join me in sending an intention for the show. I do it and I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? How can this episode help you? Well, my intention is to help you walk

into your next date, confident and assured, whether you're seeing someone brand new or long term. I want you to have more rewarding, fulfilling dates. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show and check out my YouTube channel, Social Media, and TikTok. It's all at Sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, do it. Leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily, or call my hotline. 559 Talk Sex or 559 825 5739. Just include your name, your age, where you live,

and how you listen to the show. And it's totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. Alright, one more thing. I have to tell you about Hiredos. It is the sauna blanket. You might have seen me talk about this on my Instagram, but I have become obsessed with it. It is my new self-care routine that I do a few days a week. And I don't know about you, that I love heat therapy. That's probably one of the oldest therapies in the world. It's been around for thousands of years.

And so I used to love going to Sauna's and I'd go to a place in LA that I could like rent the sauna because it helps me. Personally, it's helped me with inflammation. It's helped me restore muscles. It helps me relax. It immediately has this calming presence on my nervous system. Well, Hiredo's has a sauna of blanket that you use in your home.

I just zip into it for like 30, 45 minutes and there have been so many incredible benefits. I mean, first, listen, when you do a healthy sweat like that, it completely boosts my mood. I don't do anything but just lie there. It does calm my nervous system. I feel way less anxious. And what I've also found is it really paves a path towards creativity. So I feel like when I'm calmer, all the creative ideas flow in that I'm actually craving doing it. This also helps with blood flow and circulation. And I'm telling you, if you've had challenges around orgasm or a rousal, this is going to do the ticket for you. I know it's helped me. Also great for your skin. My skin is glowing and I haven't had any back pain

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All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Before we get started, I just want to remind you all that this podcast episode is a best up and was originally recorded in 2019. So, some aspects of the show may be a bit dated, including references to gender. I started using penis and vulva owners around 2020. Should we talk to Jimmy? Yes, we have Jimmy who is 38 in Indiana and he needs tips on how to talk to women. Hey Jimmy, I like this question.

Hey, good evening, how's everybody doing? I'm good, I used to get asked this question a lot and I totally get it, it's not easy talking to women. Ask me specifically, how can I help you? I have a couple different examples. Like one on like dating apps and stuff like that. Like it seems like I'm either not like I'm like overly aggressive or anything like that,

but like either I'm just really, it seems like I'm playing the long game, like talking, talking all the time and then just goes too long or I'm like, hey, you know, we go out this weekend and then yeah, and then something is like, you can't really find the, the meat you grab in a ground? I'm like another one. Yeah. I end up meeting a lot of people just different places. I don't know if like, you know,

hey, you should I ask for a phone number. Is that even what people do anymore? Like, you know, a layer of it. Yeah, if you do, you could say, I don't know your Instagram or why. Well, a lot of people do Instagram. A lot of you, you could also say, let me give you my number.

I'm interested in going out with you if you want to call me, call me. Like, that's what I've had guys do. So yeah, that's the thing you could do. You could let them know you're interested. And you could also let them know that you're not much of a text or here's a thing. We talk about this thing,

I don't want to friggin text on those apps. I don't want to text anybody. So I like to pick up the phone. Or if you are texting on the apps, you want to make sure that you're noticing something on their profile and you're sending a first to make sure that you're noticing something on their profile and you're sending a first message that reflects that you actually read it. And not just to say, hey, happy we met here.

Like something a little bit clever and then get back to them, but don't let that go on too long. Like, I think that's the thing, the long game, there's no long game in online dating and app dating. I think that you just got to like right away, if there's a connection back and forth, say, hey, let's talk. I'd love to make it, say hey, let's talk. I'd love to make it, you know, in this way. And I be popping everybody, but I like to pick up the phone and talk or FaceTime even better.

And to see, like, is this someone I'd be interested in? Because you're all trying to meet someone. So I think it's just more like, you know, you could do the playful banter back and forth a few times. But if it's going on for days, like, no, that's a waste of time. And then you're never gonna see this person, maybe you'll never see this person. And then you had to like think of something clever.

And I think that you can cut to the chase and let them know that you want to talk or not talk. That's a thing with dating, I think, online. I think the more direct you are and the more you ask for a plan, like, what are you doing this weekend? Let's get a drink, move it along. And then if they're not interested and they don't get back to you, then you know, and then you unfollow them

or you un-match them. And then in real life, people like to talk about themselves, so ask questions, be a good listener, compliments, is that help you, Jimmy? Oh yeah, so like the other day I was getting lunch and then like, you know, I was sitting there waiting, and then like a couple of ladies came in.

And so I'm just standing there and then I just like, happened to look down and I say, oh, hey, nice shoes. And then you know she goes on and she's like oh these shoes I got these blah blah blah you know but we had like a little conversation and then like she ended up sitting down but then she had to come back up to the counter to pick something up and I was still there and then she had asked for like a band-aid or something like that because she had a small cut

and so then again I had'm making another conversation with her about her cut or whatever. Okay, okay. Yeah, then you could ask her out. And a situation like that, I don't know. Let's say, hey, this was fun talking to you. Do you want to grab a cup of coffee sometime? Can I give you my number?

Do it. Okay. Yeah, just do it. Practice, find your Jimmy voice. I feel like that was a lost opportunity. Yeah, you know it. Practice, find your Jimmy voice. That was a lost opportunity. Yeah, you know what? It only happened once then. Now you know.

And even if it's awkward, like, hey, can I get your number? Just ask. People do it to be all the time. You seem really friendly. You seem like a nice guy. She started talking to you and said, you know what, this was fun.

Let's get coffee. Can I get your number? I can give you mine. I've had guys do that. They're like, let me give you my number, which is kind of thinking new thing to do. So they're like, I'll put it in your mind, you know what? So I'm not giving you my number

and it puts it in my hands if I'm interested. So it's kind of a nice, not confrontational way to do it. Okay. All right, try some of those things. Let me know how it goes. Jimmy, I'll be here for you. Thanks for calling. Okay, this is Bethany 29 from Nashville

and she wants sex, but not casual sex. Hey, Bethany, tell me what's going on. Thanks for calling. Hey, hey. Thank you for having me. Of course. Well, when I wrote you, I was like talking about a situation that happened maybe like a year ago,

but I haven't had any like new situation since then. So it's kind of like, I guess I don't date that much and I don't really know why. To rare that I have relationships, like I've had like one relationship in my whole life and I'm 29. Okay. I'm realizing now looking back that I'm like, I just like was totally clueless about how

like the dating world quote unquote works. Like, now I'm like watching these like YouTube channels of like people like Ellie at Scott, I don't know if you heard of him, but he's giving tips to women about dating and how the mind of a man works, which sounds so tried or something that's really helping me and enlightening me right now. I'm like, damn, I wish I saw this a year ago. Give me an example of what made you go, damn, I didn't know that. What are you learning?

Right. There's this guy that I was talking to. He was messaging me on Instagram, but acting super, super interested. And I knew who he was. We liked each other's art and music and stuff. So we had a resonance. And it was like, oh, cool. We were talking about it.

And he was like, we should hang out. I really want to hang out with you. And then we did hang out. And it was really good. And I thought that he was someone that was worthwhile to... like I really want to hang out with you and then we did hang out and it was like really good and like I thought that he was someone that was like worthwhile to like Put time into I don't know. I guess I just like liked him and then he was seemed to be really into me too And was like super excited for like three weeks or something and then kind of just like stops right texting me as often

And then I started realizing like you you know, like months into it. I'm like, oh, I really like him. But I guess he's only texting me like once every two weeks. Like, you know, and I was so like monkey mind about it. And then like, and now this like a year ago or something. And now I'm finding all these YouTube channels that are like, Hey, girls, this is what guys do. Like, they actually into you because they have to hook you in

and then they might be like trying to keep you using the bare minimum amount of effort or like, if you don't lay down the law or show them what your boundaries or standards are, initially, then they're not going to like... Respect you or something? Greet you. Yeah, kind of.

I just like didn't know that there was, that was like a no saying. I would stop watching all the channels. This is what I want for you. Not that's helpful and I get it. Like I wouldn't say stop. I'm saying that there is useful information for sure. If you haven't dated, like listen to things,

figure things out up for you. You just haven't had a lot of experience dating. So I don't believe in all of these rules. Like what I believe is that you figure out like what you're looking for right now. And I think the thing about dating is, you don't really know what's going on with the other person. Like I would say that it's all about,

like people day for a few weeks, so they might be seeing a lot of people, like he might not be looking for whoever it is. He, like the grand, he's like dating a bunch of people, or maybe he got back together with his ex, or maybe he just wanted sex, or he has no time for a relationship. There's a million reasons why relationships don't work out.

But women and men, we do this. We blame ourselves. So what I do wrong, I shouldn't have invited back to my house after the second date. That's why I wear this skirt. You know, I should have worn pants. I don't know. I was like, we think of a million things he didn't like that. You know, he didn't like the dinner I made.

I'm like, we come up with all these things and it's never what we were about. It's never those things that we obsess about. So, I think the most important thing is building your confidence around men. And really just being comfortable, like making friends with guys and dating and just being like, and understanding what you want right now.

And I think it is true that everybody on date, like, there is something fun when you're dating someone to kind of like, we don't know where it's gonna go. But I think it's important to honestly know like if you're just casually dating right now You can let people know like I'm just dating or I'm I'm looking for you know to hang out with people or maybe you want a boyfriend So if you do like maybe you'd state a few people at once and you let people know that like I am looking for something serious But not right away or I want to get to know you more like I do think that people appreciate more information And I think that even if you don't know you can let them know that you're exploring it because I think

rather than just kind of pretending that it's nothing and we're all being casual and what's going to happen that's when we end up getting hurt and making up all these meanings to things that have no meaning. So I think you just got to get back out there like you said you don't really know how to date and I think like said you don't get asked the hour or you don't meet people, there's a lot of single people. Like you're a Nashville. Like there are single people everywhere. There's more single people now in America than ever. So I think the thing about where we don't meet people is because we don't put ourselves out there. Like you take the same root home from every work, from work every day, you go to the same bar with your friends, you hang out with your same

three friends. So how you start meeting people is saying yes to those invites, like maybe once a week, you say yes to that barbecue that you don't really like, someone invites you to on Facebook, you know those of invites and you're like, you never look at them, they're like, oh, I kinda like her, maybe she'll have cool friends, or you let people know that you know and trust

family and friends that you're single. Like if you know anyone, like fix me up, so you start putting that energy out there. And you just start practicing talking to guys and people that you're maybe not even attracted to, but you just have that rapport, so it's not so scary for you when you go out. You're like, how do I talk to a guy?

And then it just becomes second nature. So I would say it's more about you and having confidence in yourself and your work and having a healthy life, having a rich, healthy, full life, I think, and being comfortable in yourself is the way that you start to meet people, because then you're coming from a good, solid place,

and then you'll be tracking people who are like-minded. Rather than being like, it's a date, what does it mean? You know what I'm saying? This way, it's sort of part of what you're doing right now. You're working, you're seeing your friends, you're working out, you know, you're doing all these other things and that it's a part of it. It's not become your singular focus. Because then dating happens as part of a lifestyle. Does that make sense?

Right, yeah. Do you have any other questions around that? Because I feel like I'm trying to get your question because I said you're not that comfortable like dating. And I think that casual sex and stuff, like I think you just kind of, casual sex isn't for everybody. Like casual sex, it's not like the rules to the society that you have to have it. Like some people are just like, I don't like it, right?

They're like, no, I can't handle not knowing as someone's gonna call or not being intimate with someone and knowing that they were part of a relationship or that I could trust them. And for a lot of women, the best sex they have is when they're with someone they trust. And they know they're gonna see him, where they're comfortable. But when we're not someone they trust. And they know they're going to see them, where they, you're comfortable.

But when we're not comfortable or it's new, we feel pressured. That's not when we have the best sex. So you might be someone who right now needs to know somebody. Like you want to feel like you've gone out, you've had some experiences, and then you feel safe. And then you might even have cancer sex and be like, it's still not for me or you might learn. Like I've gone through ebbs and flows in my life where I'm into the casual sex and then I'm

not and they've done a relationship but you know it's just ebbs and flows. So right now it's maybe you don't even really know what works for you. So I would practice dating or saying yes to people that you wouldn't, they call it duty dating but like thing yes to people that you wouldn't normally say yes to. Finding who your type is, finding what you like doing with a guy. So kind of start from that place rather than making it about sex. Damn. Yeah.

Damn, right? Like, just put your, do you have a, like, do go out a lot? Do you do things that you, you know, what are you like doing? What's fun for Bethel? I, I, I, well, I just moved here to this new city. Okay. I'm just like working a lot. And then my coworker invited me to show

she's performing at tonight. And I was like, damn, I don't know if I'm gonna go. And then when you're saying that, I was like, damn, you know, maybe I should. I'm telling you, yeah, I'm telling you you should go. Because whenever I've not wanted to go to something, just because I'm tired of home from work and I make myself go, I've been in periods of life where and I

come and go where I'm like no I gotta be more social. So if you said you were gonna go just go and I feel like 99% of the time I do not regret going out. Like I'm just like I'm glad I went. You might meet some really cool friends you just move to new city. So it's kind of exciting like you're probably looking for female friends, male friends, everything. So these are the experiences where you meet people. Yes, you can use the apps and all that, but I think actually being comfortable in the new town, and it's exciting. Like it's exciting to move to a city in your 20s where you don't know anybody.

Like I did that and it was like the most time, like I look back on that and like how you get to reinvent yourself, you get to like, you know, where you're at in your life right now. So I would think about, I would kind of, like I said, work on developing a really rich life right now. Like I would think about, I would kind of, like I said, work on developing a really rich life right now. Like, healthy life. Just around it by good people and it's just gonna happen for you.

That's true. Feel like I'm like, want to like have, intimate with people, but I guess I just like have to wait because I have to like, no, if I can trust that. Oh, cause you're one of, yeah, I mean, no, I'm not saying you have to. Maybe you try it and you're like, oh, that didn't work for me.

There are no rules here. You get to decide your own rules. Like, so everyone gets to set up their own rules. So, you know, if you decide you want sex, you can go out and find sex, you get to decide. Like some people are like, I just, that's excellent. I get to, because when we get to decide, like you can decide if you don't want to call someone as well.

So I think just meet that person. And then in the moment, you can decide what do I want, not the other way around, you know what I'm saying? Like there's some people are like, I would have in casual sex for two years, and it doesn't feel good. I'm like, okay, here's your practice. Go out with someone and don't sleep with them

for a month, right? But you're not in that position right now. I don't know what you're like, Bethany, I don't know, so you might not know either. So you might find someone in the next few days you like and you want to go out them again and maybe this weekend, you guys will make out who knows. So I don't think you should be so hard on yourself.

I think you should just trust your gut and your feelings and check in with yourself. How does it feel? I'm like, yeah, I think it's probably better to take things slow and get to know someone, but if you don't, just in the sleep with someone, see how that makes you feel. You never know, a lot of things work for everybody,

but what I'm saying for you is we don't know yet. So just keep checking with yourself and just go out and meet some people. I've met a lot of my guys, bloody, love dating, or through other friends and shared experiences. Definitely. Well, like, with the person that I was talking about earlier, like it did feel like super right. And then I ended up being like, let me tell you why I wasn't right. I'm gonna tell you this. And I fled you go. Let me tell you why I wasn't right because you were new at dating. You said he was texting you every two weeks. So for a lot of people that wouldn't feel right, I'd be like, where'd you go? Like two weeks, like to me, it's like, you know, like you want to talk more often. So there probably were signs there. Like when

you were with them, it was probably great. But then, you know, maybe you got busy in your life. But I would say there were probably signs that it wasn't perfect in the sense of like, you probably there were signs that he was seeing other people or that was gonna drop off. You know what I'm saying? So, let that experience go from a year ago,

because it sounds like we tend to hang on to our last experience that was the most intense. So, let's let that go. Your new, your new Bethany and a new city, go out tonight. I think you're weighing your head about this. And I just want you to go out and have fun, make new friends, figure out where you love to go.

People love meeting new people. Like it's so fun. You know, you're bringing yourself to the table and you're going to start to like meet new people and have new experiences and then everything else is going to follow. So don't trip on this last guy and what it meant. People are doing a whole bunch of different things right now and you meet him. You never know. So I don't think that means anything.

Okay. You got this, Anthony. Just go out and figure out who you are. Okay. I will. Okay. Yes, you're so welcome, Anthony. Let me know it goes.

You got this. Have fun. Thank you. Go out, okay? Leave your house now. Oh my god, yeah, I'm going. Just go shower, get out the door. It'll be so happy.

I promise you. Have a good night. Thank you, Emily You're so welcome, sweetie. I wanted to get to the bottom of that because I knew I knew that like we're holding on to things and we're so on our heads but I'm telling you guys just getting out there letting people know you're single. It's not that like if people don't like you or you're broken, I just think that's how you meet people as being involved having a rich life. Like, and what I mean by that is like, doing things outside of work, we're all tired at the end of the day.

It's so much easier to go home and watch TV than it is to go out and meet people, but I'm telling you, once you do it, and once you start to say, once a week, I'm gonna have this experience, I promise you, that's how you build your social circle, that's how you're gonna meet people you're into, and that's what people find attractive too,

is people who have a lot going on in a real genuine way, not in like a fake way. Like you got to build yourself up, but like if people who love life are attracting people who also love life and are attracted to that energy. So be the person you want to find. After the break, more of your relationship questions. So don't go anywhere.

This is from David 35 in Washington. I've been single for seven years. The past three I've been actively looking for someone for a serious relationship, but I've had a lot of trouble. I'm a single full-time dad and have been through a lot and know what I'm looking for, but what I talk to women about what I want and how I am in a relationship and how I'm up to doing things that are more open and adventurous with my partner,

which is only turning to being badgered about how I'm not ready for a real woman or attachment. I'm at a loss. I'm not wanting to lead into a relationship without having everything out on the table. Advise, please. All right, David, I love that you're speaking up ahead of time and letting these women know what you actually want, but I can kind of see where the problem is here. So he's thinking, I'm saying open and adventurous and they should be like, wow, tell me more. What kind of adventures? Let's go be open.

Let's go swing. No, do you know what they're thinking? They're going, they're calling their friends going, this dude David wants me open adventures. He wants an orgy. He wants three sims. He wants to sleep with six women at one time. That's what they're hearing.

I'm guessing. This is why I always talk about really breaking down your communication that just stating what you want is a great first step. Because so many of us start a new relationship, we never explain what we want, we just sort of pretend we want what they want, but we don't tell them that we actually have a really adventurous side, and we might be dating other people, and we just keep it quiet. And then we suffer silently. So you are not doing that, David. That was a great first step. The next step is going to be letting them

know what you mean by that. I'm going to have to put words in your mouth here, but I wouldn't even mean open and adventurous. I mean, I think I wouldn't even lead with that. What I might say, let's just pretend this is was David's intent. He's dating a new woman, he's a single dad. He can't wait to have a serious relationship. He said he's looking for a serious relationship. Like, he wants that. So he leads with this. I've really been looking for someone, you know, what I want right now is a serious relationship. I'm not looking for a mother of my child, but I'm looking for someone that I could commit to. I'm not totally ready to move in together yet, but I'd really like to be with one person. I also want to be with somebody who shares my values on sex. What's really

important to me, my sexuality, is to be with someone who is open to exploring. Someone who's more adventurous. Somebody who likes to try toys. Someone who will watch porn with me. Somebody who, I don't know, maybe you want to threesome. Somebody who, in the past, I've had threesome and that's been a big part of my ability to get aroused I think it'd be hot to see you with another woman. I mean break this down because we think we're saying it and then we walk away and since we don't understand things and we just We go it goes awry and our partner it gets confused So I think clarifying what adventures means to you

is really going to help you, David. We have Penny 54 in Texas. She wants to know how to transition from a sex site into a dating site. Penny, I'm so curious about this. So tell me more. I've been in a sex list marriage for about 10 years, about four years ago when I turned 50, I decided

I should be having sex. And if my husband didn't want to have it with me then I should have it with somebody else. So some friends recommended some sex sites and so I went on them and I've had a lot of fun. But now I'm going through a divorce, not because of this for other reasons obviously, but I'm going through a divorce and so now I'm looking to have a real relationship but I'm going through a divorce. And so now I'm looking to have a real relationship, but I'm finding it hard to go find a real relationship

and meet somebody without wanting to, of course, inquire about their sex life first. Yeah, of course. I mean, yeah, Penny, this is, okay, so first of all, okay. So what, I'm just curious what the sex sites that you were on. What are those sex sites? Because I want to understand, maybe you could tell me more about how it worked. Like was it just like this is what I want at this time

and there was no emotional attachment anybody? So when I first started going on it, of course there was emotional attachment that that was like scaring the men off or whatever because obviously they were in it for sex and I was in it to try to find something else. So then I turned my emotions off and then it just became a physical thing. Okay. And that was satisfying to you. So now, so now it's satisfying to me. Right. I think this is such a great question, Penny, because I believe that we need to figure out

if we are sexually compatible with someone that's even more important than like finding out if you like the same music or you like the same movies or you know, values are important. We both value family, do we value health? I mean, that stuff is important, but sex is something that we just never talk about. We think we're just gonna figure it out. So I think that it's sort of like,

you know, when you go out with someone, I think how do you usually do it now? Like do you just meet them out for a date or do you talk on the phone? Well, so that's a problem. Did I haven't actually met anybody from the legitimate sites? Okay. So from the fixed site, I met a lot of people. I did not have sex with everyone of them obviously, but I met more people on these sites. I am not having any luck, but it's also

when I'm having dialogue with them, I'm trying to be so cautious about what I say that I think I'm not being personable enough. Right, right. When you say talking, are you texting? Yeah, we're texting. Okay, so listen, this is what I think, and this is worked for Kristen Dates Online, this help Kristen, this help many people that I think you should set up a FaceTime date. You can even line up a bunch of them back to back before you even meet them. So you know, like, do I even want to take the time out of my day?

Or am I evening to meet with someone and start to talk to them and get a vibe for them and like, because I don't do the apps that I just don't like texting. I'd rather meet some on and all this stuff so you can say that, like, let's hop on a call. First of all, it saves you a lot of time and trying to have to be clever and trying to be whatever they get the vibe or the personality. And then you can just ask them questions in. I'm not necessarily about sex, it's like you can be like how important it's sex to you.

You know, you can learn, you can kind of figure out what feels comfortable to you, but I just think if you're starting to get on the regular sites and non-sex sites that break in that ice with a face time call, could be really helpful for you. So I was just very cautious about giving out my phone number because I had an incident when I was on the sex side

that somebody took my phone number and did that reverse look up and paid to have find my information and got my address and all that stuff and kind of stalk me. Oh no, okay. Yeah, so I'm so beautiful. Oh, okay, don't then don't do that. Okay, so maybe maybe what about Skype?

Could you get like a, is there like a fake, like a fin stub up for Skype? You get a fake Skype account. I would just Skype. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Do it that way. Yeah.

So you can just set up a Skype. Yeah. So I have to work, but obviously I'm not going to do the work Skype. Yeah. Just set up a Skype. Set up a Skype. Yeah. Set up a Skype at home.

I think everyone has Skype. If not, they're going to get Skype. If they want to talk, set up a skype at home. I think everyone has skype. If not, they're going to get skype. If they want to talk, do they can figure it out. So I think that would be a great way to do it. Yeah, do that. Do skype. Because I just think it saves us all a lot of time. Because it's just really hard to be texting back and forth.

So I would try to do that. And then when you actually find something. The thing is, I'm not getting past the first, like, how are you? How are you doing kind of questions to even like say let's talk on the phone kind of how how not understanding what I'm right wrong what is exactly happening so you're matching with someone which site are you on for example so I'm a kind of couple so I'm on match.com and I'm on Bumble okay and I think that Bumble is probably too close to the other site that I was on so but mean, there are things they're

do seem to be some really nice guys, but I'm just not meeting anybody. And I don't, I'm, you know, I just totally do not want to go to the sex side. I'm totally sure. What are the sex sites? I got to know which sex sites you're on. Can you tell me what sex sites? You don't have to be a self-friend finder. Oh.

If you don't friend finder. Okay. I forgot. Yeah, adult friend finder. All right. So, okay. Yeah, don't friend finder. All right. So I think that hinge people are loving hinge right now. I feel like every year there's like a new one and people are loving hinge, right? Jamie, Chris, I feel like hinge tell it's a dating site. Yeah. You don't talk about it. It's a dating. It's a dating app. Yeah. Yeah. It's just it's different in the sense of like you don't necessarily swipe on people.

So you have picture, like you set it up, you put in pictures the same way, but then you have like, you have to pick three prompts. So they're questions. So it's like you should not go out on date with me if or let's debate. And it like you put, you know, little questions like that or like your perfect Saturday, it looks like this. And then you, when you're looking through your match, like matches, it'll say, oh, they liked this picture of you or they liked this comment of you and you can comment back. Or if you're going through, you can like that. You can like a comment or like a thing and you can invite them to start the chat. That way too. So if you match together, then you don't. It is not a three one or is that a pay one?

Free. It's free. I would try that out and don't give up, you know. Keep going with it, Penny. I'm not sure. Yeah. Okay. So let me know.

I'm signing up for it. Can I ask another question? Sure. I am 54 and I'm a little, okay. I'm a little overweight, but I'm doing keto right now. If I'm losing weight. But I'm very comfortable in my skin But I was I'm looking for obviously a man who's very good looking to me and that I find attractive and stuff and

I'm not getting that Matt is so am I like way on left field to try to want that? No, not at all not at all listen confidence is like that is such a sexy thing So keep doing you. You are not off track at all and you will find that person. So no, you're not. And the other thing that you just remind me you said your age because you're 54. There's an app called another dating app called our time. And it's for people over 15. And I have a friend who got married on it. She met someone and got married. So I hadn't heard a lot about it, but that's another option. I did. I did. I thought about that one. My only and I hear my vain thing is I'm 54, but I don't think I look 54. I'm with my friends. Don't tell me that I tell me that I look like I'm in my early 40s. Yeah, but just try it. Listen, just try it. You try it. Why not? If you don't like it, you'll get off of it. I think it's great to diversify. I don't think to lose exactly nothing to lose everything to game penn you'll get off of it. I think it's great to diversify. I don't think I can lose. Exactly.

Nothing to lose, everything to game, penny. Yes, do it. So this next one is from Josh who is 43 in Colorado. Hello, Dr. Emily, big fan. I was in a 15-year marriage that ended, and I'm now on dating apps mostly, but what I experience is this. The women I'm interested in won a long-term relationship.

And I'm not saying that I don't, but I'm also not saying that I do. The women who want to just date, I'm usually not interested. I feel bad on dates if women are looking to be married or at least monogamous. And I can't say that is what I want, but it's not that I don't want it. I know it's what I want with the right person, but how do you handle this? What if you love dating someone, but you don't want to marry them, but in the beginning, they communicate that they do. It's like everyone is jumping from first date to joint bank account. I want to see more than but in the beginning, they communicate that they do. It's like everyone is jumping from first date to joint bank account.

I want to see more than one person a while and then maybe get exclusive. And then we will see it's like a three year process. And the women I date who I find wonderful, hot and amazing want to be married yesterday. So what does one do? All right. Thanks, Josh, for your question. And it's good to hear from you. So this makes sense. You're married for 15 years and you're back on the apps.

And a lot of women, they are looking for long-term commitments. They are looking for marriage as are a lot of men. But you can let someone know that you'd like to date casually and that that's what you're looking for right now. You can be totally honest. I just got out of a marriage. I'm kind of figuring out what my next steps are. I'm looking to spend some time with a few people.

Eventually, maybe you want to be a longer term relationship, but right now, you don't want to jump in right away. You can let them know that. I agree with you that it does take time. And I sort of date more like you do. I feel like I, how should we know after a few dates if this is something we want to move forward with and have a relationship? I think that if you are dating a few people at once and you're really honest about it to everybody, and to yourself, then you get to kind of see, well, what's out there?

Who am I now? Who is Josh as a 43 year old man who got out of a 15 year marriage? You might not know what kind of woman you're looking for, what kind of relationship you want. So there's nothing wrong with you wanting this, but I think the big thing here is communication being up front on the app so you're not looking

for something serious and you are open to whatever happens. Just let them know, put it out there so everyone's on the same page. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure.

If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemleaf.com.