Sex With Emily - How to Have Shameless Sex w/ Amy Baldwin & April Lampert

Episode Date: November 7, 2023

I get asked all the time: what makes great sex? Well, today’s guests would argue that the best sex is shameless sex. Amy Baldwin and April Lampert, the dynamic duo behind the Shameless Sex podcast, join me today in answering all your juicy questions. From learning to identify what you really want in bed to how to take hot vulva pics and deciding whether an open relationship is right for you, Amy and April share their top tips for becoming a better lover.In this episode, you’ll learn:How to feel more present and embodied during sexWhat “shameless sex” really meansHow to improve your sex life with old and new partnersSee the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.Show Notes:Triple Stimulation MasturbationAges & Stages In Your Sex LifeBathmate (code EMILY10 for 10% off sitewide)Magic WandWe-VibePodcast: Orgasms, Squirting & The Year of Anal LickingPre Order Shameless Sex: Choose Your Own Pleasure Path to Unlock the Sex Life You’ve Been Waiting ForShameless Sex Podcast: Spotify | Apple PodcastsShameless Sex Socials: Instagram | TikTok | YouTube | WebsiteSHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $69)Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureWant more? Sex With Emily: Home | Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | TikTok Let’s text: Sign Up HereSign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

My first orgasm is from a vibrator. I had had sex with that four to five people at that time, never had an orgasm. But a water dancer from vibratex no longer made. Kind of like a pocket rocket gave me my first orgasm. I squirted to and I was like, what is this? But I kind of already know what it is. And so for a while, that was like a big part of my life, that imprinting. And the people that were pressuring about not needing, you shouldn't need this,

didn't help me learn how to orgasm the other way. That created pressure in my brain and headiness and having partners that were like, yeah, bring it out, that's great. Helped me to actually open up to be able to have orgasms in other ways. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you

prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. I get asked all the time, what makes great sex? Well today's guests would argue that the best sex is shameless sex. Amy Baldwin and April Lampert, the dynamic duo behind the shameless sex podcast, join me today in answering all your juicy questions. From learning to identify what you really want in bed, to how to take hot vulva picks and deciding whether an open relationship

is right for you. Amid April, share their top tips for becoming a better lover. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen. Do it right now. Take two seconds and it totally helps us get the shot to more people. We appreciate you when you do that. And check out my new articles, Triple Stimulation Masterbation. Don't you want to check that out? How hot is that? And, Aegis and Stages in your sex life are both up on sexwithemily.com. Art of One, Enjoy this episode! It is my joy to help you have more pleasure and better sex. It's why I launched shop with Emily so you can shop the products I talk about on this show.

We're talking all my favorite vibes, lubes, rings, strokeers, sleeves, couples toys, and so much more. But here's a deal. When you're on my text list, you know the moment and new toy drops. You know when I restock your faves, it's my personal line to you with VIP access to my store and special offers. And trust me, you'll want to get on this list,

especially since shop with Emily is running our first ever Black Friday Cyber Monday sale. You can get everything you need for a great out of sex before it sells out, which is annoying. Trust me. So go to sexwithemily.com slash text to get on the list. You'll be the first to know about this mega sale and all others when I pay your phone. And while you're getting on the list, did you know I also give really great email. When you sign up for my newsletter at sexwithemily.com slash subscribe, you'll get a weekly note about my articles, my podcast, shop specials, and my guides. You know, like my yes-no-maybe list, my guide to sexting, my guide to mutual masturbation,

edging, and there's way more to come. These are your free premium tools to have better sex and more of it. Check them out at sexwithenly.com slash guides. They are all here for you, so have fun. Today, we are joined by two women who are no strangers to the world of pleasure and intimacy. Amy Baldwin, sex and relationship coach and lead educator for Uber Loop in April Lampert, the sex toy mogul behind Hot Octopus, they join forces on their popular shameless sex podcast. And they are here to inspire radical self-love, sexual powerment, and most importantly, shame-free intimacy.

And they're hilarious and real and I know you're going to fall in love with them. It was so fun having them in our new studio and if you haven't seen them, go check out the video clips of this episode on our social media. So today, you're going to learn about Amy and April's journeys to having shameless sex themselves, how to feel more present and embodied during sex, and what shameless sex really means. We also discuss STIs, how to reframe having an STI and how to talk to your partner about it in a really powerful conversation we have. We also talk about nudes, how to take them, celebrate your body, and why they might actually be really good for you. And most importantly, they have a brand new book coming out November 14th. Shameless sex, choose your own pleasure path to unlock the sex life you've been waiting for, which you should all pre-order right now. We will put the link in our show notes.

All right, let's get into the interview. Super excited to welcome my guest today. Very special guest, Amy Baldwin, and April Lampert. Congratulations on your new book, Shameless Sex. Fantastic. Choose your own pleasure path to unlock the sex life you've been waiting for. It's super SEO friendly right there, right? Yeah. Check it out.

Check it out. I have a new book. What's the time of your book? I say Shameless Sex. I can't even get the rest of it down. I just said like, it's the time of your book? I say shameless sex. I can't even get the rest of it down. I just said like, it's okay. People don't, yeah. I'm just so proud of you guys. Congratulations on your success of shameless sex podcast. Lots happened since the year of Aino Licking. So, so much fun.

That's where it all happened. Believe it was 2017, you were on the podcast because we're friends, we were in the industry and you came on, it was just a hilarious show and we ended up pointing at the year of Aino, I think you you pointed the year of Aino Linking. Yeah, I was accidentally. Yeah, but it was so good. It was like, oh, that's perfect. 2016 too was the year of Aino Linking. That was the year of Aino Linking because it was January when we recorded. It was that long ago. It was. Okay, so we had a really funny podcast and you guys can check it out. Maybe we'll

link it in the show notes for a walk down memory lane. But then since then you had this inspiration to start now. What is this shameless sex podcast? We drove away from the episode with you in 2017. And at the time April was going through a divorce, I was going through a heartache with one of those relationships. We get like five of them in one every year for five years. And it was like round four maybe, maybe round three. So we left there. We always knew we would do a creative project together at some point and inspired us being with you We're like, why don't we start a podcast with Emily be mad? No, I think she'd be happy for us

And we started working on it for maybe four months It was almost like therapy on some level because we were already talking to each other about Relationships about sex for years because we were both in the sex toy industry. And then after your show, it just inspired the creativity flowing through us because we loved hanging out. And then people responded. We didn't think it was ever going to be anything. We thought it was going to be a passion project, slash our own individual therapy together. And it turned out to be this like massive, beautiful, almost like life's work. And thanks to you, we always say that. Like you birthed us in a way. Like if that, like it's more like a sister,

but that's how your sister, podcast mother. Well, I, I, it makes so much sense because you guys are so good together and you aren't helping so many people. It's probably also strengthened your friendship as you're saying, right? Like just, and you are a side. We should have had a therapist during the writing

of the book. Yes, definitely. Because it was so, I can't imagine doing it on by yourself. We talked about that while we were writing the book, we're like, how did Emily do this by yourself? But together it's hard too because you got to collab, what are you going to say and how you're going to organize it. But we're not like switching every other page or chapter, we're both contributing equally

and that's a lot of work. It's like writing two books in one, she wrote a book, I wrote a book and it's one book. that's a lot of work. It's like writing two books in one. Like she wrote a book, I wrote a book, and it's one book. It's a lot of work and we kind of forgot about that. Like friends and business partners might need therapists at times too. Not just like, lovers. No, they really do. They really do. In fact, that's a whole new business now.

Like I know a lot of therapists who actually go into companies because like, let's be honest, there's dysfunction anywhere. You get people spending a lot of time together and they're going to have a hard time communicating. And they're going to have issues that come up and their old traumas are going to flare up, even if it's, you know, in's dysfunction anywhere. You get people spending a lot of time together and they're going to have a hard time communicating and they're going to have issues that come up and their old traumas are going to flare up even if it's in the boardroom. We were really lucky with having a strong history of being friends and practicing repair work because we had been doing that for, I mean we've known each other since 2006. Amy knows how to talk to me when I get triggered and then vice versa where. I'm a triggered at first when you did trigger.

But she's like, let's talk. Because I will, I kind of, I can kind of fly out the handle or get like really the flight, I don't fight. I just am like, bye, I'm leaving. And then I won't talk about it. She's like, is everything okay? We need to talk about this.

So it is like a relationship. And my partner says that. He's like, I have you and your partner, Amy. And I'm like, yes, we are non-sexual life partners. For sure. Maybe you could tell a little bit about your history, because I know I met Amy in 2016 doing our somatic training, somatic therapy, which is therapy about being embodied and being present,

and we did a lot of work together there. And then we met when you were working as sex toy company. Confedery. Fun fact, right. Fun sex toys. Well, I loved you when you had the misadvised show. And so I knew who you were, and then when we were gonna work with you, I was like, oh my god, Emily. So we ended up being at like some potty's together.

Yeah. And then I was like, I have a total girl crush on you, and you're like, really? And then I was like, you're so cool. And then I was on your show talking about sex toys and loop for fun factory, like a mini little inside of the fridge back in the day. And then, I don't know, we'd always hang out. We did, we always liked each other.

When Amy said she was going to Sematica with you, I was so excited, it was like, I love him, we'd tell her, hi, and then we're having her on your show. And then Amy was like, you're coming with him. Yeah, that's it, that's our first, yeah. It's perfect, it's a perfect medium. So let's look at what shameless sex. Yeah. It's a perfect medium. So let's look at what shameless sex because shame is such a huge theme.

I think it's the most pervasive challenge a people have around sex is their shame, right? And it's so hard. It's so elusive, too, right? But I love that we like got to really just break it down for a little. So how would you guys define shameless sex? I think when people hear that they're assuming that we're trying to get to a point where we have no shame at all or shame won't ever happen again, and that's not exactly how it works. We started the podcast where, what is our mission?

It's to eradicate shame. But then we reframe that because we looked at shame as a teacher and something that comes throughout our lives. If we're lucky, maybe it doesn't come for a number of years, but there's not really a hierarchy of shame either. While it's shameless sex, it's how can we have as little shame as possible and have the tools to work with shame as it comes in in the future. It's not so impactful and doesn't become armor on our bodies that we have to take months

or years to move through. I guess I would think of shameless sex as a de-armoring, the process of de-armoring, the body, and the genitals, the pussy, the bits, all whatever bits you're rocking, so that you can be and live as your most free sexual being and relational being too. As shameless sex isn't just about sex, it's also about relationships, love, casual sex, whatever, all the things, dating, all the pieces. I didn't even know how much shame I was carrying around until we started the podcast.

We interview folks, right? And so we'd have different people, therapists, doctors, and certain things they would drop in about, well, that's linked to shame. Or if you've ever done this and I was like, whoa, I totally, I guess I am. Like maybe I never really love the way my pussy looks and I need to really look at her and embrace all the things

and then also talking about things that I never thought I would share with people publicly about like personal stuff that I did have shame about. And so the podcast gave me a tool to actually on armor myself and it felt so good. It felt like a release after I started having real shame less conversations because normalizing sex, which is what you do and you've done for so long, but normalizing sex,

it sounds so easy, but it's not. People have triggers and people are from different environments, different places of the world. They've had different experiences. Trauma can be really heavy for people and that's not something where like you just need to get over it. You know, get over your shame, get over your trauma. It's like, no, there is work that you can do. And then those pieces will all float together so you can have really amazing sex. And it all starts with you.

Would you guys be willing to share some of the shame hurdles that you've overcome, like what it looked like and how it looks now? What are some of the things that you've worked through just to show people examples of how we can, maybe never go, never goes away, but how do you handle it? What's some shame art or zoo jumped? Oh my gosh, so STI.

I got an STI on a 17. I thought I was broken. I didn't think I deserved pleasure a lot of times. So I wore that almost like this piece of like a shield. And I would just almost like expect to help my partner get off usually penis-owning people and never expect to orgasm in the bedroom, not just because the STI status, but I just thought I was broken and I didn't deserve pleasure. I could masturbate in orgasm that way, but I had never even had an orgasm with a

partner before, like before I was like in my mid-20s or something, which is I think that's one of my most significant things that I will say. I mean, there's so many more, but I want Amy to share to you. The STI status was really powerful for April because I knew of her STI status for years and she told me, oh, it's close friends.

But we didn't even talk about this. She didn't even decide it this, but we did an episode, episode number one, 20, the STI episode, with our dear friend and nurse practitioner, Remy Pya, and we're talking to STI as an April, just out at it on the air. I started crying too, because I didn't expect to. You do my, what is it?

It was, I was diagnosed with HSV1, which is when people get oral cold sores, that's what you get from someone going down on you, that's had an oral cold sore that I probably didn't notice or didn't see. So I have HSV1 on the genitals. And I was told by doctors and by ex-boyfriends and by my parents and by friends that I was discussing. And you hear people make off the cuff jokes about herpes? I'm like, wow, I don't want to sit. I don't want to get the hurt.

You know, hook up with that, jago, get the herbs. I mean, I've heard people say it. And so I always was like, oh, that was like, hit me in the gut. And so that episode, so that was episode one, as you said, 150. And I still hadn't talked about this. And we had had other moments because I was ashamed. And so I was like, who am I sitting here talking about

to this doctor, which a nurse practitioner, talking about STIs. And I can share what happened, you know, to people, to me, that I felt this way. And I felt terrible about having an STI. And I just cried and it saw you know, to people, to me, that I felt this way and I felt terrible about having an STI. And I just cried and it's so, but I was like, yeah, this has been hard and it felt so good that I was talking about it.

And then we had people write in, someone saying that I wanted to commit suicide until they heard, like, how normal it was for people to admit and that- I have us to. And how that's to us. And also not also hearing that nothing's wrong. And I'm not broke. You could go on and have a life. Yes, have sex.

How good sex? That's how you normalize it. By the truth, right? Like you put light on it, right? When you shed light on what you think is your darkness, right? Maybe you take a dead person or the antiviral medication. And your life is over. And that's what the Derspect tissue said.

She's like, look, it's so common. STS are so common And Amy was like, yeah, I've had I've had a climiting at twice Yeah, see you from JT. Yeah, just a tip. Yeah, just a little drop of fluid. Don't get you And it felt so good and we were laughing now and sometimes we can sometimes use humor Maybe more than we should but yeah Yeah, they don't want like a serious more than we should, but yeah. That's part of the one makes it. Yeah. People need that.

They don't want like a serious clinical thing. Yeah. Okay, well that's just a shame. Amy, one thing that stands out to me is having shame around the way that I orgasm or experience pleasure, meaning I'm someone who really likes sex toys and vibrators. I don't need it all the time, but sometimes I do need it and I want it and I've had partners that have shamed me for that. Like why would you need that? Or people that I haven't even slept with, I just made out and they're like, I hope you're not one of those people who use the vibrators all the time, things like that. I'm like, okay,

then I would be like, no, you know, and then I have sex without the vibrator. And I again, have learned over time to not have to have the vibrator. And I have a partner now who loves it. He absolutely loves it. He's like, how I feel pleasure is pleasure. It doesn't matter if he's just like on the side watching and is just like, this is hot, this is awesome. I'm watching you get off or if I'm incorporating it during sex. Wait, he was a fanboy by the way.

That's how they're like fanboy. Yeah, wait a minute. Yeah, wait a minute. Which I'm sorry to interrupt, but I had to share with the fanboy. He's looking like every episode at he's just been doing. He was us when we've been together for four years. He listened to help his marriage and then they got divorced.

Yeah. It's a 20 year relationship, 15 year marriage. And so he was already a fan and the way I met him was in a yoga studio and he's like, she's like, she's a sex and I thought it was because of my hair because I have noticeable hair. He's like, no, it's your voice. I've listened to your podcast and I was like, he's kind of, I wonder if he's single. He was just getting separated then.

So for plus years later, we are in a wonderful relationship. And I was like, this is awesome. He knows I have daddy issues. He knows I'm more subby. And I like a strong dominant person. And obviously he's interested in me because he feels like he can hold that space. Do you find that once guys use the toy, sometimes,

they're like, oh, I'm down. It's just a whole of the perceptions around it. Yeah, the process around it. And yet there are some people who are like, really you need that again. Like can we, you know, not, not use that? And so as someone who has now learned how to have orgasms without sex toys, the process before of needing a sex, because my first orgasm is from a vibrator. I had had sex with that four to five people at that time,

never had an orgasm, but a water dancer from vibratex no longer made. Kind of like a pocket rocket gave me my first orgasm. I squirted to and I was like, what is this? But I kind of already know what it is. And so for a while, that was like a big part of my life, that imprinting and the people that were pressuring about not needing, you shouldn't need this,

didn't help me learn how to orgasm the other way. That created pressure in my brain and headiness and having partners that were like, yeah, bring it out, that's great. Helped me to actually open up to be able to have orgasms in other ways. It's a little counterintuitive, doesn't make sense. But that pressure didn't work.

And I did this process before having the podcast, but my current partner really has helped me to embody that even more. However I wanna have pleasure, as long as it's consensual with him or whomever I'm engaging with is all good and beautiful. My partner busted out when I first met him, I used WeVib. And I was like, from a best partner, from who knows how many past partners. And I was like, I commend you for breaking out a sex toy.

And no shame. You know what? Like, I know the people that own that company, and I can get us plenty of new WeVibs. I don't need your gently used WeVib. Can you tell that in the garbage now? But that was the first. And I like these kinds of apps, like cool.

That's the thing. It's really nice. I don't know. And it wasn't clean either, probably. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's like a blonde pubic here. Like a blonde? No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, why is that?

I'm good, thank you. But like, yeah, it was just like that. Which of you? My thing was, so the magic wand, I had through partnerships past, but it's like my baby. Yeah. So I was like, is this my being hypocritical here? Because I'm using this wand that I've used with many partners

and he's trying to use this product. I don't know, I still have an answer. In your new book, Shameless Sacks, you hold chapter about how people identify what exactly they want in the bedroom. You have this fun example about cold weather haters. You're like, maybe you, hey, good weather. They're like, I'll never go to Alaska. So that's it.

And you like rule out everywhere cold. And so as a result of that, maybe you can kind of define on that, kind of help us. Because our partner might say, like, I want to tie you up with a butt plug. You're like, no, I'm out. I will never go to the land of tying up and butt plugs. But how can we learn to kind of expand? Like, why do you think it's so hard for people to identify

their needs and their wants? Like speaking for what you want can be scary in the bedroom, and people get ashamed about their fantasies or maybe they have been ashamed about sharing when they've shared in the past or they see something in porn, which we're not anti-porn. We always talk about how it's great for entertainment,

but not for education, but people see something and assume some sex is supposed to look a specific way, and then friends talk about something they did and why isn't my desire like this? And so it's an evolution, right? What you want or like one month or day might be totally different.

And you have, that's why communication is lubrication. That's your quote. Emily Morse. We do. We were like, Emily Morse, as she says, because it's so true. It's just a pain in the ass people. Like, well, how?

Right. How? It's like, okay, you have to first identify what feels good to you and identifying desire really does start with you, right? We talked about this in the beginning. And so that means having a self-pulsure practice, which people might be like, oh, that that's not too bad, but having a self-pulsure practice to really figure out what you're going to want, trying all these toys. Oh, maybe I do like a little bit of this or maybe I do want a little bit more of that. And if your partner's desires, if there's a desire discrepancy, okay, that's one thing,

but where could you meet in the middle? If you really want deep anal fisting and the other one wants a threesome or maybe something more chill, like they're like, I just want to be pampered, right? That could be a little bit challenging. So where can you meet in the middle and sometimes getting your yassis nose and maybe to identify your desires, I think, would be really helpful. I still struggle sometimes with communicating if someone asks my partner, and he's like, so what do you like? What do you want?

I'm like, too broad. Um, no, hold on, I like a sex toy. That I think can be confusing and scary and starts with you, you have to figure it out for yourself first. You can't expect a partner or person to really be a psychic or my reader to know when you want in the bedroom. And let's say I'm dating some psychics, look at you,

but yeah, it's a day one and that would get me out a little bit. And I'll add to the porn piece, while porn is not really great for education, we can use it as an education tool only to inspire us with things that we might want to try, but don't think they'll look like what you see in porn. You know, if three semis are like,

oh, it looks really hot. Don't think it's going to look like the porn three sem. I'm also listening to as many podcasts on sexuality with all different topics. Topics that you didn't think you'd be into. You know, I'm not into tantra, but I'm gonna listen to this tantra topic or I'm not into deep anal fissine,

but I'm still gonna listen to that to see what happens. And maybe it's not deep anal fissine that I'm into, but I'm learning to like anal play and I'm going to add that or I'm curious about it. So it's completely normal to not really know, we're not born like I know exactly what I want in the bedroom. And we're not exactly taught, unfortunately, how to explore our bodies and develop this from a young age, this whole curriculum within ourselves. So there, but there's just so many ways to be able to discover those.

And then you try and practice, but there's, there needs to be kind of, but not needs to. It's only if you want this for yourself, a willingness to try these things. So to go down that route, knowing that it's okay to try something and not like it, it's okay to have something that you think is hot and not actually want to do it. And yeah, and it can be revolutionary and change your life. And then just stay open to that constantly evolving and shifting and changing. And also admitting to yourself that you don't, or here's the things I'm insecure about. I only have orgasms from cultural stimulation, and I'm going to learn more about that.

The normalization of other ways that you can potentially have orgasms. So genitals are not the only way to have orgasms, but it just depends what you're into. So I think if people, when they are a hard no on something, maybe they had some trauma or they had some, that they haven't really addressed, and they're like, no, I absolutely, like that is hard for me to deal. Of course, if you have your hard nose, then stick to those,

but if you're a maybe. A soft no. And remember not to, yeah, and don't be like, ew, if your partner does share something with you, like that's disgusting, because that is a little bit of a shame that could start the shame pool with the ripples. So if you just say, I'm not into that, because I have so many girlfriends, personal girlfriends

are like, I will never do anal April. You talk about all the time in your show, I just won't. I was like, have you ever tried it? They're like, no. I was like, okay. I only. And I're like, no. I was like, okay. It's only. And I was like, why?

And then when you get to the layers, oh, well, after my kids, I had hemorrhoids. And I'm scared. I was like, okay, well, that's a different conversation. So then we interviewed a doctor that talked about how to have anal with hemorrhoids. And we were like, okay. For everything's like a workaround.

Like, in normalize that we don't have to know. We roll up to the sex conversation, thinking like, something's wrong with us because we don't know all these things. But we're saying it's a journey through everything we do and then just talking about it. And not yucking your partner's yum. Yeah. And then you get in this for so long

and you're still learning, right? No, I learn all the time. Don't change it. And then I think I learn, I'm like, oh, I don't actually want that anymore. Absolutely. Exactly. So when we figure out what we want in the next level,

like we're actually going to the scarier thing of saying it to our partner, here's what I want. In our book, we take knowledge of a wonderful educator's doctors, such as yourself, Dr. Emily Morse, and authors. And so this is not all just our ideas and thoughts. It's a lot of different formulas that we put together and thoughts and beliefs. And we created our own formulas for communicating about sex. And I won't go too deep into them. One is small asks and big asks and understanding the difference between the two, when and where to do them,

and how to communicate them. And then also something that we call the connect formula, which is an acronym for how to have what might feel like a more challenging or heavy conversation. Those are really powerful tools to have in your toolkit that you can access over and over again because it applies not just to sex and relationships, but also like we said, like business partners and friends. Don't you just have a hook up? So yes. And then you had to use the connect formula. So let me tell you why I opted out. Okay, so I met my partner and I are non-monogamous. And so I was just in Portugal without him. And I went on a dating app and you found this really hot sexy Portuguese man who's like six three and smoking hot.

And and we went on a date and I only had one night to see the him. And he spoke English very well. Like it was very, very, very, he's going to speak in English, but you know, Portuguese is his first language. I don't speak any Portuguese. And so we went on this day and he, you know, discover more about what I do.

And he asked me this conversation before we were even like being intimate, he said, what about those girls or women who like being spanked and told something? And I was like, oh, you're a bad, bad girl, dirty little slut. And he was like, yeah, I was like, oh, one of those people. But I don't want it all the time. I don't want to live that all the time.

Anyways, so that was kind of that conversation. And I was like, oh, I think it comes from daddy issues. And when I'm choosing to do that with partners and being a submissive role, it was kind of that conversation. And I was like, oh, I think it comes from daddy issues. And when I'm choosing to do that with partners, to be in a submissive role, it's kind of healing stuff where I didn't feel like emotion taken care of by my dad. And I know that this person is like showing up that way in this dominant energy. Anyways, so fast word to actually having sex.

Okay. Language barrier ish, but not too much, but just takes a lot more time. I talk fast, like all three of us. So we're being intimate, we're hooking up, and he's moving a little bit faster than I like, but I'm just gonna go and see what happens. This is why I did not apply the Connect form,

because I opted out, and he said, yeah, bitch. And I was like, so that didn't offend me. He's like, basically fucking me and says, yeah, bitch. And I was like, that is so not my word. My word is like, I just lost all my fluids right now. But it was just kind of funny to me. So I didn't laugh. I didn't want to shame him.

And I was like, okay, let's feel in this Amy. Do you really want to take five minutes to explain? So that's not really my word. It doesn't really land for me. What works for me more is like, good girl, bad girl, dirty little slug. Yeah, take it in, take it, big or take it all, things like that.

And that would take me maybe 20 minutes to explain. Yeah, he's that, he's just for slagwood. It might be like taking, yeah, Google translate would be like explode. So I thought I was like, we have a connect formula. It's so brilliant, it's so helpful. Fuck it, I don't even want to do it. So then I'm like, I'll just keep going with it. And then five minutes later, yeah, bitch.

And I was like, no, no, not shaming him again. Like that's what works for some people, right? Just not my jam. And so I was like, Oh my God, am I having compliance sex by not saying I'm a normal in my head. Yeah. And so I opted out of that again. I was like, you know what? This is just one. I was probably going to have one hour together after this. So yeah. So yeah. Yeah. Amy having sex where she feels like she has time and spaciousness to communicate us and the energy to the connect formula, fabulous to really go through these ways of saying things lovingly and clearly. And if you're into Yabitch, good for you, not much am.

But, yeah. Also, no one's perfect. Yeah. So, the connect formula is a formula for like thinking like, we could read it your book, right? Yeah. It's a formula for having conversations about what you're wanting. Like, difficult conversations are not sex.

And what, and what, your difficult might be different from someone else's difficult, right? Difficult might just be talking about talking about sex, right? I think when we're people, it's difficult. It's the normalize effect that most people have a really hard time just saying anything. Like, I wanna make out more. Yeah, so it's a design,

or a deep thing of a state. Yeah, seriously. It's designed to create this like safer way of communicating where people are less likely to get triggered, but things are actually being said in a loving, authentic way. And then you're learning how to negotiate and work together. And then what do you do with that after? So it's like giving you more confidence and tools to be able to navigate those really challenging spaces that come up again and again,

should you choose to actually discuss them? This uses a lot of nonviolent communication tools too. So it's because there's so many different tools like compiling those in a way that could be relevant to sex is also a thing. And sometimes like talking about what you actually want in a way that isn't shaming, like instead of saying, like you never do this, you know, Amy, you never do this. For me, it's like, no, okay, I'm feeling like I need more of this.

And I would love to have some more making out. Don't you find that most things is like, it's not that it's a sex problem, it's a communication problem. Yes. You can learn to say it and you learn to talk about it. Like you're probably all gonna be having all the sex you want, the anal fisting you want or the fantasies you want, if you know how to communicate it,

but that's where people are stuck. Yeah. I think it's also the framing of it's a problem. And sometimes it's a problem. Oftentimes you could also look at it as an opportunity or as something where we're okay or good, I wanna be great with you. It's a connected and we experience

and not just like, you know, we have a problem or you're the problem, it's something that you can expand beyond that. Again, if it's a problem, then you can really honor that. I love that though, because I grew up in the problem, it's something that you can expand beyond that. Again, if it's a problem, then you can really honor that. I love that, though, because I grew up in the Midwest, everybody's always, I'm fine, my mom, I'm fine, I'm fine. And I'm like, do you really just want to be fine in your relationship or do you want to have a great, amazing relationship? And I use my mom as an example, I love her so much, but sometimes I'm like, that is part of the problems in my world. That's why it's like taking these steps to listen to the podcast, read books

that can give you their tools to bring your sex life and your communication to the next level, to the level that you really want, that you desire, that you dream about, totally. You know, these couples are like, we never fight, they worry the fuck out of me. I know, I'm like a big danger ahead.

Like you should fight, like we're the fight of a lot of passion and a lot of that. Yeah, or argument or disagreement or it feels really heavy and scary and challenging and that's okay. Knowing how to navigate that being open to it, there's a lot more depth and richness that comes in sex and relationships as opposed to like, oh no, we're all good, just bare it under the rug. And like, competition. Also, one thing that comes up and I know it probably comes up, every relationship is different. Sure listeners, your listeners probably write in and one of their partners like things this way or they had

conversations that worked this way and now they're with someone new and the same tricks aren't working or the same conversations they can't get through and and so it's like everyone is changing and you can't apply the same methods to each human. Everybody's brain is different, everybody's experiences are different, which we've talked about already. And so it's about figuring out what works for each scenario. So that's something that I come back to again and again,

because I sometimes I'm like, why is my partner not doing what my own partner did? Right? So it's so weird. Yeah, it's a good way to think about it. It's like every time you have your wish someone said, new like you two are coming together to create a new experience and do relationship. Yes, you're bringing your past histories, but you can't make assumptions that they're going to want this.

So that's why we got to learn to communicate about it, right? I'm shamelessly taking a quick break for our sponsors, but don't worry. We will be right back. But real quick before I go, I want to share a safe solution for something a lot of penis owners do feel shameful about. Penis challenges. You know, you guys always tell me you got difficulty maintaining erections, you orgasm too quickly. While bathmate has a safe solution for retraining your penaltissues as well as the neural pathways that initiate erections.

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Yeah. Answer questions. This is from Meredith. Hey, Dr. Emily, I started listening to your podcast a couple of months ago. I just started Smart Sex. I love it so much. I love how you empathize in the beginning, throughout the book, that the brain is the biggest sex organ. And also, all the ways our brains can inhibit our pleasure without us realizing. My part of two and a half years and I often sex when we're apart, when one of us is traveling for work, etc. I'm used to sending in photos in lingerie, sexy, revealing photos. However, friends said to me that you would probably find it very sexy if I sent them a picture of my vagina.

I really would like to, but I'm not sure how to even go about it. I think that historically I haven't viewed my vagina as a sexy or beautiful part of my body, but I would like to. Do you have any tips for taking these photos such as good angles or ways to go about it? I thought you guys would be great to help here.

Thank you for writing, Meredith. First, I have to say is that that is a great way to find your vagina more beautiful and to feel more connected to it is to really give it love and take a lovingly, take a look at it, take a picture and just kind of feel more, yeah, present with yourself. And it probably would help you feel sexy right now that it always does.

But I haven't actually sat, I've looked at my vagina, but I've been satin' like done the photo things, but as much on my own. I didn't realize how different everybody's volas are because I've hooked up with a few women vola owners out there. And I just didn't realize that they're also different and beautiful because they're like genitals, right?

So they're all different. And I have like an outer labia scar from an act of sex accident when I was like 18. And that was so I like stitches. And so I had a scar and I was like scar-faced vulva leaf. So I was always really ashamed of what I looked like. And then slowly I think we had some vulva mapping done with Dolly Joseph. And that was on the show. And then, so I realized how important it was to love because it's part of you. So whatever your genitals look like,

taking pictures, yes. But what about creating fabulous art? Where it's like doing this, Amy, I had this idea to do stamps of our vulva, like not each one with our juices or anything. But have like a vulva. So I'm an Audi and Amy's an any meaning.

The Volvo. So our friend that's a doctor, she's a doctor of Chinese medicine. She was like, oh, you know, if you have an Audi, you're down to fuck. And if you're an any, that means you're like more complex like a Rubik's Cube.

And so so far that you're because it's a pleasant. And yes, she's like a Rubik's Cube. Amy, well, so we have a mutual friend. She is DTF. And I'm not as DTF, I take a lot more of the warm up and things, but we also do have a friend who's in any that I thought

just thought of who I won't say her name, and she's DTF, she's super DTF. So her theory is that her outer labia are so juicy and not just thick, and they're super sensitive, and she's something about that. She feels like she has super sensitive and she's like something about that. She feels like she has more nerve endings externally or something like that. And but she's also a penetration person too. She's got a nerve, nerve, nerve endings everywhere. But that would be a good time for her, this woman that just married it for her to just explore.

Because knowing that also are you in any or an Audi and then you can start to explore and then you could do a vulva stamp, right? I mean, I said vulva. So Amy was gone and she was out of wedding or something and we had this plan to do a vulva stamp, right? I mean, I used to follow a stamp. So Amy was gone and she was out of wedding or something and we had this plan to do these vulva stamps, but you need to work with something to mold the stamp, you know, with one stamp mold. So then I started looking at what I should do, so I painted my pussy blue in the midst of,

I was doing a conference online. This is but out like, Saran wrap or anything, right? No, I just did it on my pussy, so I had a blue pussy. It looked like I was banging a smur for something. And so I started just playing with different ways to look at it. And it looked like a big blob for a while there. But I wanted to catch some of the nuances.

Because I think that is beautiful. And for Meredith, you could, I don't think watercolors are safe. Look at different ways to mold it. You can even do a mold. You can make like your own at home like with, there's the clone of the pussy. Yeah, clone of the pussy.

Yeah, yes, yes. The only other heel on the side of the body is it's clone of pussy. Yeah, clone of willing clone of pussy. Clone of pussy, yeah. That's a good idea. And then you could just look at your vulva and look at all the, what is your outer lady a little?

What does your inner lady look like? Are you DTF? Are you in an idiot or an Audi? I have a feeling your partner would be much more stoked to receive that than a picture. Yeah. Right. Like, oh my god, this is actually a sex toy of your pussy.

To give them the mold. Yeah, the mold. And then, well, the clota pussy too, I think it hooks up to like a vibrating kind of, yeah, that's my advanced. Yeah. I can know that. Well, how about just tips for sending sexy photos? Lighting, softer lighting, more than anything.

Also, there is something to say in my opinion about a little bit of mystery where it's you, maybe you can put some lingerie on as she said, she has lingerie. You can wear some sexy underwear, maybe they're crotchless, they're still really sexy, get into a position on the bed or somewhere where it's not awkward, but also you can leave something to the imagination as well, like a peekaboo situation. I think that people over think it too, right? Especially when talking about taking a picture of your pussy, right, or your cock or something.

You know, the cock has to be super hard and the right angle and the pussy has to be, you look at it and you're not used to seeing your pussy. You're just like, oh my God, that's what it looks like. Or it looks like that today. Or look at that weird red dot right there that's, you know, what's going on? Or am I too much pubic here?

I'm gonna shave it off before I do the photo. And instead, like, if you're partners already seen your pussy, they've seen probably their various aspects that you have never seen. So for you to take a photo, like one thigh, I had is wearing a pair of what you did, I advise maybe sexy underwear, maybe they're not sexy. And you just pull them aside and take a shot of your pussy, like in action. And they can actually envision that their hands the one pulling the you know the underwear to the side like they're actually doing anything whereas if it's just your

gaping pussy which is wonderful they can create a lot of scenarios but if you're actually creating a scenario where they're like I'm a part of that that could be really fun and I actually did just try to take pictures of my pussy not easy to do like I said because we are we are still talking we make you do in a mirror or know I was doing like I tried the mirror too. Okay. The Vigelfi. What's that? A Vigelfi. A Vigelfi. The Vigelfi. That's brilliant. Trade my head. So I was doing Vigelfi. And what I found worked really well for me was I moved to a natural lighting.

So of course like facing out with the sun was coming in. But I was just trying all these different angles. And here's the thing we're talking about in ease and outies You know if you're in outie in Europe your pussy is actually more on like the front part of your pubic mouth Which is actually is how April's pussy is sub-scene it is beautiful everyone's glorious That would not be too hard to take a photo of yeah, and any like me that's tucked under like in between my legs is You gotta get all creative. But what I found was without just getting over the fact that it needed to look a certain way.

And so if I'm trying to get my pussy, I might get some ass in there too. If some of my thighs, I don't know. And just getting creative with all those pieces of how it could look. The bend over too. In the mirror, the bend over. That's suggestive.

That could be cool. Exactly. I think we're gonna have friends that take a picture of Regina. We appreciate that, but maybe over. That's suggestive. That could be cool. Exactly. I think when our friends have taken a picture of Regina, we appreciate that, but maybe it's more like just send them a sexy photo. Like it has to be your vagina in action or just, yeah, wearing lingerie. I said that it makes you feel sexy.

These are all great tips. Like the goals have to be your entire leg spread. But get your set. And also, I would get yourself in the mood. Like master bait, have a sash, have a solo sash. For a ticket flowing. For a ticket flowing. For tickets and shots while your mouth is really too.

That's hot too. Like your fingers are just baby down your pants and there's a little hint. You could film it. And you know, just for your own eyes, film yourself master baiting. And then you can take screenshots of little different, yeah, different slides.

That is a great idea too. I knew we'd come up with something. Do you remember Sharon Stone in that movie back with Michael Douglas and she was. Fatal attraction? No, no. Basic and single. Basic, basic, basic.

That's a good job. That movie, like it just look at some of the scenes and you could also be in full close and have like, your legs open, see a hint. And it was so hot. I still like think about that scene. And she commanded the room of all the fake, you know, the acting police officers.

Yeah. That was hot. Yeah. So really what we're saying is Meredith, get yourself into a state where you're feeling sexy around, turned on, take a look, have a mirror, use your camera, and like shoot something that makes you in a moment about the intensity, just like with a photo shoot or a vagina, but like where you're really feeling in your body. Because that's the intention, right? The intention anyway is to send them something so we're thinking of you. I love it. I love that too.

This is from Korean 39 in Chicago. Hey Dr. Emily, do you have any tips on how to call my new partner's general anxiety in bed? Sometimes he's very stuck in his head. He doesn't even seem to be aware of it. He's not uninterested per se, but it feels like he's rushing and going through the motion sometimes. I'm all about the whole sensory experience and drawing it out. I can't just tell him to relax and suggesting deep breathing or gentle caressing hasn't had much either. Any advice on words to use and how to convey them,

emotions can be so heightened in the moment would be so appreciated. Thank you. I love that you're both here because you know, this is something that we hear about a lot. Like how do we, you know, calm our partner? How do we have a conversation?

How does she tell him? I always suggest outside the bedroom, right? And she says, you know, emotions are heightened in the moment, that's why we should take it outside the bedroom. But like, he's not so into the like, let's breathe together, let's caress him really. It just sounds like he's not, you know, very embodied and present during sex. What is she's noticing it? Mm-hmm. One thing that comes to mind to me is the two lead by example or show someone what it is that you're desiring or liking and you but make it playful not like watch this so you can do

it right. Let's play a game or whatever in Kristen says that fun factor Kristen Tribi was she says like how can you make it erotic how can you make it sexy not like we have a problem right and so if it's something along the lines of I want to show you how to slowly caress my body or my arm or something along those lines Hey, would you like to play a game? How about we try and we say this on shamesex go slower than slow and slower than that How about we set a timer and we each play with touching each other for two minutes as Slow as possible and just see what happens which actually I learned exercise with you Emily where I've been in the somatic Oh my god somatic and it was an exercise that we had costumes, where I went in the somatic. That's what we told. Oh my God, somatic.

And it was an exercise that we went in. No one had costumes. No, no, no, no, that's, no, no, that picture. Oh, sure, no, no, no, no, it was that. It's a great photo. Yes, you. But what was it? Do you just remind me this in our somatic class?

It was an exercise where we were all pairing up. I got paired up with Emily. And it was to touch in a way that is present. So a present and mindful and erotic. And it's fully closed. So I'm touching Emily, like, you know, over her arms and things, and I'm like, I know how to touch with presents and mindfulness, like, I meditate, I got this, and I'm touching you,

and you had this look kinda like, mm-hmm, and one of the teachers, I think it was, so, uh, so Lester didn't, I'm gonna be, probably, she was like, how is that for you, Emily, like, not erotic? And I was like, oh, shit, I'm not, I'm not the class, yeah. Oh, no, and I was like oh shit I'm not the class. Oh no and I was like oh fuck okay So there's a difference between mindful and presence and erotic mindful and presence all is one and I actually

Learned a lot from it. It was of course like my heart was like I'm not doing it right and sexy But confused. Yeah, it's not a mind blow But my mind is fine but later on and throughout that in the remember, I started like, practice this and there were some other exercises that brought the eroticism online and then I could bring it outward. And so I'd say this was just like, being in your head about doing it right or expecting your partner to do it the perfectly right way.

Like get out of that whole mindset. It's okay to fuck up, it's okay to mess up. But if you're making it a game of like, how can we make this playful? Like, oh Emily said it's not a radical. Okay, let's make this playful? Like, oh, Emily said it's not radical. Okay, let's try this again. Like, ah, that's funny. It's attached to the moment.

It was that whole touching for my pleasure, touching for your pleasure thing. This one I think was my pleasure. I think it was trying to combine the presence with the radices in it. And that's at least what stands out to me. Because again, you can be like, oh yeah, I'm being mindful.

Let me touch your arm, but I'm not bringing like my, all right. Like, and I don't have to breathe like that. You don't have to be getting on with this person saying the breath isn't really a thing, but you're riding your partner, like, hey partner, I really like having, you know, maybe it's my,

the back of my neck and my shoulders touched. Let's play a game where for two minutes, maybe you can just touch it as slow as possible. And just try something, some tickling, some rubbing, some kneading, to see what happens and maybe I'll give you feedback and then we'll switch roles and I'll do it for you. I love that.

You can do it. Two minutes, I mean, two minutes to say, let's just try anything and then he can do wherever he wants. Again, I might not want to go slow and kissing. He might say, for two minutes, can you rub a head? Yeah, or like dry hump the shit out of me. Or something, yeah, whatever. Right, I know.

No one wants on the menu. I love that. Two minutes is not threatening. You can do anything for too long. It can be like a little bell that dings. From a heady person to a heady person, sometimes that might be a little scary too. I don't know if I'm touching right.

I get awkward with touching. I'm like, is that feel good? Okay, okay, what about first? The audio rhodica, you could turn that on in the background and be like, do you want to just drop in and listen to this? So you can both tap in and maybe you could be like, do you want to mimic what they're doing right now? And see if that you need some guidance to give you direction that can help you drop into the experience together without having to have him figure out his own way or what you like or the

two minutes. But those all are good things. I love that. I love the giving and receiving switching off. There's so many hot stories where you could buy up an erotica book and reach each other too if you're into that. However, you don't even feel like we just want to make it easy for people. So like if you like, listen to erotica for two minutes, set an alarm for two minutes, like we just,

we don't want this to be another hurdle. So we're trying to give like, Korean, hopefully some of these work for you to tell me when to like play some games. I would recommend that when you're already having sex, but you know, date night outside the bedroom before it starts getting going, but just like let's try to figure out what we both want.

And I think anxiety we know is a cause because you're in your head. He's probably in his head. He's worried about things. He's totally left his body. But when you play with each other, that's when you feel connected in your thoughts go away, your thoughts will start to leave your body, hopefully.

And be more present. This is from Lexi and she's 24. Hey,. Emily, I'm a 24-year-old bisexual female living in Canada. I'm currently in a relationship with a partner who I've been with for six years. We broke out for about a year. I moved across the country. During this time, I explored a lot with my sexuality and had a lot of amazing sex. This really boosted my confidence and I loved every minute of it. Now I've moved back home and we've rekindled the relationship with my ex. We get along great. Our relationship is healthy.

When I imagine my future, it's with him. Now here's the problem. I want to have sex with other people. I'm not interested in a poly relationship or threesome or anything, but I keep craving that feeling of when I was able to be free and flirty and have casual sex. I've suggested an open relationship and he doesn't like the idea. However, even if I was able to get him open to the idea of it, I think I would be too jealous once he finds someone else to have sex with.

I know this comes from a place of insecurity about how my body looks. I even get upset knowing he watches porn because I look nothing like the models. Sorry for long question, but basically, why do I want to have sex to other people, even in a healthy relationship, what to do about it? How can I be less jealous, insecure? We do open our relationship. Thanks for your time and creating an amazing podcast. I appreciate you. First, so she's saying, she's back together. This guy should have a great text with, but she misses the flirting. The same thing. You can't. You can't have after with someone for while you can do other things, but she's missing that and she wants to know if she could get that in open relationship

But then if she does open up she's gonna be terribly jealous of these having sex with someone else They're in lies that can under yeah that one D forever does sound scary though, right? Parties were like one D forever. I'm like, oh, yeah, I feel like I can totally resonate with this person as someone who is I'm like, ooh. Yeah. I feel like I can totally resonate with this person as someone who is currently practicing nominogamy with my partner. I feel the same way.

Like, my partner when I was in Portugal, he connected with someone and they had sex a couple times. It brings up feelings. And that's just a part of it. And I don't identify as a polyperson. I don't want to be poly. It sounds complicated for me. And like, I don't have time for that.

And if you're probably good for you, I'm very similar in that. And one is embracing the feelings of it's not always going to feel like sunshine and rainbows. Yes, when you go out and have sex with someone else, you might be like, woohoo. And it might not feel the way for your partner. They might have feelings and vice versa. And that is just a part of it. And so jealousy is completely normal, even at the most skilled poly people feel jealousy. And it's how do you work with it? What do you do? Are that what are your tools for communicating it to your partner for dealing with that anxiety or those feelings in your body

that might feel really challenging? How can you work with as a way that's not projecting? Like, this is your problem or your fault. Or you know, if you feel like something's really intense and you're in an open relationship and you have the arrangement where you can speak to it and then say, hey, let's press pause and tend to the relationship or to ourselves individually while we kind of like cool down from what felt really intense before we decided to continue to move forward. When you go into Nominogmi, you don't have to have all the boundaries and rules figured out right away. Have some, maybe, ideally, but they will change as you learn more and have more experiences,

feel more discomfort. Like, what is a hard-nower? Like, I'm going to panic and freak the fuck out. What feels like a stretch? Like, woo, edgy, feeling some feelings, but I can work with this. And what feels like, oh, this feels really good. And navigating it from that space. I have heard people like, I want to have sex with the people, but I don't want my partner to. Unless your partner's into that kind of, because that does exist. That is, that is the, because that does exist. That is a thing. That does happen, yeah.

But it's not very common or not as common. Learn to be comfortable with embracing jealousy and discomfort. Can we comfortable with discomfort? You can move through it. There's lessons in your jealousy, comfort you can learn a lot. You can go a little bit deeper with it.

You can kind of figure out what it is. But also I want to make sure that they have trust too. That's the other thing. If you're afraid that he's going to meet someone and bring me back to happen to you, though. You can fall in someone. too. That's the other thing. If you're afraid that he's going to meet someone and I have to do though, you can follow someone. That's the only thing that's not there without doing exactly relationships. Emily, did you get anything about them maybe doing sex parties or maybe exploring things

together? That's a good suggestion. And because in my twisted world, my stomach churns thinking about my partner being out there banging out with other chicks, I'd be like, oh wait, but if we do it together, that sounds safe for me. Because you're there because I'm there. He's not like in a number and leaving like, right? And you could still be jealousy.

Of course, jealousy can be hot, right? There's all of the obstacle plus desire, obstacle plus attraction. I was really bad at algebra too. So that, but that is something that if you're like, maybe that jealousy could turn into something sexy to be like, what was that like when you, you know, went down, but that could be a way to explore. And she'll get the butterflies because it's a new and temporary for that night. Yeah, meeting someone new at a sex party or play party. Or I mean, you might not even have to have sex with other people too. They can go and have sex with each other and do the exhibition as a boy or being around other energy. My pick that in itself feels hot or just flirting

with other people at a sex party or dancing with them or something like that. It could be like the swinging thing. If you wanted to be in that sort of environment too, I think there's a lot of outlets for that to do it in a way that's safe for both of you. The trust is huge and you're gonna have to talk about things after every time because otherwise,

that's when chicken explodes. And that's how you figure out what the boundaries are. Because you're like, okay, I liked all of it, except for the part when you grabbed or asked, because you always grabbed my ass that way, but then you grabbed her ass that way. Are you called her baby and you called me baby, you know, whatever.

Maybe just be for me, maybe. Yeah. Yeah, there's other words. Yeah, exactly. Let's leave baby for me. Yeah. You can call her bitch. Yeah, bitch, yeah, bitch.

Yeah, bitch. Yeah, bitch. I think that what you said with the trust and safety is really important. And the direction I went with my partner is we started monogamous. It had some shit happen there but there's no like cheating lying things like that but there was like more stuff of just I mean he was recently separate okay so we got a whole bunch of layers of that but then we went to monogamous like April's talking shared experiences so like a good next level I do like how you guys they'll come together

after also when you're conversation I'm asking her how she does this yeah and Because they yeah, well you because it's actually quite smart. Well, so we It's everything. Yeah, yeah, I don't I don't know everything everyone We're going from those like baby steps from monogamous to monogamous to now more non monogamous and having those separate experiences Whereas you know, maybe four years ago. You asked me. I don't know if I would feel that way But we developed this trust and safety, so here's one thing for me, and I want to say so, apply to everyone,

and don't take this as if you were the same wrongly if you don't feel this way with your partner. I feel, my partner and I think we mutually feel like, like we don't doubt in the other person being our person, right? I don't think my partner thinks there's another woman out there that's better than me for him, not that I'm better than everyone but for him and our alignment. I don't think my partner thinks there's another woman out there that's better than me for him. Not that I'm better than everyone but for him and our alignment.

I don't think that he, well, we're not perfect. I feel really safe and secure. It doesn't mean I won't feel jealousy, but when he gets intimate with someone else, I'm not like, but what if she's better than me because we have this safety, trust and this deep alignment bond. And because I trust him really deeply to be honest with me, to share with me, you know, and arrangement isn't just a free for all go do whatever you want, tell me later. And I'll say you don't talk about while it's happening. We know we know about it well like afterwards. Yeah, if I'm in Portugal, we're not talking about all the things.

We're connecting. We're not like so who you banging how was it? We wait till I get home and we share everything. And so we share those pieces there of like what do you want to know? We are respecting the boundaries ours are always using condoms for an Penetrative sex no slumber parties. It's a big helpful thing if you want to keep it casual No sleepover and no sleepovers. Yeah, and then no having sex with people that are like people you work with or that might like be around all the time there small town and so yeah But if you need to develop more, that's it. That's the same town as huge.

Yeah, exactly. Or, well, no, no, this, his was in the same town. Right. Yeah, his person, he was in town. That was my social circle. That was my social circle. And that was one of my things. I'm not banging her man while she's out of town.

But some people have to be, they want it in their social circle. It's different for everyone. So you, you do you, but if you're feeling unstable about the trust and safety with your partner, I would work on that far before going and being intimate with other people, feel like that is really secure,

then develop tools on how to repair and talk about these things, and then move forward. But don't try to move forward when you don't have those pieces. Yeah, I'm with you. That's my little danger side here, for if she's already feeling jealous, like this is not gonna help. So yeah, work on your jealousy,

or just work on your relationship right now and strengthening your trust and your bond and then seeing if you can kind of dabble and play party and stuff. I wanna go back to one thing that you said to clarify because I love the nuance of these different kinds of relationships. Amy, you were saying that, well, I don't wanna be pally,

so you would define as open. Yeah, I'd say nominogamous. I don't have time and energy for that, and it sounds like a lot to manage like having another partner and building a loving relationship with and a lot to manage having another partner I'm building, like a loving relationship with and my partner doing that too. And I'm like, I have a hard time just calling my mom sometimes. Okay.

So I definitely don't have space for that. But if you, if people feel like that's important to them where they do, you do you. Mine is just more based on having casual encounters with other people in a respectful loving way, but we're not going to continue to build it. We might see them again, but we're not trying to go into like boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever friend space we're friends, with benefits basically. Sometimes it's one time, sometimes it's multiple times. Thank you for clarifying. Okay, guys, that was fabulous. I love having you here. Okay, so we're going to get into where we can find you. First, we're going to ask you the five

quicky questions we ask all of our guests. But I know you guys got ready. Okay, you can answer one in time. Biggest turn on. Pussy massage. Words of affirmation. Biggest turn off. Shaming. Not what should be where should be my pussy. What makes good sex? Freedom. That okay everyone to see know if you go listen to that episode our first time in Emily's show that is on there you'll understand where that came from and it's not from very part. I'm just saying open-mindedness That's really what I was going for. Yeah, um, um, uh, oh, yeah, willingness to work together Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships. You are not broken. You are amazing Your pleasure is just as where the important is everyone else's pleasure

What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew but sex you are not broken You are incredible and amazing and you can have this ex life that you want, that you dream of. Your pleasure is just as worthy as the pleasure of everyone else that you're being intimate with. There's no hierarchy of pleasure. Love it. Thank you Amy, April, for being here.

Tell us how we will combine you, get your book, Shea, Must, Sex. See you, listen to your podcast, go, tell us everything. Comes out November 14th for So Excited. It's a Tuesday. Obviously, it's a see you next Tuesday. We drop a new episode wherever we're a podcast or listen and we drop a new episode every Tuesday

and the book will be everywhere. Books, our soul is actually available for pre-order right now. So if you're listening to this, pre-orders are super important. Emily, you know. Super important. Yeah, you know you're gonna want it, you're gonna get it, do it now. Click it.

And we have free gifts. You get free gifts when you do it. You do you're gonna want it. You're gonna get it do it now. Click it and we have free You get free gifts. You do it. You do it. We made it. We made this amazing Amy and I put together this Well the staff know that I don't know if they got it, but it's a little it's a workshop that teaches you how to spice up your sex life And it's free only exclusivity for folks that pre-order the book and it's beautifully shot and It's like three segments that give you tips on giving and receiving. And that's a little provocative. It's a little provocative. Yeah. We're really passionate about, obviously, our book that we wrote for two years, but about

spreading the word to people that don't have access or unaware that you can have shameless sex or as Emily has smart sex, the more we grow, the more shameless sex and sex positivity grows. And our book, we feel it really is the guide or book that we wish that we had when we were all ages and beyond. You know, I'm teenager to 20s to 30s to now 40s and I know I will continue. When I'm in my 50s, 1670s, I'll be road it so we already have it. But it's for anyone. Yeah, it's for anyone and everyone. And it's designed to be revisited again and again and again. So it's not just, you know, read it one time. Although you could do that, but here I have an issue or something.

It feels like a problem. So you access it and it's a choose your own adventure guide everyone. So I'm a choose your own pleasure path. Sorry, but someone to choose your own adventure books, not fictional though. If you've all dated myself, this is like the 20 year old's like,

what's that? Where you're like, you know, I'm reading a story. I'm still a pro classic. Yeah, like April, we'll use the example of the Abominals snowman. You're like, oh, the Abominals snowman. Do you want the Abominals snowman to jump off a bridge? Do you want the Bommel snowman to I know blast off to outer space? It's not your sex life, but you choose the outcome

that you want and you desire. So instead of as telling you that here's my issue, I can't orgasm during penetrative sex instead of saying here's what you do. It's what's the outcome you want. Do you want to learn how to communicate better? Do you want to discover your body? Etc. It's YZ and if you want this go to this page. If you want this read on to communicate better? Do you want to discover your body, et cetera, it's YZ? And if you want this, go to this page. If you want this read on, and so we're helping you to focus on where you want to go. And then we give you a lot of tools and ideas on how to get there.

And so maybe you clear that one, but then six months later, there's a new thing that pops up. So you access it again. And again, it's designed to be there for you whenever you need it. And it's fun and playful. And we're going to credit April to most of the humor, because she's fucking hilarious. I'm out of time.

It's so wonderful. It's so wonderful. It's so wonderful. Under rapid fire, I'm terrified. Yeah, I'm just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding.

I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding.

I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. so much. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily.

Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemle.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-8255739. A go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast.

Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. It is my joy to help you have more pleasure and better sex. It's why I launch shop with Emily so you can shop the products I talk about on this show. We're talking all my favorite vibes, loob, rings, strokeers, sleeves, couples toys, and so much more. But here's a deal. When you're on my text list, you know the moment and new

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