Sex With Emily - How to Initiate (If You Never Do)

Episode Date: April 25, 2023

There’s often someone who initiates the sex, and someone who says “yes” or “no.” These roles can work long-term, but what happens when sexual initiations become a problem? When you’re always hearing no, or when you always say no? On today’s show, I'm talking about sexual initiations and how to make this moment a better experience for all. When you’re the initiator, but want your partner to do it more often, how do you talk to them about it? We’ll also get into spontaneous vs. responsive desire, and as someone with responsive desire, I’ll share my routine for getting turned on for sex. Finally, when you and your partner are so busy that no one’s initiating, what’s the conversation you need to have? I advise a caller in this exact situation.Show Notes:The Future of Sex TechThe Sexiest Morning Routine EverPRE-ORDER MY NEW BOOK! Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureSMART SEX PRIZE PACK (submit your pre-order proof of purchase at the bottom of the page, be entered to win the prize pack and everyone that enters receives a copy of my new and improved Yes! No! Maybe? Guide)SmartMouthVUSH I Come First - Self-Connection Kit (Kit is 50% off, Save an additional 10% with the code EMILYICF)I Gave My Friend a Magic Wand Mini. Here’s Why.MagBreakthrough.com/SexWithEmily (code SexWithEmily10 for 10% off) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Typically, there's one person who initiates all the time, and eventually the partner who's initiating is like, okay, hello, let's take turns. And so, the partner who's not initiating typically is because they literally don't have experience doing it, and they really don't know how. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Amley, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. There's often someone who initiates the sex, and someone who says yes or no.

Now these roles can work long term, but what happens when sexual initiations become a problem? When you're always hearing no or when you always say no? Well, on today's show, I'm talking about sexual initiations and how to make this moment a better experience for all. When you're the initiator, but what your partner to do it more often, how do you talk to them about it? We'll also get into spontaneous versus responsive desire, and as someone with responsive desire, I'll share my routine for getting turned on for sex. Finally, when you and your partner are so busy

that no one's initiating, what's the conversation you need to have? I advise a caller in this exact situation. In touch with Emily for each episode, I want to start off by setting intention for the show and I encourage you to do the same. My intention is to empower you with sexual initiations, whether you're giving or receiving. If this is a tender spot for you, today's episode will give you some great ideas

for connection and help you change up the dynamic in a healthy way. Please rate reviews, sexual family wherever you listen to the show, my new articles, the future of sex tech and sexiest morning routine ever are up at sexwithemily.com. Check out my YouTube channel social media and TikTok. It's all at sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily or call my hotline 559 talk sex or 559 8255739.

Just include your name your age where you live and how you listen to this show and you can change your name or choose to remain anonymous. Before we get into the show, I'm coming out with a book. I cannot wait for you to read it. It's called Smart Sex, how to boost your sex IQ and own your pleasure. It's all about boosting your sexual intelligence. And this book is going to explain to you exactly how to do it. So if I've never talked about on the podcast before and it's coming out June 13th, I would love if you would pre-order the book right now, you can click the link in the show notes or go to sexwithemily.com. Lastly, this episode is brought to you by Smart Mouth.

As you'll hear me much than the episode, I just make sure my breath is nice and fresh. It's one of the key steps in my daily and pre-sex rituals. I've become obsessed with the Smart Mouth because it's a mouthwash that eliminates and brands bad breath for 24 hours with just two rinses a day. That's 12 times longer than leading brands. Listen, when I find something that I actually remember to do twice a day, I know that I have to tell

you about it. You can find smart mouth in the oral care aisle anywhere mouth washes sold or buy on Amazon today, and of course we will link it in our show notes. All right, this email is from Scott32 in Wisconsin. Hey, Dr. Emily, my question for you, other than having sex conversations with my significant other, what are some ways to help me and my significant other be more intimate with each other? We both have busy jobs, and recently it's affected how we are intimate with each other, or just have sex with each other because we can't. I always feel like I have to initiate it whenever they want to be intimate together.

I want her to express and see how sexy I know she is. Is this just communication between us? Is there something I can do to help her? So, I believe what you're saying here, Scott, is how do I get her to be more into sex and how to initiate sex is what I think you might hear. First off, you're said that you're having sex conversations with her. What you're really craving is intimacy. So I just want to say that is I love that you know that about yourself because I think ultimately if you look at it, that's what a lot of us crave. I mean, sure we want to have sex, we want to have the orgasm and have the feel-good hormones

because even just cuddling, I mean, oxytocin is the cuddle hormone and we get that when we are close to somebody. What you might need to do, and this goes for everybody, is that we have to be really specific when we make a request to our partner about something that we want, especially when it comes to intimacy and your sex life. And so maybe we want her to initiate more. Here's the thing about initiating. There is one partner that always initiates more

than the other. And the big thing I hear of me is how do I get my partner to initiate more, but just telling your partner, for example, you never initiate. I really wish you would initiate more rarely does that work. And what happens is that one part of becomes resentful because they're waiting like I told you to initiate. Remember that initiating sex is actually a skill and a habit. And if you don't have either one of those or

experience with it, it's not going to naturally occur to you. You might already be able to have a built-in mechanism that's like, well, this isn't a good time to initiate or, oh, I'll do it after dinner or I'll do it on Saturday and since it's something new, it's your edge, it might not happen. So I believe that in a relationship where you're talking about sex and you have good relationship in all these other areas, that your partner really does want to please you. And if they said yes, they'll do it, they likely want to. But remember that you need to paint a picture for them about what that looks like. So for example, Scott, if you want her to initiate more, you might just need to say to her,

you know what? I'd really love if you brought sex to the table. And here's what it looks like. This is where we have to give an example. So Scott, you might feel like, I can't but you doesn't know that, and doesn't mean she's never turned on. But listen, it's well documented that women have more of a responsive arousal, meaning we respond to stimuli, seeing something, maybe our partners are to touch us

or cartilage and then we get in the mood. But for men, it's more spontaneous, right? So you see your wife and you get an erection. Like it's literally a spontaneous external, you are turned on. But since it's different for women, it might take a little bit more explanation. So you could say to her, I would love it if you initiated. So the next time, give an example, after dinner, I'd love you to come over and start kissing my neck, the back of my neck and put your arms around me and do that thing that you do or initiate

making out with me or put on that something that makes you feel sexy. Let's play our playlist that we love. It could just be one thing like that that will signal to her. Oh, this is, this is going to signal to you that I'm trying to initiate sex. And then you got to roll with it. It might not be perfect. It might be clunky. What isn't when we're learning a new skill, right?

We're never just like excellent at it out of the gate and taking it from somebody who I had to learn it because I was always having partners initiate. I was like, this is something that I do not do and it wasn't because I didn't want sex. I just knew it was going to happen just and if it didn't happen sometimes after I'm with someone for them, like, okay, I'm like, okay, we just watched TV here. We did our thing. But I had to have a partner say to me, you never initiate. I was like, God, dammit. Am I that person? I also am not initiating in a relationship.

And this is my job to do everybody else to do it. And so I had to hear it. I was like, well, you know, first I'm like, I do. And I thought, oh, God, I really, I really haven't lately. And so I just bought about it. And even for me, it is my expertise. I had to think about it before I went to his house. Like, okay, I had all these things that I'd bought

that made me feel sexy. I had like this really beautiful, like black body suit that had lace on it. And I had this sat, and like I'd splurge on it to wear some time. And I never was in the mood or I'd forget. And I was like, okay, I'm gonna wear this body suit. I'm gonna bring over why I always did this, but like my favorite sex toy or something, whatever, whatever I had to try for work that week.

And I went there with the intention that I'm going to initiate this. I'm gonna make it happen. And so that's how I started doing it. I really just like walked in the door and I just didn't get distracted because that's another thing I would do. It would be like, oh, I'm hungry or we want to catch up about our day or let's even remember feeling like, okay, this is going to be a little bit new for me and it felt really empowering. And then I like doing it.

I was like, okay, I'm going to do this more. And so it feel no how. It's not that we don't know how. It's that we just, it's vulnerable. Perhaps we're afraid of feeling rejected. I remember this woman I met. She'd been married for 20 years. And she said, I never initiate. And I didn't realize why. And I was teaching in a workshop. And she said, it was something that you said, I realized that 20 years ago, when I first got together, my husband and I were newlyweds, she said, I went upstairs, and I came down in this beautiful underwear,

like panties and a bra and like garters, which if you've ever worn those, you don't just whip them up. You got, there's like an awkward clip in the back and in the front and then there's like a seam and you have to make sure that they don't look awkward because you can't be sexy if the seam is twisted. And they're never even,

I mean, we don't just like throw it on and feel sexy. It takes effort. So she's like, I did the whole thing and I put on my lingerie and I put on my best body oil and I walked down the stairs and he was sitting in the study and he looked at me and I came down and she's like, I've never ever put myself out there and he's looked at her and went back to his work.

Like he didn't see, he said, I'm still gonna finish up here. She felt he completely ignored her and she felt so broken from that moment and so vulnerable and so rejected, even though it was her husband, that she said for all these years, I never tried again, I never initiated again.

I mean, this is the thing about our habits and our behaviors, it just takes one thing. Like sometimes it's one rejection. It's somebody criticizing our body. Someone telling us we're not a good kisser or we're not good and bad, anything. Our criticizing our body and it just can hurt us so badly in the moment that we completely shut down.

We integrate that into our bodies. So that becomes part of our like, in a way, it's like a trauma response. I mean, for her, I would say that that was a trauma. It was an event that totally changed the rest of the course of the relationship. And she said that she was finally able to... I can't remember if she'd released it, listening to the podcast,

or she came to tell me about it, but she said, like she was able to now bring it up, and she felt like she... And he didn't remember. I think he didn't remember that moment. Because of course he wouldn't. I mean, he felt so bad. He was like, I...

If I had known, or I remember, he probably had a deadline for bad. He was like, I, if I had known or I remember, he probably had a deadline for work. He was stressed out, you know what it is. I've been there. I don't see what's happening when I'm at the computer and I'm caught up. And so, you know, what this points out is a lot of things, not only about initiating sex,

but that there could be something that happens in a moment, in a flash. And we feel vulnerable. We feel rejected, compromised. We do what we always did, right? Maybe we were criticized as a child. Criticized in high school, something happened, and we just, we either shut down.

You know, we retreat, we get anxious about it. And so if we don't feel safe, that we're in a relationship, we feel safe, you know, dealing with conflict and bringing it up to our partner, there's like a very fine line. There's like a moment there where you're like, I'm just going to take this. It's very familiar. I'm being ignored. I'm not being seen. And if I had her here, I would say to her that that's probably a familiar scenario. You know, maybe her dad came home from work. She felt very unseen or maybe she was always looked over for, you over for something in school, picked

last on the team. And as a result, that something can happen, that mimics that very early experience and we just do the same thing. And so the trick in a relationship and any kind of relationship, I mean, this could happen at work with a friend is that you, in that moment, where you realize that something's happening, and this is like a somatic experience, you can learn to kind of feel these things in your body sometimes, like this is my anxiety feeling.

This is my breath-quicketing. You can stop and say, oh, it's that thing. It's, I'm feeling comfortable. What is it? Oh, it's the way I just felt unseen. And then you could turn to your partner and say, you know, maybe it's not even in that moment. It could be the next day, but not to one years later. You say when you guys are in a, you know, my rules for communicating about things that are challenging

are the same across the board, timing, turf, and tone. You want to make sure that it's the right time. You're in the right place and you are doing it with the right tone and the right tone is always always always always leading with curiosity and calm and just sort of hey let's have a conversation about something you know. So I'm talking to you for a minute maybe you're going for a walk or you've just finished a good meal. You can say, you know, last night I came down the stairs and I was really excited because I had put on this thing that made me feel really sexy. I noticed you were your computer and you looked at me and the way you just turned back around it made me feel really unseen or like you didn't find me sexy anymore.

And imagine if she had set that to him, you know, you don't want to say you never look at me and you ignore me, but just when this happened, it made me feel blank. That is just communication 101. Now nobody can argue with your feelings. You can't say you didn't feel that, right? In the moment there, you know, he could say,

well, I don't remember that or I didn't see it. I mean, sure, I'm not saying they're all going to go, it's going to be an easy conversation, but what could happen after that? You know, you might have said, oh, wow, I didn't even see you, but you could feel bad. But that's just at least of your answer. He didn't think you didn't look sexy.

He didn't think you looked ridiculous because that was part of it. She's like, maybe I looked ridiculous, or I knew I gained weight, or if he wasn't attracted to me anymore, right? We go to there. We think, I'm being rejected for sex. My partner just rejected my advances.

And so therefore, I am not lovable. I'm not attractive. But he would say, oh babe, no, I would please. Like, maybe he would have said, I'm so sorry. Show me right now. I had that deadline. I was talking in my, you know, whatever. I had something going on.

And that's how you repair. Like that's when we talk about repair in a relationship and I believe that relationships are not actually about perfection and about getting along all the time. In fact, if you're in a relationship, you're like, we never fight. There's a problem. You never have conflict.

They're not about perfection, they're about repair. They're not about everything being great. They're about how do we repair when we get into a fight or an argument? How do we communicate? Like, how do we resolve conflict? Because that should be literally, if you don't have those skills right now, you don't have a repair and argument or talk about your feelings. That's where your focus should be. And once you learn, it's a skill, right? It's like it transfers to every other era of your life. It transfers to sex conversations, your work conversations everywhere.

So let's have these difficult conversations. So Scott, there's your answer. All right, don't go away because after the break I'm taking calls and walking you through my pre-sex ritual before initiating sex. Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! So now I know that if I ever want to initiate sex, I have to make sure that I'm in the head space for sex myself. So you know, when there's one partner that always initiates, they are usually the partner with more of a spontaneous desire. They feel desire through things in the environment. Maybe they instantly feel more roused and turned on. Maybe sex is a form of stress relief, so they find an incentive to be the one that initiates. But for the partners that initiate less often, including myself, as I said, we, people like us, have responsive desire.

And what that means is things need to be set in place a little bit more before I can feel the desire for sex. So then if you're the partner that initiates less often, I initiate less often, like I said, I got to work on it. Maybe this is you. We have more responsive desire, meaning that things need to be set in place a little bit more before you can feel the desire for sex. So the house needs to be clean. I have to feel more connected to my partner. Maybe we get a great conversation.

You know, I need to make sure the environment is set up for sex. These are like my hacks to get into the mood. Because if I just think I'm gonna all of a sudden remember to initiate sex, I'm gonna be ready to go. Like, I just think I'm gonna all of a sudden remember to initiate sex and you'll be ready to go. Like, I know that's not gonna happen, so I have to make sure that I have a ritual. I have to train myself to get into the mindset for sex so I can initiate. I no longer am just waiting for that to strike me, because I know that's something that's important.

Also in a relationship that we should all have to do some of the heavy lifting, if you will, right? So, I can't just say, well, my partner is going to always initiate, especially if they let me know that initiation was important to them, right? But I have to be honest, I'm not always in the mood for sex. If you're like, oh, you talk about it all day long, you must be, no, if anything, I'm like you, sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not, even a master chef, isn't always in the mood to make a meal, am I right? So we need to make sure that, you know, if I've scheduled sex, I see it in my calendar,

I have to have a pre-sex ritual as well to get my brain and body in the mood, right? It's psychological, it's emotional, it's mental, it's physical, I want to remind you that these are all the sex IQ pillars, which is why I talk about my book, that are going to help you. These are all the things you have to put into consideration to make sure that you're

moving for sex. So one of them is my pre-sex ritual. I always have to take a nice long shower. I myself, in my bathroom that's clean, I light some incense, I use my favorite soaps, I shave, I have a great lotions, I've actually really into body oils right now that smell good and then I just put some essential oils in them to make them smell even better. I always rinse with smart mouth. I'm obsessed with smart mouth. It's like a guarantee that my breath is going to feel nice and fresh.

And it's like one less thing to worry about. I do my hair. I always make sure that I wash my hair. Even sometimes I'm into this hole not wanting to wash my hair every day. But I just know if my hair is not clean for me personally That's an important factor. I'll be like starting to have sex and like I don't feel completely clean, right? These are things that you have to understand about yourself for some of them. Well, they're like, I don't care out my hair. I don't care by shower. I just know that I need clean sheets. Great. Then you know Everyone's got to figure out for themselves What's gonna work and put you in mood for sex.

Okay? Also, especially if it's been a while since I've initiated or had sex or for me that's a few days, I just make sure that one of the aspects of getting myself on board for sex is turning myself on, making sure that I'm around myself. And so that's why I love solo sex. I know I talk about this, I don't think I can talk about it enough. Even if it's early in the day or the week, I have it's happened to my own pleasure to feel sexual. Sex begets sex. So if I've had a stressful day and a busy day at work,

feeling central on my own, I know this for me, it makes me much more ready to have sex with my partner. And I recommend this to everyone, whether you're in a relationship or not. In fact, if you're dating right now too, I highly recommend adding masturbation to your pre-date ritual. You know, maybe after you take a shower or in the shower before you get dressed, touch yourself. But I start a toy.

Take your time, have an orgasm. Then you're going to feel much more connected to yourself by the time you head out to meet somebody. Sex is energy, right? So the more we learn to cultivate that energy within us and have an orgasm, have pleasure, the more we're going to be able to stoke that fire when we need it, that internal fire. You know, even if you're going out with your friends and you're like, I want to feel good and hot and single and just that mom town, do it. One of our sponsors, Vush, they really highlight the importance of exploring connection and intimacy

with yourself. And they have an I come first campaign that I wanted to tell you about. It's a 14 day challenge in which you focus on self love, both emotionally and physically, which is what we're talking about here. And believe me, self love and confidence are the hottest things to a partner. Right? We'll need it for ourselves too, whether at a first date, we've been married for 20 years. It's such a few struggle to make time for pleasure throughout the day.

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that's vushstimulation.com or just click the link in our show notes. So we're just going to play such an incredible part of my pre-sex routine, a great reminder that we just need to build time into our days that's about our own pleasure, not just about pleasing our partner. And if initiating sex is already difficult for you, and let's not forget, we're all afraid of rejection, maybe we feel less confident. We just have gotten to the habit of not being in the mood and maybe something happened one time. We're like, every time I initiate,

it doesn't go right for me. You know, it'll be 10 times harder for you to initiate if you're not in the mood for sex. So I hope sharing some of these pre-sex rituals helps you if you also struggle to initiate as I have in the past. So you got it. Let's get back to some calls.

Let's talk to Ali 31 in California. Hi, Ali. Hi, Emily. Thank you for thinking my call. Of course. What's going on? So I have been with my husband. We've been together.

We've married for over three and a half years, and we've been together from a six. And I love him. But he's very laid back. He's definitely not a person who gets suspended really easily or gets mad. I don't think I've ever seen a really yellowed a person. That's more me. I'm the loud one. I'm the one who gets for aggravated. In general, I'm just the one who makes more decisions, to make smooth. I'm pretty much for the pants most of the time, even in my business life, I'm a market manager for Los Angeles for my company. So I tell people what to do, if they want to go to the bedroom, I really just want to lay back and let him take the lead, but he never initiates. Okay.

I've tried opening up dialogues and saying, hey, I am 12, everything else, and I really want you to just even like come up, pull down my pants, like, you know, just let me know you want me or like, you know, and it's just, he's like, I'm just not that way. And like, I've tried and I just don't know if this is just out of the way about it anymore. Oh, Ali, I'm feeling fulfilled. Right, because you don't feel desired. You're like, I'm doing all the work 24-7, and I want you to do something.

So, well, Ellie, the first thing is you did what I suggest. This is a very common question actually, in the sense of typically there's one person who initiates all the time, and eventually the partner who's initiating is like, okay, hello, let's take turns. And so the partner who's not initiating, typically it's because they literally don't have experience

doing it, and they really don't know how. And if you think about it like learning a new skill, first off, there's a reason why your husband doesn't know how. It's because he has some kind of thing around taking initiative, right? You said that in all areas of his life, about taking the first step or, you know, who knows what it goes back to. It doesn't really matter, but it could be like fear of rejection or his mother was really dominating. You know, it could be like fear of rejection or his mother was really dominating.

It could be one time a woman said no to him and then he all of a sudden it became a pattern that he can initiate. So I guess the why or how it happened doesn't matter right now, but it's more like you sitting down and saying to him in a tone that's like, not can you just pull down my pants? All right, he can go down to me or do this thing.

It has to be when you're hanging out in a good place, having dinner and say, that's like not, can you just pull down my pants? I already ain't gonna go down to me or do this thing. It has to be when you're hanging out in a good place, having dinner and say, you know, I want to just talk to you about our sex life. And I realize I know I've brought this up before, but I just want to let you know why it's important to me. And like you have to do, it's like all about tone and timing and turf, to be honest.

But it's like, you know what? I know that I've told you this, but like it just makes me feel so desired by you. And then otherwise, I find myself not really being in the mood. And so maybe, you know, it's this tone, Ali, like when I come home, I'm from work, you could do this thing where I walk it and lay out the scenario for him.

Like I come in and I know this might be like, oh really Emily, I gotta lay it all out, but yeah, for him to get what you really want and to be like, do it on Monday and I want it to happen this way, but in a calming tone that's encouraging because he probably has some fear around doing it because why else wouldn't he be doing it?

And it's a little coaxing. He's really ever initiated or in the most awkward time. Like one time we were up by a river and he just, it was really public. I mean, he just dropped trial and he's like ever initiated are in the most awkward time like one time we were up by a river and he just it was really public I mean you just dropped out and he's like come on and I'm like no this is awkward it's another time it was a weird state that is mom's house the door has been our toddler is in the play can't go out I know like he's not the right time this is so interesting alley okay yeah well okay, you just found out something really interesting about your husband and this is why I think

it would be really cool for you guys to go to my website and Google search for the yes, no, maybe list because maybe you've had these conversations about what his core sources of arousal are and what yours are, like what really turns amount, it sounds like he might be into exhibitionism or something, like he would like to be watched or he'd like to be caught or

there's some element of risk or fear or something that turns them on. Well, that's the weird thing like sporting like so he loves sporting right that's his thing. It's not my thing, but I you know, I've entertained it for

him, but it's just the initiating thing and we'll talk about different arguments and we've been together a lot and we have a really good open communication. The thing is, I'll say something and I'll even say it nicely and then additional follow-through. Maybe it's setting up the scenario for him and saying, hey, I want this day to be nice about it and how I word it and setting it up for him so that it happens so that it's a plan and he might feel exactly right because you're the boss and then maybe your tone can

be a little bit like shit you know he doesn't even you don't mean it but maybe he feels shamed and overwhelmed by it and you might need to like write it out for him and then he could try it see the and then you got to reinforce after Like that was really hot the way you just turned the way you initiated Even if it wasn't perfect alley you have to just give him kudos We like thank you for trying that was hot and then I think it could become I think we can all learn if we want to learn If he wants to please you and he wants to be a good lover and a good husband I believe we can all change and all learn new skills So it really it's about changing your tactic.

Especially if he said he would like to learn and he just hasn't. So to me, you know your husband better, but it sounds like he might need a, of course, thanks, Ali. Let's have to Greg 25 in North Carolina. Hi, Greg. Thanks for calling. How you doing?

Hi, Emily. Hi. How can I help? Well, me and my my my better half aka my man friend had we had a relationship a while back and we've been friends since then and then we just got back together and we haven't had much of the the little dosy dough. You haven't had sex yet? In penetration. Let's do it. A little bit about. Yeah, we've been back together again for a few months,

but I want to say it's more of my fault. Oh, okay. Because I've been working a lot, because I'm in healthcare and I haven't had much time. I've just been tired. And I just need some guidance on. So you're at use some advice on how to get your dance on? Yes. Yes. How do you initiate a lot? Okay. Yeah.

Okay. Well, how often do you see your guy do you live together? Recently, every other weekend, but we work together. So we get lunch every every pretty much every day, but actually seeing each other physically outside of work, probably every other weekend, maybe one weekday, maybe two. So what happens now when you get together? Well, it's more of, I'm the person that will say, okay, we're gonna go out to dinner.

We're gonna have some sort of dinner that we're gonna hang out. We're gonna watch a movie. But then at the end of the night, it's more of like, because I'm more of a cuddler type of person. So he drags me out and he's like, you have a ticklefish. And I'm like, no, you're just ticklish, that's why. Okay. Well, do you, what do you, have you been in a relationship before that you felt turned

on and sexual? I have. It's a new thing for you. Okay. What if you? It's not really a new thing, but now that I'm in a different environment where I am not from, originally from a small town and that I moved to North Carolina. And I ended up breaking up with my ex.

Now I'm with somebody else and we know each other for a while. So you feel safe with him, but maybe it sounds like you're 25 years old, Greg, like maybe you're still exploring what feels good to you, what you're into. Maybe there's some pressure you're feeling. Like I'm not sure what's going on, but I you're still exploring. What feels good to you, what you're into. Maybe there's some pressure you're feeling. Like, I'm not sure what's going on, but I think we shouldn't, you know what I mean? I want to know more about, you know, it helps to look to the past or when you masturbate, what do you fantasize about or what's your hottest sexual moment that you could recall? What was happening in that moment?

What were you doing? Who is initiating? What position were you in? You know what I'm saying? Like, that will start to tell you what might be interesting to you now. Well, what's your fantasy? Fantasy, oh my goodness, we can write a book on that. Well, awesome, I love that you have them.

Okay, we're getting somewhere. But what do you, you know what I mean? What would get you going? I mean, it's one thing to be stressed with work and we all believe me. But then you might say, okay, well, I well i'm not gonna sex for three months i'm just gonna tell them and that that's your option to say i'm just gonna take it off the table but i feel like there's something else here which is why i'm

curious about your sexual history grad well not not fully taking it off the table it's just when when the time comes it's either i get out of work after like how many hours. Well, basically we're both out of work and I either just want to like I love cooking good meals and that is my solace when it comes to a relationship. I don't think you want to take it off the table. This is what I think, Greg. I feel maybe you shouldn't see him after work. Is there a day that you don't work?

Maybe if you're only seeing him once a week and every other weekend, can you do it on a night you're not working where you have a day, you can work out or you can feel prepared and you can make him a meal and feel more in your body. And then you know what's going to happen, but it feels like there's some pressure on

you right now. And you're just, you keep bringing up the work thing because that's how I was like, well, there's something else. Are you feeling insecure about your body right now? You know, there's so many things, but you just sound like you're tired and it becomes a chore. So I'm just trying to get some answers from you of how we can, I know you're trying to get answers from me, but I need to know from you, like what's happening

in between, like do you get there and you're in the mood and then you're not? Are you just never get in the mood? Does he do something that bothers you? Do you need something a precursor to sex? Recently we have been trying to go to the gym and that gets my blood flow going and it is absolutely phenomenal and perfect. We get that after work all the time. Great. That'll make a difference, Greg. That will work in dopamine rush.

That's really great. And doing the adrenaline when you work out together, that's great. I want to go back to your fantasies. I cut you off. You said you could write a book on your fantasies. Are there any that you could think about with him? Let me think about that really good. Let me think about that.

I'm just trying to help you here. I want to give you one thing to do, because your question is you're never in the mood, you're tired. I love that you're going to the gym, because once you get into new routine with him and you get to wash off the day and sweat at the gym, that I know I love working out with someone going on a hike.

Like, it turns me on to be with someone, and I'll go for a run. So that might do it, especially if you haven't been, you know, working out with him. So you're working out, what about setting the alarm earlier in the morning, morning sex, weekend sex, when you're not working? People have to work with...

When I'm not working. Okay, you're always working, but, you know, yeah, when you're not working. Okay, you're always working, but you know, yeah, when you're not working. So it's like every other weekend, it's basically like we're spending the entire weekend together. That's the main point is like I need the main work. I work pretty much 12 days a week every other week and then the weekend that I do get off is I'm spending the entire weekend and we basically hang out, go breakfast, lunch, dinner, I either cook or we go out and I you having sex on those weekends. Not since we've been back together now, but it's more of my perspective because I don't want to say that I'm a Christian child or anything, but I want to

respect him in the matter. Okay, okay, I think you have to have some talks with them because I want to tell you this Greg, I want you to have a talk with them if it's a religious thing, if you're making assumptions, like I just sounds like you need to, you don't have to solve this on your own, you can say to him, let's figure this out together. When they're you in the mood, when am I in the mood? I have a sense I shouldn't be initiating because that's not, against our religion, are you hold that as a place that's sacred? There just might be things you guys could break down together. Greg, it's a conversation, it's trying something new,

and that trying to solve it on your own. Thanks, Greg. Thanks for con. That's it for today's episode, see you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook,

and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559 825 5739. A go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to A-Cast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.

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