Sex With Emily - How To Keep the Honeymoon Vibes Alive

Episode Date: March 26, 2021

Ahh, the honeymoon phase. You know that euphoric period of time at the beginning of a relationship where your partner seems perfect and you can’t keep your hands off one another? Fast forward a few months (or sometimes years) and that initial spark begins to fade and those feel-good chemicals start to wear off. What then? Today, I share why the honeymoon phase is so intoxicating, why our feelings change over time, and how to strengthen your relationship so that it survives the initial fading of happy hormones.I answer your questions about what to do when your partner asks you to be in a threesome but it’s not your fantasy, how to communicate to your partner that their Instagram habits make you uncomfortable, and what to do when you feel like you have become more friends than lovers with your significant other.For even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I used to think when I stopped wanting to have sex with my partners frequently, well, the relationship is doomed, I should probably end this relationship. I didn't realize then that, you know, it takes work and we have to start communicating and really get to know each other. You're not going to ever get back to the honeymoon phase, but you have something deeper more intimate. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and

liberate the conversation around sex. Ah, the honeymoon phase. You know that you fork period, the beginning of the relationship, or you're having sex three times a day and everything seems perfect. Well, after a few months, the spark fades and then what do you do? Well, today, share why the honeymoon phase is so intoxicating, why our feelings might change over time, and most importantly, how to strengthen your relationship so that it survives the initial fading of happy hormones. I also answer your questions about what to do when your partner asks you to be more romantic,

how to communicate to your partner that their Instagram habits are making you uncomfortable, and what to do if you feel your fantasies are different from your partners. Intentions with Emily, for each episode, join me. Let's set an intention. and what to do if you feel your fantasies are different from your partners. Intentions with Emily for each episode join me. Let's set an intention. So when you're listening, think about what you want to get out of this episode.

How could it help you? My intention was to prepare you for the end of the blissful phase so you and your partner can flourish into the next stage of your relationship. Alright, announcement. I'm very excited that I'm doing a virtual live podcast on April 15. I figure it's tap day. At the end of that day, maybe you want to come

to my virtual show. It's at 6 o'clock Pacific, and you are all invited. It's going to be a blast. I'm going to give the audience a chance to determine what to talk about and even put a few people up to ask questions. It's a super cool platform. I'm really excited about it.

It's $10 to view the live podcast experience, or you can pay $100 and get a live one-on-one meet and greet with me, and I'll answer your question. You can get a video of our chat. To find more information, go to looptlive.com. That's L-O-O-P-E-D-Live.com and go to upcoming experiences and then just scroll down and I will see you all there. Alright, enjoy the show! Okay, let me share a little story with you that might inspire you to look at your relationship differently. I lived in San Francisco for 20 years and one of the requirements and

Suggestions when you first move there is you have to get an earthquake Preparedness kit the earthquake is coming. There'll be another one We don't know when and so just have a kit in your house have some water Make sure that you have a place to go that you have a plan that you have an earthquake plan and make sure that you have a place to go, that you have a plan, that you have an earthquake plan. And at first I was like, okay, I'll just go to my neighbors and I'm busy and is that really going to happen until there was an earthquake? No, it wasn't the earthquake, but it was bad. It was pretty, you know, it shook, it shook the ground.

And it wasn't until I felt that I thought, oh, this is serious, it could happen. And then I went about my business and I had the kid in my house. So how does this relate to you and your relationship? Well, it reminds me of a situation that happens in the majority of long-term relationships. And that is, one day you're gonna feel tremor in your relationship.

Maybe there'll be some aftershocks and you'll think, oh wow, it's here. The honeymoon phase has ended and now we have to figure out what to do. And so today, before I get into your questions, let's talk about this honeymoon phase and how you can prepare for the end of it because I promise you it's coming. So the honeymoon phase, so we're on the same page, is that temporary euphoric period in the relationship where everything feels perfect. We have more motivation,

we have a lot of energy, we can't stop kissing our partner and hugging our partner and they can do no wrong. They walk on water and you are so in love. It is the greatest thing that's ever happened to you. And the honeymoon phase has been studied a lot. It lasts about six months to two years on average. And here's what's really going on. When you're falling in love with somebody, it changes what happens in your brain and your body. Neurochemicals like dopamine

and oxytocin are flooding our brains. And they're also activating the same pleasure reward center. So what it looks like is the physical and psychological responses in our body of mine can feel a lot like we're on drugs. And they actually looked at the neurological responses to people on cocaine and people falling in love. And it was pretty much the same thing.

Like any great buzz or a great a high, it doesn't last forever. You're going to come down from it, but it's not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, I used to think, you know, I didn't really understand that this happened in every relationship. I thought when I stopped wanting to have sex with my partners frequently, well, the relationship is doomed, I should probably end this relationship. I didn't realize then that, oh, this is, you know, it takes work. We have to start communicating and really get to know each other.

And the relationship goes to another place. You're not going to ever get back to the honeymoon phase, but you have something deeper, more intimate, more connected, you know, with your life partner. And you feel safe and trusted. And there's so much beauty that happens in a, in a relationship when you're actually able to do the work and move past this elusive face. So I just want to tell you that there are some things you can do. Now I recommend that you start talking about your sex life, what turns you on, fantasies. You can check out our yes-no-maybe list, it gives you lots of suggestions, you can find that on our website at sexwithemily.com.

It gives you like about 100 sex acts and you can review it with your partner and see what you're both into. Because how great would it be if you already start having these conversations as soon as you start having sex with someone? Even though you think you don't need to because everything's amazing, at some point it's going to change. Having conversations about sex, even if it's awkward as a practice. And so I recommend you have them as soon as you can. But I get it. No one wants to have difficult conversations when everything feels amazing and we're riding in all these feel-good hormones. If you do find yourself, though, in a place where you're like,

why aren't we ripping each other's clothes off the second we walk in the door anymore? Try some relationship check-ins. Or even have a relationship contract. You know, in your-ins. You have a relationship contract. In your office, maybe you have a weekly meeting. Couples who have a weekly check-in or a monthly check-in that's a non-negotiable, where they check-in, what's important to us? Are we prioritizing our pleasure? Are we working on ourselves? Are we working on the relationship? What are our values? I love the idea of a relationship contract that you update every year or every five years. I mean, we do that in business all the time. So even

if you don't write it down, having frequent conversations about your values and what's important to you specifically your sex life can change the whole trajectory of your relationship for good. And if you want to know how to spice it up sexually, I'm going to get into that. I give a lot of advice on this show and we've got tons of great articles on our website about how to keep it interesting, how to connect. But I want you guys to remember is relationships take work. It's a joyful work, though. You get to work on something that's so important to you.

And with that work comes communication and trust and honesty. So I hope all of you get prepared, have these conversations, and I'm here for you along the way. Alright, let's get into your questions. If you have a question you want me to answer, you can email me feedback at sexwithemley.com or sexwithemley.com slash askemley. Just remember to include your name, your gender identity, location, age, and how you listen to the show. And totally cool if to include your name, your gender identity, location, age, and how you listen to the show. And totally cool if you change your name. Also, if you want to call into the show, just send us an email through sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily, fill out the form

and check the box that you'd like to be called. And then we'll set it up with you via email. Let's talk to Madison in Utah. Hi, Madison, how you doing? Hi, I'm doing good for you. Good. So I am dating this guy. We're dating for a couple months now. And what I'm really wondering is I was being newbie, which I probably shouldn't have been,

but that's just like my own insecurities. I was going through his Instagram, and I noticed that he was following like a bunch of new girls, like he just barely started following him them and like liking their sexy pictures. And I was wondering if I like, is that something I'm like being too jealous over or like well, yeah, this has come up a lot. This is like the new relationship dynamic with Instagram.

I've heard this from a lot of people who are saying like, what do I do about this? I am jealous. Why are they following people? And I know some women are like, that's not okay. That's not okay. Are you guys telling me this? How long have you been together? And are you in a committed relationship? And how old are you? So I'm 19 and we've been dating for like five months and he's actually my first like monogamous relationship. Oh, like that's never something I was willing to try. And he's actually my first like monogamous relationship. Oh, like that's never something I was willing to try. And he's like, no, come on. I only do monogamy, just give it a shot for me.

And so I have like cut off like all my partners. And so like it's just something new. And it's definitely like hard for me. Yeah, Madison, well, like, I'm so, that's such a great question. I would say that you have every right to feel jealous, but to also understand that this is new to you. You've never been into committed relationship and I think that it's like a whole new wave of emotions.

It's kind of confusing, you know? He says one thing. So I would just have a honest conversation with him and say, let's talk about our relationship and you can just make it casual. You don't have to be like angry jealous Madison because no one wants that girl coming out of them, right? And just say, hey, I want to revisit. It's been five months and, you know, my first monogamous relationship

and it's been interesting. I love telling what you love about it. Say, I love that we're together all the time or that we're having great sex. But I have to be honest that I look at your Instagram, you know, people do. And I notice that they're just following a lot of other women and liking their photos. And that makes this monogamy thing, which is new to me, feel unsafe. What does it feel like? You tell me. It just hurts for sure because I'm someone who I love my body and I love to take like pictures of myself. And he's always someone is like, no, I don't care for pictures. I'm someone who I love my body and I love to take like pictures of myself and he's always someone is like no I don't care for pictures I just want to see in person

and then he goes out of his way to follow these beautiful girls from where I'm from and like their sexy pictures so I'm just like where's those aligns like why do you not want my pictures but you go out of your way to like these other women's pictures. Well you can. What your way to like these other women six years. Well, you, what was his upbringing like? Did he grow up in an environment or a culture where it wasn't okay for women to be sexual or he wasn't, it wasn't okay for him to be sexual?

I think so. Whenever like something like comes on TV, it's like sexual, he will look away. Like he's one of those type of people. Well, that's his parents probably put their hands over their eyes or wouldn't let it, however his eyes and wouldn't let him watch. So it's, and is he also 19, Madison?

He is. I'm the one. So, you know, here's the thing, right? No, but here's the thing. When we are just kind of, you know, you're both at the age where you are figuring out who you are in a relationship, in a committed relationship, what's important to you, what values

are important to you. And so unfortunately, you're unfortunately, Madison, this is how we learn what's key to us, what's important, right? From experiencing things we don't want. I mean, a lot of what we know in life is what we don't want to happen. And you don't want to feel this way. You don't want to feel confusion about what it means that he's looking at other women on Instagram

and telling you one thing and you just want to understand. You could just even get curious. This is something I want you to remember, Madison, to be curious. As much as your jealous and maybe a little angry, you could just say, I don't know what to do with this information. It's sort of an antithesis to what I'm feeling

about us, such as we're getting closer and we're committed. But then I get a message from you. You don't want to see naked photos. I feel like when the topic of sex comes up, it's not comfortable for you. But then you're following all these sexy women and liking their photos. Can we talk more about that? Not even with a judgment. The best you could do is to not make a judgmental because it already is. He probably hasn't thought about it. And just know that this is new for both of you.

And this is how you learn how to be a great communicator in all your relationships, really. Here Woody says, and know that it's not a one time conversation that you might have to continue to talk about it. And maybe he'll be like, oh, yeah, I just do that when I'm bored at work. Oh gosh, if it bothers you, let me just delete them all, I get it. You'll see how he responds to it. Yeah, yeah. And I'm looking forward, I don't want him to go out

of his way to unfollow every single girl that he follows. As someone who I can admit that I have cheated in the past and I've gone out of my way to not tell my partner what I was doing and then seeing these red flags from someone else is just like that. Like what I would do when I was looking for attention from somebody. Yes, Madison. I have that picture of that girl to compare myself to. And it's just like the home.

Like I didn't need that. So Madison, I think that this is how you get vulnerable. And you say, let me tell you, this is such a good, Madison, such good information. I think what you say to him is, it's, I notice that you're following them. It's confusing to me because I have to be honest with you. I used to be a cheater. And you are acting the ways that I used to act. And since we're monogamous now, I'm not cheating.

And it's a trigger for me. So you could say, maybe I'm just projecting, maybe it's just me, but it brings stuff up for me about not feeling good, not feeling secure, not feeling like I know what's going on. Like I'm losing control, you know, just, just, and then just let him talk and see what he says. But Madison, you've every right to say that. Yeah. All right.

How do you feel about having a conversation? I'm sure you appreciate it. Of course, I'm here for you, Madison. It's a really good question. I'm going to take a quick break when I come back. I'm answering a question from Stephanie, who's wondering how she can reignite the romance with her boyfriend. Alright, this is from Stephanie 26 in New Jersey. My partner and I have been dating for almost a year.

I had a previous six year relationship and he had a small handful of sexual partners, but no real relationships before me. We are both in our late 20s. The first few months the sex was incredible and frequent. A few months into the relationship, our sex life slowed down a bit and we weren't having as much sex anymore. When we do have sex, he finishes much faster than before. We talked it through and he thinks it's just because we're past the honeymoon phase of

our sex life. I wish we had more sex, we still love each other. But I'd like to get back to the more romantic state of mind. But I don't want to push him to do something he's not into. We have an amazing happy relationship. How could I ignite that spark like we had in the beginning? Stephanie, here's the thing. Let me make this clear to everyone.

You're never going to go back to the exact same moment in time as it was in the beginning. You can't recreate what's going on without the chemicals and the hormones and that intense euphoria. But right now, I want you to start where you guys are at and see what you can work on going forward. It's really common that couples have these misspecial videos where one partner wants sex more often than the other, but the important thing is that you can communicate

within decide, well, what's the frequency of our sex life? What turns us both on? And when you said, how could I ignite that spark for him again? It's not about one person lighting a spark. It's about the two of you together lighting a spark. I love that to inspire all of you right now. There's always one person in the relationship trying to fix the sex life and trying to do something else. And well, I'm all for spot nating, trying new things. You both have to be on the same page as far as prioritizing your sex

life. Sounds like you're the one who's leading the charge here and you're trying to fix it and you're trying to bring the spark back, but really this much is take a conversation with him outside the bedroom and say, I want to talk about our intimate life and our sex life. And I realize we haven't had these conversations before because maybe you haven't. And say, this is what's important to me to connect sexually. You know, here's some of the most memorable times you've had sex, what works for you,

what do you fantasize about? So all the things I talk about on the show, I wouldn't try to make any like major changes here, make your decisions, but just have some frequent ongoing conversation. So you'll know Stephanie, after six years, if this relationship can go the distance and he's willing to work on it, or if he's not.

Better have these conversations sooner than later. Let's talk to Tom in North Carolina. Hi Tom. What is going on? Emily, I tell you what, I am so happy that I had a chance to call you. I have a beautiful wife and my next door neighbor is always over in the house and she mentioned the mayor that she and her husband was like sewing me and I met her in my life. She told me that was disgusting. She would never be with wife. She told me that was disgusting. She would never be with another woman. She thought that was absolutely disgusting and never mentioned again. But I worked from overnight to eight in the morning. So one night I got

six. I came home like two in the morning and looked through the window and she was between my neighbors' legs, female, going to town. But she told me that she thought it was disgusting. And made me question a little bit when I'm around, she's going to act like she's such a Christian and that show disgusting and she would never do something like that. What do you think about it? I'm going to hang up and listen to the radio. All right, Tom.

All right, Tom. Thanks. Lots on pack here. I mean, you wanna know why she would be doing that if she's such a good Christian. Because I think that there is a problem when we come and go religion and sex. I think that your wife probably never was in a place

where she felt safe to talk with anyone in her life about what her actual desires were. Because if you grew up in a religious home, in a religious culture, where you are never given time to think about your actual, who you're attracted to and what turned you on and what makes you feel good and to express it because in every turn before the age of 18, let's say she lived at home until she was 18, her wife. And maybe everyone around her was saying that too, like bisexuality is wrong or homosexuality is wrong or lesbian, I don't know what your wife is.

So that's probably why she didn't feel safe. Let's say I grew up in a very restrictive home. And I was so, no, you can't be gay, you can't be a, that is horrible. Then what am I gonna do? I am going to hate that I'm not able to live a life where I'm expressing my authentic self. And as a result of having to repress that my entire life, I'm going to marry a man.

I'm not saying your wife is a lesbian either. We're going to get back to that. But I'm going off on the religious thing first. What's going to happen over time is I'm going to be with my husband and I'm going to hate myself for having desires for women. And now I can't fulfill it. I'm going to start hating everybody else. I'm trying to think that everybody else is disgusting for living out their fantasies in a dream now I can't fulfill it. I'm gonna start hating everybody else. I'm gonna start thinking that everybody else

is disgusting for living out their fantasies in a dream because I couldn't do it. Now, I wanna know, did you approach her? Did you knock on the door? Did you come home? Did she tell you why? Did she express to you why she was doing that? We don't know because you hung up,

but that's probably why. And she wants to be able to be free sexually and try other things and experiment and mean you guys are in your 60s. Every relationship I believe has to evolve sexually. And I don't think that means cheating on the partner. She's cheating. That is wrong.

You have the same sex, different sex. You must be really hurt. That is a violation of your marriage contract of what you've committed to. And so I think that part is a problem for sure. And I think you have to dress it with her because these things don't go away. So if you haven't told her yet that you walked in on her, you have to. And so I think that part is a problem for sure. And I think you have to dress it with her because these things don't go away. So if you haven't told her yet that you walked in on her, you have to let her know that you saw that and it hurt you. And what it made you feel. I mean, I guess the goal is time. What do you want to accomplish? Because if you guys have been together and you've got a long term relationship, maybe there's a

way to repair this and you get to the bottom of it and find out maybe why she didn't feel safe telling you. And then see if you guys can move forward and have a healthy threesome. If you want to find out what actually is going on, my best advice for you is to not go into this hot and angry and like, oh, why did you do that? I walked in and say, you know, let's have a real talk about this. I really want to understand your sexual desires, what you want sexually, let me tell you about what I need sexually.

It really was confusing to me when I came home and I saw you with our neighbor and made me feel a whole bunch of different things I felt. I resented you because I've been asking you to you have a threesome with her. It made me feel like our trust is broken. It made me feel like I didn't really know you and I'm just curious. And he has to be curious. He can't be angry. Even though you might be,

just say, I just want to understand where you're coming from. Maybe you could tell me more about this. How do you get curious with your partner? We're not going to get anywhere from being angry. In the world that I hope to live in and the relationship that I'm in, and I wanted to continue to be in as a relationship where this stuff doesn't happen because you are so honest and authentic and outright about who you are, what you value sexually and what you're into and what turns you on, that there's no violation of trust. There's no surprises because everyone who goes into a relationship is fully explored.

Their sexuality, they know what they're into, or they're with a partner who is consented to constantly be checking in and evolving and growing, and maybe once a month you check in about your sex life, like you have prioritized your sex life. That's the world I want to live in where this stuff doesn't happen. Okay. Hi, Dr. Emily. I appreciate your work. I think it's so important.

I'm 24 in March, and I've been dating my girlfriend the same age for four years. We moved in together in June to a new city where we don't have any friends and kept to ourselves during the pandemic. The honeymoon phase is long gone and the beginning of moving in together we were having sex once every three weeks. More recently we have not had sex in two months. It's clear we both want more sex and have knowledge that our relationship feels more like a friendship than a romantic relationship. But neither one of us seem confident to initiate sex anymore. I'm not even sure if she finds me attractive.

I bought our bullet vibrator that she uses solo sometimes and likes it. The last time we tried being intimate together, we both acknowledged feeling more like best friends and we should try to spice it up. I'm sure it starts with the conversation outside the bedroom, but how do you think that should go? I'm starting to feel like I have one foot out the door in this relationship and I want to give it an honest shot before deciding this is what I want anymore. Our relationship takes up a lot of my head space and energy because she is someone I care

for deeply. Alright, you have been together for four years, you're 24 years old, it sounds like you're your first serious relationship and this this isn't an easy situation, especially living on top of each other the last year. You know, we get suffocated. We know what we need for desire needs to thrive. It's spontaneity and variety and novelty, and you haven't had any of that the last year.

A lot of us haven't. I appreciate that you want to take time to figure it out because you don't really care for this relationship. I would talk to her outside the bedroom and just say, you know, let's talk about our sex life. What feels good to you? Are there any fantasies you want to try? I mean, I love that you brought up the yes-no maybe list to her and that you want to try new things, but I'm going to say at 24 years old and you've been together for four years, I'm going to guess that she probably doesn't have the answers to those questions. She doesn't know what feels good.

She hasn't been with many other people. So exploring your sexuality is a process. It's a journey. And you're both at the very beginning of your journey. And so maybe you need time apart to figure out who you are as sexual beings or maybe you do start to figure it out together, but I think she might not know what turns her on. It takes masturbating, it takes talking,

it takes experimenting, and you sound like a really thoughtful, sensitive guy, which I love. And so I think that if you have a conversation with her outside the bedroom where you say, babe, I think about this all the time, and I really want to figure out how we can make this work. I've been feeling that we're just friends lately. I know that you've said the same thing. And then you just start to talk about it. What do you feel? This is what makes me feel.

And remember, it's not a one time conversation. You can continue to talk about it. And if you guys are both really honest and loving and you care about each other, you're gonna find a solution, whether it means that you stay in the relationship, or you go. All right, thanks for your email. We've got more calls and questions coming up.

I'm gonna talk to Jennifer. What things for partner might be a narcissist? All this and more after the break. What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do?

What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? All right, let's talk the Jennifer 44 in Texas. Hi, Jennifer. Hi, Emily. Hi.

Long story short, I've been in a relationship with someone who's 14 years older than me for seven and a half years. And it has been the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I had three kids. We moved in together when we were just together four months. We were both married at the same time when We moved in together when we were just together for four months. We were both married at the same time when we moved in together. But in the process of divorce quote unquote, my question is he has tendencies that leans towards narcissism.

And I didn't realize this up until about three years ago. And I started doing some research on it or whatever. But then he also has some tendencies that are opposite of what narcissists are. Like he doesn't say sorry alive but he can't be sorry and he really means it when he says it. And he is extremely generous. He has taken care of me and my kids since the day that he's met me. I mean everything and anything over the top, everything and anything. Does he do the gaslighting? Yes, but you know, we both told each other about our relationships with our ex-falses

that we both cheated on our exes and blah, blah, blah. Since I've been with him, I haven't even one day had the thought of cheating on him. And he says he has not cheated on me with another woman, but he has talked to other women, that kind of stuff. Is there ever a place where you can get therapy or help for somebody who doesn't seem to be a complete narcissist

i you know if they could if he commits to it like if he said if he says yeah i'm going to go to therapy and i'm going to go once a week and i'm going to stick this appointment and i'm going to listen to what the therapist says and i'm going to try to work on empathy and I'm going to try to work on rage or I'm going to try to work on moment by moment every day. I'm going to do the work. Then they can have an impact. They can change.

But let me tell you something. Being generous is not an opposite trait of narcissists. Some narcissists are very successful. They have a lot of money. They can do that. That's also a sense of control. So in a sense, he's controlling you with the money. So people only change if they want to change, Jennifer. So yeah. Do you think that can happen without going to therapy? No, no, absolutely not. How old is 58 years old? No. Do I think that after 58 years of being one way and one body, that one day he's going to

wake up and all of a sudden stop gaslighting and stop whatever else he's doing? No. Zero chance. Zero. Zero. I'm telling you, you've had ups and downs, highs and lows. And I'm not even saying just leave. I'm saying, will he go to therapy with you?

But it doesn't, doesn't look good. We've got a therapy a couple of times that they travel so much for work we've really had a breakthrough like a couple of weeks ago and i told him look i will not stay with you if you're going to even talk to other women besides your ex-wife because you have children with her i'm not i will not accept that period if I knew he were going to be completely

faithful to me I would deal with the other steps. No, there's no certainty here. Okay, and I mean what do you want right now Jennifer because I don't want to give up hope on him. That's why. Okay, well, he has to not want to give a hope on you. That one person can't save the relationship. You both need to save it. At least he has to want to. give a hope on you. That one person can't save the relationship. You both need to save it.

At least he has to want to. And he says he wants to. Well, then he has to go to therapy with you. He can zoom in if he's traveling. I see my therapist on Zoom. That's true. That's what you have to do. That's that is the kind of thing you need to do.

Working on it and seeing if he can change. So, you know, he has to want to put the effort in. But I'm going to tell you that people don't change much. It takes a lot of time. A lot of commitment. I know I've changed greatly since I've been with him. I am not the same person that I was when I first met him. Okay, that's good. Has he changed at all?

Yes, some, yes. All right. Well, I think it's just a matter of deciding what your values are, what's important to you, how you want to be treated, how he wants to be treated, and see if you're able to communicate, and that there's more highs and lows. You're right. That's very true. Yeah. Okay. Well, thank you so much for your help. I'm here for you. I got you. Thanks for calling. Mel 33 in New York writes, ever since

right before we got married, my husband started bringing up having a threesome as being a fantasy and something he wants to try. More than that, he has a desperate urge to fulfill. After hearing him out and weighing the options, I determined this is not something I'm comfortable with being a part of. He's dropped it, but brought it back up several times after that point. We always have a big discussion about it. I hear him out, what he's looking for, I consider it, and again, decide it's not something I'm into personally, but I understand his urge and desire, and I do not make him feel bad for wanting a threesome.

I offer other things to help spice things up for us. However, he makes you feel bad whether he wants to or not for not wanting it. He makes me feel like this makes me boring. Hmm, I have offered to do anything else, whatever he wants, dress up, role play, toys, anal, you name it. But we never get there because the conversation instead of being around what we can do instead and what we're both comfortable doing just arcs back to the threesome. He compares our relationship to that of others that he knows of who have threesome's often. He makes it seem like literally everyone has done it or is doing it and I'm the only one who isn't into it. I don't know what to do.

I feel like I'm trying and trying and I just want to be happy and I feel like because I don't want to have a threesome ultimately it will end our marriage. Am I wrong for not doing it? Should I just do it and try for him, even if I'm uncomfortable? I feel like one person will be resentful in either scenario, but him being resentful feels much more life altering.

I don't know what to do to have any advice. Wow, Mel. That's a lot. A lot's taken their mouth, but I'm gonna tell you this. First, I'm just gonna say this. I don't mean to use you. This is the poster child email for three subs. But this is what happens when you don't talk about your sex life before you get married.

Before you commit to someone for life, have a checklist. Talk about how many kids you want to have. If any, do we want to buy a home, rent a home? What religion are we going to practice? If we have kids, what religion are we we gonna raise them? How important is family? You know if my parents get sick I'm gonna want them to live with us with that be okay with you You know, I'm still gonna work with kids or I'm not gonna work with kids or you're gonna have to stay up I mean all the things and in there in those conversations you say how important is sex to you?

I've learned from listening to sex with Emily that in most relationships sex becomes a problem if they don't people don't talk about it and it's going to get stale and boring after a while. Are you somebody who has a growth mindset around sex? I mean, that's the person I'd want to walk down the aisle with. I'd be like, okay, and I'm not, I'm just trying to make a point here, but now let's go back to you. So your husband's been saying to you since right before you got married. So I guess he gave you out, but maybe the invitations were already in the mail. I get it. So many things came up for me and reading your email about him pressuring you and making you feel bad about not having a threesome. And one of them was at like, it's gaslighting. Like for him to say, everybody's doing it.

And you're wrong for not wanting a threesome. And all our friends are doing it. And he's not listening to you. So I'm wondering in what areas of your relationship is he also gaslighting. Is he also making you feel bad for now? Agreeing with him. People like that are very hard to deal with. I do not think Mel that if you have a threesome just to do it, it's going to feel better that your resentment is less than his resentment because it's not fair. He can't just declare that you should be comfortable and I'm assuming it's with two women.

I'm going to assume that he wants you to be with another woman. And if that's not your jam, that's not your jam. He cannot be forcing that upon you. It's dizzy while you be with another man. I mean, I'm going to assume it's a woman because usually how the three of them goes down. And I never recommend that couples should have a three of them unless both of you are on board. You know, maybe you have role-plated in your mind and you've talked about it and you've,

you know, if you were interested, but you're not. You've thought about it. And it's maybe, I don't know how long you've been married but I think that there's a lot more places for couples to go before they dive into a threesome. How is your sex life right now? Mellor, you satisfied. Mellor, you having orgasms or you having pleasure, are you getting your needs met? I mean, it sounds to me like the fact that you wrote me this email that the threesome request

might be getting louder and louder and louder and it's drowning out any of your needs. In fact, to me, this would be something that you could take to a therapist too, maybe a sex therapist to help you guys negotiate this because he 100% has to at least be on board with a yes-no maybe list or a night discussing a pleasure planner or like, let's talk about things so we can both get our needs met. Your needs are just important as his. You know, what I found is the more comfortable sex I have, the more connected to a partner, the more I feel like it's a mutually beneficial relationship.

I'm more open to things. I feel safer. I'd be willing to try or wanting to experiment more. I'm not saying you're ever going to want up a threesome, but perhaps if you felt that you were in a healthy place with him and Things were great and you guys were sexually connected see even if you wanted ever threesome now I would still be asking you how are you? What getting your needs met? Are you having orgasms? Are you having pleasure?

Sounds like your needs are being put on the back burner and his needs about wanting to have a threesome are Running the show. That doesn't feel great to me. So I think that what you have to do is outside the bedroom, this is one of those things you just say, babe, I want to talk to you about our sex life. I want to have adventures. I want to feel connected. I want to continue to grow and change and learn with you in this marriage.

And so can we take thre some off the table and start fresh? I want to start to build together create a sexual erotic life that we are both a part of, and him demanding that you acquiesce isn't going to fly. Alright, that's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review where you listen to podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this, they will too. Follow me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all at sex with Emily.

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