Sex With Emily - How to Know If You're Actually Having an Orgasm

Episode Date: December 2, 2025

EVERYONE who signs up wins a FREE toy or gift card!  ⁠⁠https://www.bboutique.co/vibe/emilymorse-podcast Sponsored by Je Joue https://www.jejoue.com/products/hera-flex-rabbit-vibrator?utm_source=SWE-HeraFLEXPODCAST&utm_medium=SWE-HeraFLEXPODCAST Join the SmartSX Membership : https://sexwithemily.com/smartsx Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. List & Other Sex With Emily Guides: https://sexwithemily.com/guides/ Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides. SHOP WITH EMILY!: https://bit.ly/3rNSNcZ (free shipping on orders over $99) Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website: https://sexwithemily.com/ Episode Description In this Sex with Emily episode, Dr. Emily breaks down what's really happening in your body during orgasm—and why you might not even know if you've had one. The physical signs that prove you're orgasming—even when there's no "explosive release" moment, and why your experience might look nothing like what you've been told to expect. That partner who goes full jackhammer the entire time: the exact conversation framework to redirect them without crushing their ego—and why most people need those fast strokes eventually, just not the whole damn time. A listener whose new partner believes orgasms damage your mental health and relationships—what this anti-climax philosophy gets right about connection, and what the science actually says about orgasms strengthening your bond. The guilt trap of needing fantasy to finish during oral: why your imagination became your default pathway to orgasm, and the five-senses technique that retrains your brain to stay present with your partner instead. How to find your G-area (because it's not a "spot"): the exact finger motion, positions, and toy shapes that actually work—and why this spongy tissue is just your internal clitoris showing up to the party. Plus: what squirting really is, why dry orgasms happen, and the neural pathway secret that means you can learn to orgasm in completely different ways than you do now. Timestamps: 0:00 - Introduction 2:25 - The Science of Orgasm: What Actually Happens in Your Body 4:28 - The Four Stages of Orgasm Explained 6:39 - Clitoral Orgasms: Understanding Your 12,000 Nerve Endings 10:33 - G-Area Orgasms: Finding Your Internal Pleasure Zone (Plus Mirror Technique) 14:26 - Squirting & Female Ejaculation: Separating Facts from Fiction 17:46 - Dry Orgasms & Semen Retention for Penis Owners 19:43 - Hands-Free Orgasms: Tantric Breathing & Orgasmic Meditation 22:42 - The Jackhammer Problem: Why Fast Penetration Doesn't Work for Most Vulva Owners 29:35 - Fantasy vs. Presence: How to Stay in the Moment During Sex

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You can see how it all starts together with a thought, a feeling that registers in your brain, that your brain's like, we got to get going, let's get this blood flowing, let's get the genitals on board, let's get the pelvic floor on board. You keep going, you keep moving through this process, then bam, you have an orgasm. I know I wish it was that easy, that simple, that linear all the time. and that's why we're here to help you problem solve. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, here to help you prioritize your pleasure

and liberate the conversation around sex. Today, we're diving into something I get asked about constantly. Why do some orgasms feel completely different from others? And more importantly, how do you have more of the really good ones? I'm breaking down the science behind clitoral, vaginal, blended, and even those elusive full-body orgasms that leave you, you absolutely wrecked in the best way possible. We're talking about what's actually happening in your body during each type.

Why penetration alone isn't doing it for most vulva owners and the techniques that can completely transform your experience, whether you're chasing new experiences or just trying to figure out what all the fuss is about. This one's going to open up a whole new world of pleasure. Let's dive in, shall we? You all ask me so many. questions about orgasms, from how to have one, maybe why you can't have one, how to have multiple orgasms, where did your orgasms go, you used to have them more frequently, and now you

don't. And then one question that's really common is, how do I know if I've actually had an orgasm? So this is an email from Taylor 23 in Texas and she says, hey, Dr. Emily, how do I know if I'm having an orgasm? I started using an external vibrator and I was obsessed. The only issue is, I don't think I've ever had an orgasm, so I don't know if what I experience is an orgasm or just a lot of pleasure. I often hear of some release people have. But what I experience is a lot of intense pleasure where my body cramps up, there's no release, so I feel like I may be stuck in the climax right before an orgasm and can't

seem to get past that point. Any help? And to answer this question, I thought it would be helpful to break down exactly what happens in your body when you have an orgasm. orgasm. So you can be the expert of your own body once you know the facts. So let's get started. Orgasms are rhythmic contractions in the genitals and the pelvic floor muscles. They work together following the height of sexual arousal. So you get aroused and you have an orgasm and the rhythmic contractions. Think of it like a really pleasurable muscle spasm. You know when

you get a muscle spasm? Well, an orgasm is a muscle spasm that feels amazing. So to have a have an orgasm, your nerve endings, your blood flow, your pelvic floor muscles, and your brain are all working together as a team. They're all part of this orgasm. So when your nerve endings register pleasurable sensations in your sex organs, they prompt your brain to send more blood to your genitals. So let's say you start to make out with your partner. You'll start to feel maybe the nerve endings on your body, on your lips. Maybe the way your partner is touching your neck, you're like, oh, that's pleasurable. So when you start to experience a pleasurable sensation, your brain's going, oh, pleasure, pleasure,

I'm going to send blood to the genitals. So that's how they work together. So then this increased blood flow is going to now increase the sensitivity of your nerve endings. So while it already felt good when your partner was kissing your neck, now you've got the blood pumping to your genitals and everyone's working together. And then you're going to notice with this blood flow, it's also going to cause your genitals to swell and grow in size. And yes, this is true for all genitals.

We know the penis gets erect, tail as old as time. But the clitoris also gets erect. And the pelvic floor muscles engage with blood. Now, if this arousal is sustained, you continue making out, you continue touching, you're feeling really aroused. Well, these muscles give the way to the muscular contractions of orgasm. Everyone's playing together like a symphony, right? You got your nerve endings feel good, your blood flow, your pelvic floor muscles,

in your brain. They're all working together. So we get really aroused and sustain, and then, bam, you have an orgasm. So that's how it all happens. But let me also tell you about the four stages of orgasm. Orgasms for some are not as linear, but here is what can generally be agreed upon as the four stages. The first one is is desire. You're thinking about having sex with somebody. Your partner walks into the room and you get really turned on. Someone touches you and then you have to respond to that touch. And that's desire. Now this starts in the brain and begin. ends the arousal process we just discussed. Increase blood flow to the genitals and nipples become erect.

Your breath quickens. The blood flushes to the surface of the skin. Maybe your cheeks get rosy. Your chest gets a little bit red. Making it all more sensitive. That's stage one. Stage two is the plateau stage. So the blood's continuing to flow.

Your tissues are erect and lubricated. You're feeling good. You're getting turned on. It's getting more and more intense. You're feeling good. You're feeling like building, building. Maybe you're going to have an orgasm and then stage three, bam. you have an orgasm. Now, this is the concentration of the blood flow to the genitals. This is when

your muscles are contracting, you have a rush of hormones at the same time, and this is when penis owners and some vulva owners ejaculate. If you can see that, you can see how it all starts together with a thought, a feeling that registers in your brain, that your brain's like, we got to get going, let's get this blood flowing, let's get the genitals on board, let's get the pelvic floor on board. You keep going, you keep moving through this process, then bam, you have an orgasm. I know I wish it was that easy, that simple, that linear all the time. And that's why we're here to help you problem solved. But I just want you to understand the steps.

Stage four is post-orgasm. So you had the orgasm, then your blood's like, okay, I did my job. I'm going to go take a nap. I'm going to flow away from the genitals. My breath is going to slow. It's going to deepen. Then we have a rush of those feel-good hormones come in, like oxytocin, which is the bonding hormone or the cuddle hormone, estrogen, the endorphins are spiking, the dopamine,

serotonins, happy hormones, prolactin, these are all the hormones that are spiked and sparked and ready to sort of flow and make us feel good after orgasm. And hence that starts that feedback loop of why we want more orgasms and more orgasms because that feels good. Everything in our body feels good after an orgasm. So that's what's happening in general during orgasms. So you know the facts now, you know what's up from a physiological level. So let's get into the specific type of orgasms. Let's start with the clitoral orgasm. The clitoral orgasm, if you have a vulva, you likely have a clitoris. And you know that the clitoris, if you've been listening, paying attention,

it's more than that little pleasure button that we can see externally on top of the labia. The clitoris actually extends deep below the surface and it has 12,000 nerve endings. In contrast, the circumcised penis has 4,000 nerve endings. So the clitoris, yes, it's that little bud, but the 12,000 nerve endings all, happen, a lot of the clitoral nerve endings are internal because the clitoris extends into the vaginal canal, the urethra, the labia. So this means that the clitoris can be stimulated from both the inside and the outside. Now, the outside a lot of us are familiar with. If we have a vulva or we're friends with vulvas, we know that we can stimulate it externally through oral sex or stimulation with

fingers or a toy. That's kind of what we know. That's our base level of the clitoris. But there's also indirect stimulation of the clitoris. You can stimulate indirectly by holding a vibrator on your pubic mound, which is the area which may or may not have pubic hair above your vaginal opening. That's a great way to apply indirect pressure. You could also stimulate the labia. When you're stroking the labia, you're stroking the clitoral legs that we just spoke about that are internal. So there's a lot of different ways to stroke your clitoral nerve endings. And atoplay can also stimulate the clitoral legs. Because when you're being penetrated anally, you're applying pressure to that thin membrane that separates the anus

and the vagina. And since the clitoral legs are vast and they have so many nerve endings in them, when you have something stimulating you through the anus, you just might stroke up on those legs of the clitoris and pleasure will happen. But this takes practice and fun exploration. But we've all got these nerve endings and I just want everyone to learn how to play them. It's almost like an instrument. We're all given these nerve endings. And for many vulva owners, we know how to have a clitoral orgasm because that's the most accessible or maybe we had it accidentally like, you know, riding a horse or stroking it as a kid or doing something that we're like, this is easy. But it takes a little bit more work and more consciousness. But I promise you, you have these nerve

endings waiting for you to discover them. Once your brain registers clitoral stimulation as pleasurable, like we talked about, your brain's on board saying that feels good, all these ways you're stimulating these nerve endings. It's going to send blood flow to the region and then that's when you're going to have the orgasm. Then we have penile orgasms, the penis. Okay. Now, this is just the classic type of orgasm for most penises. You've seen it happen. It's penis erect. Ejaculation happens. There's an orgasm. But here's what's happening. The penile orgasm is primarily going to be a result from the stimulation of the head of the penis, the shaft of the penis, and the frenulum and the foreskin of the penis if the foreskin is present. The frenulum

is that underside of the penis where the tip meets the shaft, where if you don't have foreskin, it's where the foreskin was removed and that area, the frenulum or your new BFF, is where a lot of the magic happens if you have a penis. So after the first two stages of orgasm that we discussed, you'll start to feel this seminal fluid, which helps bring semen out of the body and you'll feel it start to build up at the base of the penis. And then once you continue through the arousal process, the fluid is then pushed out of the urethra, that's the little hole at the tip of your penis, through the pelvic floor and penile muscle contractions.

And this creates an orgasm and ejaculation. Voila. Okay, let's get into the G-area orgasms. I think these are the questions I get asked the most. from Volvo owners and penis owners who play with Volvo owners. They want to know what's up with the internal orgasm. It's been called many different things. It's also been accused of not existing, but I'm here to tell you that it does. All Volvo owners have G areas. And I like to call it a G area versus a G spot because when you think of a spot that can be harder to find, you're like, I don't have the

spot. But if I can tell you that it's a general area, you'll probably be more likely to find it and know that it is there and you've got it. Now the G area sits just below your skin glands internally about two inches up the vaginal wall. So this is only about a knuckle deep. Okay? Like I want you to hear that. It's not back into your vagina. It's not like deep up towards your stomach. We're talking to knuckle deep. Now for some vulva owners, this area might feel rough or rigid like a walnut. For others, it can feel soft and pillowy. And let me remind you here. here that the reason why penetrative sex does not work for many vulva owners is because the penis is going back deep into the vagina and you're missing this magic at the front of the vagina where

all these nerve endings are concentrated. Not that you can't have A spots and other kinds of orgasms in the back, but I'm just talking about the G area. Now, the cool thing is you can see your G area in the mirror. Just use a hand mirror. Spread your legs. Look at your vulva. It helps to be already aroused and turn it on. Stroke your clitoris, stroke your area to start to get aroused. You know, it's all about the blood flow and getting that going. And that's why for many, many vulva owners, it helps to have a clitoral orgasm first. Because once you have a clitoral orgasm, your body's already on board. It knows that you're in pleasure mode. It's got the blood flowing. So everything's swollen a little bit. And it's a lot easier, again, to find all these areas. So if you've got this mirror in your hand and you look at

your vulva, part your labia with your fingers, so stick your fingers inside, part the labia, and bear down with your pelvic floor muscles, that like bear down motion where you're like plying pressure. Then that flesh expanding into view with little ridges coming down as you're looking, that's your G area. That's it. You can see it right there. So that's again why vaginal intercourse with the penis is not the most effective way to stimulate that area. Well, it might feel good, it's not going to give you the screaming orgasms. And if you've never had one before, you've never had this internal kind of orgasm, just explore it during solo sex.

I mean, now that I've given you a roadmap here, aren't you curious? Like, I don't know about you, but doesn't make you want to go home and like pull part your legs and look and see if you could see it? I almost feel like you should stop this right now and do it and then come back. It is there. Just take a look. Might be your first time. Once you found it, you see it.

try inserting a finger or two or use a toy and you can stroke the G area, think of it like a cum-hither motion, a cum-hear motion if you're waving someone to come over with your fingers. Now be patient because this kind of orgasm does require continuous slower stimulation. Maybe like I said, get aroused, have that clitoral orgasm first because the clitoral orgasm is going to bring the blood flow to the G area, make it a lot easier for you to have another orgasm. And also, understanding this cycle of clitoris to G area is going to help you have more multiple orgasms, which is really possible and probable for the majority of people with a vulva because we can do that.

That's the way we're built. We just don't often know the sequence and how to make it happen. So that's why we're breaking it down for you today into these specifics. All right, let's get into squirting. Because if we're talking about G area orgasms, we have to talk about squirting. a.k.a. female ejaculation. Now, squirting has become a really popular sex goal in recent years. And I'm just going to say, this is pornography. People weren't asking 20 years ago about squirting as much as they are now when porn is ubiquitous and squirting just seems cool and people all want to

squirt. But not every Volvo owner wants to squirt. So don't be pressured into figuring this path out. But if you do want to, you want to figure it out, most Volvo owners can learn to ejaculate even if they never have before. That's the thing with sex. There's a lot of things that haven't happened yet, but for some reason we ascribe it to, I can't, or I never will, or I'll never be able to have multiple orgasm, or I'll never be able to squirt, I'll never, never, never, never, just because we haven't yet. And I understand that because I used to believe that the fact that I hadn't had different kinds of orgasms, but I had a lot of sex, I'd had a lot of penetrative sex, I made the blanket assumption that I would never have any other kinds of orgasms.

I wouldn't be able to orgasm during penetration and I would only have these clitor orgasms because I did the math. I was like, well, I've been with penises and it didn't happen so something's probably wrong with me. So that's why I can't encourage you all enough to go on your own pleasure journey of exploration because I promise you where you are at today sexually with your sex life and with your orgasms is not the place that you're going to stay. you have to take time and effort, really, into understanding your pleasure. Back to ejaculation.

Remember those skeens glands, I said, or just above the G area? And you're like, what's a skeins gland? Well, their main job is to secrete fluid into the urethra to keep it lubricated. So that's what they do when you get aroused. They're going to take fluid and keep it lubricated. But during orgasmic muscle contractions, the fluid can also expel out. And voila, that is squirting. Now, this also takes practice.

Might feel like you have to pee, but when the fluid comes out, it is a pleasurable surprise, can feel like a very thrilling release as well. And it has traces of urine in it. This has been a huge debate. I just got to cover the pee debate. The pee thing. People are like, oh, it's pee and I don't want to do it or I do want to. I say who the hell cares? Throw a blanket down and just experience a sensation.

But when you feel like you have to start to pee, you can take the fingers or the toy or the penis out of your vagina. to clear the pathway for the ejaculate. And then you just bear down with your belly and pelvic floor muscles. So one important thing to note is that you can orgasm without squirting. And you can't squirt without having an orgasm. And in fact, this whole hype around squirting, which is fine and good and a fun party trick, for many, many Volvo owners, it has nothing to do with orgasm. It just can feel like a release.

It can feel cool. It's something different. but it's not synonymous necessarily with the most incredible orgasm of your life happened because you squirt it. That's just not related. But I want to give you the facts here. Okay. And just remember, sex is messy.

Embrace that. Once you embrace that, you'll have so much less stress and anxiety and shame in the bedroom. You're like, I got it. Sex is hot and fun and sticky and messy and that's all part of it. Okay, let's talk about dry orgasms. This is another really popular fantasy in recent years. and that's when the penis owners have an orgasm without ejaculating. So there's a few reasons why this can happen.

It can happen after a penis owner has already ejaculated. So basically their well has run dry. They're like, I have ejaculated all I can and that's it. Dry orgasms can also occur when semen isn't expelled from the tip of the penis and instead flows back into the bladder. And that can happen time to time. This is not a cause for concern. The semen will just leave the body the next time the penis owner urinates.

Seamen retention. So this has also become popular in recent years. It's the process of learning to intentionally have a dry orgasm. The reason why many penis owners might do this practice, because it helps them maintain an erection after they have an orgasm so they can last longer before ejaculating. And this practice can also help penis owners have multiple orgasms. Now, why would someone want to do this? Why would a guy be like, oh, I love ejaculating? It's really easy for me, but I'm going to stop it. I'm going to like leave that orgasm inside me to circulate around like, what are you even talking about? Well, there has been research has shown that it can improve sperm motility and also increase testosterone levels. So for some penis owners, this practice of not ejaculating but having an orgasm, which is a practice, can maybe help them with testosterone

levels. And also, according to some Tantric sex traditions and other traditions, retaining semen can also enhance your life force energy or your chi. So the guys I know who have practiced in this area say that they do feel like the less they ejaculate, they still are sexual and they still have sexual activity, but they don't ejaculate. The more embodied they feel, the more clear, the more purposeful in their life. So you got to try it out and see how it works for you. You let me know. So lastly, we're talking about hands-free orgasms. Now this is any orgasm that occurs without stimulating your genitals with your hands, hence hands free. So this can include orgasms through toy use, oral or penetrative sex. So this is like nipple play, water play, dry humping like it used

to do. But I think what a lot of people are interested in is tantric sex, orgasmic breathing, fantasizing, using your brain to actually think your way to orgasm, which is possible. So like tantric sex is basically using like mindfulness and deep connection to help people have more connection. What can really help with that is orgasmic breathing because breathing exercises are a great way to better connect with your entire body and feel more in tune with pleasure. And this can be more of a practice or a challenge. You've got to learn how to do this orgasmic breathing, but it can be really, really gratifying. And what I love about orgasmic breathing is that it's practice that you'll get better at over time, but you basically just get into a comfortable position and you focus on

slow, deep breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth. When you inhale, you focus on your breath extending down to your pelvic floor and then you relax and you're increasing the area's blood flow when you're really focusing on, it doesn't actually reach your pelvic floor, but if you can picture it and you're picturing your breath going deep down into your pelvic floor, you're going to start to feel more connected to all your sex organs. You can also experiment with flexing and releasing your pelvic floor muscles, kind of like a caggle exercise. You're sort of pumping those muscles as you breathe. You might not achieve orgasm the first time. These things take practice. It can take a lot of sessions. But this kind of breathing can be

very satisfying. It can be very pleasing and pleasurable. And it can also help you release anxiety, feel more present, and really just feel more connected to your body. Phantisizing is another way that people can have a hands-free orgasm. You're just using the power of your mind and your mental state to increase your arousal and bring you to orgasm. So this would be thinking about something that turned you on and maybe using your hands, explore different parts of your body, but not necessarily stimulating your genitals directly.

And you also want to bring in some breathwork here, fantasizing, using your brain, using your mind. So all these things are possible for some hands-free pleasure. I also have a great article about masterclass with lots of information about hands-free orgasms, which I will link in the show notes. There's one overlooked mineral behind better sleep, sharper focus, stronger muscles, and a healthier heart. And at least half of us aren't getting enough. Most people don't realize they're running low of one of the most vital minerals for human health,

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routine. Experience the most trusted magnesium for your purity, potency, and performance. Go to qualiaLife.com slash sex with Emily for 50% off. And here's a bonus. Use the code sex with Emily for an additional 15% off your order. That's Q-U-A-L-A-L-A-L-A-L-A-L-A-L-E-E-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L. Thanks for sponsoring this episode. This is from Christina 47 in Massachusetts. Hey, Dr. Emily, I recently discovered your podcast after listening to you on the Mel Robbins podcast. Why do men feel that the jackhammer technique is the way to have sex? I tried to tell my husband that I wanted to go slow, which was how we started the other night. However, it ended in a jackhammer session so he could finish, like usual. I feel embarrassed talking about this subject with him. He's a bit more old

school and I feel like I've explored more prior to us getting married. How can I talk to him without the fear of being judged? Is this something all men do? Help. All right, Christina, this is a topic that is very near and dear to my heart. Because the jackhammer is not a crowd pleaser, not at all. It works for guys and it's the way they are used to having sex because it makes a lot easier for them to finish that way. Because in that position, they're able to move fast enough, they're able to hit the glands of their penis, the most sensitive parts, and know that they're going to have an orgasm when they speed up. And that's a practice. That's how they've always done it. That's how they probably do with their hands. They move fast. And let's remember,

that's also what we see in porn. But your request is totally valid and probably required because here's the rub. While penis owners require this fast stimulation to get off at the end, VOLVA owners, for many of us, it takes a while to build up and get into our true erotic arousal. And in fact, for many women, it can take up to 40 minutes. So if he's starting out fast and then finishing fast, you're probably not getting anything pleasurable happening in this situation. Now, what could happen is he could be slow and sensual and to ensure that you're getting aroused and turned on and then maybe you have your orgasm and then he could speed up. But it doesn't sound like any of that is happening. And now I know that you said you haven't talked to him about it and he's a little bit old

school. But remember, this is also your partner, your husband, someone that you live with that you've committed your life to. And while I get that it can be uncomfortable and you feel embarrassed talking to him about sex, the truth of the matter is the more comfortable you get talking to him about your sex life in a real honest, authentic way without blaming or shaming him allowing him to feel bad, the more likely you are to get your needs met. So maybe we don't start with the jackhammer part. You just start with the conversation saying to him, you know, I know there's something we don't often do.

It seems like it might make you uncomfortable. What would you be open to talking about our sex life and things that we both desire? And you said you did mention to him once before that you wanted him to do the jackhammer and he started that way but didn't finish that way. So if I were you in this conversation with him, remember my three T's of communication timing tone and turf. You got to find the right time when you guys are relaxed and chill. The turf is outside the bedroom and the tone is curious and open and collaborative. So if you do it in that way, you could also say, you know what? You could use my compliment

sandwich approach. Start with the two pieces of bread on either side are the compliments. And the middle part is the feedback. So you could say, gosh, our sex last night, I loved when we were going slow. That felt really good. And then the second part, the middle. I noticed that it felt great for a while, but then you sped up in the end. And then the third part is, I really think that I would be able to learn to experience more pleasure in my body if we could continue to slow down, not break out into the jackhammer. And I think this would really enhance the experience for both of us. Make that your own. But it's a way to compliment, let him know everything's good with the sex you're having, give a request and then finish it up with why it's good for both

of you. That's the formula. But again, he's not used to talking about sex. Be prepared for some pushback, he might, you know, feel criticized. It might be hurting his ego. This is why we all don't talk about sex. Because of this ego part of it, we don't want to hurt our partner's feelings. But I really think if you do it in a thoughtful way, let him know what a anti-jackhammer sex session would look like for you and why it would be such a turn-on. You might just get him to pay attention, listen, and change some of his ways. And most guys are going to need some really fast, furious strokes of their penis to come. So whether it's with their hand or jackhammering, he's likely still going to have to jackhammer at some point. So let me normalize that for a second.

But it doesn't mean you got to jackhammer way the whole time. What I'd like to see is more of an understanding about your process, what gets you to orgasm, what turns you on and have that conversation with him and then see how you guys can learn to finish. But yeah, the jackhammer is probably here to stay, but I just want everyone to manage their jackhammers, have conversations with your partners about what you actually need so then they can have also what they need and everybody leaves happy and satisfied. Thanks for your question. I appreciate you, Christina. This is from B-27 in Florida. Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm looking for guidance on an issue that's completely new to me. I've just begun seeing someone after a very long relationship and I frankly don't have much experience. The person I'm

seeing now has read Cupid's Poison Arrow, a book on practicing gentler, slower, stiller intercourse. And while I don't understand a lot of it, it seems to state that orgasms are bad for your mental health and your relationships. This does not feel right to me, but I don't know how to respond. And while I do want to be respectful to her non-orgasm goals, I just don't know how to do that. I would love any advice. All right, thank you so much for your question. So it seems that this book's main focus is more about maintaining connection and passion and intimacy after the honeymoon period, after the initial stages of the relationship. And there are many ways to do that and there are many ways that involve orgasms. It sounds like your partner was focusing

on the Koresa method. And that states a slow and sensual way of having sex that entirely removes climax from the sexual equation, leaving space for emotional connection and heightened affection. I love the idea of delaying orgasm, taking orgasm out temporarily to focus on connection. And it can be fun to not have that goal of the orgasm. Because sometimes when we're anxious about having an orgasm and we're worrying about having an orgasm, that'll take you out of the moment. So it's encouraging you to think more about touching and caressing beyond just the genitals. Also a great method for people with disabilities or chronic pain. But at the same time, you should be allowed to have orgasms and definitely not shamed for it. And despite what you're part, you're

partner thinks are what you're gleaned from this book, orgasms are not bad for your mental health. Studies have shown that orgasms boost your mood with feel good hormones, improve your sleep. They can help with pain. And yes, strengthen your relationship. So I think going back to her and saying, I'm really interested and tell me more about what about this process feels really good to you. Why is it important to you to go slower? I'm all on board, but let me hear more about it. And then you can come armed with some of your information about you'd really like your relationship focusing on sex and connection. And you also think orgasms for you at least are going to be important part of your sexual

roadmap and your arousal process. And I don't think that this could be one or the other. You guys could probably have to come up with a way to compromise. So everyone's having pleasure. Okay, B, thanks so much for your question. Let me know how it goes. This is from Vanessa. She's 21 years old.

Hey, Dr. Emily, I love the show. My boyfriend gave me lots of head, which always leads to amazing orgasms. The only problem is I'm not living in the moment when he's going down to me. I find that to get to the point of orgasm and send myself over the edge, I have to imagine scenarios in my head, just like when I masturbate. I feel so bad because he makes me feel amazing, and I feel like I should be focusing on how hot he is and how he makes me feel without needing to get deep into imaginary situations.

I want to enjoy the moment itself and not have to be. use my imagination to be able to orgasm help. All right, Vanessa, great question. So here's the thing about fantasies and imagining things to bring ourselves to orgasm. It's common. It's normal. A lot of us do it. And it has a purpose. It sort of is that thing that gets you there. It's the sure thing. You definitely are used to doing it during masturbation. And really what this is telling me is you have a habit. It's gotten into the neuropathways of your brain and the way you orgasm. And so now you know when you get to this point, this is the only way you know to date how to orgasm, is thinking about these scenarios. But here's the cool thing. You can also learn to retrain your brain and your

body to have orgasms in different ways. This is what this work is all about, sexual exploration. A lot of us can orgasm one way, but if we put in the time, we could all learn how to orgasm in many, many, many different ways. So what I would urge you to practice to do is, if this doesn't work for you anymore, you want to try something different, is next time he's going down on you, As much as you find yourself wanting to go off to fantasy land, if you could bring yourself back into the moment and start to focus on the physical sensations that you are feeling in your body. Maybe focus on, you know, the five senses. So when we do that, we go around the five senses like what you're seeing, what you're hearing,

what you're smelling. Then it takes you back into the present moment and you won't be able to go into fantasy. So maybe you could start to look at it this way. He's between your legs. So for a sight, you could look and say, God, this is so hot at this. my partner was just loving me up so much and going down to me. That feels amazing, right? Looking at that. And what am I hearing? I'm hearing his mouth against my vulva. And that's like those noises are really a turn on. What am I smelling? Maybe you're smelling sex in the air or candle. So if you do that and you bring yourself back to the moment, then you might really be able to get into your body and feel what is happening in that moment. Breathing deeply will also help you stay anchored and grounded in the moment. Like a really long. breath where you are inhaling for five counts and you're exhaling for five counts. And if you do that a few times, along with the going through your senses and keeping yourself present, you'll be

able to stay more anchored in the moment and start to train yourself a new way to feel arousal because when you are more present with what's actually happening, you'll start to feel sensations in your body, you'll start to feel your pelvic floor more, you'll start to feel the blood rushing to your clitoris in your genital area and how it starts to swell. You'll even start to feel more enhanced connection to your partner. So it's a practice. Don't beat yourself up if you try this and then you go back to fantasizing and then you go back to the senses and you go back to fantasizing because anytime we're learning a new spiritual practice or meditative practice, it's a practice. It takes time. So you're not going to get this on the first time around, I don't think. But the more

intentions you set around wanting to be present and focused with your partner, the more likely you are to make this happen. And then you'll be able to orgasm in a lot of different ways because you're only just beginning. Thanks, Vanessa. that's it for today's episode thank you so much for listening to sex with emily and if you love the show please like subscribe and leave a review wherever you get your podcast and hey share this with a friend or a partner it might just spark something it usually does you can find me on instagram tick tock youtube facebook and x it's all at sex with emily oh and i've been told I give really good email.

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