Sex With Emily - How to Let Go of Sexual Shame and Finally Enjoy Sex l Ft. Amy Baldwin & April Lampert

Episode Date: July 22, 2025

Join the SmartSX Membership : https://sexwithemily.com/smartsx Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. List & Other Sex With Emily Guides: https://sexwithemily.com/guides/ Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides. SHOP WITH EMILY!: https://bit.ly/3rNSNcZ (free shipping on orders over $99) Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website: https://sexwithemily.com/ In this special crossover episode of Sex with Emily, Dr. Emily welcomes Amy Baldwin and April Lampert, sex educators and hosts of the Shameless Sex podcast, for a deep dive into shame-free pleasure, boundaries, kink, and creating more satisfying intimate relationships; whether you're single, coupled, monogamous, or open. We explore what "shameless sex" really means and how shame disconnects us from pleasure and authenticity. Amy and April share tools like self-inquiry, somatic practices, and sexual experimentation for healing and self-acceptance, emphasizing that communication is the gateway to better sex. They stress the importance of "owning your desires" using non-judgmental language and practicing "seductive honesty" before clothes come off. The conversation covers kink, BDSM, and open relationships, including consent, negotiation, aftercare, and how to safely explore. Amy shares insights from her open relationship about navigating jealousy and building emotional resilience. April, with years in the sex toy industry, busts common myths like "vibrators desensitize you" and "sex toys replace partners," while discussing quality materials, inclusivity, and why most toys are still designed for cis men. This episode is packed with top tips for more shameless sex: normalizing solo exploration, not judging your fantasies, exploring full-body arousal beyond genital touch, and being curious rather than performative. Whether you're questioning your desires, confidence, or worthiness in bed, this conversation offers validation and practical tools for embracing your authentic sexual self. Timestamps: 0:00 - Introduction 6:02 - Breaking Down Sexual Shame 8:21 - Personal Stories 15:25 - How to Identify Your Sexual Needs and Desires 21:59 - Real Communication Example 28:16 - Listener Q&A 36:03 - Helping an Anxious Partner Become More Present During Sex 40:55 - Open Relationships 49:52 - Five Quickie Questions 51:00 - Where to Find Shameless Sex Podcast and Book Details

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I feel like speaking for what you want can be scary in the bedroom and people get ashamed about their fantasies or maybe they have been shamed about sharing when they've shared in the past or they see something in porn, which we're not anti-porn. We always talk about how it's great for entertainment, but not for education. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. What does it really mean to have shameless sex? And what happens when we stop chasing perfect and start embracing the messy, human, hilarious journey of sexual empowerment? Today, I'm joined by the brilliant duo behind the Shameless Sex podcast, Amy Baldwin and April Lampert. Together, we're diving deep into the realities of releasing shame, owning desire, and finding the confidence to ask for what you want in the bedroom. You'll hear

about their own experiences with STIs, body confidence, sex toys, orgasms, non-monogamy, and the power of normalizing our most vulnerable truths. Whether you've struggled with sexual shame, want more out of your pleasure life, or are just curious about what it really looks like to have open, honest, hot conversations, this episode is for you. Alright everybody, enjoy this episode! I'm just so proud of you guys. Congratulations on your success of Shameless Sex podcast. Lots happened since the

year of Analyncing. So much. That's where it all happened. I believe it was 2017. You were on the podcast because we're friends, we work in the industry and you came on it was just a hilarious show and we ended up pointing at the year of Analyncing. I think you pointed at the year and you came on. It was just a hilarious show. And we ended up pointing at the year of, I think you pointed the year of Aina Linking. Yeah, I was accidentally done, but it was so good. It was like, oh, that's perfect. We're talking about 2016 too, was the year of Aina Linking.

That was the year of Aina Linking. Cause it was January when we recorded. Oh my God, it was that long ago? It was. Okay, so we were at a really funny podcast and you guys can check it out. Maybe we'll link it in the show notes for a walk down memory lane.

But then since then you had this inspiration to start now. What is this Shameless Sex Podcast? We drove away from the episode with you in 2017. And at the time April was going through a divorce. I was going through a heartache with one of those relationships where you get like five of them in one every year for five years. And it was like round four, maybe, maybe round three.

So we left there and we always knew we would do a creative project together at some point. And it inspired us being with you. We're like, why don't we start a podcast? Would Emily be mad? No, I think she'd be happy for us. And we started working on it for maybe four months. It was almost like therapy on some level

because we were already talking to each other about relationships, about sex for years because we were both in the sex toy industry. And then after your show, it just inspired the creativity flowing through us because we loved hanging out. And then people responded. We didn't think it was ever gonna be anything.

We thought it was gonna be a passion project slash our own individual therapy together. And it turned out to be this massive, beautiful, almost like life's work. And thanks to you, we always say that. You birthed us in a way. If that, it's almost like life's work. And thanks to you, we always say that, like you birthed us in a way. Like if that, like it's, you're more like a sister, but that's how life's-

Your sister podcast mother. Oh, it makes so much sense because you guys are so good together and you are helping so many people. It's probably also strengthened your friendship as you're saying, right? Like just, and who you are sexually. We should have had a therapist during the writing

of the book. Yes, definitely. Because it was so, I can't imagine doing it on by yourself. We talked about that while we were writing the book. We're like, how did Emily do this by herself? Because it's so hard. But doing it together is hard too, because you got to collab, what are you gonna say

and how are you gonna organize it? But we're not like switching every other page or chapter. We're both contributing equally and that's a lot of work. It's like writing two books in one. She wrote a book, I wrote a book and it's one book. It's a lot of work. It's like writing two books in one. She wrote a book, I wrote a book, and it's one book. It's a lot of work and we kind of forgot about that. Friends and business partners might need therapists at times too, not just like lovers.

No, they really do. They really do. In fact, that's a whole new business now. I know a lot of therapists who actually go into companies because let's be honest, there's dysfunction anywhere. You get people spending a lot of time together and they're gonna have a hard time communicating and they're gonna have issues that come up

and their old traumas are gonna flare up even if it's in the boardroom. Yeah, we were really lucky with having a strong history of being friends and practicing repair work because we had been doing that for, I mean, we've known each other since 2006. Amy knows how to talk to me when I get triggered and then vice versa.

I get triggered at first when you get triggered. But she was like, let's talk, because I will, I kind of, I can kind of fly off the handle or get like really the flight. I don't fight. I just am like, bye, I'm leaving. And then I won't talk about it. She's like, is everything okay?

I think we need to talk about this. So it is like a relationship. And my partner says that he's like, I have you and your partner, Amy. And I'm like, yes, we are non-sexual life partners, for sure. Maybe you could tell a little bit about your history, because I know I met Amy 2016 doing our somatic training,

somatic therapy, which is therapy about being embodied and being present. And we did a lot of work together there. And then we met when you were working as sex toy company. Fun Factory. Fun Factory. Fun sex toys. Well, I loved your, when you had that Misadvised show. And so I knew when you were working at sex toy company. Fun Factory. Fun Factory. Fun sex toys.

I loved your, when you had that Misadvised show. And so I knew who you were and then when we were gonna work with you, I was like, oh my God, Emily. So we ended up being at like some parties together. And then I was like, I have a total girl crush on you. And you're like, really? And then I was like, you're so cool.

And then I was on your show talking about sex toys and Lube for Fun Factory, like a mini little inside the Trinch back in the day. And then, I don't know, we'd always hang out. We did, we always liked each other. When Amy said she was going to Somatica with you, I was so excited. It was like, I love Emily, tell her hi.

And then you were having her on your show. And then Amy was like- You're coming with me. That's it, that's how it birthed. It's perfect. It's a perfect union. So let's talk about shameless sex because shame is such a huge theme.

I think it's the most pervasive challenge that people have around sex is their shame. And it's so hard, it's so elusive too, right? But I love that we gotta really just break it down for people. So how would you guys define shameless sex? I think when people hear that, they're assuming that we're trying to get to a point where we have no shame at all or shame won't ever happen again and that's not exactly how it works. We started the podcast, what is our mission? It's to eradicate shame but then we

reframe that because we looked at shame as a teacher and something that comes throughout our lives. You know if we're lucky maybe it doesn't come for a number of years, and there's not really a hierarchy of shame either. So while it's shameless sex, it's how can we have as little shame as possible and have the tools to work with shame as it comes in in the future so it's not so impactful and doesn't become armor on our bodies that we have to take months or years to move through. Or I guess I would think of shameless sex

as like a de-armoring, the process of de-armoring the body and the genitals, the pussy, the bits, whatever bits you're rocking, so that you can be and live as your most free sexual being and relational being too. As shameless sex isn't just about sex, it's also about relationships, love, casual sex, whatever, all the things, dating, all the pieces.

I didn't even know how much shame I was carrying around until we started the podcast. We interview folks, right? And so we'd have different people, therapists, doctors, and certain things they would drop in about, well, that's linked to shame, or if you've ever done this. And I was like, whoa, I totally, I guess I am.

Like maybe I never really loved the way my pussy looks, and I need to really look at her and embrace all the things. And then also talking about like maybe I never really love the way my pussy looks and I need to really look at her and embrace all the things and then also talking about things that I never thought I would share with people publicly about like personal stuff that I did have shame about. And so the podcast gave me a tool to actually unarmor myself and it felt so good.

It felt like a release after I started having real shameless conversations. Because normalizing sex, which is what you do and you've done for so long, but normalizing sex, it sounds so easy, but it's not. People have triggers and people are from different environments, different places of the world. They've had different experiences. Trauma can be really heavy for people.

And that's not something where like, you just need to get over it. You know, get over your shame, get over your trauma. It's like, no, there is be really heavy for people. And that's not something where like, you just need to get over it. Get over your shame, get over your trauma. It's like, no, there is work that you can do and then those pieces will all flow together so you can have really amazing sex. And it all starts with you.

Would you guys be willing to share some of the shame hurdles that you've overcome, like what it looked like and how it looks now? What are some of the things that you've worked through just to show people examples of how we can, maybe never goes away, but how do you handle it? What's some shame hurdles you jumped? Oh my gosh, so STI.

I got an STI when I was 17. I thought I was broken. I didn't think I deserved pleasure a lot of times. So I wore that almost like this piece of like a shield. And I would just almost like expect to help my partner get off, usually penis owning people, and never expect to orgasm in the bedroom,

not just because of the STI status, but I just thought I was broken and I didn't deserve pleasure. I could masturbate and orgasm that way, but I had never even had an orgasm with a partner before. Before I was in my mid-20s or something, which is, I think that's one of my most significant things that I will say.

I mean, there's so many more, but I want Amy to share too. The STI status was really powerful for April because I knew of her STI status for years. Only close friends. Only close friends, but we didn't even talk about this. She didn't even decide this, but we did an episode, episode number 120, the STI episode, with our dear friend and nurse practitioner, Remy Paillet.

And we were talking about STIs and April just outed it on the air. I started crying too, because I didn't expect to. Can you do my, what is it? Well, I was diagnosed with HSV-1, which is when people get oral cold sores, that's what you get from someone going down on you that's had an oral cold sore

that I probably didn't notice or didn't see. So I have HSV-1 on the genitals. And I was told by doctors and by ex-boyfriends and by my parents and by friends that I was disgusting. And you hear people make off the cuff jokes about herpes all the time. I'm like, wow, bro, I don't wanna sit, I don't wanna, you know.

Get the herpes. Hook up with that chick, I'll get the herpes. I mean, I've heard people say it. And so I always was like, oh, that was like, hit me in the gut. And so that episode, so that was episode one, as you said, 150, and I still hadn't talked about this and we had had other moments because I was ashamed.

And so I was like, who am I sitting here talking about to this doctor, a nurse practitioner talking about STIs and I can share what happened to people, to me, that I felt this way and I felt terrible about having an STI. And I just cried and it sobbed, but I was like, yeah, this has been hard. And it felt so good that I was talking about it. And then we had people write in,

someone saying that I wanted to commit suicide until they heard how normal it was for people to admit and that- Or have STIs. And have STIs and then also hearing that nothing's wrong and I'm not broken. That you could go on and have a life and have sex. And have good sex. That's how you normalize it, by the truth, right?

Like you put light on it, right? When you shed light on what you think is your darkness, right? Maybe you take a daily suppressant. Yeah, or the antiviral medication. Yeah, and your life is over. And that's what the nurse practitioner said. She's like, look, it's so common.

STIs are so common. And Amy was like, yeah, I've had chlamydia twice. And I was like, your life is over. And that's what the nurse practitioner said. She's like, look, it's so common. STIs are so common. And Amy was like, yeah, I've had, I've had chlamydia twice. And I was like, yeah, see. From JTT, it's just the tip. Yeah, just a little drop of fluid, it'll get you. Yeah. And it felt, felt good. And we were laughing now.

And sometimes we can sometimes use humor, maybe more than we should, but. We're good at that. Yeah. I think that's part of it, what makes it, I think people need that. They don't want like a serious. Clinical thing. Yeah. should, but. We're good at that. Yeah. I think that's part of it, what makes it, I think people need that. They don't want like a serious. Clinical thing.

Yeah. So yeah. What about your shame, Amy? One thing that stands out to me is having shame around the way that I orgasm or experience pleasure, meaning I'm someone who really likes sex toys and vibrators. I don't need it all the time, but sometimes I do need it and I want it.

And I've had partners that have shamed me for that. Like, why would you need that? Or people that I haven't need it all the time, but sometimes I do need it and I want it and I've had partners that have shamed me for that. Like why would you need that? Or people that I haven't even slept with, I just made out and they're like, I hope you're not one of those people that use vibrators all the time. Things like that.

I'm like, okay. Then I would be like, no. You know, and then I'd have sex without the vibrator. And I, again, have learned over time to not have to have the vibrator. And I have a partner now who loves it. He absolutely loves it. He's like, how I feel, pleasure is pleasure. It doesn't matter if he's just like on the side watching

and is just like this, I mean, this is hot. This is awesome. I'm watching you, you get off or if I'm incorporating it during sex. Wait, he was a fan boy, by the way. He was a fan boy, yeah. That's how I think of him. Yeah, wait.

I'm sorry to interrupt, but I had to share. He was like, he's listening to like every episode and he's just fantastic. Actually, when we, we've been together for four years. He listened to Help His Marriage and then they got divorced. Yeah, 20 year relationship, 15 year marriage. And so he was already a fan and the way I met him was in a yoga studio and he's like, shame of sex.

And I thought it was because of my hair, because I have noticeable hair. He's like, no, it's your voice. I've listened to your podcast. And I was like, he's kinda hot. I wonder if he's single. He was just getting separated then. So four plus years later,

we are in a wonderful relationship. And I was like, this is awesome. He knows I have daddy issues. He knows I'm more subby and I like a strong dominant person. And obviously he's interested in me because he feels like he can hold that space. Do you find that once guys use the toy,

sometimes they're like, oh, I'm down. It's just the whole perceptions around it. Yeah, the process around it. And yet there are some people like, really you need that again? Like, can we not use that? And so as someone who has now learned how to have orgasms without sex toys,

the process before of needing a sex toy, because my first orgasm was from Vibrator. I had had sex with four or five people at that time, never had an orgasm, bought a water dancer from Vibratex, no longer made, kind of like a pocket rocket, gave me my first orgasm, I squirted too, and I was like, what is this? But I kind of already know what it is. And so for a while, that was like a big part of my life, that imprinting. And the people that were pressuring about not needing, like, you shouldn't need this, didn't help me learn how to have orgasms the other way. That created pressure in my brain and headiness

and having partners that were like, yeah, bring it out, that's great. Helped me to actually open up to be able to have orgasms in other ways. It's a little like counterintuitive, doesn't quite make sense, but that pressure didn't work. And I did this process before having the podcast,

but my current partner really has helped me to embody that even more. Like however I wanna have pleasure, as long as it's consensual with him or whomever I'm engaging with, is all good and beautiful. My partner busted out when I first met him. I used WeVibe and I was like, from a past partner.

From who knows how many past partners. And I was like, I commend you for breaking out a sex toy. Oh yeah. No shame. You know what? I know the people that own that company and I can get us plenty of new wee vibes. I don't need your gently used wee vibe. Can we throw that in the garbage now?

But that was the first. I like these trying to upcycle. That's the same. Gently used. But I was like, I don't know. And it wasn't clean either by the way. I know, someone else was like a blonde pubic hair. Like am I blonde?

No, like wait, wait, why is that on there? I'm good, thank you. But like, yeah, it was is like a blonde pubic hair. Like am I blonde? No, like, right, right, why is that on there? I'm good, thank you. But like, yeah, it was just like the view. My thing was, so the magic wand, I had through partnerships passed, but it's like my baby. So I was like, is this, am I being hypocritical here because I'm using this wand that I've used with many partners and he's trying to use this product.

I don't know, I still don't have an answer. In your new book, Shameless Sex, you have a whole chapter about how people identify what exactly they want in the bedroom. You have this fun example about cold weather haters. You're like, maybe you hate cold weather. They're like, I'll never go to Alaska. So that's it. And you like rule out everywhere cold. And so as a result of that, like maybe you can kind of define how that could kind of help us. Cause our partner might say like, I want to tie you up with a butt plug. You're like, no, I'm out. I will never go to the land of tying up and butt plugs.

But how can we learn to kind of expand? Like, why do you think it's so hard for people to identify their needs and their wants? I feel like speaking for what you want can be scary in the bedroom and people get ashamed about their fantasies or maybe they have been shamed about sharing when they've shared in the past, or they see something in porn, which we're not anti-porn.

We always talk about how it's great for entertainment, but not for education, but people see something and assume sex is supposed to look a specific way, and then friends talk about something they did, and why is it my desire like this? And so it's an evolution, right? What you want or like one month or day

might be totally different. And you have, that's what communication, communication is lubrication. That's your quote. We do, we were like Emily Morse as she says, because it's so true. It's just a pain in the ass. People are like, well, how, right?

How? It's like, okay, you have to first identify what feels good to you and identifying desire really does start with you. We talked about this in the beginning. And so that means having a self-pleasure practice, which people might be like, oh, that's not too bad, but having a self-pleasure practice

to really figure out what you're gonna want, trying all these toys. Oh, maybe I do like a little bit of this, or maybe I do want a little bit more of that. And if your partner's desires, if there's a desire discrepancy, okay, that's one thing, but where could you meet in the middle? If you really want deep anal fisting,

and the other one wants threesome, or maybe something more chill, like they're like, I just want to be pampered, right? That could be a little bit challenging. So where can you meet in the middle? And sometimes getting your yeses, nos, and maybes to identify your desires, I think would be really helpful. I still struggle sometimes with communicating.

If someone asks, like my partner's like, so what do you like? What do you want? I'm like, too broad. Yeah. No, hold on. I like a sex toy. That I think it can be confusing and scary.

And it starts with you. You have to figure it out for yourself first. You can't expect a partner or person to really be a psychic or mind reader to know what you want in the bedroom. Unless you're dating some psychics, look at you. But I have yet to date one and that would kinda freak me out a little bit.

And I'll add to the porn piece, while porn is not really great for education, we can use it as an education tool only to inspire us with things that we might want to try, but don't think they'll look like what you see in porn. You know, threesome's are like, oh, it looks really hot. Don't think it's going to look like the porn threesome. I'm also listening to as many podcasts on sexuality

with all different topics, topics that you didn't even think you'd be into. You're like, I'm not into tantra, but I'm gonna listen to this tantra topic. Or I'm not into deep anal fisting, but I'm still gonna listen to that to see what happens. And maybe it's not deep anal fisting that I'm into, but I'm learning to like anal play, and I'm gonna add that, or I'm curious about it.

So it's completely normal to not really know. We're not born like, I know exactly what I want in the bedroom. And we're not exactly taught, unfortunately, how to explore our bodies and develop this from a young age, this whole curriculum within ourselves. But there's just so many ways to be able to discover those and then you try and practice. But there needs to be kind of a, not needs to, it's only if you want this for yourself,

a willingness to try these things. So you have to go down that route, knowing that it's okay to try something and not like it. It's okay to have something that you think is hot and not actually want to do it. And yeah, and it can be revolutionary and change your life. And then just staying open to that constantly evolving is hot and not actually want to do it. And yeah, and it can be revolutionary and change your life. And then just staying open to that constantly evolving and shifting and changing and also admitting to yourself that you don't. Or here's the things I'm insecure about.

I only have orgasms from clitoral stimulation and I'm going to learn more about that. The normalization of other ways that you can potentially have orgasms. So genitals are not the only way to have orgasms, but it just depends what you're into. I think if people, when they are a hard no on something, maybe they had some trauma or that they haven't really addressed and they're like, no, I absolutely, that is hard for me to deal with.

Of course, if you have your hard nos, then stick to those. But if you're a maybe, A soft no. And remember not to, yeah. And don't be like, ew, if your partner does share something with you, like that's disgusting,

because that is a little bit of a shame that could start the shame pool with the ripples. So if you just say, I'm not into that, because I have so many girlfriends, personal girlfriends, they're like, I will never do anal April. You talk about it all the time in your show, I just won't. I was like, have you ever tried it?

They're like, no. I was like, okay. Exit only. And I was like, have you ever tried it? They're like, no. I was like, okay. Exit only. And I was like, why? And then when you get to the layers, oh, well, after my kids, I had hemorrhoids and I'm scared. I was like, okay, well, that's a different conversation. So then we interviewed a doctor

that talked about how to have anal with hemorrhoids. We were like, okay. It's terrible. Everything's like a workaround. Like in normalizing that, we don't have to know. We roll up to the sex conversation thinking like, something's wrong with us because we don't know all these things.

But what we're saying is a journey through everything we do and then just talking about it. And not yucking your partner's yum. And then I guess- And you've been in this for so long and you're still learning, right? No, I learn all the time. And then it changes.

And then I think I learn, I'm like, oh, I don't actually want that anymore. Absolutely. Yeah, exactly. So when we figure out what we want in the next level, like actually going to the scarier thing of saying it to our partner, here's what I want. In our book, we take knowledge from all kinds of wonderful educators, doctors, such as yourself, Dr. Emily Morse, and authors.

And so this is not all just our ideas and thoughts. It's a lot of different formulas that we put together and thoughts and beliefs. And we created our own formulas for communicating about sex. And I won't go too deep into them. One is small asks and big asks and understanding the difference between the two, when and where to do them and how to communicate them. And then also something that we call the connect formula,

which is an acronym for how to have what might feel like a more challenging or heavy conversation. Those are really powerful tools to have in your toolkit that you can access over and over again because it applies not just to sex and relationships, but also like we said, like business partners and friends. Didn't you just have a hookup in Portugal

and then you had to use the connect formula? So I opted out though, so let me tell you why I opted out. Okay, so my partner and I are non-monogamous and so I was just in Portugal without him and I went on a dating app and you found this really hot sexy Portuguese man who's like 6'3 and smoking hot and And we went on a date and I only had one night to see him and he spoke English very well Like it was very very skilled speaking English, but you know Portuguese is first language

I don't speak any Portuguese and so we went on this day and he you know discovered more about what I do and he asked Me this conversation before we were even like being intimate. He said, what about those girls or women who like being spanked and told something? And I was like, oh, like you're a bad girl, dirty little slut. And he was like, yeah, I was like,

oh, I'm one of those people, but I don't want it all the time. I don't want to live that all the time. Anyway, so that was kind of that conversation. And I was like, oh, I think it comes from daddy issues. And when I'm choosing to do that with partners to be in a submissive role, it's kind of healing stuff where I didn't feel like emotionally taken care of

by my dad. And I know that this person is like showing up that way in this dominant energy. Anyway, so fast forward to actually having sex. Language barrier-ish, but not too much, but just takes a lot more time. I talk fast, like all three of us. So we're being intimate, we're hooking up,

and he's moving a little bit faster than I like, but I'm just kinda going with it, seeing what happens. This is when I did not apply the connect formula. Because I opted out, and here's what he said. Yeah, bitch. And I was like, ugh. I mean, so that didn't offend me. He's basically fucking me and says, yeah, bitch.

And I was like, that is so not my word. My word is like, I just lost all my fluids right now. But it was just kind of funny to me. So I didn't laugh. I didn't want to shame him. And I was like, okay, let's feel in this Amy. Do you really want to take five minutes to explain? So that's not really my word.

It doesn't really land for me. What works for me more is like good girl, bad girl, dirty little slug. Yeah, take it in, take, yeah, take it in, take it bigger, take it all, things like that. And that would take maybe 20 minutes to explain. Yeah, yeah, it's his first language. It might not, it's like land.

Yeah, Google Translate would be like explode. So I thought of it, I was like, we have the Connect formula, it's so brilliant, it's so helpful, fuck it, I don't even wanna do it. So then I'm like, let's just keep going with it, and then five minutes later, yeah, bitch, and I was like, no, no, not shaming him again. Like that's what works for some people, right?

Just not my jam. And so I was like, oh my God, am I having compliance sex by not saying it? I'm an animal in my head. Compliance sex, it happens. So I opted out of that again. I was like, you know what? This is just one,

we're probably gonna have one hour together after this. It's almost over. So yeah, so yeah. Amy having sex where she feels like she has time and spaciousness to communicate this and the energy to. The Connect formula, fabulous to really go through these ways of saying things lovingly and clearly.

And if you're into yeah bitch, good for you, not my jam, but yeah bitch. See, I also know one perfect. Yeah, no it's perfect. The Connect formula is a formula for like thinking like, we could read it in your book, right? Yeah, it's worse. But it's a formula for having conversations

about what you want. Like difficult conversations around sex. In what, your difficult might be different from someone else's difficult, right? Difficult might just be talking about talking about sex. For most people it's difficult. It's just a normalized effect that most people have a really hard time just saying anything,

like I wanna make out more. Yeah, so it's a design to create this. Seriously, it's designed to create this like safer way of communicating where people are less likely to get triggered, but things are actually being said in a loving, authentic way. And then you're learning how to negotiate and work together and then what do you do with that after.

So it's like giving you more confidence and tools to be able to navigate those really challenging spaces that come up again and again, should you choose to actually discuss them. This uses a lot of nonviolent communication tools too. So it's because there's so many different tools, like compiling those in a way that could be relevant to sex is also a thing.

And sometimes like talking about what you actually want in a way that isn't shaming, like instead of saying like, you never do this, Amy, you never do this for me. It's like, no, okay, hey, I'm feeling like I need never do this. Amy, you never do this for me. It's like, no, okay, hey, I'm feeling like I need more of this. And I would love to have some more making out.

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So you can learn to say it and you learn to talk about it. Like you're probably all gonna be having all the sex you want, the anal fisting you want, or the fantasies you want. If you know how to communicate it, but that's where people are stuck. Yeah. And I think it's also the framing of it's a problem. And it sometimes it's a problem.

Oftentimes you could also look at it as an opportunity or as something where we're okay and good. I want to be great with you. It's a connected and we experience and not just like, you know, we have a problem or you're the problem. It's something that you can expand beyond that. Again, if it's a problem, then you can really honor that. I love that though, because I grew up in the Midwest,

everybody's always, I'm fine, my mom, I'm fine, I'm fine. And I'm like, do you really just wanna be fine in your relationship or do you wanna have a great, amazing relationship? And I use my mom as an example, I love her so much, but sometimes I'm like, that is part of the problem in my world. That's why it's like taking these steps

to listen to the podcast, read books that can give you the tools to bring your sex life and your communication to the next level, to the level that you really want, that you desire, that you dream about. Totally. You know those couples are like, we never fight. They worry the fuck out of me.

Yeah, I know, I'm like, okay, danger ahead. Like you should fight, like we might have a lot of passion. Yeah, or an argument or disagreement or it feels really heavy and scary and challenging and that's okay. But knowing how to navigate that, being open to it, there's a lot more depth and richness that comes in sex and relationships as opposed to like,

oh no, we're all good, just bear it under the rug. You don't like confrontation. Also, one thing that comes up, and I know it probably comes up, every relationship's different. Sure, listeners, your listeners probably write in, and one of their partners liked things this way, or they had conversations that worked this way,

and now they're with someone new, and the same tricks aren't working, or the same conversations, they can't get through. And so it's like, everyone is changing, and you can't apply the same methods to each human. Everybody's brain is different. Everybody's experiences are different, which we've talked about already. And so it's about figuring out what works for each scenario.

So that's something that I come back to again and again, because I sometimes I'm like, why is my partner like not doing what my old partner did? Right. So it's so, it's so weird. But yeah, it's a good way to think about it. Like every time you're with someone, it's a new, like you two are coming together to create a new experience and new relationship. Yes, you're bringing your past histories,

but you can't make assumptions that they're gonna want this. So that's why we gotta learn to communicate about it, right? I love that you're here because I really want your help with our listeners. Answering questions. This is from Meredith. Hey, Dr. Emily, I started listening to your podcast

a couple of months ago. I just read Smart Sex. I love it so much. I love how you emphasize in the beginning throughout the book that the brain is the biggest sex organ and also all the ways our brains can inhibit our pleasure without us realizing. My part of two and a half years and I often sex

when we're apart, when one of us is traveling for work, et cetera. I'm used to sending him photos and lingerie, sexy, revealing photos. However, a friend said to me that he would probably find it very sexy if I sent him a picture of my vagina. I really would like to, but I'm not sure how to even go about it. I think that historically I haven't viewed my vagina as a sexy or beautiful part of my body, but I would like to. Do you have any tips for taking these photos such as good angles or ways to go about it?

Full the script. I thought you guys would be great to help here. Thank you for writing, Meredith. First, I have to say is that that is a great way to find your vagina more beautiful and to feel more connected to it is to really give it love and take a lovingly, take a look at it, take a picture and just kind of feel more present with yourself and it probably would help you feel sexier. I know that it always does, but I haven't actually sat,

I've looked at my vagina a lot, but I haven't sat and done the photo things, but as much on my own. I didn't realize how different everybody's vulvas are because I hooked up with a few women, vulva owners out there, and I just didn't realize that they're all so different and beautiful because they're like genitals, right? So they're all different.

But I have like an outer labia scar from a sex accident when I was like 18. That was so, I had like stitches. And so I had a scar and I was like scar-faced vulva lady. So I was always really ashamed of what I looked like. And then slowly, I think we had some vulva mapping done with Dolly Josette and that was on the show. And then, so I realized how important it was to love

because it's part of you. So whatever your genitals look like, taking pictures, yes. But what about creating fabulous art? Where it's like doing this, Amy and I had this idea to do stamps of our vulva, like not each one with our juices or anything, but have like a- That's vulva stamp. That would be a letter we'd all go to the mailbox for.

So I'm an Audi and Amy's an Innie, meaning the vulva. So our friend that's a doctor, she's a doctor of Chinese medicine. She was like, oh, you know, if you have an Audi, you're down to fuck. And if you're an Innie, that means you're like more complex, like a Rubik's cube. And so, so far the theory is in the present.

And yes, she's like a Rubik's cube, Amy. Well, so we have a mutual friend, she is DTF and I'm not as DTF. I take a lot more of the warmup and things, but we also do have a friend who's an Innie that I just thought of, who I won't say her name, and she's DTF, she's super DTF. But her theory is that her outer labia are so juicy, and not just like thick, and they're like super sensitive,

and she's like something about that. She feels like she has more nerve endings externally or something like that. And, but she's also a penetration person too. She's just got nerve endings everywhere. But that would be a good time for her, this woman that just Meredith for her to just explore because knowing that also are you an In-ear and out-ear

and then you can start to explore and then you could do a vulva stamp. I mean, so Amy was gone and she was at a wedding or something and we had this plan to do a vulva stamp. I mean, so Amy was gone and she was at a wedding or something and we had this plan to do these vulva stamps but you need to work with something to mold the stamp, you know, with one stamp. So then I started looking at what I should do

so I painted my pussy blue in the midst of, I was doing a conference online. This is without like Saran wrap or anything, right? No, I just did it on my pussy, so I had a blue pussy. It looked like I was banging a smurf or something. And so I started just playing with different ways to look at it. And it looked like a big blob for a while there,

but I wanted to catch some of the nuances because I think that is beautiful. And for Meredith, you could, I don't think watercolors are safe. Look at different ways to mold it. You can even do a mold. You can make like your own at home, like with- There's the Cl of Pussy.

Yeah, clone of Pussy. Yeah, clone of Pussy, yeah. Yes, yes. The only other hero on Planet of All You Know. Yeah, we know clone of Pussy, yeah. Clone of Willy and clone of Pussy. Clone of Pussy's a great idea, yeah. That's a good idea, and then you could just

look at your vulva and look at all the, what does your outer labia look like? What does your inner labia look like? Are you DTF? Are you in an innie or an outie? I have a feeling your partner would be much more stoked to receive that than a picture. Right, like, oh my God, this is actual,

it's a sex toy of your pussy. To give him the mold. Yeah, the mold. And then, well, the clonopussy too, I think it hooks up to like a vibrating kind of thing. Oh, doesn't that sound really advanced? I didn't know that. Well, how about just tips for sending sexy photos?

Lighting, softer lighting more than anything. Also, there is something to say in my opinion about a little bit of mystery where it's, maybe you can put some lingerie on, as she said she has lingerie, you can wear some sexy underwear, maybe they're crotchless, they're still really sexy, get into a position on the bed

or somewhere where it's not awkward, but also you could leave something to the imagination as well, like a peekaboo situation. I think that people overthink it too, right? Especially we're talking about taking a picture of your pussy, right? Or your cock or something. You know, the cock has to be super hard

in the right angle and the pussy has to be, you look at it like, and you're not used to seeing your pussy, you're just like, oh my God, that's what it looks like. Or it looks like that today. Or look at that weird red dot right there. That's, you know, what's going on? Or am I too much pubic hair?

I'm gonna shave it off before I do the photo. Instead, it's like, if your partner's already seen your pussy, they've seen probably, there are various aspects that you have never seen. So for you to take a photo, like one thought I had is wearing a pair of, what you did, I'd advise maybe sexy underwear, or maybe it's not sexy.

And you just pull them aside and take a shot of your pussy in action. And they can actually envision that their hands, the one pulling the underwear to the side, like they're actually doing anything. Whereas if it's just your gaping pussy, which is wonderful, they can create a lot of scenarios. But if you're actually creating a scenario where they're like,

I'm a part of that, that could be really fun. And I actually did just try to take pictures of my pussy. Not easy to do, like I said, because we are still talking about making these stamps. Did you do it in a mirror or did you? No, I was doing like my own. I tried the mirror too. Okay.

A Vagelfie. What's that? A Vagelfie. A Vagelfie? Yes, a Vagelfie! I like that. That's brilliant. Trademark of that one.

So I was doing Vagelfies. Right at that. And what I found worked really well for me was, I'm a big fan of natural lighting, so of course like facing outward, the sun was coming in, but I was just trying all these different angles. And here's the thing, we were talking about Innies and Audies, you know, if you're an Audi

and your pussy is actually more on like the front part of your pubic mound, which is actually is how April's pussy is, cause I've seen it, it's beautiful. Everyone's glorious. That would not be too hard to take a photo of. And any like me that's tucked under and like in between my legs is like, you gotta get all creative.

But what I found was that just getting over the fact that it needed to look a certain way. So if I'm trying to get my pussy, I might get some ass in there too. Some of my thighs, I don't know. And just getting creative with all those pieces of how it could look. The bend over too, the mirror, the bend over.

That's suggestive. That could be cool. Yes, exactly. I think when our friends would take a picture of a vagina, we appreciate that, but maybe it's more like just send them a sexy photo. Like it had to be your vagina in action

or just, yeah, wearing laundry. Something that makes you feel sexy. These are all great tips. Like the goal is to have your entire leg spread, but get yourself, and also, I would get yourself in the mood. Masturbate, have a sesh, have a solo sesh. Try taking some shots while you're masturbating too. That's hot too, like your fingers are just maybe

down your pants and there's a little hint. You could film it, just for your own eyes, film yourself masturbating and then you can take screenshots of little different slides. That is a great idea too, I knew we'd come up with something. Do you remember Sharon Stone in that movie back with Michael Douglas and she was- Fatal Attraction?

No, no. Basic Instinct. Basic Instinct, that's it, yes, good job. That movie, like, just look at some of the scenes and you could also be in full clothes and have like a- And then just have your legs open and see a hint.

And it was so hot. I still like think about that scene. And she commanded the room of all the fake, you know, the acting police officers. Yeah. It was hot. That was hot. That's good.

So really what we're saying is, Meredith, get yourself into a state where you're feeling sexy, aroused, turned on, take a look, have a mirror, use your camera and like shoot something that makes you in a moment of authenticity. I just like with a photo shoot or a vagina, but like where you're really feeling in your body. Cause that's the intention, right?

That's the intention anyway, is to send them something that we're thinking of you. I love it. I love that too. This is from Corrine 39 in Chicago. Hey Dr. Emily, do you have any tips on how to calm my new partner's general anxiety in bed? Sometimes he's very stuck in his head

and he doesn't even seem to be aware of it. He's not uninterested per se, but it feels like he's rushing and going through the motions sometimes. I'm all about the whole sensory experience and drawing it out. I can't just tell him to relax and suggesting deep breathing or gentle caressing

hasn't helped much either. Any advice on words to use and how to convey them, emotions can be so heightened in the moment, would be so appreciated. Thank you." I love that you're both here because, you know, this is something that we hear about a lot. Like how do we, you know, calm our partner? How do we have the conversation? How does she tell him? I always suggest outside the bedroom, right? And she says, you know, emotions are heightened in the moment. That's why we I always suggest outside the bedroom, right? And she says, you know, emotions are heightened to the moment. That's why we should take it outside the bedroom. But like, he's not so into the like, let's breathe together, let's caress and really,

it just sounds like he's not, you know, very embodied and present during sex. She's noticing it. One thing that comes to mind to me is to lead by example or show someone what it is that you're desiring or liking and you but make it playful not like watch this so you can do it right. Let's play a game or a boyfriend Kristen says at Fun Factor Kristen Tribby was she says like how can you make it erotic how can you make it sexy not like we have a problem right and so if it's something along the lines of I want to show you how to slowly caress my body or my arm or something along those lines.

Hey, would you like to play a game? How about we try and we say this on, she and my sex go slower than slow and slower than that. How about we set a timer and we each play with touching each other for two minutes as slow as possible and just see what happens, which actually I learned with an exercise with you Emily, where we went in the somatica.

Oh my God, somatica and it was an exercise that we had. Is that one of your costumes? No, no, no, no, that's no, Emily, where I went in the somatica. Oh my God, somatica, and it was an exercise that we had. Is that one of your costumes? No, no, no, no, that's no, no, that picture. No, no, no, it was that. That's a great photo. But what was this? You just remind me of this in our somatic class. It was an exercise where we all, we were all pairing up.

I got paired up with Emily and it was to touch in a way that is present, so present and mindful and erotic and is fully closed. So I'm touching Emily like, you know, over her arms and things. And I'm like, I know how to touch with presence and mindfulness, like I meditate, I got this. And I'm touching you and you had this look kind of like, and one of the teachers I think it was,

Celeste or Daniel, probably Celeste, she was like, how is that for you Emily? I'm like, not erotic. And I was like, oh shit. Flunked the class. Oh no. And I was like, oh shit. Flunked the class. Oh no. And I was like, oh fuck. Okay, so there's a difference between mindful and presence

and erotic mindful and presence all at once. And I actually learned a lot from it. It was of course like my heart was like, I'm not doing it right. But you're so sexy too, it's so confusing. Yeah, fuck, it's such a mind blow. My mind is blown. But later on and throughout that,

and I remember that day I started to like practice this and there were some other exercises that brought the eroticism online and then I could bring it outward. And so I'd say this with just like being in your head about doing it right or expecting your partner to do it the perfectly right way. Like get out of that whole mindset.

It's okay to fuck up. It's okay to mess up. But if you're making it a game of like, how can we make this playful? Like, oh, Emily said it's not erotic. Okay, let's try this again. Like, oh, Emily said it's not erotic. Okay, let's try this again. Like, ah, that's funny.

That's attached to the moment. It was that whole touching for my pleasure, touching for your pleasure thing. This one, I think was my or your pleasure. I think it was trying to combine the presence with eroticism in it. And that's at least what stands out to me, because again, you can be like, oh yeah, I'm being mindful.

Let me touch your arm, but I'm not bringing like my, ah, like, and you don't have to breathe like that. You don't have to be, obviously this person's saying the breath isn't really a thing, but inviting your partner, like, hey partner, I really like having, you know, maybe it's my, the back of my neck and my shoulders touched. Let's play a game where for two minutes,

maybe you can just touch it as slow as possible and just try some things, some tickling, some rubbing, some kneading, to see what happens. And maybe I'll give you feedback and then we'll switch roles and I'll do it for you. Yeah, I love that. And you can learn. Two minutes, I mean, two minutes to say,

let's just try anything and then he can do whatever he wants. If he might not wanna go slow on kissing, he might say, for two minutes, can you rub my head? Yeah, or like dry hump the shit out of me or something. Yeah, yeah, whatever, yeah, who knows. Knowing what's on the menu, I love that. Because two minutes is not threatening. You can do anything for two minutes.

It could be like a little bell that dings. From a heady person to a heady person, sometimes that might be a little scary too. Like, I don't know if I'm touching right. Like, I get awkward with touching. I'm like, is that feel good? Okay, okay, what about Burj? The audio erotica, you could turn that on in the background

and be like, do you wanna just drop in and listen to this? So you can both kind of tap in and maybe you could be like, do you wanna just drop in and listen to this? So you can both kind of tap in and maybe you could be like, do you wanna mimic what they're doing right now? And see if you need some guidance to give you direction that can help you drop into the experience together without having to have him figure out his own way or what you like or the two minutes. But those all are good things.

I love the giving and receiving, switching off. There's so many hot stories where you could buy an erotica book and read to each other too if you're into that. However, you don't always feel like we just wanna make it easy for people. So like if you like listen to erotica for two minutes, set an alarm for two minutes,

like we don't want this to be another hurdle. So we're trying to give like, Kareen, hopefully some of these work for you. Just tell me when to like play some games. And I would recommend that when you're already having sex, but you know, date night, outside the bedroom, before it starts to get going, but just like, let's try to figure out what we both want.

And I think anxiety we know is a cause because you're in your head. He's probably in his head. He's worried about things. He's totally left his body. But when you play with each other, that's when you feel connected and your thoughts go away, right?

Your thoughts will start to, you know, leave your body hopefully and be more present. This is from Lexi and she's 24. Hey, Dr. Emily. I'm a 24-year-old bisexual female living in Canada. I'm currently in a relationship with a partner who I've been with for six years. We broke up for about a year. I moved across the country. During this time, I explored a lot with my sexuality and had a lot of amazing sex. This really boosted my confidence and I loved every minute of it. Now I've moved back home and we rekindled the relationship with my ex.

We get along great, our relationship is healthy. When I imagine my future, it's with him. Now here's the problem. I want to have sex with other people. I'm not interested in a poly relationship or threesome or anything, but I keep craving that feeling of when I was able to be free and flirty

and have casual sex. I've suggested an open relationship but he doesn't like the idea. However, even if I was able to get him and flirty and have casual sex. I've suggested an open relationship, but he doesn't like the idea. However, even if I was able to get him open to the idea of it, I think I would be too jealous once he finds someone else to have sex with. I know this comes from a place of insecurity about how my body looks.

I even get upset knowing he watches porn because I look nothing like the models. Sorry for the long question, but basically why do I want to have sex with other people even in a healthy relationship? What to do about it? And how can I be less jealous and insecure if we do open our relationship?

Thanks for your time and creating an amazing podcast. I appreciate you. First, so she's saying she's back together with this guy she's having great sex with, but she misses the flirting, the excitement that you can't have after with someone for a while. You can do other things, but she's missing that. And she wants to know if she could get that

in open relationship, but then if she does open up, she's gonna be terribly jealous if he's having sex with someone else. Therein lies the conundrum. That one D forever does sound scary though, right? Whenever you see the bachelorette parties we're like, one D forever. I'm like, ooh.

I feel like I can totally resonate with this person as someone who is currently practicing non-monogamy with my partner. I feel the same way. My partner, when I was in Portugal, he connected with someone and they had sex a couple times. It brings up feelings and that's just a part of it. And I don't identify as a poly person.

I don't wanna be poly. It sounds complicated for me and I don't have time for that. And if you're poly good for you, I'm very similar in that. And one is embracing the feelings of, it's not always gonna feel like sunshine and rainbows. Yes, when you go out and have sex with someone else, you might be like, woohoo! And it might not feel that way for your partner.

They might have feelings and vice versa. And that is just a part of it. And so jealousy is completely normal. Even at the most skilled poly people feel jealousy. and it's how do you work with it? What do you do with it? What are your tools for communicating it to your partner for dealing with that anxiety or those feelings in your body that might feel really challenging?

How can you work with it as a way that's not projecting like this is your problem or your fault? Or if you feel like something is really intense and you're in an open relationship and you have the arrangement where you can speak to it and then say, hey, let's press pause and tend to the relationship or to ourselves individually while we kind of like cool down from what felt really intense before we decide to continue to move forward. When you go into non-monogamy, you don't have to have all the boundaries and rules figured

out right away. Have some maybe ideally, but they will change as you learn more and have more experiences, feel more discomfort. Like what is a hard no or like I'm gonna panic and freak the fuck out. What feels like a stretch, like, woo, edgy feeling some feelings, but I can work with this and what feels like, oh, this feels really good. And navigating it from that space. I have heard people like, I want to have sex with other people, but I don't want my partner to. Unless your partner's into that kind of, cause that it does exist. That is, that is a thing.

It does happen. Yeah. But it's not very common or not as common. Learn to be comfortable with embracing jealousy and discomfort, be comfortable with discomfort. There's lessons in your jealousy, comfort. You can learn a lot. You can go a little bit deeper with it. You can kind of figure out what it is,

but also I want to make sure that they have trust too. Cause that's the other thing. If you're afraid that he's going to meet someone and that could happen too though, you could fall on someone. That's the word they too. That's the other thing, if you're afraid that he's gonna meet someone and that can happen too though, you could fall on someone. That's the word in this stuff. That's the word in this stuff. It's not there without doing open relationships.

Emily, did you get anything about them maybe doing sex parties or maybe exploring something together? No, but that's a great suggestion. Yes, party there. Because in my twisted world, my stomach churns thinking about my partner being out there banging it out with other chicks. I'd be like, oh wait, but if we do it together,

that sounds safe for me. Because you're there. Because I'm there. He's not like getting a number or leaving, right? Right, and it could still be jealousy. Of course, jealousy can be hot, right? There's all of the obstacle plus desire. Obstacle plus attraction equals desire.

I was really bad at algebra too, okay? Okay. So that, but that is something that if you're like, maybe that jealousy could turn into something sexy to be like, what was that like when you, you know, went down? But that could be a way to explore. And chill at the butterflies, cause it's someone new,

but it's temporary for that night. Should we be meeting someone new at a sex party or play party? Or I mean, you might not even have to have sex with other people too. They can go and have sex with each other and do the exhibition as voyeur. Being around other energy might be like,

that in itself feels hot. Or just flirting with other people at a sex party or dancing with them or something like that. It could be like the swinging thing. If you wanted to be in that sort of environment too. I think there's a lot of outlets for that to do it in a way that's safe for both of you. The trust is huge and you're gonna have to talk about things

after every time because otherwise that's when shit can explode. And that's how you figure out what the boundaries are. Cause you're like, okay, I liked all of it except for the part when you grabbed her ass because you always grabbed my ass that way, but then you grabbed her ass that way or you called her baby and you call me baby, you know,

whatever. Maybe just be for me maybe. And like there's other words out there. Exactly, let's leave baby for me. You can call her bitch. Yeah, bitch, yeah, bitch. Yeah, bitch. I think that what you said about the trust and safety

is really important. And you know, the direction I went with my partner is we started monogamous. Had some shit happen there, but there was no cheating, lying, things like that, but there was more stuff of just, I mean, he was recently separated, okay, so we got a whole bunch of layers of that. But then we went to monogamish, like April's talking, shared experiences, so like a good next level.

I do like how you guys, though, come together after also your conversations, because I'm asking her how she does this. And because it's actually quite smart. Well, so we- Tell us everything Amy. Yeah, I don't know everything everyone, so you know. Tell us what you do, what you do. Yeah, so going from those like baby steps

from monogamous to monogamous to now more non-monogamous and having those separate experiences, whereas, you know, maybe four years ago, if you asked me, I don't know if I would feel that way, but we developed this trust and safety. So here's one thing for me, and I won't say this apply to everyone, and don't take this as if you're doing something wrong

or if you don't feel this way with your partner. I feel, my partner and I, I think we mutually feel like, like we don't doubt any other person being our person, right? I don't think my partner thinks there's another woman out there that's better than me for him. Not that I'm better than everyone, but for him and our alignment. I don't think that he thinks there's another woman out there that's better than me for him. Not that I'm better than everyone, but for him and our alignment.

I don't think that he, while we're not perfect, I feel really safe and secure. And it doesn't mean I won't feel jealousy, but when he is intimate with someone else, I'm not like, but what if she's better than me? Because we have this safety trust and this deep alignment bond, and because I trust him really deeply,

to be honest with me, to share with me, and arrangement isn't just a free for all, go do whatever you want and tell me later. Ours is- And also you don't talk about while it's happening, you're on the phone afterward. No, we don't talk about it while it's, if I'm in Portugal, we're not talking about all the things,

we're connecting, we're not like, so who you banging, how was it? We wait till I get home and we share everything. And so we share those pieces there of like, what do you wanna know? We are respecting the boundaries, ours are always using condoms for any penetrative sex. No slumber parties.

It's a big helpful thing if you wanna keep it casual. No sleepovers. No sleepovers, yeah. And then no having sex with people that are like, people you work with or that might like be around all the time. We live in a small town. And so you're-

That sucks. Yeah. But if you need to develop more like- No, that's it. That same town is huge. Yeah, exactly. Or no,- No, that's it. That same town is huge. Yeah, exactly. Or no, no, no, his was in the same town. Right.

Yeah, this person he was intimate with. That wasn't your rules. So she's not in my social circle. Right. And that was one of our things. Yeah, I'm not banging her man while she's out of town. But some people have different things. They want it in their social circle.

It's different for everyone. So you do you, but if you're feeling unstable about the trust and safety with your partner, I would work on that far before going and being intimate with other people. Feel like that is really secure, then develop tools on how to repair and talk about these things, and then move forward.

But don't try to move forward when you don't have those pieces. Yeah, I'm with you. That's my little danger sign here for her. She's already feeling jealous, like this is not gonna help. So yeah, work on your jealousy, or just work on your relationship right now and strengthening your trust and your bond

and then seeing if you can kind of dabble and play party and stuff. I wanna go back to one thing that you said to clarify because I love the nuance of these different kinds of relationships. Amy, you were saying that, well, I don't wanna be Polly. So you would define as open.

Yeah, I'd say non-monogamous. I don't have time and energy for that. And it sounds like a lot to manage like having another partner I'm building like a loving relationship with and my partner doing that too. And all of a sudden, I like, I have a hard time just calling my mom sometimes. Okay, so I definitely don't have space for that. But if you do, if people feel like that's important to them, or they do you do you mine is just more based on having casual encounters with other people in a respectful, loving way. But we're not going to continue to build it. We might see them again, but we're not trying to go into like boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever friend space. We're friends with benefits basically. And sometimes it's one time, sometimes it's multiple times. Thank you for clarifying.

Okay guys, that was fabulous. I love having you here. Okay, so we're going to get into where we can find you. But first we're going to ask you the five quickie questions we ask all of our guests. But I know you guys got it. Ready? Okay, you can answer one at a time. Biggest turn on. Pussy massage.

Words of affirmation. Biggest turn off. Shaming. Well, not worshiping my pussy. What makes good sex? Freedom. Okay, everyone just so you know, if you go listen to that episode,

our first time on Emily's show that is on there, you'll understand where that came from. And it's not from Braveheart. I'm just saying open-mindedness. That's really what I was going for, but freedom too. Oh yeah, willingness to work together. Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships.

You are not broken, you are amazing. Your pleasure is just as worthy and important as everyone else's pleasure. What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex? You are not broken. You are incredible and amazing, and you can have the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex? You are not broken. You are incredible and amazing. And you can have the sex life that you want, that you dream of. Your pleasure is just as worthy as the pleasure of everyone else

that you're being intimate with. There's there. There's no hierarchy of pleasure. Love it. Thank you, Amy. April for being here. Tell us how we can find you, get your book, Shameless Sex. So you listen to your podcast. Go tell us everything. Comes out November 14th. We're so excited. It's a Tuesday. Obviously, it's see you next Tuesday. We drop a new episode wherever to your podcast, go. Tell us everything. Comes out November 14th, we're so excited. It's a Tuesday, obviously, see you next Tuesday. We drop a new episode wherever we're podcasting or listening

and we drop a new episode every Tuesday and the book will be everywhere books are sold. It's actually available for pre-order right now. So if you're listening to this, pre-orders are super important, Emily, you know. Super important, just do it. You know you're gonna want it, you're gonna get it, do it now, click it now.

Yeah, we have free, you get free gifts from us when you do it. You do, we made this amazing, Amy and I put together this. Lava stamp? The stamp you're gonna get? Yeah, okay got it. But it's a little, it's a workshop that teaches you how to spice up your sex life and it's free, only exclusively for folks that pre-order the book.

And it's beautifully shot and it's like three segments that give you tips on giving and receiving, and that's free. It's a little provocative too. It's provocative and sexy. We're really passionate about, obviously, our book that we wrote for two years, but about spreading the word to people that don't have access or are unaware

that you can have shameless sex, or as Emily has, smart sex. The more we grow, the more shameless sex and sex positivity grows. And our book, we feel it really is the guide or book that we wish that we had when we were all ages and beyond. Teenager to 20s to 30s to now 40s,

and I know I will continue to wrap it up. When I'm in my 50s, 60s and 70s, although we wrote it so we already have it. But it's for anyone. Yeah, it's for anyone and everyone. And it's designed to be revisited again and again and again. So it's not just, read it one time, although you could do that,

but here I have an issue or something that feels like a problem. So you access it and it's a choose your own adventure guide everyone. So choose your own pleasure path, sorry, but similar to choose your own adventure books, not fictional though, if you've all dated myself, this is like the 20 year old's like, what's that?

Where you're like, you know, reading a story. It's still a classic. Yeah, like April, we'll use the example of the Abominable Snowman. They are like, oh, the Abominable Snowman. Do you want the Abominable snowman to jump off a bridge? Do you want the abominable snowman to, I don't know, blast off to outer space?

This is about your sex life, but you choose the outcome that you want and you desire. So instead of us telling you, like, here's my issue. I can't orgasm during penetrative sex. Instead of saying, here's what you do, it's what's the outcome you want. Do you want to learn how to communicate better? Do you want to discover your body, et cetera, x, y, z?

And if you want this, go to this page. If you want this, read on. And so we're helping you to focus on where you wanna go. And then we give you a lot of tools and ideas on how to get there. And so maybe you clear that one, but then six months later, there's a new thing that pops up. So you access it again.

And again, it's designed to be there for you whenever you need it. And it's fun and playful. And we can credit April to most of the humor because she's fucking hilarious most of the time. It's great. It's so well done. So I'm under rapid fire.

I'm terrified. Yeah, me too. I just realized. You guys are great. And I love that it's such a helpful tool for people just to get and to answer their questions at any time. That is so clever and well done. Congratulations.

Thank you. Thank you, Emily. Thanks for being here. We don't wanna leave. We love you so much. We love you so much. We love you so much. We love you so much.

We love you so much. We love you so much. We love you so much. We love you so much. We love you so much. We love you so much. We love you so much. That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily. And if you love this show, please like, subscribe, and leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. And hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something. It usually does.

You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and X, it's all at Sex With Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at SexWithEmily.com for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure. Skincare you sip? Here's why I'm hooked. A few months ago, I started sipping Peek's Radiant Skin Duo and wow, my skin looked brighter and clearer and more hydrated and that glow, it's just, it's unreal. And get this, I didn't change a single product on my shelf. I just

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