Sex With Emily - How to Spice Up Your Masturbation Routine

Episode Date: December 8, 2023

Solo sex is an integral part of being sexually healthy. But how do you spice up your masturbation routine? And how do you get rid of shame surrounding solo sex? I get into all this and more in today��s Best Of episode, including: the health benefits of masturbation, common masturbation fantasies, and whether or not your vibrator is desensitizing your clitoris.In this episode, you’ll learn:How often the SWE community has solo sexHow to practice mindful masturbationHow to establish a healthy masturbation routineSee the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.Show Notes:2023 Holiday Gift Guide: My Top Picks for the Hottest Holidays Ever2023 Shop With Emily Gift GuideHow to Find the G-SpotSexy Stocking Stuffers & How to Use ThemMorgasm CBD Arousal Lubricant (45% off sitewide, code EMILY for an additional 15% off)Edging 101 & Other GuidesSHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $69)The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureWant more? Sex With Emily: HomeLet’s get social: Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | TikTok Let’s text: Sign Up HereWant me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What I always think is a really important thing about masturbation is it just makes you more sexually self-aware. You understand your own body, you know it feels good, you know the lay of the land, and you also get really valuable information about what you like. So then when a partner says, what do you like, what turns you on, how do you like to be touched, you have an answer. You know how your body works. partner says, what do you like, what turns you on, how do you like to be touched? You have an answer. You know how your body works.

You're not waiting for a partner to come in and figure it out for you like I was. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Solo sex is an integral part of being sexually healthy. But how do you spice up your masturbation routine? And how do you get rid of shame surrounding solo sex? Well, I get into all this and more in today's best of episode, including the health benefits of masturbation, common masturbation fantasies, and whether or not your vibrator is desensitizing your clitoris. Please rate and review Sex with Emily

wherever you listen to the show. And this recent review, because we read all your reviews, this is from Sam, who's question we answered on the show. Wow, thanks, Emily. It was so great to hear my question on the show and my wife actually listened with me and expressed a lot of support. Well, we'll see what happens,

but no matter what, thanks so much. Thank you, Sam, and thank you. We will be reading your reviews. And I just want to remind you that the more you review our show, the more people will get to see this episode because of the algorithms. It means that it's just going to be in front of more people. And that means that all your friends and lovers and family

will be having more sex positive information serve their way. So thank you all. Oh, and while you're at it, as long as you're there, just subscribe to the Sex with Emily podcast. You just have to press subscribe. And you'll have a missing as you're there, just subscribe to the Sex with Emily podcast. You just have to press subscribe.

And then you'll have a miss an episode. Mighty articles, how to find the G-Spot and sexy stocking stuffers are up on sexwithemlee.com. You're all loving our articles, so please, uh, read them and appreciate them. Send them to a friend. Send to your lover. It's really great sexting to send an article to your partner. I was reading this. What do you think?

It's hot. I don't know, I do it. It's I was like, I was really missed. What do you think? It's hot. I don't know. I do it. It's just me, but I highly recommend it. And if you haven't seen them yet, I have two holiday gift guides out right now. Once on my sex with Emily website has all my favorites, sex toys, red light face masks, custom perfumes. There's 50 items in total for your self-care wellness and pleasure needs.

And the other one is on my shop with Emily's site. And it just all my go-to sex toy recommendations to spice up the holiday season. You can find that one in shopsexwithemily.com but I will link both in the show notes. All right everyone, enjoy this episode. I have a secret to share. It is a secret so small yet so powerful.

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Today we're looking at how masturbation benefits you. I mean, this is your solo sex we're talking about. So we're asking you, how can you get more out of it? And more specifically, how you can mix up your current masturbation routine to make your orgasms deeper, the experience more erotic, learn more about your body, more exploratory, and new body parts to pay attention to. Let's get into it, right? Why masturbate? So let's do a little state of the uni-night masturbation. And this is what you all told me on Instagram about your masturbation practice, because I wanted to know.

I asked how often you masturbate, and 38% of you said every damn day, 49% said once or twice a week, 11% once a month, 18% barely and never. So, I like this. You guys are out there masturbating. Those are some good numbers.

I asked the penis owners, do you masturbate regularly? You said yes, 86%. No, it's 14%. I asked love owners, do you masturbate regularly? And you said yes, 74%. 26% no. So yeah, after reading all those, would I again find the most fascinating?

Why are we so quiet about it? You know, like, why don't we want to talk to our partners about it? Why is it so shameful? Why is it to be so mystery? And I think that's why we've so many problems with it is because we think it's shameful or we shouldn't be doing it. Sometimes we get jealous of our partners' masturbation or we think we have to hide it because it's just really, really misunderstood. Why should you masturbate? I understand. Maybe you've issues with it. You've got shame around it. A lot of you say, I don't need to masturb it because I have a partner.

Well, let's get into why. Well, first, I think we all know it can be really, really pleasurable. But if this will help you move along your masturbation routine, there's also proven health benefits to having a regular masturbation practice. So if you have penis masturbation, we'll lower your prostate cancer risk. That's a good one, right? Toned your pelvic floor muscles, which helps penis owners

with erectile dysfunction can also help you regulate premature deculation. And for love owners, it can help with urinary incontinence, which is very common after having a baby, also, strengthens your pelvic floor muscles, and helps everybody, no matter what body part you have, it helps you have more intense orgasms. It also boosts your immunity it helps you have more intense orgasms.

It also boosts your immunity, helps you fall asleep faster, and isn't mood booster? We'd think about it, don't you feel great after you have an orgasm? It's because you get that incredible chemical cocktail of endorphins, oxytocin, serotonin. But also, what I always think is a really important thing about masturbation is it just makes you more sexually self-aware.

You understand your own body, you know it feels good, you know the lay of the land, and you also get really valuable information about what you like. So then when a partner says, what do you like, what turns you on, how do you like to be touched, you have an answer. You know how your body works. You're not waiting for a partner to come in and figure it out for you like to be touched? You have an answer. You know how your body works. You're not waiting for a partner to come in and figure it out for you like I was. I waited a long time until I realized that I had to do the work and I had to figure out what I wanted. So right now, just know that when you're masturbating, it's something you can share with a current

partner or a future partner. Which is why I like to call it solo sex. I don't know. It's thing about masturbations, just that word, you're like, oh, God, masturbation, but it's solo sex. If you think about it, it falls under the larger umbrella of sex itself. It's something that you're doing for yourself, by yourself, unless you're doing mutual masturbation, but mutual masturbation, you can do it the partner, but it's still a solo experience. You're still getting off on yourself and learning about yourself. The next thing I want to talk about is mixing up your masturbation routine. So it seems like a lot of you do masturbate. Maybe you want some ways to elevate your experience because just like sex with a partner, it can get a little rote. You do the same thing, you hit it and quit it,

you just do it to get it over with. So if you're curious about what else is out there, and I encourage you to be curious about it, I hear from a lot of you that you just want to expand beyond purely clitoral stimulation. You want to explore your G-spot or G-area, you know, have you explored your nipples to see what feels good for you if you can have like a nipple gasm. So I love G-spot stimulators, G-spot vibrators. And penis owners, have you tried sex toys at all? Have you ever done it? Well, the world is your oyster. I recommend like vibrating penis rings, prostate massagers. Just try something different.

We're talking about elevating it. So if you've never used a toy, or you never use a product, I understand that your hand feels great. But this whole notion that your hand is the only way you should orgasm. You should only orgasm with a partner. It's just kind of silly. Think about it, it feels good. Something different, why not try it? A lot of you ask me about anal sex and anal play,

and I just think that when you're alone is a great time to practice, like you don't have to wait for a partner. So what you do is you do what you're doing during masturbation, but you can also in just a sort of finger, but you can't insert a toy, and then when you orgasm, you train your sphincter muscles to clench when it's happening. So that's how you can learn what really feels good to you if you're not ready to bring in a partner, which I think is a great way to start. You can see if you can have an anal orgasm. You can also try edging. We have a great edging guide on our site at sexbelemly.com.

It's a free downloadable guide that will just teach you about lasting longer. That's what edging is all about. These are just some new ways to mix it up if you haven't thought about before. New neural pathways to pleasure. Even if you're just using your non-dominant hand, if you always use your left hand, use your right hand. Experiment with different pressures and speed and like try out different ways. If you always masturbate in your back, masturbate in your stomach, just how do you make it a little bit more fresh, a little bit more surprising?

How do you do something different? Okay, finally, before I get into your questions, let's talk about mindful masturbation. I'm going to give you a challenge and I challenge you to perform mindful masturbation. So mindful masturbation is a little different than regular masturbation than this. You're good old, what you do in all the time, but mindful masturbation, the goal here is exploration, not orgasm. Although what I have found is that you likely will orgasm, but you don't have to focus on it.

Because when you take the pressure off of like chasing this orgasm, this is when the real exploration happens. So mindful masturbation is truly about aligning your breath with your solo sex, clearing your mind, going slow, paying attention to all the sensations that are arising in your body. So how you do is you want to breathe slowly, you want to aim for six, six breaths per minute. So you just want to breathe more deeply from the belly.

That is key here now to relaxing the vagus nerve. So you're expanding your abdomen and as you inhale, you're widening your ribcage. That's all it is. You're expanding as you inhale and then exhale longer than you inhale. That's all. You could even inhale for three counts, exhale for four counts. So it makes sure that your exhale is a little bit longer and that's going to help you relax. And why this is important is because I'm trying to get you into a mindful meditative state. You're focusing on the sensations in your body. You're focusing on your breath.

You're noticing what feels good to you. It's not so much about fantasy or watching porn or going off in your mind and something. It's about focusing and saying present to what is in the moment so you can learn about your body and you can expand your pleasure. So you also want to try some sensory stimulation. Think about your likes to do so yourself. So you're letting a candle, you're burning incense, you're putting on your favorite playlist. Maybe you're having some wine or like a bite of chocolate and the goal is we're getting

out of our head and into your body. And remember, as you explore, don't go right for your genitals. Okay? They might not be tournament and ready. This is about exploring different erogenous zones like your neck, your nipples, your inner thighs. You can play with some ice cubes or body-safe candle wax, you know, like try paying attention to everything that you're feeling in the moment.

Tease yourself with touch, with toys, and then you can get into touching your genitals, figuring out, and pay attention to what you're noticing. And just get curious, like, oh, I didn't realize that my left side of my clitoris is a little bit more sensitive than my right side, or my hand feels really good on my balls. You know, what are you noticing?

And then as you wrap up, try this. Meditate, masturbate, manifest. So as you're in this, you're deep in the moment, you're having your solo sex session. And then you use that energy to think about your day, your intentions, like what is your goal for the day? What do you want to happen? This is really pretty cool.

And then when you are thinking that your orgasm can coincide with your manifestation. Like think about what I want to achieve today this week, this month, and that becomes part of your practice. All right. Who's in? Let's talk about what you fantasize about during masturbation. So I asked you also on Instagram. I wanted to know like what do you fantasize about because listen, having a rich healthy fantasy life is part of being sexually healthy overall. So I'm not knack in fantasies, so I'm just saying it's really good to kind of try something a little more mindful

and then play with fantasy. So here's what you fantasize about. You fantasize about past hot encounters, being slightly submissive, receiving oral sex, three sums with my FWB, not my husband, passionate oral sex, full attention. A lot of you say the last experience you had. Someone else said group sex. Someone else said mutual masturbation in my partner and my favorite thing.

Well, another one you said I clear my mind, hashtag zen. Someone else said varies, but often shower sex. My crush who barely knows I exist. My boyfriend having sex with someone else, it's common fantasy. Fairly vanilla sex, usually involving some form of penetration, slow button tents, given head or getting getting head being with an enthusiastic partner Someone else said I usually relax and focus on how I feel or a picture getting it from behind while looking in a big mirror So I hope this inspires all of you to kind of lean into your masturbation routine Maybe you got inspired to elevate it and just I want you all to recognize that masturbation is part of self-care.

Truly, it is part of loving yourself. Masturbation is sex with someone you love, and that is you, and you deserve it. And I promise you the more you masturbate, it will help you be more sexually healthy overall and feel more comfortable with your body. There's a lot of benefits. Don't go away, we'll be right back

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It has high quality ingredients. And just a reminder, massage candles are very specific. You light it, smells amazing. You wait for the oil to pool, it's wax, but it's really oil. And then once you blow it out, you pour it on your partner's body and it's just warm and sensual and it's just a wonderful experience.

So you are one of those, head over to shopsectorthemly.com slash Dame right now and get your Dame, calm wand, arc, palm or Eva and you get a free wild less massage candle with your order. That's a $40 value. And remember you get free shipping on all orders over $69. But hurry, this offers only valid until December 8th or until supplies last. Go to shopsextrotemily.com slash day and right now to get the perfect gifts. Trust me, you do not want to miss out on this. This is from Daphne 22 in the Netherlands. Hey, Dr. Emily, my partner and I've been together

for three years. And for a while now, we haven't been having a lot of sex. My drive seems to be a lot higher than his, so I end up going for long periods where I feel unsatisfied sexually. We're talking about this, so we've tried the yes, no, maybe less, and I hope that won't prove. But my main question is about masturbation for women. As a way of shifting my mindset around sex and our relationship, I think I need to try masturbation to satisfy my needs and see if this will help. I do masturbate sometimes, but I notice every time there's a sense of shame or disgust at myself when I do. I start off wanting to touch myself but halfway through

my mind shifts and I have to stop because it just feels gross. I think because of this, I do under the blankets and with sweatpants on, I also watch porn, but certain triggers make me want to stop which makes it difficult, For example, if the woman seems to not be fully enjoying it or seems forced to do anything, I just want to stop. How can I get a better relationship with myself and touch you myself? I want to not be grossed out by my own desires and thoughts. Thank you. All right, let's talk about this, definitely. God, this is a great way to start off questions here because I think it's really, really common, no matter what your gender, I hear from a lot of you,

that you just feel shame about your practice. You know, you do it and then right after you're like, you feel awful. And shame comes from a lot of different places. It can be psychological, it can be trauma-based, it can be cultural generational, come from your early messages you heard about masturbation, but there's just so much shame around masturbation

and it's just very common. So I want you to first ask yourself, can you remember, can you think about where this source of shame comes from? This is the first step. Was it your culture, your religion? Maybe you just thought that women shouldn't masturbate because I'm telling you, when I was growing up, I only saw men masturbating.

I only thought, penis is masturbated and I didn't even know it was an option. So think about that. And then getting to this source is really key because what you realize it and you guys, oh, that's not me talking to myself. That is the messages from society. I am now an adult woman and I deserve pleasure. And then you can kind of come up with some affirmations. I could try doing it every day, writing on affirmations about you could just say, like, I am a sexual being and I deserve a pleasure. And it's okay for me to touch myself.

That's how I'm going to learn about myself, flip your negative statements into positive. So that's the first thing. And then over time, start to run yourself with more sex positive people, sex positive messaging. I'm so glad you listened to this podcast because I think that since most of us just never talk about sex, we don't hear about sex. And all we hear is really limited. It sounds like you grew up in a place where it wasn't okay. So now the more you fill your ears and your mind

and your time, it's just sex positive people and messages, you're gonna be able to flip this around. I would recommend the mindful masturbation practice for you which is more about like breaths and getting to know yourself. Take time to breathe when you stop masturbating. Like you said, you just want to stop. You don't have to leave the room. You can say, okay, this is my old messaging and then breathe and then go be present and ground

yourself in your senses and remind yourself that you're doing something healthy and you're doing something for yourself and you're doing something for your pleasure. So it's going to take time, please be patient and also know this. You don't have to just rely on random porn that you find. I understand that maybe some of the porn you're watching doesn't feel consensual, but you can try to like source your own erotica. Audio erotica can be really hot. So just remember be kind to yourself and wish you so much love on this journey, Daphne. So you got this. This is from Mani33 in San Diego.

Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm currently single and not involved with anyone sexually right now. Masterbation's gone to point more. It's just not that exciting. Nothing compared to having sex with a person. I've used all the great toys out there for men and I've done all that self-care stuff when you look at yourself in the mirror

and tell yourself how sex you are while masturbating. I'm trying to get away from visual aids like porn and websites that show girls that are nothing but tens because I believe it puts the wrong expectations in my head. Bottom line is that while I have all this single time to myself, how can I make masturbation fun again? I'm only masturbating maybe once a week but I want to do it more and look forward to it. I'm just tired of the fantasy and want something real. Please help. All right, Manny, love your question here. And I love that you, God, you really must be listening to the show or you really just, I love that you're a ground to play to this. And you realize it, yeah, I could keep masturbating the same way forever. or I can learn to expand my sexual repertoire.

So here's some ways that you can mix up your masturbation routine. Ready? This is for penises specifically. Well, first, you can change the position you masturbate in. Because listen, and this goes for a vulva on her's too, but likely you've masturbated in the same position. So if you're always standing, you can lay in your back. If you sit, you can stand, you can use your left hand instead of your right hand. Just try the positions. You could also masturbate. If you work out, it's great to masturbate after you work out because we release really good hormones when you're working out like adrenaline and dopamine and your dolphins are high at that point. So your blood flow is great. Your pelvic floor muscles are relaxed, that's a great time to master rate. Explore some other areas like the taint or the perineum. So

the perineum is between the penis and the anus and has so many nerve endings. And so you can also put some vibrating sex toy there while touching your penis. With your other hand, you could stroke your perineum, which provides indirect stimulation to your prostate which could feel really good as well. You could try a masturbation sleeve, and play with it or play like I mentioned. So much fun to kind of see how it feels to play with toys. Those are some tests for you to mix it up.

I wish you many a very happy masturbation month, and I want to hear how it goes with you mixing it up, okay? Stay in touch. This is from Emily 26 in Seattle. Hey Dr. Emily, I'm a long time listener, first time writer. I'm not sure if you've answered this question before, but sometimes when I'm having sex with my male partner, I have trouble reaching orgasm.

Using a vibrator in my clitoris helps, but sometimes I still can't seem to get it. He suggested that maybe I desensitized my clitoris from overuse of my vibrator, is that possible? Is my clitoris desensitized from myitoris from overuse of my vibrator is that possible. Is my clitoris desensitized from my overusing during masturbation and penetrative sex? All right, I'm glad you were asking this question

because I can't answer enough. You're not gonna harm your vagina by using a vibrator. We all get set in our ways, right? There's like a habit. You're doing the same thing over and over again, and you're always using this vibrator. So yes, you're nerve-edding, your body, you're you get used to organizing me in the same way. It does not desensitize. But what you need to do

is just take a break. Take a break from your vibrator and start exploring sensation and pleasure in other ways that can help teach you out of orgasm without as much of a reliance on a vibrator. So like just like with sex, it's important to try new ways and new techniques to discover ways to get yourself off. Listen, if you like your vibrator that's awesome to try new ways, new techniques, discover ways to get yourself off. Listen, if you like your vibrator that's awesome, you can also use it with your partner, but like what else can feel good to you, like with your partner going down on you,

maybe a lighter touch, maybe using your vibrator in different places, like holding your vibrator over your pubic mound and not directly on your clitoris. That can feel really good too because it's indirectly stimulating your G-spot and can also stimulate your labia if you just like place it in other places. So I would just start with like masturbating

with your hands directly and then maybe bringing your toy. So I think it's just important to find a balance between your hands and your vibrator. Then you can integrate the two, you can start with a lower vibration, you can tease yourself a little bit and get really turned on and then bring the vibrator, switch to your fingers, go back and forth, just look at it as like something fun

and not the goal of being orgasm, the goal of exploration. Over these years that I've been talking about this, I've definitely learned new ways to orgasm. I use to think I can only do it this way with this vibrator. I got stuck too. But then I use to think I can only do it this way with this vibrator. I got stuck too. But then I realize that I can figure out other ways and not be reliant, but it takes a little bit of work like everything else, right?

You know, you could order food to be delivered every day or you could learn to cook. You're still getting nutrition. You're still getting the nutrients. You're still eating a meal. But in one way, you're kind of learning how to do it yourself. And the other way, you know, you're just using a toy. But you're getting the same result.

And for the record, I've never learned to cook. And I'm okay either way. This is from NOAA 33 in California. Hi, Dr. Emily. I love the show. It's been a great way for both my wife and I to grow in our sexuality. After growing up in an evangelical purity culture, I'm now coming to a period where I am growing my understanding of sexuality.

Part of that is in my masturbation. I recently listened to your episodes about masturbation and many aspects resonate with me, but I am struggling with where the balance is. You talk about healthy self-love, but there was also a moment that you mentioned someone's partner possibly being addicted to form. You also mentioned in previous episodes that sometimes when men masturbate too much, they develop a need for a specific rhythm and pressure that they can only fulfill with their own hand. So, with this new awakening and lack of shame with my masturbation and viewing porn, which my wife has expressed perfectly okay with, I'm also wondering how to know if and when

I'm developing unhealthy habits. Oh, Noah! Well, I'm just so happy that you've gotten to this place on your journey where you are growing and understanding your sexuality and you realize that shame is something from the past and you can learn to overcome it. Talk about it with your wife and experimenting on your own. And I understand like, this is all true. That sometimes when men masturbate, they do develop a need for a specific rhythm and

pressure. We call it the death grip. And so I hear this a lot of men who are like not able to orgasm with a partner, they could only orgasm in a way, and that's because you always master rate the same way with the same hand doing the same thing, which is why we're also talking about mixing up in this episode so that doesn't happen to you. So that absolutely can happen. And what you do is you have to learn to try something different so you can rewire the pathways in your brain and learn other ways that you can orgasm. But I don't feel like that's you.

You're a grown man and you're starting a new, but again, that is true. And to answer your question about porn, yes, you can become reliant on porn. Well, how do you know that? You absolutely need porn to be on anytime you're sexual. You need to be watching it, looking at it. You need to be thinking about it. And it also becomes a problem when you are too reliant on these methods anytime you're sexual, you need to be watching it, looking at it, you need to be thinking about it. And it also becomes a problem when you are too reliant on these methods and you're like, I can't really get off with my partner.

If there's consequences to your masturbation routine, like I said, you can't masturbate anymore, you're no longer turned on by your wife, you need to keep escalating and escalating. Like you're watching this kind of porn, now you need to watch more extreme porn. You know, you just need all of these things to orgasm and to get in the mood. That's when you're gonna know. But I think you are so mindful and you're so on top of this stuff, Noah,

and you're really doing this in such a beautiful way that I don't think you are a risk factor for any of this. But if you're still worried, you know that I'm not going anywhere, Noah, and I will be here for you. Hopefully this helped you and so many of our listeners. That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and

share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationship to call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.

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