Sex With Emily - How to Talk To Teens About Sex

Episode Date: May 31, 2022

If you’re a parent or caregiver, should you talk to your child about masturbation? Yes. You absolutely should, even if it’s awkward, even if your own parents didn’t talk about it with you. (And let’s be real: they probably didn’t.) But I get it – finding the words can be hard, especially for such a touchy subject. That’s why today’s episode is devoted entirely to giving you tools, scripts and resources to help you.First, I give you the big why: Why should you talk to your children, and teens specifically, about masturbation? I’ll give you several science-backed reasons why it’s wise to do so. Next, we’ll do some masturbation myth-busting, to help alleviate any concerns, on their part or yours, that it’s harmful or unhealthy. Great news: it’s not! And finally, I’ll walk you through how to have this conversation, with specific verbiage you can use to help put yourself and your child at ease. Don’t worry caregivers: I got you, and in this episode I’ll also answer your questions about teens and sex. Should you talk to your teen about ethical porn? What should you do if a teen daughter starts asking about sex toys? All this and more on today’s show. Show Notes:Sex Positive Families: Website | InstagramDr Lanae St John: Book | On Sex with EmilyShafia Zaloom: Book | On Sex with EmilyCory Silverberg: WebsiteWhat should I teach my high school-aged teen about sex and sexuality?Masturbation Pro Tips (Part 1)Masturbation Pro Tips (Part 2)The Communication Guide Big MouthSex Education Good Vibrations Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Most of you are going to get addicted to masturbation. As far as frequency, some people masturbate often, every day, more than once a day, some people masturbate once a week, every few weeks, every now and then, some people never masturbate and listen. That's fine too. I'm not a masturbation pusher, I just want you to be informed. All of these are totally normal. A masturbation only becomes too much, so you can use the word addicted if you'd like, if there's consequences. If it gets the way of your job, your responsibilities,

your social life, your relationships, that's how we know there's a problem. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. If your parents are caregiver, should you talk to your child about masturbation? Yes, you absolutely should, even if it's awkward. And even if your own parents didn't talk about it with you, and let's be real, they probably didn't. But I get it. Finding the words can be hard, especially for such a touchy subject.

Well, that's why today's episode is devoted entirely to giving you tools, scripts, and resources to help you. First,, and resources to help you. First, I give you the big why. Like, why should you talk to your children and teens specifically about masturbation? Well, I give you several science-backed reasons why it's wise to do so. Next, we'll do some masturbation, myth-busting to help alleviate any concerns on their part or yours. You know that it's harmful or unhealthy.

And great news, it's not. And finally, I'll walk you through how to have this Conversation with specific verby as you can use to help put yourself and your child at ease Don't worry caregivers. I got you and in this episode I'll also answer your questions about teens and sex. Should you talk to your teen about ethical porn? What should you do if your teen daughter starts asking for sex toys? All this and more on today's show.

All right, intentions with Emily, join me in setting intention for the show. I do it, I encourage you to do it. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? How could it help you? Well, my intention is to demystify puberty and masturbation to let you know that self-exploration

is normal and healthy. But my other intention is to empower you to approach this topic confidently. So you have credibility with your child and enable them to experience a stage of life without shame. That's the goal. Please rate and review Sex with the Emily wherever you listen. My new article How to Find the Best Loop for you is up at sexwithemily.com and check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice.

If you want to ask me questions, believe me or your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com. You can also call my hotline [phone]. Always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. And you can change your name if you want to remain anonymous, not a problem. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. Today's show is about talking to your teens, kids, about masturbation. So first let's just start. Why this conversation could be beneficial and I would argue is beneficial.

So why talk to your teen about masturbation and remember any teen in your life. It could be your child, it could be your niece, your nephew, your neighbor. And here's why. When we open up this conversation about masturbation, we're going to take away all that secrecy and shame that a lot of us still harbor till this day around masturbation. So the goal of this is to help your teen understand that masturbation is just a normal, healthy behavior without shame. And for them to understand a positive understanding of self-touch is truly one of the best ways

to help young people get to know their bodies. So when they do become sexually active, more sexually active, as adults, they'll just have more information and they'll be able to have much more healthier, communicative sex lives, which is probably why a lot of you are listening to the show now, so I want to help you bridge this gap. A lot of us were never talked about masturbation. So that's why

we're doing this show here because listen, they're going to masturbate. So many studies have shown that girls and boys start masturbating between 13 and 14 and some a lot younger than that. But regardless of when they start talking about masturbation with your child just helps to further normalize it. So they don't feel like it's a dirty shameful thing that they have to hide, which is side note why there's a lot of penis owners who are premature ejaculators because perhaps they were masturbating the shower and they felt like their mother was always going to walk in or was a very secretiveive thing or young women talk about their first masturbation experience was like rubbing against her stuffed animal

and again that starts with shame. So this earlier we can talk about it, the better we can make it a healthy activity. So when we also talk to our teens about masturbation, this opens the floor to talk about other related topics, like sex, consent, and pleasure. So maybe I could think of this masturbation conversation like an on-ramp to other

important conversation highways. There's a great group called sex-positive families, and the founder explained the benefits of talking to young people about masturbation, just simply when young people are more informed and confident about their bodies, they are better positioned to advocate for consensual, safer, and more pleasurable sex as an adult. And we do know that masturbation is the safest sex there is out there. So going back to sex, consent, and pleasure, we talk about our sex education right now in the States. Most places we mostly just talk about sexual health. Don't get pregnant, don't get nested, but in places where they do teach comprehensive sex

said, this is what they talk about, sex consent pleasure. So let's get into it. I think there is a fear of talking to our teens about masturbation because we just think well, it's a gateway. It's a slippery slope. I talked to the about masturbation today and tomorrow they're going to be pregnant and having orgies. So what we do instead is a lot of parents default to silence.

We just, we don't want to be open with them. And a lot of times you don't even know what to say. But remember, when we have this conversation, you're helping your child lay the foundation for healthy sex practices going forward. Let's talk about porn, for example. Some of the teens are raised with a smartphone in their hand or an iPad in their hand.

So that means there are rousal inputs So many teens are raised with a smartphone in their hand or an iPad in their hand. So that means there are rousal inputs, came at a very young age, and their rousal inputs might include porn and social media. And according to the American Academy of Pediatrics, adolescents are exposed to 14,000 sexual references a year in media, whether or not they're even watching porn. And I am not here at all to demonize porn, but I just want you to note this. That if mainstream porn is their first or primary form of sex ad, it just might be an unrealistic picture of what part of sex is supposed to look like, and then if consequences

they just didn't intend. What I mean by this is, let's say they're only seeing porn, and so they're seeing a lot of heterosexual acts, sex only one way, they're not seeing the warm-up, the lubrication, the foreplay, the talks about consent, the starting, the stopping, and so if they're not hearing anything about what real sex actually is, they're making assumptions that every sexual image

they've seen 14,000 is actually what sex is, so you now get to give them the facts and a place to turn. And they do have questions. So let's talk about consent for a minute. So another reason to talk to your kids is to make sure they understand the concepts of affirmative consent and unsafe touch. And teaching them what words to use when communicating what they want is a critical life skill, beyond sex,

just knowing what they want and what feels good. And then being able to tell someone that is what I talked to a lot of you about every day as fully formed adults. Now some schools are starting to teach affirmative consent, but here's a basic overview. How we can teach consent is it must be informed, voluntary, and active. So remember IVA, meaning that through the demonstration of clear words or actions, a person has indicated permission, has given permission to engage in a mutually agreed upon sexual encounter.

So in other words, rather than we do your know, listen for a yes before you participate in sexual acts. An example of consent might be, I want to do this right now. And non-consent is, I want to do this, but not right now. Or no, I don't want to do this. So just teaching your teen how to give and receive a furrowing of consent and communicate about their sex and their bodies is laying the groundwork for a lifetime of healthier and safer relationships.

Now how they're teaching this in schools is kids like his young is kindergarten or totally you have to have permission for a hug or a permission to hold someone's hand. We're just talking about touch. We're talking about do you want to be touched right now? Is it okay? This is where you might be seeing this in schools right now is teaching consent at younger and younger ages, which I think is really important. And setting our kids up for success. Now pleasure. Let's talk about the pleasure piece. Those are the reason why self-pleasure is synonymous with masturbation is because it feels so good. So when we bring up any masturbation

conversation, when we talk about touch, It can help children better understand consent, masturbation and pleasure. If you have younger children, you can help them start to build an awareness of what tactile pleasure feels like. So you could say something like, when you're at the beach, do you like how the sand feels on your toes?

I do it tickles, or the breeze on your face. What does that feel like? So using feeling words with your kids and saying, how does something feel? Does it face. What does that feel like? So using feeling words with your kids and saying, how does it think feel? Does it feel good? Does it feel bad? You can also talk to your children for hugs. So, you know, when they're too young, this is another way to model consent. Like I said, may I hug you right now? If they say, no, I don't want to hug, then you respect their wishes. Now, this speaks volumes to a child that they get to say yes or no receiving touch from other people. And I know this has been controversial,

and I just meant that they do this in schools right now. I remember a friend of mine was doing this with her child at a young age like do you want me to change your diaper? And I think that there was a controversy and people like oh that's a crazy thing and I understand this is not something that is very well understood and you get to do this at whatever age you want with your kid in an act any of these things. But I'm trying to drill down for you why we do it. We do it so we can all have agency over our own bodies, our own decisions.

And I can just tell even in talking to you about this, I so wish I knew more about this when I was younger. I could actually decide what felt good because then I wouldn't have had years of performative sex and faking orgasms and pretending things were okay when they weren't. That's why this talk, well, it's a lot that you might not have thought about or covered before, why it's so crucial to start having these conversations. And as your kids get older, you'll start having these more direct conversations around masturbation and addressing the pleasure component.

Remember, when we're talking about masturbation, the reason why we masturbate is because it releases all these feel good chemicals in the brain. You might say like less clinical than that, you know, you have to say it so you can say masturbation is one of the many things people do for pleasure and self-care and it's totally normal, safe and healthy to enjoy it. And tone is everything here. I'm going to give you scripts momentarily, but it's your delivery. So make sure it feels authentic to you. So remember why we're having this conversation. It's going to create a larger dialogue around sexuality, consent, and pleasure

with your teen in your life. And by sharing what you know, you're letting them know that they've got healthy options for sexual exploration and that not everything they see online is how sex is supposed to go down. So let's get into masturbation, myths and facts. So you probably know what masturbation is, but let's say your child walks up to you and says, what's masturbation? Here's some words you can borrow. Masturbation is when people touch their bodies for sexual pleasure. Usually it's their genitals, but you can explore other areas.

Now sometimes there's an orgasm, sometimes not. And what an orgasm is, it's going to feel really, really good. It's a spasm of your pelvic floor muscles. But if you don't have one right away, not to worry, the main goal, when you're starting out, is to explore and enjoy, because it feels good. It's a pleasure. The reason why adolescents and teens are going to experiment sexually with other or other parents' say it's okay is because of puberty.

And puberty, as we know, is a time when you're reproductive systems mature. There's hormonal changes in the body. You might notice, you know, young people experiencing wet dreams. You know when they go through puberty, we all know what that is. So that's gonna happen. Also, you might be thinking, well, my child, they were in their hands on their pants when they were a toddler, two, three years old. That happens as well, way before puberty. There's a lot of people who masturbate a really young age.

I know, I mean, people like three years old, they remember rubbing on their stuffed animal or you might notice your kids masturbating too, putting their hands on their pants a lot when they're that young. Just know that that's okay too, nothing to shame them about, but it's a self soothing. It feels good to rub against a stuffed animal.

For vulva owners, they might start to feel something in a young age and for young penis, putting their hands on their genitals. It's common, it happens way before the age of 10. Here we're talking about puberty when you're going to have the conversation, but I also want to note, and it's a really important note, that if you do see your kids at young ages, toddlers, three, four years old, with their hands on their pants and touching themselves, you could say, yes, that does feel good, sweetie. I know it feels good.

And just remember that's the only thing that you should do. I don't want anyone else to be touching you there. And let's do it in private. You know, like we eat our meals in the kitchen and we watch TV in the living room and you touch your body in your bedroom, all right? And whatever it is, whenever they do it, whenever they're touching through the genitals,

no matter what age they are. Remember, my whole goal here is to support them, not shame them, and teach them healthy behaviors around self-touch and self-touch. Now, I get so many emails and calls from college students and even older adults, sometimes they're asking the same question, and they're concerned that they're harming themselves in some ways if they masturbate. Now let's put a few fears to rest, right? And I want to arm you with some knowledge. So a question you might get asked is masturbation harmful? On one of my recent podcasts, masturbation pro tips part one, we talked about all the health

effects associated with masturbation. And these effects are definitively the opposite of harmful. Here's why we masturbate. It helps you sleep better, boost your immune system, strengthen your pelvic floor muscles, and for this purpose of this conversation, it allows you to explore pleasure and fantasy in a private, safe context.

Another question, is it sinful or wrong to masturbate? Well, you guys decide what's sinful, but here's what's healthy and true. In addition to the health benefits you just heard, masturbation has been shown to increase self-esteem and body image, reduce stress, elevate your mood, and help you understand your sexual wants and needs. So if all those things fit into your value system, well I think we have the answer here.

Mastervation is here to complement your values. Can I get addicted to masturbation? Short answer here? No. Also touched on this in my masturbation pro tip episodes, but just suffice and say you're not going to get addicted. Now you could get habituated to a certain grip, a certain toy, a certain input, you know, like porn.

Most of you are not going to get addicted to masturbation. As far as frequency, some people masturbate often every day, more than once a day, some people masturbate once a week, every few weeks, every now and then. Some people never masturbate and listen. That's fine too. I'm not a masturbation pusher, I just want you to be informed. All of these are totally normal. A masturbation only becomes too much, so you could use the word addicted if you'd like,

if there's consequences, if it gets the way of your job, your responsibilities, your social life, your relationships. That's how we know there's a problem, but most of us are not going to experience that. A lot of us have problems with masturbation right now because we have shame around it, which is what we're trying to get rid of. The last question is, will it desensitize my clitoris if I use a vibrator? Again, this is a no. Now, if anything, here's a thing with a vibrator, it wakes up more neural pathways to pleasure. Because remember this, some of these toys are able to access deeper, more internal nerve endings than a hand or a penis or anything else alone

could access. So remember that it's not that it's substitute for it or it's a lesser kind of pleasure because you use something that vibrates or you use something external. I don't know where these messages came out that it has to only be in general or hands that are going to give us pleasure. Not true. So you know how I feel about toys and lukes. So now you know how to answer the top masturbation questions and dispel some of the information your kids might have heard. So how the hell do you kick off this conversation? And I want to remind you, the sex talk is not reserved for a singular moment.

And it should be treated as a long term ongoing conversation. It's not just one thing like, here's the talk and then we're done, check it off the list. So what it composes ideas for starting the conversation, as we can do. First, set aside time to talk to your teen alone. And you want to approach them in the calm, open manner. You might want to use by timing tone and turf advice about having healthy conversations or difficult conversations.

The timing is important when you're hanging out with your teen in a good location and a good place, you're both connecting. There's a lot of tension or stress. Your tone is like curious. And on the turf is, for this case, is anywhere that you feel that it's a neutral territory. Maybe you're going for a walk, you're in the car, you're sitting at the dinner table. It's important to use medically correct names for body parts, the penis, the vulva, the

clitoris, and avoid using euphemisms like your hoo Huha, your happy place, your private parts. Because this is just going to perpetuate the idea that sex, masturbation, and our genitals are slightly shameful. We shouldn't discuss them openly so we're going to say your private parts. And listen, I was at some friends the other night and they were talking about their kids and they were saying something about their private parts. That's what we do. Most of us default towards private parts. Huha, you know, the part that shall not be named. When we don't actually name the parts, we are starting a conversation that's just based in shame because they feel like if I can't name it, there must be something wrong with it. So that's why it's really important to use the names.

But that's a worry. You're going to do it differently. You already got this. So now you set up a certain time. You know how to use the body parts. Be direct with your teen about the purpose of the conversation. So it might sound like that. Hey, I want to talk to you at masturbation. I know this is one of those topics that might make you a little more nervous, especially coming from me. I know awkward.

But I want to talk to you about it because masturbation is a healthy part of your sexuality. And then you can explain what you're learning here. It doesn't have any negative side effects, you could reference all the myth-busting we just did, even play this episode for them. I would love if you listened to this episode with your team. Sample script might sound like, listen, even though masturbation is normal,

it's not gonna harm you. It's a little bit like being given the keys to a car without driver's education. So I'm going to give you some information to help you better understand normal, healthy masturbation. Because you think about that's what we're really doing now with our kids and sex. We're not having these conversations. We're while they're hearing till the age of 18, I'm saying this is the majority of people. They're hearing sex in the future is going to be this really cool thing. When I learn to drive, it's going to be

really cool, right? Can't wait to get my driver's license. When I learn to drive, it's going to be really cool, right? Can't wait to get my driver's license. Can't wait to have sex. But all I know about sex is, might get pregnant, might get someone pregnant. It's shameful, it's wrong. I should do it in private place. I can't talk to my parents about it. So all these years, that's what they're hearing.

And then you go off and they go to college or wherever and you know they're having sex, but you still haven't talked to them. It is the same thing as saying, here's the keys, take my car and have a good day. And you can let them know that this kind of explosion is private and you'll be respecting their privacy. And they don't have to fear a world in which you'll be snooping on them and you're going to bust in their room and you're going to shame them for it. So this conversation might sound like listen. Your body is your own. You get to decide when to touch it.

A masturbation is something people usually do in private and you'll want to find a private place like your bedroom or the shower to explore. And you can also normalize masturbation by showing your own experiences, only if you feel comfortable. And I find this part to be very, very useful. Also, okay, to say here, listen, this is new for me.

My parents didn't talk about this. I'm sure a lot of your parents, friends are not talking to you about this, but I want to do it differently. What I have said to young people in my life, I didn't learn about masturbation until my 20s. And I assumed the only way to experience sexual sensations was with a partner. That's why I'm talking to you about it now because I wanted to let you know about your options for solo sex. You might share with them that you masturbated in shame. You might share with them that you hid from masturbating or that you

felt wrong about masturbating or whatever messages you heard about it and you were disappointed because when you finally started masturbating realizing it was healthy, it was a lot later in life, right? So just be honest with them about what you know how you're still learning together. Now you can allow your child to choose whether or not they want to talk and reassure them that nothing is wrong if they've started exploring already. So I get it, your kids might say, Mom, no, Mom, Dad, I don't want to hear this, this is gross, don't talk to me about it. But it doesn't mean that you don't keep trying to talk to them again.

And say, Hey, remember that conversation we had? Because this is talk to me about it. But it doesn't mean that you don't keep trying to talk to them again and say hey, remember that conversation we had because this is all about normalizing it I don't expect there to be a great mom. I've been waiting for this conversation dad. Let's have this talk But that's what we're trying to break through here And that's what we're trying to do. We're trying to set up this so it does become normal And how things become normalized is by continuing to talk about it So another script I look like listen listen, if you've started exploring already, totally normal. When you hip-hear root of your body, it's going to give you signals that you're ready to develop this part of your health. And my hope for you is that you can explore

without shame. And then you can ask your teen if they have any questions about it. And then check in with them later to see if they've had any new questions. It could be next week, next month, but remember, it's an ongoing conversation. Now, another note is you can create an atmosphere of sex communication by weaving in intentional pop culture references like the show's Big Mouth and Sex Education. They're both on Netflix. We're going to put links to a ton of resources in our show notes. Now, remember this. Sometimes it takes a village approach, is the best way, because some teens just may not want to talk

to their parents about sex and masturbation. That's okay. It's because cultivating trusted adults in your life and uncles, adult role models can also help fill this role. I know I do this with my nieces, I've talked to them from a young age, my friends' kids, so it to them from a young age, my friends kids, so it's okay to outsource it, but I think this will also bring you and your child closer

together and you'll feel like you have more connection, you have more information and you'll be able to be a trusted source for them going forward. I've also got some great questions from all of you like how to talk to your child about porn, sex toys and more, but first, let's take a short break and we come back. We're going to tackle routine masturbation questions. How to do a masturbation? How to do a masturbation? How to do a masturbation? How to do a masturbation? How to do a masturbation?

How to do a masturbation? How to do a masturbation? Alright, this email is from Bonnie. Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm in the medical field and I have a teenage son getting ready to go to college. I've never really had a sex talk with my son other than to use protection and always have consent. The question is, what's the best way to talk to him about sex? I want to have a conversation to normalize it for him, teach him not to be a selfish lover and make sure he's taking care of his partner. Any tips? He has one girlfriend, into the best of my knowledge, he's still a virgin.

Love your podcast, thank you. All right, he's going to college and we still think he's a virgin. All right, let's talk about this. First, I love that you're asking this question about teaching your son how to become an attentive lover. Let's just add this to the list of things we talked to our kids about.

So you listen to the podcast and you know how important is to educate ourselves about how to be present and giving and loving partners. And since we know that so many young people learn about sex through porn or movies, which don't necessarily portray anyone being that attentive or listening or giving pleasure, especially to their vulva owning partners first. We don't see that. So what might work here is him telling your own story of how you learned how to become an unselfish lover.

Was there a time in your life where you weren't the most giving, where someone wasn't the most giving to you? What does it look like to be selfish versus unselfish or a generous lover? Which I love this conversation for them because then they get really understanding what you're talking about. You know, a selfish lover, for example, does the head push? Well, it cares about their orgasm. It doesn't care about the orgasm gap.

It doesn't pay attention to your needs. Like, that would be selfish. And a generous lover asks questions, pays attention. Cares about your needs. Checks in. Healthy communication. A lot of this is storytelling. Explain to them what works, what does it,

and what it looks like, being honest and authentic, and real and vulnerable, and what it looks like for you. And I think if you're having this conversation with a body, what a great time to find out if he actually has head sex. If he doesn't have information yet about any of this stuff, it's never too late to even talk about masturbation. Why it's important? Why it's healthy?

Because the absence of masturbation in sex talks shows up as shame and confusion for most people. I'm gonna say it. Any conversation you can have with them with accurate information right now, Bonnie, will be super helpful as you send them off to college. So great question, thanks, Bonnie. This is from Courtney, 29 in Australia. Hi, Dr. Emily. I have a six-year-old son who recently

discovered that playing with his penis feels good. How can I have the conversation with the gentleman's normal, but should we do it in private? That it's not only age-appropriate, but also explains the natural part of life. I definitely do know what I definitely don't want to shame and where I haven't feel what he's doing is wrong But I want to educate him and normalize sex so it's something he feels comfortable talking about Thank you. All right great question and Definitely time to start talking about these topics with your child So as a reminder use anatomical terms and give the correct information on sex So you could say I notice you touching your penis. I feel that feels good when you touch yourself,

but that's something that should be done in private. For example, in your bedroom or in the bathroom. You can let them know that at a young age. Again, you guys, to give the food example, you're not handing them a plate of food when you're driving them to school, you're not having your meals in the car. Mastervation is in the bedroom.

So I think that's a great way to teach a six-year-old about the privacy element. You can also touch on consent and let them know that his penis is his own and other people should not be touching it unless it's his doctor. And a reminder, can't say enough, it's an ongoing, not a one-time conversation.

So just laying the groundwork and saying what he's doing is okay, meeting where he's at, ask if he has any questions about his penis, and just know that you don't have to discuss it all at once. Keep it simple and come back to the topic at point. Remember, be relatable, real, honest, vulnerable, authentic with your child, because they'll know otherwise.

They know when you're not being that way, I'll tell you that. This is from Michelle, 40 in Oregon. Hey, Dr. Emily, my husband I recently found out that our 14 year old son is looking at pictures of women on Instagram to masturbate. He has filtered on his computer and smartphone, but I'm not too naive to know he can probably work around them. We try to be very sex positive and talk openly about sex and masturbation. I am not against porn, but I understand the challenges that come with it, especially at a young age, and with it as available as it is now.

Would it be appropriate of us to provide them access to ethical pornography? Are there sites available that have some level of filters, or maybe a magazine? It doesn't seem right to share porn sites with my son, but I also don't want him to be exploring some of the very terrible, and degrading stuff that's available. I'm so glad that you're already talking to him openly about sex and masturbation. That's so great because I think this really does start with many conversations. So what he's doing right now is normal. And have you talked to him yet about porn in addition to sex and masturbation?

You know, like the cover, he may have already been exposed to pornographic images and media, so you just want to check in does they have any reactions or thoughts what his opinions about the experience and you can just explain Listen, there's a lot of porn on the internet and there are some issues with the way they depict gender roles It's more rigid and porn it's more long gender lines, you know There's a lot about consent Let him know that is totally normal also to want to look at images as he becomes more interested in sex. So thanks Michelle for your great question.

I just think this is helping so many of our listeners. Thank you. Okay we have Marie. Hi Dr. Emily, I have a question regarding encouraging healthy sexuality with my children, especially my girls, 15 and 17. I've encouraged them both to file your page to learn more about sex and pleasure, and to ask me if they have questions about anything, and one girl wants to purchase her first toy.

I am torn here. I'm thrilled to look into focus of themselves first versus only focusing on pleasing others, and I fully support self-exploration and learning your body. But I don't know if I feel comfortable purchasing them a toy. I don't know that it's appropriate or legal to take them to a sex shop or even have them choose a first toy. I'm a cool, honest, open mom who discusses sexuality and relationships with all my children, but I don't want to do something harmful inappropriate.

I don't know what's normal here as I grew up in a very strict, religious home. We've talked never happened and I was a victim of chronic sexual assault in the home. I don't think I have a solid grasp on what a supportive versus what could be harmful, as far as encouraging my children to do this safely. We'd love suggestions or tips on how to support my girls and their choices and help them keep safe without crossing lines or inappropriateness. Okay, so first let me say this. I can't speak to the legality of where you live. I do know that my advice here is going to help you wherever anyone lives, okay?

So first, props to you and being so open with your children on their sexuality. So it sounds like you really have laid the groundwork for discussing healthy sex and masturbation, which seems like you've done this, and it's acceptable. I do believe it's acceptable by your daughter, a starter vibe. And so especially having a trusted parent give their daughter a vibrator can give them the level of permission so they don't have negative views around sex. They'll understand their bodies and pleasure, which is not often emphasized in our culture, as you know.

What you could try to do will make you feel good about this conversation, is give your daughter a spending limit, send her to a reputable site like Good Vibrations or Dame products and have her pick it out for herself. You can give her a few options to choose from, pick it out together, or you could select it, you know, and give it to her. But I think it's great for young people to have agency over their first toy. I like the idea of shopping together. I do recommend a small external, literal vibe to start. You might want to talk to her about how she can use the toy or send her a couple resources like our website and have her explore on her own. So I think you're doing all

the right things. And if you want to know about any of the products or sites, good vibrations or Dame, just check out our show notes for special links and discounts. Before we leave this, let me just tell you this. There's a great article my friend Anhaudr, who's a sex educator, was quoted in. And she just said, masturbation is a healthy and normal part of growing up. However, female masturbation remains a taboo subject with many young women growing up to believe it's actually wrong for them to enjoy it or even do it. So like I said, having a trusted parent buy it gives them the permission to reframe any negative ideas she may carry about masturbation and significantly reduce the level of shame

she feels around her sexuality. It is the first step towards raising a sexually healthy and aware young adult. Alright, so you've my permission here Marie, keep having the talks and keep being the most excellent loving mother that you are. Alright, that's it for our teens and Master patient episode before you click away. I'm putting a ton of resources in this episode show notes, including my favorite books and teens and Master patient, helpful Instagram accounts, sex educators who do a fantastic job educating young people. I'm Master patient, consent, pleasure, porn, boundaries, and more. Share this episode with any parent or caregiver who might find this conversation

useful. And as always, talk to me. I'd love to hear your success stories as well as the ongoing questions you have on teens and masterbations. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559

talk sex. That's 559-825-5739. A go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex With Emily Podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. you