Sex With Emily - How to Tell A Naked Man What To Do with Candida Royalle

Episode Date: September 13, 2014

Emily has special guest Candida Royalle on the show, a sex-positive pioneer in the adult film industry and the original inventor of couples’ erotica. They cover a variety of topics, including Candida’s ground breaking company, Femme Productions, the ever-changing adult industry, the benefits of couples’ porn and tips to becoming sexually empowered.From female insecurities to male’s penis complexes, Emily and Candida discuss recurring conflicts surrounding mainstream pornography. Men love it, but their often girlfriends hate it, so how do you make everyone happy? The women weigh in on why watching porn together might just be the solution to your porn problems. And thanks to Candida, there is erotica out there that couples’ can both enjoy!Candida tells us about her journey from on-screen star to a female-friendly filmmaker. How did this sexy starlet with a hardcore art habit turn into one of the first female porn directors? She describes the perfect storm that led to the creation of Femme Productions, erotica with a plot, a story-line and positive sex role-modeling.The two also touch on the topic of sexual empowerment: What is it and how can more women get it? They answer the question all women need to know: How DO you tell a naked man what to do? For starters, you’re not directing traffic! The duo gives scripts to get what you want in the bedroom. Also, Emily helps a listener with her sexual confidence and Candida shares an upcoming project that’s close to her heart: 'While You Were Gone: the Untold Story of Candida Royalle’.From sex toys to fantasies to the one thing that men and women REALLY want sexually, Emily and Candida have tips to help you embrace your sexuality, and take control of your sex life. All this and more in the latest Sex With Emily podcast. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, welcome to tonight's show of Sex with Emily. My guest is Candida Royale. She's a true pioneer. She created the idea of a rottica for women and couples so you can all improve your sex life and get turned on together. You're gonna love tonight's show. You know, I'm obsessed with toys. I talked about toys all the time,

but they're not just for women. Do you know that flashlight is the number one sex toy for men? I mean, wouldn't it be amazing? Imagine if you could feel the pleasure of having sex anytime, even when you didn't have a partner. Fleshlight is the most popular sex toy for men. It simulates the sensations of sex and it was engineered to look and feel like the real deal. I've given one to like all my guy friends are like, what? Why do I need that? I've got my hand and now they're like, can I go on for my friend? I'm like a dealer of fleshlights around my office.

I swear to God, you guys will love it. You should check it out. It is, you can also check out the fleshlight stamina training unit. It helps you practice lasting longer and becoming a better lover. And you'll experience some pretty mind-blowing orgasms. And it's funny because I've been talking about this a lot. I'm getting hundreds of emails to people

and y'all want to buy it. You're all enjoying it. So please check it out. Go to sexwithemily.com and click on the flashlight banner now. Go to sexwithemily.com or slash flashlight or click on the flashlight banner. Thanks for listening. Book into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that block our sacred institutions.

Betrubized, they call them in a fight on day. Hey, Avaline, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair standard, oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, though? What do you mean, like laundry?

It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I don't feel's drink. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my God, I'm so dumb. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between.

For more information, go to sexathamely.com. Because when you're at sexathamely.com, you can do so many things. We update the website every day. We have all the podcasts there. Easy to sway. Listen to them is to subscribe and I tune. We did two shows a week and you should sign up for my mailing list. I've been told I don't want to brag, but I give pretty good email. So I send emails, give you information and improve your sex life and your relationships, which is what I know you all want. And also you can follow me on Facebook and Twitter

and Instagram, all sex with Emily. And also you can send me your questions, feedback at sexwithamlee.com. So have a few exciting announcements to make. And I'm here with Anderson tonight before I'm just my amazing guest. How you doing Anderson? I'm doing good, how are you?

I'm really good. Just go back from Michigan. How was that where you just flying out? I just passing out fleshlights left and I was you can't believe It's pretty great. It was 54 pounds. I came home. It was like only 42 pounds I'm 10 pounds of sex. Hi, dad. Here's a flashlight. Exactly. Now I brought home my candles. I brought home text sex toy for my sister-in-law My niece is found at the rabbit you're very funny. You're like a sexual Santa. I am a sexual Santa to everyone I know.

That's like my purpose. I think I'm my trunk. I'm like a diva. I'm like a diva. What do you have? You know how guys sell this? They're sliding on a little... You know there's those guys who like to fake purses out of their trunk. Like I, people come to my trunk and I've got like, sex toys.

But they're all real. But they're not fake. But they're fake dicks. They are fake dicks. They're not necessarily... They're not Gucci. They're not dicks, they're not Gucci. That's true. But it was a good time and I have lots of exciting announcements to make too coming up soon about some new business stuff I've going on in Michigan, which

is great. And also everyone I want you to check us out on iTunes. If you like the show, I would love if you would just go to iTunes and review us. It would be awesome. You know, tell us what you think of the show and all that stuff. What ones and fours is always what I say either Hate it or love it don't think that's okay five oh ones are five. I'm sorry Don't listen and turn this off right now, but if you love me stop masturbating I think anyone who hates this show they're probably just masturbating them. They feel guilty afterwards and then that's why people who hate shows and like change Channel don't listen don't download it. Yeah, it's like when it's on iTunes when it's a podcast It's not like it's on your dial. It's not like we're yeah, it's like it should not be on iTunes

I'm not talking about yours. I'm talking about like my podcast people say that it's like is it in your way? Like how is it? There's like a million I think there's a million podcasts people freaking relax. Okay, I I'm start talking to my Wonderful beautiful lovely guest here. I've heard so much. It's Candida Royale. Hi Candida. Hi Emily. I'm so glad we are making this happen because it's been a long time coming.

It has been a long time coming. I know. And so if you don't know, Candida Royale is a pioneer in many ways because I've been studying you now. I've always known about you, known your work, but like really you've fascinating things that you've done, things that are coming up for you. And one of the first things I was thinking about

that was important is because one of the reasons you're pioneers, because you truly invented that couples erotic, I mean, that really didn't exist before you. And you know, you make films from a female perspective that couples can often, you know, they can watch and enjoy together, which I think is amazing. And I think that porn has become so confusing right now for men and for women and for couples. And I think with men is, you know, these days, they do so much of their porn watching and

hiding. I think they were shame and the women are hurt and confused and they're turned off by their partners' porn watching habits. And they feel salted by some of the things their partners are watching and they're distressed because my partner's on me looking at a certain way. I mean you know all this and this is why you created it but this still goes on. And so and you know women believe that you know if he's watching porn then you know that I should look that way but I thought we were having great sucks and then it feeds into

women's insecurities about body image and insecurities and fatality and it's challenging they can't understand it. And men's insecurities about body image and insecurities and the fatality and it's challenging they can't understand it. And men's insecurities too. Exactly. They feel like they have to be compared with these guys with huge things. Exactly. Every guy knows they have a small penis now. And the guys I've been with, you're penis is no, it's small.

Do you watch porn? I'm like, come on people. Right, it doesn't help anybody. And I always tell people, well, you know, guys right in my girlfriend's mad at me or girls right in women's reddit, I say, watch together. Yeah. Learn together, find some important. And I always say female-friendly porn.

We were like, what does that mean? And so, I mean, I know you're, we've a lot to talk about. Say, but I would love to talk to talk. You talked to me about femme productions, which you started, which was in 1984. You started it. So talk to me about how you started that and how your vision was and how you implemented and all that stuff.

Yeah, it was so fun. So it was bizarre really because I had been in movies for a few years. I was a porn star. How many years were you in movies? Only five years. And I only did about 25 features. If you look at my bio, or not my bio,

but if you look at other people's list of movies I was in, it makes it look like I did like, you know, 500 movies. But it's just people like, you know, taking scenes and inventing new movies, you know, it's so creepy. And so I really only did about 25 features. And then I realized that I was really conflicted about it, you know, like, oh, I was informed. And you know, so I wanted to make sure that I was really conflicted about it, you know, like, oh, I was informed. And, you know, so I wanted to make sure that I was okay about it. So I did all the soul searching and research

and blah, blah, blah, when it's a therapy. And the irony is that this whole period of soul searching that was supposed to proclosure and put Candida Royale to rest really just got me thinking about, well, well you know it's really I really came to terms of that I decided that there's nothing wrong with performing sexually for other people to enjoy watching as long as everything is consensual and it's all respectable and it's safe for sex and all that stuff but what really bugged me the most was that there was no women's voice that you know these movies were basically being sold on women's backs, but there was no interest.

It was all about the men, and it's all supposedly male fantasy. And a lot of men didn't even really care for it. And so it got me to thinking like, gee, you know, I mean, it was sort of the perfect storm. Everything came together at the right time. It was now we're talking about mid-80s. And because of the women's movement, women felt the permission to go explore Rottica, but there was nothing out there for them.

And now, and men were curious, they wanted to watch it with their partners. And now there was home video all of a sudden, and cable TV, and there was a safe place for women to watch. So I thought, you know, this would be so interesting. You know, what would a woman's movie, what would a woman-friendly movie look like? And you know, and so it really got me to thinking like, what do you want to see?

Yeah, what would I want to see? And to me, the thing that needed to change the most was the sex. You know, I didn't want to take some some silly soap opera plot and then put the same or boring formulae sex to it right and so that's what really had to change the most so that's really what happened i got really curious and now we had the venue for safe place for women to watch so um... so you create the way that we were you living it you and san francisco

no i was already back in New York by then. I had spent almost 10 years in California, but by this time I'd come back to New York. Okay, so now, so how did you figure out what it is that women want, like, I mean, you're a woman, obviously, but did you write the script? Or did you, you know, I did? Well, I partnered up with this woman, Lauren Neemy at the time. We did the first three movies together. We created fan productions.

At the time I was married to this fabulous Swedish guy, whose family were very successful in film production and distribution over in Sweden. And his father thought that our idea was just brilliant. And he offered to put up both money, as long as I found, distributed it. I didn't even have to look for the money. It was so meant to happen.

Right, never happened. Yeah, exactly. That's amazing. And so we started out. Really, she wanted to be the director. And I was the producer and the writer of the scenarios. And we started out really simple. The first few movies were like, Fam, Urban Heat, Christine Secret.

And they were really mostly beautiful visuals, original music. And I thought, you know, these people look great. They know how to be erotic. Let's not give them big lines to this site. And so that's really, so yes, I actually came up with this scenario. So give me an example, because I always say,

I'm like, what's the difference? I'm like, well, they have a plot. You know, they want a plot. They want a story then. They don't want to just walk in and see people having sex. And like the com shot, they'll get more fun. Right. We need, you know, so want to plot. They want to story them. They don't want to just walk in and see people having sex and like the com shot. Like we're right. Right.

We need you know, so so your films are more, I mean, how could you say that? Well, there was a lot of plot driven, but, but it's also context. I think women want a context. Right. They want to know the character. Yeah. Like why these people here and what would this particular couple do together and why? Right.

You know, I like to use three daughters. My first, that was my fourth movie and that was really the one that put us on the map. It was this lovely coming of age story about a young woman having her first love affair, her first sexual experience within the context of the whole family. She has two older sisters. Even the parents have this very erotic, wonderful scene of rediscovery together. That was my dear friend, Gloria Leonard, who played the mother.

I mean, there were gorgeous parents. And so I always give it as an example because I would really talk to the actors and say, this is who you're playing. And I wanna see the kinds of things these people would really do. And I don't want it to be the same old. Like, no matter what kind of scene you were doing in typical porn, she's playing a virgin,

but meanwhile the first thing she does is drop to her nishes and swallow him up. Yeah, how did she not do that? Yeah, right. Burgeon, sure. You're a virgin, right? Exactly. So, you know, the scene that Heather, the young daughter, virgin, has with her first lovely boyfriend is quite different.

It's very tentative. I wanted her to be shy and kind of passive and let him lead the way, whereas the scene between the oldest sister is really kind of racy. Oh, so you kind of had it all? Yeah, yeah, exactly. It was an opportunity to show all kinds of sex play. Right, exactly. You know, so it was great. And in fact, I have to just say that A-sec

to actually promote it for, for, endorse it for promoting positive sexual role modeling. Right, because you've been, yeah. It is, it is positive sexual role. And how would you, I mean, it is. Okay, so what about porn tape? I mean, not a lot of positive sexual role modeling, like role modeling going on today.

Mainstream porn has gotten hard as ever. For shocking the tube channels I mean that's where kids are learning today and it's so exciting that I'm always telling and but that's just all they can find it's free and on the phone and so I and they think that's what sex is about exactly exactly you should not I mean I have a lot of you I mean I have people all ages listening but I always say it's okay if you get turned on fine but technically there is that is not how you should learn it's really not really near clitoris he's pounding away you know I say it all the time so so I think that you know it did a great work and also come I have a therapist use yes how do they use

films with couples well you know it's like my good friend, Patty Briton sitting here watching us record. She uses my work when she coaches couples. And I think it's really that you want, if it's appropriate, you want to suggest something for couples to view together that makes them feel comfortable, that is not going to frighten anyone, it's not going to turn off anyone that isn't making the woman feel like she's going to be measured next to that person.

And that shows couples making love in a way that is really communicative, and tender, and playful, and fun, and creative, not just the same old guy walks in, and jot to your knees, while, and then do so is there other people making these kind of films? Like what films would you, if you were a listener, I mean, like what films should I watch? Do you recommend your films? And then what other films do you think who do you think is doing this today?

Because I always, I always say good, a good vibe, good vibrations. We work with them a lot. They have like an after dark, you know, they have, they're, you can buy minutes to them. They've good stuff and stuff. I love good vibes, but I mean, what do you, what do you, well, you know, I think that

Tristan Tarmino's line is interesting where she brings porn stars in and they just do their own thing right and Nina Hartley did a really nice how-to line but and there's some what what we used to call Edutainment of films that that are like sex therapists hosting and taking people through scenes. But honestly, I really think some of the more interesting new kind of stuff is coming out of outside of the United States.

There's some wonderful European filmmakers, women filmmakers, you know, like I'm interested in distributing the work that other women do. Right. So you're still running the company? Yes, I still run fan productions. Right, okay, fan productions. So like I have a couple of Petra Joyce movies. She's a journalist filmmaker from out of the UK. I think that Erica Lust is really beautiful work.

And also there's another woman, Anna Brownfield, Brownfield, who is out of Australia, who does really great work. These are all on your site, people can find them. Well, no, not all. They're not all on my site, so many petrises, but I am going to produce links that people can find in these movies. Okay, because I was going to give out your site, but right now we're also going to talk

about your film today, but is there, Ken D. DeRoyal is yours. It's Ken D. DeRoyal.com is my site, two wells in a knee, two wells in a knee, exactly in this, you can find this all on sexwithaml.com as well. Okay, so when we talk about sex positivity and sexual role modding and all that, do you think that, do you think that,

how can people do think, what do you think is happening today with women? How can how can we help women become more and men become, well mostly, let's talk about women first. How can we help women, you think, become more, feel more, you know, better about their bodies, about their own sexuality and taking charge of their own, you know, pleasure, like I talk about a lot of them, the show that so many of us are raised that it's about the male, and still that still goes on, especially if they're watching porn today, you know, like i talk about a lot of the show that so many of us are raised about the mail and still that still goes on especially if they're watching porn today you know how to be

well i think no more comfortable and powered in their sexuality i think that uh... you know i address a lot of this and i'm not just doing a shameless plug here but i think that my book really addresses it had to tell the naked man what to do i was gonna come to that next i would how to tell a naked man what to do i love that for i love the title and i was gonna be like i want to do. Oh, I was going to come to that next. I want how to tell a naked man what to do. I love the title and I was going to be like, well, I want to do you tell naked. So tell me, tell me, how to tell a naked man what to do. Yeah, and buy it Amazon or your website. You can go right to my website and go to Amazon. Okay, I love the title, by the way. It's really fun. Yeah, and it's kind of facetious, but it's true. And the purpose of the book is what I thought was there's a

million how-to books out there. But if you're not comfortable about your own sexuality, nothing is going to help. Exactly. So my book basically takes you through, it's as if you're making a movie. And so it takes you through the process of learning, discovering who you are sexually,

becoming comfortable with who you are sexually, and then learning how to ask your partner for what you need. Because when I would say about 20 years ago, I got involved with someone. you are sexually and then learning how to ask your partner for what you need. Because when I would say about 20 years ago, I got involved with someone and I really liked him but the sex wasn't great and I was telling a girlfriend and she said, we'll just tell them what you want and I went, oh tell them what I want. Even you have all this work. Exactly.

And I realized, oh my god, if I feel that way, imagine, I mean, where would I feel that way? You've been in porn, you've been in porn, you've been in porn, you're in porn, you can't tell that way, I mean Where's that way you've been important? You've drawn your attention. Yes, I've been there too. Oh my god, my mind, my mind. Well come on. All expectment to be mine. Yes.

And I even had women say like I just want them to know I'm upset that it doesn't know he's not experienced. Yeah. How with how they can know? No, because every woman is different. So you talk a lot about this. So I try to help women get in touch with their sexuality. What it is they really be? They mastermind. Yeah. What comes, what kind of fancies are images come to your mind

when you reach now and start playing with yourself? You know, I used to be really hung up about my personal fantasies. And I thought, oh, these are so politically incorrect. I was a feminist in college. Right. You know, I can't be thinking about them. Yeah, I can't be thinking about it exactly. Exactly. I can't be thinking that this guy just made me have sex with him, you know, and because, you know, and that's only a fantasy. Right. It's not that you really want that. And so, but it's the thing that gets you there. I always say that I think that rape fantasies is so popular with women because we're so hung up about admitting that we want sex that that we have to pretend in our minds that oh he's making me I have no say in this so I might as well just be back and enjoy it. Right exactly.

No, we really want to be raped fellas. No, we don't want to be raped. I always thought also that that that that fantasy that we have of just being taken is because you know there's nothing like that feeling that that he just has to have you that that that it was the object of desire exactly that there's nothing like being ravishing one and desire which is what when we want to be cherished in love and if you know in the fantasy of a man just he can't take it anymore because you're so sexy and people on the high. Can't keep his hands off of us.

And by the way men want that too. You know men actually want to be dominated more than women do. It's actually. Yeah. They really want to. They really want to give up the power and surrender. I think it's a lot of work. They're like exhausted. Really. I really have to think of the next move and the next move. They do like it. I think you're right. So you do. So in the book, so you talk about women learning. So what are some like main takeaways of on the book you think that women, like I understand, understanding your own body and being able to communicate that. But like you mean example like let's walk through scenario. Well like you know I actually walk them through setting up an encounter like you

know you're going to have your lover come over and so I talk about like getting ready for the night picking out an outfit, picking what kind of fantasy play do you want to play with. I talk about lighting in the room, you know, and sexy lighting, what things make you feel comfortable, and then, you know, it really is, how do you let him know what you want? That is the hardest thing. Right, it's right. You know, we're both saying that we've had a hard time. Yeah, so like one of the things I say is always, like say he's doing something you're not really into. You always want to start with a positive and

Then go on to make a suggestion otherwise he feels like So it's more like oh man, I just love how how how you're licking me. This is so great such a turn on you know Could you like maybe just do it a little more this way right so it's like you know to the left right exactly not directing traffic exactly so so we have to be sensitive men are brought up to think that they're supposed to know everything they're the great you know teachers and and so they're very sensitive they're very insecure about that and so exactly and he needs to be able to take hints from her and not get all uptight about it.

Right. Exactly. And not be like offended. I mean, you're a bad lover, you know. So how do you think that the years that you've been in the business now, I guess, for how many years, like 20, 30 years? Oh, God. I can't even think of how long time for long time.

Long time. How long? I just, long time. So how long? I just say long time. So what do you think, yeah, exactly. What, you know, I mean, how do you think it's changed? Like, do you think it's kind of like everything, everything, when everything changes, you're like, oh, it used to be so much better. Really, what do you see as a change being now from now?

Well, the thing that I'm kind of upset about is that, you know, when I was a feminist, one of the big things was that we wanted equal time in the bedroom. And men really did want to listen to us, and they wanted to be really good lovers for us. And now what I see happening is a lot of young women making themselves popular by being great in bed without any focus on what they want exactly and that is really a Concerned right and then the porn does it doesn't show that porn does not help exactly

It doesn't help at all. I absolutely hear that so okay, so now you are Working on a film. Yes, yes, I also just wanted to say real quick that I in the middle of that I also started my natural contour is line Oh, you will really agree Your toy line. Yes. Okay. You started that when did you say that was in 99 to 99 we were actually the first beautiful I looked them on your site. I haven't seen them in person. You know, and I'm so crazy I realized I should have brought you some I know I'm gonna send you my trunks. Yeah I want to paddle them on the street I'm going to send you some. I'm going to send you some. I'm going to send you some. I'm going to send you some. I'm going to send you some. I'm going to send you some. I'm going to send you some.

I'm going to send you some. I'm going to send you some. I'm going to send you some. I'm going to send you some. I'm going to send you some. I'm going to send you some. I'm going to send you some. I'm going to send you some.

I'm going to send you some. I'm going to send you some. I'm going to send you some. I'm going to send you some. I'm going to send you some. I'm going to send you some. I'm going to send you some. I'm going to send you some.

I'm going to send you some. I'm going to send you some. I'm going to send you some. I'm going to send you some. I'm going to send you some. I'm going to send you some. I'm going to send you some. saying that he had this idea why can't we make vibrators that are more artistic, more discreet, more beautiful, more economically correct, and that women can feel comfortable owning. Right. Because back in 99, it was still just nothing but Vainy, big, Vainy Cox. Exactly.

And the rabbit. Right. Exactly. And the rabbit and like the porns are on the box and plastics. Not even. Hardly. And it was just all the same thing. And so I thought what a great idea

of course actually for us that said will show me something right and he sent me these prototypes of these beautiful little you see what they've been yeah yeah and just you know just really something that women will feel comfortable the most we wanted to come up with something that even the most conservative shy woman would feel comfortable. Right, they're really, right. So tell me about what are the best sellers, tell me about some of them. Well, the best seller actually was our old team, which was shaped like a you. We were the first ones to create the one that wraps around the pubic bone and stimulates the clitoris and the gspot at the same time. Okay, I know that was our big seller. I won't even say it. You're

confident. No, you know, listen, everyone admits to us. Thank you so much. We copied you. Really? I mean, everyone happens. Everyone happens. I know. Yeah, it's true. Yeah. So, so where can people buy natural contours? Go right to my website. You can go right out. Or you can just go to naturalcontours.com, you know, or candy to royale.com. So did you, how did you go about the process of, so when did you, when you started the line in late 90s, you said, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so, we came out with the first three in 99. Wow, okay.

And so it was, um, you were the tester, were you testing it? We like to show the world. Oh, yeah, I worked on shapes with him and names and colors. Yeah, they're really beautiful. So, um, did you use toys before you were using toys? Have you always been a toy person? Not a big toy person. No, I wasn't really. My hand did just as fine a job, but I liked them. You know, and I wanted the option of using them. You know, I didn't find them attractive really.

Right. They weren't them. I liked things that I could insert, you know, a lot, and vibrating just made it even more fun. Right. So, and I think that also they're great. Like like I try to, I tell women, look, you want to bring toys into the bedroom, you have to make men believe that you're not replacing them. Exactly. That is for both of you to play with, and that, you know, it's great fun to use while you're having sex. So like while he's entering you, we have some that just, they're not fall asleep, they

sit on the pubic bone, and they stimulate the clitoris while he's entering you, we have some that just, they're not fallet shape, they sit on the pubic bone, and they stimulate the clitoris while he's entering you. Or he could be going down on you while inserting one of the other fights in like the G spotter. Like our other big seller is the Liberté, and it's a lemon yellow color, it's real pretty, and in fact we got a really great right up in red book of all places about it.

And it's great because it's very first to tile. It helps you find your G-spot. Oh God, no, everyone needs a clitoris. It's like you can do so many things with it. Okay, good. I'll check that one. It is true. I mean, people don't, I mean, we talk about this

in this show, but the people don't really understand that. And I think guys are coming around to it. Couples are coming around to it, but it is. It's like, it should be your new best friend. It's the last work for you. There's more going on. And here's another secret too. A lot of guys like the vibration too.

They can feel great on their balls wherever. They're like, whoa, let's do that again. It's just like your couples toy that you have. Yeah. You know, it's like that feels good. They don't think so. So it's like, once you try it, like I was saying, all these years, I've heard from people saying like, I'm a girl, if I want to use it, I don't want to. But I've never heard anyone complain about it.

Like, they never say like, that was the worst experience ever. I hate it. I know. It was so funny. One time I was having, I was having sex with this boy friend of mine. This really gorgeous, hunky six with six guy. And, and he pulls out one of my sex toys you know and like oh this is gonna get fun and interesting and I looked away from it I turned back he had it open to myself like did oh he put it inside himself oh no way oh this is very this is gonna be very interesting right right exactly so what do you think about that when you say men want to be dominated do you think that a lot of men want to be evenly penetrated as well?

I wouldn't go so far. Just say that. I mean a lot because I think many don't want to be admitted. They fear it. Right. They're scared of admitting because they think silly things like, oh, it means I'm gay or exactly. Exactly.

You know, but I think that a lot of men who are really comfortable with their sexuality and open to trying new things would like to feel what it's like to be penetrated. Right. And the more it's like, if you hate it, you hate it, you don't like it to feel what it's like to be penetrating. Right, and it's like, and it's like, if you hate it, you hate it, you don't like it, but it's not to lose. It's not to lose, though, it's another experience. Yeah, the woman has to be very sensitive.

Use a lot of loo, just start with tiny little things, not some big, flawless, you know. Right, exactly. You gotta start small. Yeah, everything. Exactly, exactly. That's how I feel. So, okay, so now, and now, your film, which I watch a trailer to it,

which is, it looks fascinating about your about your life and it is called right here while you were gone. And it's- I'm told- You're on a candy to war, yeah. Okay, so I mean, and you have so many stories. So the documentary, it's about your life, it's about your life. And it was still working on it. Okay, really? Oh, because it's really well-opened. Amazing. Yeah, thank you. And then you're doing it through Kickstarter. Are you still... Well, we had a Kickstarter thing going, you know, crowdfunding, and that was on for a month.

And we did not raise all the funds that we were hoping to be looking to raise a lot of money. And so instead we switched, and we now, if people go to while you were gone film, or you think you didn't get to it through my website, we have a PayPal site that they can donate through. OK, got it. OK, when we come back, I got a quick big first sponsor's here.

We're going to hear more about that. But first of all, I need to talk about one of my new favorite electronic objects is not a vibrator. It's actually the No No Pro. Hey, removing hair. I want to paint in the ass, is it right? Shaving and waxing and tweezing, I'm sure you've probably done it all right.

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You know, men, and I say, they're like, I don't want to get my back black, so we're going to go into a slump, but you can just do it at home, or get your neck, or your chin, whatever you have hairs that you don't want them. Has no pain the no no pro I'm obsessed with it. You will love it men and women you get a hundred per a hundred percent sixty-day money back guarantee when you purchase it

You go to no no Emily dot com. That's no no Emily dot com You also get a fifty dollar gift card to an award winning skincare line and it's funny because when they sent me mine to try out I first like you know I tried it and then I got, I love the no no pro, but I didn't try the award winning skincare line. And I'm obsessed with the skincare line because it's like this tinted moisturizer thing that is amazing. So I know it's really cool. Go to no no Emily dot com no more like razors or waxing or any of that crap because you don't want to deal with it. Also, um, another thing I hear from friends every single day that they want to start a website. Throws like I want to start a website, I want to start with it. Also, another thing, I hear from friends every single day that they want to start a website.

Throws like I want to start a website, I want to start a blog, I don't want to do it, it's very overwhelming. But now there's a new site called weebly.com. That's w-e-b-l-y.com, it's the coolest concept. So it gives you the freedom to create a great website for whatever you want. Any idea you have at all, you can implement it with a Weebly website. And weebly.com truly stands apart because it's so easy.

You can't believe how easy it is. You drag and drop. It's like my five year old niece could create a website with this. You can create a high quality site, a blog, an online store by yourself. You need zero technical skills. Like I said, you drag and drop.

They've all these modern designs. It's like, I couldn't believe. That's a great idea. I know they walk me through it. I'm like, because I was talking to my friend home, he's like, oh, I really want to start a blog. I'm like, I could say, you can sit up in five minutes. So easy.

So, I mean, we all know that making an idea, we all know that making an idea come to life is hard, but making a website for it should be easy. Create your free website today at should be easy. Create your free website today at weebly.com. That's w-e-e-b-l-y.com. Okay. Alright. Alright, let's talk about your movie. So your documentary is about your life and it's a kickstarter campaign, but you're not doing that anymore. So if you think about it, okay. Yeah, so like if you go to YouTube, you'll see you can just type in while you were gone,

the Untold Sturve Kennedy Rail, come up with the trailer that you're talking about. And we're on Facebook, we have a page for it while you were gone. And you can find me on Facebook. And so, and we have a website while you were gone. And so now people can just donate through PayPal. Okay. And we're at the stage where, I mean, basically, it's the story about it. Yeah, it's a fascinating story.

And I actually, of course, I'm sure everyone wants to know what happens at the end, but you're not going to tell me. Like, maybe let's rock air, but I'm like, I can't wait to see it, but it's a search for your mother. Yes, yes. I mean, there's lots of other storylines. The deal is that I've done so many interviews. I've been in so many people's documentaries, but there are things that I never wanted to tell that I really wanted to only tell when it was

right time in my own words. And so there's things I wanted to share all the back stories between, you know, about my life, about my career, about being a pioneer in the industry, but also the very deeply personal story of, you know, my mother left when I was 18 months old. And I never really knew the truth. You know, why did she really leave? I knew what I was told growing up. And what were you told? Well, I was told that she was not a good woman. She didn't want us. She didn't love us. She abandoned us And I always just thought no, this just says you don't just leave. It was me and my sister two little baby girls How old was your sister? She was

My sister was probably if I was 18 months old. She was probably close to five and We also had a half-brother who was older than us from another father. So I just knew there had to be more to this story, and I really wanted to know the truth. I used to think about, I tried vaguely to find a couple of times, but I didn't have enough information. I just decided that... What about your dad? He told me some things, but he's gone now.

Okay. He died. He told me some things, but he's you know, he's gone now, okay, and he died and you know the truth is that I'm I talk publicly about the fact that I have cancer now So I've been dealing with cancer for the last four years and it definitely makes you think about things differently I'm I'm sure and I'm sorry. It seems like it's been Particularly challenging so that you've had, I know I was reading something, I didn't know how much you wanted to talk about it, but where are you at now? Well, I've done very well.

It's a woman's cancer or a varying cancer, which is aggressive, but I've done really well. I'm very strong, I've taken good care of myself so that I really am able to endure the treatments. And it works very well, it knocks the cancer right out, but I don't get to endure the treatments. And you know, it works very well. It knocks the cancer right out, but I don't get good long remissions. So I'm constantly going into new treatments and stuff.

But you're always the doctor. I mean, it's always going. Yeah, but I'm doing great. But you feel good. I mean, I do. I feel good. I feel good. I think, yeah, I still dance.

I still dance. I know you're a dancer. You dance, you sing. You've done everything. Really? Yeah. And you're in the cockheads dance. I still dance. I know you're a dancer, you dance, you sing, you've done everything. Really? Yeah. You were the cockheads, but I would love to talk to you about that too.

You have a different, right? Yeah, I was with the original. I can't just have to, they broke up, but I then went and worked with a lot of the original cockheads, like scrumbling and martin warmin and pristine condition and all of those people who inches of light. Yeah, yeah.

So you've done, okay. So now, okay, so we were saying about your film. So you've here. Yeah, so it's me obviously that brings up your entire life. Like what? Yeah, it's what you want. When am I going to find out the truth about my mother? When, if not now, it's time to do this.

I have to do this. So I went and I hired a detective. Wow, and when did you start this process? Uh, last March. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah. Okay. This is all. Yeah. I'm still in it. Still happening. Okay. So you're still in the journey. So we don't know how it ends. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. Okay. So you hired a detective. And what did you know? You said, I, all I know is that I'm on. So what tell me a little about? Well, I mean, one of the wonderful things that I've learned from my, I found my brother.

And I know that. Oh, you did your connect with your brother anymore. Oh, no, I never, you know, we were taken from all of that, that whole family. My father took us when, you know, when my mother, my mother wanted to leave. She had to leave. And, and my father just wouldn't let her take us. And so we went with him. And

you know, I always thought on the one hand, well, you know, this is admirable. Look how many men don't want anything to do with their children. And he apologized to me once. And he said that I knew she would probably take you back to St. Louis, where she was from. And I would support you, but I'd never get to see you. And so I knew that he did it for good reasons but I also really always suspected that it was for anger, also, and bitterness. And so I did learn that basically we brought up on a pack of lies. My sister and I, she loved us, she wanted us, she was devastated just like I always suspected. That's what you found out.

And now. But she never reached out to you. Well, she really was afraid too. And she just felt at a certain point, you know, maybe they're better off. I mean, she did struggle for a while. She had a lot of struggle. I mean, that's got to be sort of that's like your sense of abandonment and dealing with that. I mean, that's just.

Oh, it's the worst thing. I mean, at 18 months old, ironically, that is exactly when the place where it infant is at that point is just starting to walk away from mommy, you know, venture away, crawl away, but looking back, is mommy still there? Am I safe? And at one point, I look back and mommy was there. She was never there again.

And it's a horrible thing to go up with. You basically feel that you would never good enough. Right, exactly. You blame yourself, right? Like kids with divorce or anything. You were unwanted. But you don't even decide even a conscious thing. I used to think that people were,

like my parents are divorced or my dad died, young two is 19, but you think you don't really think, it's not a conscious thing. You just can't help but that's where you go to because your mind is not going to and you live with that exactly and especially the relationship exactly oh yeah especially every Mary oh yes in fact my stepmother is thank God for her because I mean he took us to live with his mother my grandmother and that was a good thing was a big Italian family. And I had a lot of relatives around.

I'm happy to high in, yeah, on my father's side. And so, but it was sad because I would call all my aunts and cousins' mommy. You know, I was like, well, where's my mommy? And I was really kind of lost. And a couple of times, he's stupidly when my grandmother got ill, he's stupidly put us in foster care. And that was really very traumatic, very, very traumatic.

And so I was in such bad shape from that that my mother had, he was dating at the time. She had met me and she had fallen in love with me and she said, let's get these kids out of here, let's get married and make a home. So she's in some ways the hero story really. And but so he did re-marry and at least there was some stability there. It wasn't a perfect marriage. But yeah, but I've heard that. So you're married. You're not married now. I was married. Yeah. Okay. And so now you're working. So this is your main, your work in film right now. And are you? I'm also working on the book. Oh, you're working, so this is your main, your work in the film right now. And are you, is it? I'm also working on the book.

Oh, you're writing a book. I'm going to be writing the book. Also. And so what else is about, you're talking also about your, your life about in film and all the things, do you think, how much you did that impact on your, obviously, on everything, but I'm like, you're chosen career path, are working in, like, how you got into porn, like, can we talk about that? We always say, you know, like, I always, always I mean because I've had a lot of women like

like who are porn stars now for example on the show and everyone's just go they were abused they were everyone's got these tears but a lot of them are like right now but it's like but do you think that's true because that there's a lot of like no I really chose to do it to make money now you're at least college girls are like yeah I can be a waitress but I'm going to do a webcam you Yeah, exactly. But what do you think? I mean, do you think that was part of you trying to find love? Well, I think more open-free spirited. What do you think it is?

I think nothing is ever black or white, of course, for one reason. And so it's a lot of grays. And I think on the one hand, I came of age during the so-called sexual revolution. It was a very different period. People were having experimental sex all the time. And it was not as, yeah, there was no killer disease out there for having sex. It was a very different time.

And so a lot of people went into the business thinking this was a great way to make extra money. I was doing a lot of underground theater. I was doing my art, I was singing jazz clubs, I didn't want to worry about making a living at the stuff I loved doing. And so I always say that I went into porn to support my art habit right now. But on the other hand, I did come to realize that on the downside, we went through a pretty rough time in my home life when I got to my teens. And my father was a very, by that time, very unhappy man.

And he basically took it out on my sister and I, and especially me, I was still living at home. And he was so bitter and so angry that I couldn't do anything right. And I was this really wonderful daughter. I was a good kid. I wasn't wild. I wasn't running in the streets. I wasn't having sex with anyone. I didn't even have sex with my first boarding school. I was 18. And I did everything. I was talented. I was going to specialized art high school in college. I was a good girl. And I never got any support from him. He was by that time he was cruel to me. So yeah, just shut

down. And so nothing I could do seemed to get his love. And at the same time I was sexually assaulted. I fought the man off in the woods when I was very young. And so all these weird messages like I think the message that came to me is that the only way to get attention is through being sexual. Right. Which I think, and that I think of that a lot of women still feel like. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. And I think that I subconsciously put that into my way of thinking that no matter what I did, how talented I was, how smart I was, what a nice girl I was, it wasn't enough, that the only thing that really made a man want you is if he was sexually

sexually desired you. And I do think that that was part of why I went into porn, you know. It's like, I felt like, oh, I'm desired. And I'm I'm like, well, it's like you, you, you, if it's, if it's daddy's love, you're looking for you, try to find it by screwing as many men as you can, but it's never enough because it's not daddy. Right. Exactly. God. So true. Yeah, I've been through that. Now it was a porn star, but as my dad dying and all that stuff, I totally understand the daddy issues,

like, had therapy, you work on a lot of women, you know, that people always ask, like, does it, does it really about women's relationship, but their father is gonna dictate their relationships? I mean, not holding completely, like, again, nothing's about going on, but, you know, for the life. Listen, one of the first things I ask men

is somewhere getting in the conversation when I start seeing them is, oh, so what's, how about you and your mom? Are you close? Right. I always ask that too. My mom's like, if they hate their mother, they're mean to the way they dress, like get out of the room.

No, it's so true. That's the advice that I always gave me. And she's right. So it's almost a cliche, but unfortunately, it's true. I know it is true. It is true. Well, good luck with your film. We're going to answer a quick email from a listener here.

I thought you could help me. OK, thanks everyone for emailing me. I love getting your emails at feedback at sexwithemle.com. Hello, Emily. My name is Tabitha. I am soon to be 22 years old, and just recently I received a kidney transplant. I was born with an autoimmune disease. I admit that I felt weird about my body lately.

About four years of past, since I diagnosed it over the duration of those years, my body started changing, my weight fell off pounds at time. Every couple of months, a new scar was added to my collection. My body no longer feels like mine most days. I recently changed partners. I've noticed a slight increase in my energy and sex drive, but I still feel self-conscious. A few weeks ago, I tried the laundry, I tucked away in my closet, unused, my partners never

seemed interested, and he loved them. His approval and reaction to me and that maybe feels so incredible. I was sexy and confident. I felt desirable. So we're talking about. But I'm really interested in getting sexier, more interesting laundry. I've been to a couple stores but but see a lot of similar things. I'm looking for something different. I'm also a very feminine person. When it comes to delegates, I enjoy lace and silk but I feel so small and childlike looking, being 4-10 doesn't help. I'm also very feminine person. When it comes to delegates, I enjoy lace and silk, but I feel so small and child-like looking, being 4, 10 doesn't help. I just want to feel like a sexy woman. Do you have any suggestions where I might look or any advice

on how to keep things interesting in the bedroom? Thanks, Tabitha. Wow. Yeah, that's an intense story, right? That she's going through all this right now. Good for her. I mean, she's working at it. Wow, that's amazing. Yeah. Well, um, and she said that, that this, this new partner, well, it's interesting in her in the lingerie. Right. In the lingerie. I mean, I think you just go around. I mean, I love Batchy lingerie. I always talk about Batchy. They, um, just did a contest with the giveaway. It's really reasonable. It's a B botchi.com and they have a lot of stuff there

that's sexy, but honestly, it's not about, I think you just have to see going what makes you feel good. There's so many different things. It's what makes you feel sexy. It's not even just gonna be laundry. It could be costumes, dressing up, being playful. And I would feel you wanna spice things up

with the better, but I always think it's fun to play dress up. Obviously, you're like feeling sexy, so is there any other costumes or things or fantasies that don't get stuck in any one place right you know this is obviously a great trigger they have found you know it's right we have Dr. Patty Britain sitting right here she probably would have the best answer I can't wait for Patty Britain to yeah but but I just would caution anyone to not get too stuck in one place either.

That it's great that the lingerie is opening the door, but keep it going. You know, great play with the lingerie. That's how you keep it interesting. Maybe go to costumes, you know, but then don't forget to also remember what's really pulling you together, which is being together, looking into each other's eyes, touching each other, being sensual. Don't only focus on the lingerie. Like, okay, let lingerie open the door. Exactly, well, she said how do we keep it more interesting?

The bedroom, so I'd say again, like we started out saying, you know, communicate about what you can sexually. Because again, she went through, she's been going through, she's been going through, you know, some insecurities with her body changing. And so I know I understand that your partner's making

you feel very desirable now, but you still have to feel in yourself even if your partner goes away to have a thought we want this feeling to stick with you that you are beautiful woman sexy inside and out it's about you and so keep working on you know help you know you learning your own body what makes you feel good communicate with your partner it sounds like you guys are on a really good track right now. And so just to keep it interesting, I just keep communicating and yeah, mixing it up, you don't want it to be all. You know what I would say also, she should be sure to look at this movie, I just watched it. It was that movie, what was it? It's called, it's a one-day movie, it was about the guy who was like the real playboy, Julian Moore was in it. It's so bad at movies.

We're second-out that's today. I don't just can't even ask about it. I was like about a year ago. And it has a one, I wish I could remember. Anderson, we need you for a movie. Yeah. He's a movie podcast. Yeah, the one that Julian Moore is in and it's the young guy who is like the real

authority. Yo, he's like, he goes to the disco. He picks up women all the time. John John. Huh? John John. John Wahn. John Wahn. like the real authorio he's like he goes to the discoey picks up women all the time john john one uh... uh... it's done john yeah that's it done john thank you but it's uh... it's uh... uh... scarl jahanson yeah but it's also julien more because that's the old woman that it gets involved

with that teaches him all about her because it's exactly what i'm'm talking about. It's that he had to learn, he was looking to really connect with a woman, but he had to learn that to really have great sex and connect with someone means to be together, to look into each other's eyes. Remember, that's who you're, that to touch each other. She should look at that movie. Don John.

That's great. That's great intimacy. Because after we're all couples together, they stop great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great.

That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's great. That's r-o-y-a-l-l-e.com and then the website for your movie you want to go to the Facebook page? Either go to my site, if they go to my website it'll get them to everything. While you were gone, the untold story of Candida Royale. Okay, got it. Thank you so great to have you show and thank you everyone for listening to Sex with Emily was it good for you? Email me.

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