Sex With Emily - How To Tell If They’re Feeling The Spark

Episode Date: July 9, 2024

On today’s show, everyone’s looking for clarity in the sexual unknown, starting with: how can I tell if they’re into me? Whether it’s an office crush and you’re trying to figure out if they like you back, or you’re about to go on a date and worried you’ll be friend-zoned, I give you tips to put your best foot forward. How about if it’s a new sexual act, and you don’t know how you feel about it — or if you should even try it? I offer ways to figure out what YOU want…and not just what your lover wants. Finally, sexual evolutions in long-term relationships: what to do when you’re filled with old resentment? Is there a new conversation you could have with your partner? How about when you want to open up…but your nesting partner is scared of you having new lovers? We’re venturing into uncharted sex territory today, but don’t worry—we all come out on the other side, with fresh ways forward. In this episode you’ll learn:  Steps to getting back into dating How to talk to your partner about their kinks What to do when you want your relationship to be open, but your partner doesn't How to talk to your kids about Sex and Sexual Wellness Show Notes: Try our FREE Guides Today!  SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Sex With Emily: Home Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok  Let’s text: Sign Up Here Want me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.

Dating is a muscle. Approaching people is a muscle. Are you putting yourself out there? Dates don't just drop down the chin-knee. They don't. I wish they did. I wish that we could just meet single people all the time, but we have to put an effort into it. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Listen, before we're experts at anything, we're all humble beginners. And whether we're learning how to date, learning how to talk about sex, learning how to pleasure a partner, it can all seem pretty intimidating.

Enough to make us second-guess ourselves. Like, do they just like me as a friend? Am I weird for wanting more lovers? Will I teach my child the right things about sex? Well, on today's Ask Emily show, everyone's looking for clarity in the sexual unknown. Starting with, how can I tell if they're into me? Whether it's an office crush and you're trying to figure out if they like you back, or you're about to go on a date and worried you'll be friend-zoned?

Well, I give you tips to put your best foot forward. Well, how about if it's a new sexual act and you don't know how you feel about it? Or if you should even try it? I offer ways to figure out what you want and not just what your lover wants. Finally, sexual evolutions in long-term relationships. What to do when you're filled with old resentments? Is there a new conversation you could have with your partner? How about when you want to open it up, but your nesting partner is scared of you having new lovers?

Well, we're venturing into uncharted sex territory today, but don't worry. We all come out on the other side with fresh waste forward. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. It helps get the show out to more people and it just takes a few seconds. You can do it right now. You can also find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, or X and Facebook. All of it, all of it is at Sex with Emily. Check out my new articles, How to have long distance sex and four quick arousal hacks, find sexwithemily.com. All right everyone, enjoy this episode.

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this gel is designed to heighten your experience. You just put it on a few minutes for any sexual encounter. You just rub it into your vulva and you start to feel this tingling. So it's really working to get you in the mood. I mean, you have so many nerve addings. So when you put a little gel on it that's just meant to stimulate all your sensations,

it really works. It's like foreplay that you are putting on your body yourself. I love that Promessent is so dedicated to quality and customer satisfaction so you get free shipping, 60-day money-back guarantee, discrete delivery. Treat yourself this summer. If you're looking for ways to have more connections with your partner, you just want to feel more aroused and turned on, you got to check out their arousal gel. Visit permessent.com slash Emily for 15% off your purchase. That's permessent.com slash Emily for 15% off. P-R-O-M-E-S-C-E-N-T dot com slash Emily. Discover Permessent's arousal gel, you'll never look back. This is Ryan 46 in Phoenix. Hello Dr. Emily, I'm 46 and I haven't dated for 12 years.

Mostly because I had a bad breakup and haven't connected with other women. Most women I meet seem to just want to party, club or drink which I'm way beyond. I want to have conversations on a deeper level. There's a girl in our office, we have short conversations at a deeper level. When she sees me, she waves and smiles. It's hard to get alone time to connect at a deeper level, and at the same time, I don't want to become office gossip at this stage. Not saying I wouldn't mind people talking about us,

but I'd rather have that happen later in the relationship. When I visit her at her desk, we talk about gardening a lot, but I try to keep it short conversations. I've asked her to do things with me, which is usually met with a maybe or I can't do that this weekend, but never a hard no, not interested, or just leave me alone. I've asked her to lunch, but she told me she can't because she needs to run home and let her dog out.

All of these to me are valid reasons not to say yes, but I have it harder to say, let's do it and commit to it. Truth be told, I haven't asked her in person. All of these are via text. Again, I don't want to cause her stress by having her coworkers talk behind her back. Now, I know that she's introverted and loves her personal time alone, which I too love alone time. She intrigues me and excites me and she lights up my world when she comes over for text support or has a question or even just be walking by her desk she says hi.

I want to let her know I respect her as a person and not interested in a one-night stand but at the same time I don't want to ruin a friendship and I'm afraid of just going up and asking her out. Do you have any tips or suggestions that might boost my confidence or should I even attempt it? Alright, so what sounds to me like you're a little bit out of practice here, Ryan? You haven't dated or been with anyone in 12 years. I can imagine after 12 years you've had a lot of time to think about how awkward it can be and a lot of fear around rejection and just like going up to somebody and so I hear a lot of rationale in your head about why you shouldn't talk to her and they all make sense. Sure your office mates might talk about it, she might not be interested and that could hurt. All of that might really

be valid but you're never gonna know unless you ask her directly. And I think that's part of it. Part of knowing that you have a connection is asking her directly. So the time that she stops by, you could just say to her, the next time she stops by your desk, you'd say, hey, I've got tickets to this thing Friday night.

I was wondering if you wanna go. Or I know I've asked you out a lot and I feel that you said no. And I just wanna know, is that something you'd be interested in? I mean, you're allowed to ask her straight up and when we worry that we're going to ruin a friendship it's not really a friendship because you have feelings for her and so that it gets in the way and I think as long as your company doesn't have any rules around

dating someone in the workplace you got to just risk this. This is how you're going to get back out there. Dating is a muscle. Approaching people is a muscle. And I want you to find someone. I want you to get out there and get past this breakup, you know, for 12 years. And I'm wondering how much work you've done around the breakup and what it meant to you. I hope you've had therapy because you know we all need therapy. And it sounds like that doing some own work on yourself will help you gain the confidence to really start approaching people and I think that that would be

The best thing you can do here is to practice now if you don't want to practice with her which I understand It's risky in the workplace. It can be have you tried dating online Have you tried saying yes to events and people ask you to go out? You said you like your alone time, but are you putting yourself out there? Dates don't just drop down the chimney. They don't I wish they did I wish that we could just meet single people all the time But we have to put an effort into it and I think that you've probably gotten comfortable in your life the last 12 years But it's time Ryan. I want you to get out there and you'll realize that it's not as scary as you think

We're all afraid. We all have fears around dating But I really want this for you. So remember it's not as scary as you think. We're all afraid. We all have fears around dating, but I really want this for you. So remember it's practice. I don't want you to beat yourself up, but I don't want you to overthink it. And I think if you're direct with her and let her know that you'd be interested in hanging out, then you'll have your answer and you'll know once and for all if she's down for trying it out or she wants to stay friends. This is from Adela 31 in Maputo. First date help. I have a tendency to give off a homie friend zone vibe. Not sure why.

I think it might be because I have quite masculine energy. I have a date coming up with this guy I'm super interested in and been for a while. I recently found out he's single, so I asked him out for a drink. We've worked together on a few projects before, and I'm worried that, well, we're just meeting as friends. How do I set off the right vibe? Are there questions I can ask? Something to set the tone? I love your show. I've learned so

much from you. Thank you for breaking the taboo around surrounding sex and helping us talk about it and wanting us to be more curious to learn about our bodies. So first I want to check your story here. How do you know that you give off a homie friend zone vibe? Is that what you've been told from people? So I just want to make sure that's true. It's as we just something happens once or we think that's who we are. And so now you asked him out, which is great. And I want to tell you that I think that if you asked him out to get a drink,

he probably is assuming that it's something a little bit more right. Don't we all assume if someone asks us to get a drink and it's the sex that we're attracted to probably means that they want something else. So we got to work on is you giving off the vibes that it's more than friendship. So this comes with just confidence, eye contact, getting curious, asking him questions. Don't offer to help. Don't ask as if you're his girlfriend

because that's what people go in the friend zone. They like want to help them and they want to be their sounding board and you offer to do all these things for him like you're already dating. Let this be like a new turning over a new leaf of going in there with the intention of letting him know that you're into him. Talk to him about things that you haven't talked about before. Share parts of yourself. Slow down. Wear something that makes you feel sexy. Listen. Be a good listener.

Remember that a lot of confidence comes through body language. So I already mentioned eye contact, but leaning forward, standing up straight, keeping your chin up, avoiding your pockets, like looking down, looking away, touching, you know, like leaning over, maybe like touching their arm, letting them know that you are interested. So those are some of the things that you can focus on, because remember, so much of what we say doesn't have to do with our words, it's our body language.

It would also help for you to start to feel like, what does it feel like to be in your feminine? When have you felt the most in your feminine? Is it when you're having sex, when you're masturbating, when you're dancing, when you're providing, cooking? We all have a masculine feminine side to us. All genders, men, women, we have a masculine feminine.

And I know for me, a lot of times I feel really in my masculine during the day, what I'm doing. And I have to remember that when I'm going out with somebody, that I have to get into my feminine and I move slower. I make sure that I like reset sometimes I do some like cat cow poses you know the cat cow poses and from yoga where you like you're on all fours and you inhale with your head up and down lift your spine up and down like a cat and a cow that position really helps you get into your body more because that's really where it all comes from. It's all in our our pelvic floor. So getting in touch

with your own sexuality so you feel confident and sexy when you go out with this guy can be really helpful for you as well. We have Bill 55 from Ann Arbor, Michigan. Hi Bill. Hi Emily. How can I help you? So every once in a while, something new happens, doesn't it? Something unexpected. So a little while ago, I was with a lover. And since I'm listening to your show, I try new things, right? When whatever I can do to make her happy. I was listening to one of your shows where you guys were talking

about you can't rush going from the lips down to the waist. God take your time. Right? So the thing that was different that was happening was and I'm sure ladies can have different intensities of orgasms. So I was trying to satisfy my lover as best as I could and when she came the inside of her Vagina Engorged and got it with that's what the surprise was. I was like, okay. Oh, this is something different I've never seen this and I'm 55 and

I was happy I was surprised and at first I was And I was happy, I was surprised, and at first I was candidly, I was like, oh, this is off-putting. But after a couple weeks and doing it over and over again and seeing how happy I was making her and also knowing that I was getting her off, you know, that's what made me so happy. So I think some of your listeners might enjoy the idea that sometimes you see something that nope I don't like that but you know what you learn to really like it Never seen a vagina or labia start to swell Well, it's certainly swelled a lot and in fact the inside of her pushed out yeah pushed out and I know what I experienced was was certainly something that other people

must experience right nothing that I'm gonna experience is all unusual no not at all so did you feel it or did you see it were you like going down were you just closer to it I was I was down on her and sometimes she sprays when she comes, especially when we're outside or we're at somewhere where wood floors are in front of us. Okay. So that's not a problem. I think sometimes ladies hold back from squirting.

Yeah, squirting. They do. Because, right, they don want to squirt in a bed because then it soaks into the bed and things like that so it was nice that she was willing to just let it go but the insides like I mentioned really pushed out how can I really describe it I don't know Emily if I could really describe it anymore than that It was just really full. Yeah, okay, what happens?

I mean, increase, because you have, with arousal, you've increased blood flow, and that impacts the externally, internally, the vagina, the labia, the vaginal opening, the inner and outer labia, they can all swell to varying degrees in every woman. And so, everyone with a vulva, that's gonna happen when you're

really aroused. So I think that, yeah, maybe you hadn't seen it, but it's, it definitely happens. And we probably need more documentation of this. So it's, you know, we expect it and we know about it, but we don't really talk about it. My question was essentially, have any of your listeners experience this when they're having an orgasm? Does it really come out for many women? And it was just something that I never, it looked like a small deli sandwich is what it looked like. It went from being thin lips to the inside, not the labia, not the hood, not that, we're talking about the inside fleshy part. I was at, it was like I was at Zingerman's having a big pastrami sandwich. Oh my god, okay don't plant the Zingerman sandwich in my

head right now. I don't want that. But listen, it's really common. Yeah, I think that most people just don't really pay attention. This is why I'm always urging people to put a mirror between their legs and see what happens when you're really in gorge and you're really turned on. How old was she? She was 30. Okay. Honestly, I'm just curious. Our bodies do change over time,

but the thing that does not change is that vulva owners, when we get really turned on and we're really into it, which I love, we get arousal and blood flow, it can, yeah, it engorges with, it's literally blood is engorging. Like, it is the same erectile tissue in the clitoris that, and which is also extends internally as in the penis. It's literally the same.

So that's what's happened. We are expanding, we are engorging, we are aroused, and it pushes outward. It sounds like she was really pushing her orgasm out. So, yeah, good, now you know. Now I know, and I guess my thought is how important it is just to be open-minded and savor something different and relish it.

Right, I love that. That's a great message because it's true. What I'm hearing from you though is like, oh, it kind of freaked you out. You're like, oh, that's weird. It doesn't look like that. It wasn't attractive. It was like, oh God, I look like a sandwich. But I love you from a man in his 50s

that you could actually share this because I think that a lot of people might not be at that embracing and open. And so I love this message because I do think now you can look back and be like, I really turned this woman on. She was living in her ecstasy and her arousal. I think that sex is beautiful

and I think it can be really hot. We need to flip our preconceived notions about what should happen and what sex feels like and looks like. And so thank you for this call. I appreciate it. Our listeners appreciate it too. Nice meeting you.

I'll keep listening. Likewise. Thank you for your call. Bye. Bye-bye. Oh yeah. I like this call because I can, I hear what he's saying.

He's like, that was weird. I'd never seen that before. What was it? But honestly, if you really take a look at the vagina and the vulva, it is a beautiful thing and it grows and it changes. I mean, think about those pictures of flowers, right? Like Georgi O'Keefe painted the flowers

that are blooming and blossoming. Then that is what happened to your vulva. The less judgmental and shaming and the less we have certain expectations around what sex should be and what it should look like, we will all have much better sex and be much more prepared for whatever might come our way during sex, because we're always learning

and it's always changing. So remember to embrace your lovers, embrace sex, and it's messy and it's beautiful. We're gonna take a quick break, but we come back. I'm talking to Mia, whose long distance boyfriend has a fantasy of her hooking up with another man. Ooh, let's see what happens. We'll be right back.

This is from Mia25 in Italy. Dear Dr. Emily, My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship and he has expressed he fantasizes about me sleeping with another guy while we are apart. I've told him I don't want to be with anyone but him but he keeps insisting. He's even said it's his biggest fantasy and would make him want me even more. I don't feel obligated to do something I don't want to do, but I do fear he'll find me boring sex-wise or too close-minded. What should I do? I love that you don't feel obligated to do something you don't want to do. But I don't think it's as black and white as you're saying here.

You're saying that if I don't sleep with someone and tell them about it, then I'm boring and close-minded. And I would say there's a wide area in between those two places. There's a huge gap there. Do you realize that you get to fill in with whatever you want between sleeping with another guy and telling about it and finding ways that you're turned on as well? Are there any fantasies that do turn you on? Are there things that you want to try? How could you guys expand the lens of this conversation to get into what both of your turn-ons are? You know I love our Yes No Maybe list. It's on our site and it gives you a lot of suggestions about different sex things you can try together. And if you don't know, please know that that's okay.

Some of us are more wired towards fantasy. Some of us don't have a lot of fantasies. And when you don't have a lot of fantasies, then you get to do some exploring on your own. Reading erotica, watching porn, thinking about your past sexual history and what's felt good to you. Start to figure out what a turn-on might be. You know, you listen to the show.

We've got a lot of great ideas on here. We have to remember that in a relationship, we don't have to meet our partner where they're at always. We do get to, you know, be an advocate for. We do get to you know be an advocate for what we want. They get to be advocate for what they want and then you create together what that sexual fantasy might be. Now maybe if you dirty talk with him about sleeping with another guy and you just tell him it happened would that still turn him on? What if you create a story around it? Is it just hearing the word

or does he have to know it's true? Obviously you would tell him that it didn't really happen and maybe you'll find that dirty talk really turns you on. So I just want you to try some things so you can get a little bit clearer on what does turn you on because I just want you to experiment. You know remember if we don't know what turns on then you get to play. You get to try different things and maybe you're a maybe on some of the things on the yes no maybe list. Maybe the maybes turn into yeses. Maybe they turn into nos. But the more things we try and experiment with sexually, the more we're gonna know where our hell yes comes in and where our hell nos are. Alright, thanks for your question Mia.

This is from Tessa. Hey Dr. Emily, I look forward to going through your guides transform what sex and connection looks like in my life and relationship. I'm resentful about morning sex. My husband's cock clock, which is a new one for me, is 5.30 to 6.30am. I'm annoyed at being woken up before I'm ready to wake up in order to be penetrated and fulfill his needs and then get up to clean myself. I feel used and grumpy. Outside of that, sex is irregular.

I'm dry all the time. I rarely have an orgasm. Any advice on improving this would be appreciated. Thanks dry all the time. I rarely have an orgasm. Any advice on improving this, we appreciate it. Thanks for all the work you do. All right, Tessa, well, here's a great guide you can download. It's our communication guide. And it's time being tone and turf.

I talk about the three T's. I talk about a lot on the show, but it sounds like there's a really important conversation that you need to have with your partner at the right time, with the right tone, and the right turf. You can all download that now. I talk about it a lot, but it's outside the bedroom and it's light and curious because he needs to know that that is not something that works for you. That time doesn't work. Couples get to negotiate this all the

time. But also I want to know about the history in your relationship. Have you been into sex in the past and has something changed? Are there some resentments build up? Have there been challenges in your relationship besides the morning sex? Because typically there's one thing that's happening, but it's a symptom of other things in the relationship. Do you feel like maybe he doesn't hear you in other ways? The fact that he's getting up at 5.30, having sex with you and getting up and leaving, does he know that this doesn't feel good to you?

Because I could imagine that a partner, that all of our partners in our healthy relationship, they want us to be satisfied. They want us to be pleased. They want to be great partners to us. And so I think the conversation you have with him is, hey, we realize we haven't really talked about our sex life a lot lately, but I'm finding myself really not in the mood at 5.30 a.m. I might be more in the mood at, and then you get to offer when you're more in the mood. Is 30 a.m. I might be more in the mood at and then

you get to offer when you're more in the mood. Is it evenings? Is it weekends? And then also talking about what it's going on in your body right now. If you're really having an orgasm and you're dry well it sounds like you need some lube and some masturbation time. You didn't mention how old you are but you know our hormones change every decade. So it could be a result of birth control pill or having kids or menopause, perimenopause. So there's a lot of things going on here and I'm wondering how much of your sexual health are you able to take into your own hands right now? How much do you know about what you desire? What time would turn you on? When was sex great in

your relationship? Can you go back to those times? Do you remember a time when it was what you wanted at the right times and you felt really wet and really turned on? So there's knowing the past information. There's also getting yourself checked out and realizing like, can you still get turned on? Masturbation is really important part of being sexually healthy. Are you still going to give yourself an orgasm when you do masturbate? Are you turned on? Are you aroused? So I think it is your husband and we all need to have these conversations with our partners. We don't have to fix our sex life by ourselves. Your inner relationship for a reason is partnered sex.

So please have this conversation with him sooner than later, Tessa, so you can start figuring out how to get your own needs met. Doesn't have to be secretive. You don't, you know, I love the idea of you masturbating and figuring yourself out, but you can also talk to him about it at the same time. Maybe he says, oh wow, that's really hot. I'd love to watch you masturbate.

Maybe then he gets aroused when you're masturbating. There's so much we don't know about our partners and what they want sexually and even what we want because we're so afraid to talk about it. So once you start having honest, open conversations, you'll be amazed at what you'll learn from each other and how much information that will be revealed and how much you're going to learn about yourself and your partner when you have these conversations. This is from Emma 48 in New York City. Hey, Dr. Emily.

First, thank you so much for your podcast. I've learned a lot listening to you. My partner and I have been together for more than two decades. I've recently gone through a sexual awakening and want to finally explore my own sexuality in my late 40s. I love my partner deeply and I'm committed to our relationship.

However, I am not sexually attracted to him anymore. I don't find our sex satisfying, fun, or exciting, whether it's the frequency, he wants it much less often than I do. Size, yes, turns out size matters to me, or just the way he touches me. I do think we have very different sensibilities. We had opened up our relationship for a while.

Not only did I have many exciting and satisfying sex with other lovers, it also energized our sex life. However, there was a lot of emotional turmoil that came with it. We ultimately went back to being exclusive again out of my love and commitment to my partner. Okay, Emma. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm confirm his insecurity and deepest fear? Please help. Okay Emma, so first what I'm hearing you say is that you really do want to stay in this relationship with your partner. You've already made the decision after opening it up to kind of scale back and decide that you're going to be monogamous again. The part I want to hold in on is when you said it was going great for you the open relationships but then there was emotional turmoil and I'm wondering if it was his emotional turmoil. It sounds like it might have been because maybe he was feeling threatened by the sex you were having or maybe you guys crossed some boundaries

that didn't feel good. Maybe you discovered that there's some information that you shouldn't be talking about. So what if you really let him know the way that he does please you? Now I'm assuming that I don't know if it's through oral sex or toys or if there's any other way you're able to have pleasure with him. You say you're not attracted to him anymore and you don't even want him to touch you. So you're at that stage with a switch flips to off and you're like nope do not touch me, do not look at me, I don't like the them to touch you. So you're at that stage with a switch flips to off and you're like nope do not touch me do not look at me I don't like the way you chew. But then on the other hand you're saying you want us

to make it work. Which is it? Because I think what might be important here is to get into your own sexuality. It sounds like a lot of your sexuality is in relation to others but I'm curious what you've discovered on this journey of your own sexuality right now. Have you discovered more about your own pleasure and your own body and your orgasm and what feels good? Maybe if you're craving a partner with a bigger penis, there could be some negotiations with your partner and just saying, I really liked when we opened up, maybe we could do it once a month, once a quarter.

Would that satisfy you? Because I don't think that you have to just compromise to the point where you are crying and masturbating in your room. And so I'm wondering if you guys have been to therapy together about this because it would be an excellent time for you to go and really figure out, can we get past this? Can we stay together while also knowing that our sex life is in trouble right now, and that we want different things. And if you stick to a therapist, you go once a week for three months, the two of you, and you get really honest and really open, I mean, after 20 years together,

the relationship deserves this kind of attention and this kind of energy put towards understanding if you should say or you should go. You're 48, still have a whole life ahead of you. You say that his deepest fear is not being able to satisfy me. So how can I even confirm this if that's actually what's going on? I think you're gonna find when you go into therapy there's a lot more to this. It's not just about the penis size or him not satisfying you. There's other

things you're saying that you don't want him to touch you or he's not having sex as often as you want and when you say you have different sensibilities go in and do some deep work around that because that's where you're gonna find a good compromise and a good way to be together when you find out how the sensibilities are different. What does he need? He can't say to you, I no longer want to have sex anymore, right? He can't just totally take sex off the table, but you're saying it's less frequent. So you just get to figure it out with a therapist. Keep going deeper into these conversations and you will find your answers. We have Coco in Illinois. Okay Coco thanks for calling in. How can I help you? What's going on? So I have a four-year-old son

and I know that you talk a lot on the podcast about when there's conversations around sex when they're older obviously obviously with shame surrounding that. And I just want to know what conversations they have with him now and as he ages so that he doesn't have any shame surrounding sex. I'm so glad you asked this question because a lot of kids are going to explore, they're going to masturbate. Well, he's four, right? You said he's four, he's touching himself.

That's fine. But it's important to talk to our kids starting now, just even naming their parts. This is your penis, just to have no shame in any of it. And if he starts to touch himself in a restaurant, for example, like let's say you're at dinner, you know, and he starts putting his hand down his pants, for example, you would say, oh, that's, that feels good,

right, I'm sure it does feel good. That's something to do in your bedroom. Rather than don't ever do that, don't let, you't let anyone touch you and all that stuff. But the research has shown that the parents who talk to their kids about sex tend to have healthier conversations about sex as they grow older. So really, these conversations are just age appropriate. You meet them where they're at, but then as they get older, you talk about feelings and you talk about emotions that they're having. There's a lot of situations that can happen that you might not normally be thinking of would be great opportunities, like teachable moments. So maybe there's gendered stereotypes,

ads that come on like the TV, if there's an ad for a tampon or an ad for birth control or condoms, you could say open ended questions like how much do you know about birth control or how much do you know if you say our auntie questions, like, how much do you know about birth control? Or how much do you know if you say, our Auntie Joan is pregnant, how much do you know about pregnancy, right? And you have an open-ended question and then you meet them where they're at. And that's how we answer their questions.

That if they're just seen in a movie or something's happening with romance between two characters or a love scene, you just say, do you have any questions about that? And you just start to give them the appropriate information that they could take at that age. How do you feel about this ad that has dolls that are only in pink, right?

These dolls are in pink and he lets you play with dolls. Like things like that, and this takes parents also being self-aware, right? Of being aware of these markers. So that's what it is. So there's nothing that he's doing right now that makes you feel that he's acting like a sex machine, right?

No, not at all. He'll say he calls it his winker and he'll be like mommy. Can I go look at my winker? Okay? Yeah, you want to go to the bathroom? Do you want privacy or you want me to be in there? Oh, I'll take some privacy right now and he'll go do it. So I think we're on the right track I just want to like make sure we stay on the right track. Well, I would actually say with the winker thing I would say this is your penis Okay, we use the right term. So when I say actually say with the Winker thing, I would say this is your penis. Okay. We use the right term. So when I say name the part, so to say to them that's your penis, this is your testicles. And so by already naming it something else, it's showing him that it's something that

can't be named and that it's private or maybe it's dirty or maybe it's not okay to state that. Mommy has a vagina, Mommy has a vulva. That's really where it starts. Because the fact that even when I was growing up, we couldn't say the names. When I started the show, you couldn't even say vagina on television. Like you couldn't, I was-

Oh wow. Yeah, I was on like a terrestrial radio station. I couldn't say masturbation. It's changed a lot in recent years, but it's these subtle messages to our kids that show that it's private, it's shameful. So yeah, I would start with like naming the parts, using explanations of things that are happening

between a man and a woman, not covering his eyes when scenes come on a movie. And really the kids who have ongoing, kids and teens who have ongoing talks with their parents, like going as often as you're talking about schoolwork, as often as you're talking about politics or what's happening in the world, I think it's important to just, as things come up

and now as a parent, you can start to look for those examples in media, in movies, in TV, whatever he watched, even cartoons that he's watching now. What do you think about them getting married? What are his views about love and relationships? Because it does start young. I like that advice about actually naming it and saying that's your penis instead of calling it something different that makes a lot of sense. Yeah because that's where the

shame starts from in all of these studies. It's not okay. Yeah. And some other books that are great, What's the Big Secret is one talking about sex with girls and boys and there's another one that my friend wrote that was on the show by Lynene St. John it's called read me a parental primer for the talk. The other one is where did I come from? Again when they get older maybe you have nieces or nephews or neighbors in your life but it's like what do you think about like celebrities are being photoshopped and they look different than they look in real life or

how would you feel if somebody started acting like the character in this TV show? What do you think about this character acting that way? Having questions about social interactions with our kids. Yeah. So things that you rather than like that's bad, that's wrong, don't ever do that. It's more like what are your thoughts on that? Like we weren't never taught this stuff either. Right. Yeah he's like really in touch with his feelings and we do always talk about oh how does this make you feel but I kind of like that you know how does that make you feel how that person's acting?

Not just like a general thing. I like like the kind of insight with that that he might give me. Yeah, exactly. Like it would just be great to do. Oh, I would do that, too. I'd punch that. Oh, would you really? You know, I don't think it would feel very good. And like, I love that he's so in touch. So it's just good for you. And you're you're raising him that way.

So I think that's what you do. You just keep talking to them. You keep asking questions and then you check yourself. You're like, well, I'm being worried about this. Maybe I shouldn't be. So I think it's gonna help grow your relationship as well with your partner. Yeah, well, thank you for this question.

I know it's gonna help so many people and I feel like it's gonna help you too. It is, thank you. Good, I love it. Yeah, thank you. That was great advice, Emily. I appreciate it. I'm here for you. Awesome. Bye-bye. Bye. I love this question. I think that it is so important for us to continue to have conversations with our kids. We meet them where they're at. We use age-appropriate language. First, every

day there's opportunities in the media, on social media, in the press, in the news, whatever you're watching on TV, even cartoons. There are places where we can teach our kids lessons and we can have real talks to them without putting our own views about sex, but asking open-ended questions is really important. How did this make you feel? What does it make you think? And then you can correct as they go along. But think about it, like if you talk to your kids about this early and often, there's way less opportunity for them to feel shame and there have been studies that show in countries like in the Netherlands when they do have sex positive education starting at a very young age as early as kindergarten, kids have more healthy relationships to sex. They are less likely to get pregnant.

Their sex education is less about fear based with STDs and STIs and don't get pregnant and don't get sick, but it's also about pleasure. And that's a big part of the conversation that we're missing right now. So love this. You guys remember, talk to your kids no matter where they're at, no matter the age. It's time to start talking now. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like, subscribe,

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