Sex With Emily - How to Turn Sexual Fantasies into Reality

Episode Date: May 10, 2024

Eager to transform your hottest sexual fantasy into reality? Then today’s throwback Ask Emily show is for you! I'll be taking calls about fantasies and offering concrete tips on how to actualize them. However, it's essential to recognize that this journey is a blend of creativity and strategy. You must embrace your sensual desires, visualize intensely passionate — and perhaps even forbidden — scenarios, and explore what genuinely excites you! Lucky for you, I’ve given you tips on how to do just that. Right this way for some sexy self-discovery… In this episode you’ll learn:  How to go about finding a “third” if your partner’s been hinting at cuckolding The 411 on play parties (and how to stay safe if you go to one!) What to do if you’ve been craving a sexual fantasy, but your imagination’s been letting you down Show Notes: The Yes, No, Maybe List Fetlife Feeld #Open SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Sex With Emily: Home Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok  Let’s text: Sign Up Here Want me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.

Couples who have more of these conversations about their sex life have much better sex, more pleasurable sex, more orgasm, stronger connection. But it's awkward, Jan. People don't often do it, but that's my mission on the planet. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So you've got a sex fantasy and you're ready for it to become a reality.

That's great! But let me be the first to tell you, this process is part art, part science. The art? That's your erotic self. Closing your eyes and managing hot possibilities, maybe it's taboo scenarios, and taking the time to discover what turns you on. But the science? That's where we have to get tactical and think with our heads as well as our loins.

On today's Ask Emily Show, I take your calls on fantasy and give you practical advice on how to fulfill them. So let's say your partner has been hinting at a couple scenario. How do you go about finding a third and how do you manage expectations for all involved? We get into that. What about play parties? How do you ensure a consensual environment, making sure everyone

feels safe in the context of an orgy? I've got thoughts for you. And finally, what if you don't have any fantasies? It's common, but you actually want some. Is there a way to get more creative? Yeah, there is. Write this way for some sexy self-discovery. Please rate and review Sex with Emily

wherever you listen to the show. You guys, it totally helps us. You just look down on the app, wherever you're listening to this podcast right now and review us. We love a five star and we love a detailed review too. You can also find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter or X and Facebook.

Everything is at Sex With Emily. If you wanna ask me about your sex life, dating, relationships, call my hotline, 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or just go to SexWithEmily.com slash Ask Emily. And don't forget to check out my new articles, four secret sex drive killers and how to come on the face. You guys ask about that one a lot.

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Emily. Promessit.com slash Emily for your exclusive discount. Check it out. We have JR. He's 33 from Arizona. Hi. Hello. I'm fantastic. I'm very star-struck right now. Hello. It's nice to meet you. Nice to I'm fantastic. I'm very starstruck right now. Hello, it's nice to meet you. Thanks for calling in. Nice to meet you too. I have been following you for, I like to say since you were on with Dr. Drew, I think Loveline possibly. Oh yeah, Loveline.

Okay, yeah, that's a long time. Yeah, yeah, it's been a while. Cool, thank you. How can I help you? What's going on? What I was asking, so my wife and I have been married for over 10 years now. We've had, we have two little boys. We have an eight-year-old and a four-year-old and we always like to keep things fresh when it comes to our love life in the bedroom or just in general. We are very sexual beings toward each other all the time. We love each other and I love

her to death. She's like my everything. What I struggle with more than anything is that I want to fulfill her fantasies. And I can't find a way for her to tell me what they are, if there is anything. And when I do ask her, she just is whatever makes you happy, makes me happy. And I am a, I'm a giver. I like to give, I like to, you know, ask those questions and everything, because I want to make sure she's happy. And I know she is, but I just, that's my block that I have is how do I get her to let me know

what else does she want to do? What else does she want to explore? Is there anything else she wants to explore or have we tapped into everything? Yeah. Well, here's a great thing about sex. I don't think we ever tap into all of it. I think there's always more.

However, let me tell you this, Cher, some people don't have fantasies. Some women fantasize, some men fantasize, some don't. Totally typical. For those people I would just suggest you got to go out and find them, which is fun. You can think about some of her past, like you could ask her what are the most memorable times you've had sex, because in that answer you'll be able to find out maybe why was it memorable? Was it because we were on vacation? Was it spontaneous? Did something happen that was different?

You know, there's some kernels of information that could help you lead a trail to what she's into or what turned her on. You know, you guys could read erotica together or watch porn. Do you have fantasies too that you wanna try that maybe might turn her on? Right, no, and that's what we've talked about

because I, of course I have fantasies, right? And I talk about it and she goes, well, let's do it, let's try it out. You know, I'm all about it, you know, and We do you know, it's just it's hard in between kids, you know, like you have kids all day You're running around so it's like when in and I don't like planning like Tuesday at 4 we're going to do this And that's not how we are. We are more spontaneous and if it happens it happens, but I will say we're very active We've okay good. We have sex at least five times a week and I'm not saying intercourse but you know as far as overall and we've been married for ten years now so... That's

really impressive I love it so you're just saying you want to expand and you want to grow. You also know an easy way is our yes no maybe list which is on our website which so people love that. It has 80 things on it from like kissing to cuddling to spanking to pegging. Is it a yes? Is it a no? Is it a maybe? And then you guys can like teach take that quiz and like swap lists. So there's different ways to get it going. And typically it is a conversation outside the bedroom. Do you guys do date night still, I hope, with a four-year-old and an eight-year-old? Yeah, it's difficult. But what we do is I, it's kind of funny, I will look at the kids to bed and I'll have her dress up and I'll dress up and

I'll do like a candlelit dinner out back if we can. So like I try to keep it like, you know, okay, we're on a date night because all of our family's out of town. We don't have any family out here. They're hours away. So when they do come in town, we do sneak one in. But for the most part, it's hard. It comes far and too between and trying to find the right sitter. Can you guys afford? But it's really important. Like there have been actually studies that have shown that couples who have a non-negotiable date night every week have better sex, more pleasure, more all these things that have a better relationship because it has to be that time that's like you're non-negotiable. So maybe you could find a sitter once you

make that a priority. I know it's hard to find one, but it's important. Yeah, and that's, I think we just need to dive more into like actually truly finding one, you know? I mean, I just, there's gotta be something out there. So I just think we need to take more effort into finding a sitter rather than maybe some, maybe one will come by, you know, like. Yeah, find a sitter, talk to your friends,

talk to your friends with kids and say, do you have anyone that you like? And that's how it gets started. There's sometimes, there are also some apps too that you could help find you babysitters. And I think that that would be a really great first step. Couples just forget and then years go by and they're like, we've never been without the kids.

It's been a year, it's been two years. And it's really important for you guys to nurture your own relationship as well and give that time. That's awesome. Yeah, I know that's fantastic. I didn't even think about like the use of the erotica reading and everything like that. She's a huge reader. So that would be awesome. That's great tip. Get some erotica. Rachel Kramer Bustle, like Google best erotica. I think we have some on

website and just start reading. Read her in the tub or something. Make it a sexy night. Have her lay down and you'll give her a massage and read to her. You know, just see what gets her going because you'll start to know when her body starts to move, she gets turned on. So yeah, I love this. That's awesome. Yeah. Let me know how it goes. Okay. I definitely will. Thanks for taking time.

Of course. So great. So thank you for everything. I appreciate it. Yes, of course. I'm so glad to see you. Thank you. Thank you so much.

I love that they're a happy couple. Things are great. They have sex five times a week, but remember sometimes it's not about how many times a week you're having sex. It's about are you both getting your needs met? Is it quality sex over quantity? But they seem very happy. They just have to have some more conversations. And I hope this has inspired some of you right now to get a babysitter if you don't have one.

Because it is so important to still prioritize your relationship. When you have kids, when life happens, you have to always say, we are doing this date night. It's going to happen and we're going to do everything we can to make sure it happens. Even if you leave and go around the corner somewhere, it's just important to get out of the house, agree that you're not going to talk about the kids, continue to get to know each other and have those conversations that you had at the beginning when you fell in love. And that's going to help everything. It's going to help your turn-ons. It's going to help you guys connect more. so I'm a huge fan.

This email is from Anna, 22 in London. Hey Dr. Emily, my boyfriend and I have been long distance for two months now, we've gotten into the swing of engaging in phone or FaceTime sex. My boyfriend's really good at dirty talk and knowing what to say while we are on the phone. However, I get a little quiet and don't know what to say but would love to contribute. I try to think of what I'd

want him to be doing to me or what an experience has been like between us in the past, but I can't ever get the words out to properly do it any justice. Any tips? Alright, yes Anna. Well, I think what you're saying here is that you're doing a lot of things that I recommend talking about something that's happened in the past and something that you want to happen in the future. Well, what you're doing a lot of things that I recommend talking about something that's happened in the past and something that you want to happen in the future. What you're saying here is that doesn't work for you because you just can't get the words out of your mouth. So here's what you need to do. Practice your dirty tongue voice. Do it in the shower or when you're driving or you're getting ready

and you're looking in the mirror. Practice saying it out loud like you are an actor and you're preparing your lines for a scene Because it's a new part of yourself and it's not fake and it's not wrong and there's no problem practicing if you guys are thinking Oh, that's going to make me feel worse. Not at all It's going to make you feel way more comfortable when the situation goes down And you can also maybe when you're masturbating you could practice your dirty talk voice when you're alone You can think about like what would I be saying right now and just practice. There's no one around they don't have to hear you. Maybe you could listen to erotica as well. That's a

great way to hear how other people are doing it and then you could stop it and you can listen to it and make it at your own. Deepening your voice, talking slower and just being really really descriptive about what you want from your partner and saying, I remember the last time we were together. I can't stop thinking about the way your hands felt on my ass. You could even write it out, Anna. You could write these things out that you might want to say and then practice them. So that's what I'm hearing from you.

It just takes a little bit of practice. And once you do it, it still might be a little stressful the first time, a little anxious, but once you get the words out, you're gonna be so impressed that you're able to do this and you're gonna be a master dirty talker, sexter, FaceTime-er in no time. Feel good about this one, Anna. Let me know how it goes.

We have Laura 32 from Iowa. Hi, Laura. Hi. How can I help you? This is so exciting. So my partner gets really turned on when he thinks about me with someone else or could have the opportunity to see me with someone else. And I want to know what the best way to introduce a third party into that is. Cause I love that and I'm fine with it.

And I get turned on by the fact that he wants to claim me after more or less, which I think is so hot, but I want to know how to still keep it light and fun with introducing a third person and then exiting a third person. Okay. First, so is this third person a man? Yes. I'm assuming he wants to watch you with a man. Do you want to know about how you can find someone, go about finding a third? Yeah, because we've talked about it before and he's thought about, you know, us going out and approaching someone, but I feel like that's kind of risky because you don't know what the reaction

on the third party is going to be. So I want to know how to find someone, but then in my mind, I picture like that third party exiting and it just being us two again. So I want to know what the best way to go about it is while still keeping it like sexual and fun and not like awkward radio silence, you know? It's such a great question because you're like, well, I want to have sex, but I don't want to connect with this person. Like I don't want to have like, we're not going to cuddle. We're going to have leave. There's like play parties you can go to. Do you know of any play parties in your area?

There's a website called FetLife, F-E-T-L-I-F-E. There's apps like even the apps like OKCupid. And there's another one called Field, F-E-E-L-D. And even there's one called also Hashtag Open. These are all sites, websites that can kind of help you find a third partner. So you can even like say what you're looking for exactly. You don't have to show your faces. So that's one way to do it.

There's also like there are play parties. So I'm trying to think if there's like a meetup for play parties and how you cause you're in Iowa. So I'm not sure if there's as many other are in LA like in LA there's like a probably a play party going on right now. But it's a little bit different. I know like probably in Iowa, but I'm sure they exist. And so it would just be, do you have any friends who've been open or a little kid?

I've had friends in like kink world, if you will. So I'm sure they would know So I would ask them it just takes one person like once you find one person so then they have parties that are play parties and you have to be invited to go and usually It's couples and single women and there's different kind of rules around there But that's where you guys would just start getting comfortable with other people, you know around and seeing if you like someone Yeah, so however you find this third though and you first you want to know, maybe you FaceTime them or you go out for a drink first, you get to know them, but if you're like, I don't even want

to know them, then you would really be clear about it and you'd say, this is exactly what I'm looking for. Like once you put it out there, what you're looking for, as far as just finding a third, you'd say, we're not interested in any kind of other, hang it out after, it's really just for the sex. And you're just clear, this is a boundary. Tell them what your boundaries are, include everything that's off the table, and then ask them if they've heard what you've said and have them repeat it back,

and you can even ask what they're into, what they'd like out of the situation. And then it's just like clear, and then you get to go about your business. Yeah. You will find someone. Yeah. I mean, I think it's just a matter of saying people do this all the time.

They go, I don't do sleepovers or I don't feel great with penetration. You know, I don't think we can make out like people it's you're allowed to have your boundaries and state them. Yeah. Do you think cause not like in my head, I think I probably need to set those boundaries with my partner too. Right? Yes. them. Do you think because not like in my head I think I probably need to set those boundaries with my partner too right? Yes. And that's probably from my triggers from previous relationships where I'm like what do you want to see this is really for you? You know and what are you okay

with what are you not okay with? You said that you've talked about it like dirty talk it or has he has he explained to you okay so that it's probably pretty explicit and so I think that you've talked about it, like dirty talk it, or has he explained to you, okay. So that it's probably pretty explicit. And so I think that you just wanna clarify and say, I wanna make sure that you're okay with me having sex with someone in front of you, is there anything off limits? And then you guys should also have a safe word. I would recommend that you guys have your own safe word where you can communicate in case,

we can dirty talk, threesomes and kinks all we want, but when it's actually happening sometimes, you can get in the moment. You can be like, no, I do not want this to happen. So definitely talking to him. And it sounds like you're making all the right, you're asking all the right questions here. Yeah, cause I want, I want it to be enjoyable.

And this is new for me, but I want to do it for him. So I want to make sure that it is enjoyable and nothing can fall through the cracks to ruin the moment. Okay, well, what do you want out of it? Are you doing it just to please your partner or? I think it's exciting. Just because every girl wants to be wanted, so to be wanted and then wanted more. I'm excited for that.

But I am so sexually pleased with my partner that it's like a fantasy for him. So I want to make sure that like I'm fulfilling his fantasies so then he can fulfill mine. Right. Okay. Yeah. No. It sounds like you guys have a really fun relationship and you're really open and talking about all these things. So I think that it's just really conversation, you know? Communication is lubrication and talking and maybe even writing it down. Because sometimes people don't always hear things that you're saying and I would have a contract if you want to be safe and you want it. Sounds like you guys are have great communication, but it's really good to like kind of see the

writing. Yeah. This is what we're agreeing to and it can be really hot to go back to and read it sometimes. But I think okay good. We'll check out those apps. I would talk to them about it and have fun. And now I want to hear what. Yeah, well, hopefully I have an exciting update for you soon, it's birthdays on Friday. Oh, can we do it by Friday? You got some time. Yeah, it's only Tuesday. I think you'll be able to find what you're looking for.

I feel good. Okay, thanks Laura. Thank you. Of course, I appreciate it. Thank you for calling in. Absolutely, have a good one. You too, bye. So what Laura was talking about there was, we call it a cuckolding in. Absolutely. Have a good one. You too. Bye. So what Laura was talking

about there was we call it a cuckolding in the business when a man has a fantasy about seeing his partner with another woman and I know it's not for everybody. I know a lot of you think now I would lose my mind if my if my woman was having sex with someone else in front of me. Oh my god. Well guess what? It's not for you. This is for some people. It is a fantasy. It's a common fantasy and what I love about this, whether it's a threesome bringing in another woman or whoever you're bringing in, it's important to have really clear boundaries with your partners to talk about your yeses and your nos and to make sure that you are both on

the same page, that you're both attracted to the person. If it's going to be a threesome in this situation, you know, I think that she's thinking about it all right. Hey, I'm not going to tell you try it. I'll be back with more of your calls after a short break from our sponsors and Josh has a question about our Yes, No, Maybe list. I'll be right back. We have Josh. He's 31 in Los Angeles. Hey, Josh. Hey, first off, I watched your master class with my partner the other day and we absolutely loved it. Oh, I'm so glad. Thank you. Yeah, I mean, well, it was refreshing to hear about sex because we've never taken a class about it before. And I think it was just great to hear

like a well put together course about it. It was really helpful. Oh, I'm so glad to hear that. What was one thing that you took away from it? I forgot what you exactly called it, but it was kind of like a list of things that couples can basically check if they, I think it was sort of-

Yes, yeah. Yes, no, maybe, less. Yeah, there we go. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And I think the maybe less part is pretty genius because it's like, it's not a yes or no, or maybe it's kind of like, well, we could do that more, we could do that less. So I think you've covered all the nuances.

Oh, good. Well, oh, that makes me so happy. Yeah, I really love doing that course and it's impacted a lot of people. Yeah, that's at Master Well, oh, that makes me so happy. Yeah, I really love doing that course and it's impacted a lot of people. Yeah, that's at MasterClass, everyone of masterclass.com. So Josh, how can I help you? What's going on? Talk to me.

Well, I'm in a bit of a unique situation. To give you some context, I run a sex positive private membership club for couples. What we do is we throw a masquerade party once a month in Los Angeles. And it's typically in a mansion with many bedrooms where members go to play with others. And eventually these bedrooms will become orgy rooms.

It's a fun and liberating experience, but there are many bodies touching other bodies. And we've never had a problem before. Members are generally respectful and understand all the nuances around consent. But I wanna be mindful about keeping our members safe and comfortable. So my question is, how should our members think

about practicing consent in an orgy environment? Well, first, I think that's amazing. And you're going to get a lot of people who are going to want to find your club here in Los Angeles, including myself. So let's talk about the tenants of consent. It needs to be explicit, ongoing, and coherent. So what do I mean by that?

Consent, it has to be affirmative. So if they're not saying hell yes, well, it's a hell no. Are they explicit and was it a yes? We also have it has to be ongoing. Ongoing means just because I said yes last night, last week, last year when we had sex, it doesn't mean that I am saying yes this time. You can't assume that my yeses carries over to every time we have sex. For example, maybe I loved anal sex last time we had sex, but I'm not feeling it tonight.

So for you to make that assumption would be outside of the consent bubble. So make sure that my consent is ongoing by checking in with each other. Maybe they had too many drinks or some other substances and they're not aware of their surroundings. In these kinds of situations, a yes might be uttered, but don't start undressing just yet

because the consent is not affirmative. We have to listen. Listening is more than just hearing words. We have to have clarity. Both partners' minds have to be clear and have to freely consent to sex. I'm like, come on, how many times have you done something regrettable after a night of seriously being intoxicated? A lot of us, I think, can relate to saying

yes in situations when we were drinking too much and we might have had regrets. So it's hard to get affirmative consent when someone is intoxicated. Remember these tenants of consent and make sure that everyone is well aware of them. You could even share them with the guests who come in every night You could print them out you could share them in an app and a waiver make sure that people are aware that consent is sexy and The only guests invited are the people who are willing to sign up for all of them And I know that people think oh, that's kind of a buzzkill But I think it just is first of all it can be really hot like, God, I think it'd be so hot to see you naked

right now. Can I take off your pants? Yeah. And also then you just know like you're consenting as you go. So where would you say is the best place to sort of draw the line between, because, you know, as a club owner, I have to then decide if someone comes up to me and says, Hey, I've been As a club owner, I have to then decide if someone comes up to me and says, hey, I've been touched about consent. It's like, where do we draw a line between touch and straight sexual assault? If someone just touches you here,

is that enough for me to say, hey, all right, that person that touched you there needs to be thrown out? Or should we talk about it? Or is it just like, look, if a body penetrates another inside another body, then that's, that's obviously clear to me. But what do you, what would you say? What is the

best way? I would recommend like, I would get a lawyer actually, and I would have your consent forms like written out by a lawyer to make sure that people are signing, you know, that they're knowing that they're entering a party or a waiver even. But if that happens in the moment, I would definitely talk to the person where it happened, have them sit down for a moment and talk about it

because it feels like, yeah, at a play party, yeah, someone might brush by you or touch you, but yeah, if someone grabbed you and you said no, I mean, I think that that would be a clear no. So I feel like the thing that I have found in the play parties I've been to is that people who go to play parties I have found are really respectful. Right. And careful. They have a whole language around it. And everyone's just happy to be there. And I feel like they don't really push it.

But I'm not saying there haven't been some, he said, she said, bad situations have happened. I know from one sex educator who went to a play party years ago, something came up years later that someone had tried to say no. And some, one of those like gray area situations and he really, they came after him and it wasn't, it wasn't good. So we have so much more language around it now, I hope. So I don't want to be like, Oh, everyone's going to know what to do, but you're going to know by case by case basis.

And if someone's there and they're like, this person upset me, I think that you call them all together in a moment and you just say, hey, let's talk about it. And I'm sorry that happened. Do you need something? I can call you an Uber and send you home right now. So has anything happened at all? Has there been any feedback that's? No, thankfully members have been always respectful. Our parties also, I think naturally filters out people who may be disrespectful because we have a dress code, men go in black tie, women in cocktail dress or lingerie. And I think, you know, we're a little bit higher price than typical lifestyle clubs. But I think, you know, we're a little bit higher priced than typical lifestyle clubs.

But I think that sort of naturally filters out bad. I think it does. It's all really great questions. But as long as you have it really clear in the language, and you can even say something at the start of the party, you can even have a little thing that you say to everyone that we're all here on our honor. You know, I want to trust everybody. But if you if something happens, please come tell me and people are signing up for a party. Like they're signing up for a, you know, essentially an orgy. So, um, you know what I mean? Like I hope that you have a lot of, lots of pleasure and a really good time and

you don't have anything like this happen there, but if you do just remember communication is important everywhere and someone's got to be sober and be in charge. So it sounds like you're building a really great community. So maybe everyone's going to have each other's back. Yeah. Just be careful and trust your gut too, you know? If there's someone like, I don't know about that person. I have a weird feeling.

Trust that feeling. Yeah, absolutely. Thank you. I appreciate it. Of course. Yeah, my pleasure. Sounds like a good time. Is it a new club?

Yeah. Well, we've been around for about two years. We typically do it in Hollywood. It'll be an honor for you to come by sometime. Sure. Yeah, I'd love to come by. Send us some information. Okay. Okay, cool. Thanks Josh. Have fun. I appreciate it. My pleasure. Bye Josh. Thanks. Alright guys, listen, even in a play party, we need consent everywhere. I want you guys to remember this, that consent is important to remember, that it's clear, coherent, it's willing, it's ongoing, and we have to remember to be honest. Anytime we're participating in sexual activity, just because you wanted something last time,

remember, doesn't mean you want it this time. And even in your own, like just know if sex isn't a hell yes for you, then it's a hell no. You should want to be doing what you're doing in the moment. And if you don't, you don't owe anyone anything. You don't have to finish what you started. I think that just saying, I actually changed my mind. I'm not comfortable with this right now. Even can we slow it down?

Sometimes no is just not yet. I really like, you know, sometimes when you're having sex with someone, it escalates too quickly. And you might think, well, I just, you could say to them, you know, let's stop for a minute. I want to breathe. And maybe we can go back to the making out. That was really fun. That felt really good. I think that's what I'd like to do right now.

Or just being clear, you guys, saying the things that you think you can't say. What is really going on in the moment? Not worrying so much about what the other person thinks, but more like taking care of yourself. Meaning they're gonna be okay if you don't want to follow through. And even if you wanted it last time, you don't need it this time. So that's consent everyone. Look for those hell yeses. Hi Janet. Thanks for calling. How can I help you? So I'm calling because, so my partner and I, we have a good sex life and he's very kind and considerate and a considerate lover. But he asked me, he's asked many times in the past,

like what my sexual fantasies are and wants to know what I wanna do and what he can do to make me happy and stuff. And it's the frustrating thing for me is that I'm already fine or happy with the things that we do. And I feel like I'm not very creative. And so I feel like I, it's, and again, it's not that he's, you know, there's like a whole huge amount of pressure or whatever, but I feel like I, I don't really

have any other real fantasies. I grew up in a pretty strict Catholic, you know, home, sex before marriage was not okay, masturbation was really wrong and stuff. And so I feel like that's played a part in my creativity, I guess. And so I feel like I'm not very creative. It's not that I'm not open to ideas. I just don't have ideas. Does that make sense? I got it. Yes, absolutely. You are in the perfect situation right now because you're open and you're willing willing but you just don't have any fantasies and that's really common. I hear this from people all the

time like some people's brains are more creative sexually and some aren't and that's all okay. Now you get to go deeper into what what you do like like it maybe it could here's a few prompts for you that might help you figure it out because it's a journey. So first thing I would be honest with your partner and say I don't have a lot of fantasies, but want to go on a ride with me? Let's figure out what they are. You could start to think about some of your most memorable sexual experiences. Even you could even do that for yourself and just think about,

what was I the most turned on about? And, you know, or maybe with this partner, was there a night that was particularly hot, was something happening? And so you can kind of look at your own sexual history and think about things like that that might just kind of get you to start thinking what's hot for you. Maybe it was unexpected or spontaneous or you were dressed up or you were outside in nature. You know, maybe something happened. Start to think about some really hot moments. Also, you know, maybe you guys could read erotica to each other or find some hot sex scenes in movies or watch ethical porn.

So I don't think there should be any shame that you don't have any, but I think you might have some fun trying out what your turn on is. What do you think about that? So that's thank you. Those are really good suggestions. I appreciate that. I feel like talking ahead of time because sometimes I feel like in the moment I'm like, I don't know, like a deer on the headlights

or something. Oh, well, here's what my thing is that I always tell couples to talk about this stuff outside the bedroom. So it doesn't happen in the moment. It's timing, turf, and tone. I always say like your tone has to be light and curious and open. The turf is outside the bedroom,

maybe when you're going on a walk or you're having dinner. And the timing is when you guys are feeling good, you're hanging out, you're not fighting about something or talking about something else. So in the moment, a lot of us can't answer stuff in the moment, but that's why you have to say, you know what, I want to talk to you about our sex life. Here's what I think is really hot. And you ask you about fantasies, but I've told you, I don't have any. But here's what does turn me out or here I would you like to

explore with me let's figure it out together so just know that some people do some people don't nothing wrong with you that's very helpful I appreciate that yeah I feel like he has some ideas that he doesn't you know that he that maybe he's afraid to share with me and but I'm open to a lot. Oh, well, this is great, Janet. I think that he probably does have fantasies. That's the other part of this is to say, here's my fantasies, what are your fantasies? And that's how you're gonna find out what he's into,

what you're into. This is gonna be great. It sounds like you already, you know, you're getting a sense that he's got some things he wants to talk to you about. So maybe he does. And then remember, you get to ask questions and say, tell me more about that.

Oh, that's really new for me. I haven't known that. Tell me more about that fantasy. Cause it might be something that you're just sort of haven't heard of or don't really understand. Just say, tell me more about that. When did you first have that? How would it go down?

What would it look like? And the couples who have more of these conversations about their sex life have much better sex, more pleasurable sex, more orgasm, stronger connection. But it's awkward, Janet. People don't often do it, but that's my mission on the planet. So I promise it works.

Thanks, Janet. Okay, guys, this is like the basic, this is like what I talk to you guys about all the time, that it is okay to have these conversations. It's okay if you fantasize. It's okay if you don't fantasize. It's okay if you're afraid to have this conversation. It's okay if you love talking about sex. It's okay if you're afraid to have this conversation. It's okay if you love talking about sex.

It's okay if you've never talked about sex. It's all okay. It's just finding ways to talk about it in a way that is not shaming and blaming and healthy. And it's really in all the name of being a great lover to yourself and to your partner. It's the most important talk and we can do. This is from Jessie, 34 in California.

Hey, Dr. Emily, heterosexual cisgender female here and I absolutely love your podcast. I enjoy sex with my boyfriends, current and past, but often can't orgasm unless I'm fantasizing about someone else, a past lover, someone in my life, an imagined lover, having sex with me instead. This isn't a shared fantasy or kinky game between my partners and me. Actually, I'm sure they'd be hurt if they knew that.

Generally when I'm orgasming really hard, I'm fantasizing about another man. I'd like to be present and emotionally available to my partner while enjoying sexual intimacy together, but there's clearly some block that I can't figure out. Help. All right, Jesse. Well, let me tell you this. It is really, really common to have fantasies about someone else. In fact, in a study conducted by the Journal of Sex Research, 80 percent of women,

98 percent of men fantasize about someone other than their partner. What I'm hearing is it sounds like a little bit of disassociation. If every single time you're with a partner, you have to fantasize about someone else. It means that you are disassociated from the situation with an intimacy really. You're being really intimate with a person that you are with. That's really challenging for you it sounds like to orgasm. So I feel like you are in a practice of you're getting close to orgasm, you're with someone else and your mind goes to now I got to fantasize about someone else. So it's gonna take a little bit of rewiring and undoing that

pattern. The best way for you to figure out how to be more connected to the partner you're with is to actually engage with that partner in a way that will enhance intimacy. For example, it could be some dirty talk that you're exchanging back and forth during sex. It could be a little bit of role-playing, some dominant or submissive play, some BDSM. Maybe it's just some light kinky bondage where they tie you up or blindfold you. What I'm saying here is that when you are actually engaged in activity with the person you're having sex with, you're more likely to be present and focused on that partner.

And so your mind doesn't have time to wander into the past and to think about somebody else when you're truly feeling intimate and connected. And the thing that I love about acting out fantasies with partners and role playing and why I talk about this stuff so much is because it's a way to ground you in the present moment and to feel again feel connected with the person you're with. So that's what I recommend for you is having some conversations with your lovers before you have sex and just to letting them know what you're into and then it might be fun to play with some other scenarios because I think you'll find that when you are engaged in some fun

play in the moment you won't have as much time to go to your habits of the past. Okay? So let me know how it goes, Justy. Thanks for your email. That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or a partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter or X and Facebook. It's all at Sex with Emily. Oh and I've been told I give really good email so sign up on SexWithEmily.com and while you're there check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you'd

like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or just go to SexWithEmily.com slash Ask Emily. Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at SexWithEmily.com.