Sex With Emily - Hungry, Horny & Your Other Half's Habits

Episode Date: October 23, 2018

On today’s show, Emily is answering emails and giving insight to your sex and relationship quandaries. She covers which foods can make or break your sex drive, how to know if your partner is bad for YOU – or just bad at relationships, and what to do when your partner is “too” close with an ex. Plus, she gives some tips on how to get past your partner’s self-love habits. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Magic Wand, Uberlube, DeoDoc, Apex Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit: sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily on Today's show. I'm answering emails and giving you some insight to your sex and relationship quandaries. Topics include food for sex thought, the foods that can make or break your sex drive. Is your partner bad for you or just bad at relationships and getting past your partner's self-love habits? All this and more, thanks for listening. habits. All this and more, thanks for listening. Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common all the way? What do you mean like laundry? It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so, so, so, so. Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. What's your relationship? You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between for more information.

Go to sexwithemily.com. Check out all the good stuff happening there. You can follow us on social media everywhere at Sex with Emily. So today's show, I wanted to open up with an email that we got from a listener, and you guys know I love hearing from all of you. I love getting your questions, and I love getting your feedback and I always say to you guys like, so what have you learned or tell me what happens with your situation? And I really always I always want to know, right?

I just want to read this to you because it really touched me and my team when we read this and it just made realize it's going to probably inspire you to know that actually our sex lives can constantly be expanding. Wherever we are now is not what we have to stay. And so this is from a listener and I just think you're gonna be able to see how things can get better no matter what's going on. So this is from Abby. Dear Emily, I found her podcast at what I would consider the lowest part of my life. I just got on it emotionally and physically abusive relationship. My view on sex was tainted, my opinion of men was lower than low, and my self-esteem was crushed. Through your strong words of encouragement, I was not only able to pick myself up, but

I went to therapy, as you often suggest. Since then, every day I wake up with a burning passion to set and accomplish goals. I'm always finding the positive lesson every situation and my communication skills are far superior to whatever to whatever I could have imagined. My personal goal for 2018 was to find my G-Spot and have an internal orgasm. For Christmas last year, I bought myself the intensity. While continuing to listen to your podcasts and using my intensity, I've been able to deeply connect with myself and was finally able to have my first G-Spot orgasm.

Emily, not only did it physically feel like a weight was lifted off my back, I felt like this whole journey has led me to where I need to be. I am strong, confident, and secure, and this is all thanks to you. Thank you for everything you do. I write this with tears in my eyes. I hope you know the positive impact you make on this world. Forever grateful, Abby, 25 in Kansas. And now this, because me tears in my eyes, I hope you know the positive impact you make on this world. Forever grateful, Abby, 25 in Kansas. And now this, because me tears in my eyes.

Because when I read this, I just thought, God, you know, this is a minute here doing the show and I know a lot of people are listening, but it just, it makes me feel so good that you could have this kind of transformation and share it. And I'm so glad, Abby, that you did and I'm so happy to be a part of your journey and that I could be there lending support even from so many miles away that's kind of the magic of podcasts which I love that it can reach people everywhere like really no one's excluded from this from this journey and from joining in with the sexually family to kind of figure out where you want to go and what's possible for your sex life. So I was just really inspired by that and I'm touched and thank you for sharing that with me. And I hope you all know that if you've been looking

for your G-Spot, it can happen. If you've been looking for better sex or straightening your relationship, whatever it is, it is possible. Anything's actually possible when you get your heart in mindset and what you really want to happen sexually, anything can happen. So I think, okay, let's get into some sex in the news.

Here's some foods to boost your sex drive and a few that kill it. Since we can ask about sex drives all the time because it's so goddamn confusing, why am I turned on one day and the next day I'm not, just no first before I get into these foods thing, it doesn't mean if you pound a bunch of walnuts, you're all of a sudden gonna be turned on all the time.

It's not about that. It's really the basic understanding that your sex drive changes. It really does. Like, certain times a month, especially for women, we're more into it than others. So there's a lot of factors, but here are some foods that could have an impact

on your sex drive. Because I know that when you don't have a lot of sexual desire, it can mean a lot of stress in your relationship. And you know that good nutrition helps with better sex across the board, but here's specific foods, right? So here are some foods, lesser known foods that you could snack on to help with your libido, and as well as some that might kill your sexual appetite.

You guys, and again, not gonna kill it forever, but just keep this in mind, walnuts. So walnuts, and I've been hearing this from like my naturopath, and everyone keeps talking about goddamn walnuts. I'm not even a huge fan of walnuts, but walnuts are like the new kale knot. I swear to God, they're like everyone's talking about them.

So they've been proven to reduce migraines and fight cancer causing free radicals. And according to a naturopathic physician, walnuts and pistachios recharge the human libido and enhance sexual appetite. Wow, I ate like a pound of pistachios a day, not a day, but like a week when I was in Greece and I was also in Greece,

but hey, it didn't pack my libido. So there you go. The other thing about quality fat foods, and it increases estrogen levels in women. So this is a big thing lately, because I'm telling you something about hormones are still very much a mystery to many medical professionals. And they really, it controls so much

of what we feel and experience, and especially our sex drives. So estrogen, which quality fat foods increase estrogen, and estrogen enhances feelings of intimacy, bolsters overall well-being, and you might be more receptive to your partner. It's also a good source of healthy fat. So think about these estrogen-building foods and healthy fats. Next one is berries. Berries can enhance libido, and also blackberries, raspberries and strawberries

can help with your sexual endurance and your libido. They have significant levels of zinc, which is essential for sexual desire in men and women and also, you guys guess what? High zinc consumption has a link to increase testosterone levels and sperm production, right? Who knows, it can't hurt, right? Who doesn't like a berry now and then?

Broccoli? Broccoli, whoever hated broccoli. Like right? And who doesn't like a berry now and then? Broccoli? Broccoli, who ever hated broccoli? Like one day, well, since everything's bad for you, you can just imagine that broccoli's terrible, but no, broccoli's also good for your sex drive. Vitamin C, AIDS and overall circulation, improve blood flow, and then ginger. Omega-3's, ginger, garlic, and chili, all-contain,

a compound which relaxes and loosens blood vessels and slightly thins a blood itself,es and loosens blood vessels and slightly thins a blood itself and get the blood flowing in all the places you wanted to. And we did great show with Max Lugovir who wrote a book called Genius Foods. He was on a few months ago and he talks a ton about eggs. I mean eggs are definitely making a comeback. It used to be Don't Eat the Whites or just eat the yellows or don't eat the yellows. The whole thing.

But eggs turned out are super, super nutritious and they're great for our minds and our bodies. So it sells here that eggs have L-Argeny, which helps to alleviate erectile dysfunction and high levels of B5 and B6, which balance hormone levels in women. I love a good egg. I'm having that two eggs a day and it feels good. You don't get hungry. Eggs are great for the morning. I'm telling you, I know you all know that.

Eggs have been around forever, but it is a great way to start your hungry. Eggs are great for the morning. I'm telling you, I know you all know that. Eggs have been around forever, but it is a great way to start your day. Foods that kill your sex drive, this should be no surprise to you, except for ones kind of strange here, processed foods and refined carbohydrates, not great for you. So wheat, grains, all that stuff, not great for that.

Diet, fizzy drinks, and the artificial sweetener, which is a bummer, like even diet coke, asper team that all reduces serotonin levels, which is happening in our brain, and then you'll feel less content and less likely to want to have sex. Alcohol, I'm sorry, it might get you in the mood,

but it's also depressing. It's that next day blues interferes with the man's ability to achieve and maintain direction dairy products, excessive consumption of cow's milk and cheese tamper with your hormone balance, and licorice can suppress the production of testosterone. So there are some foods just to be thinking about.

I'm not saying if you get some licorice at the movies or you have a diet fizzy drink, you're no longer one, I have sex again. I'm just saying these are things to consider when we're talking about your sex drive. So this next article, how to know if your partner is just bad at relationships or, you know, just bad person. And here's what I realized, is that, and we've all done this, Steve.

I'm sure people have said this about me in the past. It's really easy to say, well, this person's not relationship material or, you know, they just keep forgetting dates that you make and they flake out on you and they give you excuses and they're just not leading. They're not, they don't seem like great contenders as a partner. But the truth is, we struggle with so many relationships, being good at a relationship is something that takes time and learning. So I don't know anybody like I would be suspicious of somebody who's just like always great at relationships having never been in one. Now you could have kind skills.

You could be a good person and you're good to your neighbors and your friends and your family. But learning how to communicate and navigate a relationship actually takes being in a relationship with a quality partner and someone who also wants to learn along with you. So I thought some of these examples here might make you think, oh, you know what, maybe my partner isn't so bad after all, we just need to learn some things together. First one is their definition of intimacy is sex. Now I think this is very, very common.

A lot of people think we had sex, so therefore we've been close and we should feel intimate but emotional intimacy. That's a whole other thing. Like the emotional part of being vulnerable with someone and really being able to talk about like, you know, your deep, darkest feelings and being able to, that's what we're talking about here. And your partner might seem like they're bad at it because they've never been taught how a good relationship looks and feels. And I can tell you, coming from a family of divorce, I mean, my parents got divorced when I was eight. I, they each got remarried three times.

I had four different step parents. I couldn't have told you what a healthy family life looked like. No, I could, I knew I was loved by my parents, and I had support, but I couldn't say to you, this is what, healthy, so that takes learning. And that's just my scenario. So look at the person you're doing, they literally might just not know,

which is sort of an aha moment, right? The other point is, if your partner is genuinely sorry when they forget important dates, like maybe they forget your anniversary or they don't give you something when they get back from a business trip or they forget to ask about how your big meeting went.

And you might just be like, they don't care, they're out of town, they don't think of me, I decide I don't give you something when they get back from business trip or they forget to ask about how your big meeting went and you might just be like, they don't care, they're out of town, they don't think of me, out of sight, out of mind. But that is not always the case. And you can kind of tell the difference between a bad partner from someone who's like bad at relationships by figuring out their actions. Like if their intent was to remember or was to bring you something but they just like, they just forgot, like they just thought, you know, I'm out there and I'm busy and I wasn't thinking,

but you can tell that they're hurt by it and they want to improve, you just might need to be patient and remind them. There's a lot in relationship that's kind of behavioral modification. So maybe you just said, yeah, that kind of hurt my feelings. So maybe next time when you go away, you'll remember. And then there's nothing wrong with planting the seed again.

When they're leaving on a trip, you could say, God, I can't wait to see you get me this time then they remember oh, oh, hi It's really important to get you know my partner a a a a a trinket when I go away or don't forget about our dinner on Thursday If you'd for mine like six times like if they care about you like they really want to learn as well And the partners who like just say oh, yeah I don't know that wasn't important to me then you're to know that those are actually the ones that aren't created relationships, but the ones that aren't great yet, you're going to tell it they're receptive and open to learning. Because most time our partners want to please us, they really do.

The other one is, they have a lot going on in their life and relationship, and the relationship feels like it's less of a priority. Learning to be an adult and to have a full-on job, a career, and a relationship is so not easy. Like, just learning to be single, living on your own, pay your bills, all these things, and then you have a relationship. No one teaches that, so it can't be just a challenge for people to juggling a relationship with work and other obligations. They might just not take the time to nurture the romantic relationship simply because they don't know how and they don't have the experience. So I think it's okay to let them know that like this is how it's done.

It's important for me that we set aside Saturday night so we have the certain amount of hours a week and it's all in negotiation. And then they're like, okay, I see, I can work around that. So really rather than jumping to assumptions about what it means when your partner isn't available, you might just need to show them the best way to work it into their lives. I can work around that. So really, rather than jumping to assumptions about what it means when your partner is unavailable, you might just need to show them the best way to work it into their lives. I also know personally, I was kind of that person

that I would date a lot of people. When I was dating people, I had many a boyfriend say to me, it seems like you don't prioritize the relationship or you don't prioritize us. And I literally, I didn't know how because I did always choose work and my own survival because I had to like, you know, survive over the relationship and I didn't quite understand how to do both.

Now I understand that. I understand that way more now. Finally, guys, just remember this, communication skills just need a lot of work. Like your partner and pissed might not have a lot of experience communicating. I used to think that communication meant that you were going to talking to people and I was like, I've got a great, I got walking to room, I can talk to anybody. In fact, I love doing that. That is not communication skills.

That is not emotional intimacy. But really good communication can pretty much solve a lot of relationship issues, but it is a skill. Like maybe your partner is really private and has never talked to anybody else about their feelings or when they did their kid, they got shut down. A lot of times, you know, these things get set in childhood. So if they haven't learned how to communicate in a healthy way, you can help them find ways it feels good to them.

You could be kind, you could be patient, you could use humor, you can just say, I really want to help you get there. And if you stick with someone because you love them, you can help them get to a healthy place where you can both communicate in a way that serves both of you. So just to be clear at the end here, there is a difference between someone who doesn't know how to be in a relationship and someone who's actually toxic. I think after these points, you're going to be able to spot the difference. Awesome.

Okay, guys. Now, I'm excited because I'm going to take a quick break. Thank you for supporting my sponsors and when I come back I get to answer your emails. Yay, we're right back. Alright guys, I am on to your emails. I love hearing from you. You can text Ask Emily all one word to 7979-7979 or you can go to sexwithemily.com. Click the Ask Emily tab, include your name, your age,

where you live and how you listen to the show. And if you want to be included in one of our call shows, just check the yes box and we will call you. I love those shows. I want to talk to you. Include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. Thanks guys. This is from K30 in Ohio. Hey Emily, I'm an OCD sufferer and want to be more physical with my boyfriend I've been dating for 5 months. We haven't been physical so far mainly because of my OCD. I've worked some my hands that are being treated but I've concerned they will transfer to our genitals without any touching. Should I be concerned about this? And do you have any suggestions how to bring this topic up with my boyfriend?

I'm embarrassed by these fears. He does know I suffer from OCD and he stated he's fully there for me and will not judge me and wants to be there. I'd love any advice out of a healthy sex life with these pesky warts on my hands. I love your show. Here's the thing, K, there's two things going on here.

So there's OCD which is, you know, you're gonna obsess about many things that happen, and we'll cause you to go into the obsessive-compulsive mode of thinking, and that definitely makes life more challenging. And so, I mean, I think therapy is great for OCD. It can be really hard to connect. You know, there are also some medications that are just kind of great at stopping that cycle in your brain, because I know how hard it can be to stop on your own. Here's the thing about the warts.

It really depends. If you're being treated for your hand warts, they're gonna go away quickly and you're gonna have a healthy, normal sex life, but also most hand warts, I'm saying really good chit, they will not transfer to your dental. And I'm not sure if you already know that or you're just more concerned

because you're obsessing about it even though you know that they're not going to transfer. So what I think is you could just wait and not have sex right now without hands touching and just do other things like use your mouth, he could use his mouth on you, he could use his hands, you could use some barriers, like you could use like dendled ams or condoms and all that.

But there's really not a problem here for them transferring. So you got to just bring up the OCD again. I understand that he says he's fully there for you. And I'm sure he really is, but a lot of people don't understand what it looks like until they have OCD. So I think what would be helpful for you is if you walk him through what you're actually feeling and experiencing like right now, I'm thinking this because then he can be someone there for you to support

you and say, babe, no, no need to worry about this. We're okay and kind of bring you back to the moment. I don't know how severe your OCD is, but I think fully just showing him what that's like and what happens as your mind would be helpful. I also think like I said, getting treatment for it if you're not already. And then also there's really not a lot of concern. You don't really have to worry about the words, but if you want to take precautions, you guys could do mutual masturbation.

You could watch porn together, you could still be intimate without physical touching until you feel safe that the warts are gone. This is from Katie, 40 in Georgia. Hey Emily, I love your show. Thank you for candidly discussing anything and everything related to sex. As a fellow Michigan der, I appreciate your Midwest references too. My question on your asking for a friend podcast at ARD. One of the questions that came up had to do with someone being comfortable or insecure about

the women they were with using vibrators for solo time. This progressed into a conversation about how it would be strange if a woman were uncomfortable knowing that their partners masturbated. I am one of those strange women who feels insecure about my boyfriend masturbating. Intellectually, I know masturbation is healthy, happy, good, and beneficial. For the record, I do it, but I'm often uncomfortable talking about it, but emotionally, I wear up being replaced, crazy, I know, because I can never live up to get some going quickly on his own on realistic porn scenarios, for example. I've talked with him, and he's great at listening to, but I got to let go of his hang-up.

I mentioned mutual masturbation since you suggested it, but he said he's not sure he would do it because he just want to have sex with me. For the record, I've researched therapy. I know you're a strong advocate, but it's so expensive. I'm just at a crossroads, finally working up the nerve to send this email to you. Thanks in advance for any advice. I adore you and I love your podcast. Oh, thank you.

I'm glad Katie that you got up the nerve to email because I'm here for you. So first, let me go back through this. I don't remember the email, the show asking for a friend as a great show. It's a great show, it's a great episode actually, but I don't think I ever used the word strange women who feel insecure about my boyfriend masturbating. I think I said it's really common for women to feel insecure about their partner's masturbating.

So you are not strange, you are not alone. And it's also very common for men to be threatened by their partner's vibrators. That happens too. So the first thing is, I love that he's great at listening to you and that he understands what you're going through. I want you to understand that men are going to masturbate when they're before in a relationship,

when they're in a relationship. Like, it's just, it's really a release. It is, it's totally separate from you and how he feels about you It's an escape for men. They use it for you for to relieve stress It's just like a different like women masturbate as well, but it's just it's kind of different for men in that sense And so and a lot of what men watch he's not he's not saying that thinking like oh god I really hope that you know

I really hope that Katie come home with kind of a friend So I can have a gang bang and they're all gonna time me up or whatever He you're seeing in his porn So I believe that you know all of this because you've been listening to the show and you understand that it's not He doesn't necessarily want to replace you because I can tell you I had that same concern I when I was 25 years old and my thought my boyfriend wanted to replace me for the girls He saw him porn so none of this is true So I believe that it's this has more to do with you just accepting that you're not going to change his masturbation habits that he is going to masturbate and it's totally separate.

And so it's really about you letting go of these fears and worries about masturbation. And I know we're both from Michigan and many parts of Michigan. It's not the most liberal open place. So I'm wondering if you're hearing certain things from childhood telling you not to talk about sex, that masturbation is wrong, that you shouldn't masturbate, that you're going to go blind or whatever you learned, because you don't feel comfortable talking about your masturbation to your partner. So I think this really has to do with you kind of shedding whatever shame you're carrying

around and whatever judgments you have upon yourself about masturbating and having sex and just learning how to have these open vulnerable conversations with your boyfriend telling like, you can even let them know that like you've never really talked about it before because I think if you take baby steps and you explore your relationship together that I think, I mean, it sounds like he wants upset, it's attracted to you. And so I feel like he'll be on board with this, but really the number one thing you have to do is practice talking to your partner about it

and realizing that masturbation is healthy. And in fact, it is really hard to masturbate together. And would that be so horrible if you guys masturbated together and you wanted up section through, even though he said he doesn't want to do it, I think that's great for play. I mean, mutual masturbation, if it ends in straightforward intercourse, like I'm totally okay with that. So if you feel though that these things

are just way too deep and way too ingrained in who you are, like I could never say it because of usually it comes from our childhood, and I know what you said about therapy, but I'm going to tell this to you and I'm going to tell this to everybody listening. I understand that barrier around therapy that it's too expensive and it's so easy to say doesn't matter, not going to go to therapy, I can't afford it. But outer mental health be really can't do anything. Like it impacts our daily life. And so it is such a good investment that I'm sure there are other ways if you have like your monthly nut and you look at your spending time on and money on that you could find a way to pay for therapy. The other thing is a lot of cities, most of them have sliding scales.

You could find a university. You could find a center that probably has maybe newer graduates, or even just some therapists. I remember when I was in my 20s, I went to a therapist and cheated a sliding scale for me. I said, I really can't afford it. And that's more common than you think. You don't have to go every week.

You can go every other week. But I think this is just for you and for everybody that there is a way for people to get therapy that they need because I believe that we all need it. I mean, I'm gonna be honest with you that I was in therapy for 20 years, pretty much odd and off. I haven't been in it in the last three years and I'm gonna go back to therapy

just because I feel like it's like a tune up. It's like your car. Like eventually it's gonna need a tune up. You're gonna need to like change the air and the tires and like things just happen and it's like your car. Like eventually it's gonna need a tune up. You're gonna need to like change the air on the tires and like things just happen. And it's like, I'm going back. So I feel like it's a lifelong journey. My as well, try it out now.

Thanks for your email. This is from Sean 29 North Carolina. Hey Emily, I only just found your show, but I have had lots of interest in sex for years. I have some experience prior to meeting and marrying my wife. My question is, my wife is blind and I've had a lot of trouble introducing her to new things in the bedroom. She is trouble letting go and enjoying it. Often when we make love, afterward she's almost immediately talking about

something else, non-sex related, whereas I would like to talk about the sex, either how it was or what we could do or just ideas about exploration. I have a lot more questions. It was wondered what we could do or just ideas about exploration. I have a lot more questions. I was wondering what advice you have of blind partners and sex and libido. Thanks so much. Okay, Sean, I love this question. I can understand why it might be challenging for her to let go sexually when she really can't, you know, to visually, you know, can't see what's going on there in the bedroom. But here's the thing about being blind and having sex is that I always talk about when one's sense is taken away, you know, during sex.

Like if you're doing some like light bondage or BDSM, you put a blindfold on and all the other senses become heightened. I have a sense that your wife, you know, could have a lot of other, you know, sensitivity in parts of her body that maybe you didn't even know about. So I feel like she is great potential, a great capacity to feel so much pleasure. And you could play with like scent and sound and touch and all the other senses that are not, you know, that are available to her. And so I wonder if there's just some, because that could be really the lighting candles

and doing massages and really getting her to feel and like whatever her favorite sense are going shopping for candles together. And just finding a way to make your bedroom like this really sexy romantic haven. So when you get in there, it feels safe and comfortable, and familiar to her. And you guys can kind of create this world and this sex life together.

And so it might mean that she just doesn't have a lot of experience. Like you're saying after sex, she's not talking. I think that's common. Some people don't really love talking after sex, but it sounds like you want some more information. I always say it's better to have the talk outside the bedroom and not right after sex, because I think, you know, after sex, it's good for cuddling, aftercare, you know, just kind of kissing and,

but I think if you want to have a real conversation about your sex life and what you want to do and exploring, you could do that at breakfast the next day. You could do that next time you guys are taking a walk and explore and ask her, like ask her, if there's anything sexually she's been wanting to try. What's enjoyable for her? You know, what is she been craving?

And if she doesn't know, maybe you guys could, you know, do some experimenting and learning together. But I think it just might be because she might not have experience being with a loving partner who supports her and really wants to explore with her. So I think just letting her know that you're there for that. And what your intention is is to really grow and expand your love making. I think that she would totally be're there for that. And what your intention is is to really grow and expand your lovemaking.

I think that she would totally be on board with that. It just might not be that she wants to talk about it right after sex. So I think you're going to be able to get what you want here, no matter what, Sean. Just some good old-fashioned talking. This is from S22 in Ohio. Hey, Emily, I'm a new listener after my boyfriend

turned me on to the show, and I really enjoyed it so far. I listened to a recent episode that regarded things you should discuss after a year with your partner and one struck me in particular. It's bothered me since the beginning, but my boyfriend still talks to his ex and always gives me the excuse that he still cares for her and doesn't want to hurt her by cutting her off completely. It infuriates me to no end. There was a brief period where my boyfriend and I broke up and when we got together, he felt like he needed to warn her first about the Instagram post he made of us to essentially spare feelings. I feel like she shouldn't have to be consulted on things like this because she is an ex.

And it shouldn't matter if she feels hurt. She gave that right up when she broke up with them. He also thinks she cheated on him when they were together so to, it doesn't make sense for him to spare her feelings. I guess I'm just curious if I see my motorcycle for being upset about this. Thanks for any advice you can offer. Okay, as you are not a psycho at all. Because here's what I, here's my theory on X's and new relationships. I think it totally can be very cool to be friends with an X.

In fact, it makes sense. You're in love with someone, you share it with them, and you're not having sex anymore, but you might so really care about them. But my problem is, is when the ex, when he's keeping it separate from you. So it sounds like you don't really know her, you don't have a relationship with her,

and the fact that he's still tiptoeing around her, it sounds like there's not a lot of great boundaries here, which you actually need with an X. And maybe there are some unresolved feelings on his side. So I think that you're not being psycho, you're not being crazy, but I think that you need to have a talk with them and just say like, it doesn't make me feel comfortable.

And if you're interested, I think that, you know, as if you wanted to meet, like if he really, here's a thing, it sounds to me from all the things you laid out. And again, this is only your interpretation. If your boyfriend emailed me, he might say something else. But it sounds to me like there still is some kind of gray area. I don't know how long you guys have been together with your boyfriend, but like there's still some stuff going on there.

So I would speak up about this and let him know what's okay and what's not. So I think if he's like sneaking off to call her, you want your partner to make you feel secure. You don't want to feel insecure. And I think it's okay to tell him that he's in a relationship now with you and that I think that you can ask him like it seems to me like there's still might be some stuff going on here and I support you in finding love or doing whatever you need to do but it doesn't feel right as your girlfriend to have you,

because it is, it's sneaky and it's not, he's not being honest with you, it sounds like. And so, to me again, the best ex scenarios when you have an ex that you're truly friends with, like I don't think they've crossed the line to being truly friends, like my ex and my wife and now we all hang out, and there's really no issues,

like it wasn't right away, it doesn't happen after six months, but it can happen after a year or two So it doesn't sound like they're there you're totally fine. You're not being naggy And if he really loves you once we this relationship and respects boundaries He will cut ties with her he'll realize that it's hurting you this much and making you feel this way And he's gonna want to make some changes in his behavior That's what I think. Okay, and this is from Aaron in Tennessee, 27.

Hey, I'm William, I'm a new listener, and I enjoy the show. My wife also, 27 and I have sex together about four times a week, and she's on the pill. Since we've been together, we've been having unprotected sex, and we've been together nine years and married, too. She loves it when I finished inside her, which of course I love too.

My question is, if we're regularly doing that, would it upset her vaginal health? She uses the bathroom right after and we shower together before we have sex, but sometimes her vagina does it taste the same or as good as other nights. She's never used a douche and from what we read before, it just irritates the vaginal pH balance, thanks for your help. Yes, you are so right, Aaron. I love a man who takes interest in the woman's vagina and what's going on.

You're right, it does. Douching is a thing of the past from the 80s, the 70s. You should not douche. Here's a thing about semen though. Semen can alter the pH balance of the vagina and change its smell immediately. It does that. Then it kind of, some of it drips out and some might stay inside of her and change its smell. Immediately, it does that. And then it kind of, some of it drips out,

and some might stay inside of her and change the scent. Typically, that is temporary. So, I don't know if you're like, take going down in her right after, or maybe it's even the next morning, that can happen. Seaman will do that. pH balance can also change,

and be altered on your, you know, certain foods that you eat, certain times a month for women, hormones, if she's using a new bath product that could be irritating her. But she shouldn't use duchess. I think that it probably could be the semen. The other thing is, if it is ongoing, like it's this particular odor that you're like it just hasn't been there before, it could be bacterial vaginosis.

It's very common for women to have that, so she could just go to her doctor and get checked out. And if she's been to the gynecologist lately, but it sounds to me like it's just that, women were different every day. We are. Their bodies change and it's not always exactly the same. So if you're just talking about changes, that's gonna happen.

But if there's something else going on, that's like ongoing, she could go to her doctor. She could also try deoduck intimate wash and wipes or sprays. I love their products, I'm obsessed with them. They make this great wash for the shower, they have wipes, they have sprays, and they're all external, but they do smell great, and you know that they are safe for the vagina, and I really wouldn't worry about it unless it's out of the ordinary odors.

So thank you for these questions, I appreciate it. Thank you, Erin. And thank you, everybody. Thank you, everybody, for listening to this show and for your lovely emails. And thank you so much, Abby, for sharing your email initially at the top of the show. You guys, and really, this is just why I do what I do. So thank you for sharing your success stories and, as well as your questions. I just, so, I so love hearing from all of you. So thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Sarah, producer, Jamie, and Michael, was it good for you?

Email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com.