Sex With Emily - I answered Men’s Most Taboo Sexual Questions

Starting point is 00:00:00 One question I'm asked all the time is, Emily, what products do you actually recommend? And that's exactly why we created shop sex with Emily. Every product in the shop is something my team and I have personally researched and tested or recommended because we genuinely believe it can help you of better sex, stronger intimacy, and just more confidence in the bedroom. Whether you're shopping for yourself, your partner, or both of you, we've made it easy to find products that actually work. head to shop sex withemly.com and discover your next favorite bedroom essential. My reg league goalie says he plays for the love of the game. You gave up six goals last week, Steve. Maybe play to win, huh?

Starting point is 00:00:43 Like with Bet365, I get paid the second my team goes up big with early payout and can cash out at any time before the game ends. Come on, Steve. Bet365, the home of winning early. Must be 19 and older, Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you were someone you know is concerns about gambling, visit connectsontario.ca or call 1866-5-3-1-2,600. Terms and conditions apply.

Starting point is 00:01:05 So how long is sex actually supposed to last? What if you lose your erection in the middle of sex, even though you're really attracted to your partner? And is it bad to masturbate every day? These are the questions I get from men all the time. And a lot of guys are embarrassed to ask because they think they should already know the answers. But nobody's born knowing how sex is supposed to work. And a lot of what men learn about sex comes from porn. friends are just figuring things out on their own. So today, we're answering seven questions

Starting point is 00:01:33 men don't always feel comfortable asking. For for 20 years, I've helped millions of people have better sex and deeper connections. I'm Dr. Emily Morris, host in the award-winning Sex with Emily podcast. And I've made it my mission to take the shame, confusion, and guesswork out of sex. And remember, you can always ask me your questions, grab free guides and resources and explore all my favorite sexual wellness products, all shop, sex with Emily. Just head to sex withembley.com slash ask. Also, watch full episodes on my YouTube channel. Let's start with one of the questions I hear all the time.

Starting point is 00:02:06 Is it bad to masturbate every day? No. Listen, there's nothing inherently wrong with masturbating every day. Some people masturbate daily, some a few times a week, some rarely. What matters isn't the number. It's whether it's having a negative impact on your life. For example, is it interfering with work or your relationship? Are you doing it even when you don't,

Starting point is 00:02:28 really want to, like you feel like you can't actually not do it? Is it causing irritation or distress? In other words, are there consequences? How is it impacting your life? And masturbation could be a great way to learn about your body. So I'm a fan. It doesn't mean you're unhappy with your partner or that something's missing from your sex life. But here's something worth paying attention to. So let's say you've been masturbating the same way since you were 15. Same hand, same pressure, same speed, you know, you know exactly what works. You could have an orgasm in three minutes, but then you're with a partner and you can't orgasm the same way. Now, that's not necessarily something going out with your partner.

Starting point is 00:03:07 You might just really be accustomed to that specific kind of stimulation. So what I want you to do is experiment a little. Try a letter grip. Use some loob. Change your speed. No? Notice what kinds of touch feel like. And if you're having trouble orgasm with a partner, you can show them what works for you.

Starting point is 00:03:26 So masturbation starts feeling out of control or is interfering with your life. Well, that's worth getting support for about masturbating every day by itself. Not a problem. So just look for the impact it's having and then you know if there is an issue. And I'm always here to help. Okay, the next question. How long is sex supposed to last? Well, first of all, what do we mean by sex?

Starting point is 00:03:47 Are we talking about penetration? Because that's how the majority of people think about sex. Because if we're only counting the minutes your penis is inside somebody else, while we're leaving out a lot of what makes sex pleasurable. There's so many factors. There's kissing and touching and oral sex and clitoral stimulation. That's all sex too. Now, there was a study that found the median time from vaginal penetration to ejaculation was about 5.4 minutes. So, five minutes.

Starting point is 00:04:17 And that's not a goal. That's just what researchers observed. So there's no ideal number of minutes. everybody should be aiming for. But think about how much pressure men put on themselves to last longer. It's like, I don't even know that anyone else wants it to last as long as men do. They're like obsessed that like lasting longer means that they're better lovers. So you're having sex and you're thinking, am I going to finish too soon? Should I slow down? Is she enjoying this? How much longer can I go? Meanwhile, your partner might be thinking, I wish he kissed me more. I wish he touched my clitoris.

Starting point is 00:04:52 You're so busy trying to last that you're not paying attention to what actually feels good. Here's something important. Most women don't consistently orgasm from penetration alone. Most don't. Many require other kinds of stimulation. So longer penetration doesn't automatically mean better sex. So instead of ask yourself how long you're supposed to last, ask your partner, hey, what do you actually enjoy? Maybe she wants more kissing, you know, more oral sex, more touch, like more time getting aroused, getting turned on, getting in the mood.

Starting point is 00:05:29 Or maybe she likes penetration exactly the way you're doing it. But you won't know unless you ask, and if you constantly ejaculate sooner than you'd like and it's causing distress, there are treatments and techniques that can help. So talk to a qualified clinician or a sex therapist or go to my site, sex atemly.com. I've got so many great resources for you. So the goal isn't to last a certain number of minutes. It's for both of you to enjoy yourselves. Next, what if I lose my erection, even though I'm really attracted to her? Okay, let me lay this off of you.

Starting point is 00:06:03 You can be incredibly attracted to someone and still lose your erection. I know. It's frustrating. I think a lot of men assume that if they're turned on, their penis should automatically cooperate. But erections aren't quite that simple, as you know. They involve your nervous system. your blood vessels, what's going out with your hormones, your brain, what you're thinking about, and really your overall health.

Starting point is 00:06:27 I mean, everything's impacting your erections. Stress, if you've been particularly stressed lately, if you have anxiety, you know, how much alcohol have you been drinking or are you taking any new medications? If you're just exhausted, all of these things can affect your erections. And then sometimes the anxiety about losing your erection becomes the very thing, making it harder to maintain one. So there's that. Now, let's say you're with someone new.

Starting point is 00:06:53 You're so attracted to her. You've been looking forward to having sex. You've been thinking about it all week. And suddenly, you feel your erection blend away. And now you're thinking, oh, no. Not now. She's going to think I'm not attracted to her. And then the more you try to force yourself

Starting point is 00:07:08 to get hard again, the more anxious you get. So it's this loop. So here's what I recommend first. Stop treating your erection like the most important thing happening in the room. It's not. You can still kiss and touch and have oral sex and use your hands. I've talked about oral sex a lot in this episode.

Starting point is 00:07:26 That's just a hint. Hint, hint. Use your hands, you know, you don't need an erection for every kind of sexual pleasure. And listen, say something to your partner. Try this. I'm really into you. I'm just getting in my head a little. That's enough.

Starting point is 00:07:41 Because otherwise, she might be lying or thinking, is he not attracted to me? So now you're both worrying about something neither of you've actually discussed. And if you notice recurring erection challenges or something new, talk to a doctor, a urologist, you know. Erection difficulties can sometimes be an early sign of cardiovascular problems, were they diabetes. I want to freak you out here, medications, or other health conditions. So don't assume it's always psychological. Next question I get all the time.

Starting point is 00:08:09 I don't wake up with an erection in the morning. Should I be worried? Oh, not because of one morning, many erections throughout the night. often during REM sleep you know sometimes you happen to wake up during one of those erections sometimes you don't so waking up without an erection doesn't automatically mean anything is wrong now if you're noticing a consistent change over time about something to pay attention to so many things impact it like i said your sleep quality your age how stressed you are your overall health, all of that plays role. So let's say you're 45 years old and suddenly realize you just

Starting point is 00:08:46 don't wake up with erections the way you did in your 20s. Can you start Googling it? And now you're convinced your testosterone has crashed. But maybe you're only sleeping five hours a night. Maybe you've recently changed something up with your medications or your health. You know, there's so many things that could be going on. So do not diagnose yourself based on one symptom. Now if you're noticing persistent change, especially along with difficulty maintaining your actions during sex, definitely go see your doctor. Or urologists can help evaluate what's going on

Starting point is 00:09:17 and check it all out. But just one time or a few times it's really nothing to worry about. Our fantasy commission says for him it's all about the friendships. Cute, Kevin, but I disagree. Like with bat three six five. I get paid the second my team goes up big with early payout and can cash out at any time before the game ends.

Starting point is 00:09:38 No hard feelings, Kevin. Just faster payouts from Bet365. The home of winning early. Must be 19 and older. Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you were someone you know is concerns about gambling, visit connectsontario.ca or call 1-866-5-3-1-2,600.

Starting point is 00:09:52 Terms and conditions apply. Calculating route to avoid seeing poverty. Turn left to bypass the unhoused youth sleeping on the street. Then keep right to skip by the lines of people waiting for food. steer clear of the crowded shelter turning people away, then take the next exit. Let's stop looking away and get in the way of rising poverty. Your donations help the United Way fight poverty in thousands of ways, like providing food, shelter, and crisis prevention.

Starting point is 00:10:20 Donate today at United WayGT.org. Next question. Why can I orgasm alone, but not with my partner? Okay, so here's a deal. When you're masturbating, you know exactly what works. Think about it. You control the pressure, the speed, the position, the fantasy, everything. You're not worrying about whether somebody else is enjoying themselves. Like, you really get to be all about you. But when you're with a partner, they can be a lot more going on. Maybe you're worried about taking too long and you're wondering whether your partner's getting bored or whether she's into you or am I doing the right moves.

Starting point is 00:10:55 You know, maybe you're minding their reactions instead of paying attention to your own pleasure, which is common. And sometimes you're just used to a very specific kind of stimulation. Think about a guy who can orgasm easily when he masturbates, but during partner's sex, he starts thinking like, why is it taking me so long? Is she annoyed? Does she think I'm not into her? And then she might be thinking,

Starting point is 00:11:16 why can't he finish? Am I doing something wrong? Is he not into me? And so now they're both in their heads instead of enjoying themselves. So first, just pay attention to your masturbation habits, you know? Because what can happen with men is you're really used to, you have a very specific grip. Maybe it's really tight and you hold your hand in a certain way.

Starting point is 00:11:37 And that is what your body is used to. So when you're having other kinds of sex, it feels differently. So, you know, if you're always masturbating in the same position or you're going really fast. So you could also vary those things and try mixing up when you're alone. And then when you're with your partner, show them what works. You can use your hand together. You can bring them like a small vibrator like the We vibe touch.

Starting point is 00:11:58 You can use it anywhere you have nerve endings. So you might love it on your shaft. You might like it on your perineum. So vibes are really fun to play with. You also also want to pay attention to other possible causes. So certain antidepressants, other medications can delay orgasm. Soaking alcohol. Sorry to say, stress, just some medical conditions.

Starting point is 00:12:22 So remember, you don't have to orgasm every time you have sex. If you're enjoying yourself, neither of you's concern. That's totally cool. But if this is happening consistently and it's bothering you, just speak with a doctor or sex therapist do not change your medication on your own. Okay. Next, you've got number already at number six. If I finish before my partner, is sex over?

Starting point is 00:12:47 No, not at all. Why would sex automatically be over because you've had an orgasm? You know, it's so funny, we've organized heterosexual sex around male ejaculation for so long that people just assume that's when everything ends. Like, he ejaculates and we're going to dinner. You know, think about it or weren't asleep. But think about this for a minute. You're having sex.

Starting point is 00:13:09 He's getting close. She's enjoying yourself, but she has an orgasm. He finishes, rolls over, maybe gives her a kiss and thinks, can you just had great sex? And she's lying in thinking, wait, we're done? And this is why I talk so much about expanding our definition of sex. because penetration doesn't have to be the main event. And ejaculation is not the finish line.

Starting point is 00:13:33 It doesn't have to be that way. And in fact, I love for you to remember she comes first. It's a wonderful thing to remember and there's a great book. It just shows that many women have different times that they experience arousal. And there's an orgasm gap. So if you come, you can also go back and be your partner or you can start with your partner. Now, a lot of women need direct clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, and that may happen before penetration.

Starting point is 00:14:02 It might happen during or could happen afterward, depending on the person. And there's so many ways to give your partner pleasure that don't involve your penis, no matter how wonderful your penis is. And I'm sure it is. You know, you can use your hands, a vibrator, or maybe your partner doesn't want to keep going. Like, that's fine too. Just ask. We've got to just start asking the questions.

Starting point is 00:14:24 Why to keep going? Is there something else that would feel good? It's not easy, so then you're not guessing. Here's another idea. Why not focus on your partner's pleasure before penetration even starts? Going back to sheet comes first. There's no rules saying intercourse has to happen first. In fact, there's no rules at all when it comes to sex, which is why I love decentering penetration. And also, nobody has to orgasm every time.

Starting point is 00:14:49 The most important thing is that you're paying attention to both people's pleasure instead of assuming sex ends when one person finishes. And listen, if there's a question you've always wanted to ask but you felt embarrassed about or you didn't know where to go, just send it to me. Maybe it's about your body or something happening with your partner or something you think is wrong or about your relationship. Tell me what's happening, what you've tried,

Starting point is 00:15:12 and I'll answer your questions, which I've been doing for over two decades. I can promise you you're probably not the only person experiencing it. So there's a link in the description where you can send me your question. All right, the last question I get from men most commonly is this. How do I tell my partner I'm anxious about sex without making it weird? Okay, ready? You just tell them.

Starting point is 00:15:37 Because if you're not talking about what's happening, your partner might be making up an entirely different story. So let's say you've been having trouble maintaining erection. Now, every time you have sex, you're worried, is this going to happen again? It happened last time. whatever happens this time. So maybe you start avoiding sex all together.

Starting point is 00:15:56 And then your partner notices and thinks, ah, there's no longer attracted to me anymore. I guess this isn't working. But that's not what's happening. You're anxious about your erection and now you're both feeling completely insecure. And that is why I want men to get more comfortable talking about sexual anxiety, or all anxiety, really. You don't have to pretend you're completely confident every time you have sex.

Starting point is 00:16:21 and very few people are, for the record. And you don't need to give some huge explanation in the middle things. You could say simply this. Sometimes I get in my head during sex, and I think it's kind of affecting me right now, affecting my erection or however you want to say it. I want you to know that I'm attracted to you. Can we just slow things down a little bit?

Starting point is 00:16:41 Can we just, you know, take a break, get some water? Can I make you feel good? Just remember, you guys get to decide together. And maybe your partner says, oh my god i thought you weren't interested in me anymore now you're actually talking about what's happening in the moment instead of both making wild assumptions so you can decide to take penetration off the table for a while and just focus on things that feel good right take it off the table and think about other ways to play so remember sex involves the two of you you don't have to

Starting point is 00:17:17 figure out everything by yourself all right i hope these answers take some of the pressure off because I think so many men are worried about whether they're doing sex right. Am I last thing wrong enough? Am I going to stay hard? Am I going to orgasm? Is my partner in the mood? Is you pleased? All the things. And sometimes you're so focused and how you're performing, then you're not even enjoying the experience. You're not even feeling, you're not even in your body. You have to leave your body. So your body isn't going to respond exactly the same way every time. So we also have to have some patience and some grace with ourselves. And if something isn't working, where you're noticing a persistent change,

Starting point is 00:17:54 you know, a lot of sexual concerns are treatable. But I also want you to remember that being a great sexual partner isn't about performing perfectly. With fact, this goal of what perfect sex is often comes from completely unrealistic images about sex that come from like porn or something we've heard. And I know the goal is not being perfect. It's about. It's about, being present and attuned to your partner. It's about knowing your body and understanding what your partner enjoys and then being able to talk about sex without so much shame because sex is supposed to be something you enjoy together, not something you're constantly worried about and getting wrong and feeling bad about. And just remember this. Communication is lubrication.

Starting point is 00:18:41 The more we get comfortable talking about sex, the better sex we're all going to have. So tell me this. What is the sexual questions you've always wanted to ask but felt just too embarrassed to bring up? Leave it in the comments. Maybe we'll do a part too. All right, that's it for today. And remember, great sex isn't about knowing everything. It's about staying curious, communicating what you want and making your pleasure a priority. If you have a question, I want to hear it. Just head to sex withemly.com slash asked to submit your question, grab some free guides, and find more resources to help you have your best sex ever. You can also shop all my favorite

Starting point is 00:19:17 curated sexual wellness products at Shop Sex with Emily. And if you want even more Sex with Emily, you can watch the podcast on YouTube. Follow me at Sex With Emily. Join my newsletter. I've been told I give really good newsletter. You've got tips, advice, updates,

Starting point is 00:19:32 including where you can find beyond the best sex ever tour. R. everyone, thanks for listening, for being here, and for prioritizing your pleasure. And as always, stay curious. My Reg League Goalie says he plays for the love of the game. You gave up six goals last week, Steve. Maybe play to win, huh? Like with Bet365. I get paid the second my team goes a big with early payout and can cash out at any

Starting point is 00:19:54 time before the game ends. Come on, Steve. Bet365, the home of winning early. Must be 19 and older, Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you were someone you know is concerns about gambling, visit connectsontario.ca or call 1-866 5 through 1-2,600. Terms and conditions apply. Turn left to bypass the unhoused youth sleeping on the street. Then keep right to skip by the lines of people waiting for food. Steer clear of the crowded shelter turning people away, then take the next exit. Let's stop looking away and get in the way of rising poverty. Your donations help the United Way fight poverty in thousands of ways,

Starting point is 00:20:34 like providing food, shelter, and crisis prevention. Donate today at United WayGT.org.

Sex With Emily - I answered Men’s Most Taboo Sexual Questions

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