Sex With Emily - I Love My Partner, But My Coworker Is Hot

Episode Date: October 18, 2022

Got relationship drama? Don’t we all. On today’s Best of show, I’m helping you navigate choppy relationship waters, to get to the other side safely.First up: he just divorced, and jumped right into an ultra-serious relationship. Too soon? Next: when you’ve got a massive crush on your coworker, should you divorce your spouse and pursue your colleague instead? And if you’re not so into your partner’s bedroom style, can you teach them to be more dominant? All this and more on a particularly juicy Best Of show. Show Notes:Article: You and Your Partner Have Mismatched Sex DrivesArticle: What Your Attachment Style Says About Your Love LifePodcast: The Clit NotesXConfessions.comArticle: 7 New Ways to Use a Magic WandForia: Awaken Arousal Oil with CBDHot Octopuss Pulse III SoloHot Octopuss Pulse III DuoAneros Helix Trident Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, if you've been together for 10 years, there's an age difference. Are you been together for five years or five months? There's always come to time in a relationship and my advice is to do it sooner than later when you're like, okay, let's talk about our sex life. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Got relationship drama? Don't we all? On today's best of show, I'm helping you navigate choppy relationship waters to get to the other side safely. First up, he just divorced and jumping right into an ultra serious relationship.

Too soon? Next, when you've got a massive crush on your coworker, should you divorce your partner and pursue your colleague instead? And if you're not someone to your partner's bedroom style, can you teach them to be more dominant? Is that possible? All this and more on a particularly juicy best of show. In Taddins with Emily for each episode join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it and I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of the episode? How could this episode help you? My intention is to help you know that if you're in a relationship that's going through a rough patch, you're not alone. Whether it's sex, trust, or evolving a relationship model, we've all experienced

relationship challenges. But on today's episode, I help my collars and you turn those challenges into victories. Please rate and review sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show check out my YouTube channel social media and TikTok. It's all at sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask the questions do it leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily or call my howline 559 talk sex or 559 825 5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show and it's told to cool a change your name or choose to remain anonymous.

Art everyone, enjoy this episode. Okay, let's talk to Mark 45 in Connecticut. Hey, Mark, how can I help? Hi, Dr. Emily. So nice to talk to you, live. Nice to talk to you too. I am, thank you. I'm coming off of divorce, long term divorce or long term marriage with an

I-4 sex life when it existed. Okay. And about six months through this separation period, a co-worker kind of took me in. They'll help me find a place and after about three, four months of being there, a relationship developed. Absolutely well the women's the clinic is great. Everything about it is perfect. However, to be honest, there's been a lot of women

that have come out of the woodworks and become available. And there's this overwhelming feeling of wanting to date other people or have, I guess maybe just have sex with other people and experience that I have to have and go on through a long drought. Yeah And I'm in this like crossroads of am I getting into a Immediately to a committee of a relationship too soon and that you know sounds like you yeah Well, Mark that sounds like exactly what's happening. So you were married for a long time. How long we married 18 years

18 years and then you're just going through the divorce right now Just finalize. Okay, so it's so now you're saying you've been dating someone for like a few months and she wants to kind of make it official kind of thing. Yeah, make it like like yeah, make it. I know you do. So here's what I think Mark, I think you got to honor this. I think you're absolutely right for 18 years having a sexless marriage. And now you're dating and you're tasting all the flavors that are out there. You've only been having chocolate, right? This is kind of a process that a lot of people have to go through.

So for you, it's like, you know, you would like to go out there and experiment otherwise. So I think what I would recommend that you do, Mark, is be really honest with this woman, because I believe that, now listen, I know I live in California, you live in Connecticut, like things are different in different parts of the world,

different parts of the country. But I'm also gonna say that to be honest and to be like, you know what, I love this relationship and what we're having and all the things you like about it, but I can't help feel that I really need some time with myself, I need to grow out and experience other people, other things, and maybe there's a way

she would still be okay being with you. Well, you do that, or maybe she won't, but I feel like when people say it in a way that's, you know, let's try something alternative, like an alternative relationship, so it's non-monogamous or it's, you know, it really can work. So I think that we're so black and white-baking,

like either committed or not, but I think there is this in-between area that I've seen a lot of people, and I know, and I advise people, and they've successfully been able to navigate it, you know? Sure. Yeah, so I would recommend that, but I think if you stay in the relationship

and you don't, you don't get these needs met, that that'll be equally frustrating. So I think being honest about it and going slow with the conversation and just kind of, you know, making sure you're careful in your words because, you know, if you're like, I just want to bang a bunch of check, like, that's what she's going to hear anyway. So saying like, this is just soon for me, and I really, I'm imprecite this, but I can't help this feeling. And I could tell you when I'm going on Dates or we could you know figure out what she might be like no way I can never handle that and then I feel like you can listen

Around tell me more about that. What would it be like like what would you need for me for it to feel okay? I just think that's a conversation you have to have and I don't think that people are having that conversation enough because I think that a Lot of relationships can work out, but we just don't give it the chance and if it it doesn't, you know, then you have to decide. I think you're right. Okay, cool. Thanks. Thanks, Mark. Okay, this next one is from Sarah, who's 23 in the UK. She writes, hi, Emily. Thank you for the amazing podcast. Since I started listening to you a few months back, it's been like losing my origin and all over again. It's so exciting and I can't wait to experiment more. My only problem is I've been in three relationships, which ranged from six months to three years, which have all ended so badly. I was sensitive soul and I feel

slightly traumatized by them. I'm currently waiting for therapy and I feel that it's important to not get into anything serious with anyone until I've gone through that therapy. However, I did just start sleeping with this guy. And it's honestly the best sex that I've ever had and I can feel myself starting to get feelings for him. 90% of the time when I have sex with people I catch feels. It and become blinded by any flaws they may have. It's like I'm unable to see if they're actually right for me or not. Anyways, I'd love to get your advice on how to just have sex and not think into things

or get feelings. I'd love to know as I want to focus on me, but I also have an incredibly high sex drive. Thanks again for being you. Aww, thanks Sarah. Thanks for being you. Ah, thanks Sarah. Thanks for being you Sarah. I have to say that I'm really impressed by your email and you are so wise and thoughtful and you're 23 years old and you're recognizing really cool things about yourself that a lot of people never get there. You're not picking the right people.

You get attached. Like a lot of us do after ripsacks, we get attached, we have orgasm, we think we're in love. But it's happened to like a lot of us do after ripsacks, we get attached, we have orgasm, we think we're in love. But it's happened to you a lot, and you know that you're sensitive soul, and then you feel traumatized, like at 23, you're already using the word trauma. And you're already emailing you because it's happening again, and you're like, I don't want to do this again, I want to change it. So I love that you mention therapy because I really do think

that you are ready for it and that you know yourself really well. So I would try to either just until you get into therapy, but I think the sooner you're willing or just start thinking about some of the things that I'm going to tell you is that maybe you don't need to be dating right now for a little bit. And maybe it's time that you do some of the things that when you've been listening to this show that we talk about, is that like, get things like settled, like you use the word trauma

three years, you've already had a three year relationship. No, stop mad at this. Take time and figure out who you are Sarah without someone in your life right now. Because I feel like something with attachment here or like there's something about a man like that you need to feel Loved and supported usually goes back to our childhood and repeat these things until we stop or like I don't want to keep going and

Understand like what who you are without out of man because you need to I feel like you're getting a touch because you're not feeling so safe on your own without a man So I think it's really important for you just take time and say you know know what? I'm not running out of time. There's always going to be plenty of men. But who am I without one? How do I move through life? What's interesting to me? Like what's interesting to me as a 23 year old now, Sarah, who I'm going to assume you've been in a relationship forever. So I say take that time and then to focus on, since you say you have a high sex drive, go back and listen to the clip notes. Take some time masturbating, taking care of your own pleasure, and building a community around you of super kick ass women. That you love, that you're friends, that will fill you, that you're your people, or

men, be friends with whoever. But take care of you, get a therapy, and then go back to eating. Thank you, Sarah. Okay, we have David. He's 40 from Philadelphia, and his wife seems to have lost sexual traction to him. Hey David, tell me what's going on. Thanks for calling in. We've been married for 14 years now and for the last probably seven years since we had kids.

Things have been kind of going sideways a little bit. You know, definitely had sex fairly regularly, but we had communication issues and things kind of, you know, went downhill over the years. I think a lot of it had to do with jobs and kids and all the other stuff around that. And then, so we started seeing a therapist earlier this summer and feeling like we're really moving forward with stuff. But during our therapy, I've found out that my wife had been unfaithful a couple of times over that exact same period.

And that was really tough to get through and feel like we're kind of moving forward now and I think she's very remorseful about that and I've accepted it. You know, we have some trust issues, but we're trying to move and forward now and I think she's very remorseful about that and I've accepted it. You know we have some trust issues but we're trying to move forward and we're a lot closer and communicating better but she does not have the feelings for me to want to go back to being intimate and I'm struggling with it. So yeah okay so thank you for that. So I'm trying to understand, so when you said that the affair happened, you said during the therapy or during the last seven years since you've had kids and things haven't been as great. No, during the therapy.

So I think she had started, basically started chatting with guys before we went in the therapy. Then we went in the therapy and I think she never really stopped. To hear her explain it, she felt like she could keep those two things separate until she figured out what was going on with us. Then I figured it out and now I think she's committed to trying to make it work, but for her, there's a big block. Okay.

First of all, how long did to this happen, the therapy and the funny out? Like a month, six months? Therapy started four months ago and I found out two months ago. Okay, okay. So just know first of all that that, and you probably know from listening to the show that when someone cheats rebuilding trust takes a lot of time.

So I'm so glad that you guys are in therapy. I feel like I want you to give yourself some compassion here and some, like, to understand that it probably has been hard and that that would hurt to think that you guys are going to therapy and that this happened. Because your question is asking about her and how she's reacting to you. And I just want to make sure, first of all, that you've actually, you know, have felt this. Like I've known that it

doesn't feel great. It's still very soon that it just happened and that I think that the therapy needs to go to kind of talking about rebuilding it and like what actually really have. I'm just wondering if you've all the information because it's true that couples who typically can get past this and through this, they kind of have to, for many couples, it's helpful to reveal everything that happened. So I'm wondering if she did that in therapy. Like, if you have all the details. Yeah, I don't know. I think she's been, I think she's been honest. And I don't think it was like a real affair. I think she hooked up with a guy two times. Okay. I think it was,

I don't think she's like trying to, you know, start a relationship with this guy. He's married. No, I know. I'm just saying the fact that she did it is gonna set you back as well. Cause I'm hearing about her attraction and I just, I'm just checking in with you.

So that's just, you know, it sounds like she wants to make it work and you're both there in the same door. So but I'm just saying it's very fresh. It's very fresh that you found this out, you know, after being in the 14 years. Oh, yeah, definitely. So, and then when she's saying that she really wants to work on it, so what happens when you try to get intimate?

Do you think that she might be feeling, you know, I doubt that it's sexual attraction. Like I don't think that she's not into and she doesn't love you and she's going to therapy. But there could be like, do you think she feels guilt about the cheating? Do you think that she's, you know, she might need some more time. Do you think anything is going on with her? I don't know. Like, is she taking any medications? Has she been depressed before? Like, you know, she might just not be in the mood, which happens a lot for women. Like, what is she telling you? What is she saying to you? I'm just not in the and the story or like what's the word she putting around it?

Yeah, I think she I Think she got to the place where she wanted to have the affair because she felt like she wasn't getting What she needed out of our relationship and I think you know She saw that we started working on it and I made a lot of changes when we started going to therapy. But I think she had already kind of gone down the path. Mm-hmm. And now I think she's in the place where she, you know, she said, she said a few times, I just need to be true to myself.

And I need to trust that, you know, things really are different and they're going to stay different before I can kind of get back those feelings that I don't have right now. Right. How was your sex life before like when you guys first met? Oh it was great when we first met and for the first you know four or five years it was awesome. Okay.

And then you know things, you know, kids work family. Some years into it and things change and really when we had kids is when everything and you know, things, you know, kids work family. And then, yeah. Things change. And really, when we had kids is when everything just kind of, when not sideways, but it wasn't, wasn't the way it was. And, you know, I think sex became, we both kind of enjoyed it, but it was, I think both, we never communicated much about it. And kind of, you know, I don't think we were asking

for what we wanted. And neither of us, so neither of us felt like we were fulfilled. And rather than kind of waking up and doing about something about it together, I think it took this crisis to kind of say, now we do need to really communicate about this. Okay, so have you. Okay, so here's what I'm thinking. I feel like, I understand the whole picture. Now I feel like you two need to take your regular sex off the table, like your intercourse or however you guys do it,

the routine you've been doing. And I like, you kind of got to stoke that early chemistry that you had when you met. So maybe it's just some more like fun dates or like making out and just kind of massage or doing things that are kind of new to you guys, but still intimate and reconnecting. Even it's for a week and you're like, let's just start small, like give her a massage, she gives you a massage.

Like, I don't, you know, or maybe like, I don't know, like, look. Yeah, you know, it's funny. Yeah. We're not, um, we are really close. Like, this has happened. We spend a lot of time together. We've always gone a lot of dates. It's not like we're living separate lives right okay and we you know we

give each other lots of massages we're you know we kiss and hug when we're saying goodbye okay so your intime is telling that way yeah yeah but there's like this block with her about I don't I can't have sex with you until I feel like I'm a hundred percent there well what does that mean I think you have to ask her how she's gonna know when she's there, because I'm wondering, to me, I don't know what that means. Like, when she's there emotionally and she feels what, because the truth is you don't just,

and it could happen when she wakes up, she's like, I'm ready today, but I feel like there needs to be maybe more talking about what you both want, section. Like, it's kind of time to just have a clean slate. And maybe it's time to talk about fantasies, masturbation or things that really turn you guys on to help get there. Because I don't know if she said to you like, this is what this means. I need another month of therapy or I need some more time feeling good in my body or I, you know, because I don't know what that means. Yeah, no, I,

it's a good question. I'm not sure she knows or I know at this point. I think she's going through, so she's going to turn 40 in June. Uh-huh. And so I think she's going through kind of like a midlife crisis where she doesn't know, you know, I think she's questioning a lot of stuff in her life. Right. So I think she, I think that's part of it.

And then I think, you know, I made a big change when we started going to therapy, not that I was ever a bad person, but it was, I wasn't listening to what she needed. And I think I started doing that. And I think she still today is like, I don't know if this is real. I don't know if these changes are going to last. Okay. So this sounds really good to, so I get it now. I get the 14 years you've been together,

now you've actually doing the changes, which is always amazing when you were someone and you see them change. So I think that's, I mean, first of all, kudos to you because it's so not easy to change our patterns, especially in long-term relationship. So I think that's great. So now it sounds like she's like, oh wow,

this is really happening. So maybe you just need a little bit more time right now. And I think that maybe if you guys are still going to therapy, have you talked about your sex life in therapy yet? Oh, yeah. Yeah. And this part of it? Okay. Well, it sounds like you're doing all the right things. You're in therapy. You're talking about your sex life. You've made changes. She's got a process. It is real. And I think you can never talk about this too much unless it becomes super annoying to both of you. I think like your sex life part of it and what feels attractive to her.

Like, it sounds like she wants to come around and she will. But I, nothing you're saying, sounds like it's about not having a sexual attraction to you. I don't think that's what it is. Unless there's, you know, I think that maybe there's some more questions to ask. Is she masturbating? Is she connected to her body? Like, I get like turning 40 and all that stuff can be challenging,

but I mean, it takes two of you to work on it together. So I think that if she's on her own saying, I'll let you know when I feel it, like that's not fair to you either. So I think some kind of plan where you guys decide to come together and talk about it in a really healthy way. Yeah, yeah. And try something new.

Yeah, I think so. Yeah, but I think you're going to get there. Like, keep up with what you're doing and just keep talking. Keep saying the things that you think you can't say because you know that's intimacy. Like, you know you guys are probably having conversations right now that are blowing your mind. Like, wow, and then it brings you closer together. So I think you need to do that same thing with your sex life. I think you need to ask her more.

Like, what does that mean? And how can I help with that? You know, like, there's no pressure or take your time, but I need to know what that means. So you know her plan. Yep. Yeah. OK.

OK. Stick with the therapy, though. It's amazing. All right. I will. OK, David. Thank you so much. Good luck to you guys.

Stick with it. And I think you're doing great work. Thank you. Thanks so much. Thank you, David. Thanks for calling in. You guys, it's true. When you're with someone for a while and then all of a sudden, they actually make those changes that you wanted, but you've been so set in your anger, you're like, I kind of liked that my partner wasn't delivering because

the truth is, it's like 14 years together. And then like in the last four months, your partner's like asking how your day was and bringing you presents and giving you messages or whatever it was that you wanted. And then you're like, oh my god, is this real? It takes some time to kind of get to know your partner again, but I think I think it's great and I think this is a great lesson for people to know that you actually can change your partner can change and a lot of it does start with really good couples therapy. Find a good therapist if you've been together for a long time, I'm just going to say you need some therapy. It helps everyone. All right, let's serve as Katie. She's 39 and 10 to see. She wants to know how to teach her husband to be more dominant.

All right. Hey, Katie. Tell me what's going on. So, yes, I would like some of husband to be more dominant in the bedroom. And I think he confuses it with the like an asshole like, hey, do this. Like, do that. I'm like, no, no, no. I need you to be more caring and like instructive versus domineering and like being in aggressive about it.

Got it. Okay. Not in personality. Right. Well, Katie, have you let him know? Do you kind of know like if you had closed rise right now? Could you run through the whole roleplay like fantasy in your head of what you want when you say dominant? Oh yeah, oh perfect. And we've done it well like one time. He did it fantastic. But I think outside of the bedroom where

he's like maybe when he's trying to start war playing then he's kind of confused about how the caring aspect of a dominant would be to a submissive. Okay. Well, he just needs some information. Yeah. Well, tell me what you want. Do you want to be like in those moments when he's doing something cringey when we've all been there?

What would you like instead? Because then you could just tell them that and say, you could be like, baby, I love God, that one time you nailed it. Maybe he needs to be reminded. Honestly, I don't remember everything that I do. Like if I did something great six months ago, my boyfriend was like, what about that time? I'd be like, tell me what I did.

So maybe you could be like, that time was so hot. And now I know that you've been trying. But what would be really hot is if when we're in the kitchen, you say blank. And then what would that be, Katie? That would be, say, I love you like, hit on me in the end, maybe tell me to get on my knees and say, dick or something like that, that's sweetly. Sweetly.

So you could say either you could. That's where I can direct him like online or something. I would find some point. This is where I think porn is useful. You could either find porn that has like you could literally put in like dominant if you feel like going down that road or you could just role play with it and be like, I want you to be like babe, I want you to be like, whatever you just said, you're so, you know, you're sexy, you look like sex, but at first you got to get on your knees and you like, babe, I want you to be like, whatever you just said, you're sexy, you're sexy, you're sexy, but at first you got to get on your knees and you want a more like, okay,

no, pretty, you want them to grab your face and be like, hey, pretty wife, I want you to get on your knees now and I'm going to pull my pants and then you're going to suck my dick, right? That's what you want. Nope. Yes? Oh, yes, okay, good. So that, okay, right.

That's what it sounds like. You are really like, hey, now some women would want you little slut, like to put my dick and choke, like, so it's all different. So she's just doing the best you can. Now, Erica Lust has is one of my, now you got to pay for her porn. Maybe she has a free whatever, but it's totally worth it. And one of her, my favorite is she's got a dumb sub, she's got hundreds of movies on her site, porn. It's made by a woman for a woman. She's, I think her porn is the hottest. So maybe if you could find

a scene in there, it's called X Confessions with the, um, let's say the letter X letter X. It is the letter X X Confessions.comcom. We're gonna put it in our show notes. So Katie, I think just being playful and telling him that, and then he'll get it, you know? Because he already got the other part down, it's just that cringy wrong part that you're like, uh oh, so I think just either telling him or finding a little clip and sending it to him

and saying this is what I want. But you just have to go to like one of the porn hubs or go to Erica Lust, okay? You're close, Katie. You're so close. It's just not nor, you know, any Pauvi hasn't done it the other way. Maybe it doesn't remember that he did it right the last time and how he did it. So remind him, I loved that time when you were in the bedroom and you did ABCD.

And then say, and your information help. Yes. Your information helps tremendously because when when you search for a dominant stuff, it's more the act of the sexual act versus the role play or play before he is. Right. So if

Eric Alistair's got kind of from start to finish, then that's what I'm looking for right. She does. She's got the plot, how they met coming in, but it's not too long. It's so really hot. So start to finish then that's what I'm looking for. Right. She does. She's got the plot, how they met, coming in. But it's not too long. It's so really hot.

So that's why I love her because she's more speaks to what we want. We want to know how they met. We want to know their relationship. Yeah. Well, I'm glad it's been helpful. And we do have some information on our site for for beginning kink, beginner dom sub. We've got great stuff on our site. I got to say, just search it.

We'll find it. So for Dom Sob and all that, well let me know how it goes. Now I'm gonna be dying to know, keep me posted. Thanks for calling. After the break, more of your related to questions. So don't go anywhere. Okay, this next one is from Ken. He's 40 in Ireland. Hi Emily, I'm an avid listener, I've been listening to your podcast for a few years,

and I have a few things I could use your help with. I'm a married man of 15 years, but have feelings for another woman. I see her several times a week, but most contact is professional. As my feelings have grown towards her over the last two years, I have stepped back as much as I can. I see her weekly, but purely professional. I have not told this person nor anyone else how I feel. How can I stop these feelings as they are driving me crazy?

Which brings me to my other point, I know I have these feelings as there's something missing in my marriage. We have no kids, but live a busy life, Thai also sex scheduled twice a week. But lately, this has been slipping, and it's always the same in boring. My wife has no interest in sex or masturbating. I've talked to her several times about spicing up her sex life such as giving receiving oral and she says okay but then nothing ever happens. I've tried just about everything you've mentioned on your podcast but nothing is working.

What do you do when your normal playbook doesn't work? I love my wife and don't want to get divorced but I can't help but think things are not going to get better. I want to save it but I'm wondering if it's time to call it quits. All right. Okay. I read this twice Ken because I really really wanted to like and then Jamie just read it So that's a lot of putt times for me. Listen, I really want to help you here Ken and I love Like that you've been listening for so long because you're like, okay Emily and I know what you're gonna say here and I know you're gonna say here and I've tried everything I tried everything you mentioned and nothing is working and I believe that you have

but I believe that you really want this to work with your wife 15 years because I'm sure you had it at the beginning and you've tried you talked talked her a few times. It didn't work. She's maybe is never masturbated in her life. We don't know why. Maybe she's had some shame around masturbation. Maybe she's been disconnected. Maybe she had some trauma. We don't know.

So, a few times you try to talk to about spicing up and she's still in her own way, not connected to her body. So, I think what you have to do here is know that it's not about this other woman that going off and having a fling and cheating with someone else is the last thing you should do. That's just going to be like a little band-aid shot at dopamine that's going to make you feel better for a second, but what you got to do with all that energy and time that you are thinking about that woman is turning it towards your wife right now, toward making this relationship great again.

So keep things professional with her and know that the quicker you do this and let go of it because you lead with this woman and I'm like, no, you have so much heart in this and you still love your wife and you're at your with 10 and you're throwing your hands up in the air and you think you're never getting your knees met and that you got to go meet it by some other professional one but that's not true. What you got to do is you got to bring it up with tour again and again maybe a few more times but the ultimate goal is getting her to realize that sex is a priority in a relationship that you love

her that you love your sex life that you want to be connected a relationship that you love her, that you love your sex life, that you want to be connected to her again, that you need that intimacy, that you've learned so much perhaps by listening to this podcast and that it opened you up, or you don't have to mention my name, but you could just say that, because when you bring it up to her again,

she's gonna feel like, oh, I have been pleasing you, you have my husband, you're angry, because that's be automatically getting the defense. So you tell her, no, that you've actually learned more in the 15 years. What's possible? And that in the past, you were asking her to masturbate and do these things. And it wasn't working.

And you realize that maybe it's a bigger thing that you guys have to work on together. But that intimacy and sex and connection is so important for the relationship and that you know that she could learn to enjoy it and have pleasure, but you need her to kind of come on over to your side. And however you want to say that to her, use your words in a loving way without blaming her or shaming her and it's outside the bedroom.

And I do think after 15 years, therapy might be the best bet here. Because when you get to the point of emailing about another woman to me, I feel like this is like desperate times, like this you are at the end. I think that can that you need to let or know that it's really like it's a place where it's really hard, it's really hard that you're having a challenge because you don't feel connected to what you love or so much. And since you are at this point, that's why I think that therapy helps people fast track it.

It's either gonna help you realize if you could say it or go, but you gotta do something to move this in the direction. So you don't make a step, you'll regret. From Instagram here, she's 31. She says, I've been with my husband for 10 years and I'm not sexually attractive to him anymore. He's 63.

Okay. All right, so obviously the age difference makes this one a little bit trickier, but let me start with this. Many people are with their partners for 10 years and they find that their sex life wins. It just does, their attraction wins because you know when we're in that honeymoon phase,

everything feels amazing. But that is a pretty big age difference. And so what I think would be great is if you talk to your husband and you let him know that there might be some other things that you guys would like to try together. Maybe his sex drive is slowing down a little bit. Maybe he would be cool with you opening up and experimenting and maybe trying new things with him.

I mean, I would say for 10 years it's been great. And you guys haven't talked about any of this stuff. I think that in every relationship is always a good time to start saying like, okay, things are getting a little stale. Whether you've been together for 10 years, there's an age difference. Are you been together for five years or five months? They're always come to time in a relationship.

And my advice is to do it sooner than later when you're like, okay, let's talk about our sex life. Let's figure out ways to keep it hot, to keep it interesting, to make sure that we don't get bored, right? And like what turns you on, what turns me on, what are some of your fantasies? Let's go to a sex toy store and go shopping. Let's figure things out. Like let's just, and then remember you guys, they're like conversation, so it's not a one-time conversation. You're having it all the time. So, you know, with the age difference, I don't want to make assumptions here,

but I'm going to say that like 63, 31, maybe he would be cool with, I don't know what, open it, he'd be open to whatever you think it would take for you to be sexually satisfied right now. Maybe it's with him, maybe it's with others, I'm not sure, but I would think that with that age difference, that's just a very big time year, separate 30s of my years.

30 years, I mean, it is. 30 years, such in different points of your life at that point. Exactly. And then do people think about, I mean, I don't wanna get more bit here, but like, you know, you're obviously, he's going to go before.

Yeah, to hospice, right? And then have a little care of him. I just feel like that's like, you know, you're obviously he's going to go before. Yeah, to hospice. Right. And then take care of them. I just feel like that's like, is that when age difference becomes a problem? Yeah, I do think that a 30 year, I mean, granted, if she was 60, he was 90. I don't know if they made it at that point, but still, like,

that's right now they're at that 30 60 point. And they're, and I think that this is where it means just, you guys all know, you, you have to understand that your sex life is gonna change in your 20s Your 30s your 40s your 50s your 60s So we all have different theories about you know sometimes age differences work for people you hear stories all the time But knowing that your sex drive your interest your energy level and everything's gonna change with each decade The more decades you have separating you the bigger bigger the bigger challenges is gonna be. And I don't think that people often think about that. They're just like, oh, we can make it work. We got together at 21. She's

21 now. She's 31. Now, he might be slowing down. I mean, not that 63 is in any way. Oh, like, I, it doesn't people in their 60s have amazing sex. So eight people in their 80s and 90s. You can have sex for a long time right now, but she might be surprised that by talking to him about this, maybe there's places they haven't even gone yet. Couples re-spark their sex life and the relationship all the time and a lot of them do it by listening to this show.

All right, we have Eric, he's 52 from Arizona and he wants to break out of his sexual routine with his wife. Hi, Eric. Hi, Emily. How are you? I'm good. So tell me what's going on. Thanks for calling.

Absolutely. So I kind of had a different problem. Probably been most folks. We've been married for roughly 30 years. And about, I would say about three years ago, we went to actually like a sex therapy couples for a treat. And we really got a lot of good information about communication. And I learned a lot about kind of what makes my life tick in the bedroom, what she specifically

needs. And so we worked a lot on kind of coming up with, like a formula, that's either kind of what works for her. Right. She loves massages. She has a rechargeable one. She, you know, that's kind of her favorite toy. Great.

So we go through that. We introduce the for you. Oh, good. The product that you, yeah. Oh, we love that. Oh, for you. We love that. Yeah.

Good. That's a pre-loop that you like put on me for sex. Yeah. She puts it up great. I love it. Okay. And kind of her formula is that, you know, after that, after the massage and the wand and the for you, she prefers like that I would rub my dick on her labia and she would kind of get, she would keep using the wand. And in many cases, she can, she can work as in that way. Okay. And at some point in time she will take my dick to insert into her and we'll continue that way. She enjoys that. Sometimes she can double so she can she can have

multiples. If we you know like kind of we're doing the formula right. Right. My problem. My problem kind of gets to be the point of My problem kind of gets to be the point of I'm so focused on kind of what works in the formula that If nothing is kind of working for me, right? I have delayed You may be delayed ejaculation so it sometimes it takes me 45 minutes or an hour to finish okay, and that becomes a problem at it because you know by that time she's Kind of Finished she's, and she becomes maybe irritated or she becomes, it becomes uncomfortable. So I'm willing to kind of figure

is there a way that I can, can kind of play on the same communications to help and maybe if there's something that we could do a little different or spice things up a little differently, that could help me kind of finish. Yeah, absolutely. The whole lot of time with her. Yeah, no, okay, this is a great, and you're right, we don't offer, this is a really good question because I think, you know, a lot of couples do they get into a routine and, first of all, I love that you enter a retreat and you figure it out what works, like, right?

Because I was, soon, like, 30 years, like, you might not have known this before, but now we know her. And so what about Eric? And absolutely you can figure out what makes you what will feel good to you. And so I bet your wife would be would would love that right? I mean, I would think she'd be down with your finding out your routine. Yeah, and listening to your podcast, you know, I kind of mentioned like, well, if there's something that I wanted, I kind of wanted to like maybe mention, hey, here's something that I thought about trying what, you know, what would you like to try? So I'm kind of doing a trade off.

Kind of the problem we run into just because some family of origin issues that she has, she doesn't like to try a lot of like different things. So she's not specifically, she's not willing to like you or all. That's not kind of her thing. She does it, but it's much more of, she's not very enthusiastic. She used to love receiving it, but lately that's not kind of her thing. She has to be in a really specific mood maybe for that to be the situation. So we tried maybe a little porn. I mentioned to her maybe we could try something anal, certainly anal sex because that might be problematic for her, but maybe rhyming or maybe a prostate play for her. Yeah, I was going to say like try like one of the Nero's prostate toys are great. I mean, yeah, I think that there's so many different ways and you could use that.

You could simulate yourself with that. That's a great one to use or even how doctopistomics is toy the pulse for men. Pulse three, it's like a masturbation sleeve, but it's like, it's like a vibrator, but it actually, it feels amazing. It like targets your frenulum. So these might be really cool. And there's also the duo that you could wear during sex, so it kind of has an outward motion, the pulse duo.

So there are some toys that would be cool for you. For sure, if you've never tried prostate play, I think you might really like that. And that could be a fun thing for you. Like before, a few years ago, before this retreat, are there things that you were doing then that you kind of miss and you'd like to bring back? Like is there time to incorporate those things into your sex life again?

I mean, she was always, one of the things she actually was receptive to was like toys. And so like I said, we have the one. We used to have a variety of deal does and she would we would use those kind of as a, you know, it was kind of fun for me. And it was fun for her. It was another thing we could play with. That kind of, maybe a few years ago, that kind of wasn't, she just didn't respond to them. Maybe like she used to.

It wasn't like a big thing for her. I still love playing with them, you know, for her. But it wasn't like she was getting as much out of her. So I'm wondering if, and I know that, you know, women's bodies change, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. So I'm wondering if like the octopus, is that something that I could wear while I'm doing kind of the rubbing on the outside of her, maybe? Yes, that's why it's so perfect for you. It's called the pulse duo. And you gotta just look it up.

Bigger website, look at it. It's so cool because it's, yeah, it's like a sleeve and you could, that's the thing. It's just rubbing and it sounds like this is exactly what. So there's an outside vibrator and then there's an inside that's gonna be on your friend you'll, your underside of your penis, which feels amazing.

Like I keep saying, I give it to my boyfriend. And he literally is like, oh my God, I cannot believe this toy. It's amazing. So I feel like that could help you with ejaculation, but she could also rub on it. Like, it's just, it's not for penetration, but she could rub her clitoris on it. And it sounds like it'd be doing the same thing that the one's doing. And then you'd also be getting stimulated. And then it might, you might come to ejaculate a little sooner.

Okay. So that could be something fun. It sounds like you like toys. Like I would get some aneros, I'd get some lube, and I would just try to like, yeah, order some things like that. And then also really just think about like if there's something that you will want you to try that, you don't have to bring in, but it sounds like toys could be a great place to start. Because I can understand a routine just being routine. Everything becomes routine, you know, especially with sex. So I like that idea of you trying some new things.

And it seems like you put a lot of love and and attention on your wife and now it's time for you Okay, well, thank you very much for your help. You're so welcome. Thank you. Thank you so much for calling. I appreciate it This next one is Cassie 34 from New Mexico dear Dr. Emily my husband and I respond to stress very differently my body Responses stress by shutting down. I want a snuggle watch TV TV, and sleep. His body responds to stress by yearning for sexual intimacy to relieve it, because both of our jobs deal with the well-being of other people were often stressed and typically at the same time. Add kids to the mix and forget about it. How can we help each other in these times when we have polar opposite reactions? All right, Cassie. Thanks for your email. Just so you know, this is a very common struggle that a lot of couples are facing right now

We're all running around so goddamn stressed out. It is hard to connect it actually can really destroy our sex life So it sounds like you both just need to take some time to to destress get out of your comfort zones there at home And maybe like take a trip together take a day off get a babysitter a trip together, take a day off, get a babysitter, rent a hotel room for a night. You would be amazed at what a change of location for even a night can do for a reset. So you can reconnect when it's not as stressed. And do you make time, and I understand having kids, and also this is just a time when you have young kids and you have jobs and you're working, it is just a struggle for several years.

But if you can't think about it,, well, when are we the least stress? Now, this is going to take a little effort, but I think it's worth it. So maybe it's setting the alarm for 15 minutes earlier in the morning, because you're like, you know what, if we have 15 minutes for intimacy to connect in the morning, then we'll both feel connected as we go about our day, or maybe it's Saturday mornings. And the kids are all off doing something or you have a babysitter or you go somewhere because this is like as important as your workouts, it's important to go into the kids games, it's important as everything else, family dinner, your time

to destress and then to connect with each other and have sex is actually a priority. So if you put it in the schedule and you say this is the time we're going to have sex, this time we're going to be intimate so you guys could kind of know that that's going to happen and look forward to it and make sure you're the right headspace. I really think that would be a solution. I could help you both. I'm going to be a part of this. I'm going to be a part of this.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review where ever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email.

So sign up at sexwithemle.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationship to call my hotline 559 talk sex that's 559 825 5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemle.com. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪