Sex With Emily - Interracial Relationships, Penis Predicaments and Copulation in COVID

Episode Date: June 24, 2020

On this Mashup of SiriusXM guests from this month, Dr. Emily addresses some of the most pressing issues today in relationships, men’s health and families.Emily’s first guest Erin Tillman, the “Dating Advice Girl” dives into the importance of a supportive partner in these hard times and raising your children with awareness, whether it's race, sex or otherwise! Adam Carolla, host of the Adam Carolla show joins Emily to talk about his new book “I’m Your Emotional Support Animal,” our laziness as a culture, broken families and our detached relationship to danger. Returning guest, Dr. Edward Karpman and Emily address all your men’s health questions and COVID copulation complications!For more information about Erin Tillman ‘The Dating Advice Girl’, visit: http://www.TheDatingAdviceGirl.comFor even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

There was a trust reform the last time I was here and so I do feel comfortable talking about this with you. We've been living in this world where all these guys are just kind of playing video games and sitting in air conditioned rooms and driving automatic transmission cars. And I tell people that if you're comfortable going to the grocery store, you should be comfortable going to the hospital. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships

and everything in between. For more information check out sexwithemily.com and you can find us on all social media, it's Sex with Emily across the board. So today we got a lot to talk about. We are talking about first my guess. We're talking about interracial couples making it work during such a tumultuous time right now. There's a lot of dating stigmas on the apps.

That's been happening for a long time. And we're joined by my special guest, Erin Tillman, known as the dating advice girl. You can find her on Instagram at dating advice girl. There's no I in girl. It's dating advice girl, GRL. You can also find us on Instagram. We just had a post at sex with Emily.

You can do it. And you can easily follow her there and check it out. She's had some great content and some great advice always, but even recently, Aaron, welcome to the show. I'm so excited to have you back because I, well, first off, we did a podcast a few weeks ago. And what do we call that podcast? I don't know what we called it, but you can find it. Do you remember what it's called? The dating advice?

We'll find it in a second. But if you want to hear more with Aaron, it's called, it was Sex and Shame. Sex and Shame. And we had such a great talk that I was like, we gotta keep going. So here she is today. How you doing Aaron?

Thank you for joining me. Hey Emily, thanks for having me back. I'm really happy to be back. I wish it was under different circumstances, but actually I'm glad it is under these circumstances. I feel like this is a safe space to talk about these things. And also I feel like specifically race and dating. And also to your audience who some of them might not

know all the things about black people. And maybe they haven't dated a racially. Maybe they've dated one person that was black in their life. And so I think that this is a really great platform for all of us to learn together. So that's my long-winded way of saying, thanks for having me back. Yeah, of course.

I mean, no, I think you're absolutely right. I mean, I think we, this is such a great platform. What's always been, there's so much that you can share right now under these circumstances I'm glad you can be here. And I know that there's a lot to talk about. But I did want to talk to you about like to start off like Interracial dating because that is something, you know, I feel like I mean, we're in an original interracial relationship right now So maybe we can just talk about that like how how have you been

Navigating this difficult time and making it work. You had some great posts I was actually enthralled by your Instagram posts that you did with Jett and your partner. And I just thought you brought up so many great points about it. I was like, what did you say it went back? I was like listening to it. So yeah, how's it going? Really? You can check that out. Yeah, it's been to be honest. And again, I want to keep it tight because I am super long-winded. But yeah, the last week, let's just go ahead and say, you know, the pandemic happened. We're sequestered in our houses for months. That was already hard enough, right? Then there's a statistic that, you know, black Americans are dying or from COVID, great. Okay,

so then, you know, all the shootings that have happened in the last just since the pandemic, or that we've become aware of since the pandemic. It's been a really hard time to be honest. Most black people I know, including friends and family members were all, it's just been like, literally all of the emotions. So it's not been a great time to be honest. And I think the fact, you know, things are opening up now,

but the fact that we've been isolated at home has not helped. It was a glorious thing to see people marching in the streets, the peaceful protesting and such, it's been great. That has brought some happiness into my life that people care. So that's how I'm doing. I'm actually in a really over saying right before we started

and a really positive place at the moment, though, I'm very hopeful right now. I'm happy to see all the conversations that are happening, the productive conversations. I'm also happy that all of us are able to see the people in our life who aren't supportive and who aren't wanting to learn and expand. I think that's really important that we see those people right now. Don't ignore those people. Either you, you know, don't ignore them in a way of trying to educate them or you don't ignore them in the place of, oh, I see who you are. I'm going to make a choice about where I'm going to place you in my life now. I think it's

really important for a mental health. You're the doctor. But I think I think it's a really important for a mental health right now to make those choices and to really listen to what people are putting out there for sure. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, you're so right. Because if COVID wasn't a filter enough to be like, okay, these are the people that actually miss and that I want to see. I realize a lot during that.

But now, absolutely, it's like, who is showing up? Who, you know, who's sharing your beliefs? Who's actually going to be listening and working? I know for me, like I've been doing a lot of listening, a lot of work the last, you know, a few weeks. You were talking about how, you know, this fight is about your existence, you said. You know, when trying to explain like, why should your friends care?

And I think you're sorry. I was at a birthday party and I just found that some people that there were like, well, I think if they're kind of blowing it up or it's not a big deal. And these are friends that are like socially conscious, like they, they, they believe in a lot of causes I do. And I said this moment where I was like, I don't agree with you. And I've never, I haven't been in that position where I was like, this is what I've learned. And it was really, it was just a moment where I thought, okay, these might not be my people in that way. So I think you're right right now.

I think we all have to be paying attention to who we aligned with. What are they aligned with our core values? We don't need people. I realized I did not answer your question about jet my partner. I will weave that into one of the times. That's right. You know what's really interesting to me too is that I've noticed that too. I mean, I have a lot of white friends in particular say I can't believe this friend said this. I too Emily have had to unfriend quite a few people and have some really hard conversations with some people who have

known for 30 years, 30 years in my life. And this is the moment now where they've shown that, for example, looting is more important. The looting that happened a week ago or two, but it's not happening anymore, it's more important than what happened. To me, that speaks volumes. And I think also in this conversation, there's, it's difficult because I think there's so many ways this conversation with you and I could go right now.

One of the ways, one of the things that's happened for me in my life is there's a lot of childhood stuff that's coming up. So a lot, I grew up in an all white town in Ohio, small town, Ohio, only black person in my grade, one of five in my school or something. And there was always this narrative of your different errands. There's, I see what those black people are doing,

but you're different. So, you know, you wouldn't get stopped by the cops or you wouldn't do this or you wouldn't do that. And it's like, I'm no different. I could very well be Brianna Taylor. She was sleeping in her home. So I'll get to say, I think that sometimes, I'll speak to the liberals right now,

liberal white people. I think that sometimes liberal white people do a lot of good, but I think there's a blind, sometimes there's blinders put on because of past things that have been done. I've donated to this, I support this, I've done this, that there's sometimes not a willingness to look inward as well.

And this is the moment where, regardless, like I as a black person have had to look inward right now. We're not immune, none of us are immune right now. We all need to take a look. This is like, this is literally not to get too deep about it, but I feel like what we're watching is evolution. We're literally watching humanity evolve at this moment. And so it's kind of like, where are you willing

to get on this evolution train right now? Because it's happening. And this is the moment to kind of prove how much you really care about humanity at a very fundamental level. Am I your equal? Do I deserve the same opportunities? Do I deserve to feel safe when I'm outside? I had a thing happen in here in Los Angeles the other day where there was a group of cops doing a thing. I'm not

into cops. I've had cops in my life. I've had military in my family, so it's not that. I literally have to psych myself up right now to go outside of my house, because I don't know how I'm gonna be perceived in the street. I do wanna go back though, I don't wanna digress too much. Jet, my boyfriend, he's amazing.

I made a good choice. Is that a real good choice of partner? You know, when we met, we met, we've been dating for about a year. We met on Tinder. I think I probably mentioned that last time on the show. A success story,

because there's a whole bunch of non-no good stories, not good stories on Tinder. What I've dated quite a few white people in my life. And I think it's just part of that is, you know, where I grew up in Ohio. Being around mostly white people. I think there's a lot of reasons for it. And I've made a lot of really amazing white people.

I just wrote an article for a newspaper in Salt Lake City. And one of the things that came up was, I don't think a lot of my past white partners would make it right now. I think this is the breaking point in our relationship. And I think because in my life, most of my ex, white exes have said, I was the only black person or first black person

they've ever dated. So, you know, when that happens, there's conversations that come up, you like listen, my personality normally is light and airy and fun and that's what people like about me. So this has been really jarring for a lot of people in my life for me to be like talking about serious stuff. I've unfriended people, some people have unfriended me

because they're like, this is way too serious. And I'm like, well, this is, this is, yeah. You know, what is friendship that? What is a relationship? Exactly. The real quick, let me wrap it up, my partner bring it back to him. When we met a year ago,

I learned from all my past experiences dating and with friends. I was like, there are certain questions I need to ask right now. Like, first, like, first, second, third date. Okay, like, do you have any other black people in your life? Like, how do you feel about, you know, is it weird for you dating me or being out in public with me? I know that's a really weird question to ask,

but obviously not in 2020. Like we still need to ask some of those questions. He grew up in a small town in Texas with black people, with brown people. That made me feel more comfortable. And sure enough during this, he has been so amazing. Emily, so amazing. I love this way.

Let me just tell people who you are, Erin, again, if you're just joining us, I'm talking to Erin Tillman. She's a dating advice girl. You can find her on Instagram, grl. And we're talking about, you know, well, there's so many things to talk about. Because first of all, you're a dating coach and you help people, you're so, we had a great chat.

It seems like it was years ago now that I talked to much later times. So what do you think though, is happening right now, like how, how are people dealing, what do you think is going on with interracial couples? Like do you think there's specific things that are coming up? I know that you're doing well in your relationship, which I love to hear that.

But what do you think, what do you think is going on with couples right now? What do you think they're navigating? Yes, from a coaching perspective, I know. And again, I can put my professional dating empowerment hat on. I've been a coach for 12 years in the dating relationship space and consent space as well. And from a professional and a personal perspective, there are couples that are very much struggling right now.

I've had a few conversations with friends in my life who have a black partner, so either, you know, the guys, black, the girls, black, both people, whatever, regardless of orientation. It's a hard time if the couple hasn't had these conversations before. And, you know, again, like literally, 2019, right? Things were light and airy compared to now.

White and fun and festivals and big. It's like all these things, right? It's like another lifetime. It really likes. Right, and so, you know, in a lot of ways, why would you need to have had those conversations? So, when approaches you want a dating app, or in a bar or something, like, again, pre-COVID,

and it's like, oh my God, you're cute. I'm cute. Yes, let's go out. And so, you know, again, like I mentioned before, there's been a lot of stuff that's come up for me in the last week that I haven't really thought about since I was like in school, you know. And so a lot of black people are dealing with that. There's some deep, deep trauma that is popping up for us right now.

And so if you're in a couple, for the couples who are out there, you know, it may be never discuss things, race things, or race things to this depth. This is a big eye opener. I mean, I've been in relationships before, this is a moment for some couples where they might have to call it quits. There might be, and or there might be a fundamental thing that pops up in this that black person

might not feel safe anymore. If somebody says, say there's a black and white couple, and the black person says, I said before, I don't feel safe out there, and the white person said, oh, it's not a big deal. Nothing's gonna happen to you. That is traumatic to feel like you're not being seen or heard or believed that your feelings are not real

or like invalid, that's happening right now. I'm sure there's a thing that's happening really quickly is there's a lot of conversation about interracial children. I have a few friends who have biracial children and in both situations, the mother is white and the father is black. And in one situation in particular,

the white mom said something like, I'm gonna shield my kids from what's happening. My biracial kids who are part black, because I think I'm just gonna teach them to be a good person. They don't need to be fearful like you are. And I said, oh my God, listen, please, please, please. Please, if you don't listen to anything else,

please listen to me, that's not gonna help. Like, yes, it's important, yes, yes, be positive in all these things, but they need to know what's happening out there and they need to know that they need to be careful. And I'm like, I'll start, I'll suddenly getting emotional because I'm like, that is so hurtful to hear that a mother is so like, not wanting to be a negative person that they're not wanting to tell their kid about what's happening. It's not okay and that is super dangerous. Yeah, I totally agree with you, Erin. You're so right. We have to have difficult conversations with our kids, no matter what color their skin, but especially in this case. I mean, you're so right. I think we're so afraid.

We want to make this perfect world of like, you know, rainbows and sunshine. And that's just not the reality. If not now, when really, I thought Aaron, you're so tight. I mean, now the time. Well, this is so interesting, Aaron, we're saying somebody, so many great things here because even you said, maybe if you, that you haven't thought about this since college

or since you were in school, and that now like maybe you would have been dating one of those people who maybe wasn't telling his parents that he was dating a black woman Or he you know, he's like oh, so if some of his friends would make jokes and maybe it would have been okay But now it's like no way is any of that okay? So I think there's probably a lot of people in Irresha relationships who are how we're hearing us and saying oh, yeah, I it's not okay

I'm not gonna close my eyes to it. I'm not gonna ignore my children or my friends or my aunt or my my grandmother Anyone in my family who is racist and who isn't okay with my choices. I mean, I was on homecoming court in school and I was pretty sorry, I'm like, oh, snotty now. I know. I was in time. This is what this is real. This is it?

No, but like, thank you for coming on and talking about this real. This is real. We got it. So, yeah, so in school, you know coming on and talking about this real. This is real. We got it. So yeah, so in school, you know, I was, I was pretty popular in school. Like I was, you know, homecoming court and student government and all these things and going back to a homecoming court and I was prom princess and all these things. I remember I never had a date to the dances. Never.

I always, I love dance. I grew up dancing. So I was at all the school dances and then when I was on homecoming courts, like, great. So I went with, one year I went with my gay friend and another year I went with like a bunch of girlfriends. And I always felt like there was something wrong with me. I'm like, why is it that like all these girls get boyfriends and people ask them out and I'm not. I thought I was ugly. I thought all these things right cut to like 15 years later at a high school reunion or something.

I had like three boy classmates tell me that they had a crush on me, that they wanted to ask me out, but they couldn't because their parents were racist. At least three in the years. And like every year there's like some new reveal of somebody who's like, oh my god, like, just I want to let you know. And I'm like, weirdly, that's really healing though. Because I thought there was something wrong with me and it was not, it was their parents.

It was the parents saying, you can't talk to her, date her or whatever. And I'm like, dude, that's so deep. And so for like real quick, I know we got a break for the couples going, like couples happening right now, interracial couples whose parents or grandparents or family members are not on board. At some point, if your partner has your back, you've got to just live your life and

like, like, cut that out mentally, energetically. And maybe even like, in terms of like cutting them out of your life, you know, because it is so damaging. It's so damaging to have people who are family or, you know, not blood family, but by marriage, like, like, shun you, like, it's not okay and it's hurtful and you gotta practice huge levels of self care right now. It's so important.

Mm, Erin, thank you. You're absolutely right. This is so helpful. This is the time and this is the time we have to speak up and pay attention to the people around you and the change is happening. It's here, Erin. Now, Erin, thank you so much for being here.

I so appreciate it. I love having you on. You just got to come back. We got to keep talking. Take care of yourself. People can find you at the dating advice girl. What else do we got right now? Where else can they?

You've got a lot. I know you have your book on consent and anything else we got to. Yeah, I do have a podcast that I've had for like 10 years at this point. It's intermittent. And right now, I'm bringing it back just to talk about specifically this topic race and dating.

I think it's really important. So it's called the Dating Advice Girl podcast. And it's on different platforms. I know I probably should mention it because you have a podcast. Yes, you. This stop. I, first off, even before this,

I'm all about bringing in other people's voices all the time, talk about podcasts. There's a lot of podcasts and people should listen to you. I love listening to you. I could talk to you all night. Thank you for coming on, Erin. I so appreciate it. Erin Tellman, dating a voice girl.

Thank you for being here. All right. I'm going to take a quick break. I am Dr. Emily. This is Sex with Emily and we'll be back. You're joined by Adam. I'm sure he doesn't need any introduction. But Adam is a radio personality, a podcaster, actor, host of the Adam Corolla show, New

York Times best-selling author. One of my favorite Adam accolades that he co-hosted, Love Line with Dr. Drew Pinsky, same show that I was on for so long, not so long, not as long as Adam. But our past didn't really cross there. But Adam, I'm excited. Do you have any more job back? Did you want to get some penis questions tonight, Adam? Sure.

I love cock. So. Well, I thought that you might miss it. But I'm excited. You're here to talk about your book. I'm your emotional support animal, which was just released on June 16th. We're going to get into that. But I was thinking about you, Adam, because the other night I was on a

Drew show, you know, one of his many shows, his like daily dose show, was like the periscope. And he was saying we were talking about love line, though, and he said, what, I mean, is it all the same? Or he said, what's new now? What's new? What are people talking about? I said, to be honest, you know, you know, he did love line for 30 years, you

did it for 10 plus years, nothing's changed. If anything, it's the same questions. And it's getting worse right now because speaking of cock, men's penises are malfunctioning and alarming right right now, Adam. And I think when I tie into some of this stuff and you did know that, that's why you're here. I can tell you all the things that are happening since you left the sex industry. I mean, you know.

You know, I hear stories about testosterone levels going down and everyone is, you know, getting fat and irritated and, you know, people. I, here's what I believe. I believe we were meant to go out and sort of chop some wood and, you know, pump a well and, you know, kill an animal on occasion and butcher that animal. Like, we were meant to kind of go out and sweat a little bit for our food. And we're not doing that anymore. It's all grub hub now. And not only is it all grub hub, but like guys don't go in the garage, guys don't turn wrenches anymore. You push a button, your car runs. You know, there is no problem solving. There is no, as I was thinking about this whole pandemic thing, there is no relationship with danger anymore. I always worked as a carpenter and you had to know what each tool did and how potentially dangerous it may have been. You know, if you take a

look at a sawzall or a bayonet saw or reciprocating, sorry, whatever it is, it's one of those. It's big and it can have a blade on it that's a foot long and it's got sharp teeth on it and there's no cover or there's no safety on it. Like if you don't use it right, you're going to hurt yourself. So we've been living in this world where all these guys are just kind of playing video games and sitting in air condition rooms and driving automatic transmission cars. Nobody's really out getting dirty and getting, you know, if you're going to fire up a chainsaw and go at a tree all day, you're going to have to kind of have a relationship with danger, safety, and

you have to be awake and alert, you have to be present. Everyone's always talking about being present in the sense of meditation or being present for under your kids. How about how present you'd have to be to operate a chainsaw? Right. And then you'd be practicing those muscles in your brain. You'd actually know how to do it, right?

We got away from that world completely and now Everyone's got an allergy and everyone needs an emotional support dog to travel with and it's just kind of Right guys just eating themselves and your book I'm your emotional support animal what you're referring to which I loved your last chapter I felt like it was your self-help guide, though you would never call it. It was called from primates to postmates. And what you're talking about is that we're just lazy now.

Everything can be delivered, we get our postmates, we don't have to hunt and kill. You're talking about your Roomba vacuum cleaner and that's a problem now, like changing the batteries and all this, and I believe that it's just sort of, yeah, we're lazy and we're not using our brains as much and we're not out there. I mean, I think it's a hot of someone's out there with a chainsaw, chopping down a tree. Do something. Oh, yeah.

Right. You know, it's another thing too. It's like, guys don't really do that. Women don't really put an emphasis on that, you know, is somebody who does a lot of home improvement projects and works with a lot of tools. It's never really bit. It's been kind of a night they're here and are there issue. I mean, women aren't particularly attracted to it anymore. Maybe they've heard. Don't speak for all women. I love a man who knows his way around a toolkit. Like do something useful in that way. So.

No, I completely agree. And I don't know physiologically and psychologically exactly all that is happening in this period, but I would recommend that men go build a tree I'm not going to lie to you because I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to lie to you.

I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to lie to you. or go plant a garden or make some lasagna, but don't just sit around in order, grub hub, you'll go insane. Yeah, that's true.

And we're all just so attached to our phones, and we don't actually... Maybe this is a new, I know you probably need another job, but maybe that would be a fun thing, Adam, like another show where you're actually, okay, I know this is what you did years ago, but these days, I don't even think that men have tools. They know how to do it. You can make it fun for them. Like, I would tell okay, I know this is what you did years ago, but these days, I don't even think that men have tools.

They know how to do it. You can make it fun for them. Like, I would tell you, I will endorse it if a guy's out there building something and doing something with his hands, and he's not playing video games because that is not hot, not sent to me. I'm like, do something more useful, and you could teach him because I think their dads didn't teach them. They don't know how to do it.

They grew up in Los Angeles or wherever. So, you know, I grew up in Michigan. I know in your book, you were talking about how in the, you know, I grew up with everyone washing their cars on the weekends. That's what was happening. We were outdoors and playing in the yard with all the kids and riding bikes and it was, you know, we was just, we were in nature. We were doing things like that, but not anymore. Yeah. I know no one's, no one's dad has really shown them the ropes. I'm kind of trying to do that with my son a little bit, but it's kind of an uphill battle.

Like people just don't want to do stuff. They can farm out, you know? I mean, they literally farmed out, farming, you know, farm out, everything they can farm out. Like, you know, your phone breaks, you throw it away, your TV breaks, you throw it away. You know, everything's just kind of throw it away. And they don't realize that there's a kind of a

nobility in fixing things and repairing things and figuring out what would be the best way. And kind of improvising. You know, I work on a lot of cars. I have a lot of guys who work on a lot of cars. And, you know, I feel like those are some of the happiest, most sort of self-actualized guys. I know, guys who like fix things, work on things because they're problem solving all day, you know? Yeah, it's a different part of your brain that you're working when you're actually

doing something like that, because when you're, you know, staring into your phone, you're not necessarily using those parts of your brain that I think are so important for survival, for self-actualization, for a lot of things, for a lot of different skills that are just sort of afterfing, like our brains are sort of after-fing from not being as active, but I don't know how you do it.

I mean, I know you're trying to do a good job as a dad, sunny, right? Your kids, sunny, and your twins. How old are they now? They're 14? Yeah, they just turn 14. Wow. And you've said in your book too,

because I really, I really, and your book is great at it. It's like talking to you. It's like your rights, right? Except for I'm not talking, you're just talking. But you do say you want to round up all the day. I thought for Father's Day, we could talk about this. You want to round up all the deadbeat dads because you're blaming them. You think they're to blame for our weak culture right now, for men in our culture.

So what can we do differently? Well, I don't, I mean, I think we're proving it, but I don't think it's gonna work to kind of remove the dads from the equation or make it optional for the dads to raise their kids or to at least not judge those dads who choose not to be involved with their kids. It creates, there's a very negative effect that happens to young girls with no dad and then there's a negative separate and different version of that for young boys. But either way,

it's bad. And any society or any group that has less dads is just going to have more crime and more drug dependency and more addiction and more spousal abuse. So like more of all this stuff we don't want. So we're gonna have to start figuring out a way to keep dads in the picture. And we're gonna have to do it like we do anything. Like I live in California, every five years, there's a drought.

And they work on their drought. Like they do this awareness thing and they put it up on the freeway signs and they they also give you incentive like negative incentive like hey if you're washing your car in the driveway or you're hosing down your driveway and the neighbor calls you in you're going to get fined for like you know you're going to get a ticket for using too much water whatever Whatever it is they're doing. The point is this, it ends up cutting water use by 40%. So they launch a campaign, and it's effective.

So what I'm saying is, is where's the campaign? Where's the conversation? How come it's not discussed? It's a big problem. The families fall apart is a big problem in our culture now. And it's neither here nor there. It's like there's something the government needs to do to fix it. I don't think the government is going to fix this.

I think the family is going to fix it. Yeah, I think you're right. I think there's a lot of challenges we have right now with families and with parenting and just being better humans, right? I mean, how do we, what would have anything going on with COVID? I think you have to create better humans. And if the family is a mess, it's really hard to spit out a good human. Right.

I don't think schools, I don't, I don't feel like schools create good humans. I don't feel like after school programs. I don't feel like that stuff really is very effective at creating good humans. I think good families do a better job at creating good humans. Or if we don't have good family,

since we know there's so many, you know, homes with, you know, one parent, single parent community, like having people around you. And I think that's the thing that I miss too, is that having, you know, we don't have the relatives nearby, maybe you do, maybe you've got relatives, I don't know if you guys do. Do you?

Parents? Anything? So that was such a nice thing when you could kind of have that, even if they drove you insane, at least you had other people, aunts, uncles, cousins that could help. But right now, you know, a lot of people are from California, wherever they live, they're fed, we don't move away from our families, so we don't have that kind of support anymore. So we have to work on ourselves to become better humans.

You know what I also liked, Adam? Mm-hmm. Evan, your book. Thank you. I'm more excited about your book than you are. What is that? I really love it. I'm more excited about your book than you are. What is that? I wrote it.

I'm your emotional support animal, Adam Corolla. What did you say? You're over it? I wrote it, so I was kind of there. It's a good book, though. I'm proud of it, and people seem to really like it. Yeah. Thank you, Adam Corolla.

Thanks, Emily. Appreciate it. I'm great to see you. Talk to you soon. That's a black pie. Say, had a little nut. Bye, Adam. Thanks Emily. Appreciate it. So great to see you. Talk to you soon. That's so lucky. Bye. Say hi to Lynnette.

Bye, Anna. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. I love having Dr. Edward Cartman on the show. He's a board-certified neurologist and men's health specialist. And we're going to cover a lot of things. But let let me just say this if you have a penis in your life You have a penis you have a penis that you are fond of that you care about All those questions this is the night. He is your guy

We also some things you want to talk about is just generally the safety of going to the hospital for elective surgery right now with COVID. How, you know, what is going on with that? How can you do that safely? Getting back to life after COVID, the consequences of COVID and all those things, you know, it's always COVID. We're always a COVID COVID open zone. You can always talk about that because I think that is what's up. You can find them at healthy-mail.com and yeah, all things peed is high, Dr. Cartman. Hi, Emily. Hi, it's good to see you on zoom. This is a different format for us. Been in the studio, been on the phone,

but now we're doing a zoom call. Exactly. I feel like the last time I, when I saw you, was it February? Something it was pre, it was one of the last fun nights I've had. We went out for dinner after the show. I feel like it was February. It was right of the last fun nights I've had. We went out for dinner after the show. I feel like it was February. It was right before everything went to health.

Yes. We did not know this was gonna be our future then. And that was a good time. But thank you for joining us. Thank you for joining us. Exactly. Now we know. Well, how have you been doing?

Tell me. How's business, the penis business, and everything else? It's starting to pick back up. So we had this pause in elective surgeries for about six to eight weeks. And we were all anticipating this huge glut of patients coming in with COVID. So they essentially told us we can't do any elective surgeries

and patients didn't want to come in to see us in the office. I think my practice slowed down to about 40% of the volume that I normally see. I was surprised that even 40% of the people were coming in, but it just shows you how important sex and sexual health are to people that despite this COVID epidemic pandemic we're having, people are like, I'm still coming in to see you. I need my testosterone, I need my pills,

I need to talk about options. And then we saw a whole bunch of new problems arising from COVID, which haven't seen to this extent in a long time. Okay, tell me everything. I wanna hear what's going on. What would you see? Well, what I think is underappreciated

is that the anxiety and depression that the quarantine has caused our society and sexual health especially erectile function is so dependent on having a stress-free no anxiety, no depression kind of atmosphere in your life. And I was starting, I mean, I would see guys who are in their 20s and 30s coming in before for sexual problems because it won't work related stuff. These are high stress doubt executives or stressed out tech kind of people who are working really long hours and you'd see that.

But I mean, it just got amplified to this exponential degree that I've never seen. And I mean, people coming in with serious anxiety and stress disorders. 25 year old guys complaining of direct to all this function. A 30 year old guy is complaining of new onset urinary problems. Just all these crazy things. And it was almost chronologically,

temporarily related to what happened. It happened that started developing in these guys like a couple of weeks, maybe a month after the quarantine started. I don't know how you're doing, but I mean, I don't like to be quarantined. I don't think anybody likes to be quarantined. No, I like being out and seeing humans and talking

and being in my fabulous studio and all the things. It's been rough, it's been a huge adjustment. And so yeah, I mean, it hasn't been easy, It's been a huge adjustment. It hasn't been easy, but I'm talking to Dr. Edward Cartman, he's a urologist. He's a mental specialist. So, Dr. Cartman, what you're saying is that because we've talked about this before, you've been on the show a few times, and we have a lot of great podcasts that we've done with you as well if you want to guys to check those out. But we were saying that there is a rise in erectile dysfunction with men in their 20s and out. But we were saying that there is a rise in erectile dysfunction

with men in their 20s and 30s that we were never seeing before. And that's just interesting in itself. Because I agree through just in my years, I've seen that more, but you're saying even during COVID in the last three months, exponential growth because they've men who have never had any problems.

It's because a direct, like, what is going on in your head? Anxiety, stress, worry is going to directly impact your sexual health. Yeah, so think about anxiety causes a release of these chemicals in your brain called catacole means. It's kind of like a fight or a fight or a fight response. And so essentially, if you're being chased by somebody with a gun or a knife, your body shunts

all of its energy towards getting away from that, that danger. And so non-essential functions, like an erection, essentially go away. Your blood is shunted to your lungs, to your muscles, to your heart, essentially so that you can get out of this stressful situation. Now your body can't differentiate between stress anxiety related to say a non-violent threat to stress anxiety that's related to a violent threat. So we kind of respond in the same way, and we see the same kind of response. And again, if you're scared, if you're in fear, if you've got anxiety, the cataclylamines are flown through your body, and these cataclylamines essentially, they raise your blood fear, if you've got anxiety, the cataclylamines are flown through your body.

And these cataclylamines essentially, they raise your blood pressure, raise your heart rate, and they cause a vasoconstriction of blood vessels. And that's the exact opposite of what you want to get in a direction. You want vasodilation. You want those blood vessels to open up for that penis to fill up with blood.

And so these guys are not able to get erections. Or if they do, they get these staccato erections that go up and down, and they're not able to sustain these erections. And it was really striking to see how many people were affected by this. And I think we're blessed here on the West Coast because we don't live in these high density buildings. We kind of have backyard yards. We have storage space. So, you know, you could, you could, you know, have some supplies so you don't feel like, yeah, one day you might run out of toilet paper or something.

Right. But you can imagine if somebody's living in New York City in one of those high-density high-rises or in the middle of San Francisco, you know, high-density high-rise, with no outdoor space, no storage space, relying on daily eating out because I think people live in New York a lot of people

do that kind of stuff. But imagine if you're quarantined in that environment, how horrible is that? And I really felt for the people in New York because I thought that as bad as it was for me or anyone out here, most of them 10 times worse for that. Oh, York because I thought that you know as bad as it was for me or anyone out here Must have been ten times worse for that. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, I've heard just horror stories And I have a lot of friends parents who were like in you know stuck in buildings in New York

And it's just yeah, that was there's been a lot a lot of stressor So I want to go back to something though for a moment So what would you do then if I was it, you know, 26 year old man coming in and I've never never had these problems before. How do you work with them? From a standpoint, because if it is stress and anxiety, are you like, namaste, let's meditate, let's breathe, I mean, what do you do? Well, the first thing that I'm going to put fix for that. Right, you're absolutely right. But the first point is to recognize that what is the cause of the problem.

And so educating these guys, a 25 year old guy does not have acute onset of erectile dysfunction. I mean, in order to get acute onset of erectile dysfunction, you got to take a new drug that is known to cause erectile dysfunction, have a recent surgery that can cause erectile dysfunction. And so once they understand that this is not really a permanent state of their

being, this is probably related to their current condition, a lot of them relaxed. And I did a lot of Zoom calls with these guys. We started doing Zoom telehealth visits and just coaching these guys and just talking to them and risk sharing them that things are going to get better once the pandemic's over. We're able to get out there and socialize again. Can you imagine people who don't have a partner in this during this time? I was asking some of my patients for a single year. I don't have a partner in this time. Yes, I can imagine me not having a partner in this time.

Yes, very clearly, I imagine every day. I mean, I'm sure Tinder and Bombumble were completely out of business for the last three months. No, they've actually been booing. I just don't do the apps. And I mean, I've had lovers, I just say they're just not here in the Los Angeles area right now. But no, they're actually, people are dating online now more than ever, actually, because

that's how you're going to meet people. And people are actually slowing down and actually courting people and getting to know and there's like connecting more. So I think that's a good thing. Actually doing it out and meeting them, or are they just talking on mine the whole time? Well, I think that now people are like, okay, it's over. I'm out, you know, let's go.

But what I liked about it was that people are slowing down and like courtship is coming back. And so when they couldn't meet right away, we actually did like a contest. We were asking the listeners like, what are your quarantine love stories? Have you fell in love over COVID? We had a couple call in and they, they met, they hadn't met yet in person, but they we did a zoom with them. And they were already planning getting married and buying a house together. We should actually follow up with them and see how that if they've actually met, but they were like living very far apart. Like he's a Canada and she was like in Georgia. But anyway, but people are, yeah, they're just

sort of, you know, going a little bit deeper and then finding out about like, do we have the same values? Do we want the same things in life rather than like, you're hot, let's bang. So I kind of like that. But now I think people are desperate, not desperate, but we have it, we, people have it sex. I'm not going out doing that, having random acts of sex, but I just haven't had time. Is the thing. What do you, do you get any sense from all the people that listen to your show that the incidents of Zoom sex has skyrocket or like what would be like

fun sex or FaceTime sex. Absolutely. I've answered so many more questions about that from people who are like, what do we do? I would never have felt comfortable before. And so we talk a lot about, yeah, mutual masturbation. How do you do it? How do you make it comfortable? Don't just do it with some guy. You've had one, you know, so anybody you've had one random date with on Tinder because you could actually record that as well. And also telling people that it's, you don't have to just be like, okay, I'm naked,

let's be on FaceTime, but it's kind of like a date. You still with tees and you would get to know each other and you could just show some body parts if you'd like or you could show your face and not your journals or journals or not your face. So yeah, there's sort of an art to it. So it's been an interesting time. Just to imagine.

That's what's been happening here. And then you're getting probably the people you said who are living maybe with partner. I thought what I've noticed that there's people who have been living at home and then they're quarantined and they've been having sex challenges before COVID. And now they're like, well, I can't run, I can't hide. I got to deal with this now. And so I feel like we're getting a lot more questions about, you know, erectile dysfunction or inability to orgasm and all the things. You guys, I have Dr. Ed Recartman here and it is men's health week, men's health month,

but we're taking a week. We are celebrating it and we're talking about anything you, if you have prostate challenges, sexual dysfunction, low testosterone, questions about circumcision, I'm trying to think about all the penis questions we've been getting lately. Okay, so the other things are, so that's what's happening. So you've had them coming in to your office and asking these questions. So what else has been going on?

Is there anything else that has been sort of, let's just say in this year, perhaps, or things that you've noticed that, like as there have been anything else, well, let's just say related to COVID. Besides that, like, and you get consequences, we're talking about people who want like elective surgery and what to do right now, if you have to actually go to the hospital after right now.

So the first thing I think that people should know is that hospitals now, after this initial scare have become extremely safe. And I tell people that if you're comfortable going to the grocery store, you should be comfortable going to the hospital for anything that you need done. And in fact, it's probably safer, in my opinion,

because number one, at least in my hospital, El Camino Hospital, every personnel, staff, nurse, doctor is being tested for COVID. Every patient that's coming in for surgery is being tested for COVID within 72 hours of their surgery. So you can't say the same for their grocery store. You go in there and you know who knows who's next to you. We have PPE equipment all over the place in the hospital. We have a ton of masks, gloves, everyone's wearing masks and gloves

and we have alcohol hand sanitizer. I was like, is a bar in the hospital that's brilliant, but you meant alcohol, okay, God. Yeah, not that kind of bar. Got it. So it's really a safe place to be and that's really been the biggest challenge is now having people understand that,

okay, it's safe to come back to the hospital because one of the things that people are doing is they're neglecting a lot of their routine kind of healthcare maintenance stuff, a cancer screening, mammograms for women, you know, rectal exams for men, colonoscopies, things that we look for regularly for, you know, the most common cancers for heart disease. People are neglecting those things right now because they're so scared of COVID, they're not coming there. But when they realize that it's actually safe to come back to the hospital, then they start kind of, you know, tipping their toe in the water and realizing, yeah, it's not bad. I have to tell you that. Yeah, I'm so glad you're saying this because

he will need to hear this. It's important not to skip those routine exams It is and you know there's gonna be a consequence that we're gonna have to somehow calculate of the quarantine So that the cure is gonna have its own, you know, consequences and deaths and mortalities because you know people who commit suicide because of depression People who didn't go to the hospital with chest pain and ended up dying of a heart attack, people who neglected their cancer screening and let their cancers go awry. There's gonna be a consequence to this down the road,

and I don't know how we're gonna quantify this, but there is gonna be. And I just hope that people understand that so that they don't neglect themselves because of this COVID fear. COVID can be be avoided or getting COVID can be avoided if you take the necessary precautions. And I think the healthcare system, the hospitals are the first people and the most capable to make sure that the environment is safe for people to come back and get there. So now, interesting, we have to say that the guys who want their penises

fixed have been probably the first guys to run to the hospital say, okay, I'm ready to get it fixed. And we had this interesting phenomenon because, you know, we had six to eight weeks of no surgeries where we couldn't do any elective surgeries. And I had, you know, my operating room waiting list was probably four to six weeks deep. And so we had to cancel all these surgeries until guys, sorry, we just can't do it right now. And, you know, these guys were then stuck with their partner without an erection at home.

Imagine how frustrating they would be. That's not horrible. You got to be stuck with your partner and there's no erection. It's like, what else are we going to do? Yeah. That's, especially if you were looking forward to it. Exactly. Whatever it was they were doing.

And conversely, the guys who got in just before the shutdown happened, they got their surgeries done, got to enjoy this period. It's an interesting time because it's really an earth that people's true feelings for each other. So, and I'm sure you've heard this from some of your viewers, but you either realize that you really love the person you're with, what you really hate them, you can't stand them,

because spending this much time with somebody really kind of uners that those true feelings that somebody had. So you can't go run away from your partner and hide at the office or go on those business trips. Now you have to face the music and you have to deal office or go on those business trips. Now you have to face the music and you have to deal with this person on a daily basis. And that really tested a lot of people's relationships, I think. Absolutely. It's kind of like a truth serum because I don't think that COVID is what's

tearing people apart. Like it was because we were home. It's that they were already underlying issues or challenges. Like if you were just craving each other and someone was traveling all the time and you didn't have enough time together and then you got to be home together, it was delightful for many of those couples. But if you were already, like, I'm not sure and then you were home every day, it was like, you know, it didn't work. So I think it's leveled the playing field and there's just been a lot of people. I think, you know, I think it in a way, I like it because it speeds things up because

you could, you know, you, I don't know about you, I've been in relationships where I say it way too long. I say, I guess, spend half my relationships trying to get out of them. It's one of my patterns I've moved through in my life, but, you know, when you know, you know, it's over, but it's just stay because it's easy. I'm going to wait till after the wedding or, you know, my friend's wedding or the family is for Christmas and then you just keep waiting and waiting and then like years go by. I want to talk to Edward 25 in California.

Hi Edward, thanks for calling. Hi, thank you for taking me. Of course. I have a question for Dr. Cartman, 25 is old and my age is not being able to finish, but the issue is finishing to fast sometimes. I know my girlfriend likes it when I last longer than usual. That's the only way that she can come. And sometimes I'm able to last till she can come and then I can come.

But it's kind of painful sometimes right after you come, you know, you're still having sex and it's not even pleasure at times for a man, one of some a man comes, he just wants to kind of stop because it doesn't really feel as good as it does before, but my question is, is there some kind of exercise or something that I could do naturally to improve my, you know, my duration so that I'm not, I'm not coming as fast. Yeah, it's a great question. And I've taken this call because I'm so glad you call because this is one of the most common penis questions we get asked about, you know, essentially premature ejaculation, getting, getting, finishing before you want to. And what, what to do? So I got a question for you. Where is

this something that's happened to you before in your history? Sexual history? No, I think the whole sexual history, I think I've always came fast. I mean, I could do it multiple times a day, but I've always wanted this girlfriend that I've been with, I've only been with her for two months now. And my exes before on the path, they would come really fast just with me. We both come at the same time, but this one a little bit,

this one takes a little bit more longer to come herself and I wanted to improve the relationship. Yes, or improve your stamina. I think you're right. I think it's a great question. It also, yeah, I would say that a lot of the women you met, we might have been with, maybe not, wouldn't, didn't finish.

And I'm not gonna say it's because of you, but women typically take longer to orgasm. And most don't actually come during intercourse, just to tell you that there's stuff you can still do, even if you come too quickly. And we're gonna get to it. We're gonna answer your question in a minute. But for many women, it's just,

if you're with a woman making sure that she's pleased before you actually have, have in a course, she has her orgasm. But that's not what you're calling about, I get that. So you're talking about exercises to last longer. I've got my, we talk about this a lot, but I'd like to hear from Dr. Cartman. What do you do about this?

Do people come, you know? Yeah, so Emily, you asked a great question. And essentially what you're asking is, do you have acquired your lifelong premature ejaculation? And it sounds like, at work, you have acquired premature ejaculation, meaning that it's not been a problem in the past. And the question I have for you, how long does it take you to come?

Yeah. question I have for you, how long is it to take you to come? It takes me about four to five minutes, and then it comes, and it takes her usually about eight to ten. Okay. So, so by the definition of premature ejaculation, which is less than a minute, technically, you don't have it, okay? But I always say this to my patients. It doesn't matter what the definition say. If your partner takes a minute or a second longer than you, then it's a problem. So four to five minutes is not really bad. Okay, we have guys who are coming in who are, you know, within 30 seconds, you know, blowing their load. And that's a

problem. That's a real problem. And I've had some really refractory cases of premature ejaculation. I want you to know that it is the most common sexual dysfunction that men have between the ages of 18 and 59. So you're not alone, it's a common problem, okay? And what can you do about it? Well, naturally there's a thing called the squeeze technique. And it's such a form of behavioral modification.

So if you are having sex with your partner, I was just going to have to take buy-in from your partner, because it works better if you deal with your partner than if you do it by yourself. But if you're having sex with your partner and you're reaching that point or you're about to climax, you're going to have to pull out, squeeze the head of your penis, the gland,

almost give yourself a painful stimulus, make that, you know, because obviously when you're having pain, you're not gonna orgasm. Give yourself enough pain that it aborts the orgasm, wait a few seconds and then go back to work and try doing that. That would be the natural way to do it.

Now, it's difficult to get your partner to do that. If you're not in a real stable understanding relationship, you could try doing this on your own also when you masturbate, but it doesn't work as well. The other thing is, how much porn do you watch? I watch porn on the daily. I'm a daily. Yeah, that's part of it.

You said you said you can come all day a few times a day. So yeah, I would say take a look at that. I mean, Dr. Carvin, you've probably seen a lot with porn lately, so. Yeah, there's just been a lot of porn watch. I hear porn hub has its highest viewers since COVID started. Well, don't do that, right? The problem with porn, and I tell people it's like alcohol, okay?

If you can use it in moderation, there's no problem with it. But if you use it excessively, you're going to get into problems with it. And when you masturbate, same thing. So masturbation is not bad, but if you masturbate too much and you watch too much porn, it could be problematic. Why is that? Well, when you're masturbating, there's only one thing you have to lie. And sometimes we owe it because it relieves stress that helps us fall asleep and just gets our mind off whatever and we go out there and run one out and you know, we do it for reasons other than

just to have fun. It's just almost kind of stress relief, you know. And we forget that what we're doing is we're conditioning ourselves then to do that the rest of the time when we're not trying to relieve stress. So if you masturbate a lot and you do it to relieve stress or because you're bored, whatever, and you have nobody to satisfy, you just do it. And whenever the urge comes, you let it rip,

and you go and then you go back to business and you just do it. And whenever the urge comes, you let it rip and you go, and then you go back to your business, and you do whatever you wanted to do. But then you come back to your partner, and your partner doesn't want to just get it over with really quickly, they want to enjoy the act. And so you carry over this behavioral habit into your relationship. So I would be careful with the consumption of porn

and masturbation. Use it not sparingly, but don't overuse, don't over indulge in masturbation and pornography because it will kind of reset your thermostat as to when you're supposed to climax. Yeah. Yeah. The other thing I want to say about that. Yeah, Edward, I also want to say one more thing. Is that something that I recommend is,

is you're asking for an exercise, is a stop start method. And that's the kind of edging as we call it. So when you are masturbating, instead of maybe, you know, if you could do this without porn, which I recommend, is practice this exercise, this actually works.

And this is a method where you're masturbating until the point where you're about to ejaculate. So you're edging up to that. And then right before you slow it down and then you, you know, you kind of start to notice what, this is what I'm going to start to go over. And then you just practice that. So stop your stopping and you're starting. And that's when you can start to kind of practice it.

Also doing your kegels for men that can be helpful doing the keg exercises, straightening those muscles. And then the other thing I would say is there is a something called permescent. And it's the only, it's a treatment that has, it's for premature ejaculation that you apply before it may help you last. Like I think it's like 60% longer or bad.

You can get it without a prescription and it's a topical spray. And it's, you know, I don't, I mean, it's great. It means so many men like it, they use it. You wait 10 minutes, it won't transfer to your partner. So those are my, and also if you go to sexathelemy.com, we can actually put some posts on the show notes right now at sexathelemy.com and we have some great blog posts

and how to last longer in bed. So we talk about it a lot. Yeah, I'll try those extra. Thank you for that. Yeah, of course. Thank you, Edward. Thank you for calling. Great to talk to you.

Okay, Dr. Cartman. Thank you so much for being here. Thanks for having me. Awesome seeing you. I so appreciate you and your time and your insights. And I hope that you're doing well and staying safe. And I would love to see you here in Los Angeles when you are when we can we can we can this is over which I think is soon

gonna be soon. I hope yeah and we're no longer 60th part. Exactly, exactly all of that. So people can find you at healthy-mail.com. Yep. Thank you, Dr. Cartman, for being here. I appreciate you. Bye, you're on me. Bye. Bye. Bye.