Sex With Emily - Intimacy Issues & Porn Pitfalls

Episode Date: July 20, 2016

On today’s show, Emily and Menace are here to help you through some of your most difficult sex and dating quandaries. What do you do when you’ve found a great partner, but lost your orgasm in the process? How do you get the sex talk started with a shy lover? And what steps do you take to regain trust after a heartbreaking betrayal? From dating after divorce to issues with intimacy and everything in between, this show comes packed with solutions to a variety of relationship roadblocks. Whether you’re having trouble managing your military marriage, or you’re dealing with lingering lingerie problems, Emily and Menace have got you covered in this podcast. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and today's show we're helping you through some of your most difficult sex and dating dilemmas. What to do if you can't have an orgasm with your current partner? Why your impossible dating standards are holding you back from finding someone and how to start the sex conversation with a new partner? All this and more, thanks for listening. Listening. Listeners and friends, they're always asking me how to spice up their relationships. They all want to know how to bring the spark back. One great way is to add in some variety. Well our good friends at Adam and Eve.com know all about that.

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Get your free ring, free shipping, free DVDs, and 50% off any item, go to atomoneave.com and use code Emily at checkout. Hey, Avaline, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. Hey, girls got everything. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, not only? What do you mean, like, laundry? It's drinks?

And we not talk about sex so much. Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here. I'm so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Avaline's not the kind of girl you just play with. I'm not going to be a bad girl. I'm so, so, so, so. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

[♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com where it's just a popery of party-ness, sex stuff, party, popery, and popery even for me. Everything that you need to know. Everything you need to know about following us

and talking to us and emailing us. Well, you have a whole shop there. You have blog posts, educational things. People are loving the new store because I only put stuff in there that I love. And it's fun, yeah. And it's curated by you. It is, it is specially carried.

By the way, my name's Menace. This is so funny. Hi Menace, it's so good to see you. Good to see you too. Yeah, you all rested from your vacation. I am not rested at all. I was, so I never, I never did this before. So, do this.

FI, I went to Mexico and I went to the hard rock in Riviera Maya, which is effing amazing by the way. It is so cool. I went to the adults only section there and I'm telling you amazing food, top shelf alcohol, 24, 7, all these pools, there's like all these lagoon connected to the ocean, crystal clear water, fish, all this kind of stuff. But my schedule, I had to be back early one day. So I had to change my flight and I was flying for the American, but on the way back I ended up having to change and go with a different airline, which is called Interjet. What I don't know if

anybody's ever heard of. But everything on the way there was way back was in Spanish. And they were showing like pink Panther from the 70s cartoons on there. And like monster truck videos from the 90s. Was it like a free flight or something? It wasn't free flight, but it was the only flight that was available to get back home in time. And you got back to five minutes ago and you haven't slept? Yeah, and I, but what was weird is I landed in LAX and I've been flying to LAX my entire life.

I landed in the middle of nowhere and I had to get on a bus on an active runway to get back to the building so I can get off the plane. It took forever. And then you had to go through costumes. You have to go through costumes. Which is always stressful. Even if you're not smuggling drugs,

you're like, Oh my God, are they going to find like, not do you have anything? But I've always seen guilty. And then this bugle drops. That's more stressful. Yeah. So then, um, and then I had to get up early for the Woody show, which is a morning show that I'm part of here on Los Angeles. Yeah, I woke up yesterday specifically to listen to the Woody show. No, I was driving to I was driving to Santa Monica in the morning, which I never do drive anywhere in the morning.

But I was like, I'm gonna listen to Venice. And then I listened and I was so retained, but turns out it was a repeat, because you were out of town. Yeah, but you liked it. You liked it. Yeah, I liked it a lot. They all love you. Like I love you.

I mean, they don't know you like I know you. No, they do, but it was good. I really liked it. I was totally retained. And I tweeted you, you didn't tweet back. It's because you were lying in the sun and it's totally fine. And so yeah, it was the fourth of July. Fourth of July weekend. That's why I was gone out of town. But what did you do?

What I went to Malibu, which is a lovely, lovely place that I'd like to someday live or at least have a home there with Caitlin Jenner. Once I have a one home, one home, I can maybe get a second home there because I couldn't live there full time But it was fun. I went to two different very different parties. I went to a party at a friend's house It was all kids. I walked in it was so funny being in it. I walked in beautiful You know sound the beach very nice friend. She's like hi, are you here alone? And I was like yeah I mean, I you know me. I love hanging alone. I love going to parties. Like going stagging.

Going stagging. Like, yeah, was I supposed to go find someone outside, you know, but it was really fun. I was like a lot of kids and barbecues and in Malibu, it's just so beautiful. It's great. Right on the beach. I love it. And then I went to Soho House, Malibu, which is a private club that my friend belongs to and lots of beautiful people.

And it's just nice to be by the ocean and just take a few days off and I liked it when you know what else I've been doing though. So yeah, it was a good it was a good few days to You know, rejuvenate. So Something I've been doing mess. I have a confession to make. I actually You might already know this. I've never listened to a podcast a sex-bearing podcast not one you know Maybe half a one here and there. I remember I listened to the first one Wow, and I was really nervous about posting it because I was like 2005 and I'm like oh my god And I listened to that one and and I don't and I know that that's like you know great artist performers like you know

Football players you watch your you play and the coach goes through with you. And it's not because like, well, there's a lot of reasons. I think I also feel like I don't have time. I already did it. I already said it. But there is a lot to learn by listening to, because you know, I'm always trying to work on myself and, you know, make a better show for everybody. But also, I just thought, God, what if I listen?

I don't like it. And then I'm like, oh my God, I've been saying, oh, I'm all the time. You know what I mean? There's a lot of different reasons. But I just thought, I'm just gonna do it. And, and first of all, I'm very entertained. my God, I've been saying, oh, I'm all the time. You know what I mean? There's a lot of different reasons. But I just thought, I'm just going to do it. And first of all, I'm very entertained. I think it's good. I was like, oh, my God, this is funny. And the other thing that it cures is that there's this weird radio amnesia thing that happens.

I don't know if it happens to you. I know Dr. Drew and I used to talk about this, that you, things happen when you're here, like we're in it. We're in a bubble. And sometimes I leave it. I'm like, I don't remember exactly what we talked about, right? Do you remember that? I mean, just this morning I recorded

over the five hours and stuff. Don't remember anything that I said at all. It's not like I don't remember it and it's not. It's false. I know that I was there. I don't remember anything. You were there, exactly. Yeah, so it just been really, you know, an interesting experience.

And I, there are some things that I thought, I'm like, God, that was not, that didn't come off for that. And I just thought, I'm gonna start doing that. And that's why I'd also like to hear from listeners, like what you, you know, we always love to hear your feedback. Like what, and I get a lot of feedback, feedback at sex. I mean, not com, but like, you know, what you like, but you don't like, but overall, I think we're doing a good job.

We can't take all the feedback to heart. No, I know, I know, I know, I was like, one person said that, so we should stop. But yeah, I like it. I do realize that sometimes I say things and I'm like, there was a show actually, I love that, you know, the show that we did a few weeks ago with Danielle, my coach, she called in. I'm taking the somatic training. Yeah. And that was like a really powerful moment where I was like, because a bunch of people told me, wow, that was really intimate. And I, because I shared a lot about myself,

you guys could go back and listen to that show, which is called, ditch the drama for better sex. And I, it came out a few weeks ago, and I did reveal a lot about like childhood stuff. And I was like, what? I mean, I remember, but I don't, and I listened. I'm like, that was powerful, but all I could hear was, I said powerful eight times.

I'm like, it was just really powerful. It was really powerful. And then I'm like, taking myself powerful eight times. I'm like, it was just really powerful. It was really powerful. And then I'm like taking myself out of it. Like, no one else is noticing that. So it was just interesting. I would just like to also hear people, but it's like, do you listen to your shows? I mean, yeah, I have to,

because I edit the podcast for the Woody show every day. So I relisten to a majority of it. And then when I adjust the volume on this podcast a lot, because Emily doesn't talk directly on my microphone. I am right now, I have a move. I know, it's amazing. I love it. The only thing that's moving on my lips.

So there is definitely a lot of sections that I listen to, but I can't listen to the whole show. But I do appreciate that everyone that does do that, thank you so much. And it's funny because I, you know, I don't know, what is it, 15 podcasts ago? I said, hey, if you listen all the way to the end, comments on my dogs Instagram page,

and I get comments every day, and people that listen all the way to the end. I've been made to talk to you about that. So you said go check out Emily's Bikini photo on Instagram. And I, till this, I've gotten like 80 comments. I listen by listen. So thank you everyone for following Instagram. So I was think I have to post more bikini shots is what pretty so Madison suggested. And we did just get a huge thing of Lou, but I thought well maybe we could do something like a sink with Lou, but I could

be a bit bigger. Like green screen here. So all you got to do is put on one bikini. You can just keep on changing the background. Let's just do that. Check out the Instagram. You're going to see some nip slips, maybe. Who knows? But I'll add sex with Emily. Also, I've been matching the past couple of podcasts.

But I've been emailing with some of your team about, you know, setting up the Facebook livestream. I'm so excited to do that. So what I think, I, what I suggest, I know we're talking about right now. Let's do it. I suggest that we should just do a little short ones where you answer emails. Okay. And the shows are the shows. And then these are the. So I'm not communicating people on Facebook. They're watching it. They're watching it. You're just reading off emails from people. So that'd be great. I think that'd be really cool. Let's

do it. It's so easy, right? Super easy. I mean, because we do get so many emails, I'd be, I try to get to all of them. And we do email you when we read them. You don't want to do, you don't want to do a full-on show on there? No. No. Because this is how we were all. Yeah, and then just do like 10 minutes of just answering emails.

Yeah, because I know you're all on Facebook anyway. Yeah. I mean, when he says they're not on Facebook, it's always on Facebook. Yeah, no. I'm just some people that don't know. I think there's people who are like, but there's people that say that they're not on Facebook

and they aren't, but they go on their friends and find out on the internet. No, exactly, totally. But it's cool, we're on social media, and in fact, okay, we'll want to get some sex in the news. Okay, go for it. I found this was interesting. Three reasons why you should avoid online dating

when you're lonely. And I might also put an asterisk there and Facebook because a lot of people do talk about that reminded me of how Facebook, you know, people seem to get like a little depressed because everyone's like presenting their perfect life. But it's interesting take on online dating because we all think lonely means, well, I better find someone to hook up with. So you start swiping or messaging and you see some potential matches But here's the thing Most people who have performed this late night ritual and thank God I'm feeling lonely I'm gonna go online and date. We'll see that no

It's not the best way to handle loneliness any sense of hope for connection It's wiped out with one like hey babe you're sexy hot pick and then you're like so depressed I mean it is a great way to me people that you would never meet otherwise And I'm not saying you shouldn't online date, but if you're like in a lonely mood or you're feeling isolated, it can actually exacerbate that loneliness. So let's discuss the top three reasons

on leading does not cure or even reduce loneliness. Okay. I know. Number one, it's about time. So there's a mountain of evidence that suggests loneliness is not caused by being alone, which is interesting. It's caused by lack of relationships that feel deep and satisfying. So it's an interesting conundrum because you're online trying to find a deeper relationship, but it's not going to happen for an hour or two of swiping on an app.

And so I think loneliness, you know, the best, you know, anecdote to loneliness, antidote to loneliness is like anecdote. Anodotololiness is often connecting with people and making plans with friends and getting out of your house and doing something. And I'm going to get a dog and I'm going to admit something here that is pretty personal is that I remember a Family friend who's actually a therapist years ago said to me You know, I was always in relationships and going one to the next and he goes you've just never been lonely He said you should try you should experience loneliness first and I'm like oh lonely I've never been lonely. I you're okay, and I know it stuck in my head You know because I think like it's important to experience a lot of things and I realized that moving to LA

You know three years ago and leaving my community in San Francisco, which I had, you know, friends there for 23 years, like that perhaps I have been lonely. Like I have relationship, I have friends, but they're not the same, I mean a few of them, but that deep person and I have a dog, those connections that like sometimes,

and I realize that would I, that sometimes I'm just like, well, I'm just going to go home because I'm also like being home. But whenever I just say yes to, even if I don't feel like it, like if you're going, you're feeling like, you know, you just want to stay home. Like I said a few weeks ago, like I feel like America's struggle is just to get off the couch because we all really just want to be at home watching TV. But when I do say, you know, I'm going to go dinner with someone. I don't really know. It's a little weird or friend. I always feel better by that connection with someone.

So, yeah, I might have felt loneliness. And now I'm moving past it. Good. Even by talking about it, I feel less lonely. It's hard because, yeah, in Los Angeles, it's so spread out. And then San Francisco is so convenient to just beat up with somebody and hang out. Exactly.

It's easier to add. And I had just those connections of 20 years. And here's like, I'm starting over in a way, like making, and you don't just make best friends in a day, like you have a relationship. So you build it. Yeah, but I totally understand my best friend from high school who I hung out with every single day,

and then even out of high school forever. When I finally moved to LA, I've seen them twice and I've been here for two and a half years. Well, because LA, it is so spread out. Like if you're in Venice, like I'm gonna see you. Like if you're in the beach. Yeah, but I don't think it's, I don't think it's ridiculous to go drive places.

Like some people are just so, if it's more than 10 minutes away, I'm not gonna go there. I would totally do that, but it's such a fast-paced city. People always have something to do. You know? It's true. So when you try to make plans, it is crazy.

Yeah, you don't know if they're going to just people cancel the whole thing. People are flaky here, they say. I guess, I don't know. Okay. It's also about the other reason why you might feel lonely. It's about technology. Technology is great, you know, most efficient way to meet new people these days often. You know, people are not striking up conversations as much with like the stranger at the bank.

But there is ample evidence that technology is not the best or most accurate way to get to know someone. Because knowing someone again is like spending time a deep relationship and technology can also make it harder to do so, because people lie in their dating profiles, they have a harder time like gauging, how is this serious as person, you don't have the facial expressions

and the in-person contact. So when it comes to satisfying relationships, the kind that like ease loneliness is knowing each other really well, which is hard to do online. So I'm not saying you should have dated line, I'm just saying it's important to develop those outside. And number three, it's about stress. So, um, Aziz and sorry, you know, Aziz and sorry, he, uh, he, his book Modern Romance, which is really good. I actually read it, uh, believe it or not, uh, interviewing hundreds of young people involved in online dating. And he describes, I remember this in the book, talking to one girl, and she said,

the process of online dating had more fun and exciting into a new source of stress and dread. And I've heard this from so many of my friends, more girlfriends than guy friends, but it's just, you know, it can be stressful because you're getting all these like connections, but then like, you hear from someone. There's too many connections, because back in the day, online dating when I first started, you'd be on match and then you'd probably get three, four responses and then you maybe connect

with one or two of them and then you're just talking to those people. Yeah. Here with freaking Tinder and Bumble, you're talking to like 40 people the same. Oh yeah, always. Oh, how was that connection last time that I do? He didn't message me. Oh, do you want to get a Tinder? Menace went on my Tinder and started swiping with people. And I went through like 60 and I only found one to match with and he didn't talk to you. No, I don't know why. I'll I could check it again, but look I'm thirsty. Yeah, yo dude. I know I haven't

Find somebody bubble is the app when you I should send ever bumble That's the one where the women make the first message. Yeah, it goes away But tinders like I've had this profile forever and I don't ever go on it until last week All right, let me find somebody you do that So anyway, just think about that you guys that that it's okay if you are dating online in your home. We hope just, and you start to feel lonely, you're not in a great place for it. It might not share you up. That's all the point of sight. Okay, so now let's give a little shout out to our sponsors. We love you and we love that you support our sponsors and then we'll be back with some emails. Thank you for listening.

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I love hearing from you and I love when you include your name, how old you are, ages crucial, where you're listening from and how you listen. Plus, I have a new feature on the show. You can call and leave your questions to me by voice mail. And if your message is selected, you play your question on the show and I answer it live. The number is 818-ask-swe1. That's 818-ask-swe as in sex with Emily 1 or 818-275 seven, nine, three, one, and the ground rules are on the website, but you know,

try to keep it short. Don't include your last name, the names of anyone you're talking about. And I can't wait to hear from you. This will be fun. Okay, how are you? Okay, menace is, kids swiping on my Tinder.

I'm swiping like crazy. There's no one, right? It's not good. You don't want to pinch. I wasn't a kid for a while, you know. But the thing is also, oh, I knew that guy. Oh, you know someone?

Is he cute? Really nice? Oh, no, so a radio guy. He's so cheesy. He put his radio logos on his photos. Like 90% of these photos are terrible. Like why are guys thinking? Guys, don't know.

I feel like you guys should pass it by me first. I'll tell you which photos to put up. Terrific photos. The guys who put up pictures with like a girl, but you don't know who it is, or like six guys, and you're like, which one are you? I don't have a lot of time. From this photo of this guy in a gym,

a ticket in a gym selfie, and his face is cut off. Because that makes me say like, oh, I just want your body. He thinks that's what I'm gonna do. No wonder you're never on this thing. It's awful. I just, you know. And then here's a photo with a guy and two other people,

like, which one? Exactly. How do I know? Do you have a guy of time to be the detective right now? No, either show me who you are. Don't put all your other friends. What do I think your friends cute? Not you.

Here's a guy at a car show sitting in one of the cars at the convention. You can't see his face. You can't see anything. It's not even his car. Terrible, guys. Oh my God, set up, set up up your photo game. I know.

It's real people. It's a whole art. I mean, really, it's marketing. You're marketing yourself. Yeah, research. And everyone has a good card, too. I'm like, you don't play guitar. It's like your roommate's guitar.

Okay, so honestly, I've probably gone for real. We didn't swipe it over. Over 50 photos and I haven't found one. Thanks for nothing, now I'm feeling lonely. Just kidding. Okay, got some e-bails. Alright, what do you got? Dear Emily, I'm a 55 year old woman who is newly divorced after 28 years of marriage. The last several years of my marriage, we slept in separate bedrooms and had no physical

contact at all once we separated. I started online dating. I met someone in the Sparks flu. Our sex life was incredible and I would have multiple mind-blowing orgasms. Problem was, it was an unhealthy relationship because he ended up being exactly like my ex-husband. It was also slightly illicit, I would describe it as me slumming with him. Several months after I broke up with him, I met a terrific guy.

We have many common interests. I love spending time with him. Our sex life started off a little awkward, but we both started to feel more comfortable communicating or needs to each other. I find him having difficulty having an orgasm with him. He will go down to me and use his hands with me guiding, but I just can't seem to climax. I can't get over the thought of the orgasms I had with the other guy out of my head even though I know I should compare.

Am I overthinking this? Can I make it work with the new guy? I don't want this to be a deal breaker, but at this time of my life I want to have a healthy relationship with sex as an important factor. Love your show and hope to hear back from you. Lisa. See, this is what we talk about all the time like situations where yeah you have amazing sex with somebody that sucks as a person or in a

relationship with but then you meet an amazing person to have a relationship with but then the sex is not on that level you can't compare them. Yeah you really can't compare sexual experiences but it's because we all do it. It's the crazier the girl is and the Most insane relationship you have probably that's probably the best sex you've ever had in your life People always say that crazy girl crazy sex you're never gonna marry the person you're the best sex with I'm gonna say That's not true. I hope in my life. Well, I'm not if I get married, but um I don't think that has to be the case necessarily, but that is a very common wisdom, that common belief that people have. But I think what happened here in Lisa is that you're linking up in your brain with a

good guy. It sounds like that you've linked up with your brain that bad guy, bad boy, equals great sex and orgasms. Nice guy equals bad sex and new orgasms because your husband wasn't great. This last guy wasn't great, this last guy wasn't great. And it's possible that your marriage and divorce left some issues that you still got to work through. So not a bad idea to get into therapy, figure out where this link is between the bad boy and the good sex. And also I'm just curious after reading your

email, like, are you attracted to this guy? Like, you know, you said it first it was awkward, you know, and he's a nice guy, and I liked that he's a nice guy. Believe me, it's much better than dating the jerks before. But it could be your body saying that you're not ready, but I wouldn't say that you should dump this guy just because you're not having orgasms yet, because if you have been listening to the show, you know that, you know, it's not always, it's not a perfect science.

So, you know, maybe your mind is like thinking about the last guy or, you know, it could be anatomical. Like there could be a way that like his penis isn't, you know, you haven't quite figured out how to move with him or communicate with him. And so, I would just say like, you got nothing to lose right now. And why not just say to him, God, you know, hot sex is fun.

And I need to move certain ways or do certain things. If orgasms like, let me show you, let's work on it together. Like, can you think of what it was before? Why you were able to orgasm? I'm sure you know, was it a position, was it dirty talk, was it aggressive? You know, what was going on there? And can this guy kind of get on board with your plan and help you get there?

Because I don't think, I don't know that you've tried with him. It doesn't sound like you guys have had this talk because again, I know talking about sex is a hard thing to do. But I wouldn't dump this nice guy yet without really trying. So I don't think it's impossible. I think it's possible to have an orgasm. If you have had orgasm before, we'd be having a totally different talk if you've never had one. But you've had them. And so, and the thing about orgasms, another tricky thing is

that it's sometimes it's my, our minds can get in the way, you know, it's not even a physical thing. You're thinking too much of the last person while you're having sex with the curm. Yeah, and she even said, am I worth thinking. If you got to ask if you're over thinking, honey, I think you're over thinking. So I'd go back with him and I would just try to have a talk because you've got nothing to lose here And then if you talk to him about it, you're like this is what I like you could try some mutual masturbation And if it still doesn't happen, then you know you tried but just to end it You know, it's funny because I get questions men it's all the time people like if I had a bad first kiss I just end it. I just knock out someone

First off a first kiss. Yeah, or like a bad first kiss, I just ended. I just knocked out to one. First off a first kiss. Yeah, or like a bad first, even first off. A first hug up, yeah. No, you shouldn't, because you're with Nuke. There's so much going on. It's like a whole new experience. Like the first time you try anything new, you know, the first time like you try new sport,

or the first time I try a new like yoga, like you gotta learn, there's a learning curve. Yeah, don't give up on the first. Don't give up. Don't give up. And don't give up on the first. Don't give up. Don't give up. No, and don't give up on him yet Lisa. Give a little try. Yeah, ready?

Where are you? Hi Emily, I'm a huge fan of your podcast. I love listing to all your tips, tricks, and relationship advice. You always seem to care about the people that write in and give them thoughtful assistance to their issue. Love your Instagram too. Thanks for sharing yourself with Albus.

My husband and I have been married for under a year, we are 30 and we have an incredible sex life. We're very sexually active and we keep it very intimate and sexy. It's great. Problem is, he's in the military and was deployed recently. He's in a nine month deployment overseas that our sex life, so our sex life is unhold. Two worries I have. Well, he's awake. One, porn, two intimacy. I'm worried that both of us will get used to watching porn and that might affect our sex life at intimacy levels when he gets home. I know neither of us are visually stimulated by porn.

I know both of us are visually stimulated by porn and like to watch it only self-love or self-pleasure. Neither of us would say we have to have it, but I know we both prefer to. What advice would you give us on the amount of poor me watch over the next time months? Should we try to limit and focus that sexual energy on pictures or memories of each other? Thanks for your time and health nine month for Jim. Well, yeah, she doesn't want to get it addicted to porn, right?

Right. Well, yeah, because her husband's are ways to play for nine months. Um, yeah, don't, I mean, I think, I hear something. I think that you're, I love that, you know, I think you're wearing a little bit too much here because you're like, you know, when people feature a trip and you're like, God, but what if this happens or what if we watch too much porn

and then we won't be to each other? Like, what are the chances to get personality? I don't know what to say. But she says they have great sex and great intimacy. I like that you're aware of it because it is a real thing. I mean, some couples do just get addicted to porn if you believe in that. It's controversial, but it, you know, as a replacement, but it sounds like you guys have a great connection and that that I think

that the connection that you have and the great sex that you've had, when he comes back, it's going to trump all the porn that you've seen. And you're just gonna be so excited to see each other again. I agree. But I mean, if she could just use the memory and things that she has with them, I say go for it. Totally. I mean, I mean, I've never tried cocaine in my life,

but I'm sure if I did try it, I would probably love it and keep on and wanting to do it over and over again. So that's why I don't do it. So if you do have addictive personality, then I suggest that yeah. I mean, but it sounds like, yeah, I don't know if she does, but I think that you guys could both learn to do it without porn.

In fact, while it is very healthy for relationships, I talked about this a few weeks ago on the show, but it's true that if you are worried about this at all, even just for yourself, because you can't control what your husband's doing, but I think masturbating with that porn is like a really great way to, first of all, to have a new experience with self-love.

So, you know, thinking about him and be memories that you guys have together, like, you know, thinking at pictures, or if you like, little videos, you can write stories, and that you guys have together, like, you know, picking up pictures or if you've, like, little videos and you can write stories and that makes you feel good, like try to just, like, not watch porn. You could also, you know, and just think about those memories. You could also just say, you know what, I'm not going to think about anything, but the sensations I'm having in my body.

So you can have a night where you're having a date with yourself and you're taking a bath and you're just touching your body and you are learning new aridian sounds, maybe playing with some new toys, and then when your thoughts go to anything, you can think about your husband, but bring it back, try one session where you're just going back to whatever it is you're feeling. So wow, I never knew that when I rubbed my fingers over my nipples that I got so turned on. I mean, this is a great time to explore your body.

Yeah, I'll everybody your body. And what about your husband? I don't know if he's a military or if you guys can have like Skype, sex and stuff. I don't know if he's like in a barrack with like a bunch of guys or what that can happen. So I would say just try to take a little time away from it.

And just don't beat yourself up. Maybe one time you pour and the next time other pour. You know, also do your keg exercise. Is I like when I master rate and I breathe and I do my kegels because I can have more intense orgasms. So I think you guys are fine. I don't worry about it too much. Sounds like you guys have a great foundation all that stuff I like them. Hi, man. Hi. Okay. Hi. I'm a 22 year old guy from New York Huge fan of your show you guys make talking about all this stuff so relaxed and easy

I appreciate so much. I'm in my first serious, serious relationship with a girl who has so much trouble opening up about who it has as much trouble opening up about what she needs in the bedroom as I do. As such, it feels like there is an awkwardness we can't break through. As a fan of your show, I'm super sex positive and I want to get over this so badly. How do you set the tone for a straight forward, judgment-free conversation and make sure that we can successfully break that wall down. Thanks, Emily. Okay. Alcohol.

Alcohol no, man. It's so glad you don't say that as much anymore, but that can help people relax and enjoy sex, not talk about sex. Why not? You think after you get high and you great sex, like let's talk about this, to just do this. No, no, no, I'm not saying you.

No, I know. But after a couple of drinks, yeah, no, I'm not saying you know. I know. But after a couple of drinks, yeah, definitely. I mean, if you remember it, if you remember it, yeah. Oh, if you're New York, Rainbow Room brunch. And have a chat there about sex. I mean, I could lead up to it, yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's true.

It's best to have these conversations outside the bathroom. You know about the Rainbow Room? Yeah. It's like all the way on the top at the NBC building? Yes, yes, I've been there. It's amazing, delicious buffet, awesome drinks. Right. Okay, that's good.

Men's is at the food advice to wherever you are in the world. Wherever you are at, I got you. It's true. What would be a good place to eat and to have a conversation about other isms? About boning. Boning. But see, okay, so you guys are the same age, which is great.

And it's possible, like we say, she might not know what she wants yet. And you might not know exactly what you want and how to talk about it. So in a way, this is a level playing field, which I like. So you can just start up, I mean, and again, it's like ripping the bandaid off. This is not always an easy thing to do when you've never talked about sex, but you can just say to her when you're at the rainbow room. Hey, so, you know, let's talk about sex life. I think, you know, it's been, last night was hot. Like, so what, what did you think about last night?

What was your most memorable moment from last night? No, and then she can ask you the same thing. And you guys can start talking about what you like, what you don't like. You could even say people do this all the time. Hey, so I've listened to this podcast actually Emily and she talks about how so many couples don't talk about sex. And I thought, wow, can we have a talk about sex set? And so like, I thought, let's talk about sex.

I'm not even sure. I don't have a mission here. I just want to know like, are you going to feel about it? Yeah, are you in a three-sum set? Right. Yeah, because I got this friend coming over later. Yeah, let's do it. Exactly.

We out here. Yeah, and say that you wanted to discuss like, hey, like this really, what turned you on or what, you know, I'd like to try X, Y, Z, you guys go to a sex toy store after the rainbow room, you can just open it up and be like, let's start talking to you. You could just be like, I don't even know what that means. Communication is lubrication, but let's that's what she always says Emily, this crazy pocket I start. Yeah, she's nuts. But I like that you're asking this question and you're both awkward about it, but the only way to get less awkward is to have a charity chat.

Do it. These chairs are squeaking. We gotta put some WD40 on them. Oh, I have WD40. That should work. Perfect. Or some Lube. I do.

Yeah, well, we got some Lube. System Joe Lube, we got a lot. System, you gotta put some stuff. Do you want to put some stuff? I have a VAT. I truly have a VAT of Lube. And on my Instagram, I'm gonna be of that. I have a VAT. I truly have a VAT of loop. And on my Instagram, I'm going to be in a bikini in a VAT of loop. We decided. Yes.

You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to be in a bikini in a VAT of loop. Fuck my life. You know what I'm going to do? What? I'm going to be in a bikini in a VAT of loop on the Instagram. On the Instagram there. The sex with Emily Instagram. Check it. All right.

Okay, so that's so much Loub, so a little time. Has that bikini pic, my goal is to pass a thousand likes on. Yeah, let's do it. Has it done anything? I got like, I went actually the other day. I was just eating the car. I was just like, how was it going? And I went to, I was like, I think everybody else,

like, wow, you guys, you really do listen to the show because men just like like her photo. I mean, that's like, it's only a bik be key we got a lot of fun photos on there. I mean but only people are only interested in the bikini photo. No menace that makes me feel like you feel Dr. 5 as a woman. Oh come on don't pull that crap. I do don't think this one seemed like reading a book. Yeah that's what they're all about.

Or a super skinny photo at it's down there now. There's there. Well I had some other stuff I got to post. Like the Vat of Luz. Oh wait, there's a cool like yoga pick of you. Showing your stomach. Yeah, just see that baby. See, people like that.

Yeah, that was a popular one. And then the woman has a vacation in bikini with popular as well. So what? I should just, yeah, this one, Cabo and I Cabo. Showing some, another bikini photo. I didn't even see this one. Dude, you got to spend more time on my Instagram.

What? See? That's what the people want. If that's what the people want, you know what the best thing is that when I- You got to get what the people want. When I started this show, I talked to my friend who's like the most brilliant business mind around that I know. And I was like, dude, I got to figure this out.

Which I do. But since then, like 2005, he's like, I told him everything I want to do., I gotta figure this out. Which I do, but sex only, 2005, he's like, I told him everything I want to do. And he just looks at me and he's like, you just gotta put some sexy photos on your site. Like some kind of thing. That guy was a genius, why didn't you listen to him? I'm not about that.

It's not about me being sexy. It's about me helping the people. And now, 10, 11 years later, you're saying, just do some bikini shots. Yeah. All right. What's wrong with that? Wait, then you got this one with some shorts

and you're like sucking on a lollipop. What is that? That's very sexual right there. That was my birthday photo. What? I had so many photos on my vloggers. And for me, man, I still have something for you in my house. You do?

For your birthday, is it? I'll tell you. Yeah, what apps? I want to surprise you. OK, so we can move on to the next email. Yeah, let's do it. Hey, Emily, man, it's just, you like him. I want to surprise you. Okay, so we can move on to the next email. Yeah, let's do it. Hey, Emily, you like him. Oh, that's mine.

You can't like my photos of mine. Hi, Emily. My name is Carol 36 from Port, one of me, California. Do you know it? H-U-E, any of you? I haven't heard of it. I have a question, but I'm not sure where to start.

About three years ago, my boyfriend cheated on me with a 21-year-old. Oh, no. She's 36. Apparently, everything started when she was 19. Oh, no. Yeah. This all happened right after. Two years he was cheating. Yeah. This all happened right after we had our baby. When I found out, I had plenty of evidence from pictures, detects, etc. When I asked why he said, and the guiselea. He went, right. Yeah. I even know this. When I asked why, he said it was because I wasn't sex enough

and I didn't want the lingerie. He desired and she did. He left for three years and later came back and begged for me to take him back. They all do. They always circle back. Because a young one didn't want to be with his old ass anymore. No way, she's like, I'm 22, man.

It's not going down. Yeah. I went ahead and forg back. Because the young one didn't want to be with his old ass anymore. No way, she's like, I'm 22, man. That's going down. Yeah, see ya. I went ahead and forgave him and the sex has been great. Prior to the cheating, we had major passion, but recently asked, why I don't wear sexy lingerie. Here's where things get sticky. One, I'm scared that if I do wear the lingerie, I'll be thinking about her and two,

I've become very insecure about wearing lingerie with him since, after all, he he did say I wasn't sexy Emily, what should I do to work on the present and try to forget the past help Where the lingerie and forget about it? No, it's not that simple honey. I mean why because this is a wake-up call This is not about the lingerie. This is not about any of that. I'm sure this sex isn't no, no, no, no, menace. Listen.

He tells you exactly what the problem is. Menace, menace. What? Okay. I know you're tired. You're too back for Mexico. Here's the thing about cheating. Carol is that it sounds to me like, first of all, my heart, like my heart opens up so much.

I was like, really moved by your email because I can only imagine what that must have felt like, having a new baby, finding out he's cheating with this young girl, and then like not, like it damages your self-esteem, your trust, you know, your ability to be in a relationship, probably with anyone, and then he comes back, and yes, the sex is great.

It's always great, break up sex, make up sex is fun. You know, feels great, but here's the thing, you have not healed yet. I fully believe that you have not rebuilt the trust with this guy. How do you know he's not gonna leave again? He scarred you, and I'm, you know, I'm all for working on things,

especially if you guys have a kid together, but rebuilding the trust is not something you do on your own, especially after devastating cheating like this. I mean, you guys got to keep setting a kid with him. So I feel like, you know, this is all about the betrayal and the damage that happened three years ago. And he should be, you know, trying to rebuild your trust, not saying like, why don't you wear lingerie? So I highly suggest that you guys like do not run, you know, do not walk, but like run to therapy because you need a therapist to help you guys figure out if and

when you can rebuild this trust. Um, yeah, you do wear the laundry, but I get it. Like, it's going to trigger a lot for you. You don't know. He might be be thinking I hate this girl. Why do you think I won't be thinking about laundry But how would you know Carol like how would you know? It's never just about the laundry and learning a new sex move It's about betrayal and trust and I think that that's where you guys have to focus right now I'm not going right back to the sex and then maybe you don't want to rock the boat and you're happy He's back, which is I'm glad he's back But he doesn't get like a free pass like he doesn't get a hot pass just for showing up. So you got some work to do there.

And then eventually you'll feel great wearing lingerie because you'll have an issue free lingerie experience. So stone dragon out for years. No, right. See, that's what I'm saying. So let me come exhausting. Let me tell you what happened to the couples who don't work on cheating issues. When there's portrayal and I know many couples like this, I don't care.

But was a year ago, 10 years ago. I've heard from couples who were like, he cheated on me or she cheated on me eight years ago, and it still comes up all the time. Like, why is my partner nagging me not forgetting about it or why can't I forget it? It's because nothing in our life goes away. No issues are ever just go away, we repress them.

They are not healed, we don't work them through, so they no longer are so charged for us, so we don't trigger. And that's the work you have to do, people. I'm sorry, it doesn't go away. But abuse doesn't go away. On that note, on that high note, that's what we got time for today. It was great seeing you, Emily.

You too, Menace. Menace is like, I love hearing from the people. I love seeing your face, Menace. And I love you all. Thank you for following us on everything. It's all on my website, but it's like snapchat, Instagram, Facebook. Of course that part.

Of course that part. But definitely, just go, I mean, go to sexwithemily.com. It's just like, yeah. I know we just tell you to go there, but there's everything that you need to know, like articles, educational things, videos, everything that you need to know, like articles, educational things, videos, toys that you might be interested in is all there on one website, sexarmly.com.

We work really hard on it every day, updating. So thank you, menace. And you're at menace at menace. Find all of this stuff. Definitely, I recommend if you're looking for somewhere to travel, they're not a sponsor mine. I'm not getting paid to say this. But Riviera, Maya, the hard rock, the adults only. The adults only baby you said magic words have so much fun.

You fly in a cancun. I do suggest taking a shuttle. I use Canada, Canada shuttles, Canada travel or something like that. Just take a shuttle straight to the resort, have some fun. But don't fly that airline's home. Yeah, fly Virgin or whatever. And just have a bunch of fun, have a bunch of sex, hotel, sex, resort sex. Yeah, hotel sex is awesome, it's summer, maybe, have some sex.

You can do it. Okay, everyone, thanks for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithfamily.com. It's almost that time again, the Sexual Health Expo is back. And this time, it's taking place in one of my favorite cities on earth, New York City. I'm so honored to once again be hosting this one-of-a-kind event like seriously. What other event brings today's top sex educators and the hottest pleasure products together under one roof? Exactly! It's the only one.

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These will disappear quickly. I'll see you there.