Sex With Emily - Is That A Red Flag In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

Episode Date: September 1, 2020

When it comes to relationships, it’s not unusual to get into unhealthy patterns—so I'm going to help you identify some of the warning signs you might be ignoring. Whether you’re dating a perfectionist or a partner who is emotionally unavailable, there are some red flags that will never turn green.I also address why words are just as important as actions, how to spot if someone is emotionally detached and you’ll learn when and how to communicate difficult feelings with the people we love most.For even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure in libering the conversations around sex. Your kids are home from school. You thought that your kids are back at school right now. They're still not back at school. No, they're still there. They're still home. What do you want? What patterns are repeating for you? Have you find yourself settling in relationships that don't work for you? He's that boy for material. Like I'm exosities. That boy for material. He hasn't dated in 15 years, so he says his daughter's 20. Like to me, couples who don't argue and don't have conflict have

bigger problems than many of us. So, it's time for some conflicts. I'm not computational, butpetational type of person. I mean, keep trying to avoid controversy at all costs. Well, how's that going? Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrub eyes.

They call them in a fight on days. Today is Kiss and Makeup Day. They call them in a fight on day. Today is Kiss and Make Up Day. And so it got me thinking about those relationships. Have you been in one of those relationships where you are constantly fighting and then making up and then fighting again? And then you actually get into like this toxic cycle where the best times are when you're making up. We call those toxic relationships, which is a term that's been thrown around a lot toxic relationships, dating and narcissists, somebody who is emotionally unavailable.

But what do all those terms mean? What does it mean if you're with somebody who's really unhealthy or you're in a consistent dating pattern and you just say, everyone I meet is emotionally unavailable or I keep dating narcissists. And then people might ask you too for your pattern. You're like, I just don't know what's wrong with me. I just keep dating the wrong people. And I used to say things like that as well,

till I started to learn this stuff, right? When you study it. But what I realized for me personally, that I used to think that people I dated were emotionally unavailable, for example. And then I realized that I wasn't that available either. I might have been the one that was emotionally unavailable.

And typically weren't in these kind of relationships, we tend to sort of blame our partners and like, what's wrong with me or everyone's messed up. But what I'm gonna tell you is you're gonna keep repeating those patterns forever until you say, okay, I'm gonna stop dating dating, I'm going to, or I'm going to work on this with my partner. I'm going to work on myself and then go back to my partner if you're still in a relationship, which is awesome. Because there's always going to

be patterns. So when I talk about doing the work, I'm talking about what is my pattern, what do I keep repeating? There was this study and the headline of is like, it's a messy relationship, better than no relationship. And it goes on to look at this perfectionist pattern that some of us might have. You know, you have really high expectations. And in some ways, I feel like a lot of us, all the self-respect are like, they even say that everyone's on the spectrum of narcissism or the spectrum, you know, some things you want to be perfect and at others. But if you're highly perfectionistic, I think if you walk around like thinking that everything has to be perfect in your life, you probably already know personally it can be destructive.

But are you in a relationship where you have a pattern and you really want your partner to be perfect all the time? This is what this study talks about. So to explain this to you, well first let me say there are daily sources of irritation in every relationship. Like, you know, your partner forgets your anniversary, you know, your vacations are always, you know, not fun for some reason, you're picking the wrong places. But I think just first off, knowing that relationships are gonna be perfect. I mean, if you still think, oh, everything should be perfect

and when it's not, I leave. I think we all have this idea like this expectations that relationships are supposed to be perfect. Or maybe we're still single because we keep thinking this. So I think this is gonna be helpful for everybody. So this study was done in Italy.

They talked about how perfectionism can negatively impact your relationship. What they found is that if you have other oriented perfectionism, meaning you become angry or hostile towards the partner that you think is falling short. Now, that is contrast to self-oriented perfectionism where we're like so hard on ourselves, which I can relate to that. I'm very hard on myself. To the point where that's all,

I mean, all perfectionism has its challenges. And then the third form of perfectionism is when you try to live up to unrealistic standards of what you think is expected to by society. So here it is. You either blame your partner for not being perfect, blame yourself for not being perfect, or you're trying to live up

because you think everyone else is happy. And the rest of society has an idea of what you should be doing, and you constantly feel like you're not enough. But it's this other oriented perfectionism that is a problem in relationship, so it's the belief that your partner needs to meet your expectations and they should do everything you want. They should, you know, like if your partner does something you expect it should be done

flawlessly. And these are the people that they say have these high personality traits. So people who are very high on this partner needs to be perfect scale. They tend to be low inagreableness. I love that word. They're not very nice. They're kind of assholes. They are constantly getting out of relationships because they're not working. And they keep leaving relationships because they can't find long-term fulfillment. And I was just thinking, gosh, you know, first of all, this totally like struck a chord. And then, you know, I was thinking about the term like someone being emotionally

unavailable, right? And then I thought, I used to always say that and there's all this stuff about narcissism, people being emotionally unavailable. What does it mean if someone's a, because, because, well, the study is interesting, like, yeah, maybe that's your partner. And you could blame your partner for being in that way. But what are, what does it mean if someone's, because, well, the study's interesting, like yeah, maybe that's your partner, and you could blame your partner for being in that way, but what are the traits that you are reflecting? So for example, how do you know if someone's emotionally unavailable? Well, first, maybe they're just not available, okay?

They're not available at all. Meaning, they're constantly dropping little breadcrumbs, they are not totally committing to the relationship. They don't really introduce you to anybody in their life. The other thing is they probably might, they maybe they invalidate your feelings. They're always saying that you, you know, and this is also a form of gaslighting, which is also a very common term right now. Somebody who constantly is telling you that you're wrong, they just credit everything that you say, especially your feelings.

They don't allow you to validate your feelings. Like you you say, especially your feelings. They don't allow you to validate your feelings. Like you'll say, I'm feeling upset. You can't possibly be upset about that. We forgot my birthday. I get, oh, I didn't forget it. How could you say that? So they're making you feel crazy. They play games. That's another thing. If you're with game players, right, they're just constantly playing games. They're not texting you. They're making vague plans with games. They're not texting you. They're making vague plans with you. They're a little bit flaky.

We call it breadcrumbing. They call that in the dating world. Like they keep like every two weeks. They send you a text, right? They stay in your life just enough that you keep you hooked. Like they're giving you a little breadcrumb, but then they pull away. They avoid conflict.

You know, they constantly like, you know, you bring something up, they deflect it. You try to have a conversation about something they tell you not to worry. They just avoid disagreements. These are all characteristics of someone who's emotionally unavailable. And maybe even a little bit toxic. They're very defensive. God, defensiveness drives me crazy. Defensiveness, a passive aggressiveness.

That's another one. You can not have a conversation with them. Body language is another thing. Our body language is a very big indicator. It's really only like 20 to 30% of the words we say, but it's our body language. Maybe they're eye rolling or they turn away from you. Tune into their body language.

Do they never make eye contact? Have you ever been with those people who they never make eye contact? No wonder why you feel like they're emotionally unavailable, because you actually literally don't feel connected to them. I mean, the eyes are such a, such a so intimate to actually be looking into someone's eyes and having conversation. But if you're with them and you're like, why do I feel alone when I with them? Maybe they're not making eye contact. You know, they don't respect your time. Maybe they're always late. These are all signs of those relationships that probably didn't work and you don't need all of these traits.

It's just a few of these traits. So they're not making time for you when they do make time for you, they're late or they cancel or they assume you're going to be ready at the very last minute whenever they want to be ready. Sometimes these people make you do all the work in the relationship. So they're the ones waiting for you to plan and to make the next thing happen to make the relationship exciting and they seem selfish. God, these are like so many people that I know I'm writing. These, and I have these traits, don't get me wrong, I am not perfect.

But my point here is talking about relationships where we're constantly blaming others and we're like everyone's messed up or, you know, I know for me, me personally if I'm dating somebody right now and again I've done everything that you've done. I've been in this place where I'm like oh they were an asshole or they were a jerk and then I move on. But we come to realize is that relationships whether you're just dating three times or dating for three years or dating for your life, it is such an incredible place to actually learn

about yourself in relation to someone else. So think about it this way. It's a relationship. How are you related? How does it make you think about who you are in relation to this person? Because if you're alone a lot of, you're not in relationships, sure you can learn, but that's where we're really going to do a lot of it.

So if you're going through a breakup now, which I have a sense, there's a lot of COVID casualties. I've just been hearing it around that people just, they're not making it through these times, we're all really kind of stressed out right now. And you can't, you know, the weird thing about COVID

is that everybody is impacted. Like I don't know anybody who has, in some way, shape or form been impacted by the economy, their jobs, their family, stress of being with a partner at home, or maybe your partner is an essential worker, and they've been out and then that stressful, your kids are home from school,

you thought that your kids would be back at school right now, they're still not back at school. Nope, they're still there, they're still home. You know, maybe someone you know got sick has COVID. So in a sense, we're all going through this collective trauma, and I know trauma's another term that's thrown around a lot, but when you are in a sense, we're all going through this collective trauma, and I know trauma's another term that's thrown around a lot. But when you are in a trauma, it's almost impossible to analyze a trauma, to understand the trauma, to process the trauma. When you're in a trauma,

you can't like process it, right? If you've ever been through anything traumatic, it could be like a car accident or it could be, you know, rejection, it could be assault something. You typically go into a phase of being numb or deflecting and so when we're all in it, it can be really hard to be dealing with our own discontent right now and dealing with a partner. And so I think that this is the time that we can all, so that's why I think a lot of relationships

aren't making it right now, but maybe you are making it it but you're trying to figure out how to make it work. And so I think that. Doing some of this work and saying like, is this person someone I can be with because like, if you're not getting your needs met like let's say you're with someone who is super perfectionist going back to this study it says that people who are super partner oriented perfection, meaning they want you to be perfect. They never do anything wrong. It's always your fault. There's not time for you. There are standards are really high. They always deflect, deflect, deflect. It's always your fault. I mean, how much longer are you going to stay in a relationship that doesn't make you feel great? I think those are the questions you have to ask yourself. How long are you willing to stay in a relationship that feels this way? And I'm not saying you should just walk out the door with somebody and say, oh, I'm Don, you know,

Emily said, this shouldn't work, and I should leave. No, this is the time where you're like, this has been going on for a few months, a few years. I don't wanna go another day, feeling that my needs aren't being met, that I'm not being heard, that someone's treating me poorly. And if that's the case, then you decide today, today is the day, that I'm going to do one thing different.

I'm going to tell my partner in a loving way, like I always talk about in the show, in a curious way, in an open way, say, what do you think we could do? I feel there's been a lot of tension. Perhaps we should see a therapist. You know how I feel about therapy. I think that every couple, especially if you've gotten to this point where you're driving to the insane or just, you're fed up with something that's happening.

I think that therapy is probably the only way you're gonna know, is this person right for me? Is this person wrong for me? We often think that we're gonna change the person, right? Like you can change someone. Well, my partner's emotionally unavailable, but they're gonna change their behavior. They're gonna become aware of it.

I'm gonna be the one they open up to because I saw it that one time, or they were really open the first two weeks of our relationship, or I heard they were open in their last relationship. But remember this, that people don't change unless they want to change. Like, if someone does not change in three years and they're not interested in either talking about the problems in their relationship, they're not interested even admitting there's

a problem or seeing their part in it. Like, how much longer are you going to wait? I remember this woman was like 39 and she, she wanted kids, but they couldn't even agree upon like how to train the dog. They couldn't agree upon, you know, if you should get a job or not. It was just, it's just, we're constantly, I guess that's why I'm here to help you all kind of figure your way. Like, what is this?

Because you also realize that life is short. Life is short. Especially now you realize what's important to me, what isn't important to me? Who do I value? Do I wanna keep going in this place? So I'm just saying, if you're in a place that is unhealthy right now, what are you gonna do to fix it?

I'm just wondering like how much longer you gonna stay in a place that doesn't serve you. And also though, are you in a place where you're expecting it that your partner's perfect, like you are this perfect, maybe you're the person who consul is blaming your partner for not being perfect, but maybe your partner's doing that to you.

I just think that wherever we are at before this whole COVID thing that maybe we're still, you know, it seems to become more exasperated. I think that COVID makes it like how you do COVID. I was saying the beginning is how you do everything. It's more like whatever problems we had early on, it might even be blown up right now. Let's talk to Darryl 60.

His relationship needs aren't being met. What's going on Darryl? I was just listening to the show I was driving and I'm listening to what you was saying and it just really get time like a while that's me and what I'm listening to what you were saying and it just really, I'm like, wow, that's me and what I'm going through a lot of details. I mean, there's a lot of things, you know, like communication just kind of went sideways. I mean, when we try to talk, she'll send what she has to say and that's it.

She doesn't want to end this, it's always confrontational. And there's things that that I guess the biggest interest because we've been dating, we were engaged and we were dating, we were still dating. But she asked me, I guess, right before years ago, what if essentially that you miss or that you like? And I told her, I really like this when you do this, this, then the other. And she stopped and I'm like okay so it's like so why did you ask me if you were in a lot of things that

it's like if she finds out I don't like something she has in it so she was not to do it and you know and I'm listening to everything and there's a lot of stuff going on and one thing you said about break Crop and I'm sitting here and I'm just shaking my head like wow because we've been going through something and she gave me this real nice Heart-filled card and I'm like wow, that's what I've been waiting on that's kind of what I've been wanting to hear and then it's like You know, it's kind of like no follow up. Yes. She's just doing enough to keep you. How long have you been together, Darryl? We've been together about eight years. Okay.

We got engaged in our really love. We went through our little, you know, I tried therapy. And it was, it seemed to be kind of all about me my show of comments and everything and so I can't look back for it but huh? Yeah this is what I'm talking about it's all about you okay keep going yeah yeah it's all about her and another thing I asked her and this is another thing to kind of got me one day for Swedish day I asked I don't want anything for Swedish day. I want you to write me a letter and tell me how you feel about me. Because I'm always giving her cards just because I was like that. I want you to sit down and write a letter from your heart and tell me how you

feel about me to this day. I've never gotten a letter. But when we were going to therapy, I was doing something in our room and she told me a little something. I found the notebook and I kind of peed. And she was right. I didn't read all of it, but I read enough. And it would be interesting to me that you can't write a letter to me, but you can

sit down and write a letter about me. Okay. You know, what do you, yeah, I mean, so what do you need for her? Like, here's the thing, it's been eight years, Darryl, you're 60 years old. What do you need? Peace of mind and affection. That's it.

I mean, because if I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do, and you know, she'll say, she's happy and stuff like that, but she doesn't show it. You know, like I get dressed, the girl would work out and put some cologne on and she'll make a comment, well I don't want you smelling good or other women and stuff like that. But yeah, when I'm around you,

I get very little or any affection and different things. Yeah, you need words of affirmation or physical touch. Yeah, that's your love language. I can already tell you need words of affirmation and you need physical touch. And she's not giving you these essential things that you need and you don't feel love Exactly as far as the sex and everything if I don't It won't happen right It was never a problem with that but now if I don't

Emision it doesn't happen and it's like I'm just in nothing like you say it. What happened to therapy? The therapy, we were in a few times and there was some things that they pointed out that you know I just kind of see me doing I'm like okay I work on that I work on that. And then you know it got to be expensive and we had to stop working I was saying for it. And my man says that's a whole nervous talk I can talk about with another show. Okay, so you're paying for everything and you're not getting any of your basic needs met and it's all your fault and you actually are using the words that you are trying to make

change, you're trying to do something different and it, again, there's two sides every story, I'm not taking your side over your girlfriend's, I don't know her, I have a matter, but it sounds to me like you need to know that she is making efforts in some area and she's not just gaslighting you and saying it's all about you. Exactly, exactly. You know, because in the end of the day, I'm going to say, we got a big blow about two weeks ago and I'm like, you know, it would be nice if we could sit down and have a conversation and feel like, you know, okay, I hear you saying, and I was trying to work on that.

I hear what you said, but it's always, when I'm not doing this, then it's over. Well, it's been eight years, Darrell. It's been eight years, and I don't think that people change unless they make efforts towards changing, unless she says you're right, I'm gonna work on it. But she hasn't made any of these changes, and she wrote you one card.

And it's going to change? So, Deira, what do you want? What patterns are repeating for you? Have you find yourself settling in relationships that don't work for you? Was this something that was modeled in your home perhaps growing up where you're someone settled for something? Usually it goes back and back, but what do you want right now? What do you need?

Because people don't change your 60 out and how old she is, but we don't change that mind. Especially now. Like, you should have be with someone who appreciates you, who tells you you, you, you look sexy and they initiate and they make you feel good in these basic ways that you need. If I didn't have a part of the Gimme words of affirmation or touch me, I, I'd be out. So you knew what you need, Darryl.

I'm going to take a break, Darryl. What are you going to do in your relationship? What can you do tonight? That's different. I gotta take a break, Darryl. What are you gonna do in your relationship? What can you do tonight? That's different. The night I can start by saying you know this, what do I want, what do I need, and what can I do it?

Yeah, you could say we got to give us two months, and I'm gonna write down the state. These are the things that I need. Okay, Wednesday to her, like, you gotta stop. No one hears that, but we would say, I think we need to have an honest talk about our relationship. I want it to be healthy. It seems like it's been very contentious. I'm not getting my needs met.

You don't see it happy. And here's what needs to change. Otherwise, I think we both need to find partners that make us the most satisfied. Now, she starts yelling and screaming. Then you got to go back to therapy if you still want to make it work or you leave. Try to have a healthy conversation without blaming or shaming and putting anyone on the defensive. That's your assignment. Thanks, Darryl. Thanks for calling. Let love it. Stick around for more sex with Emily after the break.

That read this study about people who are perfectionists. They tend to be perfectionists with their partner. Like, your partner has to be perfect everything in those relationships don't work. But then I'm talking about toxic relationships. And then I woke up, I got this question on Instagram this morning. This is where I just was like, we got to talk about this tonight. I love when you guys send me questions. Sometimes I'm just like, this is just hits the spot.

She says, updating someone who hasn't dated 15 years after divorce. He said it was to focus on raising his daughter, who is now 20. My question is, how do you date someone who hasn't dated in that long and is pretty comfortable in his life? He tells me he's not boyfriend of material.

He's not looking for anything, but his actions tell me otherwise. I feel like he's worth sticking with the roller coaster, but how do I know when to listen to what he's saying versus actions, listening to the words, words versus actions, words versus actions? We're going to come back to that. We aren't great communicators with words. I'm 27 and he is 44. I mean, I was like, oh, wow. I think if she just went back and read this, she'd be like, whoa, these are not good sides because I'm ready to go, who cares? Listen, actions and words are important. I think they're both important. But where we get tripped up is if we only listen to the words, and we only listen to the actions, they all tell a story.

So he's actually telling you he's not aware from material, and he's not great with words. But his actions are telling you otherwise, are his actions that he wants to see you and have sex all the time, are his actions that he's maybe his breadcrumbing and he's calling you once a week for a date, but you want more, which you can't ask for more because he's told you he's maybe his breadcrumbing, and he's calling you once a week for a date, but you want more, which you can't ask for more, because he's told you he's unavailable. It's like, I'd love to see all these actions that he's doing.

Like, I'd love to know all the actions at this 44-year-old guy that's telling you he's not available, and you're 27. I wonder if you all the actions that are making you think that you should ride this roller coaster. I was riding this roller coaster. I was riding a roller coaster, reading this Instagram question this morning. I'm like, he's that boyfriend material.

I'm exhausted. He's that boyfriend material. He hasn't dated in 15 years, so he says his daughter's 20. So first off, it's not true. He's telling you he hasn't dated. It might be true that he hasn't dated, but for whatever reason, now he's in a pattern of not dating and isn't ready to date again. But it's like, when people show you

who they are, believe them, if someone is emotionally unavailable, there's probably something that's not available in you. Like, what part of you, 27 year old woman, Shinsair Ney, but what part of you, thinks that you deserve this or is interesting to you? Like we don't even realize sometimes that we get caught up in the role of coaster of a relationship.

If you're just kissing and making up or you're just like your relationship is built on these little carrots that your partner is like dropping for you along the way. First off, you don't deserve that behavior, but also what part of you think that you do deserve it, and how much longer you're going to stay in a relationship where you feel like somebody isn't present for you, isn't fulfilling your needs, isn't taking care of you, and it's kind of a waste of your time and energy. So also, I'm not saying that even age difference isn't great, right? You're 27, he's 44.

I mean, believe me, relationships work with age differences, but not as often as ones with fewer years of a difference. But like, if someone literally says to you, I don't want a relationship, you better believe, though, he is not boyfriend material. Like, which part of that didn't you understand? He says to you, I am not boyfriend material. And you're writing me, do you think I should wait for him to change his mind and become a boyfriend? And he's not a great communicator. So you think one day, it's like we think that one day they're going to wake up and be like, he's going to get on one knee, like, you know, a Cinderella and he's going to come up with the glass slipper.

He's like, I, you are the one. I am boy from material. That doesn't happen. But we're living off of these fantasies of what we think is going to happen. I mean, unless someone's actively working towards making a change, like he's like, you're right, I'm not way from material, but I'd like to get to be a boyfriend. I'd like to get to be to the place where I could be committed. But what he could say is, you know, but I have these kind of commitment issues and I realize

I haven't dated so long, so I fear of intimacy. Like, maybe you could say that, or I'm trying to figure it out because I'd like to one day be a boyfriend. Like maybe I could say, okay. But there's nothing, he's like, I am shut down for business. I am not your boyfriend. But I'll have sex with you.

My actions will show that. So, we all just gotta pay attention. I think I wanna circle back too, is that that everyone's asshole. Like he's on an asshole. I like this guy. He is telling you, he's telling you, I'm not available. To me, that's kind. But what is it in you that is sticking with people who aren't meeting your

needs? Why are we allowing ourselves to be in relationships? We're constantly trying to make them work. I'm just curious. You've got to do our own work because then that won't keep happening. Be the person you want to find. All right, I'm going to take a break. Don't go anywhere. We've got so much more to talk about after this break. Let's talk to John 53 in Connecticut. Hi John, thanks for calling and holding. What's going on?

Hi, how you doing Dr. Emily? I'm good John. What's up? Tell me everything. My wife and I have been married for 28 years. If I give a little emotional on, I'm not trying to be crush me. It's okay, I'm here for you John. Overall we have, I think, a healthy relationship. I mean, we don't argue Overall we have I think healthy relationship.

I mean we don't argue, we don't fight a lot. I mean we generally get along really well. When it comes to the bedroom, it's a different issue. We just celebrate our anniversary on the 21st of this month. So it's 28 years worse. She ended up taking a worship shift on our anniversary day. I was hoping to try and learn special for the day, but she ended up taking a shift.

So that kind of told me right off the bat that maybe it was gonna be a no celebration anniversary and with the COVID thing, everything's been messed up and we've been dizzy and I'm an essential worker myself and she is a nurse too, so we both have been dizzy. Yeah. So, that day she took a shift and I ended up doing yard work, someone and so forth. She came home that night and I was tired because I wasn't working out the yard all day long.

I took a shower and got cleaned up. I mean, I know you talked about something like this before, but I'm a celebration, anniversary blowjob type of person that I get one occasionally once a year and it's a student for a specialization be in the anniversary. So I was kind of expecting to be intimate with her and to do something like that. It didn't happen on the anniversary night, but the next morning I'm always the initiator when it comes to this stuff she never initiates. So when we start fooling around a little bit I get all and I completely take your effort which I've always done. I've always made sure her

needs are met you know when it comes to the law of making. I'm always on the top and taking a lift that type of thing. So I finished her off she orgatham and she the one and done type of person she doesn't really want to have multiple orgasms with this fine. I'm okay with that. Forge words out of her mouth after she orgasms was, okay, it's your turn, but let's hurry up and you need to help me because I'm not that good and as far as jerking me off or whatever.

And at the moment I was like, get ready to go. And I'm like, it didn't really stink in for me at the time. And then after the day, I was like, get ready to go. I'm like, it didn't really sink into me at the time. And then after the day, she ended up making plans to take my daughter or go visit my daughter at college. So the Saturday, which was after our anniversary, we couldn't do anything to shoot so often. They planned with my daughter. So I'm working around the yard again on Saturday

because we didn't do anywhere. And I'm thinking about what she said to me. And I'm just like, you know, that's pretty harsh. Yeah. I didn't talk to her about this yet because I'm still upset about it. And with our anniversary night, the morning of our anniversary night, she doesn't even really look me in the eyes when we're having sex. I know her libido low and I know she's always into it. And she's doing it for me. But the whole thing with the anniversary sex, I felt like it was just an obligation.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Have you felt like this before, John, or do you think this is just sort of like the like time when you're just like, I've done? We actually did go through counseling for about a year or a half. Okay. If she was for it originally, I am the one that initiated counseling. She was forward initially and then,

and I do have to say the counselor wasn't always on my side. She would, you know, take both sides out and she would, you know, one day I'd get you out of it. Yeah, there's always two. Yeah, there's two in every situation. I don't get it. Yeah, of course. But we've, there's two in every situation. I don't get it. Yeah, of course.

But we've done, because I only have a few moments, but let me. I'm popping. Of course not, don't, John. You sound like you have the empathic heart. You're carrying the heart in the relationship right now. You're the one who's kind of carrying this weight. I don't take size in the shot, really don't. Even though I sounded very angry early on the show.

I really don't. I was, we're all responsible. No, really. I was, I certainly, I was breaking up with someone angry. No, we all have to look at our own parts. I mean, essentially. So I get that, but I feel like 28 years a long time, that's such a, and I can see that you had a lot of expectations

around this anniversary because it's happened to pass. Maybe that makes sense. And that's okay to have expectations. And then on top of that, her comment, which it could just be like a throwaway comment. She was ready for the day. She wanted to get over with. And that is hurtful.

But she might not even remember. She said it. I would address this because it's a week later and it's still really upsetting you. And I would say to her, I really want to talk about our anniversary because it's been hurtful to me. I know I had these expectations

and I love oral sex and our anniversary. I expect it didn't happen. And I get that we're busy, but then the morning you made this comment and this is how it made me feel. It made me feel, how did it make you feel, John? The life where I won't like you, didn't want to be there.

Yeah, exactly. And you could say, was that your intention? So you could let her know you made a fit. And then maybe she was like, oh God, no, I was actually so stressed. And I love you, no, I want to make the 28 years, you're right. I'm sorry. Or she might say, well, I'm not good at it. And you always expect, because then you're going to find

something out, but you said that you don't argue. The first thing you said was, you led this conversation by saying it's 28 years and we never argue. I don't know that that's such a great thing. Like to me, couples who don't argue and don't have conflict have bigger problems than many of us. Because you've been together 20 years. It's time for some conflict. It's the non-confrontational type of person. I mean,

he tries to avoid controversy at all costs. Well, how's that going? I have to say that she's not an evil or spiteful person. I don't think she is. No, she's not. But like it also, so, Jen, I'm not vilifying your wife at all. I'm just saying that right now, you're craving some kind of intimate, you're craving your wife.

Like, I think you miss her and you want some love and attention and affection from her. And she's, you know, when you're not getting what you need and that's it. And that's, and that's a lot. So 28 years, I want you to be together for 28 more, but I feel like, and I don't mean you need conflict and I don't want you to fight. I hate conflicts. I'm so conflict avoidant. So I'm not even telling you, you got to get a fight.

I'm saying you could say to her, this is what I just feel lately. It's been hard and I need a little bit more love from you. I would love a hug. I'd love you to come home and tell me that you want to have sex with me and that you desire me. It just makes me feel less than, makes you feel less connected to you. And for our relationship to thrive, I kind of need some of this from you. What do you think about it?

What can we do? You know, could you have a conversation like that, John? That's it for today's episode. Thanks so much for listening to Sex with Emily. Learning about sexuality is a process, but we're all in this together. I'm always learning, aren't you? We're learning together.

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