Sex With Emily - It’s Okay to Be Kinky w/ Mistress Justine Cross

Episode Date: August 14, 2021

Do you want a little more kink in your life, but aren’t sure how to get started? If so...you’ll definitely want to tune into my interview with professional dominatrix & kink expert, Mistress Justine Cross. We discuss the myths and basics of BDSM starting with what the hell it even means (bondage, discipline, domination, submission, and masochism). We show you how to begin exploring your kinks even if you are brand new to the game and we discuss some of the most common fantasies.We also answer your questions about: techniques for restraining your partner (fun!), the importance of communicating your fantasies, and how to explore dom/sub dynamics.For more information about Justine Cross, visit: losangelesdominatrix.comFor even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Some people are totally new and that's fine. I do see new people all the time, but I always ask them, okay, well, but something made you want to contact me. Like, what was it? You know, yeah, so I'm very beautiful, but I don't think you wanted to just compliment me for an hour. You wanted me to do something with you. So like, what were you fantasizing about?

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubize they call them in a fight on days. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Abelie, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Question for you.

Have you ever dabbled in BDSM or just wanted to try a new kink, something new in the bedroom? Well today I'm joined by professional dominatrix and kink expert, Mistress Justine Cross. We discuss the myths and basics of BDSM, starting with what that actually means. How Kink and Shame has changed over time and breakdown how to explore some common fantasies right now in your relationship or with a partner. We also answer your questions, including, how to start exploring your kinks if you never have. Techniques for restraint play, ways to communicate a new kink to your partner, how to explore different DOM and sub-dynamics, and the best pet names to use during play.

Intentions with Emily, for each episode, join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it, I incurred you to do it. My intention was to bring you somebody who's an expert over 10 years experience. She works in a dungeon, she's worked with a lot of different genders, helping them really fulfill their fantasies. So I wanted you to get some advice to get you started.

Oh, also, it's super helpful if you please rate, review and subscribe to the podcast wherever you listen to the show. Check out our blog, our website. However you want to engage with the sex with Emily community, we love to hear from you. I love to hear from you. I love to get your questions. So easy ways to get your questions answered. Call my brand new hotline. It's 559 TalkSax or 559-825-5739. Just leave me your questions or message me sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily.

That's it, a care way to hear from you. Everybody enjoy this episode. Justine Cross has over 10 years of experience in the BDSM community as a lifestyle dominatrix consulted, as well as a consent, consent safe sex and kink expert She also owned a popular dungeon dungeon east here in Los Angeles. Let's just define BDSM. Yes, BDSM is an acronym and it stands for bondage discipline dominant submission Sato massacres open so, a lot of things in there,

and that four little letters. How do we break it all down? I mean, I think people, we mostly get bondage, right? And discipline could be verbal, right? Verbal discipline. What about the Sato masochism part? Sato masochism?

How do we explain that? Like, how does that manifest in like an act that you would perform? Well, a Sado is to someone derives pleasure from inflicting pain upon someone and a masochist is someone who derives pleasure from receiving that pain. I am a sadist. Yes, you can be a sadomastochist. So, you know, something like a sadist might like to do is whipping someone, caning them, doing something that's going to cause physical or emotional or financial pain than massacres.

Someone who is enjoying being spanked or whipped or being taken advantage of in some way. Studies have shown people in the pandemic were like, okay, we got to spice it out, we got to keep it interesting and God knows we all have time for conversations. So what happens when a new couple comes to see you? Like, what are you seeing right now? Yeah, I'm seeing a lot of newbies like Morse than I thought after being sort of shut down for seeing in-person clients for a year and a half. I thought, oh, all my regulars will come back.

I think all my regulars worked out like the shit in their marriage. And then like, all the newbies were like, wait, it's Archer now. So I don't know. But I travel a lot too. So I'm seeing a lot of couples come in, but I'm also seeing a lot of women come in, even though they might be in a relationship, they're coming in by themselves, solo. So that's really wonderful to see seeing more female clients. Most of my clients are men.

And I love being able to help guide people through this experience, like, you know, just doing basic BDSM 101 kind of things, but also just having them, you know, develop better conversational skills, which I'm sure things you've covered in your show before, like consent, negotiation, and boundaries, and all of those things are the tenets of good BDSM

that you can apply them to your vanilla sex life, vanilla sex life, eating things without BDSM or you know, you're completely platonic, non sex life, like negotiating stuff with coworkers or especially during this time where we're negotiating our boundaries of closeness and safety and things like that. I want to know what the men come in for, what the women come in for. I know it's like, we can't stereotype absurd case by case, but what are you seeing men for typically? Well, for me, as a professional dominatrix, I do quite a range of activities,

so I do, my no list is very short, so but everything else, I do a lot of these things where it's like I'm seeing someone for really light, sensual play, like Tickle Torture, Tees and Denial, to some pretty heavy corporal scenes or electro play and then kind of everything in between in terms of fetish, like foot fetish, leather, latex, financial domination,

things of that nature. And then to your other question about if men and women are coming in for different things, they're not really because they're coming in to see me and they've done their research and they see me as a quality person to entrust with their fantasies and we're just exploring different kinds of submission, you know, fantasies for them. Okay, so they all want to be pretty much submissive, right? If they're coming to see you. Yes.

How do they know, like, maybe you could walk me through, mean, you have dungeons now in LA? Yes, yes. Same as dungeon. They, like, feature it on shows and stuff, right? Yes. If you've seen anything in mainstream media in the last, like, five to 10 years, it was most likely at one of my two dungeons. I did close dungeon last last year because of the pandemic, but my dungeon, dungeon East and downtown LA is still around. We just did a lot of upgrades new photos soon,

but yeah, that's been a lot of different things. They go to your site or they go, they contact you through Instagram, but they come there and then do the form they fill out. Do you give them a questionnaire? How do they, how do you know what they want? Yeah, so there is a booking form on there and you fill out that booking form and it's, you know what they want? Yes, there is a booking form on there, and you fill out that booking form,

and it's confirming that you're fully vaccinated against COVID, and also just answering some basic questions. Like, what are your interests? How long have you been playing? Do you have any references? It's okay if you do not. And confirming that you are over 18, and that you have checked my no list,

and all of that kind of thing. So doing that leads out most people until sometimes they find out that I'm very expensive or they get intimidated for whatever reason. So based on that booking form, I decide if I want to see them or if I need more information. And then if if everything is greenlit, then we set up a time and place usually at my dungeon. Then we show up and have an amazing time doing all the things that we talked about. Wow. I think BDSM came to the forefront with 50 shades of gray.

Then everyone assumes that they have to be like Christian gray. They have to have a whole red room of pain. It's always about pain and whips and spaking. It can be so many things. It could be just spanked. It could be that you just want to be dominated verbally. So could you walk me through maybe is there a session where that's a more typical session?

Yeah, I mean, definitely I agree with you. 50 Shades of Grey kind of brought this out to like moms of the Midwest and be closer. But we should never be like Christian Grey. We should never be abusive and we should never be billionaires. Like that just shouldn't be a thing. No, there is no billionaires. So my hard limits.

So there are no typical sessions, but a fairly standard session that I'm doing is when someone comes into the room, things that we've already negotiated before they've come into the dungeon. I might put a collar on them. I'll walk them over to my mirror. I like to start sessions with them on their knees, if their body is able to do that. I have them look at me and give me three compliments, and they have to be three compliments I haven't yet heard today.

Then we'll start the session. I will typically put people up on the San Andrews Cross first, which is that big X. So doing things to their body because I have access to it, I can tie them to it, facing out, or facing away from me depending on what we're doing. I might put them on the spanking horse to do more impact play. I might put them on the bondage bed. I might have them on the floor. Like if it's a foot worship session, so they might just be on the floor the whole time. So these are, you know, people kind of working out different kinks or fetishes.

And when you said that I can't help, I can't skip over this part when you said, well, it looks like a lot of my clients got their marriages together and didn't come in. Is it the kind of thing where people come in, like on their own, when they're going through something and a marriage or couples come in together? Because I know some married men who go and they're like, it's secret. What do you see in your practice? Yeah, I mean, it's interesting because it's only what they tell me and I'm only getting one side of the story.

Of course. You know, it's just, I was seeing a couple of people right before lockdown. One was a couple and they saw pronouns together all the time anyway. I just haven't heard from them and I had another person who was like, really great. And I think he's just worked things out with his partner and he could go to cake it away. It's like when you're logged out, you can't speak out. So I don't know.

I mean, I think that it's interesting because I'm a professional that also has studio spaces that I rent out to people. I've had a lot of clients, so I've seen one-on-one. And then they come in with their partner to rent this space. And sometimes I'm there with them to do a couple sessions. And sometimes they're doing it with themselves. And I I hope that a lot of what I do in a session with someone is not just like having the best time ever, but also giving them the tools and confidence to understand that, you know, their kink and BDSM is a part of them. And it's okay. It is okay to be kinky. We have so much, you know, sex shaming and thus, kink shaming in our society. So I hope people are getting more comfortable with these things.

Yeah, I hope so too. I always say, people, what's kink? I'm like, okay, basically it's if you're not at anything but missionary. It's essentially kinky in this world. And I just want people to feel safe. I mean, this is so many people feel that they're bored with their sex lives. They don't spice it up. And I always decide he's moving in that direction,

maybe to be less shameful, but I mean, it also could be good. I'm in this world. I would love to see more people just opening up. Like, is there a process that you see people go through or things that they're kind of craving to get by the experience with you, like psychologically, emotionally, sexually. Yeah, I think people just really want to be understood.

I mean, it's so simple. It's not even about a lot of bells and whistles and stuff. It's really just about being understood. And it takes a lot of guts for someone to tell someone else their fantasy who's pretty much a stranger. And walking into a dungeon and like, you know, kind of a sketchy place and you're like, I don't know what I'm getting me get telling this person my fantasy is going to be okay.

And I think so. She has good reviews. And so that takes a lot. You know, the fact that sex work is the oldest profession and well, there's a reason why it's like, this is a very, very innate human need. And it's something that needs to get fulfilled. And if we can't find a partner or if our partner doesn't understand us in the way that we crave and we want,

we're going to, of course, hire a professional, hopefully. Yes. Yeah. So they come into you because they feel they have a sense. Like I'm assuming that many of your clients have never been to a dungeon before. But from going to your site on the forum, they see what your experience, who your reference is, what if they don't know what

their interest is? Like, they might not know all the things, right? And then you have a call with them. They might know spanking or being tied up. Or do they just kind of list whatever? Some people are totally new. And that's fine. I do see new people all the time, but I always ask them, okay, well, but something made you want to contact me. Like, what was it? You know, yeah, so I'm very beautiful, but I don't think you wanted to just compliment me for an hour. You wanted me to do something with you. So like, what were you fantasizing about? Like, what kind of porn are you watching? What was the thing that made you decide I want to see this nominate tricks?

But it's okay. That's a great question. Yeah, it's okay if someone says, you know what, I think this is what I like, but I haven't done it, so I don't know. So then I always say, I'm like, okay, we're gonna do you kind of like an omakase of we're gonna try a bunch of different things

that are just kind of like the standards, like, okay, we'll put you on a collar, we'll tie you up, we'll try spanking you, we'll do these different kinds of things. And if you like a certain kind of thing, we, like, okay, we'll put you in a collar, we'll tie you up, we'll try spanking you, we'll do these different kinds of things. And if you like a certain kind of thing, we'll keep doing that thing. And if you say, oh, I don't like that thing, mercy. Okay, then we won't do that thing anymore. And just kind of lightly playing.

And I won't do really heavy stuff with someone who's new or new to me because that's not where we want to go. It's also sort of a wanting more thing too. But that's interesting. So in the moment, so I'm assuming you establish safe words with people. Yes. You said mercy. But we have some Instagram questions that came in because we let people know you're coming on and someone said, you don't know what you don't know. How can you explore your kinks if you haven't before? Like they have to say so present too. It's be like, oh, I like this. I don't like that. So you're kind of creating it as you go along. Is that what it is? They're just sort of exploring.

Yeah, I mean, they're giving me a script and I'm the director. So I'm really understanding people's reactions and looking for like, you know, micro expressions and things 99% of the time, the people that come in and say, I want this fantasy or I have this fantasy, that's the fantasy they want. And I give it to them and they're fine. It's very few people say, I want this thing and then we do it and they're like, I don't know. But it does happen once in a while,

but you're not gonna know until you try it. I mean, that's what I figure. If they're coming to you, they've done the research, they know what they want, and then they get to actually live it out. Like, how amazing for so many people who just have this fantasy for so long? And then they get to see you it out like how amazing for so many people who just have this fantasy for so long and then they get to see you and you're actually making it come true. We're going to take a quick break to

hear from our sponsors who help keep this show free. When we come back I asked Justine how orgasm factors into her sessions. How does sex work into this? Like actual like ejaculation or orgasm? What are the limits there? Well I'm not having sex with my clients in the sense of like I am not naked during session. I don't do anything that ends in job for me. That those are my boundaries and my limits. Generally, it does end in orgasm,

but usually it's because the client is doing something to themselves or maybe all hold a vibrator on their genitalia, and that's it. But it doesn't have to end that way, especially if we're doing things like orgasm control or denial and things like that, but post orgasm torture is really fun,

and I love doing that, so it's important that they come. Talk but post orgasm torture is really fun and I love doing that. So it's important that they come. Talk about post orgasm torture, please. Well, generally, you know, everything sounds like such a great deal until you come, you're super hot, you're into everything. You're like, more, more, more pain, deeper, harder, faster, all the things. And then you come and then you're like, oh, that was great.

Okay, I'm done. Who is this? Where are we? Who is that lady? Why am I wearing a dress? What's going on? Why do you have that cattle prod here? So then afterwards, you can do more of the body and it's like very painful. So it's like, after someone comes all those endorphins

of just, you know, you flooded your body, released. But now everything is so much more painful. Wow. Where I can do post orgasm torture to either your organ that has just orgasmed and it is extremely sensitive or just your body in general. You're in like a different game after that. After that orgasm, your body is like, wait, what do you do in those? So, and that it's more painful if you're doing things like corporal punishment to the body or electrophilic. They definitely need to say for it for that. Now, what about orgasm denial?

I think that's really, really hot. I think a lot of, I talk about it on my show a little bit, kind of like edging, but with power play. So how would you block me through orgasm denial? And maybe you could share how people could do it at home. If they can't come see you. Yeah, orgasm denial, which is, I mean, just that. You are not getting to come.

I love doing it through chastity training, so which works better with external genitalia, doing it through Chastity training, which works better with external genitalia because there's Chastity devices. So you just don't get to come. For however long, we decide. And I particularly love doing that with men and having Chastity and getting the behavior so much better in Chastity. It's much better. Tell me about that because we have a question about how do i talk to my girlfriend about locking me in a chastity cage is one of our question break that down for me what it is with the cages and how it works it because you

might send them home and still work with them on their home right yeah if you just look at the chastity cage there's a lot of different varieties but basically it's it is like a cage metal or plastic or you know rubber that is going around your cock and balls. So if you try to get a direction, you cannot because it is stuck in this little cage. So you can have serialized locks or, you know,

metal locks and stuff. I don't recommend going through security with it. People do, you can. I would not. I thought that would be a disaster. Yeah, you can, I would not. I'm not that big. Yeah, TSA is not like fun. The uniform is not cute. Anyway, so to the question about how do I talk to my girlfriend about locking me up, I don't know if there's any DDSM or anything like that involved in their lives to begin with, but any kind of

conversation like this, I always recommend, like don't do it, like while you're passing each other by on the way to get some almond milk, like don't do that, sit down, have a face to face, or even like have a pre-conversation, schedule that conversation, and say, hey, I want to talk to you about something fun I want to do in bed, like once a good time to discuss that with you, you want to have this face to face orface or FaceTime as much as you can because you want to preface it that way. Okay. Well, a similar question to that is, how and when can you introduce your kinks with a new

partner? The fear being rejected is very present. So how do you train couples that sound like people sometimes come to you to kind of learn what to say, but what do you think about that introducing it to your partner and that fear? Yeah, I totally understand. I mean, it's very difficult because there's still a lot of sex shaming that happens and also kink shaming.

And I really feel for people because a lot of my clients are men, so they don't get to really come out and have their submissive fantasies, and a lot of women have a hard time accessing the part of themselves that can be dominant, because we're constantly told as women, if we put this on a binary, of course, to not be dominant, that the nail that sticks up gets hammered down, and we see that time and time again, and it's really sad and unfortunate that we're in 2021, these are still the unfortunate stereotypes and dynamics that I play through society. So, yeah, the fear is real, and I understand, and I mean, I haven't been on the open dating

market over 10 years, so I'm different, and I have all these people to play with and stuff, so I can only imagine. But what I always tell people is like, the more you put out there, what it is that you want in a partner, a person that you wanna have a sexual relationship with, the more likely you are to get it and find those people on dating profiles, I tell people, well, it's like sort of, if you're really an abdsm, mention abdsm.

And I was just talking to a friend who's like, dating right now and I said, well, it looks like you want this, this, mention BDS of. And I was just talking to a friend who's like dating right now and I said, well, it looks like you want this, this, and this. So do you have that underdating profile? No, no, I can never put that. I'm like, well, then how do you expect to get it? Like, exactly.

We need to lead with sex stuff because then you're going to get in a relationship with someone and you'll be months, weeks, or God knows, married to this person, years in. And then you're like, well, they don't do this, they don't do that, they're not going to, they won't expand their repertoire. It's like, can we all cover that early on? Like, let's cover it on the, when you start having sex or on the first date, like, that's how you be stopped the shame.

People are just really honest about it. And then you find your partners, you know, you get to weed them out. So someone else asked, how could I find out if a partner was kinky without hooking up with them? I think you just have these, don't I think we just got to normalize these conversations. Just ask them. You know, I just did a private bachelor at part year of the weekend was like BDSM 101 and I said, just please talk to your partner is about like what it is you want to do and maybe they'll do it or maybe not or maybe you can find it with someone else. But if you don't talk about these things,

what's going to happen is that guy becomes my client. And then they were like, whoa, you know, and then that like really like, you know, I mean, it was like a weird joking, it was like all super fun and games and everything, but it's like the mental gymnastics that I hear some of my clients going through, and I'm like asking them,

I'm like, well, how long have you been married two years? Well, how long have you known you've been kinky? Oh, 10 years. Well, did you tell you told your partner you're a kinky? No, I could never do that. And I'm like, then this isn't your partner. This is someone you just share, like, a condo with. Yeah, I think you just need to ask, just say, hey, again, I want to talk to you about like fun stuff I want to do in the bedroom. One's a good time to do that. I'm really kinky. If that's really important to you, please talk to your partner about it. People can find each other and date people you like.

They people you like, date people you want to have sex with. If you want to have sex, if sex is important to you. On the other side of that, if sex is not important to you, please find someone who also feels the same way about sex. Please save yourself a lot of pain and suffering. I mean, I'm always saying like if you listen to this podcast or you're interested in kink, it's like find someone who has that mindset or has a growth mindset around sex. Maybe they haven't been kinky yet, but they're open to hearing what you have to say and exploring. Because another question is, how can I have

an open conversation with my partner about what I want to try? And I think that these are all the questions that I'm very similar, because it's like, how do I do it, what do I say? So how would you like advise someone that can't make it mean so many things? Is there a beginner like BDSM night that you would teach you a couple

to kind of dip their toe in? Yeah, I do have a BDSM 101 class. I'm actually gonna be posting it today that is online. So that's like a good kicking off point. And I also have like some free worksheets that one is a kink negotiation worksheet. That's free on my website. And it's just one page.

And you can just like fill it out on your own with your partner or whatever. And it's like, how do I want to feel? What do I want to be called? What does kink mean to me? What do I get out of it? What are things that we do I want to feel? What do I want to be called? What does kink mean to me? What do I get out of it? What are things that we don't want to do? And it negotiates the whole thing for you

in a very thorough but also very concise way. So that's a really good place to start. I mean, I get it. It's so hard to have these conversations, but it's better to have these conversations earlier with people than later, especially if it's something really important to you. I get that sometimes, especially in the last year,

we haven't even understood some things that were important to us until recently where there were so many conversations thankfully happening for the first time, not just about sexuality, but it's like we didn't know, we had to discuss these things that are important and it's important to have someone who is your partner that shares your life values And I understand that it's been a very difficult time recently that you might have just recently discovered that this person you thought Chared your life values over things you might not have discussed doesn't and you know There's only so much conversation you can have to try to change someone in certain ways like you

You might not be able to convince someone to be not racist or to be kinky. And that's important information to have if those things are important to you. Absolutely. Have you seen people evolve? People were like, nope. And then they come into see you or as a couple and they're like, oh, it's not what I thought. What do you think that range is?

Yeah, I do think people can come in and understand it. It comes to being seen and to have me who, I fit a certain kind of stereotype, you know, where I am like this tall, skinny, good looking white lady who looks very basic and is pretty and is out doing fancy things. And it's like, if I'm telling you that it's okay, that it's like different than if your friend tells you.

It's like it's a different sort of weight to that. And just doing a lot more mainstream things that of King, I mean again, it just, and I'm sure this is something you've covered, but it just comes from the lack of awareness and even just basic sex education and how we talk about consent and boundaries and negotiation. So then when we, how do we learn about BDSM?

We're going to learn about BDSM through friends, adults, depictions and mainstream media porn. There aren't a lot of mainstream media in for BDSM, but there is. It's really not. Yeah. Right. Would you, where would you send people? I know that you read a lot of books start. I mean, I was listening to some of your interviews and you kind but there is really not yeah right would you to where would you send people i know that you read a lot of books start i mean i was listening to your interviews and you kind of had some books that were pivotal for you but are there any like places you would tell people go today besides your website you know we make fun of fifty shades a lot and it deserves to be but the actually the second fifty shades of gray movie like fifty 50 shades darker, that was actually really good. And that did talk a lot about boundaries and safe things and talked about like the sexually exploited relationship that like the Mrs. Robinson character had. I haven't watched billionaires,

but a lot of people tell me that the depiction of the dominatrix on that show is really good. Go to my IMDB profile and anything that I've done mainstream, they did a good job. Yeah. There really just isn't a ton out there right now. Yeah, that's true. What do we get wrong about it? What's the stereotype that we get wrong about BDSM? I think that it, as you said earlier, that it's all about pain, about fancy costumes, about

fancy toys. And it totally is. Like, I love having all my fancy costumes and toys and I mean I had you Well, I'm in my dungeon now. I'm in my home dungeon, and I have another dungeon So I want to go to your dungeon. You guys are going to be done while we're having like some stuff in person soon I'll send you an invite to I want to come to your yes Come into your dungeon. I mean

BDSM is so cerebral like I always say like I can do an Entire session with you just my pinky. Well, maybe not this pinky finger because it just got like that bee sting, but this pinky finger is so I can do it. I can do it all. Because it's so psychological. It's so about the cadence and the pacing out of my scene and what I'm doing with you that I love doing it with my fancy toys and clothes and dungeon, but I have also done scenes with none of that. And they've been incredibly powerful and amazing for people because it's about, it's so much about your mind and body experience and what you're willing

to open up to me and what you're willing or able to give. And the more you can do that, the deeper we can go together. Wow. The thing I like about BDSM and PowerPlay is that, especially for people whose mind wanders during sex or their anxious or their head and worried what their partner thinks, are am I going to come and am I not going to come? Or do I look, how do I look? If you're engaging in that kind of connection with someone, like someone would do for you in a session or with their partner, it's really deep intimacy. Your mind can't wander to things. You'll be very present. You can go deeper in that way and be vulnerable. After the break, I asked Justine more of

your Instagram questions like, how hard can you go with ballblusting and so much more? Are there any scenarios that you think in the moment that they've decided they've done your paperwork, they went to your site, they filled it out, and then is there a starting scenario? There just isn't, because I have no idea what these people want. It's a fair question everyone's asking like well what is like your standard session okay I can kind of walk you through one but I really don't do the same session twice unless it's a client who really just wants that same session over and over again it is so different with what I

want to do what they want to do like the energy that I'm feeling from that situation you know I'm trying to stick to the flight plan, but sometimes I have to go off-map, you know, with their consent, of course, so I'm not doing anything unconsensually, but it's really just about understanding what each other wants and trying to figure out a middle road to give that to each other.

If you're in a good, loving, caring relationship, or at least in maybe a momentary relationship, do you have a fun time together? So do you find that there's a lot of people who can play or have their BDSM or their play partners, but they're not necessarily their committed partners or their sexual partners? Do you see that a lot that people,

like, well, my partner's not into it, but I'm gonna go play somewhere else. Especially if they let their partner know, which I think that would be the healthiest scenario. I would hope so. Yeah, but then there's that little kink shaming thing we talked about earlier. Yeah, I mean, I definitely have play partners

that are not my partner that I live with, and seeing people at parties and events and stuff. I think that you can do that. I mean, that's like the wonderful thing about, the kinky, poly-VDSM world is that you can really negotiate something that you want from someone else and have really clear boundaries. I mean, nothing is perfect. Like, people fall in love with their fuck-buddy or their play-butter and things happen, of course, but like-

All the time. That can happen, whether you're monogamous also. So it does it, like, that's a terrible argument. But I think this is like a wonderful way to get different things that you want if maybe your your nesting partner isn't the person who can give those things to you. Yeah, your nesting partner. I'd love to see a world where people are nesting and with the partner that shares their kinks and their fetishes and all the things. I mean, it's more kink. I mean, people I often explain the different to you in fetishes in kink, but food fetishes still, I would say it's one of the top fetishes, right? Would you say the most common?

Yeah, of course. And I think you're asking like how long or something more about like how long have people been kinky with like Freud and stuff. It's like, well, forever, forever. There are cave painting drawings, like depicting scenes of, you, forever. There are cave-painting drawings, like depicting scenes of, you know, sadomasochism, and we've always had a foot fetish because we've had feet forever, you know? So something like a latex fetish is fairly new because latex as a garment is newer compared to, you know,

feet latex new, foot old. So, yeah. Okay. Someone says, how safe is ball busting? How hard can they be hit? I've heard my foot on ball busting and they're fine. Yeah. I haven't broken my foot, but I've definitely yeah. Okay. They can withstand a lot. They can withstand a ton of the human body is pretty resilient. You

know, I got to tell you. Yeah. Yeah. That's amazing. How do you ball bust? Like, what does that look like when you do ball busting? How do you do that in a session? Well, it depends. Well, I'll have them standing usually, well, depending on how much we're doing.

This is what, well, I'll have them standing. I might tie the cock out of the way, and then I'm kicking them in the balls, or have them hold their cock. I mean, I can also do that on the floor and have them spread their legs and kick them. I have this really cool bondage bed. It's not here right now because it's getting out for repair, but my bondage bed is this really amazing custom bed by downtown Willie.

And it has like holes in the middle of it that has like I can put my foot in. So I can put my foot down in the middle of this cage while someone's lying on the flat inside the cage and caked them that way. So that's really fun. And that will soon be a dungeon east. I cannot wait. Oh my god.

And you wearing shoes like you have heels on or something. Yeah, I'm usually wearing shoes. Some people want like barefoot because then it's not as hard. But I'd rather like have something protecting my feet because you can break your foot. I mean, your foot has a lot of really tiny bones in it and you can hurt yourself.

So I usually don't do that barefoot just to protect myself. I'm usually wearing a boot or something, but I might not kick them as hard that just seems intimidating. But I just, yeah, I don't wanna hurt my foot. Okay, that makes sense. How did you know you were dominant? I think I just yeah I don't want to hurt my foot. Okay that makes sense. How did you know you were

dominant? I think I just always knew like I always say my friends in high school gave me this book. I was a teenage dominatrix by Shana Kenney which is autobiographical and it's about her have you read it? Yeah I have it yeah. Yeah okay so it's like about her journey is being a dom but it's really about her journey of like trying to leave the working class and be middle class. And how do you do that? Oh, through sex work. Okay, that's great. Um, you know, I wasn't raised in a, in a house where, um, women were put down or

demeaned and my family's fairly progressive. So there was no like shaming of like a body or, you know, things like I identify as queer. I didn't have a coming out, but there was no shunning of like a body or you know things like I identify as queer I didn't have a coming out but there was no shunning of like the queer just you know the queer meaning. So I think that's it just makes things like normalized for me and it's like we were taught you mentioned earlier about like how do we untangle like our childhood trauma. Well as long as you were a child that's how long so. But there is no trauma of being less than as a female or raised really religiously or something where. So it turns you on then to be dominant. This is here's an Instagram question.

Any suggestions for honorific pet names that aren't daddy seems uncomfortable or sir to formal? There are so many. I mean, just go on FetLife and there's like a thousand Daddy seems uncomfortable or sir to formal. There are so many, I mean, just go on Fettlife and there's like a thousand that you can find. You can probably do a Google search and find different honorifics that work for you. I mean, there's gender neutral ones now. You can use mix or a mixtrous.

Yeah, sir and daddy can have negative connotations that I completely understand. Yeah. There's just so many to just find and making up ones, mixes, not like a made-up word, but like a newer word that we've created to, because people didn't master, like masters and master enslaved, like these don't have, like necessarily great connotations. Oh, you know, and I try to not use them as much, but also in the BDSM community,

like I'm only thinking of them in the BDSM, you know, so yeah, I would just like do Google search or look on Fetley for different honorifics that resonate with you. And it's important to find one that feels good for you. Yeah, right. Exactly. You get to get up and you just,

as you're talking, I'm thinking about play and make believe in more little and playing games. I did that for hours with my friends in my room. And we get away from play as we get older. And there's so much like responsibilities in life and work. But what we're really talking about is play. And I think it doesn't have to be so dangerous and so scary to kind of open up and how fun to find the names that

feel good to you and to just play, play with your partner and see what happens. Like that's how you're gonna keep thriving in your sex life and you're gonna keep it interesting. So just in talking to you, I'm like, how fun? Like Google it, see what resonates for you. What are some ideas to explore with a female, dumb, and male sub-dynamic?

Okay, well, this is what you do. So... All of them, anything. What do you want to do? Ask each other. Find out what you want to do. Do those things. Find out what you don't want to do. And don't do those things. I know this is so simple, but you be so surprised we're not doing this. And yeah, really exploring what it is you want to do, finding that play, making sure that it's within everyone's boundaries and everyone's getting full consent for this and you have fully negotiated this out before you start playing. Yeah, and the talk can be fun. So I'm going to give this our last question from the listeners.

What are the best ways to restrain and tie up your partner other than four bed corners? I mean, so many ways, like a coffee table, my dungeon. You know, Ive also put in an Ive in different places. I've seen a lot of interesting hotel room bondage. You can get, it's a little bit of a pain in the ass and loads. You have it set up always, but like underneath the bed restraint systems. I have them in my bed. They're awesome. I have the sport sheets restraints and I love them. And you can get them at good vibrations. The link will be in the show notes. Yeah, I know I won my sport sheets.

Honestly, I find it easier to just put in discrete I, well, I mean, I have a dungeon also. I'm like, you know, I have a dungeon. I have a dungeon, but you know, I have this like amazing bed by my friend who makes this a company called It's Not Trash. And she just like goes and dumps her dives and makes like these amazing beds. And she's like, I put in so many eyeballs to beds

because of you. Because like this bed will not break. And you know, Oh, cool. Yeah, doing things like that. There's also like over the door restraint systems. You just want to make sure that whatever you're tying someone to is sturdy.

It's not going to fall over. It's not going to hurt them. That's good, you can tie them to themselves. You can do hog ties, you can really simple risk cuffs, ankle cuffs, tying them to the outside in a little hunched over crowd position. That's really good and pretty simple to do with just clips. Good tips there, thank you so much. I'm going to ask you the five quicky questions we ask all of our guests. That's really good and pretty simple to do with just clips. Yeah. All right. Good tips there.

Thank you so much. I'm going to ask you the five quicky questions we ask all of our guests. Okay. They're quick, ready? What's your biggest turn on? Oh, my girlfriend. What's your biggest turn off? Stupid people.

What makes good sex? Talking beforehand about what you want to do and getting in. Something you tell your younger self about sex and relationships. You're doing everything right and it's just going to keep getting better and better the longer you keep going. What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex? It's really amazing and it's not that scary and just talk to your partner about what it is you want to do and what it is that you don't like to have honestly amazing sex every single time. Yeah. So true. Justine Cross, thank you so much for being here.

Tell me how we can find you and what you have going on, all the things they can join. Yes. Thank you. I think you're having me, Emily. Yes. You can find me on my website, which is loss Angeles Dominatrix.com. You can find me on Instagram as the Justine Cross, as well as Twitter for Justine Place. But please don't DM me there for business inquiries.

It is not, Instagram is not a safe space for amazing people such as myself. So please always go to my website, or you can always email me some things that we have coming up. We're going to be continuing doing online classes like a BDSM 101 class as well as we're moving carefully into in-person events at Dungeon East. So we're going to have some classes coming up as well as play parties like BDS FEMM which is a play party for cis and trans women only. So check that out. But again, just always look at my website

Los Angeles Dominatrix.com. My website for Dungeon East is dtla Dungeon.com and that is a very fun place to have sex or do you be DSM? Oh, fun. I love it. Okay, everyone's checked that out. We'll put that in the show notes as well. Thank you so much for being here. Great. Thank you. Well, thank you so much for being here. Great, thank you. Thank you. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review

where every listener podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this, they will too. We released two to three episodes a week. Find me an Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all at Sex with Emily. If you want to ask me a question about sex dating or relationships,

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