Sex With Emily - Keep the Honeymoon Going

Episode Date: September 24, 2024

Ahh, the honeymoon phase. You know that euphoric period of time at the beginning of a relationship where your partner seems perfect and you can’t keep your hands off one another? Fast forward a few months (or sometimes years) and that initial spark begins to fade and those feel-good chemicals start to wear off. What then? Today, I share why the honeymoon phase is so intoxicating, why our feelings change over time, and how to strengthen your relationship so that it survives the initial fading of happy hormones.  I answer your questions about what to do when your partner asks you to be in a threesome but it’s not your fantasy, how to communicate to your partner that their Instagram habits make you uncomfortable, and what to do when you feel like you have become more friends than lovers with your significant other. In this episode, you’ll learn: How to navigate conversations about spicing up your relationship Understanding boundaries around threesomes How to handle narcissistic tendencies in relationships Show Notes: Join the SmartSX Membership: Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. Yes! No! Maybe? List & Other Sex With Emily Guides: Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides.  SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure This episode is brought to you by: Promescent(Visit the link for 15% off, or go to promescent.com/emily) Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website  Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok | Threads | YouTube Let’s text: Sign up here Want me to slide into your email inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com

I used to think when I stop wanting to have sex with my partners frequently while their relationship is doomed I should probably end this relationship. I didn't realize then that, you know, it takes work and we have to start communicating and really get to know each other. You're not gonna ever get back to the honeymoon phase, but you have something deeper, more intimate. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

Ah, the honeymoon phase. You know that euphoric period, the beginning of the relationship, where you're having sex three times a day, and everything seems perfect. Well, after a few months, the spark fades, and then what do you do? Well, today I share why the honeymoon phase

is so intoxicating, why our feelings might change over time, and most importantly, how to strengthen your relationship so that it survives the initial fading of happy hormones. I also answer your questions about what to do when your partner asks you to be more romantic, how to communicate to your partner that their Instagram habits are making you uncomfortable, and what to do if you partner asks you to be more romantic, how to communicate to your partner that their Instagram habits are making you uncomfortable, and what to do if you feel your fantasies

are different from your partner's. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. It helps get the show out to more people and it just takes you a few seconds to do it. You can just do it right now. Look at your phone, look at your app that you're listening to this on and review us.

We so appreciate it. You can also find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, Orax, and Facebook, all the places. It's all at Sex With Emily. My new articles, I asked my mom five things about her sex, sexuality, and aging, and here's what she said. And eight most common sexual struggles for couples and how to solve them are both up on sexwithemily.com.

All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. Did you know that your gut health directly impacts your sexual wellness? It's true. So if you're wondering why you're not in the mood or have no energy for your sex life, it might be time to examine your gut microbiome. Your gut can control everything from libido, arousal levels, energy level, mood, and of course bloat. I don't know about you but for me

personally when I'm bloated, my food's not digesting well, the last thing I want to do is have sex. Knowing the importance of gut health I've always tried my best when it comes to probiotics and in doing my research I'd find myself getting all these fancy probiotics but never noticing a big difference. That's until I met Just Thrive. I love getting to recommend products with all of you that I use in my everyday life. It just feels like I'm sharing with friends and you're my friends and I want to tell you all about my journey with Just Thrive probiotics.

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and get another for 50% off. Let's talk about your vagina for a second, shall we? You're gonna wanna hear this. Our vaginal health changes throughout our lifetime, whether we're postpartum, we just had a baby, peri-menopausal or menopause, all because of the loss of estrogen. So we experience more infections, itching, dryness,

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And no joke, all the women on the sex-women team are using V-Health right now, and they're blown away. The V-Health serum is a game changer for women's health, the first topical of its kind using targeted growth factors. So if you want more pleasure, less discomfort, and who doesn't, check out V Health. And you can save 20% now when you go to getvhealth.com and use promo code EMILY20. That's getvhealth.com. Use promo code EMILY20 for 20% off today.

Public Order. Unlinked 20 for 20% off today. Okay, let me share a little story with you that might inspire you to look at your relationship differently. I lived in San Francisco for 20 years and one of the requirements and suggestions when you first move there is you have to get an earthquake preparedness kit. The earthquake is coming. There'll be another one We don't know when and so just have a kit in your house Have some water make sure that you have a place to go that you have a plan that you have an earthquake plan and At first I was like, okay I'll just go to my neighbors and I'm busy and is that really gonna happen? Until there was an earthquake. Now it wasn't the earthquake, but it was it was

bad. It was pretty, you know, it shook. It shook the ground and it wasn't until I felt that that I thought, oh this is serious. It could happen and then I, you know, went about my business and I had the kid in my house. So how does this relate to you and your relationship? Well, it reminds me of a situation that happens in the majority of long-term relationships. And that is, one day you're gonna feel a tremor in your relationship. Maybe there'll be some aftershocks and you'll think, oh wow, it's here. The honeymoon phase has ended and now we have to figure out what to do. And so today, before I get into your questions, let's talk about this honeymoon phase and how you

can prepare for the end of it because I promise you it's coming. So the honeymoon phase, so we're all on the same page, is that temporary euphoric period in the relationship where everything feels perfect. We have more motivation, we have a lot of energy, we can't stop kissing our partner and hugging our partner and they they can do no wrong. They walk on water and you are so in love. It is the greatest thing that's ever happened to you. And the honeymoon phase has been studied a lot. It lasts about six months to two years on average. And here's what's really going on. When you're falling in love with somebody, it changes what happens in your brain and your body. Neurochemicals like dopamine

and oxytocin are flooding our brains and they're also activating the same pleasure reward center. So what it looks like is the physical and psychological responses in our body and mind can feel a lot like we're on drugs. And they actually looked at the neurological response to people on cocaine and people falling in love and it was pretty much the same thing. Like any great buzz or a great high, it doesn't last forever. You're going to come down from it, but it's not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, I used to think, you know, I didn't really understand that this happened in every relationship. I thought when I stopped wanting to have sex with my partners frequently,

well, the relationship is doomed. I should probably end this relationship. I didn't realize then that, oh, this is, you know, it takes work, and we have to start communicating and really get to know each other, and the relationship goes to another place. You're not going to ever get back to the honeymoon phase but you have something deeper, more intimate, more connected. You know, it's your life partner and you feel safe and trusted and there's so much beauty that happens in a relationship when you're actually able to do the work and move

past this elusive phase. So I just wanna tell you that there are some things you can do. Now, I recommend that you start talking about your sex life, what turns you on, your fantasies. You can check out our yes, no, maybe list. It gives you lots of suggestions. You can find that on our website at sexwithemily.com. It gives you like about 100 sex acts and you can review it with your partner

and see what you're both into. Because how great would it be if you already start having these conversations as soon as you start having sex with someone? Even though you think you don't need to because everything's amazing, at some point it's gonna change. Having conversations about sex, even if it's awkward as a practice, and so I recommend you have them as soon as you can. But I get it. No one wants to have difficult conversations when everything feels amazing and we're riding and all these feel-good hormones.

If you do find yourself though in a place where you're like, well, why aren't we ripping each other's clothes off the second we walk in the door anymore? Try some relationship check-ins. Even have a relationship contract. You know, in your office, maybe you have a weekly meeting. Couples who have a weekly check-in or a monthly check-in that's a non-negotiable, where they check in what's important to us. Are we prioritizing our pleasure? Are we working on ourselves? Are we working on the relationship? What are our values? I love the idea of a relationship contract that you update every year or every five years. And we do that in business all the time. So even if you don't write it down, having frequent conversations about your values and what's important to you, specifically your sex life, can change the whole trajectory of your relationship

for good. And if you want to know how to spice it up sexually, I'm gonna get into that. I give a lot of advice on this show and we've got tons of great articles on our website about how to keep it interesting, how to connect. What I want you guys to remember is relationships take work. It's a joyful work though. You get to work on something that's so important to you. And with that work comes communication and trust and honesty. So I hope all of you get prepared, have these conversations, and I'm here for you along the way.

All right. Let's get into your questions. If you have a question you want me to answer, you can email me feedback at sexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Just remember to include your name, your gender identity, location, age, and how you listen to the show. And totally cool if you change your name. Let's talk to Madison in Utah. Hi Madison, how you doing? Hi, I'm doing good. How are you? Good. So I am dating this guy. I've been dating for a couple months now and what I'm really wondering is I was being Snoopy, which I probably shouldn't have been, but that's just like my own insecurities. I was going through his Instagram and I noticed

that he was following like a bunch of new new girls. He just barely started following them and liking their sexy pictures. I was wondering if it's not something I'm being too jealous over or should I be hurt by something like that? Yeah, this has come up a lot. This is the new relationship dynamic with Instagram. I've heard this from a lot of people who are saying like, what do I do about this? I am jealous. Why are they following people? And I know some women are like, that's not okay. That's not okay. Are you guys, tell me this, how

long have you been together and are you in a committed relationship and how old are you? So I'm 19 and we've been dating for like five months and he's actually my first like monogamous relationship. Like that's never something I was willing to try months and he's actually my first like monogamous relationship. Oh, okay. Like that's never something I was willing to try and he's like, no, come on. I only do monogamy. Just give it a shot for me. And so I have like cut off like all my partners. And so like it's just something new and it's definitely like hard for me. Yeah. Madison, well like, this is such a great question. I would say that you have every right to feel jealous, but to also understand that this is new to you. You've never been in a committed relationship. And I think that it's like a whole new wave of emotions. It's

kind of confusing. You know, he says one thing. So I would just have an honest conversation with him and say, let's talk about our relationship and you can just make it casual. You don't have to be like angry, jealous, Madison, because no one wants that girl coming at him, right? And just say, hey, I want to revisit. It's in five months and my first monogamous relationship and it's been interesting. I love, tell them what you love about it. Say I love that we're together all the time or that we're having great sex.

But I have to be honest that I look at your Instagram, you know, people do. And I notice that they're just following a lot of other women and liking their photos. And that makes this monogamy thing, which is new to me, feel unsafe. What does it feel like? You tell me. It just hurts for sure because I'm someone who, I love my body and I love to take like pictures of myself and He's always someone who's like no, I don't care for pictures I just want to see in person and then he goes out of his way to follow these beautiful girls from where I'm from And like they're sexy pictures. So I'm just like There's a line like why do you not want my pictures? But you go out of your way to like these other women

like why do you not want my pictures but you go out of your way to like these other women. What was his upbringing like? Did he grow up in an environment or a culture where it wasn't okay for women to be sexual or he wasn't it wasn't okay for him to be sexual? I think so. Whenever like something like comes on TV that's like sexual he will look away like he's one of those type of people. Well that's his parents probably put their hands over their eyes or wouldn't let it over his eyes and wouldn't let him watch. So it's, and is he also 19 Madison? He is. Okay. So you know, here's the thing, right? No, but here's the thing. When we are just

kind of, you know, you're both at the age where you are figuring out who you are in a relationship, in a committed relationship, what's important to you, what values are important to you. And so unfortunately or unfortunately, Madison, this is how we learn what's key to us, what's important, right? From experiencing things we don't want. I mean, a lot of what we know in life is what we don't want to happen. And you don't want to feel this way. You don't want to feel confusion about what it means that he's looking at other women on Instagram and telling you one thing, and you just want to understand.

You could just even get curious. This is something I want you to remember, Madison, to be curious. As much as you're jealous and maybe a little angry, you could just say, I don't know what to do with this information. It's sort of an antithesis to what I'm feeling about us, such as we're getting closer and we're committed,

but then I get a message from you, you don't wanna see naked photos. I feel like when the topic of sex comes up, it's not comfortable for you, but then you're following all these sexy women and liking their photos. Can we talk more about that? Not even with a judgment,

the best you could do is to not make it judgmental, because it already is, like he probably hasn't thought about it. And just know that this is new for both of you and this is how you learn how to be a great communicator in all your relationships really. Hear what he says and know that it's not a one-time conversation that you might have to continue to talk about it. And maybe he'll be like, oh yeah I just do that when I'm bored at work or oh gosh if it bothers you let me just delete them all. I get it. You'll see how he responds to it.

Yeah, yeah. And that's what I'm looking for. I don't want him to go out of his way to unfollow every single girl that he follows. As someone who I can admit that I have cheated in the past and I've gone out of my way to not tell my partner what I was doing. And then like seeing these red flags from someone else is just like, that's like what I would do when I was looking for attention from somebody else. Yes, Madison. And then I have that picture of that girl to compare myself to. And it's just like, oh no. I didn't need that. So Madison, I think that this is how you get vulnerable. And you say, let me tell you, this is such a Madison, such good information.

I think what you say to him is it's, I noticed that you're following them. It's confusing to me because I have to be honest with you. I used to be a cheater and you're acting the ways that I used to act. And since we're monogamous now, I'm not cheating. And it's a trigger for me. So you could say maybe I'm just projecting, maybe it's just me, but it brings stuff up for me about not feeling good, not feeling secure,

not feeling like I know what's going on, like I'm losing control, you know, and then just let him talk and see what he says. But Madison, you have every right to say that. All right, how do you feel about having a conversation? I appreciate it. Of course. I'm here for you, Madison. It's a really good question. I'm going to take a quick break. When I come back, I'm answering a question from Stephanie who's wondering how she can reignite the romance with her boyfriend.

All right. It is finally here you guys. I'm so excited to announce my very own SmartSX community. We just launched the membership and I'm really excited to tell you about it and hopefully you will join us. So I've been doing the podcast for 20 years and here's what happened. I got really sick of this one-sided conversation. Yes, you go back and listen to thousands of episodes and get my advice and read the blogs and check out the videos, but the way that we actually make changes with sex and relationships is when it's a dialogue, it's a

conversation, so I can work with you. It is time to do the work. Now this membership has it all. There are AMAs, you can ask me anything, there'll be live coaching, guest coaching, workshops, webinars, along with weekly exclusive Q&A sessions with me, exclusive content with some of the best minds in sexual health and wellness and so many other things. But I gotta tell you something, I don't know exactly where this membership is going. And that's because I'm building it right alongside you.

I'm catering this membership to the members, to you. I wanna know what you want and I'm going to fulfill your needs. Because you know, I go on all these retreats, I teach retreats and workshops and we have all these big breakthroughs and we're all connected and then people go back to their towns and they're like, I have no one to talk to. I don't know what to do. And so with SmartSX, you will have the opportunity to connect with like-minded community people who are also passionate about improving their intimate lives.

You're going to build connections, share stories, find advice, all in a really safe space. So if you're interested in this membership, it has it all. We are starting a pleasure revolution and I would love you to join. So go to my website, sexwithemily.com and click on the membership tab, that's sexwithemily.com. Click the membership tab and I will see you there.

Look, the truth is most of us aren't trying to become Olympians, but who doesn't want to feel strong, healthy, and at the end of the day, with some energy left in the tank? But that's just not happening without good nutrition. That's why I take Field of Greens. It's whole organic fruits and vegetables. No extracts, no lab-made stuff.

Just one scoop a day gives you simple, real nutrition. Field of Greens feeds your body with fruits and vegetables medically chosen to support your heart, vital organs, and your immune system. So I've been using Field of Greens for the last few months and I couldn't be happier with the results. I'm someone who's always on the go. I've got work, my podcast, my social life, and it's just so easy to incorporate the supplement into my daily routine. It's just a quick scoop in my smoothier water and I'm set for the day. It's become a joke around here. Let me guess, drinking your greens, Emily? I am just more energized

and I realize I'm not hitting that midday slump. Not to mention, you can't have good sex when you're exhausted, remember that. Your health and sexual pleasure are directly correlated and I just can't recommend field of greens enough. It's my go-to for getting the nutrients I need even on those less than ideal eating days. I just love being able to not

worry about getting the right daily amount of fruits and vegetables because I just know Field of Greens takes care of it all. You're going to love Field of Greens too, but if you don't, you can return it for a full refund. But I got you 15% off your first order and free rush shipping. Just visit www.fieldofgreens.com, use promo code SWE. That's promo code SW-W-E at fieldofgreens.com. That's fieldofgreens.com. All right, this is from Stephanie26 in New Jersey. My partner and I have been dating for almost a year. I had a previous six year relationship

and he had a small handful of sexual partners, but no real relationships before me. We're both in our late 20s. The first few months, the sex was incredible and frequent. A few months into the relationship, our sex life slowed down a bit and we weren't having as much sex anymore. When we do have sex, he finishes much faster than before. We talked it through and he thinks it's just because we're past the honeymoon phase of our sex life. I wish we had more sex, we still love each other, but I'd like to get back to the more romantic state of mind. But I don't want to push him to do something he's

not into. We have an amazing happy relationship. How could I ignite that spark like we had in the beginning?" Stephanie, here's the thing. Let me make this clear to everyone. You're never gonna go back to the exact same moment in time as it was in the beginning. You can't recreate what's going on with all the chemicals and the hormones and that intense euphoria. But right now, I want you to start where you guys are at and see what you can work on going forward. It's really common that couples have these mismatch libidos where one partner wants sex more often than the other, but the important thing is that you can communicate with and decide, well what's

the frequency of our sex life? What turns us both on? And when you said, how could I ignite that spark for him again, it's not about one person lighting a spark. It's about the two of you together lighting a spark. I'd love that to inspire all of you right now. There's always one person in the relationship trying to fix the sex life and trying to do something else. And while I'm all for spontaneity and trying new things, you both have to be on the same page as far as prioritizing your sex life.

Sounds like you're the one who's leading the charge here and you're trying to fix it and you're trying to bring the spark back, but really this might just take a conversation with him outside the bedroom and say, I want to talk about our intimate life and our sex life. And I realize we haven't had these conversations before because maybe you haven't. And say, this is what's important to me to connect sexually you know here's some of the most memorable times you've had sex what works for you what do you fantasize about so all the things I talk about on the show I wouldn't try to make any like major changes here make your decisions but just have some frequent ongoing conversations so you'll

know Stephanie after six years if this relationship can go the distance and he's willing to work on it or if he's not. Better to have these conversations sooner than later. One way to keep the honeymoon going is to make sure you're both having pleasure and one way a lot of couples aren't having pleasure is when they're not paying attention to the orgasm gap and that is women take a little bit longer to orgasm than men and now that you know that there's some things that you can do to make sure you're both having a good time. So men may finish between five to seven minutes on average, while women just need a longer time. And that's where

promessant delay spray steps in. This eases up the intensity so you can both sync up your pleasure. And I'm not just talking about lasting longer, it's about enhancing your connection and making every moment count. And if you have a penis and sometimes you finish before you want to, Promescent can definitely help you with that. You're gonna love it. Score a sweet 15% off at promescent.com slash Emily. Plus enjoy free shipping and a 60-day money-back guarantee. All sent in discrete packaging. That's promescent.com

slash Emily for 15% off your order promescent.com slash Emily Let's talk to Tom in North Carolina. Hi Tom. What is going on? Emily I'll tell you what I am so happy that I had a chance to call you I have a beautiful wife and my next door neighbor is always over in the house and she mentioned to me that she and her husband like swinging. And I mentioned to my wife,

she told me that was disgusting. She would never be with another woman and she thought that was absolutely disgusting and never mentioned it again. But I worked from four at night to eight in the morning. So one night I got sick, so I came home about two in the morning and looked through the window

and she was between my neighbor's legs, female, going to town. But she told me that she thought it was disgusting. And it made me question a little bit, when I'm around, she's going to act like she's such a Christian and that's so disgusting and she would never do something like that. What do you think about it? I'm going to hang up and listen to the radio.

All right, Tom. Thanks. Lots on pack here. I mean, you want to know why she would be doing that if she's such a good Christian? Because I think that there is a problem when we commingle religion and sex. I think that your wife probably never was in a place where she felt safe to talk with anyone in her life about what her actual desires were. Because if you grew up in a religious home and a religious culture where you are never given time to think about your actual, who you're attracted to and what turns you on and what makes you feel good and to express it because at every turn before the age

of 18, let's say she lived at home until she was 18, your wife, and maybe everyone around her was saying that too like bisexuality is wrong or homosexuality is wrong or lesbians are, I don't know what your wife is, but that's probably why she didn't feel safe. Let's say I just grew up in a very like restrictive home and I was told no you can't be gay. You can't be a lesbian. That is horrible. Then what am I going to do? I'm going to hate that I'm not able to live a life where I'm expressing my authentic self. And as a result of having to repress that my entire life, I'm going to marry a man. I'm not saying your wife is a lesbian either. We're going to get back to that, but I'm going off on the

religious thing first. What's going to happen over time is I'm going to your wife is a lesbian either. We're going to get back to that. But I'm going off on the religious thing first. What's going to happen over time is I'm going to be with my husband and I'm going to hate myself for having desires for women. And not only since I can't fulfill it, I'm going to start hating everybody else. I'm going to start thinking that everybody else is disgusting for living out their fantasies and their dreams because I couldn't do it. Now I want to know, did you approach her? Did you knock on the door?

Did you come home? Did she tell you why? Did she express to you why she was doing that? We don't know because you hung up, but that's probably why. And she wants to be able to be free sexually and try other things and experiment. I mean, you guys are in your 60s. Every relationship, I believe, has to evolve sexually. And I don't think that means cheating on your partner. She's cheating. That is wrong. Even if it's same sex, different sex, you must be really hurt. That is a violation of your marriage contract, of what you've committed to. And so I think that part is a problem for sure.

And I think you have to address it with her because these things don't go away. So if you haven't told her yet that you walked in on her, you have to let her know that you saw that and it hurt you and what it made you feel. I mean, I guess the goal is, Tom, what do you want to accomplish? Because if you guys have been together and you've got a long-term relationship, maybe there's a way to repair this and you get to the bottom of it and find out maybe why she didn't feel safe telling you. And then see if you guys can move forward and have a healthy threesome.

If you want to find out what actually is going on, my best advice for you is to not go into this hot and angry, and like, oh, why'd you do that? I walked in and say, you know, let's have a real talk about this. I really want to understand your sexual desires, what you want sexually. Let me tell you about what I need sexually. It really was confusing to me when I came home and I saw you with our neighbor. It made me feel a whole bunch of different things, I felt. I resented you because I've been asking you to have a threesome with her. It made me feel like our trust is broken. It made me feel like I didn't really

know you. And I'm just curious. He has to be curious. He can't be angry, even though he might be. Just say, I just want to understand where you're coming from. Maybe you could tell me more about this. How do you get curious with your partner? We're not going to get anywhere from being angry. In the world that I hope to live in and the relationship that I'm in and I want to continue to be in is a relationship where this stuff doesn't happen because you are so honest and authentic and outright about who you are and what you value sexually and what you're into and what turns you on.

That there's no violation of trust. There's no surprises because everyone who goes into a relationship has fully explored their sexuality. They know what they're into or they're with a partner who is consented to constantly be checking in and evolving and growing. And maybe once a month you check in about your sex life. Like you have prioritized your sex life. That's the world I want to live in where this stuff doesn't happen. Okay. Hi Dr. Emily. I

appreciate your work. I think it's so important. I'm 24 in March and I've been dating my girlfriend the same age for four years. We moved in together in June to a new city where we don't have any friends. The honeymoon phase is long gone and the beginning of moving in together we were having sex once every three weeks. More recently we have not had sex in two months. It's clear we both want more sex and have knowledge that our relationship feels more like a friendship than a romantic relationship. But neither one of us seem confident to initiate sex anymore. I'm not even sure if she finds me attractive. I bought her a bullet

vibrator that she uses solo sometimes and likes it. The last time we tried being intimate together we both acknowledged feeling more like best friends and we should try to spice it up. I'm sure it starts with a conversation outside the bedroom, but how do you think that should go? I'm starting to feel like I have one foot out the door in this relationship and I want to give it an honest shot before deciding this isn't what I want anymore. Our relationship takes up a lot of my headspace and energy because she is someone I care for

deeply. All right, you have been together for four years, Luke. You're 24 years old. It sounds like your first serious relationship and this is an easy situation, especially living on top of each other the last year. You know, we get suffocated. We know what we need for desire needs to thrive is spontaneity and variety and novelty and you haven't had any of that the last year. A lot of us haven't. I appreciate that you want to take time to figure it out because you know you really care for this relationship. I would talk to her outside the bedroom and just say you know let's talk about our sex life. What feels good to you? Are there any fantasies you want to try? I mean I love

that you brought up the yes no maybe list to her and that you want to try new things, but I'm gonna say at 24 years old and you've been together for four years, I'm gonna guess that she probably doesn't have the answers to those questions. She doesn't know what feels good. She has maybe hasn't been with many other people. So exploring your sexuality is a process. It's a journey and you're both at the very beginning of your journey and so maybe you need time apart to figure out who you are as sexual beings or maybe you do start to figure it out together but I think she might not know what turns her on. It takes masturbating, it takes talking, it takes experimenting and

you sound like a really thoughtful, sensitive guy which I love and so I think that if you have a conversation with her outside the bedroom, you say, babe, I think about this all the time, and I really wanna figure out how we can make this work. I've been feeling that we're just friends lately. I know that you've said the same thing. And then you just start to talk about it.

What do you feel? This is what makes me feel. And remember, it's not a one-time conversation. You can continue to talk about it. And if you guys are both really honest and loving and you care about each other, you're gonna find a solution, whether it means that you stay in the relationship

or you go. All right, thanks for your email, Luke. All right, let's talk to Jennifer 44 in Texas. Hi, Jennifer. Hi, Emily. Hi. Long story short, I've been in a relationship with someone who's 14 years older than me

for seven and a half years. And it has been the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I had three kids, we moved in together when we were just together four months. We were both married at the same time when we moved in together, but in the process of divorce, quote unquote. My question is, he has tendencies that lean towards narcissism. And I didn't realize this up until about three years ago. I started doing some research on it or whatever. But then he also has some tendencies that are opposite of what narcissists are. Like he, he doesn't say he's sorry in life, but he can be sorry. And he really means it when he says it and he is extremely generous he has taken care of me

and my kids since the day that he's met me i mean everything and anything over the top everything and anything does he do the gaslighting yes but you know we both told each other about our relationships with our ex-spouses that we both cheated on our exes and blah blah blah since i've been with him i haven't even one day had the thought of cheating on him and he says he has not cheated on me with another woman but he has talked to other women that kind of stuff. Is there ever a place where you can get therapy or help for somebody who doesn't seem to be a complete narcissist? You know, if they, if he commits to it, like if he says, yeah, I'm gonna go to therapy

and I'm gonna go once a week and I'm gonna stick this appointment and I'm gonna listen to what the therapist says and I'm gonna try to work on empathy and I'm gonna try to work on rage or I'm gonna try to work on moment by moment, every day I'm going to try to work on rage, or I'm going to try to work on moment by moment, every day I'm going to do the work, then they can have an impact. They can change. But let me tell you something, being generous is not an opposite trait of narcissists. Some narcissists are very successful. They have a lot of money.

They can do that. That's also a sense of control. So in a sense, he's controlling you with the money. So people only change if they want to change, Jennifer. So yeah. Do you think that that can happen without going to therapy? No, nope, absolutely not. How old is he? 58 years old? No.

Do I think that after 58 years of being one way and one body, that one day he's going to wake up and all of a sudden stop gaslighting and stop whatever else he's doing? No. Zero chance. Zero. Zero. I'm telling you. You've had ups and downs, highs and lows, and I'm not even saying just leave. I'm saying will he go to therapy with you? But it doesn't doesn't look good. We've gone to therapy a couple of times, but he travels so much for work. We've really had a breakthrough like a couple of weeks ago, and I told him, look, I will not stay with you if you're going to even talk to other women besides your ex-wife because you have children with her. I will not accept that period. If I knew he were

going to be completely faithful to me, I would deal with the other step to tell you the truth. Well, there's no certainty. Well, there's no certainty here, okay? And I mean, what do you want right now, Jennifer? Because... Because I don't want to give up hope on him. That's why. Okay.

Well, the only... He has to not want to give up hope on you. Not one person can't save the relationship. You both need to save it. At least he has to want to. And... That's what he says. He says he wants to?

Well, then he has to go to therapy with you. He can zoom in if he's traveling. I see my therapist on zoom. That's true. That's what you have to do. That is the kind of thing you need to do, working on it and seeing if he can change. So he has to want to put the effort in, but I'm going to tell you that people don't change much.

It takes a lot of time, a lot of commitment. I know I've changed. I've changed greatly since I've been with him. I am not the same person that I was when I first met him. Okay, that's good. Has he changed at all? He has some, yes. All right, well I think it's just a matter of deciding what your values are, what's important to you, how you want to be treated, how he wants to be treated, and see if you're able to communicate and that there's more highs than lows. You're right, that's very true. Yeah, okay.

Well, thank you so much for your help. Of course, Jennifer, I'm here for you. I got you, thanks for calling. Mel 33 in New York. Ever since right before we got married, my husband started bringing up having a threesome as being a fantasy and something he wants to try. More than that, he has a desperate urge to fulfill.

After hearing him out and weighing the options, I determined this is not something I'm comfortable with being a part of. He's dropped it, but brought it back up several times after that point. We always have a big discussion about it. I hear him out, what he's looking for, I consider it, and again, decide it's not something I'm into personally,

but I understand his urge and desire, and I do not something I'm into personally, but I understand his urge and desire and I do not make him feel bad for wanting a threesome. I offer other things to help spice things up for us. However, he makes me feel bad whether he wants to or not for not wanting it. He makes me feel like this makes me boring. I have offered to do anything else, whatever he wants, dress up, roleplay, toys, anal, you name it. But we never get there because the conversation, instead of being around what we can do instead and what we're both comfortable doing, just arcs back to the threesome.

He compares our relationship to that of others that he knows of who have threesomes often. He makes it seem like literally everyone has done it or is doing it and I'm the only one who isn't into it. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm trying and trying and I just want to be happy and I feel like because I don't want to have a threesome, ultimately it will end our marriage. Am I wrong for not doing it? Should I just do it and try for him even if I'm uncomfortable? I feel like one person will be resentful in either scenario. But him being resentful feels much more life-altering I don't know what to do. Do you have any advice? Wow Mel That's a lot. It's a lot to take in there Mel, but I'm gonna tell you this

First I'm just gonna say this. I don't mean to use you This is the poster child email for threesomes But this is what happens when you don't talk about your sex life before you get married Before you commit to someone for life, have a checklist. Talk about how many kids you want to have. If any, do we want to buy a home, rent a home? What religion are we going to practice? If we have kids, what religion are we going to raise them?

How important is family? You know, if my parents get sick, I'm going to want them to live with us. Would that be okay with you? You know, I'm still going to work when we have kids, or I'm'm still gonna work when we have kids or I'm not gonna work when we have kids or you're gonna have to stay home. I mean, all the things. And in there, in those conversations, you say, how important is sex to you? I've learned from listening to Sex with Emily that in most relationships, sex becomes a problem

if people don't talk about it and it's gonna get stale and boring after a while. Are you somebody who has a growth mindset around sex? I mean, that's the person I'd wanna walk down the aisle with. I'd be like, okay. And I'm not, I'm just trying to make a point here. But Mel, let's go back to you. So your husband has been saying to you since right before you got married,

so I guess he gave you out, but maybe the invitations were already in the mail. I get it. So many things came up for me in reading your email about him pressuring you and making you feel bad about not having a threesome. And one of them was that like it's gaslighting. Like for him to say everybody's doing it and you're wrong for not wanting a threesome

and all our friends are doing it and he's not listening to you so I'm wondering in what areas of your relationship is he also gaslighting? Is he also making you feel bad for not agreeing with him? People like that are very hard to deal with. I do not think Mel that if you have a threesome just to do it It's gonna feel better that your resentment is less than his resentment because it's not fair He can't just declare that you should be comfortable and I'm assuming it's with two women I'm gonna assume that he wants you to be with another woman and if that's not your jam, that's not your jam He cannot be forcing that upon you is Disney why you be with another man?

I mean, I'm gonna assume it's a it's usually how the threesome goes down. And I never recommend that couples should have a threesome unless both of you are on board. Maybe you have role-played it in your mind and you've talked about it if you were interested, but you're not. You've thought about it. And it's maybe, I don't know how long you've been married, but I think that there's a lot more places for couples to go before they dive into a threesome. How is your sex life right now? Mel, are you satisfied? Mel, are you having orgasms?

Are you having pleasure? Are you getting your needs met? I mean, it sounds to me like the fact that you wrote me this email that the threesome request might be getting louder and louder and louder and it's drowning out any of your needs. In fact, to me, this would be something that you could take to a therapist too, maybe a sex therapist to help you guys negotiate this because he 100% has to at least be on board

with a yes, no, maybe list or a night discussing, you know, a pleasure planner, like, let's talk about things so we can both get our needs met. Your needs are just important as his. You know, what I've found is the more comfortable sex I have, the more I'm connected to a partner, the more I feel like it's a mutually beneficial relationship, I'm more open to things. I feel safer. I'd be willing to try or wanting to experiment more. I'm not saying you're ever gonna want a

threesome, but perhaps if you felt that you were in a healthy place with him and things were great and you guys were sexually connected. See, even if you wanted a threesome now, I would still be asking you, how are you getting your needs met? Are you having orgasms? Are you having pleasure? Sounds like your needs are being put on the back burner

and his needs about wanting to have a threesome are running the show. That doesn't feel great to me. So I think that what you have to do is outside the bedroom, this is one of those things you say, babe, I to talk to you about our sex life. I want to have adventures. I want to feel connected. I want to continue to grow and change and learn with you in this marriage. So can we take threesome off the table and start fresh? I want to start to build together, create a sexual erotic life

that we are both a part of. And him demanding that you acquiesce isn't gonna fly. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or a partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, or X, and Facebook.

It's all at Sex With Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up on SexWithEmily.com, and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559TALKSEX. That's 559-825-5739,

or just go to SexWithEmily.com slash ask Emily. Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at sexwithemily.com.