Sex With Emily - Keep the Spark (& the Kids) Alive with Larry Hagner

Episode Date: October 25, 2019

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is joined by host of The Dad Edge Podcast Larry Hagner to talk about all things fatherhood, masculinity, and sex. The two discuss what the 5 Dimensions of fatherhood are and why it’s important when it comes to being a successful parent – which includes prioritizing your intimate relationship – because you’re not just parents, you’re lovers. Plus, how to be the best role model for your kids and ways to talk to them about sex and pleasure.Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemilyFor even more sex talk, tips, & tricks visit sexwithemily.com For more info on Larry Hagner, click HERE. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The definition of hell is meeting the man that you could have been when you're laying on your deathbed. That's something we say. That's from a book called Outweeting the Devil by Napoleon Hill. And that's something that's great. Yeah. That is like the credo that we live by. When we go to our deathbed, that we're just we're going to be there smiling because we're going to know like, Hey, I did everything that I could possibly do.

I had the relationships that I wanted. I raised my kids away. I wanted I had this amazing I could possibly do. I had the relationships that I wanted, I raised my kids away, I wanted, I had this amazing connection with my wife, physically, mentally, emotionally, with my wife. I did the work that made me come alive. I lived a good life. I lived a good life. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily.

On today's show, I'm joined by Larry Hagnur from the Goodman Project to talk about all things fatherhood, masculinity, and sex. Topics include the five dimensions of fatherhood. What are they, and why are they so important? Ways to talk to your kids about sex and pleasure without getting too graphic. The importance of prioritizing your intimate relationship because your parents, but you're also lovers, and how to be the best role model for your kids, and we're focusing here on fathers to sons. He thinks you're kind of cute.

Hey, girls, gotta have a stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, Emily? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my god, I'm so dumb. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. Thanks everyone for listening to this show.

Check it out our website, sexwithemle.com. You can find me on Siri Sex and Radio. On Monday through Friday, five to seven p.m. Pacific. If you want a third-day trial, you can go to sexwithfamily.com slash SXM, you can also call in. Triple eight, nine, four, seven, eight, two, seven, seven. You guys, there's also videos on Series XM,

so check it out. You can get a 30 day trial, see what you've been hearing. And you can also find me in all social media. It's at sex with Emily across the board. All right, guys, I hope you enjoy the show with Larry. Larry Hagner, as a... Emily, it's going on. It's going on. I'm so glad to have you back on the show with Larry. Larry Hagner. Hi. It's going on.

I'm so glad to have you back on the show. I'm so glad to be here. You're really? Looks a little different. Does it? Yeah. We had a good chat last time. We did.

A few times. We've chatted. We have. Larry has the Dad Edge podcast and the Good Dad project. So called all those things. Did you change stuff around? Yeah. Yeah. So Good Dad project is still like the over,

like it's like the umbrella organization. Dad edge is more the brand. I just love the idea. Like we need more people to focus on dads. I don't think a lot of people do. Like it's such a great niche. There's so much about women. How do we have women?

But I love that you've created this thriving community of fathers and men to kind of help each other open up share vulnerability Share like concerns. It's going on in the home probably a lot of similar challenges Yes, so do you want to hear a story? Yes, okay, so here's the story I don't think I shared this last time I was on your show But so this is how like the whole thing started so I was born in 1975 my parents were married for four years after I was nine months old. My dad had it out and then didn't know him didn't even know

that there was a dad or anything like that. And I'll never forget this when I was four years old. I was in preschool and I remember men coming to pick their kids up from school. And I knew what a dad was. And I just knew we didn't have one because I was raised exclusive by my mom. So I'll never forget, you'll appreciate this. I'll never forget the first time my mom actually brought a man home from work that she was dating. And this guy, it was 1979, I was four years old, I will never forget this as long as I live. This guy walks in, he was white collar, he was like a data software guy, he had a three-piece suit on the handlebar mustache, he had a briefcase of trench coat, the whole nine yards. And in my mind, he was like a data software guy. He had a three-piece suit on the handlebar mustache. He had a briefcase of trench coat, the whole nine yards.

And in my mind, I was like, oh my God, she did it. She finally found us a dad. Like, she's brought a dad home. So my mom introduced me to this guy. And the first question I ask him is, are you gonna be my dad? And like literally like silence in the room. Like, no, and there's kind of awkward laughing

that kind of thing. But lo and behold, year one pie, they did get married. Okay. They were together for five years. He adopted me and he was a really nice guy. When he was sober, he had a drinking problem. And when he did drink, he got really abusive. He was a pretty mean dude.

When I was 10, they got divorced and I've never seen him since. So he was out. So then I started asking questions like, hey, why was I part of the wedding? Where did I come from? That in my mom told me that I had a real father and I won't go into detail about it, but when I was 12, so two years later I had an opportunity to meet my biological father and it was a total mistake. It was a total fluke and we ended up spending like a few months together. I met him which nothing terrified me more when I was 12 years old than meeting my biological father.

Yeah, I can't imagine. I just got chills about it. Okay. It was pretty crazy. Well, the story actually gets even crazier. Okay. So we hung out for a few months. He was remarried. He had a two-year-old son, another one on the way. And we just, you know, you're dating someone and then suddenly they kind of pull this fade away. Like it just sort of gets awkward. That's kind of what happened. Like it just sort of, I just remember like as a 12-year-old, like looking at him, like he just seems like something's like heavy on him. I don't know what it is. And he just kind of, we got further and further away. like heavy on him. I don't know what it is. And he just kind of, we got further and further away.

After a while, he was like, hey, you know, it's complicated. And I'm trying to start things over again. He was out again. My mom got married a total of three times. And she dated men in between. Every guy she dated was either some sort of toxic, like alcoholic, abusive. So I always say half my childhood was spent without a father figure and then the other half was spent with some sort of male role model that was toxic and had addiction issues. Well, here's where the story takes a really interesting turn. So when I was 30, so 14 years ago, I became a father for the first time.

I had four boys, I had 13 year old, 11 year old, five year old and three year old. And I met my biological father again. And it was a total fluke. I was in a coffee shop in St. Louis, and I was there with a friend, and all of a sudden he just came walking in the door. And I recognized him,

and the friend that was with me knew this story and all that. And she was also a coworker of mine. And we're sitting there and I was like, you're not gonna believe this, but my father just walked in the door. And she was like, oh my God, like your biological father, I'm like, yeah, she's like, what are you gonna say to him?

And I'm like, nothing. I'm gonna say, what am I gonna say to him? I'm 30. You know, he's- You even seen him since you were 12, 13. That's him since 12. So she went up to him. Oh yeah, I'm a two.

I said, no, no, you're talking to dad, okay? That's what she did. So yeah, so she brings him over and he just kind of like walked over very humbly. I mean, there was nothing more awkward than like sitting in my seat and then making eye contact with my dad who was sitting across in the Starbucks and he just like got up and he just kind of like humbly

like walked over, he extended his hand. He's like, you know, hey, you know, how are you doing? Like, are you too married? He was talking to me and her and kind of like humbly like walked over, he extended his hand, he's like, you know, hey, how are you doing? Like, are you too married? He was talking to me and her and I was like, no, I'm married. I was like, I actually have a son on the way. He's like, you know, we should get together some time. And I'm like, that wasn't nice, but I wasn't mean.

And I was like, you know what? If you want to get together, that's fine. You know, here's my contact info. You can call me if you want. Well, then I leave and within about an hour and a half, he got back to his office and I got this email. Wow. And just basically like, I've, you can call me if you want. Well, then I leave and within about an hour and a half, he got back to his office and I got this email. Wow. And just basically, like I've always regretted,

like not being a part of your life. And I'd like to somehow, somehow shape or form be a part of it. Still married to the same woman, I have two younger half brothers, and here we are 14 years later, and we do have a relationship, and I've got a good relationship with my two brothers,

my stepmother, and my boys know him as grandpa. I mean, so everything is good. And I wouldn't say we're father and son, but we're friends, we're good friends. But here's where I'll tell you the answer question. That was a long way to get there. But when I became a father for the first time, I spent the first six years being a dad,

my son was six, my other son was four, and I was so frustrated. Okay. I had no patience. I was your typical guy, and my marriage was in jeopardy. No patience for my kids. I was throwing everything in my career because that's where I was good, but I was a wreck everywhere else. And I finally just got tired of feeling completely helpless and clueless. And one thing happened, and it's still hard for me to talk about to this day. But my 11 year old, when he was four, I kind of had like this really dark moment where

we were moving, and I was packing up the playroom. And of course, me being just a jackass with no patience. My four year old son comes walking and I just packed up his playroom, it took me hours and I was in a bad mood, had a bad day, just like every other day. And I told him I was like, do not get any of these toys out. I was like, I'm gonna go take a break,

do not get any of these toys out, it took me forever to pack them up. Come back down a half hour later, everything's pulled out and I spanked him and I spanked him so hard that he hit the ground. And then when I went to go help him up, he like shuttered and I was like, and I literally, I mean,

it messes with me talking about it out loud because like my wife who is extremely low drama, never gets upset. I mean, she's like a saint, helping her raise in four boys. She looked at me and she's like, seriously? Like, he just wanted to get to his toys. And for my wife, he's four.

Like, what else is there? Right. But you had to reach your limit at that moment and you acted out. I did, I acted out. And for my wife to say that even though it wasn't, like, that was big for her. and it was big for me to hear She never does stuff like that

So I went my office and I was on social media and I was upset And I got on Facebook. I just want to distract myself and I finally just looked in the corner It said creative page and I created a page called the good dad project and literally just like float off my mind and my heart and I was like And at that point I was like and at that point I was like all right I'm done. I'm done trying to figure this out on your own on my own. I'm just going to be a student of this and I'm just going to try to figure this out. I'm just going to research it just like I do anything else and research it meaning like I'm going to just be curious of how to do this better and I'm going to ask questions and I'm going to put my ego aside

and not every answer to every question is going to be fine and good and good and fine. I'm gonna put my ego aside and not every answer to every question is gonna be fine and good and fine I'm gonna share like what's going on and then 2013 turns out the blog 2015 the podcast I launched my first book in 2015 here. We are for and a half years later Congratulations for that. Well, that's so brave. So you got on to Facebook and what did you type there like help like is anyone else any Dad's out there like you invited your network, friends on Facebook, and then, what did you find where the common themes then when you first started? Do you remember kind of the first kind of,

where you all came together and you're like, God, we all really need this. What was the first issue you tackled? First issue I tackled was everybody being quiet about it. I mean, like, literally, like, you go out and it's like, what do dads struggle with? And there wasn't a whole lot that I found at the time because men are usually so quiet about it. Everything everything you ask us is either fine or good or good

or fine, right? But we've really boiled it down to what we call five dimensions now. Let's talk about that. That's and that's you mean principles are the five the five dimensions right? You're doing a course about this that men can take, but the five dimensions of fatherhood. Yeah, so it's mastering your finances is one, optimizing your health, which is physical, mental, emotional, spiritual health, having what we call legendary marriage and enjoying parenting, having an epic connection with your kids and business.

Those are the five. And what I can tell you is in those five areas, that's where men, we get the least amount of training. And we certainly don't want to ask for help because there's like that lot of shame, lot of guilt, like, hey, I'm not on top of my shit. If it looks like I don't have a handle on these things. So that's really what men struggle with is men,

I think overall, men lead these quiet lives of desperation. And we throw ourselves on the sword for everybody else with good intentions, but then we end up showing up with very little patience, short temper, not having the marriage that we want, not being the man that we want to be for our women, not being the father that leads our kids. So we struggle with these and we tend to internalize all this stuff and we beat ourselves up. And men tend to talk about like the same five surface

boring things. So what are those five things like sports? Sports. Yeah, so great. Yeah, kids sports. Yeah, and like. And very surface. Very serious.

So here's my question. So I want to hear more about these five dimensions and the five pillars. But what I see in men in your 40s is that I see this in men in their 20s, their 30s, their 40s. I believe that for many men and again, I'm not some men have done this work, but many men do just they don't it's work. Like you have to get into like vulnerability and shame and childhood issues and kind of work it through to learn how to be there for first yourself and your children and your wife.

So what did that look like for you since 2013? Like did you get into therapy? Did you, did you tell me what was your process before creating it for other men, you know, research research? My show started in the very same way. I was like, I'm not having the best sex in my life. No one else seems very, how do you have great sex?

And I started asking questions. So, you know, what did you, tell me what this journey looked like for you, the less? Yeah, it was, it was literally that exact, yeah, that exact same thing where I'm just like, man, I can't, I can't be the only one dealing with this, you know? So I started the blog, you know, in 2013, that was just my way of literally just owning

my own shit, just owning it all and just being like, here's how I'm messing up, here's how I'm making it. But here's some things I've learned. And then suddenly I started being asked to speak, and I'm like, speak, what do you want me to speak on? I'm like, I'm not an expert. And they're like, well, no, that's the thing. You're not an expert. And that's why it's more of a mission of in the trenches and You know that that's really where it started were in 2013 and then I just I didn't even enjoy writing Even though I got a couple books out there So the podcast was really like this thing that I really look forward to and I've been doing ever since and I always say

It keeps me curious and it keeps me learning because I get to have conversations with people who are much smarter than me, that you know about topics like this, like sex and intimacy. Let's talk about what have you learned about that? How is sex and intimacy? Sex and intimacy.

Yeah, I mean, you have four kids even with your wife for how many years? 20. Well, I've known her for 23 years, who have married for 16. Okay. So how what have you learned about sex and intimacy see how is that, how's that going? It's actually, we have the best sex

and the most frequent that we've ever had. In the last few years. In the last few years, I would say the last five years and so much so that we keep having these kids. So we need to sleep and stuff with veterans at this point. But what I can tell you is all these things that I was doing just really wrong. Where there was it before.

Yeah. And a lot of it started outside the bedroom. These conversations that I'd have my wife were just terrible. I know you recently came on my show again and we talked about how you always come to conversations and the defense. And I was so guilty of that. Plus, I just, I was very selfish.

I didn't love her in her love language. I didn't do things selflessly. I kind of have my own agenda, you know? And I've focused. You're on sex agenda or what you're in need getting your needs met. Yeah, getting my needs met. Like, and I, even when I would do things,

like, you know, years ago, like I would do things but like, well, if I would do things like, well, if I do X, then she'll probably want to have sex. And then if she didn't, then I'd be pissed. Cause that expectation was let down. Right, you know, this unspoken agreement, how did she not know that? And she was like, you know,

you're thinking in your head, scheming to get sex without actually talking about it. Right, and I think a lot of guys, like or not, that's the way some of us operate. Yeah, absolutely. No different, yeah. yeah so you through having conversations with her so it wasn't always incredible sex you had to work on it talk about it and realize what her love language is where I know you got our subscription box and you say you were yeah yeah yeah yeah so at least box at least box it's true you guys we've

a new one out this month date night. It's awesome because we only date night So tell me where it is now. So tell me about your sex life. You say it's great great and hot and better than before How how did you get there? It was it through conversations was it prioritizing was it? I Don't know you tell me so a couple different things So the couple of things that we now we now talk it, number one, we talk about it really openly. And instead of like, hey, why don't you do X more, right? Because I think we can all be, we're all guilty of starting a conversation like that. I like to come to a conversation of like, hey, do you remember that time when you did whatever or we did whatever, how can we have more of that?

How can we enjoy? Yeah, yeah, how can we do more of that? Or if we were, so like, for instance, we were out last weekend and we were at, we were just, you know, lunch together on a Sunday, we were watching baseball game together. We're not even baseball fans like we were just we're out of way from the kids I will do anything that we're out of way from the kids Even watch baseball right Sunday afternoon and we were just talking having a good time We're we're really connecting and then she's just like let's do something crazy. I'm like, okay What's on your mind? And she's like, I don't know

She's like but just something that's out of the ordinary, something we wouldn't do, something kind of naughty. And I'm like, let's go get a hotel room. Like for like just a couple hours and she's like, well, it's not like we can stay there. I was like, well, who cares? They don't care. We're paying for them anyway.

They don't care if we're there for an hour and we leave or what. So we did. And it was, it was so cool because we pulled up to this hotel you feel like you're doing something totally wrong Right, it's almost like you feel like you're having an affair. Yeah, like you feel like a teenager again Like you like we shouldn't be doing this it's a middle day, you know the kids are at home with a babysitter and we're like Yeah, but that's why it's so awesome. Yeah, exactly. Something so outside the box. And the other cool thing too is that the one thing that I can, I've definitely learned about my wife is we have really amazing sex

when she's relaxed and when she's more stress free. Just your wife though. It's a lot of women. Yeah, when we are stressed and anxious, we're not relaxed, we are not gonna be in our bodies and feel safe and let go. Right. So she's relaxed in the hotel room. We just took our time, I mean, it was really hot.

I mean, it was absolutely amazing. And there was no laundry for her to look at. Or no kids, like they were, might come running in the room. We just got to be ourselves. And that was just, that was so cool. And then we left and we were like, oh yes, you're like, right?

That's a great story. I love that. So, so in looking, so it sounds like you guys have worked on your insubstant and looking at your five dimensions of fatherhood, sex isn't in there. So where does it fall in between finances, health, marriage, connection with kids and leadership? Health?

Marriage. Marriage. Well, health, health, self care, right? So, but yeah, having a legendary marriage, we, we truly view that there are four pillars to that one is self-care One is partnership and partnership is like more the business side of marriage Like it's the not so sexy things to talk about like The finances the schedules all that just making sure we're on the same page with that and then there's friendship like hey

Do we actually enjoy each other like Like, are we actually friends? And then the fourth pillar is sex and intimacy. Okay, got it. So it's in your pillars. So you have to break it down. They do, yeah. All right, we're gonna take a break and we come back even more Larry Hagner.

[♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ You are teaching a lot of men right now. Like, they're in your, you, you, you've, they could join wherever they live in the world, like a mastermind. Yeah, we have a mastermind. We literally have guys from all over. We have guys from New Zealand all the way over to Italy and everything in between like we have guys who are, worldwide, who are part of it. Do you find that men worldwide are struggling?

Let me clearly, you created these five pillars or these five dimensions that they're kind of struggling with these same exact issues. Is there anything that's been surprising to you? Like, are there any, are there any bit cultures or places where you're like, oh, some of these men don't deal with this or is this pretty universal? It seems like, I mean, I haven't dove into it like so we have guys who are like an Ireland Scotland in the UK Italy Spain South Africa Obviously Canada and the US and everywhere. We have a couple guys in Japan But what I've noticed is culturally like we're pretty united in all of those but one thing I have noticed is It's kind of like what we talked about on our show is that men

Most men seem to have an okay marriage. And it's usually within those four elements that something is wrong or broke. You're usually doing pretty well in one or two, but then there's one or two that might be kind of broken. But what I've found is that most guys have an okay marriage, but what they want is that truly thriving marriage. And they just have a hard time figuring out, well, how do I navigate that?

And how do I do that? But so in talking about emotions, I asked you this question, like, have you gone to therapy? Oh, yeah. Okay. So you've been in therapy. Yeah. Because for a lot of men, I feel like, and this is something that would I have found, because I come, you're from women a lot, is that go a lot of people, I find are responsible

for not only their mental health and the mental health of the children, but they're like, I've got my husband's 42 and I'm still taking care of his emotional baggage. He hasn't done his work yet. And so I think it's great that you're leading a path and you're demonstrating to men how they can actually grow and learn and change, but do you ever find that there's men

who just don't wanna do the work? Oh yeah. They don't know I won't. So how do you break through to them? Guys, we're going, I don't need therapy or everything's fine. They want to do the work. Do you know I won't? So how do you break through to them? Guys, when I don't eat therapy or everything's fine, they want to just talk about sports and they just want to stay in their comfy place. Like, because not every man,

and I see this again in friends who've been married for a long time and listeners, but I always bring up friends is because I actually have the history of friendships that have gone on for 30, 40 years, my best friends, and I've seen them in marriages where I know, and I talk to them almost every day. I see how it's ebbed and flowed and many aren't happy, but many are happy.

And the ones are the happiest, the ones with their partner, husband, he went to therapy. He did the work because her nagging or trying to make him grow, they just, or the other friends, they just accept, they're like, well, he's never going to be able to be emotionally available. He's great with the kids because he drives them to school or he builds things with them, but he's not going to be that emotional support because it's just not a natural place for men to go. Some do some don't.

So can you kind of just talk about that, that journey of becoming a vulnerable, emotive, open, emotional man? Yeah, for sure. First of all, 40 years, I thought you were like 30. So who we met in kindergarten? Right. So. Who we met in kindergarten? Right, right. Yeah, so as far as that goes, that's a topic that fires me up, to be honest with you,

because I was that guy. Well, right, you're that guy, but you're not that guy anymore. I was that guy, I'm not that guy anymore, but here's what I can tell you. Doing this work, I always say this, doing this work, 98% of it I love. I absolutely love it. The 2% that I absolutely hate is the guy that complains and bitches and does nothing.

Right. Does nothing, or he quits on himself. Men are experts itself sabotage, unfortunately. But what I can tell you is the one thing that men struggle with the most is asking for help because they view it as, well, if I go to a counselor, that means I'm a problem. That means I'm weak.

That means I'm this. They label themselves, but yet we'll go to a coach to help us to be a better sales manager or a better leader in the business place. Well guess what? That coach is the same thing as a counselor. They're just doing it in a professional setting. I mean, they should rename counseling to coaching because that's really what it is. You're right.

They have a good coach for you. Right. You're absolutely right. Something about therapy, people still are still a stigma that they're crazy or they're wrong. And I think also if men have spent a lifetime kind of repressing feelings, emotions, insecurities, they're like, I'm not going to go up and bring it up to someone I don't know. So you get these men, it's kind of bringing them out of their child or hiding, you help them tackle all of these, which makes, feels more mad. I mean, because we do

talk a lot about women, but I think that this is, you figured out how to get men interested in this process, because it's not just one thing that you work in in all the areas. So can I share a quote with you that we talk about all the time? So the definition of hell is meeting the man that you could have been when you're laying on your deathbed. That's something we say. That's from a book called Outweeting the Devil, by Napoleon Hill.

And that's something that we, that is like the credo that we live by. That when, when we go to our deathbed, that we're just, we're going to be there smiling because we're going to know like, hey, I did everything that I could possibly do. I had the relationships that I wanted. I raised my kids away. I wanted, I had this amazing connection with my wife, physically mentally, emotionally with my wife, I did the work that made me come alive. I lived a good life.

What most men are really doing is they're in what we call the grind, the drift. Every day is that wash, rinse, repeat, I go to work, I have my coffee, I live sort of the so-so life. Then suddenly, when they look back on it when they're 16, 17, even like, I didn't live this life the way I intended it to. And the way I view it is like draw a line in the sand and ask the questions that you need to ask to live that life that you want. So you're not meeting that man that you could have been when you're on your deathbed. Yeah.

I think we all kind of have that fear of being in our deathbed of having the regrets. But that's also a very specific way of thinking, yeah, I don't want to be the guy I met now, because like men are silently suffering. They are more so than women. Like we're more open. Like, have you been, I haven't seen you in years. Well, here's everything that's wrong with me.

Right. Six, I've been seeing you in four years and in six minutes you're going to tell me everything that's wrong. That's how women are, because we kind of connect through that space, but men often don't. So one of your dimensions is finances. Can we talk about that for a minute?

I feel like kids, finances, and sex are the things that people fight about the most in relationships. So let's talk about some of the, how have you broke through if you've ever had financial things? How do you approach that in your relationship? Oh my gosh, that's such a good question. So in our community, we have a couple guys

who are financial coaches. They lead mastermind call teams and all that. And they, I've learned a ton from those guys and from other experts who have been on the show. So everyone has an emotional connection to money in some way, shape, or form. It can be good and it can also be baggage. But the, here's the, here's the rub, though, too, is that we are not taught personal finance growing up.

The last time I looked, it's not in college, not in high school. It's more like, if you look at those five dimensions and finance being one of them, it's so I was like, oh, you're married. And you now have combined finances. It best a lot of comfort works out. Just like being married. And you'll be getting no instruction for anything. It's amazing we're all live.

I know. Same thing with the kids. Oh, yeah, you're, you know, you have more, you have your PhD in human sexuality, right? So you have, you have all kinds of hours and training in that particular field. Yet when we're married, people are like, oh yeah, just go figure it out, right? So yeah, super easy to get married, have kids.

Right. Divorce is harder than marriage. Right. Okay, so fine, yeah. Fine, finances. So you're looking at two different people usually and each one of them have a different emotional, a bit of an emotional baggage when it comes to finances, right? Neither one usually knows what to do and usually what happens to is we have this abundance mentality

around money or we have a scarcity, and most Americans, it's scarcity. The latest statistics that I read, I think one third of Americans, only one third of Americans actually do a monthly budget. And I think it's, this one's really scary. People who are 50 and above have an average of $30,000 in their retirement fund. Which is absolutely terrifying. Yeah. Yes.

So things like that, people just don't know how to save. So the way my wife and I really assessed it was, when we first got married, and I think this is pretty typical, like I have a stomach for investing. Like I don't mind it. Like if I throw money into the market or into a real estate

and then I lose a little bit, I'm kind of okay with it, because I know what EBSM flows. Now when it comes to cash flow, it freaks me out. I think it's because I grew up with, we had nothing. So I saw what it was like to be poor and not have money. And it doesn't matter how much money we have in the bank. When I see money go out to pay a bill, I hate it. Now, my wife on the other hand has a stomach for that. And it doesn't matter how much money we have in the bank, when I see money go out to pay a bill, I hate it. Right.

Now, my wife on the other hand has a stomach for that. So she does the bills and the cash flow and all that. I don't go to our checking account. I haven't been to our checking account in probably five years. I don't even know what's being put into the checking account. All I know is I manage the business and I don't even manage the financial portion

of my business, like I have somebody else to that. But when it comes to cash flow, that's somebody else's wheelhouse, that's not mine. But my strength is like, hey, let me go. I'm risky enough to do investments in different things. I think you need to know where your strengths are. So that's like everything. You figure out where your wife can kind of help out,

where you guys can do it together. The straights, the weaknesses, you don't have to all do everything or live in the dark about it. Right. Because a lot of people just choose kind of like, sacks, like, oh, we're just not going to deal with mine. Right. It's going to be a lot of women I hear from, they're like,

oh, my husband's got it. He's taking care of that. I mean, that's again, kind of an older paradigm, but I still think I still see that come into play with women whose even if the partner's dire, they get divorced. Like, I have no idea how much money they have. So to kind of, it's important for couples to come together. Is that what you talk about to and your men,

groups that they should bring their partners into it? Oh my God, yeah, you have to. The other thing too is that, and this one's critical and foundational, we take men and their wives through an exercise that allows them to really understand what is their value. So like, for instance, my wife and I went through this exercise and I won't go into the details of it,

but at the end of the exercise, we really understood like, wow, we really don't value stuff at all. So like Christmas is, we were always like, why don't we really get into Christmas or the holidays? Like everyone's so excited, like why are we overwhelmed and stressed out and pissed off? And it's because we don't value stuff,

like the cars that we drive, like the home that we have, it's a nice home, but the cars that we drive, we could care less because the kids are trashin' it. So we went through this exercise of like, okay, what do we really value? Like, we value our environment or home. So that's like big dust. We're willing to spend money there. But we value experiences over stuff.

And I think a lot of people get caught up in like this material thing is like, oh, my neighbor has a new land rover. So I should get that. Yeah. And it's not even part of who you are, your core value. So it's like understanding like, hey, I don't need a Range Rover. I can just have a crappy minivan, but I want to take my kids to go to Colorado and some of the 14 and camp up there.

Like that kind of thing. Just these experiences that you share versus the stuff. That's really smart, I think, for couples to kind of get clear on that, to kind of, because then you'll just keep battling it out. It's kind of like one of those unspoken things that, until you mention it, couples will be like, think and listen to this going, oh yeah, I always, she always gets mad when I go out and buy these

new shoes. Why is that? She values experiences, I value things, and I've heard this before, but what a great, I love the tests or quizzes or whatever it was that you took. Is it evaluation through your group? Yeah, yeah. Smart.

Just understand what we value. What do you value? Yeah, and I guess if she did value things, you'd have to kind of have a work about that. Yeah, we'd have to work around that. Yeah. I think that would save so much time too. So with your four boys, has anything come up about sex and pleasure and how do you talk to them, how do you educate them?

Oh my gosh. Yeah, yeah. They're that age 13, 11. They are. Yeah, so my 13-year-old, and so I got a couple of stories about that. So my 13-year-old, he's like an open book. He's way braver than I was growing up, but then again, maybe it's because we have a comfort level. He feels really comfortable talking about and asking anything. Okay. So like, I'll never forget it two years ago, he was 11 going on 12 and we, I drove him to a hockey tournament, we had two hours and he'd kind of been fishing around like, like, kind of asking about sex, but I knew for two hours, I was probably going to get grilled, like I was just expecting it and sure enough, what I did. Here's my view of talking to kids about sex.

I view it as it's an open book. You can ask me anything that you want. I'll tell you what, I'll tell you experiences, I'll tell you everything you need to know. I think the more taboo we make it for kids, like it's this hush-hush thing, this shame, it's guilt, it's this. I think you're doing more harm than good. So, like, so for instance, there was one night, it was about a year ago, that our boys came down to our room, and anytime we have sex, we locked the door, and they tried to get in, and we were like, hey, we're tired, whatever,

like, just come back later. So my wife and I were like, God bless. And I think this is like the third or fourth time that it happened. The next day, I don't know if most parents would agree with this or not, but it, who cares? It's the way we handled it. We sat them down, we're like, Hey, listen, you're old enough now at the time I think they were, they were 12 and 10.

And we were like, Hey, look, we're just going to be really honest with you, okay, because we know you guys like to come up stairs and all that other good stuff and try to open the door. If the door's locked, that's time that mom and I are having together, and we knew they're gonna ask, well, what time, we're like, we're probably having sex. And they're like, oh, what, really?

Like, oh, yeah, we do that. And in fact, it's important for you to know that if you're in a marriage, you should be having sex and you should be having a lot of sex. And that's okay and that's healthy. It's like, it's not this taboo thing. So we share that with you because if you do come to the door and you try to open it, what we ask is kindly, you know, give us our space. That's really healthy.

Yeah. And so- But then were they like, what do you mean sex? Did they ask about that? No, they knew through friends and school and that kind of thing. But like, so like, they've asked me about porn. They've asked me about masturbation.

They've asked me, and I've gone, and I can go into any detail you want to probably explain that. Well, I think it's important to tell kids that to let them know and to demonstrate in front of that it's really important for mom and dad to have time together. But that's an important part of a relationship because I think parents are just like,

so freaked out about like kids finding, even their toys, like, oh, but kids can't find it. It's like, but why not? We make sex so taboo, so scary. I think, you know, I've just been thinking about this, and you're like, explain to them, that's mommy's toy or daddy. Don't reuse this for pleasure.

Our pleasure is important. I mean, however you want to use it,, and you're like, explain to them, that's mommy's toy or daddy's toy. It's what we use this for pleasure. Our pleasure is important. I mean, or however you want to use it, our time together is important, depending on their age. So I think that is healthy to let them see that when you're in a relationship, these things are, you know, rather the pretending it doesn't exist. Our goal is to gross them out at least once a day. Is to what?

Gross them out at least once a day. Right. Well, what about masturbation? How do you talk to them about that? Oh my gosh. So, and porn. Yeah How do you talk about that? Oh my gosh. So, and porn. And, yeah. Hopefully you tell him it's not real life.

No, yeah. So, I'll share with you how I've talked about masturbation. So, like my 13 year old in particular, like, he'll flat out be like, Dad, like, did you use to masturbate growing up? And I'm like, yeah. And he's like, like, how often? I was like, like, all you used to masturbate growing up? And I'm like, yeah. And he's like, like, how often? I was like, like, all the time.

Like, one time I did it six times. And like, when I was like 12 or 13. And he's like, what? So I try to make light of it, you know? That's key. Yeah. So he doesn't take it so seriously. And, you know, so he, he'll ask me, he's like,

well, you know, how did you do it? And I'm like, I'll just tell him. I'm like, well, you know, how did you do it? And I'm like, I just tell him I'm like, well, here's how I did it. Like why how are you doing it? And I won't go into that but like he'll tell me I'm like, okay, and so like he'll he'll bounce these things off of me But like it's one of those things where I very open with him about all that stuff because I want him to know like hey, man This is an everyday conversation. Yeah, that's what it has to be everyday. Yeah, it's like, hey, it's sunny outside. Oh, you can ask me anything you want about masturbation.

That's how I view it. And I don't, we don't, I mean, we cut up about it because I feel like in a way you have to make it light-hearted. Otherwise, he'll feel awkward about it. Exactly. And then that carries into his relationships. When he's older, it's awkward, it's wrong. And then, yeah, that's what we see. On the show every day, people still feel weird. They feel shame.

Every time they masturbate for many men, they just feel awful after. There's like this dread because they were told that it was, you know, telling you and wrong. Sounds like you're doing a good job there, Larry. But porn, you want me to talk about that too? Yeah, sure. So the porn talk was something I was just like,

oh my god, like how? How am I getting broached this topic? So porn, I had this whole thing planned out and the sex talk took the full two hours on the way and it's still going up. Yeah, it's not a one time conversation. No, it's not. But the porn thing I thought, like, oh my god,

we're really going to get the weeds on this and he's going to have a ton of questions, like, what am I going to say? And I did read this one book on it called Good Pictures, Bad Pictures. And it was just not that all good, all, you get what I'm saying, like, not all bad pictures or bad pictures, but like, it's a way to come down on your kids' level and be able to talk to them about porn on their level and that necessarily like, oh hey, if you go on the porn hub, you know what I mean? So he just got a phone. So I told him, I'm like, look, we've had the sex talk, we've had the masturbation talk, we need to have this talk.

I was like, so he's a huge Star Wars fan. Take this for what it's worth. He's a huge Star Wars fan. I was like, okay, sex has, you know, in some people's minds, sex people, some sex is good, and then there's a dark side to it too. And, you know, porn is not necessarily the good side of sex. I was, he's like, what do you mean? I was like, well, I was like, here's the deal with porn. I was like, now that you have a phone,

I was like, you're either gonna see it or your friends are gonna show it to you. But there are certain things that you're able to see on iPads or computers or phones or whatever, like other people having sex. And he's like, what are you talking about? Like he was like completely blown away. I was like, there's a big industry out there called the porn industry. I was like, where you can view other people having sex. And he's like, why would people do that? And I'm like, well, people make a lot of money doing that. I was like where you can view other people having sex and he's like, why would people do that? And I'm like, well, people make a lot of money doing that. I was like, so the people who make the movies make a lot of money,

the actors and the movies make a lot of money. I was like, look, here's the thing. I'll answer any question that you want about it. I was like, I just want to give you a heads up that sooner or later, one of your friends is going to bring this up on their phone. You might stumble across it on your phone, and here's what I want. You'll never be in trouble if you see it.

I don't want you to shame yourself. I don't want you to feel guilty. I don't want you to feel like dad's gonna be so mad at me. Just come and talk to me about it. You're never gonna be in trouble. You're never gonna be punished. So come and talk to me about it so we can have more open conversation.

And I thought he was gonna hit me with a ton of questions. And he was like, okay, he's like cool. He's like, thanks for telling me that. And that was it. And- He hasn't come up to you with the questions. He hasn't. So I don't-

Okay, the thing is yeah, and then when he does, you're like, yeah, well, it's not actually how you should actually have sex. Right. You're doing great, Larry. Well, thanks. I'm so happy for you. Try to learn You're doing great, Larry. Well, thanks. I'm so happy for you. Try to learn from experts like you, Emily.

Oh, God. I'm so glad. I'm learning from you. Our listeners are learning from you. How can they learn more? Tommy Larry, what can they do in your orbit? Because I think you're providing really great services for Manhattan.

How could they join you? Well, I mean, everything we do, you can find a good dev project.com podcast is good dev project.com. Forge-s. Podcast. If you want to jump into what our masterminds all about, that's our live up front virtual mastermind. It's called the Data Edge Alliance mastermind community. You can just go to good.project.com.fort slash alliance for that.

I have questions, I have cookie questions, I ask all my guests. Let's do it. I like the quickies. Okay. Yeah. Right.? Which your biggest turnum? It's great. Yeah, it is quick. So I'll have a quick answer. My wife and I, since we have four boys, we've got this big master bedroom closet and we call it closet cleaning.

But my wife loves quickies and so do I. So we'll be like, okay, we need to go clean the closet real quick. And we'll literally go in there for like four minutes and I think I've married to this woman. She can literally get off that quickly, which is awesome. That's awesome. And so yeah, cleaning the closet, like totally turns me on.

I love it. Closet. Vegas turn off. High maintenance women. Okay. What makes good sex? What makes good sex enthusiasm? Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships.

Oh, man. Gosh, I've made so many mistakes. I have to go. But something I would tell myself is learn how to love and communicate with the other person versus thinking only about yourself inwardly. Number one, sex tip. Four play starts first thing in the morning and never ends. Yeah, I like it.

Thank you, Larry. Good job. Thank you for coming here, join me. That's a lot of everything. I love having you here. I think this is a great service for men everywhere. You as well. All right, guys, thanks for listening to the show and supporting the show.

Let me know what you thought of the interview with Larry. What topics would you like to hear on this show? I love hearing from you as always, and thanks for supporting the show. We're viewing the show, subscribing, and thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Kristen, Michelle, Alisa, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you?

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