Sex With Emily - Keeping it Kinky, Cuddly & Clean

Episode Date: May 30, 2018

On today’s show, Emily is joined by Deputy Jamie where they're talking about best practices for sex and dating. The two discuss dirty sex – literally, who’s having kinkier sex, and why flashing your cash might not make you relationship material. Plus, Emily is taking calls on getting your partner to cuddle, how to fix a marriage after an open relationship, and how to deal with your partner’s friends who don’t understand alternative relationships. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep this podcast FREE: UVee, Adam & Eve, Promescent Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily on Today's show I'm taking your calls and helping you with sex, relationships, and everything in between from best bedroom practices to who's having kinkier sex. All this and more, thanks for listening. Best by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized they call them in a fight on day. Hey, Abelene, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my!

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I want to feel so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good.

You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between for more information. Go to sexwithemily.com and check out our website, which is amazing. Jamie, who's here with me, makes it truly amazing. Thanks for bringing charge of all that and everything else you do. Of course, it's so fun. Jamie, you're so good. I'm so glad you're here with me today. Also, if one should find us on the website, find us also on social media. It's at sex with Emily across the board. How you doing, Jamie?

I'm doing quite well. How are you today? Good. How was your masturbation month? It's almost over. It is almost over. It's going quite well. How are you today? God, how was your masturbation month? It's almost over. It is almost over. It's going quite well. I'm trying to switch up my routine a little bit because I'm very lazy. You're lazy, masturbating. I am. And I don't know. It's just like, because I'm very like just quick to the point. It's actually funny. So we have this blog that just came out on the site

by one of our new writers and she actually is really into astrology and terror reading and all this different stuff. So she did a masturbation horoscope. And I was like, okay, this is going to be interesting. You know, we've never really done like a Zodiac thing on the site. And I, you know, I always enjoy reading those kinds of things. Like even if I don't always believe them, it's just fun, you know, to see, oh, doesn't match me or not. So I'm reading her Aries masterbater thing, and I'm like, oh my God, she's a compolyly spot on. It's saying that the Aries, knows that, like, doesn't beat around the bush, knows what it wants, and when an Aries wants to, yeah, exactly. When an Aries wants to orgasm, they want it, and they want it now. And I was like, oh my God, that's me. That's so funny. I want, so this is going to be, it's they want it now and I was like, oh my God, that's me. Really? That's so funny.

I want, so this is gonna be, it's on the site now. We just posted it. Okay. Interesting. Yeah, and so, I mean, it's just, so. I feel like people, everyone reads the horoscope, I think, everyone's the well. So why not make it up to something that's actually useful?

Exactly. It's fun. I know, it is fun. I didn't read mine yet, but you said the Gemini sounded like it was very me. Yeah, no, it was very, you're, because it was saying that you are very intellectually stimulated and that, you know, you do, like, you know, dirty talk is great, so it's like, it gives tips

on what you can do to get out of your masturbation rut if you are in one and it's like, try dirty talking to yourself, which was what it said for yours, which I think would be just talk seriously. I'm sorry, talking to myself. Yeah, while you're basically. When I'm asking everybody like, hey, I'm harder, faster, you're so sexy. Yeah, like whatever fantasy that you're fantasizing about, just like say it all out.

That's an audible person. Yeah, okay, that's good. Well, I'm gonna have to check that out. I had a sex drowlager on the show when we first started. I wonder if people would be interested in that. Let us know. Read your sex horoscope. Yeah, let us know if it's spot on, because it was for me.

Yeah, speaking of dirty talk, what about dirty sex, James? Sex in the news here. We're going to go through a few things. And I think I feel like people need to know these things. Yes. Here's some bedroom practices to avoid any unwanted infections. And- Oh, so actual dirty sex.

Actual dirty sex, exactly. What about dirty, dirty sex? That. Like, dirty, dirty sex. That you guys, you gotta be clean. If we talk about this all the time, we want you to practice safe sex. It's very important. Use condoms, all that. But that's not just about birth control

and protecting infections. We're talking about washing up, wrapping up, peeing after sex. These are all things that you can hear maybe once, and you do it maybe once or twice. Like, oh, I'm always going to go to the bathroom after sex. That's two women. And man, but for women, that's how we get these infections, UTIs. Yeah.

Yeah, pee. No, and I think you're right about the washing up. Totally, like, I never really realized it before, because I've never really been like, how weird is it to be like making out with someone and all the stuff and being like, oh wait, did you wash your hands? I know, you're like, okay, mom, like it's not sexy unless they're into that kind of thing. But right, you feel like a nag, but they have to.

Yeah, and I had a recent, actual recent thing that happened to me, you know, I was with the person that I'm seeing and, you know, he was eating Taco Bell, which I mean, don't look for all the haters out there. I love me some Taco Bell, everyone's in a while. They're getting you wrong. Right, it doesn't. Life's short.

But, you know, we were about to hook up after, and I was like, um, because he was really messy this time when he was eating. I was like, this might be weird, but like, can you go wash your hands? Because I wasn't eating it. I was like, I had already eaten or whatever. And he was kind of looked at me and he's just like,

I mean, yeah, but, and I was like, well, I'm just saying, like, I watch to eat that and like, I just need you to wash your hands. No, good. It's true. Well, now I can't not have someone like, do you still need to go to the bathroom when they come out and they've washed their hands?

But here's why you guys, you know, we've never prepared a meal without washing your hands, obviously. And we always wash our hands after using the bathroom, so sex deserves the same preparation. And it seems really basic, but our hands, they carry bacteria or hot sauce or something that can cause these in bladder infections. That's what I get nervous about too. Like someone, you know, yeah, they touch a hot sauce, they're cutting an onion, they touch you with that.

No, that's so true. I know. So wash your hands. Really, spread infections. Also, the peeing before and after sex, women have to urinate before and after sexual No, that's so true. I know. So wash your hands. Really, spread infections. Also the peeing before and after sex, women have to urinate before and after sexual intercourse to prevent UTIs and stay hydrated. And even if you don't have to pee, you have to pee.

Do you follow this, James? I've gone and phases where I'm better at it now. I'm a really good face. Yeah, I was literally going to that sometimes sometimes I don't but I You know what I don't get what I mean, I guess it's I do get it because there wasn't that much actual sex talk in my sex ed But why like that's something that should be in sex ed like I never heard that Oh until until you were here. Yeah, I mean like I heard it from somewhere else I just think with you like yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and I'll know you know It's like yeah, I get it why people don't think they thinking of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'll know, you know, it's like, yeah, I get it.

Why people don't think they should, but it is true that you don't, whether you're using condoms or not, you're using, you just had another, let's see, you just had sex, you had something else inside of you. Yeah, I'm flush out. You use a vibrator. Flush it out.

It's bacteria, flush it out, pee it out, it takes two seconds. Before you fall asleep, just do it. No, it's just, I'm gonna be better about it. Yeah. Yeah, Whenever I've gotten oftentimes I've gotten a UTI, I can trace it a lot of times to trace it back to the old not peeing. That insects them like a jacuzzi or something. Yeah, that too. Be very careful. Okay, don't do anal and then do anything else without cleaning up first. Okay, so anal is, I'm cool, but anal is your

first stop, but it has to be your last stop. And then shower. And then start over and do something else. You can't go from back to front. You gotta clean up after anal, because you can transfer that bacteria and it absolutely leads to infections. Whether it's in your hands or done it also. You know, you're anal licking, all that stuff, anal,

analing, everyone's much more interested in anal play in a much more specific way. I think not just anal sex, I feel like men and women are like a lot more straight men too We're asking about playing with their anus and But play you stick your fingers in your mouth your your penis condoms You got to wash up after you have to not an issue put your finger in the butt and then inside or touching anything else No, it's that this isn't common sound knowledge either? I mean, I would hope so.

I think that maybe those people would. We're having a lot of people with. We can't even stop here with those three, but we've got a few more, but. No, what I think so. I mean, I don't really dabble in the anal play as much. So I don't really have this issue, but I do think it's true. I don't know, this is gonna be kind of gross,

but think about it, that's how you get pink eye is poo particles in your eye, on your pillow or something. But think about it. Like, you know, that's how you get pink eye is poop articles in your eye, like on your pillow or something. So think about that. That's just in your eye, like in your vagina or other places. It's not going to be good. God, why do you mention pink eye? You're right. Sorry. You put the cold compress in your head. You're, you're, you're, you're, you're ever get pink eye? Yeah, like when I was like younger. Yeah. Okay. Summer camp. So you guys, um, yeah, you know, that's, that's a thing. And also, I mean, there's the problem though, being a sex person, sex educator,

that happens to me, there's any aim to play. I'm like, like, if it's my finger, anything, I'm like, holding it off the bed, because I just know you gotta wipe it down, you gotta wash it off. Like, there can't be any fecal matter around, like, sex is, er, er, come so hot. That's why I think it's great to save aim to play.

For the last thing, yeah. For the finale, if you will. And with the back end. Okay, avoid oral sex with unfamiliar partners. I know, this is not my next popular. I know, but oral sex comes with a lot of STI risks. Okay, so this is not new news at all. None of this is, but to decrease risks,

cover male generals with a condom and female parts of the dental dam, I'll be honest, you guys, no one does this. No, I don't do that. No, there is a study that just came out about music festivals, which we're gonna talk about. People having oral sex at music festivals all over the world, like 36%, they just met, I guarantee you.

Yeah, and I doubt any of them are caring dental dams. No, they're not, no one, no, I've never even literally, I've only seen a dental dam when someone sent me one. And they are at stores, but the truth is, no one's gonna do this. But I'm just telling you, there's a risk and you gotta be careful. No, and I've heard seen a dental family and someone's family one and they are at stores, but the truth is no one's gonna do this But I'm just telling you there's a risk and you gotta be careful No, and I've heard I've heard that actually like there's a lot more risks with that as far as like infections And people only think that they're gonna get infections like through like genital to genital Yeah, there are risk. Yes, there are risks. So I think just I don't know you guys

I always think caution to wait. Yeah, use caution. Okay. These caution, but don't say I don't know you guys, I always think caution to wait. Yeah, use caution, okay? Use caution, but don't say I didn't tell you. So, we're conventering sex. We know this. The best way to prevent the spread of infections, other than abstaining. And STIs, unfortunately, cannot be detected visually, not all of them. Even your partner seems clean and spikin' span.

Spikin' span. You're spikin' span? I do. The clean and spikin' span. Spikin' span. Never spikin' span. I do. The clean and spikin' span, you can eat off of it. Even if their genitalia looks so nice that you could just, there could be a backsham.

Oh, wash up after sex. Yes, okay, honestly, so think about it. When you're done with sex, it's like with sex, I don't care, okay, it could be, I could touch a completely dry penis. Afterwards, my hand smells like penis. You think that penis doesn't have a smell. Oh, it does. It does.

True. And it's not that it's just, I like the smell of it. However, I don't kind of want it on my hands three hours later when I, especially if it's morning sex, I go to work, I don't need to be bringing that my hands three hours later when I like you know, especially if it's morning sex I go to work like I don't need to be bringing that no honey. Thank you We share like the coffee thing here and yeah, no I wash my hands after that like more like cool or so after you know Yeah, you guys it's hygiene you can have wipes by the bed too. I'm a fan of the wipes. Just wash up after Just got it. I know. I know we all just want to follow her and go to roll her and go to sleep

Sex is messy be cool with that, but if you wash no, I like the wipes idea next to the bed. Oh, you don't have those I do But I like yeah, so I need to keep on like super close to my bed. Yeah, you do like right there in the night stand It's amazing and you actually don't see it up. You do have a nice down. No, I have a table You need you don't have drawers. I should give you this one that I just got Then I'm not keeping because one that I just got. That I'm not keeping because of the number of drawers. She has one drawer. Come over and get my one drawer, nightstand.

I need like 16 drawers. I literally do, with holes in the back to charge things. So that's what the UV is for. Our sex twig cleaning, our sex twig cleaner. I can leave the wipes on top of the UV. Well, because you took exactly,, you could or in the UV. In the UV. It's taken about when you use it.

Yeah, I store everything there. Do you use your UV? I do. I have like, well, I don't think it's so funny. So I do, but then I always move my womanizer to go back underneath my pillow afterwards. Like, I don't store it in there. Right. Because it under my pillow, like it close to me.

You could charge it there. Well, it's funny actually, because I'm reading, I didn't store it in there. Like, I can put it under my pillow. I get close to me. You could charge it. Well, that's funny actually, because I'm reading, I didn't even know but the next point is including, you have to clean your sex toys right away. Don't leave your sex toys lying around dirty in a drawer under the bed. Make a habit, carry them to the bathroom with you

so they eat, clean up after playtime because when you leave them out, it creates a biofilm of bacteria, if not clean properly, which can create a risk of infection. And people don't realize you can get a vaginal infection from an unclean toy. And this is our good friend, Carrie, who started UV, which is a toy cleaning system. I don't know if we've talked about it, like as much on the show in the last few shows,

but it stores cleans, sanitizes your toys and kills all 99.9% of all harmful bacteria. It's genius. Yeah, an action. I put my phone in it. I put my phone in it too. Am I jewelry, am I makeup brushes? Like every night. I'm actually getting a little bit anal.

It's not where I can think of getting a little festityist about my phone. I'm trying to clean it off every night. I was doing the wipes, but now I just put it in there with my phone. I phone my jewelry. It's all clean.. There's a lot of stuff on your phone. Anything about it. We take it with us everywhere. We take our phone as the dirtiest thing we own probably, and as women, our purse is too. Yeah. I don't even think of that. Yeah, I don't put it on your bed. I don't. I always put them on the floor. Got it on the chair. But I don't say, I have a chair that I don't know when

it sits on. It's just a storage chair. That's good, everyone needs a storage chair, but that's you should put it, you guys, just be clean. I think this is good, I think I'll listen to this. I think this is good, I actually, I feel a lot cleaner just for reading that. Okay, here's something else, James, I wanted to go through and see what you think, see what the listeners think. Okay, women perceive men who extrovertly,

which is not really a word, but maybe it is here in this study, just play their wealth as unsuitable partners for long-term relationships. So when a man throws money around and flash cars, people apparently intuitively interpret his behavior as a sign he's more interested in short-term sexual relationships than in a romantic commitment. Hmm. Yeah, so if a guy's, you know, okay, this is, you've heard of men, what it means of men has a super flashy car. Yeah, they're over compensating.

Over compensating for smaller attributes. Smaller attributes. And it's always kind of a joke, kind of a, you know, we kind of make this dig at men, but it's interesting to say here that the study is saying that it's actually, you know, that it's whenever they fill their money around, I'm flashy cars or nice watches or all these things that women are just going to perceive them. The study says they're going to perceive them as less able to be a great provider and assume that they are just looking for quick partners and looking for sex flings. Flings for sex. That is interesting because I think for me, I just don't think it's super attractive

when someone's flashing their cash around and making it seem like they're like this big deal in that way because to me, that just is cocky and I just, I don't know, that's all you have to offer is a lot of money which I mean, don't get me wrong. I would be taken out to a super fancy restaurant dinner, but I don't want the person. Humbleness is such more of an attractive quality, but I do find it interesting that they wouldn't be a suitable life partner who can provide for their children because if they do have money, then that's just interesting.

Right, because you think that women are looking for it. This is why I found this study kind of flawed, because it says, but then I'll tell you my thoughts on this. First off, it says that women read, they read the descriptions of two men or the groups. They read the groups, read the descriptions of two men who were purchasing cars. So they rated each character under dating

and parenting behaviors. So one man, they had, okay, so both men had the same budget. So one man was frugal and he made this investment. He said, I'm buying a new car, a really reliable new car. And the other guy got a used car, but it's been a lot of money, like, flashing it up with paint and wheels and impressive sound systems, like subwoofer, you know, something like that. And the women were like, you know, in the studies, thought that the one who was more reliable would be better for a long-term commitment

and the one who was, the one who was frugal. What is it? Okay. The flashy man was more attractive to him and for brief sexual encounters. She thought, well, if he's doing all that stuff with the car, he's probably looking for a bunch of other women, but the man who was reliable,

obviously make a good partner. Now, I'm thinking, if you're reading this, you're probably gonna be like, oh yeah, that's just not, that's not impressive at all. Like, he should probably, why is he spending all these money on things? But I think there's been many a woman who's been swept off her feet by a guy who drives by,

you know, Maserati, or Ferrari. Yeah, no, that's temporarily speaking. Yeah. Or maybe a lot of women, some women really value that. Emma, they value people who have, who spend a lot of money on things. But I think it's sort of like, I think that we can kind of tell,

if a guy I believe that I can tell if someone is leading with their car, like there's always these little nuanced things that guys do with their watch, or their, you know, men with like flashy watches, or their car, and you can tell if they're like on purpose, like picking you up, or they're with their watch or their men, where like the flashy watches or their car. And you can tell if they're like on purpose, like picking you up or they're making a show of their car, they're really impressed by it.

When they're leading by the things that they own, like I've had guys who are nice houses and like, oh, I want you to come see my house or let me pick you up or let me talk to you about all these things that I own, because I think that there are women who are measuring guys by how much money they make and what they can provide. But I guess I feel that I've just never, personally, as a woman, found that really attractive of a guy spending more time trying to, I can feel it. You can feel it out. It's not genuine.

It doesn't seem genuine. What I think is, I don't know if this is always true, not that I've ever been gone out with someone that has something like a Maus I don't know if this is always true, not that I've ever been gone out with someone that has something like a Maus rady, but when a guy has a, not as flashy car, just kind of a practical regular car, more likely to get out and open the car door for me than a guy that has a nicer car. Really? Yeah, I think you're right.

And I don't know why that is. I don't know if they say that. Because they don't open the doors. Do cars still not open that are old cars to you? You got to lift up the thing. No, it exists anymore But I mean no, I mean I just feel like I don't know if that's just because the guy in the nicer car is like well You I obviously am awesome because I have a nice car so you can open the car and not that I need Someone Yeah, but they do right it's so nice when men are gentlemen are gentlemen

Yeah, I think you're right. You put the car in park and you went around. Here's the other thing I want to say to you guys, I think that women, if they're just going to date you for the car because you have these nice things, it means that you feel that you have to lead with that and how does that feel to you too. I think that guys should just work on their inside, just like women, work on being a really good person inside and outside is important. When I moved to LA, I actually went out with a guy with them. This is how not a car person am.

And he had a Mazerati. But it doesn't say Mazerati on the inside. And I didn't, okay, our first date he picked me up, he didn't have a Mazerati. And I guess the second date he did. And I didn't notice you know me. Any change. And he's like, we dropped, we went to restaurant.

He's like, did you notice my new car? I'm like, I actually didn't. And he's like, you didn't notice you know me, any change. And he's like, we dropped, we went to restaurants, and he's like, did you notice my new car? I'm like, I actually didn't. And he's like, you didn't see that like, that's a big deal for many, a person, many women. But then I got back in it. It doesn't say Maserati on the inside. Like I got into the car, it was dark out. And maybe I should know, but I wasn't impressed.

And I think he was trying to impress. Thought that I would be impressed. He's like, I only invented this car for you. He's like, I rented this. I have to get it back in three hours. I'm like, not impressed. Not Thought that I would be impressed. He's like, only you've run to this bar for you. He's like, I rented this, I have to get it back in three hours. I'm like, not impressed. Not saying that someone would be there so much more. He did take me for a good meal.

Okay, so, all right. Oh my God. Yeah, it's funny, right? I did not. I did not. No. Inside the secret lives of millennials. God, we can't get enough of millennials and sex.

It's always seem to study here lately. That's me. You're the millennial. So Jamie, I asked you here today for a reason. This is the skin condom survey. We talked about this a few weeks ago on the show, but here's some other stats, I think, are quite interesting. I want to know what you think about this.

Sex is more important than Starbucks. Duh. Yeah, anytime someone's like, no, I really look forward to my latte instead of sex. There's something really going on there. Okay, but this is one of those 80% of response they give up coffee for sex. I hope. I get that. Okay. How about the old adage, no glove, no love is still very much an effect. Do you find that to be true? That 60% of respondents are using condoms always most of the time or sometimes,

and 73% of singles and 70% of those in casuals, these condoms always are most time. So I mean, I've been seeing the same person for quite a while now, but when I was having more casual sex, I was always the person with the condom. So I mean, I guess from my point of view, like yeah, you know, you use it because I don't know you or where your penis has been. Also though, and I'm not look, I know it's a double standard

to think that men should be the ones carrying the condoms, but I just thought it was just odd that I had to be the one all the time to say, hey, let me grab the condom. I only had one guy that was always so good about it. Just always like, had them, was ready for it. That's good, you always had to have them. You always had them on you.

Yeah, like I always had Loub and... Good for you. Condoms and my hers. Little backpack, little fanny pack of Loub and... Yeah, like all the time. And if I wasn't having sex and my friend was going to, it'd be like, here you go. If there's one thing, I think that's amazing, Jay.

You are setting a good example because this study also says that women are taking charge that men are longer expected to supply the condoms and that is super positive. And so I think that one of the results that really sticks out is that women are taking their sexual health seriously and they are bringing the condoms along. And I just hope that there's the women listening to this who realize it like, yes, when you're leaving at night

and you put in your lip gloss, your keys, your ID, throw in a condom. So easy to do. Yeah, and I think it is important for all people to carry it, but at the same time, there's a little part of me that I'm just like, that's just one more thing guys get to be lazy about.

Right, but they will be. And men, women are lazy too, I think that there's, okay, I know what you're saying, but it hasn't happened to the point yet where women are even taking the initiative that much. That's true. And I think that if women just leave it up to them, just for when I know talking to,

I guess a lot of people, I'm all ages, I don't think it's just millennials that, there's a lot of times where, I guess we're talking about heterosexual couples, but I'm sure it's everywhere that there's always one partner. You can't always rely on someone to have condoms. There has to be both of you have to be thinking about it, because you're more likely to be protected,

I guess what I'm saying. True. I just wish one time like a be like one, two, three, and you both pulling out. Yeah, that would be so cool. That would be so cool. But I feel like talking to you, I'd be like, oh, well, he didn't ask and I didn't know.

I think that there's still the way I'm doing condoms. Which one is the better one? Which one is the better one? It's kind of useful. I think that condoms get a better out. That would be so fun. I know. And there's like the variety packs of condoms,

like you could try, like, skin makes the, and lifestyle makes the variety packs. Yeah. You could try like skin makes the in-life cells makes the variety packs Yeah, you could try like six different kinds in a you know To see what you like I think they shouldn't assume just like you shouldn't assume anything about your section your sex life like that certain things Are gonna always feel the same way and things change over time if you you might just have found the kind that you like the most because Penises are different sizes and they have different feelings to them and you might be allergic to latex which is why skin connobs are great. So keep shopping around for connobs but definitely use them.

Double standards. We love our double standards. They're alive and well. Apparently double standards are alive and well. When it comes to how we perceive female sexuality, we haven't made as much progress as we'd like to think. When asked how they perceive a woman with multiple sex partners, 54 said they'd review her negatively.

God, how are we solving these conversations? When men have multiple partners, they throw them a party. Who's judging? I'm happy everyone's having sex. But women are harder on each other. Yeah, and I think, I don't know, just, I'm just been thankful, I guess, that at my age and the people that I associate with,

it is not looked down upon, so. That's true. It kinda, it just depends, I think it depends on how you grew up in the... How you grew up, where you grew up, and who you hang out with. Exactly. Because you can find your people

that are just as sex positive and open as you are. I can guarantee you, I probably don't have the same friends in my life that I had when I started this show. There might. I can guarantee you I probably don't have the same friends in my life that I had when I started this show. There might have been some people that, I don't know, not obviously really close friends that were like, oh no, I really don't want to be around all that sex talking. You know, you can find your people that would not judge you.

And if there are where you close women friends, you're like, that's really sluddy, or that's whatever they're saying to you, they're not your people. I think those aren't your friends. Exciting. Older people are kinkier. Older millennials are kinkier.

I guess older people in general. With age, you come as more kink. Older respondents, age 30, 36, are using kinkier sexual accessories, 42% incorporating anal beads, 37% handcuffs, 42% are videotaping sexual encounters. I hope they're deleting them right after and using whips. I think that makes sense. Mm-hmm.

I think so. Yeah. I mean, you're just probably by that point, depending on how many sexual encounters you've had, it's more likely that you've had more or you feel more comfortable by that time. And so you're like, okay, now that I've finally cut the basics down, let's switch it up.

Let's add some whips. It's true. And I have to say that that's a really good point. That it's when you're 20s, maybe you have more friends that are judging you or that you're that are going to be thinking about how you can be you've slept with. And I don't think that is the case when you get older. You just don't have those people you don't care.

You don't have those people around you that you think are not going to have your back. I think you can make those choices too in your 20s. If you hear people who are listening, if you've got a group of friends, if you've got friends who are always gossiping about each other, let's say you're a group of friends. One friend who's always talked about another friend and you're wondering is she or he talking about you? I guarantee you they are. Probably. They are. Probably.

They are. And it's okay if it's like light fun stuff. Like, oh yeah, she's always late. Ha-ha-ha. And you'd say the same thing to your friend's face. But if you're friends who are toxic and they're gossiping everyone in the group, it's probably not the healthiest friendship group. It's something I learned. That's a good, I can't, literally I can't hang out with those peeps. It just, yeah, doesn't feel good. Go towards the light people. I can't hang out with those papers. It just, yeah, doesn't feel good. Go towards the light people.

All right, thanks, James. Of course. I'm glad to be able to. Bottom line, I guess, my takeaway, and I'm quoted in this article, so I will quote my quote, it's that sex is still a big part of Millennial's lives and every once in a while. I do hear these discouraging reports

that no one's that they're not enjoying sex, but this is good news. I love that they're having sex multiple times a week's that they're not enjoying sex, but this is good news. I love that they're having sex multiple times a week and that they're satisfied with their sex lives. And I think this extends to a lot of our listeners as well. Mm-hmm. Okay, let's get on to the show. Thanks for having me, Amy.

Okay, we're going to take a quick break and when we come back, I'm getting into your calls. Okay, now we're going to get onto your calls and I love answering your questions. It's why I exist. Why am I here on the planet? If you have a question you want me to answer on the show, text Ask Emily, all one word to 7979-79, fill out the short form or you can go to my website, section of the Emily.com, click on the Ask Emily all one word to 7979. 7979, fill out the short form. You can go to my website, section of the Emily.com, click on the Ask Emily tab.

And if you want to be called, which I love, it's simple to just enter yes, on the, would you like to be called question? And please include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Thanks. We have Jay, he's 38 from Seattle, and he's in an open relationship.

His wife lost interest in him, lost trust. And you still still want to be with our Aniden open relationship. Hey Jay. Hi there. Hi. Okay. Tell me tell me a little history here. What's going on? So my wife and I we have been married for eight years and we've been together for about 14, which is basically our entire adult lives for both in our late 30s about a year ago

We started talking about an open relationship so that we could explore sex with other people That in hindsight we didn't really set a lot of explicit boundaries or even Goals for what we were trying to accomplish. We just thought we wanted to have sex with other people. We were married and that spark wasn't exactly like a major driver in our marriage. After a few months I would say I really kind of blew up. One thing she has acknowledged in hindsight is that she fell in love with one of the people that she started to see. She really fell hard for him and that drove a big wedge in between the house. I'm not super interested in the polyamory lifestyle having learned a lot about it now and having read a lot. She says and she's insistent and I believe her that she loves being the more as a partner as a friend and I don't generate

the butterflies for her that this new relationship did. So we're struggling through that. We're seeing therapists and we're doing a lot of reading and listening to podcasts and things like this. But the way that she sees it is that she has a real attraction problem towards me and I don't have much of an interest in a wife who is just a roommate. So we're trying to figure out ways

that we can build some excitement in our marriage and look at non-monogamy as a way of adding something to our marriage rather than replacing something that's missing. Right, right. No, thank you. That was good. I totally get the background now, Jay.

Well, first of all, it sounds like it's been rough a little bit to hear that and to, to kind of open up with these possibilities and then kind of hear that, that she fell in love with someone. I understand that. That's, that is not going to be easy, but what I can say is, I like that you're saying that you're, that you're seeing it therapist and you guys are trying to make it work right now. And also that you're, you're understanding that in relationships attraction can ebb and flow, and so she's saying now she's not attracted to you. But I think that there are ways that couples can tap back into that initial chemistry and reconnect with each other. But the challenge here is that you did what a lot of couples do. They think, well, there's a problem. We probably just want to have sex with someone else. They just go out and they do it, and they don't, and you're like,

a lot of couples, we don't know any better, because we don't have a lot of great models for how to do this and how to have an open relationship. But typically couples would discuss that they'd have rules or they should have rules and boundaries and you know, if things like there's a certain number of days a week that you could see somebody else and how much are you that'll just sleep over? Do you want to know everything or do you want to know nothing? And so I think couples realize this as they go along. They like, first of all, they talk ahead of time,

like how would it feel if this happened? And you try to do your best to kind of think about what might feel right to you. And then you go ahead and it's kind of trial and error, right? Try by fire because this typically can happen. That someone gets hurt to like, oh, I didn't want to know everything happening with you. I just was okay if you had sex, right?

Like so you get to, each couple gets to decide their own boundaries and rules. So you guys kind of blew past that. And so now you're trying to like maybe still have an open relationship and to build. So I think that if I were you, I would take off the open relationship out of the table right now and I take other partners away

and just try to kind of rebuild what you guys have. And if you can work with accounts, are you guys working with someone who kind of specializes in this or who works with couples who have dealt with open relationships or alternative relationships? Yeah, it took us a while to find the right person. We've gone to see a couple of just general marriage counselors and honestly, like, the first two people that we saw sat there with stand looks on their faces and that makes sense. We opened the acknowledge that it was out of their depth, but we are seeing somebody now who's a lot more comfortable with like the less

of a nila aspects of relationships. Okay. And we are on hold on the open relationship front while we work on ourselves. And that's something that has continually been a challenge in that she acknowledges that she has these longing feelings where she misses this other, the other guy. That's a real challenge for both of us. Right. I know that she feels that way, and she feels that way.

So we struggle through that, and we're working on it. We're trying to find a way forward where I can have trust in her that she's not going to just run off with somebody else, and that she feels as though she's not just trying to plug something that's missing in her life. Right. Well, that's often what happens, because I she's obviously you guys are still very much in love But what happens when it's kind of like she had to fare even though you kind of knew it was happening But we tend to attach to someone who brings something new and different than what our partner brings

So you could be doing everything wonderful the same way you always did But this guy presented some variety and something different So I doubt that it's really about him and it's more about you know What was kind of lacking in your relationship on both sides. So if you guys are kind of rebuilding then you guys are really looking into what, you know, what turned you both on and what Like sexually how you guys can connect, reconnect again and learn kind of rebuild and find out what turned you both on and like start with touch Take sex off the table like there's different exercises and stuff you can do But as far as like trust, that's also something

that I love that you're in theory because a lot of couples think well he apologized, she apologized after if something happens and we can move on. But trust is can be tricky to rebuild. So I think that continuing to see the therapist, even it feels like it's kind of a drain, it's something that you really have to stick with it.

I can't tell you what the future brings for you guys, but I would say that sticking with therapy and really honest, honest communication about what you both truly want. Now, even though you're going backwards, you can figure out what does it look like for you? Would you still be okay if she was sleeping with someone but it wasn't this guy, eventually down the road? What does she want from you, sexually? How was sex in the beginning with you guys?

I'm sorry. When was the last time sex was really great with you guys? Do you remember when you guys had that connection? That's one of the things that has been confounding through this whole process is that we still have sex and we still have what I would or what I had always thought of as good sex. I don't know about great sex. I don't know that we've ever felt great sex and part of that is a lot to be very close. Okay, so what would it be? So I think you guys could do a fun, like, what is great sex look like to our, like, if

you guys ever had that conversation when you break it down and you're like, let's talk about what feels good to you, what feels good to me. Let's write down some things we want to try and discuss them. I mean, I think you guys are probably have to write them down. You can have a great conversation where you're like, what's the best sex you have we're had? What's the most memorable sex that we had together? How can we build on it?

What are her fantasies? Does she masturbate? What does she think about? What do you think about? Because this is the fun part. Like if you go into it, not like it's a dread, like, oh, god, we gotta rebuild it. And you're like, no, let's wipe a clean slate if we can. And let's start talking about sex again

from a really honest, open place of discovery, discovery and curiosity about what is possible for our sex life. What could we do that would feel good to both of us? Because if you lay things on the table, you kind of negotiate and figure out what works for you both. And just that process of talking about it and getting closer could actually be the fuel because if you lay things on the table, you kind of negotiate and figure out what works for you both. And just that process of talking about it and getting closer could actually be the fuel

that you need to rekindle your sex life together. Yeah, I think we've seen some positive steps in that direction and something that therapists really pushes these activities where you go through checklists and you are kind of guided through the process of trying to discover what works for you. One of the disappointing parts of the process is that I often find myself feeling as though I'm all in on it that I'm super or anxious and willing to talk about these things, which we'd never talked about before, like we never talked about kinks or the less mainstream things that we're into. But she's often quite resistant to it and the way that she explains it is that it's kind

of like talking to your cousin about these things and that's something that's really challenging to listen to and to hear. So I think what you're saying is you just have to keep doing it and keep plugging away. And I think you've got to be tough then now. Here's the thing Jay, I want you to really stand up and ask for what you really want and what you really need. That doesn't feel good when she says you feel like a cousin and whatever, not giving you the, if she keeps putting that on,

that's really hard for you to move forward with this. That's hurtful and that will shut you down. So you can let her know when you say that. It doesn't feel great to me. So I understand that right now we're not connected but let's talk about what could connect us. Because if she's living in the past and she thinks that this guy's gonna come in

and he's gonna make everything great because she had a great little fling with some guy who wasn't you because it was deridey, you know, if she really wants to make it work, then she's gonna have to try something else here as well. And that's gonna be you aside all the past and all the things, but really trying to come out from a new perspective.

Clean slate, where you guys are at now, and how you can move forward. Because you get to stand up too, because right now, Jay, you can't move forward. All this stuff has already happened in the past, and there's no way that you can move, you can go back to how it was, and you have to build a healthy and you have to big build a health

come. You have to pay the healthy path moving forward right now and you cannot hold back either J because if you you're going you're doing the work but if you feel like she's not meeting you and she's not doing the work and she's just like oh you feel like a cousin and then you you have to have yourself a time limit too. Like if in three months from now or six months from now and you're in therapy and you keep going and you feel like there's no progress in a part you get to have your give yourself a time limit too like if in three months from now or six months from now and you're in therapy and you keep going and you feel like there's no progress in a part you get to stand up for yourself and say I've tried here like it's you know you'll know when the time is right but you you need her to be participating this as well yeah yeah the status quo is

quite quite unappealing and it's very terrifying to think about the status quo of just like floating through this forever and ever and ever work it feels like work and I think what you said earlier really resonates in something that I said a few times that I don't want to work. I don't like I know that there's an element of work to every relationship but I don't want the stuff that's supposed to be fun to feel like it. Right, like put the fun back into your sex life. Like kind of make it lighter. Like if she's making more serious you've got to kind of just come together on this and make it so it's not

as much as fun work I guess. It's the to kind of just come together on this and make it so it's not as much as fun work, I guess. It's the fun kind of homework. But also what happens in these kind of things, years could go by. So I'm telling you, whatever the date is now, look at your calendar and how do you want to feel three months from today and put that date in your calendar, could be private or whatever and just say, I want to feel blank because we need these milestones because it will go by and things won't change. You'll forget where you're at.

But if you have a goal, just like a business, you want to reach a point. And with therapy and all this, you want to feel different way with her. And so I think you've started setting that with her, okay? Let me know it goes, Jay, you're doing the right things here. Just be strong and speak your part because you've nothing to lose at this point. Everything to gain would be even more honest. Okay, bye Jay, have a great night. Thank you. Bye. Take care, bye bye. I love talking to people about their open relationships and alternative relationships.

And I think that people are a lot more open right now. And this is the time you guys, more than ever. I think it's because we don't see a lot of models of healthy alternative relationships and how they work that we're just thinking like if we don't want to know how to do something wrong with us, then we try to blindly suffer through a new one. But for some couples like, Jay, you can see it's not that it's necessarily going to be easy like, hey, let's go sleep with other people. He made one of the biggest mistakes and common mistakes people make when

they're trying to open up. And that's like, oh, it must be about the sex. It's actually the thing that you just that you do last. You're just jumping and sleeping with someone. The first thing you do is you got to lay these ground rules. And when we add and set boundaries, I hope this is how for people and we're also going to start having some more experts on the show to talk about it because I think it's really it's not this ridiculous pie in the sky thing that doesn't work for anybody. I actually know people who are in healthy relationships and I'd love to help people

get there and hear your stories as well. We have Rebecca. She's 25 from Texas and her new partner does not cuddle after sex but she wants to connect. I feel your Rebecca, I've been there. Hi. Thanks for calling. Hi. Hi, tell me what's going on. You're so welcome. So tell me what's going on, the cuddling,

or the leptom. Yeah, so being the sky, I have recently started dating. It's really new, probably less than two months. The connection out side of the bedroom is really awesome and the sex is good, but after he just turns around and there's no cuddling, there's really no pillow talk. And I've tried to engage with him, I've tried to cuddle and be the big spoon even though that's not so much my favorite thing.

And he doesn't engage. And I'm curious kind of what strategies for communication used to just so that the next time it doesn't feel forced, I don't want him to feel uncomfortable. But that is something that I do like. I got it honey. No I got it. I've been there and to me it's like a deal. I find that a deal breaker.

Like if I don't feel like I've had a new guy that I've slept with, and they fall asleep and they roll over, we're not touching in some way, or we didn't, I feel like I'm alone. I need to leave. Like, I need it. You're probably like, I totally get it. So have you let him know that it's important to you? Have you been like, oh, I want a cuddle?

I love cuddling, because it's cuddle. Have you ever just come out and said that? Yeah. Yeah. So it's interesting. After a date, we had a few weeks are like a week ago uh... i just kind of brought it up i was like you like being touched you know and i kind of brought it up with love languages

oh good my love languages is with with touch but uh... he was even a little shy about the topic so i'm not sure if they be like such a touch right right and then that if maybe it's like a touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touchy touch touch touchy touchy touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch touch they just done it, put his arm around you and tried it. Take the initiative. Yeah. If you had grabbed him and wrapped his arms around you, I've done that.

I've full on them. You're not touching me right now. We need to touch. Right. No, no, I haven't done that. That's a good idea. I should. Because I think I've done it in the morning when I wake up and try to engage.

Maybe I should do it right after. I think right after, because when you want it right after. That's what I'm talking about. I think right after, because when you want it, don't expect that he's not doing it, because even though you might have told him when you're driving or another, when you're out at dinner, guys, sometimes they just don't hear it,

they have to hear it a few times, or it really might not be his thing. So, sometimes instead of just, you've already told him, I think the next time you have sex, you can just like touch his hand, hug him, grab his arm, put it around you, and just look up and smile

And be like, it feels good to have your arm around me, you know, and just see he's not gonna like pull it away And you can say, oh, it feels so good and just kind of reinforce it and let him know like this is what feels good Because he might just not and who knows maybe you said it wants these thinking, uh-oh, I'm really bad at cuddling Like, you know guys, we all get into our heads during sex So it doesn't still like, I've had guys who are like, okay, and'm really bad at cuddling. Like, you know, guys, we all get into our heads during sex. So it doesn't still like, I've had guys who are like, okay, and they're like, pat, pat, pat, and then they roll over. Like, they're like, they're like, they're burping me

or something. And that's when, if they do that enough, and I'm like, no, I need cuddling, I, to me, it is a deal breaker. Like, there are some people who don't love touch. And that's not, it is my love language as well. Like, words of affirmation, physical touch. If you don't tell me I'm sexy and touch me

And hug me. I'm proud. I'm out, you know, at least one of those I need Most you know, yeah Yeah, so it was kind of the the second part of my question was When do I tap out since it is pretty new. I'm not crazily invested. Yeah, oh Don't talk about yet. Let's use something that I need. Right. OK, so this is what I want to tell you. You like him.

You have good chemistry. Right? Rebecca, so I think, I mean, I love your 25 years old. Because what a great time for you to learn these skills, how to communicate, and how to experience this, because you have nothing to lose at this point in everything to gain. Maybe you find out that he's like a latent codler,

and he really does like it. But one time a girl told him he was a bad codler. Who knows what it is. Or maybe he realizes that he didn't know he liked it so much until you. Maybe he, who knows why he doesn't like touch. There's a lot of different reasons. But for all we know, what's possible is that he might be like, oh my god, I do love coddling.

I never knew it because you're both, you know, is he your age as well? Like in his 20s and so yeah, he's a few years older. Okay. Yeah. I mean, I'm just saying that you can get to go in there without shame. It just makes you look like a woman, a strong confident woman who knows what you want. And you might have to do it and see how he reacts. If he's like, nah, I can't really deal with touching. Well, then you know.

Or if he's like, oh, this does feel good. Like, see how it goes. And don't be frustrated if it doesn't happen the next time, because you're going to have to try this a few times. But I'm not going to let you see him and not try something because this is how you move forward and how you learn communication. Because if you try it a few times,

you're like, that felt so good. And the next time you see him, like, I can't wait to be in your arms tonight. You know, not in a, or whoever you want to do it. And see what happens after a few times. If it's still not satisfying to you, you can say, babe, I really need the hot, you know, cuddling,ling it feels really good

tell me you know and just kind of get some information but you're gonna know in a few weeks a few times of seeing him if he can kind of come over to your side and be good be a reciprocal codler or not and for some guys they just don't want to be touched and some women don't either so you can find this out sooner than later rather than spending a year

hoping you read your mind right totally good I can't wait here a year, hoping you read your mind. Right. Totally. I love that idea. Thank you so much. You're so welcome back. Okay, good. I can't wait to hear. Thanks.

Have a good night. Bye, Rebecca. Awesome. You too. Bye. I love a good codler. I mean, really, you guys, it's true that it doesn't make you a bad person here. If you don't like touch and you don't like coddled, that is totally fine.

You're not broken. You're not wrong. But you've got to be the person who's cool with it or doesn't like, doesn't require cuddling. And the main thing I wanted to have home air is that we often think that because we said something once or we even showed them once and we didn't get what we wanted that we might as well just throw in the towel or nothing is working. But think about how you all learn something, a new skill and you have it or you finally heard your partner.

I'll bet the first time you broke through something wasn't the first time you heard it. It's very rare we hear something once and everything changes. It takes communication. People learn different ways. So he might need me to talk to you, you know, her boyfriend might or the guy she's sleeping with might need to hear it, might need to be demonstrated. But no matter what way you go about it, make sure that you consistently communicate what your needs are and then you can make a decision or not whether you should stay or go.

We have Jared, 25 from Brooklyn and he was seeking clarification if women are uncomfortable or guysying for the first time with a new partner, what about using toys, hey Jared, I'm here to help. How you doing? Good, how are you? I really appreciate you taking my call. You make my commute much better every day. Yeah, I love that. Kitchen, a good mindset for work. Tell me what's going on. Yes, absolutely. So there's this girl that I've recently been seeing and what's very open.

But every time she gets closer to her, as a main, there seems to be some sort of like mental blocks you just can't. I know she's also the type of girl that can only come completely and she says that the penetration she really can't come. So I'm just wondering if it's you know a matter of her feeling comfortable or if it's I know some girls are tricky but yeah because I always like you know giving it to the girl first. That's great. She comes first. Do you know the all the right philosophy? So you guys have been together a few times, you said? Yes, correct. And she now like most women, the majority of women,

we require a literal stimulation to orgasm and a lot of women can't orgasm during intercourse. So first of all, do you know that she's orgasm before? Are you certain? Now we've talked about that she says usually she's the only one that can make herself calm. Okay, that's common too. So okay so at least we know that she has and probably with her fingers or with a toy because it's during masturbation. So I would just say like tell me I mean if you guys are, and even if you're not, try this, how do you masturbate? Let's masturbate together.

Mutual masturbation can be a great way, so you can see exactly what she does if she's into that, or say, I don't wanna make you come. Like, tell me how we can work together on your orgasm. Show me what you do, or, you know, if you said, you asked what like, using a toy, ask her what she uses, or say, I'd love to see you touch yourself. That'd be so hot to see you masturbate.

Have you guys gotten to the point where you feel comfortable talking to her like this? About this? Yeah, I definitely know. We're, again, we're both very open and we try to explain a little bit. She got very close one time, but then just something happened. That happened. Yes, we were. Okay. I don't know if some type of this

was like a fire alarm. What about oral sex? Oh, yes. No, I love performing that on her. And that's when she gets really close to coming. But again, there's some sort of mental point. Well, here's a few things. First of all, we don't,

there's a lot of women who haven't a lot at all with a partner. She might never have with a partner. And I'm telling you that this is common for young women and for actually women of all ages, but I was related to her when I was in my 20s. It was really hard for me with a partner. And women assume that they just never will. They're like, this is how I am. I can't do with a partner, because she hasn't had experience at right? Being with someone where she's totally

comfortable, maybe, and feels like she can actually go there and let go and feel safe. So what I would say is a few options here. If you say she gets close when you go down in her, maybe you need to reassure her that you're not going anywhere, that she should just lay back and you, you're not, you're all night. Because for me, when I used to stop guys, even when it felt good, and I think a lot of women are probably listening, nodding their head, is that we feel like it's taking too long. He doesn't really want to do it. Like, oh my god, it's been looking at the clock next to us. I mean, it's been 18 minutes, 19 minutes. We're so, we're such givers, and we worry that you're going to think, so if you just kind of say I want you to relax, or even you take sex off the table,

and you're like tonight's all about your pleasure, Like I want you to orgasm, like bring your toys over, bring your liver. I'm going to come over and like let's focus on you because I'm seeing you calm would be so hot and just letting her like know that it's like and if she doesn't want to and she says no, I'm embarrassed, whatever, you know, then you don't keep pushing it in one night, but you've already laid the groundwork. And also, you know, you know, you know, rather than I do, you might just want to say, let's talk about it too. Like, I would love to see it. How would you most feel comfortable like exploring your orgasm with me?

You know, so you could kind of... Because it's important to you, and tell you what you've been thinking about it. You think it'd be really hot, and you wanted to do whatever it can or help explore with her. So, how does that sound? No, no, that sounds perfect. That's definitely something I'm going to take into consideration next time because of the very open. Cool.

And I really appreciate that feedback. Okay, you're so welcome, Jared. I love it. I love that you're open and I love that you understand and you want to please her. So let me know how it goes. I'm going to follow up. Okay.

Okay. Call me after you are, guys. Bye, Jared. Have a great night. Bye. You guys, when I say call me back and let me know, I mean it. Like, I really know. I'm like, gonna go to bed thinking about Jared and his girlfriend.

I mean, not in that way, but like, did she come yet? Here's a thing, you guys, I hope you heard that. It's true that for women, like a lot of studies have shown. And I know this to be true, that we just, we want to feel safe. We want to feel comfortable with our partner. We want to know that we're like with someone who's really into our pleasure. And also girls, women, we got to feel safe, we want to feel comfortable with our partner, we want to know that we're like with someone who's really into our pleasure and also girls women We got to help our partner out too because our partners are not mine readers and I think I don't know when I was younger

I would think that just someone would figure it out and so I need to kind of work with them and need to work on my own Self with masturbation figuring out what made me feel good so I could have that orgasm You know there was a time like said, I could only do it myself. And then I was with partner, I was like, okay, let's work together. I want to have an orgasm with you and let's figure it out. And it was fun because we were on the journey together. So just communication, keep getting deeper into what the challenge is, and then you work through it and it's explosive orgasms for all. We have Amanda, she's 22 from Australia and her friends are overprotective and slut-shaming. Hi Amanda. Hi. Hi. I'm good. I'm so glad we're talking now. All the way

in Australia, let me know how I can help you here. Well it's actually his friends. His friends right, boyfriends friends. Okay. Yeah. I have kind of thought changing. So it's actually his friend. His friend's right, boyfriends friends. OK. Yeah. Have kind of slightly changed me. So it's more to do with the fact of another very outspoken and curious person. That's how I found your page. Six years ago when I actually found your podcast. So glad. And I've always been very curious about, you know,

I guess exploring more of myself and relationships and everything. And at 22 now, I'm very much, very still quite open about it. And the thing is that a lot of his friends are very conservative and they're concerned that I'm changing him into something that is not. And it's very hard because the thing is, I know this side of him who is as curious as I am, but at the same time, he doesn't tell anybody about it because that's not him.

He's not outspoken as I am. Right. How did the sludge shaming start? Your concern is that his friends are saying things about you. Yeah, they want him to break up with me over it. Over what though? What did they hear? What happened?

Tell me the incidents. OK, so the main, probably what started or was I had signed up to a swing at club when I was with my ex-boyfriend. And it was something that I was always curious in, but my boyfriend at the time was very anxious about doing that. OK. I got an email from the swing at club at the time was very anxious about doing that. Okay.

I got an email from the swingers club that I signed up to saying, we have a information session on Tween. And I kind of joked around with my current boyfriend. We hadn't been only seeing each other for like six months. It wasn't something that I was bringing to the relationship as of yet, because I'm his first serious kind of girlfriend.

Okay. And he was like, he was like, let's go. And I was like, okay, well look, I don't want to pressure you into it. This is Charlie or Colin, he goes, no. Ford me the email, I'm really interested. This is something that I've always wanted to try. Right.

Let's try it. So he actually bought the tickets and organized the event, organized dinner and everything like that. And when I mentioned to his friends about, you know, going to the club on the Friday because they invited us out to something or whatever, I said, oh no, we're going into the city for dinner and a presentation. What's the presentation about?

Kind of, um, foot and mouth kind of thing and just went, oh, it's about fleeing. And they kind of, yeah, okay, they were just. Right. Okay. because I was a little bit confused. I was like, I'm not a good person. I was like, I'm not a good person. I was like, I'm not a good person. I was like, I'm not a good person. I was like, I'm not a good person. I was like, I'm not a good person. I was like, I'm not a good person. I was like, I'm not a good person.

I was like, I'm not a good person. I was like, I'm not a good person. I was like, I'm not a good person. I was like, I'm not a good person. I was like, I'm not a good person. to sleep with other people. And it basically blew it totally out of proportion. His response was at two years. Right. And it's very hard because all of his friends are telling me that I'm weird and outspoken. And I don't really want to go back to that shy, quiet girl

that I knew that I could go to. No, you don't. And you've got to find a partner. He's got to stick up for you. And he's young. It's his first relationship. And these are his best friends. You probably don't like a big in a relationship at all.

This is how dudes get sometimes. They're like, hey, you stories hang out with us. Now you're always with Amanda. Now we found a way to even like, to kind of chastise your girlfriend and sluts shame her. So you'll come back to us and watch sports and hang out. Cause we miss you, cause you have a girlfriend. So this is kind of like a common thing

that happens with the young guys, and old ones, and honestly, men of all ages, and women. We love our friends, and we don't want them to leave us and go fall in love and do other things of all ages and women. We love our friends. We don't want them to leave us and go fall in love and do other things, especially if we're not in love. Some people are like, oh, they get envious. So is he protecting you in the situation? What's he saying back to his friends about you?

So what happened was I've kind of turned around and gotten in a little bit of an argument with a couple of his friends and he's seen the messages and he's gone, dude, stop talking to me about this issue. If you have a problem with it, talk to Amanda because I'm not fighting her battle. She doesn't want me to fight her battles with me. Because again, at the same time, I don't want him fighting battles for me. But he just gets so angry and frustrated and he's like, oh, my friends are crap. I know my friends are crap, but there's nothing I can do to change it.

And it's very frustrating because they're still. How long have you guys been together Amanda? We've been together for about 10 months now. I'll show them. All right. And I mean, you obviously don't have to change at all. I mean, you said you're a sex positive person, you know? And you want to be surrounded by other sex positive people.

This is what happens when you're a sex positive. You are a tolerant, progressive person, you know, and you want to be surrounded by other sex positive people. This is what happens, like when you're sex positive, you are a tolerant, progressive person environment, but you know, it has progressive attitudes towards sex and sexuality. So that's the kind of world you want to be in, and I'm sorry, they just fight these battles with his friends, but you're not doing anything wrong at all, and he's consenting. So if there's a way you can just kind of like spend time away from his friends, like there's nothing you're going to do to pull them away from his friends Like there's nothing you're gonna do to pull them away from his friends But you can let them know that it's you know that you won't you won't tolerate that kind of talk And I would also say like I would kind of ignore them like the fighting with you're never gonna get there

Because it's not even about you know It's like you're not gonna get them all of us and go oh, you're right. Yeah, swing your let's go to a theater party Like it's probably not even about this they would find something else And even if it is it doesn't matter of many people don't understand more progressive ways of thinking about sex. And I think you got to stick with who you are and you don't want to change who you are at your core for guys. So either he has to learn how to maybe find other friends. And I'm being serious now, because sometimes we change, we grow apart from our friends. And if this is, if he's someone who's a little more open and progressive and liberal, he might find that these friends

from high school or childhood just don't serve them in that same way. But you shouldn't be subject to this abuse at all because you're not a slut. You're very open sexually and that's the retin- so they're threatened by you for a lot of level, for a lot of reasons. And I think you're the big, they are. Like, because you're taking away, who knows? They're jealous that you're taking away from you. They're jealous.

They probably don't have a girl like you who wants to go to a singer party or who's more open sexually. I don't, it doesn't, like, I'm less concerned about them and more concerned about you standing up where you are and not having to change and not going back to that girl if it doesn't even exist anymore because you're the Amanda you are today.

And you've done work because- I just don't wanna, sorry, interrupt. Yeah, I just don't wanna, I guess, say that to him to make him choose between him and his friend. Like, how do I go about it? We ask you to- Exactly, that's a great him to make him choose between him and his friends. No. Like, how do I go about it? Exactly. That's a great question.

Because I don't believe in ultimatums. You know what's going to be like, your friends are me. You pick right now. That never ends well. But just like, you could just say, tell me what you want Amanda, because you know that he's not going to leave his friends. So what would feel right to you? How would you like them to interact in your life?

Like, for example, would you, yeah, tell him, what's your answer to this? Because only you know. But you know when you go to work, and you just get along with the people that you get along with. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like you go to work, you don't see them outside of work, you go to work, you get your job done, you come home. Yep. That's what I want.

Right. Which is friends. Is that when we hang out, yeah, we get along like two feet in a pod. Other than that, they don't call the massive drama in my life but the only issue is that they don't actually invite him out anymore because they're scared that I'm going to bring that I'm going to be brought along and I've actually turned around to them and said organize a boy trip I don't give a crap like boys need their time go organize and they're like no because you're going to get upset like or you're just going to show up.

They're creating stories in their head that aren't even true and that haven't happened yet. So really, yeah. I mean, it sounds like they're not mature enough for you guys even to hang out, because I would say you just kill with kindness and you be yourself next time. You seem like, oh, I good to see you guys, and maybe you win them over, and they're like,

oh my God, she's awesome. Or they're just creating trouble, in which case your boyfriend will, and his own have to realize, oh God, a man is a cool chick. I want to be a third. My friends are being jerks, or they're not aligned to where I'm as a cool chick. I want to be a third. My friends are being, you know, jerks or they're not aligned to where I'm at. And I don't, I don't want to be with them or maybe he'll find something in the middle,

but it's not really your job. You just can just decide how you react to things and what kind of energy you want in your life. So it's not an ultimatum, but at all, but it's more like what do you feel comfortable with? And if he feels like, you know, that's a thing. And if your boyfriend's like, they're not inviting me anymore, and I'm really upset by it, then he might choose it.

Like he might not be able to be with you. I don't know what's going to happen here, but I think that you have to just kind of be honest with them and say it doesn't make me feel good. But I will go along with it. I'm not going to say anything, but I'll be, because I think fighting with them and texting isn't going to do anything.

So I think you ignore them. And when you see them, you're polite and kind. If you don't have to run into them, then you just keep living your lives together. If this really isn't your problem, anything. So I think you ignore them. And when you see them, you're polite and kind. If you don't have to run into them, then you just keep living your lives together. If this really isn't your problem, actually, at this point, now it's his. So you might, I mean, I feel like you've done everything

you can. And if you guys are still seeing each other enough, and you're having a good time with your together, then it's kind of like he's got to deal with them when he sees them. You don't have to repair his relationships and tell him how to be in a, you know. But I think that, you know, if you still love them and you want to be with them, you can't

obviously have them choose. But eventually, hopefully, we'll see that if they're not treating you well, there's probably other things that they're doing that aren't, don't feel so great either. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Thank you very much. You're welcome.

Bye, Amanda. Bye. Bye. Thanks for calling from Australia. Love it. Okay. Thanks, thanks everyone for listening to the show. I love talking to you. And thank you to my amazing team, Ken, Jenny, Valentair Sarah, producer, Jamie, and Michael.

Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com. you