Sex With Emily - Lasting Longer & Low Libido

Episode Date: October 11, 2024

When it comes to your most pressing sex issues, have you ever wondered: “ugh, is it just me?” I promise: it’s not just you! To prove it, I’m tackling your top sex questions in this episode. From raising your libido to acing your oral, we cover a lot of ground in this one.  How do you talk to your partner about sex? I teach you how to broach this conversation with compassion, and how to normalize sex talks in general. How about amping up your sex drive? There are hacks for that! Maybe you want to last longer in bed, get better at oral, or spice up your sex life. There’s a whole world of solutions for those, and I walk you through them. Whether it’s toys, technique, or just a good talk, this episode is all about finding answers, so you can have the pleasure you deserve. In this episode, you’ll learn: How to talk to your partner about sex or trying something new How to get better at oral How to spice up your sex life How to increase your sex drive How to last longer during sex Show Notes: WIN FREE VIBRATORS! Bellesa and I are giving away *free toys* to everyone – sign up here: bboutique.co/vibe/emilymorse-podcast Join the SmartSX Membership: Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. Try VIIA Hemp! https://bit.ly/viiaemily and use code EMILY! Practice love every day with Paired, the #1 app for couples. Download the app at https://www.paired.com/SWE  Yes! No! Maybe? List & Other Sex With Emily Guides: Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides.  SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website  Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok | Threads | YouTube Let’s text: Sign up here Want me to slide into your email inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com

It's all about variety, spontaneity, and novelty. If we do anything the same over, you have the same breakfast every day, you have chicken every single night for dinner, well sometimes you're going to want pizza. You're like, I just am craving pizza. You're giving me a lot of chicken. You've been having chicken sex and now you need some pizza sex. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you

prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. On this episode, I'm tackling your top sex questions. Because listen, chances are, you've probably asked yourself one of these. And that means you're not alone. There are solutions to be had. First, how do I talk to my partner about sex

or try something new? Well, I give you tips for normalizing sex talks and creating a culture of erotic communication. Next, how can I get better at oral sex? Sometimes it's technique like not using your teeth, but sometimes it's psychology and I dress both. Then how can I spice up my sex life? I get this one all the time and I have one word for you, novelty. Paired with an open and honest conversation, we can bring that arousal

back. Also, how can I increase my sex drive? We're removing the physical, emotional, and social blocks around your libido so that your desire can move more freely. Finally, how can I last longer during sex? Well, I've got tricks to help draw out your pleasure, whether it's an orgasm delay technique or a product. both fun and both totally within reach. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. It helps get the show out to more people

and it just takes you a few seconds to do it. You can just do it right now. Look at your phone, look at your app that you're listening to this on and review us. We so appreciate it. You can also find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter or X and Facebook, all the places. It's all at Sex With Emily.

My new articles, How to Explore Intimacy After Sexual Trauma and 15 Ways to Last Longer in Bed are both up on SexWithEmily.com. Before we dive into the episode, if you haven't heard the news, I have to tell you about my brand new membership community, Smart SX.

It is officially live and I've had a blast the last few weeks. Because this membership is everything I've ever dreamed of and more. We're talking exclusive content, interactive workshops with top minds in sexual health, there's polls and so much more. All made for the membership community. But honestly my favorite part is the community. It's a safe space where like-minded people support each other, they're sharing experiences, they're breaking down all the taboos around sex and intimacy. It's truly empowering. So if you're ready to really bring more

pleasure into your sex life and take the steps, SmartSX is for you. So join the pleasure revolution today. Just head over to SexWithEmily.com, click on the membership tab, or head straight to SexWithemily.com slash smartsx. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. In recent years, there's been uptick in questions for my listeners about semen volume and ejaculation. It's become a bit of a hot topic due to recent conversations and semen retention,

and even due to the infamous money shots in adult films. Well, I've got some news for you. Increasing your semen volume is totally possible. Let me introduce you to Popstar's volume and taste enhancers. And if you want to hear more about it, you got to check out my recent podcast, Shoot Your Best Shot with Dr. Josh Gonzalez, because he invented Popstar and you're going to be blown away. Now we've all heard that age old rumor to eat pineapple to taste better. Well, this supplement actually uses the bromelain from pineapple along with zinc and L-Arginine to improve your overall taste in two to three weeks.

So not only does it ramp up your volume, but it sweetens the deal, pun intended, by improving your taste. This product was created by two of the country's leading men's sexual health physicians, ensuring you are in the absolute best hands. Plus it's all natural, high quality vegan and non-GMO, made from the best ingredients

and scientifically proven to work. Are you ready to give it a shot? You can save 20% with my special discount code, Emily, at popstarlabs.com slash Emily. That's code Emily at popstarlabs.com slash Emily. Check it out and let me know how it goes. Today I wanna talk about something that's super important, your vaginal health. Thinklabs.com slash Emily. Check it out and let me know how it goes. Today I wanna talk about something that's super important, your vaginal health.

Think about it. We have products to use for our face and creams and lotions for our body. So why would we not have something in our routine for one of the most important parts of our bodies, the vagina? And that's why I'd like to introduce you all to V-Health. V-Health is a serum that uses four targeted,

bio-engineered human growth factors to naturally restore vaginal health while you sleep. You just apply some of the serum at night, just like you would on your face, but you put on your labia minora, majora, your clitoris, and when you go to sleep, it's gonna generate the vaginal mucosa and tissues. As we age, the vagina ages as well

and can begin to exhibit different symptoms like you might have dryness or pain. Well, V-Health can help with all of that. It moisturizes and soothes your vaginal tissue so it is reducing dryness, irritation and just regenerating new cells. It helps to promote a healthy pH balance, reduces the frequency of UTIs, helps with painful sex. I mean, what can't this product do? It's really an amazing thing for your vagina and it's completely hormone free. And if you're not experiencing these symptoms currently, think of this as a preventative measure you can take to maintain the health of your vagina. It's a really exciting product. I've been using it for about a month. Women on the team are using it here and we're

just loving it. It's a great way to care for yourself. Try it out. You can save 20% right now when you go to getvhealth.com use code EMILY20. That's G-E-T-V-H-E-A-L-T-H.com use code EMILY20. So do yourself and your health a favor and check it out. All right, I want you all to know that we read all the emails you send in, all of your questions, but I also get your testimonials and they're so inspiring and I believe that few of these are going to inspire you as well. So let me start with this. Okay, this is from Anna, 22 in Canada.

Dear Dr. Emily, first, thank you so much for the work you do. It wasn't until fairly recently that I discovered the reason I felt so uncomfortable discussing sex as a young woman was because I hadn't been aware of resources like your podcast. You provide a safe and comfortable space for people to discuss vulnerable topics, so thank you again. You've impacted my life in such positive ways." Well, thank you Anna for writing this and I just want you all to know that what we talk about here on the show, what you hear on Sex with Emily, you're not going to hear anywhere else. You know, you're not going to hear it with your family or probably your

friends or in school. There's just not a lot of accurate information around sex or a place where you are safe and it is open and you are welcome to share and we're all learning together. This is from Lydia 21 in London. Hey Dr. Emily I'm writing you a thank you note. I want to sincerely thank you for changing my relationship with my body and with my partner. My boyfriend introduced me to your show after I confided him that I was never able to orgasm. Through listening I felt so supported by hearing callers had the same issue and knowing I'm not alone. Moreover, I've been able to implement so many of your tips and completely change how I view sex with myself and my partner."

All right, see? So we got we're listening to the show. Welcome to the show and we're all on this journey. So I appreciate hearing from both of you and let's get into the questions. Let's kick off with your first top sex question. How do I talk to my partner about sex or trying something new? I used to call this question the how do I get my partner to blank and that's a really common question. How do I get my partner to question. How do I get my partner to initiate? How do I get my partner to have a threesome? How do I get my partner to understand my needs in bed? We were not born with a skill set of how to be comfortable talking about sex. It wasn't modeled to us in our home. Most people's

partners never talk about sex. So that's why this is a very common question. Communication is a lubrication. The more we talk about sex, the better it's going to get. So talking to your partner enhances intimacy. You're going to get the variety that you need and you're gonna have more satisfaction in the bedroom and more pleasure, which is what I'm all about here. So how do you start having this really difficult conversation? It's the three T's and that is timing, turf, and tone. Timing.

You want to have this conversation when you are not, halt, hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. You're chilling out, you're in a good space, you're feeling good, hanging out with your partner, and the other thing is your tone. Your tone is light and curious and supportive and it's not defensive, it's not angry, and sometimes I want to say this, we all need a tone check. Sometimes we don't realize when we're nervous and we're doing something that our tone comes off as judgmental, sounds like we're annoyed or defensive,

but really we're not. And the last thing is turf. You want to have any of these conversations about sex outside the bedroom. Great to do it when you are hanging out, maybe you're on a road trip, because then you don't have to be making that awkward eye contact, but you still can have a conversation in privacy or when you're walking the dog. So timing, turf, and tone, remember that. Contrary to what we were told growing up,

did you have the talk yet? Did your parents have the talk with you? We somehow think that a sex talk is a one-time conversation. And that's not true, nor is it true in your relationship. Think of the first sex talk with your partner to be one where you're laying the groundwork for future talks. You're not going to get it all out. If you've been with someone for a while, there's no such thing as one conversation covering everything. So some easy hacks to this conversation, they just be asking what feels good. You know, I always say don't talk about sex in the bedroom,

but it's totally okay to in the moment say to your partner, how does this feel? You can tell me scale one to 10 to 10 if it's feeling great, one not so great, do you want it lighter? Do you want it softer? Do you want it faster? Do you want it slower? All that's okay if it's very specific in the moment.

How does this feel? I thought it might be fun if we try it this way. And then you can check in with them. Does this feel good? Do you like what I'm doing? And then you're discovering together in the moment because there are some things in the moment that are productive and efficient really.

Because this is the kind of thing where after, if you say, remember that move I was doing with my tongue? You know, did that feel good? And they'll be like, what move? So these are the things if you say remember that move I was doing with my tongue you know did that feel good and they'll be like what move so these are the things if you want to get really specific as you can do in the moment and I cannot emphasize enough the importance of verbal confirmation and and just being more verbal in the bedroom making sounds making noises there's nothing like performing a killer oral act on a partner and they're just mute. They're quiet. You're like, does this feel good? Do

they still have a pulse? So moaning and increasing your breath and maybe motioning your body, you know, moving your your pelvis forward, you know, can show that you're really into it. Maybe you pull away a little bit, shows that maybe I want to try something new. So our body language says a lot in the moment as well. I want to prepare you that when you have this conversation you might be greeted by a defensive partner who says, no I'm never trying that or why are you bringing this up? I thought we had great sex or here you go again always criticizing me. I want you to be armed for that because it's not common that people bring this up. Typically no one else has talked to us about it.

So the second someone brings it up, our defenses go up. Maybe we have shame, we have insecurities. Maybe we think, oh God, I'm a terrible lover and I've been worried about this forever, so I'm gonna shut down, I'm gonna say no. This is where you have practiced your, oh, I hear what you're saying. It sounds like I've said something that upset you. Tell me more about that. Remember, this is the

curiosity part. I'm just curious why this is, you know, what about this doesn't feel good to you? Because I'm really hoping we can just get to know each other. We can start to understand our beliefs around sex and just having that kind of conversation where they feel safe and they feel free to express their no, you can't afford to be out of this sex conversation. You can't afford to forego the six-sex conversation for the rest of your life. And I have to say that I hear from so many of you, I'm so worried that my partner is going to be upset or I'm afraid to talk to him about it because of their ego.

Well, how about you? Let's put you in an equation. How do you feel about not getting your needs met? And you know that you're having this conversation to enhance the connection with your partner. So none of that is true. So you have to get to a page where you are able to say to them, I thought you might feel this way. And so I really want to reinforce, you can even say this is the beginning.

I want to reinforce that this is not about anything you're doing wrong. I'm not upset with you. Really want the opportunity to become each other's greatest lovers to each other. Are you down with that? Okay, now I'm going to get into some emails that have to do with this very topic. This is from Brooke, 25 in Indiana. Hey, Dr. Emily, I love the show. I've been dealing with an issue for a while now.

My husband always gets all the attention during sex or anything that has to do with sex, even oral. I rarely get any and he hardly ever goes down on me, but when he does, it's 69. No matter how many times I speak up about it, it's always ignored and he says he'll do better, but he never does. Most of the time I'm afraid to say anything because I don't want to offend him. Even use the timing, tone and tone still doesn't work. I just feel so ignored and unappreciated and undesirable. How can I approach this and let him know how I'm feeling? When timing, tone and turf doesn't work, it sounds like active listening on his part, or maybe both your parts, might be the problem.

So this is where I would say take a different approach. You've heard me say, I've even said it on this show, assume that your partner wants to be a great lover to you. So in this case, I'm still going to give them the benefit of the doubt, even though it doesn't sound that way. So I think you have to be very honest and give examples. Perhaps you have to get way more specific and lead with something that you do like, like the compliment sandwich.

Maybe there's not much. Maybe you just say, hey, I really liked the way we were making out the other night. We were moving so slow through sex and then I felt like I could really get turned on. And then our sandwich part would be where you say, now I know that you really like 69, and I'd love to tell you about something that I really like. And then this is where you get specific. You say, I would really like slower sex. I would really like more oral.

And then you explain the why. Because I think that I'll be just as satisfied as you are during sex. It makes me feel more connected to you. And here's what I think is missing. Have him repeat it back to you. What did he hear you say? You know, maybe like, oh, I just heard you say you didn't like 69. I'm doing something else wrong. You could say, yeah, I did say that 69 wasn't my favorite and I've told you it a few times, but I realized that maybe I need to get more specific.

So here I'm trying to tell you that I want you to go slower and oral is really important to me. Many of us have to hear something a few times. Have you ever improved any skill in your entire life or changed any behavioral pattern because someone told you something once. I can't think of any in my life. I have to write things down.

I have to practice. I have to like listen back. I mean, it takes time to improve skills. So I know you tried timing, turf and tone, but you might, you got to do it again. We're going to change it up a bit. Another thing I'm concerned about that I just have to mention here is that the fact that you said you're afraid because you don't want to offend him. I'm going to flip this on you.

Because essentially if you don't say anything, you're co-signing on your partner doing what he wants, getting his needs met and not yours. So I want to give you permission. I want to give everyone permission that it is okay to talk to your partner about sex. And the more we have these conversations, the more we will be able to normalize these conversations for the partner you're with now, if they're ever with anyone in the future. If it goes well for you, you start telling your friends about it. I want to make good sex talks normal. And this is how you start doing it. Think about your own needs. It's okay. It doesn't make you selfish. It want to make good sex talks normal and this is how you start doing it. Think

about your own needs. It's okay. It doesn't make you selfish. It doesn't make you crazy. It doesn't make you a bad partner. It just makes you someone who cares about your own needs and is prioritizing your pleasure along with your partners. Number two, how can I get better at oral sex? I love this one because sometimes, yeah, it comes down to technique, how to apply pressure, how to avoid teeth, you know, stuff like that. But sometimes oral is a bit of a head game.

There's some psychology that we have to work through. So let's get into it. If you just ask me off the top of my head, what are my top tips? I would definitely say pay attention. Every time you're with a new penis or a new vulva, there's a whole new host of information in front of you. What does this person like? What don't they like? Do they you know need more pressure? When do they start to moan? When do they move toward you? When do they move away from you? And I would also say you want to be enthusiastic and you want to be into it. You don't want to be doing oral as like a charity move

or a pity party. You want to be into it, enthusiastic and make some noise. Noise is sexy, so is your partner's into it. And I think that's really important. Now know that an oral sex is a super intimate act that you share with your partner and probably one of the most pleasurable, which is why it's such a big question.

And with most sexual play, we wanna start slowly. We wanna build the anticipation. Take your time to like kiss around your partner's bodies. You could start from their face and go all the way down, tease their inner thighs, move towards their genitals. Definitely just because it's called oral sex doesn't mean that you can't play with your hands and some toys and some lube. I think oral sex and lube,

especially flavored lube, is delicious. And my other advice is to just let your partner know if you're the one performing oral to say, I want you to lay back, enjoy. I'm not going anywhere all night. Do you know what relief that gives us to know that a partner is into it and they're not gonna walk away and they're not gonna abandon us, you know, like they really want to be there. We all want to know that people want to be doing it and I can tell you from my perspective I've been with partners where I'm like oh this is taking too long and I'm staring at the clock thinking like they're gonna want to leave in a minute. So using those words, using your voice, using your hands,

enthusiasm, those are some of my top tips there. But let's get into your emails on the subject. This is from Josie32 in the United States. Hey Dr. Emily, it's hard to admit but I'm a 32 year old woman who has had one sexual partner who I lost my virginity to at age 26. Never touched a penis until we started dating. Never put a penis in my mouth until we started dating. He never pressured me to do anything I wasn't comfortable with. And now that we've been together six years, I've never really given a blowjob. I don't like the idea of putting a dirty penis in my mouth.

And it makes me so uncomfortable to even look at my partner when I've tried to go down there. I need help overcoming my fear of penis because now we're in a long dry spell and I'm not sure what to do." I understand why this is hard to admit, but listen people have sex, people become intimate at all ages. So you're 32 and you don't have a lot of experience with penises. First let's look at why did something happen to you with a penis? Well you told something about a penis that if you go down a one that it is dirty? Did you ever hear a story that kind of freaked you out about a penis? So it's important to look at the origin story around the penis. What is it that about it that is kind of making you feel that it's a no-go zone?

And some mindset changes here. Think about this penis as an extension of somebody that you love, that you care about. I'm sure you want to love up on all parts of their bodies, but if you could look at this way as just, I'm going to please this person. It's almost like that worship his penis. I want to do something here that's going to make him feel good. But let's just back up for a minute. If you do feel like it's a dirty penis and all that, take a shower together. I mean, listen, that kind of helps a lot. I mean, I love showering for a secs. Anyway, we have the days, you know, grime on us, stress. Just wash it all off and take a shower because then

you know this is not a dirty penis. I would also let him know that you've had this fear, but you'd really like to overcome it and you hope that he's cool with your plan. And then I would say you don't have to go from zero to deep throat. Maybe I'm gonna lick around the tip. I'm gonna lick the shaft. I'm gonna put my hand around the base of it, because remember our hands are great friends when it comes to oral. And just like one lick at a time. And then see what happens. You can pull back, start to get familiar and comfortable with his penis.

Step by step, you'll start to get more comfortable if it's something that you really wanna do. And especially if you bring him on board with your plan. Because if you're like, you know, oh, he doesn't know, now I'm gonna try it, I didn't do it. But if you can say, babe, I'm trying to overcome this, I don't know where it comes from, but I really wanna figure this out with you,

and he'll be thrilled that you even are trying. I would be thrilled if my partner's like, I'm gonna overcome something and here's my plan. Like bring him into it. I believe that our the best partners want to be part of this sexual journey. Why should you be doing it all on your own? Okay? Oh, and flavored lube once again. Tastes delicious. There's a reason why flavored lube is excellent for oral, because if it tastes like creme brulee, this might make it a little bit easier.

All right, we have Will, 23, in Australia. Hey, Dr. Emily, I really enjoy seeing my partner orgasm, but for her, it takes a long time to completion. I haven't been able to make her orgasm with oral, or even when we just focus on her for the whole session She's used a wee vibe and is able to come from that but this also takes a long time and I'm not much help I was wondering what we can do to help her orgasm more frequently and what I can do to help her in all areas to Make it easier It's really important that she figures out on her own

How to orgasm. Has she ever masturbated? Has she ever spent time figuring out her own body? And I tell you guys this all the time, but I had been with partners and never orgasm until I said, all right, I'm taking matters into my own hands, literally, and I'm going to figure out what feels good to me

with toys, with my fingers, so then I know that I can do it, but sometimes there's a lot of pressure. I loved that I had a willing partner who wanted to help me, but I just was like, oh, there's pressure still. So I took this project, this Emily orgasm project, and I figured out on my own. Now, if she's not comfortable masturbating

or she hasn't masturbated, which might be the case, you could try a mutual masturbation session, or you could also say to her, I want to figure this out with you. Let's have you touch yourself and I'm touching myself and we can kind of look at each other, or you could just have it be about her pleasure where she's touching herself and you're paying attention

and helping her sort all of this out. We'll be right back after a short break, but first I gotta tell you about Viya. One of the most common questions I get from all of you is how do I stay present in my body during sex? Well, I have a super fun solution for you and it's the Hi Love libido gummy from Vaya. These gummies are an absolute game changer

for all your bedroom times. But really it helps you drop in so you don't have to be in your head worrying. And you know, I gotta tell you about this study I just read. It said that people who use cannabis reported an increase of 62% more pleasure when they're masturbating. And over 40% of women said they were able to have multiple orgasms when using any kind of cannabis. Well, I can tell you from the source, high level of betagummies work. It's been a must have lovian for me. Like anytime I'm going to

have sex or want to get in the mood, I pop a gummy. You just take it 30 minutes or so before any sexual activity and it's going to set you up for success. I've been working with Viya for years. So these are quality products that are effective. Viya is well known for their premium ingredients and their strains are grown with care and rigorously tested to ensure the highest quality. Viya legally ships to nearly all states in the US directly to your door with a worry-free guarantee and you don't need a medical card. If you're 21 and over, just check out the link to ViyaHump.com in the show notes and use the code EMILY to receive 15% off. That's V-I-I-A-H-E-M-P.com.

After you purchase, they're going to ask where you heard about them. So just please support the show and tell them we sent you. Take your passion and pleasure to a whole new level with VIA. Stick around. If you haven't heard, last month I launched the Smart SX membership program. And listen, it is better than I ever could have imagined. This membership has it all. It has exclusive content, there's polls, there's interactive workshops with some of the brightest minds in the sexual health and wellness space. I work with these people and I want you to know them too.

But if I'm being honest with you, my favorite part of the membership is the community. The whole reason I got into this line of work was by talking to the people around me about what their sex was like and learning through others so that you're not alone and there's nothing to be shameful about. We're all going through similar things in the bedroom and this hushed mentality is what leads to the taboos and the shame. And so with the Smart SX membership, I've already witnessed an incredible support system of like-minded individuals becoming friends and cheering each other on. It's incredible

to watch. This is truly a unique one of a kind of experience and I hope you'll come join me and if you're someone who wants more pleasure in their life, well, this is a place for you. We are starting a pleasure revolution and we want you to join. Sign up, go to my website, sexwithemily.com, click on the membership tab, that's sexwithemily.com, click on the membership tab, or head straight to sexwithemily.com slash smartsx.

Check it out now and take those steps to change your sex life for the better. It works. One of the top challenges in relationships is that people don't feel connected and then their sex life for the better. It works. One of the top challenges in relationships is that people don't feel connected and then their sex life suffers. Well, sex can improve drastically when you're feeling more connected to your partner,

but I get it. It can be really hard when you're navigating work and stress and all that comes in your daily life. And I know I can speak on a personal level. I mean, I love my work, obviously, but that can also cause me to be distant from my partner. That is before I found Paired. Paired is an app for couples who want to strengthen their relationship but make it fun.

You and your partner download the app, you pair it together, and every day Paired gives you personalized questions, quizzes, and games to stay connected, deepen your conversations, and have fun too. The best part is that you can't see your partner's answer until you answer yourself. So it's a safe space to have an open and honest discussion about your relationship. No faking it, no pretending, just genuine connection. So one of the first questions with my partner was, what's your favorite way to say goodnight to each other? The other questions are like, what are three words to describe your partner best? Or when you're in a bad mood, what do you need from

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That's P-A-I-R-E paired.com slash s we. Number three, how can I spice up my sex life? It's all about variety, spontaneity, and novelty. If we do anything the same over, you have the same breakfast every day, you have chicken every single night for dinner, well sometimes you're gonna want pizza. Like I just am craving pizza, you're giving me a lot of chicken. You've been having chicken sex

and now you need some pizza sex. So that's okay. If we're over familiar with a partner, we need to de-familiarize the circumstances. So how do we do this? Novelty could mean getting a hotel room for a night. It could be having these awkward sex conversations that we're going to normalize. It could be trying a new toy.

It could be a lube. It could be a different position. Figure out what those things are. Talk about your sex life. Expand your sexual menu. What do you want to try? What is it? You could just talk about the last three times you had sex or you could even exchange a list

and say, let's write down the most three memorable times we had sex, and let's swap those lists. Do you know how much information you can find out just from that list alone? I had no idea that was a great night for you. And then you can unpack it and be like, oh, that's because we had a babysitter, or because my roommate almost walked in,

and that was really nerve-racking, but we were in this adrenaline-filled situation together that made it really hot. Role-playing, love a good role-play. I was thinking about this woman who called into the show and said she really wanted to try role-play and she didn't know what to do. I said, well, let's figure it out.

What's your partner into, what do you do? She loved the Chicago Bulls. And so did he. And they were in a long distance relationship and he was coming to meet her in Chicago and she decided, she thought, well yeah, you know, I really like dressing up. So she went, she got a Bulls cheerleader outfit, she put her hair back, she practiced some moves, like she got the whole room with like decorated with like Bulls paraphernalia and he came in and she was feeling all sexy in her cheerleading outfit and he was like couldn't believe that it was something

new because they had been together for a while and it was a really fun night. It was a new shared experience. It was something different. Maybe she even had a wig on, you know? Having a wig? I had a woman tell me once, like a woman who was like in her 80s and pulled me aside and said, do you want to know the best sex tip I've ever heard? I was like what? She's like, wear a wig who was in her 80s, and pulled me aside and said, do you wanna know the best sex tip I've ever heard? I was like, what? She's like, wear a wig. And think about it.

If you're always the blonde lover of your partner, and one time you show up and you've got like short, dark hair or blonde spiky wig, just something, you're different. You feel different too. Another thing is to have a night that's all about you, and then another night that's all about your partner. How great is that to know that tonight I am just giving and then the next night I get to receive?

And your partner, they choose what you do. They decide, they direct the show, like they encourage it. They're like, I got an idea. I'm gonna plan your sex night. You know, maybe they, you know, give you a massage or they play your favorite music or they feed you a favorite meal and then you have all the pressure off. So also trying out toys and products that could all be part of it but I promise you just getting on this sex journey together and saying okay we acknowledge, we recognize things are getting stale or things are going to get stale. Let's put some things in place here so we know that we are working towards keeping this really hot and

fresh because once it just gets stale and then you put on the back burner for a while, it's a lot harder to get it to get it sparked again. So keep the pilot light lit. I promise that will make a huge difference for all of you. So we'll get into your emails. This is from Kiara 26 in Boston. Hey, Dr. Emily, I just discovered your podcast today and I'm obsessed.

I've been binging your show all afternoon. My boyfriend and I have been together two and a half years. We're 26 and live at home, but we're neighbors, so it's convenient. I believe he does have delayed ejaculation. It usually takes between 45 and 60 minutes. We typically do different things like oral and then regular sex. And last night we were having sex and it was really hot in

the room like temperature-wise. About 40 minutes later he said it's not happening. And he's like, why don't you have sex with me anymore like you're used to? He said that to me. And immediately I'm offended. I decided to keep trying and then I decided to go down him again until he calms. Afterwards we had a long discussion about his comment because it hurt my feelings. He apologized and genuinely felt bad about saying what he said and didn't mean it. But the over-thinker I am can't stop thinking about it. Like is our sex life dying? Basically goes like this. Foreplay, missionary, me on top, reverse car girl, and then my legs are so tired

I usually just give him a blowjob and then he finishes on top of me again. We love each other. I don't want this to be our downfall. Give me some tips." All right, well first, oh there's a lot in here, Chiara. First, I think that it doesn't sound like you're getting any of your needs met here and to be going at it for 60 minutes every time you're having sex is a lot. And so what I heard from this, what I read from this, is that he might be frustrated because he's not able to ejaculate and he's taking that out on you. His response like, why don't you do it like you used to? I mean

does that even make sense? Was he coming a lot quicker then? I believe that he's probably a delayed ejaculator and was just using it to hurt you. Now he wasn't doing it on purpose because, you know, it sounds like he backed up and felt like it was a defensive, you know, some of us say things, that's why we always have to pause, but it sounds like he was just saying it in a moment on the defensive, feeling frustrated

that he couldn't ejaculate and just said it. Sometimes we do, sometimes we say things we do not mean it. I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt here too and say he probably didn't mean it. I feel like a lot of this has been about his needs and what he needs to get off. And I wanna know about what you need to get off and what turns you on.

You know, there's a lot of focus on his penis and I just want that equal amount of focus on your pleasure, your erogenous zones. I mean, with all that 45 minutes having sex with him and going down in him, where are you getting now? It can be pleasurable to do that, but are you getting pleasure? Are you having orgasms? Does he know how to go down in you and please you? That's what I want to hear more about, okay? I want to know that you're getting your needs met as well as his needs, okay? So let me know about that. Number four, how can I increase my sex drive?

There's often physical, emotional, social blocks to our libido, to feeling turned on, to feeling in the mood. But if we play detective, we can usually figure out what they are. So let's talk about removing those blocks so we can get our desire flowing again. Since we don't know what turns us on, like what's your sex script? What gets you in the mood for sex?

You know, I always say keep your pilot light lit. It is responsible for us to know what's our turn on. When am I the most turned on? Well, it's not when the house is a mess and I haven't been able to unwind from the day or my partner just comes up and says, wanna have sex? And you're like, that does not turn me on. What is your sex script? What's your fantasies? Masturbation's really helpful with this. Ian Kerner wrote a great book,

so tell me about the last time you had sex. And he talks all about the sex script. We also did a great podcast with him that I would check out. So maybe your spontaneous desire. I found that a lot of penis owners spontaneously get turned on. They see something, they get aroused, and it's visible.

It's physical. They get an erection. But with a lot of vulva owners, it's more responsive. We're responding to stimuli. We're responding to our partner's touch. We're responding to something nice they did for us around the house. And then massage, you guys.

Sometimes, if I'm not in the mood for sex, my partner's like, let me just massage your shoulders for a few minutes. To me, that could be a great turn on or maybe even just me getting a massage somewhere else. Just a regular massage, but that gets my blood flowing again and just gets me more embodied, which is what we're talking about. Because when we're stressed all the time, it's really hard to be in our bodies and in the mood for sex. Our nutrition plays a big factor. Our exercise, again, it's about

we are what we eat and getting blood flowing. And I don't want you to forget that stress is one of the biggest killers of our sex drive. So if you're under a lot of stress, anxiety, worry, worried about money, the kids, all the things, it's sex just might be way there on the back burner. Sometimes we think it's a low libido, but we really have high boredom. So there's a reason why you often ask, how do I spice up my sex life and keep it interesting? Trying something new, changing up locations, trying a lube, trying a toy, having a conversation with your partner might be just the thing to get you out of the boredom and into the

excitement again. All right, I'm gonna get into your email questions about your libido. Okay, an email from Melissa 22 in Illinois. Hey Dr. Emily, I'm gonna get into your email questions about your libido. Okay, an email from Melissa 22 in Illinois. Hey Dr. Emily, my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years and we just moved in together. When we first started dating we were like rabbits, couldn't get enough of each other. We only saw each other on weekends, due to long distance, we would still have sex multiple times a day. Things were like this for about a year and then we slowed things down and now we live together and he wants to have sex all

the time and I don't. He'll try to initiate sex and when I let him know I'm not feeling it he throws a fit. Sighs, rolls over and goes to bed instead of cuddling and enjoying time together like I want. I've tried talking about it but he gets upset and he thinks I'm no longer sexually attracted to him, which is not the case. I mean, I'm happy having sex once, twice a week. And that's the big turnoff for me. Like don't ask me at 5.30 when we're sitting at the dinner table. I'm not sure how to get in his head.

I'm still extremely attracted to him, but I just don't want to have sex like that all the time. Any advice? It's one of the only things we argue about. Okay, so this goes back to, hey babe, let's do it. Let's have sex right now. Like, I'm telling you that just saying like, let's do it now is not going to do that for your partner. When are you in the mood? Alyssa, it sounds like he hasn't really given you time to figure that out because he wants it every day. So there

also has to be some educating. You know, you're 22 years old, both of you probably don't have a ton of experience in other relationships, especially around this stuff. So I would have him listen to this together, give him some articles to read. Like a lot of it is they just don't understand and of course sexuality is tied into his ego. He feels rejected by you, she's saying no, and he's thinking you're not attracted to me. Which makes sense because you always have been for two years. You see what I'm saying? But for him to understand, no, oh I see, we need different things to get into the

mood for sex, right? First, I think we have to do a little bit of educating and saying, listen, I've learned a lot lately because I was feeling bad because you think I'm not sexually attracted to you, babe, and that's not true at all. But here's what is true. What is true is that I'm going to work on figuring out when I am most in the mood, what does turn me on, finding which days of the week works best for me. There's also been studies around different times of day that people want sex the most, and I think they were saying that vulva owners wanted sex more mid afternoon is when we're

all turned on. Don't feel bad if that's not you. But what I'm saying is it demonstrates what I'm saying that, you know, just because he wants it at night and you want to cuddle, you should still get your cuddles and maybe he gets his sex another day or in the morning or on the weekends when you have more time together. And let me also say this about the way he's handling your rejection, or he feels rejected, is that he's rolling over and he's getting angry and he's not using his words.

And honestly, that is a point for concern. I'm wondering if there's other areas in your relationship where he just shuts off and gets angry, because as the Gottmans would say, who we did a great show with, that it is a great indicator of the health of a relationship. If our partner just shuts us down and you know when they feel rejected, they hide. The other thing is being really clear. When you say no to your partner and you say not now,

you could say, you know what, I'm not feeling it right now. I'd love to cuddle. But maybe Friday night we could have a fun, sexy date night. So you're not just saying no, you're giving an alternate solution and you're asking for what you want. So I would practice with that as well. Rounding out our top questions, how can I last longer during sex? Help is on the way. There's some physical techniques that we have to learn here to delay your orgasm and have

a stronger, more intense finish. Sometimes it's technique, sometimes it's something that you can buy over the counter. But first I want to know why do you want to last longer during sex? Are you finishing before you're ready? Is your partner asking you that last longer so they could have more pleasure? Is it because you think you should last longer but maybe your partner's fine? I've heard all the things. So I just want you to check with yourself why is it. Now maybe you're experiencing PE or premature ejaculation where you're just ending too quickly. There are some things you could do that allows you to strengthen your ejaculatory control. Now I recommend

experimenting with Kegel exercises. They're not just for vulvas. Yes, if you have a penis you can do those as well. That helps you strengthen your pelvic floor and define the ejaculatory muscles that become stronger. Another thing is just try masturbating a few hours before you have sex. In some cases your penis is just happy, you know, to be having sex if you haven't had sex in a while and it just wants to release ASAP. So sometimes if we've already, you know, pre-gamed or whatever you pre-game, gotten it out, you know, ejaculated earlier in the day, you might find that you last a little bit longer. We also have an edging guide on our site.

Edging is a great way to learn to last longer. Edging can can do this for vulvas and penises and it is simply the practice of delaying orgasm to experience more pleasure. And you can download our free guide How to Do It. We got a lot of questions about it so we decided to put together guides you can learn the process of edging that can help you train yourself, train your body, so you can last longer and have more intense orgasms. All right, let's get into your questions. This is from RJ42. Hey Dr. Emily, what can I do as someone who ejaculates prematurely? It's embarrassing.

I get so turned on and I can't help it. It's literally within 30 seconds. I know communication is the key and also I love being the giver and giving oral. Is it something I should tell someone up front? Well you know I have found that sometimes when we take our attention off of ourselves during sex and we just start giving to a partner, we are not thinking about our penis, we're not thinking about our vulvas, we're not thinking how we look in bed, we're just really into pleasing our partners and then that takes the pressure out of our head. Maybe we start feeling less anxious and less worried.

Because sometimes we, you know, we come too quickly because, especially if you have a penis, it's because it's an anxiety response because you're so afraid it's gonna happen and then it happens again. So I think it's always great to let your partner know. Now you're saying, is this something I should tell someone up front? Why not? I mean, if you're with someone, you could say, I really love performing oral sex. I hope you're into it. Yeah, of course you can let them know. So I would say then give your partner pleasure, then there's less pressure on your penis. And I would also recommend that you, you're 42 years old. So I'm not sure if this has been

happening for you, if your whole life you've experienced premature ejaculation or it's just something that you've been experienced lately, but everything still stands. Strengthening your cuddly muscles, edging and breathing, going slow, taking the pressure off yourself. Alright, this is from Christina. Hey Dr. Emily, I desperately need your help. I've been married to my husband for two years and recently I told him about my desire to have sex with another man and he went crazy, of course. We've had struggled for a while with our sex life,

starting with the major fact that he won't last longer than two to three minutes, in which, of course, I had never orgasm and he does. Before I married him, my sex life was amazing. I'm very much sex positive and love everything about sex. On the other hand, he comes from a very conservative family. I think the fact that we got married too soon has a lot to do with things, but that's a longer story.

I love him and find him extremely attractive, but I don't really enjoy sex with him. It's just not good. We've tried toys, foreplay, and a few other things. Nothing seems to spark that excitement in my body anymore. It makes me sad because he was hurt by my comment, but I don't know what else to do. My first question for you is, has he always lasted two to three minutes? Did you know this before you married him? And he came from a conservative family, but also now

he's creating a new family with you. And you can let him know how important having a growth mindset around sex is. That's an important part of connection and longevity in marriage. It absolutely is. There's a few steps in this process. The first step is getting him to realize

that he has married somebody who doesn't share the same views with him about sex. He's married somebody who wants to work on the sex life, who wants to talk about it, who wants pleasure, wants her partner to last longer in bed. And now you're feeling like you're not excited anymore. And you actually, I'm going to be honest, you led with, I've told him that I want wanna have sex with another man. So now he's feeling even more shame about his penis

and the fact that he can't last longer. And that's gonna be something that you're gonna have to undo here. So I would say it's really important for you both to go see a therapist. I think it would be really helpful here. Saying that to him is hurtful. I don't know what kind of conversations

you had before that. I don't know if he was expecting you to say that, but I think if my partner came out and said that to me at a time of frustration, I would never forget that either. And the truth is, you're really not satisfied. So this sounds like a 911 situation to me, and that you're going

to need some help here in the spirit of once a week counseling to learn how to communicate with each other about what's really going on. I also love using toys, you know, penis rings were originally invented when they didn't have vibrations and all the fun things as like steel rings that you'd put around a penis to help restrict blood flow so it would last longer and stay harder. Jeju makes one called the Mio. It's a penis ring but it also vibrates so that can feel incredible on your vulva. When you're having sex he can wear it. While you're having sex you could ride him on top of him and move around and so that's the magic of this,

of the Mio and of penis rings. The other thing I haven't mentioned yet is that Promessent is a quickly absorbing delay spray that penis owners can put on about 10 to 15 minutes before sex. It's also important though to do the underlying things, the edging, the understanding your body, understanding if it's coming from anxiety.

I also recommend some other great books here as She Comes First, another book by Ian Kerner. You know, I think it's an important notion that for people, especially for, if you're in a heterosexual relationship and you have a penis and you're really worried about your performance, either you last too long or not long enough or you stay hard

or you don't stay as hard as you want, as long as you want to, focusing on your partner's pleasure first and then coming back to your own sometimes really helps change, reframe the whole sexual situation. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner.

You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, or X and Facebook. It's all at Sex With Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up on SexWithEmily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or just go to SexWithEmily.com slash Ask Emily.

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