Sex With Emily - Less Rejection, More Connection

Episode Date: February 19, 2020

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is talking about why your partner may be rejecting your sexual advances and how to get a better understanding around it. Plus, she’s answering your sex & relationship questions.She discusses the dreaded sex rejection – how to make it sting a little less and hopefully place more understanding around it. Plus, she gives advice on ways to handle different stress responses when it comes to sex, how to give your partner more sexy surprises when your confidence is low, and what to do when your wife is no longer interested in nipple play.Follow Emily on all social @sexwithemilyFor even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show I'm talking about why your partner may be rejecting your sexual advances and how to get a better understanding around it. Plus, I'm answering your sex and relationship questions. Topics include rejection, how to make it sting a little less and hopefully to a place a better understanding. You love nipple play but your partner is so not into it post baby. What gives? You want to give your partner more sexy surprises and bad, but your past has you feeling super nervous about it. What do you do? And how do you handle having different stress responses when it comes to sex? All this and more, thanks for listening. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Betrubized they call them in a fight on day. Hey, Avaline, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, Avaline?

What do you mean, like, laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here, so, bro. Being bad feels pretty good. What do you mean, like laundry? It's your drink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here. So, being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything you between for more information. Check out sexwithemily.com and you can find us on all social media. It is sex with Emily across the board. Intentions with Emily. So for each show, I start off by setting intention for the show and I hope you guys will do the same. So what I mean is when you're listening right now, what do you want to get out of listening to this episode? How could it help you? And maybe it's, wow, when I heard this show was about rejection, I know that I could react better when my partner turns me down for sex.

Maybe it's just I feel like I could learn how to deal with rejection better in all areas of my life. My intention is to help you find a little bit more understanding for each other. Think about it. If your partner is out in the mood for sex, you have to blame yourself. How can you react better? How do you stay in the mood and let your partner down gently? We don't want to hurt our partners feelings, do we?

I think we don't. All right guys, enjoy the show. Thanks for listening. All right guys, let's talk about sex rejection and how to get past it. So I'm here with producer Jamie because this really comes up. Hi, James. This comes up all the time. That you know, we're not always gonna be in the same sexual space as our partner. In fact, miss Bachelorette's or desire discrepancy is probably one of the most common challenges in relationships. So, just because your partner rejects you or they're not in the mood for sex for a night or for a while, people get rejected sometimes over and over, they have the reasons for it. But sometimes we don't even realize that we're hurt by our partner's rejections,

then we start blaming ourselves. And we think we did something wrong and it becomes a mess. So I want you guys to to learn something today about what it might mean when your partner says no to sex or when you say no to sex. I hope you break it down. Yes, because I think we're all really bad at doing that for the most part. How do you say notice something and then because no just feels like such a strong word. It is, right? It's no.

It is a strong word. And we feel like if I say no, essentially for pleasers, we just think, I'm just going to keep saying yes. So I don't want to hurt their feelings. But listen guys, there are ways to actually, there's a way to say no, that isn't going to suck. It's true. No doesn't have to suck every say no, that isn't gonna suck. It's true, no doesn't have to suck,

I'm not gonna do that to suck. So maybe like, okay, so maybe your partner is overworked, exhausted or just completely stressed out. And people often complain that partner doesn't want sex because they're too tired, but hey, we worked demanding jobs. Some of us really work hard, plus we're parents, they make them home, and we gotta take care of the kids,

we gotta cook, we gotta clean, which is also tiring. And then there's when there's big changes. Like, it's like a big change, and like, I'm just working late. I'm working a lot more jobs. I've got a second job now we have kids, and then that changes. So it just can feel impossible, insurmountable.

Like, how do I get in the mood for sex? How do I do it if my partner? It's like, you can't always turn your brain off either. Like sometimes there are other things pressing on your mind. You're like, I would love to have sex right now, but I'm thinking about all of these things. There's a million other things going on. Believe me, you know, it's a bit I do.

So like let's say you're this tired, stressed out one. I think the important thing is if you know, you're like, oh God, my partner's gonna want sex right now and I don't, what do I do? I think the most important thing is to let them know that it's not that you're just tired or avoiding them or you just say no and keep your headphones out and avoid them.

Let them know that you would like to have sex. Let them know when, maybe you guys could plant it for a few days from then or on the weekend, but that you, it's not anything to do with them, but your body, your mind, whatever's going on, you don't have the energy for it. I think it's important to explain why we say no. Yeah, instead of just being like,

no, I'm stressed out, like it gives them under why, okay, so I'm stressed out, but here is what's making me stressed out. Or in sometimes even the ability to vent might make you feel better, and maybe you will be in the mood after that. Exactly. Sometimes just talking it out makes us feel better.

Okay, if you're getting rejected, understand where your partner is coming from, right? So maybe they, you know, if they tell you that they're really stressed out or they're anxious about something, maybe if you try to help more with tasks that would make their life easier, surprise them, give them a relaxing massage or a bath,

and then try to have sex in the morning when they're rested. Right? Why not? Sometimes taking the pressure off of someone and just saying, it's okay, I'm here for you. I want me to help out. Let me do something. Well, actually, we just the thing they need to come back around.

So another thing is you guys being asked in the wrong moment and taking a sincere not right this second as a blanket. No. Now, this is a big one because sometimes we mean no, not right now. Let me finish up with something or we just, you know, we need a different kind of approach and we say no, not in this moment. So sex can't be spontaneous and if someone's in the mood and the other one isn't, it doesn't mean it's going to happen. So maybe your partner is in the middle of like pay attention. If we're cooking dinner, finishing up emails, texting, and you come over,

you start kissing them, you're turned on, you're like, I want to have sex right away, they might not be ready yet. Doesn't mean that they're never gonna be ready, or they might not be ready in a few hours, but sometimes we take it as a no, my partner always rejects me, and then we make it a bigger thing,

and then we go to bed unsatisfied, but really what could have happened is you could have just waited to have sex. Maybe your partner needed 15 minutes to finish dinner. You know, maybe she said no or he said no, and then you got to find it and then things were to shut down. So if you're asked in the wrong moment, even though this can be hard, if you're in the middle of the task, you might be like, no, but make it clear that you're doing a task

and you'll be ready for sex when it's finished. So you could say like, I don't want to be distracted babe, it'll be so much better afterwards or give me 15 minutes, give me half hour or even give me till tomorrow morning. It's okay to reassign it, but let your partner know it's not. And the reason why I bring this up, that it's not a blanket, no, because these things are faster, like people get rejected. And they've, you know, they just remember that one time

they get all sexy and dressed up and their partner didn't really see them or it's because their partner was busy. And they didn't feel accepted time they get all sexy and dressed up and their partner didn't really see them or and it's because their partner was busy and they didn't feel accepted and they start making efforts. So I think the clearer we can be in the moment of saying no better Yeah, I mean with you if I am even me who wants to have sex most We all the time if I'm doing something like if I am cleaning and you are trying to have sex me right then and there I'm just gonna be like I need to finish this task that I am visibly doing.

Please go wait for me in the bedroom. You can start without me. I would be there eventually. Exactly. I'm all, I'm down with you starting with this such a good thing, right? You know? Yeah. But then people were like, no, she said no, and now I'm mad.

Right. Or he hears you. Well, if you're the one getting rejected, try to see from their perspective, how being interrupted in the moment wasn't the best thing, wasn't the best time. And that if you're patient, you probably get up having sex anyways. So it's almost a matter of being present

and catching our responses, catching our reactions that kind of get us upset. Yeah, not getting hung up on yourself too, like, oh, I asked them in the wrong moment. Now I feel bad about myself. Now everyone feels bad. It's more about like, oh, if I had thought about it, she or her is doing a task. If I was doing that task, I probably wouldn't want to be interrupted either.

Right. Really being able to see from the other person's shoes. You could walk in their shoes for a day. Okay, part of his body is made fun of or it's change and they're not comfortable being naked. This is another reason why we don't want to have sex. You know, you guys, I hear this all the time, we feel like we have saggy breasts or alabia's too long

or we've gained too much weight or our penis is too small. We've got stretch marks, feeling loose after childbirth. You know, it's really hard to forget all these things when we are being approached for sex by our partner. And we get so conscious. And so I think if we're the one, if we're a walker of all these insecurities, because we often get collars in this show,

they're like, how can I get my wife to feel beautiful with someone calling other dates? A lot of it really is an inside job that we have to learn to love love ourselves even if we're trying. So if you have the insecurities, you know, remember that your partner loves you and they're attracted you and they're with her for a reason. They don't people don't see our flaws the way we do. That's hard to forget. It's hard to forget that like not everyone is seeing like because if you ever had a zit on your face,

you're like, oh my God, I have this huge zit. And then the person you told that to, is like, I didn't notice until you told me. Yeah, and now I can see your zit. Exactly, that's what happened. Exactly the point. Listen, they're naked with you, they're in bed with you, they're in bed with you,

they're probably turned on. And confidence we always hear time and time again, is the sexiest thing in the bedroom. So if you can learn to kind of, you can practice it in the mirror, move past whatever your insecurities are, and learn to love the parts of early, learn to kind of, you'd practice it in the mirror, move past whatever your insecurities are, like learn to love the parts of early, learn to accept the parts of yourself that. Yeah, acceptance is, does that have to be positive acceptance?

And that that can turn to full on confidence. Then if you're getting rejected, you know, it does help to complement your partner, reassure them, let them know how attractive they are to you. And think about things before you say them. If you have something like, yeah, I can tell. Or maybe you should go to the gym or, yeah, you know, if you've been the one criticizing them, that's, that's going to feed into it. So if you can find a way to, um, kind of come back from that, kind of rack that, talk to your partner, explain to them where it might have come from. Maybe that could help them feel better.

Because sometimes we do, we also make these little nonchalant comments that aren't even to us. It would be an insult. But because that's an insecurity of someone else, they fixate on that. And you might even remember you said anything. Well, that's a thing. And we hear things. We remember that you can say, you're part of it.

Well, I remember one time you told me that you've never seen a labia like mine before and I took that to mean that it wasn't natural or normal and that you hated it. And then maybe this gives your part, oh no, I didn't mean that. I just meant it was unique or I meant it was, I think the more we give light to the things that we are keeping in the dark, the more we grow, healthy we become. Another reason we might not want to have sex is pain. Either sex is actually causing us pain

or we're just in pain in general. And we're like, I like your back pain. I don't want to have sex with my back hurts, right? So eight percent of women that experience pain during sex at some point in their lifetime, and that's a pretty high percentage. Some women have it all the time, some women just, you know, now and then, and then we normalize it.

And we're like, too embarrassed to tell our partners, well, wow, I've got some pain. So they make up another excuse. And so I think if you're in pain, you've got to let your partner know that you are in pain and that you're going to try to figure out some solutions together. Remember, you're both in this sex game together. And you don't have to live with pain during sex. Maybe it's seeing a pelvic floor physical therapist getting checked out, figuring what it is. So you can start to rebuild and actually have sex that's not painful. If you're getting rejected, understand that you got to be patient and that you're going to work with them on getting the problem solved, like figuring out how they

can manage pain. When we're suffering in a relationship since, we don't have to ask for help when we need, but since we've seen our partners to know that they're there, that they're invested in our health, that they want to help us get through it. Let's say you've been having pelvic floor pain, and you go to physical therapist, and they give you a dilator that you have to use a few times a week to help alleviate some of the pain. Well, as the partner, maybe you could say, hey, you don't want me to sit with you while you do your exercise there or how are they going or take an interest in their recovery. And somehow maybe even makes that sexy in a way.

Well, yeah, I was thinking like some mutual masturbation or using the dilator with them. Yeah, because I would hate to feel alone in this. Like imagine, because you're letting your partner down because you don't wanna have sex. You don't wanna tell them you're in pain because you might think that's normal or whatever. And then you finally tell them, and then your partner's like, oh my God, I don't wanna

hurt you like this. Right. I was figuring out together. Exactly. And then yeah, you're right. And then your partner's like, oh, I don't why you have pains, I know I feel like having this. I don't wanna have this sex. Yeah. And then you, the sex. You could have been this sex. I love, you're right. And then your partner's like, oh, I don't why you have pains on it. I feel like having this. I don't want to have the sex.

Yeah. And then you, the sex. You could have been the sex. I love when you say that. It's my new favorite thing. Okay. Um, this one. Okay.

The other thing is there was no build up. This is a big one. You guys, quickies can be amazing. You know, I get it. I get it. But sometimes your partner just wants to be seduced. They want to be kissed. They want to be touched.

They want to be romance and take their clothes off slowly. And sometimes it actually doesn't feel good. We're actually not going to get in the mood if we don't have a build up. So we need it. So maybe instead of going right for the sex, you can go out for dinner, go dancing, and massage, making out that can help alleviate,

that can help kind of get us in the mood. So how do we react better this? Okay, so let's say there's no build up and you need build up. You can let your partner know that you're not ready for sex yet and it's going to be amazing. You want to make out for a minute or you want to slow it down. It's okay to say to your partner, let's just kind of slow this down right now. I'm not ready or let's revisit it tomorrow because this escalated and I wasn't there. I wasn't on board. I wasn't there. That wasn't on board.

I wasn't there. I left the room. If you're getting rejected, take your time. Teasing is fun. Now, this is a new skill you gotta learn. Some people just have learned just to rush right through sex. Not every time it has to be a whole production, but once in a while, yeah, I believe, I believe, you know, taking your time teasing, finding out what your partner needs for this build up for

a rousal. Yeah, because even like I can, or it hasn't pretty fast regardless, but even if that's the case, it's so much nicer when you prolong it because then you feel more connected and then it, you want it even more. Well, that's the intimacy, I think, that all of us crave because quick sex is more of like scratching an itch. But if we're really craving a deeper intimacy and connection, that comes from prolonged rousal and teasing and all that stuff.

And actually our orgasms are, can be a lot more, if that's your focus. Doesn't have to be, but they can even be more intense when we wait. Yes. I love it. Alright, guys, that's how to deal with rejection and with sex so you guys can learn to connect and have deeper intimacy. We're gonna take a quick break and we come back.

We're gonna get into your email questions. I love answering your questions. That's why I do what I do. So if you want a question answered on the show, go to my website, sexwithmwe.com, click the Ask Emily tab, fill up the short form, check a yes if you'd like to be called a call into our show. Five Nights a Week. You can also email me feedback at sexwithmwe.com, include your name, your age, where you

live, and how you listen to the show. All right, thanks guys. Okay, producer Jamie, you wanna read the emails. Of course. Okay, this first one comes to us from Zach 25 in Colorado. Hi, Dr. Emily. My question is, ever since my wife had our daughter two years ago, she really doesn't like Nipple play.

She says it reminds her of breastfeeding. Is there any way I can get her to like the feeling of sucking on them, slash touching them again? That was a big part of our foreplay, and I wish I could get her to enjoy it again. Thanks for any tips. Alright, Zach, thanks for your question. So here's the deal. When women give birth, when we age, move through the decades, our bodies change.

And so does our hormones, our desires, what we like in the bedroom, the frequency of sex, there's a lot of things that are going to change. So while your wife might not have the same exact feelings about you, you know, with nipple play, I don't think that she's completely, I'm fairly confident she can get back to a place of enjoying sensation. So it's more like she got a new pattern, she like is associating nipple play with breast reading. like she got a new pattern, she like is associating Nipple play with with breastfeeding. So now we got to get her to kind of rediscover

the sensitivity of her nipples again. So I would say let her know you can talk to her outside the bedroom and just say, you know what? I love watching you be a mom. I love our sex life all the things that are great and then say and I really miss playing with your with your nipples I I would love just to slow down. Kind of like I always tell Jamie, like, take sex off the table when things get. Like sometimes you don't, if intercourse is a problem, you kind of want to bring back massage. Well, I think with her, you could say, I just want to lightly start to massage your breasts. I want to start like massaging the sides of them. It feels really good.

Like, give them, like, explore her breasts in a bunch of different areas That are not the nipples. So it's kind of like a tease like when you're teasing your thighs and you're playing with your inner thighs So now because I've just it discovered it recently There's how great it feels when someone I'm showing Jamie right now like massaging my breasts are the side of them and then you Tease it maybe use a light touch and then you go back to the nipples. And if you can totally build, if she can build up, if you can take it slow, and she can start to kind of rediscover all those nerve-ending sensations, I think she's going to get that feeling back, and she's going to learn to love the nipple feeling again. Now, if she doesn't, like if for whatever reason, she can't get there, I'm sure you guys

can find some other ways to play in bed. Yeah, and I love what you're saying about just not touching the nipples and the breasts as a whole, because I also do feel like sometimes the whole breast gets ignored. It does. But that, it does feel good. I love a good tit massage. Yes. It's nice.

I love every kind of massage, and that one in particular. Yes. It's like, we hold tension every kind of massage, and that one in particular. Yes. It's like, we hold tension in there. We're wearing bras all day. I know. We deserve a massage every single night once we get the goddamn bra off. I would love just to have like a bra that felt like hands.

If what if you had a bra that just felt like hands? It would be so comfortable. It'd be like a hug all day. Oh my God, you could hug all day. That's right. And maybe it has a little like soft velvet or something. Maybe it vibrates every once in a while. It's like, hello. It's like, it's like a little lift up.

All the ideas we come up with on this broadcast are great. Oh man. I just think we really want to get a breast massage now. Like I really want to ask a partner to do what you can do. Massage oil, they can do like the womb or play coconut oil. Yeah, what you can do massage oil they could use like the womb or play coconut oil. Yeah, what are they going to say? No. Exactly. And if they say no, then we have zero left words to say to each other. Okay, there's the door. All right, let's go next one. All right, this next one comes to us from Jordan female 25 in Wisconsin. Dr. Emily,

my boyfriend and I are big fans. We always listen and agree on your great tips. We've been together for three years now, but somehow I still don't feel confident with our sex life. I want to surprise him more and keep it alive, so what are some good tips to get myself a little more comfortable to introduce toys and lingerie to our love life?

I really want to feel more confident and sexy. I was in a relationship a few years ago that was emotionally and physically abusive and sex was a joke. When I tried to be sexy, it was hilarious to him and I'm so afraid of being turned away or laughed at. Okay, Jordan, thanks for your email and I love hearing, we love hearing her

and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her and hearing her That makes me like that gives me like that's why I'm alive feeling so thank you for sharing that a lot of couples

Do have success in listening so during you seem like super evolved like you're doing the work here You understand that your last relationship wasn't healthy and perhaps that that is having an impact on you and your confidence in the bedroom So while it's not great to go through things and you know past relationships when we learn from them like that's where the magic happens through things and you know, past relationships when we learn from them, like that's where the magic happens. So especially when people make comments and they don't make you feel great about yourself. So I would say that someone this is going to be a you, you thing to do that, trying on the laundry or something. I think like laundry is amazing, but if you have like something that makes you feel sexy

and you could kind of practice in your bedroom, how I've done this, like I've gotten sexy laundry and like a little roby thing and I was like, okay, I'm going to boyfriend's house, I'm gonna like look how I look in the mirror. Like this is how I want to move. This is who I am. And like I could go, oh God, my thighs look weird and my left boobs bigger than my right boobs,

but instead I had gotten myself into the mindset of like I'm gonna look how I look as like this sexy goddess in the mirror. That's who I am. And then that is what helps. That's part of it. And even if you just get to the point of like, I look okay, that just to see how you look and practice confidence.

That's the part you gotta do on your own. I'm a big fan of us working on sex, working on our sex lives together with our partner, because sometimes one partner is carrying the whole burden of having to fix it. But this part, the self-confidence part, starts with you. But then also what you guys could do together is check out the yes, no, maybe list on our site. You can download it, yes, no, maybe. And

then you guys could sit there together and you could each fill out and figure out, hey, what feels good to me? What feels good to you? Are we both into spaking? Are we into dressing dressing up or we into trying different things and it gives you all these options. Maybe it's press play, you know, and then you check and then you compare after you're like, yes, I'm yes is in here, I'm no is in here, or maybe is, okay, so once you guys do that, then you have a blueprint.

You kind of have a roadmap to think, okay, well, we are both into, we both want to receive central massages. Then the surprise comes in, where you set it up one night, maybe he comes home and you give him a blindfold, you lay him down in the bed, you have some massage candles lit, and then you start to do some of the things

that you learned that you both like. And there's something very empowering about taking charge of that. So for example, if you give him a blindfold and then you put on your sexy outfit and you tease him and you use, like, play with different parts of his body. He's not going to know what comes next. It's a very exciting way to spice it up and

play together. I love that you brought up the blindfold because that might make it easier for her to bring in the laundry because maybe the first time she doesn't take the blindfold off. So she's just getting used to the sex and the playfulness in the laundry without him actually having to see her. Exactly. And then the next time. That's great him actually having to see work. Exactly. And then the next time. That's great.

You take it off. Right. Because then you're in the vicinity of sex. Yes. And you might just feel so sexy that you can't help it. Take the blindfold off. Exactly. If that happens, we're happy.

All right. Thanks for email. We appreciate you, Jordan. This next one is Cassie 34 from New Mexico, dear Dr. Emily. My husband and I respond to stress very differently. My body responds to stress by shutting down. I want a snuggle, watch TV, and sleep. His body responds to stress by yearning for sexual intimacy to relieve it,

because both of our jobs deal with the well-being of other people who are often stressed and typically at the same time. Add kids to the mix and forget about it. How can we help each other in these times when we have polar opposite reactions? All right, Cassie, thanks for your email. Just so you know, this is a very common struggle that a lot of couples are facing right now. We're all running around, so goddamn stressed out.

It is hard to connect, it actually can really destroy our sex life. So it sounds like you both just need to take some time to de-stress, get out of your comfort zones there at home and maybe like take a trip together, take a day off, get a babysitter, rent a hotel room for a night, you would be amazed at what a change of location for even a night can do for a reset. So you can reconnect when it's not as stressed.

And do you make time, and I understand having kids, and also this is just a time when you have young kids and you have jobs and you're working, it is just a struggle for several years. But if you can think about it, okay, well, when are we the least stressed? Now this is going to take a little effort, but I think it's worth it. So maybe it's setting the alarm for 15 minutes earlier in the morning because you're like, you know what, if we have 15 minutes for intimacy to connect in the morning, then we'll both feel connected as we go about our day or maybe it's Saturday mornings.

And the kids are all off doing something or you have a babysitter or you go somewhere because this is like as important as your workouts, it's important to go into the kids games, it's important as everything else, family dinner, your time to de-stress and then to connect with each other and have sex is actually a priority. So, if you put it in the schedule and you say this is the time to go to have sex, this time we're going to be intimate, so you guys could kind of know that that's going to happen and look forward to it and make sure you're the right headspace, I really think that

would be a solution. I could help you both. So, this next one is from Josh who is 43 in Colorado. Hello, Dr. Emily, big fan. I was in a 15 year marriage that ended and I'm now on dating apps mostly, but what I experience is this. The women I'm interested in won a long term relationship

and I'm not saying that I don't, but I'm also not saying that I do. The women who want to just date, I'm usually not interested. I feel bad on dates if women are looking to be married or at least monogamous and I can't say that is what I want, but it's not that I don't want it. I know it's what I want with the right person but how do you handle this? If you, what if you love dating someone but you don't want to marry them but in the beginning

they communicate that they do. It's like everyone is jumping from first date to joint bank account. I want to see more than one person a while and then maybe get exclusive and then we will see. It's like a three year process and the women I date who I find wonderful, hot and amazing, want to be married yesterday. So what does one do? All right, thanks, Josh, for your question.

And it's good to hear from you. So, okay, this makes sense. You're married for 15 years and you're back on the apps and a lot of women, they are looking for long-term commitments. They are looking for marriage as are a lot of men. But you can let someone know that you'd like to date casually and that that's what you're looking for right now. You can be totally honest.

I just got out of a marriage. I'm kind of figuring out what my next steps are. I'm looking to spend some time with a few people. And you know, eventually maybe you want to be in a longer term relationship, but right now you don't want to jump in right away. You can let them know that. I agree with you that it does take time and I sort of date more like you do. I feel like I, how should we know after a few dates if this is something we want to move forward with and have a relationship?

I think that if you are dating a few people at once and you're really honest about it to everybody and to yourself, then you get to kind of see, well, what's out there? Who am I now? Who is Josh as a 43 year old man who got out of a 15 year marriage? You might not know what kind of woman you're looking for, what kind of relationship you want. So there's nothing wrong with you wanting this, but I think the big thing here is communication being up front on the app so that you're not looking for something serious, and then you are open to whatever happens. Just let it know, but let them know, put it out there so everyone's on the same page. If you like the show, find us, rate us five stars

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