Sex With Emily - Less Stress, More Sex!

Episode Date: March 17, 2017

Low sex drive: we never think it will happen to us. But even the most sexual of beings can suffer to the loss of a once-lively libido. On today’s show, Emily is taking your calls and giving personalized advice to help you get your mojo back. Are you a Nervous Norman when it comes to talking with women? Is moving back in with your mom keeping you from getting your groove on? How do you keep the sex sizzling when stress starts to take over? Emily helps callers navigate through these dilemmas toward a happier and healthier sex life, and shares her take on The Bachelor contestant Raven’s not-so-shocking reveal! Stress happens, life happens and low libido definitely happens. This podcast is packed with guidance to help you get your sex drive back on track, so don’t miss it! Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep this podcast FREE: Vibratex, Sportsheets, FT Toys, Promescent and System JO Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and today's show I'm taking your calls and answering all your love and sex questions. Should you give your partner the go-ahead to have sex with someone else? How do you get your sexual mojo back when you still live at home? What's the secret for asking a woman out? Plus tips for destressing for better sex. All this and more, thanks for listening. This got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common all the way? What do you mean, like laundry?

It shrinks? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here. I'm gone. Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily, we're talking about sex relationships and everything

in between. For more information, go to sexwithemlee.com and subscribe. Make it so easy for you. You can subscribe to our newsletter, social media, and most importantly, I love when you subscribe to the podcast. It just makes our life easier too. It really helps. We want to do more shows. It helps support the show and when you rate the show, I love that as well and I teams that helps and I just appreciate hearing from all of you. So thank you and also social media. You know about that, right?

It's all at sex with Emily across the board. Sampt out Twitter, Instagram, all that stuff. Okay, it's spring. This is the season for spring cleaning and we wanna help you tidy up your sex and dating life with a giveaway. So when you're spring clean, it's all about like

out with the old and with the new feels really good to get rid of all that stuff that's been sitting around. So what we want to know from you is what bad sex dating or relationship habit are you ready to throw out in two set, 2017? Like have you been dating the same type of people over and over again? It's not working for you. Are you just having bad sex with your partner and you haven't been able to talk about it yet? Been faking orgasms or you just wanna try something new in the bedroom, whatever it is. What does that have it?

What is that pattern we wanna hear from you? Because even writing it down, you guys will be power. Writing down what you wanna change, I guarantee it's probably gonna happen. So there's a lot of power in that. Just sending it to me and letting me know. And if you do that, if you email me, feedback at sexathelemy.com

by March 27th, we're gonna pick a winner and guess what you're gonna get. My favorite thing, the Magic One Retargeable, the Magic One. You've heard me talk about the Magic One for years. It's amazing. So email us what you're ready to give up with sex-religious-dating-feedback at sexathelemy.com.

Okay, a few weeks ago, there were some shocking news. Shocking news. I have that in my fake air quotes, okay? So if you watch the Bachelor TV show, which I know so many people do, they're obsessed with the Bachelor because like every week there's always news about the Bachelor, right?

He's being an asshole, all the women on the show are like getting naked or they're fighting with each other. There's always a headline. But this was my favorite Bachelor headline ever. Raven, one of the contestants, claimed a national television to the Bachelor that she's never had an orgasm. Never had an orgasm. And he was stunned.

The Bachelor Nick, he was stunned. He was like, whoa, never had an orgasm. And I'm sure that you weren't something like a lot of women. I'm like, yeah, of course, I've've never had orgasm either, but this just still surprised me that so many people and the men are like, wow, you haven't had an orgasm. Yes, you guys, this is true. So many women do not have orgasms. You know, many cheap orgasms, 95% of the time during intercourse and only 10% of women have had one during the act and slightly more women have never had an orgasm at all. So I just love this was on National Television.

I love that this was on television and made headlines, so it all reminded all of you that this is an issue. I'm not making it up, you guys. I know I have to do every day about it, but you guys orgasms, you gotta work on it. Your responsibility for women to figure out how to get yourself to orgasm and also talk to your partner about it and communicate you guys. Thank you to the bachelor. I've never been so excited about episode of that in my entire life.

Sex in the news. Men deal with stress by watching porn. Okay, you guys all know the stereotype of a woman who's like sad and depressed and she cries into like a pint of ice cream because she's having a really rough day. Well, it turns out that that stereotype that we've all heard about are like women sitting

around eating bun and jerrys when they're upset is actually true. It's a 100% accurate, I guess, you know, it says that the study says that men up to watch porn or have sex when they're feeling down or Neemia pick me up and 51% of women down themselves from comfort food to come anxiety compared to 31% of men who like order double pizza Isn't eat both of them when they're upset. This is why you guys. This is why we wanna binge on all this food, like bad food when we're stressed out, because it has to do with our adrenal glands. And the stress hormone, it releases cortisol.

So you guys have all heard of like stress and cortisol, right? So when we're stressed, we release more cortisol and that increases our appetite. And so we're so hungry and we're like upset and we're stressed and so we're like, we just want to eat everything. That's what happens to women.

But with men, 27% of guys see they'd rather have sex. Like that's how they, when they're anxious and they're upset and they're getting that cortisol, they're like, I just want to have sex because sex is going to make me feel better. Only 11% of women turn to sex. So here's like another thing with men and women that make really like no wonder we have so many challenges. I just want to say no to night scream and you want to masturbate or have sex. So the thing is, we all know that we have sex that you release these endorphins, right?

So when you have an orgasm and you're connected to release the feel good hormones, right? The combat that cortisol that stress hormone we're like, oh, endorphins feel so good, right? So even from eating, right? So for women we're like, oh, this feels so good to eat. I'm so confident you know, and then we might feel kind of bad after.

Just like men or women who have compulsively have sex, like we're going after the drug, it's like a drug, right? So for women, we're like, oh, this feels so good to eat. I'm so confident. You know, and then we might feel kind of bad after just like men or women who have compulsively have sex like we're going after the drug. It's like a drug, right? This adorfant is a high that we're both searching that we're searching after to calm our nerves. But the problem here is that I find interesting going back to orgasms is that if the women were having more orgasms, right? Because we already know that women are not if we're having more orgasms and we were like had enough confidence in sex that we were going to have an orgasm. we would probably be craving sex as well to kind of calm more nerves and to get rid of our stress, but we're not. We have more confidence that eating this like ice cream cone here is going to make me feel better than sex. So that kind of bums me out.

I'd love it if we all just got really stressed out and had a lot more sex. That would be like my dream solution. So still really I think just focus on the orgasms. Let's all just masturbate more and figure out. I especially women understand your body. What makes you feel good? At least men and women can have that in common that we just want to have a lot of sex

when we're anxious. So that's what I got to say about orgasms. I can't guarantee that's the last time I'm going to talk about orgasms on the show. But right now, let's give a shout out to our sponsors. Thank you for supporting them. We love them. I, you know, I never ever talk about a product

I recommend anything that I haven't tried myself and I think will help make your life a lot happier So thanks for listening. I'll be right back Okay, and now we're on to your calls if you have a question you want me to answer on the show That makes you so happy. I love it go to sexualme.com and click on the Ask Emily tab and then you can submit your question right there and you can also select if you'd like to be called for the show. So you can leave a call or an email or even a voicemail. Do that 8-8-ask-swe1. That's 8-8-275-7-9-3-1.

I love hearing from you and please include also your age where you live and how you listen to the show when you're saying the email. Can't wait to hear from you. Okay, our first call is Dylan. He's 23 from the Bay Area, and he's been struggling with a low sexual desire, so he's looking for a different way to keep his partner satisfied.

Hey, Dylan. Hi there. Hi, thanks for calling in. So tell me a little about what's going on. Well, my girlfriend and I have been dating for about two years, and we've lived with each other for almost that whole entire time. And recently we've just been experiencing some kind of losses in attraction towards each other. She's the kind of person who likes to have sex every day,

I'm the kind of person who likes to have sex every two to three days, and it just wasn't quite matching up. And so I tried a bunch of different things, I tried going to therapy and talking with her and trying to figure some stuff out. I read, she comes first by Ian Kerner, great book, fantastic book. Yeah.

But regardless of all those things, she still wasn't quite interested enough in me or didn't feel like she was getting enough attention from me. I guess my question is, should I allow my girlfriend to go out and experience other men? So please, are sexually. Is that what she's asking you for? That is, yes. Okay, so she said to you, I'd like to sleep with other people, kind of open up our relationship.

Yes. Okay, so this sounds like this has more to do with her than any feeling on your part. Like you're pleasing her. You guys have been in therapy. You've talked about it. And what do you think about that? How do you feel about that? The fact that she wants to open it up. Because I don't see you doing anything wrong. I see that like you guys are 23 years old. You've been together for two years, living together. This kind of happens. Yeah. It definitely does happen. And you know, I mean, we had some very mature conversations with each other and realized that we're both young people and that we have a lot of life to happen. And you know, I mean, we had some very mature conversations with each other and realized that we're both young people

and that we have a lot of life to live. And we love each other like crazy. And we have complete faith that we're going to be with each other in our later years. But at this point, it is kind of looking like we're going to split up. And that hurts. Of course, honey, of course, that hurts.

Yeah. It's like your first love, right? Your serious relationship, you live together, you've tried everything. I'm so glad you read that book that's gonna serve you well. You've been in therapy, I mean, you sound like a really good guy

who's really took this seriously, like a lot of people would just be like, ah, it's not working, let's just break up, but you've really tried. And the truth is, you just might need more experience. You know, it sounds like yeah, there's mismatch libidos, which happens really common in couples, you know,

maybe yeah, you're right, maybe you will come back later in life. Who knows what's going to happen, but right now I just don't want you to beat yourself up that you've done anything wrong. How do you? Well, yeah. I'm definitely giving her as much space as she needs. Obviously, I still have a large sexual and emotional attraction to her, and that's really

difficult to kind of distance myself from her and give her her space for that but It's it's progressing in an interesting way. She is actually dating another guy. Oh, she already is dating another guy Okay, and are you still together and you're living together still? Yes, but I'm also trying to find my own space now You have to find your own space. Wait, so you guys kind of broke up or you've opened up the relationship? It's it's really a gray area right now. It's okay. I think you're right. No, it sounds really strange and it sounds like, first of all, it's really hard for couples to be together and then to open up the relationship. Couples typically open up the relationship when they're in like in a really solid place and they're like, you know what? I love you. This is great, but I really want

to experience other people, but we're still gonna be each other's primary partners. She's out there dating other people as you should when you're ready, but I don't think that you can continue to live together and think that, I mean, she's already sleeping with other people, like I think that you have to get out of this, you have to get out of the lease and find another place to live

and then end the relationship because it's very hard to stay together. If you open up, and I'm saying it's couples to bigly open it up and then they, and I'm saying it's couples to openly open it up, and then they win their good place. But you can't stay like you still want to be with her and so I'm going to let her sleep with someone else. So you're going to be tortured, right?

I mean, okay. So this isn't going to work, is what I'm saying. I mean, how's it feel right now? Mm-hmm. Yeah, no, I absolutely understand. And it is difficult for me because like this is the person that I've been down next to every single night for the last two years. I know this person about physically and it's like the most comfortable space that I could be at

the end of the day is in that bed with her. I know. And there's all these conflicting feelings of needing to distance myself and being slightly disgusted by her being touched by other guys and it's just yeah it's kind of weird. Are you still lying down in bed with her every night after she comes home from the dates? Yes, I have set my own limits. I'd like her to take a shower and brush her teeth

before she lays down next to me or gives me a good night kiss. Okay, how about a hand? Yeah, okay, so Dylan, this doesn't sound, it sounds like you signed up for something here that isn't the healthiest thing for you. And I know what you're saying is like the thought of being without her is so painful to you right now because she's your norm, you love her, you're so comfortable with her.

But I have to tell you, there's legions of people, we've all gone through breakups, we've all gone through these hard things, we all think we're never gonna get over it and we're not gonna find someone else. And you know, you're gonna have a hard, it will be hard and that's okay. But what you gotta do is you gotta find your own space And you know, you're going to have a heart, it will be hard. And that's okay. But what you got to do is you've got to find your own space. Okay. I think you have to move out. It's not a healthy situation. She's not going to be able to give you what you want right now,

not because of anything you did wrong, just because of where you guys are at in your life and what she wants right now. But this isn't what you want and you're not going to feel good about this. I'm concerned this is going to continue to damage yourself a steam because you just don't want to go through the breakup, which I understand. But I'm telling you the other side of this, when you break up and you move out and you go through all

this stuff and it's going to be hard, you're also going to come out the other end and you're going to feel so much better and stronger and you're going to learn a lot about yourself and what you actually want in a relationship or what you don't want, but you got to do this. Yeah. Are you prepared for that? Powerful words, Emily. Powerful words. Yeah. It's all true. I know. Yeah. Are you prepared for that? Powerful words, Emily. Powerful words. Yeah. It's all true.

I know. I know because I know the stories you're telling yourself like, well, if she brushes her teeth and I'm just here like reality check, no, this isn't good for you, Dylan. I care about you right now, taking care of yourself. Whatever steps you need, talking to your friends, if you can live with your family for a while, but this has to happen like in the next month. Yes. Okay.

Can you do that? Okay. You got to get month. Yes. Okay. Can you do that? Okay. Okay. Dylan, keep me posted. I want to know how this goes, but I'm so glad you emailed. I mean, we were talking. So I think this is going to be, this is going to be good for you. You got this.

You sound like an amazing guy. Yeah, thank you so much. You're welcome. I love your show and I'll absolutely like email you back if anything changes. Okay. This is a really interesting story and I don't know if your listeners would be interested or not that, yeah.

We would be, we've actually been talking about the fact that we have all these people I help talk to them and I always truly, truly Dylan, like I'm invested in you right now and I actually wanna know, I always want you to email me a month but like tell me that you moved out. Yeah, let me know what happened.

You can even call in again, okay? I'm here for you. Oh, that's so sweet. I love you, Emily. I love you too, Dylan. Hang in there. You got this we'll talk to you Okay By Dylan all right. Bye. Have a good one. Okay. So how do they area? Bye? Dylan you guys I've been there

I've been there. We've all been there that break up It just seems like we can't get through but I'm telling you we've all survived breakups, we don't die. We actually get healthier after them, but we don't feel like we're in it. And I want to know, like, you guys, I love hearing from you, and I love talking you. These calls are great because we can really get to the bottom of what's happening. And actually, we'd love you guys to follow up because I always hear that you're, you know, you email and you're like, I've helped you and it's changed your life. And I want to know areas, like I would love to hear your stories or if we've talked or you've emailed and I've given you and it's changed your life. And I want to know areas. Like, I would love to hear your stories or if we've talked or you've emailed

and I've given you advice and what's happened since then. We'd love to do that. We'd love that follow-up. I wonder if Dylan, he's got this though. Okay, our next call we have Aisha. She's 20 from Massachusetts. And she recently moved back into her mom's house and feels like she's lost her mojo

and she wants to get it back. Hi, Aisha, how are you? Hi, I'm good, how are you? Good, thanks for calling. Yeah, I'm so excited to be on the show, I love your show. Oh, I'm so glad, I'm happy to be talking to you, so tell me a bit about what's going on. You're living in your mom's house.

Well, yeah. That's always tough, okay? Yeah. I mean, not always, but for you, I understand. Okay. And it was, yeah, I mean, I'm really close with my mom. I like living with my mom. It's not terrible. It's just that it makes my sex like more complicated because she, you know, when I was growing

up, she was really strict about stuff like this. She was open and inclusive education and wanting us to be safe, but was always super intimidating with boyfriends and stuff. And I think she wants to transition out of that, but it's been kind of challenging for her to be like, okay, you're sleeping at a guys house, and I have never had to face this with you before, so this is so weird. Right.

And I'm not even joking. I can't even masturbate without her knowing. You're so fooling me. So you masturbate and she's like, hey, what's going on in there? Like, she knows that you're masturbating? She will cover my room without knocking. OK, this is not OK. So I wouldn't even do it.

This isn't OK. Why did you have to move back into your mom's house? Well, it's just that it's like it makes financial sense right now. But I think that I'm going to, like, I have a few friends who live on farms and might let me live with them and just work on the farm to pay rent, which works for me. But the animals won't care. I sense I asked you.

Yeah, exactly. They don't care if you're massed or they're making noises. Oh, yeah. They're all about the noises. When I broke a question, it was before I actually met a guy in the, like, who lives close to my mom? And he's actually with me right now. He's outside the room, but he is, I'm on a date with him right now, like he's at this house where I'm house sitting.

But so it's been cool because I've been able to go to his house and like, we don't have to be, you know, dealing with my mom and all this stuff. But, but I was curious in general about like, what kinds of like, any advice about like setting boundaries around that stuff without offending my mom. Because I do really care about her. I don't want her to know that's a really good question And I didn't mean to say like God everyone has a problem living at home

I'm just like parents, you know like you're 20 you put you lived out of the house for a while and you move back in and so I Think you can just say to her like you have to have you do ever have any talks with your mom about Confrontations or anything if you had a serious talk with your mom about things will go in your life. Yeah, okay Yeah, I think that you just have to tell I mean so you do have that groundwork with her and I would just say mom or anything, have you had a serious talk with your mom about things going on in your life? Yeah. Okay. I think that you just have to tell, I mean, so you do have that groundwork with her. And I would just say, Mom, you know, I love your generosity. I love that you've opened up the home to me when I've needed to live here.

And I just want you to know that I am having sex right now. And do you want to say masturbation to your mom? Or do you just want to ask her for privacy? Like, I don't know how much do you need to tell her that you're masturbating having sex? Or do you just want to ask her for privacy? Like I don't know how much do you need to tell her that you're masturbating having sex? Or do you just want more privacy and boundaries in that way? Cause like I know that I'm in your home mom. Cause like I feel like when I would go back home

for periods of time, my mom would be like, it's my house and so love love, you're in my house, you know? But I think there's nothing wrong with saying like, I'm here, I'm an adult, like I'm not still like 14 year old girl and I, you know, I look, you've been a great mom. All this stuff I'd like to name my privacy, and so if you really need to talk to me,

let me know, but when my door is shut, please respect that. Yeah, yeah, I think she would receive that well. It's like, and she knows that she knows that I'm having sex, and she knows that I'm masturbating. She's cool with that, like in theory, but it's the actual practice of respecting those lines, and like not giving me her opinion on the dates that I go on.

Like a couple weeks ago, I stayed over a guy's house on the second date. I fled that his house. And I felt fine about it. It was a decision I was comfortable with. My mom was like, oh, well, that's kind of fast. You know, like she wants to do. Right. And you don't even want to hear that feedback from her.

So I think, okay, so then this is good. I think you just say, when the door is closed, because she's probably not opening the door to think like you're masturbating. She's probably like, oh, you know, is good. I think you just say when the door's closed, because she's probably not opening the door to think like you're masturbating. She's probably like, oh, you know, I'm shy. Here's your mail, whatever. You got a package, you know, you're like, I've got my rabbit in my vagina, like leave the room,

you know, my rabbit, so I get it. I think you just have to say to her, like, listen, I know I'm living at home, I appreciate you opening a home again, but, you know, I am an adult. I just want you to know I'm making good choices. I feel good about the people I'm dating and what I'm doing. And so I'll let you know if there's something to talk about.

But when you make comments like that, it makes me feel judged. And I just want you to know mom that you raised me well. I feel really good about the choice that makes sexually using protection, whatever you want to say, and that you don't have to worry about me. And I'll let you know when I have more to discuss and to give you privacy. And you could even say like, just sometimes I'm in the, like sometimes I'm reading or I'm doing something. And just when you walk in, it kind of startles me. And I just, I think it's great that privacy and I won't walk in on you when you're doing stuff.

So just, I think it's important for us all to have our privacy and respect. I think you just got to lay it down. It is, yeah. And thank her. Yeah, that totally helps. Yeah, I was just, I was like, I'm living in her house. Like I don't know what my,

like what are you, like what's my right, like the, you know what I mean? Because I'm living there. Exactly. And you feel like, well, I gotta just much. I was like, I'm living in her house. Like, I don't know what my, right, like, what do you, like, what's my right, like, the, you know what I mean, because I'm living there. Exactly. And you feel like, well, I gotta just still be a little girl. And she's got to look at you differently and say, mom, you should feel really good

because you raised me really well. Like, I love you, mom. But I am 20 years old right now. And because of you and the advice you've given me, like, I'm making good choices. And I want you to know that I'm in a good place and just like, reassure. Be positive and just let her know

that it is her your her house. You appreciate what she's done for you just reassure her. Be positive and just let her know that it is or you're her house. You appreciate what she's done for you, you think her. And maybe there's other ways she wants you to contribute. I don't know if you're pulling your weight around there, if you're emptying the dishwasher and doing stuff like that, but I can just feel like, so if you're doing that and you're contributing,

she should have no problem with these boundaries. Awesome. Cool, thank you, Ellen. Thank you. Good luck with this, I'm glad you found a guy. Go enjoy your date. Thanks, cool, I will. Okay, bye, Sh. Thank you. Good luck with this. I'm glad you found a guy. Go enjoy your date. Thanks, cool, I will. Okay, bye, Yasha.

Thanks. Parents, I get it. Sometimes they don't look at you like as you've grown up. Yeah, and there's like, when you're in my house, you're going to be coming home with this time. And I get it. Like when you're an adult, you get very set in your ways. So if you're a kid and you leave home and you come back,

the parents are like, what are you doing? But I think also we have to remember that. Like, like I used to say she was nervous talking or I think the more you learn to like speak your truth and be honest with your parents and your friends and your peers, it gets easier. This whole communication thing that I always say, we are not born with the skills to communicate about sex,

we're really not born with the skills to communicate about a lot of things. And it's really hard for us to confront people because whether it's our parents or anyone because we think we're gonna be rejected, they're not gonna like us, we all have this fear of not being loved and everything kind of goes back to that. But once you start practicing these things, little conversations with your parents or as things come up, it's going to get easier. So I

could say it all gets easier and it gets better. These are great skills. I love that she's 20 and she's starting to do it now because some people never do it. Okay, our next call is Walter. He's 27 from Louisiana and he's looking for a little advice to help him overcome his nervousness when talking to girls. Hey Walter, you're on a boat? Yes, I am. Do you like live on a boat? I live while I work with you.

Okay, got it. That's awesome. I don't think I've ever gotten a call from a boat. So what's going on, Walter? Talk to me. What's going on with the women? Well, I don't know. a couple of those who are going on Walter talk to me what's going on with the women uh... well i don't know i don't know i'm always kind of a shy body

a lot of people don't believe you when i say to them slightly outgoing what comes to women i kind of freez up not sure how to talk to them or what to say i think i can speak to them asking for a phone number after that point, it's kind of stuff. So you get there, so you actually meet women. You meet women when you're out, right? And you talk to them and they give you their phone number.

Right. That's awesome. Okay, so that's beyond what a lot of people struggle with just talking to women. So you've got the number. They like you enough to give you their number. And so now you're like, what do I do next? Do I call them do I text them is that kind of where we're at pretty much? And you know and I'm kind of what if I do text them or whatever it's kind of

Kind of you try Okay, so give me an example. Okay, who's the last girl you met? What's a good story? Yeah tell me what like the latest? Yeah, what happened. I kind of get a number and kind of talk. I kind of set up a list, but in between, I think we're going to, you know, I think we're going to do it. It's kind of how you're going. Sometimes, you know, they might be as deal with everything.

Or when I get into the conversation, I'm not sure where to go with it. Okay, so is it a texting conversation? You're texting them or you're talking? Okay, so this, okay, so texting is an art, texting is like the new talking, because I could tell you to pick up the phone and caller and like, how does that make you feel? I don't know, I mean, I don't mind calling.

I just go people, people weird about calls. I know, they are. Well, do you think that you're better on the phone or you're better with texting? Cause I can get, cause texting matters do you think that you're better on the phone or you're better with texting because I can get because texting matters now like a fairly See, yeah, if it's not something I mentioned this it was a big This is a frame. It's like easy Right of course, but it's like I'm 27 but I enjoy a video games

I enjoy comics. I like these those times right so I know for a lot of people, especially in the region and the girls, they aren't really in today kind of stuff. They like the country, they like the south one, you know, he outbiting and hunting and all that stuff. Right. It's kind of what the popular thing is around. Right. Okay.

So here's the thing. It's really just about being having an interesting conversation. So this is like an art. Like, is it like, whether you text or whether you call. So you said that you said a follow-up text, like, hey, how you doing? It was nice to meet you, right? And she's like, great, nice to meet you too. You're like, how is your day?

Like, I just fell asleep, like just telling you that. So you really have to know, and believe me, I do this happens to me. I'll get these texts all the time. We all do that. We do. I've done it. But what I realize is that you really have to, if you're interested in them, the faster that you move and you're like, it was so nice talking to you. You put a little more text right there's nothing wrong with the asking how your day everyone. Don't I'm kidding. You can

ask someone how their day is. But if you're just going back and forth like, hey nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too. How's your day? She's like, whatever. I just met you to part like, you both know your interests. I would say like great meeting you last night. I'd love to get a drink What are you doing Friday night and be direct make it clear that you want to see her again? Because you don't want to care how you don't really care how her day is I mean at that moment because you don't know how was yesterday you just met her So it's almost like escalating this and and that's why I think you could say I could give you a call we can discuss

So I think like the the random active active phone call out of nowhere might freak people out, but if you're like, hey, so nice meeting you, I'd love to get together. What's a good time to call so we can make a plan? That's so much more aggressive in a good way and confident and assertive. Not aggressive. That's assertive and confident. And you're showing her that I found you interesting and I want to take this to the next step. Does that help? Where you were getting stuck? Yeah, actually it does. Good.

I didn't even, I just felt so sorry but I didn't even think about it. It's like over thought. No, wait, because you don't know. And the girl, here's a thing, women, we're getting a lot of tax. Especially with online dating, I've been doing this like bumble thing and Tinder. It's like, I get all these messages and they all look nice but they're all like, hi, hi, how's your day? And I'm not saying this is bumble thing and Tinder. It's like I get all these messages And like they all look nice, but they're like hi, hi, hi How's your day? And I'm not saying this is the only criterion I use but if it's back and forth and been like I don't have time for this. I don't even know you let's just go like there's a more all busy

We all have stuff going on So I think the guys were like let's talk let's see if we like each other like let's get on the phone Let's meet up and move it along better since she won't remember you are for a week. It's like how was your day? Wow, it's like, how was your day? Well, how's your Tuesday? Happy Wednesday. DJIF, you're like, clearly, who are you? So I just think that you got to just do it. Yeah.

OK, well, that's literally sounds like, you know, I try to be, I try to work in, I try not to overly aggressive. Right. You got to be told off to go aggressive, I guess. I don't know. Interesting. Yeah, I mean, I do. I don't know. Interesting. Yeah. I mean, I do.

I don't know. You've been told you're aggressive in person or with texting. Yeah. Well, this was in high school. OK. So we hold on to stuff. Right. You don't sound aggressive to me at all.

So I bet you this is what happens to us. This is what I'm trying to undo all this stuff that we've learned, because we don't even realize it. So in high school, one time, you're at a party drunk, and you were probably hitting on a girl. And someone said you were aggressive. And now school one time you're at a party drunk and you're probably hitting on a girl and someone said you were aggressive and now it's like you're 27 years old and you're not that same Walter and you're still thinking I got to be chill talking to these chicks and that's not working anymore. So I think you can be assertive and confident and you can project that with

your voice and with your texts and let her know your mean business and you want to see her. Okay. All right. You got this Walter. Okay. All right. Let me know how goes. Thanks for calling. Bye. I can feel that boat. I kind of wanted to be on a boat. Could you hear that water? It was kind of like relaxing and then distracting at the same time. Yeah. You guys, I think this texting thing is a huge, I want to say it's like a new skill we have to all learn. It's kind of like an art and I've been lazy too. In fact, it wasn't until time talking to friends. She's like, let me look at your phone and what you sent to sky. Sometimes I'm busy. I'm like, hey, and I'm not doing it either. But it just take a moment,

and if you are only communicating through text, it doesn't have to be paragraphs. In fact, I tell you not to do that. I would tell you like fewer words, the better, but make them count. Be specific. If you want to date someone, like, let them know you want to make a plan because everyone's texting everybody now. And you want to stand out. And it's not want to make a plan because everyone's texting everybody now And you want to stand out and it's not with like a funny joke or a dick pic, okay? No dick pics, but it's just like being interesting being interested and make it a move making a plan No one wants like a texting relationship. It's really boring. Okay, our next calls Danielle She's 22 from Atlanta and she's wondering how to bring the passion back to her relationship

when she's too stressed for sex. Hi Danielle. Hey, how's it going? Good. Thanks for calling in. So you're stressed. You're stressed. I'm stressed.

We're also goddamn stressed today. Do you know like they're saying we're more stressed than ever in the world, in America for sure. That's okay. I get it. What's going on with you, particularly? What's your particular form of stress? I mean, I'm in school right now, so school's definitely like in my head,

and we'll be trying to have sex, and I'm like, oh my gosh, I have questions I have to do, I have reading, and it's like hard to get out of my head. Oh, I totally get that. It's hard to like stay in the moment, it's hard to stay wet, it's just, I totally get everything you're saying here. So what have you tried? Nothing.

You just have it. So we're starting with blank slate here. Like your mind is still going to like, I didn't pick up my dry cleaning and I got to answer these papers. And right kind of, although this, this has been my spring break. This last couple of days. And we went away for the weekend. And that was so much better to like get out of the house,

no homework. That was really good. Right. I always also started talking about maybe doing swinging. Oh, no. That's not, I don't think. Okay. So how long have you guys been together?

Almost six years. Okay. Oh, and you're 22. Mm-hmm. And you'd be, you've been together six years. We were like 17. Okay. All right. There's a lot going on here So okay, first of all let's okay, so to me your 22 years old you've been together six years

He's the first person you've been with no, okay, that's fine too. I mean, I'm just wondering but but for six years You've only been with each other you think it's pretty much okay So the last thing you want to do when you want to bring passion back into the relationship is start swinging and having sex with other people because that never works. That's like people have babies to save their relationship. Then you got like a baby forever. That doesn't work. The swinging doesn't work either because then there's going to be all this jealousy and you're with somebody else

and you're probably going to end up liking someone else and you're like, you're going to get out of your head because it's new and exciting. And you're in a relationship right now that you know know you know how the sex goes and you're comfortable with him and so sex gets a little more challenging. I only recommend couples should start to swing or open up their relationship when they're on really solid ground and they're like god we're having amazing sex and we're super connected and so now maybe that'd be cool to swing and we could talk about our boundaries and if you could do it together and it becomes like

a way to expand their connection to enhance handset. But your relationship would fall apart. If you still want to be with him and you want to know about getting out of your head during sex, we can talk about that because this is such a common challenge for so many so many women. I say if you still love your boyfriend and you want to be with them, that it would be great for you to focus on because this is going to happen in every relationship and this happens to women all the time and Men but I think I think women more than men because for guys they get just turned on right away, right? Like you come on. We see you. He's like, yeah, so hot. Let's have sex But for us if our brain isn't on board with sex like we just we're not wet

We're not turned on. We're not thinking about it. We're all really stressed out and so yeah, which if you do is it's a practice Right, so like the reason why when you were on vacation it felt so good thinking about it, we're all really stressed out. And so, what you have to do is it's a practice, right? So, like the reason why when you were on vacation it felt so good, it's because you removed all those distractions, right? You weren't in your bedroom, having sex in the same place, and you weren't looking at your stack of bills

in the corner, and so it's kind of like you're having to create that same environment when you guys are like home together. So, how do you like that? Yeah, you know, and so think about what that was and how you felt. It almost like channeling those feelings that you were having when you guys were just together and you were connected.

So that's one thing. It's like, you know, you know, you can do it because you just had a great time together and you had great sex. Your mindset is like a huge part of your sexual pleasure and your orgasm. And if you're in your mind thinking it's not going to happen or I don't want sex, you know, that will keep you from having your orgasm. So also I'd say you have to get rid of the tension like when you're outside the bedroom,

like do you meditate or do you exercise, do you do anything like that? Yeah, I've been, I run a lot, that's definitely my stress reliever. Okay. I've tried meditating, but I can't get myself to sit still. I know, meditating.

I know, I know, it's a practice, it's a process. But your brain is the largest sex organ, right? And your brain has got to be unborn fit. So if you start thinking about things that like turn you on, do it also do masturbate. You're probably not going to find that. Yeah, but I happen. I honestly, I've never been able to like get to orgasm when I masturbate myself. Really? Never. And only with your partner. Mm-hmm.

Having... It's like I get horny and I do it for a little bit and then I give bored my stuff. Really? So this might be good for you too because if we talk about like, okay, no, that's common too, right? You're distracted as well. You're like, I might as well just go have sex. But masturbation is so important for women even when you're in a relationship because you'll

start to feel more connected to your body and so much of it's like, it sounds like you're just disconnected. And a lot of this has to do with masturbation without the goal of orgasm. And same with the sex with your boyfriend, like without the goal of anything, just being present in the moment. So if you start to masturbate on your own and you start to think about like a fantasy is a big part, so think about last weekend and how hot it was. Like whatever it is that gets you turned on, so you think a go to fantasy, yeah, like

a go to fantasy. And then you start thinking about that and touching yourself and like using toys or whatever works, you'll start to get into the mood for sex war because the more that you have orgasms and you start to achieve that intimacy with yourself, the more you're gonna want to have sex and you're gonna masturbate. It's like a loop, right?

But right now, I just feel like you're cut, you're shut down and are you cut off between your body and your mind. Because also when you're having sex with your partner, I would say that you have to, and this goes for masturbation as well as breathing. A lot of us like, we just shut off our because also when you're having a sector through partner, I would say that you have to, and this goes for masturbation as well, is like breathing. A lot of us, like, we just shut off our breath completely

when we're having sex. And so if you find that your mind is wandering when you're having sex, go back to your breath. Yeah. Go back to like breathing down, like literally like, when you, because that's all you have to focus on. And if you're like, oh, and you might,

this could take you like 15 times during one session. I've been working on your podcast before saying like breathing into your pelvis. Yes, breathe into your pelvic floor. I was gonna tell you that next is that like, and that's something you could also practice during masturbation and helps women have orgasms because you just sound like you're disconnected.

And once you start literally breathing into your pelvic floor, you're waking up your entire pelvic region, you're connecting to it. You're feeling like I always talk about doing your caggle exercises. And that's because you're breathing into that area, you're waking it up, you're connecting to it, you're feeling like I always talk about doing your keglet exercises and that's because you're breathing into that area, you're waking it up, you're connecting to it and then another trick while you're breathing during sex is also to start to just like tensing and relaxing your keglet muscles, like just start flexing them, like breathing and like tensing and relaxing, tensing and relaxing and that will actually

start to think you're pumping blood into that region as well and that will start to turn you on. So that combination of like, literally doing your kegels while you're having sex, while you're trying to get turned on and breathing, will really help you stay focused. And it's not gonna happen right away because you've been distracted for a while,

so just be kind to yourself. And when you notice your mind wandering, you bring it back to the breath, you bring it back to what your sensations and what you're feeling in the moment. I think if you start with those exercises on your own, and with your partner, you'll actually start to feel less stress in your life.

And you might find yourself like craving masturbation and craving even meditation, because you're like, oh, I actually felt more relaxed. Because we're all really stressed out and it's not gonna go away. Yeah. How does that sound? You can do it.

Okay, cool. That definitely sounds doable. Good, we've got a plan here. Great day now. Good, well good luck. You got this. Well, we all got this plan here. Great Danielle. Good. Well, good luck. You got this. Well, we all got this. We just got to all breathe more and slow down.

I'm trying to do it too. I'm doing my kegels right now. Okay. Well, thank you so much for all your help. You're welcome. Bye, Danielle. Thanks. Bye.

That is a good call, you guys. How stressed out is everybody? Everyone's running around. I'm stressed. I'm stressed. I get it, you guys, but we have to do something about it. And you are in control of your stress because it's not going away. I'm telling you, you're going to continue to be stressed.

It's like we get addicted to the stress and we get addicted to the adrenaline. And the only thing we control, like we are in control of that. Because if you think about the things that you're mostly stressed about, first of all, they never happen. Okay, let's be honest, they never happen. And there's always something else around the corner. Like the second you get unstressed about this, you're gonna stress about something else. So, the sooner you learn to manage your stress, through breathing, meditation, walking,

and realizing that you're actually in control of it, it will just set you free, people, I promise. The truth and the breath will set you free. Those were some great calls. That's all we got time for today. Thank you, everyone, for listening to Sex with Emily. I love hearing from you. Thank you for calling into the show.

If you want to send me a question, you can just go to sextheemily.com and click on the Ask Emily tab and fill out the form and hit submit. That's it. I love hearing from you. Please also follow me on social media because I love that too. I love answering your live reading your snaps. I snap you back. Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook. It's all at Sex with Emily. So thanks everyone for listening, was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithamely.com.