Sex With Emily - Let's Get it On (Period)

Episode Date: April 21, 2018

On today’s show, things are getting touchy feely in more ways than one. Emily tells a story that shows how sexy – and sometimes mind blowing – directly expressing your needs to your partner can be, ways to stimulate all parts of the clitoris for truly orgasmic outcomes, and getting back to HPV basics – after all it is STD awareness month. Plus, why you should focus less on your sexual experience and more on your sexual exploration. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Promescent, Womanizer, Fleshlight, UVee, Magic Wand Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, things are getting touchy-fuelly in more ways than one. Topics include the sexy and sometimes mind-blowing results of directly expressing your needs to your partner. Ways to stimulate all parts of the clitoris for truly orgasmic outcomes. How to make your partner more comfortable with having sex during your period? Getting back to HPV basics. After all, it is STD Awareness Month,

and why you should focus less on your sexual experience and more on your sexual exploration. All this and more, thanks for listening. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrumaise they call them in a fight on day. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my!

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, not only? What do you mean, like laundry? It's drinks? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm feeling so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between for more information. Check out sexwithemily.com and subscribe and comment and iTunes. We love that and it's section Emily across the board Instagram Facebook snapchat Twitter all those fun places. I'm sitting here with Jamie because we got some cool stuff to talk to you about like our epic O's as of March contest. Yes, those aha moments so well, but aha moments and of March contest. Yes, those aha moments. They did so well, but aha moments. And we got a lot of amazing submissions, guys. I will say, wow, they were fun to read. Some of them were little on the long side, which are great, but just letting you know we got a lot. So it's kind of hard to get through all of them. Although I do like the backstory when we have the time. Yeah, we do. And now we have the winners.

We posted a blog and we're going to read some excerpts. Yes, we are. Because they're awesome. And inspiring. Okay. All right. Let's just read. The reason why I love these submissions is because we did get a lot of them, which is

so great because I feel like you guys could really learn from these two. Like I always get inspired by reading how other people change up their sex life. So, James, you could read one of the winners. Yes. So, we did put some of these up on a blog. And to be anonymous, we changed all the names. So, this came from quote unquote, Garrett. And so, he and his wife discovered mutual masturbation and how much they loved it. But there, a hub moment with that is that they actually couldn't really decide on a time

to do it again. They're always like, oh, we were just like, you know, most of the time we're like, oh, we'll have sex. But they knew they wanted to do it again. So they started scheduling mutual masturbation dates. And I was like, that is amazing because we always talk about scheduling sex, but scheduling mutual masturbation dates. And I was like, that is amazing, because we always talk about scheduling sex, but scheduling mutual masturbation is so great. So they call it masturbation Mondays.

I don't know why we didn't think about that. Right? Right. Because, yeah, that's brilliant. So, I'll read the other one. Yeah, okay. This is probably the biggest o moment for me, and it's something entangible, but so important. I've stopped performing sexual enjoyment and started focusing on actually feeling it.

The change is insane. I've always been super sexually open and wild according to most partners, but it turns out a lot of it was a highly conditioned learned act from porn mostly and from the image in my head of what they wanted. I am more wild than with my partners simply by being vulnerable and by being vocal about my actual desires and needs and it seriously made all the difference. And this is from Karen H32 and the PS, PS, the womanizer, holy shit. Praise the sex toy goddess, A.K. Emily, turns out I'm a squirter. People love that womanizer.

And what, yeah, I love that she, I'm realize that she just wasn't in her body. And she was like performing and not feeling. Yeah, I think that's great. And it's like such a small change, but it made the world a difference. And so that's why I'm saying these moments are like, oh, oh my God, I get it now. So check out this blog, what your aah, sex moments, and I'm gonna say here, we should probably, we got a lot of them, we could do other blogs,

post them so we can check out what people wrote. We have a new contest too. That is... Kegels of Steel, there's a blog about it on the site, just search that and it has all the deets. I love it, okay. So let's get into the show. I've been dating someone. I have a boyfriend. I don't think I've even mentioned this to you guys. So I want to tell you that I have a boyfriend and I want to share with you something that's kind of

funny. He's a comedian and I'm a sex expert. So we have a lot of fun together. So it feels like we have our own romcom going on. So here's what happened, and I wanted to share this through because I think you guys might get something out of the story. It all comes down to communication, my favorite thing. So I have, you know, I work a lot. I'm working, and my business has always come first. And I've had boyfriends and relationships in the past, but you know, my work is important to me.

So, we were hanging out recently, and I've been traveling a lot. We were at my house and I was working on something to late. I think I had a press request to and I was writing and I was working and it was a busy time and I was done around midnight and he looks at me. I was like, okay, I'm done and he's like, do you even have time for a boyfriend?

You really don't. Like, don't you write about this stuff? Like, don't you teach people how to like prioritize relationships so we got mad at me because clearly I was not making time for it? really don't, like don't you write about this stuff? Like don't you teach people how to like prioritize relationships? So we got mad at me because clearly I was not making time for it. And at first I was like, yes, I do.

I get that you feel this way. And then I started to laugh because the reason why I was not paying attention to him for the last hour is because I was literally writing an article for Ask Men about prioritizing sex and your relationship and making your partner feel they're important. And so there I was. And he's like, okay, so you help me you were ignoring me and helping millions of people writing this article for your website and for pressing it not for me. So I was like, oh God, classic. I'm so

sorry. Okay, so tell me what's going on. So we started talking. He's like, I just feel like we never get to see each other. We don't spend enough time together. I want to feel like I'm a priority in your life and that I don't feel like you really have enough time for a boyfriend. And I got to be honest with you guys. I've heard this from many boyfriends in the past. In fact, this was a pattern of mine, especially when I was building sex with family. It's been 13 years, but it was like I sold everything I owned. I was living with a friend that I went through all of that, trying to make this, and boy friends really couldn't come first,

but I'm not in that place anymore. So I really listened to what he was saying, and I was like, okay, so I know, he said, well, how could you not realize, Emily, that this is important every time we talk, like I make it clear, I don't you feel like we're not spending time together, I said, I gotta be honest with you. We are spending time together. I see you more than be honest with you. We are spending time together.

I see you more than anybody. And every time we talk on the phone, you say to me, oh, we're gonna see each other Wednesday, Thursday. And I'm like, yeah, how about Thursday? I said, so I'm not really sure what you're saying because we are seeing each other. He said, well, it would be so nice. If you could just call me up and say Friday night, we're going to a movie and we're going to this party and this is what you're doing.

And I said, oh, wait, let's back up. This is a communication thing. You're telling me that you want to spend more time together every time we talk. Because literally every time we talk, he's like, when are we seeing each other next? But what he was really saying is, it made him feel, it would make him feel so much better

if I actually initiated the plan. And I made it, and I made it feel like I had actually considered us doing something together ahead of time and made it special. His love language is quality time. You guys, you know, we've talked about the love language. So it wasn't even just about the quantity of time. It was about me initiating it.

So I really had to listen to this. So I could have taken it out of phase value and I could have said, okay, you know, but what I did was I repeated back to him and I said, so what you're saying is, you really need me to, because I think this light bulb went off, because I was kind of confused at first.

I was like, I see you all the time. When I really drilled it down and I repeated back to him, so what you're saying is you wanna spend more time together. That's when he said to me, well, it would be nice if you just called up and initiated. See what I'm saying? So when you repeat back what you're hearing, it's kind of like that amago theory

that we've talked about where you listen to your partner and you talk and then you repeat it back. So you make sure that you're clear. This is where a lot of conversations and a lot of communication, I think, in relationships fail is because we say, well, I had the conversation. I told them I needed more for a play.

I told them it was important for him to meet my friends. I told her that she needed to, you know, make dinner for me or needed to, I don't know what, whatever it is, we think that we've said it and it's done. But not only do we need to hear things a few times, we need to go a little bit deeper, ask a few more questions and be really good listeners and ask good questions. Because if you can't communicate about simple things like planning time and making time for each other, you do realize that this is all the stuff that trickles down into your relationship and eventually makes sex

and communication that much harder. Even I, I am not perfect, you guys. I talk about relationships all the time, and I was writing a relationship article instead of being with my boyfriend who was sitting there waiting to talk to me. But the point here is that the more you can have these conversations, and again, they don't have, writing a relationship article instead of being with my boyfriend who was sitting there waiting to talk to me. Okay? But the point here is that the more you can have these conversations, and again, they don't happen.

We sat in the couch, we looked at each other, I really tried to listen, I wasn't angry, but these are the kind of things that go unresolved that oftentimes these little things, they will build up over time, and then this is why you stop having sex in relationships. It's not even about the sex anymore. It's because six months ago, you forgot to get the car washed by your partner, a gift, do something. You guys got it, these resentments, resentments build up over time.

So I just love that we were able to talk about it. So I think getting into the distinction with him and really being able to talk about it helped us. So I hope you guys continue to ask questions, be good listeners to your partner, and have amazing sex. Okay, we're gonna take a quick break, and when we get back, I'm gonna get right into your emails.

[♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Now we're onto your emails. If you have a question you want me answer on the show, it's so easy, Just text Ask Emily 1 Word to 7979-7979. That's Ask Emily 1 Word to 7979-7979. You receive a short form and you can fill out all the details and also indicate if you want to be called on a future color show. Just say yes. You can also submit a question from the sectwithmla.com site via the Ask Emily tab. And as always, include your gender, your age, where you listen and how you listen to the show.

I can't wait to hear from you. All right, our first email is from Jonathan, 20 from Illinois. Hi, Emily. I've been listening to your podcast for quite some time. It's honestly the best one by far. I've learned so much from hearing you talk on your show. You often talk about the glitteral legs and how they're mostly shaped like a wishbone. What's the best way to stimulate the glitteral legs or is this too specific of a question?

Should I just stimulate the actual clitoris and can you recommend some techniques? Thank you, Jonathan. Thanks, Jonathan. I love a man who has a deep fascination with the clitoris, and I love the dress. This question, I think a lot of you are probably like, what legs? I'm just glad that I know about the clitoris, that delightful pea-sized nerve of pleasure right underneath the clitorial head. We all know about the pea-sized clitoris, but the thing is that beyond the clitoris, there's a three to five inch long structure that stems along the vaginal canal inward. So it's shaped like a wishbone

and it gets more swollen when you're turned on, so easier to stimulate. But it goes along the vaginal walls and you can find them. It's sort of like the inner labia. It's right behind there. So here's some ways to stimulate them. You can use your fingers and just gently apply pressure up and down the Labia or you can place your hand so if you're facing her like this she's laying down and you have your palm open facing her You can place your hand over her vulva put some lube on your hand because that always feels good and just apply pressure So your fingers are landing right on top of our clitoris or on our pubic mound. And then you'll realize that that can just feel so good,

the warmth of your hand with the pressure and with the lube is gonna feel amazing. You can also just make your fingers in a V shape, so they're tracing along the labia, the inner labia, so that's where the legs are. The clitoris, the 8,000 nerve-writing spread out all over the vulva. So great question.

And Jonathan, I'm actually going to create a special video here for all of you so I can show you with my vulva puppet exactly how to stimulate the clitoris in full. So we all are satisfied and happy. This is from Zoe 21 in California. She wants to know, hey Emily, I have a question about period sex. I personally love masturbating or having intercourse while menstruating. It feels extra sensitive. And just overall so much more pleasurable, although it can get a little messy.

My previous partner had no problem with it. However, my current boyfriend can't seem to wrap his head around it. I've approached a situation a few times explaining how awesome it feels, but he's still as reservations. Do you have any advice on how to approach the situation so you might want to try it or should I disrespect his wishes and drop it? Thanks so much, Zoe. Okay, Zoe, this is a great question because I think we don't know what to do.

Like, a lot of us do get a lot more turned on when we have our period and we want to have sex. And I've found over the years, it varies from partner to partner. If there's anything I've learned from relationships over the years, there's the boyfriends who are like, I don't care that you're menstruating

and he's like, I'm gonna take out your tampon with my teeth, you know, those guys. And then there's the guys who are like, oh my God, gross, let's take a shower, let's just have sex in the shower, maybe they don't say gross, but they're thinking it because they're just not used to the blood and I have to tell you, I'm more aligned with the guy who's like somewhere in the middle there, you don't need to remove my tampon with your teeth, although points for enthusiasm, I'm all down with like, let's throw down a towel on the bed or let's take a shower

and still have sex anyway. It's hard for me and it has been over the years if there's a guy's like gross you know because hey we're women We're bleed. It's beautiful sex is messy sex is not this clean and neat and tidy thing. It's just not so really I understand that um that you want to respect your boyfriend Because what I found is there's when the guys who were like, no, no, no, we can never do it. But when I, because maybe they had a bad experience in the past, for example, a woman said she wasn't on the period and then she was and then like, he ruined his mom's sheets

because they were having sex in her bed and it was a bloody mess. You have to remember that a lot of people's reactions to things during sex, whether it's period or anal sex or just going down in someone, a lot of it has to do with past experiences or past information. You said you've explained to him how awesome it feels, but he has reservations. Maybe you can

either ask him what the reservations are if something's happened to him before or you're just like take a shower together and have sex in the shower and see how that goes or put down some towels. I really think that maybe you could just kind of say we'll ask them the why too. You could say, well, why don't you want to? He might tell you like, I don't like seeing the sight of blood, or I had a bad experience once.

So I think relationships are all about compromise. I totally understand that, but I think it can't hurt to kind of drill down on this and kind of find out more what it's about, because I get it. Period sex can feel amazing. And when you want to have it, you want to have it. This is from Robin 34 from Kentucky. Dear Emily, over the past few years, my pap has been abnormal.

Since it's been abnormal three years in a row, my OBGYN went a step further into the colonoscopy which showed mild dysplasia. She told me I had a low risk strain of HPV, not the one that causes cervical cancer. The only problem is my husband and I have only at sex or any other type of sexual contact with each other. Are there other ways to get low risk strains of HPV other than sexual contact? I don't understand how it's possible that I have this. Thank you, Robin. Okay, Robin, thank you for your question.

I understand your concern here. And since April is STI, where in this month, we can start with the HPV basics. So here's a deal with HPV. Most people don't even know they have it. There might be no physical symptoms, like a general award. And most of the population who are sexually active

do have HPV and they don't even know it. So there's that. So how do you get it? Well, you know you get it through sex, but it's all different kinds of sex, sex, oral, anal sex, kissing, saliva. I don't know your husband, but I can only believe that he's been very honest with you. But perhaps he was a carrier and didn't even know it. I mean, a lot of people have HPV and they don't know it.

It doesn't show up on tests or they've never been tested. Maybe he was passed on from birth, you know, from his mother, his father. He could have made out and kissed, we could have made out with someone or kissed someone before he knew you since you guys have only been with each other. But bottom line is I don't think there's any cause for alarm. I love that your doctor is aware of your results and it sounds like your doctor is charting the best course for you.

So I just don't want you to go down this negative rabbit hole with your husband, accuse him of anything because this does happen. It does happen that it shows up with couples where someone has never been tested or their test came in negative. Their partner's test came in negative. There's came in positive.

So I think it's a great idea for your husband to get tested. But please just keep everything perspective and work with your doctor and your husband to make sure you're all on the right track. It sounds like you're doing the right things. Thanks for your email, Robin. This is from Emily 22 in California. Hi, Emily. Here's another Emily here with a problem that I feel is ruining my life. My partner I've been together for about a year and things were going very well.

We were on the same page, committed to each other, had a fabulous sex life. Last week things took a turn when he told me that he still attracted to me and loves me, but for the first time in his life he's having feelings for another man. Being the open and free loving bisexual woman I am, I was completely accepting and open to his feelings. We decided to separate but stay in each other's lives, as he sorts through his feelings and I felt okay about the situation. I'm having trouble understanding my place in all this and why I'm feeling this deep hurt

while trying to respect and empathize with his new feelings. Do I walk away and try to forget this relationship ever happened? Or do I stay committed to help him sort through things? Thanks, Emily, 22. Okay, Emily, I think it totally makes sense that you'd be having these feelings and you'd be having this strong reaction to, you know, hearing that your partner has feelings for a man. So it's just like anyone else when their partner tells them that they want to

leave or things have changed or they've met someone else, whether it's a man or a woman. I think that the challenge here is that you found out it was so sudden and that going through a breakup is never easy, that you didn't see it coming, that you're still in love with him. I don't think it's about the fact that, oh, well, he has feelings for men. So I should just walk away. And it sounds like he's sort of questioning his feelings for men or he's just starting along that path.

I can't tell you if you should stay or you should go. But if you guys have a really close relationship, slash friendship, he might really need you right now. And you might really, it might serve both of you to kind of work through this together to be supportive while stills maybe seeing other people. You know, relationships, I think that we often think of the terms of it being so black and white, right? Like you're committed, now you're not.

He's going to go seek out men and you're bisexual and you're going to be with women and men. But maybe you don't need to know the answer yet, but you can continue to talk to him and ask how he would need you in his life. I mean, so I think this could be a great time for you guys to really actually enhance your intimacy that could actually turn into amazing friends or you could still say lovers. So I think that's why it's so hard because sometimes we forget that when we go through a breakup, it's not just your lover, but it's your best friend, it's a person who becomes your family. So I think you just have to

have more, you know, talk to them more and I wouldn't run away and try to figure out what the next steps are together. I've often said this, and I think men use a tease me that I am truly friends with a lot of my axes. Of course, there's like the douchebag ones or the people who really were bad to you. I'm not saying that everybody needs to stay in your life. But when a romantic relationship ends,

a lot of times there's still a lot of really good feelings there and a friendship that can really bloom over the years if you stay connected. And oftentimes it doesn't happen the day you break up. We need space, but there's a reason why we love someone. Why we want to spend so much time with them. So sometimes the romantic feelings aren't there, but the friendships are.

So I think that before you just throw someone away and decide that you can never be with them, I think that a lot of beautiful friendships are born from ex lovers. So I just want to throw that out there. This is from Chelsea 24 in Virginia. Hi Emily, I'm a new listener and I'm so glad I found your podcast. When I was growing up, sex was indirectly demonized in my house as something people shouldn't do outside of marriage. I came to fear sex and feel guilty for even thinking about it. When I went to college, I was ready to experiment and start dating. When I found out my parents were getting divorced, I shut myself off the dating because it was just a chore. With how stressful my life was at the time.

I'm just now ready to be worse actually open and date more, but I feel like I'm so late to the game. I did an awful interL. Intercourse until over a year ago and I can't get past the fact that I'm behind and some of them might not like my lack of experience. What's the best way to increase my confidence, get out there more and really find my sexuality in my mid-20s? I got this, Chelsea 24.

Chelsea, thanks for your email because I think that it's common that people think there's a certain age that you should lose your virginity and that you should have all this experience. But the thing about sex is you should never feel bad that you're more or less experienced than anyone else. And if you're with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable for that, that's not your person. 24 is a perfect age for you to start getting into your sexuality. My first recommendation would be to really start to explore your body, masturbate, figure out

what makes you feel good. So when you are in a relationship, you're just going to be in that sexual place and really not with the goal of orgasm, just with the goal of being touched and being aroused and like figuring out and turn yourself on by you know thinking sexy thoughts or watching porn or reading a radical writing your own erotic you know fantasizing about someone that you find cute and wherever that you just met. So I don't think that you have to go right to sex right to having sex with someone. I think that the people like oh I just want to get it over with it sleep with someone. I think that you are in a prime spot right now.

I love that you haven't jumped into sex and that you realize that a lot of it does go back to childhood. And I hope that you've done some work around this because there's a lot of people that were raised in a household where sex was just demonized and not seen as something that has actually really do with your pleasure. So I hope through getting comfort with your body and masturbating and figuring out you're going to realize, wow, there is so much pleasure there. And also just be careful about who you pick with partners.

It's okay to date casually and it's okay to just make out with people for a play, but you don't have to rush into everything and not everyone needs to know about your sexual past. You can also continue listening to the podcast, you can take classes, you know, just go out and meet people that you wouldn't normally meet. And just start dating and experimenting things. And I think you're going to realize your confidence will come back by being confidently yourself, by working on yourself, by developing strong relationships, strong community, working on your body so you feel healthy. That's how you really get into feeling confident around sex. It's not by having a ton of sex because I can tell you

there's a lot of people who have had hundreds of partners who I would not say are amazing lovers or great vet. So it's really not about quantity. It's not about time. It's about going at your own pace, understanding your body and being able to communicate with a really good partner that you feel safe with and that you can trust. So you're not behind any schedule here, Chelsea, you're right on track. All right everyone, thanks for listening. That was a fun show. I love talking to you. Even though you're not here,

I feel like you are here. God of luck, so good. So thanks to all of you and thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Jamie, Jenny, are volunteer, Shannon, and Sarah, producer, Lark, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me.

Feedback at sexwithemily.com.