Sex With Emily - Let's Talk About Sex, Maybe?

Episode Date: March 21, 2017

It doesn’t matter how old you are or how long you’ve been with a partner — Talking about sex is hard. But hey, that’s why you’ve got Emily! In today’s show, she’s helping callers find the right words to say to communicate their way through sex and relationship troubles. What do you do if your boyfriend isn’t keen on cunnilingus? How do you get a partner to change their mindset when it comes to sex? What’s the best way to keep things hot in the bedroom when you’ve got kids living at home? Communication is a lubrication, and Emily provides advice to help you get the conversation started. Also revealed: the real reason why regular sex makes people so damn happy. If you want to have the best sex ever, this podcast will provide you with exactly what you need: the know-how to talk it out! Don’t miss it.. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep this podcast FREE: Womanizer, Sportsheets, Promescent and Vibratex. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and today's show I am taking your calls, which I love. Topics include how to turn your boyfriend on to oral sex. Understanding a partner's low libido, tips for keeping your married sex life hot, even though you have kids in the house, plus how to communicate your bedroom needs to a reluctant partner. All this and more, thanks for listening. You kinda cute. The world's got everything. Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common all the way? What do you mean like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me? Oh my god. I'm so, so, so. Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between for more information go to sexwithemily.com and subscribe to everything there.

It's so easy. Just click on the subscribe button. You get the podcast. You know, we do two shows a week. Follow us on all social media, which I love that too. Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat. It's all at sex with Emily and go shopping at our store. And God, you know, I'm available.

You 24-7 just giving you sex information and religious information all day long. So follow me, I love that. So thank you everyone for listening to the show. Happy spring, it is spring. It is, might still be snowing where some of you are, I know that happens, but it literally is spring. And with the spring, we have to do some spring cleaning

and we wanna help you tidy up your sex and dating life with a giveaway. Because it's important, you guys. And the spring cleaning is like a real thing, like getting rid of your clothes. And like, if I remember like, when I lived in Michigan, it's like you put your summer clothes down, and you're wearing clothes upstairs,

or whatever you do, or you, if it was spring, we'd move our winter clothes down stairs, and our summer clothes upstairs, and you change, and you get rid of stuff. And it's really refreshing, and it feels really good. Well, I want to know what bad, sex, dating, and relationship habits are you ready to throw out in 2017? What do you want to clean out of your life?

What is holding you back in the sex department in the related department? What habit are you dating the same kind of people and just getting you nowhere? Are you actually not dating at all and you're ready to like start dating? Are you in a relationship that's going nowhere? Have you been faking orgasms?

Have you been wanting something from your partner? And you haven't been able to ask, I want to hear from you email me feedback at sexwithelmy.com by March 27th and you can win Something exciting and new for your toy collection. You can win a magic one rechargeable So we'd love to hear from you feedback at sexwithelmy.com and send us your stories And I'm telling you there's power in the written word like just like writing writing that down and thinking like, what do I want to change this year? I bet you if you write that down a new email, it's going to change. It will happen. Please do that.

I'd love to hear from you. And while we're on the topic of spring cleaning and decluttering, it is a time for rebirth and renewal in every area of our life. And I've been thinking about this a lot lately because, you know, I just moved. And so I had to like get rid of everything. I wanted to get rid of everything I had to like touch everything that I own and decide do I want this mismatched pair of socks to come with me into my new home or don't I or do I want this broken Spatch a lot to come into my house or not and so there's this book came out a few years ago the Japanese Decluttering book what's name Bri Kondo the life changing magic of tidying up, okay?

I don't know if you this book has been like on the best sour list and I read it because I'm like I've got a lot of stuff and I'm going to get rid of it and truly it's so basic like it's the most hurt to hurt thing is like you need to hold everything you own like literally you can't just kind of look at it but touch everything and think does this bring me joy and you hold on to it's pretty joy and if it does then you keep it and if it doesn't you get rid of it and it's interesting you me joy. And if it does, then you keep it. And if it doesn't, you get rid of it. And it's interesting. You're like, how good this like T-shirt, you know, and then she gives you these things like, but doesn't give you joy.

Like, are you holding on to it because it's like sentimental? Are you holding on to it because, like, you know, your mom gave it to her? Your grandma who died gave it to you? Or are you your next boyfriend? Is it like, it was expensive. And one day you'll fix it. It's just really interesting to do this. So it got me thinking about like, we could do this with all areas of our life, like clean out the clutter so with your relationships as well. How are you holding your back or what are you holding on to

that's not allowing you to move forward with your sex and dating life and relationship? Do you keep stalking your ex on Instagram or Facebook? Those little things like in that time that you're doing that, you could be looking for somebody new. You could be, I don't know, learning Spanish. I obviously think that in all the time I wasted in life, I could like already speak Spanish right now.

I mean, what are the things, like, you know, are you keep like, there's a guy that makes you feel bad about yourself, but you keep having the booty call with him, or like, a friend with benefits situation that's going nowhere. Get rid of these things now. It just feels really good. So think about these habits and these roadblocks and think, is this really making me happy? Most of the stuff that most of the suffering that we do and the things that hold us back are actually like our own making. They're like our own constructs that we put these roadblocks we put in our way or these habits

that we have that are preventing us from living the life we want to live. So think about that. Think about these repeating patterns, the kind of people you're dating and see if you can let go. I haven't said that since a while, but I think it's a really good dating advice for my mom. And she says, the issues that you have in the third day you'll have forever. Maybe it's the sixth date. I mean, she said third date. But the truth is, people show you who they are pretty quickly. And we make excuses, or you don't want to believe it. But I think that when someone shows you who they are, you should be paying attention.

People don't really change unless they want to. So if you're in a relationship right now and you're like, this hasn't changed, I knew this. Maybe it's time to end it. So happy spring. People was that weird. Happy spring dumping. What, like it is the dumping season.

Everyone's laughing. I mean here because like they used to say they're spring is like the dumping season because like you should, they get out of unhealthy relationships. So happy spring dumping, happy spring cleaning. So here's another thing, sex in the news. People who have sex are happier thanks to the increase in affection.

I love this study because, courted your new study, published in the personality and social psychology bulletin, people actually feel happier, not because they have more sex, but because the increase in affection that sex provides. Which might seem kind of obvious to some people, but to me it's like, I don't think we talk enough about the importance of affection in a relationship and like affectionate touch. How the study goes on to explain it is a very

unsexy way to describe hugging, kissing, cuddling, and all those other things that we tend to do with our partners that are physical, but not like physical physical. You know, they're just like, it's not like the sex act, it's more like just touching. And it kind of, it does affect our overall states of well-being, so you found that all hugging, kissing was the actual bridge between sex and happiness, not just the groaning and the thrusting and the orgasms. Believe it or not, although orgasms are really friggin important, okay? So while gauging and sex people are not only like they're seeking an intimate connection, but they want that experience of cuddling and touching and all that stuff and it stays with them

like those feel good hormones for the next few hours. That's also why sex is important because we need that and I think in some couples, they think, well, if we start to touch, it means that we have to have sex. So if there's one of you in the relationship, it was like, I don't even want to start the hand holding because that means it's going to lead to sex. So if I kiss my partner, they're going to want sex

and I don't want to have sex yet. Or maybe you just feel like you're not really in affectionate touchy-feely person, but I'm telling you, I'd like to challenge you on that notion and think about maybe if there's some intimacy things or some issues that's holding you back from really like grasping your partner because I To grasping this notion and to having more affection in your life

And if you feel like your partner's advances just to kiss you makes you you don't want sex And that's why you push them away This is like a common dynamic here Then you should talk about that because I think a lot of us can benefit from just taking the sex off the table and just bringing back affection And if you feel like this is the case like it always always leads to sex, you could stay to your partner, like, we're not gonna have sex for, you know, let's not have sex for a month and let's just focus on each other's bodies again

and getting to explore each other and getting to, you're just cuddling again because that's where things started in the first place. So sometimes you need to go back to that. And the reason why I also love this story because it reminded me of a story that's a study that was done. I don't know if you guys have heard the story about these bunnies that were in the lab at a university and they were doing a study at heart disease and they had all these bunny rabbits in these cages and they realized

that like after two weeks a certain group of bunnies half the bunnies did not have this increase in heart disease and the other half did and they couldn't figure out what the difference was because they were all getting fed the same food and the same like things were happening to them but so then they re-did the study and they found out the same things happened that half the bunnies were having the bad side effects and half them were having good side effects. So what they found out which is fascinating is that the only reason why the study kept repeating themself, they found out that there was an assistant that would come in at night and she would change the bedding and she would feed the rabbits.

But the bunnies that were closest to her, she would cuddle the bunnies and she would hold the bunnies. But she was short. And the bunnies on the top shelf, she was unable to hold them and cuddle them. And so, so these bunnies never got picked up. They just, but they all had the food, the same food and the same bedding. I always think about this study because I'm like, we're all like little rabbits. Like we need to be cuddled.

And they realize the only variable that was different was express love through touching. And so I just wanna tell you all that touching is important and it's important in life and for your relationships and for these little bunnies. I'm so glad they figured it out. So, okay, so keep touching, keep kissing, keep cuddling. And now we're gonna give a shout out to our sponsors.

So thank you for supporting them. I'll be right back. Okay, now we're into your calls. If you have a question you want me to answer on the show, I love that. I love hearing from you. It's really easy. Just go to sexwithmle.com.

You click on the Ask Emily tab. You submit your question and now there's also an option to say that you want to be called, and then you can do that, and then we'll chat, and then we'll get to the bottom of all your questions, I love it. You can also just email me the questions as well, anyway, anyway you want to talk to me, I love it. Okay, we have Jessica, she's 27 from New York, and she's on a mission to experience the big O, but can't get her boyfriend to warm up to Conolingus.

Jessica, hi. Hey Emily. Hey Jessica, what's up? Yeah, that's basically it. Like my boyfriend won't go down on me and it's very frustrating. He just won't like, he never has, just says he doesn't like it. Like back up, what's the story? In the beginning, when we first started dating, he did a few times. never has just says he doesn't like it like back up what's a story.

In the beginning when we first started dating he did a few times and I think he did it to try to impress me. Once we got more serious, he just stopped doing it. How long have you guys been together? About 10 months. Okay, 10 months, it's still kind of new-ish. So you've been together 10 months and you. And you won't go down on you and you haven't, have you had an orgasm before in your life? Well, that was, that was part of my second question.

So I'm not really sure. Like I grew up very similar to you where like I didn't even know what masturbation was till like probably college. And then I was like, it was just very frowned upon and it's like touching myself growing up my family and my Religion so you know one side started getting more but I did move my Virginia at a pretty young age Okay, that's fun. So you've never had norgasm because you don't know that you have you probably haven't well I think I mean I'm I'm able to enjoy sex and like there comes a point where I

Reach a climax and it feels really good, but I don't know that it's gone and like I have masturbated and I've used toys So okay, so you have so it's more about bridging the gap so really so you have had orgasms But you don't okay, so is it about your boyfriend and the quiz a lot of things going on here? Because I think it is important to the master, but if you're in a relationship or not, and the more that you masturbate and the more that you spend time with yourself

and figuring out your body and what makes you feel good, then you'll be able to like have that bring that into intercourse with your partner. And you will be able to have more orgasms more frequently because you'll know how do you need to touch yourself and how you need to move. And it's a practice. Like yeah, I didn't even know about masturbation

or orgasm and sex, but I always had the same thing as you. I was like, yeah, sex is good. Like it's fun. I like the intimacy, like the connection with that partner, but it's not that great. You know, and my friends were like, what about orgasm? I was like, oh, okay, I didn't even know.

So I think there's like, you know, there's like a few things going on here. And so you probably, so yeah, but yes, you need more from your boyfriend as well. Okay, so have you talked to your boyfriend about this? About the... Yeah, I told him, because I give him that all the time.

And I enjoy it, and it turns me on. And I kind of wish that going down on me would turn him on too But he studies just something that he's not really in too So I don't want to pressure it because I feel like you know listening to you has taught me I don't want to pressure my partner. I keep doing anything that he doesn't like But at the same time I feel like I have needs. Yes, absolutely. And you've kind of linked his needs. And we all have those needs.

So how many women have those needs? And here's the thing, sweetie, 10 months. I get it. There's a lot of guys, many guys. They're not into the vagina. Like they're into the vagina. They want to have sex with the vagina. They want to put their penis in it,

but they don't want to get in there and get into it. And for whatever reason, he doesn't know how, doesn't know what he's doing. It makes him uncomfortable, but I don't think you're gonna be able to like talk a minute because you've already tried. How old is he? See, you're age 27.

He's a year younger than me. Okay, I get it. And like, and there have actually been studies that just came out that said that the number one determining factor for women having orgasm There was like three things and one of them was like oral sex Kissing and also manual stimulation. So like oral sex is just like, oh, that'd be kind of nice if you could have it No, you like require it. You want it and you're right. You probably would be having more orgasms

You can either just say to them like I actually require it. It makes you feel good I give you blood dubs all the time and I actually enjoy it the fact that you don't want to is like, could be a deal breaker for me. I mean, are you in love with him? Yeah. Is he your future husband? What's going on? I mean, I don't want to, because this to me would be a deal breaker. Oh, no, I don't know.

I mean, we haven't said I love you yet, but this is definitely like, I'm feeling like, it is a deal breaker. It's a deal breaker. I did it to someone for two years, and I mean, there were other issues, but I literally, like, he wasn't a thing. And we had a conversation. I was like, listen, dude, what is up?

He's like, it's just, you know? Because I even gave him an out of it. I was like, listen, is it that you don't know what you're doing? Is it like, you want more feedback? Is it that you think that I don't want it? Because I've told you I wanted, or is it just not your thing? He's like, yeah, just not my thing.

And he was like in his 40s. So I'm just saying, you don't want to wait around from all of a sudden if you realize what he's gonna be into it, he might never be into it. And to me, it's also like, why don't you want? Like it's part of intimacy, it's a part of connection. You're missing that from him. Yeah, totally.

So that's how I felt too. And I was like, well, you're not my thing. And I broke up with him. So you're only 10 months in. I think that's totally okay. You could like let him, I'm not saying you go dump him right now, but you could say, listen and I broke up with them. So you're only 10 months in. I think that's totally okay. You could let them know, I mean, I'm not saying you go dump them right now, but you could say listen, I think sexually,

like this is really important to me and you're not willing to do it. I mean, there's probably other things, right? Let's be honest. Is there other problems? Yeah. Oh, no. Well, that's the problem.

Like, he's a great guy in every other aspect and just in the bedroom, I feel like, but the sex is good. It's just like, I like that forklay that you always talk about. Like I feel like I need more of that. Of course you do. It's cool to like, you say it wants.

And it's like, why do I, I don't want to like, keep bothering you like, this is what I want. It is a requirement, not just suggestion. You, you actually need it to warm up. So if you guys, if your sex is like He's like, hey, Jess. Let's get it on you. You know from work. I'm calling you Jess No, but you come over work. He's like Hey, I'm sorry

Okay, cool and he's like oh you look so hot and then you start like you know You're supposed to close off and his penis is inside you like like you get it and drop down on your bags from work Like of course you're not enjoying the sex. We all need for but because especially women like you require that you want to make out You want to silly and dress to you. You want to like you require that you wanna make out, you want them to slowly address you, you wanna like, you want them to use his fingers to touch your breasts, all that stuff, and all that goes out the window and really is so many relationships.

I've been to the first few times you were together, you said you went down in you and you guys made out, but this is why you're not having sex because you're not having intimacy, connection, affection, all that stuff. I mean, and I know you don't wanna keep saying it, but if you still really wanna give it a try, you could explain to him the importance of Warplay.

You could kind of let him know what would turn you on. Like, I would love just to make out tonight. Or I'd love you gaining a massage. I mean, you could try some of these things, but if he's just really not that with Conolingas, we kind of kind of have our answer here. Yeah. Yeah? Okay.

So, but if you still love him, you're like, yeah, maybe I can live without it. You could explain to him because again, just telling him once that you need more for a play, he doesn't understand what you mean. Like, he's like, yeah, that sounds like a great idea. I'll go right on then, then he forgets, or he doesn't know. You know what I mean? You might need to give him more examples

if you're not totally ready yet. You could be like, this is a snarter that would turn me on. So, I mean, sometimes you do have to repeat yourselves, but you all have to give examples. So, it's up to you. I'm not gonna tell you what to do, but I love kind of like this. Sounds like you do too. like give examples. So it's up to you. I'm not gonna tell you what to do, but I love kind of like us.

Sounds like you do too. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so. Yeah, so it definitely needs to do that and try to just be honest and communicate and be forward and be ready for him to, I don't know, I guess be ready to have the conversation. Yeah, you've got nothing to lose here.

You literally have nothing to lose, and I'm not saying you don't go down to me so it's over, but you could be like, let's talk about the state of our sex. I'm so attracted to you, you're amazing guy, amazing boyfriend, but I feel for like, this is actually, you guys could listen to this, maybe not this one, I don't know,

but you could just say, I'm this podcast, and four plays actually, scientifically proven, women actually require it. I'm not turned, it's weird, I've learned that, I actually don't get turned on when you are, we get turned on at different rates, or rouse rousals really different and this is what I might need This is what I need and then you fill in the blank like when I come home I want you to like for women to it can be words you want to tell you that you're hot or you want them to

I don't know what and then you can bring up the oral sex thing again Let's see what happens but have the real talk because you'll have had it and you'll know that you tried And see where it goes. Okay, good luck Jessica. Thank you. Thigh, have a good night. I never want to be the one who's like, dump them, right? Like, I don't.

And I don't, because I'm not there. I mean, he sounds a great boyfriend, you know, in a lot of ways. But the sex thing, you guys, if you're not connecting sexually, it's just, it's not going to go the distance. It's just not. But I also get relationship. It's really not going to go the distance. It's just not. But I also get like I'm not gonna say dumper without trying. So you could try again to have the conversation, but put some texture, put some words around it, give examples. You know, you don't want to just stay like I do more for a place. So you know, let's see how this shakes out. I would love to hear back from her.

Okay, our next call we have Sean, 32 from California California and he's looking for advice regarding his wife's low libido. Hey Sean. Hi. Hi. Thanks for calling in. So tell me what's going on. All right.

Well, basically like since September, my wife and I have kind of been went to kind of a low patch and didn't have much for any of these. Kind of cutting out. You can. Are you on a headset or? No, I'm on my phone. Okay, cool. You're just kind of cutting out a little bit.

Oh, that was cool. Okay. I mean, you're better now. Okay, perfect. So September, you hit a rough patch. Yeah. And then, you know, and obviously we have a two-year-old and in this sex life wasn't as great obviously and that was fine. But then

it started to get worse like I said around September and we started seeing a counselor in December and things got have been getting great. She's like, you know, we're connection is there again and and everything's been great. But still, you know, we still haven't had sex in four months. But meanwhile, she's, I know know she's been, you know, we kind of talk about it, and she's been masturbating and stalking a few times a month. Okay. And it's just rough because anytime I've been trying to initiate anything, it's just like, I kind of rather watch a movie and hang out on the couch or something. That's what she says.

She's like, in the mood, or, yeah. Okay, so she's really not, okay, keep going. Tell me more. All right. It's kind of rough and I just thought it was odd that she's still masturbating a few times and still but telling me that she doesn't have much desire or has a low libido.

Got it, okay. Okay, so you have an attacks in four months and about seven months ago is when you hit the rough patch. And have you? Yeah. Okay. And the new year, two year old, so there's a lot going on. And does she say, I mean, is there anything going on with her in the sense of, is she

had any medication? Is she depressed? No. No. I think what it boiled down to is, we just kind of did lose our connection connection the first after the first year and each kind of were focused so focused on being parents and well that happens. Well that happens. And focusing on being partners and so I understand that but then when she's telling me that

that we're we've been so much more connected the last few months and she feels really good about us and I'm just you know it's it's a hard subject to bring up because I feel like so like when I bring it up She's like, oh, how do you think about her? So what's making her feel more connected to if you're not having sex How is what where is she feeling more connected because you're communicating more? Yeah, yeah our communications has been so much better and one of her Concerns was she wanted me to just be more present and helping out around the house and She didn't want to feel like she was doing everything, you know, hanging out, you know, by taking care of the kid,

doing the dishes and all that. I've been like, I feel like I've been a super dad and super husband for the last few months. Okay. It feels good. Like I feel really good because I can tell she's, she's, uh, feels really good and she's responding to it. But, um, right, you know, you're saying, but you're like telling me that she's really close to, But you're telling me that she's really close to everything. She's really close to having sex again, but that's just... Did something happen, like in particular when you said you hit a rough patch, was there something that happened in September? You just cut out again, but I would just...

You just cut out for a second. I'm just wondering if there was like something that happened that like Someone lost trust or there was a financial I mean because sometimes when there's a thing major and you think you've resolved it that can also impact like libido I can get to her masturbating in a minute because I understand why that's confusing to you But I'm just trying to understand what the what if there was something kind of major that happens to Timber But you're kind of like oh, yeah, we've worked through it and maybe haven't. Yeah, um, there was something kind of, but it was, I feel like that's going to take up the

the whole, that's not much time to get. Did somebody like cheat? Okay, did somebody cheat lie, steal? Yeah, there was, there's some, like an emotional, emotional, emotional, fair. Got it. So you had an emotional fair? No. She did. Yes.

Okay. And you found out. Yes. Right. Okay. So, wow. All right. And then you've come back and you're like, I'm super dead and you're doing all these things.

She's still not wanting sex, but she's masturbating. Okay. And you guys would just do it. All right. So I feel like there's still something going on with her here. Yeah, because I understand that she's okay, because I was gonna tell you,

masturbation is healthy, people should masturbate in relationships all the time. You should continue to masturbate, but it's funny that she's the one who did this, she had this emotional affair, and now she's not wanting to have sex with you, and I'm not sure how you feel about that. Do you feel like you've rebuilt your trust in her?

Yeah, I feel like it's pretty solid almost back to where it once was. So. Okay. It's okay that you bring up the sex thing. To me, if you haven't had sex in four months, and then, actually, I would think that she'd be wanting to have more sex because she was the one who had

this emotional affair that she would be prioritizing have more sex because she was the one who you know had this emotional fair that she would really She would be prioritizing that because your needs, you know It's actually both of your needs to connect sexually because if you don't that breaks havoc on the relationship So I think that you're like a really good guy and you're like being like super dad and cleaning the house and doing all these things and She's not taking care of you and I don't just mean sex Yeah, you're not feeling like appreciated. She's probably, she's like, oh, I feel more connected because you're helping with stuff,

but it's kind of like a BS answer that she's not like giving you what you need. And I think that you have to say, like sex is important. And I don't know how she thinks she's getting closer if you're not even, you know, connecting all. So either something else is still going on with her. She's not willing to compromise. I mean, having emotional fear is kind of selfish or maybe it was a signal of something else going on that her. She's not willing to compromise. I mean, having emotional fear is kind of selfish

or maybe it was a signal of something else going on that you guys still haven't gotten to yet, but I think it's okay for you to ask for what you want to let her know how you've been feeling. And let her know that, you know, it is a requirement. So what can you do with her to help you guys feel connected to get? Because it is a part of enhancing intimacy

is to have sex again. Even if you take sex off the table, but it's just like oral sex or you're cuddling. I don't know what, but if you guys are doing nothing, like I feel for you. Yeah, I mean, I've been trying to just say, like, hey, let's have a, like, take a shower together, stuff like that. And she's been actually receptive to that. And that's been good. So, I mean, I guess it's just maybe it's just a slow process or something, but. Yeah, but I don't want it to be too, like, four months. And I mean, as long it's just maybe it's just a slow process or something, but yeah, but I don't want it to be two like four months

And I mean as long as you only you know because you're in it Are you seeing if certain things that just maybe you're helping around the house more and she feels better But how are you feeling more connector like what is she done to make you feel more connected to her? Like what changes has she made you're cleaning up around the house. What's she doing for you? She I mean we have had such great nights together lately. You know, we've had, we've made a point to have a date night at least once a week. That's important, awesome.

It's actually been really fantastic. Like, really, really good. I just feel the connection. She's laughing and we're just really enjoying each other. So I can, I know that she's really trying in that aspect and I can feel it, but it's just something about getting sexual. That's the tough part. Okay. Well, maybe you guys are going to try. I mean, if you talked about your fancies

and what turned you on, I mean, if she's masterbiting, obviously she's probably has some, you know, she has things that she thinks about. You need to go buy some toys, you need to weaken to weigh without the kid. Without your kid, do you guys, you know, you got to move this along, though, I think. I'm glad you're making progress, but I just feel like you gotta try something different, maybe just saying take a shower that doesn't isn't what turns around. I don't know, but if you guys,

I would try to find out some more information. Have that sex talk, what would be really fun to try and start exploring some new things? Maybe she needs some kind of four-way warm-up, porn, toys, I don't know. I mean, you, I talk, you listen to the show, I talk about all this stuff about couples connecting and sometimes it could be something outside of it. You listen to the show, I talk about all this stuff about couples connecting and sometimes it has to, so it could be something outside

of it, like you listen to the show together or you go to a sex toy shop together or you watch porn together, you like try something that's so different and new for both of you. And I'm gonna get both your libidos going again, especially hers. Don't be afraid of this. Yeah. Fuck it up, I just, just talk to her, do it. Do it. Yeah, do it now, because life's too short.

Yeah. To not have sex with your wife. You're right, absolutely. Okay, good. So,, do it. Yeah, do it now, because life's too short to not have sex with your wife. You're right, absolutely. Okay, good. So go do that. You got this. Do this. I got this. Yeah, you got this conversation.

And let me tell you, it gets easier. The first sex conversation you have, or even I'm sure that first, but the more you have these conversations that are thoughtful and meaningful and specific and you get into these details, it'll get easier. And then your sex life will get better if she responds to it. And then you know that you're trying, okay? Okay. Okay, Sean, I feel good about this.

Thank you, Emily. You're welcome. Have a good night. Thanks for calling. Bye. I know you guys. I know that communication is hard. I know that communication is a lubrication and all that stuff.

And I'm always saying it, but like, I understand that it's like, it's like, you'd rather like go to the dentist. You'd rather poke your knee down your eyes like, do I really have to have the sex talk? Yes, you do. And it might be clunky and you might laugh or you might cry and it might be really awkward, but there's no like perfect way to have it. It's okay, you just can have it.

It's I'm telling you, like, the only way you can mess up is by not having the conversation, okay? That's how you're messing up. Have the conversation, it'll get easier. Really, you gotta learn to express your needs and talk about sex. That's how you're going to have the sex that you want. Hey, our next host, Tyler. He's 30 from Canada.

And Tyler and his wife are enjoying a wonderful sex life now. But he's wondering how to keep it going. Once their kids get older. Hey, Tyler. Hi, how are you doing? I'm good. I'm good. So you guys are having great sex now. But you're thinking about what's gonna happen in 10 years or give me some background here. Yeah, basically like we've been married for 10 years and things have been awesome and

just getting better. And so after one of our escapades a couple of weeks ago, I was thinking about how great it's going to be if we just keep continuing to learn new stuff. And that was exciting until I realized that my kids that go to bed at seven won't always go to bed at seven. And so I started not panicking but just trying to figure out how in the world that's gonna look down the road because we live in a smaller smaller home and so I'm like do I need to build a bunker in the backyard. Yeah maybe that's not a bad idea actually. I think whatever you can do to keep your hat sexy when you should build a bunker.

Now, but I think also, I mean, I think this is great. First of all, I love that you guys have been together for 10 years and you're like having great sex and just getting better. And even that you have kids, that's great because a lot of people I'm getting calls and talking to them, like, they're not having any sex. So I think that when the kids get older, it might even be a little bit easier at times because, first of all, I don't think there's anything wrong with kids knowing that parents need a long time.

Like we're gonna be, we're gonna have a long time. So I think that that's actually healthy. You might have some more longer weekends away if you people who can watch the kids. But I think that you'll learn to like, you know, they're gonna have their lives, they're gonna be in school, they're gonna be like sports practice or whatever,

and you're gonna just have to like keep it top of mind. Like I love that you guys are prioritized your sex life and so when the kids get older, you'll be like, okay, well we've got Sunday at movie, we've just ranged from the times and we've got Sunday afternoon without the kids here. But you'll figure it out because just know that it's just as important as figuring out

how you're gonna get them into schools and how you're gonna like pay your mortgage and all that stuff. Like your sex life is just as important. So I don't know where your kids will be like then, I don't know what they'll be doing, but you just have to know that like it has to be top of mind and you'll figure it out.

Right, gotcha. And you know the bunker, because that would be really easy to do. You can't hear them, they can't hear you. Yeah, exactly. It's just a love shack in the backyard. Exactly. So I just love that you guys are keep talking about really.

I think you'll figure it out, but I love that like it's okay for kids to know that like not that they have to hear you, maybe you sound machine, turn the TV on or something, that it's okay for kids to know that they have to hear you. Maybe you sound machine, turn the TV on or something, but it's okay for kids to be like mommy and daddy at either time. And you do it. Yeah. Yeah.

That makes sense. I guess that's the one thing is just making sure that I have an answer when their teenagers realize that the magic wand isn't just that shaver and the bedroom. Exactly. No, the toy thing I know, I know. You leave the TV on. And they'll probably be watching TV themselves or out with friends, but you will, um, you'll figure it out. The sound machines are great. You can put more soundproofing in the house. Don't stop using the

magic wand though. Yeah, no, no, never, never, never. I know it's the best, right? Do they recharge them? Yeah. I don't have the rechargeable. Just not yet. Okay, well, I think the rechargeable is a little quieter too. I'm just saying. Oh. And there's a lot of toys. There's a lot of toys that are a little quieter. Not that it's so loud, but there's toys that like barely make any sound. So maybe you need to do some investing.

Save for their college fund and save for a sex toy fund. It's actually really good for your relationship. Okay. I'll be all over that. Perfect. Okay, thanks Tyler. So glad you're listening. You bet. Can't enough. Talk to you soon.

You bet. Keep in touch. Thanks for my life. Tyler, I love it. They're at first ball. I love this call. 10 years. Sex is amazing. And he's just concerned like how are we going to keep having sex?

You know what the kids? I think again, prioritizing your sex life is so important and as to be top of mind in your relationship. Always. Like always, always, always just like going to the gym, you know, exercising your spiritual life, you know, your family life, that's all things you should prioritize as well as your sex life.

Care, next class Ashley, she's 25 from Orange County and she's trying to prove the state of her partner's sex life and there's only one problem she can't get her partner to communicate. Hi, Ashley. Hi. Hi, sweetie. Tell me what's going on. Give me some background here. He won to communicate. Hi Ashley. Hi. Hi, sweetie. Tell me what's going on. Give me some background here. He won't communicate. Oh, a man who won't communicate. It happens.

He just won't. Okay. He wrote, tell me. It's actually kind of funny. It's he just sort of shut down. It's especially in like the the department of like actually telling me what he weren't. I'll ask him a direct question before, during, after, when we're brushing our teeth, kind of things like, what would you like to do more? Is there anything you desire? And he's just like, no, he doesn't say anything, he changes the subject, it's all kind of strange. How was your sex life? It's all kind of strange. Are you having the house your sex life? Um, it's okay. Well, it sounds like there's stuff you need to communicate.

Like you're asking him, but it's because you want it, because the sex life is kind of leaving some, some, the lot to be desired for you. Yeah, and I mean, I, I not do. And it's, it's actually really funny, because the last time I talked to him about, I mean, I have brought up the fact that I feel like we don't have enough sex a time. And he kind of got to the point where he says, why, why you always bring this up all the time. And I finally got to a point where it's important and it's what I want.

And we need to work on this. He said something along the line of like, well, if it happens, it's important and it's what I want and we need to work on this. He said something along the line of like, well, if it happens, it happens and it's, you know, it's all fun and it's good and I like it, but you know, if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. And I just remember saying, well, it's not like pixie dust, it doesn't just like happen, you got to work at it. Yeah, exactly. How long have you guys been together? Six years. Six years you've been together, okay. And, okay. And so how often are you having sex?

Yeah. I mean, when we were first going out, it was, you know, pretty hot and heavy. It always is, by the way, the honeymoon phase. Crazy. Yeah, it was never crazy. Nowadays, it's anywhere from once a month to maybe once every two months.

Okay, that's not enough. Okay, so I'm not gonna put in. No, it's not. I very, very rarely will put numbers and people are like, how many times a week is normal, right? Cause you've last been weeks. And like, and they might say, I have said, once a week, if it works for both of you, it's great.

Once a month, not enough at all. Like, you might as well just be roommates. That's not okay. And then two months, like, why you're 25 years old? Like, what, you should be definitely having more sex with them and with a partner that wants to talk about it. And because you're like, you've so much to, so much to give, so much sex to have,

so much to learn together, grow together. You should not be at this point where you're only having sex once a month, two months, and he't address it because there's compromise needs to come in there might be a reason why he's not having sex and what do you think I don't know I think it's just I wonder if it's our age difference like if you just wasn't like raised in a way where they're like completely open about it where what's your age difference what is the is the age difference? What is the age difference? 17 years. Oh, okay. So 17 years. So he's 42 and you're 25. Mm-hmm. Okay, so that probably does have something to do with it.

That has a lot to do with it. So like for a lot of men, like after the age of 40, a lot of them like have a drop in testosterone, they don't want sex as often. Maybe he's always been like this, I don't really know, but has he been, yeah, I mean, honey, this is probably the issue, and I'm disappointed that he doesn't know

how to communicate about him more at 42. Yeah, you think that they're older and they know how to do things that they don't. No, well they hear the thing, I can tell you they don't, unfortunately, when you turn a certain age sub-guy, if you don't do the work, if you don't do the work, if you don't do the work on yourself,

and by that I mean like learning what you need and what you want, how to communicate with a partner and how to share space with them and how to build a healthy relationship, you don't just automatically pick it up. Like you know, just like, oh, I understand because I've lived more years on this earth. So if he's never learned those skills

and he has no interest in learning them, it doesn't bowed well for your relationship or where you're at right now. And so you really love him. You love him. I'm sorry, what? You love him. You love him. You want to be with him.

Oh, absolutely. Okay. So I think you got to teach. You know, all their aspects of our relationship is perfect. You know, I'm just trying to break him out of the shell. I just feel like I'm a lot more open to talking about it and exploring new things and being adventurous. And he's just...

He shut down to it. So, I'm gonna have to send him away. Yeah, he's been, that's the truth, you know? Yeah, the older you get, you get more sent in your ways, but have you talked to him about it in a way? Cause I know a lot of times we feel like, oh, I told him I needed more for a play or I told her lot of times we feel like, oh, I told him I need a more for a play or I told her that I wanted her to like,

give me more blow jobs or whatever. And we say it once, we say it twice and we think like, why didn't they hear me? But it's really hard to learn a new behavior and a new, you know, and to break out of pattern. So I'm wondering if maybe your way of talking to a mass to change or how in depth you've gotten with it. Yeah, probably. Because I know that, I mean, especially when I originally sent you an email,

it was after being completely frustrated and shut down and I took a lot of time to reflect on it and I figured out that I've gone about it in a negative way and I need to be more positive about it. Right. Exactly. Because it hit him in a hot button issue and it made it so like he doesn't even want to deal with it because it's frustrating. Okay. He feels like he's not making it work and I probably sound like I'm blaming him. Yeah. Really not trying to. I think I'm just really frustrated.

Right. No, that's super healthy. Okay. So actually that is so glad you brought that up because I think a lot of us do that when we're all so delicate around the area of sex and men's egos are so fragile like they hear one thing like one time in their life that they usually wrongse actually and it's like forever that's who they are. So you might have triggered something in them, you know, from another girlfriend who said he didn't do stuff in bed. And and now that you meant to, you're just you're super frustrated It's been a month and you haven't it sucks, you know, so I think you're right changing your approach and coming at it with like It's about your tone and it's timing and it's like how you say things and being more positive and like leading with

How much you love him and how much you value your relationship and how you really want to make it work and you could even say You know what I might not have really I feel like I barred up the sex thing and maybe I haven't done it in ways that that were the most effective and maybe I hurt your feelings and I'm really sorry because I want you to know that I love you. I love having sex with you. I find you so attractive. I fantasize about you and we're not together. I mean, whatever it is to let him know that like you're coming at this from like a place of, you know, love and then just being like, let's figure this out together. Cause I know that I want more sex and you do,

without blaming, but how could we compromise? Cause for a lot of couples, they just, they need to compromise, you know? And then like if you open it up to that, you're like, well, what could we do? And if you just like, I don't wanna talk about it anymore, you don't even really want budge on it, then we know.

But like, and again, you might have to do this again, cause you might have had a lot of negative conversations you have to make up for. But you could also let him know in this conversation, even though you're like, and again, you might have to do this again, because you might have had a lot of negative conversations you've to make up for. But you could also let him know in this conversation, even though you're being serious and positive, I mean, being positive and lighter, you have to also know that it's like very important that it's the glue of the relationship and that it actually matters to you. And it should matter to you too, that you're going to work on it. So like, you got to let him know that it's like, I know I've brought this up and maybe

I've done it wrong in the past, but this is like, what are we gonna do about this? Cause I feel like we need this to move forward and like let them know how important it is. So I think that that change in your tactic will could help, definitely. Yeah, I think that's probably the way I do it. Yeah, I know, cause we do that. Like we get to the point of frustration

and that's why couples fight and they yell cause they get to the end of their rope and like, don't beat yourself up for it, you know? That's how you knew how to deal with it. But I think that's really mature that you've come to this place of like reflecting, realizing how you were saying it. Now it's trying to do it differently. That's all we can do is keep trying. And you might have to have this conversation again and again, but like keep it like and it's okay. It's never too much if it's not making progress. You know, like have it again tonight and like see what he says and like maybe in a few days,

but like I feel like you can't settle for once a month. It's not okay. So how does that sound, Ashley? I'm sorry, right? I say how does that sound, Ashley? You think you can do this? I always sound, oh yeah, absolutely. I mean, I think that's a prudent course of action.

And I just need to keep working at it in a try not to get very frustrated kind of way. Yeah, exactly. And you could even let him know. Here's the thing, like this is the thing about communication. The more honest and real and authentic you are and let him know like, God, I've been struggling this because I feel like I get frustrated, but like, I don't know what, you know, I really want to make this work and I don't want to sound like I'm nagging.

I mean, you could say all of this to him. And hopefully he will hear you. And I think what you need to see from him is also him opening up around sex and vulnerability and maybe you'll learn about why he shut down. I mean, you've been together six years. And so I think that there's a lot of stuff that, you know, maybe he really does want to tell you and he hasn't felt safe. But let's hope that this new tactic and this new way of talking and we'll get him to open up as well. Yeah, you know, and it's really funny that we've been together for six years.

And I don't think I've ever really asked him anything like that before. Wow. Yeah, it's time. I think that's great. I think this will bring you guys closer together if you choose to open up. Maybe no one's ever asked to me there. Maybe he doesn't know what to do with it. So you sound like a really good listener and you're practical and a good communicator.

And so I think that this could be the next level of your relationship if he's willing to accept it. If he's willing to go there. Oh, yeah, I'm totally ready to go. Okay, good. You got nothing to lose your Ashley. Nothing. And only great sex to gain. Okay, Ashley. Thanks for calling. So good to talk to you. Thanks for having me. It's really really awesome to talk to you. So good to talk to you too, Ashley. Have a great night. You guys telling you this communication theme, I've always said it. Really, you guys learned to talk. It's like there's no perfect way to do it. You just got like ripping a bandaid off. You're like, but I'm not sure what just talk about it. And we might get it wrong sometimes.

That's okay. If we're present, we're focused. We're in the moment, we're paying attention to our partner. You're gonna figure out your communication style and we all have different styles. You just gotta do it because waiting around for problems to solve themself unfortunately doesn't happen. What happens is you start next thing you know,

it's four months you're not having sex. So gotta communicate. Okay, we've Matthew Joseph on the phone. He's 27th California and Matthew's looking for advice and how to navigate sex and dating with a mental illness. Hey Matthew, thanks for calling. Hey, how's it going? Good, so we're happy to talk to you.

Tell me a little bit about what's going on. Can be some background. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 when I was 22. It's just been kind of hard navigating a figure and out how to have healthy relationships and how to have a healthy attitude towards sex and finding people that I'm compatible with. Because I, with bipolar, I'm more towards the press side, but I definitely go towards

the manic side at time. Are you taking medication? Are you taking medication? I am taking medication. Oh. Oh. Great. Are you taking medication? Are you taking medication? I am taking medication. Great. And I am seeing a therapist regularly. Okay.

So you're probably like your highs and your lows are kind of more regulated right now. So you're not, right? So in relationships, I mean, I could see them coming up. But how is that thwarting your ability right now? Tell me what's happening like in your relationships. Well, I noticed it does level me out to a certain extent, but there are still highs and lows. Right.

It's not perfect. It's an ongoing topic, trying to work on myself. And I noticed when I meet a significant other, when I'm kind of in one of those highs, everything's great, I'm really confident, I'm a lot more social, and things are great for, you know, a few months or something like that. And then I go into more depressive spell and they're kind of like, whoa, you can't handle this. This is not what I've signed up for. Right. Okay, I understand that. So here's the thing.

So are you getting into these depression episodes for like weeks on end? Or is it just like, hey, I need some time to myself because I'm feeling a little depressed? How intense is it? I'd say weeks on end. And a lot of it is situational. If I'm keeping busy, then I stay pretty up. But if I like get into that downward spiral of just like land or I'm not doing it, doing it for much, not getting into the gym, watching a lot of Netflix, then I get into

this pattern of just the person. Well, this is like, okay, right. No, I totally get this. And I think like a lot of who can relate to this, you are who aren't even diagnosed with bipolar, that like we have ups, we have downs, days that are good, days that are bad, days who just want to stay in bed. And like sometimes one, some weeks to go to the gym all the time, I totally get that. But you're saying that you're eye medication right now and you're seeing a therapist. And now you're taking your medication regularly because I just think that if you are being

treated by somebody that you shouldn't be having, you know, months or weeks, and then that's really depressed or where it's really impacted your life way because there are such great meds out there. So maybe you're not on the right medication right now or you could play with it because it changes over time. That's something I've been working on with my psychiatrist. We've been working on dosage and there's been some great medication that I've been on that worked really well

but the side effects are just so bad. Right. I've gone off like like, serocool. Serocool was a great medication for me, but the side effects just were not. Right, not like. I'm really tired or like, didn't know sex drive. Really tired, walk of weight gain.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, that one wasn't. Right, it's a bummer, right? Because you're like, oh, I'm really happy, but I, you know, I'm not, I've gained a bunch of weight, or like, I can't have an orgasm, like, it kind of sucks. Because you're like, I don't want to be depressed, but I, you know, I'm, I, now I've gained a bunch of weight or like I can't have an orgasm, like it kind of sucks because you're like, I don't want to be depressed, but I know the medications are tough, but I'm, I'm, they, but you gotta keep, because also if it was work for you, you could, there's also gonna be medications that could use it, could counter

those symptoms. So it sounds like, I mean, you're seeing a psychiatrist that you trust and that you feel good about, because usually they can work with the meds that you're taking and then give you something to kind of, you know, counterbalance counterbalance the side effects. You said you got diagnosed five years ago and you're 27. That said, it sounds like you're with someone and you're trying to work out meme. You're with therapists. But when you're in a relationship with someone, if you're wondering, are you wondering if you should tell them right away? If I'm in a relationship with somebody, I get that they all have bad days.

Are we all bad weeks or things happen that bomb us out? They get bombed. But I feel like i'm not sure you know what's happening with you with these relationships if there's like oh i'm out because if you really are just like disappearing for three weeks like i could get that i get that that would be disturbing but like a normal depression if you're like hey i'm having a rough few days they should be there to care for your heart not freak out but i'm just not sure exactly what's happening

i'll i'll just i'm usually pretty open about it and like if I'm in a relationship with someone I just close my past and what's been going on with me. Do you disclose it right away in like the first date or you mean like after dating? Oh god no not okay. Okay just can tell you you don't have to do that. Okay. Way too much. Got it.

But like if I'm getting serious with someone then yeah. Good. Okay. Way too much. Way too much. Way too much. Got it. But like if I'm getting serious with someone, then yeah. Good. Okay. That's healthy. That sounds good. Okay. So then this is the thing that you're saying that you just can't handle it, then you're not

picking people who are emotionally evolved. I guess because relationships are have ups and downs. I understand that having, you know, bipolar, I just feel like it's manageable. Like there should be a way that you can, you know, manage it and you could be with a partner who is able to deal with it. It sounds to me like you're not really, maybe take a break from dating right now and try to get your med set, try to get your life set in a way that you feel like you're really ready to date until you feel like you have all this sorted out. Because if you feel like the meds are still kind of, you're still playing with them right now

and you don't feel like you have the formula that works for you, then why don't you just take dating off the table and like not worry about it and just get your life together when you know that you're in a healthy place with the right meds and then start dating. What if you take that pressure off yourself? That's probably a good idea. And I've been not seriously dating. Recently, I've been more doing random bumble date. Yeah.

Maybe I should just take it all off the table. Just take it all off the table. Just take it all off the table. I think that like you'll have this huge relief because part of the reason I should be dating, I should be doing this like you're 27. Like right now work on yourself. We're getting your mental health and check and your life and check.

And then when you start dating again, you won't have this stress because you know that I've got, you've got everything else under control. So yeah, whatever relief would that be if you don't have to be swiping a night. I've been done bumble too. It's exhausting. It's like a full-time job.

It's swear to God. You took that off the table and you just worked on yourself right now and your friendships and your family and strengthening your support network, I think that that's just that's the right recipe for you right now. I feel better. Yeah, I think that's a good plan and I think that's something I've probably already known myself, but hearing it from someone else is like, yeah. Good, I'm giving you permission to not day right now and to make you number one priority to make your mental health the most important thing.

How's that? That is awesome. Okay, good. You're so welcome, Matthew. See? God, more time in your hands is going to be great. Thank you for calling, Matthew. Keep in touch and let us know how it goes,

but I think you're gonna feel so much lighter when you go back to dating. I know this is gonna be the thing for you. I feel good. Thank you, Matthew. Thanks for listening. I'll definitely keep listening and I'll keep in touch. Okay, please do.

Bye, Matthew. Have a good night. Bye. Thanks. Yeah, I do. You guys, I want you guys first of all. I want you to call, like email me with updates. I actually really want to know what's happening and I think our listeners also, and I think it helps, obviously, like, what happened with Matthew?

We all put a lot of pressure on ourselves, like, we have to have the right job, we have to have the right partner, and we've got to get our life together. Sometimes it's just like, life is hard, and when you let some things go, it just feels really good. It's like a relief. Like, you're not running out of time, they'll always be able to date. In fact, when we're in a really good headspace, that's like the best time to start dating. So I think after a break-up, it's good to take time. If you're trying to work on yourself and mental health issues or get a new job or whatever, it's okay to give yourself a break. We don't always have to be in a relationship and be seeking. I think the best times are actually when we aren't. We know that we're ready to have it always be this constant thing in our minds that we have to be like paired up, because it's like, we have to have a partner. It's just like, it's actually not a truth.

It's actually not something that you should have a living by. See how that feels for you. All right, that is what we have time for. Thank you, everyone for calling in. This is really fun. I love you all. Thank you for listening.

And thank you for following me everywhere. Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram, and tell it at sexwithemily and Facebook.com. So sex with Emily. I've got a great store in my site. Go shopping at the store. All the things I talk about are on there. All the great toys I love and loobs and all that fun stuff.

Thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com. you