Sex With Emily - Let’s Talk About Sex (w/ My Mom)

Episode Date: April 28, 2023

Yes, it’s true: I’m talking with my own mother today about sex. A ton of you have asked me how I got into the sex education business in the first place: now, you get to hear from the person who raised me! First, my mom and I talk about her sexual journey, coming up in a time when open communication around sex wasn’t normalized and female pleasure wasn’t valued. She also helps me your questions on sex and relationships, like how to give a partner feedback when they’re doing something that turns you off, what to do if menopause is tanking your sex drive, how to negotiate with your partner when you’ve got different definitions of cheating, and how to approach a partner who does NOT want to spice up your sex life – but you’re dying for some variety. Show Notes:The Future of Sex TechThe Sexiest Morning Routine EverPRE-ORDER MY NEW BOOK! Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureSMART SEX PRIZE PACK (submit your pre-order proof of purchase at the bottom of the page, be entered to win the prize pack and everyone that enters receives a copy of my new and improved Yes! No! Maybe? Guide)Playground Lube (code SEXWITHEMILY for 15% off your 1st order)PenumaI Gave My Friend a Magic Wand Mini. Here’s Why.MagBreakthrough.com/SexWithEmily (code SexWithEmily10 for 10% off) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's true, everything goes back to communication. And I do think if you can incorporate some humor, because we're all a little ridiculous. We all make unexpected body noises. Everybody does. Things like that. To be able to laugh about it, ready to be embarrassed about it. Yeah, we make it so sterile like it has to be so perfect and beautiful like we see in movies, but sometimes things are funny.

It's messy, it's smelly. Right. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Yes, it's true. It's all happening. I'm talking with my own mother today about sex. A ton of you have asked me how I got into the sex education business in the first place.

Now you get to hear from the person who raised me. First by mom and I talk about her sexual journey coming up at a time when open communication around sex wasn't normalized and female pleasure wasn't valued. She also helps me answer your questions on sex and relationships like how to give a partner feedback when they're doing something that turned you off, what to do if menopause is tanking your sex drive, how to negotiate with your partner when you've got different definitions of cheating and how to approach a partner who does not want to spice up your sex life, but you're dying for some variety.

What to do about it? Intentions with Emily for each episode join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it. I encourage you to do the same. My intention is to give you permission for your sexual preferences and self-knowledge to evolve over time, just like they did for my mom. By the end of the show, I think you'll gain a lot of perspective on what it means to grow as a sexual person and why who you are right now sexually may be different than who you are in 10 years, and that's totally okay. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show.

My new articles, The Feature of Sex Tech, and Sexiest Morning routine ever are up at sexwithemily.com. Check out my YouTube channel, social media, and TikTok. It's all at Sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. And if you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com. Sush, ask Emily or call my hotline 559 talk sex or 559 8255

5739 just include your name your age where you live and how you listen to the show and it's cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. And before we get into today's episode, I'm coming out with a book. It is called Smart Sex. How to boost your sex IQ and own your pleasure. And if you order today, Friday, April 28th, from Barnes and Noble, you can get 25% off on all pre-orders, including print, e-book, and audio.

So if you do that, I'd be so grateful for you to pre-order the book. If you know you're gonna get it anyway, if you want to book the change of your life, just go to sexlamy.com, go to the drop down menu, select new book, it's easy from there, and there's also a link in the show notes. Oh, you also automatically get my new and approved yes,

no, maybe list, and be entered to win the Smart Sex prize pack when you submit your proof of preorder at the link in our show notes. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. So, Mom, so we've been here. You were on the podcast like when I first started 18 years ago. Yes. I think you were on it within the first year.

I was doing the podcast, but I was also doing a nighttime radio show in San Francisco like a live radio show and you came in. Right. I remember that. And we had a conversation. There were callers coming into the show, I remember. It was a call, like, would you ever make a sex tape? And people were calling in saying they had made a sex tape or not. And I was like, I don't know if I would.

People are going to find it. And you let me know, Mom, something. Why let you know that Ed and I, Ed being my husband, had made a sex tape. Yeah, shocking. Like, 36 years ago. 37 years ago. Do you know where it is? Oh, I think it's been burned.

I think it's been burned. Ah! Yeah, I mean, we were young. I was like, the idea was it. How of you? You know what? Remember when I was friends with Gail and she and her boyfriend had done it and they invited us over and he would shoot the second day. Wait, mom, you didn't tell anyone else. Your friends boyfriend shot the sixth day.

It wasn't bubble bath. Oh my god. They shot you having sex in the bubble bath. It's a good friend. Well, yeah. That's kind of hot. Yeah. You know, we had probably, you know, gotten a little high

because we were like, child of the 60s. Now, Mom, what's your take on weed and sex? Because I know that you've been a fan of it, right? How does it affect you? What? We, like, weed or smoking before sex. Well, you know, it was something I grew up with. I, you know, when I was 22,

it was just becoming popular. Hair, the musical hair was big, it was like you were either part of the crowd that did or you were part of the crowd that didn't. And you would look at people and you'd say, oh they get high, they don't get high. That was sort of became your criteria of who you wanted a party with on a Saturday night. How could you tell the people that would in one day? You could. Well, you know, you weren't always right.

So my best friend who was always seemed like the straightest person in the world, but she had been a smoker and I said, I'm having trouble. I don't know how to inhale. And I found out she'd been getting high for a year and a half that her brother had turned around to it. I said, oh my God, I didn't know you'd been doing it.

So she taught you that. And it made you feel like you were cooler and, you know, more of the in crowd, not that you really weren't necessarily, but it was very popular Saturday night. Yeah, Saturday night kind of thing. Yeah. Because I remember I was reflecting on this because we did a 420 episode, you know, 420 is, it's the we, it's the holiday, the weed holiday. Oh, okay.

So I was thinking about one time I came off from college, I think it was sophomore year, junior year, and I came home and I said to you, I just had this conversation with my girlfriends about sex and about orgasms because I realized that I didn't even know what an orgasm was. And then I realized I wasn't, I was like, sex is kind of of disappointing like I like coddling my boyfriend

But I don't like the sex part and apparently I was having orgasms and I haven't had one and what do I do? And you looked at me and I don't remember really having talked you about sex for and you said you know I'm like you should just smoke a joint And honestly I wasn't a smoker then I think I just like okay I think I had a different relationship with weed. And it took me years to realize that that I can't really make it. Yeah. Oh my God. But what you're saying is it's- It loosens you up.

Looseens you up. Kind of lowers your inhibitions. Get you out of your head and into your body. It's not loosens you up. But you feel like you can feel your body more. I mean, I'm glad I did it. You know what? So now with my age, because I know, you know,

I love having those memories. I'm not embarrassed about them. They're like fun. It's part of the history. So it's not like you're, you know, hurting somebody. No, you know, I was the man I loved. Exactly. So I love the story about your sex tape. I wish I could find it somewhere. Oh no, it's been burned. Going up. Do you remember what you knew about sex? I didn't know much about anything. I was really naive. And you know, in my day people didn't sit around and talk about it. I mean, you were supposed to be a virgin even though a lot of people weren't, but it was... Were you? No. But it was a different world. First of all, it was before birth control.

So the fear of getting pregnant was huge. Women didn't sit around and talk about their sex lives so much. They still mean, yeah, they don't do as much now either. You weren't naive. There just wasn't a lot of information out there. But women are much more open now. I mean, my friends and I, as the years went on, became much more open, but we weren't when we were young. We were really naive. I was really kind of a good guy.

Did you enjoy sex? Yeah, yeah. But your dad was my first partner. That was just, and I really, I mean, you talk like I you talk about communication and all of that. We didn't know about communication. People don't. But did you like look for, was it like you guys were together for what, 13 years? 15.

15 years. Yeah. Yeah, I did look. I liked it. Yeah, it was pleasurable. You didn't have any like problems or pain or anything. No, that's good. That's good.

You enjoyed it. Yeah. Cool. Do you remember your first sexual memory? Well, feeling turd on or feeling... Yeah, but I was late, Bloomberg. Like I met your dad, I was 19. And, you know, I had, you know, you just made out and everything, but never did anything.

I mean, I just didn't. In those days, you worried about your reputation, people talking about you, although in reality, looking back, the people who were labeled slots probably hit more fun. But, you know, I was so we worried about what people would think of me and all of that. There was a lot of judgment around female sexuality. There was a lot of judgment. And I just didn't know that much. I had fear of getting pregnant.

That was big. That was big. What about pleasure for you? Was it always pleasurable every time? Like do you have orgasms? So we're really gonna go there? Yeah. So, yeah, I never really had a problem.

Really? I never really had a problem. It's always most times, every time? Yeah, until I got older, but you know, and then age enters into how you. Yeah, until I got older, but you know, and then age enters into how you feel, but when I was younger, I enjoyed it. That's great, mom.

That's where it's 20% of the population. Has it during intercourse penetration? Yeah. That was on my right of there. That was not a gene that I received from you. Good chat, mom. Thanks. Mom, do you think that sex gets better as you age?

Well, I think it plateaus. I think like you're like 30s, 40s, 50s. Oh, then before manopause, it's great. And then things change after manopause. And I even see it with my friends because like, my girlfriends and I were all sexy and our little bikinis and everybody loves sex. But then you go through metapause and it really changes things. And maybe it's getting better, but there are issues when a woman isn't after a metapause with dryness and pain and your libido goes down and it changes. What did you do about it then?

Not enough. I mean, I tried and there's certain things you can do, but there's still not enough information out there. I mean, there really needs to be more and more information about women and menopause. They're starting to have more of it right now. There is more information about it about menopause. I remember you telling me that you took some things like estrogen.

Yeah, you tried different things and it's trial and error and it's okay. And it's more than diminishing libido. So what would you do then knowing that sex is so important? How would you still like make sure that sex would happen? You have to plan for it. Like we were talking last night about setting an intent for making dinner. It's like you have to set an intent like having a date night or it's harder to be spontaneous.

Yeah. When you're young, you're more spontaneous and then that goes away if you have kids and all that. You have to really plan for it. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's true to make sure it happens. Because you were saying after a minute pause, it was harder and I think that that is true,

but yeah, there is a lot more you can do now with hormones and lube and talking about it and normalizing it. And so, you know, things have changed so much. Like, going back, not even talking about sex, but like when your brother was born and I had postpartum depression, Not a lot bad. It wasn't over a few weeks. All I would do was cry. Don't tell him. Because I'll say that's why he's the way he is.

We won't tell him. Don't kill him. But nobody talked about it. It didn't have a label. So you walked around thinking you were nuts. Like why is this that I'm always crying? Like, I'm nuts. And it wasn't nuts, it was all hormonal. And it's the same thing with menopause. It's like these are natural functions that need to be talked about and publicized and made part of the conversation. When it was silently suffered through so many things, feeling it was only them.

It's alive, it is hormones, it's so common. And the more it's talked about, the more it's on television, it's like, so it's I've been so excited to be able to do this. I've been so excited to be able to do this. I've been so excited to be able to do this. I've been so excited to be able to do this. I've been so excited to be able to do this. I've been so excited to be able to do this. I've been so excited to be able to do this. I've been so excited to be able to do this. I've been so excited to be able to do this.

I've been so excited to be able to do this. I've been so excited to be able to do this. I've been so excited to be able to do this. I've been so excited to be able to do this. I had some girlfriends visiting me in Florida and my girlfriend who is like 73. We always laugh how our libidos have been diminished. So somebody was talking about shoes. They said, oh, I'm wearing fuck me shoes. And I said, I'm wearing don't fuck me shoes. So I said, that's what happened. That's what happens, right? But you're, yeah, that's true, I guess.

What do you think that started with your friends? Like 60s, they started feeling less sexual. No, 70s. 70, that's what I feel like. I feel like 50s and 60s, you guys just don't. It's so good. Yeah. I'm like 70.

Yeah, oh, mom, that's good. Yeah. I'm like 70. Yeah. Oh, mom, that's good. That's very funny. That's funny. I should stop. I was like, so what are some of your secrets on how do you think of when you and Ed have been together for almost 40 years? We have.

Which is such a feat. It's incredible. So what would be your secrets for keeping the relationship strong, not just sexually but in other ways? Well, I think relationships change. We always laugh because when I started going with Ed, he lived in Chicago when I lived in Detroit. So it was like you go through that period of where you're tearing

each other's clothes off. Then you go through the period where he'd come in, he'd want a sandwich, and then you tear it down. Then did the male come, let's go to a movie, things change through the years. But your relationship deepens in other ways and trust and in values and family. And now at our age, of it being seven years older than I am I

have a depth of appreciation for him and for his health because around us people are getting sick and dying and we've been so fortunate We still play and we bike and we hike and we have a good time together. And I don't take a day of that for granted. When I was young, I never thought about it. It was just our life. But now I'm filled with gratitude. You're like probably the healthiest, most active 80 plus year old couple I know.

Well, we're lucky. You know what? We're really lucky. It's personally luck. What are some of the other things that you've done to stay connected and healthy? Well, you know, a lot of it is values and giving each other space,

like understanding, I'm trying to change each other except each other, except and appreciate. And we love each other. And physical touching is still yummy. We still love to cuddle and hold and hold hands and always touch. That doesn't go away. The chemistry is still there. It's just a different chemistry.

You guys plan. I feel like you guys do what is really important for a lot of couples is you. Because a lot of couples crave along to relationships is spot-aneity and variety and novelty. And I feel like you are really good at creating fun. You think so you guys would do all the time. We do. So even going to the opera are going to an art walk. I think that's just a great message to send to you all too that it doesn't just be the

bedroom that you're mixing up. But even mixing up your routine is going to have an impact on your ability to feel connected around with the partner. Well, it is. It is. I mean, I love planning adventures. And my girlfriend, who was visiting us in January, said, I'm starting to get a sense of the way you and Ed work together. Like, you get up in the morning and look at the newspaper and look at all the things that are happening. And I'll say, oh, look at, there's a review or a theater group or he'll say there's a movie

or a music group and we get tickets and we go. And we have that in common. You know, we both do it. I think that's really healthy. A lot of people just sit around and watch TV. Like when you ask couples a lot, like where, what's their bonding moments, and what do they feel closest,

or what do they do for fun? People are like, oh, we watch our TV shows. Which you guys also do. We do. We have our shows. More than anyone I know, I think every time I talk to you, you're like going to events and doing things that are just so unique to where you live.

And it's an effort. Because I think anyone could Google your area, like Google wherever you live and say, like, that thing is happening in my city today, no matter if you've a hundred people in your town or a million, and there's always something happening. Well, I feel like you go to those things. We do go to those things. Like, whatever it is, you're like, we're in.

We're going to go. Right. We never say no. We never say no. You have a different food, you walk down a different street, you experience a part of town, all the time. Yeah, I have that. down a different street, you experience a part of town all the time. And I think that's part of you guys feeling healthy and vibrant.

I know what I think one of the things that we always had in common going back to day one was energy. And I think I've talked to you about that. I think energy having the same energy is so important because your dad was a great guy. I'm only buddy late on the couch. Yeah, he was tired. He was a good guy, but he laid on the couch and while I ran around the block. He wasn't ready to do stuff.

He wasn't as fun. He wasn't and so you know. But there were women who would be happy with that. Yeah, it was a mismatch of energy. More than anything else, I think. So when someone's picking a potential long-term partner, what are the things you think they need to look for? Well, I think, do you have fun?

And are you like trying to change each other? Can you accept each other? Don't date on potential. Like, where are they right now? Yeah, if you meet somebody in your 20, you can think that they're going to change. But if you meet somebody, I met at, I was 42, and he was turning 50. What you see is what you get.

We have both changed through the years, living together, we've changed. But our basic essence is still the same. And for me, I've got to have somebody like, I I say, oh, today, do you have any plans? No, okay, let's have an adventure. And he's like, okay, good, what do you want to do? I love that. That makes me happy. I good. You're always getting on me too.

You're like, what's going on in LA? You and you got to get out there and do fun things. So you inspire me to do that too. Yeah, I probably work too much. You always were very good at the work-life balance, mom. I feel like you work and play equal degrees. Well, by the time I really started working at a career, really working hard,

you were almost a teenager. So it made a little, little easier. Yeah. I wanted to make sure it was home for dinner. You know, the other day when I got divorced, they didn't have joint custody. There was no such thing. Right.

So I had full-time custody. That was a lot, Mom. There was a lot. But that was the way it was. When you look at your friends that have been together and stayed together, Mom, what have you learned? Are there any traits that just draw you? Like, this is what successful couples do?

Or is there anything in common? All my friends who have been married like 55 years and whatever, they've all gone through stuff. They have all gone through really hard stuff. Some of them have had affairs. They've gotten to the brink of divorce. I mean nobody has just like skated through, but they have been willing to change whether it's through therapy or whatever and really look at their issues and work on it and decide for the sake of everything they were gonna make it work.

And once they got beyond that, those couples are really happy now. They're really happy and in love. You know, to your friends, I've watched them go through it and I think how lucky they are that they were able to make it work. Yeah, I like that you normalize that.

That couples that go through periods maybe where they just, I like, we can't do this. Sometimes when the kids are really young, or there's like a death or something kind of happens financially, or they've just been together, maybe couples in their 40s. I feel this happens sometimes and they've been together since they're 20s or 30s. Or sometimes you're married.

And I get like, well, I had a dear friend whose father died when she was very young. So when she met her husband, she was 16 and when she met her husband, it was like a father figure to her. But when she was in her 30s, she no longer needed a father figure. But he was very strong and kind of, you know, domineering and needed to change and they had to, but they both made it happen.

If they both wanted to work on it, right? They both really worked on it and they were like, one of the happiest couples say no. I'd be willing to do the work. You they both want to work on it, right? They both really worked on it, and they're like one of the happiest couples I know. Gotta be willing to do the work. You gotta be willing to do it. So which couples don't work? The ones that failed, what happened? Well, the couples that I know that all got divorced

was a long time ago. You know, and I think it has to do with one of the people changing You know like with your dad and I we were happy for a long time and then you know I wanted to work you were in school full time and I wanted to get a job And he really could not deal with me becoming an individual that was before Oprah and maybe if we had figured out Communication and we could have talked to through maybe, but I doubt it. I think it happens earlier. You know, I think if couples get to a certain point like their 50s or 60s, they're going to kind of... Most. I mean, you're some of sure there's exceptions to the rule and, you know, but people that I know. I know a lot of people have married, been married 55 years.

That's good. So mom, when do you feel the most confident in your relationship? Or do you always feel confident? I think you always... With it? Yeah. I've always felt confident. Always? You never doubted it.

I had to doubt it. Not after the first few years. First few years, like, I'm thinking, is this really who I am with? But then it just felt right. You know, and I love the way he is. I've great, great appreciation because he loves my family so much. And I love the way he is with my family and his family.

And I love that. And I'm so glad that like you and your brother and grandchildren get to experience that that makes me very happy. How important do you think that sex is in a relationship looking back on this like what rolled in really important. Really important. Why? Communication and fun and pleasing each other. And what I think is good now is now people communicate so much more like you've talked about that. I think that's so healthy. Yeah.

When you made it healthy for me, I was able to ask you about sex. You didn't ever like shame because a lot of people have shame around it. They don't talk about it at all. Still mom, people still don't feel comfortable talking about sex as you know. I'm sure the thing you know that. But at least they can call you in exactly. Yeah. What do you think has changed in the world of sex throughout your lifetime besides the conversations or anything

that comes to mind? Well, I think there's so much information on there and social media. I mean, some of it's good, some of it's bad, of course. I have to separate. I don't like the idea that kids are experimenting at such a young age. And maybe that's my prudish self. There's something about it that seems so not ready. And I don't know if I'm right or wrong, but I can't feel that way. But, you know, when I was growing up, you played Spin the bottle when you were 12 years old. Now, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. So, right, but on the other hand, I guess talking about it,

like you're making a sandwich, maybe that's the healthy way to be. I don't know. I just sort of accept it and don't really think about it. Yeah, there's a lot, yeah, because there's been some advancements that you know that I've always talked to you about Loub. I've been a huge fan of Loub. How long have I been talking about Loub for a long time? But you always like Lou too, but then I brought you some good Loubs.

So now there's Loubs that are made just for women by women. So up until recently, a lot of lobes were made by like drugstore brands, but now there's really good ones and there's one that I'm the chief sexologist of, called Playground, which I think I brought you so much time

I was in Michigan, right? And what I love about it's like a facial figure vagina, because they use these great ingredients and serums. They like, you know, like do we use face lotion that has hyaluronic acid? Yes. So it has hyaluronic acid, vitamin E and ashwaganda, which I put hyaluronic acid on my face and I take ashwaganda supplement and now it's in a lube. So it's pretty awesome playground.

Did you like it? Did you try it? Yes. You saw the bottles. I bought them from Michigan. Yes. Cool. Like you've changed lives. You know, you've got something guy sitting in a car in Iowa. No offense, Iowa. Just using that as an example where they're maybe they're from they're from a home where they can't talk about it and maybe he doesn't know anything, but he can call you and ask these hard questions or maybe young married people

Could call you and I mean that's a resource. I would have loved to have had that at your age We used to get so excited. We used to read Playboy magazine, you know playboy is fun What did you like about playboy the pictures of the article? Well, I loved some of the explicit questions and answers Two and A's were fun like Like the bedroom confession time was calm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was always fun to read. Yeah. Like, do you have any fantasies, Mom?

Did your brain, do you think about fantasies? You're talking about it anymore? I did what I was young. Yeah. Do you talk about it? Do you share them? No, I'm not going to share them. You don't have to share them, but did you?

Yes. Did you talk about them? That's good. That's how they do. Yes. What do you think about size? Do you think size matters? Yes. You's good. That's healthy. Yes. What do you think about size? Do you think size matters? Yes.

You do. Okay. Okay. Tell me more. Well, for me, it matters. Okay. Do you have a situation where? Yes.

What did you do? What did you do? It didn't last. No. What do you think matters more girth or length? Wow, these are really hard questions. Spit a while. Yeah.

Girth. True. So girth is important to think about. This is a multi-choice. Yeah. Well, no it is, but here's the thing is that for years, this comes out, mom, but size matters. A lot of men have shame about their penises

and they worry about it. And I was like, you know, don't worry about it. It's not about the size of the ship. It's the motion of the ocean. And you know how to use everything else in your body. But the truth is, well, really matters, though, is girth because the inner two thirds of the old man's vagina is the most sensitive.

So if it's girthy, you could hit those nerve endings as long as it doesn't have to be as long. But for years, I was like, you just gotta live with it, you know, but then I heard about this company called Panuma and they actually, it's a scientific advancement that enhances the growth and flaccid length of the penis. This was not a thing before and it's cleared by the FDA. They could do length, but also they can get the growth and it's a silicone implant and

that's what men are doing now. Just saying, that's another technical advance that I want to share with you. But also, most of the time we're all okay with your size. Stay tuned because after the break, my mom and I are answering your questions together about cheating, jealousy, and keeping the spark alive. I'm not going to help you answer some questions. Okay. Okay, this is from Mike to help me answer some questions.

Okay. Okay, this is from Mike, he's 40 in Florida. Hi, Dr. Emily. My name is Mike, I'm 40 years old, I live in Florida, I've been my wife for over 10 years. I was wondering if you can help me with bringing up the negatives. You're always talking about how to share our likes, desires, and how to feel the best. But what about the stuff we don't like? I'm struggling in my relationship with things that turn me off, shut me down, and push me away.

I don't want to put all the problems on to my partner, but I can't help that things I'm attracted to, turn me off, or don't enjoy. You've called them accelerators and breaks before. I want to share my accelerators with my wife, he means the things that turn them on, and make aware of the breaks, the things that turn them off, but just seem to hurt her feelings. She feels controlled by my requests and accelerators. It leads to our relationship rifts rather than intimacy building and understanding, especially if you don't like it something they do like.

And he wasn't clear. But where can I think is like maybe something she's wearing or something like maybe she's got her hair in certain way or maybe like maybe she has pubic hair, and he has one of her pubic hair, I'm not sure what it is, he didn't tell us. But how would you share with your partner, something like that? Well, what comes to mind is that you gotta put a positive spin on it.

Like have you ever tried putting your hair off? Instead of focusing on it and don't say what you don't like, offering it as an addition. Like maybe we could try this or maybe we could try that. You're at your most vulnerable with your partner and if it's a sexual thing, say something they don't like that you're doing. That's really hard. If we get into fight or flight, when you talk to them about sex, they're so worried that it's if you talk about it, that, that, you know, your terrible. It's painful. It's really painful.

So that's a good tactic. I call it the compliment sandwich where I'm like give them something that you really like. Like I really notice how beautiful, let's say it is about him, maybe he wants his wife to wear his hair more. We'll go with that. So maybe they went out a few years ago

or a few months ago with Shader Hair, maybe there's a photo. He says you know, I really love the way you looked in this photo. You seem happy that night too. You got all dressed up. And that would be the first part of it when you give a comfortable compliment.

And then you might say, and I think that when we go out again, it's really hot for me to see you in different scenarios. It's really fun to see your hair up too, because I'm so used to see you in one way. And we change things up in relationships. It can be a lot hotter for variety. Like that's a thing that's really great for a rouse, too, to see our partners in different way.

That's why, like, buying a wig is such a hot tip for people, because you see your partner differently. And then you would close it with the like, so I think that if we, you know, both kind of worked on mixing up the way we look in the world, that we continue to keep our attraction hot and feel good about each other. Well, you could, I mean, I think that's a great way to do it. Another way you could do it is you could sort of make it a game. Like, let's tell each other something

that we think would be fun that's different. You tell me and I tell you. Like that. So it's sort of like a sharing, like giving permission, she might say something to him that he doesn't like, but like make it like a sharing, like giving permission. She might say something to him that he doesn't like, but like make it like a game. That's fun.

I like that. I like the bucket list of like right down three things. You wanna try or three, yeah, three things that would be hot and exchanging the lists. That's fun. Yeah, and maybe also here you could ask her. I hope Mike, you would ask her too, if there's anything that she's into or anything that she would be willing, anything that any request that she has for you.

Because the reason why this probably feels like such a big deal from is because they might not be, although Mike does say here it is, he's like, I go to therapy, I read your recommended book, because I listen to your podcasts. And so, you know, he is doing the work. So I love that. And it's the kind of thing where you just have more of these conversations. I think we're most sense and most vulnerable and bad. Even with the person you love the most,

like to hear something critical. I mean, it's like, out. It is hard. That's why he's got a couch. It was like, I think I always tell me, we've got to have to, we both want the same thing because we want to be connected. We want to be great lovers to each other.

So this is not it. And so it's a lot of reassuring. I love you. I love us. Here's all the things I love about us. This is just something I think that we could use to have more pleasure because things do get boring in style after a while. And our partner does things sometimes it aren't as hot.

So we have to talk about these things because you know what happens. We don't talk about them. Resentments build up over time. Right. Absolutely. Also, I saw something on my set called the Yes, No Maybe List, which I should show it to and see if you know a lot of things, but there's like 80 sex acts on them. And this is one of my favorite tips for couples to do. It has everything on it like kissing and dirty talk and spanking and making a sex tape and and using sex toys. And they each take the quiz and it says you can say if it's a yes, if it's a no or it's a maybe.

And then you each fill it out and then you get to compare lists like, oh, I didn't know we both wanted to be tied up. Or I didn't know we both wanted this or this is a no or this is a maybe. What goes back to communication? Everything does. It's true. Everything goes back to communication. Everything does. It's true, everything goes back to communication. And I do think if you can incorporate some humor, because we're all a little ridiculous, we all make unexpected body noises.

Everybody does and things like that. To be able to laugh about it, ready to be embarrassed about it. Yeah, we make it so sterile, like it has to be so perfect and beautiful, like we see movies, but sometimes things are funny, it's messy, it's smelly. Right. I think Mike you guys have been together for over 10 years. I think you could be patient too because what happens is what I

found is when couples do start to talk about it like they're talking about the weather like you know sunny with a chance of orgasms or you know past assault and how about that anal sexway last night that was really great. Like you just got to talk about it. And the more you do that, it doesn't become so shocking. So I think we have so much fear that keeps us from moving to the next, to the next level of the conversation. Everything's hard at first. So you skill set.

But it's worth it. OK, let's get into Lawrence. It's from Lauren 30 in New York. Hey, Dr. Emily, my boyfriend, I have different views on what it means to cheat. He says that cheating is only an exchange of bodily fluids. I think there are many things that fall under the umbrella of cheating, sexting, sending nudes, grinding on somebody

in a club, taking somebody on a date, verbally telling somebody you want to have sex with them, the list goes on. He agrees that these things are bad, but doesn't consider them to be cheating. While he says he would do these things to me that would hurt me, is it really possible to have a successful relationship when you don't see eye to eye on this fundamental difference about what constitutes cheating? Well, I think it's interesting. I think, I mean, it's semantics. You know, I mean, they've narrowed it down to a word and a definition of the word. And it's really, it's much bigger than that. Why is she suspicious that he's going to start cheating and is that why she's not taking him at his word?

There's a lot more to it than the question. Sounds like she doesn't feel safe. Exactly. Usually when we start worrying about our partner cheating, can we because we had experience in the past with somebody cheating or maybe our parents, you know, our father was cheating on our mom or vice versa? That's one thing. But also people sometimes start to do things that are suspect. You're like, why are you hiding your phone or why are you?

Exactly. You know, not coming home when you said you were going to come home or you catch them in these little things. And then we start to think we're insane and then we get gas lit right or part of it is not true but I think we have to trust our guts more because even if you think someone's cheating and it might be your issues, well then it's just a great opportunity for you to go back into therapy and like look at what it's really about. That's part of it. But a lot of times if you're going to get evidence or things are coming up, the fact

that she has all these list of things here, I would think that maybe he's... There's a lot more to it than the question. I think it's, she doesn't feel safe in the relationship. And I think that the important thing to get beneath what she really means by cheating for her, it's very important to feel safe and to feel like she has a partner she can trust. And there are certain people, I've been able to maybe feel very unsafe and I did not last with them very long. It's a good requirement for me to be with somebody who I just wouldn't doubt it like I can't live in this world. This world of like no does you mean what he says the fact that you think it's okay to send new to somebody because in a way

it's all I mean emotional cheating is a real thing too. Of course. You're like, you're my person that we're going forth together and now these things could be happening that I thought we're saving exclusively for me. So I think it's less about the definition of cheating here and it's more about how she wants to feel with her boyfriend and how he wants to make her feel. And I think when we can tell our partners that things that they're doing make us feel unsafe,

like for example, there's a lot of things that can find out about social media. And people are like, oh, my partner keeps liking all these persons photos on Instagram. I don't feel safe in all these things. And I think that we're so afraid of feeling needy. Sometimes that we're feeling like we are being difficult. And therefore our partners are gonna leave us

if we tell them we don't want them liking people's photos or doing these other things. Or seeing if our partner can show up for us and support us where we don't want them liking people's photos or doing these other things. Or seeing if our partner can show up for us and support us where we need it. I think we just can say to them, it doesn't make me feel like I can be in this relationship in a healthy way when these things are happening. It brings up these issues for me. Is it more worthwhile for you to keep liking these photos or is it more worthwhile for you to, you know, I'd love if you could kind of hear what I'm saying. Right. And really hear this.

I think that you want to be a supportive part of me. Would you be open to not doing some of these behaviors? And if they say no, then that's another, it's giving you more information to work with, right? Things you can talk about when we go to therapy. But if you keep accusing your partner or something and they're really not doing anything, it's usually because either we're doing something,

we grew up in a home where there maybe was some infidelity or past your own. So either way, you gotta get some help for that. I can't think of any scenario where therapy isn't gonna help somebody in life and definitely in relationships. I feel like we go get help in so many areas of our life, like feeling strong with our business,

we go see a business coach or, you know, we get help. I mean, I see like, there's this one couple that I know. You don't know them, but they've been married like 57 years. He's really a disgusting guy. And they've been married forever and they've never had therapy. And she's really politically everything there like on opposite courses. But when you get to a certain age

and you've never had therapy or worked on yourself and she had this horrible childhood. And you could really see it. You could really see how they function with their kids, with their family. It really shows. If you don't do the work, if you don't really do it. How would you describe that doing the work with that?

Because people haven't been in therapy. I always say it's like getting a second opinion on your life. People can go through therapy and it may not do any good at all. Because you have to be willing to look at yourself and be willing to go through the pain and change. You might say, oh, I went through two years of therapy, but if you haven't really looked at yourself and done the work, because a therapist could only do what you tell them.

If you don't tell them the truth, or you're lying to them as well as yourself, they can't read your mind, then you know. Yeah, you have to do that. You have to do that. It's hard work. Yeah, they can't read your mind. Then, you know. Yeah, you have to do that. You have to. It's hard work. Yeah. I can't imagine. This is from John 42 in California.

Hi, Emily. My 42-year-old man married for 15 years. We have two children. Our sex life became less frequent and less exciting after having kids and pursuing our careers. Over the last year, though, I've decided that I don't want to settle for mediocre sex. And like most things in life, I want excitement and passion. Unfortunately, my wife does not share the same interest in spicing things at all. Yeah. She's willing to have sex, but she's not excited or interested in ever trying anything

beyond on our routine. I've tried explaining this over and over. I think we need to add some spice to our otherwise healthy relationship with the feeling as one sided I am bored through a teen but when we discuss this she says that there's nothing wrong with our routine It feels like a hopeless struggle to get her interested in open her mind to do things Do thoughts or ideas highlight pick her interest and desire to open up and explore the world beyond the mundane your advice and Insighted it's greatly appreciated. I love reading like advice. And a lot of times it's in reverse too. You know, where the guy doesn't want it or the way. And I think, you know, people, they look for somebody else.

You're saying that they might look for some else if you don't do the work with your partner. Yeah. Why do you think people don't want to do the work, them? Why do you think people don't want to talk about sex or change it up? You know, that's a really good question. I mean, I don't have the answer for that.

I mean, I do. Uh-huh. You do. This is your answer. Well, I hear this. And I think to myself, it's because his wife is probably so fearful that it's something his request is something that she has so much shame about. And she doesn't really know what he means, but he wants to mix it up.

And she's afraid it means like three sums or she's going to have to go do something crazy that she doesn't want to do. And what he's really asking for is like connection and maybe like an old sex in a room or her wearing a piece of lingerie or using a sex toy. Like it's not our biggest fears usually. It's probably just something that's a little bit different because the same thing gets bored after a while, but since they pop, he's like many people

don't have a lot of experience talking about sex and talking about their lives. She's gone into this like nope, I won't do it and shutting him down. So I feel like if there's a way to get her to understand that that's not what you're talking about and maybe you could get really, really clear, John, about what you would like to try.

Like, again, I have a feeling that she's tripping to some place, it's like it's some extreme thing that's probably not that. And if he could get clear on what it is, and explain it to her, it'd be a lot better. Because a lot of times when you think it's, you know, like he needs to have a crazy threesome or something, but it's probably just a different

position. Maybe they need vacation sex. Maybe they need to talk dirty. Maybe they need to watch porn together. And it doesn't mean that she's inadequate and not sexy and not lovable. So I think that the problem is that when you bring up sex a lot too, we go to this like, I'm unlovable.

I'm not enough place. And so the more you can speak to that part of her that feels that way and she can hear it in a way that realizes, okay, we're in this together. We both want to have great hot sacks. We want to say together, we love people sometimes they settle like she's got a job. She's got the kids. She's tired. She's tired. She's tired. She doesn't want to take on one more thing. She's happy to fall into bed at night. That's happens a lot. And it happens a lot. People are tired. You know, you get up, you've got to deal with the kids,

get them off to school, fix their lunch, work all day, come home, dinner, do the dishes, and fall into bed the last thing you want to do is put on a sexy lunch, right? If I were just saying the fast is like to make a plan, like get a babysitter or have to do something, like make a plan like get a babysitter or you know have to get you know do something like make a date you got to change the routine we're all such creatures of habit myself included every night I have my ice cream cone from Trader Joe's. No, I know we are and that's the problem with sex too is that we And you're like, and you're like, and you're like, and you're like, and you're like, and you're like,

and you're like, and you're like, and you're like, and you're like, and you're like, and you're like, and you're like, and you're like,

and you're like, and you're like, and you're like, and you're like, and you're like, and you're like, and you're like, and you're like,

and you're like, and you're like, and you're like, and you're like, and you're like, and you're like, and you're like, and you're like,

and you're like, and you're like, and you're like, and you're like, and you're like, and you're like, sex is so important. It's the presentation. It's how you say, yeah. Same word. Let's have some fun, Saturday night. Let's get a sitter and try something new. Right. Now, make it about the sex, but kind of back into the sex, so to speak. Yeah. Let's dress up or let's, you know, do a role play or... Role play is fun. Yeah. Come up as like an alter ego or just doing different stuff. We're just making it like a one-time thing. Because it is important. Yeah.

So we got to figure out what works for us. Just make it like a one time thing. Because it is important. Yeah. So we got to figure out what works for us. Everyone's there's a different thing that's going to work for everyone to get in the mood again, but I think it's a matter of realizing that it is important. And you can't put on the back burner and the more you put, it's going to be harder and harder to get it off that back burner. Well, he's going to start getting really resentful. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Sounds like he already is. So, again, maybe therapy too could help to some of the things you're going to therapy for life. It could be a few sessions. It could be you greedy go for two months once a week with your partner. And you can even do it in Zoom now.

So I'm like, we don't have time, but it's an hour of your day. It's an hour a week. And it's so worth it. So couples can learn the communication skills that helps them go to the breakthrough, breakthrough with their stock. Ready, Mom? I'm going to ask you the five questions you add. These are our quicky questions. Ready? They're quick. Answer the first thing that comes to your mind. Biggest turn on. Attention. Biggest turn off.

I would say somebody who's unattractive. What makes good sex? who's unattractive. What makes good sex? Communication and touching trust. Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships. To be more confident and to talk more and get in touch with what I want. What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex?

To have fun and loosen up and think that we're all ridiculous sometimes and have the ability to laugh. Love that. Thanks mom. Thanks for being here. Thank you for having me. I was fine. Having me.

I could go for birthing me and raising me so. So I'm so grateful for you mom. Aww. That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there,

check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationship, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559 825 5739. A go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to A Cast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. you