Sex With Emily - Lingerie Looks, DDLG, and Love-Bombing

Episode Date: October 27, 2020

Halloween’s cancelled this year but that doesn’t mean you can’t dress up. Today, I’m talking about lingerie, figuring out what outfits you like, how to talk about it with your partner and what happens when your plans for a sexy lingerie night go astray. The right outfit can completely transform sex and break up the monotony in long-term relationships. (Spoiler alert: it doesn’t have to be leather or lace!)Later on, we talk about the perks and pitfalls of daddy dom/little girl play, how to spot red flags before you get too involved and how love-bombers use affection to manipulate their partners.For even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show, it's all about finding your sexual confidence by dressing up like it's Halloween in your bedroom. All this and more, thanks for listening. Oh yeah, I like when you wear the leather boots and the skirt. Well, I don't think it looks that good on me. So I think it does. Well, do you ever ask her what makes her feel sexy? Like, what does she feel sexy at? I don't know. I guess I should ask her. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubize. They call them in a fight on day. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Happy almost Halloween. I know that this year looks a little bit different. A lot of us are able to run around parties and dress up and do all the things, but I want to tell you, there's still a part of that you could bring into your bedroom at home. I encourage you to still channel that alter ego or find a way to just show up in the bedroom as a different character or a person. This is the year to try it,

especially if you've been sort of falling into a sex rut lately. I think a lot of us have had that. Sexy outfit, fun, can spark fantasies, get your role playing, get your partner in the mood, get you in the mood. You know, when we bring something new to the bedroom, like we start to, we dress up or we're like, oh, tonight I'm going to try one thing different. That's all it can take. Sometimes it's one different thing, a different outfit. And that could be the spark that you need to feel turned on again. Maybe it's lingerie, maybe not.

We got some tips. You're also going to hear from Ovee and Amanda on my team who are sharing some of their personal experiences. Oh, God, we learn so much about each other. All right, intentions with Emily for each show. Let's set an intention. So what I mean is when we're listening to the show, what do you want to get out of this show?

What sparked your interest? Maybe you just listen to every sex with Emily episode, which I'm totally down with. Lot of you do, that's awesome. Maybe it's, oh wow, I never feel sexy in the bedroom. What do I do? Because I hear that from you a lot. My intention is to give you the tools

to encourage you to find your own bedroom style. Remember, it's up to you. Now we get to express ourselves and if confidence is the sexiest thing, it doesn't make sense. We should all find what really turns us on. All right, hope this turned you on. Enjoy the show. So, because it's October and maybe we can't dress up as much. We're going to miss all the Halloween parties and we love that one night of the year where

we got to dress up as something that made us feel sexy or different or out there and that's a built-in roleplay. Well, first off, we've decided that this is fantasy and finish month that's sex with Emily. All month long, we want to give you ideas about how you can do something in your relationship that's a little bit more fun and outside your box. And I was thinking about how things like role playing like that where you don't need a lot of prep, you don't need a lot of costumes, you don't have to

go out and buy a French made costume. You can just show up and use your words. You can play with dominant, submissive, you know, power play. It's really just the act of doing one thing different in your relationship. And so I was thinking about this time, my ex-boyfriend, you're dating for a while. Maybe we were dating for six months, and he kept saying to me, I want to see you and, know where some lingerie and where those like sexy garter things those are really hot. And okay tell me if you can feel me in this. This is for people who were garters. It's a pain in the ass. Yes they're sexy.

They're thigh highs. I understand the whole thing. But you have to have them clip to a thing and then have them lined up perfectly. So my boyfriend said to me, I would love it if you came over some time and surprised me and the idea of what he thought was sexy and I was like, okay, so I go in my drawer and I was like, okay, let me dig out the garden because I'm gonna go to his house tonight. It had been six months, we've been dating

and he brought it up twice and I thought I'm gonna wear the gardeners and put in something sexy. And luckily enough, I had a friend over this night. She's a stylist and she used to work for Victoria's Secret and I said, can you help me? I've been wanting to dress up for my partner and for myself and I want to feel sexy because once I do it, I actually like it, but it's just making that effort. It's sometimes it takes planning to fulfill a fantasy or to role play or to

do like that one thing different that I believe we all need to do in relationships from time to time. I have all of this laundry. Let's put together an outfit and I'm going to go over to his house because I have to be there in an hour. So we start digging it out and I put on like each, so here's what you have to do if you're wearing these garters. You have to put on each stocking one at a time and then it has a seam in it. And you have to make sure it's lined up and then you slide the garter part that clips, you step into that.

And then there's these friggin' annoying clips that you have to make sure they clip around the stockings. And I don't know, I'm just not great, it takes a beat. But she made sure they were straight. And then I put on this like lace body suit and then underwear, I had some layers on to make it really sexy. I love layering underwear. Like you can layer wider underwear

and then you can put like a thong so you can take things off and I had a whole plan. So I'm putting all the clothes on. She's, you know, I'm like, I was running late too because that happens and it so takes a little bit extra time. But I was like, I'm feeling good the clothes on. She's, you know, I'm like, I was running late too, because that happens. And it so takes a little bit extra time. But I was like, I'm feeling good and I looked hot. But then I realized it was pretty hot in LA. And I wanted to get dressed,

but I couldn't throw on like, flip-flops, because when you're wearing stockings over your toes, you can't do that. So I thought, it doesn't look good under clothes. Sometimes if you have little things sticking out, none of your shirts ever work with it, or your skirts don't work with it. So I said, okay, I'm going to put on just jeans

because I have to wear boots, and I put on my clothes, and I go over to his house, and I walk in, and his air conditioning's broken. And I start to sweat, and I'm wearing this really sexy outfit and all these layers and I sit down. And he's like, you know, we should just talk about this thing,

this challenge in our relationship. And I realize that I am so hot and I'm sweating and I'm wearing this outfit. And then we start to fight about things and then I like beads of sweat and I'm thinking, I finally dressed up for this guy. And now we are fighting. And then I started itching and I took off my shoes and he's like, what are you doing?

And I was like, I'm wearing this goddamn thing. It's on, I don't know what I, I don't think I said that, but that's what I'm thinking. I'm wearing this really uncomfortable thing. And I don't think I got to wear my outfit, which reminds me, I probably need to get it all together again, for someone else I'm seeing. So I don't know why I waited so long, because if it had gone well,

probably would have been a hot night. I don't ever want to have to take those 10 minutes putting on a thing, because I don't actually find them particularly sexy, but thigh highs. I think thigh highs are hot without having to do with like the antiquated little garter things. I could have just showed up with something that I felt 100% sexy in and that I felt you know more myself in and not try to do everything that he wanted without thinking about myself.

And I made it like a to-do list item. And then I wasn't, you know. And I also waited a while to do it. I didn't prioritize it. I know that your partner has probably said to you, how can we don't initiate more? Or I would love it if you initiated sex, you never do. And then you leave that conversation saying, oh, okay, I'm going to shake. I'm going to do it. And then the next day, you're like, oh,

you know what, I should initiate. And then you're like, I have it, I'm not sure how. And then weeks go by. And then your partners that I asked you to initiate. I feel like a lot of our listeners are probably relating and also it's especially hard because everyone's living at home together. So how can you like prioritize having a fantasy and doing something fun with one another relating and also it's especially hard because everyone's living at home together.

So how can you like prioritize having a fantasy and doing something fun with one another when you're like literally just on top of each other all the time? That is the problem. Challenge right now is if you have kids at home and there's no time, changing diapers, the kids are home zooming, none of that makes you feel sexy. And so, Ovi, I mean, it's a good question because that is the problem is that, okay, you're telling me to prioritize my sex life at a time when my house is full of people and kids, and there's no separation between kids and work and home and our sex life.

So guess what? Falls off the to-do list, your sex life. So the best thing you could do is just call it out with your partner and say, you know what, I realize we just nothing sexy about our situation right now. Let's try to find a time just for us. Without the kids at home, maybe they'll all be out on Saturday morning

from 10 to noon. Maybe they're going somewhere. Maybe you could have a babysitter coming and you can get a hotel room for a few hours. Maybe you have a friend who's out of town and she's your best day and you'll say, can we just come over and go into your guest room? We'll bring our own sheets. I need to have sex for three hours. I love the idea of just switching up locations for a beat because even if it's a few hours,

just that anticipation of moving bedrooms and then you know that sex is going to happen because you're looking forward to it. That's even a precursor to having a new location like a hotel or a friend's place. So I say prioritize it, talk about it, find a work around schedule sex. Let's talk to Steve 55 in Kentucky. Hey, can you hear me? I got you. My wife likes the master bay when I'm not around. Should I be worried? I'm not fulfilling her. And I really like to leather out fit. How'd I get her to wear it? Great question, Steve. Both of them. I don't think

you should be worried about masturbation at all. I love that your wife is masturbating when she's home because that means that she's really in her body and she wants to feel good and she knows that masturbation is part of being a sexually healthy person. So I don't think there's anything to worry about unless I mean, how's your sex life, Steve?

Yeah, pretty good. A couple of times a week. She likes to go down, I go down on her. So that sounds good to me. That's good. Yeah. I think that that's great. Yeah. I think it sounds good to me. Is there, do you think there's something wrong with masturbating at home alone? No, I just, you know, make sure she's satisfied. You know, if that's the way she has to be satisfied, I'd be a little worried about it sometimes. Yeah, but you know that she's having orgas way she has to be satisfied, you know, I'd be a little worried about it sometimes.

Yeah, but you know that she's having orgasms with you, right? Yeah, if not, she fakes it real good. So. Well, how long have you guys been together? 27 years, so. Oh, so Steve, how did you know she was masturbating at home? Did she tell you or you walked in on her? What happened?

Now, she told me and then I bought her a vibrator, so. Nice. Well, Steve, that sounds like an excellent opportunity to say, hey, I'd love to see you masturbate. Why don't we do some mutual masturbation together? You know, I'd love to watch you turn yourself on. I think that would be really hot. You could also say, God, thinking about you masturbating at home

is such a turn on. Tell me what do you think about? Is there something you want to try in our relationship? How can I be a better lover to you? She won't ever tell me what she fantasized about. She just says, I'm thinking about you, which I know she's lying, but still. Well, I mean, I think you could say,

is there anything, well, maybe there's a way to say, I'd love to take our sex life to the next level. Let's try something different. Let's do something fun. What's a fantasy that you want to try? We haven't done yet, and I'll share one with you. Oh, she doesn't want to. I want to try? We haven't done yet. I'll share one with you. Oh, she's in the right corner. You want me to talk with her? I want you to see somebody else that. Oh, so do you guys have three sums?

No, she wouldn't do that. How do you know? I already asked her. She's done now. Well, I mean, but maybe you guys could talk about it when you're like as a dirty talk situation and be like right now I'm picturing someone going down on you and this is happening and I'm eating you from behind I mean that's a really hot thing to do. I talk about it but she she doesn't like that so but she will wear the leather outfit around so how do I get her to do that? I think you can tell her that you think it's so hot when she wears this leather outfit

and you could just say I've been thinking about that. Oh yeah I say I like when you wear the leather outfit. You could just say, I've been thinking about that. Oh, yeah, I see. I like when you wear the leather boots and the skirt. Well, I don't think it looks that good on me. So I think it does. So. Well, do you ever ask her what makes her feel sexy? Like, what does she feel sexy in?

Ah, I don't know. I guess I should ask her. I think that would be great. Because you know what I was just talking about, Steve, it's so funny you call in. But I was actually having a therapy session with myself before you called in, because I was trying to analyze why would my boyfriend ask me to wear these

garter things that are pain in the ass. I was like, why didn't I do it earlier? And I thought, well, because that's not the sexiest thing to me. What is sexy are these other thigh hies I have. And there's other body suit. And if I show up in something that's not that different, it just didn't have the little hooks.

But it still goes up to my thighs, and I felt sexy and comfortable. Is he gonna kick me out of his room for not wearing garters? So I love that. That's right, huh? But I didn't think I had permission, like I got my own,

because I'm so busy, and ironically I wasn't thinking about what I wanted. I just, okay, he wants me to wear something. So maybe with your wife, I love this as an opening, an invitation for you, Steve, to have a next level nonjudgmental, very open, very positive conversation with your wife you've been with for 20 plus years and say, you know what? I love when you wear that leather outfit, but what would be sexy to you? You want to go shopping and buy something?

What turns you on? I want to continue to go to the next decade with killer sex. What can we do? And do you like wearing leather outfits? I do like wearing leather outfits. Yeah? Well good. I think leather sexy.

What do you have that you like to wear? I love my leather pants. I hope this isn't going in another direction, Steve. You're asking me what I'm wearing. I'm not wearing them now. I love leather pants. I love leather pants. I'm not trying to figure out what.

Okay, this is what I feel sexy. I, ironically, the my ex-boyfriend we met because I was wearing these leather pants and he saw me from behind. He was like, those pants were hot. So, and I know those pants are hot, so I have no one, those pants are hot. So, I like going big shirts, I kind of show,

you know, my boyfriend's shirt shows, you know, little cleavage, but kind of still buttoned up. I like wearing thigh high boots, body suits. I like things if they're comfortable, but sexy. I love Lacey Brause. Okay, more sex with Emily after the break. Here, just talking about what are some requests your partner has made for you to wear. And did you do it? Did you wear it?

What do you feel sexy in? Amanda, you were saying that you found out that your boyfriend, what's he into? Yeah, so he really likes crop tops and crop sweatshirts. And I've tried to understand why, because his favorite outfit for me to wear is a crop sweatshirt and socks. He says he likes the idea of being half dressed,

like not being able to wait to take off all your clothes types of things. So anytime I wear like, I have this one crop sweatshirt that I wear because it's comfy all the time. But whenever he sees me wear it, he's always like, oh, you're wearing this sweatshirt. Okay. But doesn't that feel good that he looks at you

and says, oh, that's hot. And I like that. Oh, yeah. The fact that like, I'm like you, when you were saying earlier that comfy clothes are like your favorite comfy clothes are sexy clothes. I was like, I can't really agree. Exactly, because I feel still comfortable

because I'm always about comfort. I don't want anything that's not comfortable even out. I will buy. I don't can't wear wool sweaters. I have everything that are super, super constricting. But I want to be comfortable. Because then if you're wearing something stiff, here's what it is. If you're wearing garters or a really constricting thing, for me, being comfortable in your body

sexually is so much about feeling free, being able to move. So I think it actually takes a beat to think, what do I find sexy? And here's a tip, is that you could find something that you feel the sexy in. So let's say, when you wear, let's say, mirroring a mini skirt or any kind of skirt is where you feel the sexiest. You could find a skirt that you feel sexy and that you could also just wear a bra with it, right? So maybe just because when you're wearing a skirt,

you like to pull it up your legs. And so you could incorporate things or maybe you love wearing scarves. You could just wear a scarf, right? If that's something that makes you feel sexy every time you throw it on, bring it into the bedroom. There are no rules here.

Think about what makes you feel hot. It's also a little bit easier. Like, I remember one time I was trying to put on this really intricate lingerie that I saw, like on Victoria's Secret, and I had made the mistake of having like two glasses, maybe three glasses of wine, before trying to put on this lingerie.

So I go in the bathroom, and I'm like trying to put it on. I cannot figure out the garters. I'm like stumbling. And my partner at the time was like knocking on the door. He's like, are you okay? One second. I'm right. That exact thing. That's exactly, that's so true. It's so funny because it's a complicated thing. So did you have partners in the past who like something totally different Amanda? We've talked a little bit about DD LG on the show before and daddy down little girl. My first time dating a daddy was kind of peculiar because he wanted me to wear like

little girl stuff and On one hand it was like super, like it was the most inexpensive laundry ever. But on the other hand, I was so, I was really young and I didn't know a lot about the king because so I was like, this is kind of weird. You want me to wear like a really little socks and a t-shirt with a popsicle on it.

And then I looked into it and I was like, okay, wait, this is a cool thing. Like this is a club culture. And this is subculture, did you? And this is funny, it's like our most popular blog on the website, one of them at saxwithamely.com. What did you, could you get into any part of it? Because there are different facets of it.

There's like being the brat or being the little girl. You know, did you play out the role with him? Like did he ground you or spank you or he probably spayed you? Oh, yeah, I totally got into it. I was, I was converted. How did, yeah, I think it's fun. I've never gone that I've done it in the bedroom but a little bit but not as a relationship,

not really playing it out in day to day life. How did you do it? What was your scenario? I remember at one point, we were long distance, so we had rules. I had to text and ask him permission for certain things, and that was kind of fun. I think the idea of punishment at any point is kind of like exciting and like, yeah, being a brat, like saying no and saying what would happen to you.

And we talked about before how like being a sub is really fun when you're a type A person because in real life I'm like, I'm in control of everything. I need to get shit done. I need to do this, this, this. And so then when you're like in a BDSM or DDLG kind of relationship and you are this like powerhouse independent woman, it's nice to like have somebody take care of you for a change. Yeah, it really is. Would you would you do would you do that

again? Would you be in a power relationship? Yeah, I was gonna say that I think that I would do it again and I do do it again. I think that it's really, like you can like play around with it in your relationship without like committing to it 100%. Like it's not the norm. Like it's not something we're in 24-7, but it does come up every now and then.

And that to me is what I prefer. I would not want to be like, I have to get on a Zoom meeting with my team. Do I have your permission, daddy? I can't do it day to day life. But in the bedroom, I was like, Daddy, do you want to, you know, I would, yes, I think that that could be really hot. Was it so the whole relationship was that? Oh, I wouldn't say the whole relationship.

It actually kind of became a little bit of a problem because it started to bleed into, we tried to keep it for the bedroom only, but then it would start to bleed into our personal life. And he got like really controlling. And so I was like, this is too much. Like controlling. That is one of those toxic traits that it just happens so gradually, right? Like you wouldn't date anybody off the bed. I was like, I'm going to try to control your life

and tell you who you could be friends with and where to spend your money and what you should wear, right? It's such a insidious process, I think, where you don't really realize it's there until you're like, oh, shit, right? They try to take control. Yeah, it's so important if you're ever in like a BDSM or like DDLG or any sort of relationship where there is that kind of power dynamic. It's like create boundaries because it's really easy to blur those lines like what's acceptable in the bedroom versus what's acceptable in real life. I want to hear a little bit more about it if you wouldn't mind the scenarios that were hot and then when it got to be too much.

On one hand, I really liked, like in the bedroom, I really liked being told what to do and how to be like what position to be in that kind of thing. Like a lot of the times we would start it off with like a bath and it's just like feeling really nurtured and then it would be like a more controlling aspect. And that was like really nice. But in real life, then my ex, my partner at the time would start to be like, one of my plays was getting done in New York. So I went, I was like, I'm going to New York for a week and he was like, you're just going to leave for a week. And I was like, this is, this is not something

I need your permission for. Yeah. Good. Well, I'm glad you, I'm glad you noticed that. I mean, you know, I mean, I think you're right. Especially when you're an independent woman with a life and a lot going on. But for some people, I guess it's, uh, maybe it's familiar. And, you know, maybe their parents were like that and then it becomes attractive or they don't want to lose the person. This reminds me of this thing I was reading about, if you have a really good relationship, these things aren't going to happen. You wouldn't allow them to happen.

And when you see them all in one place, they make decisions for you. Of course you make decisions together, but they're not just calling all the shots. They're not the only ones planning. They're not the only ones saying where you're gonna go and when you're gonna do it. I mean, just all of these, I was like, oh my God, I've had these experiences

or you guys have called in with these experiences that you've had like one of these, but you could also be with people who do all of these things. Really hard to kind of notice that behavior and because especially if you're a people, please, or especially if you're sweetheart, it doesn't matter what gender you are, if you're the kind of person who is naturally accommodating,

you won't like always realize that you're being taken advantage of. So it takes like a minute for you to step back and be like, wait a minute, this isn't right. Exactly. That's exactly it. We don't often realize, but I think also we have to trust our guts. Like if you feel like they never apologize.

This tries me crazy, people who never apologize. And unhealthy relationship partners usually have to come to some conflict phase in order to get an apology or even awareness of an issue. But some couples never get to the point where, I don't know, well, I didn't really do it wrong or I didn't mean to, so they never apologize. You know, you could never compromise.

Maybe your partner holds on to grudges. I think a partner who holds on to grudges, well, you did this thing or that thing and they're constantly bringing this stuff up. Do they dismiss you? I can never handle that. They could never see my point of view ever. They always like, well you're wrong and here's why they don't apologize. They're constantly on their phone. They seem distant. They don't hear you. They're jealous all the time. You feel insecure. You've never felt insecure before, but now you suddenly feel insecure. They're constantly comparing you to others. They know where you feel insecure than they're constantly saying, well, you don't do it

like our neighbor. But the thing you hear that I wanted to bring to everyone here was, they resist therapy. If your partner will not go to therapy, that to me is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. It may mean they're not fully invested in your future as a couple. How many people call and say, well, I told my partner we're in therapy, but they just won't do it. You get a toothache, you go to the dentist, your car breaks down, you go to a mechanic, your relationships in trouble, you can't communicate, go to therapist. Don't go anywhere. There's more sex with Emily coming right up. I'm talking about a whole bunch of things right now, but really about learning in relationships and how you learn these lessons about dating in your 20s, how it's different in your 30s and the experience you have, it's just all the things.

That's why we've called in. I'm going to get married. I'm 21. It's like, no, you've got to take a beat. This is when you learn what I like and what kind of partner do I need and what's important to me. And then Amanda, you were just asked me on the break, did it get easier to figure out what kind of people I like and don't like. Yeah, I was just wondering. For the listeners point of reference, I just did 30. And our associate producer, Ovi,

is in her early 20s. So we were just talking about, I feel like I know a lot more now than I did when I was Ovi's age, but I was wondering, it still feels hard sometimes. So like, what does it get easier? Like, what? It's a good question. I think it gets easier in the sense of, I don't spend too much time anymore with people that aren't, that I can tell quicker,

or you spend two years in relationships that clearly were not right for me or I'd even spend three months. But now I know in a date, in three dates, it's like there's less to figure out because you kind of get someone right away. I'm like, oh, this is your issue. It's also my job. I'm like, oh, this is, this is going to be a problem. This is not something I can actually deal with in a relationship. I need someone who's truthful. I need somebody who's honest. I need somebody who has good values around their, their friends or families. They've healthy relationships in their life. Like I remember when I was 30, I dated a guy who had no friends, zero friends. He had just gone through a divorce. He got married young, and all of a sudden,

my life became his life. And I kind of liked that he was available around. He was very intoxicating in some ways because he was just super fun. And we went to a lot of great live shows and we did fun drugs together and just travel. He was just, he was a fun guy, but if I look at it now, it's like, no,

if you have no friends and no healthy relationships and you can't sustain them and you have all these other things that would have dated him for five months, which I think I did at the time. You know what I mean? That stuff. And he's still the guy that my best friends refer to. Remember that guy? I'll calm John. Remember John?

Remember him? Like he's that weirdo I dated that my friends were just like, wow, because I didn't see it. And I think now you just see it. But there's certain things that aren't easier. Like there's still things that go wrong that I don't want to see right away, or I want, it just feels really good. And I just sort of push aside that the guy was, which I haven't even talked about, the guy was dating at the beginning of this situation, this COVID thing.

Didn't live in the country. He was supposed to stay in the country for a while, but because of COVID, he had to leave it. It was more of like a love bomb situation when I look at it. He was so into me as the perfect woman. Nothing made sense in the relationship. Our lifestyles, where we lived,

the age difference, all the things, but it felt so good to be adored and to be someone who was into me and to be connected away. But in looking at it, then I realized after it went past, I, like, oh, this is his pattern. He's told me that this happened. Women just start dating them and they become like upset. They really like me and then I don't know what happens.

It's like, because you told me you wrote me these long, beautiful emails about how special I was. That's why you know what I mean. And then it's like, oh, this isn't reality. So there was all these signs of when somebody comes on so strong and they just say all these things that you kind of are like, I can't believe this is happening. This is really, we barely know each other. It's a narcissistic move where if I can make somebody feel so good about themselves and not that they don't genuinely feel it in that moment. And that's going to reflect back to me because they're going to feel so good that it's something that,

you know, they're going to show me how great I am because I've made them feel in this elevated way that I actually want to feel as the love-bound one, our cyst. So if I can put it back on you, which to me felt, this is moving kind of fast. Classic, anyway, that's what happened. This is from Natalie 31 in Texas. Love your show. I've been sharing with my friends because I find your episodes on the podcast great and full of relatable information.

I want to ask you for advice. I've always been a very sexual person, developed fantasies in my head about someone I'm either interested in or someone I'm seeing. I mean, the process of a divorce or sex life was mediocre. There was really no emotional connection, which is why I wanted out. I should have accepted this sooner, but here I am. He'd also withhold sex and intimacy from me as a control factor.

He didn't have a sex drive at all. I'm the type of person who needs physical touch, cuddling or sexual play, and I find myself thinking about sex and passionate intimacy all the time. I have a very high sex drive with simple needs. I've been like this my whole life. How can I sidetrack these thoughts

when they arise all the time? Solo play isn't always working to satisfy that desire and sometimes just temporary. Also, there's a new guy that entered my life and literally just met. I want to breach the sex topic and just run wild with him between the sheets, but I don't want to scare him. I think he's interested sexually. Physical attraction is key. Help.

Any advice to keep this primal feeling tamed. I'm always in heat. I love a woman in heat. I love anyone in heat. Listen, if you always want sex all the time and you're single and dating, embrace this part of yourself. And to answer your question, I don't know what you're looking for right now.

If you just got divorced, I would suggest taking time to kind of figure out who you are and what you want sexually. It sounds like you have some fantasy, so I think when you know that he's somebody you can trust or you want to just maybe you don't even care about the emotional connection right now. I don't know why you think you would scare him off, but I think if that is a concern you have, I would just, it sounds like you know you're both trapped each other and just say so, how important is sex to you in a relationship?

What are your values around sex? What are your fantasies? I think it's okay to have those conversations without scaring them off. And I also think if you scare somebody off because you talk about sex, they just did you a favor because they're not your person.

Listen, if you scare somebody off by being your authentic sexual self, you're being yourself, you're not hiding who you are and what you're into and you scare them off before you move in together and get married and have children and walk to all those things,

that's a favor. You should say thank you to that person. I am so glad you left when I showed you what I authentically want in bed and what I'm attracted to when I'm into. I wish that more people would scare their partners off by expressing their sexual needs before they get married because then we decide that we have to hide who we are.

We don't express our needs. We're prim and proper. We don't express our needs. We're prim and proper. We don't talk about our sex drive. We don't say we have a fantasy of being passionately romance. Because that is a big fantasy for a lot of women. Just like Natalie, her fantasy is a lot of intimate. I love that. She said that it's mindful, passionate intimacy. She fantasizes about it.

I fantasize about passionate intimacy. I love passion kissing and someone is adoring and I'm, you know, it's just so I just I urge you all to have that conversation. So how could this situation go wrong? If I meet somebody and they escalate it really quickly. Like we haven't even met yet or maybe we met once and there was no sexual talk, but they escalated. They sent me a dick pic. They just get super sexual, and I don't feel safe enough with them, I don't know them yet.

It's assumed that I am into them, and I don't even, I just met them. So I guess premature escalation of sex. Now, I was out with a friend, and she was married for 15 years, and she's now getting divorced, and she's recently dating, and she was married for 15 years and she's now getting divorced and she's recently dating and she's on all the apps and she only wants sex right now and she's made it very clear. She only wants sex. She's not looking for an emotional come and she was in a sexless marriage for 15 years and so she is delighted when it gets sexual right away. She loves getting a dick pic. She's actually the only woman I've ever met

who loves getting dick pics. The only one who's like, oh yeah, I mean, I'm only sleeping with them. Why not send a dick pic? And then I send him my pic. What I'm saying is we're all different. And so I think we all get to set our sexual parameter of what is violating our standards

and what feels really hot. So I believe that to go back to Natalie's question, that you know what you're into. So I think it's okay to express that and see how they handle it. You'd love to give it all at once. Yeah, Ovi? I think that also part of her question, which is interesting to me, is that she has all this past trauma with her partner about withholding sex. So I think that she's kind of projecting that wanting and like needing sex, there's something wrong with that. So I

think that she's like really afraid of telling her partner that she's interested in him because she doesn't want to get rejected. Yeah, no, that's a good point too. She's developed a new behavioral pattern in response to sex as a result of being in a marriage where her partner was using sex as a weapon and her partner was withholding sex. So not only is she reacting to that, she's like, I am free and I want to have sex and I want to be out there. You know, we often sometimes tend to heal our past relationships and our current relationships. So whatever we weren't getting, we want that times 10.

So that is part of it. That she might be like this pendulum swinging where she had no sex and how she's like, I wanted all the time. But then also she could be nervous in this new relationship too because she doesn't have examples of being in a healthy sexual relationship of somebody maybe not withholding. So she's wary that when she lets this guy know that she wants sex that he's gonna be like, no, you can't have it. She has like an unrealistic but kind of like a fear that's been instilled like unnaturally. So how would you suggest that you should like break out of that? I mean, I think that it's just by practice and monitoring that I think that actually probably just with this partner practicing, listen, when you're going through divorce and you just

start dating again, I don't think that she should just jump to the first person and commit again, but I think that it's great practice is also why I love dating. She could practice setting boundaries with him. She could practice saying, this is what I'm into, and then listening to his response, and learning, this is what is actually healthy part of her, or someone who's healthy responds. Or maybe he'd this guy does something else that's weird, and that's not good either.

She can keep looking for her ideal scenario, endating and being honest and vulnerable from the jump, which I think so many of us show up with our representative of what we think is our best self and we hide that until it gets, we get to know someone better and then we're like, here's all my craziness or here's what I want.

And I think the sooner we show people who we really are, the more we can authentically commit to somebody, it's more of an authentic relationship because if you're not bringing who you are, then they're not really committing to the real you if you get into a relationship. They're committing to somebody who's a version of yourself. And then that creates so many problems because you know that this person loves you

and you're not fully showing them who you are. So in your mind, they're going, yeah, they think I'm really neat because I clean up every time they come over but I'm really not a neat person. That's just one example. I'm pretending that I don't have any needs in the bedroom. And I really do.

This is what happens. I'm too afraid to show my authentic self because I'm afraid of being judged and this person leaving me. But the irony is, when we hold onto that person for too long, we don't feel confident because we know we're not, and then our partner doesn't really know it, and then that becomes a problem later on, and we actually don't even respect our partner sometimes for loving us, because we think,

well, you don't really know the real me. So let's just all be honest and authentic and real, huh? How about that? Well, that's it for today's episode. I'll see you on Friday. And thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review. And tell all your friends, your partners,

your lovers about the show. If it's helped you, I promise it'll help them too. We really show on Tuesdays and Fridays, and look out for a bonus episode every now and then. You can also find me on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all sex with Emily. Oh, and I give really good newsletter. Sign up at sexwithemla.com. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, your dating life, relationships, message man Instagram or call in to my serious XM show Monday through Friday,

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