Sex With Emily - Live an Orgasmic Life w/ Afrosexology

Episode Date: April 3, 2021

What if the euphoric bliss from an orgasm was captured in other moments of your daily life? Whether you’re eating a meal or spending time outside, prioritizing sensuality helps you start to experience what today’s guests like to call “orgasmic living.” I’m joined by the creators of Afrosexology, Dalychia Saah and Rafaella Fiallo who join me to discuss the power of this life-changing concept. Their mission is to empower, educate and explore Black sexuality and self-improvement through sexual liberation.We discuss their journey into creating Afrosexology, the importance of embodiment, the power of centering pleasure and being intentional in the present moment. We also demystify different aspects of kink, polyamory, and compersion, so that you can see if any of these are things you’d want to add to your sex life. Plus, we answer your questions about prioritizing your pleasure as much as your partner’s and feeling more connected during and after sexual experiences.For more information about Dalychia Saah & Rafaella Fiallo , visit: afrosexology.comFor even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I live by this practice that I call orgasmic living where I really try to guess many things in my life as close to the feelings that orgasms give me. And I'm talking like my friendship, the food that I eat, the books that I read, the work that I do. You know, how can I build a life that really allows me to just be my fullest self? Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Betrubize they call them in a fight on days. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. What if you could walk through life in an orgasmic state? You know, while you're eating a delicious meal or spending time outside, well, today my guests teach people how to prioritize their sensuality so they can live a more orgasmic life.

I'm joined by the creators of Afro-Sexology, D'Lischa Sa and Raphaela Fialo, who join me to discuss the power of this life-changing concept. Their mission is to empower, educate, and explore black sexuality and self-improvement through sexual liberation. We discuss the importance of embodiment, centering on pleasure, and being intentional with our choices. We also demystify different aspects of kink and polyamory. Plus, we answer your questions about prioritizing your pleasure as much as your partners and how to feel more connected during sex.

Intentions with Emily. For each episode, join me in setting an intention. as much as your partners and how to feel more connected during sex. Intentions with Emily. For each episode, join me in setting an intention. I do it when you do it. It helps you really walk away from this episode having learned something that you can put into action. My intention was to give you different ways to look at pleasure so you can make it even easier to prioritize it on a daily basis.

I have an announcement. I'm very excited because I am doing a live virtual podcast on April 15th at six o'clock Pacific Unlooped. You're all invited. I cannot wait. It's going to be a blast. We're all gonna be together and I can answer your live questions during the show.

So we're going to have the audience. There's a chance to interact. You can also be anonymous. That's cool. You don't have to have your video on. I'll even pull up some of you to ask questions live. There'll be polls. You can help me figure out what to talk about next. So it's $10 to view the live podcast experience or you can pay a hundred and get a live one-on-one meet and greet with me. I'll answer your questions, you get a little video you can keep. So find more information and go to looptlive.com. That's L-O-O-P-E-D live.com. And just go to upcoming experiences and scroll down. Alright, everybody, enjoy the show.

Welcome to the show, DileLisha and Raphaela. Thank you. Thank you for having us Emily. Thank you for being here. I'm super honored to have you both here. I know you're really busy. So I want to know all I mean I'll be going deep into Afro-Sexology and I'm so impressed by the work that you two have created and I just want to know about your journey to meet each other and starting the whole Afro-Sexology community. Felicia. Yeah, so Raphael and I met at grad school. We were both in a social work program.

We had no classes together, but we both knew that we were interested in sexuality. And so post-graduation. Raphael was like, let's do something. Let's think about something. What could we do? Literally, all day every like, let's do something, let's think about something, what could we do? Literally, all day, we sat down together and then three weeks later, we birthed those exologies and kind of hit the ground money ever since.

And it feels like, honestly, like, sacred work to hold a space where people can talk about these really intimate topics in a way that feels shame-creet, that feel pleasurable, that feel like really encouraging, and love it all the time. Yeah, I love that you're doing in person too, because I think so much of this work is sex talk, right?

And that can only get you so far, but a lot of what you do is embodiment, really getting people to drop into their bodies and holding that space to Raphaela. Maybe you could tell me, I know that your mission is to educate, explore, and reclaim black sexuality. So, for each of you personally, I mean, you could explain about reclaiming your body, sexually. What that actually means. I think the biggest thing is we include with our bodies first, right? Because as you mentioned, we can get really, really heady, right? We can learn a lot, we can listen to a lot of things, but doing the work means being in tune with what happens

when something comes up in our body. So there's so many messages that we have to filter through, that we have to challenge, that we have to reframe, redefine, reclaim all these different things. But first, like, what does it feel like when I go online, and I'm looking for sex education, but I don't see my body represented, I don't see my sexuality represented, I don't see my identity represent like what comes up when I'm like looking for this information I can't find it.

And then how can I use the messages or the feelings that are coming up in my body to kind of direct maybe finding different sources and different people in different communities that are more affirming and liberating. And so for me, the reclaim piece has truly been like the essence of our work because, again, that was the crux in which Deletion and I was like, we have to do this work because these were our experiences with misinformation or education

and how do we really wanna be imaginative and really mean into our desires and our needs and our wants when we're talking about our sexualities, our relationships, and our sexual self to envision what that's going to look like. So all of that is bodywork. You can think it, but you also have to be good at feeling it and being vulnerable to feeling because we push down so many feelings already. so being open to just literally opening up to just play with imagination, say, okay, well, what would it feel like if I could walk into a space where whatever the hell that I want to holding hands, kissing, and then just

let that wave fill your body. And then I think that's the first step is just trying to find that piece are comfort in knowing within our bodies. I love that. Right, I know. Like, let me take a moment here and feel that it is so true being in your body, being embodied. It seems like it should be the most obvious thing in the world or we should just intuitively do it. But what we need to do is we do is we're press, suppress. Okay, so Delisha, let's say I went to one of your workshops, right?

I want to know how do I actually get in touch with my body. Ooh. Yeah, so one of our favorite practices I would like to talk to people about is like sensual living and so tapping into the senses you have access to, and really thinking about what does that mean throughout your day?

So what are the textures you want on your body or near you? What are the sense you want to smell about the day? What foods do you want to be tasting and having in your mouth? What sites do you want to be tasting and having in your mouth? What sites do you want to see the colors? And really thinking about what does it mean for our body to be engaged and aroused, stimulated all throughout the day. So many people navigate the whole day, turn it off.

They wake up and they're ready to go back to bed. They're like, they're rolling out of bed. And they're just like, I don't want to go to the meeting. They're eating food that they don't really like, but they've been told they're supposed to eat. And they're just like, I don't want to go to the meeting. They're eating food that they don't really like, but they've been told they're supposed to eat and they're just like, cut off. They're not listening. And so how do we start feeding and honoring our body all the time to where we can really feel that connection to like, oh, my body feels good.

Like, they're showing foods when I eat and I just start dancing. Like, just naturally start dancing. Because my tummy is like, this is really good. And there's music that I love that when I'm just like looking to I can't help the smile and to move. There's like, haftisist for me like I love lighting candles. I love the sound of jasmine like being intentional about surrounding myself with that so that my my entire body knows I'm listening to it and then also thinking about how do you on a very basic level on your needs like how do you drink we need to drink drink. How do you pee? We need to pee.

How do you take a nap? We need to take a nap. So many of us are like in these Zoom meetings, or even in regular meetings, just like holding our pee and not getting up, because we don't want to get up, not taking a nap because we have to answer this email. And like work in life has just become one

and we're not actually creating boundaries and owning our own needs. And we expect other people to meet our needs on our values when we don't do that for ourselves. So how do we begin to say like, my body, my boundaries, my needs right now is to like close my computer, put it in my phone, go watch some cartoons. And like, that's what I'm going to do.

And it feels so, it feels so simple. It's so simple. But many of us were like in elementary school, we had to ask permission to go pee. You know what I mean? So we train our bodies to push past our boundaries to ignore our desires. And we have been conditioned to do that. And so how do you get back to a place of like listening, honoring, and really like acknowledging

what your body is asking you for? Yeah. That's how you do it. If you are super aware of your environment and of all the senses, like I was coming light my candle at the beginning of the day when I remember and I'm not too busy And I try to have food here that I like and that's part of what we're saying in your workshop for example of becoming more embodied Grafiella your business is all about your your your movement. I would say it's a movement Do you as clasers of movement right is about pleasure and my Centering pleasure definitely on black bodies black women right, is about pleasure and about centering pleasure definitely on black

bodies, black women's sexuality, but also pleasure, which is such a, I love that we talk about pleasure because then you talk a little bit about just being a pleasure activist and what what that means and prioritizing pleasure. I think what I would start off with saying is that you deserve pleasure. As loud as I could if I could put it everywhere in every shared billboard, TV commercial, whatever the case is, because so many people, like so many of us, not only think that we should have pleasure, but also we question our worth in terms of like if we deserve pleasure.

How much work we're supposed to do before we think we've earned it? And so I think a lot of our conversations just really very loudly and clearly telling people that there's nothing else that you need to do in the way that you exist before you can do something that feels good to you, be in a relationship that is affirming or leave relationships that do not feel good to you. And I think based on just maybe religion, family, cultural society, just these different norms and messages, we do learn that we have to put in the work and the hours and the money and all these other resources before we can finally rest.

But unfortunately in this country, there is no resting. So after you do all of that, then you're just like barely able to walk, you know, you may have to be dependent on someone. And so it's just like set up for us to fail so we never get that. So that way we are really disconnected from our bodies and from our power too. So we talk a lot about pleasure being linked to our feelings of being empowered. And that's just because the more in tune you are with yourself and with your body and your needs. And you can request that from other people, but most importantly, you can meet that need yourself.

And that I think terrifies a lot of people. And so we sometimes find ourselves trying to discredit the need of pleasure from other people or withhold it because it is powerful. And so in this system that we're used to power being used in a very, very oppressive, intentionally oppressive way, we want people to be disempowered. And I think when we start with the body and we start with pleasure, that's how we began to enter our way back into that knowing. Pleasure is power. And we use it so conditionally. We give it to ourselves so conditionally,

right? Oh, once I do all the work or why I don't deserve it so conditionally, we give it to ourselves so conditionally, right? Oh, once I do all the work or why, I don't deserve it yet, I don't deserve it. Or we give it away, right? Like sometimes it's really easy for us to not only give away our power, but really be centered on how we can please other people. So we talk about people being people, pleaseers.

But even specifically, maybe in sexuality and relationships, where taught, like, there are very specific things and we have to show up in relationship in order to keep that relationship. And so that just looks like whatever they say, whatever they want, I'm supposed to do that, especially if we're looking in a very gendered, cis head and hermative lens.

There's very strict roles on how it's supposed to exist. And I think a lot of that boils down to feeling disempowered as well. Yeah. There are already tangible ways that you can explain the work you've done, how it's changed your relationship to your own sexuality and how you move through life. I can maybe how you looked before you created that for sexology and after delisha.

Everything. Everything. I think one of the simplest ways I can say it is that like I I have learned by being immersed in a sex positive community that if you want something asked for it and there is someone who can meet your need. I think I was just so used to thinking that like no one's gonna make your need. Everything's gonna be a fight. And so you just get used to not asking for what you want. And I know that for me, I mean it is transformed my whole life.

I live by this practice that I call orgasmic living where I really try to guess many things in my life as close to the feelings that orgasms give me. And I'm talking like my friendships, like I went to this period, I was like, which one of my friends leave me feeling energized and full and affirmed and happy and which ones leave me feeling exhausted and like feeling little and feeling

shamed. And then like the food that I eat, the books that I read, the the work that I do, you know, how can I build a life that really allows me to just be my fullest self, right? And and that felt so powerful to know that like I can't assert boundaries and say like, this is not how I'm going to allow other people to treat me. But first, I had to stop treating myself that way, right? Like, my own inner, negative self-talk, which was very shame-based, which was very like belittling and very highly critical, made it possible for other people to treat me that

way and for me to not think that that was wrong or abnormal. And so like, as I like got more in tune with my so as I got more in tune with my body, and I got more in tune with my body doesn't like this, my body does like this. It really impacted how I navigate experiences, how I show up in relationships, how I have just really moved my life towards the things, the people, the practices, the spaces

where I can be my fullest self. And I find that I'm no longer moving through spaces where I feel like I have to cut off this part of myself and I really feel like growing up I I learned a lot because of like oppression and racism and sexism that I had that parts of myself were not going to be accepted so it's like well you have to tone down yourself here and you have to like hide this part of you because it's going to be weird so there was this dismembering of my body that I was doing just like cut this off cut this off and sexuality and all of this work has really been like a

remembering, like bringing back myself to where now I'm fully in spaces where I just am like, this is me, this is why I am this is how I show up. I did some so grateful to be in a community that has been like shame free and it's been really affirming and supportive. I have learned so much like skills, like skills, like the polyamory community, communication skills, how it's like moving through jealousy, moving through feelings, the king community, negotiation skills, consent skills,

how to like ask me what you want. Like so many of this community has been like, just I hope in you on things that I, I did it even though you could ask for that there was another way of going about these concepts and this like way of life So I I love I love being in the sex space. It is amazing sex workers have taught me to not fear my erotic energy It is it is good It's amazing. You've been through I mean I know you grew up in a religious home, right?

And also in a polyamorous relationship is So you've kind of overcome a lot. Yeah. Let me ask you about that, because I talk about it all the time on the show, and I go, you do. You could be like, I could never be polyamorous. It would be awful if my partner ever sleeps with someone else, or I'd be so jealous. And that is true.

It's not for everybody. But I think that some people can't believe that people could actually be in a relationship where they have the compulsion, and they actually aren't happy for their partners or having pleasure. Yeah, so compulsion is definitely a charm that I am like, I am so grateful that people experience that and I'm so grateful to know that that emotion and feeling exists and I'm not fully like there. What did I think of Spine?

I think we get this like one narrative of like if you're going to be polyam, all these things have to happen. I think what I have learned the most is like how to break down these ideas that like one person has to meet all your needs or that if they can't meet your needs, you have to go without that you can't really communicate and ask for what you want. This idea that you own your partner and they own you, so this extensive ownership, they're like learning to not feel threatened, right? Learning to feel more secure and who I am, whatever into the table, why I'm in a relationship with someone, why my partner is here, what they bring, you know, and to not feel easily threatened. And that has translated from like, threatened by other partners, threatened by career moves. Right? I used to be in like a relationship when I was younger where my partner was, this is like

high school. But my partner was like, I don't want you to college out of state because that's too far, right? And to be in a relationship where it's like, no, take this career move. If that means you're going to be gone for three months, like I want you to grow, right? So to be in a space where someone wants you to fully grow, even if that means that it's not being with them. You know, that team is really beautiful. It feels really freeing. And just learning that jealousy, like every other emotion is an emotion that we can learn to work through and to process. And we just, this culture,

it's the American culture, just not really good with feelings, like any feelings. And so we just learned that like expressing anger is on appropriate, crying, it's on appropriate, being jealous is on appropriate. Or if you are going to be angry, it's like super wild and erratic. If you are going to be angry, it's like

super wild and erratic. If you are going to be jealous, you're slashing tires. If you are going to be sad, you cannot stop crying. We don't learn how to help we move through these emotions. And so I think being in a polyam community has really helped me to think about these emotions from a place of like knowledge, to see our bodies as giving us signs that like anger needs my boundary has been crossed. That sadness is a representation of like a place where I've been hurt and that I am tender and serious but that jealousy is highlighted for me a lot of sources of insecurities that I was like oh like I feel threatened and I feel insecure about this and to see that as a place for me to like learn and grow to be curious. So just be curious about my body, the emotions, the desires, the sensation of all of that.

I think is a much more healing perspective than just repressing and ignoring and denying and dismissing. Yeah. Doing the work. Okay, so Raphael, how about you being in this field? How is it? I mean, honestly, I just have to give a big co-science, everything that deletion said, because it is such a rewarding space to be in, to be held in, and to create with

other folks. And I feel, I mean, I'm not in a lot of different communities to be able to speak in terms of, you know, like I'm a therapist, I'm a sex educator, you know, but in itself, it pulls a lot of people to the field who may already feel like they don't belong or they can't find a community. So because of that, you get a lot of great exposure and have really deep conversations with folks from different lifestyles and backgrounds and goals. And so that in itself has just been so affirming to be able to learn from so many people. When we come back, we're going to get into how to shift your mindset

from denying yourself joy to embracing all the pleasure you could possibly want. Is there anything that you feel that comes up in your work of teaching women that you've seen them transform in this? Maybe there's a comment like, okay, she's going through this. Here's the moment where this layer is coming off. Two things to stick out for me that's common is one is, wow, I never thought about that. I never connected that before.

And two, wow, it's not just me. Nothing is wrong with me. You know, I've found a place that can affirm and also give me more education, education that is sex positive, that is consent based, you know, that is just really meeting me where I am and leaving me with some tools and other resources. So those are the two things that I think we hear all the time. If it's a workshop, if it's even on a post on social media, right? So we have people having conversations or just commenting and being very open and vulnerable and transparent about the experiences or what they're struggling with. And so yeah, those two things stick out to me the most. It's just,

wow, I feel so alarmed. Yeah, that's why this work is amazing. So tell me about finding your erotic voice. How would you define that? What would get experience be like? Alicia? Yeah, so we take that term from Audrey Lorde, her essay uses of their erotic, super like foundational for me, my life, my work. And so your erotic voice, I mean, a lot of us,

I know we have a therapist in the memorial, but a lot of us have like voices going have a therapist in the room of you, but a lot of us have voices going on within us. We have this critical voice that is often sounding parents or teachers or people who have been highly critical of us. And our robotic voice is the voice within us that is pointing us towards the things that we desire. And it's a voice that is like, yes, I want this, I want more of this. And we've been just taught to quiet and annoy that voice. I think about being a child and being in the store and wanting to run my hand on everything.

And you're immediately by your parents, it's like, hand is like kind of slapped and moving, it's like, don't do that. If you break something, you're going to, I have to pay for it. And so I think we moved through our lives slapping our ironic voice. I want to cook you. And they were like, no, we can't have that. That's not pay for it. And so I think we moved through our lives like slapping our ironic voice. Like, I want to cook you. And they were like, no, we can't have that. That's not healthy for us. I want to ask this person for this tinky thing, no, you can't do that because then they're

going to judge you. And we end up doing that to where our ironic voice gets really quiet. And it's like, you're not listening to me anyway. And so as we begin to start doing those practices like sensual living or just like arning your body, your ironic voice gets like really loud. And it can counter this like highly critical voice that a lot of us have in our head and navigate with and that is okay to have wants, it's okay to have needs, it's okay to ask for what you want, it's okay to honor it.

We usually tell people like make a list of things that you like doing, right, and then make a day and a time to do it. And so often we're like, we don't make time for ourselves. We have so much of going on. We never have the time. But what I have loved and hated is like my app, my phone, being like, you have spent four hours today on social media. And I'm just like, oh, so I have the time.

I have the time. I'm just not using it for myself. All right? Or you spend this much time on email. And so being able to say, like, okay, I used to really love bike riding. I'm going to spend some time going bike riding. I used to really love puzzles. I'm going to spend some time on email. And so being able to say like, okay, I used to really love bike riding. I'm gonna spend some time going bike riding. I used to really love puzzles.

I'm gonna spend some time doing puzzles. I love masturbating. I'm gonna spend some time masturbating. And being able to like create the time to do things for yourself that you enjoy doing more of, like say yes to yourself more. We're in a world full of nose. Say yes, do the things that you enjoy

that bring you pleasure. Love that. So, Raphaela, how would you say that? How do you make time for pleasure in your life? But I know about making the calendars and putting posted notes and scheduling it. How have you found to make time? Is there any creative ways that you have or that you teach people to take this seriously? Commit? Yes, definitely. Besides being intentional about scheduling it for the day or the future, something that's been really helpful for me and something that I'd recommend it for folks is how do you find pleasure in the moment that you're in when it comes to mind, right? So you look up and you're like, oh, it's three, three, I need some pleasure.

In that moment, how can you explore your senses in the moment, the ones that feel the most accessible, but also that give you the most pleasure, and then do something with it in the moment, right? So even if it's finding pleasure and taking a deep breath, if it is being able to just, this is what I find myself doing all the time is rubbing my neck. So rubbing my neck in my shoulders, or if I have a nice snack or something to drink, like how in that moment can I just savor that time with myself and with that pleasurable thing without feeling like, oh,

well, I said that I wasn't going to do something until Friday at five. So I have to wait until Friday at five. Like in that moment, what can you do to just be intentional with soaking it in the way that it exists? And I think if we can do that, that helps with mindfulness and being present in our bodies and our surroundings. But also, it's just like, I can do the thing. Like, I have the power, I have it within my control

to stop and find pleasure right now, wherever I am, as opposed to feeling like it has to come from any specific activity or thing. Right. Or as a reward, because we've done something. So now I get bored, right. Because I said Friday, so it's like the end of the week. And I think that's also important because so often when we,

when people are getting into eroticism, or learning about the erotic, it is typically centered around sex and sexuality. And they think about erotic, pornography, all these other things. So I think making sure that we are expansive in our definition to help it be more inclusive to people who may not have interest in being sexual in any type of way

with themselves or with other people. So making sure it doesn't feel like something that's not attainable because I don't identify as having sexual attraction or being sexually aroused or whatever the case is. You still have the right to be erotic in whatever way you desire. Yeah, you could still have pleasure.

And if you don't want sex, we didn't so so narrowly define to think it's just about sex. And who know, maybe the more you bring that into your life, you might find yourself feeling more in your body and then desiring sex. I want to guarantee, but what is a guarantee? But could all sort of find some senses, I think that that make us feel good. How would you feel about helping me answer some questions from my listeners? I love having other sex educators on the show. This is from Rose27 in the USA.

My first sexual encounter happened at a very young age because I didn't get anything out of the experience other than the notion that I made someone happy. I've carried that with me into my adult sex life. I get it in my head that I'm someone happy. I've carried that with me into my adult sex life. I get it in my head that I'm only there for the pleasure of my partner, Phil Schaiman guilt that I can't always give them my sexual satisfaction. I don't know how to stop the intrusive thoughts during intimacy.

Master babe. Master babe, right? That's a dance. Master babe. So sex is our favorite thing to talk about because so many of us, especially those of us who are socialized as women, have been taught that our whole idea about sex and pleasure is for the other person, it's for the partner.

And so, we spend so much time, even when people are getting ready for a day, getting ready for sex, they spend so much time getting ready for someone else. They'll do all the things, get in the mood, sexy lingerie, all the stuff for someone else. And then when it comes to making love to themselves or sex to themselves or fucking themselves, they're like, okay, whatever, quick thing, or they don't want to do it. And we find, I mean, masturbation is the thing we talk about the most. And it is the thing that people have so much shame about, so much shame about that they do not do, that they feel like it is lesser form of sex,

they feel like it means that they are desperate, they feel like they're sinning, they feel all of these things. And so learning how to really be in a sexual relationship with yourself, which is your most important sexual relationship is the one with yourself. So learning to be in that,

learning how to what your body needs, what your desires are, how do you tune into your body? And this is like the senses again, we love the senses. But like, as you're masturbating, like, what do you smell, what do you feel, what sensations are happening in your body, your body is allowing you to experience so much pleasure.

And we get caught up in our head, thinking about the experience, rather than feeling the experience. Without the goal of orgasm, without the goal of only touching your genitals, pleasure map your whole body. What feels good, play with the feather around your ear, really helps you to learn how to connect your body, learn what your body wants, and learn how to like, if you do want to move that into a partner sex, how to communicate that to somebody else so that they are also pleasing you and intentional

about your pleasure. And sub-havingisects of people who don't care about your body and your pleasure. I think like it feels like really hard. It's a similar thing is like, well, if I don't ask somebody to meet my needs, they don't have to be disappointed when I recognize that they cannot meet it. Right, a lot of time we'll settle for sex with somebody who doesn't care about our pleasure,

doesn't care about our body, because we don't want to deal with the repercussions of having to separate from people who don't. about it pleasure, doesn't care about our body, because we don't want to deal with the repercussions of having to separate from people who don't, and then being able to have conversations, people don't talk about sex. They just don't talk. They just like assume everyone likes the same thing. We all know what we're doing,

and though we'll just like sit there, fake orgasms, be quiet, be in our head, planning our dinner list, while we're having sex instead of learning to be like, I don't like this. Like, I like you. Can you do this? I like when you touch me, when I like when you touch me like this, can you do more of that? Can you stay here a bit longer? I need it to be a bit softer. I'm not fully ready to be penetrated because I'm not a rouse. I would like more a ton here. Can you play with my nipples? Like learning to communicate before sex, during sex, after sex, and the only way you're going to be able to communicate before sex, during sex after sex, and the only way

you're going to be able to communicate about that is if you take the time to learn your body for yourself. Yes. Yes. Only thing I just want to restate, and Delisha talked about it earlier, getting familiar, being consistent, and in the habit of just listening to your body all the time. So just not only focusing around sexual experiences, but just all of the time,

like what feels good to you? Like where do you want to be? How do you want to take up space? What do you want to eat? What do you want to wear? And just following through with that, building that self-trusts through self-awareness and follow through.

And then that in turn, translate to doing that through reservation, which in turn translates to doing that with the partner. And so like, it's levels to the shit, you know shit. Do that for yourself as well and not just prioritize it when another person is involved. It's funny because when you start practicing, setting these boundaries and paying attention, like, do I really want to eat this for dinner? Do I not? Is this where I want to go on vacation? I don't want to go to this store. That's where I watch this movie, that movie. That's going to help inform you because then you'll

realize, why'd you even actually be speaking up for themselves in every other area about what sex they're like mute? So I think also just having the awareness and if you're not practicing every other area of your life getting what you want but especially in the bedroom. I think this is a good journey here for rose thank you. After the break we'll answer a question from Tori who's been feeling disconnected after sex. I'll be right back. Okay, let's do another question. This is from Tori 24 in California. Hey, I love your pod. I'll get straight to it. I've been having sex since I was 20 and 24 now. I've subbed around a lot, not shameful of that at all, but I've left feeling really disconnected after sex, not immediately after, usually the

next day. I recently slept with a new guy I'm talking to, sex was amazing, but the next day I felt low. I've had past trauma from being sexually assaulted and wondering if sex is triggering a fight or flight. I'm left feeling resentful towards a person I was with and he did nothing wrong. I just feel detached. Do you have any advice on how to get over this hump?

Thank you. So, this associated, disconnected, some trauma. I know you both have talked a lot about this work. So, what do we tell Tori here? So, this is common for folks who have this experience, for a variety of reasons. So, some of us linked to trauma. Some of it is linked to having sexual experiences

that we may not have the full vocabulary for in the moment. And then parts of like that body starts to respond, even though the mind is still trying to put everything together. And so I think when we are talking about trauma, so first thing we have to say is that the body keeps up, right? It keeps up with us. It remembers a lot of things. Even if we say or we have done the work in our mind, like cognitive, we say, you know, I know that wasn't my fault. There is no shame in this, you know, this person is

all of them. They're the responsible person. And I've done that work. The body still, and I love that they mentioned the stress response. So fight, fight, freeze, fond, still, and I love that they mentioned the stress response, so fight flight freeze, fawn, fall, all these other things. When we have certain experiences, our body can still say, well, now you're supposed to do this, right? Because this is what the process was way back when this really terrible thing happened to you, right? So even though we are consensually having these experiences, our body may still be reacting after the fact because that is just the pattern, that is just the way that the brain has connected

the act and the messages and the smells and the sounds like all the things that may be around in that time. So I mean, honestly, I think with this one, it can get pretty deep and heavy and so I don't want to just say, you know, dig into your body and listen to, you know, pay attention to your yeses and your nose, which is important. I think it would be really wise to get some additional support to help with understanding those parts, right? So when we look at ourselves as different parts that live within us, that's protecting us, that's trying to heal us, that's trying to shield us, you know, it takes a lot of intentional work and sometimes with a trained therapist to

help kind of dig in out a little bit and say, you're trying to protect me from something and I understand that because that's what you were really good for those years ago. But right now, you know, I want a different part to show up. I want the part that's still feeling enthusiastic and really it was amazing and I don't want to ghost this person because I really like them. They didn't, you know, nothing has happened and makes me want to Shield myself from this person like how can I put some space to say? Okay, protect a part step back And now the pleasure part the fun part the kid part like you can come up and hold some space for me right now

I would I would recommend that for you to hurry. I hope that was helpful because I sometimes I'm like people like just you therapist like Okay, I know you're right. I always say that too. I'm like but no really but I say it all the time but you actually need to see a therapist but this is something else I wanted to ask you guys because the work you're doing is the body work and people are with you and they're becoming embodied and they're probably I was wondering what you do for people who are in your workshops and they have a trauma response. How would you help someone who is being triggered? The first thing that's really important to us is just setting this space and like making

sure people are really aware of what they're going to be entering and walking into. And so it's different now because it's online and some of our workshops now are webinar style so we don't even get to really see people But we do make sure that we are engaging in a very central and transparent conversation through our emails before the webinar Webinar starts making sure that people give themselves permission and know that you know, maybe useful to have You know water with you a blanket with you like whatever it is that helps you fill hell in the space and helps you fill grounded. I'm coming really helpful. We also start the workshop with checking in and guiding folks through maybe like a body-based activity, usually deep breathing. And then when we end, we may have like a visualization or a breathing activity or just another way to ground when we're talking about where we want to go

after this workshop. And so those are the most defined things that we do, especially with webinars, not in person. We hold space after the workshop for people to come up to us with any questions or concerns or whatever the case is. And even sometimes in the moment we may recognize, hey, you know what, we've been sitting for a while. We've been talking about a really heavy topic. So we're going to take a break now to do something to fill grounded in our body. So, just trying to recognize just the different ways that all of those things may show up, how we're continuously giving folks permission to take care of themselves, because again, we're taught to just sit through it, and then you handle it later.

Another question I have to you about trauma, because I'm always recommending, and I've done it myself, is EMDR therapy. I I movement desensitization reprocessing. What kind of trauma therapy do you recommend or do you practice? So EMDR as well. Oh, okay. Yes. You know, you kind of try to find your footing, right? So I've dibbled, dabbled into different things to learn about like IFS internal family systems. I really love EMDR different things to learn about like IFS internal family systems. I really love EMDR because it's body based.

And honestly, when I learned about it, I was like, oh, I've been doing this just without the bilateral simulation. So I'm just really big into filling grounded and exploring like, what is coming up? And that's just from my own work. So I'm also a survivor of different traumas as well. And I realize going through the process like, oh,

people are like, what does that feel like? I'm like, oh, I think this. I'm like, no, that's a thought, boo. Okay, I see. What does it feel like? And I'm used to just completely avoid that and just completely bypass feelings and being in my body. So that work has been really instrumental in me getting more clear. And it's it's a work in progress every day. So I want people to know that there is no like one day going to get to the top of the hill. And you're going to be like, oh, my shoulders are not in my ears. My chest is not tight. You may be at the top of the hill. Like, oh wait, I still need to breathe. I still need to check in with my nervous system in my body. And I realized that I just got away from your question. So you probably vaguely theory. No, it's true though. No, but everything you're saying, it all flows because there's so many things there.

Because I was thinking about also people probably have these expectations. So they say to me, go, every time you have sex, it must be amazing. And you must be like, no, sometimes I just want to like hang out or like, we see like if I'm making it, you know, from which a chef's house, like sometimes they might just want to microwave me a dinner. Like that would be okay. And I just think being on this path too is as sex educators. And we realize it's a path, right?

It's not a perfect, it's not like this direct route to, we're always on your healthy and well. And you release all your trauma. It's just about changing your relationship, right? To leash all your, and especially in, we live in a society that's constantly traumatizing us. So when we're talking about healing from trauma,

like I've even started to interrogate,, what does it mean to be like, why am I using this word healed? Right? When something can happen tomorrow or something just happened today on the news and my community, that is absolutely triggered me, right? Or has harmed me. And so I think, not in a way where it's just like, oh, well, then it's a lost cause. Like, no, that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that we just have to be really intentional about our pleasure practices, the way that we take up space, our community, and the people we allow around us, or even the media that we that we take in, because our system is created that way to harm a lot of

folks and to put to marginalize people, right? To push people to and beyond and other side of the margin. And so sometimes I do get that question as a trauma therapist. It's like, well, what do you, you know, how do you, how does this finally get done with trauma? I'm just like, when we stop living in the pres� society like, but until then, until then, the one thing that really rocked my world was thinking about an understanding trauma from a disability justice perspective. So there's a book called CareWorks and there's an essay in there that is amazing

that it's like challenging the idea of survivorship performance. And so somebody who is disabled will say that often people want your disability to be fixed and they don't see that your disability is a part of you. Just like being black as a part of me and being a woman as a part of me, I don't want that to go away. It's like, no, this is a part of me. This is a part of me and this binary of healed or traumatized actually leads to people feeling really, just like it's really

damaging because people feel like, man, it's been 20 years. Why am I, my body's still being triggered? Why am I not yet performing, being healed fully when I've seen these gurus who are like, this thing happened to me and no more am I being triggered? I'm no more experiencing trauma and how that can lead to a lot of survivors actually feeling like they are failing at healing, right?

That like there's this goal instead of being like, no, this is a part of me. So triggering hasn't often happened in Afro-Sexology spaces, but I am a professor and that happens often in my classes. And so one thing that I work with my students on and then I'm super grateful that the trauma world started talking about this is glimmers.

And so you have triggers, you have glimmers with triggers are the things that make you feel unsafe that taking your body, which I've had to, my students overuse the word trigger. And I'm just like, you're not triggered. You're uncomfortable. Oh, like we need to distinguish those things. And so I'm like, being uncomfortable is not dangerous.

Being triggered is, it is your body being put back in a space where you are, where your body feels unsafe. Right? And so in those moments, glimmers are things that you can have near you that can help make you feel safe again. So for me, it is my bottle of jasmine. I have my jasmine on my desk.

I can smell it and it brings my body back to a place of like the present moment. Because oftentimes, trigger being triggered takes you to the past, right? And so it's like time traveling. Trigger takes to the past anxiety takes you to the future. So like, how do you bring yourself back to the present moment? What makes you feel safe? Is it a blanket? Like, we're feeling the same those things.

And so I think thinking and being equipped with your glimmers and how can you carry that with you? Like, when we were moving around, I would have a kind of ball with peppermint, a kind of ball with jasmine that I could like smell throughout the day because the sense of smell really helps me to feel calm. Thank you both so much.

This is really helpful. I love having you here. And there's so much trauma questions coming in. Even more so than usual. I didn't think it made it a way if people are becoming more, they are overusing the word trigger, but people are at least know what it is now. And they're thinking about it. Thank you. I want to ask you both the five quicky questions we ask all of our guests. Ready? Okay. First we'll start with uh Rafella. What is your biggest turn on?

I have a problem with giving one answer so I just don't want to. So I will say sound. So really just me I'm always listening to music all day long and right now it's me by me touching myself as my biggest turn on. So at little music and some self touch it can be like my neck it doesn't have to be overtly sexual or solo sex and recitation being just self touch just really makes me feel really good in my body. Yeah I am a dreamer this is an an adiny that I'm claiming and loving and so my fantasies are amazing And so I am like I am able to fantasize whatever I want That's my best turn on is just being like I'm gonna have some like dream sex right now Okay, biggest turn off. We'll start with Delisha on this one oppression

But people are like sectors homophobic, able, I'm just like, it's like shut homobody. Raffela. I was gonna say the same thing. A pression is my turn on. Okay, but it makes good sex. Raffela, start personal this one. For me, it's like being able to communicate really and to be able to be able to take up space and have a conversation about it.

If it was good, if it was bad, if it was fun, if it was boring, if it was you fell up the bed, you could laugh about it. So I would say for me, that is the top thing. It just makes it the best. It's being able to know I can safely and vulnerably talk to this person. Felicia, what makes good sex?

I like playfulness. I like people who are playful, who don't take themselves too seriously or don't take themselves too seriously and can urge us open to playing. Felicia, something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships. Master rate. I'm not feeding other people

at that literally they're answering everything. Okay, Rafiella. Oh gosh. I wanna say master rate too, but talk to people. People want to have these conversations so just talk to somebody. Go out there and find it instead of what I was known with all one S.G. and Google and all other stuff. Find out what people want to know, what are their experiences and feel safe to do stuff. So okay, that fifth question, Rafie Rafael, what's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex? That you are fine, that nothing is wrong with you,

that you're not broken, and you will figure things out on the way, and it could change, and that's the fun part, as you start to figure it out again. I love it, the least job. You have access to pleasure and power within you. You don't have to earn it. You don't have to look for it from somebody else. It's some external source to validate you.

It's in you. You got it. Just turn within. I love it. Thank you both. You really have demonstrated that today and your answers that you're really living the work that you're helping so many people with. So thank you for being here.

I appreciate your time. And tell us where people can find you and your upcoming workshops. We are Ethel's Exology Everywhere. Just start this hype in Ethel's Exology. And it will come up atethel'sexology.com. And right now, we are going into our next set of webinars, which is all about just certain sexy skills

that you can have. And so just keep up with us on our newsletter, on our Instagram, and on our Facebook, all our social media to find out what's gonna be happening in May and June. We always have like merch as we see Alicia has on our list of fashion more organisms top. And we've got the workbook that's all about masturbation.

It's all about celo sex, so anything resonated with you, or or you're like, I want more about that or wow, never even thought of masturbation as solosex, check it out. Cool, thank you. Yeah, I love your site, everyone should follow them on social media, check out their courses and your website and you're doing such incredible work and I so appreciate your time today. Thank you so much. Thank you, Emily, this is fun.

That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this episode, they will too. Find me at Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all at sex with Emily. If you'd like to ask me a question about sex or dating relationships, email me.

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