Sex With Emily - Live, Laugh, Stop Being Codependent w/ Adam Ferrara

Episode Date: August 13, 2022

Gotta love relationship advice delivered in a thick New York accent. I’ve got Adam Ferrara on the show today, and we’re healing your emotional triggers so you can have thriving interpersonal connections. Capiche? Adam and I talk meditation and breathwork for anxiety, the difference between responding and reacting to your partner, how to cultivate a felt sense of your emotions, and the difference between worry and responsibility. As a self-described co-dependent, Catholic Italian, Adam is as real as it gets about getting vulnerable and doing self-work, so you can experience better love, sex, and communication. We also help a caller in her 20s get more selfish in the bedroom – because when it comes to sex, selfishness can be a real virtue. Show Notes:More Adam Ferrara: Youtube Comedy Special | Website | Instagram | Twitter | Podcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In learning the difference between reacting and responding and where those two impulses belong, reacting belongs on stage. Because that's when you're not thinking, you're totally present and you're reacting to the moment. Acting is reacting. So when I'm working, that's when I turn that switch on, open that door, and I can be just be there. When I'm home, I got to respond from choice. And the choice is to be a better person. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

You got to love relationship advice delivered in a thick New York accent. Well, I've got Adam Faire on the show today and we're healing your emotional triggers so you can have thriving interpersonal connections. Kapiche, Adam when I talk meditation and breathwork for anxiety, the difference between responding and reacting to your partner, how to cultivate a felt sense of your emotions, and the difference between worry and responsibility. As a self-described codependent Catholic Italian, Adam is as real as he gets about getting vulnerable

and doing self-works. You can experience better love, sex, and communication. We also help a caller in her 20s get more selfish in the bedroom because when it comes to sex, well, selfishness can be a real virtue. All right, intentions with Emily for each episode, join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it. I encourage you to do the same. Like, what do you want to get out of this episode? My intention is to help you hear from other

people who feel stuck in their sex life and relationships to let you know you're not alone. And once you hear Adam's positive reframes around them, I think you're gonna feel a lot better. You're probably gonna laugh too because let's be honest, it's Adam. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, Ask Emily, my partner watches porn too enthusiastically, is up at sexwithemily.com. Also, check out my YouTube channel, social media, and TikTok. It's all sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice.

If you want to ask me questions, we'll leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily or call my hotline 559 talk sex or 559 825 5739. Always include your name your age where you live and how you listen to the show and totally cool to change your name to remain anonymous. All right everyone, enjoy this episode. Adam Ferra is an actor, comedian who entertainment weekly dubbed hilarious and co-host of the critically claimed BBC sensation Top Gear US for six seasons. Find more Adam at AdamFraara.com or on Instagram

and Twitter at AdamFraara. Check out his podcast, The AdamFraara Podcast, 30 Minutes You Won't Get Back at his comedy special on YouTube. It's scary in here. I love when AdamFraara is on the show. He's the host of the Adam Ferra podcast, 30 minutes, you'll never get back. It feels like five. That's how good he is, right? Emily Morse, of course, is one of my favorite episodes. And I'm glad you had me back. We had our thank you. I love it. I love being on yours. We did a podcast swap. You know, we did do that. But Adam, we're going to take a call. We can help out Brianna, 25 in California. Adam's in a successful marriage. And I've got some

years here to help. What's going on Brianna? How can we help you? I am kind of in a predicament here. I recently broke up with my boyfriend, got back together with him the next day because I felt like it was a wrong decision. But the reason why I did in the first place was because I as shallow as it sounds and it makes me so sad is that I'm just losing sexual like attraction to him. I feel like archimistry in the bedroom is just off. I've tried telling him like, hey, I want you to be more confident and aggressive and He's tried and bless his heart. I love that about him, but it's just like it's not happening. I and bless his heart. I love that about him, but it's just like,

it's not happening. I know it's not sad. I kind of have been messaging this guy. And I don't see that guy as like relationship material. I'm just getting that like sexual like teasing like satisfaction. And it makes people, and I love my boyfriend so much, and that's why it's kind of like, oh, okay, I decided to stop doing that first of all,

but I want to work on that part of our relationship because literally everything is perfect about this guy, except he's not like my typical type, and the sex is just not there. I get it, Brianna, let me just tell you this. So you're 25 years old, you've been together two years, you said, and let me just tell you, this is what happens in a lot of relationships.

Many, most relationships, but at the time you get to two years, there won't be as much of that passion and that excitement and that chemistry you had at the beginning and the relationship, that's what happens. And so what what couples what I do is I help couples figure out well What how do you talk about how do you communicate about sex? So the thing is I'll bet that he wants to do I bet he wants to be more what did you say more aggressive or more assertive He doesn't know how like you guys are still you know you're 25 figuring it out and so Is there a way that you could if you want it and I appreciate I know what you, too, I was you when I was 25 and I wish someone told me that this

is what happens in relationships and you have to choose to work on it or not. You know, I, so I think that it's always attractive when you're dating someone that this would happen to me. I date someone for two years, and this is common. And then you meet someone else. And then they're really into you. And then they make you, you get that excitement, those butterflies that knewness that you did not feel early on. You don't feel anymore with your boyfriend. So you think, well, it must be this guy. So I got to tell you, it's not probably about the other guy.

So either you have two choices there. I would say you could go back to your boyfriend, which you did. And you could choose to say, you know what? I realize that we both could work on this together. I don't need to tell you that you need to just start initiating or doing different things because you have to learn it together. And then you could say, let's figure out together what feels good to both of us. Let's, you go to my website, we have something called a yes, no, maybe list, you could download,

it helps couples figure out what you're both into sexually, it helps that conversation, a lot of couples listen to my podcast. So I think that it's more about learning, and you're learning too. So the 20s are you know learning about yourself and your body and so You know, I know that he's great. I asked yeah It does like like like I want someone to like go down on me and like you know do some like no finger action He'll do the fingering, but like he won't go down on me like just like the biggest Okay, right? I even said it was like a drummer

I have a question. Do you go down on him? Do you give him blow jobs? So I'm a giver and I have And I have stopped giving him blow jobs and doing hand things one because he's never come like when I give him blow jobs. And he says because he gets too excited for that he wants to vagina. And I'm like, okay, that's fine. But like that person never happens to me. Like, you know, where guys never come when I'm giving him a blow job. But like that, so that kind of was disappointment, but not only that, but he's very selfish in the bedroom

too. Where I'm like, okay, you like, and I told him, I was like, hey, you're in the bedroom, and I need you to like put me first and you'll ask me, like, what do you like? And I'm like, well, I just like you to be confident and just do whatever you want to do, like throw me around, like, you know, be aggressive and like, whatever I don't like, I'll say no, but like, I just want you to just like, like dominate me basically and he's just not, he's just not giving me anything to work with.

So that's the frustrating thing. Because it's sex, it's sex, like we can always work on that, but like, you're, I don't know, because everything else is perfect. I'm like, I don't want to throw away this great relationship when it's just this one thing. You know, it's bigger thing. I mean, you're saying that he's, I'm not going to get Adam's take on this too. Adam, you know, it's a lot of sex talk here. Has it ever been good and deteriorated or has it never been? Has it ever been good and deteriorated or has it never been? It's never really been good. Oh, I like that.

So that's that that's here. You're trying you're not trying to fix something. You're trying to create something. Yeah. If it wasn't there in the beginning, you're not going to get it back like because he has it doesn't have the for he doesn't he probably doesn't know how maybe eventually her learn to be a great lover. But the fact that he has a germ thing and he won't go down into you.

Like maybe some guys don't like it because they might not know what they're doing and they feel inadequate or they, but if he just won't do it to me, that's just a no go zone. And now you're not giving him blood out. First of all, the thing, the thing that that you said, Brianna, that you should be commended for is I was doing this and I stopped because so So you have a vagina and a conscience. Good girl. So. But what if you put yourself into mindset and ask yourself the question, do I want to build

this with him and are you willing to do this with me? That's the question. If you rephrase the question, it's not like you got to get back to something that wasn't there. Do you want to go forward and make this better? Here's what I need. Here's a way we can do it. I'm open to any other way you might have.

And then you work on it together. Yeah. Yeah. But, Dr. Adam, it's not a problem. It's something to be accomplished. Yeah. Okay. It's an effort.

Yeah. That's such a great way to put it. You could say to him, yeah, let's do this together because you're both in it together. It's not up to way to put it. You could say, oh, yeah, let's do this together, because you're both in it together. It's not up to you to figure it out. And then see if he wants to work on it together, because they guarantee you both have a lot to learn together. But he has to be a willing participant. I don't know how you sound very evolved.

You've got conscious, like Adam said, Anna vagina. Do he have the emotional maturity? Does he want to work on it with you? But I think you'll know sooner than later if you word it like that. If he's like, I'm not interested, or we shouldn't have to work on it with you? But I think you'll know sooner than later if you word it like that. If he's like, I'm not interested or we shouldn't have to work on it, you know, then you'll know. Yeah.

See if he's down and you guys could figure out. And he's in high. So you first thing and there's like, listen, I need to learn things about me. Will you help me? Because he's going to he doesn't want to know that he doesn't know. Yes. Right. Don't yeah, because you don't know either.

Let's be honest, Brianna, you probably are still discovering your body. What feels good to you at't know either. Let's be honest, Brianna, you probably are still discovering your body what feels good to you at 25. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Like, I mean definitely, there's like, that's why I like, I want to explore things. And like, you know, I, you know, I think in the past couple years have started getting into a loop and like doing different

things and different positions and like even trying to master me on my own because I'm like, oh, I'm just not into myself that way. There's a way I can get off. And to the say that still like a work in progress, but I feel like it's getting better because I have no other choice right now because I'm not getting any satisfaction right now. But yeah. So this is exactly it, Brian. If you don't know it, yeah, it is about your journey to figure out what feels good to

you and your body and you're absolutely right going on that journey. And I like what Adam said about, do you want your journey to figure out what feels good to you and your body and you're absolutely right going on that journey. And I like what Adam said about, do you want to come with me and help me figure it out? I haven't had an orgasm in this way, or I'd like to figure it. And then I think when you enroll the guy, you're like, look at this.

Let me show you what we could learn on our body. Let's do this together that maybe he'd be more down than saying like, you don't know this. And you need to ask for directions here. I don't think that men like to be told that necessarily. Now, I don't even want to ask directions driving, you think I'm going to ask directions, but it's at 25. Exactly.

Exactly. Definitely. Right? That's, you've so much. Yeah, that's how I hope it. Of course. I got a lot of podcasts about this. A lot of couples listen to my podcast together and they get inspired, turn it off.

Go, what are you saying Emily said here? Should we try to have the conversation this way or try this mission? But I think this is a good first step. Try to have the conversation see if he's down in the call me back. Let me know. Thank you so much. Of course, you're welcome, Brianna. Thanks for calling.

They can't be happy. So fun. Listen, this debut number one on iTunes, his comedy album, it's scary in here. And it's really good. So I have to say, I'm sort of like, how do I not listen to, I don't know about comedy albums, I haven't listened to it in years. And I listened to it. It's like prep. And then I was totally into it and laughing. And it's like little small bites of, of Adam. Very articulate. You can get them for free at all the platforms. That's right, it's free. And it's worth it.

And a lot of it was about my anxiety and about the way I'm dealing with life. And yeah. Well, that's the thing is that it is about your anxiety. So I'm glad we're checking in now. How is your anxiety, Adam Fara? Oh my God. Because I can relate.

Okay. Thank God you're here helping people and people have this outlet. My issue is I beat myself up I turn my my frustration in on myself and you should do better and is there's that loop in my head That's why you don't meditation. I'm too wound up for meditation. I don't think your modra should be look what you did Look what you did look what you did So I'll tell you what tell me everything that I found that really really helped me was the phrase worry is not

One of the things that I found that really, really helped me was the phrase worry is not responsibility. That got crossed up in my head because my dad was my hero. He was the one that took care of family and you wanted to emulate the man of the family. That's just the way I grew up. And my father was worried about feeding everybody who left these guys. They had lights on. I mean, it was the whole, it was everything. You'd never let anyone outside this house know we talk about in here. I'm like pop the windows are open and you scream. They can hear you. So it was always worrying about feeding everybody and taking care of everything and make sure everybody was protected.

It was the projection of my parents fears on their children was part of it, but the rest was just, you know, it can be a cruel world and you got to look out for yourself. So I got the message that worry was responsibility because I was emulating the behavior from my dad. So when I learned worries, not responsibility, it freed up the fact that I don't have to be this anxious. You don't have to worry. I don't have to worry that much to be a good man at the house. You know, man at the house has to be aggravating, worry and take care of him. No, he doesn't. That's just the wiring in my head. So that helped me a great deal. Worry is not responsive to the ability.

Wow. That's a really good one. Yeah. Well, I have a different thing. Well, okay, so much like you, Adam, I have the negative self-talk as well. But it's like, mine says, it's so funny you're saying this because I went through this this morning. I'll take my therapy notes that are right in front of you because you're never done.

It's about, I worry about everything. I worry that I'm not doing enough, that I'm not good enough, that I'm not enough. So the opposite of that is like, I am enough. That would be like the affirmation when you try to flip it, but I do this EMDR therapy about that. So it's like, I'm not doing enough, I'm not good enough, I won't be able to do this. And it's constant in my head that I am constantly, I fuck something up. A big one is I'm not gonna follow through.

And you know, here's something I can say to my whole team here because this is a big thing about work. I worry that I'm, because I'm ADD like you are. And I have been challenging it for a long time in getting stuff done and follow through in details. Like I love, like you said before, that I'm good at my job, I love helping people, but can I remember to put the keys back in the bowl?

Can I do I have systems and organization? No. And then I feel I don't always file through with things and my team knows that. That's why I have an awesome team. But then I often feel like, oh, they just think I'm not doing enough. So then this is what I came over today. Do you mind if I process my therapy with you, Adam? Please do let it out then.

What I came up with was, oh, then it's okay that just because these things happen to me, then I'm, oh God, I didn't mean to go here today. But I'm not a bad, like it doesn't make, it's not a bad thing. It's not like a, people know me, they expect me. I'm a good person, I have good intent, and they probably know, I believe, like, that's why my assistant gets a copy of everything. I'm not going to see it or read it. And it doesn't mean I'm a bad person. Like I'm not a bad person because I have these skills that, ADD isn't mean you're lazy

or stupid or not successful or not all these things that in fact that's what makes me unique perhaps. Sure. Let me ask you this. When you get something done, you feel better about yourself? No, okay. The other thing is no. I don't opt for a moment and then I think of what else the 10 things I didn't do. Yeah, okay. So I think focusing on the one person not laughing. That I do that too. I think God, I can't see everyone's face on Zoom right now. Thank God, I can't see them because if they're not right, I would be worried.

So they're plotting against this. You don't trust me. They do. They're like, what, what, what? But that's what I think about. But out of my love that you turn into humor and all the things that you do. And I know it's not easy being a comedian and artist, but I think it's, I think you have to say. I want to ask you because I have to say everything about thinking their salvation in achievement,

thinking about my identity lies externally from me. If I, it's, if then, if I do that, then I'll be happy. If this happens, then this will be, you know, it's right. Okay, so it is bullshit that whole once I get the house, the wife, the family, then I'll be happy. That is true. So we know that intellectually and you're right. I have that same thing. And then so appreciating your successes and the small moments are what's important.

So it's like the moment by moment, you have to just be like, it is enough. I am enough. It's okay right now. It's not about achievement. So does that mean that you've let go of achievement at all? No, I can say this shit, but doing it fucking hurts. This is, yeah. No, I know intellectually, I know my anxiety comes from future thought of something that

hasn't occurred yet, and my regret comes from depression and things I should have done. There was a bit on the album called anxiety and depression, the polarity of that where I'm running back and forth between those two energies. That's where that is. To be present in that is to not worry about the future or regret the past. I'm right here right now. I'm here with Emily. That's why we connect boxes and we're having a good time. Exactly. Do you know if this is why exactly I've got my yoga pants on still? Listen, the

thing is is that we, when you are present, the stuff that you're worrying about in the future and the stuff in the past cannot exist in presents. So do you think that's why you like doing stand up, right? And when you're probably feel great when you're doing a podcast. That's the only time I am fully present and you're a vessel is when it's coming through you. When I'm when I'm a live audience, no net, I'm in-proven and it's just coming through me. I'm not there. It's just whatever needs to come through me will come through me and you're a vessel to somebody else. And I have most comics can have that spidey sense where they can read a room. You know, you can get more energy in the room You get it when you're talking to a gas. You're like this is going nowhere, you know Exactly the best. Yeah, he got to go. Sorry Adam. Thanks for being here

After the break more with Adam Ferra. Okay, so it is true, so then the mic goes off and you're done with your show and then you're with your family or something happens. And then you feel, how's it going at home? It's home is great because my wife understands my wife is best move ever made in my world and this tie world's marionist woman. This is she's I rang the bell and anyone listening, you're going to Google her and you're going to think to yourself, this guy's batting over his head. You're absolutely right. So she understands me and she becomes the, the barometer of my self, I need to self correct if she's not happy because I've done something.

My job is to make her life better because I live in better, I live better in service of life or better in service of the queen. You know, okay, how do I make this life better? This is my job. So if I scream in Yale, which is old behavior

that she's not used to, I'm like, that doesn't, this no longer serves me, I gotta fix this. I gotta put that down. So that makes me happy knowing that making her happy makes me happy. And again, it's external fulfillment. But if I'm gonna go down, I'll go down with a sword, my hand fighting for the

queen. So that's fine. Adam, that's good. Do you feel like you, so when you go back into the screaming and yelling, like that stuff with therapy, you kind of don't do that as much anymore? That's right. It's more coming from response, response, because I grew up reacting. At times are emotional people and then they're loud emotional people. And it's not really happy. There's nobody lives at the end of the opera Emily. You know, everyone's dying. So this is the are emotional people and then they're loud emotional people and it's not really happy. There's nobody lives at the end of the opera Emily, you know, everyone's dying. So this is the culture we grew up in. So in learning the difference between reacting and responding and where those two impulses

belong, reacting belongs on stage because that's when you're not thinking you're totally present and you're reacting to the moment. Acting is reacting. So when I'm working, that's when I turn that switch on, open that door, and I can be, just be there. When I'm home, I got to respond from choice and the choice is to be a better person in a relationship with somebody else, not just by myself. It's not about me when I come home.

It's about this family that I got to take care of. And I've taken on that energy as being the man at house. And it's not the discount you ladies, you're perfectly capable of taking care of yourself. I think you're underpaid and I think any decisions regarding your body should be made by you. But let's be clear, this isn't about you. Right now, it's about me.

So someone better help me right now. Everything is such a joke. Tell me what? My control issues. I really got to address my control issues because there's no fucking control. There's no control. Yeah, right now you're just like, okay, I guess this is going to happen whether I want it to or not, how am I going to deal with it and let's deal with this right now.

So what helped me was the blame. Look, I can blame myself for a lot of shit. I'm co-dependent in Catholics. So I'm double-flopped, but there's no way I'm responsible for this. So I can let myself walk the hook for this. Yeah, you're right. You're so right. So you've been married for how long? Ah, let me see. We lived together for so long. So I say we've been together since like 2006, maybe 2000, three, three, you three say it around and it's a long time. Yeah, so we've been together long enough to know that we're the ones whatever comes up. We're gonna fight to get through it. So that's why I. I'm very lucky in that sense that that this is something not only I want to fight for, but I want to keep making better. Well, Adam, did you guys ever go to therapy together or? We didn't want to.

We all decided it's my fault. Exactly. Now, we did look. Here's the thing that works for us, Emily's. I know her crazy. She knows my crazy a lot better, and I know her crazy, and I know our, the way our we function is a unit. But like I know know if I got

to go to the airport I got a teller it's a half hour before and then I know she'll might make it on time and if not she's going to have to pee before we leave so I'll be right there is is at least 15 minutes. So you just got to learn how to communicate with you. I'll be right there. That's 15 minutes. Don't yell for another 15 minutes. Don't ask for another 15 minutes and she's going to pee. That's the reason that there's a little, a little set T right by the front door because that's where I sit with the dog looking at it going. It's 15 minutes don't be impatient.

So she's got to know that, you know, so I know that about her and she knows that when I can't do, I can only do one thing at a time because of my ADD. So I'm flying all over the place. So she knows if I'm on the phone talking to somebody, she can't ask me a question, she can't get my attention because I can't do it. I'll physical out, now it's short circuit. It's not easy. I mean, having a partner who supports you and got you like that.

Which is knows you're crazy. It's knows that she's gonna need this. This will make her feel better. I know this will be there for her to get, she's got to get the engine running in the morning. So I get up in the morning, I come up first, I make the coffee, I give her about an hour then I go back upstairs and now she's got to get the engine running in the morning. So I get up in the morning, I could, I'm, I'm gonna come up first. I make the coffee. I give her about an hour, then I go back upstairs and now she's got her little, uh, Yeti travel mug. She likes. So I put

her coffee in the travel mug. So it stays warm. I put it by the bed and I go do what I got to do. So when she wakes up, she's got a cup of coffee. She'll come down and say, good morning. She's already had a cup of coffee in her and her day's better. So her day's better, my day's better. Yeah. That's great. So you just had those communication skills built in, but you had to learn I just like a lot of couples. We had no, I had to learn all that shit. You do have to learn it. Even without theory, but you guys were willing to work on it. I just feel like we hear so many, you know, couples calling who've been together 20 years

and they, they still are having a lot of the same arguments they had early on. I just don't learn how to. I had to ask myself the question. I'm like, I was in a relationship a couple of reasons before that, where at the same point, when I was younger, that didn't work out. But what really helped me with my wife was, it was the difference between have to and want to. It was like, all the relationships are happy for my wife.

It was like, I gotta do this. I gotta do this. I don't wanna go and do this. This is like, no, I got to do this. I got to do this. I don't want to go and do this. This is like, no, I want to do this. I want to get rid of this because this is worth fighting for. This is what I want. I want to make this better. So when you're coming from want to,

you got a lot more energy about you. And when I realize it's not working, my attitude is important. Is there anything that keeps coming up again and again? You're like, oh, this fight right now, it just kind of doesn't have the same change. I have no patients. I have no, but Emily, I go from zero to homicide in three seconds. I have no patients. When I say, can you do this? Is it done yet? That's the next sentence. And it's not, I have unrealistic expectations of how things are supposed to work. So that's what I got. I have to learn patients.

It's like, I was on a car show for years. I like to drive fast and do stupid shit and cause. So anytime you put an input into the car, let's say you want to slide a corner, you're going to pull the e-brake, you're going to load up the suspension, which means you shift the weight of the car to one side of the car,

you pull the emergency brake and in the back end comes out, but you have to allow the car time to respond to the input you put into it. It's a dance, you become one of the car, you pulled the emergency brake and then the back end comes out, but you have to allow the car time to respond to the input you put into it. It's a dance, you become one with the car. It's two tons, you throw in two tons around. So, you know, that's big car, you know, big Cadillac, you throw in two tons around. So, that's part of the way I've learned

to have realistic expectations of feedback. Because you have ADD like us, we want a media. Oh, there it is. Oh, I got that hit. I got that hit of feedback right there. Now I can turn my attention to this way. If I don't get the feedback here, I'm turning my attention to get that feedback met. And that's part of ADD is you're looking for feedback. You're looking for the so you just got to ride it out. It's what we're saying. Yeah, you're looking for like a thing, the separation of the impulse and the feeling to your choice of acting on it is what? It's that moment that's sweet before you react.

It's that moment in between that you have to, what's happening before, and how do you stop yourself from reacting and searching going to the next thing? Yeah. So a lot of what we talk about in the show is, how we handle our emotions, how do we learn to communicate with partners,

and especially we're talking about, we both have ADD and I always suggesting people need therapy and meditation. But you're saying that you're in a good practice of meditation, not medication. That's right. Meditation. That's what I started with medication. Yeah, ADD, first of all, they give you speed.

Right. Yeah, it's so based on fetamine. And it's expensive. Yeah, I don't think it was like 120 bucks for prescription. And I asked the doctor, I go, what is this? He goes, it's a feda me to go. I can go to poor authority, get a bag of whites for $30. So then you would take it. Yeah. No, right. Not as effective, but training our mind, which is where a lot of the destruction comes from is the things we think. So you wake up and you what kind of practice is it? You said you do.

Well, I got off the pills, right? So I got off the pill. I got off the antidepressants and everything because it just wasn't working. I wasn't feeling right. It wasn't feeling well too jangly. So I started a practice of just meditation to understand how to, because I figured I knew it was the mind because the thoughts just kept racing.

So one book I read, so it's a way of disciplining yourself, not to react to the thoughts. You are not your thoughts. That's the first thing I had to learn. I had to learn. So then, just as you separate and you get like a 30,000-foot view on your bullshit, you can sit in a place right now. I can sit in a place where I can recognize the impulse of the thought and the thought triggers

the emotion or the feeling. And I can choose to act on it or not. So you're coming from a place from choice. I don't do it well all the time. I don't catch them all, but I'm more aware than I was before. So when you when you sit in a place when you could observe your thoughts, it puts you in a neutral setting. But you don't get there right away because the first time I was observing my thoughts was like this. I see you, you mother fucker. away because the first time I was observing my thoughts was like this, I see you, you mother fucker. You're the one that's making me yell, screaming yell. But you identify with your thoughts, means you act them out, you engage with them. If you can just see them and not judge them as,

I'm bad for having this feeling. I'm worthless because I haven't done this. Why am I, it's not right to feel that it's all judgment. It's all judgment. yeah, all that judgment triggers a story. Look, pain in life is mandatory. The suffering is optional. Exactly. The suffering is the shit comes from the stories we tell ourselves because you don't get something done. And you can't find your keys, Emily's bad.

And now you caught Matt Loup. Exactly. And then Colin's sitting there going, Ovi, pull her out of the hole. We got a show to do. That's what they do. We call the Ravino and my sister's like, don't go down that rabbit holevi, pull her out of the hole. We got a show to do. You know, they do. We call the revenue. My sister's like, don't go down that rabbit hole.

Pick it happy. Happy. Yeah. Somebody got a man. The Megan go get her. The 30 second break. You know, so you've got the show to do. I can't find my keys.

But Adam, what I want to get specific here, your practice, is it just a breath meditation? Is it a word? It started with right right now. It's right now. It's a breath meditation now because to eliminate the words, it started with a mantra, it started with this, but then just to eliminate the words and just to go into the space and to best make a place to cultivate a felt sense. All right, so I can feel cultivating a felt sense, it's your gut.

It's your gut when you feel like you know when something's right and when something's wrong. So if you cultivate that felt sense, that's a higher. It's pointing you to that kind of feedback with the world we live in rather than sight, sound, smell, all that other stuff. We're just we think that those five senses are identity and the thoughts that are connected to it or what we believe in. If you separate yourself from a belief system or any kind of system and just kind of sit and observe shit, then you can just be. Being comes from, there's no wanting, there's no fear and there's no, there's no fear and there's no desire. Fear

and desire don't want to cause the stories of my head and make you suffer. I have to get that. If I don't get that, I'm a PC shit. How did I miss that? It's my fault. And then if you look backwards, how could I let that happen? So you're never really present, you're never really being. So I started with a breath meditation. I started with a mantra and now I'm at a point where I still use the breath to just just to start the machine and just to sit there. And the best thing that I have found for 20 minutes is a great book called Natural Meditation by Dean Slider. That's the book that really clarified everything. Okay. Yeah. I had a podcast as well. But if you're going to start it, all you got to do is say, I'm going to sit in this, or I'm responsible for

is to put my ass on this seat for five minutes, three minutes. That's it. That's all you were sponsored. You start with that. Even if you do it for a minute. Yeah, no, it's true. And I've been meditate. It's funny. It's like working out. But I, you know, you're in a role with it. You're great. And I've been probably first meditated 25, I think it's 25 years ago, and then I go in and out. But mostly I do it every morning, but I, when I don't do it, I notice that it's, you know, I'm off.

But I think you're so right where you're saying about your gut. Trusting our gut, we have all the answers. So by meditating, you're just more aware. You don't have the same reaction. So it helps your anxiety, though, too. You're saying, I think you're saying just. It's not that I'm not anxiety because I'm less anxious because I don't feel like I need to control the outcome

of the future. And if something happens, it wasn't my fault. And if something happens, I'm cultivating my trust in my ability to overcome. So you're moving myself out of a fear-based identity and reality. Like, oh my God, what if? Fuck what if? You know what if? What if my aunt had balls?

She'd be my uncle. It doesn't matter. You know, you're putting yourself in a position where you're going to just drive yourself crazy. You know, so it's having, my wife says I'm cultivating trust and Italians don't really trust too well, you know. We're born going, yeah, I'm not. It's like the DNA thing. She wanted me to do a 23 in me.

I said, I'm not giving up evidence without a court order. I'm not trust anybody. So that's what it is. It's coming up with that felt sense that, okay, this is my fault and I'll be able to overcome what's thrown my way. That is it. That is it. It is really the best tool, especially right now, and a lot of us are feeling even more anxious. Some people out and believe it are not are having

anxiety for the first time. Oh, welcome. That's what I feel like. I'm like, welcome to the party. How's that going for you? And it's like someone who's been, you know, had it my entire life, which they never used to call it anxiety. What did they call it? 20? I just or a D D call calm the fuck down. I remember I was talking to my shrink. It happened to me in a fifth grade. And I remember that summer, that summer when anxiety, I didn't know what it was, but I knew I didn't feel right. I was in the fifth fucking grade, Emily. And it hasn't gone away. Exactly. What did you feel in the fifth grade that made you anxious?

Fifth grade. I did something I, I, I got into a fight on the school bus on the fifth grade. I like, I want to last days of school. And this guy wasn't much of a fight, but I did the best I could. You know, this kid just kicked my, and everyone was laughing at me. And I was humiliated. So it was one of the last days of school where I felt humiliated. And that humiliated feeling sat with me that whole summer. And I had anxiety about the first day of school because I'm like, I'm going to go right back on that bus and have to go back into that whole summer. And I had anxiety about the first day of school,

because I'm like, I'm going to go right back on that bus and have to go back into that fight again. And everyone's going to humiliate me. There was going to point everyone's going to laugh. And that's when I realized, this is it. Why is this happening to me? So even at that moment, I realized that I could observe that thought because it was it was abriant. It was alien to me. I never felt it before, even though I was a kid, but I had a kid's mind where I'm like, this isn't right. This isn't. So I had that separation ability that I didn't know I had and meditation and therapy helped

me cultivate. Wow. I'm still a fucking mess, but at least I know why. Well, that's the thing at least you understand it. That's what it does, you guys. And everyone just thinks that therapy isn't worth it. You don't need therapy. I'm always pushing it here. I'm always trying to explain to people that it's, I don't know. Maybe people still think, well, it makes it easier. They're going to send me away. Yeah, there's a stigma. We think

you're insane. It just gives you life tools. Yeah, you're not going to send your way. You're not crazy. Everyone's fucked up. You just don't know. We are all fucking people who think they're not fucked up or the most fucked up. Those are the people that pick up an ax and wipe out the whole family one day. It's so true. And it helps your work and helps your comedy. Do you feel like how do you feel Adam, they're comedy's been during? Are you flourishing? Are you feeling like, I'm doing more, I'm doing more and I'm trying to do more out of wanting to produce rather than holy shit I'm scared I got to do something.

So I'm trying to come from a place of I had this opportunity as an opportunity to create. I've never been more fucking busy in my life, you know, I'm really busy doing shit, but I'm not going out on the road. I'm not leaving the house. So the feeling I have to remind myself is you are working, you are producing, you are productive, but you're not. I'm used to getting on a plane every Thursday, flying into the radio Friday morning and do the morning news on Friday, two shows Friday, two shows Saturday, getting on a plane to fly home.

That's my work schedule. So that's how I know I'm doing something. I'm actually moving. I had to remind myself that even though I'm not leaving the house, I am working. I am producing. I am. And again, I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing that, that's your self worth, that's your value. Adam, this is good. I feel like I'm getting a second therapy. See again, I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing that that's your self worth, that's your value.

Adam, this is good. I feel like I'm getting a second therapy. See, we all need it, right? Even though I go this morning, Adam, this is great. I got to ask you, Adam, for the five questions we ask all of our guests, yes, start five quickie questions. Bad. Biggest turn on the way my wife's hair smells. The biggest turn off the way my feet smell. What makes good sex? Communication. I like it when there's a lot going on. Something you tell your younger self about sex and relationships. Don't be a dick. There's two people in this relationship. It ain't just you.

What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex? It ain't dirty. It's only dirty if it's done correctly. I love it, Adam. That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review where every you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner.

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