Sex With Emily - Live with Emily - Sex Became a Chore for Me Too

Episode Date: January 20, 2026

Let's be honest — for all the progress we've made, most of us still don't know how to talk about sex. We can talk about work, money, kids, literally everything else. But ask your partner what actually turns them on? Cue panic. In this live show, Dr. Emily opens up the gates for your questions and wow, you did not hold back. She tackles why sex stops feeling fun and starts feeling like a chore, what's really going on when desire disappears, and how to flip the script from obligation back to connection. This episode was recorded live across my social platforms at @sexwithemily — a new evolution of the show as we head into my 21st year of the podcast. After over two decades of talking about sex, I’ve learned that real, unscripted conversations create the deepest breakthroughs. You’ll hear real questions, real interaction, and the energy of being live together as we explore how to build a sex life that actually feels good — without shame or judgment. Don't forget to tune in on most Tuesdays and Thursdays at 5 PM PST on Instagram, Tiktok, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitch all @sexwithemily.  In this episode, you'll learn: • Why sex becomes "just another item on the to-do list" and what that really means  • The difference between duty and desire — and why confusing them breeds resentment  • How to rebrand sex as connection instead of obligation More Dr. Emily:  • Shop With Emily! Explore Emily’s favorite toys, pleasure accessories, bedroom essentials, and more — designed to support your pleasure and confidence. Free shipping on orders $99+ (some exclusions apply). • Join the SmartSX Membership: Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. • Sex With Emily Guides: Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides. • The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure • Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website • Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok | Threads | YouTube • Let’s text: Sign up here • Want me to slide into your email inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. Timestamps: 0:00 - Introduction 2:36 - "Pick Up Laundry, Do Dishes, Have Sex... Check" 6:07 - When You're Not in the Mood to Give 12:25 - How to Ask Someone Out (Live Caller) 14:26 - Can You Make Her Squirt? Techniques That Actually Work 22:22 - How to Get Your Partner to Want Intimacy Again 30:53 - Finding a Third: Dos and Don'ts for Couples 36:08 - The Power of Edging 40:38 - "Desire Needs Space, Not Stress" 47:29 - How to Make Sex Feel Like Connection Again

We confuse duty with desire. And then over time, resentment replaces curiosity. I should want to do this. I should want to have sex. What's wrong with me? That is completely killing our turn-ons. We do not want that for our sex life. Do you ever feel like sex has turned into something you should want, but you don't?

I'm Dr. Emily Moore, sex educator and relationship expert for over 20 years. Yes, this is my 21st year of doing the podcast. And I decided to have a lot. real unscripted conversations are the best way to get us all together and help you have the sex life you deserve. You can still download my thousands of other podcasts wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sex with Emily is where we turn confusion into clarity and help you build a sex life that actually feels good without shame or judgment. So today on the Sex with Emily podcast, we're talking about what's really happening in your relationships, your bodies and your

desire. We talk about why sex so often turns into an obligation, why it's usually not a libido problem at all, and what actually helps turn connection and arousal back on. We dive into real questions about mismatched desire, guilt around not being in the mood, how to talk about intimacy without pressure, and how to make sex feel nourishing again instead of performative. Reminder, this episode was recorded live across my social platforms, all at Sex with Emily. which means you'll hear real questions, real interaction, and unscripted conversations with the community. You might notice a slightly different flow or pacing. That's the energy of a live conversation.

I love these conversations. Also, a reminder, I have thousands of useful articles, guides, and tools to support you wherever you're at, all at sex withemly.com. And make sure you've signed up for my newsletter. Honestly, people tell me all the time I give really good newsletter. You can also join SmartSX at Sexwithemly.com slash smarts for deeper conversations, live coaching and community support. Shop my favorite expert approved products at shop sex withemly.com and follow me everywhere on social at Sex With Emily.

And remember, share this episode with someone you think could benefit from it. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. You know that feeling when sex becomes something that's just another, item on your to-do list. You're like, pick up the laundry, do the laundry, go to work, do the dishes, have sex, check. Does that ever happen to you? You know, you're not alone. It is so, so common. And I want to know, like, when did sex stop becoming something that we enjoyed and something that we craved and then something that just became a problem? Okay. This is what I'm seeing everywhere.

I hear from so many of you that are just like, I used to love sex. It was great in the beginning of the relationship. And now I find myself thinking like, oh, we should probably have sex soon. Maybe we should have duty sex, you know. So somewhere along the way, sex that was something, sex that was something incredibly playful and joyful and exciting and life-giving and life-affirming became a goddamn chore. And I get it. We're exhausted, we're stressed, we're overwhelmed.

We have so many tabs open in our brain. We've got work. We've got kids. We've got screens. We've got bills. We've got that mental load of keeping everyone in our life alive, happy. There is no space for arousal to even show up. Like, where in our life, every moment is scheduled.

And then we're like expecting that we're all of a sudden supposed to feel turn on. And I think that's what we don't understand. Like, we don't understand that arousal doesn't live in a vacuum. Arousal doesn't just hit us over the head like it did in the early stages of a relationship when everything is new and exciting. You've never been with this partner before. You've never seen them naked before. You don't know if this sex is going to happen. Will it happen? Won't it happen? And everything about your sex life in the beginning is it's novel, it's new, it's there's variety but nope after a while it eventually becomes a chore but desire needs room to thrive when a lot of us are just living in this emotional clutter okay that's what happens and then we've been

fed this messaging that we're supposed to want sex all the time and every time we have it it's supposed to be amazing and we have to look hot while we're doing it so sex is to be amazing we have to be amazing We have to look hot. We have to be hard. We have to be lubricated. And then it becomes a performance. That's why sex becomes so performative. And we don't actually get to experience or feel it.

So I'm just wondering, is this something that you have all felt? And what do we do about it? Well, I'm going to tell you what we do about it, okay? Let's talk about why the hell sex isn't fun anymore. Because I'm here to make it fun, you know? But I want you to know that if it does feel, you're like, it's short, it doesn't mean that your sex life is broken. It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. It just means it's your body and braid saying, okay, we've lost our

connection to pleasure. That's it. That's all it means. So tonight we're going to talk about it, how to flip it back into something that is nourishing, that's exciting, that's real, because I don't want sex to be another item on your to-do list at all. Okay, this is from Sabrina. and she says, I love your so so much. I'm a 30-year-old female. I've been with my husband for seven years. I love him to death. And I feel like we have a pretty good sex life.

My only complaint is that it feels so hard to be in the mood or excited to be a giver. If I'm not turned on, and even if I am turned on, I find it hard to get in the mood to engage in oral sex. I think there's some residual trauma from a previous relationship. And I'm working out, I'm working on that in therapy. I'm so glad you're in therapy. We all need therapy.

But is it normal to not be into giving a blowjob without it being reciprocated? I feel so guilty even having these feelings. Thank you so much for your time. Okay. So first of all, thank you for this question, Sabrina, because so many people feel this way and they never say it out loud, you are not alone. So what you're describing is so common, especially for women, because our arousal is context dependent.

Like I was saying, sex is a chore because we don't know in what context is our arousal live in. How do we even get our arousal? How do we even find our arousal? That means we don't just get turned on like a light switch. We have to keep our own pilot light lit. Sex isn't just like, just because our partner wants it, doesn't mean we can just, whoop, okay, I'm ready to go. Hell no. Not when we have these tabs open our brain from the day or the house is messy or we're still finishing up emails from work or we're thinking about something that happened earlier in the day. Like, we need the right ingredients. we need safety, we need connection, we need to feel relaxed, we need to feel turned on way before

our bodies or our minds feel ready to give or to receive. So listen, if you're not turned on yet, there's like zero things wrong with you at all. You know, getting turned on is a matter of understanding like I need to be relaxed. I need to feel connected to my partner. I need to clear any, you know, like, resentments or if I need to have had a conversation with my partner. There's a lot that gets in the way. And the part about being a giver, it's hard to feel like a giver sometimes. Like, like, sex is sure it's very generous, but it's also about receiving. So there's this, there's this really interesting liminal space between giving and receiving

when it comes to sex. So I want you to know that like that's also something that's really common to understand, like, when am I, like, if you're fully in your pleasure and it sounds like when you are in your pleasure, like if you're in the mood you said, if you're even turned on that you have a hard time giving, because sometimes we're turned on and I'm like, all right, my partner's here. I'm receiving from them. I don't want to turn around and give a blowjob right now. So maybe there's also a lot of pressure on yourself that you're like, and this is the problem

with us so many times that we're like, I'm finally getting into the moment where I'm relaxed, I'm receiving, maybe my partner is going down to me and now do I have to give him a blowjob? Maybe you don't have to do anything. Maybe you have to just sit in your receiving. So you also mentioned, I have to hit this part that you had trauma in a past relationship. So when there is residual discomfort or pressure that's linked to a sexual act, even if it's subconscious, it's really hard to shut that off. Our traumas don't just disappear because we notice them.

our traumas go away or they don't really ever go away but our traumas can get addressed when we've addressed them in therapy which it sounds like you're doing so sex should be mutual pleasure it's not about a chore or a transaction so instead of pushing through this and pushing through this guilt try to find the ways to make giving also pleasurable to you okay so first in order to feel really good about giving, like giving to your partner, right? Giving a blowjob, giving a massage, making out, you have to first make sure that you are slowed down and turned on first. So, that might be asking for what you need. Maybe you need more turn on. You need more foreplay. You need more oral sex. You need more like, you know, maybe like you love when your partner

kisses your neck or whisper something in your ear or touches you all over your body. I can tell you from a lot of women, it's a requirement. Like, it's actually not a suggestion. It's a requirement. And I'm talking about foreplay. I don't know why so many of us think that we should just kind of skip right over it because we've been in a relationship for a while and I shouldn't need the foreplay. So the first thing is slowing down and making sure, Sabrina, that you're turned on first,

asking for more foreplay if you need it. and then reframing oral sex as part of play and not as part of a duty. So maybe you both explore what feels good for you during it. So how do you make giving oral sex something that's fun? Well, first, make sure that, you know, you and your partner have like a give and take where you're both, you know, like asking each other what feels good and you're talking about your sex life, right? I find oral sex to be really fun when I have a lot of like lotions and potions or like body oils or lubricant to make it a lot more slippery because sometimes our mouths just don't provide enough saliva that we need.

So make sure that you have what you need. Also, using a vibrator is a game changer for all body parts. So if you want to feel better with your partner, you know, giving them oral sex, like maybe you go down on them, but you're also using a little vibrator. on their shaft, on their balls, on their perineum, that helps make it fun when you've got all these accoutrements to, you know, get the mood going. Like, we use accessories for everything we do. And so, so think about that, like this reframing it part of your duty, like explore what feels good for you when you're giving oral sex. Like, I know when I get a new toy, I'm like, I can't wait to have my partner do it to use this on them. But the next thing is also just release your

guilt because guilt is going to get us nowhere and get low. let go of the shoulds around sex. We don't want you to shit all over yourself. We have a call coming in. Hello. Hi, it's Dr. Emily. How can I help you? Hello.

Hi. Hi, Emily. This is Dyer-Hawak. How are you? How can I help you tonight? Well, I'm trying to figure out how am I going to ask a woman out on a date. Okay. Great.

So it's a woman that you know or tell me? Well, I haven't found a girlfriend just yet. Okay. I need to figure out how to ask her out on the date. Okay. Well, first you've got to find someone that you're comfortable with. Maybe become friends with her, ask her to do something that you like to do already. What do you like to do?

Well, I like to go to a movie and I like to go out to dinner. Okay. So why don't you find someone that you like and say, let's go to see this movie or I found this great new restaurant? You really just ask it casually. Like, would you like to spend some time together? Hey, there's a great new movie playing. You want to go to a movie? we don't have to make it so difficult

it's like how you would ask a friend to do something you know okay all right thanks for your call I appreciate it listen you guys we make this so difficult like what is the right script for asking somebody on a date

what is the right like how do I approach someone if you meet someone and there's a vibe it's like how you'd ask a friend hey I heard about this great band playing tonight there's a great movie I want to go see do you want to join me we don't we don't really need to make it so complicated and remember this you guys

Guys, remember this. If you remember nothing else tonight, dating is a muscle, okay? It's a muscle and we have to practice it. We have to practice like getting comfortable flirting, getting comfortable being in the mood, getting comfortable being around people that make us feel comfortable, like finding our vibe, finding our crew, finding our group. And also if you're single, remember, let everyone, if you're looking to date, just let everyone you know, all your friends and all your people say, you know what, I'm looking to date.

do you know anyone to fix me up with? That is like one of the best ways to find someone. So this is probably a top question that we get asked all the time. Are there any techniques that can stimulate a woman to enhance the possibility of squirting? Oh my God, the squirting question, I love it because there's so much mystery and misinformation about it. So yes, some women can squirt. I find out that many women can actually learn to squirt. It's normal. but it is female ejaculation. That is when fluid is expressed from the urethra during intense arousal or orgasm, but it doesn't have to happen during orgasm. And it is not pee, though it comes from the same area. So if you're worried about sporting because you're like, it's pee, I'm always like,

who the fuck cares? Throw a blanket down and deal with it. But it's a mix of fluid from the skein's gland and a little bit of urine. Okay? Let's just get that out of the way because the second, you all hear about squirting, you all think it's a bunch of pee. And I also, I'll say it again, who the hell cares? Okay. So first, if you want techniques, the key is arousal first. You have to make sure that your partner is really aroused and turned on. It doesn't just happen from like poking around, right? It happens when you're fully relaxed, when you're fully turned on, when you feel safe. And once she's aroused, maybe she's at an orgasm or two, then you can start with some G-spot. internal stimulation. So let me get my little vulva puppet here, okay? So this would go from like putting

fingers inside and, you know, insert one or two fingers. You want it to be palm up like this and using this comheather motion about two inches inside up towards the belly button. You're looking for like a spongy ridged area. That is the G-spot that is part of the internal clitoral network. And then from there, you want to apply consistent firm pressure. Okay? Not too hard, but enough that it feels purposeful. So it's more rhythmic.

It's more intentional. It's not like fast and frantic. Like, oh my God. I'm going to do, okay? It's not that. It's rhythmic. It's intentional.

You're applying pressure to the G-spot, which is an internal clitoral nerve. The other thing you want to do is you want to pair it with, you want to pair it with clitorial. stimulation. For many people, they enjoy having clitoral stimulation and internal stimulation. And in fact, for many women, when they have a clitoral orgasm first, it really helps them have an internal orgasm, a G-spot orgasm or squirting. And so you also want to encourage your partner to relax, to breathe, to let go, you know, letting go of all that pelvic floor tension.

because the more relaxed she is, the easier it is to release. Okay? This might also take some practice. It takes some time. It takes her feeling very comfortable. And finally, expect the fluid to happen. Now, she might feel like there's an urge, like she has to pee. And right before it happens, that's like the building up.

And so, like, again, just have a towel ready and let her go. So you really just might need to apply some pressure and to, practice and to also take the pressure off. So you want to apply pressure internally, but you want to take the pressure off your partner that she has to squirt. Here's the other thing about squirting. I feel that when it became really popular squirting is because of porn, that like when I've been doing this for 20 years, when I first started, nobody ever, ever, ever asked me about squirting. Like, it just wasn't a thing. And then with porn being so readily available and everywhere, everywhere, people are like, oh my God, should I be squirting?

Can you get my partner to squirt? I want to squirt. And all these women are like, should I squirt? I want to squirt. And it become like this other thing that you have to do. Well, let me remind you, you don't have to do anything. You don't have to squirt. You don't have to have an orgasm.

You don't have to feel pressure to do anything at all. But if you'd like to squirt, I just explained to you the best ways to go about trying it out. So it's with a lot of internal stimulation here, constant rhythmic pressure. constant feedback back and forth with your partner and seeing if it happens. And again, it might take you a few times. Like everything in life, it takes practice. So if it doesn't happen the first time or the second time or whatever, that's fine, keep going.

But I'm finding that everybody who has been, well, let's just say very enthusiastic about learning to squirt have had a lot of success. I've heard it from you. I've heard of my friends. My girlfriend just called me the other night. She's like, holy shit, I just squirted. She was so happy. She was with a new guy.

and then she was out with their other friends are like, I squirted too. So I feel like people are like squirting. It's like squirting all over the world, which is great. Love it. So people love the squirting. Someone just asked, is squirt always accompanied by an orgasm? Let me say this again. You can squirt and have an orgasm and you can squirt and not have an orgasm.

So unfortunately, it's not always accompanied by an orgasm, but that would be freaking great. Wouldn't it be great if you're like every time you squirted you add an orgasm? But unfortunately, not the case. So just know that it can happen on its own. You might just squirt. And again, for some women, it's pleasurable. It's okay. It's not the best thing ever.

It's just like expelling a fluid. And I'm going to put my opinion here. I think that the reason why squirting again has become so popular is because we're seeing it in porn. And a lot of guys are like, oh, that's so cool. I ejaculate. Let's have you ejaculate. You're a woman.

You're going to ejaculate and you're going to squirt all over things. That's going to be fucking cool. What an amazing sight to see. Let's make you squirt. And it becomes more about this visual, like, let's see we can do it. But again, it's not necessarily because she's finding it to be the most pleasurable thing in the world. But it's a cool experience. It's fun.

Don't knock it until you try it. I'm just saying there's a lot of fanfare around squirting. There's a lot of popping circumstances around squirting. There's a lot of like, let everybody should be squirting. Squirting in the USA. And I'm just saying that's just cool. But again, it's just like there's trends with sex, you guys. There's been like sex trends.

have been like coming throughout the years, no pun intended. A lot of things have like come and gone. Mostly things have come though, and you've come to. Squirting has been a big one. Believe it or not anal, anal 15, 20 years ago, not that people have always been having anal, but there's been a lot more anal questions,

especially for straight men, being curious about anal penetration on themselves, realizing that just because I might want some stimulation in my anus doesn't mean that I'm gay, doesn't mean anything's wrong with me, It just means that I have a prostate and I've learned that when it gets stimulated, I might have an incredible orgasm. So a different kind of orgasm.

Someone else said, what's the difference between scorting an orgasm and does one feel better than the other? I think we kind of covered that. Case by case basis, I'm never going to tell you how you should feel or what feels the best because only you know until you experiment. But going back to the theme of sex shouldn't feel like a chore, when we're exploring with our partners and we're trying new things and we're like, hey, let's try squirting tonight. Let's try toy tonight. Let's try some, some, you know, power play tonight.

Let's try having sex in the living room instead of the bedroom tonight. Let's try dirty talking. Let's try. Let's try. Sex becomes less of a chore because now there's something new and exciting for you to try. because everything gets boring when we are not presenting new ideas, new experiences, new challenges. Am I right? Right? Think about things in your life.

You're doing the same things over and over again. They're going to get a little bit boring. So remember that mixing it up is so, so important. How do I get my wife to change your attitude towards intimacy? Okay, well, that's a million dollar question. if I could get everyone to change their partners, attitude, towards intimacy? Well, I think I have, actually.

I actually think that is my superpower. My superpower is getting you to understand that sex and your sexual desire, arousal, and attitude towards sex is not a fixed state, okay? It's not always going to be the same. Now, I don't know your wife, but I'm going to guess that if your wife has an attitude, towards intimacy, it sounds like it's one in which she's not that excited about it.

She might not be in the mood for it. She might not want to try things new. She might be sort of avoiding sex or falling asleep before you get to bed or, you know, a lot of time has gone by without you having sex. And I just want to say, I'm sorry that that's happening in your relationship because it's really, really hard when there's one partner who is really, really excited about having sex and the other one is just like, I don't want to talk about it. So first we have to understand why do we think she's avoiding intimacy? And for everybody, it's different. What is common is that

a lot of people are in relationships where their partners avoiding intimacy. But first, let me just throw out some reasons why she might be avoiding intimacy. Ready? This is just a laundry list and then you can kind of see what might speak to you. Maybe she has pain. 70 to 80% of women will have pain during sex at some point in their life and for many women, it's all the time. So maybe she has some pain. I had a caller once who called into my show and he said that they were ready almost on the brink of divorce. Their relationship was basically almost over. He had been trying everything and he just wanted to know why their sex wasn't happening. She was avoiding and finally he had a conversation with her and he said, listen, can you just talk to me? Can you just tell me? How can I help you?

and she was really, really embarrassed to admit it because we have so much shame around sex, she said, I'm in pain. I'm having so much pain and I don't know what it is. And he was like so relieved that he could help her. And then she was able to address it. Now, there's many, many reasons why women have pain during sex, but she could go to her gynaecologist. She'd go to pelvic four physical therapist.

It could be vaginism, it could be vulva dinia. I've done tons of podcasts on pain and sex. So that's number one. she might be avoiding intimacy because she's having pain. Number two, she's avoiding intimacy because she's not enjoying the sex she's been having. Sex hasn't been enjoying enjoyable for her. She's never had an orgasm. She doesn't really know how to get aroused.

She doesn't really know what feels good to her. A lot of times it feels like a chore. So she's not really been enjoying the sex she's having. Another reason, there could be a change in her mental or physical health. Maybe she started taking a medication that's affecting her libido. maybe she's on an antidepressant, a blood thinner, the birth control pill. All of these things can impact women's ability to want sex, okay? Maybe there's some resentments in your relationship.

Maybe there's stuff that's built up over time and she's just felt like she feels disconnected from you. Maybe she feels like you guys haven't had fun date nights and she hasn't felt that you've had, you know, connections and conversations that make her feel most connected to you. You know, there's so many things that go into arousal and connection. And maybe she just wants a really great, like, night with you, like, doing the things you used to do when you first got together, you know? Maybe he used to go to movies and talk about the movies together after and you'd have a great night out and she loved your conversation.

Or maybe there's ways she wants you to be helping around the house more. You know, maybe, like, yeah, there's a lot of things, a lot of things. That's just a few off the top of my head why she might be avoiding intimacy. but the number one thing that you have to do is have a conversation with her and say to her, I love you. I love our relationship. Our intimate life is so precious and important to me. And I would love to get curious with you.

Like let's explore. Let's understand why perhaps you haven't been in the mood for sex lately. Like let's talk about it. Let's toss it out there. Let's figure it out. And then let's figure out ways we can get it so you do feel more. connected to sex, you know? Again, there could be other things. There could be shame. There could be, a lot. So that's just some ways to get you started thinking about it. Okay? Because we don't know.

There's a lot. Someone just said, you know, if there was any Jewish matchmaking services I'd recommend, there is J-Date. All I know is J-Date. That's a Jewish dating app. That's an easy one. I'm going to answer your easy questions first. How's that? What are my ideas to meet people in person? Okay, this is from Josh. He says, I'm trying to get off the dating apps and do more. in-person events. Classes, workshops, dances, sports, speed dating, using event bright, meetup, plura to attend in-person events. What are your ideas? Oh, wow, Josh, you just name so many ideas. Those are great ideas about how to meet someone in person. I mean, I would say that definitely choose doing the things that you already love doing. Like, what do you love doing? Do more of that.

Okay. So hopefully you are enjoying these things you're doing, but like take a class, a workout, class, just any kind of like, you know, I don't know, cooking class, a wine tasting. The other thing is, I said this earlier, but let everyone you know, tell them all that you're single and you're ready to be fixed up. The next thing you do is you say yes to anything you get invited to. I don't care if it's like the opening of your friend's garage. I don't care if it's the opening of or it's some like pot luck for those weird neighbors down the street that you're not that into. Just go and say yes. Because when we put ourselves, we take ourselves outside of our comfort zones and we're just like, hell, fuck it. I'm going to go say yes to this

thing. That's how we meet people. Go to parties even alone. I'm going to a party tomorrow night where I think it's a lot of couples and Saturday night. And it's kind of a dady thing. I can tell it's a lot of couples, a lot of married people. And I'm going alone. I'm going single. And I love that. I love going to party single. I love showing up alone. I love knowing nobody in the room. That's just kind of me, but I know not ever.

Some people have a lot of social anxiety around that. But for me, like, I love being free. It's not going to stop me that I don't have a date for this party or that there's no one going with me. I'm just going to go and I'm going to meet new people. Maybe some of those couples have a friend to fix me up with, right? So I think it's about making our world bigger and not smaller. It's not about avoiding things.

It's not about like staying. home and isolating, which by the way, I've been there. I've gone through an isolation phase where I do not go out. I haven't seen, don't see friends. It's really comfortable at my house watching TV. Like, I'm exhausted after work. And I have gone through a period where I wasn't meeting new people. And that wasn't like me. And it starts to bum me out and it starts to get, you know, affects my mood. And then it gets harder and harder to go out. Anyone notice that that actually going out and putting yourself out there is another kind of muscle that gets sort of, that afterfees over time. And so I too have been saying yes to things that I haven't wanted to do just so I can

meet more people and just more friends, more. And every time I go out, I'm inspired for my work. I'm inspired for my life. Like it's life giving. And I know some of us are ex-interverts too. So again, taking a class, doing things that you would already do are some great ways for you to meet some people. But Josh, I love that you're doing all those things. Sounds like you're doing it all. And then it doesn't matter of making friends in those spaces, right? And then say, hey, would you like to hang out? Would you like to do something new? Would you like to, you know, hey, let's go to this thing. It doesn't have to be so heavy. I think we make it really, really heavy. It doesn't have to be. Okay. Hello, Emily. Me and my husband are trying to find a

woman for me to have a friend with benefits. He would like to watch me have sex, but we both agree he is not to have any contact with her except for the friend's part. How do we go about finding someone very discreetly? I'm a professional and I don't want to share that part of my life with my current life. Is there a wrong way to go into this thing's wrap? Okay, so you're and your husband trying to find a woman, so a man, woman, trying to find a third, a unicorn, as we call it. So luckily, we are in this day and age where there are some actually great websites and sites and apps that are just built for this. I highly recommend field F-E-E-E-L-D.

It's an app where you can set it up so you can find a third. A lot of people have had success on there. You can be anonymous. You don't have to show your face. You can say that you're, you use discretion on this app. So I think that's where a lot of people are going. There's one called three fun, three, F-U-N. And then there's also you guys, Tinder and Bumble and her, it says.

there's also places on there, like there's sections on the dating apps where you can say, like, I'm in a relationship looking for a third. So they might be some places to go. Another thing is, look in your community and they Google, like, dating apps or play parties near me or ethical non-monogamy in my area. You might find there's a sex toy shop that has classes. There might be play parties. There might be like, like-minded people in your area.

Like, look for meetups. That might sound like crazy or whatever, but there are people in. in your community. Listen, you are not the only one looking for a third. And so now that you even just put it out here tonight, I'll bet you're going to be like, have that energy flowing that you're going to find people that are going to help you find a third. And you ask me to what's the wrong way to go about it? Okay, here's the wrong way to go about it. Number one, do it with a friend. Do it with your wife's best friend. Do it with your neighbor. Do it with someone from the office. No. Best thing to do is to avoid anybody that you're going to have to see again. Okay.

So that's one number one. The second thing is to find a third, but not to have boundaries, is to find a third and not talk about, is there kissing involved? Is there penetration? Is there, is there, do we exchange first and last names? Is there a sleepover? Do we see each other again? Is this a one-off?

Is there a discretion? So, so I would say, like, rather than just setting up the date, like have a face time with them, have a meet in person. In fact, I was talking to a couple friends of mine the other night and they're like, oh, we're going to, we're going to go to. cocktails with this woman we might have a threesome with. They're not having the threesome that night. They're just going to meet her for cocktails. I think it was her for coffee to see if there's a match. Just like dating, we don't know right away if we want to jump into bed with somebody.

So like treat it like a date. Treat it like an interview. Like, is there a vibe? Is there chemistry? Do we want to sleep with each other? Are we people that we want to be in a relationship with? So those are some do's and don'ts for finding a third in a relationship. Keep me posted and let me know how it goes. Okay. Someone just asked me, does delay spray actually work? So delay spray is when you have a penis and you ejaculate before you want to, you want to know if these delay sprays work. And I highly recommend promescent. So what happens is you spray it on your penis and you wait a little bit and then you will notice it will last longer. And so it has ingredients that will help kind of delay or numb some of the sensations, but not too much sensation that doesn't feel good.

And I've been talking about Promescent for 12 years. I was one of the early adopters of Prometent and that helped them launch a company many years ago. And they've had wild success. A lot of you love Promeson. So check that out. I've been talking about them for a year. So that's what I recommend. I don't have a penis. I can't say I used it, but I've had partners use it. I've had friends use it. I've had listeners use it. And they love permissent. So check that one out. Someone else asked, how often do you masturbate average for a woman? Again, I don't love like giving you like you should masturbate 3.2 times a week because that puts a lot of pressure on people that they're falling behind. But I think that masturbation is a really

important part of keeping our sexual energy going. And if you're somebody who feels like maybe you haven't had a lot of desire lately, you haven't felt turned on or rouse in your body, that the more you masturbate, the more you get comfortable with it, you give yourself an orgasm, the more you're going to want to have an orgasm, and the more connected to your body you're going to feel. So there's really nothing wrong with masturbating every single day. I find the more often I masturbate, the more in touch I am, the more sexual I feel, the more like connected to my body I feel. And remember that orgasms are good for you. Orgasms help boost your serotonin, your dopamine, their natural, like help with our natural pain receptors. And so orgasms help with all of that.

Like, they are good for our mental health. So huge fan of orgasms for all. If you give yourself an orgasm, will you have just as strong of an orgasm that same night with your husband? Again, I don't know your body. I don't know what makes you feel good, but I think that it's maybe you could edge yourself before and not let yourself go over. So let's talk about edging for a minute. So edging is for men and for women and it's the process of bringing your arousal up to a certain point. Like so 10 is I just had an orgasm and one is I am not aroused at all. I'm sleeping or I'm doing my taxes. We want to work somewhere in the middle. So this is the point of edging is when you masturbate until you're about to go over and have an orgasm. But you don't. You bring yourself back down again. You're like, I'm about to orgasm.

And then you breathe and then you take your hands away and then you come back down again. And then you build it back up again. You start touching yourself up. You're building the arousal, building the arousal up to your body. And then you're about to go over and then you bring it back down again. And this practice of edging of going up and down the spectrum of your erotic energy is allowing you to prime yourself for that connection with your partner later in the evening with your husband. So I say, I say, why not edge yourself instead of having that big orgasm? So when you're with your husband that night, you'll be like, I'm so ready to go. I have been planning this all day. I have been waiting for this moment. So that's what I'm. I'm

I recommend for a little bit of edging. So someone just said, does chronic use of marijuana interfere with the female orgasm? Chronic use of marijuana can have an impact on your life. So I think that chronic use or abusing marijuana is not good for many people. Like we've heard, we've all seen this studies and read it like it's diminishing returns. However, in frequent use or just using marijuana for sex, taking an edible or smoking or doing something, I love an edible, can help with blood flow and arousal and getting you in the mood and help with desire. And for a few reasons.

First, it stops a lot of the mind chatter. Like a lot of the information in your head that's like, oh my God, I'm too busy with work. It's sex as a chore. I'm stressed about a million things. If you do smoke a little bit, you'll find that it just sort of lowers your, could kind of calm your nervous system and it enhances sensations. So it's quieting the chatter and it allows you to feel more in your body. So you've got a little bit more blood flow sometimes and then you start to really feel more sensations and you can be more present with your partner and you

might find that like touch feels better and you might find yourself being more roused. So yes, for many, many people, cannabis can be helpful, but chronic use of cannabis, again, might, you might not have the same impact. It might dim your arousal and your ability to orgasm. Long time listener from Australia. I'm going to read this because it feels good. I truly believe your communication techniques and advice have built such a strong foundation for my partner and I. And we love you, Emily. Oh, I love you. I love you in Australia. Thank you for saying that. Thanks for popping in. That makes me so happy. I'm so glad that my communication and that sector of has helped you have the sex life that you deserve because we all deserve pleasure, y'all.

We all deserve pleasure. We all deserve to have great sex. But leaping back to how I started the show, sex has become a chore for so many of us. It doesn't happen overnight. It was never a chore before. We didn't wake up one day and said, let's make sex boring. It's death by a thousand disconnects, really. You know, it's the mental load.

It's the pressure to perform. It's the constant distractions, you know? We used to touch each other because it felt so good. And now we're just negotiating like, who's too tired? Whose turn is it to initiate? Who wanted sex last time? Why don't you want sex this time? And I don't say any of this with judgment.

I say it was so much compassion because I've seen this of over 20 years doing this work that when desire disappears, it's not because we've fallen out of love. love. It's because we fall in out of presence. It's because we are no longer present with each other. You know, we're no longer seeing each other. We're no longer prioritizing our sex life as as something that was a place of joy, that was a place of connection, that was a place to let go, it was a place of release. It was what made us remember why we fell in love, you know? So, but why? Like, what happened? What happened to all of us that sex became like a chore? Well, I think the mental load, the mental load certainly kills the mood. We have so many tabs open,

like emotional labor, child care, work, screens. When we're running on fumes, I want you to remember this. When you're running on fumes and you're stressed out, arousal shuts down. Remember this. Desire needs space, not stress. There's also mismatch, mismatch desires. We've talked about that a lot. You know, One partner initiates, the other partner complies, we confuse duty with desire. And then over time, resentment replaces curiosity. I should want to do this. I should want to have sex.

What's wrong with me? That is completely killing our turn-ons. We do not want that for our sex life. And that's why I'm coming live with you as often as I can so we can have this conversation together. And so we don't feel alone in our disconnect around sex. we don't feel like we're the only ones who are broken, who aren't feeling connected, who are without love. We're not like part of this sex drought, this sex recession.

Like it's just, it doesn't have to be that way. We just didn't have the right information. We were never told about how our arousal works, how our desire works. We were never told like what we have to do to be in the mood. We were never told what gets in the way of our desire. We were never told. No one told us. And so now we walk around because we don't.

talk about it because we have shame and we think we're the only ones that we just suffer through it. And that's why I want to bring this to light. Like you're not alone. I've had moments where I haven't wanted sex. I've been in relationships where I thought it was a chore. And I built my, I started my career because I decided that I didn't want sex to ever become a chore. I was like, well, that sucks. I hear all these people in long-term relationships who hate their sex life, that will never be me. I'm going to learn. everything that I need to do. So I will always have amazing hot sacks.

Well, guess what? I too got into a long-term relationship. It's happened to me in the past where we got into some challenges and there were resentments and things happened and I had something really bad. And we worked it through because we know how. I know how. We knew how we knew how together. But it happens.

I'm telling you, even I, the expert, had problems where it was a problem. So I'm just saying like it's kind of like getting sick. Like we all get sick. we all get tired. I think a lot of us get depressed. A lot of us get stressed. A lot of us get overwhelmed. A lot of us have sex that we don't want to be having or we don't understand why we don't want to have sex anymore. Like it's part of life. But the difference is when we get sick, we know that we have to go to a doctor. We get sick. We go to the drugstore. We get, you know, we get some medicine. We get sick. We know what to do about it. We stay home from work. But when our sex life gets sick, we don't know what to do about it. We just, We just blame ourselves or we blame our partners or we get depressed or we avoid it or we do everything else we can to avoid it. And so I don't want that to happen to you. I want us to know that we are all in this together so we can have the sex life that we

truly deserve because we all deserve pleasure. So just know that. What percentage of women watch porn? What percentage of men watch porn do I watch porn? Okay, well, I'm going to say that I think that men watch more porn than women. I would say the majority of men watch porn. And I think that women could watch more. I think that what I love in recent years, there's been porn that's actually made by women and for women.

We call it ethical porn, which isn't a hot, sexy name. It just means that it's porn that's made with the performers' rights in mind. They get paid equitably. the porn that's made for women depict scenes that actually turned women on. You know, there's like lots of foreplay and there's stories and there's plots. You're like, I don't want to see you fucking your ski instructor. I want to know how you met your ski instructor. So it's porn that's a little bit more cinematic.

It has more themes. It has, you know, just a little bit more for women. It's bodies like it also shows real bodies, all different body types, all different types of labias, vaginas. all different types of penises, everything. So I think that if you are a woman who's been more looking for porn that hasn't worked for you, you can find some out there. There's also erotica.

I think a lot of women listen to erotica because sometimes we just want to hear it. And so there's some great erotica out there too. So I was talking about how sex sort of becomes a chore and why it becomes a chore. So the first thing I said was the mental load is going to kill our mood. We're stressed. Then we have desire mismatch and sex feels like an obligation. The third reason is performance culture, porn, social media, pop culture. That's all turned sex into performance review.

Everyone's comparing orgasms and bodies and stamina and kink scores. And we're just like, I can't keep up with it. I can't keep up with what it means to have incredible sex. I'm already failing. I'm already falling behind. And there's pressure to be good. And that replaces the permission to feel good. Do you see what I'm going to say that again?

the pressure to be good at sex is replacing the permission to feel good. It's getting in the way of our sex life. Another reason that why sex becomes a chore is because there's disconnection and distraction. We have phones in bed, constant stimulation, no time for actual connection. And I'm going to say this again, sex thrives on presence. we need to be present with our partners, with our arousal, with our desire to actually feel turn on. And most of us are anywhere but here in this present moment.

But I love that you're all here with me tonight. You're here in this present moment so all y'all can leave here shortly and go have some great sex, whether it's with yourself or with a partner. How about that? And then another reason why sex becomes a chore is because of shame and conditioning. Remember the pleasure thieves, stress, trauma, shame. Those are the three things that get in the way of us having the sex life that we want. And shame is a big one. Here are some shame sentences you might have heard. Good girls don't do this. Real men should always want it. So we have all these internalized scripts around gender and our worth that's completely blocking our authentic desire. And that just sucks. So what do we do about this? What do we do about the fact that's sex has become like a chore. Well, first, rebrand sex is a connection, not an obligation. Why do we does not say sex is connection? Shift from we have to have sex to we get to connect.

And remember, sometimes we're talking about sex, but really we're craving intimacy. Focus on pleasure, not performance or frequency. Okay? I'll say that again. Focus on the pleasure you're having during sex, not on how often. Often you're having it and not on your performance. Another thing you can do to make sure that sex is out of chore is to prioritize erotic energy daily. This is huge. Micro moments of sensuality.

So what do I mean by that? Breathing, breathing into your body, breathing into your pelvic floor, moving your bodies in ways that make you feel connected. Touch, flirtation, curiosity. Shit, curiosity is like the sexiest thing on the planet. I mean, I think that we can trade some of our boredom for curiosity. Just get curious. What do you think we can do to keep our sex life interesting?

What do you think we could do to make sure that our sex life isn't a chore? Curiosity. Another thing you can do to make sure it's on a chore is have the pleasure conversation. Ask what turned you on lately? What kind of touch feels good to you right now? I want you to normalize that your desire is going to change because as we've already covered tonight, it's going to impact everybody. update the menu.

Okay? Those are just some things we can do. So thank you everyone for joining me tonight. I love you all. And remember, pleasure is your birthright. Just let me know. Was it good for you? That's it for today's episode.

Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily. And if you love this show, please like, subscribe, and leave a review wherever you get your podcast. And hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something. It usually does. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and X. It's all at Sex with Emily.

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