Sex With Emily - Live With Emily - Stress Is Stealing Your Orgasms

Starting point is 00:00:03 How do we think our sex life is exactly the same year in, year out, decades later? The difference, though, between your workout evolving and your sex evolving is that we don't have information, is that we don't actually get curious about what could we do to evolve our sex life. What could we do to make it different? How can we still feel connected and in love and sexy and get all that good endorphin rush from sex? How do we do that? Do you love your partner, but you secretly want to be? if your sex life is ever going to feel exciting again? I'm Dr. Emily Moore, sex educator and

Starting point is 00:00:38 relationship expert for over 20 years. Okay, this is my 21st year of doing a podcast. And I've decided having real unscripted conversations are the best way to get us all together and help you have the sex life you deserve. You can still download my thousands of other podcasts wherever you listen to podcasts. Remember, sex with Emily is where you turn confusion into clarity and help you build a sex life that actually feels good without shame or judgment. This podcast is where we'll return confusion into clarity and help you build a sex life that actually feels good without shame or judgment where I get to hear from you all, what's really happening in your bedrooms.

Starting point is 00:01:17 We talk about why sex starts to feel stale, how to keep it hot in long-term relationship, and what actually makes desire come back. We dive into the myths that kill attraction, how to talk about what you want. want without making it awkward, when to plan sex instead of waiting for it and how to explore new things, from toys and lube to changing where, how, and why you have sex. This is about turning routine into curiosity and obligation into pleasure. This episode was recorded live across my social platforms, all at sex with Emily, which means you'll hear real questions, real interaction, and unscripted conversations with the community. You might note,

Starting point is 00:02:00 a slightly different flow or pacing, well, that's the energy of a live conversation. Also, remember, I've thousands of useful articles, guides, and tools to support you wherever you're at, all at sex withemly.com. And make sure you're signed up for my newsletter. Honestly, people tell me all the time, I get really good newsletter. You can also join SmartSX. My community at sex withemly.com slash smartsX for deeper conversations, live coaching, and community support. shop my favorite expert approved products at shop sex withemly.com and follow me everywhere on social at Sex With Emily. And remember, share this episode with someone you think would benefit from it. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

Starting point is 00:02:43 I actually just saw a question come in and let's get into it. So the question is, I'm married my husband. Some, Ali. I'm so in love, but we rarely have sex. Is that worrying we're very in love and just very busy, I think? Okay. So here's the thing. about the question, how often should we be having sex? People are looking for a number. In fact,

Starting point is 00:03:17 people are always saying, give me a number. Is it once a week? Is it twice a week? Is it once a month? Are we okay? So, Ellie, I want to say to you, are you and your husband okay with it? If you're both okay with not having sex and everything else in the relationship is fine, then I don't see a problem. However, in a lot of these situations, I actually see that usually one person does want sex more often than the other. And then that's when we have to do some troubleshooting. If you're married and you love and everything's great, but you're never having sex, do you still feel like you're connecting enough? Do you still feel close enough? Are you getting your needs met?

Starting point is 00:03:58 That's the thing about sex is that we think about sex, right? The act of sex, body parts rubbing together, people having orgasms. Is it a sex act? But I love when we center sex, we don't center it on penetration, but we just center on sex. And that could mean connection. That could mean communication. It can mean a lot of different things. So anyway, Ellie, I'm not worried if you're not worried.

Starting point is 00:04:25 You said we're in love, but we're just busy. I would say this is also a great time to talk to your partner. Talk to your husband. Go out, date night, hang out. I know a lot of people when I say date night, they're like, we don't have date night. whatever you do when you're feeling connected and say, I realize we haven't really talked about our sex life in a while. I don't feel like we've been in a sexual. Is everything cool? How are we doing? We're doing okay. Is there anything that we need right now? I highly recommend that couples do something that I call

Starting point is 00:04:51 a sexual state of the union where you have this maybe once a week, once a month where you sit down and you're like, how are we doing? Are we fulfilling each other's needs? Are we happy? Is there anything we want to try? Should we listen to a sex with Emily podcast together. A lot of couples over the years have used my podcast as a tool to help them have the conversations that aren't always easy to have on their own. And so you'll listen to my podcast and it was like, oh, what about that? We've never tried dirty talk or we've never tried anal sex or whatever it is that comes up. It's a little bit fodder for your relationship. So that's what I think there, Ali. I'd say have a conversation, but everything seems okay if you're okay.

Starting point is 00:05:35 Here's a question I got. What do you do if your sex, mutual masturbation together is very good and you know what turns your partner on, but she is nervous to be vocal about it during play. Should you accept that she is shy or keep encouraging her slowly to try to be more open about what turns her own? Okay, so this is a great question. How do we get our partner to communicate with us about what they actually need and they want? There's a few reasons first. Let me tell you why our partners don't communicate about sex. Number one, there's a lot of embarrassment around it.

Starting point is 00:06:11 There's shame around it. No one's ever talked about sex before in a way that no one's ever asked them about their sex life probably. She might not have seen a lot of great healthy examples of people talking about sex. So that's one reason why she might not be talking to. The second reason she's not talking to is she might not actually know what she wants. It's very common that we have sex, we have partners, we like the sex we're having, but we don't really know how to say what we want more of or what we would change,

Starting point is 00:06:43 what we like, what we don't like. It's just not something we know. So I would say, and the third point is it's a practice. Talking about sex is a practice and a skill set, just like having sex is a skill set. And so if she's nervous, the question is, you know, that his partner is nervous about being vocal about it during play. And so I would have a conversation with her outside the bedroom and say, like, let's talk about what you're into. I'd love to know what you're into and what turned you on. And then you said she's not vocal about it during play.

Starting point is 00:07:20 Okay, so you also might be talking about the fact that she's not dirty talking or she's not, you know, talking to you during sex. another skill set. Like a lot of people are like, my partner wants me to talk during sex. I don't know what the hell to say. Again, because we're afraid our voice is going to sound weird, that we're going to say something embarrassing, that we're not going to say the right thing, and then we just don't do it.

Starting point is 00:07:42 So my other tip for that, if you're someone who's like, I really do want to talk to my partner during sex, but I don't know what to do, practice. Practice when you're in the shower. Practice when you're in the mirror. Practice when you're masturbating. Like practice making sounds. Practice making sounds that are commensurate with,

Starting point is 00:07:57 the actual experience you're having. So if you're touching yourself and you're masturbating and you want to moan or you want to say something, allow that to happen. This is all what it is. It's all practice practicing, practicing, practicing. That is a great question though, because I feel like it comes up all the time. Someone else says, can you tell me if that happens in couples? Listen, I'm going to tell you the truth. I'm going to lay it down for you. Most couples do not talk about sex in a way that gives them more pleasure, more connection, better sex that actually improves their sex life. Majority conversations with couples go something like, when are we having sex?

Starting point is 00:08:37 We haven't had sex in a while. Will you go down to me? You haven't gone down to me. It's usually just around like very specific requests or acts. It's never about like, what could we do to be wonderful lovers to each other? How could we, you know, talk in a way or how could we learn to? to communicate and share things and try new things because sex is fun. Remember when sex is fun?

Starting point is 00:09:01 Let's listen to a podcast together, read a book together, try some toys together. So I just want to say I'm so glad that you're all here. So when you ask if this happened in most couples, I'd say most things happen in most couples and most things that happen with couples can be solved, changed, evolved, if they got better and more comfortable communicating about their sex life often. It is not a one-time conversation. it's an ongoing conversation, just like you talk about how you're going to raise the kids and what you're having for dinner and where you're going on your summer vacation.

Starting point is 00:09:32 Talking about sex is actually fun. Talking about sex is something that you'll learn to appreciate and enjoy in your relationship. Once you just get over that hump of like it's going to be awkward, I'd rather do anything else. It's the worst thing. My partner's going to hate me, blah, blah, blah. Your partners doesn't want to talk about it either. This is why you even talked about it, but it's only because they don't have the practice talking about it. Someone else said married for 30 years and they never have sex. Yeah, you know,

Starting point is 00:09:58 it happens in relationships. We put a lot of pressure on that sex should always be really frequent, really amazing, and like who set these standards and rules? I have found in my 20 years of talking to people and, you know, millions of people over the years is that in most relationships over the honeymoon phase, when you get past the honeymoon phase, there's going to be some kind of challenge with your sex life. It's not going to be as frequent as you want. It's not going to be what you need. So yeah, I would say that it's really, really common. But also just because it's common, again, doesn't mean that it's a place that you have to live in. It also means that, well, if it's not serving you and you want to, you want more connection with your partner, then you get to

Starting point is 00:10:39 talk about it and you get to say, your partner, hey, let's figure out ways that we can connect more, that we can, you know, communicate better, that we can find intimacy. Because even after, 30 years, maybe it's not the same old in and out. Like, what else? I don't do the same exercise I was doing 10 years ago. I'm not a runner anymore. I'm not going to run. It hurts my knees. It's not great for you. Everyone knows that running's bad for you now. Sorry if you're a runner. I used to run marathons. I don't run. I do different things now. Why do we think our sex life is exactly the same year in, year out, decades later. The difference, though, between your workout evolving and your sex evolving is that we don't have information is that we don't actually get curious about.

Starting point is 00:11:21 what could we do to evolve our sex life? What could we do to make it different? How can we still feel connected and in love and sexy and get all that good endorphin rush from sex? How do we do that? What do we do that's different? And so that's what I'm here to talk to you about. How do you make it different? How do you spice it up? How do you keep an interesting year after year after year? So if anyone has questions about that, anything specific you can ask me. But I can tell you that, number one, it starts with communication because communication is a lubrication. I don't think I've said that to you yet today. So, you know, I love saying that.

Starting point is 00:11:57 I love that. It's actually true. It's actually true that the more we talk about sex, the better sex we're going to have. So getting through that. And then maybe you could start with let's talk about the three most memorable times we've had sex. Let's each write them down with each other, not with anyone else because then that gets awkward and jealous. But how about what are the three? times that we've been together where sex was amazing. And then you look at those lists and you're

Starting point is 00:12:23 like, what did we learn from this? Okay, it was when we had a babysitter or it was when we were at a town or it was when that night we had that really fun date night ahead of time. You know, we have to think about what we actually know about what works for us and what doesn't. So that's a great place to start. You could also think about exploring your fantasies together. You can again go to my website, sec withemly.com. I have a bazillion blog post that I have a bazillion blog post that I are all about articles that are all about different ways to keep it out and interesting. The most thing is just getting on the same page that you want to. You know, hopefully you're with a partner who wants to please you, who wants to be a great

Starting point is 00:13:03 lover to you, and who also has a growth mindset around sex. So that would be the best place to start. Because this keeps coming up, these like sex myths, you've probably heard this before. Like men want more sex than women or good sex should just happen naturally. if you need a lube, there's a problem. Here's the truth that most of what we've heard about sex actually isn't even true at all. It's cultural conditioning. It's what we've learned in our culture.

Starting point is 00:13:35 It's not the science. And when we believe these myths, it's how we show up in bed. So we're showing up in bed, believing all of these myths because, again, no one taught us, no one talked to us about it. And it's how we show up in bed. It's how we communicate. and how we feel about our bodies and it also is what we feel we deserve. We're like, well, this is how, you know, sex happens.

Starting point is 00:13:57 So I just deserve it not to be great or not to talk about it or I'm just going to silently suffer through it. So today we're going to unlearn some of the myths that's holding us back from having the sex life that we deserve, sex that's more connected and curious and real. So here's some myths we can bust together. Women should orgasm from penetration alone. Okay, that's what I'm like my fear. If I could buy a billboard, someone said, Emily, you can have a billboard and you can put anything

Starting point is 00:14:23 you want to put on it. I'd probably say women should, women should, women cannot orgasm from penetration alone. You know, it's like it doesn't work. Most women require clitoral stimulation. That's not going to happen with anything to do with your penis. Okay. So I think that's just a really important myth for us to clear off the top. I know that some women do, and that's amazing. I'm so happy for you, but it's only about 20% of women. So it takes a little bit of more foreplay, oral sex, toys, lubrication, a bunch of other things. But that's not where it is going to happen. So then we've got men always want sex and should always be ready to go. And this is where the pressure comes to men. They're like, I guess I should always want sex. Is everyone always

Starting point is 00:15:07 want sex? You know, men are not robots. They can't always be going all the time. Like they got stressed too. They got things going on in their life. So many things impact our, sex life, like stress, hormones, relationships. They affect men too. So if he says to you not tonight, doesn't mean he's broken. And if she says not tonight, doesn't mean she's broken either. So those are just a few of those myths. Okay. So Annie asks, how do you navigate having a chronic illness and your partner not wanting to do all the work during intimacy, but you being limited by how you feel physically? Well, this Annie sounds like, first, I'm sorry that you're having chronic illness or chronic pain.

Starting point is 00:15:47 And this sounds like a whole challenge that you guys are having right now because you actually can't physically do what you were able to do before and your partner's not wanting to do all the work. I'm wondering if there's other ways that you guys could find, like what I was just talking about, like other ways to have sex. Are there toys you could use? Are there, you know, I love a toy. I mean, to me, a toy, you know that you can both get off.

Starting point is 00:16:13 You don't have to do as much work. And our bodies are all covered in nerve endings that feel incredible when we use a vibrator with them. So I would recommend talking to your partner and letting them know, too, that you understand that they're having to do all of the work, but also like where you're at. I just think that it might just be an oversight. Well, first I want to say, I'm glad that you're still trying to have sex and connect intimately. but it sounds like with this new situation, with this condition, with your illness, there just has to be a reworking of what does intimacy look like your relationship. And I want to say this, chronic illness or not, we all have to look at, often reexamine what intimacy looks like in our

Starting point is 00:16:58 relationships because it's not always the same. Things do happen. You know, we have illnesses, we get sick, we get pregnant, we have a kid, we have something happens, we have cancer, something, and it impacts our sex life all the time. But we still think it's, should be the same as it was before. And so that is just, you know, something to work on in your relationship. But I would say talking about it, agreeing that you both want to find a solution to it, and then going from there. I'm just going to answer this because it's easy, is squirt P. So when someone squirts, there are traces of urine from the urethra. It is true. And there are some traces. That's it. But it's not all P. But there is some P. And also, I say, who cares? Throw it out a blanket. If it feels

Starting point is 00:17:41 good, that's great. But you don't want to be pressuring your partner into peeing either. I feel like there's so much talk I covered this last week. There's so much talk girl. I'm like squirting and my partner should squirt and I want to squirt. It's kind of like if your partner wants to, I guess so. But it just because someone squirts doesn't mean it's the most pleasurable or they're having an orgasm. It might feel really wonderful like a release. But I think a lot of men probably equate to like it's the same exact thing as an orgasm. And it's for some it is. For some it is. someone says if you could count the multiple times women had this conversation with one another, probably we have a lot of conversations with each other. I think that men also have to have these conversations with each other as well. I don't know if you guys were talking about like, well, last night, I couldn't really get hard or I wasn't really in the mood or I wanted this thing to happen. I just think if guys talked about it more too, we'd be in a different place. I think we have to all talk about it. Okay. We all need to talk more about it. All right, let's get into some more myths here. This is a great myth that we're going to bust. Good sex. is spontaneous, not planned. Sex should always be spontaneous. First off, in the beginning of

Starting point is 00:18:45 relationships, yes, sex is mostly spontaneous. A lot of times it is because you can't wait to rib each other's clothes off because it's a new relationship and all those feel-good hormones are raging. It's the most delicious cocktail of hormones, like the oxytocin and the dopamine, the serotonin, and just are like having sex all the time. And it's amazing. But after a while, sex isn't as spontaneous. You might have to plan for it. In fact, I find the couples that plan for sex have more sex and more satisfying sex because they know when the sex is going to happen. And then they can think about it.

Starting point is 00:19:20 Like, I know it's Saturday night and I know what we're going to do. And I know it's going to be hot. So, and then you can think about it. Like, what do I want to wear? What do I want to say? Yeah, what's that said? For a lot of people, that feels like planning makes it less exciting. And I'm sure they'd rather plan it than not have it happen all.

Starting point is 00:19:35 My next point, exactly. wouldn't you rather plan the sex than just keep waiting around and for the sex to happen? So plan it. Know that it's going to happen. And then you can move on to something else. It's also better than that rejection if your partner is constantly initiating sex. Like usually there's one person that is initiating more. And then the other partner might be saying no.

Starting point is 00:19:58 And then that happens a few nights in a row. And you're like, oh, God, I feel bad that my partner is rejecting me. And then I feel bad because I'm rejecting them. and that becomes a whole mess. But if you know that, like, Saturday night is a night that you are having sex, then it saves a lot of strife in their relationship. And yes, and mystery says anticipation is lovely. That's the thing.

Starting point is 00:20:18 Anticipation is probably one of the most exciting parts about sex. When you're excited to see your partner and you haven't seen them in a while. And you have that buildup and you get to plan together. What should we do? What should we try? Where should we have sex? I mean, when you plan a great date night out, you plan what movie you're going to see or you know, we're going to go to dinner and you look at the menu ahead of time.

Starting point is 00:20:38 You're still excited to go to that restaurant and eat that meal. So why wouldn't we be excited if we also planned our sex, right? I mean, I'm not saying every move, like, I'm going to kiss you and then you're going to kiss me and then you're going to go down to me. I mean, you could do that. But also just like, what kind of sex do we want to be having? What should we be doing? You know, let's get inspired. Right.

Starting point is 00:20:58 So I feel like that's, you know, something to think about, something to think about. Another myth is that orgasms are the ultimate goal of sex. Orgasms are great, but sex is a whole entire menu. It's not just the dessert. So we don't want to skip the appetizers. I know that orgasms are the focus of sex, and I spent a lot of time talking to you about orgasms in my career. But I also found when we make orgasms the entire thing,

Starting point is 00:21:29 we're missing so much of the connection and the curiosity and the exploration and the depth, would it just like, I'm going to get off, you're going to get off. So it is a myth that orgasms are the ultimate goal. I'll be right back after a quick break for our sponsors. So just stick around. Okay, let's be real. Confidence is sexy in and out of the bedroom.

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Starting point is 00:23:20 Someone else said, a myth here? You should know what your partner wants without even talking about it. Okay, so we're all mind readers now? That's a myth. I mean, if silence and bed work, I would be out of a job, truly. Like, if you are all like communicating in bed silently and that was working like, I would have no job. I would probably be doing something else.

Starting point is 00:23:43 I don't know what I would do. But communication is the real affidisiac, okay? Communication, your partner doesn't know what you want without talking. And even if you hear the other, want to hear another thing, a catch to that, that even if you told your partner once, it doesn't mean they know. It doesn't mean they listen. It doesn't mean they even know how to do it. It doesn't even mean they understood what you were asking for.

Starting point is 00:24:07 every time we learn something new, a new habit, a new skill. It takes practice. It takes communication. And so just because one time in passing you said to your partner, hey, I want to try the they might be like, yeah, okay, gotcha. But they might not know what it is, how to do it. So again, reminders, having a sexual state of the union, talking to your partner often about sex is fun.

Starting point is 00:24:31 I'm going to convince you all that sex is talking about sex is fun. Like eventually you're going to make, oh, you're right. it actually is fun we actually enjoy it we text about it we talk about it it's not weird it's not awkward it's just amazing because i think that's what you want right pam says i'm pregs hi am i'm pregs i'm very up to have sex but i feel like my husband isn't he always initiates and he hasn't at all for months and we did have sex he wasn't as erect as much so i don't know help okay so congratulations by the way i'm being pregnant and having a baby that's really exciting and so this is another case where your sex life has shifted a little bit. What's available for your

Starting point is 00:25:10 sex life has shifted? And clearly there's something that has shifted with your husband. And again, this is a conversation just casually outside the bedroom. Remember timing turf and tone, a time when you are not halt, hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Your tone is chill and curious and compassionate. And your turf is outside the bedroom. And you just say, hey, babe, I've noticed like, I'm, you know, that lately I've been really wanting to have sex, but I've noticed that it seems like you typically initiated and now I've noticed there's less initiation. Anything going on? You want to talk about it? Because maybe there's some fears around, you know, hurting the baby. I've heard this a lot. Maybe there's some fears around hurting you or thinking you don't really want it. I mean, this is just

Starting point is 00:25:57 time to get clear because I can't imagine that, you know, he's thinking you don't notice or you don't recognize it, you know? So I would just have a conversation with him and find, out so you don't get into your head and worry about it, you know. So I think that you have to really just make sure that you are communicating about it because it doesn't feel good. I'm sure in your mind you're like, he's not attracted to me or I did something wrong. You know, before we get clarity about situations with people, we tend to fill in the space, fill in the blanks with a lot worried thoughts that are typically not even what's going on. I mean, I do that all the time. I do that with friends or people. I'm out. And I'm like, did I say this thing wrong? Were they mad at that?

Starting point is 00:26:39 You'd probably do that. So if you do that, you know that most of the time it doesn't come out, amount to anything. And so I would say that your partner is still, you know, this would be a great conversation to have with them. Someone said, Yogi said, I, sometimes they feel awkward and gross during sex. Is that normal? Yeah, that's also really normal. It's really normal to feel really uncomfortable during sex? And I'm curious, is it something, well, first, my first thing that comes up for me is where else do you feel awkward and gross? Like, do you not feel awkward and gross at other times? Is it only during sex? And then if it's only during sex, I'd love to take a little bit more of your sexual history and find out, you know, what has been

Starting point is 00:27:22 your experience sexually? What messages were you given around sex growing up? Were you told that sex was wrong or shameful or you shouldn't be having sex. How do you feel in your body right now? Did someone else shame you for your body before? So usually it's a lot of factors can come into play if you feel gross during sex, but I don't want you to feel gross during sex. Obviously, I don't want that for you. So I'd love you to kind of get curious about the messages you have around sex. And if you're comfortable with a solo sex practice, how do you feel about masturbation when you're pleasing yourself because the masturbation is a wonderful way to sort of practice your own arousal, your own touch, finding out what actually feels good to you. That's where a lot of the magic

Starting point is 00:28:10 happens is during solo times. So is there a way you could learn to get into your body, have some masturbation time, and learn to associate sex with pleasure rather than with feeling gross and awkward? That's your homework assignment. Someone else said, what if there's an early ejaculation problem? Early ejaculation is also a problem, a common challenge for many men. And there's a lot we could do with that. There is the method of, well, first, it can happen because we are having anxiety. Maybe it happened to us once before, twice, when we first started having sex and now it happens every single time.

Starting point is 00:28:53 Sometimes we're just used to having sex in a certain way. or we get, you know, usually it's an anxiety thing or it's a habitual thing that's happened. I talk about doing the stop-start method where you stop and so you masturbate. Let's say 10 is the orgasm. One is sleeping. You're not aroused. 10, you're really aroused. One, you're not.

Starting point is 00:29:16 Well, then you masturbate, if you are in an early ejaculator, you masturbate until you get to like an 8 or 9 and you feel like you're about to have an orgasm and then you bring yourself back down again. and then you start bringing yourself up again and then you bring it back down. And this way you are training yourself and understanding your ejacatory control so you don't go over and have the orgasm. So that's a way to practice and also strengthen your pelvic floor muscles. The third thing you can do is to, or the third reason or third thing you to work on is try promescent.

Starting point is 00:29:50 Promescent is a quickly absorbing delay spray that you can use about 10 to 15 minutes before. or you have penetrative sex or any kind of sex, and it will delay orgasm. And men who've used it have said that their orgasm, that they lasted like 70% longer in bed. I've worked with Promescent for probably over a decade, and that's the only one that I recommend. People love it. They're like obsessed with it. Just this continuing about yogi who is feeling a little awkward and gross, she said, sometimes I'm really into it, and other times I think I get into my head.

Starting point is 00:30:22 I do enjoy masturbation. There's so much I could say to those questions, but thank you. so much. I got you, Yogi. I'm here for you. Yeah, we all get into our heads during sex, right? We get into our heads. We're worried. Isn't it funny that it's this one thing that's just to be like super pleasurable and exciting? And we're so excited about it, but we're in our head. And we're worried about how we look and how we feel and how we sound. And that's also practice. So the practice of learning to be in our bodies, to learning to like take a few deep breaths and say, what am I actually feeling in this moment right now? Okay, I'm feeling pleasure.

Starting point is 00:30:56 I'm feeling touch. You know, I love to think about the senses. You can think about the five senses. Like, what am I smelling right now? Whenever we think about our, whenever we do a loop of our senses, it'll be ground us in the immediate moment. So you might say,

Starting point is 00:31:09 oh, I'm smelling this candle, this vanilla candle, or what am I touching my hands or my partner's body? Like whenever I teach that, and I do that too, it helps bring me back to the present moment. Yeah, someone else said,

Starting point is 00:31:20 Kegel exercises work. Yes. I didn't even mention that when we were talking about early ejaculation. Your pelvic floor muscles are the muscles that are responsible for orgasm, and everybody can do kegle exercises. That's the practice of stopping and starting the flow of urine. But in the process, like if you're like, oh, I'm going to stop right now and do keggle, that's the practice. That's the practice of strength in your pelvic floor muscles.

Starting point is 00:31:45 And kegles really, really help. So I'm telling you that can help with everything, and you have to do it regularly. But just like going to the gym, we have to work out all of our muscles. They all deserve it. They do. Someone asked, how could I help with my lady to get into the mood because she's stressed? Okay. So I'll remind you of the pleasure thieves, stress, trauma, and shame.

Starting point is 00:32:09 Those are the three pleasure thieves. And that's what gets in the way of us having the sex life that we deserve, that we want, that we crave. And stress is a huge one. When we have a spike in cortisol, we have a drop in libido. You can't have a spike in cortisol and also feel authentic arousal in your body. And so if your lady is stressed, what do you think she needs to feel more calm? Does she need a massage? Does she want to go on vacation?

Starting point is 00:32:40 Does she need dinner? Does she want you to make plans? Help around the house. Take her somewhere she loves going. I mean, remember, sex is not just about the actual act of sex. And in fact, just saying she's going to get in the mood, I'm going to get her in the mood. I often say like foreplay all day. Like it's not just about that moment, that act.

Starting point is 00:32:59 What does your partner need from you? Not just tonight, but what does she need from you regularly? So she feels less stress, more in her body. I mean, listen, a lot of us have stress and it doesn't matter what anyone we could have the best partners in the world and we're still going to feel stressed, okay? So that's an inside job. We all have to work on our stress. I think we all have more stress and anxiety than we want to.

Starting point is 00:33:22 but, you know, I'm not going to be the first person tell you that going outside and getting good sleep and breathing and doing yoga and drinking a lot of water and doing things that make you feel good are going to help you with your anxiety and stress. This is not anxiety with Emily, but, you know, I could talk about it for days. I'm just saying finding out, like, if you know that she's stressed, what you could do to help her would be amazing. Okay, someone just said what's my top five sex toys and that's like asking me to choose my favorite children and I don't know that I can do that. However, I do have some here, and I'm not going to go on a record saying these are my favorite, but this one that just popped out, this is the Jeju Mimi, and I'm obsessed with this toy. Why I love this toy is because it's such a great vibe.

Starting point is 00:34:07 They used to call these clitoral vibes, but I'm just saying it's a vibe that if you have a body, it will feel good with this. So this, what I love about Jeju products is they have deep, rumbly sensations. You can use them during penetration. You can use them over your clitoris. You can use them on the perineum, my nipples. It's just really compact, and I love the way it feels. That's one. Okay.

Starting point is 00:34:28 What else is in here? Oh, this actually is one that I love too. This is called the We Vibe Melt. This is a suction vibe. This toy is insane, okay? This toy is a great clitoral sucker toy. One of the first, it's called the Melt by We Vibe. I love this one because it has the suction.

Starting point is 00:34:52 I've just used it on my body, so I want to speak for myself. It allows you to access more nerve endings than you would buy a flatter toy. So this could still, so if this was my, right? So this is just a direct like, um, vibration. But this is sucking. So it's like if we talk about the 12,000 nerve endings of the clitoris all around here, it's like sucking nerve and it feels good. So, but both are great. Both are fabulous. Okay. Listen, listen. There's more, but that's another day. I could do an entire show about it. Oh, well, one more. Okay. This is the magic wand. Micro. As you know, the magic wand is the oldest vibrator and one of the oldest vibrators. It's like, it's a lot bigger than this. It used to plug into the wall. Now it doesn't. Now they make all different kinds. But this one is a freaking like a little keychain, but this is actually a vibrator. But this is what the magic one looks like. And so I would be remiss if I didn't talk about it.

Starting point is 00:35:48 just came out, but it's like, it just came out, but you might not know about it. But it's still strong and powerful. How freaking cute. All right, everyone. I'm going to do one more myth. Loub is only for older women or a problem. Okay. If you've been listening to me, you know that my dream in life is a lube on every nightstand

Starting point is 00:36:11 because lube enhances every single sexual situation, no matter what your body part, no matter anything, if you, whatever you're, if you're already wet, when you add lube to any sexual situation, especially women, you're more likely to orgasm, no matter what your age. Because our wetness level is not necessarily an indicator of arousal. You could be wet and not turned on. You could be turned on and not wet. So you add lube. It's like a safety. It's like wearing sunblock on a cloudy day. You're like, I could still get some sun. So I'm going to do a preventative measure here. That's the same thing with lube. Use lube. all the time. Okay, everyone, lots of love. That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for

Starting point is 00:36:57 listening to Sex with Emily. And if you love the show, please like, subscribe, and leave a review wherever you get your podcast. And hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something. It usually does. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and X. It's all at Sex With Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at Sex withemly.com. for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure.

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