Sex With Emily - LIVE with Emily - What Nobody Taught You About Dirty Talk

Episode Date: January 27, 2026

You want to talk to your partner about sex. You really do. But every time you try, your throat closes, your chest tightens, and suddenly it feels easier to just… not. You're not bad at communication — your brain is literally wired to treat these conversations like threats. In this live show, Dr. Emily breaks down exactly why sex talks trigger fight-or-flight, how shame keeps us mute in the bedroom, and what to do when you've been together for years and never actually talked about what you want. This episode was recorded LIVE across my social platforms at @sexwithemily — part of a new evolution of the show as we head into my 21st year of the podcast. After over two decades of talking about sex, I've learned that real, unscripted conversations create the deepest breakthroughs. You'll hear real questions, real interaction, and the energy of being LIVE together as we explore how to build a sex life that actually feels good, without shame or judgment. Tune in most Tuesdays and Thursdays at 5 PM PST on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitch all @sexwithemily. In this episode, you'll learn:  • Why your brain treats sex conversations like danger (and how to override it) • How to find your sexual voice and stop cringing when you try to speak up • A husband's honest question about rekindling intimacy after kids More Dr. Emily:  • Shop With Emily! Explore Emily’s favorite toys, pleasure accessories, bedroom essentials, and more — designed to support your pleasure and confidence. Free shipping on orders $99+ (some exclusions apply). • Join the SmartSX Membership: Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. • Interested in 1:1 Coaching with Emily? Reach out to [e-mail] to learn more!  • Sex With Emily Guides: Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides. • The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure • Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website • Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok | Threads | YouTube • Let’s text: Sign up here • Want me to slide into your email inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. This episode is sponsored by… Timeline Don’t let another year go by feeling less than your best. Grab 30% off your first month of Mitopure Gummies at Timeline.com/emily30 Timestamps: 00:00 - Intro 06:45 - The Clitoris Has 12,000 Nerve Endings (Full Anatomy Explained) 13:20 - How to Talk Dirty Without Feeling Cringey 18:15 - Mutual Masturbation: Why It's a Top Sex Tip 22:40 - Squirting: The Truth vs The Pressure 28:10 - Breaking Down Shame & Performance Anxiety 35:50 - Sex After Kids: Rekindling Intimacy (Live Caller Question) 38:25 - Medications Killing Your Libido (What to Do About It) 40:15 - Finding the Right Sex Therapist (Somatic vs Talk Therapy)

Okay, so what happens if it's awkward? So what? What's going to happen if it's very awkward? Like, you're going to die? You're going to be like what? Like, go through that because you just got to get over that hump to hump more, right? Because that is what happens to us is that we get in the way like, I'm afraid I can't do it, but you can't. Think about all the things you've done that you've never done before that, you know, they all worked out.

Why does asking for what you want in bed feel scarier than talking about money, family, or your biggest fears? Why does one honest sentence about sex? have the power to shut your whole body down. It's not because you're bad at intimacy. It's because sex is where we feel the most exposed. Where rejection and shame and desire all collide. Well, today in Sex with Emily, we're unpacking what's really happening in your brain

and nervous system when intimacy feels just overwhelming and how to stop letting fear run your sex life. Because this episode isn't just about sex. It's about what happens when you finally let yourself be seen. This episode was recorded live across my social platforms all at Sex with Emily, which means you'll hear real questions, real interactions, and unscripted conversations with the community. You might notice a slightly different flow or pacing, and that's the energy of a live conversation. Also, reminder, I have thousands of useful articles, guides, and tools to support you wherever you're at at sex with Emily.com.

And make sure you sign up for my newsletter. Honestly, people tell me all the time I give really good newsletters. join my smartsX community at sex withemly.com slash smartsex for deeper conversations, live coaching, and community support. You can also shop my favorite expert approved products at shop sex with Emily.com and follow me everywhere on social at sex with Emily.

And remember, share this episode with someone you think would benefit from it. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. You know that moment when things are getting really good and then your brain goes, wait, what about the mess? Well, calm and confidential thought about that. Their massage butter, their love towels, and intimate blanket were designed to work together so nothing pulls you out of the moment. The massage butter is rich and silky, made to help you slow down and stay connected in your body.

Their love towels are soft, absorbent and right there when you need them. So you're not jumping out of bed or breaking the mood. And the intimate blanket is waterproof and bed safe, protecting your sheets so you can relax without worrying about laundry or cleanup. When you're safe, space feels supported, your body can relax and intimacy flows easier. Get 15% off your order with my code sex with Emily at checkout on commonconfidential.com. That's code sex with Emily for 15% off at common confidential.com. Today, what I want to talk about is why conversations about sex seem so hard. And I know they are hard and how do we make them easier? Here's the truth. Most people I've found would literally do anything than talk to their partners about sex.

And they're like, they could talk to them about anything pretty much. They're going to talk about how they want to raise the kids and where they want to live and what they like doing and what kind of music they like and they'll talk about everything. But when it comes to sex, people literally shut down. We talk to our friends about our relationships. We talk to our doctors, about our UTIs, you know, but when it comes saying to our partner, hey, can we try this or do you want to try something together or why don't we, you know, talk about our sex life, like our throats, clothes, our body tense, sometimes we go into fight our flight. And there's a lot of reasons for that. If talking about sex feels awkward or scary or just really easier to avoid, you are so not alone.

So today I want to break down why it feels so hard, biologically, emotionally, emotionally, culturally. and I'm going to give you an actual toolkit so these conversations get a lot easier. I love this. Nikki says that her boyfriend and I actually pencil in our sex talk time. It's helped her so much. We've opened dialogue. It's so important and I love that. And I found that in my travels, the reason why I wanted to talk today about why sex conversations feel so hard and I make it easier is because I've been traveling the last few weeks, the last month, I've gone to a bunch of different places.

I went to a eunomonia, the wellness conference in Florida. It was incredible. I told me to get back from Belize. And I kept having these conversations with people who would pull me aside or start talking about what I do. And for many of them, they had shared stories with me about how they were in a certain sexual situation or they wanted something for their partner or there was something going on and they just didn't know how to say it, how to ask for it, and what to do you start. And you all know I've been doing this if you don't for 20 years. And I always say communication is a lubrication. The more we talk about sex, the easier it gets.

But what I found is, yes, Nikki pencils it in and I love that. But for many of us, they say to me, okay, I get that. I get that what you're saying, communication is lubrication, and we're going to talk about sex and da-da-da. But where do I start? How do I do it? We've been together for a while and we've never actually talked about it. Where do I start? So that's what we're going to start today.

So here's what's happening when the sex conversations go on. The biology of it is our brain thinks that we are in danger. So when we talk about sex, our brains register it as vulnerability. So we're revealing desires and fears and insecurities and all things. So the amygdala, the fear center at our brain lights up. So our body's going to enter fight, our flight, our freeze, our fawn. And the pleasure lives in the part of the brain that needs safety. and then our fear just shuts it down.

So pleasure and fear, get this, our pleasure centers where we feel pleasure, and our fear centers are living in the same class of our brain, the amygdala, which is involved in our positive and our negative emotional responses. So the fear, though, trumps our pleasure. So this is why so many of us don't talk about it. We're like, yeah, I want more pleasure.

Yeah, I want better sex. But this part of our brain is shutting us down. So that's just, you know, if you ever felt that your throat closes and your chest tightens before sex talk, that is biology. That is not a failure on your part. I just want you to know that. So it can be challenging. But also, we weren't taught the words.

Like, we grew up in a culture that treats sex as taboo. We don't teach sex education. We tell women not to be too sexual. We tell men they should magically know everything to do. Like men should always be hard and ready and turned on and ready to go. and women should just know how to have pleasure and know how to have orgasms and know how to receive and give. And nobody teaches how to communicate at all.

And most of us learn from porn where people don't talk, they're just performing. So can you see that we've gotten ourselves into a mess here? Into a mess. It really is. The other thing that comes into it is that shame. We got shame. We got performance anxiety. And shame will say if you say what you want, your partner's going to think yet you're broken.

Like if I say to my partner, this is what I need. they're going to judge me. I'm going to think that they're going to think that I'm broken. Performance anxiety says if I bring it up, it means I'm not good enough. So we keep quiet. We let the resentments grow. And sex becomes like just something that's like a silent script instead of a collaboration. I want you all to have sex that feels like a collaboration, that feels like a celebration. That feels like it's not like, is it going to happen? Is it not going to happen? I can't say what I want. I don't even know what I want. I don't even know what's wrong with me. Because for 20 years, I've been here answering all of your questions. And I found that

a lot of them are about this very subject, right? So someone wants to know, how do you talk dirty without sounding cringy? Okay, great question. Talking dirty is a skill set. Nobody just, like, comes out of the womb like, hey, babe, like, you look so hot, like, fuck me harder. Like, we don't, we don't know how to do that. And it's because of all the shame and stuff.

We literally just are mute sometimes during sex. So a great way to learn talking dirty is really finding your own sexual voice. So I always recommend when you're masturbating or you have time alone or you're in the shower, practice what that voice is? Like, what would you say? What do you want more of? When you're touching yourself, make some noise. Like let yourself be heard, whether it's moaning, even just practicing with making noise,

people just don't make noises. And I think that we don't even consciously know that we are shutting ourselves down from because pleasure and making noise is very related. But a lot of us are like, I'm fearful. I don't want anyone to hear me. Or what if it sounds weird? But that's the thing that you're asking me for. Like, how do I talk dirty?

How do I find that authentic voice? So just practice. Practice saying what you want, or you're telling your partner they look hard, or describe something that's happening in the moment. Like, you're only cringy because you're overthinking it and you haven't practiced it. So when Sarah said,

I had to teach my boyfriend everything, he had barely any experience and I have a lot. Okay, that's cool. I'm glad that you're able to teach him. How's that going? You know, I think that that's great that he's able to take, you know, he's able to listen and learn. And also, even if you don't have a lot of experience and you're with a more experienced partner, sometimes that can be intimidating. But I find that if just

being with someone new, you guys get to co-create it together. So even if you don't have a lot of experience, when you practice being super present during sex and focusing on what you're feeling, you know, you can get out of that beginner mindset and really learn how to stay connected to someone. So is mutual masturbation wrong? No, mutual masturbation is one of my top sex steps. I think that mutual masturbation is a really sexy way to, number one, confirm that you're both going to get off, right? Because you're doing yourself and they're doing them, but you're like laying next to each other on the bed or on the couch. Number one, it's guarantee orgasm, pretty much for both of you. Number two, you're actually watching them, like, please himself. So you're learning. Like, oh, I didn't know

that when he uses his hand, he goes up and over the shaft or, you know, the tip of his penis. Or if you're with a woman, you're like, oh, I didn't realize. she uses her fingers this way or she uses this kind of motion with her hands. And so I think if you can, again, a lot of people are like, oh, no, it's shameful or I don't want to make that face and whatever. And we don't want to practice mutual masturbation. But again, I think like all of these things, like what I'm talking about today about talking about sex and masturbating with a partner, it gets easier.

You just do it. You're like, okay, so what happens if it's awkward? Like, so what? What's going to happen if it's very awkward? like you're going to die, you're going to be like what? Like to go through that because you just got to get over that hump to hump more, right? Because that is what happens to us is that we get in the way like, I'm afraid I can't do it, but you can. Think about all the things you've done that you've never done before that, you know, they all worked out.

Top sexy, exciting fun date night ideas. Well, here's one. You can buy a toy that has a remote control that you can control with your phone. And so your partner can put like a vibrator in their pants and you could go to dinner and and you're in charge of the vibrator, and you can vibe them when you go to a party or go to dinner. Maybe I just skip to something that was like you were thinking of like going to a concert, but I just skipped to like putting a sex toy in your pants

and vibing them when you're at a party or at dinner. But I think that there's a lot of fun, exciting date night ideas. The things that make things so fun and exciting, I think, is the build up towards it, like telling your partner, I have something planned and we're going to this place, and this is what you should wear, and kind of making it a secret if you're the one planned, and making it exciting, but I always think it's fun to do something outside. Well, it's winter now,

but so where you can dance, where you can move, where you could, you know, taste different food. What I love is that fun, sexy date ideas is so different for different people, but I like the idea of once a week or once a month when you date night, one person is in charge of it in the relationship. They plan where you're going to dinner, if you're going to music, if you're going to movie, like they're planning the whole thing, and then the other partner the next month is planning it. So it never falls on one person. What is edging? Edging is the point where you are,

or you're having sex or you're masturbating or you're doing something until the point where you are about to have an orgasm where you're about to go over and then you stop and you go back down. So if 10 is you have an orgasm and one is like you're sleeping and you're not aroused, you masturbate until you're getting to like an eight or nine and then you bring it back down again. So you bring yourself up and then you bring it back down. But also edging, edging is basically delaying orgasm.

So you know you're going to orgasm, but you bring it back down again. So the thing is, once you do that a few times, when you actually have an orgasm, it can be more intense, more exciting, and it's a great practice. I'm a fan. To all women squirt, I believe that most women could learn to squirt if they want to squirt, and it's really supplying pressure to the internal clitoral nerves or the G-spot. And I think what I'm feeling lately though is there's a lot of pressure on women to squirt, like their partner, like, you should squirt, you should score it.

And squirt's going to be the best thing ever. And since a lot of women can squirt, it's just a practice like everything. Everything I talk about is basically a practice and a habit, something that you learn new of. I want to remind you that porn is really glorified squirting to be this thing that I think a lot of women want to do or their partners want to do it. But I want to remind you that for women, if they squirt, it's not necessarily an orgasm. You can squirt and have an orgasm and you can squirt without an orgasm. And obviously you can have an orgasm without squirting. But it's not the same thing as when a man ejaculates. So

I just think that it probably feels like it is to see if you have it had done it, like in your mind, if you're a guy, you're like, oh, it probably is this amazing thing and it can be. But again, not a guarantee. Not a guarantee that it's an orgasm, now that it's not about orgasm, but it could be a fun thing to try. Squirting is a turn on. The reason why I'm bringing this up is because I have found that there's some women who just have pressure to squirt and they feel like it's another thing they have to do because their partner's like, that'll be so cool, but they're not feeling it. So, right? So I think it's up to a case by case basis. So if a woman wants to learn to squirt, she could totally do that, but only do it if you want to do it. So someone said, I don't know.

How could I be 36 and just find this out now? But I, I just found out that the clitoris is an entire network. Can you describe that more? Yes, I can. I bet you thought I would never whip out my vulva puppet for you. So the clitoris, I think is it because I just said internal clitorial network. That's not, people don't often say that. So here we are.

The clitoris is where most people think of the clitoris as this little bud that's right above the vaginal opening. But the clitoris actually extends behind here, behind like the labia. The clitoris has legs. So this is like the tip of the clitoris, right? But it goes behind here. So this is the full structure of the clitoris here. Okay.

So this little puppet here is the clitoris. This is the clitoris. So there's internal clitoral nerves, right? So this is just a little bud. But right in here, there's all these nerves. Now people call it the G spot. I believe it's a lot. an internal clitoral network. So that's why I said I feel like for years like,

does she have a G-spot? Does she not? These are all clitoral nerves because the clitoris has 12,000 nerve eddings. A circumcised penis has 4,000 nerve eddings. So this clitoris is a lot, and it just exists for pleasure. That's why it's here. And so that's why when we have sex or intercourse and we don't really feel the can of orgasms or we don't have pleasure, it's because all of this area, the vulva, like a lot of it is external, so if it's internal, it's more easy to massage it with like a fingers or a mouth or with toys. Sometimes it's hard for the penis just to kind of hit it in the right places. But also, since we have all these clitoral nerves, the 12,000 of them, they actually have to be

warmed up. So you have to know how to like touch them and start like with light touches, like cresting, start teasing inner thighs, moving in, like warming them up. Like, I used to live in Michigan, and I always think of it this way, and a lot of you are somewhere where it's snowing right now. And I just think of the warm up of like, this has happened when I was there for Thanksgiving. Like, you can't get it in your car and just start driving if it's been snowing and there's a blizzard, right? You have to wait. You have to be patient. You've got to turn the car on. You got to warm it up. You got to scrape the ice. You got to wait for it to melt,

and you can't just take off and go driving. It's like that. Like, the clitters, don't just stick your penis inside of it or start going right away. Like, it literally every single time you use it, you touch it, you masturbate, you're hanging out with it, you want to warm it up. You want to touch around it and lightly, different finger touches, like use your mouth, like play with it. And I want to say this, that for many, many years, I was talking about the clitoris, we all were in my profession, that the clitoris had 8,000 nerve endings, right? 8,000 nerve endings, 8,000 nerve endings, since I started this work 20 years ago.

And then, in the middle of writing my book two years ago, there was like a huge study that came out that said the clitoris has 12,000 nerve endings. They just found 4,000 more nerve endings. So that's very exciting. And the reason why we didn't know is because we haven't spent a lot of time and money and research dollars have gone towards studying women's sexual health or sexual health at all. So it's very exciting. So my girlfriend watched some doc recently that talked about sensory play.

What is it? So sensory play is literally just playing with the senses. A great way to start with sensory play. You want to bring in different senses. So a massage candle is a really great way. It's a candle that's made for a massage. So you light it, you let it burn for a little bit. Then you blow it out. And it becomes like really warm, luxurious massage oil that you can pour in your partner's body. You can blindfold them like a really fun part of sensory play. Is one partner gets blindfolded while the other partner plays with different senses. So you could even just have a bowl of ice. You could have the warm massage candle. You could have a little tickler or use like a little hairbrush and rub it over your partner's body. It's really just playing with different senses, different textures, different things that elicit different kind of feelings on your skin. So that's what sensory play is. And I love anything that brings in the senses during sex. I love any kind of power play, like BDSM, maybe if it's not like heavy BDSM, because when you're

doing something like sensory play or dirty talking or anything, you are connecting. You are not disassociating leaving your body. So for a lot of people during sex, they're in their head. they're leaving the room. They're worried about something. Am I doing it right? Am I going to stay hard long enough? Am I going to have an orgasm? Like, we're just in our heads, in our heads.

But if you're engaged in something like a sensory play evening, which is a really fun date night, someone asked me for a fun date night. I love a date night where you're just bringing out all the fun things to play with. So that is sensory play. What lube do I recommend for ladies with dryness issues? If you are just, I haven't been here before,

you know that I'm obsessed with lube. and I think that that lube should be as a requirement on every nightstand. So I think that women don't have dryness issues per se, that women's lubrication level, their wetness level, changes different times of months with different cycles, stages of their cycle, of their menstrual cycle. There's times a month where they might be wetter, times that they'll be dry. There's certain medications we can take that are going to impact our wetness. There are birth control pill can affect it.

And so the best thing to do is to use a lube every single time you have sex because also we could be wet at the beginning of sex, any kind of sexual play, and then we don't stay wet. And so that's when tearing can happen, STIs, when you're not necessarily wet enough. Plus, the Kinsey Institute did a study that showed when you add a few drops lube to any sexual situation, women are 80% more likely to orgasm. So to answer your question, I do love playground. They make a lube that is made by women for women. It has all those feel-good ingredients, like aschwaganda, black cohosh. It's kind of like a facial figure vagina, but it's also a lube. I also love silicone lube.

Just a silicone lube has one ingredient and it lasts longer. It's like more slippery. So think of like silicone stuff you put in your hair and stuff. So it's the same thing. One ingredient, but don't use your hair stuff. Get a silicone loop. Someone said, Emily, I've listened to your podcast for, for years and I understand warming my wife up and she definitely has some amazing orgasms,

but the question I have is, can a lady grab their favorite toy and be finished? Yes, I hope you do grab your favorite toy and finish. Sometimes it's just not going to happen. Sometimes you just know that the vibe is going to get you there. So, yeah, grab your favorite toy, bring your toy into the mix. Can we just not have any shame anymore around any of this stuff? this notion that sex was supposed to be just about body parts rubbing together and that's the purest way and like having lube only if there's a problem or toys or sensory play to spice it up because we're

bored why can't we make sex like that all the time why can we always consider these elements when we're doing something sure you can just have your body parts but also you could make it really exciting and interesting and just have different elements so every time it is a little bit different, right? Like, we get bored with everything when we do it too much, too often the same things. So, yeah, bring your toy in. I think you really want your question to answer about femdom. So your girlfriend wants to dominate you. The question is, how do you feel about it? So I think for a lot of guys, I'm thinking you're in a heterosexual relationship, that you might feel like that is not the most biggest turn on or you don't know. Why not try it? Like, the thing is,

again, if there was a food and you were in a restaurant, you're like, I've never had Vietnamese food, but I guess I'll try it. I don't know if I like it. Like, why would you be like, no, I will never have this, I don't might have my food because I love Vietnamese food. Or I've never had this food. Sex is a lot like going to different restaurants. You're like, I don't know.

I've never been dominated or spanked by a woman before, but my girlfriend wants to try it. Why not? I'll be right back after a quick break for our sponsors. So just stick around. All right, quick check-in. It's a new year and I want you to think less about reinventing yourself and more about actually taking care of the body you're already

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energy. They're also vegan, non-GMO sugar-free and super clean, which is so important to me. So if you're ready to stop dragging yourself through the year and actually feel vibrant doing it, now is a time. Don't let another year go by feeling less than your best. Grab 30% off your first month of mytopear gummies at timeline.com slash Emily 30. That's timeline.com slash Emily 30 to get 30% off your first month of mitochondrial gummies while the offer lasts. And again, this goes back to what I was saying earlier that we have all these things in our head that sex has to be a certain way or it's really, really shameful. Like that's going to mean something about you if you let her dominate you. Like, oh, now you're weaker, what if you really like it?

So what? Like, there's no sex police that's gonna come knocking at her and be like, I heard that you girlfriend spank your ass. It's like, what are we all worried about? Some guy said to me, I met him the other day when I was in Belize because you know, I tell me what I do when he came out to me. He's like, so why is the prostate so far inside the butt? Like, why do men have to go so far to find it?

He's like, was that some sick joke? I'm like, well, I'm just glad that you all know where it is. And we talked about the fact that a lot of men don't even want to seek out their prostate, which is in your butt, which is like, this really amazing part of your body that when you stimulate it, you can have an incredible orgasm. And I know that a lot of guys are like, well, if I do that, that will make me gay. And then there's just concern that I'm never going to go try this thing because it can make me gay. But last time I check, what's going to make you gay is if you are with another penis

that isn't your own that might make you gay, right? That could be, or if you like men and you're a man, Are you like going to something in your butt, inside your butt that has this little spot that can feel great when hit with a toy or finger or like a strap on or something? And you have this incredible experience in your body that you've never had before. It's like, try it. So again, there's all these rules that we put in place around sex and things we shut down because of the shame. And this goes back to what I'm talking about today that I came here to talk about is why sex conversations and try. trying new things sexually feels so hard and try and make it easier. And I think it's because a lot of us, we get anxious. We're afraid that we're going to sound needy or we're going to be rejected.

Or we just avoid it. We like shut down around any emotional topics. Or we fawn. We agree to things that we don't really want or we freeze. Our body just shuts down and our partner says, what do you want? So understanding our own bodies and having different sexual experiences allows us to truly and deeply understand our sex lives. Well, if we're just swimming in the same pawn, like, we're going to do missionary and then we're going to do oral sex. And then we're going to, like, that's all you're doing for your whole life. Like, you're really not exploring all these incredible nerve endings and all these places in our body that feel really wonderful when stimulated. Like, this is why your sex life is getting boring and dull

and predictable because you haven't really explored. You haven't really thought about trying anything new. And that's like most people. And I'm going to say this. I'm going to go out of limb and say that 99.9% of couples have never had a conversation about sex that has actually moved the needle in their sex life in the way of having more pleasure, more connection, more discovery, that the conversation is usually very, if you have it at all, it's like, when are we having sex? Why have we had sex? You know, when you go down on me? Like, it's usually like not a helpful conversation. So you really want to make sure that these conversations actually matter and you want to prioritize them. And they're not about, I'm not telling you.

you've got to be really good at sex talk. It's about being good at connection. So couples who do talk about sex have more desire, more orgasms, healthier relationships. And communication is lubrication. This is wellness. This is intimacy. You know, I've been doing a lot of talks lately too about sex is wellness. Our sexual health is an important part of our wellness. If we're not communicating, we're not advocating for our needs, we're just kind of avoiding sex altogether and we're in a relationship with someone that's not working for them, that's going to impact our overall well-being. And so that's why moving the shame out of the way, like just noticing the shame or noticing what's holding you back and doing it anyway is really what's

going to help you have the sex life that you absolutely deserve because we all do. Someone's an internalized shame. I should be more open. Tom says it's internalized shame. Like how you know, like I gave this talk. I told you I was in Florida at this incredible wellness conference. I'm going to post all my photos from there very soon. It's on my list. but I did this whole talk in this panel, and this one woman said, like, she raised her hand, she goes, I'm just so uncomfortable this whole talk. She's like, I've been so uncomfortable. I'm trying to remember exactly what she said, but basically she's like, I just, this is so uncomfortable because I have this shame. And so maybe some of you right now, listen, I know wherever I go that

there's going to be half the room if I tell them what I do are going to want to come closer to me and talk to me. And then the other half of the people are going to completely avoid me like the plague. They're not going to make eye contact with me. Like, what I do is very shameful, right? And a lot of you are walking around in your relationship, you might be feeling that way too. That's why you're not talking about it. Why you're not saying what you need? Like, it's because of shame and how do we know it's shame? Well, you go a little bit deeper. Like, what am I so afraid of? Why aren't I asking for it what I need? Or why aren't I talking about it? Okay, I'm afraid that I'm going to be judged, that I'm going to look stupid, that I'm going to look silly, that my partners thinks I already know this, or they're going to

feel bad about themselves and then I'm going to feel bad. Like, those are all shame messages. Those are all messages that you're telling yourself that the reason why it's so compounded, we can have shame with work, we can have shame with a lot of things. But with sex, it's so prevalent because we don't have places where we talk about it. We witness people have healthy, constructive conversations about sex. So that's why I will keep showing up for you all so you can start to practice and say, oh, yeah, maybe that is holding me back. And the first step is saying, yeah, that's actually not my voice in my head.

That's someone else's voice. Maybe you grew up in a home that you were told it wasn't okay to be sexual. And now you've left that home, you know, living with your parents or you're not in the same environment. But yet, if the first 18 years of your life, you had a belief. And now if you're 25 or 30 or 20 years later, think about it. You were hearing that message repeatedly often from your home, from your grandparents, and people around you.

So it makes sense that you still have some lingering shame around it. Even though that was a voice that was planted in your head, not by you, but by some other culture, society, you get to say, okay, that's no longer what I believe. So you can be like, notice this. I am just someone who is deserving of pleasure and connection and you get to rewrite your own script. Okay, someone says it's someone on antidepressants. It does interfere with drive. How can I navigate this?

Yes. So when you're on antidepressants, when you're on the birth control pill, blood thinner medications, there's a lot of different medications that we don't realize. impact our libido. So the first thing you can do is, number one, recognize that. And what I mean is the desire part, the part that tells you that you want to have sex. So now it doesn't even occur to me have sex. But that's okay. Because once you start to get into it, you're like, okay, it's not going to naturally happen. Then you can work around it. Then you can say, okay, I'm going to let my partner know or I'm going to, we're going to talk about it, that my

desire is more responsive. So there's two kinds of desires. There's the spontaneous desire, which is like, I want sex, I thought about sex, I saw my partner, I saw this thing, and I'm ready to go. But for many of us, we have a desire that's more responsive. We respond to things happening in our environment. Maybe it's a touch or a word or a toy or something, but we're going to feel, then we start to feel aroused. So desire is the want to want to have sex.

And aroused is a physical manifestation of that. So arousal is an erection, your breath quickening, lubrication. Your chest gets red, cheeks flush, the arousal, the actual physical part. So one thing you can do is like once you get going, if you don't have the desire, it says that your libido, you can navigate it by letting your partner know what you might need. Now, this is what I, I also think sometimes we don't know what we need. Like I know if I got a massage for my partner for like 10 minutes at the end of the day or whenever in the middle of the, I would be so much more likely to want to have sex because my, I call my

nervous system. I'm out of my head anymore. I'm more connected to my body. So for you navigating it could mean like you think about sex. Maybe you masturbate so you get such a practice of moving the arousal through your body and having an orgasm. Maybe you start to text your partner sex about actual the sex you're going to have and what kind of sex you want or watch porn together or like do things that you know would get you in the mood. Now a lot of people don't even really know. I've never really thought about it. Now I don't have desire like that. So this is the work that we have to do. And just so you all know, I am doing some, for the first time in a long time, I'm doing some one-on-one coaching, which you can message me about. But I'm actually working people using my pillars of sex IQ or

sexual intelligence to help people navigate. Like if five of you came to me and said, I have a low libido. I would take five different paths with each one of you helping you solve that libido problem. I do that anyway. I do that when I talk to you all here or when you call in or we talk. And so, like, if you're an antidepressant, that's a different thing than somebody who has had trauma or somebody who has a lot of resentments with their partner. Like, all these things can affect libido. But going back to the antidepressant, and we close that out, you can also talk to your doctor or your psychiatrist who prescribed your antidepressants and let them know that you're having a sexual side effects because you don't have to live with sexual side effects.

You could switch medications, you could go down on the dose a little bit. I absolutely talk to your doctor about it. But some people are on just too high of a dose they don't need to be on and they finally drop it down a little bit, their desire comes back. Can you give tips on having love sex back in relationship after kids? Yes, I absolutely can. So first I want to normalize that when you have kids, when you get married, everything's amazing and then you get pregnant and that's exciting.

and you've kids. And everything changes when you have kids. You just had a baby come out of your body. A human came out of you. Or you just have a new baby in the home. Maybe however you had the baby. But it's, especially as a woman, when you have this new responsibility and there's like a child hanging off your body all day. And your hormones are out of, are, have changed. And you just literally become a new, like there's a whole new life that you're living in. So just to be like, okay, now I'm ready for sex again. Like I used to want sex. It just doesn't work that way. Like it's a new stage.

It's a new level. So the first thing is, you know, when you go to the doctor and you have a baby, many doctors, and maybe this is changing now, although I haven't heard that it's changing, they often tell women like, oh, you should be fine in a month or six weeks or back in shape and ready to go. And for many women, that's just not the case. Not that they're not only physically ready, because maybe they physically could, but there's just, you know, they're tired, they're exhausted, and they're just not feeling that yet. So I think there's a lot of pressure on women that they have to just like get back at it and I should be ready to go.

But again, maybe a whole human just came out of your body and you're like, it's changed. My vagina's changed. Things are different. So I think just having compassion for ourselves and for each other knowing that like might take a little bit longer. But what you can do is still enhance intimacy. So the question is can you give tips on having love and sex back in relationship after kids? I would focus on the intimacy. And what I mean by that is what are things that you and your partner can do?

that are intimate, that are more connected, you know, without the kids. So if it's having a non-negotiable date night or giving each other massages or even just taking sex off the table or having conversations that make you feel more connected and intimate, you go to dinner and you maybe don't bring your phones or maybe even newborn you want the phone, but you're not talking about the kids or you're doing my yes-no-mabody list. That is a really fun date night activity for the person who asked me out date nights earlier. It has like 100 sex acts on it. And you're not. like kissing, well, obviously kissing, but it has like anal sex and using a sex toy and just a hundred different sex acts. Let's just say that. And then you and your partner each take this

little quiz and you write down to everything. Is this a yes? Is it a no? Is it a maybe? And then you come together like, oh, we both have yeses in these areas. I didn't know you wanted me talk dirty. You want to talk dirty too. Let's talk dirty. So it's like it's a tool that helps you have conversations about sex that are often challenging. Oh, hi. Hello, thank you for calling. Hi, thank you so much for all that you do. This is great to hear a show that addressing a lot of these issues.

I'm a husband, and we're in the process of trying to rekindle our intimacy post-children. And one of the things that we've ran into is just really being kind of a right. We're dealing with someone that before, and then it got. worse afterwards. Say that again. Can you say that again? You did what before? We were in a rut before.

Oh, got it. Okay. The children, but I felt like it got worse after children. So we're in a process of trying to reprioritize that. And as you can imagine, I'm sure you feel with several people who deal with, you know, kids and their sex life going stale or having a stale before and then after getting worse. So we've been in the process of just trying to. to find some help.

But, you know, on ASEC, the database, it has a lot of different people on there. It has, you know, some people that are focused more on intimacy, that, you know, your coaches, and then you have some that are more focused on the psychological piece, which are, you know, your therapist who just happen to be ASEC certified. What would be your suggestions in terms of finding the right help? And then if there are any resources that you would suggest for us, get started as we're trying to really rediscover what intimacy looks like for us. Because what it looked like when we first started dating, we're very spontaneous. And now,

you know, it's not that when you're married. And it's something that we're trying to find and rediscover. Yeah. I love that you guys are working on this and you understand what you need. I mean, I would try to fight. ASEC is a great. ASEC is a site for, what is it, the association of American sex therapists, sex educators, counselors. I would recommend somebody who's more like, I always recommend this for most people, that's more less psychology, but more somatically based,

like helping you all realize, like noticing what sensations you feel in your body, when do you feel aroused, how do you connect? How can you guys be more connected while you're together? Like, I just think that we could talk all we want. Talk therapy has a place, but right now with stress and the kids and being in a rut, the more you can learn with somebody how to really get into your bodies and be present with each other about what you're feeling

and start to build up the experience of touching again and looking to each other's eyes. And no, it's not going to be spontaneous and hot like it was in the beginning. Like that's the thing is that so many of us crave the honeymoon phase that we were in. But we're not going back there. We're now in this different stage of life. and that only exists because that person's new and everything's new. So now I think we have to get back to our bodies because that's where sex is energy. And if our energy is in stress and worry and fear and all the things, we're not going to be able to have any pleasure.

So I would find somebody who works with somatic therapy, embodiment. Somatic therapy, okay. And then my, I guess the follow up to that is, do you feel like that work can be done virtually? Or is that something that you recommend being done? in person. I think I know it can absolutely be done virtually. Yeah, it can be. I used to think that none of this stuff could be done virtually if you asked me six years ago. But I've seen in credit, I work with people. It's very, you couple, as long as you're willing to do the work with a therapist who's telling, you know, and you're willing to say like where you feel things in your body and yeah,

you can do it anywhere. Okay. And lastly, if you have any books or anything, I know you have some things probably on your website, but if there are any books that would be, you know, ways for us to be able to get this started because obviously, you know, finding the right person to work with us that's a process. I have so many books. I'm like, I'm surrounded by 500, 600 sex books in my office right now. Right now, I mean, you could start with, I don't know if you've read, I have a book called Smart Sex, How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure.

A lot of couples read that book together, but I'm just not sure where you guys are in your place. I love my somatic teachers, Celeste and Danielle. It's called Coming Together, and they have a lot of great exercises for couples, too. Best of luck. He's staying in touch. Let me know how it goes. I love this question. So much for your help. You appreciate it. Okay, of course. Yeah, have a great night. Thank you. What grooming should a man do to prep for prostate stimulation? You know, I don't think, grooming is an optional activity. So if you're never, like, actually grooming, like, do you need to wax your butt or anything? Like, that's a choice. If you mean, like, do you have to have an enema or do you have to do all? that that's also optional you know I think we all know when we have to go to the bathroom

when we've cleared it when we haven't so I think you can just really be intuitive about your own body you don't have to be like do a whole thing a whole practice but just make sure that you're like showered and clean and you know you've gone you've emptied your bowels as they say so I wouldn't get all tripped up about that just make sure that you're you know clean gone to the bathroom what are some things I can do to make things exciting when I'm alone. They're talking about masturbation. This is where it's different. Like for men and women, I give a lot of the same advice because we're all pretty much,

we're very similar in a lot of ways. I recommend for everybody while you're alone. You use the word exciting, but I'm going to say the word exploratory. And I always recommend mindful masturbation when you're alone, where you can slow down without the goal of orgasm. The goal is just exploring your body. and getting curious about how it feels to, if you always use your left hand, use your right hand, that's one way to do it.

If you just notice, like when you slow down, like we have all these nerve endings on our bodies. So noticing like what kind of touch feels good, what kind of like pressure, what kind of motion and just getting curious and exploring without the goal of orgasm but the goal of learning and connection. So that's what I recommend for you. How to navigate a partner's kink that doesn't vibe with you. I want to fulfill my partner's desires. Why do I feel like I'm abanding my needs and desires?

I love this question because we are talking about communication today and how to have better communication and how to talk about things. And I think the first thing is, I love that you both have different kinks and you know you have different things that turn you both on. But I would recommend that you talk about them, but maybe there's some commonalities. Like maybe there's areas where you can find. parts of their kink that you could work with and they could find like what is what is your kink or what is your desire because then we can learn to navigate and negotiate it and so we feel like we are still getting our needs met but of course not every time it doesn't mean that you're going to

love all of your partners kinks but it just comes down to conversation and to really get and clear about it thank you for joining me have a beautiful evening that's it for today's episode thank you so much for listening to sex with emily and if you love this show please like, subscribe, and leave a review wherever you get your podcast. And hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something. It usually does. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and X. It's all at Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sex withemly.com for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure.