Sex With Emily - Love Bombing, Breadcrumbing & Modern Dating

Episode Date: May 19, 2023

It can be difficult to meet new people and cultivate relationships, especially when looking for romantic partners. But don’t let that hold you back from trying: you might just need a new strategy. On today’s show, I take your calls on modern dating and how to solve the problems you’re running into. Let’s say you want to date an older woman but don’t have confidence in your communication - how do you improve your conversation game? When you’ve been single for years and fear rejection, how do you break out of romantic stagnation? Or what about breadcrumbing: when someone gives you just enough to keep you interested without outright ghosting you. How can you directly communicate without coming off as pushy? Finally, what are the signs of love bombing? One caller asks me if that’s what’s happening to her. Spoiler: yep.Show Notes:What’s a Sexual State of the Union & Why Should You Have One?MEET ME ON TOUR! Sex With Emily Book Tour: SMART SEX Event DatesPRE-ORDER MY NEW BOOK! Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureSMART SEX PRIZE PACK (submit your pre-order proof of purchase at the bottom of the page, be entered to win the prize pack and everyone that enters receives a copy of my new and improved Yes! No! Maybe? Guide)Playground Lube (code SEXWITHEMILY for 15% off your 1st order)Womaness.com/Emily (code EMILY for 20% off sitewide) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

My marketability is to win Lina as I'm getting older because it seems like these guys my age are looking for young women. It's not true Mary, I'm going to stop you there. That is a limiting belief. And that does not serve you, nor is that true. Yeah, many guys in your age group, one of the younger women are unavailable, they're players, but many aren't. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

I'm Dr. Amley and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. It can be difficult to meet new people and cultivate relationships, especially when looking for romantic partners, but don't let that hold you back from trying. You might just need a new strategy. Well, on today's show, I take your calls on modern dating and how to solve the problems you're running into. Let's say you want a dated older woman,

but don't have confidence in your communication. How do you improve your conversation game? When you've been single for years in fear of rejection, how do you break out of romantic stagnation? Or what about breadcrumbing when someone gives you just enough to keep you interested without outright ghosting you? How can you directly communicate without coming off as pushy?

Finally, what are the signs of love bombing? One caller asked me if that's what's happening to her. Spoiler? Yep. Intentions with Emily, I want to start off by setting intention for the show and I encourage you to do the same. My intention is to remind you that you're not alone. And dating doesn't have to look just one way. Like you get an app, you instantly click with someone and right off into the sunset. This is your journey. And by the end of this episode, I think you'll

feel a lot more grounded in your search to find someone special. Please rate and review sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, what is a sexual state of the union and why should you and your partner have one, is up at sexwithemily.com. Check out my YouTube channel, social media, and tick tockets. I'll add sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. And if you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily or call my hotline 559 tocksx or 559 825 5739. Just include your name, your age,

where you live and how you listen to the show and you can change your name or choose your man and down to me, it's all good. Okay, exciting news, this is kind of a big deal. I'm gonna tell you a new book, which is really a compilation of my life's work with a twist and I just got my first review and I wanna share with you cause it's really exciting

cause you know, you never know, you put a book out in the world and how's it gonna be reviewed and received. This is from publishers Weekly. And they said Morris's prose reads like a conversation with an older sister if she had a doctor in human sexuality. Her style is fun, informative, and straightforward. This serves as an excellent resource

and sexual pleasure for singletons and couple to like, and even the most sexually knowledgeable, may find a helpful tip or two. Thank you publishers weekly. I love that. See wherever you are in your sexual journey, this is going to be your new sex Bible. Also, I'm doing a book tour. This is the partial list of the book tour, but I just release the dates. You can get tickets. I want to hang out in person. I've never had an actual event where I can meet you. So I'm doing live events in New York on June 13th. So please come there and see me there virtually on June 15th via crowdcast so I can talk to all of you. Like join that one too if you can't be any of these events. Let's do it. Let's have a chat. Let's talk about sex and the

San Francisco Bay Area on June 17th. Cannot wait to meet you. We'll be doing like photo apps if you're there in person, a discussion panel. I'll answer your questions live. And just so you know, when you buy a ticket, you'll automatically get a copy of my new book, Smart Sex. And I also have an article live on the site with all this info. So are you in? Are we getting a smart of sex together? Let's do it! Let's have some fun on the road, okay? Can't wait to meet you. This episode is brought to you by Playground. I love their lubricants so much they asked me to be the chief sexologist, which I would not do for any lubricant. I fully believe in this lube. First off, it's like a facial for your vulva. You can definitely use it with all

genders, all body parts, has all of these great ingredients in it. They taste amazing. There's four different kinds. It's the cutest little flip top bottle. I am obsessed. I will not have sex without this lube. And I don't think you will. Either a lot of you been buying it and loving it. So, if you click the link in our show notes and use the code sex with the Emily at checkout, you can save 15% off your first order. You can also head to helloplayground.com and use code sex with the Emily for 15% off your first order. A lot of you hit me up and you're like,

what kind of loop try buy? You will love this loop. I am confident. Can't wait for you to try it. Let me know what you think. All right, everyone, I am confident. Can't wait for you to try it. Let me know what you think. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. Your relationship with somebody isn't necessarily about the two of you. They talked about relationship satisfaction in this study and said that your own

personality accounts for 19% of the talk about relationship satisfaction. Your partner's personality is only 5%. And then the relationship related characteristics like how you deal with conflict, processes that you put in place to feel like healthier and resolve things is 45%. Everyone wants to know like what's this elusive chemistry? How do we know if someone's right? The individual variables that explain like don't you want to know now like how do you measure satisfaction? Measuring happiness. But it's your life satisfaction.

Your negative affect if you how irritable or distressed you feel. If you have depression or feelings of hopelessness, or if you worry about a lot of your relationship or if you have attachment avoidance, right? So you become too attached. Those were some of the individual variables that explain the differences. And then we've got like powerful variables. Well, you guys know this. Feeling appreciated. If you guys have sexual satisfaction together. If you believe that your partner wants to be in the relationship forever, like you're perceived partner satisfaction.

So like if those things, those in jokes that you have, the shared experiences, the things that you guys do together is so much more than just the two of you. Like my partner is, you know, on their phone too much or they don't put their dishes away. Think about your relationship as like a third entity. It's like you, your partner and then your relationship. So it would make sense that the relationships that you developed together,

like that entity because, you know, maybe your partner, you guys break up, or you probably had an ex that you're like, oh, God, we were disaster. They're terrible in relationship. And then you hear, oh, they're off with someone happily married. So sometimes that's so much that your ex is a bad person, you're a bad person, just together. You made this thing that just did not work for all these other variables.

So I think that in a way it makes you feel good because perhaps having a great relationship is less about finding that person that checks all of the boxes, which is what I think dating apps try to do is that they try to say, you need all these things. And what I think the dating apps are really strong at is just, it's a numbers game. So rather than sitting home, here's five matches, which you would not have found otherwise.

But really it's about how are you building up those relationships? How are you putting processes, procedures, and conditions in place that allow it to be a healthy relationship overall? You know, can the relationship flourish under the Influence of the two of you? Whatever you both bring to the table. All right, this is from Tiana 29, New Jersey. I've come to you about an issue with dating. I've been single for about five years and have recently dated someone who I thought would be open for a relationship. He told me he didn't want to commit and it broke my heart. I thought I would be okay with friends with benefits, but that made it even worse for me.

I've been thinking of the pros and cons about him and my acts and what kind of relationship I wanted in the future. I decided to go on a dating app and just put myself out there, but I hesitate to speak with them or meet them because I'm afraid of getting hurt. How can I face this fear? Oh, Tiana, I hear you. When we go through a breakup and a heart gets broken. Sometimes the first time it gets broken, it just can really, really hurt. And then that, it only takes one heartache sometimes

to just get us off track, especially, you know, when things are going to go somewhere and the title won't want to commit. But how you face this fear. There's a few steps that I always recommend. And you've done some of them. You said that you've thought about the pros and cons and what kind of relationship you want in the future.

That's really, really important steps, so good for you for doing that. But some other things that you need to do or that I recommend that are important. Focus on like self loving yourself. And here's the thing. And what I mean by that is it is all a journey. There's the masturbation part of self love. There's loving who you are today. It's you know, knowing that you have all these great things to bring to a relationship. Getting clear on your needs as well as important. I know you said the pros and cons, but what are your needs? What's important to you in a relationship? Like needs that like, like you want to be seen, okay? That's a really important one for me.

I want to date someone who gets me, who knows me, like where I feel seen. They notice a little things. They show up and they pay attention. You know, they participate in communication. They show up and they pay attention. They participate in communication. They show up when you need them. I don't date households. I don't date people who don't care about me, but in the past, a lot of us have dated people

like that. I think you only date a few people like that that don't work. I hope. And then you will be like, oh, actually, I deserve better. But sometimes the more time we take, it can be a lot harder to get out there. So just recognize right now that you don't have to go right into a serious relationship right now. So what I recommend that you do is try to go on a little mini date. Meet someone for coffee. You're already on the dating app.

But to get over your fear, we have to face fear. Nothing bad's going to happen to you. It's just a matter of facing that and saying, I'm going to try right now because I love myself enough and I care about myself enough to face this fear. And once you do it, you're going to say, what was I waiting for? You're going to realize there's a lot of great people out there. And you already were hurt. The worst thing did happen. And you're still here. And I promise you that you are stronger because of it.

You ought to get out there again. And you could dig in just because you go out with someone. It doesn't mean it's a relationship, doesn't mean that you're walking down the aisle. It just means that you're exercising a muscle. Dating is a muscle. And if we don't exercise that muscle, it gets a lot harder. You're just like going to the gym.

You know, we lift and weights every few times a week. It feels great. And then we stop for a few months and it's really hard to get back out there. Well, you've waited five years. And so if you can take baby stacks, you're not going to go back to the gym and start lifting the same weight you were lifting before. You're not going to go back out there and get into a long-term relationship right away.

But you're going to start seeing what it feels like to meet new people and to be in your body again and just feel like a woman that is hot and ready to date and who is a fabulous person who deserves a lot of love and connection like we all do. So it could be a Zoom date, it could be a coffee date, but just practice it and then you're going to see that you can take that power back and you can face your fear. Because fear is only false evidence appearing real. Let's talk to Mark 40 in Texas. Hi Mark, what's going on? So here's the thing, it seems like I'm on these apps.

And I made some nice people, but to me, it seems like it should be reciprocal. I mean, I realize there's always a chase factor in the guys, or you're usually, you know, token with that to be the ones that pursueers, if you will. But I don't know where it goes from pursuing to them not interested.

And I don't know how to play that level to say, are they actually interested? Or is this just a game of number? Because it seems like I go on a lot of dates. And then it's like, I'm always like, what's next? So I mean not even trying to say take it to a different level but it's just like I don't want to be left on red or have the phone calls and come back the same with the women down so it's like how does that get reciprocated and you know it's like a different world now. It's a great question

so we explain to me like give me a specific example of what you're experiencing. Like walk me through it. You go on it one day and then what happened? You don't hear from them or you don't know. You don't know. You don't know. There's multiple conversations. There's text messaging. There's phone calls. There's setup for another date. And then after that initial contact, it's kind of like, okay, I even have the conversation with them or it's like all interest is dead. And I'm like, hey, I get it. If it didn't click, it doesn't click, we'll move on.

No big deal. But then it's like, oh no, I've just been busy. And then it's back to, I wouldn't say even say ghosting, but it's more like painting. It's like they're always saying- Breadcrumbing. We have a name for it. It's called breadcrumbing. When they just give you enough to keep you hooked There you go

So I just don't understand and then that gets translated to whenever I call them out on it I'm just like no have a nice day. Then I become the proverbial ass because I don't want to play the games and How many times is coming from you come? I don't want to play the games. And how many times is coming from you come happen with you? Like is this like it happened three times? Or is it happened like a lot over the last six months? No, I'd say I've only been on it.

I don't know. I'd say probably four dates with two different women in both women and in the same way. Rejection is so hard. It's literally one of the most painful human conditions is rejection. So when we feel it, it takes up so much more weight than other conditions. So I say you're just getting back out there. It's a muscle not every situation is going to be like that to women.

There are- you're in Texas. But do you know how many women are in Texas? That would love to be with Mark who actually wants to be in a relationship right now, who's like a good guy and wants to follow through and doesn't want to put up for bullshit, you just haven't found him yet. And I wouldn't paint a picture that this is the state of the world right now.

I mean, yes, people who have been breadcrumbing and ghosting, you know, you could say to them, I think there is a middle ground, there's a between saying like, okay, are you in or you are? Because all these people are ghosting me and just tell me and saying, I think we should do this again. How about, and then ask them out, and then just plan a date or say something,

and then if you don't hear from them, I mean, like cut it, don't even spend time thinking about it, and move on to the next. So make the offer, be specific. Not about, hey, wanna get dinner one time, but I love when a guy texts me or calls me with a plan. I would do a video chat. I would say, hey, want to pick up the phone before you actually meet up with them. Okay, I have to admit, text is a little bit different because you're saying, is there still this expectation that I have to put out the entire

all the effort? Is that what you're saying? I'm trying to understand your question, because I just say, the more you date, the what I do like yeah joke about that that saying if you can't handle me at my words you don't deserve me and I like to sound like hey and that's that's okay I'm willing to accept those standards but I at least think that it should be some sort of a reciprocation. If you're not interested by all means don't be interested but if you are interested that means you've got to have something there needs to be something there right well you're so but with your studies to date you went on two dates or four dates

with two women and they go to and and then they were more interested but to me that this isn't correlate with what you're saying is make an effort you ask them out twice but maybe they realize they weren't as interested right now or who knows? But that doesn't mean that you won't find a woman who says, yeah, Mark, let's make a plan next. Those women are out there. So keep going and then keep your eyes open because the more you date, it's a learning curve.

You start to learn about yourself. It's like everything dating is a skill set. It's not just something we're all naturally like, we all know how to date and our own aptitude. You have to practice it. So keep going out there and then you'll start to learn, oh, this kind of person, I can tell already, this is the pattern of when the women who say,

who don't commit to me, this is what it means. And you start to recognize behavioral patterns. And then the more you go out with people, the guy think that they reject you, that's what do they say? God's rejection is God's protection. Like they did you a favor onto the next, but you get to learn from all of these experiences.

So that's what I believe. And the sooner we cannot obsess about why things didn't work and what happened to us, because you knew them for three hours and they've taken up maybe 10 hours of worrying or we're talking about now, like let's think about what you're gonna do next. Who's the next person you're gonna swipe on?

Maybe there's another app to try, bumble, the women have to make the first move. A lot of people love hinge right now. Super popular. One, there's a lot. move. A lot of people love hinge right now. Super popular. One, you know, there's a lot. And just if you've got the time right now, just kind of craft it and get more specific and then you'll develop the mark way of dating

that makes you feel that you are giving, but also receiving from women who deserve you in your time. All right, well thank you, I appreciate it. Of course, Mark, don't let this stuff stop you, you guys. You just, dating isn't easy. It's not easy to find a partner. Anything that's worth having takes effort and time and focus. You just don't get lucky and randomly,

you know something like lucky and randomly maybe you'll, the dating apps are exploding. There are more and more people who are dating online than ever, so I think that's good news. You just gotta put up with some bullshit. You always gotta, you know what they say. It gives a lot of frogs, you gotta deal with a lot of people ghosting

and a lot of people who are not what you thought. Don't look like their picture. But I believe there is, you will find your person when you prioritize it, change your behavior, and make the time. Don't swipe left because after the break, I'm talking to collars about dating older women, dating after divorce, and deconstructing your limiting beliefs.

Okay, we have a question from Tommy 32 in Michigan. I would like to have sex with older women, but don't know how to go about talking with them. So much easier these days. Just start talking to them. It's so much easier these days. Just start talking to them. That's how all great relationships start Tommy. If you find someone that you're interested in, I think you strike up a conversation.

What's your intent for wanting to have sex with an older woman? Is it to get experience? Are you looking for a relationship? What if it's just, we are not clear or what we actually want from relationships? I don't think that finding someone to have sex with or to date is any different than if she was your age

or she wasn't your age. It's a practice of communicating. I think a lot of us think it's like this whole secret. Like, what do I do? What do I say? And I think the more planned we are, we try to think about like, what's my pickup line? And what are we gonna say?

It's like, be yourself and just strike up a conversation. See where someone's at. And if you've never done this before, and I have this sense that people, you know, who kind of grew up with cell phones and kind of being on their phones and being on laptops, it's less comfortable perhaps to actually approach someone and to initiate a conversation. But it is a practice, and the more you practice it,

the easier you'll get. And my suggestion for everybody who is looking to date someone right now who's single is to practice just talking to people easier you'll get. And my suggestion for everybody who is looking to date someone right now, who's single, is to practice just talking to people when you're out. Even people you don't want to sleep with. Just conversation, having it. I mean, the people with really good conversations,

typically had a life where they were, maybe they were in a family where they're always talking, or they weren't a job where they always had to communicate, and they had practice, right? Where they don't come out of the womb being excellent communicators. But it sort of takes some of the fear out of it when you just kind of practice talking to people that you don't even

find attractive. You just kind of work there to say, notice something and a great tip for talking to people. You know, if you want to check up conversation with someone is observe something in the room that's commonality and then ask a question. Guys, the stuff is just, it's all practice, and it's all like letting go of fears. Letting go of these fears. You know, you get rid of fears is you just kind of move through it and try the things that you think you can't do, because if we're not growing in life, if we're not like challenging

ourselves and growing and trying new things, we're dying. It's true. Can't think of a better way to say it. Mary 55 and Illinois. Hi, Mary. What's going on? I'm a single mom. I've been divorced for five years.

And just very frustrated with finding or meeting men in my age group who want a committed relationship. It's just very frustrating. It feels like they're still out there in their mid to late 50s wanting to play the field, you know. And I met somebody through a friend. I did the online dating thing a few years ago. I didn't really work out for me. And so I was very happy to be introduced to this gentleman. And he ghosted me for a couple of months. I didn't even know what ghosting was. All right. And so anyway, he ghosted me and then he called me back a couple months later. Prior to him ghosting me, we probably dated for maybe three weeks or so.

Nothing much once a week, you know. And so then we had a wonderful time. We dated, we went out to dinners, we went on a couple of road trips, we introduced our children to each other. I have a son, he has a son. And everything was going great. He was mentoring my son to some degree because I have a son in college. And the sex was good.

I'm going to Manipaz. I was doing what I needed to do to get my health in that whole arena back on know, back on track. And I thought things were going well, he told me he loved me blah, blah, blah. And then I noticed distancing. And I asked him, did I say something? Did I do something? He said, no, no, no, I'm just, quote, processing. But he didn't really want to tell me what he was processing.

And this went on for about two, three weeks, where I noticed this physical distancing, which was harmful to me. You know, I just felt like I was making an effort, but I was being slowly pushed away. And then he eventually told me, and I don't believe this to be true because it was never an issue before.

His religious beliefs, you know, his question is, oh, am I, but said that, you know, he just felt that he's not practicing what he preaches because he counseled young people in the church, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, in terms of abstinence. And I said, well, you know, I'm okay with that. It's not a deal breaker for me. I'm totally with that and i was but that didn't seem to make a difference and i but the first time heard the term a breadcrumbing and i believe that that is what i believe that's what he's doing to me because it's a lot

comment he was to be patient you know just be patient and so i feel like he's he's got his cake and he wants to eat it to he's got me in the wing. Well, how long will you marry? How long will you with this guy? How long will you with him? About three months. Three months. And he ghosted you when. And he said he loved you and you met each other's kids. Yeah. This move really fast. This is really fast, Mary. And I, and I also, I told him that too. I said, you know, let's let things happen organically because I went through a very contentious divorce and so I'm very cautious, you know, about leaving into things and I thought it was odd that he was feeling

had these strong feelings towards me so soon. It's odd. Yeah. And so now he's got me on this holding pattern. No. You know, don't hold. Don't hold. Run. He's love bombing you.

This is what happens. It feels so good when somebody pours on all that love and attention and adoration at the beginning of a relationship. And it feels so good to be loved and desired again because we haven't had it in a while. Especially you coming off of a really. And it feels so good to be loved and desired again, because we haven't had it in a while, especially you coming off of a really bad divorce. And so even though we know in our head, you're 55 year old woman I get, we've been around, we're not new with this stuff,

it feels good. And we're like, well, maybe this is different. But whenever it moves that fast, he can't possibly know you yet. And trust your gut, this is where women are intuition. Like, you knew something was a little bit off, but it felt so good, right? So I would say he's doing your favor now.

Is this the first guy you've been with since your divorce? No. Okay. And it's been three months, and how has he ghosted you? I had, oh, that's right. So we're gonna tell you, the reason he ghosted me, when I asked why he ghosted me, and this is what I think is really quite telling,

he told me that he ghosted me, and he told the friends who introduced us that he ghosted me, and he told the friend who introduced us that he ghosted me because I was keeping him in the friend zone. And I thought, well, first of all, I've only been seeing you for three weeks. I'm certainly not gonna throw myself at you. I'm a respected woman, and I'm carrying myself,

you know, I hold myself to certain standards. And so he apparently ghosted me because I was keeping him in the quote, friend zone, although I don't think I was. I think it's really ironic now how months later he's semi-ghosting me if you want to call it that because all of a sudden his religious values and his religious beliefs have come into play. Way back up, back up is up the first three weeks you were together You got feedback that he said that you were putting them in the friend zone and then you clearly got out of the friend zone started dating And then three months later now he's go I'm just following I'm following and so now he goes so he okay

And then he goes to you which is right Okay, well, he think it's me twice so far so I guess this should be a lesson Delete his number delete his number your life is better without him He has shown you who he is and believe him. Yeah, he's not even better like me What is the woman like me, my age, do? To me, men, I mean, I dated someone who was younger and who was far more mature than some of these 50-something year olds that I've been meeting.

How'd you meet the younger guy? I just know it's a gem. And then it was a long relationship. Last year for quite some time. But I just find it really hard, I don't wanna date a young woman. I wanna date someone in my face of lights, you know? Have you let everybody know that you're single?

Have you told all your friends, your neighbors, your employees, random, like the people that you trust? That you're actually looking at your loved ones. Yeah, I think so. But have you said to them specifically, hey, if you, if you haven't meet anyone, I'm actually looking right now, if you happen to meet anybody, please think of me and let me know.

This is what I'm looking for. You can't expect people to be thinking of you. We have to do something outside of our comfort zone. Maybe that's not comfortable for you, you know. Go on Facebook, you're probably on Facebook. Are you invited to any events that you would normally not go to? Say yes to those. Is there a meetup?

If you like to bike ride or hike or do volunteer, there's these meetup.org, I think it is. And there's everything. Go to in-person meetings, volunteer. Do something that you're super passionate about right now that's a little bit outside your box. Like get out of your comfort zone. Because if you keep moving in the same grooves

of your life every single day, you're not gonna make space for new people to come in. So, aside from the apps, that's how you're gonna meet people, is making an effort to carve out space for that person. And then you'll find out. Yeah, I just feel I have more years behind me than I'm moving forward,

so I wanna make the second half of my life even better than the first. And I just feel like time is passing me by, you know. And for a woman, I mean, speaking for myself here, I feel like my marketability is dwindling as I'm getting older because it seems like these guys my age are looking for young women. It's not true, Mary. I'm going to stop you there. That is a limiting belief. And that does not serve you.

Nor is that true. Yeah, many guys in your age group, one of the younger women are unavailable, they're players, but many aren't. And getting older, I'm women calling it in the 30s who can't find anyone. It's not, this is a belief about age. And we can't take along that with, you have a choice. And you could say, I'm going to find someone at this point in life and I deserve it. Ever, you're going to go home, when we hang up right now, you're going to write in your journal,

all the things that you want in a partner. Like get specific, specific. Like I want somebody who loves to drive because I hate driving. I want somebody who loves music. Cause I like, you know, write it down, get it in your soul, feel that person.

What are you gonna do with them? What kind of activities are you gonna do? How are they gonna make you feel when you're together? Picture that person, manifest that person. You know, I mean, this stuff works. And so, but every time that belief comes in that says there's no one out there say, person, manifest that person. I mean, this stuff works. And so, but every time that belief comes in that says, there's no one out there say, but maybe there is someone out there.

You get to choose those thoughts. And I say choose the good ones. Choose the ones that serve you. I believe you will find someone, but you have to believe you'll find someone. Yeah, I have to be more positive. I'm going to take your suggestions. Have a great night, Mary. Thanks for calling.

Every time you find yourself saying, there's no one out there. Everyone is like that. Or I'm always going to be ghosted. I'm always going to be alone. People suck. That's what we call in the business, a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more you believe something, the more you think it,

it becomes your reality. What you focus on becomes your reality. What you focus on becomes your reality. So if we're constantly thinking about worrying about money, I'm going to go broke and all these things are going to happen. Do you think you're going to make a lot more money that year? If your thoughts are literally in that thinking all these negative things, no. If you're thinking I'm not going to find everyone, even if you're doing it for a few weeks or a few months, but that's your base level, is that people aren't good or there's not enough, or actually, you know what it is?

It's that scarcity mentality that there's not enough, I'm not going to have enough. That is the lens in which you're going to see your life. And we can go into why we feel that way. We can go into like the conditioning. Maybe our parents were like that. Maybe in childhood, we kept getting disappointed because maybe our parents were alcoholics and we grew up in a home where every time we got excited

for something, the rug was pulled out from under us. Your dad was gonna pick you up and take you to the zoo and he didn't show up again. You were gonna go on that trip with your family and something happened and you were disappointed. So as a child, what we do is we think, oh, well, I can't get excited for anything, nothing's going to happen. And so therefore, you might get caught in this mentality that I can't get excited for things,

people are going to disappoint me. And then when you get older, it's not even conscious, but you think people are a disappointment. I'm going to be let down. Because if I get excited for something, or if I believe in anyone, I'm gonna get my heart broken. Like when dad didn't show up and take me to the zoo. It's really like that. And but you realize that that's just a conditioning that you can sort of alter your consciousness around it and journaling and writing out what you actually want.

You know, to change your thought patterns, takes effort, a lot of effort, but I can't think of anything better to do than to reprogram, rewire your brain. You know, I've been someone who has been meditating for 25 years and trying to live, you know, a seeker and on the path, but it's still hard. You know, we just talk about that process of an EMDR therapy, which is a trauma-based therapy. It uses bilateral brain stimulation. It sounds very hokey, but it's legit.

And you can just kind of change your thoughts. You don't have to go to therapy to do it. You can start tonight by writing down what you want and think about what thoughts aren't serving me. It's not easy to do this, but the more you focus on what you actually do on, and what it looks like and what it smells like and what it tastes like and how it feels to be with this person, how to find that partner and you manifest that partner. He was like, oh, man, I'm just gonna think about

a red bike and a red bike's gonna show up. Is that how you man? No, that's not what he means. You have to do the work around it. You have to think like, this is the partner. It's not just like, I'll help you some day, a man drops down the chimney. You do the work and you say, I know that I'm going to find my partner. you know, it's not just like, I'll help you some day, a man job's down the chimney. You do the work and you say,

I know that I'm going to find my partner. I know it is true. I deserve it. I'm a good human. And to make sure that happens, I'm gonna get really specific and all the traits I want in a partner. Did I deserve in a partner?

Someone who treats me well, someone who doesn't ghost me, someone who shows up, who's reliable, who's loving, who loves their mother, who gives back, who's kind, who's reliable, who's loving, who loves their mother, who gives back, who's kind, who's generous, who's authentic, write it all down and get specific. And then you're mind thinks, I'm going to find someone, I'm going to find someone, and they're going to treat me really well, and they're going to be kind, and they're going to be generous, and they're going to, and then it all gets wrapped in, you know, and then

you, you truly, this is how it works. You start to believe it. You start to feel yourself with that person, And then when you, you see your friends, you don't say, oh damn, all these people on the apps are ghosting me and they suck. You say, I'm on the apps, haven't found anyone yet, but I can't wait to meet a partner that I can spend Friday night with.

We're gonna barbecue and then we're gonna watch this show. That's gonna be an awesome life partner to have. Rather than getting together with your friends and bitching about how everyone sucks. I mean, you can do that for a little bit because we do that. But if that's how you show up, thinking that nothing's gonna work out for you

and you'll never find that person, you're less likely to find that person. You are less likely to find a person if you don't believe that that person exists. Makes sense, right? So what are you gonna do to find that person? That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily.

Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure.

If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559 825 5739. A go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.

For you, email me feedback at sexwithmlate.com.