Sex With Emily - Love in the Time of Coronavirus

Episode Date: April 3, 2020

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is giving you a sexy dose of love in the time of coronavirus. Right now, things are very uncertain, but what we are certain about is the people who love us – our friends, family, and partners – so she’s here to give you some peace of mind on how to use this time to your advantage. Plus, she’s answering your sex & relationship questions.She breaks down why there’s no better time than the present to get some self-love exploration on – or connect with your partner, the reasons to have relationship check-ins – regardless of your relationship status, and ways to connect sexually even if you’re not in the same room.Follow Emily on all social @sexwithemilyFor even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit http://sexwithemily.com/  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and on today's show, I'm giving you a sexy dose of love and the time of coronavirus. Right now, things are really uncertain, but what we are certain about is the people who love us, right? That's become apparent like our friends, our family, our partners. So I'm here to give you some peace of mind and how do you just time to your advantage? Plus, as always, I'm answering your sex and relationship questions. Topics include, what better time in the present to get some self-love exploration on or connect with your partner?

Why should you be having relationship check-ins regardless of where you're at in your relationship? Waste to connect sexually, even if you're not in the same room, and tips are feeling more connected to your own sexuality. All this and more, thanks for listening. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my. The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common, Emily? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here. I'm so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information check out sexwithemily.com. Find us on all social media. It is Sex with Emily across the board. And you guys know that we are here for you, Sex with Emily,

and my entire team to help you during this quarantine time. You need a sexier name for it, don't we? But we're all at home with quarantining. There's a lot more coming up, a lot more questions, a lot of things about relationships, connections. So we're here, we're doing more lives on all of our social streams, which is again, Sex with the Emily Facebook Instagram Twitter. You can always send us your questions, feedback at sexwithemily.com. We love you and we're here for you and everyone stay safe. All right, intentions for this show. As you know, I start each show with an intention

and I encourage you to do the same. It really helps. So it's like, if you think about it and you get specific, like what do I want to get out of this episode? It could just be a heavily, I've been home with my partner and we really need to keep this connection strong. It has been challenging. Or maybe it's like, I've been home for so many

days, and I need some new content, Emily, help. My intention is to give you some tools and tips to keep your relationship strong and healthy during this just super odd time that we find ourselves in and to keep the fires burning, whether it's your own internal flame or with a lover. Let's get into one of my favorite topics, always one of my topics. And right now, more than ever, why sex and masturbation are so important right now. Some people have concerns about swapping fluids right now, swapping on your bodily juices. I get it. But whether you're single or dating,

or you're living with your partner, having an orgasm is a great way to keep your immune systems up and your stress levels down. First, let me say this, if you're worried about spreading it, and you might have already figured this out by now or checked this out, people will know, okay, I have sex with COVID-19 spreading here's how. So the virus can be transmitted through direct contact

with someone's saliva or mucus. If you are with a partner and they're infected, you should not have any sexual contact with them at all. Just like if they had the flu, you wouldn't have any kind of regular flu. But if you are quarantining with someone and you guys have been in the same house for a while, still take the precautions of washing your hands

and all those things, but it is okay. Your first safest sex partner is yourself. Remember masturbation is sex with someone you love, and the next safest partner is someone you live with. So those are the official rules, the official guidelines. Okay, so the thing about sex and masturbation, it does boost your immune system, and we're all about boosting our immune system right now. It lowers your blood pressure, having orgasm, and just having touch, and it does boost your immune system. And we're all about boosting our immune system right now. It lowers your blood pressure having orgasm

and just having touch. And it does release all of those feel good hormones that actually boost our overall mood, oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin. And you guys, sex and orgasms are actually good for you. They are mood boosters. It is true. Like, I know that I'm eating like more greens

and I'm taking like immunity supplements and I'm really trying to, you know that I'm eating like more greens and I'm taking like immunity supplements and I'm really trying to, you know, I am washing my hands, I'm exercising, I'm sleeping well, but let's not forget orgasms. They do really touch. It releases feel good hormones that boosts our overall mood, oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, and hey, people who have sex weekly are happier than those

who have it less frequently. Studies have shown that sex stimulates growth hormones in the area of brain that helps you with long-term memory and cognitive functions, and it also helps you. It's also a natural pain relief, you guys. I think we all know, like nobody's ever said, like, Emily, why did you talk me into masturbating or why'd you talk me into having sex with my partner? It really sucked. I mean, now is really like, especially if you're, you know, let's talk about masturbation,

if you're alone, it's funny. I've been hearing from a lot of men during this. You guys have been messaging me on Instagram and Twitter and all the places. And you've been letting me know that, you know, you have some concerns about actually masturbating too much. And that's the other end of the spectrum, which we can get into. But I feel like there's a lot of women

that when we're stressed, we just don't go right to our Volvo. We're not like, let me masturbate. Let me touch myself. It's really important for women to continue to touch yourself, love yourself, take baths to all that self-love stuff that might seem kind of like self-care and all those things,

taking a bath even, just touching yourself, and, you know, giving love, giving yourself orgasms, it really helps. And then it becomes kind of think, kind of like exercise, that we've, we think that it's such a pain in the ass and then once we start exercising again, we almost can't stop, but like we do it one day, and then the next day and then we're like,

oh, I can't believe I never exercised. Like, sometimes the hardest part, it's getting on your shoes, getting out the door. Well, the same things goes for a healthy masturbation routine. And it also helps you guys with anxiety, just so you know that, that, the activity of the brains that regulate anxiety, the hippocampus, the middala, they both shut down during orgasmic experiences. So all your negative thoughts, all the negative self-top, all the worries, you'll have a little reprieve, you'll have a little vacation from all the worry if you have an orgasm and you

play with yourself and you figure out what makes you feel good. Kind of like meditation and yoga. So here's the four stages of sexual excitement for women. It's a sexual excitement stage. So this is the stage where we get excited about sexual activity. And that starts like increase our heart rate, our blood pressure, and we get like a healthy glow from just like thinking about sex. And then that increases oxygen to our skin, which also helps us, you guys. We need some blood flow right now.

And it helps flush toxins from our skin and from our body. So the next stage is the arousal stage and that's where you've heightened blood flow, we get muscle tension and we start to feel that like tension through our body. The third stage is orgasm. So this is the shortest stage for women. It can ask only a few seconds or a minute,

but there is a powerful release of sexual tension. So our muscles are tensing at first and then they relax. And then we get this rush of hormones. It rushes through our body and it kind of helps us like oxygenate our blood. And that's where all the good stuff happens. Now these sensations from orgasm are available to women who experience orgasm without a partner. You don't need a partner. You don't need a partner to feel this good. You can use a toy, you can use the shower head, you can do whatever you need

that helps you get there. But I think if you haven't been having orgasms, you haven't been having pleasure, we all have time now. It's interesting that all the things that we use to tell ourselves we don't have time for, we don't have that excuse anymore. So the last stage of a rousal is the resolution stage. And that's when everything kind of returns to the baseline, hormones and oxygen, those are still making us feel good. But sometimes after we get to the third stage, after orgasm, we might be realizing

that we can actually go again. So I believe that many women have the potential for multiple orgasms. We just don't ever pursue it. We just think, oh, I've only had one and that feels pretty good. I'm out, but I can tell you that I thought I was only could only have one orgasm until I decided to make it my mission. And it was part of my journey of starting sex with Emily and learning all these things that I teach you is that,

oh, I can have many orgasms. So that's your little orgasm encouragement. A lot of guys are like, am I masturbating too much right now? And I get it. You're alone in your room. porn is readily available. But again, if you're doing something eight hours a day and you used to be doing it for 10 minutes a day, I would say that there is a challenge here.

There is a problem. Are you a sex addict? Is your life ruined? No. But if you realize it, it's just too much. It's like watching too much TV or eating too much. And it's something you might want to regulate and say, you know what?

Right now, what do I really want in this moment? Because sometimes we do something excessively, like we're masturbating at hours a day or we are excessively eating or we're shopping online, it's because we are masking some underlying stress or anxiety. And so the best thing to do is to examine like, what feeling am I trying to mask right now by masturbation? It could be some sadness, it could be loneliness,

it could be worry, get into those feelings and emotions, even though they're really, really hard, I get it, but typically we're masking something else. And again, this is not the time to beat ourselves up. Like, you're not going to die from too much masturbation. So I really wouldn't worry about it. We things are in flux right now. I'm just saying, it's a sign. It's a sign that there's something else that we're not paying attention to. And there are other tips for masturbation. We have plenty on our website. That's the other

thing you guys. If you've just been like, you know, I just like to listen to sex with Emily. I don't have time to read her website. Well, child, the blogs and the post, things we have there. You've got 15 years of really great material and all the things we talk about on the show, how to have a multiple orgasm, different masturbation techniques for men and for women. So check that out at sexwithfamily.com. All right, sex, orgasms, masturbation. There's another thing you guys, for people in times of high stress and anxiety that actually causes some people's libidos to skyrocket. So you, and you might feel guilty about it because some people are like, God, the world's on fire, how could you possibly want to have sex right now? But it's that attitude that some people are like,

I'm super horny. Like, it's kind of like the more we try to push it down to them, it gets more intense. So it doesn't really mean that it makes its ones less. So if you're like, what Emily and your listening is going, I want all the time, there's actually nothing wrong with that at all. It could be because you're feeling more vulnerable. Sometimes your brain could be saying, I'm never going to have sex again. I might as well do it all, might it'll do it all the time right now. So no matter where you are right now, whether you're not interested in sex, or you're wanting too much, I think just being aware, being healthy,

washing your hands, making sure that you are having sex with somebody that is safe right now, and you're taking care of yourself. And I think it's a great time to do some internal explorations as well. And if you feel like you are repetitively masturbating or having sex in a way that starts to seem excessive, try to get some new, it's kind of like how they say you should cross train, right? Like I used to be a runner. I was running all the time. I was running marathons and people, this is when I first heard cross-training.

They're like, but you really need to stretch and you really need to do yoga and you really need to live weights to kind of balance it out. And I was like, fuck that. I don't enjoy any of that. I just like to run. It's so therapeutic. Well, it was until something happened, like I blew out my knee that I was like, oh, I get it now. And then working in like stretching my muscles that I could be a better runner, lifting weights so I was stronger and I could run faster. Like, I didn't get it until there was a problem. Well, the same things goes for sex. If you're always masturbating in the exact same way, that's fine, you're gonna have your orgasm.

You're gonna have that orgasm high, like I had my runners high. But to really figure out, like, can I tease myself? Can I delay my orgasm? Can I use my imagination instead of just watching porn? Can I use my left hand instead of my right hand? Can I actually explore internally if you're a woman? Let me go inside of my vulva.

Let me go inside my vagina and see, check out some other nerve endings. If you're a guy, oh, I never put my hand on my balls or I've never teased my shaft in this way. I've never used lube. So again, the amazing thing about sex is that it's not linear and there's not only one way to have it and to touch ourselves

and there's so many other paths to have it and to touch ourselves. And there's so many other paths to pleasure. So I say if you're getting into a sexual rut, whether it's a rut with yourself or with your partner, oh God, what a great time to figure out. This is stuff that will serve you a lifetime, not just in quarantine, how to keep your sex life interesting when you are alone or with a partner for a lifetime. All right, those are my orgasm tips, guys, and sex tips. It's good for you.

Okay, let's talk about relationships. Maybe you live with your partner, maybe you're in a long term relationship, are you just starting dating someone and you actually are only able to like face time right now or Skype. There's probably a lot coming up right now. Either you intensely miss each other or again, you're living together and you're having to deal with sharing the same space

and figuring out like, how do we, how do we actually share this same apartment, this same home and still like co-exist, want spend time together and work together and have sex. Like how do we do all this stuff, especially if we've never, we don't have great communication skills.

So, I just wanted to cover some basics of communication. Now, this is great skills to have with a lover, with a friend, you know, at work. But I'm going to review with you because these are stuff that we do not learn in school. We only learn from healthy partners or if you listen to my show or you've been in therapy. So first off, make sure that you make time for your relationship. I used to have like a spot with a boyfriend, we called it the truth couch. And we had this part of our couch whenever we had something to discuss that was really

like a problem or a confrontation in the relationship we'd be like, okay, let's go to the truth couch. And even though we always sat on that couch and we would watch TV or we eat dinner, when I said truth couch, we would like turn off our phones, we would turn, turn each other and we knew this is where we're going to have a conversation. So you know, like this is where we're not going to get interrupted. And it was kind of fun because it was like, okay, truth couch. That just became our thing. So just have a space where you could go where you're not getting interrupted.

And make sure that you guys practice active listening. So when your partner says something a really great way to do it. And again, you guys, this is a practice. Don't beat yourself up. You could even take notes on this and say Emily said we should have a location. And we should practice this thing called active listening because even I forget to active listen and it is my job to teach you. So, well how you do it is, you kind of repeat back what they say. So maybe you're sitting on

the truth couch and your partner says like, you know what? They say to you, I really need space sometimes especially since we're in this house together, you know, all the time and what you're first thought is like like I'm giving you a lot of space and you never are talking to me since we've been in quarantine you have all the space you want what are you talking about that might be what you want to say and you might even say it and it's okay if you say something that you don't mean to you go you know what I'm sorry let me think for a moment so again this takes a beat and this is a practice.

But what I'm asking you to do is when your partner says, hey, I really need space sometimes, especially since we're always in this house together, what I would encourage you to do is to repeat it back and say, let me repeat this back to you. I heard you say, you need some time alone during the day, just to yourself. Well, we're in this house together during quarantine. Is that right? Now, by doing that, it gives you a moment to process it, to repeat that, and make sure that your partner is feeling hurt.

And then we'll say, yeah, that's right. And I feel what they say to you. And I feel like I said this to you last week. And every time I'm alone in the kitchen, you walk it. Now, this is not the time for you to go, I've never walked in when you're in the kitchen. This is the time when you say, okay, so what I'm hearing you say is, we've already agreed to a long time, but you have felt when I'm in the kitchen, I've walked it.

See what it means to you're slowing it down. And they could say, well, it was just that one time we were in the kitchen, I've walked in. See what I mean? So you're slowing it down and they could say, well, it was just that one time we were in the kitchen. And then this really allows us to allow them to have their part. And then you guys kind of get into problem solving mode. Because you both want the same things, right? I believe that when we talk to our partners, and we have confrontations, or we bring up something, it's never easy to bring up.

We want to get to a resolution and remember, compromise is a big part of this. So then you just kind of set some rules and guidelines here. You say, okay, so you know, these days from one to two and you're in the kitchen, I'll make sure I don't come in here. And then you get to talk and then you get to say, okay, I understand that you need time and space. What I need from you is this. And then they do the same thing back, they repeat back. And so I think that's just a great, like, beginner, like, how do I, you know, how do you communicate in a healthy way? The other thing you wanted great beginner, like how do I, you know, how do you communicate in a healthy way.

The other thing you wanted to do, I was gonna give you one of two tips now, and I'm gonna continue to be doing podcasts for you. But the other thing is, and this is like, use I statements. Whatever you, you never pick up your clothes. You never give me space. You haven't done the dishes.

The second you say you to somebody, they are completely on the defensive. But when you use I words, followed by feeling words like I feel, I feel when the house is a mess, I'm not able to actually focus on other things. It makes me feel like I'm the only one doing things around here. You know, all of your real I feelings, your I words and your feeling words, people can't argue with that. They can't say you can't feel that way.

They can't say you feel just, you don't feel disrespectful. No one can argue with your feelings. So repeating back what your partner says and using eye statements is just some great ways to just kind of get through compromise and healthy communication because we don't know how long we're going to be at home. Okay, if you live together, then also make a relationship check in. Like, how is your mental health going? How is it going working? And maybe before you get into conflict mode, maybe you don't need the truth couch. But how is your mental health?

How is it working in the same area together? Like, how much space do you need? Are there hobbies or new things you want to try together? Have you ever taken the love language quiz? That's a really fun thing for couples to do. Like, What is your love language? How do you give an experience love? We have that on our website. A lot of couples like to listen to my podcast together, like maybe when you're making dinner together, if you haven't done that yet. For 15 years now, I always hear from couples and it seems more and more lately that are like,

it's kind of like therapy because you're going to listen to the show, you can fast forward, you can be like, I heard this in sex with Emily and then you don't have to say, hey, I've really been wanting to try this new communication method or this new oral sex skill, you can just blame me and be like, oh, Emily, what do you think about what Emily says about, you know, licking my shaft during oral sex? Is that something you'd be into? So that's really fun too. That can help facilitate some healthier conversations. Well, we're all at home.

All right, if you don't live together, now this can be really challenging. Like how, how is a time apart affecting you? How do you stay connected right now when you are separated? You know, I feel like we have a lot of information on our side about long distance communication and long distance relationships, and I've actually been saying this for a

little while now before the quarantine that if you are in a long distance relationship or you're separated, there's a lot of great technology right now to kind of help us if you have to be separated. Like, I wouldn't have said this five years ago even, but you know, with FaceTime and Skype, but also there's amazing some great toys right now, which I'm going to get into a minute. But there's toys, Wevi makes toys that connect with an app. That's kind of like a FaceTime app. It's called WeConnect.

And it launches while you're using the app and your partner control it so you can be looking at each other. And they're actually, they could be controlling the apple, you're using it, you could be controlling the apple, they're using, you'd also add a chat function. So it's actually,

I think it's a pretty cool thing, but also with FaceTime and Skype, we could also actually have dates, right? Well, we can't do as touch each other, smell each other, but you could say if you're living apart, let's talk 15 times a day. Maybe that gets exhausting,

but we're gonna have a date night, eight o'clock. We're gonna talk, we're each gonna have our meal. We're gonna have a glass of wine. And you could have some actual conversations that you've been meaning to have. Maybe you fill out the Yes, No, Maybe list, which is on our website, which is a great tool for couples

to kind of look at different sex acts that they wanna try. So it could be like kissing, yes, no, me, more kissing, anal, yes, no, maybe. And then you kind of compare, do we each want these things, don't we want these things? There's some other great questions we have on our website. There's a blog post about like great questions to ask if you want to get to know each other better. The 36 questions that lead to love. So in 2015, there was an article in the New York Times to fall in love with anybody,

and it was interesting. I have not done it yet to fall in love. I haven't really been in that place because I just haven't, but I bought the book because I wanted to share with you because it has some really interesting questions that, and I think we did do a blog post about this, but I believe that like,

if you're just bored, like, how was your day? Like, after a while, let's be honest, there's that lot of time I watch TV. I talked to my mom. I went for a walk outside. But if you want to get deeper and more intimate with the partner, some of the questions are like, what would constitute a perfect day for you? If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain you to the mind or the body of a 30-year-old for the body of a 30 year old,

for the last six years of your life, what would you do? What would you want? Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common. For one life, do you feel the most grateful? If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? So I just think that these are, again, great ways to enhance intimacy while you're not actually with your partner. Like, I'm talking to people every day and I'm just kind of like, okay, what else is there to say here? But if you, you know, we're all going to get out of this quarantine and we're all going to be in the same place again.

We're all going to see our partners. But if you're constructive and I'm not saying every conversation has to be like this, but like, if you could figure out more about your partner and go a little bit deeper rather than just staying on the surface of talking about, like, you know, what your mom just said to you or what shows you're watching on TV and and all those things. But actually, like, who is this person? Like, I want to know about their values. I want to know if we have the same values, you want to know about their soul, you want to know about religion or how they see living their life in the future. I think that if we've been too afraid to have these conversations,

because let's be honest, life is really slowed down right now. We all have time to think a lot, to contemplate, to do a lot of the things that we just kept putting off. And I believe, I know this actually from hearing from a lot of you, that the things that we put off is finding the time and space to have healthy communication with our partners. Finding time and space to actually have the conversations that you always ask me about, you know, I always say like,

you're like Emily, how do I tell my partner that I really wanna have sex more often? Or how do I tell my partner that, you know, my feelings have been changing or that I want to try something different in the bedroom. And I always say like, do it when you're outside the bedroom, when you are in a relaxed state, when you're just, you know, in a neutral place,

in a neutral tone, just kind of like, keep you very encouraging, be curious, don't be judgmental, you don't want to be blaming or shaming your partner. So we have plenty of time right now to be at a spot where we can like, hey, you know, I was thinking about this. Like, let's tell me more about the fact that you don't like

receiving oral. Like, where did that first start? You know, all the conversations that were like, oh, how come my partner will let me go down on her? Why doesn't he like blow jobs or we can have these conversations down. The universe is just given this amazing opportunity to slow way down, to contemplate, to think, to have intimate conversations

that will lead to greater intimacy. So I'm excited about that for all of you. I really am. All right, guys, I wanna thank you for also supporting our sponsors. Remember, I so appreciate that you support them and because you're supporting them, they're able to still be in business

and we're able to still do the show. So thank you again for supporting them. And I love you all. We're gonna take a quick break and we come back, we're gonna to still do the show. So thank you again for supporting them and I love you all. We're going to take a quick break and we come back. We're going to get into your email questions. All right guys, I love answering your questions. So keep setting them if you want a question answer on the show. Just go to sexwithemily.com, click the ask Emily tab, build the short form, and just check guess if you'd like to be called.

You could also send me all your questions and comments to feedback at sexwithemily.com, and always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. All right, this is from Sydney, 25 in New York. Hi, Dr. Emily, I've been in a long distance relationship because my boyfriend is in the military. Well, this is really relevant right now, right?

Guys, we're all in long distance relationships. If our partners apart from us, lately, every time we video chat, he wants to have Skype sacks. Don't get me wrong, I want to as well. However, it's really difficult for me to get turned on when we aren't physically together, mainly because I miss him so much.

Do you have any suggestions for how to get over that or ways to help me? It's really important to him and I don't want to let him down. Any suggestions would be so appreciated. All right, Sidney, so I like this question. I know we just touched above about having like Skype sex or FaceTime sex.

Let me tell you this. You said it here, Sid Sydney, that it's not that you don't want to have the Skype sex, but you're saying that sometimes you're just not turned on when you're not physically together, and what I'm going to tell you is, first off, you're probably not turned on because you're not aroused yet. You need to let him know what actually turned you on,

and it might be 15 minutes of conversation. It might be him sending you some sexy texts. It might be you letting him know what would turn you on and it might be 15 minutes of conversation. It might be him sending you some sexy texts. It might be you letting him know what would turn you on when you actually get on the video chat. So I think this is really just a communication thing and it's okay that you don't want to have sex with them every time you get on the phone. So remember you guys, we get to set boundaries and for women, we often don't realize that we don't get turned on the same way that men do.

If you're with a man, they typically have like spontaneous desire and arousal. Like he sees you on Skype. There's your face and he's like, I'm ready to go. I have an erection. I'm hard. Let's go. But for women, many women, we need a little bit more to get turned on. You know, women are slow cookers, men are frying pans. So like, you might have needed to feel connected with him throughout the week. You might have needed some sexy text from him. You might have wanted to start playing with yourself and touching yourself and had an orgasm to get you already going. You might have wanted to talk to him for five minutes.

So you felt more connected, women have more responsive desire. So while he's spontaneous, you're more responsive. Women tend to respond to incoming stimuli. So it's okay that you're not turned on the second news to Skype or the FaceTime goes on, right? And I want to tell that to everybody in quarantine now as well that if you are, you know, it's okay that you don't want to have sex, Skype sex or phone sex every time you get on the phone with someone.

So it's not so much about getting over the fact that you don't want to. It's about letting him know that you have boundaries around it and that you'd like to set some parameters around when you actually have phone sex. And then also ways to keep it interesting could be different positions, different lighting. Maybe you guys read each other erotica or you use some toys or maybe you do a strip tease for him. You wear something that makes you feel sexy. So I think like, especially because a lot of us are faced with only having,

you know, phone sex, Skype sex right now, FaceTime sex that we actually might need to even spice that up. I mean, you guys are always asking me, how do I keep my regular sex interesting with the partner? I see all the time. Well, if we are only having sex online right now on our phones, we also have to keep that interesting. So like dirty talk, setting the scenario, coming, switching like bucket lists to each right down three things you want to try and swap lists. You know, again, for you, Sydney, talking about things you want to try when you actually see each other again, could also be really hot. So I'm just the act of talking about it can make everything a lot hotter.

All right. This is from Rob 40 in Canada. Hi, Dr. Emily. So my best friend approached my wife for a threesome, including me, but he didn't speak to me about it. So we are at a party with a lot of other close friends, many drinks, and some, including this best friend, were on recreational drops. Some point of the night, he decides to pull my wife to the side and let her know that he has always found her very beautiful and that if forever a fantasy of ours to have a threesome with another man that he'd be honored to share in that.

Now my friend has always been very sexually open and fairly experimental, but the fact that he went to my wife and persisted with his idea has bothered me, considering that she'd given no indication this is something we've ever considered. On top of this, he hasn't spoken to me about it or vice versa. And then the other 90 followed up with some texts explaining what it should happen. Bench and the drugs and toys he was able to supply also one text said, I even told Rob and never would. The whole situation irked me.

I don't know whether to point it down to drugs slash drink coupled with a very open sexual person or my best friend trying to convince my wife to sleep with her. I'm a big fan of the podcast would really appreciate your input on this. I'm mainly very confused. All the best.

All right Rob, 40 in Canada. Here's the deal. Okay, this is not cool at all. I don't care if he's on drugs or he's drunk. This is your best friend. Your best friend approached your wife for a threesome and said not to tell you, and you're such a good guy. They're like, well, maybe it was the drugs. Maybe it was that we were all, he's actually open. Yeah, yes. The drugs can be a gateway, right? The drugs kind of we we have less inhibitions. However, I don't think it's cool at all that he went up to your wife and I actually wouldn't trust him. And also he texted her after to me. Listen, how we do one thing is how we do everything.

If he is being this way with your wife, I want to look at your relationship and see, is he really your best friend? Like, sometimes we keep friends around because we've known them for a long time. We have a lot of history. We've been through a lot. But would your best friend hit on your wife at a party? And now listen, I get it. I've done things when I'm drinking that I regret.

I'm like, I probably shouldn't have slept with this person or maybe I wouldn't have stayed out this late or all the things. But then he texted her after. So this is continuing to go on and I don't feel great about it. So what I'm telling you is, I think you have to confront him and let him know that this relationship doesn't feel great to you anymore because it was really disrespectful that he is your best friend and that he approached your wife in this way. It's one thing if you and your wife decided on your own like that you were interested in threesome and then maybe you had told your best friend and that he approached your wife in this way. It's one thing if you and your wife decided on your own, like that you were interested in 3-SUM,

and then maybe you had told your best friend, and then he came up to both of you and was like, Hey, I've heard you guys are discussing this. But this is not something that you guys can approach him, which I wouldn't actually recommend bringing a best friend ever into a 3-SUM situation. So basically, this is wrong on all levels, and I would have some major just trust about this friend.

So I would say the best thing to do is to confront him. Again, no, not, and you probably are really, you might want to get really angry and yell at him, but I think just like all my communication tips are to do it in a way that you are calm and you're collected. I think you want to have a call. I don't think you want to do it over text, and you want to have a conversation and just say

that didn't really feel great to me. You can find to my wife. And I think that was disrespectful. Can you tell me more about that? And then have a conversation. But I think this is a friend that you might want to keep at arms late. Doesn't sound like it feels very good to you,

even though you're a very forgiving friend, Rob. I definitely encourage you to have this conversation, sooner than later. All right. This is from Michelle 42 in Connecticut. Dear Emily, I'd love to wear a sexy lingerie for my husband, but I find most food war lingeries so uncomfortable. It makes me feel totally unsexy.

Adding that, I'm very petite, very curvy. You can see why it's hard for me to find sexy lingerie that fits and is comfortable. I'd love some advice where I can find these unicorns. Thanks so much for your super helpful show. All right, Michelle, great question. I was totally in the same boat. I was like, lingerie, I would buy it,

and then I was so uncomfortable that I was like, okay, when I'm in the mood for sex, I do not want to pull up garters and then get that little clippy thing around it and then try to do some weird bra thing. I mean, I just think that's again, something that's created for like the male gaze and doesn't necessarily work for women.

So my best advice to you is to get creative and look at your class. This is what worked for me. I looked at things that I wore that made me feel sexy like when I'm out in the world. And I found that it was very similar. I could kind of DIY that for lingerie. For example, I always wear tank tops, right?

I love a tank top. Why I'm getting like longer tank tops that were kind of fit like a dread, I'm short too, so I'm 5'2", and they kind of go down to like above my knees, and then I would wear like socks, right? Like those cute little like thigh-high socks or like sport socks that come above your knee, and I'd wear like a scarf over that or like a shawl that like things I could take off, right? Like sort of like a wear a bra underneath a tank or I'd wear my boyfriend's shirts or their boxers. Like for me it's about layers and showing skin

in places where I feel comfortable and I feel sexy. So you could do some like material and you'll get like you shawl's scarves, button down shirts, like all those things, we're heels. I think that like the stuff that you feel, we're dressed that you love, like a sexy dress, like I have dresses in my closet that I'll buy like, oh, maybe one day I'll wear that to New Year's Eve party

or I'll wear it to a crazy burning man party. If I go back to burning man, right? And I don't go back to burning man or I have it, but I have those things that are like a fur throw, like a faux fur throw. And so I think that for women, I want to give everyone here permission that we get to define what it's sexy because when we lead with confidence in the bedroom, add in life, that is a sexy thing on the planet. I also like the enclosed, which is a laundry, which is a subscription service where you can go to our website and find

it's called the enclosed and you take a fit and style quiz and every month they send you something that is like a new sexy piece of laundry and their stuff fits great and it's like high quality low cost. So check that out. Great question. Thank you, Michelle. This is from Penny, 49 in Ohio. Hi, Dr. Emily. I've been dating my boyfriend for almost five years. We've lived together for two years now. I'm 49 and he is 42. I'm frustrated because he never initiates sex.

He recently told me he's just uninterested in sex. I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure what to do. I would really like some help on this matter. Thank you so much. Okay, Penny, here's a deal. This is super common to live with somebody and to feel like, okay, I'm the one pulling all the weights

actually. I'm the only one initiating or I'm the only one so interested in sex. But here's the thing, you really have to talk to him about it because I believe that our partners cannot just opt out of sex. He can't say to you, I'm no longer interested in sex. Now, at 49 years old, perhaps he's had a drop in testosterone.

Maybe he's really stressed out or anxious, you know, stress, anxiety, worries about money, our careers, or all things that can completely kill our sex drive. But when you're at a committed relationship with somebody, we cannot just say I am no longer going to do the sex. The sex is something that I'm taking off the table, especially because that's part of why we are, that's part of intimacy and part of connection and part of romance, otherwise you're just roommates. So the thing you asked about is he's not just initiating and he's not interested in sex.

So I would recommend that if he wants to keep his relationship together, he's got to figure out what it is that would make him be into sex again. Now, you have to also do this in a way that you are a team. When I see couples do often, whether it's the woman who doesn't want sex or the man, is they just say blame their partner and they're like, fix it. Go get your testosterone fixed or for women, go get your hormones checked.

Not only do we feel really alone and something like that, it's really challenging to fix it on our own. So to feel like you have a partner who's like, listen, I understand, you haven't been feeling sexual. Let's work on this together and find solutions so we can bring back intimacy and connection because I think we can both agree. It's really important part of being in a relationship.

So then you could maybe be with him and he makes an appointment and he gets a testosterone chapter. He starts meditating or starts working out again or whatever, you know, the things are making him anxious. We gotta get to the root of why he is interested in sex. And if he's then, if he's like, nope,

I'm still not interested, I'm not having sex anymore, you know, then you get to decide that it's just a relationship that I wanna be in. Now, the other thing is about initiation. I wanna go there because I am not having sex anymore. Then you get to decide that it's a relationship that I want to be in. Now, the other thing is about initiation. I'm going to go there because I get that question a lot. I'm the only one that initiates sex, Emily.

Why will my partner initiate? So here's the thing you have to remember about initiating sex. The partner that does it initiate sex, so the low desire partner, as we call it, and the high desire partner, is the one that's maybe always initiating. Well, the low desire partner is the one that has all the power and the relationship, okay? And the problem is, the reason why we don't initiate is because we don't actually have experience

doing it. We maybe never, we never had to. We never really thought about it. We were always with someone who wanted more sex than we did, and we didn't have to work that muscle. But just like everything in life, it is a new skill. So helping them in this situation as well, instead of blaming them and saying you never initiate, we assume since we're the initiators, for example, that everyone knows how to initiate. But they don't. It is a skill set that looks different to everybody. So you might let them know, you might let him know, Penny, and say, you know what?

I really like when you initiate, and here's what it would look like for me. When I'm sitting here on the couch right now, if you leaned over and started kissing my neck really slowly, that, I then I would know that you're in the mood for sex. Or if you set me a sexy text before you come home and told me what you want to do to me and what I should be wearing, that would be really sexy. Or if you just kind of like came up to me and like threw me down on the bed, that would be a dissation. So giving our partners ideas of what it looks like, then they would be like, oh, I get it now.

Because again, this stuff can be really new territory, it can be really intimidating for our partners. So I think that the best way to do it is to have really healthy conversations and communicate you guys now. If you're sitting here going, Emily, that is just the least sexy thing on the planet. If I have to tell my partner exactly what it looks like, I guess this is how you address me,

and this is how you kiss me, that I'm not gonna be in mood for it, I'm gonna tell you that you are, don't knock it till you try it. And I hear what you're saying. And I used to feel the same way that sex should be something that's just sort of so natural all the time and it stays amazing and it just kind of flows in and rises and falls like the sun. And we don't have to ever

talk about it because it's magic. Sex is magic and it naturally flows. No, that's actually not true. I wish that were true. But sex, just like everything else in our life is a practice. And if we don't work at it, we don't practice it, we don't hone it, we don't figure out all the nooks and crannies and the ways to make it work with our partner, it's just gonna die. And it's gonna sit there and your sex life is gonna be sitting there in the corner with your exercise bike and all your other, your books you haven't read and all the other things. It takes work, it takes commitment, it takes excellent communication, but I think now more than

ever guys, we all got a lot more time and a lot more space. And I think that something that you should all put in your bucket list right now would be looking at your sex life, your intimacy, what's important to me, what kind of sex do I want to be having, what kind of relationship do I want to be in. I think we're all evaluating our lives right now in ways that we were forced to. The pace of life has slowed down. A lot of us can't leave our homes and we can't really do anything else, but we're in our heads. I think we have to go easy on ourselves, make time for loving ourselves, loving others, and others, and put this on top of your list. Like maybe I'll actually work on intimacy and love. That's what I'm doing you guys.

I'm never done learning and I invite you guys to continue on this sex journey with me because I'll be here with you always. And thanks everyone for listening. You can find me everywhere right now. I am, as always, sex with Emily across the board. So all social media, some of your questions. We've been doing more Instagram lives, more Facebook lives.

I'll be doing more of those. Twitter, I'm here for you. I love hearing from you. We're gonna keep going through this time. And for now, you can still buy toys. You can still get things to keep things interesting. People are still shipping. So check all of that out at my shop with Emily Page. If you like this show, you can still get things to keep things interesting, people are still shipping. So check all of that out at my shop with Emily Page.

If you like this show, you guys, more than ever, please rate us, review us wherever you're listening to this now, Spotify, Google Play SoundCloud. Give us five stars, it helps. Review us an iTunes, leave us a few nice words. If there's any topics or questions, again, it's feedback at sexwithangui.com. And you guys, we're really, we're finding out new information every single day. So just keep, let me know what you need.

We all love you. We're here for you. My awesome team. Thank you to everybody on my team for continuing to work for everybody on this, during this quarantine and during these times. Ken, Kristen, Alisa, Brian, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you?

Email me feedback at sexwithamily.com. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪