Sex With Emily - Love, Lust & Other Addictions

Episode Date: November 8, 2014

These days it seems like everyone is addicted to something. Whether it’s a substance, a relationship, hot sex, or even our cell phones, we all have those habits that hold us back. On today’s show, Emily sits down with addiction expert Tommy Rosen to discuss the different forms of addiction, recovery and the path to better sex and better relationships.Together, they touch on some common relationship issues that couples face, and provide advice for a listener on how to recover from a recent breakup. Whether you’re building a healthy relationship, moving on from a bad one, or finding the confidence you need to face your dating fears, this podcast teaches you how to grow and prosper. Don’t miss out!  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, thanks for checking out this episode of Sex with Emily. It seems like we're all addicted to something today, whether it's drug, food, sex, or even your iPhone. I know I am. We're talking to addiction expert Tommy Rosen. He's gonna help us all, he's gonna save all of our lives tonight. Plus we'll be answering all your emails about sex and relationships. Thanks for listening to the show. I love being able to help you have the sex life and relationships you deserve.

And I want to give you the best show possible, so I really appreciate you supporting our sponsors who help keep this show free. Let me tell you about Promesson. Did you know one in three men suffer from premature ejaculation? Well, now you don't have to. Promesson is a quick absorbing delay spray that allows you to have the sex you want. You don't have to even think about baseball or your grain ant marker with a furry mustache. You can focus on your partner's hot body, especially now that you have the time to make them orgasm.

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ESENT. It's not rising to the top. That's the challenge. It's staying there. Check out promescent. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrub eyes.

They call them in a fight on day. Hey, Evelyn. You got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh, my. The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common, what do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh, my God. I'm off here. So, so, so. Being bad feels pretty good.

You know, Aveline's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information go to sexwithemily.com because there you can do so many things. You can check out our blog which we update every day. We've got videos. We've got a mailing list and I don't want to brag. You know, I'm not like that but I've been known, people say I give good email.

So I'll send you an email once a week. I won't tell your name and I, you won't, like I won't give it to porn sites or anything like that. I promise I actually will give you really good information to help your sex life in your relationship, which is why you listen to the show. So send it for that. And you'll also, when you do that, you will get a report.

The five biggest mistakes you're making in bed if you're a man or a woman. So check all that out. And you can also always follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. It's at sex with Emily across the board. I'm really excited for tonight, Joe. Hi, Anderson.

What up, Ben? What's up with you? Angon. You're saying, how's your week? Week was good. Yeah, good like I was a little bit late. I'm skateboarding again, and I already fell. I love it.

I love that you're a skateboarding. I cut my leg all up. I feel a lot. You did. You guys are all skateboarding. You and my chrono and stuff. It's like your thing. I have two sticks now too. I feel like a professional skateboarder again. It's good stuff. Yeah. Is it? How has it changed your life? I just have like you you forget especially being a boy that you're supposed to have like like cuts on your legs and knees. You're not alive unless you're actually out there doing things. Right. Okay. So you weren't feeling so much like a boy anymore. Not spring back. The worst part have like cuts on your legs and knees. You're not alive unless you're actually out there doing things. Right, okay. So you weren't feeling so much like a boy anymore, not spring back.

The worst part though, I fell while I was talking to my wife on the phone. She was yelling at me to get a helmet. And she heard me fall. It was very embarrassing. I told you, that's all right. I picked up the phone, it's smashed on the ground. I picked it up and she goes, all I heard her say was, are you fucking kidding me? Dude, be careful of that.

That scares me. Okay, listen careful of that, that scares me. Um, okay, listen, I gotta tell you something. So I, speaking of your wife. Yeah. So last night, okay, a few funny things speak that happened to me, interesting thing. So last night I get a call from a Dr. Dr. Dr. Producer on HLN. And he's like, oh, we need you to come in. Like, you know, it was like five o'clock and I was speaking on this other panel, I was

speaking on a panel in West Hollywood about it. Bragging again. I was speaking on a panel And West Hollywood about bragging again Not bragging. You're bragging again. Dude FU because listen. You do give great email. I do. Thank you I do you know and right right there. So we said so we said we're doing a show tonight and Drew wants you to be here We think it be really interesting blah blah. So it was about a woman. This is kind of an older story But we're resurrecting it because, first of all, Jews always like, we're not doing a lot of sex on the show anymore on HLM, we're not doing all of sex, but this show was like, all about sex.

So it's a woman who's 40, she been with her husband for 10 years and she decided for her birthday, for his birthday, to give him a year of sex, 365 days of sex. How would you feel if your wife gave that to your birthday? I mean, now would be cool, but when she's 40, I don't know. Dude, like, five minutes away, really? No, really, it's controversial.

It does like, who would want that, you know? But I think the point that I was trying to make though, is that- What about when she's like on her period and stuff? You get like twice a day on her day? I'm just like 28 days, but yeah, do a blowjob day. It doesn't mean you have to have sex. It means that you can just can be intimate, but they tried because I believe that,

that there's a crisis right now with sex and marriage. You know that I feel that way, and that people don't continue intimacy, and they think that sex can go in the back burner, and they don't have to pay time to do it, because they've got kids, and work, and life, and family, and I think it brings light to that. But all these people are like outrage, and all their friends are like, don't tell my pay time to do it because they've got kids and work and life and family and I think it brings light to that. But all these people are like outrage

and all their friends are like, don't tell my husband you're doing that. Outrage, they were. Yeah, they're like, well, who can do that? And that's crazy. Oh, she's setting the bar too high. She's like the new guy at work. It's like working hard.

Exactly. And everyone's like, man, that's crazy. I wouldn't want that. So I just wanted to see if you would want. I think that seems a bit excessive. Actually, you know what? I'm pretty, I don't like to go give details or enough, but I've been married for a year and a half now.

And we're both so busy that, yeah, it's definitely been put on the back burner a little bit. See, this is the problem is that couples let it slide. And they think they're going to get it back. You know, we'll get a wrap back around to it. But when too much time goes past, yeah, you get roasted. You're falling to rot.

You do fall into rot. So I want to tell you that and then another funny thing is that, um, well, I think it's kind of funny. But first, you know, I'm going to introduce my guest because he's going to have something to say about. Yeah, very nice young man sitting there. I love him. I love him. Tommy Rosen is my guest. And Tommy is not only a very dear friend of mine, but this is not nepotism here on the show. I would just have Monk as a friend because I have lots of friends. He actually is a remarkable person and he always has been a very big part of my life and he just wrote an

incredible book called Recovery 2.0, Move Beyond Addiction, and Upgrade Your Life. Welcome Tommy Rosen. Thank you Emily. I'm so glad you're here with me tonight. Because so Tommy is, his book is about addiction you have a thing oh yeah I'm whatever addiction I'm not addicted anything or talking about but I think it's really interesting because I do think that everyone's got a little addiction going on right now was to something and I think there was interesting points that you brought up in the book that even if it's drugs or alcohol I I mean, there's also just the patterns of the four, what did you call it?

The four aggravation, aggravation in our life that drive us to addiction that are underlying most addictions. And a lot of things that people don't, it's not really about the drugs or the alcohol, it's about what our aggravation are in our life. That's right. Which we all started from in some way and we, we mask them by even drinking a lot of caffeine or it's smoking cigarettes. Or for me, it might, in a lot of you might be able to relate to this, your phone.

I sleep with my phone. Do you think that's a problem? It could be. I charge it on my pillow next to me. It really might be. And sometimes it slips and I get anxious. Like, I won't hear my alarm and where's something happening. I turn it off tonight

So I feel like in your book This is really is really relevant I think for a lot of people they read it and it really strikes a chord for people who are just you know suffering in anyway And I think that you've done amazing things with yoga right now your yoga teacher and I want to give you a little bio here I'm gonna do Tommy's bio official bottom. I'm gonna tell you the real dirt on Tommy Okay, he's a yoga teacher, addiction recovery expert. He's spent the last two decades immersed in yoga, recovery and wellness. He holds advanced certifications in Hatha and Kundalini yoga and has more than 22 years of

recovery from acute drug addiction. And now you've become like this. So okay, Tommy and I have known each other for a really long, freaking time. I'd like to say 20 years. And you were my first friend, and I moved to San Francisco, like real friends, because I just moved there. And you had recently, which I learned reading your book, I mean, I knew you were sober.

You've always been sober, which was impressive, and annoying, because we'd be going to concert. No, no, no, no, no, I love it. You were like the best, you've always amazed me, because you've always been like the one of the best, so most fun sober people I know not to be whatever I know that but we go to concert with septal 6 a.m. like I'd be tired Damn, it's a lot of their dancing like completely, you know sober and it's amazing

And now I feel like you you moved to you abandoned me in San Francisco. It's not true You did about 10 years ago. No, no, you stayed in San Francisco. I came to Los Angeles I totally meant to come here early. Did you follow Tommy here? I did. Well, 10 years later. Were you guys friends or were you friends friends back in the day? We were not. Did we ever hook up?

Did we ever hook up? Is that what you mean? Yeah, it's shocking to me that you're sitting here going, did we? I don't remember. I think you're penis ever around to my body. You're penis to my vagina, but I think you might have felt my breasts on something. At least At least, at least.

Oh, no, twice? No, at least. I will. Okay, so when I first met Ty, I did have a big crush on you. So I have a very dear friend, Suzanne, she might be watching right now. She doesn't care, right? She does not care.

She was actually my very first friend, and I met her at a dead show. And this time, you wrote in your book that the dead was your first kind of spiritual experience. Anderson, how do you feel about the dead? I'm too young No, you're not I mean, I know of them stuff, but I know one song I'm a wien guy, which is kind of like the dead this guy's a very young man He's not know about grateful dead. Okay, so I went to like a dead Joe Susanne and I met her and we were like instantly

Be stingy, right smelly? Very very smell, very stinky. And Suzanne, I had this kind of relationship where we instantly became, you know, I was, you know, I'm the mother of a God children now and you are very dear. You lived next in their house. Were you living in their house then?

I lived with Ted Suzanne for years. Many many. In the psycho years. So, okay. So, I'm always thinking you're sober, you're fun, whatever. But I didn't realize how really, even though you were sober, how really truly psycho you were. That's right. I mean, mean we all thought you were psycho like Tommy's always been the fun

I mean in a way like crazy Tommy, but you know still you know sober which is so interesting because you talk about how you've gone through the 12 Steps but yet they're still the addictive mind that's right. It's well. It's shadow and light shadow and light to everything So there's this incredible thing, you know Very fortunate to survive drug addiction. There's no joke thing, you know, very fortunate to survive drug addiction. There's no joke there. Very, very fortunate to survive it. And I had to learn the hard way that you can survive drug addiction and still be stuck in other addictions.

We see people, they put down drugs and alcohol and it's like a whole sea of people. Like, ooh, people addictions. Let's get in there or food, ooh, food addictions, you know, or now it's technology and all the money addictions gambling, you know, spending, deading, all this stuff. Photography. Oh well, pornography.

Epic, rampant. Epic, I mean, this is like the thing I hear from people every single day. I've got guys pulling me aside, like friends are front, they're like, hey, so did I tell the story last week that I've got a guy front guy friends like, I masturbate. Do you think I have a problem? I don't recall you talking about that. He's like, I masturbate, um, twice a day. Do you think it's problem? And I'm like, no, totally.. I masturbate twice a day. Do you think it's a problem?

And I'm like, no, totally. Because most of you want to know if they're normal sexually. Well, it depends, too. If he's doing like two hours sessions, that's for all. No, you're just thinking, like, twice a day, no, you're fine. It's cool, because I don't want to know.

I'm like, it's fine. He's like, OK, well, sometimes it's four. I'm like, OK, you know, but is it affecting your life? Like with addiction, is it really havoc on your life? Are you able to work? Are you able to maintain relationships? And he's like, well, actually, I try to be with women

since it's six, he's the number. And he said, and I actually can't get hard with women. I can't get turned on. And so, and I just feel like everywhere I go now, it's just becoming this thing because it's like, raised the bar for a lot of men sexually. And they're masturbating all the time. And they've a hard time actually performing in bed. And it's like, it's like raised the bar for a lot of men sexually and they're masturbating all the time and they've a hard time actually performing in bed

and it's like it's rampant. I mean, it's available for kids such a young age. I was at a 12-step meeting recently and a guy actually shared, it was what we call a universal 12-step meeting. So any addiction is welcome. So this guy started sharing about his pornography habit and it wasn't so much how often he was doing it

or what the exact behavior was, but it was the feelings that went along with it for him. So this was a guy who he would have the sexual release and be caught in this fantasy world of images, images, images. And it would pull him out of reality. He'd have the sexual release. He'd feel completely empty. There was a great sort of depression that followed that release for him.

And it just perpetuated itself again and again and again, the guy felt so disconnected. And he reported back just like what you were just saying that the images were more powerful for him than real life. Right, exactly. That you can't beat that when you're having sex. It's like, no, you can't only beat off, you can't beat that when you're having sex.

There is that. Yeah, exactly. So it's true. But isn't that like all addictions in a way that you do it because it feels good in the moment. And then afterward you sort of had this emptiness with a many addictions. Short-term gain, long-term loss. Right. So you're, yes, I'll get a pleasure in the short term, but I'm giving up a bigger price. Right. It's unsustainable. So you and you got so we're at a young age which is so impressive. First of all, I feel like even you went to Boulder. I feel like all my friends went to Boulder like they just You guys parted your ass off. I think I kind of wish I went there. It was it was epic. I mean there was it was certainly

No holds barred. Let's just put it that way. Everybody took it just about as far as it could go and it was an era a particular era Those late 80s there in Boulder where I mean the cocaine was flowing and and the the drugs were flowing and the women were flowing and it was just it was game on over there and you know for people with my particular makeup and personality it was always had okay so you're married happily married now very happy very happy I was at your wedding which is beautiful yes and which was amazing to the you're married and happy I'm just and I know that you truly are like it's not like oh yeah there are they have because you never know it goes up I know that you're married and happy with. Thank you. I know that you truly are. Like it's not like, oh yeah, they're, because you never know what goes up. I know that you guys are a very strong couple.

Prior to that, Tommy, you were quite a ladies man. Well, define that, would you? I define that. Women, you love women, women love you. Yes, that's fair. That was a thing. And I loved you when I met you. I was like, oh my god, it's so cute.

Tommy. There were so many women that just absolutely did not love me that's a lot of them are just what no one general now i i want to paint at the accurate picture there were there was a uh... certain uh... there was there was a lot of attraction a lot of stuff there and there were plenty of people who were just you know we'll be like who's this jerk jerk off with those the ones that you would go after that they didn't like you not necessarily okay

not necessarily well there was some interesting, I mean, well, oh, God, there's so much to say here. But I want to say, like in your book, there were some things about the relationships that you were in. We don't have to get into that. That I would knew you during some of those relationships is interesting.

And I wanted to talk a little bit about codependency in relationships. Love it. Because I think a lot of people, suffer from that. They might even know that they're in this codependent pattern. So can you kind of break that down for me?

Sure, sure. I'll take you. Well, I'll give you a definition. So codependency, I look at it as the disease of the lost self. So you have lost a sense of self, a sense of grounding, a sense of boundary, where do I end? And another person begins.

And you're in a relationship with another person and never mind whatever state there and you're in that state of codependency. They might be also. So you go down the road and for a little while everything's working out. You're enjoying your time with this person. You guys are immensely attracted to each other. It's that beginning of relationship sex and it's just very, very in, very intoxicating, intoxicating, right? Super powerful. And at some point, and this is,

this is one of the ways that can happen is the sex in the relationship sort of takes top shelf over anything else. So that becomes the point upon which the relationship is built. Now, we all know there's no human being alive today that can maintain that level of sexual power, the excitement of it over a period of years. If that's become the main thing upon which your relationship is built, your relationship will not last.

So you have to, and when one has to develop the other parts of relationship, you cannot help it. If you wanna keep having great sex with your girlfriend, your boyfriend, your wife, your husband, your partner, you are going to have to develop the other areas of your of your life and relationship equally. Now a codependent, you've lost a sense of self, so you're looking for a sense of worth in the other person. You may be trying to control the other person, exact as a sense of worth in the other person. You may be trying to control the other person exact as a sense of control over the other. And there you are. There's no balance.

There's no. Your relationship is not built upon love. It's not built upon connection. It's a built upon this really shadowy dark sort of sense of, I am not a whole person. You may not realize it, but I'm looking to you as my drug. Right. You are my drug. So it's kind of like, right, exactly.

So it's kind of like how you replace, they always say that you replace another addiction, one addiction for the next. So it's over, but then you got into these relationships, some of them. And unfortunately, I've been all the way to hell and back through these kinds of relationships. I don't know, or yes, exactly.

You were there. I was there for them. In the middle of it. Truly, yeah. But I, so I think that it's interesting because we you just said about sex is like kind of what I was talking about the 365 days of sex thing is that I think that so many couples and it surprised me because I hear from people all the time and we're Getting to some of your emails that you write me at feedback at sex family.com. I love hearing from you. Is that people to me, we know this, it's such a phenomenon.

They're like, people are so, I feel like every day people wake up and they think they found out like the world isn't flat. They're like, what? Sex is so amazing at the beginning. Again, why aren't we having great sex anymore? Like they're so surprised, like they don't realize it's biology,

the beginning, the chemicals flowing in your brain, and it doesn't last without work. And people don't want to have to work at that, building the other parts of the relationship to sustain the sexual chemistry. That's right. And it's possible. Oh, it's more than possible.

And in fact, you, you know, through very deep intimacy, which takes time, but through very deep intimacy with the human being, you can reach into different spheres of sexuality, and you can have more powerful experiences than you can possibly have at the beginning. It's different. It's a different, it's like, you're entering a different doorway, if you will,

but it's super, super, super exciting. And the other thing, a very, very important concept for people to understand, if you're in a long-term relationship, if you're looking for, let's say, you have everyone, okay, fantastic sex at the beginning, all right, then there's a sort-term relationship. If you're looking for, let's say, you know, you have everyone, okay, fantastic sex at the beginning, all right, then there's a sort of taper off. And but you're in love with each other, you're really enjoying each other company, your friends, it's cool. If you, if you wait through a relationship long enough, you're going to see cycles in

your sex life. You're going to see periods where your sex is phenomenal. They're going to be other periods where you just can't connect to save your life. And if you wait through those periods and you stay connected, you communicate, you go through those periods, you'll find another period where it's the best sex of your entire life. Right. And it's just no rhyme or reason. But if you're expecting it always to be this way or it's always going to be good or

oh my god, it's bad, this will never pass. Therefore I have to get out of this relationship. A cheat or do some analysis or start masturbating. You may be missing a little bit of an important point. So here's the interesting part. So when you're in that dip though, the important thing you said is that you still need to communicate because I think the problem with so many couples is that they're in the dip and they don't know how to talk about sex.

So not like, Hey, honey, we're not having sex because I'm sure that you're very coonicative, communicative with your wife. So not like, hey honey, it's weird, we're not having sex because I'm sure that you're very coonicative, communicative with your wife, but you're like, okay, it's interesting. I noticed that lately, right? We have not maybe been having sex as often. And it's me, it's me more than her. And like you, I'm a Gemini.

Oh God, that's right. Okay, remember, don't forget. Don't forget. We're Gemini's exactly where the things are so close. That's true, that's true. Hey, is retro great done guys? Yes, retro is geek done. I've noticed no true. That's true. Hey retrograde done guys. Yes, retro I've noticed no difference everything's still ruined

No, Mercury records. They were laughing at me. I know nothing about I've heard it from a few other people since she's it Make it up mercury wasn't retrograde is that true or not true? It's true for people in Los Angeles for sure phones weren't working technology Break down. It was it was horrible. This whole episode didn't record It's not recording now. That's fine.'s fine and something. No, it's amazing. Okay, so let's talk about ways then that you guys have learned to, you know, think of you specifically, but like through yoga, for example, and breath and connecting with your body. So when you are disconnected, like, you know, they're head and their heart and you talk

a lot about that in your book too, about how, even though you did all this work and you've been yoga for a long time, that it really is, we can still be doing yoga and doing others, even meditation, but you're still not conducting your, your head and your heart. Sure. And so I think that's really important. Yeah. I'm still learning it.

Well, the, the, my head's like still in my office right now. My heart is, I don even know where my heart is. I don't think we showed up yet. Nothing's changed for me. I read this book. I'm like, God damn, he's evolved so much. I was that right? I was kind of anxious about it.

But no, really. I mean, you've been through a lot of powerful work. But how would you apply that sexually to couples to connecting? There are a bunch of lessons I've learned along the way. And I'm on your show, so I'm feeling's like innate pressure to sort of speak about sex specifically. Yeah, and yet there's there's a couple other lessons That sort of will feed in not our sex which we don't remember which we can't remember we did not have penetrated sex So so

Sparse we remember, most of the time. I'm telling the word. So, that was amazing. Right, that's sex ever. Okay, go ahead. So, I was given a gift. I was given a gift and it helped me to understand the sacred nature of what I'm developing

with my wife, which led directly into a better sex life and a better relationship in general. And the gift was my spiritual teacher saying to me, Tommy, you know there are only four women you're ever going to meet. And I was like, oh that's interesting. Who are these four women? And he said, you're only ever going to meet mothers, And he said, you're only ever going to meet mothers, daughters, sisters, and a special someone. Just one? Not necessarily, but at one moment, in any particular moment, there's one person that's getting that attention.

And the sexual love. Well, it's more than just that. So I was like, okay, interesting. So I meet mothers, for example. A mother is somebody, yes, typically they could be older than me, but not necessarily. They have a motherly energy about them. I'm not going to connect with them in any other way than as a son. And that means I have to develop that part of myself. How am I going to be a good son? Be respectful, be loving, be, you know, how a son would be to his mother. When I meet daughters, these are younger women than me. You know, At this point, I'm 47 years old.

Okay, you are? I am. When I meet, I think you're about 27, but... Yeah, no, it's so weird when we met when I was seven. I was dead shows. It's amazing. I was like, you're... No wonder you don't remember the sex. You're too young. That's horrible. I'm not for you. You're older than me. Go ahead. Well, you meet daughters, and of course you have to develop the paternal side of yourself

and Tommy, you'll have to be protective, loving, supportive, caring, just like a father would be for a daughter. But when you meet sisters, that's sort of where the problem comes in. Because a lot of these sisters in my peer group, who are, you know, let's say my peer group is 15 years below me and, you know, 15 years above me, like sort of in there. Now, those could be daughters, they could be mothers, but if I'm feeling that sense of physical attraction to them and they seem like they're in my peer group and they're not my wife, they fall under the heading of sisters.

And this is where I've got to get really good at becoming a brother. How would a brother be platonic? Fun, playful, not flirtatious. So you've got, you learned to cup, because you're always very flirtatious. These ideas are meant to cut, because you're always very flirtatious. These ideas are meant to be aspired to. Right, okay, God.

This is not a perfect plan. Right, right, it's not like you, I get it. It never makes sense. Am I ever attracted to another woman? What do you think? Yeah, I doubt it. For God's sake. Yes.

I'm a man, I'm in a human body. And thank God I'm with a woman who understands that's not threatened by that. Is my wife ever attracted to another man? Of course she is. You might probably like talk about it. Yeah, but it's simply, that's not threatened by that. Is my wife ever attracted to another man? Of course she is. You might try to talk about it. Yeah, but it's just simply, that's just not a problem. It doesn't need to be a problem. We're not threatened by each other in that way.

And that's huge because so many couples have this raging jealousy and they don't even know how to discuss it. So that's an interesting paradigm. It comes from a place of insecurity, of course. And that's not putting anybody down. That's just saying, hey, if you're looking in your boyfriend's Facebook page or you're looking at your girlfriends, you know,

diary and you're trying to pull out like information, that's because you have a lack of trust and that may be valid, but the fact is there's an insecurity there and you wanna know what they're doing. You wanna control the situation. Exactly. The fourth person is the one person you'll meet, that wife, that special someone that husband, whatever. The fact is there's an insecurity there and you want to know what they're doing. You want to control the situation. Exactly. The fourth person is the one person you'll meet, that wife, that special someone, that

husband, whatever. And that person is going to see a side of you that nobody else gets to see. Yes, it's sexual. Yes, it's sensual. But it's more than all that. There's a secret. Look, I get what you're saying. These are archetypes of people.

But can that one, can it be one person in one night and then one person in the next night? I guess confusing. There's one only one that there's one person in the universe for itself. Oh, I don't believe there's one person for us all in the universe, but it's just a question on how you want to spend your energy. How do you want to spend your energy? Ask me the question you asked Anderson. Would you want to sex every day for 365 days? Tell no. Oh my God, I'd be exhausted. Right. I mean, how depleting that is. But I think it's depleting, but it's more about being conscious and being being cognizant of your intimacy and connecting. Because so many couples let that slide.

That's right. Even just the kissing or the touching or it doesn't have to be sex, it can be massage. It can be. You know that couple though that did the 365. I they just started it now or they did it like last year. Do they report back how the sex. She wrote a book. Afterwards like the next year was it like 10 times total. They just got divorced. They were so over time. I wouldn't be surprised. I wouldn't be shocked. No, it was awesome. No, really like they learned that how they learned how broken their marriage really was because they had let all these other things get in the way of their

Connection the reason why and I think Tommy could probably Agrew with me here is that I I would not want to ever feel like it was a chore like we haven't done it today yet We still have to I saw that take out the trash to you know, absolutely I have time I never want to think of sex with my wife as a chore right But so many people do but how is so many people just take out the trash instead of having a second, like we gotta take out the trash, we gotta pick up the kids, we gotta do the laundry, you know, all the stuff, and then they don't have sex. So eventually it becomes habit, and you

learn to, you know, I know what you're saying, like, or really sex again, but I just think the point was it really connected them and she'd taught them a lot about their relationship and whatever. But speaking of that, a word from our sponsor, which can help you, if you are not necessarily having so much sex, you could buy a fleshlight. Because do you know fleshlight is, Tommy? I actually don't.

You don't, okay. Shocking me that people still don't know about. Maybe because I work on love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love. But like, I feel like everyone's walking around with fleshlight all the way. I'm sure about you fleshlight. It is the number one sex tape for men. And probably the only one you want. Like you know women give us so hundreds, thousands of vibrators, that's actually what I personally

own. And it wouldn't be amazing if you could feel the pleasure of having sex anytime even if you don't have a partner. It's a male masturbation sleeve. You really have you have stunned me. It's a masturbation sleeve and it simulates the sensations of sex. So you have the me. I know. So it's a masturbation sleeve and it's it simulates a sensations of sex. So you have the option you can do your hand. That's what guys have to get their hand.

But when we've all these other options, but now the fleshlight feels amazing, it feels like real sex. It's engineer to look and feel like the real deal and a lot of people think it's even better than me. Can I possibly get a visual? You can go to my website. So this is what everyone should do if you want one.

You should get my website. I don't know. A visual is just like it's made out of like their special material that feels like, okay, you can also buy one that's like a shape like a vagina of your favorite porn star. Not that you have one. And men use it for stamina training to last longer in bed. Did you say you could shape it like the vagina? No, there it is shape porn are shape of your favorite porn stars

have it like they mold their vagina into a flashlight and then you could buy it and you're like oh I really like who is supposed to be a terror Patrick I considerably more loose though the porn star ones hey ruins flying flying one in for you to check out oh cool you got to check it out so anyway the flashlight is amazing it's like sex and

can basically but if you're in long this is relationship your partner can you okay I think hand jobs whatever happened to hand job I love it. Good. The old fashioned. The old fish hand job like what happened to him I'm trying to bring him back so you can give your partner flesh light you can use any own room to come in room. Roons you can share your flesh light as you can check it out and have the most mind-bling orgasm to your life go to sex the Eliemy.com. Click on the Flesh Ay banner. And now, for all my listeners, you will get a bottle of their amazing Flesh Loob. It actually award-winning Flesh Loob if you use code Emily at Checkouts.

I'm stunned. Do you want one? I don't. Your wife can give you a killer hand job tonight. I feel really, really good. And no cleanup either. It's another good thing. Your wife will, like, that ruin actually has

these hanging over his bed, like microphones for like boxing matches. Like, he just pulls down one, whatever he feels like that night. Exactly. There is so, there is so absolutely no judgment on this. Okay. It's just interesting how creative human beings can be. Exactly. It's amazing.

Look at it. It's, you know, it looks like a flash light. A flashlightlight. Okay. So also another thing I need to tell you about speaking of sex toys. Um one of the reasons you're able to listen to my show for free is because the incredible people at good vibes.com. You remember good vibrations. I do. I'm sure you've been there. Do you remember sex toys? I actually haven't bought sex toys but I've been in the store. Right. Amazing store. But they also have good vibes.com. They care all the best sex toys. You can get the Vibratex Girls, which are my new favorite. The Dahlia.

There's amazing G-Spot Stimulators, like the G-Key by Jezou. I also love the Jezou Mimi, or the most organic vibrator of all time, the Magic Wand. So go to SecroTheMV.com, click on the Good Vibrations banner, and use coupon code gvmle20. That's gvmle20, and you get 20% off plus if you click on the banner you'll see I have my whole store of all the toys that I love and I've tried all of them I've been busy since you've seen me apparently really busy and okay so this is some of the things so I want to understand why I do the thing and it's like I like I like Tommy saying apparently I'm busy I imagine what's going on inside his head. I feel like we're always friends, but I just I feel like we've kind of lost touch

since you went on your old-spirits journey. She has over a thousand sex toys at her house. There's nothing you could say to me that I'm not already. That's not a lie. That's true. It wouldn't be shocked. It's true, right? It's my job. Thousand.

My literally my sister's like, you got to go on a masturbate tonight. You got to try out the dolly. They just sent us that. You got to try out the doll You'll send us that you got to draw this or that but now my intern suit to because we've like intern sex toy of you day Which is which is a good time. Do you have a boyfriend right now? No, you don't know if you had one would you admit it on this show? No, no, yeah, yeah, I would if I had a boyfriend. I don't like the term Okay, what term would you use just out of curiosity? I might sleep. I mean, you know I haven't had a boyfriend since't had a boyfriend in San Francisco, but I moved here and I left him there. And I've dated here and there.

And I haven't met anyone that I feel as worthy of that boyfriend. Or that I wanted to be a boyfriend. Fair enough. But you might know some people. So we should talk about all of that. Of course I do. Fair enough.

I would love to find someone a day a little bit. It would be a good time. Another thing that I have to mention here that I forgot at the beginning is that I am, because I'm so excited that time is here, is that I am speaking at the Sexual Health Expo. It's January 17th and 18th in Los Angeles. SexualhealthExpo.com. It's one of a kind. It's open to the public and I'm giving away 25 tickets. It's going to be two days of workshops with like the top sex educators in the country teaching workshops.

We're going to have like the latest and greatest toys. I'm giving the keynote speech. How about that? That's awesome. It's okay. We've got to write it. Not hopefully not the night before. January 17th and 18th in Los Angeles and I'm giving away 25 tickets. If you want to go in this could be like award ceremony and parties and all that stuff. So email me feedback at sexsexwithmwe.com if you want to go. And I will give you free ticket. Maybe if you tell me why it's a good reason that you should be going there to the conference. I like six. Speaking of you like sex, do you want to come? Okay, also, I'm skipping around here, but I think we have to go a little back to sex in the news because there's something really important that I need to talk about. What, I love sex in the news.

I know, I just got excited about Tommy. Okay, so Harvard, which is, you know, pop school in the country, they're offering a class right now on how to have anal sex and it's called what, what in the butt? Like the song. Exactly. anal sex 101. Now this has been controversial at Harvard. Is this true? Are you sure this isn't on the onion or something? And don't think I'm whatever, but it was on Dr.

Jersey, each of them last night. Can you just picture all the guys of the pipes and the tweed jackets that are like, I never I can't believe exactly. Well, all these university have sex week, which my university did not, I wish they did, or maybe it was always sex week. But there's an entire way of classes and workshops doesn't teach students about doing the dirty in a safe way.

So in the middle of sex week they're doing this, and it's what, well, in the butt, anal sex 101 that aims to teach the Ivy League students how to have anal sex. So they're saying so called experts from a local adult store will leave the Tuesday talk, which seeks to dispel myths about anal sex and give you insight into why people do it

and how to do it well. So after students giggling for like the first hour to the class, what type of topics will be covered? Well, they will cover. Anal anatomy, the potential for pleasure for all genders, how to talk about with a partner, preparation, hygiene, lub, blah, blah. So the thing about this is that it is obviously controversial

because anything about anal sex and the best part was last night because you know when we talk about like I love live, life do's always like, it's tearing, it's gonna hurt you, or, but the thing is about anal sex. He goes to is, I talked to a nurse, the number one prosthetic being sold today is the new rectum because about anal sex. His go to is I talked to a nurse and the number one prosthetic being sold today is the new rectum because of anal sex.

Exactly. He always says that. He does. I think he's opening up a little no but no, I don't know. But the thing is that, hmm. Well, I don't want to say never. What? Say what?

I guess it drew apparently his man who's so large he never even is interested in the butt because it's not even available to him. He's so big. For what I've heard. Speaking of big penises, Tommy just kidding. I don't ever say a penis. I don't think I did. She doesn't believe she did.

I did not say a penis. Lube is one of the most important factors of anal sex. I feel like a lot of people, I'm not like saying you have to have anal sex, but I feel like there's a lot of women who have really bad experiences like post-traumatic anal sex disorder because guys just like stick it in their drunk, they do it the wrong way. Drion a rape, like you had it. I didn't even try anal rape. Yeah, you got it that one time.

Oh, when? When they, you're having sex, drunk in sex with the guy. Right, for a second. He for a second. I was like, how are you doing? So that happens to, but he wasn't trying to have anal sex. The point is, is that so many people do it the wrong way. And so I think it's that you should teach a class because so many kids are watching

porn now and they're thinking, I have to have anal sex. And there is some pleasure to be derived from it. However, you have to do it right. You know, like I said, use lube. Don't just stick in there without talking about it. That's very rude. And you gotta use lube. And don't ever just assume that that's what she's into. You want to just like first like use your finger and just rub around there lightly. See's what she's into. You want to just like first like use your finger and just rub around there lightly. See if she's even into it, how does she react? And then maybe you stick a finger in.

And then maybe if she's okay with that, you can talk about the penis. So I think it's an important thing. Are you hoping to get a spot on the panel for the Harvard class? No, but someone tweeted that I should be teaching it, which I was sort of honored. Tommy, you got kids? I do not.

Imagine you have a daughter. What's worse, her growing up to become a stripper or her getting into Harvard and spending your 80 grand, your 80 grand on tuition and signing up for this class. It's a fair question and I have to say that there's going to be some backlash against Harvard for this class. I know. Well, for sure.

Better than the anal rape. I hear you saying, okay, another section of the new story is Tinder study reveals. How about you, Tinder? I've actually heard of it because of my cousin. Oh, really? Yeah, my cousin, could we bring him in? Yeah, totally, love him. The Peter, my cousin Peter.

And he lives with you, say it. Handsome, single, incredible, unbelievable guy. Love Peter. And he's rocking the Tinder like no other. Oh my God, it's like a full-time job. Tinder is amazing. I actually had a blind Tinder date on the show. I never met him.

He came in here. It was full on date. We had the wine, the whole thing. You guys can check that out that episode on iTunes, which is a really easy way to subscribe. So here's the thing. So Tinder is a dating. If you love Runes, it's a hook-up app, which is kind of base and grinder, which is the gay app, which truly is a hook-up app. But it doesn't have to, you don't have to like go like, oh, we're gonna have sex because we met on Tinder.

It's a choice obviously, but there are a lot of people who just meet on Tinder and you know, like, for example, if I met, you look at people's pictures, you say yes or no. And then if I say yes and to match and he sends me a dick pick, I might make that assumption that he thinks it's just about sex and that I would delete him. A good assumption. But that's not what I'm looking for. But here's what the New York Times did research. The average person logs on to Tinder 11 times a day. Women spend 8.5 minutes per visit. Men spend 7.2 minutes per visit.

The average is an hour and a half on Tinder per day. Women are pickier than men. Women swipe right like only 14% of the time. Men swipe right like 46% of the time. So when you swipe right, that's I guess when you are saying no to someone, right? No, no, right. Wait, left, right, right. Right is when you are swiping is when you're rejecting someone. But men are more men are more rejecting than women. Women are liking people more. So if you like someone, you like them. If you swipe right, it means you're passing on them.

So that's a deal. So it's saying here too though, that because humans are really, really bad at flirting and Tinder is one of the few ways that lets you know for sure if someone's interested, that's why people are so, they say, why it's Tinder so addicting? They're calling it an addiction.

And so according to researchers from the University of Kansas, the issue is not that we're on skill that the art of the pickup per se, it's that we have absolutely no way of telling if someone's interested. And this is true, I've actually heard these studies before that there's a lot of men and women who are unable to read the signs if someone's actually interested in them. So after watching 52 strangers flirt with each other in a room for 10 minutes, the researchers researchers really, researchers found that the men and women in the study could only tell

if someone was flirting with them 36 and 18 percent of the time respectively. They could, however, accurately determine if someone wasn't flirting with them. So correct the idea to find their conversation partners lack of romantic interiors 80% of the time. And I hear this all the time from it, and I went with like, God, I wish I knew, it couldn't tell if he liked me, all this stuff. So I think, you know, but I think still think

that there's something that's being lost to the art of just meeting someone in person. Oh, absolutely. And, you know, I never really dated online, except for my blind tin or date on the show. I'm actually went on a second date. I liked them, but just till the second date. And then I didn't like them.

Why? What happened? I liked that guy. I know you did. You really liked them. Anderson checked him out first to make sure he's up. Because I really... I didn't check him out. I mean, I talked to him. I didn't like, check out his package or anything. He come in and go tight ass. Anderson, like, he's totally fine.

So, if any was, he was sweet. But then he wanted to kiss me after the second like, he's totally fine. And he was. He was sweet. But then he wanted to kiss me after the second date, and I didn't want to kiss him. You were a pro. I had no idea. Really? Dude, just because I'm a biomacic,

there's such a penis in my butt doesn't mean that, no, I am a pro. And I have to say, no, I'm not a pro. But I was interested. I don't just kiss someone because I'm, I'm, I'm, but if you're interested enough to go on a second date, I would assume that you're in a morgue. Right, but by the end of the date, I didn't want kiss someone because I'm I'm but if you're if you're interested enough to go on a second date I would assume right but by the end of the date. I didn't want to kiss on so that to me was a sign, you know, so I think That's interesting and Tommy you you are always with women I just feel like you're saying no, they don't like you but like I feel like there's a lot of men

You always just had that personality that you know wasn't you didn't need alcohol? You didn't need drugs or anything because I never met you when you were doing those things. But you just had a way about you with confidence. And they always tell them that's all the time because that is one of the top questions I get asked is like, how do you portray a woman? And I feel like you always had success in that department.

I know you're gonna have to go way, way back, but what was it about that? How did you have that cup? Because I know you still have to have to go way, way back, but what was it about that? How did you have that cup? Because I know you still have insecurities like we all do. What would be your best tip you think? You know, there's, it's interesting when, when the worst thing that you can imagine happens to you, there's a certain freedom in that. And so the worst thing that can happen to a guy when he's approaching a woman is, is to be laughed at, like, or literally to feel a sense of shame or to be a- A rejection.

Like, like, powerful rejection and like, creating shame. That's sort of the worst case scenario. And when I was a young kid, that happened to me all the time. And you just got, you get over it, you don't die. I-I didn't die. I did get over it. I just kept getting up. And-and there came a point where there was-there was a young girl who was just like, yeah.

Yeah, I did you. You know, and we-and we hooked up, we got together and it was like, holy shit. Like it was the most incredible thing to realize, like, oh, there was some people that were just not into it. And then there were some people that were into it. Just like everything. And you were like, wow, I just literally, like, the worst had happened early on. And I just got, I got like more comfortable. But then you got more comfortable. So that's why I always tell guys, like, you might have rejected a hundred times

doesn't matter it doesn't i you get practice and you get more comfortable but there's so many guys were paralyzed in the corner and just don't know how to approach women well i mean to a certain extent there's like there's there's necessity involved you know and and literally like i really really really love women i really do and there's no other way to put it. And I love that about you. And I do.

And I love a lot of different kinds of women. And I feel, yeah, I love connecting. And I love life. And I have big appetites. Obviously, I'm someone who's struggled with addiction in my life. So all those things sort of went into this person who was very comfortable and To it, you know shadow and light we talked about shadow and light the light side of it was there was a tremendous amount of love and a tremendous

Mentor sincerity actually like yeah, I dig you let's go out and let's have a fun time. Let's go enjoy our lives That's all great. The shadow side of that is there's there's an addictive component to it Which which came out at certain points in my life. But the beauty was epic, and later on the challenges were really painful. Right. It's all of it. So. All of it dating is tough,

but I just feel like everyone just has to get out there, and everyone's always saying, like they live in the worst-town of dating, and wherever they live, and I think it's never about that, it's about yourself, it's about like, wherever you go, there you are. Well, I just have to comment on the,

there's no one to date kind of comment. Whenever, any of my, just, just hang on here. So I live in Venice, California. I'm, I'm in the yoga world, right? I teach yoga. And by the way, you should see what comes into my class sometimes. Hot. But it's, it's ridiculous. And, and so, but I say to my friends, my guy friends who are like, I, I can't meet anybody. There's no one to meet. It's like, it's difficult. I'm like, this is how it's gonna go down, okay? Go out and buy an $80 yoga mat. Go into a yoga class that costs 20 bucks.

You've now spent $100. Place your mat down in the class. Look to your left, say hello. Look to your right, say hello. You've now met two people that you could fall in love with and marry someday if you really wanted to. Who are gorgeous, who are alive, who are involved in a process that keeps them in great shape.

Not everybody who steps into a yoga class is the greatest person ever, but all these people are like actually going if they stay with it, they're gonna be moving towards being great people. Just go out and you- I think that is such a great advice. Come on, $100.

$100, why do you do it by the $80? You know what, rent a yoga mat. You can rent it for a dollar. $5. Okay, so where do you take, where candollar yoga mat? You don't. You know what? Rent a yoga mat. You can rent it for a dollar. Five bucks. Okay, so where do you take? Do, where can people find you and teach them all that stuff? All right, so these days, because I released my book, I've been on it.

The Coverage 2.0, and you want people to buy it at TommyRose and.com? They can buy it on Amazon. Amazon, okay. Sure. I release my book. I'm releasing a coaching course for people in recovery from addiction in this December 3rd. You can learn about all that on TommyRose.com.

But because of all these new initiatives, I gave up my local LA classes and now I just teach workshops around the world. So we're Costa Rica in two weeks. We're going to be in India in a couple months for six weeks. And then we're going throughout the UK and Europe from April and May. Get back and then we do a summer circuit here in the United States and it's just teaching all about yoga, meditation and healthy life,

how to live a great life. That's, that's, I'm so proud of you. I don't think you. I want to take when your class is, but now you're not even doing anymore. I missed the boat. We'll do a private. Yeah.

Anytime. I love it. I would love that. And I haven't been doing more meditation again. You remember, because that's a big part of your book as well And that you know, I think everyone should meditate and you remember like I did those 10-day silent retreats Do you remember I do I do when I went traveling backpacking and all that and then I am I've lately been meditating again Because that's is that why I've seen my calm to you tonight really mellow, but you'll appreciate this Anderson

You know the story of course So the other day I was on Alison Rosen's podcast. Alison Rosen. Love Alison. Yeah. So I'd never met her, but I was in a podcast. And she, so I got there early because my new assistant Kimber is awesome. And she's like, maybe leave my office in our head because it's

going to be traffic, right? Getting to the, it's the Corolla studios. It's in Glendale, Terrible location. But I got there 20 minutes. So I was like, OK, I'm going to do my 20 minute meditation. So it's kind of a take. I thought this was going to be turning to a ways ad. You're not doing an ad for ways.

No, I'm pissed at ways right now. I want to talk about it. So I was sitting there and doing my meditation. I closed my eyes. I got this app 20 minute thing. It rose for 20 minutes. I don't exactly how long. I'm going to do it 20 minutes.

And my eyes are closed. I'm six dark. I'm sitting there. And I'm doing it. And I feel good. I'm really great for this show and all of a sudden, I feel people coming towards my car and they're like, waving at me, waving at me. And it turns out Adam Corolla is trying to pull his car out of the parking lot. Thinks that I am just like staring at him because you can't see them.

I have some chick sitting in the car. And I'm like, really sorry. Adam's going to get out and I don't know how long they were waving at me. Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I was meditating. Yeah, I was just kidding how long they were waving at me but I'm like, oh my God, I'm so sorry.

I was meditating. Yeah, I mean, this chick sitting in the car. So then I like pull up next to him and he like gives me his lug and he like pulls out. Like I don't know how long they're gonna be. He's such a crotch deal, man. So he's like, he's in a really bad mood today. I'm like, I'm really sorry.

I'm not taking it. Don't have to say he's in a really bad mood today. They just have to say he's here today. He just preface everything with he's in a bad mood in the head. He feels that I feel bad because I was, you know, I'm trying to bring that, you know, into my life again, which I think is,

ironically, if he was actually meditating with you, he'd be a much happier person. I know, when we all be happier, if we did a little meditation, I think it's the breath, it's very healing. Oh, absolutely. We have to all get connected to that. Big part of sex, by the way. Let's talk about that for a second.

Sure. So obviously breath, the most important thing in the body. It's the highest, you know, the higher archaea the body's needs. Breath is number one. So we use the breath to, first of all, to control the way that we have sex, to control our release, right? And also to direct energy it's very, very powerful. Very powerful. You learn how to use the breath, you unlock certain doors that lead to greater pleasure,

and lead to a kind of a stamina that most people don't actually know about. So practice the breath work before, or actually during sex as well? Because a lot of people hold their breath during sex and they don't realize it, and it can actually prevent them from having women, especially having them having orgasms. Everything's about creating vitality and from the yoga standpoint, so you're creating

vitality, you're working with prana or life force which comes in through the breath and then we're trying to direct it. So we direct it in every aspect of our life and of course sex and sexuality is no different. So how can you use the breath to become a better lover, to become a more present lover, lover to become to strengthen your body and your vitality and to be more present? Those are powerful ideas. Do you think tantra stuff? Sure. So I mean tantra is a very misunderstood thing. So what you're thinking about, you're thinking about in terms of tantra is not what I'm...

No, I know all about it. Yeah, you know all about it. You know all about it? Yeah, yeah know about it. You know all about it? I know a little bit. Yeah, yeah. So when we talk about Tantra, just the word all Tantra really is, is about present experience. So am I into the present experience of sex?

Sure. That's where it's at. That's where the action is. In the more you can be present, the better off it is. You can bring fantasy into your sex life and still be present. Right. So that's an important idea. I like to talk to create a fantasy together and talk about role playing.

Yeah, well that's one way. But I just want to say that a person can bring that purposely with awareness, bring fantasy into a sex situation. That doesn't mean you're not being present with your partner. So if you're thinking about Brad Pitt, you're still super present with your partner because you're looking in the eyes. You might be taking slightly out of context. I don't like Brad Pitt.

I don't think he's cute. You might be seeing it differently than I'm seeing it. But the main thing that we're seeing, I'm a shallow. I think one of the sad things is that when people, they have left the building when they're having sex with their partner. Exactly. Because they're thinking about the porn,

they're just out of the building, and they're not really there, and they're more interested in their image of how they're going to get off, and image of what they think the other person wants, but they're not really connecting with the other person. So there's no intimacy, there's no connection. And I just think that's just shitty sex.

I do, I do too. I think that so many times when women are so socialized to please the man think about what's in women are insecure too, or they're pleasing each other and no one's enjoying the moment. And it's a problem except for Anderson enjoys it. Okay, I think we wanted to wrap up here. I have time for like, I was gonna do an email. They're saying, I'm gonna do an email, what's on me?

Okay, Tommy, I'm gonna do an email here. This is, oh, you'd like this post break up behavior, because I know you've had those. Okay, dear Emily, I'm a 26 year old male and recently got dumped. She's a great girl, but she's 24 and going through a PhD program and said she simply can't have a BF right now, boyfriend.

We went out for about a year and get really, can't have a BF right now, boyfriend. We went out for about a year and get really, really serious, but it seemed like I know where. We ran half marathon together on Sunday, then I left her alone to focus on school, then boom, we break up the following Sunday. I'm devastated and do not know what to do.

She wants to stay friends and reiterates her feelings for me, but with her schedule, she can't commit. Do I cut out all the lines of communication? Do I keep texting her when she texts me? Please help Ryan. Okay, Tommy. Sure, so I've been in this position a number of times. Yes, you have.

And I would say that you've got to really develop keen sense of intuition if this person is genuinely serious and they really don't want to be with you in that way anymore. I think it's very difficult, if not impossible, for someone to go from lover to friend. That's especially when one person is interested in the other and the other person is not interested back. So that transition from lover to friend can be like, you know, light years, light years, very difficult.

So sometimes it's very helpful to cut off all lines of communication, take a period of, yeah, what you're doing is you're coming back to your own power. Right. So it's a self-love sort of move to come back to your own sense of power. Very important.

Sometimes people talk about, you know, leaving town. Like I just needed to get out of town, you know, for a couple of weeks and left things pass. It's not that the person or the emotions won't be there for you when you get back, but sometimes a little distance from it can be a real positive thing. Yeah, I think so too. And I think that what he's saying though,

is should I tax dirt? No, you should cut it because people, she's telling you that she doesn't want to be with you Ryan. It's very, very clear. And there's no dispute here. There's no discussion. I think that he likes to think that he heard something else. But she was like really clear here that she needs her time. And often we don't listen. Well, here's the thought. Yeah. And so, and don't keep texting her back because it's a dictating or a text or a deleter number and take some time off. And no one ever listens

to it. But you should really delete the number and not text her back and cut. And the the thought that comes to the person, either the one who's been broken up with, the thought is, if I don't call her or text her, she won't know that I'm not giving up on her. She won't know that I'm not giving up on the relationship. I need to let her know that I'm not giving up on the relationship.

And of course, that's total bullshit. If you don't call her and she's interested in you, she will call you. Exactly. And you will immediately find out that she's interested in having some kind of connection again. So.

Right, so I think you got to cut it right and just to save yourself and to save your sanity. She told you you can't be in a relationship right now. You know, we often want to change it. If she was going to come around, she's not going to come around right. I'm just making her life here. I'm saving you many, many texts and painful, painful evenings. Okay, Tommy Rose, I wish you had more time because I wanted to tell you all the ways to change my

life. I've just gone so quickly, but can I just tell you that you've been, I was thinking about, this is going to be so out of context. This has been that you, you inspired me to first time go rock climbing that was huge it was a huge pivotal point you're like and you always were like Emily just come just do it like that's you've always had this joy the spirit about you that was like of course you're going and you loved it I freaking loved it and you were great at it and it was amazing we went so you're somebody all that you I made a documentary film and you were were the only person I know and who made a film. And I came to you and I said, Tommy, what do you think? You're like, you have to do it.

And then the first day of shooting, you showed up. And you really inspired me there as well. And then you also took me to Jazz Festival, which I went for eight years, and Sundance for 10 years I went. And that's all because of you. And then also, well, I'm going to get into the gambling stuff now because we have to cut the show. Well, we're going to gamble.

Well, he went through a gambling addiction after his drug addiction, after he was in. And we were, there's a funny passage in here where we went to Vegas to go rock climbing. We went to the Red Rocks, which was like the whole spiritual part of it. But then, but didn't know until I read Tommy's book that he actually had a gambling addiction that we were sitting there at the tables till like for 10 hours at the table. And I'm not gambling very much. Well, we were playing.

Played not Blackjack. No. Yeah. We got to go pi-gam. We really didn't move. And I never even gildly for it. We're sitting there. We're sitting there.

We're gambling. I'm doing very little. I don't even think I was in and ever around. And Tom is very, very convincing and persuasive. And he turned me goes, Emily. I need you to go to the ATM and I need you to take out $500 right now. And I was like, I don't even know you do that. Like cash advance, it's a cash advance. I'll pay you back Monday.

I'm like, I don't know this is going to be like, you got to do it. And like you just don't say no. So I went and I did it. I didn't know. I don't know when, because he's my friend. Gamefired. And then you found out later that you're feeding his addiction. Yes, it's terrible.

Well, that's terrible. And then I was like one of the people that was enabling him. I didn't know. So I'm sorry about that. But then the fees, who knew they charged you like $500 and that? I did that Tom. I've been, I woke up and I thought that I'd done it five times. And I found like two or three more slips in my pockets.

Oh, yeah. I'm like, oh my god, I want like $4,000, I'm not going my god I want like four thousand dollars not good Hey, Drew just walked in here and he's like who's that talking? I said Tommy. He's a Tommy Rosenatal He's awesome. Hey, Drew come on in. It's yeah, no, I just showed got a rap We got I got to go love you mean it. Okay, Tommy. You're awesome check him out at Tommy Rosen calm You can also Twitter. I wrote the book is recovery 2.0 no matter what you're struggling It's addiction or not you will be inspired and uplifted by his books or check it out on Amazon And thanks everyone for listening to Sex with Emily was it good for you? Email me feedback at sex with Emily dot com guys. Can I see a question?

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