Sex With Emily - Love, Sex, and Success with Gabby Reece

Episode Date: June 21, 2024

Volleyball legend and podcast host Gabby Reece takes the hot seat and reveals all her secrets to being a successful athlete, wife, parent and business owner with her famous surfer husband, Laird Hamilton. In this episode you’ll learn:  Sex rules to keep your man happy How to play farmer and flower to have a long lasting relationship Gabby Reece's biggest turn on, it's not what you think it might be Why being kind is better than being nice Show Notes: Join me for a Sexual Wellness Weekend in Canyon Ranch! Take the SWE Listener Survey Here! More Gabby Reece | Instagram | Website | Podcast SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure This episode is brought to you by: Promescent (Visit the link for 15% off) Want more? Sex With Emily: Home Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok  Let’s text: Sign Up Here Want me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.

Within relationships, saying how you feel being vulnerable, asking for what you want and need. It's so uncomfortable. You know, you talk about this probably all of the time, especially when you talk about sex, what I want. Why is that so hard? Even like a little to the left or a little faster? It's like all that is like, oh, it's so uncomfortable. There's so much shame in it. We just sort of, yeah, it's so fraught with confusion and stress and anxiety. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize

your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. On today's episode, I sit down with a legend, volleyball pro and podcast host, Gabby Reese gets into all the details on her sex rules to keep her man Happy how she can play farmer or flower in her marriage You're really gonna like this this little analysis here and probably find yourself in that equation and she shares what her biggest turn on is So stay tuned. Please rate reviews sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show It's so easy to rate the podcast.

You can do it right now. It takes two seconds and it helps get the show out to more people. We appreciate when you do that and we read all your reviews. You can also find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, Facebook, all the places. It's all at Sex with Emily. And check out my new articles, how to have or give a nipplegasm and five ways to pleasure a penis.

Those are up on Sexwithemily.com. Okay, one more quick thing before we get into the episode. I'm so excited to announce that I'm doing something for the very first time and I hope you're gonna join me. So I'm hosting an intimate women's retreat at Cannon Ranch Wellness Resort and Spa in Tucson, Arizona. It's coming up, it's June 27th to June 30th, 2024. So we're gonna spend four days and three nights together

where I'm gonna answer all of your questions in person. So we're going to spend four days and three nights together where I'm going to answer all of your questions in person. I'm so excited to meet you and have intimate discussions throughout the weekend about pleasure and sexuality, sexual intelligence. We'll have a special retail pop-up experience. We'll have cocktails. I'll also have all my favorite product recommendations. And I just hope you're going to join me. You can also experience all of Canyon Ranch's incredible offerings. They have over 200 wellness classes, courses, fitness journeys, all the things you want to do are at Canyon Ranch. So please join me.

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So head over to viahemp.com and use code EMILY at checkout to save 15% off your order. That's V-I-I-A-H-E-M-P.com. Use code EMILY at checkout for 15% off your order. I'm so excited for today's episode. We've been really wanting volleyball pro Gabby Reese on the show. She's hosted the podcast, The Gabby Reese Show. We've been wanting her on and here the day has come. This is a woman who is a role model to so many people.

She's not only a pro athlete, but a mom, wife to surf star Laird Hamilton, and an entrepreneur who owns and helps run Laird Superfoods and XPT. But above all else, she embodies the aloha spirit in everything she does, sprinkling her desire to make a healthy lifestyle accessible to all. So I'm excited, Gab, because I don't know if you remember this, but last time I saw you, I had been sweating in a sauna at your house for 90 minutes with your podcast with Neil Strauss that you were doing in like 2017, 2016.

I was gonna ask you about Neil, but I decided that we'd wait. We'd wait, right, there you go. It was such an innovative idea, to get into a sauna and spend 90 minutes talking, and I had never met you, I had known you a little bit. Of course. It was so great.

I remember leaving there feeling, just like it was a really good interview, very connected to you, understanding, like, you know, a little bit more about you. And I felt, I remember, I even had people listen to it after, I thought that was a really great interview. Like we got there, all the questions,

you guys were really like, I like talked about my childhood traumas, like a lot of stuff that came up that I a really great interview. Like we got there, all the questions, you guys were really like, I like talked about my childhood traumas, like a lot of stuff that came up that I hadn't talked about. So I'm excited to see you again. And that was fun, I know a lot's happened since then. And we have our clothes on. We do have our clothes on. Just for people listening,

we didn't have the sauna at a full sauna. It was probably like at 110, you know, versus 200, because they're like, oh yeah, right, 90 minutes. But I, you know, we call the sauna the truth barrel, Oh, yeah, right 90 minutes. But I, you know, we call it the song of the truth barrel. And that's what we I call the podcast, I was asked to do podcasts. And I asked Neil to do it with me for a myriad of reasons. One being we're different, but actually have certain similar goals. And I thought it'd be interesting to bring those points of view to I actually at that time didn't think I had the confidence to kind of just run it myself. I thought it'd be good to have somebody, another person, like a teammate. And there was something about, could we do the reenact the truth barrel? You literally don't have that much clothing on. And there was something about all the conversations that were being had with Asana that felt really truthful. It did. It felt really truthful.

I've even said to some people after, I'm like, no, if you want to hear my real story, I just revealed it in Asana with Gabby and Neil. But now I guess you're in the hot seat for my podcast. Yeah, I know like, no, if you want to hear my real story, I just revealed it in a sauna with Gabby and Neil. But now I guess you're in the hot seat for my podcast. Yeah, I know. So there we are, close on, it's gonna be fun. I'm excited to not steer the ship. Yeah, good, isn't that great, letting go?

I know, I like being on podcasts. So now I've been deep diving into the whole robust world of Gabby Reese. And I feel like there are a lot of parallels for us as women who have pivoted a lot in our careers, we're entrepreneurs, and I have so many questions for you. But first, I was listening to your year-end podcast,

and you were talking, your wrap-up from 2023, and you were talking about the Gabby Reese podcast, when you are not in a sauna, and you talked about bringing more play into your life this year, that was kind of the goal. We had already hit on that too when you walked in, and I'm trying to do the same thing. So trying to bring more play and more pleasure into my life

and so I was just wondering how that's been going for you. I think because I even just brought awareness to this, the spirit in which I've been doing things is also for me, the way I do it, a little bit lighter, a little more playful and I admit I've done better and not in certain ways. But like, for example, my family, they love to play pickleball. And usually they have enough without me. But instead, now I've inserted myself just to do it cuz and it could be sort of at a time I should be at my desk in my mind. So I have been a little bit

better about taking that time out. And then it's so funny, my husband's very good at play. Even yesterday, I'll give you an example. He said, well, you want to sit outside with me to eat the food. And it was like one o'clock. I can get a lot done at one o'clock. And I was sitting outside and I go, oh, it's so nice out here. Like the birds are chirping. And he just kind of looks at me like, duh, you know, and even going to play pickleball for an hour. What's an hour? I know. It's so hard though to take time. Well, it's a very, it's for a few reasons. It's one, I'm hiding in my work.

I do, I hide in lists and checklists and being productive because unstructured play is maybe something that, again, it's an element of false control, where when we play, we just are. And I, like everyone, even though I've taken very deep looks at myself, sometimes it's easier just to be in the structure, and it's an escape. It's a form of like, I don't do it in alcohol, I do it in training and in the schedule.

Right, so what is the hiding then? You think hiding from, hiding from? Hiding from quiet? Being free? From deep thoughts? Yeah. From whatever occurs to me. And it's interesting because simultaneously I have a everyday unstructured check in with myself, it just will happen throughout the day, whether it's in the shower, or just in a quiet drive, I will sort of really check in and go, how are

things going? How do I feel? How are my relationship? I have an hour or just in a quiet drive, I will sort of really check in and go, how are things going? How do I feel? How are my relationship? I have an ability to look at myself, but there's something about just being that I think I avoid often like everyone. And so for me, the being comes in the in the play. And that yeah that totally makes sense it's like we we have so much in our lives I think this is similar to what you're saying how I feel it's like we do all these things productivity you've got to get things done we have the checklist and then I always thought well maybe after I get it all done then I can play then I deserve

the pleasure but what I realized is I deserve the pleasure. But what I realized is I try to reverse engineer it because I realized like when I have more pleasure, when I do think more things for myself, I actually do feel better. But it still is a struggle in the same way where I have all these friends who like want to go for walks and then all day or get lunch. I'm like I don't do that. Like it's hard to get away but then whenever I do it I'm so grateful that I did. So it's the whole mentality of I know but then whenever I do it, I'm so grateful that I did. So it's the whole mentality of, I know intellectually that when I do play

or I take those breaks, I come back so energized and feel so much better. But I think in my work too, I've always been a little bit of a workaholic working a lot. So I'm trying to, you know. And maybe it's both, right? It's honoring, and this is harsh, who's asking you to go on the walk? You know, if no meaning, sometimes it's like, it's going

to serve me better to be at work, depending on the person. Yeah. And so there's a part where you do live your life long enough to go, I'm going to give up that time for relationships that are have a sacredness or you know, we feed one another. And granted, like if somebody calls you and you know they're going through it, you just say yeah. Yeah, you say yes to your good girlfriends. I feel like I've gotten to the point where I don't have a lot of those that they should friends anymore. Like I had a party a few years ago and I was like, I don't want any shoulds here. Like anyone, like I should invite.

So I really think it also, as I've gotten older, this is one thing, like I can't take drama or people that are not consistent or that, you know, you leave them, you feel like, a great check for people is do you see somebody and you feel drained? Have they drained the life out of you? Or do you feel like your energy is restored? And so those are the only people I think

that would ask me for a walk these days. But I know you're saying. The other part is for me too, is I like to wrap my day up as early as I can. So I can either do the things I want or be with my family. So some of it is I'm powering through to sort of say, hey, could I open up the end of my day when their days are ending and be with them?

So there's part of that too. I have friends that will call me back lunch on a Wednesday. And I'm like, who has lunch on a Wednesday? Who's lunch ever? I get it. But they might be smarter than me. This is what I'm, that's why I'm asking. I'm trying to figure out, but the days, so now I'm trying to do like morning walks

or morning, whatever, because then I want to see people because then I don't leave my house because I work at home. Do you work at home too, right? I do, yeah. So then I'm like, oh, I haven't left my house. I haven't driven my car. So I'm trying to, trying to get out.

But it sounds like you, well, you're aware of it, but it was interesting. So even in your relationship, I have questions about that too. So you've been with Laird, your husband, professional surfer, Laird Hamilton, if people know Laird and Gabby, for almost 30 years. Yeah, we've been together at the end of this year, 28 years.

28 years, that's amazing in itself. And so I'm wondering, 28 years together, and I know my audience would love to hear this too, if you had to think of just maybe three or whatever comes to mind, like actionable tips that you think have really worked for you guys to make it strong. Do you have practices?

Do you have ways that you relate that are your go-to things that have helped you? So I'll preface this by saying, there's sort of things that are out of your control. Like the fact that I met Larry at 25 years old and was uncontrollably drawn to him like a magnet and everything on paper was not good. We didn't live in the same place Laird was in a not in a great marriage. He had a

four month old daughter, my oldest daughter was four months old. There was a lot of things and I'm a pretty practical person that were it's like, no go. There was an internal draw to Laird that you know, it's good. eh, no go. There was an internal draw to Laird that, you know, is it good luck? Is it a kismet? I don't know. So there's a lot of that part that I would say I'm not smart enough to have chosen that dynamic.

I was drawn to Laird and I felt that same thing from Laird and I really deeply trusted that. So in the choice, in the pick, we were really fortunate. So, so let's just start there. Not that smart. Then I picked somebody who, you know, Laird and I have the similar values, but very different ways of going about living. So within that is some balancing that has really helped both of us. The other system that's in place that really was initiated by Laird

and now shows up as really valuable is I call it clear the decks. Laird's not a guy to let things go, you know, under the carpet every day. A look, a word, a tone of voice. He's on it right away. Like, what is that? What's up with that? Oh, he's like reading your expressions, like the way you're doing things. He just will. We clear the decks every day. So you don't have years or weeks or months of things stacking up where all of a sudden you find yourself at this

location and you don't know how you got there. But you don't know how to find your way back. So I give him a lot of credit for he's confrontational and it taught me to be confrontational. I wasn't. I take the stoic route which can get you into a lot of trouble in a relationship. It did. We almost divorced in 2000. I had a years of just a few five years of being stoic of being with layered and then one day I I was like, Oh, I'm out. Because I had built up. Right. Over all the years, you have to be tough for everything you've gone through. Maybe your upbringing. Yeah, well, it just seemed, you know, coming from sports or whatever my thing was, that was my go to and I still believe in a lot of stoicism and a stoic philosophy. But within relationships, saying how you feel being vulnerable, asking for what you

want and need. It's so uncomfortable. You know you talk about this probably all of the time especially when you talk about sex. What I want is why is that so hard? Even like a little to the left or a little faster. It's like it's all that is like oh it's it's so uncomfortable. So much shame in it. We just are, yeah, it's so fraught with, with confusion and stress and anxiety. Yeah. I mean, mostly what I find to say after 20 years, like I would say mostly I'm a communication, I help people get communicate what they want in bed, but it always starts with, I don't even know what I want. And then once then you get to the path of figuring out what you want and then learning to ask for it. What if I'm rejected? What if I'm judged?

What if I'm, you know. Well, and it's vulnerability too. And Laird, the thing about Laird is Laird is very courageous and his willingness to be vulnerable. So when we almost were divorced, I will say the other thing is I vowed to be different even if it was super uncomfortable. And it was not a sex thing, it was a vulnerability,

but it goes, you know, that thread goes throughout. So it was willing to just put it on the table. Okay. So the stoicism, you would define that just as being less communicative, more shut down more. Well, and also like, I'm not gonna let that bother me. And so which there, it's great. There's a time for that. And then there's a time not for that because it's a buildup. So I would say a pick, I would say there's a pretty clear communication in my house. There is a natural attraction.

I think Laird and I are drawn to one another. I think we really, I've likened it to this. I've gone places, let's say I'm at a grocery store or something and I unexpectedly Laird runs an errand and he's there and I don't know I'm gonna see him and when I come around the corner, I see him I'm so happy to see him like I see him I go. Oh, so I think we have this And then I was that handsome. Oh, it's my husband. I just I I'm like, oh there he is, you know

So I think we are fortunate that we have that pretty natural chemistry. Yeah, we have chemistry That doesn't that's not and it's as human beings. It's not just a physical chemistry. It's just like, oh, that person I and I have friends like that. I have girlfriends where I have just chemistry. Yeah. You just love them. Yeah. Seeing them, it's the best. So I have that doesn't happen. That happens with some friends, I think, and some lovers, but not everybody.

So that's why I have it. You're like, oh, yeah. And it's when you when it can go beyond the initial six months, 18 months of chemical attraction, but it's genuine deep chemistry that's probably built in love and respect. Because Laird has shown up a lot. And so for me, maybe that's built upon the chemistry. So we have that. And then finally, I would just say maybe independently of one another, each of us is making ourselves happy. I don't know that Laird is looking to me and saying like, you need to make me happy. And I certainly am not expecting that of Laird. And so maybe that joint belief, and then bringing that in to the relationship helps you endure certain times. And also, for example, maybe Laird is crushing it in

work. And it's quite more quiet for me, like when our children were young, you know, you can go through those things, and you're not competitors, you're each other's cheerleaders, because you go, Hey, listen, it's on me to navigate, you know, my own kind of sort of wants and needs and dreams and things that turn me on and excite me. It's not on you. And actually, I'll add one more. I do believe both of us is there with the attitude of making the other person's life easier and better. That's just what a great attitude to have to be like, how can I, how can I really help elevate you? I mean, the other thing just to circle back

one of your points was I just love is it sounds like you have this very direct way, the two of you together have a direct way of not letting things sit because resentments, the opposite of that is resentments and unspoken expectations are the biggest killers of people's relationships and sex lives and all of it. So I love that he just looks at you or sees your look

and he's like, what does that mean? So that's just such a great thing to learn from. But this also leads me to my next question. You referred to your roles in your relationship as sometimes you're the flower and he's the farmer and vice versa. Like tell us what that means. It's not a sexual thing, right?

No. No, but I heard you talk about this. No, I think it's really, and you know, we have weirder jobs, but like sometimes we go to events and they're all about Laird. And so I'm the farmer and he's the flower. Or maybe the docket of work, he's got momentum and I'm there to support and do details and say,

okay, you know, here's three o'clock and you know, here's ideas. And then sometimes, hey, it's like I'm shooting or I have things and he's like, okay, you know, here's three o'clock and you know, here's ideas. And then sometimes, hey, it's like I'm shooting or I have things and he's like, yeah, I'll pick up a kid or I'll see you at home or you know, whatever that is. And he takes the role of the farmer. So it's allowing each person the space sometimes, just, I'm gonna say just to be the flower

that has its own set of things that are challenging, but to make them feel good about being the flower. I think what would be tricky for certain dynamics is when you never get to be the flower. Exactly, so it's always about you, I've heard that in relationships. And a person could, maybe that person, the you, the flower, is bringing home all the money and doing all the thing,

but then you go to parties together and people don't include the farmer, because I'm not gonna assume it's a husband or a wife in the conversation. It always is about the flower and people want to get to the flower. And so I could see where that puts a stress on a relationship, because if you're sensitive to your partner, all of a sudden, are you like, are you OK? So now you have this moment that you get to be the flower,

but it also is putting a pressure on you because you're well aware about your partner and people don't maybe pay them the respect or energy that they deserve. And so I could see where that gets uncomfortable. Right, especially if it's not spoken agreement. So again, it can be a resentment, like you're always the flower,

but it sounds like you guys have figured out the way to navigate that. So it's beautiful. Well, and it sounds like you guys have figured out the way to navigate that. So it's beautiful. Well, and it's also like, if I want something, then that's on me to figure out then what, why isn't it the way I want it? And what am I willing to work at to do? But the other part of that is I wouldn't do anything

at the cost of my family and actually, at least in a certain way, my relationship. Those really showed up to me very early in my life to be important. My relationship first, because that's sort of this foundation for the how, well, actually, technically me first. Let's not play games. It's me first. I train in the morning. I'm a brute about taking care of myself. And then I do, it's my relationship and then my children. And I've always approached it that way. And of course the kids are first because they're kids, but certainly it's this attitude of

tending to the gardens, the me garden, the us garden, and then the kids. Because the kids will get attention and energy no matter what. They're going to, but you're saying like you do the things that you need to do to be the best supporter, mother, wife you do the things that you need to do to be the best supporter, mother, wife, all the things. Yeah, and it felt more important for me personally, this, and everybody's so different and I totally honor that, but I thought in my life I thought, oh no, this chance at this relationship and this time with these kids, I don't know that being a little more successful is going to be more important for me.

Now, having said that, there's other people where, hey, it's like, I get this chance to be the CEO and this is my window and I gotta do it. I totally get it. I think I have a little more freedom and I have a weird career. And I just knew more wasn't going to make me feel better. Well, it's funny, most people, at the end of the day, the people who are striving, usually more isn't gonna make me feel better. Well, it's funny, because most people,

at the end of the day, the people who are striving, usually more isn't gonna make us better anyway. You know what I mean? We think it is, we always need more money, more things, more careers, more climb the ladder, but at the end of the day, it's about love, family, connection. At least for me.

And again, I know a lot of people who've done it a lot of ways, but I had already been a professional athlete for several years before I met Laird and had some, you know, whatever the attention is. I remember reading in high school, reading magazines, seeing, I just, I can remember this so clearly, I couldn't remember the name of them. What was the name? Was it Teen? Magazine? It's not around anymore. I remember seeing you, I used to get a subscription. I'd go to my dad's house because parents were separated. I'd go there

and this subscription to the magazine was there every week. And I just remember you were on every magazine cover. So it was so many years. It's just, yeah, it's just a chessboard, right? You do those things because they give you attention, which gives you more options and opportunity. And I knew that very young, but I also knew it was totally silly. And also just not just beautiful, but also an athlete. I mean, I played at college and then at Nike, I got a shoe and so what so it's called good timing, but you realize too, it's not sustainable. It's not forever. It's a little bit of like, Hey, thank the gods. It's good fortune, good timing. Yeah, you got to work hard, but it is all those other things.

And so maybe the relationships felt like the thing. That's why I love sports. There's a realness to that. There's a I love sports. There's a realness to that. There's a work to that. There's a layering to that, that you only get by doing it. And so I had a sense of that pretty early and that always felt really important. Yeah. But I feel like, yeah, that's good that you knew pretty early on that you didn't get caught up in it in a way that could have been detrimental.

Because talking to you, it's like you have this wisdom. It seems like you've always had this with you, just sort of this knowing of like our presence, like this is happening now, but this is who I am and we'll see where things go. I don't know. It just seems like- And I parent my daughters differently,

meaning because they come from a home that we're together and they're sort of some kind of, not monotony, but you can kind of, they'll get up in the morning and probably count that Laird and I are gonna be sitting at the counter having a coffee together. So there's some pretty deep rooting. And so my hope for them, and I always say is become a full and whole independent person, do your thing, do what you want, strive for what you want, be independent, no matter what. And

if you enter into a marriage, guess what, be independent, because even though I'm here to serve my family and my husband, because it feels good, and I enjoy it, and he seems to be doing the same. If Laird decided to leave tomorrow, I'm going to be super sad. But I'm not going to have my whole whole life fall apart. And that was something that I strive for them. So within this service is a real clarity of like, be there because you want to be there because you

want to be there. My only reason for being there is because I want to be there. And even though I have three children and a whole thing and all the stuff every morning when I wake up, it's because I want to be there. Within it. I also want to be clear, I think you have to be a little harsh and hardcore about that, because it isn't easy. And it does take a lot of work. And so when you wake up, it's like, Hey, and I want Larry to go like, yeah, that door is always open. I'm here

because I want to be here. It sounds like he wants to be there too. These are the kind of conversations you have. Yeah, well, I think it's understood between us. I think both of us bring that. And so I want to, I just like to make sure in the messaging, because girls aren't taught that kind of harshness. And it seems unloving, but it's not. I actually think it's the most loving. Because then I can love with no strings and no conditions and not, I'll do this and you'll do that. It's like, hey, I'm here to love you.

And we'll see what you do. So you saying that the message to the kids is that, like a lot of young women are raised like, find a man, find a person, get married, do the thing and you're like still have yourself. Yeah and do all those things if you want. If you want. But make sure you have a sense of yourself and what you want and what you want your life to be about and what you want it to look like and what you think is going to turn you on and excite you because it's going to be work no matter what it is, whether you're single and a boss lady or a kid and family or whatever. And by the way, I

think probably the hardest is to choose or have this conversation between a partner that you'll stay home and be with the kids. Those are the people that hey, they they actually have the hardest route. But whatever that is, and, and do that honor yourself because it's your one life and if it involves a partner and a partnership and children and or whatever it involves just make it sure that it reflects you. I think that's such great advice because so many of us struggle with women that when you are a mom or when you're any

you know even if you're just working hard all the things that we don't think that we deserve to think that we deserve to take that time or it's seen as selfish or we have to always be producing and going. But I love even with being an entrepreneur, having a wildly successful company and a podcast and three children, you still are like, no, but this is who I am.

I'm taking time for myself. And that is such a great example to everyone around you that you haven't wavered from that, right? A lot of people gave up who they are. No, and if anything, I think the process of having a family in certain ways, it's not necessary but it makes you become a different and sort of more extreme version of who you really are because it will beat your ass in a way that only maybe a job that's an 18 hour a day job, or women who are single moms, it will press you in a way that you get to know who you are. So you I think it's so valuable and people should support each other in, then support her. Who is she?

Because she's showing up and she's working hard and she's getting squeezed. So also give her the other side of that, which is she has the room to really show up and be who she fully is. I don't think it's, none of the past are easy. No, none of them are easy. It's true, but it's like you were saying, so when you get up in the morning, going back to that, you wake up, like is this your wellness self-care routine?

Are you a same thing kind of routine every day? I wake up and I, Laird always gets up before me and he makes my coffee in the morning. So when he hears me, no, no, no, no, no, upstairs, he hits the button and my coffee is full of a bunch of ingredients and then I come down and I just sit with him, just he and I, two people, two human beings.

I read it, I saw something, I talked to, we have a laugh, whatever, maybe just talk about life. We're not anyone's parents, we're not, it's not those roles, because those roles get, they get cumbersome. And there's always stuff to talk about if you're talking about the kids, but to have that moment of just connecting the two of you

is so special. Yeah. Good morning. And maybe philosophy, like talk about life, talk about something you're seeing or experiencing. And then kids come and then I train. If I don't have it, if I can always do it, I defend my window from 7.45 a.m. to 10, period.

And it could be a kid gets dropped off at school or what have you, of course, but that window, because I will get my training done, I will get it done, and then okay, let's launch into the day. Okay, we'll be right back after a short break from our sponsors, but first, promessant. God, I love promessant. And you know, summer is all about having fun

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your purchase with free shipping and a 60-day money back guarantee and discrete delivery. That's P-R-O-M-E-S-C-e-n-t dot com slash Emily for 15% off or check out the show notes. You have your own training program that you've developed and it's pretty intense or rigorous, which I understand. I do that. I have an intense routine too. I just think even the older I get, like I need it. Like I tell my team, I can't show up for work.

I can't really do anything unless I've worked out in the morning. My brain has to, my brain just, it won't, it hasn't gone into, it hasn't started working yet if I don't work out. Is there anything that you'd like to share that you've learned about that or that you do that would be? Well, I just want to remind, especially females, you won't get too big if you bang iron. If you want your skin to look good and your hair to look good, lift weights. And time under tension is so important. And it may seem silly. And if it seems intimidating or weird, just get someone to teach you. And only, you only do it three days a week.

But do that. And that will actually serve your overall real health. I'm not talking about I'm skinny. Your overall real health, the real stuff, more so than cardio. Cardio is important, but I would just encourage them to add it. And it's hard to see the value.

And it was easy for me coming through athletics, But I just want to say starting with young women, if they can get a relationship with it and see the value in it. And then if you're an older woman who was you didn't grow up with brothers, and nobody taught you that start today. And don't be intimidated. And it's your right to be there. And it's not a section of the gym that only the men go to, you know, just find the way that it works for you because I do believe it's important. And the other thing I always think about exercise in itself, I do think it's these moments because we sort of our life is informed by how we look and how old we are and what gender we are and all this stuff. It's just a place to be a playful, sweaty kind of person. And I always say I kind of channel my 15 year old boy when I go and I train because I'm

there and I'm like in sweats and I can be inappropriate and you know, I can rabble rouse with my friends and just be and get it done and sweat and work hard because it will protect your health, your cognitive health, all your health in all the ways if you meet somebody there are women who build muscle faster than others but it's generally pretty hard to do. But especially when you get older too, paramount pause, all the things I know that's when I just started and like I'm doing it I'm in. I mean I always tried I was doing things, but that has been a game changer. 17 years old, you're rolling.

17 magazine. That was the magazine where I- Oh, there we go. Wow, you're going back. That was the magazine I got every week. You're going back. And you were on it a lot. And I just remember reading articles about you, sitting with the Bible, anyway.

So if you don't believe me, like Mary Claire Haver is a lady who had a hard time going through menopause. She was an OBGYN, but the point is she wasn't like, she was training to stay skinny. So I'm just saying now what's so great is there's so much information. Finally, this is the other thing about women's health.

We never studied it. I mean, I've been, I know Mary Claire very well. We've been speaking on these panels and studying it. It's like, this is like women's health was like, was like the like a bastard child of the whole wellness. It was just like, what the heck about it? No, exactly.

So it's- Clitoris wasn't on the map until 1997. What? Yeah, the clitoris was not even on the map till 1997. We didn't even study women till 93. And even till very recently, we were like, women are just small men. So we're just gonna treat them that way.

We're so different. It's so, it's very, it's- Clitoris wasn't around until 97. 97, on a map. Well, they didn't, and the doctors didn't, now I have like three of them up on the shelf. The doctors didn't study, even none of them did. Gynecologists didn't study menopause, paramenopause.

I mean, that's why we're all like trying to pick ketchup right now, but thank God. Yeah. Thank God it's all happening. Other question I have for you. So this was years ago. You shared the four rule, you wrote a book, which was a best-selling, your best-selling book,

which I love, My Foot is Too Big for the Glass Slipper. How do you feel about it now, the book? I haven't picked up that book. You haven't picked up that book. People ask me stuff about 10 years ago. I think it's like eight, nine years ago. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I've lived life since then.

Yeah, right? But that's what I wanna ask you. You had four rules for keeping your alpha happy, your alpha male, and your also alpha female, you were saying, but this is what, this was like respect his masculinity and give him space. Okay. Men know what they need to do when you give them space

and allow them to step into their power. That's true. Okay, give him food and sex regularly. I was gonna say food and sex, yeah. I knew that was two of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, give him food and sex regularly. I was gonna say food and sex, yeah. I knew that was two of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, still. It's hard.

More? That's good. It's just hard. No, I mean, it shows up more than ever as like a universal policy. Yeah, really, true. And women get really upset about it. They do.

Tell me what happens. Cause they don't wanna have sex cause they don't know they're. Well, and also if it's uncomfortable, like if you're not feeling good, I get it. So I get it, I get it. And, and you know, imagine my thing to like, Oh, you have a kid. So fascinating. I might have talked about this in this book, because I had already had all my girls by then. When you're pregnant, especially really deep into pregnancy. Yes, they are they

want to have sex with you. But it also feels like they're a little more protective of you. And then the minute the baby comes out, they're sort of looking at you, but it also feels like they're a little more protective of you. And then the minute the baby comes out, they're sort of looking at you and you're just like, oh my God, you're nursing, your body just went through this whole thing. And women will say, I don't feel like having sex. And I'm like, yeah, I get it. And that's when you sort of say, well,

a blow job or something. And I know it's, again, I know it's almost like, well, I shouldn't have to do something I don't feel like it. And I go, and it's sort of like, I get it. And are we able at all to see it from their side? Yeah, something that they might require. Just, yeah, it's gonna help feel more connected to you. Well, also women don't understand about testosterone.

And they sort of think, well, they should, Byron Katie said to me when we used the word should, we've left reality. So I sometimes feel that parts of parenting, parts of being in a partnership are almost taking some of your own impulses and feelings, not at your detriment, but sort of looking at the person's side and going,

is this reasonable? Is there a workaround? And because if it's reasonable, it's like having a teenager, right? Like, they want to be left alone, or they want to stay up later because the brains are different. It's like trying really hard to go, okay, I'm not sacrificing myself for them, meaning on my partner's sexual needs, but I'm seeing what they're asking for is actually quite reasonable. How do I fit in what I need and want with what they need and want?

How do I get that done? And I joked, that's what I've said, like lipstick on and like, okay, I'll give you, because I don't really want anyone down there right now because I had a kid and like stuff's happening, but you know what, I can put a push-up bra, I got some milk boobs, I'm like, we can get this done. you know. You get this done. That is a great attitude because it's also the reverse. Some women are told you can go have sex right away. It's the other

stuff we didn't study. Six weeks, you're ready to go, or a month, and a lot of women, they are not ready to go. No. It's still painful. And they're not ready for a lot of reasons. This is always why I'm such a bang on about trying to be as healthy as possible because it makes some of this easier. I mean, I'm 54 years old. So you know, my ice still have a cycle. But believe me, these hormones, stuff's happening. It's like, okay, what's the workaround? Because it's not their fault. That's the other interesting thing in the day that we live in. Somehow, we're all supposed to be the same. We're not men physiologically are different than women contrary to whatever weird popular belief. So it's not their fault. Am I mad at Laird that he is like, yo, I'm

into it. Or he didn't have my daughters. Again, contrary to whatever narratives been going on. As far as I know, biological men can't have children. I did. That's what happened. And if people are weird about that, that's okay. I'm comfortable with that. At this point, I'm not mad at him that I'm the one. Our experiences are different. Also, we don't say that we're mad that men

really do the shittiest jobs. Look around, they do the worst jobs in the world. Road work, plumbing war. It's like, we're like, oh, it's not fair. And I'm like, yeah, I get it. But if you look at the whole story, and yeah, you get a couple guys who get in power and they blow it for everybody.

But if you're talking about the general male population, these are good guys who are just trying to do a good job. And they got a lot of testosterone and they want to blow a job every now and then. I get it. And they're trying to take care of their families and their jobs are hard. I think that's great that you were able to do that.

It's just that women, I think that sometimes for women too, it's like they're still not getting what they need. So they feel like, why am I giving you what you need if I'm not getting what I need? But this goes back to even beyond childbirth that so many women going back to what we said earlier, they don't know even what they want because a lot of sex they were having was performative or more for what the man wants.

So at the end of the day, they look back at their lives and like, it actually never felt that great to me because I was always just handing it out to them or doing what they wanted. Doing what I'm supposed to or being that pretty object for you. Being pretty to all the things so then they don't know. But then we get them there. We try to get them like that. Look at your own body. What do you like? And I think the one exactly the one provides the other so the fact that I can be more brutal, more harsh about what I want or I need allows me actually to be more understanding. And I can see it more from his side. And I can see it from other people's sides,

not just layered. If I'm in a thing with a friend or somebody, I go, Okay, wait a second, let me just try to see it from other people's sides, not just layereds, if I'm in a thing with a friend or somebody, I go, okay, wait a second, let me just try to see it from this side. So- It's a great skillset to be able to see both sides. Most people, it is something you naturally do that. Well, I think it's necessary. Well, sports helps you to do it,

but if you feel pretty good and you have kind of boundaries, right? Having said that, and you have, you know, kind of boundaries, right? Having said that, I'm comfortable I can slap down my boundaries anytime. So I'm, it's easy for me to go, well, let me look at it from your side. Because I don't feel I don't feel threatened that someone's going to take advantage of me. I don't ever feel that way. And if they do, I'm like, Lir's taught me this actually,

because he's hyper masculine. And what you realize with hyper strength and masculinity is great love and compassion. That is the truth. And it's right expression. It sounds like everything I've heard you say about Lerit is that he is his hyper masculine alpha male, but he also has such a deep tenderness, sensitivity. Misaginists are bitches. Yeah. They are. That is not masculinity. Masculinity is protective and loving and,

you know, all these great things. So people, I think we've gotten it confused and also we've trained it out of men. We've made them feel bad and weird for it. So I think within that, and you know, sports is a female and but learning from Laird, for example, someone will come over, let's say, and we need something that he's not able to fix to fix

and I'll be like, oh, I think they're taking advantage of us, you know, whatever. And he's like, and he'll say, oh, that's on them. They'll have to deal with that. So sometimes if I'm in a situation and I'm like, oh, this person is taking advantage of me, okay, that's on you to deal with. I'm okay. It's a good perspective. Let's take it all in and be like everyone's out for me or being the victim. No. Being like that's on them. Take it back. You guys are good. I can see it.

You're helpful. Well I learned though. I learned a lot because as women we need to be given permission sometimes because we are oh be nice and all the stuff we're taught. Yes good. Be kind. Right. We don't need to be nice. Right, there's such a difference between being kind and being nice. Nice is like you're a people pleaser and it's actually being a people pleaser is some of the most manipulative thing. I struggle with that because I have a, I like to say I'm a recovering people pleaser but it still lingers because I don't think you fully recover. But I realized when I learned that it is a, it's actually a manipulation to get everyone to like you. You're really not being that genuine in a way. And I'll add to that.

Yes. I think we're taught if we're gonna be good people, then that's connected to being nice. Yes. And that means that then nobody would dislike us. Well, the fact is someone's always gonna dislike us. So how about we show up and we say, I'm gonna be kind. I'm gonna try to see it from your side.

I'm not gonna worry about, you know, again, Byron Katie has helped me a lot. What you think of me is none of my business. I love Byron Katie. And then just be like, yeah, cool. They don't like me. I'll sleep. That's such great work. I love the Byron. You had her on your show too, but I've heard you talk about her a lot. It was life-changing for me too during the pandemic is when I first got introduced to her work, although I know she's been doing it a long time and she has that, the way of like, you know,

is it true, the separate, I had like printouts, like separate, you had her app, right? Like your negative thoughts, like anytime you have a negative thought, which I think we all have limiting beliefs, whether we want to look at it or not, and just how you can flip it in an instant, right? Do you still do, it's so great.

All the time, before questions. That's what's helping. Self-inquiry. Yeah, self-inquiry. Is it, what is it, is it true? Is it true, can I know it to be true for sure? Who am I when I think those thoughts and who would I be without that belief? And, and I think for women, we need to be, we need to be given permission to be more ferocious, so we can be more loving. And ferocious just means, hey, I got to dial into what I need and want. And I'm going to be okay. okay if I don't not everyone is my best friend. Yeah exactly. Oh it's the work but it's the good work. You're right especially as you move through life and you just see like it doesn't like how's it been going for you if you know people pleased your whole life does everyone like you know or like there's enough information now and then you realize that you're you know it allows us to suffer as well so just it's more and more leaning into

our authentic selves. Yeah and and that would also maybe allow us to stay playful as we get older. Because part of why I think we get so heavy and you know, plus besides hormones and all the other stuff we have to navigate through these changes is like if we just keep covering that or whatever we lose, there's nothing better than an older woman who sort of really dialed in. And she's the coolest, most playful, naughty, fun, great person, because somehow she figured out how to navigate it. I mean, it's there in us.

It's just letting go of the other, it's there. Like it's who I am. I feel like it's, I'm always like, I'm fun. Like, what am I doing here? Working all the time. Like I actually live, I've got pounds of sex toys around me. I've got like a really joyful life I've created,

but then I get so, you know, serious and trying to make it all done. So I love the reminder of it to play. So those were some of the things you said, and then you had allow him to allow him space to be tender and honor you as a woman, which I think we've been talking about. He does that quite a lot.

Love that. He's way more romantic than me. I, it's like the cuddling and all that. I'm like, oh, who could be bothered? No, Laird's like, oh, you know. That's sweet. But you give it to him as much as he wants? Yeah, as much as I'm comfortable.

I gotta get stuff done. Like, okay. I mean, if we're gonna make time to have sex, it's like, yo, let's also wrap this up. Do you guys still, I have a question. Do you guys still have your 48 hour rule? Yeah, pretty much every other day. I mean, you know, some days get blown to the side. But that's pretty much like you start to pay attention.

You know, I'll even this is terrible. Let's say like, I kind of we're in a certain rhythm, and then the week starts to unfold, I will load up the days that I know we are not like the day after we've been together, because I know I don't have to answer to anyone on that, or try to find a window. Like, I'll make more meetings, more calls, because I'm like don't have to answer to anyone on that or try to find a window. Like I'll make more meetings, more calls because I'm like, oh, I can stack the hell out of this day. Because we just had the sex. Yeah. No, see what I love about this is that people are like, I always tell people it's so important

to schedule sex or to plan for sex. But it's not sexy. That isn't sexy. That's not sexy, but it's sexier than the alternative. And the alternative is one partner wants it every night, Tuesday, we have Tuesday, then you're rejecting them on Tuesday, can we have it Wednesday? You're rejecting them, how about Thursday?

And then if you just know, you know what, Saturday night's our night. Then you don't feel that throughout the week. Yeah, because that's a bad dynamic where one person feels like they're begging for it and then the other person starts feeling the pressure of it and it also isn't sexy. Where, and Laird sometimes will get frustrated, and the person starts feeling the pressure of it. And it also isn't sexy where, you know,

and Laird sometimes will get frustrated, like it feels a little scheduled and I'm like, mm-hmm. Well, no, but then it has to be, like in a way it's not gonna happen. It isn't. And then once you get there. I've been stuck with this all these years. I don't know that I can do that.

I mean, but I have, but see, but it's so straightforward. See for me, it's so simple where it's like layered, appreciates it, wants it, it feeds the relationship. I enjoy it once I'm there. Listen, nobody feels like it before they get there. Come on. It's kind of like the workout, right?

Similar? I always say that sex begets sex. Like the more you have it, but it's even like going to the gym. Like sometimes you're like the hardest part is getting your shoes on and getting out of the house. Yep. So maybe the hardest part about the sex is like just get naked. Get there. And then you're like we're naked. What else are we gonna do? And by the way if somebody's listening is that they have very small children it's harder. What would you say to that Gabby? That's so what would

you say? Well because also so be kind to yourselves. When you have very small children and maybe more than one. So like these people are like, I have two children or two, it's like, whoa. First of all, be kind to yourself. So that means even in your training, like all of it, be kind, be kind to yourself, be kind to your partner, you're in it together, right? Sleep is really important.

But I have another friend of mine and we used to call it, it's almost like, and it's not sexy. But like if you've got 15 minutes, like some kids are, I used to joke that the only reason we had a nanny is so we could either train or have sex. I don't need a nanny to like watch my kids. I need it so that I can be alone with my partner. But is if you have 15 minutes,

just especially if you're the female, because your partner, your male partner sensitive more than you realize to your feelings. So they're not going to press you because they know already all that you're navigating and that you're tired. So if you're the female, make it easier. Be like, Yeah, we have 15 minutes. Let's sneak away. Initiate it. It doesn't have to be a dance and a thing and an outfit and some BS. It just like, just, you know, and sometimes, and this is, again, it isn't sexy, and it's harsh. And maybe it's too utilitarian, but I'll just say it. Sometimes I'm, I'm there

to have, I want to be with Laird, I want to be with him. But sometimes it's like, I'm doing it for him. I'm not not enjoying it. But it's like, hey, I'm not even, I don't need to like, I'm doing it for him. I'm not not enjoying it. But it's like, Hey, I'm not even I don't need to like, I'm not even interested in like getting off or anything. It's like, No, I'm interested in, in, in the whole thing. And this is a moment. And maybe the next time I'll be like, Yo, okay, I'm, you know, there's space. It's not just about the goal oriented thing. Right. We are connected. It's okay not to Yes, have an orgasm, but you know what he needs. And then sometimes you need it. And that's what I do as long as you guys are connecting. But I love

this. I actually say, I don't think I've heard this. It sounds like it's really worked for you guys all these years and I've yet to hear couples, it's rare to hear couples in a schedule where they really stuck to it. Oh yeah. No, I have. I mean, since even having little kids, like, because that is the question. But people have to really be careful and be kind to themselves when they have young children because it is so much harder. It's so hard, it's the hardest time. I never did it because I knew it would be so hard.

No, just be kinder to yourself. I am, you know what it is I would say? Nobody knows how to do it. So just do the best you can, but also don't let it go, go, go and go. Don't never talk about it. Just be like, Hey, even if you tell your partner, I'm aware we haven't been together in a while. I'm sensitive. I would like to connect with you. I want you to know I'm thinking about it. Yes. I think for a partner, because it's probably usually the guy that's like,

does she even care? Does she want it? Like, what's going on? So even if you go, Hey, I think it's helpful, but it's, it's a dance, and it's, it's not an easy dance. And then it's like, Oh, it's not easy, because you're older, and you've done easy, because you've been together 1000s of times. So people just like, for me, I think there's enough of maybe my personality, that's kind of realistic enough and brutish enough that I'm like, hey, it is what it is. What's the end goal? And let me work back towards, because people have all this fantasy,

they watch these stupid movies and they go saying, oh, sex and take me and it's on the thing. It's like, listen, yes, and how do we work back from the goal of a vibrant relationship? Each person getting versions of what they want, not all the time. Okay, what does that look like? How do I do that? And this idea of like, I'm going to always feel like it and it's like, okay, well. I've spent a lot of time there lately telling people,

you have to realize that most of what we heard about sex isn't true and 99% of couples are going to be struggling with their sex life at some point because they've never talked about it and we're all holding on to that honeymoon phase when it was amazing in the beginning and you didn't have to talk about it and think about it, but most couples are in the place of they're trying to figure it out. One person usually wants it more than the other person. That's just how the relationships go.

And you gotta find a workaround. And looking to porn or television, how they both wanted it at the same time, and they were orgasm, is so not realistic. So like, I love it. And you're like, it's not, but it's gonna take work. But it's the kind of work that like, you see what happens when it doesn't happen.

And it's interesting, because when I first started, I thought it was mostly the men, when I started in this field of work, that it was mostly the men, men always wanted sex, but I also have seen a lot of women who are like, my partner doesn't want it either, you know? And there's a lot of different reasons too, because their presentments build up, people get stressed,

and also when we're anxious and stressed, and I found this more with men, but I also think that, in many ways, I'm very much in my masculine too a lot but when we're worried about money or achieving that can immediately kill sex drive especially with the man I've noticed more so than women even just if they're like they lose their job they you know start something happen with yeah anything really financial or their career it's like they can't get it up. Yeah and that's tricky. I do want to say one thing as a sort of a middle-aged female because I feel like it's like they can't get it up. Yeah and that's tricky. I do want to say one thing as a sort of a

middle-aged female because I feel like it's our responsibility to help usher in new adults coming in and I do feel a very contentious thing especially females to males in this overcorrection which I understand. I totally get it but what I want to say is that half the best people I know in the world are men. And, and I think it's so important, whether we like it or not, I think we bring out the best in males through softness and through kindness, if you have boundaries. So I believe to get what you really want is for us to also also not forgo that, to develop that because I think it makes them better. And what's happening is I feel like we're going at them and they're retreating.

And I'm interested and I have someone to be with. My interest for people is that as they go through their life, if they choose, if they want to have a partner, that they understand that enough. So because if you beat someone down, they won't be able to stand for you. And you're ultimately gonna want a partner that can stand. And it just seems to be the way it is. I'm with you.

I totally, I've been thinking about the same thing. We get so angry and we're like saying men are Doing all these things or met men are off. Yeah, and the patriarch if I hear that one more time I'm gonna throw up because women are men are suffering too man I'm into and so they don't realize and so I just want to as somebody a little bit older who? Wants everybody to win. I want the group below me to win I want them all to win. Whatever that looks like. Partner, no partner, kids, kids, whatever. I don't care. But I just want to bring

that up because we need each other. We really do. We need each other. So if women can dig into their feminine, being really be supportive and loving, you can also be, you can also give guidance and you can also support them. But it doesn't have to be even a place of anger and hate, but how could we all work together to help them? Because men were in the same environment that we were, it was just a different time. So now they need our support and love and boundaries though. Well, and also that's why I encourage women

to be fiercely strong and develop yourself, because then that makes that so much easier. I'm with you. I've got the same thoughts about this. It's a really heady time right now. Yeah, cause who are they gonna wanna have sex with? I mean, not to be vulgar, but let's just blow it all out the window about relationships.

Who are you gonna wanna have sex with? Some guy you beat down? No. Well then he doesn't, he's not respecting him. You don't respect him. Then he's not respecting himself. Then you're gonna go on Tinder and get some dude. Yeah, no, that's what we're getting.

We're getting guys who's like the dudes or the assholes or somebody. You can just see that they're doing the best they can. So how do you make them? You can still gently guide people by doing it with kindness and not with this judgment. And that's how we're going to get what you want. I think that's so much about feminism too, like second wave feminism when it was like, we're going to be like men, we're going to wear the suits and we're going to make as much money as they are. Like that, some of that worked of course, but some of it was like, just like,

we're gonna be just as angry, we're gonna do it from a male perspective. What if we leave from the feminine with men? And I think that's when all the beauty is gonna happen and because men need us too. You've even said this about wellness, you're like, your wellness can't be a separate bucket from your overall health.

Like you gotta put it in there. And that's what I feel about sexual health. But sex is part of your health. It is part of your health. Sex is part of your health. So I'm like, carrying on with that. And that's why I'm very matter of fact about it because I'm like, hey, this is... And yes, there's provocative elements and all these things. And again, maybe I'm very straightforward in this department. Like I, for example, have a daughter, she's a young adult, she by nature is much more provocative. And I'm very straight ahead. Like, you know, so I also acknowledge that.

So if you're more sensual and a more sexual, I so think that's great, you know? I probably wish I had more of it. I mean, I'm dealing with the cards I'm dealing with, but that has also made the part that it is the dance easier. I wish I had more of it. I mean, I'm dealing with the cards I'm dealing with. But that has also made the part that it is the dance easier. Yeah, that's interesting. Your daughter feels like she's more in her femininity. I could always tell even when she was a teenager, she's just, it has more layers. It is, it's

more, you know, it's a softness. I think her dad's more like that. You know, I think my straight aheadness for him sometimes is like, huh, you know, like. But I think he's waited all out and realizes that the fantasy of me being, you know, sort of all over and like, you know, super wide open about all things, I think in time he'd be like, huh, well, that's good. But then when we come out of the bedroom, maybe there's other things.

Okay, these are your final quickie questions. This is what we ask all of our guests. Really quick, whatever, first thing comes to mind. What's your biggest turn on? Oh, I mean, I know this is bad, but I mean, my husband is fit. And he is like, I feel like I'm always being kind of taken. Oh, that's hot. And he has a deep voice. So I think I like feeling like I'm not in charge totally. It's

quite nice. And but I've but I'm given the wheel to somebody who's quite capable. I'm not like, Oh, was he? It's amazing. Okay, biggest turnoff. I don't like somebody who's mal, mean, who tries to dominate people through like a meanness. I like real strength, which is maybe quiet and of service, not, you know, somebody who's like trying to dominate people through false ways. I don't like that. And I don't like that. not somebody who's trying to dominate people through false ways. I don't like that. And I don't like unclean.

I like the clean. Hygiene. Yeah. And with you, something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships. I think my younger self, it's hard to learn this as a young woman and I probably started having sex by the time I was 14 or 15.

It is as much about you as it is about their needs. And what I learned at 18 was, and this is harsh, but in a way like you have the goods. Like, what do you want? Like, what do you need? What do you want? What's gonna excite you? Chances are they're probably gonna have fun.

So what do you want? Right, they're gonna get off. I would say they're gonna get off. Yeah, I don't mean that in a vulgar way. No, it's true though. But what do we actually want? Chances are they're probably, you know. What makes good sex?

Oh, that's complicated. That's between two people. Some people it's role playing and foreplay and you know, snuggling and rough and soft. And I think good sex is when the two people have an understanding and they're there also to be together but for one another. And because listen, you can have good sex once.

Forbidden taboo good sex once, big deal. That's no big deal. You know, Lerdo always says, oh yeah, it's easy to please many women once, try pleasing one woman many times. So I think it's once you get to that place, it's like, oh, like, okay, we're in this together. It's an adventure together.

It is. Okay, what's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex? That's really healthy and natural and beautiful. And it doesn't have to be taboo. And just because you might like it a certain way that's okay too. And then within that same breath, I think we have made way too much of it. Yes. Sometimes I'm like, Hey, it's just sex, like it's sex, like, come on, like, have it, do it,

find it, get it, you know, but but also within it for me, and maybe this is somebody who has three daughters, I feel also there's a sacredness to it. That's at least where I am in my life right now. And that I would my hope for my daughters is yes, the have the raw sexuality of all these things. But within it, I believe there is a sacredness that is quite beautiful and and maybe not to abuse it to the point that you couldn't find the sacredness. All right, where can people find you? Listen to all the fun things you're doing, the

podcast, all things. Oh really, you're so wise. I love listening to you. I really got on the garbage. I was listening to all your things. I just, I'm just such a fan of all you've done, how you continue to evolve and do it so openly and share all wherever you are in your life. It feels like you're always sharing what you're going through in a very real way. And I admire that. I think we're all going through something really similar.

So let's not be afraid of it. The Gabby Reese Show and everything is Gabby Reese. And if people wanna try Laird Superfood, it's at lardsuperfood.com. That's it for today's episode. That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner.

You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter or X and Facebook. It's all at Sex With Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up on SexWithEmily.com, and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline, 559-TALKSEX.

That's 559-825-5739, or go to sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at sexwithemily.com.