Sex With Emily - Lube It or Leave It

Episode Date: March 31, 2021

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it a million times: there should be a bottle of lube (or more) on every nightstand. I mean, seriously just a few drops can transform your sex and amplify the amount of pleasure. But, it can be difficult to know what kind of lube is best suited for you and your needs.On today’s show, I break down the best lubes for masturbation, anal, penetrative, and oral sex. I share the results of our Better Sex Survey sponsored by Pjur Lube. I cover products that are safe for a vagina’s PH and some household items that are better kept in the kitchen than inside of you. I also discuss what your wetness really means, the transformation lube can have with discomfort during sex, how sex increases intimacy between you and your partner, and how penis size can change with an erection.For even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The studies have shown that vulva owners who reach for lieu have more sexual satisfaction. And in fact, they report higher levels of pleasure compared with women who didn't use it according to a study from Indiana University. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times. I have a dream, and that dream is a loob on every nightstand.

I mean, seriously, just a few drops of loob can transform your sex life and amplify the amount of pleasure. But I got it. It can be difficult to know which kind of loob is best suited for you and your needs. So on today's show, I break down the best loob for all kinds of sex, for masturbation, penetration, oral sex, anal sex. I talk about the products that are safe for volvas, ampiness owners, and some household items that are better kept in the kitchen than inside of you. I also discuss what it really means when you're wet and when you're not wet. and penis owners and some household items that are better kept in the kitchen than inside

of you. I also discuss what it really means when you're wet and when you're not wet. What you can expect after having a baby, how penis size changes, and why doesn't really matter anyway. All right, intentions with Emily for each episode join me in setting an intention. What do I mean by this? Well, when you're listening, think about what you want to get out of this episode. My intention is to explain the difference between different kinds of loom and what makes it so

great for your sex life and how you can use it effectively. Oh, also, I have an announcement. I'm really excited for this. I'll be doing a virtual live podcast on April 15th and you're all invited. No matter where you're at, you can all join me. It's going to be a blast. I can answer your questions live during the show and it's interactive. We're going to have like polls and quizzes and giveaways.

It's only $10 for the live podcast experience or you can pay $100 and get a live one-on-one meet and greet with me. To find out more information, go to looptlive.com. That's L-O-O-P-E-D-Live.com. Just go to upcoming experiences and scroll down. And I can't wait to see you there. All right, everyone. Remember, you can find me in all social media at sexwithemily across the board, send your questions to feedback at sexwithemla.com and enjoy the show.

Let's talk about Lube or Lube Recon for a minute. I've been talking about Lube for years. In fact, one of my missions is a Lube on every nightstand. I've even hashtagged that. Lube on every nightstand because Lube is really enhancement to pleasure in a relationship and I'm going to get into that in a minute. But we did a survey sponsored by Pure Loub. And we asked you guys a lot of questions about better sex.

We got over 8,000 responses. And what we found is the majority of you said that you don't use Loub. And you weren't sure why. And I thought, how are you my listeners? Although I also know that I get so many questions from you every day, which loop should I use? And what's the best loop and tell me more about loop? So I just wanted to cover some of the basics of loop and thank everyone for taking the survey.

And hopefully after this episode you're gonna realize that loop can be an incredible addition to your sex life. Let me just cover the studies, all right? The studies have shown that vulva owners who reach for loop have more sexual satisfaction. In fact, they report higher levels of pleasure compared to women who didn't use it according to a study from Indiana University related to the Kinsey Institute, which is the leading institute on sex.

Why do vulva owners like it? Because the extra slip and slide makes sex more satisfying and more comfortable. And remember, if you don't use lube, it can cause you to be dry, you can get sore, you can tear, you can get a yeast infection. And so I wanted to just reiterate that how wet you are is not always an indicator of arousal, meaning you could be really aroused and really turned on, but not wet. Or, you might be really wet and not at all turned on. You might also be wet at the beginning of any sexual play, and then a few minutes later,

or 20 minutes later, you're not wet. Now, here's what could affect wetness. The amount of natural lubrication is related to your estrogen cycles, which are fluctuating throughout the month, and they're highest around the time of abulation. Our age also has an impact, our stress levels, if we're really stressed, if we're stressed about our relationship or our work, that can cause decreased libido and blood flow, making it difficult to produce any moisture. Now listen, your health status, if you have any diseases like diabetes or going to chemotherapy,

that can impact it. And medications, listen, medications of allergy cold medications, any depressants can all work against your natural lubrication. So why not just use a little bit of lube? So let's talk about the different kinds of lube real quick. Water-based lube. This is by far the safest lube if you're someone who has more sensitivity. 76% of you in the survey said when you do use lube, use water-based lube. This is by far the safest lube if you're someone who has more sensitivity. 76% of you in the survey said when you do use lube use water-based. Now, it's the most common type of lube.

It's less likely to irritate sensitive skin. So if you're somebody with sensitivities, grab for the water-based. It feels and tastes like natural lubrication, safe use with toys and condoms. The only thing to keep in mind is it can dry out safe use with toys and condoms. The only thing to keep in mind is it can dry out relatively quickly. And I recommend pure lube. Maybe a few hines you can choose from. Check that out. Silicone lube. 21% of you guys use silicone lube when you use lube. So a silicone lube typically just has one ingredient and that is silicone. It lasts a lot longer. It stays slick and doesn't dry out for a while. Things to keep in mind, you just don't want to use it with silicone toys because it can break down the silicone.

So pure also makes a great one that you can try out and so does Uberloo. We love Uberloo. Okay, oils. 12% of you use an oil-based lube. What it's good for is if you don't need to use condoms in a relationship, it can feel great to massage your partner and it definitely stays longer. For oral sex, it can taste good too. Now, it also can stain your sheets, so just be wary of that. And things to keep in mind, you can't use oils with condoms or toys and they can stain your sheets and clothing. And I love the oil-based Fomumar Play.

I also like Foria. Okay, Flavored Loob. So Flavored Loob's great for oral sex. We love Muse Loob, our system Joe, the same company, and get these before they're gone, you guys. They make a salted caramel, a creme brulee, and a mint chocolate. But system Joe, they have every flavor. They have fruits and berries and so many

different flavors you can check out and I just think it makes sex really fun. There's also warming and cooling lobes, those are great for temperature play and again they're all about variety. We have so many nerve endings, it feels great to stimulate them with loob. System Joe also makes some great warming and cooling loops. And then there's also CBD loops. And a lot of those are made with coconut oil or other ingredients. And we love for ya because they make this awakened arousal oil and they also just came out

with a natural lubricant with CBD, which can also help with pain and help enhance arousal. So I would check those out. All right, so now how do you feel about Lou? I'm a Lou pusher. I just love it and I think you're going to enjoy it. Let me know. How has Lou changed your life?

Alright, time for your questions. If you'd like me to answer one on the show, you can go to sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily or you can email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. All you have to do is include your name, your gender identity, your location, your age, and how you listen to the show. It just helps me help you with that information. And I'm cool if you want to change your name, I just want to help you best. This is from Sarah37Infergenia. Hey Dr. Emily, I love your show. I want to know our sun penis is just too big to have successful anal sex?

My husband is obsessed with it, and we've tried lots of lube and buttplug prep work, but it's so uncomfortable for me. My husband is what you would describe an experienced lover. Lucky you, Sarah. I want to be able to please him the way he pleases me. I'm wondering what else we could do to make it more comfortable for me, or something to help me open up and relax. I think I suffer some sexual trauma from us trying this in the past.

I've suffered horrible hemorrhides that have plagued me for over a year. I'm willing to try again, but I don't want to repeat of that trauma to my body. Thanks so much. I love your show. Alright, Sarah. Yeah, I mean, you didn't mention his size, but yes, there are some penises that for some Ainesis are just way too big or too girthy. And that might be a problem. And I'm wondering, it sounds like you had trauma in the past from him going in and it hurt.

It sounds like you got hemorrhage or maybe there were some tearing, which oh, I'm sorry that happened to you. So you're trying Loub and you're trying but plug prep work, which is all the things I would recommend. I'd recommend starting with a finger. And so I want to make sure that you're still not tensing up because the really big thing here is relaxing. I mean, think about it. If someone's coming towards your anus and putting something inside of it, what's the first thing we're all going to do? We're going to clench. We're going to tense. We're going to tense our sphincter muscles. We're going to get nervous. No, God, this is going to hurt. And so what I recommend for you is that you just practice, practice breathing, deep breaths

where you're really relaxed. It can help to have an orgasm first, like a literal orgasm or any kind of orgasm first. So your body is aroused and you're in the moment and you're turned on. So I would recommend that. Sounds like you're using a lot of lube. I would reapply that and just make sure that you're not rushing it. So again, compare the last experience to this experience. If you got the hemorrhoids and you had trauma, what were you doing last time?

Are you learning here for me? Something you could do differently. And that's really just breathing, making sure you're turned on and warmed up. But I can't tell you if he's too big because I'm not seeing his penis, but you don't need to send it to me. But you'll know, is it really girthy? That's usually the case. As always, with all anal play, you have to breathe, go really slow, really, really slow,

and use a lot of loop. So Sarah, I'll bet that you, if this isn't for you, you could find other ways to please them. Has he tried being anal hepana-traded? Have you got a prostate toy for him or a butt plug? Telling you, that pleases the majority of men. Might feel good. Might be able to trade up your anal play for his anal play. Just say in Sarah, just say in. This is from Cassidy25. Hey Dr. Emily, I love your show I'm a long time listener. I've been with my girlfriend for a year now and we're starting to explore different sex

toys. I mentioned buying a loop product and she suggested coconut oil. She worries about the chemicals and regular loops. I've done my research and find conflicting information surrounding coconut oil so I wanted to see your thoughts on it. If you have any recommendations on an all natural loop, it'd be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much, Emily. All right, Cassidy. Thank you so much for listening to the show. And here's the thing. I know many people use coconut oil and they love it. They use it on their hair.

They're skin. They put it in their smoothie and they put it inside their vagina. So the thing about coconut oil is I don't recommend using just the store bought coconut oil because that could also go bad. But it's just like everything else with lube that some volvas don't react. They could put anything inside any kind of lube. They could even use the drug store kind and they're fine. And then some women have more sensitivities. Coconut oil lube can be fabulous. I know that for you, they make this intimacy natural lube akin with CBD and their lube is just too ingredients. It's coconut oil and CBD can feel so great.

You rub it in. It's a process. It might take a little bit to start to feel it, but I just think that it can be very, very healing. They also have oaken, which is an arousal oil also with CBD that you rub in and can help her feel turned on. Try and see how her pH balance is and how she reacts to it. I just want to mention that if you're getting a silicone toy, you're not supposed to use

oils or a silicone lube with toys as it can break down the silicone. Now you can clean it really carefully after. I usually just use a little bit of soap and a washcloth, like a damp cloth. So I don't know how long you did a vibrator for it to break down, but that's what they recommend. So in that case, I would say just getting a great water-based lube. That's what I would try it out. And just have fun. Listen, lube trying and testing and all that can be a really fun time.

Thanks Cassidy, have fun trying. Dear Dr. Emily, my name's Amber. I'm 29 years old from Florida, and my marriage is rocky because my husband found out I cheated on him. We've been having our difficult moments as you can imagine. One thing that is getting to him is the fact that I could get wet with the other person and never really able to get wet with him.

I enjoy the sex with my husband. I'm attracted to him. I don't know what to say or do when he brings it up. Not love with the guy cheated with. It just was pure sex. I guess we both were going through difficult time with our marriages and we got what we needed for each other.

I've noticed my mind can be ready to have sex with my vaginas as otherwise. I don't mind using lube, but he's adamant about wanting me to be wet each time and it doesn't want that to be lube. I don't know what else to do. I've had low estrogen in the past, so I don't know if this is an issue once again. Dr. Emily, what I'm trying to say is, I need help to save my marriage. Okay, Amber, I'm

here for you to save your marriage. Sounds like you guys are moving through this rocky time. A few questions for you. First, how did your husband know that you got really, really wet with the other guy? I'm assuming he wasn't there, and maybe you told him? So remember, sometimes you have to be careful about what we share with our partner. And I'd understand people cheat, happens all the time, but sometimes the details you got to check it and say, do you want to know everything? Because, you know, listen, there's a lot that goes into wetness. It's not always an indicator of a rouse, although you could be super turned on and not at all wet.

And you could be really wet and not turned on. So maybe this was a new partner and it was exciting and all your hormones were firing and you were able to get really wet. But I wouldn't get hung up on that because I don't know what kind of sex you were having. Maybe they were quickies or maybe it was another time in your life. Even if it was last year, our hormones change over time.

If you've had low estrogen in the past, I would 100% get checked out by a hormone specialist and check it. Does your husband know that these are the results? I have low estrogen. Low estrogen can be a direct cause of dryness. So that's real. I would just, if you could both let go of that experience and focus on the sex that you're having in the moment,

have him listen to this. Have him listen to a bunch of podcasts or go to our website. I talk about this all the time, but I understand why your husband thinks that using lube is making a grand statement about your actual feelings for him when it doesn't. I mean, I'm sure that a lot of my vulva-owning listeners can attest to the fact that there have been times where maybe you're wet at first and then you don't stay wet, it just fluctuates.

It not only does it fluctuate your uvlo estrogen, it can fluctuate with certain medications and it could also fluctuate different times of month according to our cycles. So there's a lot going on here and I just think that your husband has caught up in the fact that if you're not wet, it means you're not a track at home or he's doing something wrong. And that can be further from the case when it comes to wetness. You know, you can let him know and say, I hear what you're saying. I understand that you're equating my wetness level to my feelings for you, but that can be further from the truth. Here's why. And let's try this loop. So that's what I recommend for you, but that can't be further from the truth. Here's why, and let's try this loop. So, that's what I recommend for you, and I'm really glad that you're working through this. Sometimes we just need a little bit of education and information, and hopefully

the science will convince your husband otherwise. Thank you, Amber, for your question. Okay, so this is from Henry. I'm at the end of my wits. My girlfriend, I've been together for eight years. We started having sex after we dated for about a year and three months. She was actually the one that seduced me. She came out of the shower with only a towel on. Client of top means that, oops, as she let the towel fall off her. Then she sat on top of me, we had sex, both of our first times. It happened fairly regularly. The past year, she's not interested in sex at all. And when we get to it, she's always complaining that I last too long and she's starting to hurt after well.

And she doesn't seem to enjoy it at all. I even tried getting her a bullet vibrator to stimulate her clitoris, but no luck. Apparently, that hurts her too. When we're done, she always cleans up and puts some ointment on because she says it feels like she's tore. And I use a lot of lube and it doesn't work. We've been together eight years, we've woke up for a year and I dated a different girl and I didn't have any trouble giving her orgasms with fibroiders or lube and she never

complained that it hurt. Do you have an idea why my girlfriend could be so sensitive and yet not feel a thing? Any ideas on how to get her to want to have sex again? I want her to enjoy it because now I'm not enjoying it. She just lays there and lets me go at it. No moans, no fun, no excitement. She doesn't even get wet. Alright, there could be a few things going on here, Henry.

First off, have you ever talked to your girlfriend about what she thinks is going on with the pain? Women experience pain during sex. It's really, really common. The majority of women will experience pain at some point in their lives during sex. And for some women, it happens all the time. It's really common, but we don't often talk about it because we are ashamed, or we're afraid that something's really wrong with us. It just means that she's got to get, you know, checked out. She'd go to a pelvic floor physical therapist. She could go to a gynecologist. Sometimes I found that a lot of them don't have as much information. So someone who specializes in vaginal health.

I wish that every doctor could help women with this kind of pain, but they don't. Also, if she's not having any fun or moaning or excitement, my first life is, well, yeah, she's in pain. So why is she can't keep having sex if she's in pain? The other thing is, do you happen to know, and maybe she could share this with you, if she's ever had any sexual trauma? For some women, when they've experienced trauma, they get into an unknown habit of clenching their pelvic floor and tightening, walking around constricted.

And that could be going on for years, if she had trauma. For example, and then when something tries to go inside of her, it could be a tampon or a penis or a finger, they have excruciating pain. And it's something that can go very unchecked and doctors don't really understand it because of the, you know, externally, if you check someone out, everything looks fine. Their tissues look good, you know,

it's just more about internal pelvic floor health. And so that's what I would recommend. You can let her know that you called in. You guys can listen to this show. We've done a lot of shows on Sex and Pain. One with Heather Jeffcoat, J-E-F-F-C-O-A-T. We've done a few episodes with her and we really get into this. So you're not doing anything wrong. I also understand why it's frustrating. We don't want a partner just to lay there. So I want her to be empowered and to know that she can

go out and figure out her diagnosis. And you could let her know that you care so much about her health and her physical health and her emotional health. And you'd love her know that you care so much about her health and her physical health and her emotional health and you'd love her to Talk to a specialist to see what she can do. Okay, that's the way to handle it Henry. I'm gonna take a quick break But when I come back I'm talking to Megan who sex life has slowed down a bit since having a baby baby. We have Megan 35 in Wyoming. Hi, Megan. What's going on? Thanks for calling. Hi. So I am seven months postpartum. Oh my gosh, this year, the dumpster fire. I'm having so much stress and anxiety. I can't handle things at work. I can't handle stress at home. Having a new baby and working, it's also stressful. And I went into the doctor and she's like, oh, honey.

You have zero testosterone and your thyroid is out of control. And so my question for you is, because I didn't ask her this, sex has obviously been non-existent. And so after the testosterone, like once we get the thyroid address, like how soon would that drive come back? Does it come back? Like what do you know about?

It does come back. It can come back, you know. Well, it doesn't help that you're seven months postpartum, but then also the added on the stress of new baby and you're still working and you're with your husband. Yeah, just managing the hormones and stress and everything else. I'm happy that like we've kind of found what's going on, but the stress of COVID for sure has put a strain on our relationship. Right. Yeah, Megan. So what if doctors anything I? Anything I can be doing now to help with that piece of it. With the piece of about desire,

about actually being in the mood for sex? Yeah, because it's just, I guess, and it wasn't there. And I'm like, well, that kind of explains it, because testosterone plays a huge part in that, correct? It does, yes. Have you had sex at all since since you gave birth? Yes. Okay. And it's been kind of painful and I mean like enjoyable because I love my husband, but it

wasn't like it was. Right. Okay. Well, I'm going to tell you that you're going to get it back, that you will. It does come back. How is your communication with your husband right now? Like, do you feel connected? I know you said you want to have sex to because you with your husband right now? Do you feel connected? I know you said you want to have sex to, because you love your husband. How is your intimacy besides just sex? Do you guys do other things to connect? Are you still intimate, hand holding? Whatever it is you require, is he helping you with the new baby?

Do you feel he's, are there any resentments of really essentially? He's not asking. Okay. I think there is, he's the most wonderful father are there any resentments of building essentially his own masking? Okay. I think there is, yeah, he's the most wonderful father and he takes very good care of him and he's helping me with all of that. He's super supportive of all the stress, anxiety and stuff, but it's almost one of the things where you talk so much

about your life and the stress and anxiety that you're feeling and now like explaining the hormones piece of it, like he doesn't even try in neither do I. Like, it's all aspects of life. And we've never been a super touchy feeling couple to be kind of. Okay, so that's okay.

If you're both okay with that, I mean, I think it's kind of interesting that you both aren't really initiating. That's actually, I don't know, I think it's a good situation. Because now I can help you from this place of, you know, what can you guys do together to kind of make sure that you prioritize intimacy. So my question Megan have you talked about this sex component with your husband

yet? Yeah I think it's come up but not always in the best way. Okay. Like more of a maybe a for fighting or if there is something going on you know and then it gets brought up of how like we don't even engage in like intimacy anymore in the bedroom or anything like that. All right, yeah. Well, I have to say, where a communication needs to be housed. Yes. Well, you know, I don't know how long you will listen to the show, but I cannot say this enough.

How important it is for couples to communicate about their sex life. And my tips are always timing tone and turf. And you don't talk about it in the bedroom. So that's the first thing, turf. You actually don't talk about it right after sex didn't happen or you're frustrated. So it's turf is outside the bedroom.

When you're hanging out, you're in a good place because the tone has to be curious and sort of more light. Like let's figure out what we can do to prioritize our sex life, talking about your sex life in a way that is not defensive and angry. And the timing is when neither one of you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired, halt. Which might be hard to find some of that space right now.

But to say to a baby, I really want to figure out a way I know we're not having sex because you might not even realize it. Megan, but when couples stop connecting sexually, they kind of can think about it a whole bunch of other things, but you guys need that. That is the sex is the fuel. It's the energy. It's gonna keep your intimacy alive. And so you actually require it.

It's not just, oh, we should just cross-sex off the lift. You need that to connect. So, I think that talking to him and saying, well, what can we do? You know what, you might have a few tips for you or a few ways to start that conversation because him and saying, well, what can we do? You know what? You might have a few tips for you or a few ways to start that conversation because for most couples, this is not an easy conversation to have. Could you talk to him and say, well, let's talk about times that sex was great.

You could start off by saying, let's talk about like three of the most memorable times we've had sex. And then you could write that down. You could swap notes. You could say, like, let's talk about times when you're both in the mood. How, can you remember any of those off the bat or when sex, when your sex life was in the groove, what was happening, what did it look like?

What time and day was it? There's so many things have changed with your two, it's like our big thing was traveling, right? And like hotels and fun dinners. And yeah, I think it's almost more like we need to somehow recreate that in our own home and like get the baby out because with COVID this is making everything very difficult right. And not that it never happened and like lately I'd always said but like now there's all

these other responsibilities around it and with COVID it's so hard to even get someone to watch your baby. Right. Right. Exactly. I was going to ask that next. I just know that I hear this from couples all the time that it could take about a year until you get your sex life back in track. So do you have anyone who can watch him? Do you guys make time for just the two of you where you say we're in turn off our phones, we're not going to talk about our baby. We're going to take time for each other. Or even a close friend could watch. Could you do that?

Could you take, I mean, this might sound cliche, but literally getting someone to watch you and getting a hotel room for a few hours or getting out of the familiar zone of your home, what a lot of couples need is the variety. But for you right now, just might be switching up locations, feeling free, feeling that, you know, it's hard when you have a baby

because there's always something else now of concern, right? You're like, it's a baby sleeping and it's everything okay and you're exhausted. So I think the combination of just starting the conversation and making sure that you find a time that's great for both of you. And if you're having pain, that's gonna be hard too. So perhaps finding ways to still please each other, I don't know how you feel about oral

sex or using toys together, you know, mutual masturbation. Was there ever any of that before? Yeah, there was. And like, lubes and different other things that, yeah, I would probably reintroduce. I would introduce you to the lab. I mean, that was the first thing that we started with, which that did help the last time, because the first couple of times we were trying and we were just like not happening. Yeah.

And I have to tell you, Megan, that the thing about Lube, and again, I am a huge proponent of Lube. I think that couples shouldn't even think about having sex without Lube for every sexual activity because your wetness level, how wet you are, has nothing to do with your arousal. And especially when it's so inconsistent for women, even women who didn't just give birth, it changes different times a month. You know, certain times a month were wetter than others. And so a lubricant will make sure that you are lubed up enough and that there isn't

pain. You can put a few drops on your clitoris, a few drops on his penis before you have sex, and there's more pleasure because when we use lube, during sex, women are more likely to have orgasms and they're more likely to have pleasure. The other thing I'm going to throw out there is scheduling sex. It's really important to know if you guys both know that this is the time it's going to be Saturday night, we're getting a babysitter, we're taking time for it, then you can kind of look for that because when our brain is an onboard with sex and our brain is anxious

and worried about other things, there's just no room for the sex to happen. There's no desire for the sex to happen. So talking to him about it, planning it could be some great first steps until you feel the hormones kick in and you have your plan. You have no question about the wetness and the... Yep, anything. Like orgasms, whatever. Like why was it, because it was never an issue beforehand, right? So then you're just saying that the hormones could have just knocked that out. Or is it still like maybe the, I'm like the wrong time of month that we're having.

Everything. It's everything. It changes every year, every month, every decade, being a woman, sometimes every few years. You know what? I'm telling you, your 35, it just changes. Go easy on yourself that they're fluctuating. Definitely your hormones are different

when you're pregnant than afterwards. So all I can tell you is nothing to do with your partner or the way that you think about him or the way that you think about sex has everything to do with hormones. Your wetness level has everything to do. So all I can tell you is maybe it wasn't a problem before, because the certain times a week, maybe you had enough arousal on four play, but for a lot of times, and So all I can tell you is maybe it wasn't a problem before because the certain times a week maybe you had enough arousal and foreplay but for a lot of times and right now

I can tell you for sure it is your hormones but you're going to see that it just starts to change and especially in our 30s and 40s and 50s. It just birth control pill can also impact women with lube. No you're not getting old but you're getting to a point where it would just be helpful to understand your hormones and your cycle and not to beat yourself up. It's nothing you're not getting old, but you're getting to a point where it would just be helpful to understand Your hormones and your cycle and not to beat yourself up. It's nothing. You're doing wrong It's nothing. He's doing wrong and maybe he needs to educate himself around this as well because so many men believe that There's something wrong with like the way he's turning you on and that's why you're not wet and that is not the issue Yeah, no, absolutely not be a good part of our conversation. Like a part of our conversation coming up. I think you should. I think you should. So like you can prepare. And for us, because we both are just been a little disappointed

when we have engaged. Like it's just like, oh, I'm not going to get used to being. It will be though again. It will be the way it used to be. But it might be as why does it used to be? And that could again, could be age. Now, when you're pregnant the last nine months, it might have had more lubricants. So all I'm telling you is just let them know hormones, lube, all of it. Figure out what you guys can do together. You can both figure out what works for you both, okay? Okay. All right, Megan. Thanks for calling. I'm here for you. You can give me a call with anything. This is from Libby 24. Hey, Dr. Emily, I love your show. I will listen to it nonstop and feel both empowered and curious. Yay! I'm in a monogamous relationship with the male.

And after listening to your podcast, I want to surprise him with a masturbation sleeve. I know it's a toy you'd love to try if it hasn't already, and I'd love to order one along with some lube. And I have it sent to his house with a fun sexy message. Love this idea. Ideally, it would be a toy you can use solo, but also when we could use together. What masturbation sleeve in lube would you recommend for a first time buyer user I look forward to your advice?

So essentially for everyone, a masturbation sleeve or a stroker, as they call it, every masturbation sleeve can feel different depending on the material and if it vibrates or it doesn't vibrate, but typically the sleeves are lined with bumps and ridges to create a sensation, other than your hand. Because a lot of guys are like, well, I use my hand. Why do I need something else? It's just kind of a fun, like why not?

Use something else. If you use your hand every day, why not experience another way? I really love masturbation sleeves. And so what I would recommend is Tenga, T-E-N-G-A, it's been in the business of masturbation sleeves for a long time, and they make ones that are these little eggs

that you can dispose of. They're like one-time use, and they also make masturbation sleeves, some vibrates, some don't. There's also one that's brand new, it's called ARC Wave, and it's a masturbation sleeve that also stimulates the freinulum, which is that incredible spot on the underside of the penis

where the shaft meets the head. And it has a little vibration right there. It's like a vibrator and a masturbation sleeve. So those are some options for you. I would check out those brands. As far as lube goes and you wanna use it together, I would recommend a water-based lube because if it's a silicone masturbation sleeve,

you're not supposed to use silicone lube with a silicone toy because it can break down the material of the toy. So I'd recommend something like pure makes a great water-based lube. They have a bunch of different formulas. So I would check some of those out. You're a great girlfriend. That is such a fun gift. And I think it'll be fun to use it together because he could use his masturbation sleeve

and you could masturbate on your own and you could do a little hot, sexy, mutual masturbation sash. I'm all about it. Thanks for your question, Libby. I appreciate it. Alright, this is from Sarah Jacqueline 54. Dear Dr. Emily, at one age is once up getting wet and what do you do after? I'm going to be 54 in three weeks.

I'm single. My sex drive is so high that it made me research at what age while I stopped getting wet. There was no specific answers. Only that average age of menopause is 51. And then I thought, I'm 54. So now what? I hope it never stops, of course.

I'm not in my 20s, but TMI, I still am really wet and think about sex like a daily routine. I hope you can give me some feedback. All right, Sarah, here's the deal. You are fortunate that you haven't experienced any of the dryness and discomfort that a lot of vulva owners have as they reach paramedicaws and menopause, which for some women can last 10 years. It can start in their late 30s, early 40s, and go to mid to late 50s. And so first I want to say, not every woman experiences it the same. In fact, if you put a bunch of women in a room and ask them about their perimenopausal

or menopausal symptoms, you'd find that they're all different. Some women have hot flashes, some women have night sweats, some women have a lot of pain, some women don't get as wet, and some women are like you. So honestly, what you do when it does happen, I always think that even just adding a few drops of lube to any sexual situation helps to enhance arousal. If you start experiencing pain or night sweats that are really disturbing, you get your hormones checked, you go to a hormone specialist, which I have found is sometimes better than a traditional gynecologist because they can test, they can give you estrogen or supplement with other hormones,

perhaps bio-identical hormones depending on what your side effects are. And other than it happens is the loss of estrogen makes our vaginal walls, our vaginal walls tend to get thinner and that can cause vaginal atrophy and pain. But it sounds like you are in a great place, Sarah. So thanks for the question and keep doing you. After the break, I'm talking to Mark who's looking for advice on helping his wife get in the mood for sex. So then we got Mark calling in now, Mark 54. Hey Mark, thanks for calling.

Mark's got a question too. I'm so happy to get through and I gotta say I'm a real fan of your show and I have a long drive and you really keep me busy and it's just, it's really nice to hear what you have to say. And I'm just wondering because, you know, even though I might be a tad on the smaller side, when I do get an erection like i'm i'm kind of surprised how big it grows so i'm just curious

like are there different like even though your penis could be one size when you get an erection could you have an erection where you you actually are quite big well yeah it's like the grower versus the show right that's the part of getting erection is getting bigger i mean some people show it and some people grow it. So yeah, I mean, I think that for many men when they get harder, it's a lot bigger than you would think.

That's common. Is that your question? Is that what you mean? Did I get that? Yeah. Yeah, that's one of my questions. Because after I do grow, I'm kind of surprised how much it does grow.

And I'm like, wow, I'm really not that small. It does grow. And I'm like, wow, like, I'm really not that small. It does grow. Yeah. And I think it's nice to get shrinks. Like, I think about George, on the side, falls. And George's like, I was in the pool when someone walks in. I'm like, I can't. So yeah, that's, that's.

I've only been so self-conscious, you know, when I get out of bed after making love to a woman, you know, I try to make sure I'm at like half-mouth So she thinks, you know, I'm bigger than what I am, you know, and I'm probably up the only guy who's got that out there. I think you're right. I think I just know like I learned that, I don't know, I learned that because I didn't have sex education But I feel like I just knew that penises shrink back down. Most of them, I feel like they all do pretty much Maybe some do more than others, I'm trying to think. I guess I don't know, I've never been one too. I gotta be honest, and I've had a lot of lovers.

I don't even look at it. Like if I'm satisfied you're a good lover, I'm not even focused on it ever. And I don't even, I'm not looking at like, what do you look like big or small, you know, just, maybe some women do. Again, we're all different. Some of you are more detail people.

I'm just more about how are you as a person holistically, which is a good loving experience. I'm not like focused on that, but I don't know, Mark, and you'll find people with someone who isn't either. Yeah, or maybe they are and they celebrate it. I don't think that women are, women want so many things for a man, and penis size is just like very bottom of the list. And I don't mean for every woman.

You're a problem. Yeah. How do the problem is that about a week week ago I was listening to one of your shows that was very interesting and you were talking about porn. You were saying, you know, there's so many people who get caught up on porn and just that that's the way sex should be. And so in my era, as a boy almost, I was watching it, like 14. And I just kind of assumed that that's how sex was supposed to be. And I think it really resonated with me like even till today. And I just really had a hard time with it. And that's what

played in my head, you know, through all these years with what we're talking about. Watching porn and thinking like, my penis is not that big. Yeah. That makes so much of course, because you that's the only other penis you see. So you say the gall penis is like that. I something is wrong with me. Yeah, you're right. You feel a little bit better about it or just kind of reminded you that we all. 100% good. You got it. Your people, do people actually get penis extensions? Like I can even check into it because I'm got the fear of God. I've got a corporate computer. So I just don't want to check into that stuff. They don't. I mean, you could get a penis extender or a dildo like you put it over your

penis. It's like a dildo that you can like put over your penis that makes it extend a bit. I've never heard anyone use it to be honest, but that does exist. I just think you could get a dildo. Use that on your partner. Are you with somebody right now? I am. I'm really in love with her. I'd like to think vice versa. I've got to say, for a 54-year-old man, I have got the testosterone of a 16-year-old. I could make love three times a day every day if I could. My spouse is so sexy. I can't even look at her when she takes off her clothes because she looks so gorgeous. And she's a fitness instructor, so she's in amazing shape.

And so I just have to be cautious sometimes because she doesn't want to make love as much and she sort of cites it as her being dry. And so she's not as aroused, I think, with her age perhaps as well. But I'd like to hear some advice on sort of how to increase sexual encounters with her. Really, it's a case-by-case basis, but for many women what's preventing us from wanting to have sex is that we're not aroused, and that usually comes from releasing anxiety, getting a massage, warming up, feeling that, you know, maybe having an emotional connection, maybe for her it's helping you help around the house

or giving your compliments or having a connection and then it starts slow and you start to kiss her and warm her up, but I think it's the kind of thing you should ask her what she wants to get in the mood. A lot of women don't know, so I'm trying to, okay. You know, give you some advice here, but like I, that's kind of what works mood a lot of women don't know so I'm trying to you know Give you some advice here, but like I that's kind of what works for a lot of women But if you ever talked about it with her let asked her what works not not enough to be honest with you And I'm gonna have the conversation with her and you've really opened up my eyes to

The vibrators and you know, I've been so traditional in the past that it just yeah, and I'm like you're The gentleman said on the phone. He said you know too many guys have egos and they just they don't want to introduce that into the bedroom because they they feel that they're being replaced and that's how it always felt through the years so okay what else to tell me this sort of raised my comfort level on on that to introduce that oh using a toy I, I think that for many women, they're just, it's like, it's just your penis is a vibrate.

And vibrators can hit different areas internally that penis is just can't, no matter how big it is. And in fact, for most women, the thing about vibrators that you can control it and you can hit these spots on your inner vaginal wall, like on your pubic, like where you know, out ex that we do the com-hither motion

with your fingers and you're going towards the Yeah, a penis can't really even hit that I I teach you set a couple weeks back and I got to say it worked like a term. Oh, good I said yeah, good. Oh you use that motion the com hither motion with your fingers. Yes. Yes Great. I love it. That's how you can find it for a lot of women But you're feeling around the penis doesn't vibrate, doesn't have that pinpoint precision.

So I think what we have to remember too, is when you, I love when my partner uses toys on me or we use them together, the vibrations can feel great on your penis as well. And all over your body, your nipples, your neck, your shaft. I mean, we think it's just for the females, but think of it like a fun toy that you bought

for both of you. And then for you using it on her, I think you're going to see that you're still giving her pleasure. She's not saying, maybe if she has a limiting belief around toys, like, oh, it wasn't really him, it was a toy, but I'm just happy I get there. I'm just happy that things feel good. So what toys have you got? Have you used toys together yet?

Or you haven't? No. In fact, I've never done it. Oh, well, I would talk to her about it. There's some great toys out there. J.J. makes a couple's kit. And J.J. makes toys that are really, it's J.E.J. or U.E. and it's a couple's kit.

And I believe it comes with a Cochrane and a Cliddle stimulator. We've made some great toys too for couples. There's the chorus, which you could use together. It's like a wearable vibrator, but you can use it in different ways. But I would talk to her first and say, I'd love to see you really turned on. Let's go shopping together.

Let's buy a toy, you know? But that belief that it's gonna replace you is common, but I feel like it's going away. Like people are realizing that, oh, once they try it, I gotta be honest, Mark. Once someone tries a toy, they've never called me and said, why did you tell me to buy a toy that ruined my relationship?

Usually it's like, holy shit, where, why haven't I been doing this my whole life? So, I would just have a good light conversation with her. All right, yeah, that's how it is, Mark. So, let me know guys, can you post it? Okay, bye, Mark, have a great night. Thanks for calling. All right, this is from T55.

Dear Dr. Emily, my wife is in her mid-50s and sex has been very rough for a while. We have tried loops in the past, but they've been mediocre. I do believe they will work, but we need to use a good brand. Also, I'd like to get our vibrator. What would you suggest for a first timer that won't scare her off, but will be a good entry level vibrator? All right, well

I'm sorry to hear that sex has been rough for a while. You came to the right place as we get older for Volvo owners We tend to have a loss of estrogen vaginal atrophy and so for many people this can cause pain What happens is during Metapause and perimenopause, which if you guys don't know, that's the stage in your life where you stop having your monthly period. Normal part of aging marks the end of your reproductive years, which is probably fine T.M. not, since I'm like you're trying to get pregnant. And usually metapause occurs in your

late 40s to early 50s and perimenopause can happen a lot earlier. And so what happens during menopause is that essentially our ovaries are no longer producing high levels of hormones, estrogen and progesterone as well as testosterone. So as we've lost of estrogen, that's what actually is keeping the lining of your bladder and your esa healthy. So what I would recommend is that she can go get her hormones tested and see what is happening with the rough. It sounds like maybe she's a little bit dry. So you know, women as a result of all this loss of hormones, they get drier.

And so I would use an excellent lube, water-based lube would be great. We love peer lube, PJ, you are. They have a woman's formula that you could also try to make sure that, you know, Lou, on every nightstand, just leave your Lou out and use it every time, apply, reapply, can never use too much, Lou. An entry-level vibrator that might be interesting if she's never used one before would be something that goes like in the palm of your hand like a weave-eye touch, but also, I need to tell you about Taboo. It's T-A-B-U and it is an incredible sexual wellness brand that was developed by a mother

and daughter team. Essentially, they make a sexual wellness kit that comes with a massager and this wonderful organic lubricant. It's a beautiful kit and this might make her feel good as well because it's not like you're getting her a vibrator that might not, if she's never used one before, it's a healing lubricant and the massageer warms up and then she can use it a few times a week with the organic lubricant and it's just really healing to the vaginal tissues. It can help with blood flow, it can also help with pain, and it can also help with orgasms.

Literally, it could give you an orgasm, but also just the practice of massaging this warm massager with a lubricant can help to heal the tissue and make sex hurt less. So I think the taboo would be great to not scare her off because you can also use it internally or externally. And it's just a beautiful box, it's a great gift. Everyone should check it out at haytaboo.com, T-A-B-U. So this is from Eric37 in Northern Michigan. Hey, Dr. Emily, what you do is amazing.

Anyway, I recently started masturbating with olive oil and it's amazing. I have an intact foreskin and I have no issues with any type of irritation. I would very much like to provide this type of stimulation to a partner and I'm wondering if a woman would have an issue with getting olive oil into her vagina. The last thing I would want would be to cause irritation and it's also a great way to kill the mood. If olive oil will be an issue that I'm looking for a safe alternative and if there's a magic loop that behaves like olive oil and doesn't taste like a chemical spell, let me

know. So in summation, I'm looking for a loop for all types of sex simultaneously, maximum slippery, safe for penetration, and a neutral flavor. Great question, Eric. Listen, if you want to use olive oil for masturbation and it feels good, you know,

olive oil is tough people use it in their skin and they use it on their hair. And so I think it's pretty safe for you externally for the vagina It can cause vaginal infections like a yeast infection It also clogs your pores of your skin if you don't wash it off right after and cause your skin to break out And it also messes up the sheets. I don't recommend olive oil Sorry to be a buzzkill there Eric, but keep using it on your own and So yeah, right the perfect glue really slippery. You know, last a long time, I would say that a neutral flavored

loop could also just be a silicone loop. Just a plain up silicone loop has one ingredient, which is why we love the pure loop PJ you are. You don't have to reapply it as much. It lasts a long time and it has a very neutral flavor. Coconut oil, if you're into the oils, could also be great for the situation. I love the forya, lube has just coconut oil and CBD. And I also love Wumar Play, that's a really great coconut oil,

but I would start with the forya or the pure silicone. And I think you're really gonna like the silicone for your masturbation sessions as well. Okay, let me know what you land on and thanks for your email. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily.

Be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this episode, they will too. Find me at Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all at Sex with Emily. If you'd like to ask me a question about sex or dating relationships, email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com slash askemily. And check out my website.

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